- ? ???? 517? ??, 23? ??? ??? ? 5 ?, 5 ? ?? ?? ????? ????????.
-
????
-
-
I needed to say I was here. To try and make that commitment to myself. To STOP. I had six years invested in my recovery. And then I made the ultimate mistake and made that first little bet. That was two years ago. If you play with fire sooner or later you will get burnt. Yet i keep reaching for the fire. And it’s starting to get real hot. I know better yet I can’t believe it. Why I keep asking myself. Why? Time to get back in touch with the tools of recovery.
Laura
-
-
Welcome back Laura. Yes you were here. The better news is that now you ARE here.
It might not feel like it right now but you are in a lucky position – you KNOW what works for you. Get back to what helped you stay gamble free for those 6 years, get back to the things that worked for you before. This time though the important thing to remember is that if we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to keep using support to help us maintain recovery.Keep posting.
-
??
Hey Laura
You know it aint easy, it’s a lot easier to keep on giving in, but you KNOW that you can stop.
You’ve done it before and really there’s no reason you can’t now.
You wouldn’t have been looking here if you thought it impossible.
One thing is for certain, things will get better even if it takes a while, once you stop gambling and get back into recovery. Things will only get worse and worse if you don’t.
Nobody needs to be a slave to gambling but yet many of us choose to be, I dont think any of us really know why. What does it matter. Leave your gambling addiction where it deserves to be..in the past.
Please keep posting, there are many of us here that remember your posts I’m sure.
Take care.
Geordie.
-
-
-
So true Charles. I had stopped maintaining my recovery. Whether it’s because I thought I didn’t need it any more or just “got away” from the things that helped me remember that I have a gambling PROBLEM that will never be solved. That it must always be managed using the tools that helped me stop in the first place. Thanks for you post.
-
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement Geordie! As far as the why, who know this time round. I think it’s because deep down I still like it. But like all addicts I can’t have what I like because I can’t take it or leave it, do it in small amounts, use reason, or be financially responsible to myself and my family. Because I basically self destruct! Glad to see you still here, working your recovery. Thanks again, Laura
-
-
That’s the thing about making it to group meetings that are moderated here. They voice the questions you do not want to ask your self. Because you already know the answers. And you don’t want to hear them. And if your lucky they’ll ask you something you never thought to ask, they’ll give you advice that is spot on, because quite often they’ve been there before. So what does the person who fell off the wagon have to do? Give over control of finances again in my case. Which no matter what will raise all sorts of questions. Ones I never thought I’d have to face again. I somehow got careless about my recovery, my abstinence and my own mental health. And what are the consequences of this relapse? I am once again a liar and a the very least a deceitful person who has risked financial harm for my family. And it took me to the brink before. How can i fool myself like this? That somehow it is going to end up different than every other time? I just keep thinking omg I suck. Weekends are safe for me, no opportunity. Doing some touch up painting this weekend and having nephew for a sleepover. Cooking a roast pork dinner tonight. No time for trouble! Avoiding doing what I should. Wondering if there is someone else to monitor me. I never wanted to be in this place again. My addiction will never end. Laura
-
Scary. Until you accept it.
Our addiction has no end. I’m certain this is the same with every addiction. Apparently, we re-wire our brains.
Scary knowledge.
However, without this knowledge, we’d be doomed. Catch-22.
I was here as well, Laura. I only can wish that I could claim your 6 years. I can. I will. Thanks for coming back. It’s proof that this is never over. We have a war to fight, not merely a battle.
Thank you for your honesty and strength.
-
Thanks Dan. When i spent hours reading articles on gambling addiction in the beginning of my recovery,it amazed me how much it affects our brain , changes them. How come people don’t understand it is a real addiction when it is purposefully designed to be as addictive as possible. Designed to light up our reward centers like holiday fireworks. And when life is treating us sh*tty what other way to try and balance things out? May as well set of the brain chemical fireworks. I’ve always had trouble controlling my gambling, almost from the very first day. I’ve historically dealt with depression. Then add down right selfish insensitivity on the part of my husband and best friend and well, gambling for a few hours every day, and more if i could get away with it, looked pretty dam good. But that is the past, 12 years ago now.
So what is my excuse now? I just like them. Like the kick of adrenaline I get when I win. Enough that I don’t mind losing to get it, I’m never a real winner after all. I’m sneaking around like a thief hiding from my husband and any of his family i may run into. His mom had blabbed to his family that I had blown a lot of money gambling. Some of them like to gamble too. Or, maybe run into a friend of my husbands who’d mention to him that they’d seen me. Risking my marriage as he’d sworn the last time he’d leave me if he caught me gambling again. That was a good part of me being gamble free for 6 years. That was my big barrier. But for some reason that isn’t enough right now.
Work days and appointment days in the city are my bad days. Because I run errands and sometimes they end up taking longer as i go gambling and then rush to get a few things done before getting home. This has limited my damages as i don’t have much time. But, where there is a will there is a way and sooner or later I’ ll cause myself great harm.
I was hoping to catch someone in chat but it’s been a quiet hour. Time to do laundry and get ready for a Monday. I did a little bit of painting this afternoon. Nice coat of white on my trim in my new little office/den. Nearly killed me but I did it. Well, two thirds, the rest is for another day.
