[kim74]

I am done and I can do this! I have to do this! I will loose everything otherwise.
I want to get angry at it and stay angry.
I know I should have self control but gee it is really hard once you are hooked line and sinker.
Day 1 gamble free for me

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[kim74]

So much for being angry. I have gambled every day since I last posted. Today is my first gamble free day again. I am so down on myself. I feel suffocated by it all. Online slot machines are so available. Wherever my phone is, the temptation is there. I need to stop.

[iamhere]

Hi Kim74,

You can do it. One day at a time. You should download gamban on all your devices. It’ll block all and any gambling sites.

[kim74]

Thank you iamhere.
I have done nothing but gamble so need to start again. I last gambled on Friday – 2 days ago.
I opened up to my partner and family. My partner has left me. I don’t blame him.
I have a family member who I met with today who is going to support me through this. I am so grateful for that.

[kim74]

I installed Gamban but also know how to undo it easily.

[iamhere]

Hi Kim74,

Sorry to hear about your partner. This disease is an ugly one. 2 days is a good start. I know gamban can be removed, but it’s a good reminder to not remove it.

So what’s your plan moving forward?

Just know you can do this

[kim74]

I am working out a plan to repay all of my debts. It will take a couple of years as I can only repay small amounts each week.
I have started listening to podcasts on gambling addiction as well.
Thank you for your support

[iamhere]

I am trying to look at the big picture too, for myself. . A cpl years to pay off debt is a lot better than spending the rest of this life chasing money… thinking that’ll make me happy.

Sounds like you got a plan going. Do you know what triggers your gambling?

For me, it’s been being bored. Which is beyond stupid. So now when I get bored.. I start doing things on the to do list! ??

[kim74]

With me it’s when I sit down on the couch after work and dinner and dishes are out the way. I sit with my phone, catch up on messages, emails. Once that is done I usually go in to the online casinos. It’s ridiculous!!!!
I do need to look at a replacement!
I am a single mum so yeah it may be a bit of boredom for me too. Not having that adult to have a conversation with.
It’s not easy staying away but we can both do this!

[iamhere]

HI kim74!

I have gamban on my devices. I feel like the amount of time it would take me to remove it .. I’d snap out of wanting to gamble. At least one roadblock placed. I’ve been making sure I just dont get bored and tbh not having the time to gamble has made it easier not to.. for now anyways.

How was your day?

[kim74]

Whatever works I say!!!
How long have you not gambled for?
My day was good. Very busy at work which is a good distraction. Still emotionally drained from telling everyone.
How was your day?

[iamhere]

Hmm I think it’s been about 2 ish 3 weeks? I haven’t been counting. I just know I won’t ever do it again. I think I hit a level of true disgust with myself, and complete disappointment. Everytime I even think about gambling I think of all the things I could have done with the money I wasted, and get even more disgusted. Absolutely wild, how gambling the money has no value, but in every day spending id hesitate to buy something I wanted because of the cost. Ridiculous.

Do you feel relieved telling them? It’s easy to gamble in the shadows. It’s a lonely addiction in the sense that no one could know.

Another day down for us both – gamble free!

[kim74]

I know exactly what you mean. The money we spend on gambling seems to have no value at the time we are gambling. It’s like being in a transe.
I am the same. Can spend so much on gambling and then hesitate when buying something I actually need. Ridiculous.
I am glad my secret is out. Although I still carry the shame. I might try working through the GA steps.
Yes another day gamble free. We are awesome!!!! You are doing well!

[iamhere]

Hi kim74!

How has your work been? What was the best thing about it?

Hard to belive this month is half over!!

Another day gamble free ??

[kim74]

Hey!
Not a great day for me yesterday. I gambled. Felt so sick about it this morning.
I need to start recovery again. Can’t believe I did it. Wasn’t even worth it.
How has your weekend been?
Kim

[CraigMac6]

Hi Kim,

Like you, I’ve failed on my quit attempts over and over. One thing I found interesting about your story is you still have your priorities in line. You said you don’t gamble until after dinner, dishes are done. Emails are done. Etc. well honestly, as the addiction gets stronger you’ll soon notice those things won’t get done and all you’ll want to do is gamble. You won’t want to do the dishes. You will put off your work. If we don’t make a decision to quit today, no matter what happens in our life/ day, things will only get worse. It will not get better. I know you can do this. Quit now before it takes complete control of your life because it will.

