[marke]

Hello all

I am a gambler of many years. Started when I was young when I would watch the Grand National

with my parents. Later in my teenage years I would bet at weekends on the horses. In sixth form

I spent more time studying racing form than my schoolwork, I flunked my A levels, but never mind I

won ￡80 from a 50p treble the day after the results came out. In my 20s I hardly gambled at

all but then gambling started to take a grip at around about 30.  I remember my first 100 pound bet

It won and I got such a buzz. I was hooked and sucked in. My gambling got worse and worse, I am 

a terrible loser. I would devote days to thinking about gambling. On my wedding day I had thoughts of

gambling, even on the day my son was born. Gambling affected my moods of course. My wife knew I 

was a gambler and bless her she stood by me, I never got help however. My marriage ended after 13

years and gambling was certainly a big factor.

I then found roulette. I started with a small stake and got a bonus. I played all day to get through the

wagering requirements and won a grand. I was made up but looking back that was the worst day of my 

life. I was about 45 then. I would go on to lose heavily and got into a situation where I couldn’t pay my rent

so I moved back in with my parents. They bailed me out which I have massive regrets. 

I fell in love again and things were great I stopped gambling for a while. Built up savings got my credit rating

right up. However, one afternoon I had a little bet on roulette, lost and started chasing. Blew my hard earned

savings, took out loan after loan. Easily done as my credit rating was so good. Ended up in debt to the tune of about 20

grand. My moods when I was chasing were sullen and my relationship was badly affected. I was sneakily smoking,

which my girlfriend hated. When I confessed it was over.

Back to my Dads. My Mum had died of Cancer. I was around a lot when she was ill but even then my head would be turned

by gambling. I am 50 now and just had another gambling bender. I am skint again. I am in a debt management plan

which will take years to pay back.

I think my bottom line is that I have deluded myself that I need help. I did attend Gamblers Anonymous for a while but that 

didn’t stop things. I would gamble, go to a meeting, say all the right things and repeat.

So today I am on here. I am finally going to get a blocker for my laptop. That is another thing that I

deluded myself about. I think my problem is that I bottle up things that go on in my life then I gamble to “get away”

I need to be more open about my feelings. So forgive me if I put loads of posts up!

Day 1………………………

 

[i-did-it]

Hi Marke
It was nice to meet you in chat .
Yes gambling has messed up a lot of stuff for a lot of us on here. Getting a blocker is an excellent idea and you always mentioned joining Gamstop.
Another thing which helps many people is having someone else take care of their money and just having an allowance to get by .
Well done on seeking help – it’s time to walk away from your past to a great new future .

[vera]

Hello Marke,
Your post aptly describes the insidious nature of compulsive gambling. It lures us, then sucks us in, brings us to the point of ecstasy, forcing us to believe we could never live without our “special friend”. Then, without warning, it spits us out and we are left to face our own powerlessness.
Once we have crossed the proverbial line , there is no going back to “normal” gambling. I guess 99% of CGs have had similar experiences to yours. We start out for fun and end up as slaves, completely under the spell of an evil power until we reach the stage when we have to say “enough is enough”.
It seems that you have reached that stage, Mark.
In GT, we gain a better perspective on our “insane” lives and with the support and empathy of other CGs we find the courage to change, one day at a time.
Welcome to the forum!

[velvet]

Hello Marke and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[marke]

Hi thanks for the replies. Was nice to meet you on chat earlier I-did-it and vera! Thanks for the welcome message Velvet.
Today has been a long day but accessing this site has helped big time. I have confessed to my Dad about my relapse, spoken to my ex wife about things and will be talking to my son about my gambling too.
Going to be tough ahead but I am never going back to where I was this morning.
All the best to anybody who is on the site
Mark

[marke]

Day 1 about to pass and no gambling today. I know I must carry this on everyday for ever now. I have this said to myself about stopping before but I have lapsed back into old ways.
When I have saved a bit of money I am going to get a devil tattoo on my shoulder to help remind me he is always there!!
Been hard, tomorrow will be easier because of work I am accepting it will be a long road and there is no quick fix i.e. gambling again to get back my losses!!

[marke]

Day 2 gamble free.
Had a long day at work so was occupied. Urges to gamble to win back some money are still there but to be honest at this moment the mountain I would have to climb to get back where I was approximately a year ago looks massive and I would have to climb out of a deep chasm first.
Gambling does sap you of energy and I am low from my recent relapse but I am more aware now that the feeling to have a crack at that mountain is going to come back soon. I know I need to keep that in mind.

