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Hi Mutley
Reading your story reminded me so much about myself, I tell myself I’ve given up, then within a few weeks thinking I can control it, I’m lying, cheating and even “extended borrowing” from my own family. Hoodwinked my wife and daughter for about three years until I went through a spell so bad, I was gambling throughout the night. After I got busted, it was such a relief, I was able to switch the addiction off near like a tap, at least once I had some intense prayer too; Stay cool, you can do it kind regards
TF

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Hi Harbby
This is the first time I’ve logged in a while and it’s good to see you’re taken the first steps to recovery.

I’ve been a compulsive gambler for nearly 50 years and I’m glad to say that I haven’t had a bet online or in a casino since the end of May. Towards the end things got so bad, I managed to take out 3 loans totalling ￡20000 in a matter of weeks, playing online roulette throughout the night and missing work. In the end, I had to ask a few friends from church to help me, and you can imagine how humbling that can be, “can I ask you to pray for me cos I got this gambling addiction and I can’t escape!” I was actually slapping myself in the face (real hard too) in attempt to stop in between spins even but I couldn’t; I felt like I was literally possessed. 3 weeks later, having hid away in the toilet for 4 hours my daughter finally caught and confronted me. To see the pain in her and my wife’s eyes was really tough, especially as I had dragged them down this path 7 years earlier when I nearly lost the house. However, being caught red handed was the best thing that could have happened to me because with the deceit part of it out of the equation, it made it easier to break the habit, I was able to practically stop it like a tap. I still have to be mindful because I found myself spending too much on lottery tickets and scratch cards but overall I personally believe that the prayers worked, I have nothing to attribute my ability to stop instantaneously other than God. I sincerely hope that you too have a support network that you can rely on, if I didn’t share the depths of my addiction to family and friends I think I would still be gambling.

Good luck with your recovery, I’ll start you off with my own prayer:-

“Father Lord God, I pray over Harbby and ask that you break the chains of his gambling addiction as you did for me. I pray you occupy his mind with happy thoughts , and help him recognise what activities make him free from these unhealthy habits and to know that his situation is merely temporary and he will grow in strength every day to attack this illness, it is only a valley that I know that I know you Lord God have the power to conquer, to dispel into dust never to trouble Harbby again, and most of all I pray that he recognises that “his life matters” so that negative thoughts never return again,
I ask this in Jesus Christ’s name, Amen

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It’s been a roller coaster ride and in hindsight I can’t believe what an absolute idiot I’ve been. Cashed out about ￡1400 over the weekend but realised about ￡800 of that was my own money…yes you guessed folks, I lost it all back, all ￡1400 of it or maybe even more…there are soo many deposits that I can’t even ***** them all. Day One was supposed to have been today, or rather 29/4 a I had invited a Christian group to pray for me and I did have an upbeat day for the first time in months. I was still positive until a silly little argument sent me scurrying to the loo (my hideout) where I took the anger that I felt towards my wife out on the online casinos where I inevitably lost. Not even looked likely to get my money back epitomised by a session where I went to the cashier for about 3mins only to find the 2 numbers that I had spend ￡500 chasing had been and gone at the exact moment I had been away… gutted! On the positive side, it did finally force me to self exclude from the online casino sites I was registered with, it took some time since there was five – these were the last, I had already self excluded from about 10 other sites, only to reopen new ac*****s with this particular bunch of operators . With no access now I can start my recovery in earnest. It may not last as no doubt I will find ways to circumvent the measures that I’ve taken to protect myself, it’s a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde scenario for me, but thankfully I’ve started to put my best foot forward. Wish me luck…or is that inappropriate?