I really need to focus on the gambling issue as I have money coming to me in a couple of months! ODAAT, I need to set up some safe guards for that money before it comes!
-
-
so yeah, no money was actually a little money that was to get us through to payday. I spent half of it gambling. And we scrambled through with me constantly checking credit card balances and having a lie prepared for why I couldn’t pay for my treatment- physio. I just don’t like my current head space. Changing in someways would be so easy. Just open my mouth and tell my husband. It’s hard to admit. Because if you don’t know what that irresistable draw feels feels like how can you undrstand? Weekend safe time. I need to get a grip.
-
Hi Laura
Over 6 years ago your husband told you he would leave you if you gambled again and it possibly went part way to encouraging you to change your life but more importantly you stopped for you. Has your marriage been happy in the meantime, does he still show you his love, do you really believe that he would call it a day on your marriage if he knew? Is it less important to you than it was then?
From all that you have said I would be inclined towards leaving him in the dark for a period of time now you have embraced your gamble-free life again. I have no idea whether or not your husband would carry out a threat made such a long time ago and only you can know if your marriage is one you want to hold on to. What I am sure about is that a gamble-free Laura was a happier Laura than she has been recently and gambling has caused that upset in your peace of mind.
I completely agree you should focus on you and your recovery from this blip before the money you are expecting arrives.
Take ODAAT for Laura and nobody else – it is you that holds the key to your future happiness, not your friends or your family. Lying hurts those around you but it will hurt you more.
“We can do anything for just one day” is not just what ‘they’ say; it is what you said to others and what you said to you and what you know to be true.
Look after yourself
Velvet -
thank you Velvet very much for you post. I have read it a few times but never had the time to really let it sink in, digest a bit. Found a little bit of quiet time to reflect. I know gambling free Laura was a lot happier. I could give you a lot of reasons why i continue to dip my toe in the water of temptation. Money is tight which get’s the CG brain thinking it could maybe just win some money. I’ve been using it as a bit of a pressure release, which never works I know. When you lose, which is guaranteed to happen, it just adds another layer of pressure. And then there is always the “reward”. It’s your birthday, you’ve had a tough few months, you deserve it.
I will not gamble today. And that is the commitment I can make right now.I am busy doing a little bit of painting in my little home office. I’m going to be spending a little more time working from home. I’ve had a bit of time off of work and am really pacing myself. If I want things done I have to do them myself quite often. Which rather annoys me! I need to turn those feelings around. Make peace with them or express them.
Time to get moving and get a little more done.Have a gamble free day,
Laura -
so i was wondering why i am here now. I was staring at the screen trying to decide if i even wanted to be here making an effort to re integrate GT and the other commitments of trying to recover my gambling sobriety. And am I willing to be honest with myself. To say the things that come to mind. Anonymity has always been a big thing with me. Being found out to be a CG was terrible! And it was shared by my husband with his parents. Who then chose to share it with other family members before. I was so humiliated at what I had done. And he had only said a little of what I had done really. It just wasn’t their place to share. And then I found out his aunt had gone to his parents before about how much she had seen my car outside the local gambling venue. Again, the truth. So turns out it was the truth that I was humiliated by. I didn’t like my reputation tarnished. Another to be pitied. Hooked by the machines. It was so painful having that truth shown into the light. And here I am, had 6 years of sobriety. And have been throwing that away. Because no matter the reason or where i put blame it’s me that makes the choice to gamble. To take hard earned money and waste it when there have been so many places it could have gone over the past two years. I believe I read a few times on Vera’s thread about her plan. I think it is time to make a plan of my own.
Today I did not gamble.
-
Laura, don’t torture yourself. The people who spread gossip about the weaknesses of others, are often deflecting from their own faults. None of our friends or family members are perfect. Having said that, their reaction probably served a purpose at the time. It kept you on the straight and narrow. You are in a different place now than you were then. You have decided to act, not re act. Just keep things simple Laura. If I had panicked when I lost my lump sum online in March 2015 I would be in deep s%*” now. I listened to advice I got from a fellow GT traveler and sat tight. I told none of my family I had lost that money. My husband had taken enough This would have ruined him. I lay low. Licked my own wounds and prayed to God above to “grant me the serenity etc”. 22 months later, I’m feeling far more secure. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Gambling is NOT about money. Recovery is not either but for me it is about restitution. From a very early age, we were taught that we must pay back what we owe. Like you mentioned, the money we wasted gambling was not rightfully ours. In my book it’s sinful to dip into funds that don’t belong to me. Tantamount to theft. I stole from myself, from my family and not only by using money but by wasting precious time. I have to account for both now . That’s what my Plan is all about.
It also serves to bring balance into my life. Gambling is a symptom of imbalance in our lives. I pay my gambling debts slowly but surely (Three more years to go-and I’m no Spring chicken!) To watch my savings grow and my debt come down brings a certain equilibrium to my life. Look on recovery as Life’s Scales, Laura. Everything will balance at the end of the day.
Take on a new mindset. A fresh approach . I know you have some health issues. So have I. Stress plays havoc with physical health. Gambling creates stress. Gambling takes our peace. Gambling gives us nothing. It takes and takes. Why give it anymore?