[marke]

Restless night. Up early so came onto site.
Feeling rubbish, remorseful full of regret. Why didn’t I stop when…….
why don’t I go to the gym again……. go cycling again…..
it is hard to pick up motivation….
When I gamble I don’t eat, don’t wash, don’t look after myself, I withdraw from others
There are so many occasions I should have stopped. So many good positions I have been in then I sabotage myself
I know if I carry on this time it won’t end prettily.
Today I have to turn the corner again. Clean myself up, get focussed on keeping what I have got.
I need to access help as I have fought alone and always come back to square one. I am going to get a software blocker sorted this afternoon, it will be a start

[Drat88]

Hi Mark – thank you for your post on my thread, the one thing I have always managed to remind myself no matter how much of a dark hole I feel i’m in is that i’m not alone in this illness. I may feel like it a lot of the time as nobody who I really love will ever truly understand. But only another addict can understand which is why I know it’s so important that we use these forums and GA where we can and as much as we can. 

I too have woken up today with the hangover from my latest binges. In fact I can relate to everything in your last post; lack of eating, washing, withdrawing. Daydreaming about all the missed opportunities I had to put an end to the misery and take a step on the road to recovery. But didn’t. 

I can see that you are wanting to make positive steps to get active again. Just start small. Perhaps plan to go for walk after dinner this evening. And then set a goal to get out on your bike for half an hour before the weekend. Trying to accomplish too much too soon will only put undue pressure on yourself and send you into a really unhelpful state of mind. 

Hope you have a good day, one little step at a time

[marke]

Thanks for your comments Drat88. Yep trying to take small but positive steps.
Contacted Gamstop. They said they require 2 proofs of address to proceed to confirm my identity.
As I have recently moved, because of gambling problems, I cannot provide that!!!! aaaaaaggggggghhh!!!!!!
Its enough to make me want to gamble again!!! but I won’t!!!
Installed betblocker. Has anybody else used that????

[henno]

Congrats marke and it was nice meeting you a few days ago. I’m in a similar boat as you, broke and trying to get my life back on track. All the best and if you feel any urges I urge you to visit this site first, its been working for me the last couple weeks and i pray to god i never gamble again

[marke]

Thanks for your words of support Henno. Was good to meet you the other day too. All the best to you in this fight to stop once and for all. Will definitely be using this site to offload my feelings, rather than bottle them all up as I have done in the past, or “pretend” that I don’t really need help.
Feeling bad and regretful. I suppose part of me will always feel that way. I don’t even feel like gambling right now because I feel washed out, but I know those feelings could return anytime.
Just need to keep to small steps, day by day, slowly fight my way back.
BUT THIS TIME NO FALLING BACK INTO THE GAMBLING TRAP

All the best to everyone fighting this. There is a better life out there.

[velvet]

Hi Marke
It is only what you do today that matters Marke; beating yourself up with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ will not change a thing. Today you are gamble-free and your new and good memories start now.
There will be no need to feel bad for the rest of your life – you didn’t ask for or want your addiction but you have accepted it and you are learning to control it which is good. It is great to take a bad experience and turn it into a lesson for life. The lessons you learn in these early painful days of your gamble-free life will stand you in good stead in the future when problems arise that once upon a time would have triggered your addiction. These lessons are your tools for the future – tools that you can pick up when life seems to be getting on top of you.
Your girlfriend and/ or your Dad would be welcome in Friends and Family if they want to understand more about what hurts you and how they can support you.
I look forward to hearing your progress towards a better gamble-free future Marke, which I know you can do, or I wouldn’t be here.
Keep posting
Velvet

[marke]

Hi Velvet

Many thanks for your message. It is hard to stop beating myself up but I do have to try and accept I can’t change anything now. That I do have to move forward and not slip up again.
When I don’t gamble I actually feel great but when I feel great I think I let my guard down, then fall back into a vicious cycle.
Feeling positive that I have done 4 days. I would stay up for the chat but I have early starts at work.
Take it easy out there

[lizbeth4]

We can’t go back and change anything! But we can move forward and make our lives better!!! I think that forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. But it’s a form of self care and love. Be kind to yourself. Keep going in your recovery. You are doing great!

[marke]

Hi Lizbeth, thanks for those words. I am very hard on myself sometimes and when I don’t meet my own expectations I am realising I am then vulnerable to escaping into the world of the compulsive gambler.
I know that I need to deal with the fact that life isn’t perfect from time to time, well a lot of the time!
Sometimes I am out and about and I see a happy couple, a happy family on an outing, people with a nice car and/or nice house I think to myself that I could have that IF I never gambled.
It is hard to deal with and plays on my mind. I am trying to focus on what I have got. To use what has happened this time to become the man I know I can be.
It is hard going. I have had thoughts today that maybe if I gamble again I can get at least some of the money back that I have lost. Maybe I would feel a bit better.
But I will stay strong this time and start to work towards a contented life, where I am happy in my skin and don’t really care about how much money I have or haven’t got
Take care all

[vera]

Compulsive Gambling is a progressive disease, Marke.
It ruins all who persist in trying to beat it.
The good news is, Recovery is also progressive.
Every day that we refrain from the “madness” we become more sane/healthy/wise.
One day at a time we can regain our strength.
Regarding your thought of gambling to get some money back-I tried that. Got the money back and guess what?I lost it all again and that is exactly what would happen to you.
Why?
Because a CG NEVER wins!!

