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Hey eveybody I just decided to join this today. Have never used anything Like this before so I will just break down my story. I have been gambling for 10 years on and off since I was 18, as soon as I became legal to enter the casino in my city. I am 28 now. My gambling is on and off. I had stopped for about 6 years and when my ex gf and I took a trip to Las Vegas in 2014 it came out again. I knew going there was a bad idea but i went anyways, I left her in the hotel one day and gambled all day and all night long , maxed out a 5000$ credit card and didn’t even have money to pay for my baggage on the way back, back in 2014 5000$ was a lot of money to me And I was devistated as it put me in credit card debt. she was super ashamed and worried of me and saw I had a problem. When I got back to my city I went right back to the casino and started Gambling more all week, I had lost another 4-5000$ and when I went into work my manager saw I was distraught , she asked what’s wrong and I opened up to her. She and I went to the casino that day and banned myself for 5 years. Self ban until year 2020. I felt relieved yet still ashamed and self hatred as I was in a bunch of debt. Fast forward to 2017 my ex and I went to Las Vegas again for our anniversary and I had been gamble free for nearly 3 years. It came out of me again there but It wasn’t in large amounts tis time, won 700$ first day, lost it all the third day plus a few hundred of my Own. Still felt that feeling of pain of a loss i guess because it had been years since gambling. So I get back to my city and of course I can’t gamlbe here because I am banned. Fast forward to 2018 my gf and I break up and I blow through 40k of savings I have worked so hard to save not from gambling but I travel and go party as a single guy now after 5 years and start thinking I’m a millionaire because I have some savings. I take nearly a year off and now I have a beard, so I think maybe they won’t recognize me. Surely i try my luck and I get in, I win 1000$ and I stop for a couple of weeks. Then the worst things happens, my friend invites Me to vegas for labour day weekend. I tell myself don’t go you will gamble there but I go Anyways. first night I break even , second night I win 3500, lose it all the same night, third day I go in a hole lose around 5000, fourth and last day I win 10k, super happy I have to catch my flight in a few hours have 10k in my pocket My trip is payed for and I have some priofits, my friend says let me hold your money you will go lose it i know it. I don’t listen to him and I go lose the 10k in 30 minutes of roulette, feel like complete scum again. So I get back home what do I do I go to the casino which I am banned from, and it spiral out of control, they don’t recognize me with my beard, I start going everyday. Skippping class to gamble, stop working out, lying to family and friends . I became numb to it. I used to get upset When I lost 500$, and fast forward to playing 500-1000$ hands of blackjack or spins of roulette. So I would go in and win 1000-5000$ per trip, then I would lose that much the next day or more , I was going up, down, down. Up. The wins kept me going back. So I tracked all of my gains and losses. One day I lost 15000 and I was devistated, I was gambling with my line of credit. I had to keep chasing and I got it down to -5000 a couple times, and then I stopped for 2 weeks. My sister and family was really proud of me. After 2 weeks I got the urge again and I went one night and won 1200$, I left because I said I don’t wanna feel that feeling of giving it all back. I went back couple days later and won 1500, again I left and went next day won 1600, then again 2 days later won 5000$. I was on cloud 9. I finally got back that 15000$ loss with a bit of profit, and I was so proud I told myself you did It. You got it back ! Now don’t go again , use this as a lesson that you got your money back, have savings again and not a lot of people are able to get back a loss. So few days go by until Saturday night i get off work and I have the urge to go back. Tell myself have a bankroll management , you’ve done well this week . Take a bit if profits once you’re up. Well.. you all know what happens next, I never went up. I lost 6000 in less than 30 minutes, waited until midnight till I caj withdraw more . Took another 2000 climbed back up to 4000 so minus 2500’on the day, should have walked. Got greedy lost it all so 8000 on the day. In less than one hour. Walked out so ashamed as always self hate beating myself up how can I do this. I had gotten my loss back and was so proud and I gave it all back again. Of course woke up in the am took another 1000$ and climbed up a bit just to lose it all. Finally went up to the front of the casino I had enough I told the guy listen I am banned right now and I’ve won and lost over 50k this month I need you guys to re take pics of me within my beard because I am supposed to be banned right now. They did. I feel now a weights lifted off my shoulders but I am so ashamed how bad it got, how much money I’ve won and lost, how I will never see the $ again and how hard it will be to save all what I’ve lost working. I became numb. Insensitive . I wasnt even excited when I was winning anymore , the value of a dollar was gone. 1000$ hands of blackjack , like I was a millionaire. I am now starting from scratch financially but all I can think is at least I am not in debt. But still really hard to swallow what ive done this past month . My family is devistateD, my friends don’t understand my addiction . I guess I just needed to get my story off my chest. With hopes there is others who can relate to this. Maybe I needed to lose it all and re ban myself , because if I had kept winning, I would have kept gambling. And know I would just give it all back eventually. ?? thanks for listening.
-Stephen
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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I have just relapsed the day after I have banned myself
Chasing my loss at the other casino in my city. Lost 2000
In an hour and walked out of there feeling numb. Officially now have 0$ to my name. Really in a bad place now have no
Motivation to go to school , or workout, feel like I don’t have anything to say to anyone when they ask how I am doing. My life has been turned upside down in the past month with this addiction. I now gambled on my line of credit today. I hope I can fight this before it’s too late. -
Gambling is a hidden illness like no other addiction!!! Having read your life story of compulsive gambling, I understand you & feel for you!!! Word by Word of your writing was painful to read, but I am on the same track as you. I really really wish if the world had no gambling issues!!! because Nobody can understand it unless they are made to gamble all their own money within hours!!!
While we are all suffering, the gambling venues, bookies, online platforms are becoming wealthy and taking exotic holidays from the gambling funds earned via the most vulnerable people. This is my Day 1 & I have decided I can no longer gamble or else I may die in a painful death…. Who cares? apart from compulsive gamblers, Nobody will give a flying bat! The future for compulsive gamblers is very very dark
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I hear you completely dignetas80. I am going to self ban from the only other casino here right now. My best friend is taking me. I told him I Am going back in the morning to try to win back my losses and he offered to drive me to self ban. I need to do this for my sanity, I am self destructing and am so depressed from what I’ve done. I can’t even try to talk to women now because I have no money to take them on a date. Can’t enjoy fun times with friends or go out because I’ve blown through so much savings due to my illness. My addiction beat me. It took over my life. I really hope this is the
End of the battle. I can’t live a life like this of self hatred. I’ve lost my divinity , my sense of life, my happiness, the value of a dollar. Thanks for listening to my story ahd I hope someone reading this can overcome their addiction because its too late. -
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Hey man I’m new to here too just posted the other day. I have huge swings like u mentioned but when I win big I never leave. I was up 30k one night off $500 and freaking gave it all back! I just got peeled the other night for 10gs. So I definitely feel your pain. The best thing I can say is it’s good you banned yourself and also the fact your 28 and want to stop now. I’m 36 and have been like this since 19 I just have a good job to luckily support it. If you stop now you will have plenty of time to rebound, I have been to negative and dug out many times. Keep your head up and thanks for posting and know your not the only one that does crazy bets and doesn’t walk.
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Thanks man I have just banned myself from all casinos in Ontario indefinitely for life. I can apply to be unbanned afternoon one year but hopefully never have to come to that. I really feel like I can get my mental health back
Now as painful as this last month has been with the sickening swings . I know if I continued I would have probably maxed out my line of credit and credit card because I’m a full time student and only working part time. Everything I lost was savings I have worked so hard for since I was young. All gone now. I’m happy that I have no debt at least and I stopped it before it got to that point. I feel for you bro. I have ran it up to 15-20k with my last 500$ with magical
Shoes.. leave there feeling like a king.. just to give it all back Days later. I realize.. the more we win, the more money we have to gamble.. and more time we spend gambling.. like zombies .. numb. I am happy I did this and I appreciate your support. Hang in there man. I hope it gets better for both of us . -
thanks for reaching out bro I appreciate it . We all have the same mentiality we think of those magical shoes where we get so many blackjacks, all our doubles and splits work for us and so we think it’ll be like that again. Trust me this weekend when I lost over 10k I was never up once, not even incense did i have a a good shoe. It’s a sign I had to stop this for good. I hope I can over this loss and look back at it as a memory later on in life. I hope we both can beat this man. I really do. WE need to get out lives back.
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Found out today a surgery I thought was going to be
Covered under ohip and now had to put 4000$ on my credit card to pay for it. Really keep getting hit this week.
Never thought of things I could do with the money I have just lost. That Money could have really come in hand right now. We never realize it until it’s gone and we need it for something important . I was so tempted today after I got this news to get a prepaid credit card for 500 and play online blackjack. I never played online before.. I know this is a terrible idea. I didn’t do it. -
PLEASE do not gamble online. In March 2015, a member here mentioned, innocently, that “a ￡4 online bet “won” a 4 figure sum” I’m a seasoned casino gambler. Had no idea how to “play” online but I thought “I could do that ” and lost a very large sum of money in a short time. I thought my 15 year habit of gambling/losing (a 6 figure sum) in land based casinos was bad but that experience almost destroyed me. What saved me? Three members here on GT really came to my rescue. One suggested I should “make a plan” and start saving. I stuck to that plan. Saved all my money back. Plus a bit extra, then last April , after 27 G free months, the effluent hit the air conditioning and I have been withdrawing money to gamble in the casino. I would NEVER try my luck online again. It wiped me out. Take a fool’s advice and put a blocker on your devices before the second thought enters your mind. You have enough on your plate without adding to the misery. As I write, I am gazing at 2 bills -large ones, and saying “Why did I need to bring all this stress back into my life” MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE to gamble, Murr. It will ruin you.
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Thanks for your reply . It’s been a tough three days. I think it comes in waves. When I keep hearing classmates talk about their upcoming travels for winter break or what they have bought with their savings. I love to travel and always have . I was planning a trip for my upcoming birthday in December but now it has been cancelled because of my gambling addiction leaving me in debt. I am trying to be greatful for the small things like my
Family, my health, and couple close friends. I know I will make the money back but I keep beating myself up for the fact that’s I got all of it back and then lost it all again in a matter of a couple hours. I don’t know why it keeps replaying in my head like a true gambler keep asking myself why didn’t you take your advice of having better bankroll management why didn’t you walk when up why couldn’t
You have switched tables when th shoe was cold like you always have before. Why why why. I need to accept the money is gone and that this is 3 days gamble free. It’s been tough with exam week and I’m trying to focus on the important
Things and tell myself it’s just money . I will earn it again the hard way… thanks for the support guys I truly have the urge to gamble but banning myself was the first step and I hope I will get over my losses from the weekend. -
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thanks a bunch I appreciate it . I know as the days go on I will get in a better state of mind. It’s just tough right now. Had to get my old job back and will take me half a year just to make
back what i lost in 2 days. It just sickens me how I lost the value of a dollar and how hard it is to earn. I know it is an illness and I start counselling next week. Just keep having the urge to chase my loss. Sucks
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Hi
I get a lot of what you have been saying. Good move to get counselling and ban yourself.
I have done and it helps for sure. You can talk about reasons that make you want to gamble and get your feelings out there. It’s obviously not like taking a car to the garage, where you are going to come out “fixed” quickly, it will take time and everybody will be different.
It’s something I should have done years ago.
Like you I get urges that come in waves. I can feel positive that I can stop, that things can turn around and that in time everything can be so much better.
Then I get times that I feel really bad and think about all the times I could have stopped. Maybe another go might win some money back and I would feel better.
I come on here when I feel like that, read back through my own post and look at other posts, to remind me that gambling just causes us more misery and pain.
Keep trying to look forwards.
I have done quite a bit of rock climbing in my time, though not lately as I have been too consumed by all this.
I liken it now to looking at a cliff face. There are two possible routes up.
One is hard, beyond our ability but we keep trying and keep falling off, we think it is the quickest way up, we want to try and prove ourselves in some way. On this route we have also hit the ground and hurt ourselves many times.
The other route is more straightforward, lots of attainable moves, there are even some bolts we can clip onto for support. Maybe it is more boring but it still leads to the top.
I finally have realised which route I need to take!
Take care buddy -
i appreciate the kind words marke. I feel the same way. I actually felt so great last week when I broke even finally after 60 days.. reset, don’t be stupid this time, within half hour I’m playing high limits with 500-1000 per hand it’s like i never listen to my own advice. The addiction takes over.. been a hard week but I’m almost 1 week gamble free. I just keep telling myself why I couldn’t have just stopped when I got even.. because it’s never Enough.. its just hard now being in debt because of this. But glad I am learning this at 28. I know in a year I will look back at This as an expensive mistake and hopefully be gamble free still. I guess more so the money lost is my self respect and sense of well being, I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two months, but I know time heals all. “This too shall pass”.i liked your analogy of the rock climb . I will join you on the second route . can never lose money by working hard and slowly gaining … I refuse to have my life be consumed by these demons. I will beat this one day at a time, save dollar after dollar through hard work and slowly get my mental health and life back.
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Don’t know why today can’t stop thinking of my losses
I want to gamble so bad it’s killing me
I am trying to be strong I know the magnitudes of my losses are small compared to some but being broke is
A very tough feeling knowing
I am now in debt I guess it’s iust bothering me so bad
That’s I won it all back and lose
It all again I’m hating myself for this why couldn’t I just stop and have some savings I guess cuz it’s never enough
I got greedy and I have to move on.. everyday is a battle for me -
How r u doing?
We have to just simply accept the money we lost has gone. Over five years for me, like Vera it is well over six figures. Gone, stop, accept, move on. Sounds simple. But getting that whirling gambling brain to stop isn’t simple at first. But it does get better the longer time we have clocked up since the last bet. Life can get better. Are you getting any support? -
hello things are ok thanks for asking. I haven’t gambled since November 20. I actually snuck back into the casino and won all of my money back that I lost in the past 2 months, I left. I went back this previous Thursday like a true gambler saying ok I am back even agaib (for this recent binge) I’ll never be even from the 50-70k I’ve lost in my 10 year addiction. When I snuck back in again this Thursday before I can place my first bet of blackjack , two security gurds approach me and ask if I am banned, I tried to lie and say no but then I cracked and admitted I am banned. They re took pictures of me once again. Now I cannot go back, the security guard made a joke at me saying at least I am leaving with money for once. I am very greatful to have won my money back that I recently lost, after winning and losing it several times, I’ve realized I’m not happier than when I didn’t have it, that’s what makes me realize I wasnt even addicted to the money, more the rush of gamblinG. I have now enrolled in counselling and feel a bit more secure with a little savings in my bank account. I hope everyone has the courage to stop this disease, you see even after I broke even again, I went back thinking I can win more, I am happy they kicked me out this time, or the cycle would viciously continue. now I have not gambled since the 20. And Day by day I slowly lose the urge. happy holidays to all, thanks for checking in. God bless
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Hi Murr,
Well done on excluding from those casinos.
What other barriers could you put in place? I expect your family could help you with finacial accountability/making you less able to access funds to gamble with.
How have you been filling your non gambling time? Don’t “just” sit there not gambling, plan and fill your time and thoughts with other healthier activities.
Keep posting.
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Hey guys, haven’t posted in a month or so. Things are great now. I am
Working part time again, just finished my second last
Semester of school, and most importantly haven’t gambled
In 40 days. Gosh it seems like
It was so bad that I never thought I could stop. There is
Hope guys. I have no urge anymore, I stay busy with work and school, and am in the gym again 6 days a week. I know as a cg the. Addiction will be there for life as I have stopped for years before and relapsed again multiple times, but this is the longest I’ve been since my recent binge. Happy Holodaus to all you . Keep on keeping on and fighting the good fight -
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I relapsed last night. Everyone was going to the casino
For New Year’s Eve and I joined thinking I could control
Myself and not gamble. I ended up drinking and losing just over 3k. I feel like garbage today. I do not miss this feeling at all. So ashamed of myself for putting myself back in this situation. -
Sorry Murr!! I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I could control it. The only way we can control it is to stay as far away from anything or place that gambling is involved. “ If we feed the monster we will get eaten.” Don’t beat yourself up!!! And do whatever it takes not to chase your loss it will only turn out worse.
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You managed over 40 days of not gambling, you can manage 40 more, then 40 more until it is 400, 4000 more …
Don’t let this setback pull you off-track. As has been said, don’t chase your losses, focus on the positive that you did stop for over a month and you can do that again and again. Know that being with friends who are likely to go to a casino is a trigger – find other friends? I know that sounds harsh, but ask any smoker and they will say being around other people that smoke is too difficult. Your recovery comes first. Is drink a trigger? You know what you need to do. Be strong, get support and don’t let this put you off. You can do this.
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I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I kept replaying
My night of my relapse over and over. And like a true gambler
I kept saying , “if I had put 50$ on that side bet I would have won 50k” like a true Cg it’s like saying if I had picked the right lottery ticket at the right gas station I would be a millionaire. I’m happy that I relapsed in a sense I know I have not hreaten this addiction and it makes me really not want to place a bet or step foot near a casino again. I am working again now so I will be able to make the money back in a month or so, so sad thinking that is money I lost within minutes will take me months to make back. I cannot wait to go 12 months gamble feee, I have done it before and I will do it again. I love a life without any gambling. Gambling has ruined my mental health and I will beat this demon one day. I am in control of the wheel called life. Good luck to all and a happy new year. A happy gamble free new year. Let’s all crush this ! -
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What sometimes helps me to stay off gambling is to look at my problem like an allergy rather than an addiction. There is no shame about an allergy. People talk freely about them, in fact it is GOOD to tell people that I have a peanut allergy so don’t pass the packet to me. Like gambling, an allergy can threaten your life. Like an allergy it can be managed but not cured. Life is great if you stay away from peanuts / casinos / fruit machines … Live a life without gambling – it is possible and for those of us with this problem necessary. Go well.
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Day 5 gamble free. I WILL GO 2019 GAMBLE FREE 365 DAYS.
A gamble free life is a happy life. Gambling is a disease and we will all beat it one day because our minds are stronger than the flip of a card/ spin of a wheel/ whatever your poison is. I tell myself this loss was small compared to some of my previous binges, but hurt the most due to being g free for over 40 days. I cannot wait to tell all of you in 2020 how I have gone 365 days gamble free, and how much $ I have managed to save in 12 months, and how much my mental health has changed. I am saying this because I am putting it out to the universe . I WILL NOT GAMBLE THIS YEAR. God bless you all. -
Day 10 gamble free. Looking at the positives, my heath is good, my family, my education, my job, food to eat, a home to live In. Have to stay busy and focus on being greatful. Do not miss gambling for one second. I guess what makes me the most upset is the day I relapsed I didn’t even have the urge to gamble, I just went with my friends for New Years to party, I realize you cannot put a cg In a casino when he’s drunk, his addiction will always take over. God bless all of you
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I liked – “Looking at the positives, my heath is good, my family, my education, my job, food to eat, a home to live In. ”
I spoke to a friend of mine a few weeks before Christmas and she told me the same sort of thing. She also told me she had a headache. That headache turned out to be the beginnings of a stroke and I went to see her in hospital yesterday. She found it hard to talk to me to articulate words -but I could make out that she really hated being in hospital all over Christmas and New year – but then she survived a stroke and she is still smiling. If she can do that, I am sure we can survive this addiction. Keep strong.
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It’s so true, without our Heath, what do we have, I’ll never forget I was sick for 8 weeks, and it was during my 40 days gamble binge, I went for blood work and labs, and I got a call
In from the doctor saying I need to come in ASAP. I was worried for my life, thought I was dying. The night before I had lost 8k in about an hour gambling, and when I got that phone call, the money meant nothing anymore, luckily I was fine but it just goes to show money is minimal in this world without our health. I pray for your friend and I pray we beat his disease , one day at a time. All the best for the New Years. Keep in touch ! -
I was over at a Friends place last night and her roommate and her friend were going to the casino . He was telling me stories of hitting big and oh man was it tough for me to hear, I really want to go gamble today .. the urges are really strong today. I know I can’t do this to myself ??
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It is tough when other friends talk about gambling. Maybe they don’t have a problem with it. Maybe they do, but that is for them to sort out, you just need to stick to your own recovery. If you are getting urges, talk to someone. If thst is not possible, do something to take your mind off gambling. I am working on ” doing what needs to be done” which in my case is all the jobs I am putting off!
Keep going with this … Good to hear from you again.
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Thanks for the support guys it truly means more than you know. This is such a battle
Of the mind, from all the times I came home after a big win, rethinking I can go do it again:( . Staying busy today and positive , I am in control of this addiction. I appreciate you all here, thank you . -
Day 15 gamble free. Had a close call last night and almost drove to the casino cuz I was close by and I was going to try to sneak in(have a self ban) immediately thought of that feeling of walking out of there after losing 3 months of hard work ina less than an hour. Felt sick and turned around. Not worth it. I can, I will. This is my motto to quit gambling. I CAN . I WILL!!
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I’m day 31 gamble free today. Let me tell
You it hasn’t been easy. I had a dream I gambled
Last night and I woke up with a strong urge.
I drove near the casino and even though I was banned
I thought of a way I could disguise and sneak in.
I turned around. I don’t want to feel the Pain of losing
Hard earned money, I never want to feel that pain again.
I guess finances aren’t the greatest right now and I think
Of those times I ran the chips up to 20 thousand bucks ina. Couple of hours. I reminisce on those days, but know it was not real because I lost it all. I will always be a gambler till the day I die, I want to keep going strong, new month and will continue my streak, here’s to a better gamble free life. Day 32. Cheers -
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One month gf is a real achievement. Also well done for not giving into temptation. Gambling is a cruel addiction because we see a way out of our financial problems with the big win. But that means gambling again which we cannot do.
Albert Einstein is widely credited with saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” – I think I was mad to considering gambling as the answer. Without gambling life day to day is so much better – I wish you well.
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Hey guys. Been a bit. I haven’t gambled since December 31,2018. That makes it around 70 days g free. Until today. I really wanted to gamble, badly. I grabbed 1000 and headed to the casino, I knew In my head I shouldn’t go, but I drove there anyways, even though I am self banned. I knew they had my license plate # so I was going to park at the lot next door and walk over, it’s almost like I wanted to get stopped at the door because I parked in the casino lot. I walked up to the door and security approached me right away, saying I can’t come in. Have 8 more months left of my 5 year ban. It felt good in a sense because I still have the 1000$ and it saved me fro the painful days of losing thousands… I could have thanked the security for doing me a favour. Went out for some dinnner with some friends after … continuing my gamble free journey, man it’s hard sometimes .. miss those big wins..:( ?? but I j is there is no winner in a compulsive gambler.. and I’m really happy I didn’t start the evil cycle all over again… hope everyone is doing well. Keep fighting those demons.
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I wonder what would have happened if you had been allowed in? Testing the ban is not a good idea – as no doubt you know. Was there a trigger for you to do this – if so, try and eliminate that trigger so that you are not tempted again.
Don’t think about the big wins – because you know that they will only give you the ammunition you need to gamble with. Look at whether you need to be able to “grab 1000” or whether you can put things in place that will make it impossible for you to get hold of that sort of money at short notice.
Good that you didn’t gamble and are still posting here. I wish you well.
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has been my downfall on many, many occasions. If you didn’t have access to money, what would have become of the want to gamble badly? We know what would have happened if you had gained entry…when the thousand was “invested” and after hours of stress you MAY have hit a jackpot . Then the bells would begin to roar in the security office telling them “Don’t pay this guy. He is banned”. So you would be walking back to the parking lot feeling utterly miserable.
WELL DONE ON 70 G free days. Better than posting “Day 1 …AGAIN”
Most likely you wouldn’t be posting here today If you are like me the CG in you would find another casino and continue to relieve the urge at enomorous expense to your finances and mental/physical health.
Is gambling worth that?
I would say not!
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Your words are greatly appreciated. It has been a struggle to stay away and I’m glad I didn’t wake up with regret, self loathing, maxing out credit and debit, starting from day 1. I feel because I’m in school and part time work money is coming in slower and I’m trying to find the Quick fix to pay off debts and have money to travel and enjoy life. But there is no winner with gambling , those big wins will just be lost eventually and a lot more of our own money, pride, mental health . Day 72. Cannot wait till day 365. Thanks for the support guys, means a lot.
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Hey Murr,
I’ve been browsing these forums but have never posted yet. I just read your entire thread going back to November and wanted to thank you for sharing your journey with us. I have been struggling so much on this roller coaster of compulsive gambling and I really related to how you describe the damage to your mental health when you were in the throes of it. That’s where I am right now, and it’s KILLING me. I feel worthless, useless, damaged. I hate that I am weak this way and wish I was someone else. On the other hand I realize that kind of thinking will get me nowhere, and I need to accept that I have a compulsive nature, I was born this way but it can be managed. And also that it doesn’t make me a horrible person, just flawed, as I suppose everyone is in some way or another.
Anyway I hope you are doing well and that you can give an update on your journey, even if you’ve had some setbacks. Thanks again for sharing!
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thank you for reaching out. I hadn’t gambled since Dec 31 2018, until yesterday. 4 days ago my gambler friend told me there is a way to get into the casino if you’re banned. Just park across the street so they don’t see your licence plate number when you drive in; Surely I tested It yesterday and it worked. I took 1000$ and sat at high limits blackjack. Seeing the same faces I used to see everyday, miserable, sad, distraught and empty. I climbed from 1000 down to 200$ , then back to 1000, then up to 2100. 1100$ profit wasn’t enough for me to walk with, because it’s never enough. I kept playing for another 2 hours and lost the 1100 profit, 1000 I brought , and pulled another 1000 off my debit and lost that too, lucky I had reached my limit for the day to withdraw. I walked out of there feeling that Samw feeling I never wanted to feel again. Angry, sad, numb, empty, desensitized. I had to cover A 2500$ bill I had to pay yesterday so my goal was to win 2500, that’s why 1100 wasn’t enough, I ended up losing that plus 2k if mine, now had to pay the bill so it worked against what I went to do. Why didn’t I Walk? Because winning 1000 was like a penny compared to the 10-20 I would win when I was in this life deep. I needed to feel that big win, and it never came, instead I felt the sorrow, self hate, self loathing, and self destruction that I never wanted to feel again. Now I realize I have to attend GA. My asdicrion is not cured at all, I went right back firing huge hands when I said I would have better willpower and know when to walk. I came clean to my gf that I relapsed, she is very supportive and will get me the help I need. I need to get rid of this for good. It has been over 100 days g free. No urge. But also no mechanisms obviously if something happened where I was having the urge to go, because I failed. Day 1 now, and seeking the help I need to get rid of this disease. i am a student and money isn’t coming in as fast as I want so I tried to get the easy fix of trying to pay off some bills but it never works out in the end. I hope you can find the courage to stop also, reach Out anytime and I will help as best I can. I want ya all to overcome this demon, gamble free life is the onlt life I want to live. This is my day 1, wish me luck. Thank you
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Thanks for posting again. You said ” I went right back firing huge hands when I said I would have better willpower and know when to walk.”
That was my addiction in a nutshell – I am POWERLESS over gambling – I don’t have the will power and there is no point in my testing it. Okay occasionally in the past I have walked away when I was up and felt good about myself for a few days or weeks even … but it doesn’t last. Whenever I went back I would eventually lose and usually lose heavily.
You are experiencing what I experienced. As I think I have said before, the only answer is to put the effort into recovery that is put into our gambling. Good that you have come clean to your girlfriend. Are you ready (and is she willing) for her to handle your finances, because you seem to have very easy access to money. When you go to GA – can she go to GAMANON as well – so that she knows how it is to be with a gambler. She will get the support SHE needs to be with you.
You completed over 100 days gamble free which is no mean feat. Feel proud of that and build on it next time. Put barriers in place – bar yourself from the places where you might gamble. Get as much help and advice from GA and from the forums and groups here. Keep posting and I hope you are gf for good.
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thanks steev I appreciate it. I know I have no control over this and unfortunately as crumby as I feel, I am no stranger to this type of feeling and that’s loss is very minute compared to previous lossss, but they all hit you in similar ways. It feels worse because I went the longest I have in years. It’s a new start with a new mind set, and now seeking professional help to bury this forever I hope. God bless
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Hi Murr
Every minute you thought you were winning, you were losing. Make this loss the biggest win of all – a gamble-free life – it’s within your grasp. You have the support of your girlfriend and you have a period without gambling to look back on so you know you can do it. I know you can do it or I wouldn’t be writing to you.
Testing your addiction is not accepting that you have one but this slip can make you stronger if you allow it – I will look forward to following your thread.
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Ok guys it is with a lot of self hated and guilt as I am writing this. Very numb. Very desensitized. I relapsed today. I had the day off work and took 3k to play blackjack. I played for 2 hours and lost the 3k. I then called my bank and increase my limit to 6k. I took another 3k and lost that in 1 hour. I then drove back home 45 min away and went to the bank to withdrawal another 4k. Worst that 6k was off my line of credit. I climbed out and got my losses to 2500 on the day, you guess what happened next? I lost it all again. I lost 10 grand today. In roughly 6 hours. Putting me into debt. I don’t really know how to feel. Except for a big ******* loser. Sorry to vent, rant, I need help. Major help. My whole world is falling apart in one day just because of my addiction, all the work and months to make that, all gone in 5 hours. What a life. The life of a cg. I am so embarrassed
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Update I reached out to my ex who was very supportive of me and always wanted me to get help she is taking me to ga tomrorow for the first Time I’ve never been. Very nice girl for still being there for me after a nasty break up. Worst part of this is all I can think about it trying to get that 10k back
Tomorrow. I’ve been in the hole for lot larger amounts and climbed out but I know it’s terrible of me to think this way. Today was a testament that I chased and lost it all once again. I need to go to ga tomrorow and it’s a step in the right direction but I’m sick in the head and can only think of getting my Money back. What a mess -
Im really sorry for youre relapse, i lost more in my last relapse and now i know for sure no metter how much i will win at first i eventualy give it all back+more of my money,WE SIMPLY CANNOT KEEP THE MONEY
I hope you will keep strong , the only way for us is to be strong and save our money, Gambling is an illness the only cure is to let it go and never gamble again
God bless us all
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I have read through your thread and am reading the same story over and over. You feel great when you dont and horrible when you do. How do you feel while your doing it? Is your heart racing when you place your bet? Does it skip a beat when you see the card/number / symbol come up? Do you feel elation when the result is a win? I am a slot junky. Literally. I am an addict. I cant stand casinos longer than an hour or so ( too many people and too much noise) so I play online. Bad idea. But my point is the feeling you get when you are gambling. I get such a high when I get the three bonus symbols. It’s the greatest feeling. I dream of them. I hear the music that they play in the bonus rounds in my sleep. Its that that is hard to kick. I’ve grown numb to the amount in my account while I play. A larger amount just means that I can play longer. I even play on sites where I know it will be impossible to cash out due to deposit and withdrawal restrictions. It’s not the money. Its sounds like it is the same for you. I wish that I could be one of the people that goes in and wins a bit and leaves up. I seem to be very lucky and win frequently. The problem is that I cant seem to leave until its all gone. All of it. And I need to have maxed out all of my withdrawal methods at my bank too. I am chasing a feeling. Seems you are too and that’s why you go back. You aren’t chasing the money because you feel the regret of losing. You want back the feeling of winning. If you never leave with anything then there are no winnings to chase. Deal with this the same way you would a substance addiction because if you are dealing with a biochemical response then you need to deal with it in the same way they deal with alcohol or drug addiction. Your brain is releasing happy chemicals when you play and win.You are addicted to that happy chemical. You cannot do it a little. It just will not happen. If you go then you will lose. Period. Dont let yourself be fooled into thinking that you will ever win. Find out what your triggers are. Avoid them. Cut off your financial support. No more credit cards for me. Restrict your line of credit to a manageable amount. Put money earned into a savings account that you cant access with your bank card. Make it hard until you feel you really have it under control. If you were an alcoholic I’m sure you wouldn’t work in a bar and have access to alcohol all of the time an quit successfully. People suffer from all kinds of addiction. Look up the stats. Dont feel defeated. Find the strength that others too must find to dig themselves out and get on with living. Stop regretting the past because that’s keeping gambling in your mind all of the time. Free yourself and start living again.