Tell yourself today, Laura that you are going to restore what you have lost. It is never too late to start anew. You have every reason to feel a bit despondent but that feeling will prevent you from moving forward. Regardless of how you feel , begin to act on that plan. Seeing it develop will be a symbol of a new start. A new Laura!
Just for today, I will not gamble! -
bummer! My post i made yesterday isn’t here. I must not have hit enter or something. So I’ll say some of it again! Thank-you Vera for your post! It was very insightful, made me think more about paying myself back. It may be a little at a time but an incentive for something better. Friends of ours have asked us to go south next winter to a resort. Money put in the slots could be money towards a trip. Just another small reason not to gamble on top of all the big important ones. I need to remember how desperate i once was. So very desperate. Suicidal. Thinking all kinds of crazy things to get money to cover up what I had done. I mean things like thinking about kidnapping, break and enter. I’m a middle aged career woman who has physical disabilities. Not your typical criminal. But at the time, when I was at the bottom of the huge gambling pit of despair I had created, these thoughts seemed almost normal. My thought process is pretty normal these days, but slowly there has been some warping due to the dabbling in gambling I’ve been doing. We desperately needed a new set of tires for the truck. In two months I gambled away enough to buy them. I normalized this, justified it in my mind at the time. Thank god I have been only able to sneak here and there for very minimal amounts of time or I might have put the house at risk AGAIN! I need to become reinvested in my recovery, my sanity. So yesterday i posted that I was going to the city. I had tried to convince hubby to come so i wouldn’t be able to go gambling. He didn’t want to come. So, I made a list that would take me enough time that i wouldn’t be able to squeak in a trip. I had to be home by 3 with the fixings for supper, hubby was cooking. I didn’t gamble. Today will be a safe day, home for the day and I don’t gamble at the local venues, too many people would talk. I am going to try and take some time for myself today. I deserve it. ODAAT
Laura -
??
Hi Laura
Was it easy not to gamble yesterday, or was it a struggle? I’m pleased you didn’t as you know it dosnt take much to set the addiction away at full speed.
I’m hoping you’ve got your mojo back!
Keep it up.
Geordie.
-
-
Thanks Geordie, I definitely had some thoughts, but I just couldn’t fit it in without missing something on my list and then having to justify to hubby. Between that and my thoughts of here and how I have been feeling were enough to get me through safe. I also didn’t have much money to access which helped. I hope I’ve found my mojo too. Because I don’t want to go back to the hell I created before. Yes when I stopped before, my husband and others were a big factor in my decision, but I also didn’t want to be the person I had become. Whether my husband or family supported me or not. It was easier with their help, I gave complete control of my money away, which got me through some tough times. But it was me that ultimately made the choice to stop looking for ways to gamble. Once I got the devil out of my system some anyway. In the beginning I don’t know if I could have controlled myself long or not. I’m rambling now I think! I took time to have a longgg nap after supper. Now I’ll be up til three am Liz! But I know I need to do things for myself. I like to treat myself to fresh flowers now and again. As soon as I have a decent pay I’ll get myself a nice bouquet. Take care everyone, made it through another gamble free day. That is 8 days for me. ODAAT
Laura
-
So I did it’s post about being grateful for the little things really got me to thinking. I do try and be grateful for the little things in life. Right now I could be bitter and sulk that my lump sums will almost exclusively go to cover debt. But on the other hand it will be great to be almost debt free. I will be at a point where there will be some money for savings. I’m thinking I will open a tax free savings account under my husbands bank account. That way if I want any money out of it for anything I will have to ask him. If I get behind on my regular bills that will cause problems as well. Risking having the electricity shut off is another barrier. There is part of me that just doesn’t have the appetite to do it all over again. They high interest loans, begging to family for financial help, total humiliation. I have to convince myself (remind myself) depending which brain i’m using, that this will be the end result. Gambling = downhill spiral into the gutter for me. PERIOD. I was doing a little more touch up painting. Took a break to have a coffee and see if anyone was around in group this morning. Quiet again. I’m hoping to finish up my painting today. Then get hubby to scrub the floor for me. It’s all coming together finally. Again something I can be grateful for. Most of the time I’m so busy being frustrated that things aren’t getting accomplished fast enough. Sun is shining, spring is coming, and I haven’t touched a slot machine in 9 days. Counting isn’t good for some, for me I think I almost need to. I’m enjoying a long Easter weekend. Hoppy Easter everyone,
Laura -
-
Thanks I Did It, I think it will feel good. But I have to make sure I make it to that point. I’ve been on the site regularly since my last bet. Re imursing myself in recovery is helping to keep away urges so far. Never anyone around in group. I’ m thinking I should take in a GA meeting. 10 days no gambling. Happy Easter everyone
-
-
-
thanks Charles for the advice as always. It has been good to make it to some of the earlier sessions when there are facilitators to talk to. Tonight I had a little company too. It did me good to talk barriers with someone new. I need a little reminding of the tools of recovery. Rusty. Still not gambling. ODAAT
-
Thanks for posting on my thread, Laura. ‘Hope your first day back at work went well. Don’t be too hard on yourself for what you didn’t get done. (I still haven’t sorted out my Christmas decorations and now Easter is gone!!) I used to drive myself crazy about things I failed to do but I just let things go over my head now. Some days I make a spurt and do a lot. Other days, I do nothing. Nice that you went visiting with hubby. I had to cancel visitors yesterday. I wouldn’t have done that in the past but I did. They understood. Then my neighbour came over yesterday evening. I invited them for tea (not to waste the food I had prepared for my original visitors) They stayed late and we had a good chat. My voice is gone completely today. I just need to be patient.
