[Jrb]

firstly I am a sick person. My addiction to gambling is illogical and to myself disgusting. I dont believe in the “disease” view, but who can can control rampant gambling? Right now i am suicidal, but this is often, so I should add I have no intention of acting on it! I just fell I would be happier dead,

[FoundFreedom]

I’ve come here today feeling the same way. How strange that I want to tell you that you are not disgusting and not to give up! I’m finding it hard to take that advice from myself. I think the fact that we are here speaks volumes about our desire to exit this way of life. Please post again and let me know you’re OK. You’re more than a problem gambler, you’re a real person with so much more in life or it wouldn’t be worth quitting.

[monique]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[monique]

Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. I can see you are feeling very low just now. But already you have a very kind reply from someone who can understand something of your feelings. This illustrates the way you can connect with others who will help and support you and advise you on a better way forward.
Do tell us more about your situation, so you can get more specific help. And do make use of the Support Groups, too, where you can share in ‘real’ time.
Wishing you well and hoping to read more from you.

Best wishes,

Monique

[charles]

Hi Jrb and welcome.

You don’t know where to start? Well the good news is that youu have started. You have found support. You are not alone, if any of us could do it on our own then none of us would be here in the first place.

Read the other stories here. You will read a lot that you will relate to I am sure. You will also read the success stories – what are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?

Is it an illness? Maybe, maybe not. The important thing for me though is that we find the “medecine” that works for us. For me that is Gamblers Anonymous, for others it may be this or similar sites, for others counselling. Maybe a combination of the above.

Keep posting and tell us a little more about your situation. What barriers would make it harder for you to gamble?

[p]

Nice to meet you here, well done for coming here and being honest and opening up about your addiction. It is a hard thing to do at first. You have taken that first step.
Firstly, if you are feeling suicidal you need to ask for professional help, see your doctor. Call the samaritans, call a lifeline. Do what you have to to keep yourself safe. Acknowledging those thoughts is the first step too. Your doctor will be able to guide you to the best plan to help you with that. As for gambling this is the right place to deal with that. There are also gamblers anonymous meetings, counselling, banning from places you gamble or putting blockers on line. Limiting access to money, getting someone to help look after your money.
You can read here, journal here, join groups that are on, talk to one on one advisors here. When you feel like gambling try to delay it, delay the impulse and wait it out for even half hour at a time, just get through the next half hour etc.. also filling the void and creating new hobbies, new experiences.
At first it may take time to feel the joy in other things but it will come, gambling numbs us for a while too sometimes, and puts a cloud over our life but staying away from gambling gets progressively better and the sun begins to shine again. It is possible. Use all the support you can, just reach out, ask for help in whichever area you need it.

P

[Jrb]

I live in London, i’m English but just moved back from living 10 years plus in Asia after my Mum passed away last year and I thought I would be nearer my Dad who had to go into care.

I started gambling on fruit machines at 13. We used to go into the city centre and drink cider in the cinema and I would end up staying on to play fruit machines alone. First gut wrenching feeling was wiping out my then 40 UKP bank account at that age, which i had saved from paper rounds, car washing etc. I used to be have a lot of business ideas, but gradually due to drinking and gambling less so – or at least less confident about the results. First time i had a suicidal feeling was at universuty aged 18 in London. I was on a grant of 1000UKP a term. I was winning 270. Hit a bad run and ending up losing it and my last 250 for the term. I had now moved onto casinos (BJ). I was staying on a 17 th floor and thought I would like to jump. I was nowhere near doing it, but remember the feeling. (At first i played cautiously and did pretty well, but it was like working 6 hours to win 50 quid. So i gradually started just playing for the excitement. )

Things progressed as I started earning decent money after university. All through uni i spent vast amounts of time in the bookies. Football horses cards. Let me say quite a few friends gambled, but not as much as regularly or as destructively. The drinking is not the cause of my gambling but sometimes i get drunk and lose or win, and sometime get blind drunk to stop the sick feeling when I have screwed up again.

I lost monthly salary numerous times and had debts left, right and centre. Left the UK to travel with a decent month’s commission and went around the world for 10 months. Got stranded in last vegas and had to work in a backpackers to get out of there. Lost money in vegas, aus and nz. Constantly borrowing from friends and family. Now people were starting to lose patience with me. Some sickening losses – 1700 USD in vegas leaving me with $3 and no cards. I had counselling on return to UK CBT and it was successful to a large degree, worked in Saudi and hardly gambled. Eventually ended up in Asia. I was earning very good money in Thailand. (100k a year, some years). Every month I was broke! How was that possible. I used to play at work out of work etc…on and on. 2000 pounds in front of my girlfriend in 10 mins on virtual horses! SHE worked in a hotel for 500 quid month, so it didnt make her feel too good. I lost the job due to drinking and had 50K USD leaving commission, which would have paid off my small house i had bought there. Instead i lost it in my parents living room 6,500UKP one day to ladbrokes in a day and on several other days. Trying to hide the complete overwhelming sickness when people who care just feet away.

