[c21]

Ive given up asking for help. I have no where to turn for it. I wanted to overcome my addiction with sheer will power but i see now that its not working. I gambled and spent more money this month than I made as a salary last year. I realise I am very quickly going down the wrong track and I am trying to figure out how to stop going down that road.

Everything I don′t want to happen seems to be happening and I feel powerless about it. Only remedy is to stop in the tracks and let some time pass. I have done this for 28 years. Its amazing in a way that I a still here. I asume that I have some experience in tapping out I always seem to find a way back but I am hurting atm I really am. My company is shaky due to many withdrawels. The taxman will slap me with a humongous tax bill and my credit rating is flushed down a toilet. I am trying to stay positive but its the life thing when you been slapped down to earth by life it may kick you in the gut till you cant breathe. That is what it feels like.

It makes you seriously wonder what the … point is. Something good needs to come out of this. Thats what I keep on telling myself.

[maverick.]

C21, I have just read your post and can relate to what you say and also how you feel, firstly well done and thanks for sharing, this addiction can be a nightmare (as we both well know) and unless we do everything within our power to stop the pain just keeps getting worse and worse, like you I dug myself such a hole I couldn’t get out, credit cards, loans, loan sharks, overdrafts, friends, family…….I owed everyone, then Bankruptcy……..then after that loan sharks again, anyway I am sure you get the picture (still paying debts back now), I am trying hard to stay gamble free and like you deep down I know there is no happiness to be found when I gamble.

Really glad you are here and have found this site, so many people on here like you and me but the good news is there is hope.

Take care and wish you well, keep sharing and hope you can stay gamble free “one day at a time”.

Maverick

[c21]

I started to win some money on roulette about a year ago. It has turned out to be the beginning of my downfall.I have turned over more money on my private accounts than what my company made. Its pretty insane but its the truth and I still cant keep what I win. It just fuels the fire to play more.Winning a thousand pounds does not even excite anymore. I had hoped that at this stage in my life I could stand up to it enough to say stop and no more today.I feel the bondage like never before. Unfortunately I am in a place where I can get hold of cash and I have crossed boundaries that should not be crossed. That makes me reckless and desperate.I can not confide in anyone about this. i have to sort it out and I have to own this problem no one else is going to touch it. That makes this forum all the more important even though I dont want to air my dirty laundery to anyone. I will find a way. I have to.Unfortunately my thoughts are very dark about this atm.It is painfull to look a my unknowing family. I dont want to hurt anyone. I have never wished for a month to pass faster than January. If I cant collect my thoughts enough I will seek some professional help. It feels like I need to talk to a shrink before this consumes me.

[c21]

I am looking at the finances and i feel like I am in a strange horror movie. Ive spent so much money. I have not told anyone yet but I am going to have to do that real soon. I am remorseful ashamed and sad. I did not mean to f… it up. I wish i could have had it all undone but I cant. I will get professional help on Monday. I need to talk to someone who can help me sort this f… mess out. Ive let everyone down but I cant stop and turn or run I need to own this problem and find solutions. I believe we are all here to learn things. Dam I must have been thick as pig shit in my former life as I seem to be cursed with this addiction for the rest of my time here. And yes I have had suicidal thoughts but that is the cowards way out. I may die from drinking my liver to death but I wont check out by suicide that is not how I want to be remembered.

[c21]

Ty for your post. Yes there is no joy in gambling its a habit. I am staring into depths of hell atm and i did not want such a journey again in my lifetime ever. I have a very hard time to come to terms with it. I cant believe that I am here again after all these years. But then again I never ever really gave it up I just hid it better .
This time the money is to high to hide it and I may end up in prison for it. That is a sobering thought. It also makes this harder to bear. It will rip the family to shreds and all that i have created will be lost. I hope it does not come to that but it may.
So I have a nr of scenarios how this may play out. I am not sure about anything except that I will see a shrink at the earliest. I need that.

[c21]

I have a hard time dealing with the magnitude of this Its ripping its claws into me and its painful.

[i-did-it]

Hi C21,
Debt can seem unsurmountable but there are agencies out here which help you for free- Step Change is one.

Perhaps if you speak to these in the morning you feel will more positive as you will have taken action to help sort things . I believe that there is a solution to every debt – just sometimes we need help finding it.
You could also ring gamcare who can organise free counselling for you .
C21 – I know only too well how easily this addiction can drag us down but you have inner strength you don’t realise- you have handled this problem for a considerable length of time on your own- now it’s time to reach out and let others help you .
Keep posting- you have everything to live for – you are a good person as it obvious from how you are trying to protect your family from this .

