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I have now been living with a gambler for 9years. He started when he was about 17 years old. He is a loved dad of 4 beautiful and clever young sons. He is their role model and they adore him very much. He has had few moments in his life when he stops gambling for a week, two or even 2-3 months, and that is when his grandad and later on my mum passes away..maybe then he realised That life is too short too mess it up? The last time when he stopped was 5 months ago after he went for two sessions of hypnotherapy. And it lasted 3 months… But believe me or not them were the best 3 months I had in my life. I felt like a princess, with no worries, with such a peace in my heart. He kept all money in his wallet, was so generous, treated us and his mum and dad with deserts and little gifts. And then the sad reality is bfack and he starts again. So many up and downs, broken promises, lies, excuses… Just like all of you here have experienced. Between me and him there is so much anger, hate and no respect. And my little children are watching it all. I try so much to be calm and don’t show my anger when the kids are around but sometimes it’s too hard to keep it all in. My CG husband knows he has a problem but says he can stop whenever he wants, he’s got control over it. And then denies he doesn’t even do it. Till now I had a silly hope that one day he stops and we will show our children how to be good mannered, loving and carrying. After reading that there is little I can do and it’s only him who has to stop I have very little hope…because I honestly don’t want to be rich or have Ferrari in my garden. I just want to know there is some hope for him , I want to have peace and quiet in my life.
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Hello Caroline
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you?ll find the times for these if you click on the ?Group times? box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you?ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they?ll welcome you in like an old friend ??
If you?re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn?t connected with GMA, please don?t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You?ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you?ll follow, some you won?t…but that?s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what?s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don?t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ??We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
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Hi Caroline
Yes there is hope, there is always hope, if there was not I wouldn’t be writing to you, However the addiction your husband owns doesn’t like giving up easily – his misguided belief that he is control is a common belief and hard to change.
It is so difficult once the wall of anger and hate without respect has grown up, but there is no judgement here because I think those who love CGs would have to be saints to keep their emotions under control and saints we are not.
So what can you do? I am sure you have read other posts and seen that the best thing you can do for yourself, you children and your husband is to look after you first. It never seems to be much of a ray of hope but the reason it works is as follows. However poor your husband’s behaviour is he is not ‘deliberately’ trying to hurt you although his addiction will bring you all the way down if you allow it to do so. If you are down his addiction has an easy job and you will not be able to help anybody. Your husband believes in his addiction and his ability to control it because he is a gambling addict but ‘you’ are not and it is important never to forget that. You have logic and reasoning, he has not. It is easier, even though it is very difficult, for you to change your life and you will do it better if you are in control. When he does take control of his life, you will not be part of the wreckage of his addiction. With knowledge of the addiction that is hurting you, you will be stronger that his addiction even though it doesn’t feel like it. All these things add up to you putting yourself first.
Your husband denies is he is doing things that hurt because if he accepts he is doing so he will have to take responsibility for it and that he is not willing to do so. He will also have a poor memory, as all the lies he has told will have become the memories he believes in – they will be his distorted truth,
I am going to leave my first post to you there for now as I have something that I have to do but I will write again soon and hopefully you will also receive other replies.
I would like you to do something that pleases ‘you’ today and every day, something that the addiction has stopped you doing because it has filled you mind 24 hours a day – a walk in the part with the children, a game, make a phone call to a friend, anything that is not gambling related. While you are doing it I want you to think of anything but gambling – it is so easy to give our minds over to worrying about the addiction but worrying will not do anything but wear you out. Do you have family to support you?
I know you don’t want a Ferrari, I know exactly what you want and I will support you for as long as you want me to do so and hopefully you will find that peace in your life.
Velvet -
Hi Caroline,
There is always hope, but it is hard. I have been married to a CG for more than 20 years. We have to wonderful little boys aged 7 and 9 who hate to see us argue, and when we do they start crying real loud and beg us not to split.Unfortunately we had to start over 3 times because of gambling bets. Declared bankruptcy once: it was very hard.
Unfortunately with gambling also comes compulsive lying… That hurts even more…
Hang in there…
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Thank you so much for your replies. It’s really nice to know that there are people who understand what you’re going through..although sometimes it’s quite painful when you rtealise people you don’t know are more nicer, carrying and understanding than your own partner which you chose to spend whole life with.
For me it’s very hard to start writing about myself, my feelings and things I want in my life. To be honest I don’t think I know anymore what I want. I struggle to answer with simple questions, maybe cuz of instant quilt I feel for my husband to gamble so much and maybe cuz he stopped value me as his wife and told me so many painful things..my husband is very intelligent and he has a dream to have his own business, he sometimes says he wishes he didn’t messed his life up..he knows he’s doing wrong things by gambling But guess it’s stronger than him.and I don’t really know how to help him. If in time when he doesn’t gamble he comes and makes plans that we will do this and that, should I agree and be there for him and support him or should I just think of myself and let him know that not when he wants to be good I follow him?
I know he tries, he fights with his addiction but when he is overtaken all the good plans go into the bin..the times of hate and anger are always there when gambling is in the way, he forgets all his manners, becomes a person I wish was dead. And when he’s back to real world he expect I am normal and forgot his behaviour.
I have to say very sorry that I’ve been writing so mumbled jumbled.
My husband has a big family, his mum and dad live two doors away. All his sisters and parents know of his addiction. They very tired too of non stop fights and begging to stop. And what can I say, they all have their own lives, own problems. His dad keeps his money for us. I couldn’t as I am too easy target and I couldn’t not let him take money when he wanted too. He gambles online from home, his mobile usually in day time and nights on computer. He would never go casinos or bookies as he would not risk his reputations as we live in small town. .Thank you for the advice of looking after yourself. I will try to do that.
As for my family, my mum passed away and my dad lives in other country and hasn’t got a clue about . Oh well he’s over 60 and I don’t think he would have any impact on my husband.rather he would just worry and stress. I do have two friends recently, but not close enough to tell them anything. For now I just still hope one day it will stop..
Quite lots I wrote, maybe it’s not so hard to write about yourself;) -
tiredandhopless, i have read your post and i must say i feel and worry exactly as you do… and i do think that leaving the marriage is not always a good solution. For my children i too would like to have mum and dad together. oh well there are stories that ended with gambler changing and stopping!! and that is what keeps me hoping.
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Thanks for having read my posts in the other threads, as well, and if you keep reading them you will see that I am absolutely not perfect, I have my quirks, as well, it is just that my quirks don’t ruin people’s finances.
It is a bit reassuring to see that there are others like me out there, who feel powerless in front of a disease that controls the ones we love. I used to think, how can love not be able to win over this addiction? Is my love not enough? Are our children and their well being not enough? How is it possible??? Now, I know that it is just the way it is: Compulsive Gambling is like Heroin, it cannot be stopped.
I have never joined a group like this before, but after years of therapy, I decided to give it a shot.
Take care and thanks for chiming in, I really appreciate it, hopefully we will read more from each other,
Andi -
Dear Velvet, what exactly do you mean by looking after yourself. You suggested going to the park or play a game with the kids and not to think about gambling problem but should I involve my CG in it and take him with us to play or is it just strictly me and kids? Sorry I know I’m a bit silly sometimes.. But I really need some advice how to cope living with a gambler.
Yesterday my CG and me decided that on Tuesday(tomorrow) we will talk about his change, about what steps to take to start fresh… I’m not sure if to take it serious as we already done that millions of times. But I never knew and still don’t know what to tell him, what to advice him and how to talk with him, so please could anyone write anything that will guide me. -
My ex partner is a CG. I too found it a little strange when I came here what is now 8 years ago, like you I was looking for advice on how to cope with the problems caused through gambling etc. I too was told to look after me which at the time confused me and seemed almost ‘limp’ advice given the adverse circumstances – but it was probably the best single piece of advice I have ever been given concerning living with or coping with this addiction.
I guess it means something different to all of us but to me it meant providing myself with the opportunity for my head to clear and some clarity to return. Our thoughts and nearly every waking moment gets consumed by the addiction of another person, our happiness begins to depend on the decisions made by another person and in particular the recovery of another person, we begin to be controlled by the addiction to gamble but In a different way. We burn out trying to understand something that can never be understood and trying to prepare for every eventuality – always hoping and often waiting for the next bombshell.
Caroline it is you recognising that you are also important and that although it seems that way right now, your happiness does not depend on someone’s addiction or recovery and not becoming a victim or part of it’s wreckage. The addiction controls your husband it does not control you even though it probably feels that way
Looking after you is how you become stronger, it’s what will get you through and it’s what will get your children through, having a mum that’s getting stronger and hopefully happier.
When was the last time you did something just for you – what did you like to do before gambling took over, when I was asked that question I remember getting upset because I couldn’t answer it. Spending time with friends etc whose lives were not taken up with gambling was one of the things which hit home to me how abnormal my life had really become, not easy though as most of the time I just felt like hiding away.
And for what it’s worth, I absolutely don’t think you should take him with you !! it’s you making time for you not for him and his problem – although it is nice to be able to do things together which also do not involve the constant use of the G word ( as well as not instead of )
Be kind to yourself , try it, it seems strange but it works.