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So sorry Murr! I feel your pain. I have done the same too many times to *****. You had lots of clean time. Be proud of that. I know oh to well the feeling of wanting to stop yet wanting to get our money back at the same time. Forget about the money. It’s gone. I know “easy for me to say”. When I look back I have turned from debt free to a relapse that cost 1000.00, than thousands, than tens of thousands chasing the original 1000, than time away from gambling to clean up the mess only to repeat the cycle!! Do not be embarrassed you have a sickness just like so many of us here. You can and will get past this. Try to forget about it yet remember it the next time you want to gamble. If that makes any sense. I am glad you came right back and your x is taking you to GA. You are in my thoughts and prayers and you can and will beat this.
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When is any amount enough? Put forward ￡700 eventually built that up to ￡6300. Withdrew ￡5k and then played the ￡1300 to end up ‘winning’ ￡4600. Calculated all my losses from the beginning of April 2019 to 5th May 2019. Yes!!! Up by ￡4000 so I won!!!! W ended up losing ￡4600 plus another 14,000 from my savings in less than 20 minutes. Upped the stakes, got greedy. The lion bit a chunk out of me…
My point is… 1k 2k 3 k 50k jackpot mega jackpot is never enough. We end up going for more, risking more. I counted out my money pot today. Money my husband put in mostly from his business. Extra bits here and there for us to save. I gambled ￡500* a spin online yet counting that money reminded me of the hard work we’d both put in to save around ￡67,000 before April 2019. Why was I not content. My greed led me to suffer the losses
Hubby reminded me last night that “… those wins were not for you. That was someone else’s money, someone else’s disappointment, Someone else’s loss. That money would never have stayed with you. That is dirty money and would never bring you any happiness. Accept what happened and let it make you stronger and more determined to earn in an honest way…”
I said ‘amen’ 100% right in my mind.
I had flashback earlier to the 17 year old me. Walking 1hour to college in the morning and back again in the evening to save ￡1.40 bus fare. At first it was for chips in the canteen but I ended up saving that money to almost ￡35. Was so happy as my parents never introduced to the idea of pocket money for children. My father was extremely stingy.
Then flashback to me at 18 years. First salary of ￡714 pm. Father takes the lot. This went on for 2.5 years. Silver lining was that he bought our five bedroom family home in my name using some of my wages. A property I still have a share of today. Thank you dad. You taught me well with many things and I will remember those values from now onwards.
My children will hopefully value honestly earned money as you did.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feelings. Helps me grow as a person each day.
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Thanks for all your support guys, unfortunately I am very ill and went back to chase this morning. I lost another 4k off my line of credit. I now lost 14k in 24 hours. It’s all
Been a blur. And worst part was I am banned, they keep letting me
In. She even came up to me today and asked for I’d because they need to see identification if you spent 10 k in 24 hours. I showed my Id hoping they see it and say I am banned. Nothing. She fills out a form and asks me what I do for work. Then gives me my Id back and i proceed to lose the rest of my money. Starting to think that they know I’m banned but want to see
Me lose because I bet big. My first ga meeting is tonight, I have 0 money in my name. 10k owed on line of credit. 500$ in my bank account. Turn 30 this year. I am really low and even after reading all of your support this morning, I still went back to chase. And I feel totally ashamed of myself and feel you guys don’t trust my words because you try to help me all
The time and I don’t listen because of my
Addiction. I’m sorry for letting everyone down, my friends, family, forums, and worst , myself. I really hope things change after my meeting tonight. I need my life back. -
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Your story is every gambling addicts story, more or less. It’s no longer about the money, it’s about the rush it gives you. The sooner you accept that the money is gone, and realize that any money you make from gambling is dirty money that will only prolong your gambling, the better of you are.
I can understand your predicament and I understand why it is so hard to just STOP. Over the course of many years, your brain has been rewired to function differently from the non-addicts. Addiction messes up your reward system so that It’s hard to find pleasure in anything (unless it’s gambling). It also affects your decision-making skills, which is why we often give into urges and make consistently unhealthy choices in our lives. Addiction has messed up your brain and how it works, but fortunately, it can be rewired – it’s gonna take a long while, but this should be your long-term goal.
So, I would advise you to forget about the money, don’t beat yourself up, get back on the horse, do some research on addiction and how it affects the brain, and commit your life to stay gamble-free while working on solutions to fix the potentially biggest asset of your life – your brain.
I wish you the best of luck my friend, and remember there is always help to get from this forum ??
– Chris
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My ex was supposed to take my last night, but she had to work. I wish I had went alone. But I didn’t, and went to gamble again. I am going to the meeting tonight. I read all of your words of encouragement. And still my disease take so ovwr me . Now I think it’s at the bottom, no more money left to gamble. Down 17k since Monday. Chasing a 3k loss. Credit line is maxed out. Chequing is over draft. And credit card has cash advance, I am numb. I don’t know how to feel except I’ve lost every penny in my name, and am in debt. I’ve lost the down payment for my condo. I will need to find a new job. And it all happened to fast. It’s like a nightmare, I know it’s small compared to some . But it was all I had, and didn’t have. Now will
Be owing the bank interest. For a while. I will get help, u have to. This is my rock bottom. Maybe I needed to feel this. Absolutely no more funds to play, sorry. I am so numb . Hard to go on with life right now -
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Was very eye opening and very supportive. I was the youngest there besides one other, most have been gamble free for years, one person 20 years clean. I want that to be me. They told me they wish they had started to come when they were my age. (29) they would have saved so much money, hurt , mental and physical and financial damage. They are so supportive and gave me all their numbers, told me to come every week, there is one meeting every night and I’m going to attend two per week. They said don’t think you
Come here and you will beat this. This is something you have to do for life, forever, you will always be a cg. You can beat this with support but you really need to want it. I really want it bad this time, after hitting rock bottom, only way to go is up. Another meeting tomorrow at 7 pm. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks guys for listening to my story. -
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Hey my friend. I just read your entire post history and I know how you felt in every stage of the way cause I’ve experienced it too.
I lost about 15,000 within the past 2 weeks and I just lost 3k about 2 hours ago. I was gamble free for 10 days, but relapsed.
So we shall start at Day 1 together. Let’s beat this addiction together
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I get it. When I’m relapsing the only thing that can make me stop again is when I hit rock bottom when I literally have no more money and can’t get access to anymore. This is, of course, unfortunate for us, but you hit it and maybe this will make you even more open to recovery. Honestly, the biggest help for me in staying gambling free is my weekly GA meeting. So, I’m really glad and proud of you that you went there. And as they said to your meeting, GA is for life. For most people, we’ve got to go to GA meetings for life because we will always be compulsive gamblers. I didn’t like that fact at first, but I’m coming to terms with it, and I’m sure you will too.
I wish you all the best on your recovery!
– Chris
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Just returned from my second meeting. I’m going to try to attend two per week. They really help
Me to open up and to hear other people’s stories. This disease has no end, and it shows me that I will end up losing everything if I don’t stop now. Most of the people in my life don’t understand cg so it’s nice to be around others with the same mind and disease, likea. Family all wanting to get better . I highly recommend GA to any cg, two meetings have really changed my mind set. I’m starting to cope with my loss, and just want to get to the root of my addiction. I’m also looking into a 19 day rehab centre for cg. If the meetings don’t work, I will ask to go. I want to beat this ?? -
So lost still, feel like so depressed, sad, lost financially, job hours got cut. Debt, it’s so hard to smile and have conversations with friends and co workers, my performance is gone this week, don’t want to workout, eat healthy. Man I’m letting. My mind beat me so bad here, I’m so strong usually and have such good will power, I feel defeated. Ya the meetings help, but still hard to go on.. I know it’s not even that much money compared tk some, but it’s the feeling of disgust for putting myself through this again for the 100th time. Man.. it’s craxy how gambling can ruin your life and happiness in just 3 days.. we’ll 3 days this time, 10 years it’s ruined mine. Every relapse has been worse than the last, this one hurt the most though. Because every time I lost before, I still had savings. This time I blew through every penny and tapped into maxing our my line of credit and over draft , what a mess. I’m feeling like such a losrr
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I know how you feel Murr! I have felt that way several times throughout my life. It will get better with time. It always does.. that is when we really have to put our guard up. This crazy addiction really screws up our thinking and when we feel better we think we can gamble just a little, be more careful, quit when we are ahead…. than the next thing you know we are on the chase…. I do empathize with you. I have been praying. Try not to beat yourself up. All you have to do is get through today. Ask God for his help to comfort and guide you. He will.
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thanks Jen. I don’t lnow; this one hurts Bad. How did u left it get so out of control. Like from 3k which is so bad already, to let it go to 18k down . I lost all logic and all value of a dollar, I blew months Of work in 10 hours . Never once did I stop tk think to cut my losses, I had to try to break even, and got so bad into a hole. Not once did I say this isn’t a good idea. I’m so lost because it was like I was in a trance. It’s all blurry, and I was sober. It’s still like I want to rewind time. It’s like a bad dream, my peers and family keep saying it’s just monet and I can get it back. But it’s the hurt, sadness, depression, helplessness that is really getting me, I feel sick most of the day, so ashamed. How did it happen again, sorry to vent, it’s just hard .
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Murr, I really can empathize. I remember several nightmares along the way. I have some very similar stories. Years ago chasing a 300.00 loss and in the course of a few days lost close to what you did. I know how it feels to lose control and wonder “how the hell did that just happened” I know the shame and embarrassment that comes after.. I think we all do on some level or another. Try and remember you can’t go back in time, but you can try not to let it happen again. Our brains have been hi- jacked by this addiction so we have to work as hard on not gambling as we do chasing. You will feel better. It’s just going to take some time. Concentrate on what you do have vs what you lost. Think about what life will be like in a month, two, three without gambling. It can only get better… I am 18 years or so older than you and I wish I could of crushed this addiction when I was only 30… Again the only thing you have to do is get through today try and find the good in it.
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thank you for your support . It means a lot. I’m trying to forget about it and move on. I am trying to stay positive. I kjkw through hard work I can get these losses back in a few months if I work hard and save. But in the moment I am torn. Today is day 3 no gambling. I’m gonna go to GA twice again this week. I need to really put an end to this or when I save my money again, I’m going to relapse. I know it
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Maybe give some of your money to someone to hold on to and tell them not to give back under any circumstances?? The last few relapses I had were devastating emotionally but not nearly as bad financially because I give my other half most of my extra money etc. I also pay my bills and than some right away. I have dug in and out more times than you can imagine. That’s the thing about feeling better, when we feel better we think “it will be different” it never is. Is their CR where you are from (Celebrate Recovery) or Smart Recovery?? You might want to try one of those. Both help with all kinds of addictions & or behaviors
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Maybe give some of your money to someone to hold on to and tell them not to give back under any circumstances?? The last few relapses I had were devastating emotionally but not nearly as bad financially because I give my other half most of my extra money etc. I also pay my bills and than some right away. I have dug in and out more times than you can imagine. That’s the thing about feeling better, when we feel better we think “it will be different” it never is. Is their CR where you are from (Celebrate Recovery) or Smart Recovery?? You might want to try one of those. Both help with all kinds of addictions & or behaviors
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Maybe give some of your money to someone to hold on to and tell them not to give back under any circumstances?? The last few relapses I had were devastating emotionally but not nearly as bad financially because I give my other half most of my extra money etc. I also pay my bills and than some right away. I have dug in and out more times than you can imagine. That’s the thing about feeling better, when we feel better we think “it will be different” it never is. Is their CR where you are from (Celebrate Recovery) or Smart Recovery?? You might want to try one of those. Both help with all kinds of addictions & or behaviors
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Maybe give some of your money to someone to hold on to and tell them not to give back under any circumstances?? The last few relapses I had were devastating emotionally but not nearly as bad financially because I give my other half most of my extra money etc. I also pay my bills and than some right away. I have dug in and out more times than you can imagine. That’s the thing about feeling better, when we feel better we think “it will be different” it never is. Is their CR where you are from (Celebrate Recovery) or Smart Recovery?? You might want to try one of those. Both help with all kinds of addictions & or behaviors
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that’s a good ideA. When I start saving again. Maybe i
wkll give my family
my
money to hold. I never want to feel this way again. I know once I make the money back. I can look back on this as an expensive lesson. I need to find the root and beat this before that though, or else the same thing will
happne again. That’s the scary part . Is this 18k feels like it was just 100$ .. it’s so weird I’m desensitized. Until I think of how much it really is and what’s I could have done with it. I lost my down payment for my place, vacation , i hear people talk about trips and buying
things , experiencing life, and here’s I am could have done so much, gave it to the govmt. Pissed it all away in hours. It’s devastatinf when I think of this. Sorry my typing is bad, I’m on
my phone. Thanks for listening. I can’t wait to go back
to ga this week, to start saving, and to live a gamble free life again. It’s funnt I was reading my posts above from before the new year, saying how I have been doing so well and so happy to have quit, then losing 2000 on New Years, I would have laughed if you told me fast forward to 4 months and I would lose everything in my name, again. Wow
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I know you are having a hard time right now and so it is perhaps not the right time to say this … but I was alerted by just one word in your last post – “Maybe.”
You said, “When I start saving again. Maybe i wkll give my family my money to hold.” And that one little word “maybe” sums up for me what it is like to be a compulsive gambler. Because “maybe” gives me room to manoeuvre – “maybe” gives me the opportunity to wriggle and squirm and wheedle my way out of a committment. I know how hard it is to let go of the tools for gambling – money and access, but you have experienced in a devastating way what can happen if we continue to make it easy to get hold of both. I think I have said enough …
I started with GA when I was 31. It took me about 10 years to stay stopped … that seems a long time but the good news is that each time I “slipped” I did less damage than the time before. I always came back – I tried to learn from the slips, what my triggers are and what barriers I needed to put in place. I am now (more or less) 20 years gambling free – so it can be done. I am less than one year debt free though.
What I hear through your post is the frustration of not being able to chase your losses – please don’t, don’t make things worse than they already are. For a start get rid of that “maybe.” I wish you well.
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thanks Steev you are completely right. I guess because I’ve alwahs climbed out of the hole before, and this time I didn’t. It just got deeper and deeper. It’s day 4 gamble free and it feels like I’ve just lost it all today. Before it would get easier as days went on, this one is staying fresh and consumes my brain every minute of the day because of the magnitude of it I guess. Its just like a bad dream for me i keep beating myself up asking myself why. looking forward to GA this week. I really need to fix myself .
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Day 5 gamble free. It’s been a really hard week. But I’m kind of feeling a bit better today. I am applying for better jobs all day today. If I save for about 2 months, and attend GA weekly, I can recover my losses, and fix the root of my problem, that was my issue before. I never fixed the root. So when I saved Il again, I would relapse. I just want my old life back before gambling . Working hard to save, it’s a rewarding feeling having things you’ve worked hard for, not bet on the flip of a card or a ball spinning around. Wheel. I finally felt the wrath of this addiction when it wiped me clean of all finances and left me in a hole of debt, so the time is now, when I have nothing left, is the best time to rebuild, it’s a test of the mind.. who will win. I will not let this beat me, today Is my day 5. And I will get through this day gamble free. Thanks guys
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when I first experienced by big loss, it was around ￡4000-￡6000. Just finished my teacher training and moved to Paris. My ex boyfriend knew nothing about it. I won ￡14000 following three bets in the space a 2 weeks and I thought I was onto something good. Initiall, I signed up for the gambling site and deposited ￡20-30 as part of a cask back deal. I would be paid an extra ￡50 for just doing that. I randomly placed a bet on a monopoly game and won big. WOW I thought. Quick money and I felt lucky. Then played online whilst new in Paris and “won” ￡5000 twice. Of course I lost it all plus ￡4000-￡6000 on my overdraft.
Something clicked in my head to let go. I was good at putting myself in check back then. “You win some you lose some…lesson learnt…never again!” I said. It was just money and I never looked back. Did not consider myself a CG at all. Just acceptEd I was stupid and that gambling was a lie.
I never thought about it again but then I’d never played slots then either.
this time seems a lot harder to accept and leave behind. I, like you, find it extremely difficult to accept my losses and that it could happen to me. Someone who has always done well academically and is always in the green financially. Since having my daughter, the amount I spend on things has reduced drastically, despite having a relatively healthy bank balance.
my husband always commended me for being so good with our finances. In spite of being placed on That plinth (by him), I came clean about my recent massive losses. He was angry but forgave me. He still gives me ￡400 in cash per week, rent he gets weekly from his bureau de change unit in his store. This is his way of showing me the trust is still there so long as I don’t break it again.
I have slipped over the past two days playing free spins and gambling small amounts but I don’t intend to do it again. No losses but I will not heal if this continues
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Very touching read.
Steev hits the nail on the head perfectly. He explains when he relapsed he did not lose as much as he did the time before and he eventually stopped altogether.
My story is different, I have never been a compulsive gambler and so don’t know how bad it is. But from reading your posts it sounds like a right problem to beat.
But at the end of the day, we are all here because of similar stories and that’s horrid losses. I may be wrong, but I doubt you get winning players who sign up to this site. That tells you everything you want to know. There are no winning players. All of us have lost and all of us admit we have a problem.
I decided I needed help after playing the slots for over 40 years. How I’m beating my addiction is to write about how I feel when I have the urge. Writing a journal is definitely helping me and the odd time I have had the urge, I just simply open up my journal on here, or the other journal that’s a bit more personal on my iPad. I believe WillPower is my answer and I know the worst is yet to come. Mind you I’m now 1 month and 5 days slot free and no meetings in sight. I decided the best way to help myself was to tell everyone that I was addicted to slot machines and had been for 41 years. I told everyone I spoke to and I also told them I was in the process of stopping by letting them know how long it had been since my last slot machine play. It’s working for me because I feel I’m not just letting myself down but everyone I told to. So I have the added pressure not to fail.
So think about writing or starting a journal and write about it daily if you want. Anything to stop that urge. Will power and writing are what’s stopping me from falling back into my habit.
Don’t think I have no problems either so it’s easier. I lost my daughter 8 months ago tomorrow along with my in laws in the past 13 months to. I’m classed as 40% disabled after a routine back op went wrong leaving me living with severe Chronic Back Pain which I am heavily medicated. Top that off with losing my mum and fighting to keep my special needs brother out of the care system along with fighting with the courts for mums house so my special needs brother can remain in the house. How I do not fall back into my addiction every day is literally a miracle. I have a shit load to deal with on a daily basis and if I can still be slot machine free during all the above, then I believe in you and everyone on this forum. You MUST fight and if you think you are going to relapse, open this post and think to yourself, if Plaza can stop under that enormous pressure, then I certainly can try harder. That goes to everyone who reads this. 41 year addiction combined with 41 years of depression and if I can stop then there’s no excuse for anyone else, I mean that.
Good luck with your journey my friend, I wish you all the luck in the world.Plaza
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Thanks for all of your replies. Support, and help with this guys. I haven’t gambled in 9 days, its been really hard. I moved in with two of my best friends and it’s helping being around them when I’m feeling at my lowest. They told me if they find out I gambled again, they’re kicking me out of the house. This alone really makes me not want to mess up. I’ve been to three GA meetings. And I have an apt on Monday for another gambling treatment program. It’s really hard because I keep thinking about how I let it get to losing every penny in my name. I keep asking myself why couldn’t I stop at a couple of thousand.. why did I have to lsoe half a year salary in 48 hours.
Why couldn’t I think of the pain gambling has caused me in the past, why did I never think of that before I relapsed. It just boggles my mind how last week was a blur… I had no self control, I lost all value of a dollar , I completely lost my mind in the midst of it all.. it saddens me. I keep saying it’s jusr money, but hearing people speak of vacations, buying things, even going out to dinner and party… makes me think I cannot do these things now because of the financial mess I put myself in , in just a couple of days because of this sickness. Now I have to rebuild. I am applying for jobs now, trying to stay busy, trying to workout and eat healthy, while really trying to keep my mind off my loss.. some days I want to just go try to win it back, because I have before, countless times I’ve been down and climbed out.. except this time I see it doesn’t always happen, this time I see it can wipe you clean of all savings, and put you in debt, chasing that -3k.. took me to -18k in 48 hours.. I never thought I could take it there. And I know, 18k.. it’s jusr 18k.. people have lost millions, but this is all I had, and part of it was the banks… it’s just stressful because it’s my own doing, I wish I could have. Stopped. I wish I could go back.. but what can I do now, stay positive, stay busy, work hard, and think of this feeling the next time I want to try to get rich off the flip of a card. Imagine.. I just wanted more money .. for what, being greedy cost me going into a hole and wiping me clean, it’s a dark place I never want to go to again. I have told many people what happened, some say I should keep it to myself, but I am an open book. I can’t
Hide things. Also I feel now that a lot of people know, I don’t want to let everyone down by relapsing, especially my mom and dad and sister, seeing them cry , because of my illness.. I went to make them proud, I want to make myself proud, I want to beat this , save, get my life back, and never look back. I want to use this as a lesson . The final lesson of my gambling addiction that wiped me clean of every penny in my name. I hope everyone can get through this, and I am grateful for another day gamble free. Every day I try to accept my loss and move on, until tomrorow. God bless you all -
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Thanks for the support again, it’s been a very hard two weeks, moved in with two friends, realizing
How hard and expensive live is by myself now. Had to purchase a new bed – 3k. Went to birthday celebration with friend- 1k. Rent 550$. Food, about 300. Trying to
Enjoy life, while putting all this on my visa. I am looking for new job now, I owe about 10k on line of credit, maxed out. Owe 7k on visa. Have trip to visit my sister for a weekend, will cost about 500-100. I can’t stop living but I need to be smarter with finances. It just so hard, after losing 18k.. I wish I had realized how much I could have used that $ to pay for all
This stuff.. I know it’s going to come back once I get my
Job
Going and paycheques start coming In.. 4k a month can’t be debt free in 4-5months. That seems like
Nothing, I am 29. By 30 I can have savings again. I never want to go through this pain again, this addiction, this sickness. It killled me .. it took everything from me in 48 hours. But I know, I can rebuild as I am only 29. I need to beat this and never look back. This is day 15. It gets better as days go on, but I think about my loss everyday still, just my mental
State is a bit
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hi Meghna thank you for reaching out. Day 23 G free. Time flies right? I’ve never been religious but I do believe in spirituality and good things coming to those who are going through hard times. For years I have been personal training but never focused 100% on it, since my gambling relapse Nd graduating college I have focused on growing my business and in 1 week just througg networking I have gained 3 extra clients. it’s cool because i Work for Myself, I met with my mentor and he is helping me with marketing and trying to help me get even more clients, my point is with growinf my business I am chipping away at my debt, and helping people get in shape and gain confidence. I’m making great money the right way, not watching a ball spin around a wheel or a card flip hoping it’s a face card with my ace. I still think about my losesss sometimes during the day and get upset the amount I lost, but I’ve got good people in my corner and in no time I will have 0 debt again and can start saving, working hard, growing my business, and never stepping foot in that evil place again, to me, those people are criminals. Knowing I have a self ban, checking my ID, and still allowing me to keep losing thousands of dollars. It’s sickening. I hope your journey is going well, and I appreciate you being there for me, through my dark days. Here’s to almost one month gamble free. I know we can all do this. Cheers and much love to all
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MurrS7 you already sound so much better after 23 days. It is clear that focusing your time and energy on your work, health and business has put things into perspective for you. Congratulations on finding new clients. I wish that your business goes from strength to strength. You sound so much stronger and focused and your energy and efforts will surely lead to good results.
I understand about the regret and falling into the thoughts of past losses. Not a day that goes by that I don’t think of what I did on the 9th May. Sometimes wishing I was back there and somehow stopping myself at the point I had lost all control. But gambling controls us, we do not control gambling (Allen Carr) and I wish I had known then what I know now. The odds were against me and it was foolish to think that gambling was a source of income.
I am ashamed to admit that have gambled since that day. Again and again and have reached a point where my much smaller bank balance will not allow me to gamble anymore (my husband would kill me if he finds a lower balance than the one I am at now) The dangers of chasing losses and digging oneself into a bigger hole of numbness and pain. I guess the casinos know that the pattern of loss and ‘gain’ will only make a person repeat the behaviour to restore what they previously had. Though the insidiousness of the repeated losses (as we do only end up losing more and more) makes them all the more cruel and heartless.
I am at a point now where I have had enough. I spent today accounting for my losses and calculating my future wages and extra income here and there. I can get back to where I was by December and I plan to never look back. I am blocked on all the sites I used and both my bank cards are now with my husband. I have emptied one bank account (the one I used to fund the online casinos) and have only 140 pounds for the odd purchase. Barriers are my only way of surviving this destructive habit.
I booked a holiday to Naples on the 24th June for a week with my family and then a day trip to Paris with my friend (my former home) on 31st July. I am planning to treat myself to a Chanel handbag to stop myself from giving that money to the casinos. Hey what is 1000 pounds compared to 2-6k in one game session! Scary to imagine and hard to admit. I am also looking for tickets to New York and Forida for xmas and new year with my in-laws. I guess making plans and looking forward to things is helping me focus less on the online casinos. It also allows me to begin to value the money I previously just threw at the slots (in my case between 500-600 a spin).
I felt optimistic today and more in control of my finances. I felt guilt free paying for my holidays and relieved that the casinos wouldn’t get a penny of that money.
MurrS7 you are still young and have so much time to get back what they took from you. One day we will both look back with a healthier bank balance and more earning potential and it will seem like a distant memory. We will never look back or give it any brain space. We are better than that. We deserve better
Well done for getting to 25 days GF. I am confident there are many many more of those to come.
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Dignetas80 please keep us posted on how things are with you.
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thank you for the message. I relapsed yesterdsy and feel awful. I got back from a weekend which I spent too much money I didn’t have, and I figure I go try to win it back. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I won.. I won the money back I spent, and I was super happy. You know what’s happened next, I think I can go back today and win more. I do win more, 1000$ in 15 minutes of bj. My mind says leave. My cf says stay. I stay and lose it, all 1000, plus the 2500 from yesterday. Plus another 1500 of credit. I feel sick. I feel like I knew u shouldn’t have stayed, I did. I know I should keep going to GA. I thought I was good again. I feel so ashamed. I feel likke such a loser. Worst part I haven’t told anyone. I used to tell my sister and parents, but my parents gave me $ to bail me out of some debt from gambling, and I went and blew it ongambling. I feel like throwing up. I can’t do this anymore. It’s so meased up. I can’t believe im writing this again. Sorry guys. let everyone down, myself, my friends and family, everyone here. I am a loser
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I have been in your position so many times and am still in that positon. I have bet so many games over the past 12 years and that has transitioned to scratch offs, slot machines, and anything gambling related. I live off of guilt of knowing what I have done that all I want to do is win it back and stop. It will never happen. I have great support around me but so many people (family and friends) dont understand like others do. It’s hard to hold that guilt inside and go along like we have an “ordinary” life when really we feel so much pain and anger and can’t express our feelings without the feeling of being judged. I support you in your recovery because I know how hard it is to conquer. As soon as we can accept the fact we will never see that money again and we need to go earn it back and cut our losses, then we can start progressing. That is what I am having a hard time trying to accept and it sounds like you are as well. We can move past this problem with proper support and the right mentality. You got this!
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Hi
I feel for you as I have found myself in the same cycle of win win and then losing a lot more. To be honest what I lose is my peace of mind and my dignity
murr you have done so well so far and please don’t lose hope. Trust that you have the power to overcome this. When we log onto a gambling website we open ourselves up to the risk of losing and losing big (in our cases) you and I both gamble big so the chance of us losing a lot is greater.
gambling controls us Murr, we are not in control when we chose to gamble. Let’s not keep throwing ourselves in the way of fire.
i believe in you murr. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you to build. Let’s not give these online sites our time or energy
I think your trigger is spendin. You spend a lot and then want to get it back again as fast as you spent it. Perhaps try to budget. Spend what you can afford and start saving. It will grow i promise
gambling is is not an intelligent or safe way of getting money
it will leave you with pain, sleepless nights, guilt, anxiety and debt
i relapsed recently too murr and lost ￡3,990. I’m about to go on holiday and now have to carry this weight with me. It wasn’t worth it. It was a terrible choice I made.
today is my day 3 GF. We can stop this murr. We can. Have faith and begin your new life without gamblinG.
we have fallen again and again. But we will beat This !
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thank you meghna. It’s hard, this is so overpowering for me and It took control of my life so bad. I’ve quit drugs before, alcohol, I’n so disciplined in the gym, with my diet, and this seems to be out of my control. I went to gamble this morning and I brought 1000. I was just trying to chase as always, it’s sick. I lost half of it before a security guard finally came up asked to see my id.. wow… -20k later they finally came and asked to see my id. He says sir you’re banned. I said yes thank you , I wish you would have recognized me -20k ago, it’s almost like they waited for me to lose everything for them to say something to me. Told them their secuirt system is a joke, whats the point of a Ban? Ok on one hand I’m glad he did recognize me today. Now I know I’m yellow listed, i can’t. Get in now. It just sucks now I have debt but I know it will get easier as time goes on. I hate this feeling, I feel so ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point,
how? It’s like I went into a trance. blackout mode and just lost all logic. Money had no value, now
i see it’s value when I look at the 10k I owe on like kf
credit, and 6k I Owe in visa.. with barely any in savings. This will be a long hard road ahead.. I appreciate your support and I hope we can beat this together… I really do .. I want my life back:(
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Murr. You are in control when you are not gambling, you are. You are making the wrong choices by gambling . You need to find barriers. I finally restricted myself properly and now I can’t get online to deposit money. I have never visited a land based casinos.
to be honest it isn’t their fault at all that they are allowing you. It is in your hands to find restrictions. It really is our responsibility murr.
Please dont be be so hard on yourself. Take your recovery seriously and place lots of restrictions to aid you.I believe in you murr. Believe in yourself, remember your self-control with other things.
I’ve probably lost near to ￡30,000 now but I still believe I am capabme of stopping if I put my mind a all my energy to it
good luck and keep posting
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i hope this is the final straw for me, now knowing they know who I am at that casino makes me know I can’t try tk get back in. Time to start saving, working hard, paying off debt the right way. This will be hard, but I can’t wait to look back and think of it as an expensive lesson. Since September I have lost and. Won roughly 70k. at one point I was +20k I felt in top of the world lol, and that’s not even lot of $. Now I’ve given all of that back plus Lots of my own.. so shameful.. they want us to win so we go back… give winnifns back plus all of our hard earned money. That place is sick… I am disgusted. Thank you for your support, truly it means a lot.. more than you know.
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i hope this is the final straw for me, now knowing they know who I am at that casino makes me know I can’t try tk get back in. Time to start saving, working hard, paying off debt the right way. This will be hard, but I can’t wait to look back and think of it as an expensive lesson. Since September I have lost and. Won roughly 70k. at one point I was +20k I felt in top of the world lol, and that’s not even lot of $. Now I’ve given all of that back plus Lots of my own.. so shameful.. they want us to win so we go back… give winnifns back plus all of our hard earned money. That place is sick… I am disgusted. Thank you for your support, truly it means a lot.. more than toy know.
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Murr I read this story from start to finish and it gave me strength and self belief. I thought it might help you too. Please follow through his journey as you will find a lot of common ground and most importantly ways to beat this problem. It gives us hope!!!
Submitted by Jonny123987 on Mon, 10/31/2016 – 15:40
Can’t Believe I Did This to MyselfI’m 41 years old. I have lost everything AGAIN. I’ve been trying to quit gambling for years. I’ve been gambling since I was 18. I have made some money but mainly lose it. I’ve moved up the ranks at work and finally started making some decent money. I always thought I gambled to make more money and not because I had a problem. As soon as the bigger money started to roll in the bets became bigger. I needed nicer things. I could offset spending with gambling winnings. For a few years I never won or lost more then 3-5 grand. I was always back and forth with that figure. Up 3 grand, down three grand. My bank account started to grow and I had over 60 grand. Then all of a sudden I lost 25 grand in 2 nights. and I was sick. I flipped out and lost my job. I then proceeded to gamble another 30 grand or so in the next month. A month laater I found myself with about 10 grand and in need of a job. I went to gamblers anonymous and realized I need to stop. I did for a few months. I moved to New York for my new job and was loving life. Al of a sudden I started gambling again. Not even sure why. I lost everything in a week. Then had to be homeless for a couple months and saved everything I could and quit gambling for about 4 months. Then I just had another relapse about a month ago and lost everything plus 10k in credit card debt which is pretty much all my credit. I have a check from work sitting here and it seems like nothing compared to what I just lost. I know I have to quit again. But the feeling of despair is frightening and I just don’t know how to accept that I let down everyone and myself again and have nothing and just feel down right horrible. I need to exclude myself from everywhere. Make sure to get gamble blocks in place on my computer and phone and go to meetings again. I know I can’t win the money back even though I have a plan. My plan always gets ruined because I’m a compulsive gambler.
