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I am a problem gambler. I was able to stop gambling for nearly 8 months but recently relapsed. The first time I stopped, my wife discovered that I had some debt and I admitted that it was from gambling. I then told her that over the last few years, I had been gambling and had developed a problem.
I began to see a counselor and was doing good, though I had not been completely honest with my wife about the methods I had used to keep my problem/addiction from her. I used a credit card, which she discovered, but I also used an old bank account and would transfer funds to the account. At the time, I believed that I could control and end my problem/addiction without her knowing the whole truth–my reasons were a combination of me not wanting her to know the disturbing lengths I was willing to go to gamble and I wanted to limit the hurt.
Admitting my problems to a stranger (counselor) was scary, but I managed to do so and saw my counselor for a while. After three months, I stopped going to counseling and was still doing well. This does not mean that I had stopped thinking about gambling–I would still think about it, especially when I would feel anxiety, stress, or would fight with the wife. I was able to refrain from fully indulging in my problem/addiction by actually gambling.
About three months ago, my wife and I made the decision to sell our home and use the equity to pay off all of our debts–student loans, car loan, etc. My wife became a travel nurse and I work out of the home, so it is the perfect opportunity. We both felt that this was the best decision for our future. With that being said, it was hard for each of us in different ways. For me, after living in Utah for 6 years, I finally built a good sized network of friends (none knew about my gambling problem). They might not have realized it, but they really helped me get through a tough period. Knowing that I was leaving them made me feel depressed–I don’t have a lot of support from family, etc, so they made up the bulk of it and really helped me break out of a lull.
It was during this period that I relapsed. I felt powerless and was able to get money into a sportsbook in a matter of minutes–sports are my drug of choice. From there, it began to spiral. I gambled for several weeks before my wife could tell that my behavior was off. She got a hold of my phone and went through my history and realized that I had relapsed. I am not sure if she feels like it was a relapse. I told her that I had managed to not gamble for 8 months, which felt huge to me. I am glad that she discovered and acted on her gut feeling because I would have kept going and going.
I plan on seeing another counselor once our health insurance gets straightened out, which should be in the next week. I am no longer on our bank account and my wife monitors the money that I earn and gives me a little at a time–cash only. My money gets deposited into “our” account and she is going to release funds to me as I need them for things
Since my relapse, I have not had any uncontrollable urges. I have not felt remotely close to reloading. I feel in a strange place in that at the moment I do not feel like an addict or even a problem gambler, but I know that I am in that certain situations have the potential to trigger my urges. I also know that what I am feeling today does not necessarily reflect what I am feeling tomorrow.
I am here because I need ongoing social support, for more experienced people to help me realize where my thinking might be wrong, etc. Outside of my last counselor and wife, I have not shared my problem with anyone.
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A lot of similarities between your and mine story with the difference that I have a girlfriend who I will very likely marry. We need a woman in our life to help us in the battle with gambling addiction. ?? Sports betting is also my drug. I assume since you are from US you prefer to bet on NFL, NBA, baseball and hockey. Actually it does not matter, the gambling addiction is the same for everybody – we can’t stop until we lose everything or huge portion of our money!
You have made the absolute crucial step which is to realize and admit to yourself you have a gambling problem. This is step number 1 towards recovery! Good that your wife knows about your problem. Always inform your closest ones about any addiction, they are going to help you! I’d suggest that you don’t confide in everybody about your addiction: only in people you really trust!
I think you have read my journal since you’ve replied to my post there (and I replied to your reply). In order not to repeat myself I will emphasize the core facts that should help you quit gambling and change how you see gambling:
1) No one gets ahead in life through gambling! Even professional sports bettors (who surely exist) don’t live the life they want to! What is the purpose of the life if you don’t enjoy and you are not happy? What is the life if you are in constant fear or uncertainty whether this month you will earn money, whether you will get paid or not. That’s the gambling lifestyle. People with normal lifestyle work and have a career and get paid every week/month. That’s what I call: security and stability. Gambling offers none of them!