Jenny
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Hi Caroline
I don’t think you are the remotest bit silly – In my opinion it would only be silly if you didn’t come back and ask questions when you are not sure what I meant – so well done you.
It is far too easy to stop seeing friends, to stop walking in the park and enjoying the laughter of your children when the addiction to gamble is consuming your thoughts 24 hours a day – it is sadly too easy to forget to be happy. It is important, therefore, to take time every day to do things that give you pleasure, to do things that make you laugh and give you some peace because such things will help you cope.
Suggesting to a CG that they do something can often be met with excuses – there is no money, they are busy, they don’t feel well, they are tired – resulting in sadness and disappointment for those who love them. That sadness and disappointment is welcomed by an addiction because it gives the CG an excuse to gamble, Do things because ‘you’ want to do them to avoid disappointment. Of course if your partner wants to come that is good and in my opinion should be welcomed.
I wish I had longer to write to you this evening but I have to be elsewhere soon. In your conversation tomorrow try and listen carefully to what your partner is saying rather than trying to tell him what you think he should do. This might sound a little negative but it keeps you out of the centre of any possible argument. As you listen maybe you can see ways to support him that have not been evident before. Maybe you could tell him you are seeking help because you want to support him the best way that you can.
It would be good to ‘see’ you in the group tomorrow evening where we can ‘talk’ in real time. 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – you will be very welcome.
I will write to you again soon
Velvet -
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Yeh I didn’t know either. Hope to join in and see how it is. Never experienced it before.
Thanks Jenny and Velvet. I couldn’t ask for better answers to my questions. Sometimes I am like a little girl that you have to hold by hand and tell what to do word by word. I love the idea of just doing things for myself..bit selfish but I guess that’s the only way to start getting stronger and feeling better.
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Hi Caroline
Your reply sums up the best way to cope with your partner’s addiction.
I’m afraid I wasn’t feeling 100% yesterday and I wanted to say more to you about having conversations with your partner but the words didn’t flow and when they don’t flow it is best not to write. So here I am today with an idea to hopefully help you cope with future conversations. It isn’t a method recommended by professionals but it has worked for many. Sorry if I am repeating some of what I said yesterday.
Imagine when you have conversations with your partner that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you are not talking about gambling and keep your cool it will stay quiet in the corner.
Your partner is controlled by the addiction beast but you are not and nor will you be unless you allow it. When you threaten it by raising anything to do with gambling it leaps between you and takes control of the conversation. It is the master of threats and manipulation and will have you in the middle of an argument without you knowing how you got there. Arguments give it reason to breathe so that it can blame you for all the problems, thus exonerating itself from blame.
Once the addiction beast is in full throttle you will only hear the addiction speaking and because it thrives on lies and deceit it will seek to demoralise you. When you speak, your partner hears your words as though through water, your lips move but the addiction-distorted words don’t make sense.
My CG explained it to me in this way: While I was explaining to him that if he told the truth and lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction-distorted mind was convincing him that I was lying, that only his addiction would save him. When I told him I loved him he believed I was lying because as he said ‘who could possibly love the unlovable, worthless failure’ his addiction had convinced him that he was? Lost and afraid he fought back with more lies, blame and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to block out the lies because by wanting to believe them, you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Caroline, I will hold your hand for as long as you want me to but the amazing thing is that when you come out of the darkness and into the light of recovery, which you will do, it will be you and your strength alone that gets your there.
I hope to ‘meet’ you tonight. The group is easy, if a little daunting at first – it is a rolling scroll and you write whenever and whatever you want to say. You will be able to see who else is in the group with you and all your questions and thoughts will be read and replied to. It does move fast but join in when you can and don’t worry about anything – I will know you are there.
V -
Thank you velvet, it’s so nice to read your posts. It really gives me so much hope and reassurance.
As I expected our discussion with my husband didn’t take place cuz like always he found some excuse ( need to go somewhere, no time, etc) , so for now I have decided to wait and don’t push him and see if he maybe will come to me and talk.
Also I have decided to start focusing on myself and do things which I like. I know it will be hard to do or maybe only hard to start to think not about him but me…
I was just wondering and I’m probably wrong but what would happen if he sees that I’m becoming happy and not so bothered about his behaviour, wouldn’t he think that his actions and gambling don’t affect me and wouldn’t he think then that is ok to behave like this always? See, again I am trying to think about him not myself.
I enjoyed the chat yesterday ?? it was surprising and different, funny too;) -
Hi Caroline
I have started my reply to you but I am being overtaken by the need to nod off so I will finish it tomorrow.
I’m glad you enjoyed the group – they are often surprising, always different, sometimes we have tears but they are usually upbeat and yes sometimes funny.
I will keep your chair free for next Tuesday but for now I must say goodnight.
V
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It’s good that you are going to start doing things that make you happy, it’s essential for the sake of your own sanity ! leaving you in a much better place to think or make more rational decisions.
Who knows what he will think about you becoming happier but looking after you is not a sign that his behaviour no longer bothers you either. Based on my own experience only, I would say that in the throws of the addiction, he would not be remotely bothered about what’s going on with you until after the event and for his own means until he accepts his problem and seeks recovery. The purpose is to help you, not to affect him. Addiction in my opinion is one of the most selfish issues around and many in recovery will tell you that they have had to be totally selfish and concentrate on themselves in order to work their recovery – a selfish addiction requires a selfish recovery, other people come later I’m afraid.
This is true for us too – we have spent a lot of time putting the needs of others before our own and what you are being encouraged to do calls for you to be selfish in order to begin your own recovery. It’s not easy, but like anything else – it gets easier. I no longer live with the addiction but still regularly ‘practice’ the art of looking after me – probably a little too much these days !!
However, I think it depends on what other boundaries you have in place as to whether he can perceive that his gambling no longer bothers you, no one is saying ignore the gambling or that it will no longer bother you – it’s time for you. The effect it had on me was to make me a lot more intolerant of the gambling to the point I walked away so the significance is not to be underestimated, all of our recoveries will be different.
I suspect the addiction will be confused and more rattled by the changes you are about to make, probably more so than confronting it head on, but I guess time will tell.
Give yourself a break, you deserve one
Jenny
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Hi Caroline
I will try and answer your question but I hope you will pop back into the group next Tuesday because another member will probably be there and can tell you the reaction she has had from her CG when she began looking after herself.
The person we love, our CG as we call them, gets used to us behaving in a certain way – you will have cried, pleaded, threatened, demanded, raged and your partner’s addiction will have thrived while you wept. What you will probably not have done is laughed, seen friends, relaxed, put yourself first, said ‘no’ and felt strong enough to carry it through. You have probably become the enabling part of the cycle of the addiction and if nothing you have done so far has stopped that cycle, it seems to make sense to try something different.
As you are the closest person to your CG you will almost certainly be the person he can blame most for his poor behaviour, the person responsible for all his misery and things that are going wrong all around him, the reason the children didn’t behave well or why he mislaid his wallet. He will not want to lose the ability to blame you because he will not want to accept that he is responsibility for the problems surrounding him.
It is important not to put on an act of being in control to get him to react – his addiction will get round that but if you have been doing things that give you pleasure, the things you have denied yourself because of his addiction, you will begin to glow again and it is that which changes your behaviour and makes you stronger and less fearful. Enjoy doing things with the children but don’t expect him to join in because when you do that it opens the door for poor behaviour when he doesn’t want to play which in turn gives him an excuse to gamble because your expectations (in his mind) were unreasonable. I believe it is best not to soothe a CG when he loses but on the other hand it is a waste of breath yelling too – your peace of mind is all important and conserving your energy for yourself is better than blowing it over an addiction that makes no sense.
The other thing that happens when the addiction is in control of your life is that you show the hurt in your expressions, your voice, your appearance – doing things for ourselves means you make an effort to look better and eat better in order to feel better – you give yourself a make-over, a personality/health boost.
I told you on Tuesday that I was a blob; well blobs don’t have personality because they don’t have joy in their hearts. It is really difficult at first to change and I cannot tell you what to do. For the record, I hasten to add, I don’t think you are a blob – I just think you probably don’t feel like ‘you’ anymore. Most F&F find their social lives diminishing as the addiction grows; friends stop enjoying them as much because social events are spoilt with the worry of the addiction; there are too many tears causing too many wrinkles, there isn’t a lot of fun anymore and children looking on feeling left out and insecure.
This is why, I believe it is so important to not only confuse the addiction but strengthen yourself. The cycle has to be broken if decent lives are to be lived. The beauty about learning to love yourself is that you will find you will laugh and dance and sing again – the tears will flow less often and ultimately dry up completely.
I don’t believe in looking after oneself as a means to make a CG change; I don’t believe in looking after oneself as a means of punishing CG. I don’t believe in saying ‘no you can’t join in’ – I just don’t think that forcing things on a CG works.
I believe that the non-CGs can make a difference to their own life and hopefully, maybe, it will show the CG that there is another way, a better way and the person they love is finding it. I believe that when you are strong there is more hope for the CG you love to change because you are not part of the wreckage of the addiction but a rock on which he can, if he determines to stop gambling, lean on.
I hope some of this helps – there are so many different words and it is not always possible the right ones are used. If there is anything you don’t understand come back at me. I will always do my best to answer.