Gees. I can’t believe I did this to myself! -
Thank you steev and meghna. It’s been hard, been beating myself up so bad , why didn’t I walk, why did I get greedy, I keep replaying it in my head. You. Know when you make the same
Mistake 100 times. It’s so hard and I feel
So stupid. Especially being in this debt. Realistically I know I can pay it off within 4-5 months, if I really
Try. But it’s the fact I relapsed and I feel
So Ashamed. I feel so stupid, like such a worthless loser, I can’t believe my parents bailed me out and gave me money to pay off some debt, and I went to gamble again, they would cry if they knew what I did. I hope this is it for me. Knowing that I got caught finally at that casino. They know who
I am now, brings a sense of relief, I just wish. They caught me before I lost every penny to my name. It just doesn’t make sense to me that they caught me
Now. Anyways. Just venting, worst feeling ever. I have to be grateful for my health, my friends and family, and a chance to make the money back, but better yet be gambling free. It’s going to be a hard road. But I just focus, I must stay strong. We must stay strong
Together, I will keep posting. I appreciate you guys so much, for being there for me, through this rain and darkness. -
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i read what you posted about his story. it sounds too familiar it can be about any of of us, I feel that exact story is like many of us here. Once we think we beat it, we think we can go back and be smarter, yet it takes control of our life and we fail once again. I will try to be strong
this time. I have seriously had enough of this shit.
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I read some but not all of it. I will read The whole thing today . I want to be gamble free so bad, I reallt want it this runwZ it’s day 2 today. A bit easier than it was yesterday. I must focus on the good, and make money the right waY. I really need to get out of this debt, I will be a lot less stressed. Thank you for checking in, it really means a lot. How are you doing? Are you feeling a little better? when is your trip? You must be excited. I also have A trip to Miami in 12 days, I guess that’s why I’m stressing a little too… but I booked it months ago… I feel I shouldn’t go, but I also can’t stop living my life because of my gambling problem, I feel money can always be made back. evenutalky I will payy off my debt, but I must keep enjoying life and memories, it’s really all we have in the end. I can’t wait for us to look back and be 12 months, 24 months, gamble free.. we can do this, I know we can.
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Go on holiDay murr but try to remember your budget and remember that overspending is A trigger for you
im doing good thanks and can actually say that I am taking my recovery as seriously as gambling. i will checkin everyday here to record my progress.
Be kind to yourself murr. Don’t put yourself down or rewind. They are usually triggers for me.
you are alive. You woke up this mornin. That’s enough to be thankful for. Enjoy your travels and remind yourself that you are healthy and capable of earning that money back.
Our loved ones are depending on us. We have to be well for ourselves and theM.That circle of guilt and chasing is not sustainable. It won’t last.
lets look forwards. Onwards and upward!!!
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Hi Murr, amounts are all relative of course but from what you ahve posted you appear to have had access to more money that you needed to. Ceratinly more money than it is safe for a compulsive gambler to have access to, particularly in the early days. How can you limit that access and be accountable for it?
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I should have never had access to line of credit, worst part I had an rrsp and tfsa. I had 10k in each of those that supposed to not be able to touch. All I had to do was call
my bank and easily transfer the money out and in to my chquing. gambled that away. Funny I never thought my addiction would gamble with the banks money. It was always my own, or the casinos. it goes to show how much of a bottomless pit this really is. I used to read stories of people gambling with credit and I would think how can someone Do that. I could never do that. Well look at me
now. I am what I read and never understood. It drives me crazy if I think about it too much. Well now
as soon I pay off the 10k line of credit, I’m closing it down. I also called the bank and told them I am a cg. Decrease my daily withdraw limit. my anger and frustration comes inwaves. I really just can’t believe what I’ve done to my life, sabotaged it from my own Decisions to step foot in that hell hole for the 599th time. Every relapse being worse than the one before. The problem now is I don’t know the value of a dollar. I’m trying to retrain my mind. If I make 1000$ in a week from work , it doesn’t feel like anything. I don’t know what I have to do to go back to normality. I guess time will heal this. Sorry. Thanks for checking in. I appreciate you a lot
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Take each day at a time. If you dwell on what you have done and what you have lost it will just make you miserable and misery can lead to more gambling – just to numb out the feeling.
You have done the right thing by alerting your bank and limiting the amount of money you have access to. You now need to work the rest of your recovery. Are you going to meetings or visiting recovery websites to get support? Have you looked into counseling for yourself? Are you watching out for triggers and ensuring that you can deal with them when they arise?
I know how hard it is when you feel so bad about yourself – but remember that this is the addictive behavior it is not YOU. You need to heal yourself of this addiction and take things slowly. You can get through this. -
Imagine you bought a car or are paying off a student loan. Find a way to settle your mind.
your debt is still manageable and you
know now that your probl can get way out of control if not stopped
Focus your mind on the positives murr. You get yourself tied up in the why why why cycle. Honestly never helps (been there)
why did I not learn my lesson, why did I not stop when I was + x amount? Why did I get greedy? None of those questions helped
the result was the same.
you lost as much as I did murr. I gambled with my husbands money and my child’s future. i am not proud of that and it is something I will have to live with. I was supposed to go back to work in October this year but cut my maternity leave short and start in 2 weeks time because of my wrong decision. I will have to earn that money back
$1000 is a huge amount for some. times That $1000 by 52,104,208, 415… then it is no longer that small amount you imagined. Keep building murr. Onwards and upwards
be kind to yourself
be patient
Believe that you can make things better
believe that gambling will destroy what you have left
believe that each day without gambling will bring you closer to the peace of mind you once had.
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I tried the meetings, but stopped. It is very depressing for me there, I don’t like to be in places with that much negative energy, surprising those meetings actually made me want to gamble more, as all people talked about was gambling. I don’t know, it was odd, so I stopped going. I def will need one on one counselling. But I don’t have insurance right now and can’t afford to pay for it out of pocket. It’s funnt because like meghna said, I always gamble when I spend too much $ or when $ isn’t coming in fast enough. If I was making steady income and seeing my savings rise, I likely would never gamble. Truly, I gamble to try to get rich fast, and always fail. I know this will Be hard, and once my debt is paid I will
Be so relieved. I realize now I must work hard, focus on building my brand(personal training business) help others, and good things (mentally and financially) will come my way. I have been gamble free for years at a time. My trigger is Las Vegas. My binge and relapse started the day after I returned from Vegas on sept 5 2018. On sept 4 I lost roughly 10k usd in 30 minutes and that’s when I felt the feeling
Of
A first real big loss… to me. When I got back I started chasing it., that’s when I first experienced chasing a loss. From there is was down hill … fast forward 9 months I have been gambling on and off really heavily, tried to ban.. didn’t work obviously I was getting into casino np. I hope 9 months is all. July is coming up soon and I want to really start clean. Like meghna said I want to be addicted to my recovery as much as I was and am addicted to gambling. Thank you steev for your words. I want to make myself, and everyone around me proud and never gamble again. I really want this. There was a quote that said , “when you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breathe, only THEN, will you be successful. I want my gambling recovery to be like the air I need to breathe, to live. Cheers to a gamble free life. No looking back. This is my
Day 3. Gamble free. -
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Thanks murr.
Peace of mind is down to us. Down to our choices. I think with each day, distancing ourselves from that damaging behaviour will only make us stronger and it weaker
I am in a better place now and need to face life’s struggles without adding fuel to the fire with that activity
its a false gain
its a loss dressed up
you will get stronger murr we both will with the right mindset
be strong
be patient
look forwards
believe in your your power to make the right decisions
i believe in you
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Hi pal,
You really need to be stronger. It’s all well and good people saying do this, read that, stop that. But unless you get a grip and seriously want to quit, you’ve got to want it more than anything. If you don’t give it 100% you will fail, it’s that simple.
You need to tell ALL your friends and family about your problem. Tell them everything and the more people you tell, the more people you are letting down. It’s worked for me and I’ve been a slot machine addict for 41 years. But for the first time ever, I told everyone I knew about my addiction and it’s actually worked. It’s not just me I’m letting down but every single person I’ve told and that weight on my shoulders seems to of done the trick.
But you’ve got to want it. Trying to win something Back is NOT the mindset you need. What’s gone is gone forget about it, but you definitely need to draw a line in the sand and say that’s enough. If you still gamble after all that, then I don’t really know were you can go after that. But hopefully the power of letting everyone know and it’s got to be everyone, not just a select few, otherwise it won’t work.
Good luck though. -
Hi Murr,
A couple of suggerstions.
You talk about getting rid of that 10k line of credit when you have paid it off? You would be better to reduce that credit as you pay it off. Otherwise you will have available credit right up to the point that it is totally cleared. When you owe 1k on it the 9k available would be givign the addiction the opportunity to kick in.
You also talk about letting family have money when things are cleard – why not do that now?
Ive just scanned over your thread, it was only a month or so ago that you were saying how supportive GA was and you were getting to 3 meetings a week. From less than a week ago:
“I know I should keep going to GA”
You also spoke about having an appointment for another treatment programme? How did that go?
Keep posting.
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Day 8 gamble free. The debt is crippling me and I am downing beyond my means. I just cancelled my trip to miami next week. I just can’t afford it and I knew that, I had to do this. Miami will always be there, I can’t go deeper into a hole. Right now I’m busy with my personal training business, staying busy. I am going to attend a meeting tomorrow, I will take your advice and lower the like of credit every 1000$ I pay off. Smart idea. I will remain focused and remember gambling is no way to make money, I will always remember this feeling of dispair. It’s really hard. I’ve always had savings, I’ve always been able to travel, buy thing I like, eat out at restaurants. Take girls out for dates, have fun in the summer, and now I’m doing all of those things still.. not realizing that I am in debt. I am not being smart right now, but to be honest, I’d rather enjoy life than lose more to gambling. Money I can make back and I will eventually, but I need to budget better. Its hard going from being fibancially free to worrying
avout being able to afford things. I need to rewire my brain. I hope you are all doing well. I cannot wait to clear my debt. Around 13k right now.. manageable if I am smart I can pay it off within 3 months. Just need to focus. Thanks for the suppprt guys. 5 clients today … staying busy .. trying to smile through all the BS. Life must go on, life must be better eventually … time heals all. Love
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Well done for cancelling Miami. Focus on paying back the money borrowed and building your busines.
Lets never look back murr
i found out yesterday that a close person to me was conned out of ￡4000 and then another ￡6000 of her inheritance by a man she though she could have a relationship with. The ￡6000 was borowed by her from the bank. She’s a single mother with two children, never had a lot of money and is on minimum wage. She is now in debt because she lent that money to somone who actually gambled it away .
At first I felt angry that she could just give a stranger ￡10,000 on hearing he was strugglin. He used the money on trading online!!!!
then I remembered the huge lack of care or reason I showed by gamnling. i felt so sick hearing that and thought about the huge amount of money I had wasted. I felt so sad for her and realised bad things can happen to anyOne.
It really hit home that enough really is enough for me. I am not looking back anymore. I am taking control now.
you are still young and your debt is less than a mortgage or student loan. Hold you head up high and never think that gambling is the answer to your problems
your hard work and honesty to yourself is your solution ??
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Hi Murr,
Just another thought regarding the finances. If paying off the debt in 3 months means living like a hermit then I would recommend taking 5 or 6 months to do so. Yes it would cost a little more in interest but it would be more manageable. You would then have money for other non gambling things, start to see the benefits of not gambling.
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I appreciate the words, thanks meg and Charles, Meg that’s is devastating and it puts things in perspective for sure. I hate that I had to cancel a trip I booked for my
Graduation present to myself before my gambling relapse, but it’s the reality of the mess I’ve put myself in because of this evil addiction. I’m going
To never look back. I’m 29. I have so much time and life ahead of me. It’s day 11 gamble free, some days I
Don’t think of it, other days I think
Of all the money I could have if I never relapsed. It really gets to me. I’m going to keep going strong, I know once my debt is paid it will be a bit of a weight lifted off my shoulders. 6 months till I’m 30. Goal is to have 0 debt and some savings again, I know I can, I’ve always been able to bounce back. Every time I got myself in this mess, I got out, I know this time I will get out and never look back. Charles I will pay off slowoet for sure, I want to
Enjoy the summer with friends still, so pay off by my 30tn is what’s it’s looking like, that’s my goal. Good luck to both of you. We can do this together, day 12 tomorrow. Gambling is a big fat lie that I never want to experience again. -
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I’m ok thanks, one day at a time right? Day 16 gamble free today. I’m got my debt down below 12kCAD. Can’t wait till it’s single digits. I still think about my losses daily, but it gets a bit easier to swalllow them I suppose. Try to stay busy and work hard growing My business while still enjoying life. How are you
holding up? How is the family? Vacation? Please do let me know. Cheers to a gamble free life. Much Love
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Hi murr,
So happy to hear that you are hitting this problem exactly where it will hurt and weaken it and have trouble coming back
With each day that we refrain from it, our habits and brain is recovery and forgetting. Urges weaken to the extent that you have stopped thinking about it.
Your debt is going down and with every dollar you add, the closer you are to building up your own savings
I read a few threads of wives with CG husbands who have gambled away hundreds of thousands and who are still in denial about their addiction. I felt terrible reading it as I felt I was the husband causing these wives to lose their lives, peace, trust, happiness. But then I reminded myself that I acknowledged from quite early on, and still do, that I have a gambling problem.
I do not want to lie, I do not want to hurt my family or friends. I do not wish to lie to myself. I do not wish to gamble with my family’s future. I do not wish to inflict irreparable damage or pain on my closest people. I simply couldn’t live with myself.
I can say today that I am a problem gambler. One bet is simply not enough for me and I
Lose control when I bet. I have made the conscious decision to stop and I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today.
Murr we are both on the right track. Heads up and a pat on the back from me friend
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i appreciate the message. I’m glad we are both sticking to our word of not gambling. It had been hard for me, only because I just thought this morning, I could have actually been out of debt right now from my gambling if I didn’t blow the money I have this summer so far, I took 2 trips, bought a new bed, and went out a bunch with friends, I’m just being hard on myself because my prioritities should have been to pay off my gambling debt before I went to blow money like I still had savings. Anyways I will just be smarter now and learn from this. I had a dream last night that I was at the Casino. I actually didn’t get though, it was pretty emotional for me when I woke up. I remember in the dream I was crying because I didn’t want to lose more $, and also break mt
streak of 19 Days gamble free. im glad I am still
gamble free. Today marks a very emotional day for me. 12 years ago today my friend died in a car accident at age 17. He was a great friend of mine. It makes me think that gambling is just losing money, he has lost his life and has been gone for 12 years now, will never get another chance at life. I must live for him and make him proud of who I can become. Life is short, let’s not waste it with this evil addiction, god bless you meg. I pray we get through this. We did not gamble yesterday nor the day before, and we will
not gamble today or tomrorow either. Much love
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Think about how much you have achieved by saying no to gambling, How much more damage you shielded yourself from, How bad it could actually have gotten and how much
More debt might have been added had you not taken the right steps to say “no more !”
Rewinding and replaying for me has always been my Achilles heel but it’s something I am working on stopping now.
About your friend. Firstly May his souls rest in peace. At the age of 17 when young independent life begins to take form and then it’s over. Not easy to witness that at the same age and I can’t begin to imagine the suffering that loss brought you and his loved ones.
My 23 year old brother lost his 22year old friend this year and watched him die. It was a car accident. He was young and driving dangerously. On that particular night, the friend had asked my brother if he wished to join him for a late night movie at the cinema with some other friends. My brother declined due to work fatigue that day. Everyone in the car survived but his friend, the driver died. A rod had entered his neck, piercing his main artery.
My brother cried for weeks on end and locked himself away. Drank himself sick and cried some more. I cried too thinking about how i might have felt had I witnessed a close friend pass away. Life seems insurmountable and hard for me some days. Especially since having my baby and my gambling problems of the past (finAncial damage, shame, guilt in the couple etc etc) but life really is fragile, impermanent and short.
Day 23 for me Murr. May we have control again and success in our gamble free future!
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Thanks for the message meg is means a lot. Sorry to hear of your brother friend. It’s def hard to fathom at such a young age when there is so much life ahead for it to be cut short. It’s been a hard few weeks, had a client quit on me. Still think about my losses daily, but I try to stay busy. I just wish I wasn’t in debt from gambling. I used to always gamble with my own money or the casinos. I never thought I was dumb enough
To use the banks money… it just shows how bad this addiction can get. I really just can’t wait to clear my debts. I think after i am debt free it will add less stress to my life. Good on you meg for day 23. I am day 21 today.. I guess they say 21 days to break a habit. Here is to a gamble free life. We got this together… let’s do this. Much love -
Day 23 gamble free. Got two new personal training clients. Up to 6 now… 4 more to go to return around 75k a year. Helping people reach their goals, staying busy.. finding purpose and making money the legit and right way. Gambling is a lie. It was the darkest times but also the happiest times when I won. The losses out weigh the wins and the sorrow out weighs the happiness I felt from gambling. I will work hard growing my business. I will not gamble, I will never look back. Almost one month gamble free. I can and I will beat this for good.
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Must keep going strong. I had an unfortunate weekend where I got my phone stolen and had to spent 1000 to get a new one in a new plan. I also spent 900$ in one night partying. I was so mad st myself when I woke up. I had my debt to about 13k.. now it’s back up to 15k.. when it rains it pours. Have to learn from this. I am done with booze. I almost gambled today to try to get that 3k back… I resisted though. ??
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Hi murr,
Well done for coming on here soon after. Not an easy task of admitting our obstacles.
If spending is a trigger for you then perhaps find ways of budgeting. 1000$ for a new phone sounds very pricey. There are cheaper models out there.
Think about your spending and drinking as seriously as stopping gambling as it is a trigger.
Would you believe that I also lost an ￡1000 phone back in April before my gambling started. My husband bought me an iPhone XR on mother’s day and my gambling took off for the first time after 7 years on that new phone.
Keep strong and think that in fact you bought something useful with that money. Knowing our habits you might have gambled much more that 2k in one session back then.
Eyes to the horizon murr. Believe in yourself and your inner strength
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thanks meg I’m pretty down this week but trying to stay positive. I didn’t gamble because I remember the way it ruined my life right now and
i think that’s a worse feeling than I feel after losing A phone. I never want to feel the pain of a gambling loss/binge as long as I’m alive. Thanks for checking in it really means a lot. Have to grind harder. Have to stay positive. Life must go on.. a gamble free life must go on. Much love. How are you doing? How is work? Keep going meg; we got this.
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I forgot to reply. Day 36 gamble free. I haven’t gotten my debt down because I’ve been enjoying life a bit too much and spending a bit more than I should going out with friends… but you know what, I kinda am just enjoying summer… if I go out
and spend a few hundred on dinner and drinks, at least I didn’t lise it to the casino without having a good time lol. I know it’s kind of a bad way to look At it because I am
still in debt. But I’m making decent money now with my personal training. Signed my 6 client
this week. Once sept hits I can prob be debt free by December (my 30th bday) it’s a small price to pay only 4 months to be debt free and never loook back. I hate gambling, I can’t believe how bad it was for the last 11 months. So many sleepless nights and so much depression over such an evil thing.. it should be a crime for those casinos to be open honestly. How are you doing? How is the job and kid? Family ok? Please let me know and let’s keep goinf strong for a g free life. One day at a time. Much love
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Hi Murr,
It’s great that you are in a much better place mentally and can look back and see how horrible gambling had made your life.
I too read some posts earlier and identified with so many of the emotions others expressed; regret, confusion, anger, fear. I too look back and realise what a nightmare I had lived and how much money I lost as a result of gambling.
I admit that I still feel sad about how much money I lost because I still have so many goals I need to fulfil and many of those are dependent on money.
It is day 40 for me and I am feeling much clearer in my head. I am so much closer to my baby and husband now and I feel he has found me more stable and happier than previously.
Congrats to you too for steering clear of gambling. I guess you are very sociable and enjoy spending money doing things with friends. It can’t be a bad thing if it helps you move on from the old ways. Just be aware of the money you owe. Try to chip away at it in parallel. debt free by December? That’s brilliant, well done for putting in the hard work and it will payoff.
So glad we are both on the same path and really rooting for us. Really optimistic about looking back next year at our initial posts, when we have restored the money we have lost, and giving each other a huge pat on the back for sticking to our recovery and having faith in ourselves to put things right.
Onwards and upwards friend
Meg
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sorry meg been so busy haven’t checked in a bit. Day 46 today. No urges but yes I still think of the losses, I’m just working hard to pay off my debts. I treated myself to a trip to Miami at the end of the month , only cost me 600$ round trip flight and hotel for 4 nights. Need some time away to recharge, haven’t travelled this summer for the first time in many years due to the losses, told myself just live life a little bit and pay off debts slowly. Debt is about 12k right now… hope can still get to 0 by my 30th bday on december 17. I don’t think about gambling at all, I do think about money a lot though. Funny thing is … I’ve had lot of money and I’ve been broke and now I’m in debt, I didn’t feel much different inside except I was a lot less stressed out with bills and having fun etc. I never been in debt since I went to college.. long ago.. anyways. How are you holding up, thanks for checking in, truly means a lot to hve slmeone care for me. I hope you’re going strong and it’s great we haven’t gambled in almost 2 months. i hope your job is good. Family is great, and life’s is happy because you deserve all that. Money comes money goes, we must be grateful for what we have, things money can’t buy.23 know we will get the money we lost back through working hard, that’s no question. In time, this will all be an expensive lesson and distant memory. Let’s keeP on going! Much love meg!
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Hi Murr,
So good to hear from you. So good to hear those GF numbers going up.
You will be debt free, keep going as you are and your target of being debt free by your 30th will definitely happen.
I was a little worried when you were gone for a bit but I guess you use your threat if and when you need to. I tend to log on everyday, it’s a reminder for me to steer clear of G.
What you said about money coming and going really helps me settle my mind. I truly believe that. I’ve always been impatient and finally at this stage in my life I realise that patience was something I did not give importance to. If I had been patient with my life and the people in it, I would have caused myself less pain.
Now I will always allow time to show me how life can really pleasantly surprise me!
I do think we are both in a much better place from when we first posted.
Thanks so much for your support and positivity
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We cannot look back and dwell on what could have been or what we could have done different, but we sure as heck can not make the same mistake we did gambling. Our minds will slowly move on from our losses and we will live every day till our last breath on earth gamble free, that is the mind set we must have to continue this beautiful life. Your family and child, means so much more than any amount of money, and you have much time to rebuild with some amazing people in your corner, including myself. I believe in you and I believe we will look back on this in a year, with money saved, a clear positive mind. And a gamble free life. I’m rooting for you and I know you’re rooting for me too. Let’s keep fightimy, keep going, and growing, our bank accounts. And also our gamble free days. God bless!! Onwards and upwards. Never look
back.
Day 51.
9 days until 2 months sober. Yes I will treat this just like a drug, because gambling ruined my life temporarily just like drugs and alcohol did At one point.
got To keep fighting.
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Hi Murr,
Sorry for my late reply. I get busy with my baby and I really don’t see where the time goes.
So here I am on the eve of my day 60 and I feel so much better than the 9th May 2019 to the beginning of June. My life took a direction in April, which was unexpected, destructive, toxic and really threw my world upside down.
So my goal now is to avoid that path like the plague. Like my entire existence depended on my avoiding that path. Like my baby’s and husbands happiness depended on my avoiding that path.
This is a message I wrote to my baby recently: “You are the reason behind my laughter and smiles. You are the reason behind everything. You answer all my questions and doubts. My eternal ray of light. My unconditional love.”
I was happy before I gambled and I am happy now I have stopped.
How are you? Your day 60 is fast approaching too and I want to really give you so much credit and a big pat on the back for your perseverance and drive to stop. You helped me in so many ways and gave me some sense among the madness I had created. Your strong will to stop and your self belief resonated with me. I believe in you Murr and your life will go from good to brilliant with the dedication you are showing to your work and self improvement
Never ever let G kid you into thinking it is the answer. Your reasonable mind and your skills are the answer to your success.
Here’s to more GF months ahead my friend
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I got the feels with that post meg. You have helped
me in so many ways as well and I never want you to
forget that. The amount we lost was the same, the duration
of our losses was the same, and of course, the way we felt
after that binge was the same as well. We been g free
for the same amount of time roughly also. Im not going to lie, I almost gambled the other day. But I didn’t. I didn’t even try to, j just though about it. I got stranded at a beach party and had to take a taxi back in which cost me 650$ . I also spent 850$ at this event with no recollection of doing so. It really hurt. But here I am still alive and gamble free. As long as I am alive, there is a chance to change and make things right. I am an
addict to all things that give me a thrill. And I need to stop. But it’s hard to do all at once. I’m so happy to hear your family and baby are doing well and you are in such a better place. Just imagine in August 2020 when we look Back at this. It will approach quicker than we know . And we can put this dark time behind.
Keep going meg. Keep doing this for your family , but most importantly .. take a good loook in the mirror
rifgt now… do that for her. She is truly the most important.
love??
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I’ve just gambled tonight after drinking excessive amount of booze. I had the Urge. I’ve just lost 4000$ in 1 hour. I don’t know how to feel. I feel sad, alone, depressed, like I’m in a nightmare. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what todo I don’t know who to tell. I am pretty much just wanting to die almost. Basically . I can’t believe this. I am so ashamed . I just want to Cry . Quit my job. What a pethetjc low life I am
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Read your previous post to Jen – “don’t worry, we are human.”
Remember we are not our behaviour – don’t identify with it. It is the gambling which is a pathetic nightmare – NOT YOU!You will pick yourself up from this – you did almost 2 months gf which was a great achievement – don’t let go of that.
When you have taken a bit of time to heal from the raw hurt of what has happened, look at the trigger. What caused you to drink and then gamble? What is it that you have not been dealing with? How did you get past your blocks to gambling? Can you now plug these?
All this is for the future – treat yourself gently over the next few days – above all don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t chase losses. You are hurting enough already – don’t make it worse. I wish you well.
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Murr! I am so sorry that this flipping addiction took hold of you. I agree with Steve. You are not pathetic. You are far from it. This flipping addiction is pathetic. We have to figure out a way to stay in front of it. You were doing good. 2 months is a great achievement. Things will get better. They always do. After my last relapse a friend of mine who is a drug addict said “it’s not your fault” her therapist told her even when we do not want to do it (gamble) our addicted brains tell us we do. I agree with that because I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a chase when I had no intentions in the first place. That goes back to staying ahead of our addiction. I am still trying to work on making it almost impossible to get my hands on extra cash so when and if the urge comes either I have no money or the damage is less. I hope you can do the same. Prayers for you my friend. I know it’s never easy but pick yourself up and keep going. We can and will live a better life.
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Thinking of you murr,
whats done is done. Now pick yourself up and say today is going to be another GF day. Start over my friend but with the same mindset you had before this slip.
You can’t afford to continue gambling murr. It’s not an option with the huge amounts you and I put on the table. It will wipe you out.
i know that your triggers are spending too much money on things and drinkin. Those two things need to be addressed in parallel to G. I always thought that with you. You went to a party, spent quite a bit there, then your expensive cab ride. I think they were triggers as you mentioned them.
perhaps make it a challenge to budget your spending and see how it helps you focus on staying GF
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You are not pathetic, just caught in the trap that is gambling
Draw a line now. It will only get worse and that 8k can’t be easily won now. Let go please Murr. Remember I’ve been there. 14k in one night actually add the 4600 of ‘winnings’ then thats almost 19k pound sterling
it it will not get better, it will only get worse
thE chasing will only cause more damage
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Are you worried that your gambling gets out of control when you drink, or do you drink more when you gamble?
Here are signs to look out for if you are concerned about your drinking and gambling
How they go together
For some people having a drink and placing a bet may just be a part of a night out with friends. But for many others, both gambling and alcohol consumption can become a problem.
Some people find there is a connection between the effects of alcohol and what happens when they gamble.
This may mean they:
1.Tend to drink more
2.Spend more money gambling
3.Stay at the venue for longer than intended
4.Experience other changes in mood and behaviour as a consequence of drinking and gambling.
For some, alcohol can play a role in affecting a person’s capacity to control their gambling.
Losing track of time and money?
Research suggests that there is a relationship between alcohol and riskier styles of gambling, particularly among regular or problem gamblers.
Some people even think it is the alcohol that “triggers” them to gamble more than they can afford to lose.
Alcohol can also make it more difficult to stop gambling as inhibitions are lowered.
When is it a problem?
If you find your control is slipping and that you can no longer just walk away it may be time to make some changes.
Both of these activities can make you feel good at first and some people enjoy the feelings of “escape” – but the consequences can be damaging.
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Is def my trigger I realize now.
This is going to be a long road ahead.I am defeated but I am still alive and there is a chance
To make it right.
I hope I make it right. I know what it’s like to be gamble free
For years. And this is the worst it’s gotten for me.
But I also know it can get worse.
Self sabotage is the worst form there is.Day 1. I cannot look back
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Hi Murr,
Just glanced back to your previous slip. You were going to limit your line of credit. You were going to look at some free counselling that someone gave you a link to.
Can’t change what happened, can’t change what you did/didn’t do last time – what positive actions can you take now?
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i know , i have contacted councellor today.
And I need to pay my line of credit down as
its now reached over draft.
Gambling debt is around 23k right now.
Had it down to 14k just on Friday…
wow
one relapse can set you back so bad .
all gone in a couple hours.
today is tough .
i need help and I will seek it.
i can’t wait till this storm is over .
life feels so low right now .
i know 23k isn’t much.. but it’s just gotten so mhch worse
i have a vaca coming up in 10 days.Paid for alewady
but I don’t know how I will get spending money
more credit I guess .
Have to get away for a bit
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Chased my weekend loss for 2 days now.
Today was my last loss an hour ago.
Down -10k from Saturday
Not mine, the banks.
Officially the worst financial state I have been in my whole life
-10.5k line of credit maxed
-12k visa
-2500$ over draft chequingNo money to pay minimum payments
If I save my pay cheque this week from work I can
Pay the minimum.
Won’t have rent money though
Forced myself to move back in with my parents at age 29
No drive, no motivation to work, workout, no appetite
I was 68 days gamble free, life was looking good , well
As good as it could have been without gambling.Now, tomorrow will be my day 1.
I told security once again I am banned, why do you keep
Letting me in. For the 5th time banning, they re took
My picture again, said it hasn’t been updated since 2014.
I was mad, becuase last time security said they updated ur
Pic.
Almost seems like they wanted me to lose my life savings
Well? I don’t know really what to say .
Lost for words as I never though it could get this bad.
29, -25k in debt. Empty, sad, and distressed.
At least I am alive, although I don’t know if I want to be.
Sometimes, these thoughts cross my mind when it
Got this bad.
Thanks for all your support guys.
I truly appreciate all of it; and I’m sorry
That this addiction beat me, for the 500th time.
Maybe, just maybe, one day I can look back and
Live a gamble free life. I pray one day, that is in the picture -
Murr,
you have your whole life ahead of you. If you could only accept your losses to begin with and let it go. Steev has written a very useful post about chasing losses in the recovery section…
it will get worse if you keep at it. It can only get worse. If I hadn’t said no more after my last relapse losing ￡3900 I know for a fact I would have 0 left in the bank for my house deposit
let go my friend and focus on staying gamble free .
if spending is your trigger should you be considerimg going on holiday and borrowing and spending more money? Will you be away from casinos there? Do you have enough obstacles in place to stop you from gambling again. its clear that you have to be vigilant now to really give your recovery priority.
give yourself a chance to step back from this madness. The debt will only get higher if you choose to continue. I believe you can, you like me stepped away from it for years, completely forgetting it existed.
Do do it again murr. Turn away from it for good. Do it for you.
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thanks meg, I just feel so defeated.