This all culminates with me selling a house my friend had sent me month to buy and losing 100,000 UKP of his money on online currency trading in about 2 weeks. I could not get it transferred out of the country and it was sat in my account and once I lost my own money I started on the 100K to try and win my losses back. It quickly escalated He is still speaking to me, but is that to make sure he gets some thing back?

Lost several more jobs. Scrounged disgracefully off my parents and about 6 months before my Mum’s death effectively stole 6k from her online back. Siblings found out after i had to own up. This caused lots of problems with them though things are now ok with them. They know I am pretty sick. Since then I have gambled off and on wiht month to month salary. I am either to broke to socialise or too miserable or tense after losses, but also have few friends now in London and for example was goung to try and do a social group tonight but have just lost 50 of my last 150, so now I have no desire to speak to people.

When I came to London last year, I applied to a gambling therapy through the NHS. I had an assessment about 5 months later. They still havent given me an appointment. So I have accepted my problem years ago. It is finishing it that it the problem. I feel let down by that service as I have lost 10-15k in the time i have been waiting. 40K of credot card debt was written off prior to 2013, but now I have overdraft I have never had savings since i was 13. Sorry this is so long………! It doesn’t even describe how I feel, which is sick, a failure, stressed, like I have wasted my life (im 43) amd still I keep doing it.

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I see it is there, I still fall in, it‘s a habit.
I know where I am, It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I walk around it

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[Anonimo]

I am a compulsive gambler. At one point in my life I felt what you are feeling. I would venture to say most compulsive gamblers, if they are honest with themselves, will admit to being there too. You have connected with people here that understand how you feel right now. We’ll listen to all you have to say or write – lending in some advise on how we made it through times like that.

One thing is for certain – for me at least – compulsive gambling is my illness. It can never be cured but can be arrested. For my recovery, I go to Gamblers Anonymous (a 12 step program) and I lead an all members welcome group chat here on Gambling Therapy.

By sharing with others, listening to what they say and what they are going through, I am able to not gamble today. One day at a time – each day is the same – I choose now not to gamble today. One day at a time – I placed my last bet on September 13, 2006.

I also know I am just one bet away from disaster. If I do go place a bet, it would be easy to place a second, third, etc. Then all of a sudden, I am back at the bottom of the hole in chapter one above… only this time it’s too deep to get out of… I can’t take a chance that I would be able to dig out again…

So, I will not place a bet today and choose to make it a great day. Keep sharing here – in the group chats, your Journal and replying to other’s posts too…

Welcome – you are in a good place and the right place for a compulsive gambler!

Stay strong today – one day at a time!!

Lee

[Jrb]

Thanks for the replies. In answer for the post about chapters I am in chapter 4 but I dont always avoid the hole I need to commit to avoid that hole. But I am struggling to make that commitment and so i keep repeating my mistakes and the pain that it causes.

One of the things I am struggling with is that I am a crap and unucky gambler. I know odds are stacked against me, but I hate the fact that i lose nearly every time and want to end on a winning note. I hate the losing as well as the financial devastation it has caused.

[kin]

Hi Jrb,

for your pleasure viewing.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3410538/So-s-s-hard-break-habit-Scans-reveal-repetitive-behaviours-rewire-brain-cause-lasting-damage.html

God bless!

Kin

[Jrb]

i am in the midst of terrible behaviour…i guess that i am typing this shows i dont want to continue this path…what to do?

[Jrb]

playing online blackjack sends me to distraction. i have 20 and dealer gets 21 and i want to claw my own eyes out…….

[Jrb]

im not going to do anything stupid, i just feel like i cant go on.

[vera]

Our behaviours can change Jrb.
Everyone here has been in the same terrible place that you find yourself in tonight.
The good news is
there is a way out!
One step at a time.
Join in one of the Support Groups or contact the Helpline tomorrow
Lots of people are either sleeping or working right now.
When we reach out for help we have taken the first step.
Keep posting
Things will improve when you change your behaviour In other words, when you quit gambling.
CGs have no other option.
Keep postponing your next bet!

[Jrb]

I am about to get paid and once I have paid money back, I already know I will not have enough money to get through the next month. This is a time when I likely to lose it all, as I often try to win something worthwhile to get through the next month and try quit this habit with a win. Despite saying this I know I will not win. I almost never have won. Not only are the odds against me, I am just a natural loser at gambling. This week I tried to extend my overdraft facility and unfortunately they let me – online decision. Well ￡800 lasted 2 hours and I have since just lost the remaining 200 of the ￡1000 increase. Meanwhile, my cash flow once I get paid and repay short term debts is about ￡200. So now I want to gamble to win a few hundred even though if I had just taken the ￡1000 overdraft I would have comfortably got through the next month. I find it very hard to accept that I can’t go out with a win, but I just keep losing!!!! football, blackjack, horses…..It is so illogical and depressing and I hate myself for doing it. I don’t really have a group of friends I can talk to as they have heard it all before.