Regarding support, Laura, isn’t if crazy how we manage to avoid all support when we want to gamble? The good news is, the support will still be there when we reach out for it. A few newcomers, a few golden oldies, all ready to add a little nugget of wisdom to our “hoard”.
Do you read the GA literature Laura? Some good support there too.
I have never yet met a CG who regretted not giving in to an urge, but met many who said “Why, oh why, did I give in?” -
Thank you Vera, for you very thoughtful post. I am reaching out to that support. Had a very good one on one with a very good recovery friend. We were very close with our time in the program. She is still going strong. Heard about another friend who had never admitted to a problem still losing all kinds of money. And here I am, with my big toe dipped back in the pool of recovery. I am ready to jump back. And as I’ve learned the lessons before and have had years of experience it would be much like never forgetting how to swim once you’ve truly learned. I’ve been talking a lot to my husband about where my money is to go once I receive it. So that he knows if it doesn’t go there. Slowly i’m working on my barriers. And using the tools of recovery. – Laura
-
-
Yes, Laura, I do feel a bit like a woman with a man’s problem in GA. Its a good description. Most of the men there are ex bookie gamblers ( and a couple of the women also) but some of the younger guys go to casinos too. Strangely, I met a lot of men in casinos and some couples who gambled together, but every now and then one of them would turn up alone and say “you didn’t see me here today, ok?!”
Like you, I often stopped at the ATM on the way home to take out a few crisp notes to convince myself, not my husband, that I was “in the money”. In reality I would have “exchanged” probably 20 crisp fifty euro notes for 5 raggy fivers! How sad!
I don’t think I could cope with all the mental gymnastics again.
I really don’t think I would have another recovery in me.
Thank God you came back before the problem progressed this time.
The support here on GT has fallen off big time. -
thanks for coming by Vera and sharing your wisdom. I am here for support, but here too for myself somehow. But it is better with interaction i think. Keep working your recovery and you wont have to have another day 1 again. Mental gymnastics is a good description. I could wear myself out with the mind games. Today is day 18. Money is tight at the moment but I will not be tempted to try and multiply my money. Too often it has left me broke and with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Only itching like a bad case of hives to go back.
I was hoping to be around for group but i may have to go lay down.
stay strong,
Laura -
It’s late and i’m tired but I can’t sleep. Money troubles. It’s terrible what this takes from us. Lost money represents lost time and opportunities that should have been spent with family. Or even on ourselves. Not the twisted way we reward ourselves with gambling as addicts. You’ve worked hard this week, you deserve a bit of time to throw away enough money to pay your bills for the next two weeks. Who needs to pay their bills? Stressed. I haven’t gambled. I have not enough money for what I need to pay now. three weeks today. I can do this. One day at a time. Laura
-
I gambled tonight.
I am a cg. And always will be. Who did I think I was? A “normal” person? What a joke.
So, I’m putting those barriers back up before things get really out of control.
Just wanted to know that I think of you more than you know.
I’m going to NYC in October, so close my friend.
I often think of our coffees on your porch.
Keep going. Its all any of us can do.
Love you loads, K xxx -
I gambled. I sunk to a new low. I took extra money out of my son’s bank account when he gave me his card to get something done for him. I had to write that. Say it out loud. I was never this kind of person. The gambling is corrupting me and stealing who I am capable of being. I owe him some money and have tacked it on to the amount. I’m really ashamed of it all. I hate who I have become. Desperate. ?? ?? As you say Kathryn, I am a CG, who did I think I was kidding? Stupid stupid stupid. Day 3
-
What can I say, Laura?
You’ve been on my mind over the past few days. I wasn’t well. Sorry I didn’t post.
What could you have done differently that would have prevented that happening Laura?
I “used” my son often enough to get loans (lots of them) and to manipulate him into transferring money URGENTLY to my bank account to keep me “buzzing” to know how you feel right now…….it can’t be undone Laura but really you will have to tell him never to give you his card again.
We can never say “I wouldn’t do such a thing, ever”…as KenL often said…NOT YET…
Its 3 :30 am Laura. I’m a bit frazzled
I hope and pray that this will be IT.
Talk soon…this is a tough reminder of what gambling will do to you, to me to every CG… -
??
Don’t think words from anyone will help change how you’re feeling right now.
To me a stark reminder of where each and every one of us CGs can end up, ( or pass by on the way to even worse places).
Believe me Laura you’ve crossed a line. You were never this kind of person? I was never a criminal but gambling took me to prison five times.
Addiction knows no limits, stop this madness Laura. Don’t say you can’t. You can do, you’ve done it before.
I apologise sincerely at my lack of sympathy but ffs you’re not new to recovery. Neither are you weak. You’ve had a very weak moment and crossed a line you never thought you would. Is this rock bottom for you. Will you start to take recovery seriously now? I.e. Not having access to cash even your own, never mind your sons.