I cant believe I did it again.
saturday my sister asked me how many says g free
i was so proud to say 67 days.
back to day one and more debt is so discouraging.
i will have to be so smart on my holiday.
i feel I need to get away to just clear my head.
smart, maybe not.
i don’t know. Lost for words at the moment
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Also murr, Try to be honest about your triggers and what you have done to stop yourself gambling when the urges arise. Spending too much on alcohol or holidays are two which can be addressed to help you with your recovery.
For me it is spending too my friend, so I have begun saving spare coins and cash at home to keep me focused on saving, even if a little. I’ve already saved ￡970 in coins and ￡400 notes from market research I did and spare change from my husbands till he gave me. It makes me value the money I have in front of me and gives me the confidence to stay in control of my spending and saving
Perhaps find something you can do to save and budget and pay off some of that debt slowly
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I know you might not want to hear it but chasing 4,000 cost you 4,000 more. Chasing 8 grand cost you 2,000. more. STOP the bleeding. Trust me I know just as well as anyone how hard it is to stop the chase BUT i also know we NEVER ever get our money back! Glad you had them update photo. Now crawl out of the hole and get your life back on track. You did it before you can do it again. Not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but reach out and ask for your higher powers help.
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I might ad….. I have been sick to my stomach for 3 days. I am an extremely empathetic person and I feel your pain. I lived it way too many times to *****. As a matter of fact last year around this same time I had to come clean to my other 1/2 that I racked up 10,000 in credit card debt in his name in a matter of days. Yikes!!! I did stop gambling for a period and I did pay the money back BUT well as you know I have had several relapses since. I am so sick of living or reading about it. It SUCKS! BUT we will figure out how to live without this self destruction.
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i feel your pain so much. No one understands except for someone who has been addicted to this evil thing.
ive went years gamble free. I used to get so upset losing 100$ . That turned to be upset losing 1000$
to turn to today after losing 24k in 7 trips. And feel
nothing but emptiness. I have to stop the bleeding at
24k. You are right. realistically in 6-7 months I can
clear it with my job. i want this strsss off me. More than the money gone, I don’t want to feel a gambling hangover again.
its the worst feeling , I can’t sleep or eat, I have no motivation to workout , my friendships and relationships are beinf
tarnished. My work clients see I’m off. I wish this feeling
on not even my worst enemy. I am praying for you jen
i hope we can do this together. I want to beat this so bad
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Is I want to tell my mom and dad my relapse, but they
Gave me 7k when I lost 17k in May, and cried so bad
Bailing me out, and I promised them I wouldn’t gamble again
It feels so heart breaking I just lost the hard earned money
They helped me with, and it was the alcohol taking over
It wasn’t me. I just don’t know how to break it to them
But I know I have to. Today they told my sister how proud they are of me, for staying clean from the casino. And I received my college graduation pictures in the mail, my mom was so proud.
I don’t know if I should wait to tell them. I’m struggling hard
Right now -
You are young Murr. I have 19 years on you. I could literally be retired and living very comfortable but I am not. However I am happy that I have a roof over my head, good job, great son etc and most of all hope. I remember once when I was around your age I racked up a ton of debt gambling and had to move back home. Unfortunately for me it did not take long to get out of debt because I inherited money shortly after so I thought my problems were gone. Back than I thought I had a financial problem not a gambling one. So needless to say my addiction only grew stronger. More on and off the rollercoaster than imaginable. I have a feeling that I might just make it this time because I am so darn sick of of experiencing what you are experiencing now….. I promise you will get through this. I pray your “gambling days” come to an end 19 years younger than when mine did. Lets do this! I know we can!!
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I just got back from my parents. They knew something was up
it took me 30 min before i broke down and told them.
so ashamed . My mom wasn’t surprised and said she kenthis was going to happen again if I didn’t get the help i needed years ago: and my father was sad, he said I need to kick this or
its going to be a long hard life. My mom just gets upset and starts getting frustrated with me and yelling so I had to just leave. I don’t blame her because this has been on and
off for 10 years. There’s only so much they can take before I want to help myself. I’m torn now I told her I will go get help.
tomeoeow I’m booking an apt. She told me cancel
my vacation but I really want to get away knowing I cant
afford it. But it’s paid. I dont
know. It’s a hard week.. so lost with my
emotioN. Everything was semi normal on Friday.
Now life has changed in just 3 days. Ceazy
how this addiction can make you feel so low after a loss.
thanks for all the support. Gonna take some time to
rebuild. But I know I can. She said I can move back home with them. I think I will. Completely hibernating and no drinking, just save money and
chip away at debt.
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thank you. It’s tough, I feel your pain becuase I know yoy
feel mine also. It’s such an evil beast. And those casinos
shoiod be sued, banned, non existent. Watching me
Ruin my life for 10 years On and
oFf. Continuously banning myself over and over
askinf them to re take my picture. Them
saying they did. To today him saying it hasn’t. Been updated since 2014. That hurt me. It’s like they wanted me to keep losing knowing I was banned. I’m torn. I am lost… just trying to workout now and stay busy. Going to take about half
a year to get rid of
this debt. I hope I can come back here in 6 months telling yoy guys I’m debt free and gamble free. ??
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thank you. It’s tough, I feel your pain becuase I know yoy
feel mine also. It’s such an evil beast. And those casinos
shoiod be sued, banned, non existent. Watching me
Ruin my life for 10 years On and
oFf. Continuously banning myself over and over
askinf them to re take my picture. Them
saying they did. To today him saying it hasn’t. Been updated since 2014. That hurt me. It’s like they wanted me to keep losing knowing I was banned. I’m torn. I am lost… just trying to workout now and stay busy. Going to take about half
a year to get rid of
this debt. I hope I can come back here in 6 months telling yoy guys I’m debt free and gamble free. ??
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I stoped counting years ago and that’s when it was close to a few million. It’s definitely not a competition to see how much we can loose. I imagine it all hurts the same. The more we can get our hands on the more we can loose. Sometimes I think I would be better off with no income. I worked most of my life just to dig in and out of debt. I have a good gig as I work from home and no one looking over my shoulder . How I manage to maintain my job is beyond me. Meaning this addiction takes so much energy. Weather we are gambling or trying to recover. It’s very draining. I do well at my job and owner of company is always pleased, little do they know I could do so much better. I am so glad you talked to your parents. I know it sucks right now but one less thing to hide and at least that monkey is off your back. I look forward to reading about better days ahead. This to shall pass.
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it sounds like you have a great
job and if yoy beat this addiction you will
be able to save up easily and live a happy
gamble free life again. I believe in you.
today is my day 1. And I’m so determined this time.
my 30th bday is in 120 days. I’m making it a promise
to myself, and to all of you. I will be on here telling
yoy all I made it, and I cleared my debt. I can’t wait
for that day.
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Hi murr,
I thought this might be useful to you as it was to me when I kept chasing losses…
“Hi Meghna83,
How are you doing? Thank you for reading my story. I hope it was helpful. I’m doing well, thanks for asking. Just dealing with normal life problems and trying to stay busy with work. Today is June 28th, 2019. I quit gambling December 27th, 2016. Seems not that long ago but I guess it has been some time. It’s been roughly 2.5 years since I left placed a bet. That’s pretty cool.
To answer your question… I had to come to grips with the fact that the money was gone. That is was never coming back. That no plan I had, no system, no winning streak, etc., was ever going to get that back. I had to look deep within and realize that maybe the losses were the price I had to pay to learn the lesson I had been taught. Some lessons unfortunately cost us a lot sometimes. I realized that people make mistakes in business, in marriage, with health, etc., and those mistakes can cost money. My gambling addiction came with a huge cost, maybe the cost of that is greater than the money lost. I had one choice. My life, the chase, and getting out of the fog, or death. I had only one choice. To get out of my way. Stop placing wagers. And I did. Is it still hard. Not as much but I literally just passed a casino on a drive to a family vacation and had a small urge. That urge will never be gone. But my mind is strong. If I place a bet than all is lost.
Be well and keep me posted on your recovery.”
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i remember that one, it really resonates and I cant
wait to be at that day of remission.
I have great news. I am starting a new job
on the 9th. And I’m continlying my personal training
business at night while moving back within my
parents. This construciton job will pay 4K per month
with another 2.5k from my business gives me 6.5k
per month. I am on route to have my debt cleared by
my 30th and also for the start of a new year 2020.
thank you again for the continuius support.
I appreciate you more than you know.
bless
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Stop beating yourself up. It’s over. It’s done. Ask God to take away your sadness, shame, guilt etc( whatever you are feeling) Ask him to fill you with his peace. He will. All you have to do is believe he will and ask him. It will take some time to heal but you will. Stop looking behind you and or too far ahead. Just make the best of today. I know the feeling of being down in the dumps but God never fails to help me get through the day when I ask him. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
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Reading my whole thread just now and all my
Relapses.
Funny my first post says alll the money I lost “but at least I’m not in debt”
That’s when I was using my own money to gamble
Never did I imagine i would fast forward a year and use
The credit card and banks money.
It’s true this disease is a bottomless pit
There was a quote and it said “a Cg once told
Me that gambling has no bottom, just when you
Think you’ve reached the bottom, you can dig further to a hole you never thought was imaginable” I know this isn’t the
Bottom. More credit cards, more loans, more ways to find money. I need to stop the bleeding at -24k before I add
Another 0 on the end of that. -
My first one on one counselling session is booked for
Tuesday. It’s for addiction counselling. I have been
An addict for as long as I can remember. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, you name it. My trigger to gamble is usually booze and drugs. I need to beat all of my addictions for
Good. I’m really looking forward to therapy. Need a sober and gamble free life again. Need my life back before it’s too late -
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not read it but I will look into it Jen thank you.
day 3 today, haven’t slept much the past few nights at all.
i am coming to terms that money is gone forever
and I am not getting back through chasing,
i accept my losses as a hard lesson learned.
i will work hard, and save, and live a gamble free life
i will not gamble today.
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In the aftermath of a big loss, it haunts us, Murr. The open wound remains raw, until we allow it to heal. Time heals (somewhat). Accepting that the money is gone forever is really painful. Exposing a wound helps too. Well done on coming clean with your family. Secrecy destroys us. Keep reading Jen’s advice and I will too. I begged God for wins. Now is the time to ask Him to blank out the awful memories. Thankfully, the human mind has the ability to obliterate pain. Congrats on your new job and best wishes with your counselling appointment . When I had a HUGE loss in 2015, a member here suggested that I should make a Plan. I saveda lot by putting smallish amounts away every month. Sadly, like you, the bank allowed me to transfer my hard earned savings and like a FOOL, I bequeathed it to some faceless fat cat……
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thanks for those words, it’s so true
i kept asking god on the way in please just
help me break even and I’ll never gamble again
ha! Ive broke even plenty, and just went back
and lost it all over again. If god helped me break even
there would be no lesson learned.
i Accept that money is gone, and never going to see it again.
Chasing my losses cost me half a years salary in about 10 hours total. And that’s something I will have to live with,
i wont forget about it, but it will become easier to accept.
its just money at the end of the day. I rather live a gamble
free life broke as heck right now, than be rich and gamble.
thats the way I got to look at it.
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your words mean a lot to me.
i didnt know there would be many relapsed during
my attempt at recovery.
i truly thought there was no way I could ever
be in this position once again. But that’s the beast
of addiction and I know this will be a lifelong battle.
i don’t want to gamble again. I didn’t even enjoy the last 15 times I gambled , I was just trying to break even. Walking into the casino would make me sick, I didn’t even get a rush
or a thrill anhmore, it was just to try to get my money back and it never came.
i will treat gambling as serious as my life now.
if I gamble again, it is like ending my life.
placing another bet, is like committing suicide.
and I don’t want to die.
god bless you
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You are helping yourself in so many ways by not gambling murr. You are doing everything for the best by not gamblinG. There’s nothing else you need to do other than not gamble. All other things you can deal with if you choose not to gamble
well done on getting through these first few days, it will get easier for you as you know. You will pass this, it’s part of your recovery journey
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There are many things you can do after you stop gambling; you can learn about cognitive behavioral therapy, rational emotional behavioral therapy, 12 steps recovery program, smart recovery program just to name a few therapy or program to help you stop gambling on top of keeping a journal here and attending gambling support group meetings.
May you find that Higher Power. A Higher Power is a power greater than you, it can be a person, place, group or thing, it can be a God, a more experience recovery person such as a sponsor, a gambling support group such as GA or a recovery program such as the 12 steps recovery program.
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Felt like a big waste of time. Told me things for an hour
That I already knew. However I know this is going
To take time. I will give it at least 10 session sessions
To see if it helps. Imagine, 150$ per hour…
No insurance .,,
Luckily my family is very supportive and is paying for this.
I hope it helps, I’m willing to continue because
I’ve come to my final straw with relapsing -
-
I’ve made one of the dumbest mistakes ever this weekend.
My trip to Miami got cancelled because of the hurricane.
So my friend was supposed to go with is from
NYC. He asked me if instead I want to come visit him
In nyc, celebrate his bday here, then go to Atlantic city for a pool party, then to the Jersey shore the next day.
In my mind I knew Atlantic city was a danger risk for me.
I figured go with him to the pool party. There’s no
Way I’d leave to go gamble when I’m with friends who
Don’t gamble. Well that was a lie. I ended up getting
Drunk, separating from my friends. And in a casino playing
Blackjack wasted. Lost around 3000 usd until I had tapped out my
Limit. It was cash advanced off my credit card.
I really am powerless over this addiction.
Heading back
Home today depressessed. Ashamed, with more debt.
I really wanted to end this trip successfully, saying
I was responsible, I didn’t gamble, I went for a bday and
That’s it, but as you know this is a disease that i am not
In control of. So this is day 2, once again. Credit card is almost maxed out, line of credit maxed out, over draft maxed out.
This is near my rock bottom. -
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you know what , I don’t even enjoy gambling,
honestly. I don’t get a rush , I don’t like the act of gambling at all. I really just was chasing to try to get some of the 26k I’ve lost
since May. I just wanted to get some back, and didn’t win
once since May. I literally lost every single time for the
past 13-15 times I’ve gambled. It’s the higher powers
way of telling me to stop, because I have dug a hole
i cannot climb out from gambling and chasing has
this an absolute financial nightmare.
tuesday I will have to move back
in with my parents. At age 30. It will take me
roughly 6 months to clear this debt. That’s me having
no social life, or spending at all. But this needs to be done
because I’ve damaged my financials, and worse than that
my mental state.
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I sound like a broken record
Who the hell could have sympathy
For me
I’ve make the mistake 1000 times
Nobody can save me but me
Sometimes I feel this is useless to even post
Sometimes I feel I’m a lost cause
Empty
Alone
Distraught
DepressedI pray there is hope
Because now I feel this is close to the end
Of my rope -
If you are having any suicidal thoughts at all – please talk to a helpline – there is a link here https://thelifelinecanada.ca/help/ or here https://www.befrienders.org/ Even if you are not feeling that low – it would be good to call them and talk things out with someone.
When you are back with your parents – could you not let them handle your finances for a while – until you get a grip on this. You know what needs to be done (banning and barring yourself / getting support / finding alternatives) and yet your gambling mind gets around these things.
Let someone you trust take control – just for one day at a time until you can find the strength to pick up the reigns again. You are young and you can get back on your feet again – just give yourself a break and put things in someone else’s hands for a while. Someone who cares about you and has your interests at heart.I know you will get a lot of support here – but please don’t hold back on getting support from your home and your home area. I wish you well.
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I appreciate it man. I never thought I could let it get this bad
i never thought in my wildest imagination I could lose my lifsvaings in such a short time. And be so desentsitized and numb
to this insane addiction. It’s almost like I don’t have any
feeling toward it anymore. When I lose now, I walk out
feeling nothing. And this is a serious
issue. I know you’re right. It will take me roughly 6 montgs
tk get back on my feet. And I want this so bad. but clearly it’s okt
of my
control.
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-20k credit card with 1000$ credit left
-10k line of credit maxed to -10,500
Overdraft maxed to -2500All in about 9 times gambling
Never thought I could do this.
No More money available to take out.
Thankfully parents are giving me a roof
Or I’ll tell you all I would be homeless tomorrowI hope people use this as a lesson, and I know this is
Small compared to some stories. But this is real life
Nightmare for me because of my gambling addiction.
I will work very hard
To get out of this mess and get my life back.
GA, one on one therapy, rehab. Whatever it takes -
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I think calculating how long it will take to “get out of this hole” is actually working against you.
If you STOP gambling and start paying off your debt, eventually it will be gone. Even if it takes 2 years rather than 6 months, isn’t that better than never being out of debt? Gambling is not the answer. No matter how clever we think we are, we cannot beat the system.
Wake up tomorrow and try to find something to be grateful for. I think gratitude plays a big role in recovery.
I read a great quote once that said, “sometimes you just have to lay on the ground.” Sounds silly but laying on the ground, accepting ALL the weight of your mistakes, have a cry about it and get back up with new enthusiasm..
I wish you well, these are just my opinions. -
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thanks for the message. that makes a lot of sense
and I appreciate different insights. I need to be grateful
this addiction hasn’t taken my life fully yet. I need to bear
it now before I go another year in this vicious cycle
need to be grateful that it is possible to climb out still
but youre right will take time.
but I would rather take time rebuilding and recovering
than more time digging deeper into a hole of debt and
misery.
thanks again for your words.
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it’s so true. The damn root of all evil. Financial stress.
i guess it just boggles my mind how deep
i took it in such a short amount of time. It’s just so
hard to accept i guess because I was so close to being
debt free before these last two relapsed and my mind
was in such a better place, being back at square one
in just a matter of 14 days is just baffling. I guess this
is reality though you never know when your next
relpase will come when you are a cg that’s why you have to work so hard on your recovery. ?? I hope you’re doing great
Nd I’m so proud you’re still going strong g free.
This is my day 1, again:(
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Strong urges to chase my losses here back
At home, couple reasons why I didn’t .
I know I’m banned from the casino till 2024
And it’s 40 min away.
I have only 1000$ left of credit that will need to last me
Till I get back
On my feet.
I know that I’m chasing 30k and that to me seems
Impossible to do in a day with a 1000$ bankroll
And the last of any accessible funds to my name.
Also the thought of a casino and the smell of
A casino makes me want to throw up.I need to accept this money is gone forever and
I need to accept that there’s no way to win it back. -
I am so sorry to hear of the torture you have put yourself through, again, Murr.
Believe me, I know EXACTLY what it feels like.
The good news is, we CAN STOP.
Think of people who are terminally ill, who have no chance of recovery and no say in their future and DECIDE TODAY that you have a choice and another chance to live a better life.
I speak these words to myself too.
Time and money mean nothing, absolutely nothing when we are gambling so really there is no point in looking back and second guessing.
I know how difficult it is to let go but we have to surrender at some point.
Gambling has nothing to offer us, Murr.
You know that.
I know that.
One thing I have learned and firmly believe, is that CGs cannot handle money.
Next time you go on vacation, please give your cards/cash to your pals and let them do the paying for you.
Not judging you, Murr, but do you think you need to attend AA?
Lots of GA members benefit from both fellowships.
Back to the drawing board Murr.
One day at a time! -
Fight those urges! Winning that much money back is a long shot. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning!
Think about what you could do otherwise to make money. I took a random cash job for this weekend so I could make extra money. It is more of a guarantee than going to the casino! It is not in my line of work at all but I figure I have to start working towards having some money in the bank again.
It will be very redeeming and rewarding if we can climb out of our debt holes on our own. We have made it this far and we are still here so might as well fight for it.
I am not in any GA or anything yet. I am going to see if I can do it on my own (with help from all of you here as well), but one thing I did read on here which has helped so far is:
DELAY – the urge won’t last forever. Delay until the craving passes
DISTRACT – fill time with a more rewarding/fulfilling activity
DECIDE – you do not gamble anymore. Remind yourself WHY you DECIDED to stop gambling.
Hope this helps. Please do not go to the casino today. Tell yourself, I won’t go today. I won’t gamble today. I won’t gamble for the next hour, next minute, whatever you need to say. Going to the casino will not help you, this I can promise.
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you said is 100% facts and truth.
i need to get it out of my mind that I’m gonna win
it back. My problem is def free time. This whole
chase happened when my hours got cut at work.
decided to try tk go to the Casino and treat it like
i was going to work for the day make a couple hundred.
that didn’t work as you know. I am trying to find
full time work during the week as now I run my own
personal training business and only work 3x a week
def my downFall. So plan is work full time durinf week
and pick up a cash job on weekends. Always stay busy
occupied. thanks For all your help and advice.
i will def use the strategies above.
we got this, together.
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thanks for your words. You’re right gambling has literally
nothing to offer us but pain and misery and financial stress.
i should have def given my cards and cash to my freinds
on vacation. It’s almost as if subconciously I wanted
to gamble. The demons got the best of me
hoping I could recover some losses from two weekends ago
down in Ac. I haven’t won a single bet since my first
big loss in May. That’s someone above trying to tell
to stop, because I have had not one win since.
i have thought about aa. I will try it if Moving back
home and hibernating At my parents fails.
for now I am so determined to stay sober from
all my demons. How are you doing though?
i hope you are still g free. Please let me know
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Please hand over your finances to a close person murr
it is hard for you to see clearly right now
c o u n t i n g losses seems to make you more determined to win the money back.
counting time and earnings makes you more determined to win the money back.
Forget the figures and focus on staying gamble free
i didn’t mention my last losses for a reason. I feared it would lead to a chase and I knew that that was not an opt for me
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Please hand over your finances to a close person murr
it is hard for you to see clearly right now
c o u n t i n g losses seems to make you more determined to win the money back.
counting time and earnings makes you more determined to win the money back.
Forget the figures and focus on staying gamble free
i didn’t mention my last losses for a reason. I feared it would lead to a chase and I knew that that was not an option for me
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I agree, Megna.
When I c ount my losses I always feel “I have to “win” my money back”!
Gambling sites keep “wins” pending, knowing the weakess of the gambling mind. Most gamblers reverse and lose their “wins”.
In GA, mentioning sums of money is discouraged. I guess one reason for that is to prevent CGs dwelling on losses as it prevents us from letting go.
MURR, I AM STOPPED GAMBLING NOW.
I’m not c ounting the hours since my last binge. I will focus on normal life and gradually get back to reality.
I hope and pray you will do likewise.
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I know I need to forget the figures. It sucks I’ve tracked
every win and loss since sept 4 2018. Every dollar.
i think that’s what messed my mind up the most.
unfortuntely I have 0 finances left to hand over
ro someone right now. But when I get back on my feet
i will def hand them to my parents and get them
to pay off my debt with my paycheques.
its a tough day today… don’t know how I did this
yet again… two weeks ago my mind was so clear
im back in a real life nightmare.
moved all my stuff back into my parents today
a fresh start, I’ve deleted all my social media accounts
I’ve found that to really be negative in my brain
always looking at lavish lifestyles of Rolex watches,
fancy cars and million dollar homes.. made me want
to get rich fast and tempted me to gamble more.
so this is day 1 of a new life, gamble free. I’m not
looking back. This time. Quit all substances also.
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I am so happy to hear you are gamnle free
i am with you
i am on board
I will not gamble today, tomorrow , or the day after that
i am a terrible gambler, I have not won a dollar
since my bad relapses. Why continue something
i am so bad at? Doesn’t make sense.
money is gone.
never going to see it again through gambling
but will see it through hard work and perseverance
along with patience and a long grind.
god bless you and meg, Jen, and everyone who has
helped me through my dark times. I don’t know what I would
do without this support.
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I have a business at home too which i why I also have lots of free time.
We need to start focusing on what makes us happy. Having hobbies. Doing creative things. Building. Cooking. Whatever. Have to try to install joy into our day and know that even though we think gambling brings us joy, we are tricking ourselves and it really does not.
Maybe you can focus more energy into your business? Get a few customers, make a bit more money to pay off the debt? Our time has to be better spent than gambling.
I hope today was ok for you. Try not to dwell on the negative thoughts. Today was a new day, tomorrow is a new day, every day we get another chance to set it right. I’m on day 4, going to do a new journal in a moment.
Maybe try writing some stuff down too. Get your feelings out. It has been helping for me. Take care and thanks for chatting with me. It is helping me.
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time will heal us and each day will become esier for us as we go on with gamble free days. Time will literally heal anything , and as we rebuild. It will help our finances and our minds. I always tell myself this analogy. I used to be into bodybuilding , still workout 6 days a week but when I used to compete. I couldn’t have any bad junk food as I was dieting. At the beginning of my diet was the hardest, dreaming of cake and ice cream lol. as the weeks went on , and I made it further into the diet with disipiline, I couldn’t risk cheatig on it because I wanted to win the competition. i treat this like a diet, the more time I don’t gamble, the less urge i have to gamble and the more I want to win and beat this demon. The first few weeks are the hardest and we must stay Busy. I agree I will focus on my business and get a weekend job so I can chop away at this debt one day at a time. I know it will Take time but I’m determined to win. ironically, tomorrow is the exact date last year where I experienced my first real loss (my biggest). Ever since sept 4 2018, I have chased that big loss , some weeks 7 times, some weeks 4, some weeks only on weekends, I’ve prob gambled over 150 or more times since that day. What’s cool now is just as I’ve ruined my life through gambling the past 12 months, I am going to treat this as a reverse. Make every day gamble free, rebuild my mental state and my finances , and I hope I can come here on sept 1,2020. And tell all of you it has been a gamble free 12 months. Thank you for your support too. It helps me to chat with people with the same demons. I believe this is our year, if we truly want it.
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Yup time does heal anything. I have been in so many situations in my life when I thought there was no way out or I would never get over it. Funny thing….. I can not even remember some of them now. Just keep focused on “not feeding the monster” vs getting money back. Lean on God to get through the early days (actually all the days) he can and will help you but only if you ask him.
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it’s been a tough day, I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about why I didn’t switch games and play roulette where I used to win instead of blackjack where I bottomed out and lost my life savings and put me in this hole. It’s terrible my mind is wandering to that’s place of what if I hit my numbers. a true cg. I need to overcome these thoughts before I relapse. ??
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I know the thoughts all too well.. “if I would of bet more” if I would of bet less” if I would of went to a different table a different machine”. “If I left when I was only out x amount or up x amount”. When the thought should be “ I should not gamble or it will turn into a shit show” Even if we manage to win and walk away it only encourages us to try it again. It all leads to pain and misery wether that day , that week or months later. It all sucks!!! Just be done! Unfortunately We can not doing a flipping thing with what we already did BUT we can have a better today & tomorrow. Money, time… all that is gone. God does not care how we ran the race, he cares more about how we finish it. Let’s finish strong!! F gambling!!!!!
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its all so true Jen. Instead of thinking why I didnt
switch games, I need to think about ways to never gamble again, I have another therapy session tomorrow, going to
give it another shot. this gamble hangover is one
of the worst yet.. I guess cuz I’ve lost eveththing in
my name this time. Rebuilding will be a long road,
but salvagable. Got to stay focused ??
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I asked a dealer if he was a gambler about 7-8 months ago and he said he used to be. I asked him why he stopped?
He told me, you stop when you lose everything.
I understand him now.
And I haven’t even lost everything yet(house , car, business)
There is More of a bottom, always with gambling
His words resonate with me today.God give me the strength….
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youre right. I need to move on:(
it sucks right now I have barely any work which is giving me all of this time in my Thoughts. Will find work this week hopefully
as soon as I start seeing some pay cheque’s and that
debt going down, along with gamble free days, my
mind will slowly become better and life will look up.
how are you doing? gamble free day? Keep going
strong.
and thanks for the kind words.
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Hi Murr. I have noticed that from the beginning of this thread I have seen the words “But when I get back on my feet I will………” several times. The best time to take actions is usually now, if you could do that then you will be more likely to reach that “back on your feet” point. Why not hand accountability of your finances to your parents now?
Speaking of actions, you mentioned GA, counselling etc. Let us know how it goes.
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I have no more finances to hand over to my parents right now as I’ve maxed out every penny available to my name. Once I get my first small pay tomorrow I could give that bit literally that’s going on my minimum payment to my line of credit, cc, and over draft. I had my second one on one counceling today. I think I need to find an actual psychologist instead of an addictions councelllor because although he is helpful, I do believe a psycoligist is more trained with the human brain, maybe I’m wrong. He did make a good point today though, he said you know that with these addictions , you feel it’s you vs You. When actually it’s you vs the brain. So when I went to Atlantic city I was trying to say don’t gamble don’t gamble, but the ill part of my mid brain actually won the battle and I gambled. So I am now retraining my brain to level out and not crave the dopamine I get from drinking, gambling, partying, etc. I’ve moved back in with my parents and I’m applying for jobs with my degree from college. I think once I see the debt slowly go down And the gamble free days pile up, along with the sobriety , things will get better. The problem is I’m an addict to more than just gambling. So it is very hard at the moment I’m trying to beat 4,5 diff addictions at once, but they all revolve around alcohol being my trigger. Can’t remmeber the last time I relapsed sober.. so that’s my culprit. I will also attend GA this week. this is my update for now, day 3 gamble free.
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Ok, so talk to your parents now, while you don’t have money, then plans will already be in place when you do. Remember, as you pay down your debt ask your bank to reduce your line or credit, then it is no longer available to tempt you. If drink is an issue then address that as well, get to AA. IF you drink then you can still put things in place. Atlantic City? Now I am sure that you didn’t go with the intention of gambling. What you did do though was go leaving yourself the opportunity to gamble. I did that many times myself. I didn’t intend to gamble – but hey I’ve got ￡￡￡￡ in my pocket. You lost 3k because you had access to 3k. That is something you can change.
Well done on your 3 days gambel free.
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Hi. I have been reading your posts and have been flipping back and forth in my mind on whether i should post to you. I see that you are consumed by the money lost only after the money is lost. I would be in a spiral of not thinking about the money i lost yesterday while gambling today, but was in quite a state just this morning thinking of the yesterday losses. The same would happen tomorrow and tomorrow, and all of the next tomorrows that happened thereafter. Why is it we only think about the money when we are not actually gambling? Its because its not about the money at all. The money is the way we pay for the opportunity to gamble, and we want to- some even need to – gamble because we need to feel. I need the bonus symbols, the anticipation. I need the dopamine flooding my brain. It gives me a great feeling that somehow manages to override all of the flashing lights in my brain telling me NO NO NO. It is never about the money. If it was we would never keep betting until its all gone. Your remorse is for the money lost but it is payment for something that you are getting. Find what you need, what it is giving you, and then find it elsewhere, cheaper. For me, it is giving me quiet, solitude, and an escape from the real truth that i may never be able to be in a functional relationship with any man, ever. I’m damaged and i dont know if i really want to fix it. Then i stress that i dont really want to fix it. Find what it is giving you that you are willing to pay so much for it.