[Brokelad]

Just except that the ￡1000 overdraft is gone, don’t try win it back or a couple of hundred because you know yourself you won’t win and if you do you will only put it back. I used to gamble my wages week in week out and not pay anything back just take. You will feel a lot better knowing you paid your debts than gambled all your wages and not paid anything. Good luck Jrb stay strong

[lizbeth4]

You have to except your loss and move forward. Put barriers in place and come to the GT support groups or find a GA meeting. Nothing will change until you make changes. It is a hard journey but well worth it. You have to get to the point where you are just sick of living a gambler’s life. Stay strong! Keep posting!

[Jrb]

Thanks Brokelad and Lizbeth for the comments. Well last month I was up in the middle of the night losing 2k. I limited my deposit ability for last night, but after chatting in a group, didn’t get up and do any gambling. Now I am at work and have just taken a 24 hour time out from my last open account. I know it isn’t emphatic but as they say one day at a time. Also I find the longer I don’t gamble toe much easier it becomes. Of course there are still bookies and other temptations. More tomorrow.

[vera]

There will always be temptations Jrb but we will have the means to resist them if we take the effort to set up barriers. Personally, I made little or no effort in the past. The thought of gambling would be enough to set the wheels in motion , literally and metaphorically. I would be “off like a shot”,
These days, I think things through.
Good to see you in the Group last night.
Same again this evening. ‘Hope we can both report a G free day.
Yes, I agree , it does get easier when we distance ourselves from the “action”.
Losing a night’s sleep as well as losing your bottom dollar can/will become a thing of the past, given time.
Stay focused.

[charles]

Well done on not gamblign last night Jrb. Maybe see you in a group later.

[Jrb]

i didn t manage to avoid it. Man U is my excuse…it will end in tears i know.

[vera]

Tears can turn to laughter, Jrb
Give it another shot
Missed you in the Groups

[Jrb]

what to do?

[kin]

Dear Jrb
Man U won but what do you get in the end. How long can the happiness from this winning bet last you?

Is it going to strengthen your false hope that what you did was right and made you believe the lies you tell yourself?

Is it going to prolong your gambling and delay your recovery?

What can I do in the beginning?

If I cannot stop myself from gambling, I will apply for a self exclusion ban or ban myself from casino or betting sites online. In the event that I want to gamble, there is no where for me to do it.

I have proven capable of finding a new place to gamble in the past. To make sure I don’t fail this time, I have learn if that happen, I made sure I do not have the money to do it. I will have to limit my access to surplus money.

These two barriers is complementary to one another but it is only a temporary measures to stop you.

There are program such as the 12 steps recovery program, you find the people in GA practicing them long term. Please go to one near you, the experience person there will help you.

People who don’t have a program, their chances is slim.

[Jrb]

Well unfortunately most comments above are correct and I knew/know them to be before continuing my stupid behaviour. Of course if it was logical we would not have the problems. My issue/trigger this month was not having enought to get through the month. So i bet and won – and stopped posting as later that evening I lost all i won and enough that i can not pay my rent and my sister money I promised. So I am posting this as it is easy to give up communication when u screw up and I need to resolve my issues. I will be in a group at some stage.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jrb, Glad that you came back and posted. Sometimes that is the hardest part. We CG’s are always chasing our losses looking for our next win. Only to loose again! It is a never ending pattern. Are you putting barriers in place? Don’t give up!!! Communication is everything. Stay strong.

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[charles]

Hi Jrb, well done on coming back and posting.

What you say shows the importance of putting things in place now, while you are hurting, don’t have the money and don’t want to gamble.

We have all felt that way, then of course we get money, the pain fades and the urges return. That’s when we already need thigns in place or it is often too late.

So, what things can you put in place now?

See you in a group again soon i hope.

[kin]

Hi Jrb,
We took so many years to become the person we are now, it will take time for us to change.

I am only speaking from personal experience, I remember when I was new, they told me, if all I did was stop gambling but nothing else about me change, I did not change, I only stop gambling, the rest about me did not change and that will send me back to gambling.

Hope you can understand what they are trying to tell me.

[Jrb]

Yes i understand – tks

[Jrb]

Well, after winning my one bet to get thru the month I lost 75% of the whole months salary as I was drunk. As a result, I could not repay my sister and have not paid my rent. The last 3-4 days have been trying to get enough to pay my sister. I got enough but not for rent. Withdrew. But of course – reverse withdrawals mean i lost. Fnally today i managed to lose it all so I cant pay my rent and cant pay my sister.

So there it is. My latest. Of course i am drinking to make sure i feel even more sorry for myself tomorrow.

Gambling is sick and insidious. I understand BJ odds but it is impossible to win so wy do i try?

Tried the chat, but no one there.

[kin]

Dear Jrb,
I can feel your struggle and pain but…..
Gambling, and alcohol only adds to the pain,
It’s like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the side effects actually make the original pain worse
Please seek help. Please go visit an addiction professional or GA group near you. Please, please, please do it. No one can do your recovery for you.
It is time for the pain and suffering to end and healing to start.

[Jrb]

I am waiting for a gambling service to see me after 9 months still waiting,,,, i cant see a depression clinic because i drink more than 2 units a day. I went to an alcohol clinc- they referred me to a paying service…and on and on….
The services havent worked for me. I need to do more. But I am so tired of this shit.