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Hi Steev 

Thank you for taking the time to post, you are of course right. Part of the problem is that I’ve started to believe my own bs. When I first got caught about 6 years ago, I had lost ￡30k in one night following an argument with my wife- all credit card so we nearly lost the house if it wasn’t for a personal loan from my sister in law. My main salary goes into my wife’s  account now and I have a small monthly payment transferred every month to cover my direct debits. At the moment my credit is still bad for any major loans but Im afraid one of these lenders will say yes one day because on paper, the numbers stack up. I’ve wanted to tell her but because I hurt her and my daughter so bad the first time round I always chicken out, since they don’t understand it’s a disease they think it’s a conscious decision to gamble and at some level they are right too you can’t stop until you take responsibility for your actions, implementing the curfews and the other steps you mention that I need to take. At the moment  I have to admit I’ve lost that rationality and responsibility and I don’t know why. I set up responsible limits on one gambling site and no sooner have I’ve reached  that limit, I’m opening up another account. There lies the stupidity of it. Taking your allergy analogy, when I’m winning, I like the thrill when I win , it’s holding to my gains  which I have a problem with, and there’s  a part of me that wants an antihistamine that I can take that will allow me to stuff my face with lobster even though normally it would cause me serious health issues- as an example. But for me that scenario doesn’t exist- I can’t gamble responsibly- it might  appear so on one or two sessions but mr self-sabotage always appears, it’s just a matter of time. I think that once upon a time I would have told myself stop the self pitying and get on with giving up and just need to find my mojo back before it’s too late. Maybe your post is what I needed to hear, and the answers probably lie within this page I’ve obviously need to face up to the harsh reality of these demons and take the first committed steps to recover. Thanks again for taking the time to post .

regards

TF

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Came from work last night and even though I tried to stop myself my mind kept on nudging me, reminding me to have a go tonight it’s going to be a lucky night. It was and the ￡750 over the week became ￡150 profit, I had won ￡918.00 . However a quick shower later and I thought I’ll just have a couple of spins and I knew that was it ….you couldn’t write it, even though I had withdrawn ￡800 out, I ended up reversing the withdrawals and lost it all plus a hundred of my own money. That’s a grand in two hours and I really tried keeping the bets down I’m furious at myself especially as it was already 5am . Now I really don’t know what to do. Money down to ￡100 in the bank and that the last of the pay day loan i got last week, what is wrong with me???

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Hi B62,
I’m struggling with my own mini crisis at the moment having fallen off the wagon about a year ago… I’ve managed to hide it under the radar pretty well but in the last month it escalated to a whole different level. This time last month, I had been ￡2500 up, lost it won it back, lost it again and that’s when the hooks get under your skin, trying to chase it back and now I’m a ￡1000 in debt. If I can’t help myself hopefully I can help others – don’t scratch the itch, don’t pull the loose thread to discover that it was exactly that which was keepyyhe clothes in your back, do you really want to go to that hell hole again? Stay strong, because unless you stay mindful, you’ll find it a whole lot harder to stop the next time

Best wishes

TF

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Hi Big D,
Unfortunately I know exactly where you’re at and after a couple of years free, I stupidly went with a works party and everything started again. It’s going to be hard…
I was up by about ￡2500 this time last month and now I’ve lost that plus ￡1500 in my account and I just got a pay day loan which I blew half of before it’s hit my account. I may not be the best mentor to have but I am one of the best examples of who you don’t want to turn into. I’m drawing on what helped me stop a few years ago, but once you stop, you got to stay stopped…forgiveness from a family that love will get you through but if you abuse that, it’s a whole lot of heartache the second time round. So a bit a tough love and reality check… you’re not going to win. Period. Some of the richest guys in the world made their fortunes from suckers like you. They want you to believe in the jackpot. So first step is LET IT GO! Yep, that’s the first step. Whatever you’re chasing doesn’t exist like the pot at the end of the rainbow. So give up the notion now. You’re also trying to chase the dopamine rush associated with gambling so find another way to get the rush but make it something that isn’t detrimental to you- stop the drinking; if you’re an alcoholic as well, what are you going to beg for first, gambling fund or drink? I know it won’t be food- I’m happy to keep chatting to you and for some reason I think it’s going to be be best therapy for me to, reminding myself of the lessons I’ve learnt but have since forgotten. Whatever you win the next time isn’t work the pain you’re causing yourself and your family. I hope this helps but I’ll be back on for more pep talks if and it’s a big if, YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP! If you don’t, nothing and no one mortal can help. Hope to speak soon
TF

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Nobody else to blame but myself… all nighter and I couldn’t stop. Problem with forums is that you’re relying on other folk to help and after the initial niceties you’re pretty much left to fend for yourself . So so stupid!

