[velvet]

I am not taking any IT equipment on holiday with me this year when I take a break between 5^th September and 24^th September to recharge my own batteries.

Please look after yourselves and each other – even a few words telling someone you are thinking about them is comforting when you feel alone. 

The forum has been quiet for a little while – it happens – but the addiction that unites us all has not gone away so please look out for new members and make them welcome.

The Helpline is there for you all and it is one-to-one so please use it. 

My first group back will be on Tuesday 25^th and I hope to welcome any F&F member who wants to ‘meet’ me in private.  Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – we can be as open as we wish. 

When I first used this site over 11 years ago I was struggling to come to terms with painful and difficult experiences in my life – sharing and gaining knowledge helped me find my way and I have never looked back. 

Solutions do not come overnight and outcomes will vary but this forum, this site and F&F groups have welcomed countless members who have reported back later how it changed their lives for the better.   There is no crystal ball; I cannot tell you what to do because decision making is part of ‘your’ recovery but by gaining knowledge you will gain power – each and every one of you is stronger than the addiction that is seeking to hurt you.     

When you post maybe you could glance at the thread near yours and say ‘hello’.  I remember having my heart in my mouth waiting to see if anyone spoke to me – I was not very lucky – the site was newish and F&F was in its infancy – I have been determined that nobody else would feel as I did but I am only one person and occasionally I can run a little out of steam, so please help me to support ‘you’.  

Velvet

[Redare]

Hi V, Enjoy a well deserved break, you do such a great job in supporting everyone. Cant wait to hear all the news from the hols.
Red

[deva nargis]

I am well aware of what rationally should do.I am well aware life with my partner will be a hell if I stay with-it is already as for the last days he seems distant,untalkative unloving,uncaring.I know I have to open the door and leave..But this part of me the emotional,where after 18 years of loneliness,desperation hopelesness,someone-this one-approached me,showed me interest,affection later,gave me a reason to live,to relive rather,to desire again love,life and dreams,how easy it is watching it now crushed? I have no words to describe how i feel. it is like someone is stabbing my heart with a knife not just once so it is all over,no life no pain,but persistantly turning the knife round and round.I wanted to talk only for the emotional pain I am feeling right now,along with the biterness,deep disappointment,betrayal,pain rage.i will be grateful for emotional support.thank you.

[velvet]

Hi Deva
Please keep talking Deva and hopefully you will feel less alone and desperate.
I would never say to you to open the door and leave or close the door and stay; it is important that you make decisions for yourself as part of your recovery. Those who love someone with an addiction often lose control of their lives trying to make things better and often end up being controlled by that same addiction. However you do not have an addiction and you can retake control of your life.
All the painful emotions of bitterness, deep disappointment, betrayal, rage are understandable but they do hold you back. Sometimes we have to vent those emotions before we can be soothed and find our calm inner voice again. I know that talking about our anger with someone who understands can help us clear our thoughts and confusion – so please start your own thread and join our groups. Together, hopefully, you will be supported at this difficult time.
Velvet

[hannahb]

Hi all,

I haven’t posted in a while as I thought things were turning around for us (my oh is a CG). Turns out I was very wrong. My oh has been gambling for years and it feels like we are in a cycle that won’t break.

He gambles all his money > I find out > I get upset > he gets upset and promises it won’t happen again > closes accounts > doesn’t gamble for a few months > then we at back to the beginning of the cycle again.

His bank statement came through the post yesterday and I decided to check it, 1000’s gambled away, obviously winnings plus his wages. The only difference this time is that I am not blood boiling angry, I’m not disappointed, I feel pretty numb to it actually – which is a first. Has this happened to anyone else? I don’t know who else to talk to and I can’t get to any meetings.

We have had the same conversations over and over again – I have separated our money and I do not give him money. He did send me his wages a few times but this stopped. He knows he has a problem, but he refuses to go to any meetings.