[vera]

GA is free, Jrb. So is AA.
Would you consider giving either or both another shot while you’re waiting?

[Jrb]

i couldnt pay rent or live for next month or pay sister….(last week bank gave me another 1k which i lost in 2 hrs. )

Today i posted the above and then asked online for another o/d and could not believe when they approved it – so now into 4K ( a small amount compared to overall). Now I got that o/d and predictably gambled – won a bit.
Now I am ready to quit. I have seen how pointless it is.

Next post when i wake up.

[Jrb]

Well I self excluded from 4 accounts today. 2 more to go once funds are cleared. My bank gave me an increased overdaft online again which i didnt expect as I lost 100 last week ?? . The good news is it allowed me to pay my sister and my rent and so i made the decision to self exclude. May well be in a group later.

[vera]

Glad to hear you’re choosing to use your new O/D for more important things than gambling Jrb.
I, like you have taken out lots of loans and o/ds to patch up damage, only to throw the “good money after bad”!
Time to wake up!

[Jrb]

1000 not 100 ??

[kin]

Dear Jrb
I must stop my borrowing
it will stop increasing my debt.
I must learnt to live within my means
borrowing money to gamble or buy alcohol are not allow.

[Jrb]

I borrowed to pay my rent after losing. I did not expect to be able to get the 1000 to pay rent and my sister, and the the fact that I did manage to make those two essential payments, makes me less likely to gamble going forward. Hence self excluding myself today.

[kin]

Dear Jrb

Change is a process, not an event – recovery slogan

Good job! On following the direction here when all else have fail.

it really work if you work it! and you are worth it!

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless,

It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But I believe it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I see it is there, I still fall in, it‘s a habit.

I know where I am, It is my fault

I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Dear Jrb

I hope you can see how powerless we were with the borrowing.

The first few times we borrow didn’t go to the repayment as originally plan. This can happen again. The only way we can prevent it happening again is to stop the borrowing!

Borrowing is a temptation and the money we receive is a big trigger for gambling or drinking. The distorted mind can tell us to use it to gamble to win more for repayment and use the rest to return it back but it is always not like that in the end. Don’t listen to this self-deceiving lie anymore.

Stop digging the holes deeper!

These are more recovery slogans for you to use:
First things first
One day at a time
KISS – Keep it simple stupid

Live and let live
But for the grace of God
Let go and let God
This too shall pass
I can’t…He can…I think I’ll let Him
Sobriety is a journey, not a destination
Faith without works is dead
I came, I came to, I came to believe
Live in the NOW
We are only as sick as our secrets
Willingness is the key
More will be revealed
Let is begin with me
Just for today
Practice an attitude of gratitude
When all else fails, follow directions
What goes around, comes around
Change is a process, not an event
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step
God – Good Orderly Direction (Design)
Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation
EGO – Edge God Out
Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm
Principles before personalities

You shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free

God bless!

[vera]

CGs see borrowing as “easy money”
CGs see gambling as “easy money” too.
Just sayin’.

[Jrb]

I do accept that borrowing is not a solution, but in this case it stops me from being thrown out and being tempted to gamble to pay this rent etc.

Thanks for your post Lee.

I have a long way to go. As I knew and discovered last night, there are unlimited online accounts as I opened 2 new ones! I am obviously very weak right now. Now I have withdrawn funds from them and going to self exclude from those also.
Does anyone know if the blocking software you can buy can be licensed for 3 devices, (At a reasonable cost?) as I have laptop, tablet and phone?

I am also finding in the last year that I am very depressed. Has anyone felt that years of massive stressing on your emotions has lead to a general malaise, even without a recent devastating loss (though I have had plenty of those)???

[Jrb]

Well, of course I have done a day without gambling before, but maybe not after gambling quite intensively recently. So it is a step in the right direction. My rent is paid my sister is paid, I am a little more in debt. Let’s see how tomorrow is.

[kin]

Dear Jrb
Congratulation on keeping your day gambling free! Good job!

In the past, we have all tried to do it by ourselves on our own .
Relying on our own understanding has failed us countless time.

Making a decision to start recovery is only the beginning
Now is the time to commit our life
Recovery requires a daily commitment
and it takes place one day at a time.

[Jrb]

well I did not get very far. Weekends are bad from me though I work them as there is a lot of sport on and maybe the only area of gambling i enjoy in any way is having a bet on sports. So i did. and won by one point. Of course I know this will lead to more – it has online already. I have a long way to go.

[kin]

The huge difference between resignation and surrender.
Resignation is what we feel when we realize we are gambling addict but have not yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem.
Surrender on the other hand, is what happen after we accepted we are powerless over our gambling that our lives has become unmanageable and have accepted recovery is the solution.
We don’t want our lives to be the way they have been.
We don’t want to keep feeling the way we have been feeling.
Questions
1. What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything?
2. What convinces me that I can’t gamble successfully anymore?
3. Do I accept that I will never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
4. Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender ?
5. What would my life be like if I surrender completely?
6. Can I continue my recovery without completely surrender?