[henno]

Re your comment on chasing losses Marke, that’s a delusion that all CGs appear to suffer from, I know I did for years and of course it just makes things worse. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for the gambling addict, the ONLY way to win is to abstain. I’m almost 4 weeks now without gambling and feeling a bit better about myself already. I’m still broke and in debt but I wont be in 2019 if I keep this up.

Every day without gambling is a move towards a better life

[marke]

Thanks Vera and Henno. I need to keep your words in mind over the weekend. I got paid today and will have that deadly thing for me – spare time – over the weekend.
Thoughts of the magic football accumulator to pull me out of the mire are in my head but I am not going to throw more money away now.
It will be a few years before I am debt free. Paying the debt doesn’t leave me with much but I can still live an ok life. This last week my head has been all over the place and I basically lived off a block of cheese and a loaf I bought last weekend!!
It has been the lowest low in the roller coaster ride that gambling brings. I am going to step off the ride now and never go back.
All the best everybody

[Monica1]

On your gamble free time. We have to make that decision to stop and then surrender the mess to our higher power. This isn’t instant, it certainly wasn’t for me but it has grown and now I am in touch with my higher power, whatever you understand that to be, and things have markedly changed, not the debts I hasten to add. Mine are massive, I have transformed and I like it.

[brucey]

With regards Gamstop, I had the same issue having moved countless times in the past few years, so their automated system couldn’t identify me. For one of the proofs of address you can go to your bank and change your address with them in branch, it should be updated immediately and you can then export an online statement with your new address on. For the other one, the easiest would be to upload a copy of your tenancy or mortgage agreement. If you’re living with family, the electoral roll confirmation could take a few weeks but might be the quickest. Took me a few weeks to get the documents in order but it has been so helpful to me.

[marke]

Thanks for your posts Monica and Brucey.
Stayed gamble free today! Have installed betblocker as Gamstop was too much hassle.
Am off to visit my son tomorrow. Will be a long day and won’t post. Hard going but steering clear.
Mark

[marke]

Have spent some time with my son (he lives a fair way from where I am now). I opened up about my gambling problem. He is 18 and lives with my ex-wife. It felt like part of my burden about my problems has been lifted.
I explained gambling was my escape when things are on my mind. He seemed to be pretty philosophical about it all. Shame I am not as level headed as him! I will keep him updated on my progress and that will help.
Been good to be away from the lap top for a few days. That becomes a bit of a crutch when I feel restless and is part of my overall problem.
No gambling, can’t say I feel good as I still have a lot of remorse. All the times I could have and should have stopped. All the times I did stop for a while but then would get sucked back in. I don’t think that will ever really go away but I have to try and live with it somehow and use it so I don’t make things even worse. I found a story about two wolves (just google storty of two wolves and you will find it) I will be trying to live by that from now on.
Thanks for your posts Monica and Brucey. I know that I have a choice really. Stop gambling and I know in time I will feel better. Continue to be drawn in and repeat and worsen these feelings.
As regards Gamstop I have downloaded Betblocker instead. I have “tested” it against a good few sites and it prevents access (honestly tested it that is!). So I will stick with that.
I understand blocking software is not the answer, that we have to get to the root of the problem, but it will help, particularly in these early days.
Take care all

[Nick]

Hi Marke thanks for your words of encouragement on tm journal much appreciated. Your almost 2 weeks into your recovery , well done . Keep concentrating on your son and when you next see him, it gives you something to look forward to and remember your doing this for you .

[Peaches and Apple]

Hi Marke,

I am happy to hear that you opened up to your son regarding your gambling. It took courage and it will sure help. No more hiding.