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Mixed emotions today, frustrated that I fell off the wagon within the first week and at the same time relieved that I managed to cash out in time- normally would have waited for the massive hit or put more than I’m will to lose chasing it. The good thing is that my credit is so bad, I haven’t been able to get any over the last 6 years and my wages go into my wife’s account to pay the bills- she let me keep my bonus at Christmas which is a mixed blessing.

My previous attempts at giving up when things was at its worst only lasted 2 years “re-triggered when my b*****d boss decided that I had to taxi him and his guests to a casino when he knew I had a problem “ but at the end of the day, I had the choice not to gamble again but failed. Recently speaking my best abstinence was 2 weeks when I was on holiday with the family, oddly enough there was no urge because my time was being occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. In normal life, there is a conflict of schedules and we only see each other for a few hours a week leaving a lot of alone time to get up to no good, and the time we are together we’re all too tired to make any beneficial connection.With my past record trying to confess will not be received very well to say the least and it wouldn’t be fair on them. Is this addiction just a stupid cry for attention? It doesn’t help that when I’ve not “lost it” and a trigger goes off in my head to chase a number (usually when I’ve missed it on the one spin it came in), I can be quite lucky but it only takes one session for me to unravel a lot of winning days. I don’t have a problem with gambling on anything else but roulette, I’ve realised I either don’t know enough the sport or the game is fixed in some way. With roulette, there’s the delusional part of me that thinks I can win every time and I’ve proved that I can, but since the game works on our greed, it is only a matter of time before the house gets all the money back plus a whole lot more. There’s a phrase I’ve heard use in a couple of films and depending on your viewpoint can explain why I think I can win or why it is I lose…a broken watch is right twice a day so perhaps my luck on any given day is how much I’ve bet on that number when the clock strikes versus how much I’ve lost before it does.

Anyway sharp in take of breath and try to postpone my next bet a bit longer and failing that, cash out when I’m up. I’m also conscious that these posts are taking up a lot of my time to compose (not easy telling strangers what an arse you’ve been again and again) if nothing else I’m hoping it will help to get a sense of reality plus the realisation I need to stop, to save me the anxiety of gambling if not for the money
Bye for now guys

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Hi Stevie

Just watched the highlights after reading your post, wow what a comeback! Even though they’re my team, I never bet on Utd since the last time I did a few years ago they lost!

Love conquers all, shortly followed by Ole!

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Hi Guys
Passed an important milestone today. I parked my car outside a William Hill to buy food at the neighbouring chippy and to my surprise, I resisted the urge to go in. I think having someone else to share this recovery journey with has been key for me, it’s obviously helped to suppress my usual feelings of despair in the last couple of days and the inevitability of having no money to buy simple essentials such as lunch…I had a BLT today! I have a new confidence about my recovery at the moment and considering the extent of my problem just a few days ago, it’s near miraculous – I honestly thought the time had come again to break both my wife and daughter’s hearts for a third time!

I don’t say that lightly either…the first time was about eight years ago and even though I had lost ￡27k in a single night online, it can never match the sheer pain and disgust I felt hearing my 13 year old daughter ringing around all the local bookies trying to get me excluded, whilst choking back her own tears! That’s my reference point, my lowest point. Trouble is gamblers get complacent and forget those moments which helped them stop, and that occasionally results in a relapse.

I hope that sharing this memory will give others strength, and I know that I will read my own posts regularly to serve my own purpose, a visual reminder not to re-trace the minefields of my past. I know parents who would fight till their dying breath to save their kids from a potential predator who meant them harm, this disease needs to be treated with equal contempt and disdain because unchecked, it too can rob you of your family’s happiness as it robbed my daughter of her childhood.

Coincidentally, I watched “Darkest Hour ” tonight and there was a quote at the end
by Winston Churchill :-
“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts”.