Romans 7:18-21New International Version (NIV)

18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20

[Jrb]

not surprisingly I have screwed up yet again. wiped out for the month and beyond – I don’t have the energy to even do my shitty job.

[kin]

The Parable Of The Rope – Trust and Let Go
The story was about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain. He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone. The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountains, and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.
As he was climbing, only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed. The climber could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling… and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.
His body was hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him, and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but it scream, “HELP ME GOD!!”
All of a sudden, a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want Me to do?”
“Save me God!!”
“Do you really think I can save you?”
“Of course I believe You can.”
“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.”
There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.
The rescue team found the climber dead and frozen on the next day…his body hanging from a rope – His hands holding tight to the rope only 10 feet away from the ground.

When are you going to let go of the gambling?

[vera]

Ever consider Residential Treatment JrB? I know you tried other avenues that had loop holes, but if you go to your GP and lay your cards on the table, he might refer you directly. It seems that you need rather urgent help if I’m reading correctly.

[Jrb]

Hi Vera, I cannot take time off work even if the GP would refer me and considering I am still waiting for counselling after 8 months I can’t see it as likely.

For now I am starting again today …. I don’t have money to gamble but I will shut and exclude all sites today. I could hardly come to work today as I just wanted to hide away – partly I am also down because of drinking – which I know further depresses you.

Unfortunately, my Mum passed away a year ago end of Jan and my Dad had to go into care, so I also feel I have lost a lot of support as a result.

I am not religious and I am afraid any God related suggestions are not going to help me. That is just my personal view and I can’t believe in something that I don’t believe in – however well intentioned it may be.

[kin]

Dear Jrb,
I can understand how you feel, and hope my honest confession helps. I was not a good example, I actually wasted and lost many years in early recovery because I do not trust people easily and I don’t have a God, I thought it was all a bluff.
I met an elderly recovering man clean for more than 10 years, he explain to me that our solution was a spiritual one. He told me that a religious person may not be spiritual but a spiritual person can be religious and recovery is a spiritual program.
Those practicing the 12 steps recovery program, God in the book refer to a Higher Power greater than us. It can be a person, a group, a place, a recovery program or a thing. For many people practicing the program who do not have a faith or religion, it can be as simple as GOD = good orderly direction, universal rule of spirituality is to do no harm.
I was introduce to this program way back in 2005, I was not enthusiastic at all, I feel that it doesn’t work for me, it can be frustrating, I didn’t want to do it but I continue to see people around me practicing it get well, it gave me hope, I just keep trying. It was only in 2013 when I found my Higher Power in working the step that I start to see major changes in my life. My recovery is just beginning, my personal experience working the steps now found it very real and rewarding.
I am so sorry and can feel the pain and stress in your life now. I will pray for you.
I hope you too, will find comfort and support from the nice people in here.
Thank you for allowing me to share. God bless!

[charles]

Hi Jrb.

I’m not a believer either yet I have a higher power.

You said that weekends are bad for you? Well it’s the weekend again. What things can you put in place today that will keep you safer over the weekend? What non gambling plans do you have in place?

[Jrb]

Thanks for the comments..yes I am not sure about the higher power thing. I do know that the longer I am away from gambling (and drinking for that matter) the less I feel the urge. Now I have no money. There would be a couple of options to get some, but not much and it would cut down future options for help to relocate. My job is going badly, not really down to me, but in some small ways it is. So i am trying to focus on that. I am lucky in that I work in very quick paced sales job and so can make money that way. If not I would find it much harder to quit and write off losses and its hard enough. I also know part of the problem is an unhapiness with aspects of life. That is difficult. They are linked in some ways. When I have lost everything as now, I cant afford to socialise and dont want to – because as many will know the gambling and the problems its caused you is always there. Charles the good bad/news is that I have to work weekend so I will be busy this weekend. That has never stopped me before, but with lack of cash and a desire to make progress, I am looking forward to posting 4 days tomorrow. Its try for pma every day at the moment as many times I just wish there was an off life switch. Bu t I am a fighter.

[Jrb]

OMG o/d increase

[Jrb]

Got another overdraft of1k now 5k in 8 months and I imagine 6k from salary/comm
Gambled won 150 stopped.. Self excluded another sent balance to friend…today no gamble

[Jrb]

Well some progress. No gambling for 3 days.

[vera]

Four days now, if my count is correct, Jrb!?

[Jrb]

Your count would have been correct Vera and good to know someone keeping an eye on it. But I am disappointed to say I erred slightly when visiting the West End…..luckily I only dabbled and stopped. I know that is not good but I could have gone to a casino and didnt came home instead and today nothing so I am back to 1 day! ?? However, I do feel much better mentally having done very little over the last week.) My brain at least start to have a chance to try to consider other important areas of my life right now such as health and job…. I need to work at my job/explore other options because if I can earn commissions that is a big trigger to tempt me to gamble! So to give my me the best chance to beat this I need to see possible income from other channels (though I know gambling has almost always meant a negative cash impact). Football is on which is proving tempting….