12 Days! Way to go. I am on my 2nd day.

[marke]

Nearly a month gamble free. I haven’t posted much lately as I have been trying to reduce my time on the laptop. The internet can obviously be great bit I really wish it had never been invented!!!
I have put a blocker on but am not convinced it covers all the “bases” plus I know it is doesn’t solve the problem of being a compulsive gambler.
I have cut back on alcohol as i know that makes me more reckless and I am thinking about giving it up altogether. I still harbour massive regrets but have been having counselling, it has been helping but I still find it really hard to forgive myself.
I could be in a much better place now without previous gambling as I am sure everyone on here could be. However I am slowly starting to accept what has happened and move on to a more stable future. If others can do it then I can do it, if I can do it, anyone can do it!!
Come on people let’s beat this!!!
Take care all

[kathryn]

Love your positive attitude!
It is so hard to forgive ourselves.
We didn’t ask for this addiction, its what we do now that matters. Give yourself some time, and lots of credit. You are dong all you can. And you should be really proud of yourself.
Love K xxx

[marke]

Thanks for your post.
I will be trying to maintain being positive on a hour by hour, day by day basis. I guess that is just how it has to be from now on.
When negative thoughts emerge as they have done this morning (I have a day off work and am feeling very restless) I need to check in on here to remind myself why I joined the site or just get myself out and away from temptations, i.e. more gambling or drowning my sorrows.
I know I will always have regrets, I guess everybody has them but it’s about dealing with them. I know I can be a much better person without gambling. I found this quote from a motivational speaker and author
“Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue
Easier said than done but I will always try and remember it now.
Take care x

[marke]

4 weeks and 1 day. Checking in because I am feeling vulnerable to a destructive streak. So putting some thoughts “out there”.
It is tough to come back from causing such destruction in our lives. It is easy just to think “what’s the point I have wrecked everything anyway”
However, whatever we have left is worth keeping and fighting for. For sure a lot of things in life don’t come easy, we have to fight for them.
So I will be fighting for a future where at least I rediscover my self worth and maintain the relationships with people around me.
I have decided I won’t be posting on a day to day basis though I can see the merits of doing so. Though I will be taking my thoughts and actions forward on a day to day basis. As I have said on this and other threads I am trying to get away from jumping on the lap top everytime I have a spare half hour.
Keep fighting x

[henno]

Keep it up Marke you’re doing great. I had a bad slip 2 weeks ago lost $500 after 6 weeks of not gambling, back sliding is a depressing feeling trust me, i’m trying to use that as a learning experience. This Friday is a payday for me I know I have to be vigilant against urges

[marke]

It has been hard going, believe me, but thanks for your message Henno. You did 6 weeks gamble free which is really positive, you can do that again and more.
We are all human and will make mistakes so don’t be too hard on yourself. Keep learning about the ways to stay gamble free. Something will work and everybody is different.
Payday is definitely a bad day for us, at least you have identified that. Make a plan to keep you away from temptations.
I get paid on a friday too so have money in my account all weekend. At the moment I am just keeping away from watching sport, which is really hard, there is a blocker on my lap top too. I can’t really trust myself right now.
I do DIY, see friends/family, go for a walk, go cycling, go for a drive to get something to eat, anything to keep occupied over the weekend.
Take care of yourself

[marke]

1 month 2 days
It has been hard going and have come close to relapse several times. Having that blocker has helped so much.
When I come home in an evening feeling restless there is no way I can gamble so I HAVE to find something else to do.

Christmas is only round the corner now. Things are going to be very tight but I know that if I DON’T gamble anymore it will be manageable. I can buy small presents, afford to visit family and friends. It won’t be my greatest Christmas by far but it can be ok.

All the things I see and hear of people buying this and that, going away on a decent holiday are tough to take and make me think I should and could have done that.

I need to stop comparing myself to what others have got accept that’s just how it is this year. Knowing that If I stay gamble free it can be much better next year.

I know if I DO gamble again it will be even worse.

Not sure if anybody has posted this thought anywhere else??

We CAN control whether we gamble.

We CAN’T control ourselves if we do

Take care all

i

[vera]

I share your thought, Marke. We become powerless over gambling ONLY when we place that first bet!

[Nick]

HI Marke keep in the driving seat my friend and you will achieve what you want to , as Vera says just for today i will not gamble and say it to yourself everyday when you wake up. ??

[marke]

Thanks Vera and Nick
Day by day for sure for ever!!

[marke]

Got through the weekend without gambling. Cleaned up some pans/ plates that have been lying around for ages. Went out for a walk to get out of the house.
It is time for me to become more positive about what the future CAN hold without gambling.
I am not going to forget about my past mistakes as I will need them to remember the devastation that gambling can bring, but it’s time to put them “in a box somewhere”
Time to move on to a better life

[jen3]

Just finished reading your thread. Our story is very similar, as far as our age and the life time of gambling on and off. I remember back in college many years ago study for my exams at the dog track.  If I lost a few hundred that was a lot. I don’t go to race tracks anymore that was decades ago. Now it’s casinos everything and anything. And boy do I wish when I loose i could walk away after a few hundred.  Anyways congratts on your g-ftee time. Keep on fighting the good fight. 

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