We are all individuals with a common goal but there will always be different outcomes and some may not be the one we hoped for. However, in my opinion, being in control of your own life must be the best outcome for all who come on this site.
I know I have said it before but:- – I would not be writing you to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result. To turn this terrible experience into something good is possible – but there is no denying it does take a lot of work.
Speak soon
V -
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Thank you so much I have read all your posts at least three times that’s how much I enjoyed them.
You all are so amazingly right on how does CG behaves and thinks and what does and doesn’t bother him. You all have definitely convinced me to what I wasn’t sure about so thank you so much for that.
I know that my CG would let me do whatever I want as long as I take all my kids with me and leave him at home or sit with them in the other room so no one can disturb him. I think I’m not the only one that experienced this and many more. The more I read on this website the more I can see that not only me living in such a weird and pathetic situation. I can’t remember who’s thread was it but I read in it that the lady was sleeping with her purse and I couldn’t believe it but I did exactly the same.. Untill he started to search for it so now I keep my money in a place I very much doubt it he would find. Although he did discover some of them in the past. It’s obviously not a lot but enough to treat myself with something nice. As I’m not working i have to do so many daft things like that, throwing recipes away so he doesn’t know how much change I’ve got from shopping, taking sale label off so he thinks I paid full price and many many more simply and sadly because he does not provide spending money for me.
I know it’s easy to say I’m gonna now start thinking about myself and look after myself and kids but I am willing to start trying to do that otherwise I know I will become bigger blob than I am now:).
I hope to be able to come for chat on Tuesday. ?? -
I found out today , two weeks ago my father in law gave my husband ￡300 to basically help my CG with his little home made business that he started after he was clear of gambling for few months.
I obviously knew he’s got money from somewhere and I thought he has changed his allowance from my f.i.l. to his account. His parents and sisters think he isn’t playing and I just don’t know if to tell them.I know if do tell them there’s gonna be another big fight in the family and as my CG says they already have lots of problems. His parents and all family is not approving his gambling addiction, they know it causes a massive problem, his mum always says she is so sorry he is doing it to me. But crying, begging, fighting, setting new rules doesn’t help. And I know if they find out my CG will be so nasty to me, grumpy and god knows what else. I don’t think I am ready for another fight..and my children… i don’t want them to face another shouting and listening to crazy words their CG dad says about me…nothing of which is true. I can’t say I’m perfect as nobody is but I never have done anything to hurt him, lied to him or said bad about him in front of our children. I have always looked after him, he has dinner, clothes ready and everything as normal everyday. And I have never ever complained to anyone about anything else of him except gambling and things that it causes. And I can’t say we haven’t got food, clothes and simple things you need in this life but that’s only because I fought for it. Few years ago after a massive fight I went to my in laws and stayed for few days. After my husband came and smashed the door glass cuz nobody opened( as we all knew if he comes there will be another fight) so we called police and they took me and kids to a hostel for one night. After that I went back cuz like always believed in my CG manipulations. Then I said he has to change the benefits ( yes! He gets benefits, he’s a lazy geek sat all day at home) so we can have shopping and things for kids as they need. So now since then every week me and my in laws go shopping together, his dad gives me my husband’s money in the car and that’s the way it goes. So today his mum asked me did he use that ￡300? And I was shocked and I said I didn’t know anything about it. I think they realised he started playing again, but need my confirmation.and I didn’t say anything.I just said I’ll ask him what happened. I’m not ready for the fight, for the arguments. I know I’m leaving it and making it worse but how can o sort it out without getting everyone involved? If I tell one person all will find out. That’s how it is in his family. Everyone wants to know but no one knows what to do! And my kids need peace now, as they go school and they doing so good there my 5 years old son is progressing so well he might do two years in one. I don’t want to mess their routine and I know if there is a argument there is a lot of shouting, crying and bad words. I don’t know.. Sorry for my baby language and mistakes…I hope someone understood me..I tried my best to write in English. -
Hi Caroline I was reading your post and i could not stop crying as I feel your pain. strangely enough Im in the same situation as you and it feels like I’m reading my own story. I love my husband dearly and he is such a good man the only problem is just this addiction. He has a big family too and they are aware of the extent of his addiction. the same as you My mum passed away 3 yrs ago and my Dad lives in different country too. Thank you for sharing and i hope and pray that things will work out for you
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Dear Caroline
I thought that English was your first language; you are so good, so there is no need for any apology.
I am so very sorry I kept getting disconnected this evening – it has never been like that for me before – very frustrating. I will hopefully make it up next Tuesday with double cyber wine and extra cyber cake.
I did note before I was disconnected that the others were saying they thought you ought to tell your in-laws that your partner is still gambling – having had time to read your post a few times I am strongly inclined to think they are right. I fully appreciate that there could be tears and recriminations but the reason I feel they should be told is that your father-in-law is not helping by giving his son cash. Maybe you could gently explain to him that giving cash to a CG it is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Whatever you do decide to do I think it is so important that you don’t lie for your partner if you are asked again about the ￡300.
As his parents ‘want to know’ but ‘don’t know what to do’, maybe you could explain to them that giving their son cash is feeding his addiction and that if they didn’t do it there would be less need for the shouting and tears when he lets them down. Perhaps you could ask them not to make a big issue of it this time but to help you and their son in a different way.
It is not fair that you are in the middle, so I suggest that maybe you could tell them that this is the last time you want to be caught in this way.
Keep posting – not only is your English amazing, you are doing so well understanding your partner, his family and your children – they are all lucky to have you in their lives but please take care of yourself because ‘you’ really matter.
V -
Hi fresiajess! I have just seen your post and i am very sorry you have to deal with a husband that gambles. All of us here have experienced a lot due to Cgs even though we all have different level of patience, understanding and faith. I am sure a lot of people here have missed it too so hopefully when velvet reads it she will advice you to write more about yourself that you will get great support you might need. I am looking forward to read more about you and hopefully we can learn more from each other. Take care, fresiajess.
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Hi Fresiajess
Hi Fresiajess
I know how easy it is to relate to the problems of other and to weep for them but your story is unique and however much you relate to Caroline, you are special and deserve to be heard too.
Please start your own thread; other members cannot give you the support that is individual to you on someone else’s thread.
At the bottom of the F&F forum page there is a box entitled ‘New topic’, click on it, give your thread a title and then write as much or as little as you want to about that which worries you. Scroll down and click on ‘Save’ and your thread appears on the forum.
I won’t write much here as this is Caroline’s thread but I do hope to be able to communicate with you soon when you start yours.
You are only a couple of clicks away from being with those who understand you and are willing to support you.
Velvet -
I’m getting ready for the usual conversations(if you can call them like that as it’s usually expressing his needs, feelings and promises he’s gonna stop’from Monday’). I know he has nearly finished the￡300. I know cuz he started talking to me again, played for a while with kids and visited his mum. Coming back to life like nothing never happened..and I am very much dreading it. There is so many options how is he possibly gonna behave and what is he gonna say that my head is so full of thoughts and my stomach squeezed by thinking what is gonna happen. I know I can’t for any reason agree to give him money but I am weak at this or maybe he is so good to break me and for my little bit of peace I give up. Don’t know what tactic is best, I’ve tried I think all. And to simply ignore his behaviour is not possible at all especially when kids are watching.. I have tried to go out but he stands by the door, I run upstairs he follows me, he does crazy things that make me so upset, sick and at that moment I’m ready to walk away..and as I have nowhere to go and no money I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this house and he knows this. He knows I won’t be able to go anywhere and that is why I’m guessing he thinks he can do what he wants. Going to his parents is pointless, not effective and more stressful then staying. Talking politely, screaming, shouting, crying..nothing helps. I have no idea how am I gonna pass that.
And I still have to tell his parents he is gambling again..
Despite all my worries and duties I have managed to buy myself two pairs of shoes ?? and it feels good..walking in town looking only for ‘my stuff’ was making me little bit happy and also i hope to meet my friend next week for chat. So I’m looking forward to that. -
Hi Caroline. I am a CG. I don’t usually post here but I felt compelled to. I have been gamble free for some years now. Your Husband has to want to stop gambling and he needs to get help, GA meetings, counseling. I think you should tell your in laws that he is still gambling. No money= no gambling. He will continue his behavior until he is serious about stopping. I put my family through a lot. I am now present for them and I love all the time I spend with them. I know it must be a awful place that you are in. He will continue to manipulate his family for money. He will continue to start fights with you. He is in denial and doesn’t want to stop gambling. Take care of yourself and your children. You have to put yourself first.
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Hi Caroline
It was good to see you in group. I can see from your posts you have many questions about your husband and his behaviour and is good to learn about the addiction. I can share my journey so far with you and I hope some of it may help you come to your own decisions.
If you read my thread you will see my ex left myself and young daughter after argument about money. He moved back to his mothers who continues to enable and bail him out. I had known of his gambling problem for years and mistakenly believed by ex was trying to control it. Although he kept telling me he was trying to stop and we were going through the motions of me taking financial control he was actively gambling and I believe now had no intention of stopping .
We had lived in the same cycle for years although I did not realise this. He’d storm out we would separate. After a period of time I’d forget how bad things got and want the happy family and we would get back together only for the cycle to continue.