[charles]

Hi Jrb,

Ok the football is on and tempting…..

So, how would you gamble? Where would you gamble? What funds would you use and how would you access them?

What barriers can you put in place now to remove that temptation?

[Jrb]

i am a nightmare
didnt gambleyesterday – lost the plot today and destroys my hope.

[Makingachange]

Try not to dwell on the loss today.

Take a long cold shower in the morning, gather your thoughts together and make a plan, make a vivid plan of the next week. How much you want to have saved by the end of the week, fill this week with activities, when you make it to Friday you will be shocked at how great you feel with your new found freedom, savings and wellbeing. You can do this, slowly!

[vera]

YOU are not a nightmare, Jrb .
Gambling is!
Is there ANYTHING you could have done to prevent yourself” losing the plot”?
I have done it myself so often, all I can say is
Stop accepting those Godforsaken overdrafts . Towards the end of my gambling career ( I hope it IS ended), I was taking high interest loans to meet overdraft and “normal” loan payments.
How’s that for” plot losing”?
The Nightmare will end when we wake up.
Well done on posting. I was clinging on to this site for dear life for a long time even though they were sick listening to me whinging .
Never give up Jrb.
When you least expect it you will see a way out.
Until then cut off all access to funds.
No money=no gamble!

[Jrb]

but am struggling – i dont want to be in ths country as all my last ten years was overseas so it makes it difficult to just try to exist etc

[vera]

Will gambling improve your circumstances?
I say not, regardless of what country you are in!

[kin]

What am I afraid of with the concept of surrender or no more gambling for me, if there is any?

What convinces me I can’t gamble successfully anymore?

Do I accept that I will never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence or long period of not gambling.

Can I begin my recovery without stopping gambling completely?

What would my life be like if I stop gambling completely?

Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?

[Jrb]

unfortunately i am still sucked in….a couple of small wins bring me no happiness as I know what is the inevitable outcome….
thinking

[Jrb]

how to avoid the misery? that is to come?

[Jrb]

even before i lose the overdrafts i hav e to add to the thousands i am in debt etc – i see the truth about not surrendering—–until you do u want to havecontrol over money etc
and eventually it will end in tears….

[vera]

Only YOU can surrender Jrb
Recovery won’t force itself on you. It just shows us flashes of what it has to offer, odaat. It’s enticing. Its real. It is freely available, but it is not easy. You have to search for it and when you find it, reach out and grab it with two hands.
Take it or leave it.
Gambling , on the underhand shows us an easy option. It lulls us into a false hope. It’s illusionary.
After a certain point, we can’t “take it or leave it” Gambling takes possession of all we have and ever will have .
Money is the least of its demands.
It will never live up to its false promises ;It leaves us bereft of all that is good for us,
The most scary part Jrb is that false hope leads to despair.
You need some Power greater than your own to rescue you.
Time to go on your knees and ask for Mercy. Regardless of your beliefs.
Money is the root of all evil , especially for a CG. Stop borrowing no matter how the loans are disguised . They all have to be paid back.

[kin]

Self-will causes us to act / to the exclusion of any considerations / other than what we want.
We ignore the needs and feelings of others.
We barrel through, stampeding over anyone who question our rights to do whatever we want.
We become tornadoes, whipping through the lives of family, friends and even strangers, totally unconscious of the path of destruction we have left behind.
If circumstances aren’t to our liking, we try to change them by any means necessary to achieve our aims.
We try to get our own way at all costs.
We are so busy aggressively pursuing our impulses that we completely lose touch with our conscience and God.

[vera]

How are you doing, Jrb?
Any news?

[Jrb]

many issues, not just gambling – my life is not happy – i read posts about howGC are dragging people around them down, but that is ironic as I am single, live in a flatshare and have almost zero friends geographically since i moved back to London from Thailand. Practical help is welcome, rants and parables related to god would be best posted elsewhere please.

[vera]

The best practical help I could suggest to stop you gambling, Jrb is to cut off the “ammunition” supply. i.e. money in the forms of loans and overdrafts. Since I reduced my “supply”, I am far less likely to gamble. It’s a rich man’s game, but sadly the CG is not the one who gets rich.
No money=no gamble.
Bottom line.
Cutting out the booze would help too. We get “flighty”under the influence. I know you don’t like GA. I didn’t like it either. I went back recently. I neither like or dislike it now. Being the only woman , I will always be the “odd one out” but that’s nothing new!
Nobody can stop you gambling Jrb.
Would you consider giving GA another try . All the guys there seem to be great buddies. I hear them thanking each other for texts and emails received .I would imagine you would meet some real friends there. People who accept you as you are.
Glad to see you are hanging in here Jrb. I clung on by my fingernails for a long time. The grip tightens after a while….

[Jrb]

i fXXXXING hate myself. How can I be so repetitively stupid??? Also how can you lose lose lose so repetitively? On near enough 50/50 bets and you never even have an upside? So why do it,,,,,…………..Life really is shit. Even without the crap of gamling so why do i make it worse?