I’m just tired I guess and needed to write this down. It’s nice to hear from people who knows what going through this is like without ranting at me. I’m in two minds at the moment, I really don’t want to lose him but I don’t want me and the kids to spend the rest of our lives in debt and never have the money. I know no one can give me an answer but it would be nice just to talk to someone.

Hannah

[Barb518]

Hi Hannah,

I just joined this site and already I am feeling a little better having seen two messages that describe my current experiences. My husband has a terrible problem, the casino is the only thing he’s interested in. He has been through terrible times having been laid off from his job 4 years ago, he thought he would retire from there, was making a good salary and it all ended abruptly. He is now on his 4th job in those past 4 years, not because of his gambling, they just weren’t a good fit. He’s pretty stable with this current company, but at the age of 60 he just wants to retire and realizes he won’t be able to for at least another 8 to 10 years. He has always been sort of anti-social, mostly because he has to talk to so many people all day long. When we first started dating I mentioned that we go to a casino for fun one day and at that time his feeling about casinos was pure disgust. How things have changed. One day, we happened to be walking through a casino on our way to a concert and he threw some money into a slot machine and won $500 on the first spin. That’s when things took off. It started with us going once a week with $200 and trying to go home with that same $200 and if it was more, we were very excited. His problem progressed over the past few years by going into the high slot areas and winning a few times. Then we were staying at the hotels for free and one day we ended up with $9,000 in the hotel room safe. When I saw how quickly that money disappeared over the weekend, my own realizations started to kick in. I enjoyed it less and less, while he enjoyed it more and more. It is now into the multi thousands of dollars that he spends without a thought to things that need to be done around the house. And I get questioned about every penny that I spend.

Let’s skip up to current times. Our marriage is now pretty much a life of existence with each other. He has gone through admitting that he has a problem several times only to continue going to the casino again the following weekend. The final straw for me was when I was caught several times at the grocery store and my bank card was denied. The embarassment and anger that I felt was the beginning of the end. I worked full time all of my life, most of it as a single mom so I had to be on top of my finances. He took all of that over when we started living together. When we were dating, I was still working full time but was laid off from my job and collected unemployment for about a year. After that, I took a part time job for a year and a half – this is when his gambling problem was starting explode. I ended up quitting that job after I realized that he was just using my salary to finance his gambling!! 

After 8 years of being together, I finally insisted that I start keeping track of our finances along with him. I never saw this new side of my husband until that time. The nasty, dark side of a man who I thought was so easy going and thoughtful and kind, my best friend, has turned into an unfeeling self-centered monster. Our fights are terrible, he has a very crafty way of throwing the guilt back on my shoulders. It’s like dealing with a child who wants to do what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it and no one can stop him. He is obsessed with the idea that he will one day win the “big one” and we will be able to live comfortably. It’s like he even expects me to file for divorce one of these days and he doesn’t seem to really care. My feelings are non-existent to him. He is the one who is busting his butt working 60 hours a week so I should just let him have his fun.

Sorry this is so long, I guess when you first start putting things out there you just can’t stop. We have no social life although I have become quite close to a part of my family whom I discovered about 5 years ago after working on my family history. They are my social life thank goodness. And yes, they know about my husband’s problem although I don’t actually discuss it with them. 

So Hannah, don’t feel alone. I am just starting now, right here, to try and get some help for myself to try and deal with this. If you read this, thank you for listening. This has already been a little boost for me to try and get my husband some help which he doesn’t think he needs.

Barb

[velvet]

Hi Barb
Please start your own thread so that you can get support that is just for you.
If you look below the thread you have posted on you will see that Hannah has her own thread and I am sure she would love to hear from you on that.
It would be good if you could scroll to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New topic’, give your thread a title and maybe copy and paste your post into the box. Click on save and your thread will be appear.
It is difficult to get support without an unique thread as nobody knows where to find you.
I am glad that you have found family to support you but on this forum you will find those who understand you and your situation and I think that such support is fantastic.
Looking forward to hearing from you again
Velvet

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