What has changed? I found this site and just read and read for months. I finally accepted my exs addiction and the power and control it had over him I didn’t understand how to look after myself at first. Ididnt know how to break free. I tried to arrange contact with my ex for our daughter , he made it difficult. He made communication diffficult, he made everything difficult!! I argued with him, I challenged him , I pleaded with him which only served to upset me more. Everything was hard as it revolved around him. I wore myself out thinking of what he may do or say next. None of it served any purpose.
Then I tried doing things for myself although my heart wasn’t in it. I’d forgotten all about me and what I liked doing as I was so wrapped up in my ex. Velvet gave me great advice. Fake it until you make it.!!
Slowly I started to think about me. I stopped trying to worry about my ex and started thinking about what I liked to do. Every time I responded to my ex or tried to control or worry about what he was doing I felt unhappy. When I looked at me I felt better. I could not control him.
So how did I start doing this?. The most simple things, meeting up with a friend, going for a walk. Planning something in advance that didn’t even mean contacting my ex or sharing anything with him. Building a wall of strength around me gave me some space and clarity. My mind became less full of gambling. Not responding to a text or comment designed to manipulate me to cause an argument so I could be blamed for gambling. Without me to blame what could my ex do to justify his gambling?
The turning point for both my ex and I was when I went on holiday with my daughter without him there. I felt empowered. I had been on holiday with my ex every year for the previous 8 or 9 years even through periods of separation. I think he felt confused. I felt alive for the first time in a long time ( and this was only in a caravan in Wales imagine if it had been somewhere exotic!)
I had stopped contacting him to make arrangements to see our daughter and when I stopped taking responsibility for him he started to do it for himself although still gambling. His behaviour improved as I learnt to impose boundaries. Simple things like having agreements in place for contact arrangements, not contacting him at all about our daughter if he was late. All of this has happened over the past 7 months. It seems small steps at the time but when I look back I have made huge strides. Throughout all of this he continues to live at his mothers. She supports him and although we were in contact this has very much reduced. My daughter sees her with my ex. She continues to enable him. His problem is not really talked about.
I would be lying if I said this was easy. It is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I make mistakes, i slip to old patterns but they are slips and i am moving forward. I question myself but try and remain positive. My daughter is generally happy. The thing that has changed the most is the belief in myself. My self esteem has grown. I trust my instinct more. I know me best and my CG best. I had lost sight of this.
A few weeks ago my ex started talking about the idea of change. Reducing gambling. Now this means nothing unless backed up with actions. His behaviour has improved over the months. His reliability has improved. He wants to see our daughter. He wants to be involved. His life is not totally consumed by gambling.
Last weekend he lost control of his gambling again. Since then he has been talking about the need to stop. How he can’t control gambling. How he doesn’t even enjoy it.
I know he needs support to stop. I have mentioned this and will continue to do so. I do not know whether this will last or how long his desire to stop will remain. He is currently not gambling. I’m trying hard to continue to do as I have been. Not to get sucked in. Remaining on this site rereading my posts helps me do this.
A CG is very convincing and manipulative. I have to remain strong and not doubt myself.Carolinea you have found this site . I know you are looking to change. You are strong enough to do it. Believe in yourself, focus on you. Your husband will eventually notice when you shift the focus away from him. He will do as he wants, you are not responsible for him and his behaviour. You are not responsible for his family and their choices. Do what is right for you and your children. It’s the only thing that will help you. Find your peace.
I hope this makes sense. It is just my journey. It will continue and I must keep working on me. I don’t want to live with the addiction anymore. I don’t you do either.
Kind regards
Take care m x
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Dear Michelle! I don’t know if you realize but what you wrote is so amazing and so powerful in my view. I am so much thankful to you for it. Your words have given me a lot of encouragement and I really really want to fight myslelf over and I will read your post over and over again to remind myself I have to stay strong.
Today I came back from shopping and like every week I have to have change for him(20-30 pounds) .he asked me to give it to him but I said no, can’t afford it. He nagged few more times and then said he’ll take it tomorrow. Tomorrow my friend is visiting me and I know if I won’t give him that money he will make massive fight and I will have to cancel the meeting…that happened few weeks ago as well. I’m fed up. -
Caroline, would you consider changing whatever cash you have int Gift Vouchers? Lots of shops issue these, instead of cash. You can use them for food and household needs.
Your CG will nag you for cash.
He will be less interested in “vouchers”!
Just say “I have NO cash, only food vouchers”!
That will throw him off!
Just a little “CG” tip!!!
Sshh!! -
Dear Caroline
Does your friend know that you husband has an addiction to gambling? Are you going out with her or is the meeting in your home?
In my opinion, seeing your friend is most important – it is a pleasure for you and a break from the addiction and that is what you need. I am of the opinion that enabling you to have a break is so important that I am inclined to say give him a little and enjoy your time or if your friend doesn’t mind the row don’t give him any at all.
You will become powerful when you look after yourself and I know you can do it.
Vera, Sad and I are in agreement Carolinea – ‘you’ matter.
Velvet -
Wow Vera! That’s a good idea, I will have to try that trick with him.thanks!
Yeh Sad, I did think about disappearing from the house before he start asking but I’ve got a feeling he will do it as soon as kids are out to school..
My friend doesn’t know anything about it , she is a good friend and I did spent a lot of time thinking if to tell her or not. It’s hard to open up and explain so many painful things..I often imagine in my head myself talking about it to my dad and all I do is cry and I just break down..I don’t know if I could tell her…maybe time will show.
Velvet I really want to meet her tomorrow cuz I’m basically longing for a break from this house. We decided if the weather is nice we’ll go for a walk in the park otherwise we just sit at mines.Thank you all so much for your support, it makes huge difference to my thinking.thank you. -
Here we go, episode 1 has started. He said to go and put the 20 in his bank cuz he set up direct debit for our children fees and he’ll be short of money so it’ll bounce back. I told him not my problem,that it’s his idea to set it up and to be honest I don’t know if he’s saying the truth or not. Anyway he started rumbling so many offences that my ears became red, I just can’t believe how can your own husband say so many bad words to you, how can he hurt you so much.does he think my heart is made of stone or what? He just put all tins and food packets out of cupboards, all sweets and chocolates on the floor..I’m getting ready and going out. I’ll meet my friend somewhere in town or might go to her. Sorry I feel better after I wrote it all.
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Dear Caroline
Never apologise on this forum Caroline – I am really glad you feel better for writing that post because his behaviour was that of an obnoxious spoilt child. The tragedy is, he is not a child and that is why his nasty comments really hurt.
He doesn’t hurt you because he thinks your heart is made of stone – quite the opposite, he does it because you are vulnerable and his addiction is manipulative – it feels threatening because it is designed to get you to do or give what he wants.
The only way to deal with unjustified words being thrown at you by an active CG is to close your ears and recognise that they have an addiction and most importantly – you do not. He is not behaving responsibly towards his family and he is trying to deflect his failure to provide, on to you; but you know that you are a good mum; you know you are holding your home together and you must never forget it.
I do hope you have told your friend about your husband because keeping his secret is not good for you – or for him. When I first joined Gamanon it took me many, many weeks to say ‘hi I’m ******* and I am the mother of a compulsive gambler’. It was as though all the shame in world was heaped on to me and I wept for weeks when I tried to say the words. However with support from all the others I opened my mouth one evening and the words were out – the relief was immense and here I am 10 years on from that moment and I have never forgotten the feeling of relief – I have never felt that shame again.
Gradually Caroline you will gain your strength but you can only take little steps at the beginning. Going out with your friend today should feel like a big step – I hope so. I hope that even if you tell her about your situation at home there will be time for you to laugh together.
Speak soon
V -
Hope you had a lovely day out with your friend, Caroline.
You deserve a break from the house.
As for the items being emptied from the cupboard, he is most likely searching to see if you have hidden the cash. My advice is to leave them where he put them. Don’t pick them up. It’s his way of demeaning you. Keep out of any discussions about money or educational plans he says he has set up for the children. It is HIGHLY unlikely that an active CG would set up an account for anything. All we need is a stash of cash and when that runs out we need to know who will be the easiest target to supply more. Words mean very little at this point. Just tell him you will not be responding when he uses abusive terms. Don’t be afraid to tell the children “daddy is being mean to me because I won’t give him money” . CGs like a smoke screen. Be blunt, but as respectful as you can.
Not all CGs behave in this manner. His behaviour is totally unacceptable by any standard. No excuses! I heard a CG sharing at a GA meeting how he shook his two year old baby because he was frustrated he couldn’t have a bet. I was livid. If I was a man he would have felt a heavy hand on the back of his neck. He should have been asked to leave but nobody reacted . I cannot understand why not but they put it down to being non judgemental. I would draw the line when it comes to abuse. Nobody was impressed. All the other men lowered their eyes. A bully will use every excuse to get his own way. Leave the room when he starts and ask him not to embarrass himself !