[kpat]

Hi Jrb,
You are an educated man. I have read your entire thread and feel your pain through every post.
You asked for practical advice, I see some of that here already posted.
The truth about a gambling addiction is this, our brains have been changed throughout the years of gambling. Look it up. Search out MRI of a gambler.
You’ve posted several times asking, “What to do?”.

In my case the answer was difficult. I suffered. I had a depression that lasted months. I felt sick when I gave up gambling. This sick, sad, lost feeling was day in day out at first. Then, slowly, I would have 10 mins. Then several hours of relief. The relief, I believe, was allowing my brain some time to heal.
If you want to stop feeling like crap and a loser, you have to be willing to go through the suffering of abstinence. Abstinence can be the beginning.
I found it comforting during my initial abstinence, helpful to pray. I do believe, so there we are different.
Gambling is to many a moral issue, but to us it has become a disease. How do you treat a disease?
There is often pain in the treatment. In order to be successfully treated, most people require support. Start with abstinence. Accept that you will feel low and look for support while you are feeling that way.
AND FOLLOW THE ADVICE ABOUT NO MONEY=NO GAMBLE.

You can do this. You weren’t born a gambler.

[p]

Hi I just want to say keep going. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Ive done what you just did hundreds of times over. Its disappointing when we relapse but each time you learn, each time you get closer to the point you will stop. Every time you fall down get back up. Fill your days with other things. Be kind to yourself. Addiction is hard. If it were easy this site wouldnt exist. Its actually good you are here, many don’t make it to even attempting recovery.

P

[Jrb]

Thanks p, Vera and kpat for your comments and support.

One of my biggest issues with stopping gambling is the period of being broke and bored I would have to go through, before my finances recover and that is where the patently false belief that I can get a win, not that will change my life but ease the next few weeks. For example this month, I have blown my overdraft trying to reduce it and give me some funds to maybe relocate, then borrowed 200 and lost it trying to get back some cash flow, then borrowed 100 to get through the month – but new I would and did gamble and lose, then got advance bill money same story.

And now thinking same again…..all of the above means of course I am deeper in the hole as I have to pay it all back and the thought of stopping is difficult when know it will mean months/years of poverty expecially when my job is not working out. I know this is not logical as I keep maing things worse as I am very rarely lucky. It is accepting the above situation which is so hard.

[lizbeth4]

I want to say keep going also! It’s easy to think that you can win back your losses. Been there, done that! It never works out that way in the end. I understand how it can be boring and depressing when we have to face our losses and debt. Accepting our addiction is really hard but we have to so we can work on our issues. Just don’t give up! Things do get better when we don’t GAMBLE!

[Janis]

i”m a compulsive gambler, it’s been going on for 5 years. I have lied to my PARTNER, family, and friends to gamble.
I decided yesterday, after a gambling binge that I do not want to live like this anymore. This disease has cost me all of my savings, plus sleepless nights of worry. I don’t like myself right now. I’m a hard working man, but I can’t control my gambling. I see how gambling has affected my relationships. I have put the gambling before my family, friends, and responsibilties. I sound awfull right now. I don’t even know myself anymore. I want the old me back. I’m ready to fight this! Well thanks for listening! I want my self-respect back.Seize all the good things in life

[charles]

Hi Janis and welcoem to the Frorum.

Can I ask that you scroll dowm to the botom of the forum page, click on “new topic” and then you can start your own thread where you can get support and talk about your own situation.

You can stop gambling I promise you.

[Jrb]

what is the point of going to a to b ,,,,,no social life, no family n destroy urself with sick gmblg…right now lost my rent, cant pay it lost it last night 750, alresdy broke as paid debt b4 rent because done like to let people down….. my birthday on 11th and paid 35 ukp for ticket to berlin so i have smething to look forward to……. now i borrwed 550 t go to berlin, but i didnt pay my rent (im a cnbt) so im gambling my last chance….
wot a dick

[Jrb]

what is the point of going to a to b ,,,,,no social life, no family n destroy urself with sick gmblg…right now lost my rent, cant pay it lost it last night 750, alresdy broke as paid debt b4 rent because done like to let people down….. my birthday on 11th and paid 35 ukp for ticket to berlin so i have smething to look forward to……. now i borrwed 550 t go to berlin, but i didnt pay my rent (im a cnbt) so im gambling my last chance….
wot a dick

[Jrb]

what is the point of going to a to b ,,,,,no social life, no family n destroy urself with sick gmblg…right now lost my rent, cant pay it lost it last night 750, alresdy broke as paid debt b4 rent because done like to let people down….. my birthday on 11th and paid 35 ukp for ticket to berlin so i have smething to look forward to……. now i borrwed 550 t go to berlin, but i didnt pay my rent (im a cnbt) so im gambling my last chance….
wot a dick

[charles]

Jrb, the best advice for anyone in a hole? Stop digging. You can’t win your way out of this I’m afraid. Gambling is the cause of the problem, not the solution.

You titled this thread “I don’t know where to start”? Well you have had suggestions, ways to stop gambling, places to get support, there are places to talk through your financial options such as the Citizens Advice bureau or StepChange.