2) Gambling is not fun and does not cause genuine pleasure and enjoyment! Have you find yourself in a situation where you would place a bet just “to have a little flutter” because there is a game in 30 minutes or 1 hour? I have found myself in such spot many times! Addiction makes us do this. Every reasonable person would not work against them, but we gamblers do! We do things that hurt us and we can’t stop!
3) There should be no fear about quitting gambling and no illusions that we are giving up something!!! Quitting gambling means we are getting rid of terrible addiction, we don’t give up anything! Gambling is something we can and should live without, not the other way around! When I was not aware I had a gambling problem, I thought gambling was part of me and who I am. I thought of gambling as something I couldn’t live without. Turned out it was all an illusion! A mental trap that existed only in my head! In a joking manner I will say gambling illusion is one of the biggest illusions that the mankind has pulled off! Everything happens in our brain! We change our brain chemicals when we gamble and our brain is never the same again but this does not mean we have to gamble all our lives! Living happy non-gambling life after being a gambler for years is possible! To quit gambling is possible!
4) Identify what your triggers are and when they happen don’t gamble. Ask yourself honestly, why do you gamble? What causes you to gamble? Is it because of money or because of work stress, personal problems, negative emotions? Do you want more money and do you honestly think you can win that money through gambling? I doubt. We never gamble because of money, money is the drug that runs our gambling activity! When we lose all money we are mad not only because we’ve lost the money but because the gambling session has ended. That’s what pure gambling addiction does to us. When we gamble, money lose their value and all that matters is when is the next game and what we will bet on. Been there, done that, don’t want to be there anymore! Gambling is such a lonely and dark addiction. Ruins the person who gambles most but also all people around the gambler. The gambler is like an epicenter of an earthquake. This is by far the best definition that has come to my mind. The more I write the more inspirational I get. ??
5) Let the past go, accept your losses, see this as one-time experience and life lesson and return back to being a happy non-gambler, the person you used to be before you started gambling.
Money gone through gambling are gone for good and they are never coming back. Theoretically speaking, even if you win them back, will you stop there forever? Extremely little chance. You will keep gambling until you lose it all again + lose more of your money. Every problem gambler including me has been on this dark road. All gambling roads lead to this dead end! Gambling is a vicious cycle, the only way to stop is to break the cycle otherwise it will keep repeating, repeating, repeating… and never end till our life ends. A life wasted on gambling is sadly wasted life. We all have talent to do something amazing in this world. We can all make the money we want to live if not luxury then pretty comfortable. We just gotta get in the right frame of mind and grind all day and night long and the success and money will be here! In gambling you can bust your ass off “working” i.e. gambling 24 hours straight and not receive a cent for this. That’s not something that I’d call normal or something I’d like to happen to me all my life.Simply put: gambling is not the way to go in life! It took me good 13 years to realize this. Regardless how silly may sound, I’m glad I began gambling at very early age because right now I’m in process of getting rid of this addiction before the age of 30. I can’t imagine what damage gambling would have done to me if I got hooked to gambling in my 30s when I will be married and have kids. Unfortunately many people get hooked to gambling in their 30s and 40s and mess up their lives. Should I thank to God that gave me this huge lesson at the right time before it was too late? ??
In conclusion: Brendan, I wish you the absolute best in quitting this horrendous addiction, I hope that you will realize gambling is not worth it. You have a wonderful wife, don’t gamble her away! Don’t gamble away your life! You can watch a TV game and not have a bet on it! You are not missing anything if you don’t bet. You are not missing millions of dollars if you don’t bet. Gambling is an illusion that wants you to think otherwise. An illusion that wants you to think this time it will be different, this time you will hit that big win that will solve all your problems, this time you will be in control and not the addiction. We all know it’s all the opposite of what the gambling illusion wants us to believe!