Laura I don’t sympathise, however I do empathise and I know that however bad things are that there is hope. You have to start again. You are no different to any other CG, or any other addict, this is what addiction can do and does do to perfectly rational people each and every day.
I do have faith you will bounce back from this eventually however bad you feel right now.
The fact you’ve come here and posted is a good sign, is there any other help you can get at this time? I hope you tell your son the truth maybe he can support you in your recovery.
Today’s a new day. One day at a time you can get back to where you were.
Take care, Despite my lack of sympathy Laura I wish you well in your quest to get it sorted.
All the best.
Geordie.
-
My CG brain is coming up with all the required excuses. It wasn’t much i “borrowed without asking” stole. Only $55. But I know that it isn’t the amount that matters it’s what I’ve done. I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well Vera. Thanks for thinking about me, and praying for me I’m sure. I hope your word in with the big fellow helps me, it sure can’t hurt.
Thanks Geordie for your tough love. Wanting to keep others from going down the same road. I know access to cash is an issue. So is lack of cash. I felt pressure to try and win some hahahaha (insert hysterical laughter here).
Today is a new day. Thinking about what i need to do. Tell someone who will monitor my spending. It is 6am, last post was done around 1am. And work today.
I am a little muddled this morning but reflecting,
Laura -
Hi Laura, well done on coming here and being honest.
Geordie has made some good, tough points and vera has asked the question that we all need to answer – What can you do differently?
You already know some of those “differentlys” Accountability, getting to GA. The question you have to decide is whetehr to do that now? Or later when possibly deeper in the mire.
Lack of cash is an issue, are things manageable financially? Ifnot then get some proper financial advice as well. there are a lot of options around these days, from some sort of repayment plan through to bankruptcy.
Keep posting. Let us know the positive steps that you are taking.
-
Hi Laura,
I never stole money from my kids (they didn’t have any!)
When I do think about what I stole from them the list is a long and painful one……
Time with me
Food in their bellies ……(I spent the grocery money on many many occasions)
My attention (I’m not sure I can name a single thing we talked about when they were little, my brain was too busy scheming to gamble)
Christmas…..the cheapest, crapest, thoughtless presents for quite a few years (id spent all the present money)
Birthdays….as above
Cuddles…..too busy
Kisses…..too busy
Love….. too busy
There’s many ways I have stolen from the ones I love.
I can never get that back, I can never give back what I took.
We have today to make positive choices. We have tomorrow to look forward to. Every day is a new beginning.
Yep, you stuffed up Laura.
You came here and admitted it, and I admire you so much for that, for your honesty. That must have been a hard post to write.
You can do this Laura.
Love K xxx -
-
-
-
so sorry for not posting this past few weeks!! I actually had my back go out a couple weeks ago and haven’t been able to sit at at my computer for longer than a minute or two. I do have the GT ap loaded on my phone, but for some reason the forums are so small I can’t read them. No gambling, I haven’t had a choice. Can’t drive much either! No money also. Pain is a barrier at the moment as well! Take care everyone. Laura
-
-
Oh girl, I hope your back is on the mend. Totally debilitating!!!!!
141 days until my trip, it is literally the only thing that is keeping me alive at the moment.
Jode and I have taken on running the canteen at our local football club, they are paying us and it is all going towards our holiday, in fact, what we earn is paying our NYC accommodation so we felt it was worth it. 9 days out of our lives….all good in theory.
So we start at 6am and finish around 6pm and it is flat chat the whole time we are there. We really aren’t getting paid a lot if you break it down to an hourly rate….but…..its New York!!!!!
My exclusion is now in place, done and dusted. When the man took the photo of me he took it on his phone. Well, he had the damn thing sooooo close to my face you could see every little pore (and proboably hair on my chin lol), it was horrific!!!!!
The price I pay for my sanity…..worth every bit!!!
Anyway, just wanted to touch base with you, as I said before I hope your back is on the mend, take care my lovely friend.
Love K xxxxxxxxx -
Still keeping out of trouble! Back is still out. Getting very depressed as no one understands what it’s like to have chronic back problems it seems. I look pretty normal so what’s the problem! Can’t even escape into sleep which used to be my place to get away from the pain. Now pain keeps me awake.
Hope you survived the Canteen Kathryn! LOL the picture taking sounds hilariously awful! Hope he doesn’t keep it!
Will pop by your thread! Laughter is the best medicine!ODAAT
L
-
Long term illness /conditions that involve pain are poorly understood, Laura.
I’m sorry to hear you have to suffer alone. I hear you on the sleep difficulties.
I’m sure you have tried all the alternative methods as well as the conventional ones. Balance between rest and exercise , heat and cold seems to be effective for some chronic pain sufferers.
Gambling would probably lull the pain too but think of the awful consequences you would have to deal with.
Hopefully you will find some less expensive relief. -
So true Vera! Pain, physical and emotional was never far away for me when I first started gambling. It was my big escape. A betraying bestie made friendship the last thing I wanted. And the convenient and accessible gambling gave me distraction that would fit into my schedule! I could go morning gambling when pain levels were lower. And with coffee and cigarette in hand the slot machines became my new best friend. But it is a false friend. One that only takes in the end for me. I am a CG and that is never going to change. Thanks for posting Vera. Take care, Laura
-
I hope your back is feeling better. I am sitting here with the heat pack on mine at the moment, it is nothing on what you have got but a sore back is absolute crap!!!!!