So, which options are you going to try before your next bet?

[Jrb]

Charles you are right. I asked for gambling counselling may 2015…had assessment… They still not see me. But i am so depressed.. So I approached counselling service CBT. When I said in an on phone assessment that I drink more 14 units a week they refused to see me referring me to alcohol counselling.. Which I went to.. They didn’t follow through…no service wants to help. My brother says to grow up…I can’t talk to him…

[Jrb]

Got no money apart from shrapnel in a jar. Can’t get counselling….. Would GA help? Sad thing now I lost last bit of my overdraft..I honestly don’t have money to get to a g a meeting

[Jrb]

Well I did not gamble at all for 10 days and only one occasion in 17. So for me that is progress. Finally got into see a psych after being on the waiting list for 10 month (and 15k)…so I am sure that will help. I am broke and obviously in debt and that is the biggest temptation, to try to have a one off win to make a difference. I know that would not be the end of it in any case, so I will look to extend my abstinence.
I have also given my sister access to my bank account so at least she can withdraw spending and essential monies as i get paid.
Hope others can see some hope from this as I am in pretty deep after 31 years and countless pounds….. a long way to go in any case.

[charles]

Hi JRB, well done on taking those steps. One way that this addiction differes from some others is that it masquerades as the solution to the problem. Well done on recognising that it is of course the cause of our problems, not that solution.

Keep posting and stay strong, one day at a time.

[Jrb]

Well one slip 15 days ago – casino. No 15 days zero. Once away from it it is relatively easy for my, which makes it frustrating how sick I am once I start. I have just started seeing a psych. and one piece of literature that he gave me was so simple but needs to be put in place for it to work.
Gamblingthought (1) x gamblingopportunity (1) = gambling behaviour (1)…… Gambling thought (1) x gambling opportunity (0) = Gambling behaviour (0).
Now I am strugglignwith the advice to exclede myself from London casins and betting shops…though as the above shows, to not do leaves me vulnerable.

[Jrb]

The rest of my life is going to shit. Quit my job, need another and sonewhere to live an got taken to hospital in an ambulance :-(.

But I am up to 21 days zero gambling. 2nd metting with counsellor today.

[vera]

You sound different Jrb?!
Quit your job for any particular reason?
Nowhere to live?
Hospital?
You ok?
Keep posting
No gambling is a bonus!

[Jrb]

Hi all

How do i sound different Vera?

Anyway, i quit my job and gave notice on my flat.
Going to work in Thailand. Could be a disaster, but not happy here in London. Used to live there – wouldbe quite ok with a house and stuff if not for gambling so as it is I have zero!
Any advice for help overseas? Are there online G A meetings?
I just got into to see a CBT therapist but soon will leave for commission only job in Thailand and hope it works!

[vera]

Your sound different Jrb. Not talking about “overdrafts/being sucked in/misery/alcohol” , you know , the usual ‘gamblese’ language we use when we’re gambling !
Thailand?
Gotta job there?
The addiction follows us everywhere . You know that already, I’m sure…

[Jrb]

Well tomorrow will be 30 days. Longest pause since year 2000. I don’t feel the full benefits of less stress because of other life circumstances ie job, accomm.

But have a job in Thailand and I know that gambling can not be run away from especially in the internet age. I lived there 13 years until last year and it is where I lost my big money!

The only thing is that I have just started counselling here and I was enquiring there and it is 70-80 quid a session and there is no GA where I am going.

Does anyone know about online GA meetings???

[theone12221]

Never really heard about online GA except things like these forums and chat rooms on gambling support sites. If you’re vulnerable to online gambling then make sure you have some strong blockers in place against the casino that is IN your house. Have you considered betfilter or gamblock? Self-exclusion from all casinos you have accounts with will also add a further layer of protection. Remember, it’s like aircraft security, have as many safety features in place to stop you from gambling as you can, even if you think they’re redundant at the time sometimes one feature can malfunction or no longer be available and you don’t want to leave yourself open to attack from this unrelenting addiction.

[charles]

Hi Jrb, it is good that youare considering support as we can not relocate away from our addiction; it comes with us of course.

I actually see that there is a “real life” GA meetign in Thailand so i don’t know if that is anywhere near where you are going? Check it out.

https://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/addresses?page=1

Of course we also have live groups here, click on Support Groups and you will see the full schedule. When you go to Thailand remember to change your time zone on your profile page so that those groups will show in local time.

The UK GA site also has live chat, as do other online sites.

Hope this helps.

[Jrb]

Thanks Charles, I will look into your comments.

[Jrb]

Once I get paid, I will force myself to install gamblock.

[Jrb]

Well 35 days without a bet. Have to pleased so far. Other things still problematic partly because of the effects of previous gambling.

Need patience to see benefits life down the line.

[Jrb]

Well I am low on cash and repetitively it crosses my mind to gamble, to turn 50 into 100…relatively small bet, but 100% of my available funds now, as I dont have enough to do things……but then I get some thousands in a few days so it would lead to disaster…One of my strongest triggers/urges is when I am short of money to do something —

[Autore]

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