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thank you for your message. It means a lot to have support from all of you here. please after I reply here let me know what your thread is called and I will have a read. I read some threads on here and like you, sometimes I don’t know what to say as I’m so torn in this vicious cycle sometimes I just observe. Sort of like when I went to GA , sometimes I would just listen for the hour. I agree and disagree with what you said about it not being about the money anymore. For me it used to be that way, it was about the dopamine rush when I would get a blackjack or two face cards and beat the dealer. That’s when I knew it was for the thrill. But to be completely honest with you, toward the middle of my chase when I was digging my hole deeper, it was actually just me trying to get my money back. I wouldn’t even get excited when I would beat the dealer or a get a blackjack, that’s when I knew the thrill was gone for me. I can be honest and say I haven’t won at gambling since May 14. I’ve lost every single time I’ve gambled and dug my debt deeper and deeper, my hopes was just to break even, recoup my losses, and pay off my cards, because I did it before in the past. That’s the thing, I actually used to win.. never thought I could go on this cold streak of losing every single time.. but it’s reality.. it happened and it happened real fast. Almost like when I gambled, I knew I was going to lose before I even sat down, and I still did it with that 1% hope I could recoup a bit of losses. With those memories of those big wins walking out on cloud nine… never happened. What I can tell you is there is def a root I need to fix because you are right, even if I had the 30k I lost back right now, I would still be depressed, I would still be partying, I would still be battling other demons and abusing substances looking for that dopamine rush. gamblibf was just another way to escape. I’m trying my best to stay positive, and realize that I need to treat this just like a loan… a student loan or a car loan or a mortgage… I need to realize 99% of the world has debt, mine just happened to be self inflicted from gambling addiction and substance abuse. I will attend GA AGAIN next week, and one on one therapy once a week as well. I have even declined a friends birthday today. He was mad and called me a bad friend pretty much.. I told him I couldn’t be around anything that has alcohol involved, and I’m sorry I’m in recovery mode. This will happen a lost in the montgs tk come. ANd if these so called friends don’t understand addiction, they weren’t my friends to begin with. It’s almost like my friend who I told I had a bad gambling prob, brushed it off and invited me to Atlantic city anyways.. if I knew my friend had a problem there is no way I’m bringing him to gamblers haven. But now I know what real driends are .. A lot of people are going to get left behind in My life in the next year. And I’m ok with that . I’d rather be alone and getting better than have people bring me down and hinder my recovery. Sorry for the rant. I appreciare your words and I hope you are doing well with your recovery also. Let’s do this. One day at a time.
god give me the serenity …
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It really resonated with me the damaged part. I feel I can never meet a girl who will accept me for all these issues, I’m scared to even speak with women right now because 1) I’m broke and can’t afford to 2) I’m so damaged the last girl who tried to save me , got her heart broken because of my demons. Crazy enough she still want to be in my life to this day.. asks to take me to meetings etc, I just can’t find it in me to get back with her… it wouldn’t be right .. I need to fix myself .. but I don’t know if I ever will ??
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Just because you are damaged, it does not mean you are worthless. A Porsche can be damaged, fixed then run like new. The only difference is that there may be a weak spot, so you must keep that in mind. The same with us. We are damaged but if we do some repairs, due diligence and maintenance can keep us running. You have to do the repairs needed. I am a hard working Mom that has had a difficult life by that doesn’t mean that it hasnt been great in some areas, anyways. I’m not down for the c o u n t yet. I have never given up easily and wont this time either. You have to make the repairs. It just patch work right now, but if you keep it up, reinforce daily, the patch will hold. Give yourself time and effort. Dont expect that it will be immediate. Just think of yourself as one of the MILLIONS worldwide with an addiction and you wont feel so alone.
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that is a great analogy and message you wrote me there, I really appreciate that. And it’s the truth. We can fix this through exercise of the brain. Nothing will come easy , but it will be worth it. I have actually went years g free. I think my best was 2010-2014 not a single bet. I didn’t even know what a compulsive gambler was back then..I just gambled with a certain friend often.,, but would lose couple hundred here and there and win couple hundred here and there. It wasn’t truly till 2014 and beyond that the magnitude of my bets and frequency became very concerning.. and it wasn’t until 2018 that gambling truly destroyed my life, mind , and finances. It just goes to show how severe addiction can get, and can always get worse. Part of me is happy I’m trying to beat this now at 29. I really don’t want to let it slip any further or dig my debt any deeper or feel the pain of another gambling hangover again. It all starts with me quitting alcohol. It has been my trigger for every relapse, every gamble session, every time I didn’t. Want when was up, every time. I had an urge. I think through these small steps along with reatending Ga. And one on one counseling, the maintenance you spoke of will be a rewarding one. Because I truly need to find the root of my ”why” … why I am trying to escape reality through these dopamine rushes. I will end it here. “You could have it all it’s all about your reason”
no struggle, no progress. I have that tattood on my forearm and it’s time I truly progress through these struggles. Day 5 today.
Have a great weekend.
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thank you for taking the time to read my story man. There is a lot of posts dating back to around 12 months ago so that’s means a lot to me. This week has been… a bit weird. I’m back in with my parents, trying to find full time work which makes my debt more stressful because money really isn’t coming it like should right now for me to see the debt go down. I got out of my city to visit my sister for a couple of nights.. it has been the first weekend in around 3 months where I haven’t partied and used alcohol. 7 days gamble free and sober from substances with a little bit more of a clearer mind and outlook on my current situation. My sister is a psychologist here in a big city and she told me she’s in debt around 100k from school loans.. she doesn’t stress and knows she will pay it off eventually and it made me realize my debt is very managable to get rid of if I stay focused on saving and more importantly being gamble free. I am relieved to tackle this now before I have good money coming in again because we all know the more money we have the more money we are going to risk gambling. I only stopped basically because I ran out of money. They say inevitably you have to hit rock bottom to stop and lose it all befor you really stop and think of the damages you’ve done to your finances, mental state, and more important who you are as a person, you truly lose yourself and who yoy are when you’re in this addiction. More so than the money lost it is the psychological damage it has done on my brain to lose all sense of the value of a dollar, to feel pretty empty inside feeling like the hole you’ve dug is unsalvagable. I know the money will be made back through hard work, but I want my old self back, the self that was happy waking up in the morning not worrying about debt from gambling, not worrying or thinking of placing a bet,hitting big, then losing your monthly salary and stressing how you’re going to pay bills and survive. I want that old me back more than I want the money that I lost back. I have been going to one on one counselling as i mentioned and it’s helping me see what addiction truly is to the brain. I will also attend GA again this week and give it a chance. This year is for my recovery. It’s been 12 months this addiction got to be the worst in my life, and I’m very determined to make the next 12 months sober from gambling and substances. It won’t be easy, it will take lots of work. But I want it more than ever now, I’m seeing things from a sober brain and I’ve never wanted to get my life back more than I do at this very moment. I pray and wish you the best in your recovery as well, and again, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my thread.
Stephen
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we Are in on this journey together man, im in very similar shoes to you right now where money isn’t as good as it was and I just miss the old me. Exactly what you said, something as little as waking up in the morning and being happy. Happy to be alive. I miss that. But we will get there. Our journey is started already. Have a blessed week!
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we Are in on this journey together man, im in very similar shoes to you right now where money isn’t as good as it was and I just miss the old me. Exactly what you said, something as little as waking up in the morning and being happy. Happy to be alive. I miss that. But we will get there. Our journey is started already. Have a blessed week!
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day 9 today. Slowly getting over the denial stage that I will never see that money again, urges are not strong to gamble as the days pass, but opening up my bank app seeing the debt I put myself in is very depressing however I am trying to change my perspective and be grateful for all that I do have right now- great support from a coupe close friends, a loving family who gave me a roof over my head and food when I hit my rock bottom, an ex gf who came back into my life as more of a best friend through my darkest times, and more so I am alive brother. I have a chance to turn this around, because many times I have been close to death. It took me 29 years on this earth to realize and accept I am an addict. the next 30 years is going to be strictly focused on my recovery. right now basically lived about 50% of my life as an addict. i refuse to live more years an addict than a sober , true, me. lets battle this one day at a time, and we will see our old lives comes back slowly, debt go down, have savings again, not worry about bills and be comfortable with our finances again.
i believe this is my final straw. And I am ready to take on this demon full force.
god bless you man
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Murr you have a few days on me and I want you too keep it that way. I pray we get through this. Your turning 30 this year I’m turning 27. If we go through this now we will see sunlight. We will see better days. We will have everything we wanted restored and shaped for our future. We needed this. Maybe our story will save someone from going through hell later. Lord knows. But I’m putting my trust in him. Have a blessed week man
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I am on day 12 and I am still in the denial stage about the money I think. Not so much that I won’t get it back but just HOW did I let it get that bad?? I can’t seem to forgive myself or even believe that I did it. When I think of all the money lost I just shake my head. How how how?
And since I’m not gambling anymore, there is no chance to get it back. At least when we are gambling we *THINK* we can get it back. There is some hope (which I know is ridiculous because we always lose when we gamble, but you know what I mean), now there is no hope.
Accepting the losses is a very tough part of this.
Congrats on day 9 though! Continue to stay positive.
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Hey man! I read your story. You kow, I used to be a sports gambler . I am 29 and I am 24 days gambling free.
The only advice I can give you is: stop gambling, continue clean.
We don′t need this sh**t of gambling in our lives. It just destroys us and isolate us from everything we love.
I send you a hug man.
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thank you my man. I agree with all that you’ve said there. I’ve been years gamble free with 0 thoughts of Placing a bet so I know it’s doable. Right now I’m just caught right In The middle of the storm. I know once i see my debt go down and the more days I go g free I will feel a sense of relief and well being. I’ve always been very good at saving money so I know this is just a little bit of a tougher task at hand. I pray you find the strength to continue to stop gambling too man, and we can both Make 2020 a gamble free year and get our lives back on track. Keep pushing forward !!
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thank you for reading. I agree once we stay stopped and we get our minds to a diff place other than the thought of placing a bet, life will get easier. It literally does destroy us as people, we lose who we are and we get so emotionless because of this addiction. It affects our work, our relationships , our quality of life. Once we realize we are powerless over this addiction, and realize the pain it caused us and those around us, we must want to change and get our lives back to normality. Understanding that 100$ takes a few hours to make at a regular job, and we lose 10-50x that amount in a matter of minutes/hours. I need to rewire my brain now because I’ve lost all sense of the value of a $. It will take time, but I’m determined.
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felt like I was writing that myself. I know exactly what you mean and I can realte to every word. The part that hurts me the most is I’ve literally always climbed out of the hole until this time. I’ve always chipped away and slowly gotten out of The mess. This time it was different , it went completely south, I never won anymore.. not even once since my initial relapse in May… roughly 15-17 times after that I never left with 1$.. just more negative in the thousands till im in the position I am now… it just showed me that gambling is pure luck. And I had no luck at all… the question is when do you stop the bleeding? I queskton myself why I didn’t stop it at 5,10,15,20… etc .. because Like you said, as long as I was still gambling.. there was at least a CHANCE, I would win… now there is none.. it hurts me in the same way it hurts you.. but I need to get mad enough to stay stopped. And think of the last 15-18 times I’ve walked out of the casino feeling like i have no soul left.. empty.. not wanting to see my friends or family, work, workout, eat right.. eat at all.. turn to alcohol, drugs, to escape what I did Through gambling.. every time I open mt
bank app.. and see everything is maxed.. that’s what makes me
not want to gamble again.. it sucks but it’s the reality I’ve created, and just like I got. Into this mess.. I have to get out.. I wish you well. Stay strong and keep pushing forward, it can get better.
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Seems like a wave and a roller coaster of emotions. I’m currently looking for full time work so my debt is not even going down much right now. I’ve been sober for 14 days and as I start seeing things with a clearer mind state , I just can’t believe how out of control my gambling got… It’s surreal to think about and I get anxiety if I think this is my reality right now.. how? Why? I just can’t believe it.. but it’s what it is, I must keep going forward and get out of this hole. Still going to counselling once a week, I think it’s helping me a bit , see things from diff perspectives. My ex girl and I have been hanging out a bit, she’s very supportive and cares a lot about me, I worry I’m getting involved too fast since I’m weak and at my lowest point right now, but it’s really nice to have someone special , makes me forget how much of a mess life is right now due to this addiction. Well.: that’s my update basically, have to keep being positive , optimistic, and work hard to get my life back on track. I think I’ll post every 30 days here, hope everyone is going strong and gamble free. Bless
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I can relate. I also have nothing. In fact today I wrote a check to myself. I did need gas, but hey, I wrote it for lots more so I could gamble. There is no money in the account once that check goes through.
What makes it worse is I DID win it. I sat there looking at the amount. Thinking I should cash out and deposit that money so my check doesn’t bounce. I even won some extra to.
Nope. I blew it all.
Makes me sick to my stomach and I was in tears on the drive home.
I am at home and have no money for milk.
I could say I don’t gamble with the money you do, yet that is an excuse on my part – to justify what I have done.
No matter what we both lost. I really do feel for you and me.
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hundreds of times I have been up and not walked, and I think what we need to realize is we truly are powerless over this addiction. no win is big enough, and no loss is big enough, when do we stop? i stopped when I literally had no more money available to take out. If I had access to more, i would have gambled until there was nothing left. I truly don’t even understand it to be honest. I pray you can overcome this, it is truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. God bless
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18 days.. 18 rough days. Still haven’t fully accepted it I guess this is the denial phase. The good news is I start my new construction job on Monday . 50 hours a week should keep me busy. It will show me the value of a dollar again, 25$ per hour of hard labour. I was losing that in .1 seconds gambling. This is going to be a long winter, but I’ll be debt free by April latest if I save my pay cheque’s. 6 months of grind for what I lost in hours. Crazy to think about. Looking forward to chipping away at my debt, but more so I’m looking forward to adding more days to being gamble free. Almost at a month, urges still in waves. But I really want it this time. I never wanna take myself back to that place.. it’s a very scary place. Thanks to everyone who has supported me through this storm, truly I appreciate every single one of you .
Stephen
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I have not gambled in 21 days. I hope this is the 21 days to make or break a habit. Lord knows I been here too many times to *****. Started my new job today. Hard labour construction. Made 200$ in 8 hours of tough work., really makes me learn the value of a dollar again. Keeps me busy and it’ll be nice to see my debts go down as I get paycheques…
Here’s to another gamble free day/week/month/year
I can and I will.
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Hey man i just read the entire thread and could relate way too much to the entire roller coaster you have gone through. I have the exact same problem as you where i lose everything then after finally having access to money again i will end up overspending which triggers me to want to gamble to make it back. And also drinking, every time i go out drinking with friends i tell myself i eill definitely not gamble. But by the end of the night i am trying to find a way to get away from my friends so i can go somewhere to gamble.
Im on day 3 today. All i can say is that we are at the point that no amount won will ever pay back what we have lost. You are down 30k so even if you got lucky and won 5k you would not leave with it. You would look at that 5k as a ticket to make even more money back. You tell yourself beforehand that if you got 5k of your losses back from winning then you would definitely leave, but in reality we would not leave. So there is no point to try make that 5k. It is impossible to make your 30k back now. And if you hit some sort of jackpot for 30k, once again you would not leave. You would start thinking “well now im even, i can try make some extra money for myself before i pay all my debts back” and before you know it, you lost it all again. Our brains are a mess as gamblers. We will only ever leave down, never up. Even if you left up 1 day, you will give it back the next day or even next week. Like they said its dirty money, not our money.
Also a shout out to that meghna person who has been there for you from almost the beginning when you started posting on here. I hope meghna is doing well and i was astounded by the support she was giving you all the way. Such a big story on this thread and i know there is a happy ending to it. Within time you will look back at this thread and say to yourself “i did it, i got through the toughest and darkest time in my life”. You sound like a great guy whos going to make it out on top. These relapses have just been part of your journey and it was the way it was always meant to go. You will realize this one day. Keep your head up man, your struggles will be over, time is on your side.
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thank you for taking the time to read my entire thread. I hope you took something out of it as much as I took out Of your reply. It means A lot. You hit everything right on the head with that post. The reason why I’m not chasing the 30 is because it’s too deep of a hole. I remember like it was yesterday where there wasn’t a 0 in front of that 3, May 14. They always said about chasing losses.. keep chasing and you’ll add 0’s to your current number , give me a few more years and I’ll add a 0 to that 30 if I keep gambling. Like you said even if I got the money back, I would say just say.. because I’ve done it numerous times.. ok I’m even now.. I’ll play smarter, I’ll treat t like a job .. make a couple hundred a day.. ya that fails every time. I am completely powerless over gambling as soon as I place my first bet. truthfully if you told me it could get this bad a few months ago I wouldn’t have believed it… now I see just how much gambling can strip you of.. put you in financial crisis.. play with money that isnt yours.. ruin your mental state.. value of a dollar.. it’s a beast that does not discriminate. I still get major urges.. everyday. But I know I have to be stronger than them and accept the money is gone.. gamble free days mean much more than getting that money back. Because if I got it back, it would put me right back to where I don’t wanna be.. even and convincing my mind it’s ok to start again. I’d rather be where I am now.. flighting this battle and overcoming this, the money will be made back eventually.. the problem has to get fixed more than anything. Megnha and Jen have been a. Huge support for me and evehrone else that’s took the time to read and comment on my journal. It really helps knowing others are going through what we are, because no one around me understands this addiction.. they just don’t get it. This forum has helped me and sometines I read my whole thread again to see the pain it has caused me in just a short 12 months. I’m so determined to make the next 12 months gambke free. And pay off my debt slowly. Congrats on day 3 man. Just keep going, dont look back. relapses are part of this like you said.. but we can beat it through hard work and using resources around us. i drove near the casino to meet a friend today.. of course I had the urge. I didn’t go, that to me is a victory by irself. Keep on fighting… we are stronger than this.. thanks for reading man.
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Yea the entire thread almost sounds like i was the one writing it. The one thing better than listening to a success story, is someone losing everything and then fighting back to come out on top. Nothing more satisfying then seeing someone be at their worst and end up succeeding.
I felt your pain everytime you relapsed and called yourself a failure and loser etc. You are none of those. Its all part of the journey and these failures are whats going to shape you as a man and build character for the rest of your life. A lot of us gamblers need to hit absolute rock bottom before getting better. You are still young so be glad it happened early on and not once you are 60 when it becomes a bit harder to comeback.
Personal training is also a great job, not sure if you are still doing it but you are the motivation for others which shows your character already and what youre capable of. Im staying away from all casinos and bars now, have self excluded from everything online and have given up drinking for a while. It does suck because i imagine you are like me and enjoy drinking with mates now and then but its definitely a trigger for me at the moment. Last time i drank, everything was good was having s fun night and then a few hours later when i was really drunk i ended up telling my mates im going home so i called a taxi then as soon as i left, i told the taxi driver to take me to the bar where i knew were slot machines and lost a whole lot of money. Woke up the next day depressed and angry at myself for even going there but i seemed to be in autopilot.
Youre going to get through this, and so am i. Just patience, time and hard work will get us there. Keep fighting !
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that was deep man. It’s people like you who really get me through these dark times. a good soul with a big hearT that took time out of his day to make someone feel better, the world needs more people like you in it. my relapse after 70 days was exactly like you just descirbed. Got wasted hopped in a cab after friend ditched me.. told him take me to the casino, blacked out lost thousands. Woke up chasing .. it’s terrible and it robs you of all happiness, self worth, etc.
everyday gets a bit easier and once my debt is clear it will be a huge milestone for me, less stress.. but more so I cant wait to have gamble free days in the hundreds.
Thank you again brother. You will get through
this too, I truly believe after reading your words.. you are sincere and genuine, and real nice soul.
much love
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Excuse me if I sound like I know you, as we all have our own triggers and deep seeded reasons for being a cg, but I know that when I am having a stressful day my mind takes me back to those relaxing days, sitting in my house and playing slots online, regaling the joy of the bonus rounds and all of the fun that I have had, and I want to gamble. My mind uses the stress to try to get its fix of dopamine by telling me that gambling was a good way to relax. In fact, it was not. I would be excitable, irritated, secretive, and even paranoid while I played. It was NOT a relaxing time at all, but my mind would tell me that to get me to play. Now, is your mind using the thoughts of your losses to get its fix? Is it tricking you into taking that same road? If you have been down, depressed and travelling a tough road, of course your brain wants some “candy”. It wants to make you feel good. Recognize why you have absolutely no regard for money while you play, but your losses are all you think about all of the time after. Its not about the money. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will recognize your self sabotage and empower yourself to change the cycle. ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY OR YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LET YOURSELF LOSE SO MUCH AT ANY GIVEN TIME. Keep trying to dissect why, limit the hows, think constantly about the last when’s, and you may be able to take charge of the direction you are taking. Keep trying it’s all you can do. Remember, if you dont gamble today, you don’t have to think about your failure tomorrow.
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unfortunately, for me it was not about the dopamine rush after my first big loss in May. I didn’t even enjoy gambling. I gambled to chase my losses. I had anxiety walking into the casino, I wasn’t even excited when I would get a blackjack. i would sweat and get crippling anxiety when the cards were dealt. for me, gambling was not about the dopamine rush or fix anymore, it was about getting the money that I lost back. I’m sure for some and even most it was about the high they got from gambling, I didn’t get that even 1%. I strictly gambled in hopes I could recoup my losses, and I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. So as I do understand where you’re coming from, my situation was not for the thrill of gambling, it was simply being in debt and trying to pay off the money I had gambled that I used from the bank. the urges I have to gamble these days again, are not to feel the high, they are because I am in debt and wish I could just get that money back to pay it off. I do not enjoy gambling one bit. Haven’t enjoyed it since May 14 When I experienced my first real chase. Chased until sept 2 And lost evey penny available to gamble with. I guess I’m a bit different, because I didn’t get any rush from gambling, I actually hated it with a passion.
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Thanks for saying that man. Im young like you too so i feel like i can relate to how you are feeling a lot. What ive also noticed is how its easy to give out advice to other problem gamblers but not follow in the words im saying. I think thats why this site is good though because we can all relate in some way and give out advice and help and help us realize that we have the answers to our problems, its just a matter of putting those words into actions ourselves.
I feel your emotional rollercoaster so much that it made me wish i could help you out in some way. So even being some sort of support in your journey i hope might even help in the slightest would be the least i can do. Us young guys have so much more to experience in life so we really need to knock this problem on the head now. Debt does suck but just have to find ways of enjoying life while you are paying it off. Just think of it like paying off a student loan or a car or something. Its a part of you for the next few years. but hey, in the long run, a few years is nothing. We have decades and decades more to live after those few years.
How exciting is it to think that we are going to look back one day and laugh at how silly we were. Keep your head high and remember your worth. Money isn’t everything in this world. True happiness doesn’t come from what money can buy. Cant wait to hear about your progress as time goes by
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Thanks rk and everyone for the words of encouragement, and motivation for me to continue my gamble free journey.
Just checking in today as I am 1 month gamble free.
I will check back in monthly. I’ll still be reading others threads, and even if I don’t comment always, know I am always reading the forums. Here’s to day 30 gamble free. Will be back at day 60.Onwards and upwards.
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Again. Should have kept going to counselling. Not working right now thought I could come gamble. Won two days in a row.. not much. Came back the third day. Lost it all plus my own. You know how it goes….
Worst part was up today, didn’t walk, again.. you know same story as always as a cg.
Feeling that hangover right now. Here’s to trying again…
Will go back to therapy.Damn!! I’m so sick of relapsing.
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Same old story. Bring x amount today after winning x amount Monday and Tuesday. Win again today. Debate to leave while up.. say no one more shoe. Lose winnings from today plus what I brought, take out more off over draft debit, lose that, go to teller take more, lose that, drive to teller again. And I think this is prob when I realized how bad this got… teller says you’ve already been here twice.. can’t give you more, calls co worker over.. he looks at me like you already nearly maxed out your over draft and cc.. both of them looking at me and was prob the most embarrassing moment I’ve had in years. Two people looking at you basically knowing you have a maxed out cc, maxed out over draft . Maxed out line of credit. Walked out of there thinking wow… I never want to feel this again. Back to therapy tomorrow at 2 pm. Like I said, just when I thought I was at the bottom, I am at a new bottom today.
Insanity. Doing the same thing over and expecting diff results.
Feeling lost to say the least
But I’ve been here too many times. -
I hear you, Stephen. I am also on yet another Day One. I know too well what it is like to “stand naked”like a thief caught red-handed before bank officials who see right through us. Makes us want to vanish into thin air. But (and there are many buts) we get over it and learn to roll with the punches. The one thing I have learned after too many years on this draining game, is that having access to money is the ruination of a compulsive gambler. Apropos “rock bottom”
EVERY ROCK BOTTOM HAS A TRAP DOOR.
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Hang in there man. I had thoughts of going back too recently but just kept re focusing on that feeling of loosing and told myself never again. Don’t beat yourself up for it. It happens. There is more to this life then the things we can’t control. I pray God gives us all strength to keep going and stay away.
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Hang in there man. I had thoughts of going back too recently but just kept re focusing on that feeling of loosing and told myself never again. Don’t beat yourself up for it. It happens. There is more to this life then the things we can’t control. I pray God gives us all strength to keep going and stay away.
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stay strong MurrS7, the relapse is part of recovery, i don’t know what to say but what you have wrote helped me to overcome my gambling urges, reading it gives me the feeling that i am the one who relapsed and it helped me to overcome the gambling urges.
keep reading the posts in this forum each time you feel the urge to gamble it really helpping me and i hope it can help you as well.
I hope you all the best.
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Vera, Matthew, and dark energy. I appreciate the kind words.
I’ve oficially maxed out all available funds to my name. Which worries me when interest and min payments come at the end of the month. Hopefully I have a job to pay those off within 3 weeks. Just finished counselling. Was a tough session.. very down.. lost, know this feeling too well. But this one hurts more because I’ve lost all $ available. I guess that’s what it takes to not gamble anymore ? But what about when I have $ agaib? Will I gamble? I will never understand this addiction, I will never understand why we torture ourself. Over and over and over, when is enough ? When will I not want to feel this low ? I pray one day -
That is literally what it took me to stop over a month ago now. I literally had money for food and that’s it. I have house mortgage to pay for, bills, ect. Had literally no money for anything. I stopped counting days. Stopped thinking about it. Just thankful I’m here. I’m alive. And rest is going to be history. Just can’t be going back to that feeling. Feeling of broken mess. Broke. Sick to the stomach. Ect. That feeling gets played in my head the min. I have gambling thoughts. Stay strong man.
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my problem is the chase, I been chasing my original loss since yesterday . Now I even chased today, after therapy. imagine that .thats when you know you’re fully not in control. So now, I have literally 0$ no credit no overdraft no credit line. It’s all gone. gym membership will come up soon, get declined. interest, will go into negative more? Or get declined. Credit is about to be really screwed up. I don’t even know what to say. Again, I thougt I was at th bottom but like Vera said every bottom has a trap Door. I fell through it again this week. I think maybe a treatment centre is the option..
thanks for your support man.
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Look man. Clearly we have a problem. You have a problem. I have a problem. It’s just what we do. Chase a high. In this situation you need to leave. Leave what you know. Leave the town. Leave the casinos and start a new life. People will say therapy this that but you just need to start a new life and not look back on the past. A lot won’t agree with this but this is what I’m about to do.
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That is what I did in the end. I moved to a new city, where I didn’t have my usual places to go and hide with gambling. Made new friends and was up front about why I had moved. I still kept the support going – I was still in GA so that I knew who I was and why I was doing all this and I started counselling again to get to the bottom of why I was gambling. I still “slipped” a few times but in the end it all came together and I have been gamble free for years.
So yes I would recommend, if you can do it, starting a new life as a non-gambler. I would also recommend that you keep the support in place as much as you can. Moving away from your what you know is not an easy option and you will need as much support as you can get. Go well.
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I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back. -
I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back. -
This is my first day gamble free, again, for the 100th time. Sometimes I don’t even know if I should post. I seem to only re read my thread and others when I relapse, if only once I read the thread when I got the urge, I would see all
The pain, misery, agony, hurt, self destruction, financial stress it has cost me this past 12 month binge. Yesterday was my last time gambling in the morning chasing a hefty loss in the thousands, I don’t like to mention numbers anymore because everyone has a diff number and the loss feels all the same at this point weather it’s hundreds or thousands, I’m in the same pain, although I wish my mind could stop at hundreds. Once again this week I’ve lose it all, but yesterday I tried again to get my original loss back from Wednesday and thankfully security stopped me before I lost my last bit. Actually it was my
Whitesox hat that saved me from losing more, it was the hat I wore in my most recent picture they took of my self ban. If only I had worn that hat on monday. I could have saved myself
This hurt. I was a bit upset, but it’s like I know how to get in. Don’t wear a hat.; wear sunglasses, park across the street. I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t take pictures with hat and no hat. Security said he will put me on high alert list, I told him man I asked to be put on that 50 times!! Why aren’t you guys helping me here, it’s like they don’t care, anyways I know it’s my own fault for sneaking in; it still hurts that I am able to so easily. No one with a self ban should be able to get in the same day 4 times . Anyways ok rambling .
SorryDay 1
Lost
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Monday 2 hours gamble – win Tuesday 1 hour – win Wed 30 min win Win as much as I would make in a month or so in 3.5 h Not good enough. Need to hit big. Lose all winnings, panic. Withdrawal more from atm- lose ATM limit maxed- drive to teller , come back , lose that Drive back to teller, withdraw last funds, lose Drive home- know a friend owes me $- go back at night- lose Lose all available credit, over draft, line of credit Wake up, panicking , manage to get extra line of credit so maxed beyond limit- break even at least on the day so able to put the $ back in bank to have a couple hundred bucks left and get kicked out. Its really been a nightmare, a blur, I went into a trance and once again my mind got Highjacked by this addiction I could have really used that $ to pay off some debt and Stay afloat. It’s funny my posts from May, saying I’m at rock bottom.. nope. Debt has doubled since then, relapsed so many times, here is a new bottom. I’m scared to see what the next bottom is , I need help.
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Why don’t I post when I win? Why only when I lose. Because when I win I don’t feel like I’m doing anything bad. I feel like I have to live in secrecy. When I lose, here I am. Depressed and going on a massive rant and vent. What I should have done after Monday win is post here that I relapsed. No I didn’t, I posted only wed night after I lost it all. Maybe if I posted when I won, I could have been talked some sense into. But only when I lose I feel I relapsed and did something wrong. This mentality is the worst, it’s not right, it’s terrible.
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I know I repeat myself – but I keep saying that if we were to put as much effort into our recovery as we put into our gambling …
From your story of the past week – it certainly seems that you have been putting some effort into your gambling. All those attempts to get past a self-imposed ban! Remember I am not judging you – I am pointing out your behaviour, the same behaviours that I had when I was in action.
Try and seperate yourself from your behaviour. Be gentle with yourself and hard on your gambling mentality. Take some time out – do other things, then when you can see a bit more clearly, sort out the things that you can do to take your recovery to the utmost. How many GA meetings could you get to? Can you sort out even more counselling? Are there on-line meetings that you could attend either here in group or with SMART or some other on-line help perhaps more local to you. Is some sort of residential an option? Are there any person growth groups in your area – for you to look at possible causes for your gambling behaviour?
As Vera put it – Every rock bottom has a trap door. I guess each one has a ladder too – but it takes a lot more effort to climb out. Don’t give up on yourself – if I can stop gambling for years I am sure others can. Be one of them.
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So much truth in that post. this week I have put so much effort into gambling…that’s the addict part of me. Its so easy to get addicted to gambling , and not as easy to get addicted to recovery. What just doesn’t make sense to me in just a week prior I was so happy to be one month g free. I don’t know how 6 days later I can be caught right back in the vicious wrath of gambling. how things can change so quickly , how quality of life can change so quickly from relapsing. how I can be doing well mentally, or better at least, and then boom it comes back around to suck me in. I will def attend ga again this week, as many nights as I can. Weekly councelling is 1 time per week as it’s all I can do Right now since I’m paying out of pocket 150$ per session. No insurance. I really need to separate myself from my behavior . this is the hardest thing for me. I think one of the main reasons I gkabke is free time, and not much money coming in right now. I need to get a job badly. Once I see paycheques come in I can put some toward my debt and feel more at ease and leas stressed out. everyday I wake up I ask myself why, how, how the heck did I take it here. The number one rule should have always been don’t gamble with money that isn’t yours. I don’t know where along the line my brain thought it was ok to use credit? It’s just mind boggling. I went crazy somewhere down the line. I really need to use this as motivation to rebuild. I’m tired of beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself over this. Enough is enough. I need to be mad enough to fix this anyway Possible. thanks for your words and advice steev. sorry I don’t always follow it Nor my own. if I had listened to peoples advice I could have saved a lot of hurt , stress and time, but I guess you have to learn the hard way and lose everything in order to finally change.
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Thanks to for your words. I am hard on both myself and my gambling. I really like how you said be gentle on yourself and hard on my gambling. I want to use that ladder instead of falling into a deeper hole. I truly want to make 2020 gamble free. I need my life back. I miss the old me that never experienced these feelings of addiction and gambling. Gambling also comes with substance abuse for me, so I’m trying to tackle a few things at once which is really tough. I think a treatment centre might be a strong option. As scary as it is to me… I don’t want to waste any more of my life or cut my life Short. I want to come out on top and say I’ve beaten this.
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Referring to gambling ..
I liken it now to looking at a cliff face. There are two possible routes up.
One is hard, beyond our ability but we keep trying and keep falling off, we think it is the quickest way up, we want to try and prove ourselves in some way. On this route we have also hit the ground and hurt ourselves many times.