No baby yet. I’m starting to think she isn’t even pregnant, maybe she has a big pillow under her tops cause it feels like that child is never going to enter the world, or maybe he will do so with spirit fingers wiggling, screeching ‘I’m here!!!!’ Already making an entrance!!! LOL
She had acupuncture on her back yesterday and they hooked it up to some electric thing to try and get him moving. She said he was squirming like anything, I’m sure hes in there going ‘nup, its too bloody cold out there!!!’
I’m getting a little bit of time off (not much) but I want to try and help her as much as I can.
Anyway girlfriend,
Just wanted to check in,
Hope the Jacks Crack is feeling better!!!!
Love K xxxxxxx -
now that is a new one on me! Jack’s crack? lol Back is no better, sciatic nerve is being a total b*tch. I’m off work for a while now trying to get things to settle. Nothing much seems to help. Pain killers take the edge off but life is pretty uncomfortable in just about every position including sitting. Massage, Physio, the whole nine yards. Want to be able to sit long enough to have my coffee. I haven’t been gambling, I can’t drive and i have no money. So it hasn’t even been on my mind funny enough. But I know I should be more wary about when I do leave the house. Unfortunately right now it just feels like I’m surviving minute to minute. Congratulations on your grandson Kathryn! A new chapter in life is beginning. So glad you got your ban in place! You’ll have too many places for your money to go. Keep looking forward, you are doing awesome.
Laura -
So sorry to hear you are still in pain, Laura. Have the docs suggested surgery, at all? Not being able to drive is a deterrent to keep you G free but on the other hand , it’s a big drawback.
Life should be about more than survival. I hope all avenues of treatment are being looked into. Don’t let them put you on the scrap heap, Laura. Keep yelling for attention. Not easy I know. Above all keep moving! -
thanks for your concern! I’m mid testing to see if there are any changes since my surgery almost 10 years ago. Waiting to review with doc. The public medical system grinds along slowly but it will get there. It’s the isolation that can get to you. And of course I’m not always a peach to my family living with me. I just keep praying that something will change. Staying gamble free. No interest in going online. I’ve often said I’m to instant gratification for that. I want to have the money in my grubby hands right away! Not to mention I think it is illegal here so how would I deposit my big win? LOL there goes that crazy gamble brain thinking! What big win? It would be played away long before the the cashout could happen. Take care, Laura
-
Just checking in with you.
Saturday morning here, I have done my week with Brea so back to work on Monday, I’m not sure how I will function not seeing that little boy every day! Thankfully she is the snapchat queen and hopefully she will send me plenty.
Dames is working, so I’m here in my dressing gown, coffee on the desk having a lazy morning. Ive just finished making a big pot of soup which is delicious, winter weather here calls for it!
Dames is going out tonight, its the wetting of the babys head at some german restaurant thing. I’m sure he will have a great time, I’m the driver/taxi for the night so very quiet one for me.
So the next big thing in my life is this trip to the USA. We have 3 more football canteens to do, 3 in a row starting next weekend which we are dreading but it really will be worth it, we have made decent money out of it, but if they want us next year we will be asking for more. We had no idea how much work went into it. We have decided that if it comes to pass we will put that money into our joint account and save for another trip in about 4 years time (maybe Europe) I’m not jumping the gun though, we shall see.
I’m happy to see you aren’t gambling, your poor back though, jeez, I get a little sore back sometimes, I cannot imagine living with your pain. I hope that something happens for you soon, it sounds like your public medical system is a lot like ours, theres long waiting lists for things like backs, hips and knees. Frustrating for sure.
Anyway, just wanted to say hi (that was a really long hi…lol)
My coffee cup is empty, time to refill!!!!
Take care my lovely friend,
Love K xxx -
Still gamble free, but if you physically can’t get there that’s a big help.
So happy for you Kathryn. Truly! You deserve great things to look forward to. You have really stuck to your guns in recovery. That grand-baby you can totally focus on instead of how to pay the bills cause last pay went in the pokies! The great relationship you have with your daughter instead of rushing off to gamble. Just imagine how different things would be right now if you had never stopped gambling all those years ago now. Be proud, you have built this new gamble free life one day at a time.Life is quiet right now for me with lots of waiting for tests and results and specialists. This is causing a bit of an upheaval in my relationship as my partner finds it an inconvenience to deal with an ill person. Who knew! I’m glad he thinks he will always be in perfect health and never have to rely on anyone!
I am having a hard time focusing on anything these days but it would be a good time to work the steps and focus on my addiction. It tends to go to sleep or lay low when I can’t go for long periods of time. And then wham, first opportunity down the road it will sneak up and bite me. And make up for lost time.
Laura
-
Thank you for taking the time and making an effort to post to my thread on 28th, Laura.
We take so much for granted.
I’m so sorry to hear you are in pain and still having difficulty getting around.
I just hope and pray that the results of your tests will lead to the discovery of a suitable treatment that will ease your discomfort and give you a better quality of life.