Stay strong and don’t bet the NFL I know the season is in full effect! ?? Needless to mention how every sport in today’s world is fixed in one way or another which makes the sports betting even more NOT worth it!
All the best,
Problem gambler in recovery -
Thanks for taking the time to respond and as you noted, we have some strong similarities in our problem gambling/addictions.
So far, I have not had any real urges. The key for me is making positive friends and staying busy. So far, so good. I know that my test will come at some point down the road.
Thanks again for the thoughtful post and I can’t argue against anything that you have shared–all excellent and helpful points!
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Still going strong. No real temptations and I have been keeping myself busy.
The one thing that has been the hardest is how distant my spouse has been with me. I can tell that deep down, she does not trust me, and at times it feels like she is just tolerating me being around. Kills me inside, but I feel helpless and hope that time and my being consistent will help repair things.
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Hi Brendan, just want to wish you well on your journey.
You done well to give up before so you can do it again. Your wife sounds a great support to you, even though she is finding it hard to trust you at the moment.
If you work hard at quitting i’m sure you can earn back the trust in time.
I am just starting out on my own journey to quit this addiction and look forward to a future that doesn’t include gambling.
We make life so much harder than it should be when we blow all our money, take out loans, credit cards, late paying bills etc, it’s just more stress, stress, stress.
Stay strong -
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Thank you so much for checking in. My wife and kiddo arrived late last night.
I agree that physical activity is an excellent tool for fighting temptation. Great suggestion! Walking and listening to a podcast sounds meditative.
Hope you are doing well and I will continue to give updates.
One thing that is really strange is there was so much tension between us when she was gone and since she has been home, you would think that things were good between us and then some. Feels real strange to me.
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New day a different twist. New issue is occurring. My wife has told one of her closest friends about my issue. I don’t feel comfortable hanging around her friend because she is not a fan of me, given my problem. Not sure she was that much of a fan before knowing that I had a problem because my wife likes to vent to her.
The issue is that my wife wants me and her to drive 6 hours and spend a lot of time with her friend and her husband. I mentioned that her friend is not the type to keep sensitive information to herself, given her past actions, and that I am confident that she has told her husband about the “new development” and probably has told her family, who we also see.
Not sure how to handle this.
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Hi Brendan. This is one of your wife’s closest friends and part of her own support network. If, hopefully, your relationship continues then it isn’t just your issue, it is something that effects your both. I know my own wife told her mother, did her mum tell anyone else? Not my business really.
If it comes up in conversation when you visit then my best advice would be to say yes, I messed up but now I am using support to address things.
Keep posting and hopefully see you ina group again soon.
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In other news, I meeting with a counselor on Wednesday of next week. Looking forward to it.
Hope you all are doing good and I really appreciate those of you who have offered me a different perspective, advice, and information on resources to check out.
Thank you. Hope everyone has a great, gamble free weekend!
-B
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Brendan, When you are with your wife’s friend and husband, maybe you want to consider bringing up the topic first? Don’t give them the chance to judge you or make assumptions about what caused you to gamble. Tell them how grateful you are knowing that your wife has someone she can trust and talk to while going through this challenging time. Tell them that it means a lot to you that they can be there for her while you are seeking your own support to help you overcome your addiction. If you lay it out on the table first and admit you made some mistakes in the past, it will make it very difficult for them to be critical of you. (Easier said than done. I know how difficult it must be for you to talk about it, let alone be the one to bring it up in conversation)
And if I can offer one piece of advice regarding your counseling sessions…. as a spouse of a compulsive gambler, I can’t tell you the relief I felt when my husband went to his first session. It really showed me how serious he was about turning his life around. After his first few sessions, he came to me and asked if I would be willing to attend his next session with him. I’m still not sure if it was his idea or his counselors, but the fact that he recognized I was hurting too and he wanted to include me on his path to recovery meant more to me than anything. I’m not sure if this is something your wife would be interested in. Just keep it in mind while you go through your counseling.