2 days bet-free, long may it continue

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Hi Stevie,

Passed an important milestone today. I parked my car outside a William Hill to buy food at the neighbouring chippy and to my surprise, I resisted the urge to go in. I think having someone else to share this recovery journey with has been key for me, it’s obviously helped to suppress my usual feelings of despair in the last couple of days and the inevitability of having no money to buy simple essentials such as lunch…I had a BLT today! I have a new confidence about my recovery at the moment and considering the extent of my problem just a few days ago, it’s near miraculous – I honestly thought the time had come again to break both my wife and daughter’s hearts for a third time!

I don’t say that lightly either…the first time was about eight years ago and even though I had lost ￡27k in a single night online, it can never match the sheer pain and disgust I felt hearing my 13 year old daughter ringing around all the local bookies trying to get me excluded, whilst choking back her own tears! That’s my reference point, my lowest point. Trouble is gamblers get complacent and forget those moments which helped them stop, and that occasionally results in a relapse.
I hope that sharing it with you will give you strength, I know you would fight till your dying breath to save your kids from a potential predator who meant them harm, this disease needs to be treated with equal contempt and disdain because unchecked, it too will rob you of your family’s happiness as it robbed my daughter of her childhood.

Take care buddy

Stay Strong
TF

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Hi Stevie 

Sorry its taken me so long to reply, there’s been a lot happening in the last few days as you can imagine. I was up till 5am on Monday morning, having pretty much cleaned out my account (￡900); in answer to your question, I think it scared me enough to reach out on the forum for the first time. Having relapsed so many times over the years, I had pretty much run out of ideas of how I was going stop not only this time, but for good.

I may not be accurate in my own evaluation but I think my gambling problem arose, ironically, out of money worries coupled with more than my fair share of greed, and an unhealthy envy of other people’s lifestyle. Sometimes I gambled out of boredom, but mostly it was a form of escapism (from high levels of work related stress) and stupidly, in defiance to my wife and daughter when we became a bit disfunctional as a family. 

My gambling had become pretty bad recently and I tried to convince myself that after a near miraculous comeback on a bookie roulette machine (I had won just over ￡3k), I was going to go out on a high, even to the extent I asked the cashier girl to ban me whilst I was up – it wasn’t her fault but because of all the crap you need to do for self exclusion, that never happened and within a week that money went back into their machines…and that turned into setting up an online account etc, leading up to the self-pity and self-loathing that always comes after losing big.

The good news is that in an effort to support you, I haven’t felt the need so much to bet since, it’s probably the first day since December that I didn’t go into the bookies! So despite being skint, I do feel grateful to have dropped by your post and hope you can draw encouragement from my posts too.

I’m falling asleep as I type so stay strong and I’ll catch up with you later.

TF

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Hi Guys,
Surprised I survived the day today, I only got about 2 hours sleep and some of that was interrupted. It’s not my first free day yet since I was still technically gambling until the early hours but I had money in my pocket but drove past my usual bookies after work instead of diving in for a flutter before my wife and daughter missed me…it helped that I had scared myself so badly yesterday, it was pretty much D-day since I was going to go overdrawn with the bank, even more so when I don’t have an arrangement in place.

I was pretty upset anyway but in the end I was left angry that one particular gaming site insisted on ID and proof of deposit, address, ownership of account etc. before they would allow any withdrawals which is just a sly way of getting you to gamble your winnings back before you had to chance to cash out; so much for Caring about responsible gambling ! But I’m determined to wait patiently, if only to get the funds back in my account to cover some bills. See you all tomorrow TF

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Hi Stevie,
I know I’ve been struggling myself but when I was stronger, I used to ask myself “what ever the amount you win today, is it worth losing your wife and daughter for?” It helps if you know you love them and they love you. And it is a bit like going on a diet (but much harder I know), it’s always harder to start the recovery than it is to keep it going. I’ve joined this forum, so if not for myself, then perhaps I can help someone else…I set an alarm to go off every day with a reminder “promise to (insert name)” and usually that helps me get over the finishing line.
I scared myself sh*tless today with the stint I pulled and because Casumo are making so difficult to withdraw my funds (care about responsible gambling my arse, their policies clearly intend for punters to lose it back before they get a chance to withdraw), I actually have no money to gamble- nor for much else for that matter, even when I thought I’ve won I can’t spend it. Good luck
TF

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