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Hello @wewinwhenwedontplay
First of all don’t be sad at all, this is part of this recovery and fight with this evil.
But during my short recovery, I got to know that ……why relapse happens “Bcoz you still didn’t surrender yourself”. The first rule of this recovery says “Surrender yourself and don’t do anything foolish to clean the mess”. Last 3 days, I have feeling of playing too, thus what i have done “I changed my mobile device, i don’t have smart phone anymore, no access to internet through mobile”; I give my number which is linked with my banks to my wife. (i dont have single penny in that bank account, but soon i will have :P)
So just request you with folded hands, put as many blockers as you can, as per your situation, and keep yourself positive. Dont think you loose in gambling, assume you have opened a business and that fails drastically. And, now you have to pay back to your investors slowly and gradually by the hard work which you have done in past. And, try to learn new things/hobby. Apologies, if i said anything wrong….but its only you who can beat this demon.
@sjc1 tell someone who cares for you, and surrender yourself mentally & Financially
I have completed 32 days Clean, but one harsh reality is I am still suffering with anxiety of my debt and the demon keep pushing illusion in my mind.
Today, I want to write about the “Illusion”; that we can try this or that strategy and can win a bit or lot as per capacity or capability.
– We all have won during our tenure of gambling, but this win is the ruthless strategy played by casino. Just an example – we deposit 10K, and somehow stay on winning streak and make it 50K. But, as soon as we reach a certain point we loose all in few seconds. And, than we try to directly deposit 50K to recover all win and looses. And, end up loosing single penny we used to have in our pocket.
– All houses give lucrative offers such as cashback, and payback points. This offers are not big deal for compulsive gambler like us, but it causes relapse to few of us. And, once we relapse game gets over.
– Except few casino’s, no one allow you to set bet limit or loosing limit.
– A common observation from various compulsive gamblers, whenever they go back to casino’s after a break of a month or two; they always win for the first time.
Apologies for this non-sense; just feel writing something so…posting this. There are lot more to add; but not feeling well.
Just to write and share, whatever we used to call our gambling addiction ” an illness or disorder”, but the bitter truth is we are the one who are responsible for this and we are the only one who can cure ourselves.
So request all my friends here, just stick to the plan don’t let the guard down. And, try to save others who are new to this addiction if someone in your social circle.
I, myself is in lot of pain and guilt for my evil activities in last 2-3 years. I have literally ruined my family life, but by grace of god and blessings of you all guys here got to know that “Its only me who can fix this, but this fixture will require patience and time” may be double or triple of the time which is been taken to ruin the same.
So request all to keep your guard On, think of beautiful future which is waiting for us ( we just need to pass this messy road, and we will be in valley of happiness soon)
Almighty will grace all of us with strength and immunity to stay away from this evil demon.
Hello @jvr3419
First of all Heartiest Congratulations for achieving one feat, and request you to keep focus to achieve the Next level. (by clearing the next exam). This is kind of good signs during the bad time.
Don’t think of past, it always haunt. Whenever you think that past or anything else is pushing your towards the demon, try to write here or where you feel comfortable. Talk to your friends and loved ones who cares for you, or talk with GA community with whom you are comfortable. Because whatever the stage/iusse is “Sharing is Caring” and the best healing touch.
Hello Daniel,
Congrats on completing 45+ days Clean. This means you have crossed the first mini milestone.
@Cruising247
Don’t let your guard down there will be lot of hiccups in this journey, but we have to stay strong in any way we can. I used to go through the same pain, but somehow I am able to control it.Just want to share what I used to do when I am sad or feel urge to play; I used to write anything on this forum or notepad. Used to draw my imagination on the piece of paper. Like yesterday I was drowning in the water and when I am trying to come out; Gambling Demon is going to push back me in the water.
This time, except my GA family no one knows the harsh reality of mine. So, I just share my sorrow/remorse here.
Wish, we all can come up Strong and beat this demon day by day.
In around 3 hours from now, I will complete 32 days Clean. But last 03 days the Demon Voice is overtaking, and illusion again start coming in the mind. (And, Illusion says try again and just try to win 20-25$ per day, which will help me have food in my plate).
But the God Voice and Inner Strength says, we don’t need to fall prey of this Demon and Illusion. This illusion will always be with me/us; but in last we have to stay away. I am writing this; so i can keep myself at other bay. Bcoz, once I go back the debt hole will become more deep.
At the moment, I just have support of you guys and the inner voice. Almighty please help me, the way you help us to arrange money for playing ??
Very Thankful to Almighty, that I have bunch of people like you who understand the illness we are facing and enlighten the path we have to follow.
But except this illness, I think my serious problem is lying to my loved ones. I was just 13 years old when I lied to my parents which is going to affect my life, but thanks to God & my Father who saved me from my first career mistake. Than everything goes fine for around 4 years, and than again I started lying about my college academic performance, but by god of grace and little struggle I came out of that very easily.
