[Lily Nix]

So, new to the site and have reading some posts and can so relate! I am actually on day 2. Like a lot of you this is prob my hundredth day 1, and I am trying to stay positive! I have on this journey for about seven years, before I became obsessed with the machine, I never thought about gambling, and now it is all I think about,,, It all started with going to Vegas a few times, the third time I went I remember the feeling of zoning out and the thrill of the win, I loved it and I was hooked. Now I have worked in the same building for 20 years and there is a casino a block away which I never went to but after that last trip to Vegas, I was walking through th casino with

a friend and I said let’s throw in 20.00, she said no, I can’t I have to get back to work, but guess what I did not say no and three in the 20 and I haven’t stopped since. I guess I did come clean to my husband a few years ago and I quit for 3 months but it was not what I want and I didn’t really accept the fact I can’t not gamble like a normal person, I have no control and never will. I have to surrender to this fact and let go of the game. Gambling has robbed me of so much, not only my money, but my time and when it comes right down to it my sanity!!!!

 

I never have done much about this disease and I am a nurse so should really understand but I didn’t want to accept that it happened to me, my brain has change and I must do something about it. I  have opened up to my husband and I am going to make an appt on Monday for counselling, have thought about self excluding but in 4 months i am moving to a different building far away from the casino, and most of my time spent there was when I was working….I want to get through this 4 month, no change that I CAN and WILL get through.

 

 

I have found this site and it is great to be able to write this and hopefully get feedback!!! 

 

[Lily Nix]

you are right about self excluding, I should just do it! I am taking tomorrow off to get some thing sorted out so this could be one thing I do!

[Lily Nix]

Day 5 today, I have surrendered, giving up the fight, getting out of the win/lose battle, stopping the chasing. The money I have lost is gone, and never will be won back, never!
I do not have control when I step foot in a casino, all reasoning is out the door and demon wins every time!

In my surrender, I will find my salvation

Love reading all the different threads/ posts on this site, we are different but the same in so many ways, it true makes me feel less alone.

Coming to site and posting often is part of my healing process…seven years is too long to live in the dark and cause myself massive pain, I deserve more, so do we all!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lily
Well done on recognising that you have a problem
With gambling and on seeking help.

It is really hard to stop without support – a solution for you could be to self ban from the casino . I am not sure where you are from by most countries have this facility . This would mean that when the urges come to visit this casino you simply can’t .
Perhaps your husband would go with you to do this ? Ten minutes embarrassment for the next four months of freedom? It would give you great peace .

I have been gambling for a little longer than you and it is a constant battle but life is so much better without it and the shame , guilt and regret gambling brings .

Onwards and upwards Sara.

[i-did-it]

Sorry Lilly ! Typo!

[Lily Nix]

Thanks for the encouragement and I know you are both right about the self exclusion, I have a counselling appt next week that I am going to follow through on, in the past I have set up so many appts and then never gone! And I have planned self exculsion before too and never gone, prob because of embarrassment, but you are right 10 mins of embarrassment is not a bad price to pay for my freedom….and yes my husband would come for sure. Now it’s just to do it.

I had a pretty good week, a couple of urges, mine always start with “just go throw in 20, you can control it, it will be different this time“ what I lie I tell myself, this week when I got those thoughts a couple times, I stopped what I was doing and thought the whole thing through from finish to end and when I did this, I cam out a loser, so I didt go, I basically talked myself out of it….but if I was banned from the casino I know it would be easier. It is the weekend now so I am pretty save, got lots to do besides gambling.

Just another thing to note, I feel I have physically symptoms from gambling, everytime I quit, I notice my eye and corner of my mouth twitching uncontrollably and this is probably from the sitting and zoning out at the cold lonely machine….it’s annoying and I am sure it will go away in time.

Hope everyone has a gamble free day!

