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Hiya Dear Kathryn
I have just scrapped tons of words. Your question on my thread has made me do a lot of thinking so I hope my thoughts do not come out too jumbled. xx
I realise you already aware of a lot I am going to write but I need to put things down to get my thoughts into some sort of order.   
When my CG left rehab we moved things along gently because we had to build up trust on both sides. I think it was more than that though – I think we were both dealing with our new ‘normal’ – we were handling our thoughts more carefully because these were our ‘new memories’ – the ones we were going to keep. 
He became aware during counselling that his memories were possibly inaccurate but the most important thing was that those memories should not weigh so heavily that they prevented him from starting anew. His head had been full of ‘the gamble’ for so long that there was no room for much else. To gamble meant he had to lie. His lies became his truth. To go back and analyse all those years would be impossible and unhelpful so he has accepted that he cannot change that which has gone before – he can only change that which is ‘now’ and is ‘to come’ and ensure that it is good.
He had an obvious memory problem a little while after rehab when he said something he ‘remembered’ from his teens and believed to be 100% true. I watched the dismay and distress on his face as he realised his memory had been a distortion of the truth and I decided from then on to ‘help’ him when I could but never to worry – we were looking forward not back.
We had a photographic session and I introduced him to a lot of his life and it was a good experience.  
I want to put all this into perspective though. I am a non-CG who has parts of her life that she doesn’t remember. 
I had tremendous memory loss as a result of stress resulting in me having a secret Alzheimer’s test.
I now know that I am not losing my memory (apart from a few senior moments) and I believe it is because I am in control of my life.   I have accepted that there are memories I have lost through stress, memories I choose not to remember and memories that I suppose just get lost which I assume is normal.
I know that being relaxed is better for memory recall than worry.
How old were you when you started gambling. On top of what I think is normal forgetfulness you have been struggling with an addiction whose job it was to control your memory. You have stood up to that addiction and removed its control putting ‘you’ in charge. I think your memories from now on will stay with you and you will be able to trust them.
I feel as though this is such a big subject and I want to say so much and yet don’t seem able to put anything into words succinctly enough.
I believe it is better not to worry too much about what you might have forgotten. Don’t delve too deeply or too intensely.   
If you feel you might not have dealt with your father’s death then how about talking about it on here, in the groups or to the helpline. I think that being afraid of the loss of the memory will make it more difficult to recall. Don’t be afraid. I’m sure your dad would have wished you to remember him alive.
I adored my dad. He didn’t say much (unlike me) but what he did say made sense.   I do remember his death and his funeral but I was older than 16. I know, however, my dad would not want me remembering the sad bits and I have happy photos in my home to remind me of his life.
‘Your’ life is not ‘forgettable’ it is just that some parts are more memorable than others. xx
I don’t know where Meg is. I thought she should be home by now. Perhaps they have kept her in the zoo – she is unique. Maybe they couldn’t get her in the plane with her hands sticking up. I am sure wherever she is we will hear again soon.
You take care too Kathryn. You have become very special.
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 

[velvet]