The other route is more straightforward, lots of attainable moves, there are even some bolts we can clip onto for support. Maybe it is more boring but it still leads to the top.
I finally have realised which route I need to take
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I started this thread on nov 12 2018. Nearly
One year of self destruction. I refuse to make another year like the last one. It has been hell on earth with this evil illness. I am so determined to quit, but I’ve said this many times before. There is only so many times you can hit the ground and want to keep hitting it putting yourself through pain that becomes unbearable. I will not gamble today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. God give me the strength -
Hi MurrS7,
Thank you for your post on my thread.
Recovery is a simple program for complicated people.
Someone I respected very much in recovery once told me that I only need to stop today. Yesterday is history, it is over, there is nothing we can do about it, we cannot change yesterday. Tomorrow is still a mystery, it has not arrive, there is nothing we can do about it. We can only focus on today. When tomorrow arrive, we just repeat what we do today.
Another thing that happen to me all the times, the ending is always the same; more misery because the mood altering substance always lead to uncontrol and more gambling.
(For me to chase away the depression and debt, I have to stop the gambling / to stop the gambling, I have to stop my alcohol use too.)
An 83 years old American gentleman shared with me a few weeks ago that the insanity mentioned in my recovery program is not about what we do after we gamble or drink, the insanity mentioned was referring to placing that first bet or picking up that first drink.
Our solution is a spiritual one. We seek spiritual progress, not perfection. May you find the Higher Power that can help us do what we cannot do for ourselves.
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Thank you for your words Kin. I truly appreciate them. I know it is only once we place our first bet or have that first drink that all falls apart slowly and we self destruct. I refuse to let my addiction overpower me and longer. I am going to beat this day by day with all the resources made available. I wish you the best in your recovery and i Believe we can make it out on top and live a g free life again.
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Like a déjà Vu. I’m so tired of falling and hitting the ground. Although the more I hit the ground the more numb I am. But the pain is deep. This time will be different. This time I will come on here if I get an urge. I will re read my thread and others threads. I will check in weekly. Even daily if I have to for my own sanity. I will not gamble today. And
I will repeat the same behaviour tomorrow and
The day after that. Gambling is a lie. -
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“Please dont think of this as a financial problem, but As a lifestyle and behavioural one.”
“You will sort Things out, but don’t rush. Concentrate on yourself, not on the debts. Take small steps, and remember you can sort out your money, your life, and your peace of mind, but don’t think like a gambler, think like a measured individual who is wise and learning from mistakes.”
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My behaviour is always the same.
Relapse around 30-60 day mark when I feel “normal” again with some money saved away to pay off debts, then relapse and lose all.. vicious cycle continues. I know I need to be positive. But when you relapse so many times you start to really lose hope in this process. I mean, how many times do you want to feel the same pain? Maybe because in my mind I think I won’t feel the pain of a loss, only the joy of a win. The story always ends the same… I will never win. I lose as soon as I place my first bet. I am so just so frustrated. I hope this is the last time. -
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Week 1 gamble free. It’s been a rough one to say the least.they say each relapse teaches you something and you feel some different kind of pain as the previous one. This relapse hit me different. I guess mainly for the fact that I literally took out every available penny of credit left… I had never lost ALL of my available credit until last week. Well, I never thought my mind would allow me to take it that far I guess. I would have actually experienced this back in sept if my bank didn’t allow me to get another 5k on my credit card. Now I realized that the more $ a cg has available to gamble, he or she will eventually gamble it all till they have nothing left. I am still grateful for my family, I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a very solid support system through my family and friends, I have my health, I have resources available for councilling that I attend weekly again. Now I must stick to my guns. I read something here from someone the other day that said… you didn’t lose money, you invested in losing your happiness. Damn, that really hit hard.. literally for the past year I have invested in sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, self hate, financial stress, emotional stress, lost myself as a person. Lost the value of a dollar. I need to start investing in my happiness again because in the big picture, if I got my losses back right now, I would still be unhappy. I am trying to work on becoming happy internally again, it has little to do with money. We think it’s the money, but the gambling was actually just masking my unhappiness because i wouldn’t think of my insecurities and disastrous life while I was in action. Then it hits you ten times as hard once you hit rock bottom financially and also have all of your other demons to battle as well. Sorry for the rant.. I guess it helps me to just vent on here when I’m just lost with everything. Here’s to more gamble free days/months/years.
“Your success is not measured by how high you can climb, but how high you can bounce back when you hit the bottom.”
Thanks to all for your endless support. I appreciate every single one of you.
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…since I gambled too.
The consequences are dire.
Having no money to gamble with brings it’s own reward, though; a relief from all the torture, despite the stress of constantly reliving the wins/losses , projecting figures mentally, calculating debt repayments and asking “why?” a million times….
We have no way to regain that money but we can hope to have our inner peace restored, in time.
Peace of mind is priceless, Stephen.
No money can buy it .
Gambling takes our very souls.
We have to reclaim our sanity.
It’s a great blessing that you have family support.
Gambling is off limits, today and forever. -
Thank you for your reply. I always appreciate your words and I can always relate to everything you’ve ever told me. Gosh, I wish I was able to take your advice, along with many others over the past 12 months. It’s alnost like my addicted brain wouldnt even process it fully and I’d always end up relapsing After some time off. I can’t wait to have my inner peace back, and peace of mind. I know that money is never coming back, and I’m finally realizing the Monet is such a minimal factor in the big picture. We have both felt what it feels like to live a gamble free life, and I know we can again. We are just so caught in this vortex that We forget what it feels like to not have this illness control our very lives. Congrats on 1 week Vera, let’s reinact this same behaviour next week. And the week after that too.
you got this, I got this. We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.
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Sorry I have not been active on here for a bit. I thought I would come in today to share my progress and read some threads. Today is day 33 gamble free. I don’t have any urges to gamble but my debt is still very stressful from my addiction, I have a very loving and supportive family who has helped me in this very dark time and covered a few thousand on my credit cards and line of credit for me(again) they’ve done that a few times before and I’ve gambled their hard earned money away. I just want to update my father has been diagnosed with angina recently (it is where not enough blood is getting to his heart) he had an apt today at the hospital and my mother and father have been there for 9 hours. My father will be spending the night for an angiogram. He might have a blockage in the arteries. I just want to say that we stress so much about this whole money thing, that when a real life scare comes up, we seen to realize that money means nothing without our loved ones and our health. We must really put that in front of all this gambling and money issues. I want to tell you now when I think about gambling. I think about the last time I relapsed. I think of losing my last cent of credit and trying to shuffle over another 500$ off an already maxed out line of credit to try to gamble again for the third time in one day after taking out two cash advances off a credit card at the same bank and being too embarrassed to drive to that same one so drive 25 minutes to a different one not realizing they will be able
To see I’ve already taken out 2 cash advances on the day and every account is maxed out. I think of the two bank employees looking at my account and telling me they can’t give me any more money, I think of the feeling of basically being stripped naked in the streets and thrown into a crowd of people. That was my last relapse, and for this reason, I can’t say I will never gamble again because I know it’s a life long battle, but this is the thought I have, when I think of what gambling did to me. Thanks for listening to my update, and I wish everyone well in their gamble free journey. They say you have to hit the bottom in order to change.. that was my most embarrassing experience in my years of gambling; and it is what I will think of for the rest of my life if I ever have the urge to place another bet. -
33 days without gambling is no mean feat for a compulsive gambler.
Well, done, Stephen!
Keeping the consequences in the forefront of your mind is a good move.
I hope your dad gets the treatment he needs.
When Life brings “real trouble” everything else pales into insignificance.
God bless! -
Thank you for your words, it really is the truth.
The longest I’ve gone in the past year was around 100 days. I usually relapse around the 60 day mark, but I haven’t had an experience like I did the last time. Basically I always had more money available to my name after I relapsed.. I never completely ran out of every available fund. I’ve never had an experience like I did on my last relapse, which makes it different for me this time… I always forgot the pain that gambling brought me once my brain thought I could “gamble for responsibly after some time off” this year has been one from hell. My debts will take me roughly a year to pay off I assume, but that’s nothing to me compared to the years I have ahead of me, I will be 30 in December. I always say I’m glad to have experienced this fairly young and while I didn’t have access to hundreds of thousands. What is a mistake without the lesson right ? I’m very determined this time to live gamble free. Failure is a part of growth. I hope you are well, I always appreciate your support through my journey, it means a lot to have good people in my corner that have gone through the same emotions. God bless you, let’s make 2020 great.
One day at a time. -
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So nice to hear from you and hear your words of encouragement. you have been with me for a lot of this roller coaster and I truly appardciate you more than words can describe. I hope you are well, i Don’t even need to ask if you’re gamble free because I know you are and I truly believe we both reached a point where the thought of gambling literallt makes us sick. Hope the baby is well and your family life is amazing. you are an Amazing person that deserves nothing but love and happiness until your last breath. Sending all of my love and well wishes your way.
“Lifes greatest accomplishments are the ones that at first seem impossible”
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Still going strong. My father goes for open heart surgery on Monday ahd ive been visiting him everyday for the past 2 weeks in the hospital. it’s weird to see your family in the hospital, it really opens my eyes to realize they will not be around forever and we must appreciate them while they are here. no gambling urges at all, starting a new job January 8th so I’m really looking forward to tackling this gambling debt once and for all. Should take me roughly 6-8 months if I am frugel And manage my finances well. ive learned to accept my losses finally… it took me a while and a lot chasing my original 3k which turned to 30k lol. My advice to anyone new here would be do not chase your losses.. it’s actually the one thing I reallt have to preach over and over and over. once you start chasing you seriously lose all logic and the value of a dollar. I learned the hard way and I wish I had truly Listened to those who told me to stop when the hole wasn’t so deep, however I’m glad I relazied it before the debt was so insurmountable that I would need to claim bankruptcy. My head becomes more clear as the gamble free days go on, and the thought of my last relapse makes me almost sick when I think about It. I should probably go back to counselling as I’ve stopped but I would recommend it to anyone trying to find the root of “why” we cg’s gamble. Hope everyone is staying strong and trying their best to finish off 2019 gamble free and make 2020 a gamble free year. Thank you to everyone who has read my journal and been there for me through this roller coaster of emotional and financial damage, you all really helped me get to where I am today.
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I will be thinking about you and your family on Monday and praying for your Dad. I understand this so well. I’ve spent my fair share of time in hospitals. My Dad had cancer 11 years ago, then my Mom just 2 years ago. My niece was born with a defect and had to undergo surgery at just 40 hours old, that was just last year, she spent 3 weeks in the hospital before she got to come home. And now just recently my 93 year old Grandmother had a fall and has been in the hospital for the past 3 weeks. I spend just as much time in hospitals as I do casinos! (haha probably not a funny joke!) – I’m really happy you are gamble free right now and are able to be there with your Dad 100% fully there and not distracted by gambling, although I’m sure the thoughts and remorse are still there. I’m sure being gamble free will be beneficial during this time.
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Just remembered I was in a bad car accident 16 years ago, so there was another month spent in a hospital!
Also just a sidenote after writing all of this, you are 100% right, these experiences make us stronger. Everything we go through makes us who we are. Here is a quote from my favourite band (and I should really take my own advice sometimes!)
Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We’ve all been sorry, we’ve all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are -
Thank you so much for the support and prayers for myself and my family. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that as well. It’s very tough to see our parents ill, I live with a lot of
regret in how I treated them when I was younger. it really makes me appreciate them more. Being gamble free in this time is very important to me for sure, my main focus is seeing my dad get out of the hospital and have a speedy recovery. Thanks again for the message. It really means a lot. And that song quote is so true it really resonated with me. I hope you have a good rest of your weekend gamble free, one day at a time.
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Hello all. I am battling this gambling demon for years and finally post on here after reading many stories on here. Just like you guys my story is pretty much the same. Gambling is ruining our lives but we need to control over it. One step at a time we can do it. I want to encourage everyone who is on recovery is to continue doing so and good luck to those a who are haven’t taking the step to kicking this bad habit.
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I know it isn’t much, but it’s almost the longest I’ve gone in the past 6 months so it means a lot to me. Not so much the number , but I am in a very good place mentally.. without gambling and substance/ alcohol abuse. Those went hand in hand for me , gambling and substances/alcohol. I’m clear minded , I am so determined this time… I feel so strong and I’ve had so much help From all of you here there are too many names to thank. But I truly appreciate every single one of you. My father had his open heart surgery and it went smooth, they were so surprised at his recovery after surgery they sent him home after 2 days instead of 10. I am closer to my family after knowing I could have lost my dad, I am there for my mom and helping out as much as I can. Just a small update. Hope everyone is well, and living gamble free, if I can make it this far, so can each and every one of you battling, it’s never too late. God bless
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As a mother of two sons in your age group, Stephen, I found myself beaming with delight at your post saying you are helping out as much as you can. That will make up a hundred fold for the family stress that gambling/drinking/drugs caused.
All any parent wishes for their children is that they stay on the right road to Salvation.
Thank God your dad is making a good recovery.
Life is fragile and being there for your family is crucial at this time.
53 days is a great achievement.
Stay focused.
I’m on Day 2. -
Thank you for your kind words. You def are right about being there for my parents and also showing them the “me” they truly want to see, sober and abstinent from gambling , becoming happier and happier as the days go on without those demons. life Indeed is very precious and I want to really be present in my families lives without being totally consumed by substances and gambling. I have a clear mind for the first time in I can’t even remember. you are right about staying focused Because I have slipped around the 60 days mark a few times, but for some reason this time feels different, I don’t know how to explain it… before was always still kind of thinking/hoping/ by the grace of god I could recoup my losses with just one more “big win” … I saw it never came and I just made my debt deeper and deeper. This time I have finally accepted the money is gone. I think because I have a great job lined up For January and I am in my third step of the interview process… which gives me some hope that some decent paycheques will be coming in soon so I can watch that debt go down. I also dont obsess over money like I used to when I was gambling. I had that pipe dream of becoming a millionaire from that evil place that I won’t even mention, now after losing all of my finances and going into debt from that place I realize the only way to create financial success is through hard work, patience and time. And that time being gamble free time. I know you can do it too Vera and I am praying for you to beat this with me, every step of the way I will be there to encourage you and support you in any way I can, as you have done that for me time and time again during my 1 year horror binge. Thank you again Vera, it means a lot to me to have the support of good souls like yourself in my corner. Wishing you the best for this holiday season and a happy gsmble free New Years. As they say…
one day at a time.
god bless.
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I had a dream I was at the casino. I have these dreams time and time again, every so often. Well… usually they make me want to gamble and a lot of the times I have gone to gamble after these dreams. My dream was I had gotten to the video roulette and it wouldn’t let me insert my money, of course it hit my number ,7. The number that has won me thousands in the past lol. The machine still wouldn’t allow me to insert any cash and I was furious. The pit boss gave me money to play.. and fixed my machine, before I could insert the money, I woke up. I don’t really know , but I think this is a cool dream. I usually would gamble in my dreams and win or lose, mainly lose, lol. This time I didn’t gamble at all. Anyways just thought I’d share… still going strong, in two days I will be 2 months gamble free. I’m feeling better than I ever have before. Sober from alcohol and substances for over a month, my mind is so clear without these demons. Take care everyone!
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Well sorry I’ve been a little missing in action lately. I wanted to share a quick update. Today is my 30th birthday, and it is sort of bittersweet for me. First off I am grateful that I made it to 30, as I have had far too many near death experiences but clearly I am here still for a reason. I remember when I stopped gambling after my last relapse I went to my calendar and said, If I stop now I will be around 2 months gamble free around my birthday, and here I am 68 days clean. Over one month sober from alcohol and substances also. Last week I lost a friend to a car accident and it made me realize how fragile life is esp after my dad just had his bypass surgery also. I also started counselling again last week which im proud of. It is a bittersweet birthday because I got the job I had been interviewing for, so January I start to make good $ again and pay off my debts, my dad is healthy again, I am mentally at peace in my sobriety, yet I still feel like there is something missing ?? maybe I miss my ex gf and wish things didn’t end the way they did, maybe I am lonely, maybe I am rewiring my brain , but one thing is for certain I will not give up and I will keep pushing forward. I am the author to my book of life and only I can write the ending of it. I hope all is well with everyone and you continue to fight for a gamble free life. All the best for 2020. Best wishes to all
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Happy 30th Birthday, Stephen (O! to be 30 again!!)
Condolences on the tragic death of your friend. Doesn’t it put life in perspective?
Gambling is such a waste of precious time.
I hear you on the “loneliness”.
Gambling fills a void and when we stop, that void remains.
One word of advice/caution from an “old timer”, Stephen.
Don’t look in the wrong places for happiness or fulfillment.
Knowing why we are here on earth will answer all our questions and help to fill our desires.
Be patient! -
thank You Vera for the birthday wishes and the kind words. I am a little bit down on myself as I relapsed on my birthday and got into alcohol again trying to escape my problems of losing my ex again for the 2nd time From my own wrongdoing. I ended up fighting with her while intoxicated through text and phone and said some pretty mean and hurtful stuff, that I regret a lot. Usually I would gamble after something like this happens, but I knew relapsing on substances was bad enough for me and I couldn’t gamble or honestly I would have one more thing to dmaage my mental health. I have had counselling this week and another session tomorrow, I need to find out why I turn to booze and substances when I try to deal with stress and life’s problems, which actually make things 100x worse in the end. The irony is the words of advice you gave me that my addictions overpowered, I went searching for fulfillment and temporary happiness in booze and actually make me more sad, anxuous, depressed .. but its a new day and I can learn from this. Still gamble free, yet still feel like I messed up badly. Life
I hope I figure it out one day.
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In 18 days I will have triple digits gamble free- 100 days.
This is a huge milestone for me as I have not gone this long since I can remember, I’ve completely forgotten about gambling, but not the pain that is caused. That is a scar that will stay with me for life. I am battling lots of demons but gambling is not one of them right now, thankfully. I am grateful for my health, my family, and my new job I will start in January. Paycheques will come in steadily and I will watch my gambling debts go down every two weeks, slowly but surely. I figure it will take about 12 months to clear, but I am just living for today- the present, and I will slowly chip away. Wishing everyone a merry Christmas and a time where we can spend with our loved ones, not worrying about our next bet or how we will get money to buy gifts because it has all gone to the casino. This has been a very tough year but I’m so determined to live the rest of my life gamble free.Wishing everyone the best.
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I read most of your journal man I admire your courage to get back off the ground and dust your self off and choose to live a life free off that habit. It certainly take alot of encouragement and support from those close to you. I am thankful I am gonna stay the course as well like you brother. This is my 18th day treading on this forum and i am thankful for the support and encouragement give by those who understands this addiction and have overcome it. I am thankful to Steev, Vera Jane aka I did It, Craig and ryan. They are following my tread and i am very thankful for those kind words they have given. I am also thankful to explore this website and discover testimonies of those who are struggling and are finding ways of rediscovering their self worth. Your story has really moved those who have followed it. Through the good times and the relapse moods, they have continue to support you. You as well to admit the guilt of going back and gamble again falling further into that trap of the big black hole. To those who given their time and words of wisdom to you on this forum, I have also taken time to apply it and use it also it has certainly help me to feel more and more encourage in my mind to really recover and establish myself in a better person in society for my family who wont see me as a burden. I choose to uplift my self each moment. I am having an attitude of gratitude it goes along way. I am currently on vacation and I am gonna take the time to do alot of self reflections, love myself more and to really observe what are the thoughts that really lead me through this mayhem that i have to face with now. I am GF for 18 days and I have to deal with the mounted debts and a possibility of losing my family. My wife saw that i admitted to having this problem many times and she has decided to continue with the divorce she filed back in October 2019.
Forgive me for rattling on your forum. But I must commend you for your strength at this battle of the mind. Thank you. Continue to keep posting brother. I appreciate your courage. Have a wonderful xmas and A GF 2020!!!
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I apprdciate your kind words and encouragement and for all the help you’ve given me throughout this bumpy journey. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and although life isn’t the greatest at the moment, gambling isn’t in my life to make it worse. Wishing you a merry Christmas, happy New Years. And another gamble free year for you and me. your presence in this forum is never unnoticed and you have helped myself and probably hundreds of others get through some dark times with this addiction.
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Thank you for taking the time to read my thread brother it is truly appreciated and if it helped you in anyway from my posts or the posts of others , that’s what matters the most. I believe we all have it in us to quit, there are some very low bottoms that weve experienced with this demon And one day you just say I’ve had enough.. I don’t want to feel this way for one more second while I’m on this earth. 18 days is great bro and it will only get better. I am so sorry you almost lost your Family and your divorce, these are traumatic experiences which usually cause people to gamble, it is good you are done with that because it only masks the pain(when we win) when we lose it is 100x more painful with our other life issues plus our financial losses… we don’t want to feel this way. It is nice you are on vacation and can do some soul searching brother, it will make you see how beautiful life can be without gambling. I will read your thread tomorrow and give you any advice I can to help you, as you did that for me and I truly appreciate it. Have a very merry Christmas and New Years, and enjoy your vacation.
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“Another lesson: gratitude is the cure for greed. One cannot become consumed by greed when they are grateful for what they already have, or even just for being alive.”
Day 80 gamble free. 100 days is so close I can see it in clear sight.
Happy gamble free New Years to all.
Health is wealth (mental and physical) -
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My brother thank you. truly your words and kindness are very much appreciated. you are the type of person who keeps me on the right track to stay gamble free. Your positivity in this Forum is what we all need man, truly your words can help someone in the darkest time, and that my friend is very special. You too are a great person even having never met you, and I know you will stay on the right track of living happy and gamble free, if you ever get the urge, reach out.. I will try everything I can to help you. i Wish I reached out to people here before I relapsed, instead of After the damage was done over and over. Have a great New Years brother. All The best to you and your loved ones. And to a g free 2020.
love
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Lets celebrate the very awesome life we are living this new moment onwards brother. New year NEW: mindset; Way of thinking; Lifestyle;Thought patterns; freedom to live our renew lives; blessings and importantly Health!!!
Thank you Stephen i am gonna continue treading the type of self worth on the forum. It is the key to break free off that habit. Renewing your mind and rediscover your self worth.
I thank you brother. Stay positive always. Love conquers all. Peace and love bro!
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Thanks for those words I-d-I. Sorry I have been far too busy to Check on the forum the past month or so. I appreciate your words and kindness. Well just thought I would come on here for an update since it has been a bit. I have started my new job on Jan 13 and it is a career that I have no previous experience in so it has all been very overwhelming for me but I am determined to succeed. I have been gamble free for 3 months and 23 days total, and I don’t think of gambling for even one second of my day. The only reminder I have from gambling is when I open up my bank app and see my debt, but ever two weeks I put 75% of my paycheque to my debt, which will have me debt free in around 7-8 months time. Basically I am volunteering at my new job for just under a year due to my gambling addiction. I have also been sober from alcohol and substances for nearly 2 months and that as well is a huge accomplishment for me. With my new job I really have to have a clear mind, or I will not succeed, the workload is far too strenuous. Being gamble free for around 113 days feels .. well.. almost like a relief and a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder… I never thought I would be able to get out of it. Gambling was probably the worse addiction I’ve ever had in my life, because the damage I did to my brain, finances, happiness, was like no other. However I have re wired my brain now and it can only get better from here. My main focus is paying off my debts , staying sober, working out 7 days a week and mastering my new position in my new career. I hope everyone here is well, you won’t be seeing me much because of my new roll and how busy my schedule is but I will leave on this note. Anybody who is facing this addiction and it caught in the wrath right now, it can get better. You can beat this. You will beat this with the proper resources and the right mind set. I am living proof from Someone who lost every penny to their name, maxed out credit cards, lines of credit, overdrafts, lied, ruined relationships… it can all be reversed I promise you that because I am here today a new man than when I was a gambling addict , and that’s just in 113 days. To name a few people who I always have nothing but respect and gratitude for. Meghna(you have helped me become this new man) Jen, Vera, idi, seanraj, Kin, Monica, Ryan. Thank You all from the bottom of my heart and with every ounce of my soul, for helping me through some Of my darkest days here on earth. Take care all, and keep fighting. Love
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I just read most of your story today. It is a lot like mine. It is awesome to see your personal triumph of being over 3 months GF! I am going to use your story as my personal inspiration that it can be done. I have had way too many relapses in the last two years and I started Day One again today as I had a gut-wrenching relapse yesterday where I flushed away the equivalent of a month’s salary. I wish you the best and continued success GF!
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Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it. If I can inspire you to stop and keep going, that is what the meaning of life is, to inspire , to motivate. To help make a change. Trust me I have had too many day 1s to c ount. That feeling of thinking you have beat it, to then tell your brain you will go gamble “smarter” and leave while you’re up… to then losing everything once again. It made me sick to my stomach and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the financial and more so mental damage I had done and am still paying for now. However you need to think of that feeling of losing a montgs salary in a day.. the next time you have an urge to gamble. It is only when we forget that feeling that we think it’s ok to go back to gamble.. dont forget it. 10 years I battled on and off, 1 year was my worst from last sept. Lost everything. Never thought I could stop… only stopped when I literally had access to no more credit… keep going.. have you tried counseilling ? Or ga? I find those helped me and also staying busy.. working lots.. gym.. spend time with loved ones. The worst part of gambling is we miss out on a lot of life… and we can’t get that time back. You can stop and you can stay stopped. I know we all have it in us. Today is my 4 month and 5 day mark gamble free, I want to see you get there too and I know you can, blessings.
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So nice to hear from you. thank you for this message. I have not been around for some time, just busy with life and these crazy times. I miss you and your awesome spirits also! In 3 days I will be 6 months gamble free. It’s pretty crazy to see you messaged me here because the reason I came on here actually was last night I had a dream that I gambled. And I lost. I was so disappointed of my relapse and the dream brought me back to a dark time, I felt that feeling of disparity, self hate, embarrassment, and couldn’t believe it.. jeez was I happy to wake up from that nightmare. It has been a long journey but I have no intentions to ever place a bet as long as I’m on this planet. My job is going amazing, I am with a company that I am able to work from home so I really lucked out. I just approved for my condo and I will be moving out June 1. My debt will be paid off by then .. we’ll 90% of it. in just 6 months I completely did a 180. I have been sober as well for over 3 months. Life could not be any better personally, but the irony is how messed up the world actually is right now. How are you ? how is the newborn and the family? I hope you’re on track and staying Strong. all the best meg. Stay safe.
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Thank you for checking in. Life is great on this end. in 3 days I will be 6 months Gamble free, and the new job is great, I am defiantly excelling in a field I knew nothing about before I started. I don’t think I have read your thread, do you have one? Thank you for checking in. Truly appreciated. Take care and stay safe.
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Really cheered me up hearing how well you are doing and how far you have come. Your energy and positivity will always shine through and it does not surprise me one bit that you are doing very well at work and personally.
Your focus on your recovery and belief in yourself, in improving your life and acknowledging all the right things you are doing, is so inspiring and admirable
it gives me hope that I can and will end the year without attempting to gamble or gamble.
the inner goodness and love within us always wants to do better for ourselves and others. Though sometimes dark actions or poor decisions overpower this.
my family and I are well and in isolation. Baby is due in 8 weeks time and I am looking forward to having more love and beau in the family.
thank you murr for always reaching out and listening. I always felt I was heard even when things were very bad.
always here and listening to your journey x
meg
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thank You so much for your kind words. The feelings are completely mutual and I am so glad we had And have one another support as we were both battling the same demons and it is so amazing to be on the other side of it now. I knew we could do it. A lot of people on this site helped me get through this, but you were that one person who checked in on me daily, encouraged me through my many relapses that everything will be ok and that I would come out on top, and so did you. You are very inspiring and admirable to me as well, don’t ever forget that, without your help… I don’t know if I would be where I am today, I mean that. Im happy to hear about the baby coming .. a brand new beautiful life that you are bringing into this world, and that is very special. I believe you will end this year gamble free, better yet I believe you will never place another bet as well. After what we went through, I think it scarred us enough to have truly learned from this unfathomable experience. I believe in you just like you did for me. Thanks for checking in Meg, and know , that you too.. will always have a true friend in me. Take care of yourself. Sending all my love your way.
Stephen
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Hey,
it was pretty weird seeing this message pop up in my email inbox. It has been so long. I had to go to my sober calendar to see how long it has been since i last gambled. Today marks 11 months and 4 days gamble free. I am doing pretty well. Working from home for my
new job, and trying to stay positive during these hard times. I quit alcohol for 7 months also, but recently I have been drinking more than I should, which I need to change. funnny I don’t even think If gambling , but I am still paying off my debts from the many thousands that I lost. I am happy it has almost been a year, and I really change my life from last year, which I am proud of, I know I have to always have my guard up, but for now I am happy where I am at. Once I pay off my debts, it will be a good feelikg too. I hope you’re well. Please let me know how you’re doing. Thank you again for checking on me- really means a lot. Much love my friend. take care for now.
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Hi Murr?
lovely to hear from you and congratulations on your gf time. Have you considered the zoom meetings? I’ve learnt so much about my addiction since joining them and I now have a sponsor and mentor helping me with my recovery.
I am so pleased for you my friend and wishing you a beautiful life?
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HI there Murr,?
I found this site – looking for answers, hope, and really understanding my compulsive gambling actions. I found your story in the forum, and I read it from the beginning till the end. I read about your actions throughout – feelings, thoughts, struggles, stumbles, and triumphs. I could relate to so much with your writing. I found myself rooting for you throughout, and hoping that it works out because you deserved to be in a happier place. I was ecstatic to read about where you are at now, somewhere I hope to be as well in the future. I just wanted to say thank you for posting your heart and know that it has inspired me to move forward.?
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Well done on your gambel free time Murr.
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nAstrofly, welcome to the forum. You can get a lot of support here. I suggest scrolling to the bottom of the forum, clicking on “New Topic” and starting your own thread. that way you can get proper feedback and support related to your own situation. I look forard to reading it soon and maybe see you in one of the groups here as well. -
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Astrofly,
your words mean a lot to me and I thank you for reading my journal from beginning to end. today marks 365 days gamble free. a lot of emotions coming back to this site, but also a reminder of how bad my addiction got. I am writing this with a very clear mind, and gambling being a distant memory. I never thought I would come this far, and I hope you know that you can do it too. Sometimes we are in so deep, it feels likr there is no hope. I will never forget when I went in to the Bank after maxing out my final 50$ on a 25,000$ credit card, trying to get another 500$ of over draft in front of two bank tellers who looked at me like I was completely naked and told me I have no available funds left. probably laughing at me inside how poor I was, probably one of the most embarrassing moments I my life. At that moment I realized I need to change. I am still paying off that credit card, but being gamble free for one year means more to me than having that card paid off. it will happen As long as I stay focused. Had I kept gambling , that debt probably would be in the hundreds of thousands, I would most likely be homeless And addicted to subtances. I believe you can do it also. You must believe you can as well At whatever it may take: GA, counselling, opening up to family and friends, having someone handle your finances, banning yourself from all sites and casinos; anything it takes. I am living proof you can get out of the hell that ?gambling has caused you, myself, and millions of others. If you ever want to talk, vent, need advice, message me. You will always have a friend in me. remember; money can always be made back, but time gambling , mental anguish and hopelessness, hours spent gambling, missing out on what’s important in life, the things money can’t buy, will never be able to be made back. I’m rooting for you, always. Keep pushing forward, one day at a time. I did it, and so can you. God bless.?