[Lily Nix]

So over a week no gambling and already my mind is saying okay you don’t need counselling, I have an appt for Tuesday and I must force myself to go and at least try it out. Others have said counselling has helped them, I guess I am worried that it might set me off into another depressive state and I will gamble….I have always been the type to deny my feeling and just go along as if everything is okay, but I know everything is not okay, this last gambling cycle has scared me, I was like a crazy person trying to win beck my losses and that is not normal, I must go to counselling, I deserve to feel better and stop this obsession for good!

[velvet]

Hello Lily Nix and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lily
You nearly escaped the well-worn, hopefully useful, Welcome Post but I’m glad I spotted you!
I hope you will update after your counselling session and whether you struggle with it or not that you will continue to post here.
It’s that nasty addiction devil called complacency that is popping up and whispering in your ear that you don’t need counselling. Now I know that I don’t know if this counselling is right for you but I think that what is probably right for you is that you follow through and add the achievement to your journal – thus showing that devil that you are stronger than it is.
Journals are great for looking back and seeing how far you have come and you are already getting a history of gamble-free days to look back on and spur you on in the future.
The anonymity of the forum and the groups makes this site a great place to explore your feelings, hopefully you will become aware that such feelings are common and understood by those who are walking with you.
You are right that you deserve to feel better
Keep posting
Velvet

[Lily Nix]

Thanks Velvet for the welcome and your thoughts on counselling. You are right it is an accomplishment that I want to post here tomorrow after I have gone. I appreciate the encouragement to go!

I have always talked myself out of any help, thinking I have this cased, I can do it on my own, well look how far that has got me….I have only had 3 months of no gambling in seven years and this time I want it to stop for good.

I had no urges today and I am thankful for that but I know that that demon is luring just waiting for a weak moment.

So I will go tomorrow and see if counselling is for me, I am really ashamed to admit to a stranger where I have been and all the time and money wasted, but she should understand.

I am feeling better already just coming and reading other peoples journeys as I know there is hope!

[Lily Nix]

Thanks Sara for checking in, so I went to the counsellor, actually followed through. It was okay, for the 45 mins I was there, she told me twice about how she was addicted to smoking and compared it to gambling, did not find it useful at all. Some parts were okay, admitting it and saying it out lot that I have a gambling problem was good, but honestly after the sessions was over I had the biggest urge I have had in 10 days, but I didnt gamble!

I did book another session but not sure if I will go, talked with my husband and we made a really good plan of ensuring we have daily check ins and I am going to open up to my best friend, and I will keep posting here to gain the strength I need.

I know there are support group meetings on this site and I am going to join these as well.

I know I can never gamble again!

[Lily Nix]

Thanks Sara, I wouldn’t just tell just any friend, this one is more like a sister to me and I trust her to keep what I tell her confidential….sorry to hear you have not had the same experience telling your friends.

I am feeling very peaceful right now and know there is so much more to life then gambling…I am not in denial anymore, I can not place that first 20 in that slot machine, because if I do I have no control, I will quickly be down thousands just like the last time I was in the casino 10 days ago. I have lost that money it’s gone never to be back in my bank account again. But I can rebuild and move forward.

Like I have heard from different people on here,

Onwards and upwards!!!

[velvet]

Hi Lily
Well done going to the counselling; I’m sorry that she compared a gambling problem to smoking addiction – you will never hear such a comparison on this site.
I suspect you booked another session because you gained ‘something’ from being physically in the same room as the counsellor and it was one to one but only you can decide if you want to continue. I saw a counsellor many years ago and described addictive gambling in a family member but she didn’t join up the dots and I left feeling worse than I went in. Maybe you could educate her if you go again!
I think it is great that your husband is willing and able to support you and I hope your best friend is equally as supportive. I don’t think it is necessary for someone else to own an addiction for them to be a good support but I do think it helps if they are open to listening. We are all different and sometimes we made wrong calls about who we confide in but a true friend can be an amazing support.
I believe that grabbing all the support that is available is the best way forward; your counsellor has given you ‘something’ and if you add that to all the other things you are doing, you will put together a strong base for your gamble-free life. Even unhelpful comments can sometimes benefit you in that they can teach you what ‘you’ don’t find helpful making your path easier by clearing the unnecessary debris out of the way – for instance, if you didn’t know before, you know now, that the addiction to smoking and the addiction to gamble are not comparable.
Well done going to the meeting. I wish you well.
Velvet