You seem like a wonderful mother and a gentle lady. Protect yourself Caroline. Nobody deserves abuse! -
Yes! I’ve made it today without giving him any money . There was another episode with the cupboards but I ignored it and carried on not looking and going in his way. Thanks velvet,Vera and sad. Your comments gave me a lot to think of and it’s so good to read someone is always by your side to support you. I never thought about the fact that my husband could be a bully..I know he does all the mess to annoy me and make me fell like his feeling and it only happens when he needs money to gamble. But who knows Sad, maybe you’re right. I didn’t tell my friend as we had a good 3hours of just talking about nice things and I didn’t want to spoil it. I think eventually I will tell her but maybe not yet. Tomorrow is another day to pass. Well actually there’s a long night still and I just hope he will let me sleep in peace.. I hope tomorrow will be as good as today and I will not break.thank you once more for all your support and great advice.
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Ospite
What a wonderful lady you are.its hard when you feel that you only have little moments of peace, you sound strong. It’s the getting back up that is hard for all sides the lack of trust the what ifs are always around.
Then I have learned that I have think for kids and do my very best not to be eaten away of the gambling that there dad faces, its hard to go on with my day but I have to.
Please keep posting and try that all we can do try. -
You are right Tania. Our own children give us that last hope, they are our last rope to hold on to when we feel like to fall. We have to stay strong for them
I still didn’t give him even though he asked for it. I don’t know what he was saying as I was pretending to talk to my little one butit was one of his go at me again. Threatened meas well to take my phone of me tomorrow. My in-laws went out for a weekend so he knows I won’t be able to go and complain. It’s gonna be hard tomorrow.I know that. And kids at home, don’t want to fight when they see. He is obviously an active gambler and not in recovery so what should I do.should I just give him? I think I’m loosing it again. .. -
Threatening to take your phone may be his way of cutting off your link with friends and family,Caroline
In other words, bullying!
Hide or immobilize your phone so that he can’t take it.
He might be planning to sell it.
Do NOT give him money.
Change it for food vouchers when you still have the chance.
It is “family” money. Not “gambling” money.
Keep a step ahead. -
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Dear Caroline
In the middle of the confusion that is going on around you, how are you doing?
I cannot tell you what to do because I know how difficult it is to withhold money, etc from someone who is menacing. It is easy to say do this or don’t do that but in practise it is so much harder and when the manipulation is too great we don’t necessarily get it right – which is why looking after you is more important than anything else.
It is easy to become a detective in your own home and it is not a feeling that sits well with F&F. However trying to second guess what your CG is doing all the time is very wearing and achieves nothing. He will carry on in his own sweet way until he has had enough. Allowing a CG to fall is really hard but it is a whole lot easier when ‘you’ are strong.
I really hope you will get round to telling a friend. You do need support. I know that those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble cannot understand what is going on in your life but they can support you. You can get all the information you want here so you are not asking for opinions, just support for you and that is what a friend should want to give. Perhaps you could take a deep breath and say ‘Charlie is a compulsive gambler’ and leave it up to her to ask questions if she wishes or just give you a hug. Maybe she will not want to talk about it and you can change the subject but if she wants to support you then you have a true friend to turn to.
Speak soon
Velvet -
Dear Velvet, I had a bit of a struggle to answer your question about how am I doing in all of this mess and this is because there is something that has certainly changed in my thinking and reacting to his poor behaviour and nagging. I’ve noticed when he is doing the things I wrote in the previous posts it doesn’t really so much bother me anymore. I am annoyed and stressed but I am trying to not to think about the mess he leaves and what and why on earth is he doing it to me. I try to walk away into another room and get busy in something else. I am stressed I’m not saying it’s nice or funny but I am basically forcing myself not to get tangled in his behaviour. And I have noticed he isn’t doing as much mess as before and he walks away much faster. I have noticed as well that I smiled few times when he was talking like mad man. It wasn’t a smile as if he made me laugh but a smile, a smirk as if you know and understand why is he doing that and what made him behave like this. I don’t know if I make sense and do you understand what I’m trying to say, it’s hard to express your feelings in a different language and probably too many of them inside me that just tumble. I didn’t cry this weekend. Surprisingly. I am really really trying not to think of the problems that gambling causes to me. I’m trying, I’m faking it and I hope I will make it one day. And I am glad I have such an amazing support on here and am understood by so many. Thank you.
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Hi Caroline
It is amazing how easy it is to forget to think ‘how am I?’ when you are in the midst of addiction. Constantly worrying about your partner’s welfare and behaviour will almost certainly have kept you in the loop of his addiction.
It is good that you have now thought about yourself and great that you can see a difference in how you feel. Your partner almost certainly does not create mess just to upset you; his mind is addled by an addiction that creates messy thinking resulting in messy behaviour. What you have achieved, hopefully, is to bring the mess he was creating to his attention by not mentioning it.
I do understand the smile but be careful to keep it inside you – you are learning more about his addiction than he knows. His addiction will have taken away his self-esteem and confidence just as it will have done yours and his world is very sad and confusing.
I think you express your feelings fantastically and I hope I understand them and answer you adequately.
V
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Things have calmed down a bit. He hasn’t asked for money, although found 10 in my phone case on Sunday. It was a big disappointment that I left it laying around. Anyway I am happy I managed not to give him money for whole week. Despite all the troubles he gave me I stayed strong and I’m tried of this but glad. Now I can’t stop thinking about next time he asks for money. I constantly think and arrange plan in my head what to say and how to act. I have to be prepared in any occasion. I’m tired of this. I know if I relax too much with not thinking about it he will easily ‘eat me’. I am literally waiting for his next move. I just can’t stop thinking of what will happen. Now I know how extremely hard it is to get out of this and think about yourself. He started talking to me about normal things, everyday usual stuff. Is this his plan to make me get closer to him again, or is he trying to get normal and maybe don’t gamble? Am I very naive to think he wants to stop? I really don’t want to be a detective but how do you stop thinking non stop about it
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Ospite
Indeed it is frustrating, he it seems that your life is in what move they make but it’s can’t and shouldn’t. You learn to see though them and their lies. Maybe this free time from gambling is an opportunity to look for help for you I don’t know if you go to a church they are their to help or contact people from ga and gn. Please don’t drive your self insane is not you its the active addiction.
Look for opportunities options to make your self better small steps.
Just on the side from his addition what did Caroline wanted to achieve. Talk to him ask him want he wants to achieve in life.
Even though it’s just a moment. Don’t let it eat you its him! Gosh that has taken me while to comprehend. They don’t use comen sence.
We try not to be mean about the money but they use it as a tool I was told that they should only have like has money but not big amounts they can’t control them self.
Keep posting your strong don’t forget that!! -
Oh my days, Sad! Thanks a lot for your comment. It makes so much sense what you’ve wrote how and why he behaves like that. Thank you for advice on the protein. I may consider it although he is a big no no for medication.
Tania thank you for your support. I wish you the best with marriage counselling! Fingers crossed.
Velvet! I didn’t know it was your son that is a CG! I always thought is your husband. It must have been tremendously hard for you to deal with it, can’t imagine how strong you must be! You know, we always have a choice to leave our husbands and start our lives again but being a mum of a CG son it’s like unbelievable hard cuz no mother would ever leave her son, I think. Wow velvet.
Today I do feel a little bit more happy and that’s cuz he’s calmed down a bit now. He did tried his luck today but I said no, I won’t give him. I am fighting with myself a bit. I want to do something nice for myself but then I think what’s the point and don’t do it. It’s hard, now I know how difficult it is to get back to normal life. But at least now I know I need to do it for the best of myself and him. I think for now I take one day at a time. -
All the good work I thought I was doing is lost in one day. It was the worst Saturday and night since long time. I’ve been put down by him to the ground with his verbal abuses, mess and behaviour. I don’t think I can take this anymore. All of it just for￡20. I was trying to be strong and not give him and instead I ended up heart broken, hopeless and hard to say but I’m with the feeling that if I die today it would be much better. I feel so sad. I am so much fed up of this life, of living like this. Today I ended up giving him that stupid money. He wouldn’t take our kids to their fund raiser when they attend to play sport activity. I hate weekends, I hate my shopping day. I hate the days when he knows I got money or i will go and get some to go town. I don’t even feel like to write what he was doing. All I know my house looked like a skip. From emptying bin bags on kitchen floor, mixing all herbs and spices, breaking my new two pairs of shoes, breaking wall upstairs passage, emptying tool box with all screws on the floor, emptying about five bottles of water on our bed and my little ones cot, cutting all my paper work and cards, hiding kettle and stuff. And the list would go on.. Gosh, how does it sound? Am I living with a mad man? So many insults, so many heart breaking words. Why don’t they realise what they doing, he said in the end it’s not about that 20 anymore but that I stopped listening and not giving him. That made him even more angry he said. When I started telling kids dad made mess cuz he wants money, he started saying mum is a prostitute so I left the subject cuz didn’t want my kids listen to that language. For words game I will never win with him cuz he’s got a big mouth at home. To be honest I don’t know if I can win with anything with him. If only I had money, place to go and documents I would run away from here.that’s how I feel at the moment. He would say stop feeling sorry for yourself. stop looking for sympathy. And I’m that dumb that I nearly believe he’s right.
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Caroline you are not that dumb! A CG in the middle of a binge is not rational. At the moment he can’t hear you and its probably best if you don’t interact with him. You are right … you will never win. Please stay safe and try to find somebody to talk to for support… this is too hard to face alone.