They say “health is wealth” but I think accepting long term ailments brings us a different kind of wealth. It makes us stronger in many ways and gives us an understanding of others’ suffering. People who have never been ill don’t know how to empathize. Maybe your husband will never gain that knowledge. It’s like gambling in many ways. Only other CGs “get it”! Trying to be patient with our own and others’ shortcomings is very draining. Try to break your days up into short “blocks” Laura. I read a suggestion on another thread on GT that stretching and breathing help. I agree with that. I know you are limited and need to “follow orders” but if you could plan to do 5 things each day within your scope it will keep your spirits up, instead of dwelling on things you cannot do.
The good news is that you are not into online gambling, Laura. Don’t ever give it a second thought.
On the days you don’t feel up to posting, don’t push yourself but even a couple of words now and then would be appreciated.
Always in my thoughts and prayers Laura.
Better days ahead, hopefully! -
-
Thanks Vera and P for your posts and suggestions Vera. I can’t believe it’s been a month since I’ve posted but it’s been a rough one I’m afraid. Lots of pain. I’ve been a big stretcher and have been going to physio for almost ten years believe it or not Vera. They help to keep my body moving. My tests are showing a benign mass on my spine which is pressing against my spinal cord. I have an appointment coming up with a surgeon for the initial consult. He did my previous back surgery so he knows my history. I’m glad we have universal health care in Canada. I couldn’t imagine having to try and pay for this if it wasn’t covered by an insurance or I didn’t have any. I hope you are all doing well. I’d like to be here more but it can be difficult. Will do my best though to give you a few words Vera. Take care GT friends. stay strong!
-
Hi Laura ,
Sorry to read your health is poor at the moment but your post is upbeat and optimistic just the same . I hope you are feeling supported . All countries should have health care – it’s something we take for granted in the UK.
Post whenever you feel up to it and let them s know how things go – it would be nice to see you in a group sometime soon too although they now coincide with my ga meeting .
Thinking of you Laura -
It was so good to see some old and new faces in group chat last night. Gave me a boost to connect. In all honesty I’m in a constant state of distracted pain. I can’t even focus on a book or quite often even a tv program or silly game on my phone. When pain levels are lower I try and take advantage to move and get those things done that seem to be part of never ending housework. Although my housekeeping leaves a lot to be desired as I tend to do the stand up stuff. Everything below my waist tends to get ignored! Floors are atrocious! I have a consult with a surgical specialist tomorrow. I’ll find out more then. So that’s the health front update.
Gambling. I can’t get out to gamble. So there has been an imposed abstinence period of two and a half months. But I haven’t been thinking about my addiction, or how I’m going to deal with it when I’m mobile again. For now I really don’t even think about it day to day. Then a silly thought will pop in about how I’m going to sneak in a session some way some how next time I’m out of the house. But it isn’t possible. If my family ever seen me put one cent in a machine they would be terribly upset and disappointed in me. I don’t want to go back there again. So I guess I’d better start trying to focus and do something about it again. I’ll try to update soon.
take care,
Laura -
-
I made the trip yesterday to see the surgeon. He is recommending a fairly major back surgery. I’ve already had one before and I guess that wasn’t that answer I wanted to hear. Unfortunately where I am there is a waiting list. 1 year. Very depressing to think the improvements won’t even start for that long. Now that thought makes me want to gamble! Escape! Maybe forget my pain for a few minutes. I’m in chat, going to do some reading. Thanks for the support. Laura
-
Laura – sorry our meeting in chat wa so brief – please do not gamble . It will make everything that’s bad in ur life so much worse – but of course U know this and of course u won’t !
I hope get some relief from the pain Laura -wish I could give you some helpful advice but just know I will be praying for u . -
-
??
Lol, a new one to me too.
Thanks for your post Laura, like everyone else I’m sorry to hear that you’re in so much pain, will you have to wait much longer for surgery?
You sound a lot more “chipper”despite your pain. I’m pleased you posted after the “incident” with your sons money. Can’t believe that was nearly six months ago, things were getting progressivley worse for you. Who knows where you might have been now if you hadn’t of posted about it then, I would think at that time the emotional pain for you was on par with the physical pain that you’re suffering with your back. At least now things are getting progressively better for you, it might be a slow progression but it is happening. I haven’t read your thread in ages but seen a few posts you’ve written on others’ thteads. (There were 7 new on this one when I read it last night).
I just wanted to say thanks for your kind post and wish you well with your back. This post is being typed on my phone but I try to use my laptop whenever poss. I’ve been typing a bit at each delivery point throughout the night.
Take care Laura, I hope you’re taking strength from those of us you have seem here for years and have perservered with this problem, and finally have found what sure feels like recovery.
You’re doing great, apart from your back.
Wishing you well. :-).
-
-
Is there any hope you might be bumped up as a priority case due to the extent of your pain, Laura?
I’m guessing you don’t have private medical cover?
My husband cancelled our Private Health Care when I was gambling. He was paying all the bills …….one thing I did when I stopped gambling, was to renew mine.
Are there any politicians in your area looking for votes ? Where I live people target those guys and often get good results.