[Johnny B]

I am about 5 months gamble free as of this writing. I went to counseling as demand from my wife to save my marriage. I had no Idea how much my problem was causing issues between us. The fact that I told her I wasn’t gambling, but was still doing it behind her back was a breach of trust and just another form of infidelity.
Long story short, I did not want to be in counseling, I had it under control. I have been taking counseling seriously for the last 6 months. I wasted almost a year thinking I knew better. In the last 6 months, my way of thinking has improved, and my self esteem is much better (self esteem was always an issue, and a reason I enjoyed gambling so much).
I didn’t like myself very much, and I didn’t care what gambling did to me. But because of my wife, and my respect for her, I was willing to try, and make a positive effort. We can say we want to quit, but many of us truly don’t want to, until it is too late.
If my advice means anything, keep up with the counseling, if you aren’t happy with your current counselor, seek out another. In the right situation, as mine is, my counselor is more like a life coach. They know they cannot control what I do, but they want me to think it through before I act, and that alone has kept me from gambling over 5 months now.
Best wishes
Johnny B

[i-did-it]

Hi Lily
Firstly well done on going to counselling- it takes courage to open up – and the fact that you are open with your husband and best friend will be of enormous help to you.

It sounds like your counsellor doesn’t have experience of gambling addiction- I do think it is useful to compare addictions from a medical or research point of view- however the consequences of smoking addiction rapidly reduce after stopping. Gambling addiction can take years or decades to finally fix all the financial problems – there is such huge difference in the aftermath of these addictions I feel it unhelpful for a counsellor to compare . Also unless she is practicing what she preaches I’m not sure how she can help you with your addiction! Surely she has all the tools to stop !

I think Johnny has given you some sound advice – – perhaps if you see the counsellor as just helping you to rebuild you. I’m not sure where you live but gam care can advice you of suitable counsellors
.well done on your journey so far

You said it Lily
Onwards and upward s!

[Lily Nix]

Thank you soooo much Velvet, Johnny and I Did it, I really respect and appreciate your comments and opinions. I did make another appointment with that counsellor and my husband is suppose to come…I am not sure if I will keep it, as I am look for someone with a background in addictions; this one didn’t have that.

I know that this forum is so valuable to me, because everyone on here can relate to each, our stories may have started different and we may bet by different means, slots, races, stocks, etc….but one thing is constant I feel, we lose control after that first bet is placed and we can’t stop until all the money gone and more!!! It is a vicious circle, win and then lose, go back for more, win BIG now and okay this is it, but no go back cause you think you are going to win more and then what do you know before you even realize you have lost it all again….I am so tired of the game, the ever ending suffering I put myself through.

Johnny, I can relate about self esteem and not caring, I was totally there, lieing to my husband, put 20 after 20 into the slots, zoned out to easy to pain! And well done on 5 months.

And yes I did it, the effects of gambling on me will prob take years to repair!

Velvet, I can tell from your comments you are a wealth of knowlegde so thanks for posting.
Thanks again!

I know I need to continue with counsellling and all your kind comments have just reinforces it.

[Lily Nix]

Just about one month without gambling, and no urges until today….walking for my lunch break and out of the blue, thought enters my mind just go through in 20, I even looked in wallet to see how money I had on me, but then lucky for me a stronger voice said, Really don’t do it and the thoughts of what would happen entered my mind…I would have spent way more then 20, prob more like 500….and I would have been in there way longer then my hour lunch break, and the vivacious cycle would start again.

That’s all it takes for me, I have been done that track before and I know where it ends.

No gambling for me today, but it is an indicated I need to come here more and post and find another counsellor!

[Lily Nix]

Sara I have been really busy at work but I know I need to keep up with posting and reading here or things will slip…yesterday was a reminder!