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This is abuse Caroline and yet I understand your last line – ‘I nearly believe he is right’
He is not right and his behaviour is certainly not right.
But I completely understand how you question yourself because you have had so many years of this treatment.
Watch the pattern, watch him come back all apologetic saying it will never happen again – until the next time.
Yes he will have a good side and a charming side and we start to become over grateful for the scraps of kindness they throw us after a bad episode.we want the pain to go away and the peace to be restored but unless he is dealing with his addiction it will not last.
Keep writing it down here until you feel strong enough to decide what actions you can take.
Step outside of this. Think of your best friend telling you this story. What would you say to them? Would you think it was your friends fault?
It is so hard when you are caught up in the middle of addiction.
I used to get angry and my friends would say ‘stay angry’ because they had seen me give in so many times to unacceptable behaviour even though I said time and time again that I could not take anymore.
I have noticed that with a bully, often when you do stand up to them they crumble. I agree with worried mama that when he is in this irrational mood it is best not to confront him but there should be consequences for his behaviour. It is a disgusting way to behave and there is no real excuse.
I think you should confide more in your friends. This is a very difficult thing to cope with on your own. Do not feel shame or that you have to cover up for him. Put your own needs first. I hid my situation for a long time and then the dam burst and I have only found kindness and support.
My situation went on so long that I lived a very abnormal life but it somehow became my ‘ normal’ and this abnormal version of normal can go on for years and in my case become more and more extreme.
Keep writing it all down here. I really believe it will help you to see how unacceptable his behaviour his and give you the strength to find a path through this.
I am angry for you. How dare he say such things in front of your children?
There is always hope.
Jilly -
Hi Caroline
It seems your partner’s behaviour is intimidating and frightening. In my opinion, I think you would do well to approach Women’s Aid.
It seems to me that with his addiction running wild he is becoming more unstable. I don’t know whether you have confided in a friend yet or not but you are physically alone and that concerns me. Violence is not symptomatic of an addiction to gamble Caroline but if your partner was a violent man before he became a CG, his addiction could trigger violent reactions.
You are not the slightest bit dumb; you are fantastic the way you are putting your message across. I agree with worriedmama that your husband is deaf but this behaviour is totally unacceptable.
Please keep posting and please look after yourself
Velvet -
The thing is he never acts like that if it’s not about money for gambling. He would never do things like this after a normal argument. It’s only when he needs the money to gamble. It is his way of making me give him the money. It is purely when he needs to gamble. Over them years it was so easy to make me enabler. It’s 3-4 years when he found this new way to make me give him. I don’t know if it’s two separate issues, and how do I find out. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I am being abused. I didn’t know, you have opened my eyes to this. I will have to read about it. Thank you sad,Vera, worried mama, velvet, and jilly! I will check out the website womens aid. Today has been quiet. Not talking to each other. Avoiding each other way. I am thinking non stop about telling my friend. It’s hard to open up with your feelings and things you’ve gone through. After all them years keeping it all inside I got used to it. I am very thankful for all your support. I’m still upset what he said and done, putting smile outside. Harder than I thought is looking after yourself. Takes time I guess.
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Hi Caroline
In my opinion, telling a friend will be a release for you. I suggest you both have a coffee in front of you and you are sitting comfortably together, then take a deep breath and just come out with it ‘Mary I need to tell you that Fred is a compulsive gambler’. I would be surprised if she didn’t immediately ask what that means and then maybe you could tell her a little of what it means to you, Don’t worry if you cry, I remember the first time I said it I choked on the words. It took weeks to get them out but having done so the relief was fantastic. How far you go with what you tell her will probably depend on her reaction – I have found many people are genuinely interested and a few remain totally blank, which is not surprising, as you and I know, it is hard to believe.
I feel that this would be a good step for you to take towards ‘your’ recovery. Your recovery is so important Caroline, not just for you and your sons but for your partner also.
When your partner is calm, maybe you could talk to him about feeing afraid when he is throwing things around – if he is not a violent person he may be shocked to hear he has scared you.
I think you are right when you say that your partner has got used to you being an enabler over the years – I suspect he is confused by the change in you and in frustration appears to have caused chaos for a reaction. ‘If’ you are ever afraid, however, please leave the home and seek help – the Women’s Aid can advise you on what support is available.
I will leave it there for tonight Caroline but please keep talking. I hope to ‘see’ you tomorrow in the group.
Velvet -
You seem to be confused by your husband’s behaviour, Caroline. This was one of the ploys I used to allow myself to gamble. If I could confuse other people, it gave me power over them It’s a form of bullying. A very cowardly trait! Bullying scares people. I do not believe that your husband is unaware of the effect his behaviour has on you. I do not like the way you still defend him and try to play down his abuse. There is no other word for it except “abuse” Caroline. The longer you tolerate this nonsense the more habit forming it becomes. Someone has to break this cycle. I think you will be the person who does that. Your husband is acting and reacting in a very inappropriate way for a mature man and a father . I am not judging HIM just pointing out that this behaviour is not acceptable and will damage you and your children. Stay strong . Use all the support you can get and never give up hoping. There is a better life ahead Caroline.
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Im Spending night at his parents house. I packed my bags and took kids there.told them everything he’s done. Yesterday he started verbally abusing me, swearing and threaten me. I had to leave. I was going town and he was walking next to me swearing at me and stuff. So I just went to his mum and told them what happened.they said to stay here and don’t go back until he get some help. But it’s only two houses away and so easy for him to come. I Hope the police won’t need to come and this would be second time so all social services would find out and that’s the last thing I want. It’s so hard. He wouldn’t admit anything when his dad went to talk to him. I am lucky to have my in laws and that they exactly know who I am as he tried to turn it that it’s all my fault. They said I can’t come back and risk my and kids life. They very shocked. There is two options that can happen. He will come knocking and make a commotion and big mess (as police and shouting etc) or he will just leave it and don’t come for some time. But knowing him-the first option is more probable. I’m so stressed.
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Thank you velvet.
I’m back to my house. There were the most exhausted days of my life. So many feelings, thoughts, doubts, hopes. We have agreed to many things and the main one is that he needs to show me he doesn’t gamble anymore. And I know exactly how he behaves when he’s not gambling and when he is. So far it’s been two days and I know he hasn’t played. I can see he’s trying, but he gets urges at least 15 times a day he told me. He needs to try hard otherwise I hope he did take it serious I will be leaving him next time. I wish I know how to support him with staying out of gambling. I know it will be hard. And I know it’s surprising I’m still with him willing to support him after all he’s done to me but I can see in him lots of potential to be successful if only he fights it right. For now I have put all my attention towards him and I’m a little bit unsure if I can start again looking after myself, so that he doesn’t feel left out. -
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Hi Caroline
I hope to hear that your situation is improving but whatever has happened, you will, of course, be listened to with understanding.
It has been good to ‘talk’ to you in the groups – it is easier to be open when our words are not so public. I am not going to write anymore at the moment unless you post again and of course I hope to ‘see’ you tomorrow, I will keep your seat warm.
Welcome back.
V -
Thank you Velvet for your warm welcome it was very much needed. You are right, in the group talk it is so much easier to explain and you are much more understood. I agree with what you said there and I’m glad all of people in the group expressed the same thought about it.
I have made changes to this thread just in case. My CG is doing quite alright at the moment. He hasn’t played for at least 2 weeks and I can see a little improvement in his behaviour. He has made himself occupied with lots of different activities, something he likes to do. I can see he is looking to pass his time, he goes out to his mum, rings his sisters and many different things to keep him busy. He is communicating with me much better, explains things to me politely and involves me in some of the things he does. I am not going over exited to things he tells me or asks for recommendation. I listen and advice if he wants me to, I do show him that I am interested in it. But don’t want to put all my heart in it yet cuz I’ve done that many times when I involved all myself in something he was doing and because of gambling he left it and I was left on my own to deal with it. So for now I am taking small steps and being very careful. I can see improvement. He hasn’t asked for money, he reduced talking about changing all payments to his account. I hope he will take small steps at a time like me. I did mention this website to him but heard excuses so for now I will try not to pressure him. Never know he might read in here…we don’t talk about gambling for now, I don’t mention it, I don’t blame him for wasting so much money and life. I thought maybe that way will be better. He said he is happy he didn’t play for so long and I really hope he will keep it up. I’m still unsure if to keep myself a bit of a distance to his life just in case. Can’t stop thinking what if he starts again…it’s an awful feeling. -
Hi Caroline
His progress sounds good but you are right not to get excited, it is early days – but true recoveries do have to start somewhere and nobody can ever judge when that is – not even the CG.
With regard to his slipping again – it happens, it doesn’t ‘have’ to happen but if it is nipped in the bud it need not be a negative thing.
He is going without support at the moment and that is not the best way forward but as long as he feels better for being gamble-free it is something for him to look back on if he slips – he needs good memories because at the moment they are not good.
This is a really difficult time for you I know – it is impossible not to have your hopes raised slightly but they will be heavily tinged with fear. I can only say ‘enjoy the gamble-free days’ and hopefully your pleasure will make him feel that what he is doing is worthwhile.