[c21]

Ty for your post and advice. I will speak to my accountant on Friday. I may not say the complete truth to her but I have an idea how I can mend things and make them right. I wish the way we gamblers work could change. We need to create problems to try and uncreate them later. All triggers for more gambling I know but what bothers me is that the signs are so apparent. I think if the story is to pan out right I am to learn by this mistake and get so disgusted by my own behaviour that i never look at gambling again as an option. Unfortunately memory is sometimes short lived so I will need to be on the alert for those triggers. For now I am motivated to pack it in. I will get help to back it up as I realise as you say that this can only be handled with help. I don′t seem to know anything else. Gambling is the mistress that refused to leave. She has been with me since I was 20. That is a long time. I hate to say it but in a way it is good this happens so i can start to get well. I owe it to the people around me. I just hope i don′t let them down.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. ?We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. ?We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. ?The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. ?So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and ?terms and conditions so you know how it all works! ???

[c21]

I also made contact with my towns help for gamblers. Its cost me another 2-3000 pounds but hey better late than ever ey? I am so unsure about my future now I hav no clue. I try and cope by remembering that I have little ones that need me around and old ones that are dependant that I keep sane. Even though so much is lost I have some comfort in that those b…rs are not getting any more of my money. At the same time I am empty inside. I am empty. I am suposed to look forward to the future and I view it like I don′t want tomorrow to show up at all its to painful. But I do know it starts with a day at the time and i will start to live that way as its the only way forward from here.

[Jonny123987]

One day at a time CL. I too have gambled for a ling time and for more money than most. I can relate to you and empathize with your situation. Being a gambling addict sucks. No two ways about it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I have the magic secret that makes things better because I don’t. All I can say is that you can stop if you choose too. Stopping will not make you feel great. You won’t magically have the money back. All you can get back is you. It sounds like it’s time to stop fighting for the money, and start fighting for you. The you that is stronger than the urge to gamble. I hope you get what I’m trying to tell you. The money is gone…. You have to just let it go. It’s extremely hard. You are still here, therefore the only thing not gambling will win you is yourself back. And that’s pretty great. Once you regain who you are without gambling the rest will come back into place with time. It all starts with you brother. I hope that helps a little. ??

Jon

[c21]

Ty Jon that helped me. I get the feeling you have been through a similar journey to. And it is a question of choice . When I keep on thinking about the social implications and what it will do I just want to hide my head in the ground or run away. How did I loose site of reality so bad? It seems so easy to be or have a numb mind that goes on auto pilot and does all this crazy stuff but its a whole other story to stay alert and in control. The more you do of the same the more the devil takes over and then its like driving a fast car without stoping at the lights. The worst part is that I did not want to be this side of the river I wanted to have mastered the game and found a solution to all my shit. Hey I could gamble in 5000 pounds in wins in 50 mins flat I would not have to work or do anything else. I could let the company make profits and live of my gambling wins. Then god or life or the devil or fate stepped in and grabbed me by the balls and draged me back to earth. Slapped me down to the ground and put a foot on me so I could not fly anymore. And the results are always the same. We end up pocketless, bankrupts, have yelling wives or husbands wondering where the rent money or child support is.The lies we tell to stay in our own reality is also a universal gambling thing. As long as the bubble does not burst we can continue live on and “prosper”.

I hate the predictability of gambling. It makes f… sick to my stomach knowing that we all are apr doing the same and no one figures the shit out. As long as we are all happy and pressing on a button leaving a betting slip or betting on 20 and hoping the bloody nr shows up we are good. The other side makes auto cash on us and our side bleed in silence till the storm breaks. Result we wait for a knock on the door from people wanting the telly and they buy a new yacht on Malta. The whole thing should be banned. Advertising, gaming halls the … lot. If someone calculated the losses vs the wins the costs would be to great.

[c21]

I have not documented the urges. I will do that. Meeting a shrink on Friday morning to get that on the go and also the accountant on Friday. Still have no idea how to set things right but i am working it through step by step.

[c21]

Coming to a close. Not looking forward till tomorrow as I have to tell my accountant a lie and hope she buys it. Before that I need to tell a shrink about the mess that Ive made witch will start an emotional rollercoaster before the accountant. Still gamble free and trying to deal with the urges before they become triggers.

Feeling: Neutral

[c21]

Just as I thought she made herself the victim and it became all about her. I have now completely exhausted all my resources and I owe everyone a mountain of money. Disgusting feeling

[Jonny123987]

Time heels. Coming clean was the right thing to do.

[Jonny123987]

How you doing C21?

[kathryn]

Just bringing you back to the top.
How are you?
Hoping to hear an update soon.
K xxx

[Autore]

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