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Deb,
Thank you for your comment and the positive words.
Would definitely be hard to do that, given the dynamic of this person. I am grateful that my wife is able to vent to her when needed, though she informed me that said friend does not offer much in the way of helpful support when she does vent to her.
As for an update, my life feels like a roller coaster, with the only flat section being that I have not gambled or have felt much temptation to. This does not mean that I don’t think about it, but I feel strong enough to not feed into it.
I was looking forward to going to see the counselor and mentally prepped myself to be an open book with him–this is real hard for me to do. Unfortunately, due to some absolute nonsense, I was unable to make my appointment. Seems like a real nice guy and was understanding.
I am also looking to go back to school and become a physical therapist assistant. One of the happiest times in my life was when I was working as a personal trainer while enrolled in college. I do real good working at an individual level with people and I feel that it is critical that I work outside of the home. Currently, I am the primary caregiver of our two year old and I work online, which has really suffered since the two year old came along. She is a touch cookie and when we don’t stick to the routine, it is mayhem and I have my hands full.
Really looking forward to getting back into school, learning, and working towards a profession that benefits society.
That’s all for right now. I may vent in these posts from time to time, because I truly don’t have someone in my life who I am able to open up to and just talk.
-B
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Hi Brendan_UT, I am glad that your counseling session was a great experience. It is hard for me to open up to anyone about my gambling addiction. Although I have told a few friends and a few family members, these were people whom I knew wouldn’t judge me. I think that is why it is good to be on a site like GT. We know what each other is going through, no judgments. It does help to talk one on one with a professional like you have done. It is a freeing experience. Keep going and stay strong!!!
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I mentioned to him that I have been active on this forum and he said reaffirmed the value of a posting forum because it’s easier for people to open up and be honest. The first time I went and saw a counselor, which was last winter, I struggled and struggled to open up. Took a few sessions to get everything out–wasn’t his fault by any means. Thinking I was not ready for counseling and still had some misconceptions about my ability to beat my GA on my own. Well, the relapse over the summer made me realize that’s not happening.
For those who I have talked with in chat, we found a good vehicle and are picking it up today. Tomorrow we are driving to the Portland, OR area to visit my family and my wife’s friends.
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Just a quick update. No relapse. Been staying extremely busy. A new stressful situation is about to present itself, as we are nearing the time when we move to a new state for 3 months. That means seeing a new counselor, which I am bummed about. I’ve had two counselors and though I hadn’t realized it at the time, we didn’t connect as well as I have been with my current counselor. Again, bummed about restarting with a new counselor.
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quick update: navigated through the “stressful” move which ended up not being too bad. Now that there’s a little distance between my relapse, it is interesting to look at some of my earlier posts and the thoughts behind them. Makes me realize how much of a cloud problem gambling creates in our ability to see things clearly.
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Hey Brendan,
Glad to hear the move is going better than you thought it would. I’ll be hoping you find a good counselor in the meantime. I’m on day 15 and starting to feel a little better. I like coming onto this site and writing to you guys whenever I have urges to gamble. It seems to help. I also try to watch a funny movie or tv show if I get down. Dealing with my back is definitely a trigger to gamble. I have a bunch of triggers that make me want to gamble that I’ve realized.
It’s going to be long ride to save back money and to get my back healed up. People have said that the journey of life is the funnest part. Not the finish line. I’m going to keep going on my journey with my head up. 2016 was an amazing year for me had I not gambled away my life. I went to so many cool places and met so many new people. It’s was a great year, but gambling somehow wants me to forget that part and just focus on the money I lost and what a failure I am.
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Thank you!
I know there are many ways to stay in the clear. Some that have helped me to be mentally stronger are getting back into fitness–sharper mind and body, as silly as it might sound, I’ve been doing cold showers and there’s many well-known benefits, which include mental strength, and being more social, which touches on one of the reasons I fell into the pit in the first place. Still have work to do.
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