All that you have said you are doing sounds great; it doesn’t help to bring up the past when a recovery might be happening. I suggest you don’t praise but show your appreciation by being happier yourself – while keeping an eye on his behaviour at the same time. There is no point in blaming a CG for the waste of time and money because nothing will change what has gone before – you are maintaining a fine balance and that sound just right.
Speak soon
Velvet -
How foolish was I thinking he’s fighting the addiction. Out of the blue he got a phone call and after that was a bit exited looking for paper work, documents. He’s took out 400 loan from provident. They came to the house when I was out and signed the agreement and gave him cash. I found out after reading his email. He’s lied saying next week they’ll bring cash but I’ve read the email and when he was sleeping I felt notes in his pocket. So I knew he’s not telling me the truth. He must have applied for it ages ago online and now they rang him. And what a surprise he’s been upstairs laying under blanket for the whole day following the busy evening on the computer. He said if it will make me happy he will cancel it next week when they come for the repayment. Does he think I’m that stupid that I’m gonna believe him. And then he said until all the money are transferred to his account he’s gonna do what he wants. But who’s gonna trust him to do that? Then he argues he can’t show he is responsible cuz hasn’t got access to money. So many confused messages from his mouth. I am so confused what to do, what to say and how to speak to him. I know there is only chance for him if only he wants to change himself and I won’t be able to change him but how long is it gonna last? There was a time when he admitted he needs to change and he did it for few months but now he’s forgotten about that. And he doesn’t wanna hear anything to do with professional help and meetings. Such a rollercoaster.
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How foolish was I thinking he’s fighting the addiction. Out of the blue he got a phone call and after that was a bit exited looking for paper work, documents. He’s took out 400 loan from provident. They came to the house when I was out and signed the agreement and gave him cash. I found out after reading his email. He’s lied saying next week they’ll bring cash but I’ve read the email and when he was sleeping I felt notes in his pocket. So I knew he’s not telling me the truth. He must have applied for it ages ago online and now they rang him. And what a surprise he’s been upstairs laying under blanket for the whole day following the busy evening on the computer. He said if it will make me happy he will cancel it next week when they come for the repayment. Does he think I’m that stupid that I’m gonna believe him. And then he said until all the money are transferred to his account he’s gonna do what he wants. But who’s gonna trust him to do that? Then he argues he can’t show he is responsible cuz hasn’t got access to money. So many confused messages from his mouth. I am so confused what to do, what to say and how to speak to him. I know there is only chance for him if only he wants to change himself and I won’t be able to change him but how long is it gonna last? There was a time when he admitted he needs to change and he did it for few months but now he’s forgotten about that. And he doesn’t wanna hear anything to do with professional help and meetings. Such a rollercoaster.
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I could have known he would tell me he’s not bothered about the company and how bad it is and that he wasted it all and no money is left from it. So I asked him how is he gonna repay it now? He said he doesn’t know, he’s got for the first repayment. But then? I can only guess he is gonna start asking me again to get him money. For now he is quiet and not coming in my way, trying to avoid any gambling subject and talk about normal things. That’s only if he decides to come downstairs to eat and stuff between the matches that he bet on. Honesty I’m fed up of this. I’m so fed up I even told his sister about the loan. She was shocked and asked shall she tell him what is he doing? I know in one way he should get told off but I know that wouldn’t change anything and it would definitely made him behave worst towards me which I am not ready to take again yet. But then on the other side I don’t want to hide his gambling anymore from his family, well at least his sister and his dad. So I’m so confused and full of doubts what to do.
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Dear Caroline
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that ‘He must have been thinking ‘oh wow that was easy’, – it would be the reaction of most CGs getting enablement with such little effort. I personally think it is scary how easy it is and how wrong it is that society allows vulnerable people to be exploited in this way.
Having said that, in my opinion you did the right thing sharing with his sister. You mention his sister and his dad – is that because you have more understanding with them and from them? What are they doing towards supporting you generally? How are they treating your partner?
In my opinion Caroline you need legal advice – you are being taken into a world of serious debts against your will. Many companies these days get a harder time than they used to when they lend money to vulnerable people but there is still not enough control. Your partner hasn’t got a clue what he is getting himself into, he is being driven by his addiction and taking you and his sons along for the ride.
I think you should keep talking to his family; they are the grandparents and aunt of your boys after all. Explain to them that shouting at him doesn’t work but maybe try and persuade them to encourage him towards taking control by seeking help for his addiction.
I would like to see you get off this roller-coaster soon Caroline but I think you need on-the-ground support, as the mother of three small boys you are vulnerable. It is time he realized that he cannot control his addiction without help from others and maybe it takes his family to get him to see that. Have you told him that you have sought support for you?
I hope to ‘speak’ to you later
V -
Thank you velvet for your reply. I regret very much i couldn’t stay and talk with you yesterday and get some advice. I hope to be able to do that next week.
I haven’t told him about the support i have. I’m a bit unsure if that would be good idea for now cuz he would then know i have learnt a lot and in some moments i will know how to behave with his addiction, plus he might start reading and find the way to stop me trying to live my life and use it against me and also i think at the moment he would not understand any reason why i done that. What is your opinion about telling your cg for having support for yourself?
Telling his sister and dad only means that they are aware of him gambling again and they don’t fall in his trap. None of us know what else we can do for him. His sister and all his family tried to tell him to get support but he refuses. We all tried to talk with him calmly but serious about help. We tried to scare and that didn’t help. They even stopped talking to him for a while but failed too. All his family treat him good, they try to involve him in things, take him weekends to visit siblings but at the same time whenever there is any chance they would remind him to seek help and try to stop gambling. He always minimise it and says he’s not doing anything. I’m sure he would have great support from them if only he would like to listen to any advice given by them. I know i can always come and stay at their house if anything happens. But it’s just that helplessnes that is hung in the air. None of us can change him, none of us knows what to do but we all know that carrying on like that it’s not an option and there has to be some action taken. Waiting and waiting for him to realise the support is the only way to stop might take donkeys years and who wants to wait that long. -
I am so very sorry that you are in such a difficult and painful position. You can only keep on doing what you are… getting some support for yourself and hoping that your husband finds his way to recovery.
Please take care of yourself. Its too easy to get lost in the chaos which does nobody any good. -
Worriedmama, I think you are right. I have to think about myself aswel but it’s so hard to do. This addiction ruined not only my husband’s life but mine too. And it will ruin my childrens life aswel if i don’t do something to protect them from it. I’m feeling down today, he’s got paid his allowance today and gambling it all away. He won’t agree to give it to anyone or change the payment to anyones account. Thank you worriedmama, your words are supportive and i think i need them a lot. I need some kind of kick to get me out of this doubting thoughts. It’s all so crazy, his gambling in one room and I’m sitting in the other crying and worrying.. But what does he care. I feel angry, upset and hearing all that sport comments make me feel like to scream out loud! He is basically gambling without any shame and does he think I don’t know that he is doing it right now? What am I supposed to do, go and shout him, let him just sit and gamble..I’ve tried all solutions and nothing. It’s so frustrating and mind playing.
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Hi Caroline,
Sorry things are so tough for you just now. I just wanted to pick up on that question you asked about if you should tell your husband you are getting support here. I didn’t and for me I think that was the right decision. I needed to access some help that was completely separate from his influence. It was support for me and me only and I kept it that way.
Regardless of if they are good people or not, the addiction can make them highly manipulative particularly of their ‘enablers’. Like you I did start telling family and friends and it is only now that I can see that that doing those two things gave me a more objective pair of eyes so that I could see how behaviour that I was beginning to accept as normal was far from normal. Through their eyes I stepped out of the jungle and could see more clearly.
I only told a few initially but it was them that urged me to take steps to protect myself and the children.
I believed for far too long that my then husband could just change when he said he would. In reality his gambling was escalating and threatening the security of the family home. Other people could see the risks more clearly than me at that point.
I had a misplaced sense of duty/ obligation – I don’t know what you would call it but it led me to always defer to him in some way even when it was obvious that as the non addicted person with the family’s best interest at heart I was the better person to take the financial control.
I think however liberated women think they are these days there can still be an underlying culture or feeling that once married we still take a back seat and allow men to take control.
I did all the crying, worrying and shouting etc that I can see you going through. For me in the end the only thing that made any difference was when I took significant actions to protect myself and my family.
It was the hardest thing I ever did but I can see now it was also the best thing I ever did.
Everybody’s story is different and in some aspects mine was maybe a bit more extreme than most and I am not suggesting you have to end in divorce as I did.
If there is one consistent theme that emerges from this forum that should be shouted from the rooftops to all family and friends of people with addictions, it is take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself, your family and your assets from the consequences of loving a person who has a compulsive gambling addiction. ( I am trying to avoid calling them CGs since I read somebody’s objection to that term on the forum and I do recognise that a person should not be referred to or defined by their addiction. They are so much more than that. I used the abbreviation more as a convenience)
You have already identified that you need to take action. Take that first action. You will feel much better than you can imagine at this point.
Jilly -
Hi Caroline,
Sorry things are so tough for you just now. I just wanted to pick up on that question you asked about if you should tell your husband you are getting support here. I didn’t and for me I think that was the right decision. I needed to access some help that was completely separate from his influence. It was support for me and me only and I kept it that way.