I never want to return to the hell again, onward and upwards today. I am out of the office today on a road trip to present to a group of physicians so should be a great day!

[finding_laura]

Hi Lily,

glad to see you didn’t give in to temptation. You played the tape til the end and knew you would walk out of there empty handed, missing time from work, filled with all sorts of negative emotions. When we get that tempted feeling we have to remember how it always ends! Welcome to the forum Lily.

[Lily Nix]

Laura, you are so right, too often I never played the tape until the end and was fooled into thinking it would be different. I think it is so important to get some gamble free days built up so a person is stronger fighting the urges….thanks for the welcome too!

[velvet]

Hi Lily
You heard the voice of complacency and you refused it’s silver tongue because you recognised that it was forked.
Great post – I really liked it
Velvet

[Lily Nix]

Velvet thanks for words of encouragement…still no gambling. Had a few thoughts, but the difference is I am not allowing them to take me over completely. I have let it go and surrender to fact I can not gamble responsible anymore!

[finding_laura]

Hey Lily, just wanted to see if you are still floating around and how you are doing.

We can never gamble responsibly again is a for sure. We may manage to use a bit of self control for a very brief period of time but it never lasts. Once we have crossed that line into becoming a gambling addict we can never return to sensible gambler.

Give us a update. Hope you are doing ok.
Laura

[Lily Nix]

For checking in Laura, I really appreciate it! I am doing well, no gambling still and I am grateful for that…my life has been very busy both at work and personal….but I know i have to be aware and that I can not fall into same old habits.i have had a few thoughts of gambling but so far I have been able just to say to my self, I don’t do that anymore as I know where it will lead me.

[finding_laura]

Great to hear you are doing well Lily. Yes, good to have a line ready for when the thoughts pop up. Hopefully as time goes by they well get less. There can be trigger “dates” though so you may wish to be aware. I can’t remember them all but I remember the 3 months mark can cause urges. I think three weeks is one as well and maybe one month. Sometime times the details elude me! Have you had mood swings or are you pretty even? They can be a symptom of withdrawal. Even though it’s not a substance, it causes our brain to create its own. We still miss it when it’s gone. Enjoy a little reward or down time for your accomplishment. This is a big deal. Hope to see an update again when you have time. Take care,
Laura

[Lily Nix]

Thanks Laura, yes I have had mood swings for sure, and I have not gone more then 3 months without gambling in 8 years, so when the 3 month mark hits I will be extra careful and celebrate the time with something positive! I am feeling good right now and I think the difference this time is ACCEPTANCE that I can not gamble responsible, I have given up the illusion that things will be different and each day does get easier.

My Mantra when a thought comes in my head about going to sit in front of a slot is “let it go and be free” I was never really free sitting in front of a machine, I was a slave to it…sometimes I actually get sick to my stomach when I think about the time and money spent, I am listen to my body this time!

I am grateful for all I have and a site like this to come too with great people like you Laura!

[Lily Nix]

Thanks Laura, yes I have had mood swings for sure, and I have not gone more then 3 months without gambling in 8 years, so when the 3 month mark hits I will be extra careful and celebrate the time with something positive! I am feeling good right now and I think the difference this time is ACCEPTANCE that I can not gamble responsible, I have given up the illusion that things will be different and each day does get easier.

My Mantra when a thought comes in my head about going to sit in front of a slot is “let it go and be free” I was never really free sitting in front of a machine, I was a slave to it…sometimes I actually get sick to my stomach when I think about the time and money spent, I am listen to my body this time!

I am grateful for all I have and a site like this to come too with great people like you Laura!

[finding_laura]

Thanks Lily! Sorry to just be posting now, I’ve been traveling. This site has given me tremendous support over the years and I wish I had managed to absorb more of the wisdom that has been shared here.

I think acceptance is a big thing. It took me a long time to decide that I could never gamble again because of what happens to me. I am a gambling addict. This I now know for sure.

Hope you are still getting along well and coping with the changes.

take care,
Laura

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