Dear Kathryn
thank you for popping over onto my thread – I love to see your name there.  I have thought a lot about your question and I am not going to attempt to answer it while my husbands stomach is growling for his dinner (or is it mine).  Answer it I will as best I can – and soon.
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Hiya Kathryn
I’m just off out for the day but I had to pop in and wish you a really happy birthday. I haven’t time to read all your posts but I notice ‘bling’ is involved. I will have to come back and read all about it. You deserve all your happiness and I hope you and your bling sparkle for ever.
I will be raising my glass to you tonight at 19.00 hours UK – great to know that somewhere in Sydney someone else is too. Hope she takes her hands out of the air long enough to take a sip.  Somehow I don’t think she will spill a drop!! 
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
You don’t sound at all crazy to me. I know you pop over to F&F. Have you never read the posts that say – ‘My husband Fred Bloggs  is committing to a gamble-free life why do I feel weird and crying when I’ve waited for years for this moment’?
Anything that affects our emotions deep down takes time to get that deep. I think that when the situation turns and impossible dreams become possible it must take time for the emotion to come out and so we feel weird and cry and other things that we don’t think we should do or feel.
I think your description ‘gambling hangover’ is superb but I think this time it is an emotional hangover that you just need to take your time with. You were all geared up to believe the worst so that you could cope and then ‘POW’ the elephant blew up and left you reeling. Your mind felt like it was going from everything to nothing in one millisecond but your sub-conscious is taking a little longer to accept it is over. You will get there and this will become a distant memory just another little hiccough along life’s way.
I have my glass ready for raising on the 11th which fortunately falls a week before the full moon so hopefully I should be fairly stable and won’t spill my toast to you.
The dress sounds terrific and a make-over will make you feel tip-top. I just wear a mask these days or a brown paper bag on special occasions.
Loads and Loads of Love
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hiya Kathryn
Thank goodness for that. I woke this morning to a giant bang and all across my bedroom window was grey stuff – I thought the world had come to an end.
I am sooooooooooooooooo relieved to read your fantastic post and know that what I heard was just the elephant exploding.
I don’t even mind cleaning it off the windows it is such happy day because the night of the Fester has gone and the sun is shining.
I must secretly admit I am relieved not to be going on the roller coaster with Al throwing up and Meg’s flailing arms smacking me across the face but I suspect you are still on a bit of a ride. Allow yourself to slow down gently – you must have been wound up like a coiled spring for quite a long time. Please look after yourself as you un-ping.
As Always with loads of love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

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With you in thought
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Hi Dear Kathryn
I have been thinking long and hard about you and your questions.
I cannot imagine Fester’s thinking and agree completely with everybody else that she should have no input in what is going on. She is out of the picture, dead in the water. Same goes for Mr Fester – what he is thinking can only be surmised!!!! They should have nothing to do with your family, you are not being unreasonable. 
I have tried to think what I would do and feel if I were in your shoes.   I do think that if we can hold our heads up high when we are faced with a dreadful situation it is easier to live with afterward. It is good to look back on our behaviour with pride.   Come on here and scream but keep your head up when it matters. xx
I have tried to think what I would feel if I was Sasha and in many ways that was easier. I think I would be terrified. 
I do believe that when we believe someone is more scared than we are it helps.  
You will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. You have been in my thoughts for many days already.
Go for it. You are a great girl. I’ve got my arms up ready to embrace the ride with you if you will allow me. Don’t be afraid. You can do this.  
Loads and loads of love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 
 

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Hiya Kathryn
I wouldn’t miss this roller coaster ride with you and Meglee provided she has cleaned her mascara up, Aljohn and the elephant (hope the sick bags are big enough).   I have a mental picture of loads of members on the roller coaster chucking elephants out all over the place. I am sure they will all bounce and be OK but they do not belong in our homes.
I wonder if in a tribe of elephants when things feel awkard in the clearing they imagine a human being!!!!!!
Just a thought
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Dear Kathryn
Whatever happens you will be alright. Kathryn that is brilliant.  You might feel happier but you won’t feel worse. xx
Would it help to believe ‘now’ that Sasha is Damian’s daughter and then you will either have already accepted the worst in advance or you will be relieved that she is not?
Dames is showing you his anger because he cannot undo what has happened. He has the guilty feelings – you do not. I certainly don’t believe that it is only a CG trait that directs anger towards the wrong person when there are guilty feelings. My daughter always shouted at me when she arrived late as if it was ‘my’ fault she had a time-keeping problem. Attack is the best form of defence – works most times. We accepted she would always be late and she stopped shouting.
Feeling numb and in limbo is not a good place to be for any of us. I feel numb and in limbo at the thought I might have to get my zimmer frame on a flight to Australia to clock on the nose someone I have come to care about very much because she even considered on-line gambling!
I cannot write often enough because F&F keeps me busy but I do care very much and I do read your thread. Now give that hungry elephant a bun and tell him he has to go.
Loads of Love – thinking about you
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
I think you are doing well with your attitude to the DNA. You are taking control of the situation which is a positive move and all positive moves and thinking must be good for you at this time. Hiding away is old behaviour and not part of this new wonderful Kathryn.
I didn’t realise when you talked about the elephant in the zoo that you had brought him home but I am sure you will send him back very soon – you are thinking for everyone and the elephant has to go – too expensive to feed and there is not enough room on the sofa. Mind you he might behave himself in Kmart apart from the mess on the floor but you can always pretend it had nothing to do with you xx.
Have you found with three children that if you try and photograph them – one is always not looking or pulling a face? 
thinking about you
Loads of Love
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
I wish I had a best friend to eat disgusting, delicious looking cream cakes with even Meg who is so rude to me has one to share her choccie éclairs with. My friends all do the health food bit!!
I was shocked to read that Meg is too old at ‘nearly 40’ to go nightclubbing in Sydney – I must tell the poor old thing that I can still boogie the night away and I like my vino too.
I absolutely loved Australia. 
I did go to the zoo when we were in Sydney so I assume it must have been the Taronga Zoo but it was the wombats that got my vote back then.   My favourite memory though is sitting with the pelicans on the beach at Monkey Mia waiting for the dolphins to arrive. I never thought a pelican could be such great and funny company.
Your post about your gambling was very honest and I think would have taken a lot out of you to write. I am glad that you found GT as well because it has been great getting to know you and you have added so much to the F&F forum.
I am very aware that you are soon to get the results of the DNA test. Your posts are much more positive and I believe implicitly that positive thought and acceptance are the keys to how we handle the ups and downs in our lives. I like the sound of your new normal and that you are accepting that Sasha may be part of your new normal – well done for using her name xx
  