Regardless of if they are good people or not, the addiction can make them highly manipulative particularly of their ‘enablers’. Like you I did start telling family and friends and it is only now that I can see that that doing those two things gave me a more objective pair of eyes so that I could see how behaviour that I was beginning to accept as normal was far from normal. Through their eyes I stepped out of the jungle and could see more clearly.
I only told a few initially but it was them that urged me to take steps to protect myself and the children.
I believed for far too long that my then husband could just change when he said he would. In reality his gambling was escalating and threatening the security of the family home. Other people could see the risks more clearly than me at that point.
I had a misplaced sense of duty/ obligation – I don’t know what you would call it but it led me to always defer to him in some way even when it was obvious that as the non addicted person with the family’s best interest at heart I was the better person to take the financial control.
I think however liberated women think they are these days there can still be an underlying culture or feeling that once married we still take a back seat and allow men to take control.
I did all the crying, worrying and shouting etc that I can see you going through. For me in the end the only thing that made any difference was when I took significant actions to protect myself and my family.
It was the hardest thing I ever did but I can see now it was also the best thing I ever did.
Everybody’s story is different and in some aspects mine was maybe a bit more extreme than most and I am not suggesting you have to end in divorce as I did.
If there is one consistent theme that emerges from this forum that should be shouted from the rooftops to all family and friends of people with addictions, it is take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself, your family and your assets from the consequences of loving a person who has a compulsive gambling addiction. ( I am trying to avoid calling them CGs since I read somebody’s objection to that term on the forum and I do recognise that a person should not be referred to or defined by their addiction. They are so much more than that. I used the abbreviation more as a convenience)
You have already identified that you need to take action. Take that first action. You will feel much better than you can imagine at this point.
Jilly -
You are right jilly what you’ve wrote. I think the first thing I should do is to tell my friend and see if she gives me some advice. It’s so unbelievably hard to open your mouth and start saying what is going on with your life. It feels so normal to live like that, everyone has problems in their life so why should you think yours is something bad. That’s how I think sometimes. But only cuz I’ve been hearing it from my husband and it’s just glued in my head! But I keep reading and getting more determined to tell someone outside his family. I know they care but they would never suggest divorce cuz at the end of the day it’s their son and you wouldn’t like to getting your son divorced, specially if there are grandchildren. So I’m starting to feel that need to tell someone….
Thanks jilly! This is what I need. Encouragement and words of understanding which gives me that hope and feeling that I need to start some changes, that it’s not normal to be living like this.
I think it takes time to get that message. -
Hi Caroline
How are you doing? I’ve been reading your posts and as with many f&f completely understand how you feel and that immense feeling of frustration. Maybe things have calmed down and maybe they haven’t but I just wanted to reiterate believe in yourself. Your instincts are right but the addiction confuses you . I can only speak from my experience but I did not realise I had lost so much self confidence. I just always felt a feeling of unease. The more support you can gain with the day to day things in life the stronger you will feel.
I used to tie myself in knots thinking what I should say or not say to my CG. I have only recently understood that in a way that is irrelevant as its you you and your children that must come first. You have probably spent so much time on your husband you had forgotten that. You are getting stronger. You know you don’t want to continue as you are. You will also work out what to do when you are ready to do it. As you say it just takes time.
Take care caroline I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and your children.
M
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I’ve been going round my cycle still. Same story like a month ago. I was ready to leave. I’ve spend few days at my mother in law house again. I have arranged a shelter for me and kids but I had to get to the house to get documents.but he wouldn’t open the door. So the only way it was to call the police.and i was ready to do that but then my in laws said if i want to leave i have to get back to my house and ring from there so that it’s not like they helped me, otherwise he would blame them for the rest of their life and now obviously i realised it’s their son so no matter what happens they wouldn’t turn their back on him.would they. Then they started to make arrangements with him like before and i ended up going back to him. I don’t wanna write on here what was he doing cuz I know you all would say it’s a abuse and stuff. I know that. But then I know he is just bluffing.he would not do what he says, would he? And I know that even if he’s bluffing and that’s the way he manipulates then it’s not right and definitely not normal. I don’t excuse him but I’m just trying to stay here and convince myself for now to stay.until I am ready to leave. I think i am. That’s why I’m still with him to make sure i am really ready. Week after i went back to him he started again, this time i rang his dad to come. He came and took him shop and bought him a phone cuz that day he threw it and it broke. Ridiculous! Anyway, i stayed quiet and I’m just carry on with my things.I’ve packed two bags of Clothes and hid some documents and about 100 pounds i managed to save. I know it’s not much but at the minute we are about minus 60. Thanks to his dad who gave him our savings of 450 pounds so my husband can buy himself clothes!! Like he hasn’t got any! So I did agree to give him all that money cuz he was knocking at my mother in law house to get the kids and giving him that money meant to keep him away and quiet so I can leave him in peace without police and scene. But in the end I came back to him, what a mess! And yes he did got himself three jackets, two trousers and shoes and the rest gambled. But his dad asked me to stay quiet and not say anything to him and not argue. I just said ok. But I am so deeply hurt by them cuz specially his dad really believes he knows how to sort it out. I’ll give him a chance to try his moves then. With pain but i am staying. And i told my in laws the moment he does it again i will not come to their house again but ring police and leave. But will i really? I am doubting myself. I think I am talking to the wrong people. My in laws will never let me go. They wouldn’t let the kids go especially kids. So who do I talk to? Who do I get advice from? My friend? She’s coming on Thursday.will i be strong enough to tell her? I don’t know…
I’ve been sitting and doing nothing except thinking about his gambling, his addiction how much I hate it. I forgot to do anything for myself without thinking about him. How do you do it? How can you not think about It. It’s so hard. It takes all my life. And today it’s been quiet and he’s starting talking to me again but i just don’t feel like to talk and start getting happy again just so he can then put me down again. I am so scared to get in the good mood cuz I fear the bad after that. That’s the cycle. It’s horrible. And if you ask me what do I want? How do I want my life to be lived I would tell you I want to live without the gambling problem, without worrying non stop about money, about lies, fake stories, bad language, carrying actions and words towards each other etc. easy to do? But how? Look after yourself, that’s the one. Do things for myself. I keep repeating it to myself. Oh I’m so confused. So annoyed. So hurt.
And after I wrote all of this I feel a bit better. A bit relived of all of this in my head. I’m realising I have to get stronger to make any actions or moves. I know I have to. For me and my kids. I will. I hope…. -
Caroline I am so sorry! You are right… it is a mess:(. It never ceases to amaze me the power a compulsive gambler can have over an entire family. It’s so hard to explain… why is everybody so afraid to let them fall and face the consequences of their actions. We all have done it…lots!
His parents are doing what they think parents should do and that is look after and fix their son’s messes. It’s what parents naturally do but it is not helping. I think a good honest conversation with your friend would be so helpful. Currently both you and his parents are so entrenched in his addiction that nobody has any perspective on what is happening.
Do you have a Gam Anon meeting close by? I really think you need some support. I don’t mean people telling you what to do but some people who have been there to just listen!
Change is hard Caroline for both the addict and those affected by it. With some support you will get stronger.Cathy
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Dear Caroline
When all those around you are losing their heads it is hard to keep yours on – but you are doing really well.
Your in-laws, in my opinion, are not doing the best things for their son; it seems they believe that as long as they keep him clothed and with money in his pocket they will save him. You know that they have to let him go to save him and that is not what society believes is natural.
In ignoring what society says and dealing with what you know, you are, in my opinion, doing all the right things – you have your escape route planned if necessity calls for it but you are also ensuring that when and if you do act, it will be the right thing for you and your children.
Knowing that your in-laws are not doing what is right for their son will hopefully give you the strength to do what you feel is right when the time comes, without consulting them. I do hope your friend is a true friend indeed because I believe you need someone there beside you who is clear headed and has no axe to grind apart from caring about you.
Our minds easily switch to thinking about the bad things in our lives and as a result we forget to do the good things for ourselves. In the midst of all the sitting and thinking though you have remembered that you matter. Looking after oneself in the middle of an addiction to gamble is very difficult – it is the best way to recover but nothing about this addiction is easy.
The way to live without the addiction to gamble in your life is to remove yourself from its centre. This can be done physically and/or mentally. Your escape route will remove you physically but you don’t feel quite ready for that yet and it is important that you do things when ‘you’ feel ready and not because someone else has told you to do it. Removing yourself mentally is hard but it is possible in varying degrees. Your partner is gripped by his addiction and he has ensnared you with it but it isn’t ‘your’ addiction – you are not in his bubble, your mind is your own – it has sapped your strength but believe me you are strong or you would not have written such a strong post.
Writing your post made you feel better – you were doing something to free your mind and you succeeded. That is how we get recovery. You are gaining strength; you are learning how to do that which you want to do – to break free from an addiction. Worriedmama and I are both staunch believers in Gamanon being a good place to get support – it is so good to sit with those who understand – where people listen without judgement and without overreacting, the sharing helps.
Keep posting Caroline – there is always someone listening who wants to help you feel a little better.
Velvet
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