Stephen
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It is with a heavy heart and damaged soul that I have relapsed on gambling after 18 months without one bet. I had gotten my life back and never even thought about gambling. The super bowl came and I don’t know what got into me, I wanted to bet on it. I didn’t even consider it relapsing … it wasn’t the casino games so it wasn’t relapsing .. at least that’s what I convinced myself. I won, and that was the problem as we all know. I started betting on more basketball games, as I have been an nba fan since I was a little boy and again, tried to convince myself this isn’t betting, it’s more strategic since I know sports; not some cards flipping. One night I lost on the basketball, and I saw casino in the sports app… I felt sick.. I opened up blackjack and I relapsed on the casino, I took out 200$ 4 times and lost every single hand. The Chase is on. I’ve always chased; my mind tells me I can get it all back, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I was going to my gf house that night and I was so mad and was in a bad mood, I didn’t want to be miserable around her and tell her I gambled , as she know
I had a bad problem with it. I switched from bj to roulette and won my 800 plus ankther 200$.. all of a sudden I was in a good mood again… phew I could go over and be my happy self.. jeez gambling is such an emotional roller coaster. The next week i would bet on nba games every night, my gf would be mad as she would come over and I would be glued to the tv.. not showing her any attention.. she begged me to stop betting .. I told her yes I will I swear. What I would do is place 2-500$ bets on sports; then go recover my initial bet in the casino , which I did most of the time, so in my mind even if I lost the sports, it’s like I never bet … again.. the mind of a delusional, degenerate , loser gambler. The next few days would get intense, I won 1-2000 3-4 days in a row; I was up around 12k in a week. I was ecstatic .. one night I lost about 3k.. so I started chasing on blackjack. I lost more; then I couldn’t believe what happened .. I went up to 5k in 10 minutes .. I closed the app and told myself go to bed … as I was about to.. I swear I went into a trance.. usually I withdraw the cash so I don’t have access to it that night anymore. This time
I did not, I opened the app back up, and watched the 5k go to 2.56 cents. In under 5 minutes.. I blacked out.. sober… I stood there in disbelief .. asking myself what th F just happened; why steve!! Why!! You never wanted to feel this again; you had profits of 15k for the week… u just lost it all. Then the chase. I had work at 8 am .. I stayed up all-nighter trying to get that 5k back, ajd lost another 6 k of credit . I wanted to throw up. My whole financial situation changed in 1 hour. The next day I had to tell my gf: and my parents; and my sister. My mom cried. I cried. I can’t believe what I did. How? 1.5 years clean!! I nevver wanted to feel this again. You know, gambling makes us liars, thieves, miserable people. My mom gave me 900$ so that my
Account wouldn’t freeze from my car payment. I got home, after telling her I’ll never gamble again, and that’s why I realize I’m powerless over this. I gambled the money she gave me. I then took over draft and gambled that; I then took cash advances and gambled that. I loook at my bank and eveythinf is maxed. How? Why? This can’t be happening. This must be a nightmare: wake me up. The next day I go over to my family and tell my mom I owe a debt and I’m in serious trouble if I don’t pay. She gives me more money.. it was just to gamble. I am so ashamed : I am feeling like a true piece of garbage. My loving mom trying to help me; but just enabling me.. but I can’t tell her what I did. I can’t. I am not a bad person, but gambling is evil and turns me into one. Now being down over 16 k in 3 days. I play again last night ajd manage to take 50$ up to 5000$ in 30 minutes. I cash out right away. Now I’m
Down 10-11k and my mind is telling me just be happy you got 5k back. My gambling mind is telling me get the other 11:( this addiction will kill anyone worse than drugs , alcohol , anything I’ve ever tried before. I am nearly in tears writing this.. I just can’t believe I am going through it again. God bless anyone who read this, anyone struggling, anyone who has had years of sober time just to ruin it all in minutes … I am
Here with you all:( goodbye for now-
Hi murr
I have been on these zooms since mid July 2020 and it has kept me clean to date.
Please give it a chance. You will learn so much about this disease and find much support.
I hope to see you there
Much love
Meg
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Hi Murr,
It’s ok brother, we all make mistakes. Sometimes over and over, which is hard but it happens. I came across your thread several days ago and have read it from beginning to end. You are STILL an inspiration to plenty of people here, because you DID it once – you can do it again! You can quit, pay off your debt and live a gambling free life.
This disease is ridiculously powerful. Never in a million years would I think so many intelligent, well educated and otherwise reasonable people would be “taken over” by this addiction. You used the term “trance”, or something similar. Not the first time I’ve read it… something about gambling poisons the brain, and turns otherwise logical people – destructive.
Anyway, I have never gambled because I have the addictive behavior – I just bring it to the gym. Sounds like you were doing that too. Make that your new addiction, and just know – we are all pulling for you!
God bless you, and may he give you strength…
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Hang in there Steve. It’s almost serendipitous that I saw the notification that you posted this; just today I deleted years’ worth of old emails from my gmail account because I kept getting messages that I was reaching my free 15 GB capacity (Otherwise the update would’ve been lost among 10 thousand other updates)!
I admire your ability to be honest, to come here and admit that you’ve relapsed despite this long thread and recent accolades on your sobriety; that takes SO much courage–more than I have yet to summon. I just want you to know that I feel your pain as I, too, have been wrestling with the gambling monster within in recent months as well. I can relate to every word you said, and I am unfortunately all too familiar with the emotional roller coaster of gambling, and it is absolutely horrific.My story would take a thousand pages, but so much of what I’ve done in the past few weeks is identical to what you’ve described. I’d been clean for a while. I accidentally found where my husband had hidden about $2,500 in cash several weeks ago. It was in one of those fire-proof metal boxes, and he had the key hidden amongst a gigantic key chain with dozens of other keys. Yet still, at first I was fine. Then one day earlier this month, with little reflection at all, I took $700 of that cash to my local casino. I convinced myself I’d be in and out—a quick win, then I’d leave. All along I was lying to myself. I’d attempted the same thing countless times before, and either I was successful in winning but I put it all back before leaving the casino, or I left the casino ahead only to go back a day or two later with the intention of ‘fluffing up’ my winnings, only to lose it all.
This most recent time, I lost the $700 within an hour and a half. Just as you described, I asked myself how the F did this just happen? I SWORE to myself I would be smart this time. I’d walk away from a machine that didn’t hit after 4 or 5 pulls. Yet time after time, there I sat, pressing the fucking “repeat bet” button just ‘one more time’ because I knew the machine was about to hit.
Going to the casino in the first place wasn’t a purely impulsive decision either. Roadblocks had been put in place thanks to my history. I have a gps tracking appd on my phone which my 20 year old son can monitor (my husband doesn’t have the app on his phone since he has an android and we have iphones). I had to disable location sharing and make an excuse for when my son asked why he couldn’t see where I was.I wish I could say I’d come back to reality after losing the $700. But the adrenaline was pumping, along with the self-rage and regret, so I quickly devised a plan B: go back home to retrieve the rest of the money, and tell my 2 college age sons and my husband that I was having a social distancing visit with my best girlfriend. Of course this required making sure my best girlfriend was on board, because my poor husband has been burned so many times by my gambling excuses that I worried he might check up on me.
He didn’t check up, and I pulled off the lie.I also lost all of the money, and my soul.
Having been in this situation before, I knew my husband would check that box of money periodically, but I had no idea if it would be every day or every week, month, or quarter. In desperation I texted my mom and told her everything.
She quickly Zelled me the $1800 I had squandered at the casino. I wish that were the end of this story, but it’s not. Somhow I discovered some stupid Bingo App in the interim, and lost $800 over a week or so on that. So I replaced my husband’s cash with my mother’s cash, but have $800 in credit card charges that I have no way to pay. Most of it was on my personal account, which my husband won’t see, but $100 of it is on an account he will see (which will cause him to suspect that I’ve relapsed and he’ll start looking into everything again—back to square one)?
I feel like a damaged piece of worthless junk, and certainly not worthy of my dear husband’s love, let alone forgiveness. This guilt is eating away at me, slowly but surely.
So why do we keep relapsing? I have my theories: In between that nauseating, hopeless, soul-killing, truly defeated feeling, there’s that thrill we feel when we are winning. The rush that comes with seeing the perfect combo on the slot machine, or the score of the game, or the “25X” symbol on the lottery scratch off–honestly, that rush is pure brain chemistry at its best; it’s no different than pushing a needle in our arm. That’s the feeling we are seeking when we choose to go back to gambling after long sober stretches; and chasing the loss is what keeps us in the viscous cycle.
When we have a strong support system and we keep our psyche busy we’re easily able to resist temptation; we’re cognitively aware that the lows of gambling FAR outweigh the highs, and we fall back on the supports we’ve previously put in place to center us back to reality.So when we have long stretches of freedom followed by periods where we return to the belly of the beast (gambling), I believe it is because we let our support systems go by the wayside. Either we thought we were cured and didn’t feel we needed to stay active in our recover groups, or we had a long stretch of sobriety and slowly got disconnected from our support network to the point that when temptation hit were too embarrassed (or proud) to reach out for help.
The answer, then, now that I’m writing it out like this, is pretty simple: We need to constantly remind ourselves of the hell gambling has caused us. We need to keep our support networks active, and never become complacent in our recovery. Only a true gambler can understand the deep, dark misery of being out of control. So by the same token, only a true gambler can support another true gambler. How can we help each other, especially when that urge makes itself apparent after a long silence? If we can nip it at the bud, and snip the temptation off before the compulsion–and all of its inevitable ‘friends’ like regret, shame, desire for redemption/chasing the loss follow–we would be one step ahead of the game.
I am right there with you Steve, and I don’t want to ever succumb to this horrible addiction. -
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Maybe you missed it.. he recently re-lapsed.
But you know what? Like me, you came here and read his story. The ups and downs, twists and turns and it made YOU (and me!) feel good he beat it for 1.5 years. Scratch that, made me feel GREAT! And Murr, that says a LOT don’t you think? Lots of people here support you, even after many relapses. We all want to see you succeed!
Hang on to that, and know that this recent re-lapse isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it might just be the beginning of being GF – for life. No more guilt, shame, lying etc.. No more sleeping with one eye open, no more dreadful family or GF interactions. That’s the kind of life you deserve.
Go for it!
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Murr, I hope you’re OK. Just know you’re not alone, OK?
I once worked in insurance, we had WorldCom’s disability and managed their 401k plan. I was the disability guy. One day, a woman called me (wrong area), she was crying and asking about her 401k. Before I could tell her she got the wrong guy, she relayed her tragic story – had over a million dollars in her 401k…. all in WorldCom stock. Due to rules in place then, she couldn’t sell it. Was just forced to watch it go down, down, down. After the bankruptcy, it was worth less than 5,000.
A tragic story to be sure, but it illustrates what can happen to anyone with bad judgement. She was 67 and ready to punch out. Then, disaster struck and now she has virtually nothing. My point is, it’s not about winning or losing – life will give us plenty of both.
It’s about playing the hand you’re dealt. You have proven you can make good choices, and we all like and believe in you here. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize today… is a new day!
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I got to admit, I have never been this bad. Yes I have lost in excess of ￡250,000 during my lifetime and no, I am not a high roller or someone who’s got cash to lose. No sir, I am a man who’s best job paid ￡20k a year.
But, you have to take responsibilities and writing about your recent relapse, may of been a way to share your disappointment, but people like me, take what you wrote, and gives me satisfaction that knowing what you have just gone through, could very easily be me. I don’t mean this is in any nasty or troll way and I hope you see that, but knowing your disappointment actually Spurs me on more than before I read this post by yourself. This could of very easily been the other way round. You reading about me going to the casino and playing slots (which is my addiction). Like you, it’s around the same length of time I have been clean, if that’s the correct word.
So take something from this, learn from it and know that you are actually helping other people. We can all read and relate to what you have just done, but you are not alone. 18 months is still a massive achievement, so reset and try and pass that now. You know you can do it, we all know you can do it and draw strength from all of us, who have your back.
So dust yourself down, make sure you can not get to that cash and you go again, back into an individual who is going to beat this. If you feel yourself being tempted, get on here and tell us and hopefully by communicating it stops you. But you know all this, you gotta be strong when it matters.
I wish you continued best wishes.
Stay Safe
Plaza
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While we’d all love an update from Murr, it has to be on his time.
If he has stumbled further, it doesn’t matter. We all stumble, we all lose and we all make mistakes. Murr, if you’re reading this just know we’re all pulling for you, and know deep down you’re a great guy. Someone who went 1.5 years without gambling! That proves you can do it. A recent slip doesn’t negate that fact. Try and resolve to be GF for life – one day at a time.
God bless you Murr..
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Hi all, I am very sorry. It has been a rough 2 weeks. I read everyone’s posts and I appreciate and love you all witg the bottom of my heart. I am powerless over this addiction . I have been gambling every day since I posted, I manage to win all of my money back and more, Just to lose it all again in minutes. I won again today a very large amount and the voice in
My
Head told me keep going, I even told myself if I win I’m cashing out . Ajd indidnr, I kept playing until every cent was gone. I was just bout to clear my debt to 0, 0$ out of debt, from 30k. Basically to say f u gambling and
Never look back. But gambling took control of me . I owe just as much now, I have won and lost over 30k
This week alone. My gf is about to leave me because she says I’m not helping myself but I am powerless over this addiction . There is no logic. There is no common sense: it is never enough, I never know when to walk abd
I have 0 discipline. I am so ashamed. Drijkjfm
Booze and trying to forget how I lost it, won it all back plus some, lose it all again; win most back, then lose it all again. Same story. Asking
Myself what just happened.. it’s a nightmare.. it’s a blurr.. it happen so fast. I’m torn. I haven’t told my parents but rent is coming up, car payment, bills, and every thing is maxed. I have to tell them.: or I will be homeless.. they will never allow that but I don’t know what to do.. what happened to me .. it was all
Good a week ago. I evej. Got it all back abd profit.. I was so happy.. why do I want to feel this way… why do I have no self control.. I’m lost for words . Story of a degenerate gambler .. it’s never enough .. we always want more and the thrill of hitting our bets.. it’s not even about the money it seems .Signing off.. I’ll update soon.. I might have to Get pro help.. before I die .. this will kill me
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Murr,
It’s OK man, we understand. I agree its time to tell the family, as you’ll need their support too (in addition to professional help). If you have a family that’s willing to stand by you, take you in, clothe you, feed you etc. AND you have your health – you have EVERYTHING. Please don’t compound things with the booze, it will only cause you to make more bad choices. Remember this, OK? You lost the battle, not the war.
Big difference
The US took a big hit at Pearl Harbor, something it almost didn’t recover from. Almost.. But look what happened – we turned things around at the battle of Midway. Struck a crippling blow to the Japanese fleet, and went on to drop the big one on Hiroshima/Nagasaki to win the war. I believe 100% you’ll turn this around too. You don’t need this sick, vicious cycle of winning it all, losing it all, winning some back then losing everything (plus some). It’s no way to live, and I hope and pray you take just 1 day at a time and beat this disease – once and for all!
Please keep us posted. I really want to see “Day 1 gF”, “Day 20 gf, Day 90 gf etc). We believe in you Murr!
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Hi Murr,
We are only “powerless over gambling” when we choose to make that first next bet” We can all choose to not gamble, one day at a time.
What will help us make that choice is to choose to take the actions that will make it harder to gamble.
Read back over your thread, you have had a lot of advice. What actions can you take? Have you got excluded from the sites you have been gambling at? Got a blocker to stop you sign up at other sites? Made yourself accountable to your parents and/or g/f so that you can’t gamble secretly? Asked g/f or parents to hold money for you so you can’t access it at all? Been to GA meetings either in person or on zoom?
Your g/f may well leave you. She currently has no reason to trust you. Nor have your parents really. The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that can help rebuild trust.
Keep posting and let us know what positive actions you are taking.
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Hi Murr,
Charles is right, get those barriers up……NOW! Do it now now now.
The war is never won. It’s a daily decision to not gamble. I am always a compulsive gambler, and while it doesn’t define me I am who I am because of it.
You will never win. Because it’s never enough. And that’s just the simple truth. The money is the means.
I know just how viscous this addiction is. I’ve lived it. It will do anything to get you to gamble. Barriers will ensure you can’t.
If you can’t gamble you will start to think about other things. Gambling won’t fill your mind. It won’t have control.
You can get your life back. It’s not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it.
Do it for you. You are so worth it!
Love K xxx -
Hi Murr! It’s been forever since I posted it replied here. I do check in here and their. Anyways… First off well done on your gamble free time. 18 months is amazing. It’s something no one can take back from you. I am so sorry you got caught up in this addiction again. My heart breaks for you. I know you heard it before BUT you did it once you can do it again. Ask yourself two questions.
1.) What did you do to stop for 18 months??
2.) What did you stop doing that you started again??Meghan mentioned a link to road to recovery. I decided to check it out.
It has been such a great help. Thanks Meghan. Please give it a try when you are ready. In the meantime I will be praying for you. -
Hello all,
Thanks for all the love and support and encouragement to stop. You know this addiction is so evil and it’s such a war every day. I have been gambling so much and I had a very big sports win. Got myself completely out of debt .. why couldn’t I stop? Because as mentioned it’s never enough. I lost it all and got it back so many times, with more profit, but just could not stop and win the war. I have enrolled in meetings again, and blocked myself from the sites I used… it’s a nightmare to be honest. I have ruined my relationship with my family, gf, work, mental and physical health. I have turned to alcohol and drugs , sleepless nights, underperformance at work.. lost so much time spending it with my loved ones. Become a liar living a double life to gamble.. for what? Money? Clearly it’s more than that. It’s all gone again, it’s really the hardest time right now.. trying to quit gambling , substances.. at once.. during a pandemic. Haven’t worked out or eaten clean. In weeks. The past 30 days have been living hell.. it feels like years.. so much damage in such a short time. Today is my day one. I can. I wil.. this will kill me. Take care for now . Sorry I don’t update as mhch.. I’m just ashamed of this hell on earth. I hope I make it..
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Thank you guys for the endless support. I am
In meetings twice a week and I have not played casino since Monday. I did place a sports bet on Tuesday but usually I would go to the casino after and gamble all night, I am taking baby steps and taking it day by day. My mind is in a better place. I will continue to fight the good fight and I thank everyone for their love and support. I will not let gambling win. I am
Stronger than gambling. I am on my road to recovery. -
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Hi Murr, well done on getting back here and to your meetings.
I would recommend avoidint those sports bets, they can just keep your addiction ticking over – better to starve it entirely. I used to switch forms of gambling myself, the addiction always followed. That and any small/medium win clearly meant it was “My lucky day” and I’d soon be back gambling as i had before.Keep posting.
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I’ve not played casino since Monday, but placed a sports bet on Tuesday. Seriously, is that ok?
If your gambling problem is so vile, why is it ok to place a bet the day after making it through day one?
I have been following this post since I joined nearly two years ago now and this going to upset probably all of you, but why is no one being harder on Murr. The guy is no where to be seen when he’s got cash after winning life changing amounts of cash, loses it, feels like shit, does the same again, disappears again and all I read is, ohhh we feel for you and you can beat this and share this and share that. No one says, actually Murrs, you want us to feel sorry for you because you have lost it all again. But time and time again, you give updates, leaving everyone thinking if you have topped yourself and all along, you where in the casino winning money that would wipe away all your debts in one go and still have cash left over. The reason you didn’t go to the casino after placing the sports bet on Tuesday is because the sports bet didn’t win. Had it won, you would of gone.
I have said it before, I am not you or been that bad, or maybe I have, but had more will power, I don’t know. But yeah, I have gone without food and spent my last penny and walked home many miles after placing my last cash into a slot. But even after a 41 year addiction, I had the sense to walk away when I won something decent. Ok, so big wins on slots in the U.K. are not big because unless you are in a casino, the highest payouts have been from ￡10 back in the late 80’s to just ￡100 in the here and now in pubs. So I would walk out if I was ever up ￡70 for instance and would only go back when I was short of cash to try and win again. But I can not understand what you are chasing after winning life changing amounts of cash, surely, you have accomplished what you set out to do.
But, I can not carry on reading all the comments about you can beat this or this is so awful to read. No, someone needs to say what most of us are thinking anyway I’m sure. Why has not said anything about Murrs placing a bet on Tuesday the day after being clean for a day, what are you all afraid of? Upsetting Murrs? He’s a grown adult and the way he’s been going is clearly not working, so why not try some hard words instead. Telling him he’s, the strongest person on this forum is Simply not true. Those words are for people who have reached rock bottom and then beaten their addiction and continue to remain gambling free, that’s being the strongest person. I do not even consider myself to be that strong despite kicking a 41 year slot machine addiction which by the way is two years on the 18th April. With no help, although I did join this site to help me when I first stopped. I hate myself for the money I have lost through my lifetime and I still continue to gamble on sports betting but that’s always been in moderation. I could lose a grand in a day on the slots and not bat an eyelid, but place my highest sports bet of just ￡100 and I am a nervous wreck and I can count on two hands how many times I have placed a ￡100 sports bet.
That’s getting away from the reasons for this post. Murrs, you need to dig deep, much deeper than ever before, put a line under that day and go day 1, write daily updates about thoughts and actions you took to stop yourself from gambling. But hey, what do I know. I’m just a nobody who will get criticism about being to hard on you, but hey, I can take it. I have earned the right to say what I have said, if I ever go back on the slots, you’ll be the first to know and I will deserve everything I get.
I won’t say good luck and all that bollox, you know what you have to do, now just do something about it and stop all this oh, I can’t do this without all of your love crap. It’s not worked in the past, so it’s not going to work in the future.
However, I will say, Stay Safe to you all, regardless if you agree with me or not.
Plaza
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Hey plaza thanks for your harsh but realistic comments man. I’m sorry I haven’t posted here every day as I am super busy with work. I hope it doesn’t affect your life in any way by me posting it not- but if you are losing sleep over my Life then my apologies. I am in meetings 2x per week ajd have not gambled in 6 days. I am not looking back and staying busy each day working out, healthy eating, spending time with girlfriend and family more. Things that matter. Life is very busy right now and I’m sorry if I can post everyday. Appreciate all of everyone’s comments , love , and support. Some a bit more blunt and harsh than others. Relapsing is a part of the game and I will never talk down to someone on this forum or tell them to try harder. Especially someone who experiences gambling addiction should relate. Take care all. I’ll post when I can. God bless
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Great to hear from you Murr.
As a compulsive gambler I am in no position to advise or talk down to anyone, you are spot on about that.
As for walking away after “big wins” firstly, for me, they are not big wins as I paid for them in my losses. Secondly, if I could walk away that would mean I have power over this addiction, which clearly I do not.
This is an illness and I have it.
I’m so glad you decided on the meetings Murr. When one solution doesn’t work fully we look at what else can be done to not place a bet just for today.
I am a loser, no matter how much money is involved, because I am a compulsive gambler. It’s a lose lose situation my experience has told me.
Wishing you all the best Murr. You work your recovery in the way that feels right to you and we are always here to support and love you.
The only thing I have to do 100% right in a 24 hour period is not place a bet on anything. No slots, no sports, no raffle. It’s all gambling which I have said No to (just for today)
Peace and love to you and your loved ones
Meg
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Meg,
It
Is always nice to hear from you. And
You are not a loser, you are powerful more than you will ever know. As compulsive
Gamblers we know we can’t talk down to someone, tell them to try harder, tell them love and support can’t help them. Lord knows I got through some of my darkest days with your love and support; and many others on here that gave me the same advise. Someone that doesn’t understand addiction will tell us to “try harder” “just stop” “you know what you need to do” if only it was that simple. This group has helped me beyond words, and although I slipped up, lost, won, won, lost. I’m still fighting another day. I’m always wishing you the best in your recovery, and know I have your back every step of the way. You are worth it, you are loved, and you are strong. Don’t let the words of certain members on here, affect your recovery. I post when I feel I need to, not for others, but for me. Take care and god bless. -
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Hello
All. I’m sorry I didn’t post again this week,
Once again I have lost it all. I am going to go to a 21 day treatment centre. This is too hard to beat with GA alone. I have lost a years salary in a night and now
I owe my friend cuz I used his winnings without telling him. Same old story. Cleared all debt and should have been so grateful. Nope.. lost it all and more.. and owe now..
got no words. God bless . This is evil -
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Thanks guys..
I don’t know what to say. Rehab starts in may.. I’ve maxed out all
My finances again. In the hole for nearly 50k in 3 days.. I haven’t processed it and I can’t stop going deeper.. this monster has full control on me.. I’m losing hope..It’s like money means
Nothing. Anymore… before I would be mad at losing 500$.. then 5000… now add another 0’on. 3 days ago i had
Cleared all debt.. and had savings again. The worst part is.. I am now dead inside.. I can’t eat, sleep; workout. And I am
Not even doing stuff at work. Next I will lose my job. My gf dumped me last night but I’m trying to get her back. She doesn’t understand addiction.. she doesn’t know how
I can go to GA.. talk about Gamblignwitg her and then go right back
To it.. I try to tell her it’s not me.. it’s the addictive part of my Brain. She said it’s an excuse and to just stop. I’ve lost my life. In 72 hours. Just blew out another 10k of credit . It’s hell on earth guys. I wish this upon no one. I hope I make it -
I read this many years ago when I was in the wrath and hell of gambling. 2018. I experienced it then an I experienced it now. And trust me, if I have access to more .. I will lose it all until there is nothing left. Gambling has no bottom…
“You have not hit rock bottom yet. A long term gambler who struggled with addiction once told me: “just when you thought you couldn’t go any lower, a gambling addiction can bring you a new low that you didn’t even know could exist.” The next step is to take out loans and gamble that away. Then begging/borrowing/stealing money to fund your addiction. The pit really is bottomless. If you continue you will lose your family, friends, partner and job. Most importantly, you will lose your sanity and everything good about who you are. True rock bottom awaits should you keep chasing your losses. Stop now before it’s too late.”
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man you should give the control to someone else, you can’t control your money…” the correct word would be WE can’t”.
I think what you are going through now is you have gambled for few days your brain is tired and he needs to rest from this tension and the only way to reach this goal is to lose all your money….so you will not have more money to gamble and your brain can rest…
I realized this cycle in my case, after 3 weeks of day trading I was reaching a similar stage. I was taking meaningless trades my brain was in Auto mode… he was throwing the money just to stop and rest.the only way to break this cycle is to give control to someone else.
if you have any extra money find a way to keep it away from you so your brain will calm down and the urges will reduce…damn, this addiction is the worst thing to could happen to anyone…I hope we can overcome it.
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I’m speechless. You have the will power of a flea. What happened to be being clean for a day just over a week ago, before I let rip?
Murrs my friend, please do not worry about me, or upsetting me with what you are doing. I have my own demons to fight, despite coming up to my 2nd anniversary of being slot free for two years after a 41 year addiction. I still watch the slots via Twitch and I get to watch all the peeps pump $thousands into these slots and lose and it works a treat for me because I think to myself, that could be me losing all that cash.
But it was extremely disappointing to read you blew $50k in a 3 day bender and the last post was correct. If you know you have this addiction, why in gods name do you have access to cash? No wonder your GF left you, you have to see it from her side. No doubt you were not available for the last 3 days whilst out gambling and the to explain where you have been and blown cash that would of bought a brand new car, are you a bit surprised she left you? Think how she feels and think how she will always feel being with an addict. Will she ever be able to trust you, even after the 21 day course in May, no, she will not and so can you blame her? You need to put your heart and soul into this relationship and if you are not prepared to do that, then you still have not reached rock bottom. Until you do reach that bottom, you will always be that addict.
I mean you no harm fella and I am not trolling you either with my post’s. But peeps who know me, know I say it instead of thinking it. I am not one of those who will call you once your back is turned, no, I will call you to your face and this post is the same. You know exactly what you need to do and if you are not prepared to give up your right to your cash to someone you trust, then you are still very interested in gambling.
I will not wish you luck because it means nothing. Only when you have made some progress, will I share my sentiments with you. But I do wish you luck in getting your partner back, that I do sincerely hope you manage, but it may already be to late and you can no way blame her for what you have done.
Stay Safe
Plaza
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Murr
I have been struggling for the last few months and have been trying to get back on track- I feel for you and pray we can all get back on track and get the supports and blocks we need to stop. I hope that inpatient treatment helps you. Take care!!
Plaza- I have no words for someone like you. Your words aren’t even tough love, you are plain mean. The fact that you like to go on twitch and watch people lose thousands gambling tells me all I need to know about what kind of person you are. -
Guys although plaza is very harsh. There is some truth to his post. He’s right. Why aren’t I helping myself? Why arent I handing finances over? Do I blame my gf for leaving? Nope: I would leave me too. I’m about to lose more than $. I lost my mind, my gf, every penny to my name. Will probably lose my job soon. I might have to move back in with my parents. Why didn’t I learn? Because the addict in me didn’t want to stop. I cleared my debt. I was up 60k. I was on cloud nine. I was about to go get my
Dog tomorrow. I have cancelled that. I have nothing left. My visa is maxed (23,500). My line of credit (10,000) , over draft 2500. Owe my friend 16k. Rent coming, car payment. Life is a living hell. When I am asleep, is the only time life is ok. When I wake up, I am living in hell on earth. I need to help myself. I need to make changes, put barriers in place. Because people won’t feel sorry for someone who doesn’t try just 1 thing to change..Why? Because I am an addict. And an addict doesn’t want to make just 1 change, because they he can’t gamble. I thought rock bottom was losing 30k in a summer. Fast forward, 50k in 3 days. I don’t want to accept it. It was at 30k Monday. Last night I miss 1 point on a 5 game parlay to win 75k. Didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, didn’t work. There is not much to live for right now. Rehab is the best bet, but i hope I make it before that time comes, cuz at this rate, I can die any day now. God bless to all.
Love, always.
Stephen
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hey MurrS7. I couldn’t resist but to say some thing after reading your posts. I know it’s really hard on you at the moment and I wish I could do more than just words but words can be powerful and I sincerely hope you will get to see what most of us are telling you. The very first step you need to take right now is give your finances to any one you trust. IF you can’t give it to your parents or share about addiction with them, then try to convince your gf if she is some one who you trust with money and let her know she can have access to your finances. If she really wants to help you, she might accept it. IF not her, then please consider giving it to some one you fully trust.
you keep mentioning about being dead inside but I want to remind you that you are still very much alive and there is hope until you are. Don’t take life for granted man. I understand you are in huge debt but it can be paid off with time. It’s not the end of the world. Focus on keeping your job at the moment. Credit card companies are not holding gun on you to pay all debt at once. I still remember receiving a $20k bill from hospital 6 years ago when I had to be taken to hospital by ambulance in the middle of night. I had severe asthma and allergies of the worst kind back then and I couldn’t breathe at all ( heart rate at 160 at the time when paramedics arrived). they kept me there for 3 days and gave me this huge bill. I had lost all hope. my health was deteriorating and i had this bill. Fast forward 6 years, I’m debt free and my health is much much better now ( I’ve been consistently getting my allergy shots for the last 4-5 years with some gaps in between) the point of the story was to tell you to never ever lose hope because you can change your life with consistency. I am only 5 days GF at the moment but I keep reminding myself one day at a time and focus on what you still have. You have your job, you are alive, you have roof over your head, you have food, you have family and basic necessities in life. We all need help from time to time. There’s no shame in getting help, so I commend you for taking the decision to visit rehab center. you just have to be consistent with this now. Stick to the plan and forget about chasing the loss. Be thankful and grateful to seeing each day in your life. Time will heal your wound. give yourself another chance and please stick to the plan. People here criticized plaza but I don’t think he meant any harm for you. he just seems very upset with you after repetitive mistakes. We all have different personalities with the same gambling addiction ( current or past), so each one of us will have different views but we are all on the same side in the same boat. I hope you will take my advice seriously. I don’t want my progress only, but I want your progress too and I want every one on here to make it to the other side of the tunnel where you have gambling free life. -
Hi Murr,
As far as will power is concerned, there clearly is none. That’s why this is an addiction. Self will run riot. You have to surrender to this addiction. It is more powerful than you and has you licked.If you choose to place even a $1 bet it will destroy you as your experience has shown again and again. You have to accept and surrender to the fact that you are a compulsive gambler. Gambling will beat you every time and it gets progressively worse.
Like you explained that previously it took months to get into 30k debt. This time you had to pay the price of over 50k in just 3 days. This illness gets progressively worse. This is my experience and apparently yours too.
As for Plaza’s advice. The man is still placing bets on sports so is still feeding his addiction. He wrote:
??I hate myself for the money I have lost through my lifetime and I still continue to gamble on sports betting but that’s always been in moderation.??
I am either working on my recovery or working my addiction. I cannot be doing both at the same time. I cannot be clean whilst gambling even $1. A bet is a bet.
Please keep attending GA meetings. You can’t do this on your own my friend.
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If that’s your opinion of me, so be it. But I know 100% I am a good person. I am also not trolling or being unkind, it’s to try and get someone back on track with true words. All this handy pandy remarks telling Murrs he’s doing great and the rest of it, when he is not (in my opinion) is obviously not working. I am mearly telling things how they actually are.