Thinking about you and those mouth-watering cakes
Loads of Love
Velvet xxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
Just popped in to catch up.
Your posts get more and more positive and it is great to see a gorgeous person emerging bit by bit.
Applying the lessons we learned living with the compulsion to gamble (both as a CG and as non-CG) to other parts of our lives seems to make sense of the insensible to me. It gives the ‘unfairness’ of it all a reason.
I had to deal with something the other week that had nothing to do with compulsive gambling whatsoever but without the lessons I have learnt from my CG and from these forums I would not have understood. I would have had trouble accepting.
Like you I have a lot to be thankful for and ‘acceptance’ and ‘non-judgement’ come high on the list.
Today I read about you in Australia with your whirlwind sister and family and I knew how you felt as you slid down the wall when they left even though you had enjoyed it.
Without the uninvited experience that I had and the acceptance that I could not change that experience I would not have met you and so many other wonderful people. 
I am glad that I have learnt to change one of the few things that I can (me) even if I can’t remember how old I am! I don’t think I said that I wasn’t 96 but then I don’t remember where I’ve put my teeth or my zimmer frame either. 
Now where was I? Oh yes I was going to write to Kathryn ……………
Loads of Love
Velvet (I think) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
No apology needed. According to Donought (in F&F) I am 126 and live in a tree.
I always said I was 29 but eventually I was sussed because I admitted I lived with the addiction for over 23 years before my 37 year old son CG faced his demons and committed to a gamble-free life.   The ever resourceful F&F put 2 and 2 together and sadly I had to admit that maybe I was a tiny bit older.
I am glad you do not carry guilt. Regret I understand. 
You could not offend me and I will pop over every now and then and see how you are getting on. I do have a thread somewhere but being ancient I have probably lost it!!
Sorry I haven’t really answered your question but if you think you have a sticky nose you have not been on the receiving end of an F&F group inquisition. xx
Loads of Love
Velvet xxxx
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Kathryn
I have just read your post on Willit’s thread and as always when I read such words from a person with the compulsion to gamble I find myself looking for the author.
Please don’t break your heart for our threads. We have to learn that someone we love has an illness that they cannot help without support. What you write does not sound ‘dumb’ but please don’t give yourself unnecessary guilt. We are not on different sides. I think we are two halves of the same illness. We can either chose to carry on or change our lives. That is difficult for all of us but we ‘all’ have the ability to make our own choice.
‘You’ did nothing to the F&F forum apart from share in it, which is great. Your illness will probably have hurt those around but it hurts you too. I am not a CG and I cannot judge.   You are not responsible for all the pain that this illness inflicts.  
I want both forums to succeed in supporting gamble-free lives and I rejoice in every success.
It is great to see you in F&F – please pop in again
Loads of Love
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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