Craig

[iamhere]

Hi Kim74!

Darn, try not to beat yourself up. Being disappointed is important I find. Was this a site you normally gamble on? Self excluding is a necessity for sure. We have to keep those walls up High.

Maybe next time you get the urge to gamble, come here, and read some posts. It’s a good reminder to stay strong. ??

I hope today was better.

[kim74]

Hi,

I did my first online GA meeting last night. I found this really helpful. Everyone was so nice and welcoming.
I am going to start the reading they provided tonight. It will be a good distraction

[iamhere]

Hi Kim74!

How are you doing?? I just thought I would check-in ??

[kim74]

Hi!!!!!
I am doing ok. I have been doing online GA meetings. It really helps.
Hope you are doing ok too?

[kim818]

Hi

I’m new here. And I clicked on this one as I saw my name and year of birth so I took that as a sign. Heh. I found myself googling ‘winning big at online casino only to lose it all back’ bc once again I had done so tonight. And at first I wasn’t that mad at myself – wasn’t sure why… but it came to me later
But then I did get angry at myself bc I had won and had I waited just couple more hours to cash out (as I had already met my weekly cashout limit there)
Anywho the urge hit and it was on.

I think we self sabotage bc deep down we know what we seek isn’t real. In fact, it’s consuming my time when I could be doing so much more. Spending more time with my sons, keeping a better house , exercising ect
Sometimes when I’m way ahead I feel sad bc that prevents the need to gamble, and thus lessens the would be brain rewards I could be receiving from it.
I thought once … as I was scurrying back to my room to play , away from family and friends – I had an image of heaven- heaven being the notion of providing you with everything you want, paradise ect ect and I imagined myself alone with my favorite slot game , perhaps even hitting big repeatedly – ugh I shuddered at the thought and instantly felt saddened.
I think if we can replace the anger we feel from loosing or losing said winnings – with gratitude in that it can remind ourselves of what’s truly important.
Again as I feel we subconsciously lose even large winnings is that we are self sabotaging in order to find ways to continue that reward activity in the brain or on a deeper level we sense the meaninglessness of gambling/thrill.

[iamhere]

Hi Kim74!

Just me… checking in!
How have the online GA meetings been going?

Any big plans for the weekend?

I hope you’ve been staying strong ?? ??

[ladylou]

Hello, first day on here. Last day gambling .. I hope. I feel like I did so good for a while and stayed away from the damn online gambling addiction of mine. But today iv broke.. iv been so stressed about bills and things bouncing I some how had this great idea that maybe I could turn $20(which turned into $100) into a bigger amount that might just help pay some things off. It’s such a sick cycle.. a bad one at that. Well after I spent that $100 and watched it fade to $0 my insides turned from the inside out.. I quite literally felt and still feel ill. The guilt with not wanting to tell my amazing partner that I slipped up and spent money we did not have.. we share an account so for right now all I can think about is hoping he won’t see the transaction. This guilt feels like the weight of two worlds on my shoulders.. I can add I probably feel 10x worse due to hormones since I am newly pregnant. I am so angry with my self, but yet they say give yourself some grace as this addiction has its teeth in you and your still learning how you can slay it. It’s like wanting to punch yourself in the face and yell at the world around you including your family and friends.. like as if they are the reason you have this problem when you know that isn’t the case but your filled with 10 different emotions at once so that just seems like the thing to do. If I didn’t have a child I think I would quite literally sit in a corner and sulk while I told myself how stupid I am and I’m useless because I can’t beat this.. I know better but I can’t seem to do better. The days I relapse feel like they go by so slow once I have lost what I put in.. it’s like 30days mashed into 8 hours. Ugh what a devastating, disgusting and ridiculous thing I put myself through. Waste of time and money when it could have been time spent with my family and money spent on bills that are due.

I can’t wait for the day I look back on this and can say I made it out.. the day I no longer think about “only putting $20 in”.

Thank you for listening to my vent. My raw emotions of how I am feeling after a relapse that I feel I cannot share with anyone in my life.

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