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I read your last post a few times and it really struck a chord with me… I also didn?t know how sad gambling was making me. Thank you for sharing that!!
I really appreciate the feedback!! I have been feeling pretty good about everything, I think I?m on day 37. I find myself starting to do more ?normal? things that I used to do before gambling took over my life. I do think I am struggling with depression right now but I feel it is more situational due to COVID and stopping gambling. Tonight has been a bit of a struggle as I am getting my ?justifying gambling? thoughts… so far I have been able to talk myself through them and I know there are two outcomes- I will either win or lose… if I lose I will keep playing to win back the money.. if I win I will cash out and enjoy my little ?high? but then get the ?I can win again itch?. Either way I will come out on the losing end. I will not gamble today.
Thank you enough! It ended up being a good trip- it was nice to eat out where I wanted and watch what I wanted on tv- which never happens with 4 kids and a husband!! I have made it through my trip away as well as my grandpa?s burial without gambling. I am on day 33 and feeling good. Today I had a lot of thoughts about how fun it would be to just gamble a little bit but I have been down that road to many times. Looking ahead to my second month of being gambling free I want to start counselling, continue to read addiction therapy books, as well as continue to post on here and take part in groups.
I am trying to plan ahead for tomorrow evening as I have to go out of town for work for one night. I am excited to stay on my own at a hotel with no kids or husband which hasn?t happened in a long time. However, in the past whenever I have gone to this city for work I have gambled at the casino for hours on end. I am going to plan my night so that I don?t give myself the opportunity to gamble. Perhaps being on my own will allow me to attend an online meeting with no distractions.
I am glad to hear you are doing well!! I think for me I will have to always stay away from casinos or places with slot machines as the lighting, sounds etc would be a trigger.?
That is very helpful as I tend to get very defensive and it turns into a “well remember when you did this…”and we both remind one another of all of our shortcomings. So I will definitely be trying your suggestion.
Work is incredibly busy, I have so much going on. I don’t have a physical job but it is mentally draining. I often wonder if my gambling became an issue as an escape from my job. I worked in child welfare for 16 years. A psychiatrist that I talked to told me that anyone that works in child protection for any length of time is going to have some type of post traumatic issues. When I finally left it took me about 6 months to get physically healthy. I used to come home from work and need to just not think for an hour or so, so gambling at the slots became the perfect escape as I didn’t have to think I could just put my brain on auto pilot.
Monica, thank you for the information about abstinence vs recovery, that makes so much sense to me. I know at this time I’m not in recovery, I am just abstaining from gambling. I need to work on the issues as to why I started gambling. I feel like I am making small steps towards recovery but at the same time not taking the big ones, like therapy, be it individual or group. I am working towards it though and I feel that I have good barriers in place to stay gamble free. I am now on Day 27.
My husband will definitely not be supportive in recovery- he is more of the “this is your problem deal with it” kind of person. Even when I talk to him about handling bills and payments so that I don’t have access, his response is “I shouldn’t have to do that”.
This weekend was so busy with kid’s birthdays and work stuff. I love being busy as then I don’t even think about gambling. I am still visualizing some of my favorite games and the big wins but not as much. This week will be busy with work and then on Saturday we are having a small burial service for my Grandpa who passed away in March. My parents are also planning a small, immediate family service for my brother who passed away by suicide 24 years ago- they have never been able to bury his ashes and this year they are finally ready. I have committed myself to dealing with the emotions this will bring up and not avoiding/turning to gambling to shut everything out.
Monica, thank you. I have not gone this long without gambling in almost a year so I am feeling hopeful. This is the only time where I have reached out for help and participated in groups to help stay gamble free. Every other time I have tried to do it on my own and failed. I know this time will be different as I cannot live that life again.
nI need to learn to forgive myself as does my husband as he throws my gambling and the money I have wasted in my face all the time. I don?t know what the future will hold if he can?t get past it.
nCongratulations on 3 years!! What an accomplishment. That gives me so much hope.Thank you for that advice Monica. In the past when I have quit I have always ?punished? myself for all the money spent so would not spend anything on myself. I am going to work on doing something for myself every week. I am on day 22, which means I have made it past the 3 week mark!! This week has been extremely busy with work doing an adoption placement and I have another one to do next week. I am very grateful that my gambling has never affected my job directly as I find it very rewarding. Gambling has affected me financially, in my marriage, and time spent with kids. My biggest regret is all the time missed with my kids- which I can never get back. Last night I dreamt about gambling and a few times in the last week I have caught myself visualizing my big wins and the games I was playing. When that happens I have been re-focusing on all the negatives that will happen if I gamble again.
This weekend ended up being a good weekend. I was able to pay the bills I needed as well as buy some clothes, shoes, and back to school stuff for my kids and a book for myself. Life is so much less stressful without gambling and I will work every day to keep it that way. I am currently working out how to tell friends ?no? when they ask me to go gambling as well as get ideas of other fun things to do instead. I need to be prepared for every situation as otherwise I am super impulsive.
Congratulations on your new grandson and engagement. My first grandchild was born in December. It?s nice to have a bit of happiness during these crazy times. One of the things I took from your posts is that I need to get more supports in place to stay gamble free. I would love to do inpatient treatment as I think it would help me with a lot of the reasons I gamble but I can?t afford that and I still have 3 kids at home.
Thank you for sharing your story on here! I read your entire thread and was moved by it and found it very inspirational, I am on day 19 of being GF. I look forward to the day I can say I have been GF for 2+ years. You have a talent in writing so I hope you write your book. All the best to you.
This is one of my biggest struggles as well.. I am ok with letting close family know about my gambling addiction but don?t tell friends.. In the past I have gone to the casino with a friend and because I am with them am able to put on a front and pretend I?m still a social, having fun gambler rather than having a serious problem and running to the bank machine every 5 minutes..but then I have to go back on my own and stay for hours… last fall I had quit for 3 months but because I didn?t want to say no to a friend to going to the casino I started all over again .. this is something I have to figure out as well
Hi Beem, I?m newish to this forum, I was going through your thread and got a lot of helpful information (like the SMART website and tools) so thank you for sharing!! In the past I have also thought I could control and reduce my gambling but have always gone back to being out of control. I know for me it?s all or none so am working at keeping it at none.