And, from there onwards Everything goes fine till Dec 2019, and I again started lying my Parents, Partner, and Loved Ones. And this is all about Debt because of my non sense life style & Gambling. The very First time I confessed and open about the illness with them in Feb 2020. Later in Nov 2020, I again started lying to get money and playing but almighty blessed me and I stopped at the time where I and my family can still cope up. In Feb 2021, I confessed and updated about my second instance.
But my current and Third instance, I don’t have guts to confess & I updated a bit about the issue I am in but not clearly opening up each piece of the shit. This time, I fear that if I update the real truth, I will be going loose all which is left with me.
I don’t know what to do, I am doing right or wrong by not telling everyone about everything; but I know there is still a smile left on my loved ones which will be vanished once I update them about my real sufferings.
Almighty please give me strength to cope up with this phase and keep my family intact.
Just from no where, want to share my day to day sufferings in this recovery.
Every morning from last one month I used to wake up on positive node, start my work. But as day passes on someone in the family or a lender knock my mental gates. And it act as gasoline in the burning woods. The worst part of all my wrongdoings, I still used to lie to my loved ones who are someone concerned about me. I don’t know how to cope with all this.
At this stage, I assume that my real family is this GA group only, to whom I can share everything. I knew, we can just listen to each other, help them emotionally; but I assume that is the biggest support we need at the moment.
One more observation, Money is not important but it act as a catalyst for all the relations we have. When you burn money, like we gamblers used to do; everyone take corner and avoid us.
Hello @danieldrake1 @crusing247
Hope you both are doing good and keeping strong hold in this recovery journey.
I also completed 31 Days Clean, but the feeling of guilt is increasing day by day. Once, I have stopped playing and no more burning hard earned money in the casinos “I have feeling that what I have lost”. I lost ample of time which I can spend with my family and loved ones. And, last but not least the anxiety which take negative toll on my physical and mental health. Day and night just thinking of the same, whenever I feel relaxed someone comes in and pour hot oil on the burning fire.
Really useful words, that “start staying away right away, because the sooner the better”. But I have identified this road to be recovery really bumpy and difficult. I am gambling addict from last 2 years only, and this is my 3rd attempt to be normal. In first attempt I just ruined 10k, second time I ruined 15K, and this time I ruined 50K in addition to the relations/friends/family I lost or about to loose. In all 3 instance, I stopped playing when I run out of money and options to get money from somewhere.
Right now, I am clean for 30 days and paid back 2k this month, which means if I go with this pace it will take me 24 months to be debt free (in addition, I am trying to not take help from anyone this time; so I can feel how bad this addiction is).
I lost trust of my family/Friends/Relatives who helped me during last instance, about to loose my wife and 2 years old daughter. I as a gambler is so helpless, that last time I pledge for my daughter that I will not do anything like this, but this shitty addiction ruined everything again.
I feel so helpless in last 2 years that, I visit online casino, and played only one game on a specific table; I never tried any other game or table. At age of 34 doing this mistake, make me feel cry whenever I am alone at home or anywhere else.
People at GA used to say, that we have to surrender first and we don’t need to try anything fancy or out of box to fix the consequences we are facing because of this addiction. But controlling is the difficult part. I haven’t share with anyone but last 3 days I am feeling finishing myself, but think of my daughter that may be one day I will be normal and can give her future she deserve.
Hello @jvr3419
Read your posts and your emotions spill in all your post too.
I have just one piece of suggestion, Gambling addiction is totally of different level as compared to others. It ruins your family, relations, and finances.
and, this addiction cant be cured so we all just need to be stay with addiction in the same room, but we have to be at different corner of that room. And, lastly its our choice how we are going to stay away from it “so just stay away from the first bet. A quote from a user “We win, when we dont play”.
Hello @wewinwhenwedontplay
Read your post, except your leg injury your story reminds me of my past. (just 30 days old past).
Hope you are determined to beat this beast and stay away from it. Wish Almighty give you strength.
Finally I completed 30 days Gamble free.
Financially & Physically, I have nothing with me. All relations are in broken state, finances are totally ruined. But Yes, Today I feel an inner peace that was missing from last 2 years.
Just praying “Almighty please give me strength to Stay away from this Demon; and give enough capability so I can payback to all my friends and relatives slowly & gradually.”
Hello Family,
Apologies for being away from the Portal, first of all the update….I am 25 days Gamble Free. Going through lot of pain, anxiety, panic attacks and over all the burden of Debt (The mountain of Debt).
Last few days, I away from Internet as this is one of the best way to help me to avoid gambling sites. But by grace of God, the demon and me are in same room; but at different corner of the room.
@temidayo – Dont worry about anything just start the journey to recovery to be a normal person again. There will lot of ups and down, but keep your self standing tall. God will help you in this all. And dont fall prey to illusion that you can win, at end you will loose all…that the truth of gambling.