[Courage]

[vera]

“Where there is a will, there is a way”!

[Courage]

How painful it is to feel reality, and know i alone have created the mess i am now in. The darkness is all around me right now, its surrounding me, its throughout me, i feel i have sunk right to the very bottom.
How foolish and selfish i have been. What i have lost! What i regret, how guilty i feel, how ashamed i am.
Its not just the money which i feel sick enough about. its the time, i realize now that time can never again be. Those days and months and years are lost and I have slowly drifted through in a haze of days to a point now where i have woken up. This is a very hard day to get through. I want to express my feelings as they are. How i find them. The truth in them, i need to be real. Its the beginning of my journey. I will find my way. I have to. There is no other choice now but to survive this. Whatever purpose gambling was serving me has come to an end.

Courage

[velvet]

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Hello Courage and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Courage]

Im trying to see the positive. Someone said fake it till you make it. At this point i have to. I have to put a smile on my face at times when i feel i cant. I have to just get through this day in the hope there will be better ones. This is what addiction does, destroys and takes away me. It will take some time for me to recover. I never want to go through this again.

[vera]

The Good News, Courage is that you do not ever have to go through this again.
When we use Support , two things happen . We learn from others and others learn from our experience.
Give and take.
The opposite to gambling, which is take, take, take, until we have nothing left to give.
You will feel stronger when you recover from the initial shock
It takes time
Try to be patient.

[Courage]

Today amongst the darkness I feel, the anxiety, a feeling of dread, there is one tiny spark of light that i see as possibility. What if i can stop. What if i never do back to gambling? it would be a dream come true for me if i could never return.
I have deceived myself so often, so many times for so many years with gambling. I can honestly say this is truly the bottom. Gambling is no fun

[Courage]

To Vera and Velvet thank you very much for your comments to me

[velvet]

Hi Courage
Keep fanning that tiny spark and it can set your world on fire – if it was not possible for you to stop gambling I would not be writing to you. You have a great username for someone who desires to live gamble-free because it does take courage to fight your addiction but you can do it.

Keep posting
Velvet

[Courage]

Thanks velvet for your kindness.

The week has been hard but i believe my rock bottom has been found. Out of the rock bottom i have found such pain and misery, such sadness and complete loss of self worth. I have also found a spark of that hope that makes me want to survive this and continue. I know that i can have a life if i keep going.
I feel as though i have woken from a coma, looking around and being in disbelief at what i now find. I am shocked at what i have done but i cannot change it. I am disappointed and confused but i have to work through it. I really created a mess so i need to clean it up but i can see that this process is going to take a lot of time and planning.
I feel stuck like i dont know which way to turn, what to do. Little simple things are so hard right now.
I have done some things to help me. It has been incredibly hard to even achieve a normal day each day of this week.
I attended counselling which really helped me just empty my head and unscramble my brain a little, to gain some perspective. I made an account a joint account so i need another signature to withdraw from savings.
I vow to carry little cash each day only what i need at the minimum, though that wont be hard, there will be minimum!
I have set up direct debits to debt and repayments over a long period of time.
Im really just so sick of the life that i had that i have to try to create a new one that i am happy in. It is just time i need right now to heal. I feel broken and completely cracked open, I’ve come undone and I’m not sure how long its going to take me to find my way again. What i am holding on to however is that spark. That one tiny spark that glows in the darkness, that says, you can do this.

Courage

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