I use twitch and watch peeps play the slots for a reason and that reason is to remind me, that playing the slots is never going to win and it works for you me. I’ve probably been a slot machine addict longer than you’ve been alive and in just 5 days I hit my two year anniversary. But if I failed and said so on here, I would not get upset by someone telling me some hard truths. There’s a an age old saying, do not give what you can not take yourself, that is me and if someone said I was a waste of space for going back on a slot machine, then I would agree with them. I certainly wouldn’t bet upset by it because at the end of the day, we are all on here for a reason and reading through Murrs journey, no one says anything stronger than we are all with you. It’s clearly not working, so why not some honest truths? I am sure I can not be the only one who thinks he could do better and I’m sure Murrs knows he can do better.
I am not here to cause conflict or troll anyone, like I said, we are all here for a reason and we all have the same goal. If my comments upset you, it was not my intention, but I stand by what I wrote and if admin thinks it’s to much, so be it, it was a pleasure over the last two years.
Murrs knows what he’s got to do and a kick up the backside might be what he needs and I’d be the first to congratulate him once he’s kicked this addiction.
If you think I made all that up then you would be wrong. All I did was do the same thing a Dr Now does on a TLC Programme called 600Lbs. If no one knows, it’s about peeps who weigh over 600Lbs and they go to Dr Now to get weight loss surgery via gastric band of sorts, but in order to prove they are willing to diet, they have to lose around 80Lbs over two months. Almost all cases in the first two months, lose either nothing or just a few pounds. Dr Now then gives them a good talking to with some strong words and it works for about 95% of the peeps. In other words, I did not invent the wheel with my remarks……..
Stay Safe y’all & Murrs, you know what you gotta do mate, so let’s do it Huh.
See ya on the other side
Plaza
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@ Meg.
I know what I wrote and at no point have I said I have problems with sports betting. That is not my addiction, slot machines are my addiction. Some will say but it’s still gambling, very true, but considering, I am in bed 23.5 hrs a day, everyday, sleep up to 16 hrs a day everyday. Take enough pain medication to knock out a rhino, can not move without screaming out in pain, I have been like this since 2009 after a back op went Tits up leaving me in the state I find myself today. Do not drink, do not do drugs, do not smoke, lost all my sex drive due to the medication and have not touched my partner in donkeys (years) & I could list all the great side effects that I have to live with on a day to day basis, So,I will be dammed if I am ever going to give up my sports betting which is or has never been a problem.
I have also played poker for the last 20 years, although I had to give that up due to falling asleep constantly. That was never a gambling problem and never will be either. I know my limits, it’s just a pity it took me 41 years to finally know my limits when it came to slots.I could go on and tell you all about my life and you’d be amazed how I’ve never topped myself yet. So I know all about bad luck and the bad hand I was dealt in life and why I started playing slots 41 years ago (43 yrs ago actually now, but not for the last two years). You could even mock my situation and I would not bat an eyelid. It is what it is and I can’t change that. Murrs knows I mean him no harm and thanks to the other peeps who get what I am/was trying to do. It’s appreciated.
Definitely last post, I’ve fell asleep twice typing this.
Plaza
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Murr doesn’t deserve to be flogged on here. You could have made your point a lot more tactfully. He would have understood, everyone else would have too. Not cool Plaza, not cool.
He isn’t perfect by my God, who is. And is there ANYONE that hasn’t relapsed on here? I dunno how many posts I’ve read about people trying to quit, but not a single one can I remember where they DIDN’T relapse. I don’t have this addiction, but you don’t need to have it to understand how powerful it is. That’s the bad news..
The good news is that people HAVE beaten it and turned their lives around. Murr did it once, he can do it again. I for one am in his corner and hoping this inpatient thing will help. It’s clear this addiction is strong, destructive to not just one’s finances and relentless. It never sleeps. Never goes away. Lies in wait until you are most vulnerable, then strikes without warning, takes everything and disappears for awhile.
Not easy fighting a stealthy opponent. Extreme measures required to beat it, and one of those is giving up access to your own money/credit. Would seem to put a stop to things, at least in most cases. If you’re not doing this, you’re not ready to quit IMO..
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Dear Members
Forums are often Emotive with Difference of opinions, Different Views, Different ways of saying the same thing, Some say it as it is (acceptable within reason), some are more supportive and less directional and in most cases its a mixture of opinions and personalities that allows someone to examine their own situation
Can we just remember one thing… this is Murs thread and as such if Murs has an issue he is welcome to either report the post or come and talk to us directly. Please don’t turn Murs thread into a anything else other than designed to support Murs
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Hi Murr,
I’m glad to hear that you have that residential coming up. Don’t let your addiction fill your time between now and then though. You can make your rock bottom NOW. Start putting in place. You think you might need to move in with parents? How about asking them to help you now by looking after the finances?
You are right, an addict doesn’t want to do the thigns that will stop them gambling or make it harder to place that next bet. That doesn’t mean we can’t do those things though. Look aroud the forum, look around the room at your next GA meetings – other addicts who have put things in place. They arent any better than you and you aren’t any worse then them. The addiction will give you all sorts of reasons not to take those action – why not do some of the things that will pi$$ your addictiojn off? Reeally annoy the hell out of it! The advice we dont’t want to hear is generally the best advice.
That residential will come but don’t right off the time between now and then. The residential isn’t a magic want though, it will give you a lot of tools and strategies. I daresay that one of those strategies will be to not have such easy access to gambling funds – if you think you will act on it then whats stopping you now?
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Thanks for the posts guys. I almost feel ashamed to post here now
To be honest after the last posts. I don’t think I have much to say any more. I lost everything and most likely be kicked out of my
Condo next month, and lose my car. Bills coming in and getting declined from my
Cards because there is no available funds. All
I can say. Is it’s a living nightmare and hell on earth. And I wish I could “just stop” or “not make the same mistake” but it’s a monster. All
It
Took was 2 weeks to be on top
Of
The world… to losing everything and not having food to eat and having to go bankrupt. Take care guys. It’s a broken record now
and I am losing the battle -
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Thanks guys. Today I didn’t gamble, it’s the first day I didn’t bet in a couple weeks… honestly.. only because I had 0 left .. I would always scrounge around some cash to bet but today I did not find any. Sad reality but I feel like one day is better than none even if it was becxayse I literally
Couldn’t bet. Had one on one counselling today. I got a puppy and I think he will be my saviour. The same friend I lost all of his $ on my account bought me the dog… incredible he didn’t want to kill
Me instead want to help me…
I still have major cravings .. also battling substances too.. now the borders closed because of COVID so I can’t see my gf anymore. I think my dog will really help me get through this hell on earth. Tomorrow is day 2. I have such a long road ahead. I might do consumer proposal. The roller coaster of gambling is insane, I keep replaying it over and over. Why did I blow out all that $ on blackjack… the place and game that ruined my life 100x. Felt the same pain 1000x and it’s almost like I enjoy pain. Sports betting at least I was winning … there was more strategy.. but some how I threw it all away on blackjack . I can’t comprehend this. I was so scared to place more than 1000$ per night on sports.. yet I would be ok blowing 30k ina night on cards, I would literally have to lose 30 days in a row on sports to lose what I lose in blackjack in 1 hour.. where is the sense? Where is the logic? Why go back to the place that robbed me of everything. Sorry for venting .. I just can’t process what I have done. It’s INSANITY!! Odds of casino are build to win.. sports at least I was picking good teams vs bad teams: I know it all gambling but at least be smart if you’re going to gamble. I guess I needed this because the sports would just keep fueling my addiction and now I literally can’t bet on anything cuz I’m wiped clean: this is a sign.. this is what needed to happen to learn. This is the rock Bottom I never thought I could reach. And I know there is a further bottom than this. That’s the scariest part. A true monster. A true evil. Lord pray for everyone’s soul. -
Hi Murrs7,
it’s good to see you posting. I can share with you that I used to be a sports bettor. the odds kills and not only the odds. But it is the gambling addiction. We have to accept and embrace the fact that every forms of events as long as it’s gambling. It will be never ending destruction path way.
I hope you can pick yourself up. Find help and ways which I believe you had done it before but to be ever stronger this time around.
Hang in there buddy. Don’t give up!
I hope to continue to hear from you.
Sunny
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Hi Murr,
Count me as another person rooting for you and hoping you’ll keep us updated. The honesty you’ve shared is phenomenal, and I think that’s key to beating this addiction. Your 18 months GF streak is PROOF you have what it takes to beat this. There isn’t a person here who hasn’t stumbled along the way. In fact, I think its a necessary part of the process. You get knocked down, but then get right back up!
Block/forget about the negative people in your life and associate with positive, well meaning people who want the best for you. There are many here, so I hope you’ll take advantage…
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Hey Murr
I’m in your corner buddy. We have all been exactly where you are and if you can pick yourself up you will feel better. I am 3 months free and I can honestly say even though I have immense debt I am happy. 3 months ago in the grips of it I wanted to take my life as I thought it was the only way out. I am almost 70 thousand in debt and I have a smile on my face today.
I as well played sports betting and to be honest I was like you I thought I was good at it. I won 50k in one day doing it, the sad thing is we have a problem and always dump it back in and that kills us. I have honestly bailed myself out of the debt 10 times and can never walk away. As soon as I have a bad loss at sports betting I also end up playing cards or pretty much betting on anything I can. I remember one time telling my Gf I needed to take a bath in the middle of the night so I could watch the score on a game played over seas that I have never even heard of. The lies, man I wish I never heard of gambling 15 years ago because it has stolen my sole for this long.
Stay strong man and it can get better if you choose.
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Hey guys thanks for the messages. Sorry
It’s been a really long week at work. I did GA last week for th first time again. It’s just hard to accept I guess, that I’m back at a new rock bottom. It’s just such a monster and I have no compassion for myself.. I’m very hard on myself for what I did. Had counselling again today, she tries to explain I have a mental
Illness but I feel like there was so manh things I could have done to prevent losing it all again. Anyways. Haven’t gambled since Friday. Urges are insane but I have 0$ now.. feel terrible I placed a huge bet with the books and it lost, my friend ajd I a lot., and now he is on me for the cash. I feel teeeible cuz I told him the team to win.. they were up huge ajd lost last Second. Gambling is sick. New job interview this Thursday so I can make more $. Banned from the sites I was using indefinitely .. need my life back.. in the hole for 75k. To bank, bookies, family. Might do consumer proposal. This disease is so progressive and I never thought
This would be my life again at 31. Did it at 18,19,29,24,26,28.. 2 years clean almost and did it again at 31. Man I’m
Tired, sick.. sick and tired of this feeling. Never thought it would Happen again. I’m no expecting to gambling .. I am a statistic .. this is how everyone’s story ends.. if it wasn’t, none of us would be here right, we’d all
Be milllonaires. Much love to all. One day at a time.. longest I have gone without gambling in months. Day 3.. still feel like I’m dead inside. But I know it gets better in time. Prayers for all. Love all -
Wow, that’s a terrible predicament to be in. I feel really bad for you Murr, but hey – you are young! You can still mess up at 31 and have time to turn things around. Start saving for retirement the second you have those debts re-paid. Even a 1 year difference can be huge, so the earlier you start the better due to compound interest. You know how it works against you when you have credit card debt? It can also work FOR you once you start saving/investing. Look at it that way.. Instead of owing $75,000 you could have that in a Roth IRA for your future!
YOu did it once, you can do it again!
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Me again, you know, the guy who gets slated for speaking harsh instead of the softly softly time after time.
I’m not here to make enemies that was never my intention and Murrs, you know that anyway. It’s just those that feel I was being to hard on you or I was a troll, yeah whatever people. It’s my last post anyway Murrs, like admin said, this is your thread and it should remain that way.I do read all the replies and I do still follow your journey, but you say it yourself. The only reason you are not gambling is because you have zero cash or credit. I still feel, you think you can win enough to get out of this mess and will continue to do so or die trying (figure of speech people). It’s been said before and not by just me, which makes a change, but until you give someone you trust, be that your girlfriend, or puppy guy (although you owing him cash that might not be a good idea), but someone you know and trust and give them your bank cards, so you have zero chance of trying to gamble hoping to win this cash back. Until you are at that stage, you know and I know, you will forever gamble. But only you can admit when that time is right, no one else.
I ain’t a bad guy, I never was and if anyone knew what my life is currently like, I can guarantee you’d all take back what you think of me. I was lucky, wow lucky, yeah right but ok, I had a 41 yr addiction and for 40 yrs & 364 days I said, no I did not have an addiction. Murrs, you know you have that addiction and you know until you hand over your finances for a long period of time maybe for years, you will always be that risk again and it will not matter if you go 2 yrs clean again, that temptation will ALWAYS be there. You’ve just got to admit that Murrs and money do NOT go hand in hand and should NEVER again go together. That’s how you beat this my friend.
Murrs, this is it man. I wish you all the love in the world fella & I wish you all the luck in the world in getting your life back and for good. Put a line under today and when you wake up the next day, start to live your life again but only if you do what you gotta do.
Stay Safe Murrs & anyone else who reads this thread. You all have big hearts ??
Plaza has left da building.
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Hey MurrS7,
First, I want to say this is honestly one of the best journal pieces I have ever read on gambling addiction.
You are so transparent and descriptive with your storytelling.
For someone like me who was clean for several months (roughly around a year) and relapsed about 2 to 3 weeks ago into last week and has been battling urges ever since, this is exactly what I needed to read.
I’ve been gambling throughout my entire life with spurts of clean time and I am trying my best to kick the bad addiction completely. People who have not been in the grips of this addiction would not understand or be able to empathize with the honest journaling you have shared here.
I need to finally get it through my head that that money is gone and need to get it through to my head that getting it back through gambling is a non-existent concept, and I need to understand this every day for the rest of my life no matter how many months or years I have been clean, because this is an addiction that one can relapse in at any moment if they are not careful.
I want to thank you for your transparency and being so open about your battle in such great detail. I have literally been battling this addiction throughout my entire life so I completely understand every single thing you wrote and the thought processes that come with chasing, being up, being down, losing it all, feeling sick, wanting to give up on life, etc.
With that being said, I am roughly around the same age as you and am also dealing with massive debt, bad credit, and not much to show (financially or monetarily) for everything I have worked for up to this point, but I will say that life is not over for either of us. We can both beat this addiction and have a brighter future. Understand that there are people who are much older than us who have never opened up on a gambling forum site, who have never been to a GA Meeting, who have never admitted they have a problem, and they wait until their last days to submit to this admitting they have a problem (these people will often tell you they wish they addressed their gambling addiction way earlier in life). You and I have started earlier. We can quit for good today. As one of the elders says, we don’t lose our clean days even when we relapse, but more importantly than that, we take things one day at a time and fight to not gamble for that day and eventually the days will add up and our desire to gamble will slowly decrease as we focus on other things in life such as our health, careers, relationships, well-being, etc.
I want to repeat once again that people who have not experienced being in the grips of this addiction will not understand, so it is important for us to not focus on the negative things they have to say, as it may come from a judgmental perspective rather than an empathetic one. With that being said, there are several people (and there needs to be more) who have experienced and beat this addiction who can offer us some great advice and some great input to help us also beat this addiction.
I am rooting for you MurrS7 as I am rooting for myself. May God bless us and free us from this very truly sick sick addiction.
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I hope you guys make it, really do. Especially Murr, who I’m very worried about right now. We haven’t heard from him in at least a month. His story is very compelling, and I want it to have a happy ending, not see him tortured by this terrible disease. If memory serves, he ran out of money to gamble which while it isn’t ideal, may have helped.
People are so much more than their gambling problem. Murr could be any one of us. In fact, it seems he is…
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Hello all,
Sorry I have not been able to access internet as I have been away. To be transparent with everyone I am also battling a drug addiction as well as gambling. Wewinwhenwedontplay I just want to say that post really means more to me than you know. When I am feeling like an outcast and so alone , it is posts like that that keep me going. I filed a consumer proposal and I have been gambling until yesterday. I was prescribed Wellbutrin and I have been on it for 5 days now. Today I woke up, with a different outlook on life. My mom bought be supplements and I have started my workout routine again. I just want to say without my family and girlfriend, I would have likely killed myself by now, been a homeless drug addict, or been in jail. These last two months have shown me that gambling truly has no bottom. From dining at 5 star restaurants, drinking the finest spirits, to fast forward 1.5 months and losing my Mercedes, having to take a leave of absence, losing my condo, nearly losing my gf, and contemplated suicide many times. I read a post of online gambling when I was in the wrath of it in 2019
Ajd someone said to never ever open that can of worms. I did and it ruined my life. I won, lost, won it all back, lost it again, won it all back, literally cleared my debt through gambling, had lots of savings again. Then lost everything. People used to tell me it’s not about the money ajd I never got it. Of course it’s about the money. I want to get rich! Now I see. It truly isn’t. Gambling is an escape. Every time something bad happened to me, fight witg gf, stress at work, fight with fam, I always went to gamble. Even if I won 20k.. I wouldn’t stop till it’s all gone. Because once I stopped.. then I’m back to my reality.. that’s why I couldn’t stop. It all makes sense now. Gambling is not about the money. It’s about escaping our reality because when we are in action, nothing else matters. Guys thank you for all your support. I have lost 6 figures, I have lost my car I worked so hard to get. My condo, my happiness.. my joy for life… but I have just a little
Bit of hope. Through the grace of god, my family, my gf, my friends, GA, and this group. I am fighting to see one more day. Just for today. I wilk not gamble , I will not use, I will not drink. I am not my addiction. I am Stephen Murray. I am a good
Person. As I am in tears writing this. Gambling has stolen everything that made me who I am. 13 year’s of my life gone to gambling. The lies, the secrecy. The emptiness, the time lost, the time lost with my loved ones, the broken relationships, the lost trust. Today it ends. Today I say. F U C K you gambling. I am stronger than you DEVIL. I will beat this with every ounce of my heart and soul. If anyone is doing thorough this addiction. Please don’t let it get to this point. Please save yourself. I love you all. I thank you all . I pray for you all, I pray for me. I will fight till the death. And if this happens to kill
Me. I gave it all I had. Goodbye for now -
Hey MurrS7,
Once again I appreciate you for being so transparent with your situation. I have also relapsed (as I shared earlier in this thread) and caused a huge disaster in just a matter of days. I am currently dealing with that, health complications, and housing complications.
With that being said, I would like to challenge you and I to stay clean for a full year. I want to challenge you (and myself) to stay clean for a year, focus on our health, and acquire funds through work and not gambling. I have a strong feeling and confidence that if we both are able to stay clean for a year and focus on the above, many of our current problems will go away.
Please stay focused and remember that each day we do not gamble is a winning day. We shall focus on our health, our goals, and earning money the honest way without risking losing it. Be well.
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Hello everyone
I hope you are all well remarkable quotes l have read Mr Murray what a fighter it’s never too late my friends to give6it’s taken me 30yrs to get where l am now.10 of those 30yrs where spent gamble free not one relapse moved country with hope and aspirations to make a better life for me and my family.Mr Murray it is a struggle as you get older it gets even harder you realize you don’t have much time for change.My selfish behaviour has destroyed me because l now have 3children losing them is unbearable l have just been accepted into Gordon moody residential treatment center i am living in Belgium l am from London originally the10yrs that l have spent here7of those yrs have been great the past 3yrs has seen my life deteriorates to a level where l am about to lose everything.
I start from 0 again at the age of51 i am apprehensive scared and feel such a fool l did not do something about this horrible gut wrenching addiction before.we don’t hurt just ourselves we hurt our families our friends l am crying and bleeding inside having to leave my family and move back to the u.k to try and regain my life mentally and spiritually.l have not gambled for3weeks now l am looking forward to living back to the u.k l know it won’t be easy starting from zero again but l have confidence in my self to over come this and become the loving father and husband that l used to be l was never perfect l have mental disorders that l have to work on as well l feel cold hearted and mind has always been wondering about how if l did get the big win all my problems will be over it never happens.so l say to us all this disease is dangerous beware we cannot dip in and out when we want.Inshallah God willing we have to regain control of our lives again.
God bless us all.
Chahed -
Murr….. Stephen… how are you holding up?
I can’t help but to have been thinking about you.. constantly the last 4-5days. I read all 32pages of this thread since then … a couple times actually, because it hit home so hard.We are all the same person- consumed by the overpowering monster, that has taken a grip of us all. I strongly believe that is why no one here wants to give you some tough love as a couple have suggested … we know the pain too well, and can’t blame you for something we have done hundreds of times to ourselves.
Never met a gambler who doesn’t hide everything, until I found this thread. Your story of the last 18months has brought comfort to many, myself included.. because it shows we all suffer with the same demon. It was like- wow, this person is me …. I know what it’s like all too well, to get my money back after several withdrawals .. only to give that all back, and return straight back to the atm. Sickening. I’m still upset. But after these last 32 pages … thanks to you…. I feel like I’m sincerely done. It’s a never ending a cycle- and whether we “win or lose”- we still lost…. and will lose more and more and until we surrender. What scares me is that, like all gamblers.. we feel like we can go back, once we get a grip back on our minds and finances- and at least give ourself a chance to hit that big one, and get everything back.
But that is completely missing the boat. God doesn’t want this life for us. What’s weird is that we don’t want this life for us either- yet, we still make that drive back hoping to hit that one hand, or one number.
When in reality- life is ok with what we have. I was trying to win a certain amount all week- but if I stopped at any point, that would have been more than enough to meet all my needs. Why did I want more? Now I can’t even meet those needs.. like rent, and bills, and the watch and computer I pawned .. and have brought an incredible amount of self inflicted, unnecessary stress into my life.So, like you- I have made a timeline for myself, and figure I will be ok when that day comes… AS LONG as I stick to my budget, and DO NOT GAMBLE..
I don’t want to make that number of days/months/ years for me any larger than what it is … and will accept that what’s gone is gone. It’s time to try and make it in this world… taking any possibility of a “jackpot” out of the equation. And that’s ok…. it really is!Plus, you never know how God is going to bless you…. we have to stop trying to control that “blessing” and try to win it in the form of casino chips. Because … you never know when how something great is coming …. so we just need to live a good life, and give ourselves the opportunity for the universe to bring that to us … as opposed to trying to get it on our own.
Like you, all I could think about are the losses .. and that only makes it certain that we go back and chase. But the solution is to let it go … and surrender.
I will be turning 43 this month.. look at all the people on this thread that have 10, 20, 30yrs on you … look at yourself when you originally posted at 28yrs old. You went 18months at one point. I remember reading you almost had 6 clients at work- you were focused, and sounded great.
Do you see what gambling will only continue to rob us of?
Do you see how valuable time is…
Are you understanding the mental anguish, that makes no amount worth this?I hope so.
We have to surrender.
We can’t think about our losses, and hold on to that belief that one hand, or one number will save us ….The money we ‘won’ is gone.
It was never ours, and it’s not how you live an honest life.I’m on Day 3 Stephen …
we have all slipped and relapsed so many times. I don’t want to look back in 1yr and say- “D A M N IT!!! Why didn’t I stop on June 2nd.. my life would be so great right now if I did!” Everyone on this thread …. we have to make a firm stand.It starts now, Stephen …
and more importantly than anything else-
It literally is ONE DAY AT A TIME.Let’s all do it together …
God doesn’t want this life for us.
It’s time to let that old life go. -
also…. what great support you’ve found in here. All wonderful people who are fighting the same battle. I have read every single one of your comments to Murr, and really have found comfort in each and every one of your stories …
I want to comment on so many names in here- all positive and encouraging ..
But this is Murr’s thread. So all I will say is- Plaza is very correct about you having WAY TOO MUCH access to money.
Way too much right now. You can not be trusted Murr… at least not without a hell of a lot more work and clean time …I don’t think anyone here with a minimum 4-6months time clean at least, can be trusted with access to cash. No way ….. me in particular. It’s too tempting ….
why do you give yourself that opportunity????Just like self banning from the casino….
I did that too, Murr…. the lifetime one! Many years ago ….
did it stop me? Hell no.The only time I am assured to stop is when the money is gone. Like… really gone….. meaning, not only what you really have …… but like after all the resources are sucked up too (ie: payday loans, credit card advances, overdraft, borrowing from friends/family, cashing out 401K, behind on rent/bills etc etc etc). That is the only time I am personally ASSURED to stop …
and that’s ok- because at least I’m not gambling.
Say I had 700 credit today as opposed to 500-
And got a $10K credit card/installment loan.. far more than enough to chase a little, right?How good do you think I would feel 3weeks from now … with my current situation, compounded by this additional $10K credit line/installment loan that is MAXED OUT/ZERO BALANCE??
Not great at all.I’m glad I have absolutely zero dollars to my name (overdrawn actually .. bills/rent due, and absolutely no lender/friend/family member to apply/ask for money …..
I’m glad because I would just gamble it away- giving myself “at least a chance” to “win” my money back …..No thank you.
I need to be ASSURED that I can not gamble right now.Murr.. you need to be ASSURED that you can not gamble anymore for a while …
Plaza is right.
You have always had way too much access to money. You need to give that liberty up, and I would suggest you give that ability to your parents …
they have been great and have stood by you, and want to see you get your life back ..
Involve them with this.
Have them pay your bills, and give you an allowance ..
Tell them how much money you have access to through your credit line, and multiple other resources you find …..Like you are with us-
be transparent with them about how much you make, who and how much you owe, and where and how much access to cash you have …
Be honest with them.
Let them help you with this.
Make that decision to at least assure yourself your going in the right direction, to get your life back….
Get that momentum going, build off it … and allow the universe to show you a whole new beautiful world …Stop the bleeding.
You’re young Murr.
You know all too well- how quickly and dramatically your life can get even WORSE- than the current ‘rock bottom’ you’re at today.Very difficult to get $75K (?) back in one shot … right?
I know it’s possible …
but that would take a BIG bet, and an incredible amount of luck, right?Well.. do you feel THAT lucky?
Possible to won $5K back right?
I know …
maybe even $10K!
That would be a nice chunk… at least a good start to your $75K debt, right?Tell me this Murr….
would you be happy with $10K for the rest of your life, knowing that’s a great start to tackle your debt …or would you eventually (if not immediately) go back, and try to turn that $10K into $75k?
Heck.. if you got to $75K…. this WHOLE thread …. ALL this pain, and time, and anguish would be worth it, right?Murr it has to stop.
I promise you.. even if you one day MIRACULOUSLY get to $75K (because you are convinced that’s what you want, and that will solve everything) … you will not quit.
And in the back of your mind, you will think‘hell I got back from $75K once- I WILL NEVER let it get to that point again, I’ll be careful this time. Now it’s my chance to be up…..! ‘
You wanted to be a millionaire, right?
Or at least rich..Would you feel ‘rich’, if you “best case scenario” miraculously got your $75K back?
Or would your appetite for big wins just have increased .. along with your comfort level to make even bigger bets now (especially if you were down).How much more can your heart/ soul take?
Do you keep going back just so you can wipe that $75K mess you made, clear… or at least a big chunk of it?It’s gone Murr.
The $75K is gone.
And if you win $5-$10K… that will be gone eventually too, trying to get to $75K.
And if you MIRACULOUSLY get to $75K, with what little you have left …
well that $75K will eventually be lost too.It’s never enough Murr.
Maybe all of our biggest weakness, that we don’t realize.
It’s never enough Murr…..(I was FINALLY up, and in such a GREAT place… ZERO reason to gamble anymore, I did it! But I went back …. because it was simply not enough.)
It’s time Murr.
Stop going back.
You paid for a PHD in gambling…
you do not need any more education.
Consider it a GREAT DEAL for $75K…. -
So I read Murray’s thread from start to finish and it actually kept me from driving the 50 miles back to the casino to chases my losses last night. Monday I won $1000 on a scratch ticket and on Tuesday I cashed it in and went to the casino. I then won 2000 more and left the casino with 2948 in my pocket. I managed to hold on to that until Friday, when I went in and lost it all. I think the hardest part for me is that I prayed for God to give me financial prosperity and then I threw it away, so in essence I’m worried that God no longer will send good things my way. The few days I had the money I was so on edge. Anyhow, thanks for letting me join.
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Hi Dev,
Wow it had been a while. What’s ironic is my great friend passed away on July 7,2007. (7/7/7)
So I know he is checking up on me through you after reading your username. I am 30 days gamble free , and 42 days sober. No alcohol, drugs, caffeine , or sugar. I have just started a new role in insurance and I am also single again. I can say this is the happiest I have been in many years because I have no triggers to gamble or use. I have started therapy again and that is helping me maintain my sobriety and abstinence. I started reading a book called atomic habits and I have learned that in order to quit a bad habit you must associate it with something very unnatractive. So for me when I think of gambling, or substances, I think of disgust, sickening, and that’s not me. I don’t say, I don’t gamble anymore or use /drink anymore; I say- I am not a gambler, I am not a drinker. I have even been to parties with people using and drinking and turned it down. This is a life long battle and I take it one day at a time. Thank you for the message, it feels good to talk about how far I have come. 35 days ago I was fighting for my life, not sure if I would survive another day whether it be an over dose, or taking my own life. By the grace of god I am here, and I will inspire many with my story.. as long as you have hope, just a little bit of hope.. you can make it out of the hell hole of addiction. Love you all. God bless. -
Hello friend,
I am so sorry I didn’t reply to this, I didn’t even see it until now. I thank you
For all the positive words and commend you for opening up to me. Please let me know how you are doing. We can get through this.. a life without gambling is a life worth living. God bless your soul.Murr
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I’m so happy to hear from you again, brother. I’m glad you are doing well and are managing through this like a champ. One day at a time it’s going to be possible to beat this monster.
Everyone experiences defeat but the strongest person is the one who is able to pick himself up, lick his wounds and make a comeback.
You are an amazing person with an amazing soul that deserves all that is good in this world.
God bless you too. -
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Wow I just stumbled across my thread. I cannot believe I went through this hell on earth for over 17 years on and off. Because that’s what active gambling addiction is. Hell on earth. I placed my last casino bet on sept 19/22 which is 9 months clean today. I placed my last sports bet on may 9 22 so 404 days clean there. What can I say now. Life is beautiful. The day I placed my last bet I also had my last drink so I have been booze/drug/gamble free for 9 months. I have gotten the date tattoo on my forearm so I am always reminded I made it out alive. Some days I didn’t want to wake up, some days I said I wish I could die if I have to live another day in active addiction. It really had such a strong grip on me and I still know I am never safe. I am only one drink or bet away from death. And that’s how I treat my recovery. It’s life or death now. Thank you to all who supported me, helped me, reached out to me, loved me, and was there for me in my darkest days. I love you all and I pray you are all
Keeping well. I attend 12 step meeting weekly now, maintenance therapy, and I have the most amazing girlfriend now who supports me in recovery and knows my story but still loves me the same. It is possible guys. I am testament you can get clean, even when the world is closing in and you feel hopeless. Just don’t give up. Love and peace to all?? -
Wow I read most of this, I live in Ontario as well. I am also same age as you 34 now. Throughout my up and down gambling career I have lost probably about 25k. I reached new lows just this past weekend. I had won 15k (starting with the chiefs win against the 9ers) back writing down all of my debits and credits every day I would play roulette, 1st 12’s and 2nd 12’s if I won 5-10$ I would stop, that was good for the day. I went about 3 months winning at least $5 a day… until last weekend. I lost 10k in 48 hours. I lost $18 on roulette and it started from there and turned into 10 grand. I have felt sick since. I tried to win it back on the CFL of all things, took an under instead of who I thought would win and that was the end. I blocked all my apps. I have been off and on with someone from connex Ontario but just reached back out to her for help, telling her I never took her seriously the first time. I’m so ashamed in myself, I think of doing one bet on sports for 10k to win it all back every day. How did you ever beat this circle of hell??? I hope someday you can share your knowledge of what really helped you! I could never tell my girlfriend I have been with for 16 months now after the chiefs game she told me she would leave me if I didn’t stop so throughout the months of accumulating the 10k I never once told her, and last weekend when I couldn’t smile at my parents cottage on the lake I just told her all week I was depressed over my job, which isn’t really lying but would have been much happier without losing what I was hoping was getting me closer to all-time breaking my gambling +/- record. I hope you get to read this Murr. I’d love to find out what really helped you, especially as being a lover of sports.
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