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As I slowly try to recover, I am analyzing every aspect of what I have done to myself over the years. I truly enjoyed gambling. But the thought of going so overboard on something you enjoy, that it is best to never do it again doesn’t sit well with me. There was always the excitement, while on the way to play. The anticipation that today will be a good day…. Then the losing starts, and the chase begins. The worst days, and most painful in my opinion are the days we are ahead, and ahead substantially…..and still wind up losing…not just losing, but losing big…
That is where my question lies, why? There will never be a win big enough to make us even. And if there is, lets be honest with ourselves, it will be temporary until we lose it again….A vicious circle of lies that our mind feeds us. I don’t know if I make any sense, because this whole thing doesn’t make sense to me. Thanks GT for being here, because I have begun to look with a much clearer lens at what is behind me, and hope for a good future ahead! -
the excitement and anticipation on the way to play…..
the little skip of my heartbeat as I went rushing out to my car with a wallet full of bills. Heading to the local clubs and pubs to play the video terminals. Those were the days that were going to be good. So lets face it, If i was really trying to win money, I wouldn’t need a small fortune to go gambling. The money is only the means to make the bet. To make the wheel spin or the machine light up. There was a small documentary here about how they work. Lighting up when you win on one line, even though the amount you „won” is less than what you bet is just one of the little tricks the research and developers use to get us hooked and keep us hooked. After all, that is their purpose! To make money off us. Once we are away from the gambling and see what they do to us it’s easier to see the bigger picture. I no long wish I could gamble responsibly because it just doesn’t seem to happen no matter how I try to control it. I was creeping around like a thief gambling behind my husband’s back. That kept me a little under control but what a way to do it. I would rather have my own self respect. And sooner or later I would get caught! Why would I go back to that ? It was good chatting. Have yourself a gamble free night!
Laura -
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Good post Johnny.
When I was in the throes of gambling I always justified my actions by saying „Why not?”
When I ask „why” rationally, I can find many answers, ranging from „I have no idea” to „Well, because I’m a Compulsive Gambler”.
I have many thoughts on why I gambled. I think there is a „control” element there, a „self-destructive”aspect. A sense of „risk”. A feeling of „escape”. A need to „win” (sic!)When I succumbed to „urges” it usually meant my need to gamble was greater than my desire to be free of gambling’s grip.
Greed played a huge part, too.
I lost years trying to figure out why I gambled again and again, despite the torture, the loss, the stress.
What I have learned ( too late, in some ways) is that the „why” doesn’t matter anymore.
As Laura says, we cannot gamble because sooner or later, we will always „get caught”.
For me I really don’t think I have another recovery in me.
The pain of gambling has become greater than the pain gambling seemed to relieve. -
Thanks Laura,
You are right. The gambling machines have been in our bars and restaurants about 3 years. I never played them for the first two because, exactly what you said, they are smoke and mirrors…. They are „penny” machines that allow you to wager $2.00…. When you „win” on a spin, you can win as little as ten cents. But guess what, the bells and whistles go off like you hit a jackpot. On many occasions I would sit there and the person sitting next to me is like „man, you are doing great”….and I am down $hundreds$.
Rigged to take advantage. But it is up to realize that.
Happy holidays -
Good luck controlling the cravings. I can say, at least for myself, that when I hit the two week gamble free mark, my cravings were minimized. And even though I have the same route to work where I pass my old haunts, I look at them with disdain….almost a feeling like a lover that has done you wrong, where you know you could go back, but it is definitely the right thing to stay away!
One day at a time… see you in chat! -
Hi Vera,
Thanks for the reply. I always gambled with the intent to „win” money, I never believed it was for the thrill…..But there were too many times where on the drive home, after I had been up $1000 …and then lost it all back, where my inner dialogue would be „how much was enough” what was I trying to do? If you make a good investment and make 10% in a year, a financial adviser would say you did great…. If you go to a casino with $200 and turn it into $1000, it is a phenomenal return…..A „good gambler” or should I say „not a CG” would say…Hey alright $1000 . I will go home, and come back another day to play again…. I always said „hey, I am here, why not keep going”.
Obviously that thought process is a big part of my reason I spend hours a day on GT.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts… we are all in this together!
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