Try every avenue Laura. Including prayer. God is good! -
When I read Geordie’s last post to me here I immediately was reminded about what I had so quickly forgotten in my health imposed abstinence. That I can always continue to sink to a new low when in action. And that the last time I had a health imposed abstinence I eventually got back my independence. Very shortly after my “recovery” efforts went out the window and I went on a full blown out of control spree. If I do not recognize this and actually use this time to work on myself and my barriers I will be worse than ever! My nearly six years of abstinence were mostly due to barriers and giving it a 110% effort to deal with the underlying issues that I had. But if I am being honest with myself the last few years of my recovery/long abstinence I slid away from all the things I need to continue on the right path. I stopped going to GA, I stopped using GT I thought because of some changes, I allowed everyone to give me back total control of my household finances and I did not use personal counseling. Sounds like a recipe for failure to me. Sounds like a road map of how to do it wrong. So thank you Geordie for taking the time that you did to read my posts and for your pointed comment. It was a gentle reminder to this mixed up CG.
Laura -
-
??
That is the thing Laura.
As time goes by, as it surely does. We do tend to forget the absolute horror and sick to the stomach pain we’ve endured for years.
We forget because we start missing groups, and instead of logging on here for a bit we will do something else.
We can forget that once we were naive and didn’t know the violent ferocity of addiction. We all do know now though. But too many of us, the further from our last bet we get seem to forget the golden rule, which I think applies to each and everyone of us. We are never cured, support has to be ongoing. We’ve nearly all proved that to ourselves not that we need to, it is a fact.
Over the years I’ve met a great many people at GA, or other support groups many many years clean who still regularly go to meetings, its obvious why they’ve stayed clean so long.
Thanks for your nice and kind words.
-
-
You are back on track now in your recovery which is a great thing to see and wow did you have a lot of time off gambling, i cannot imagine being that long gamble free but certainly hope to be. You really have got back on track well though and you are once more here and reaching out for help… Im so pleased as some never return here.
You were extremely generous to me with your time and friendship in my early recovery and i will always appreciate that.. you have done a wonderful job of recovery. Those years you had are still there.. all those years gamble free and embedded in your brain and there are many more to come now i am sure.. a day at a time of course.
Wishing your pain to easeP
-
Thanks so much Geordie. It’s true, the long timers at GA don’t miss going to meetings. And they don’t forget to tell their story. They remind themselves in front of a group of peers exactly what it was like. And the newbies bring fresh pain to remind them if their story has faded in time.
I’ve proven a few times that I can forget the past as the rawness of the feelings fade. I wish I could stick my last post at the top, to remind myself as I sign on. Reminds me of Kin’s parable about walking down the street with the hole in it. Maybe this time I’ll add another line or two and make it further down the street of recovery.
night! -
Thank you so much P for your lovely post. Made my heart smile ?? I was so glad to return to the site and see you doing well with your recovery. You and Vera struggled so hard to fight the demon and to come back and see both of you succeeding thrilled me and is inspiring me to get back on track. I don’t think I ever made it a secret that I have some issues with anxiety. You always made me feel at ease and it has been good to “see” you around the site again. Take care and have a good day!
-
thanks for your kind thoughts Liz! I”m hoping it will too. My last surgery fused sections of my spine and put in rods. Surgery will be to cut out the mass and fuse another level. I’ve had a few better days, the mass which is actually made up of spinal fluid may have shrunk some as the pressure on the nerves has eased. I’m taking what I can get as I don’t know how long this will last. Any improvement is good improvement. I’ve been able to been on my computer a bit more which allows more contact here. Take care Liz!
-
I’ve had a bit of an improvement on the physical side of things. A bit of a respite from the pain. I’ve been taking advantage of it and doing things with friends. The small things that we take for granted are the important things. A coffee or short sight seeing drive with a friend. Lunch with my sister. When I was in action I didn’t have time or money for those things. They didn’t hold my interest. I wanted to be alone to gamble. I don’t want to fall back into that TRAP! Today I will not gamble.
-
I am pleased you are feeling a little better. Giving up gambling and have physical issues is difficult. I know because I have developed some debilitating health issues since stopping and the financial pressures. 75 days in and the rawness is still with me as my problems got a lot worse. But I Am hopeful and as idi says, learning patience as I am very impatient sometimes for things to shift. Well done on your gamble free time.
-
Hi Laura ,
Thank you for sharing those fabulous links on my thread – I can’t wait to get home and check them out properly .
I am so glad you are in less pain and even more glad to hear you are taking advantage of your improved health.You will not fall back into that trap because you see it coming and you know once we step into the trap we are powerless to escape . Who wants to spend any part of their lives in the painful teeth of a trap , trying desperately to escape and being unable to .
Not you Laura – you are too busy enjoying your improved health and time with family and friends and encouraging others to succeed where you have .
Well done . -
Really makes me smile taht you have some relief from that pain.. wow thats been a long time coming for sure..
Thats great you are getting out to do things.. something i am trying to implement myself but the action is harder than the thought right now lol…
Wonderful job Laura on your recovery … it really is the simple things isnt itP
-
Hi Laura,
I have just read those links you sent me and watched the video. They were really good.
I feel I understand so much more about this disease now and I feel in control.
I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to learn – but the powerlessness thing just didn’t properly register with me the way it does now .
Thank you for posting the link and I hope you have a pain free (and gamble free) day -
Thanks everyone for your support. Considering I really was through the ringer 8 years ago as a result of my gambling I cannot understand why I would start again. Other than
I did not stay engaged with my recovery. I ask myself why. It may sound silly, but I hit a point where I didn’t feel like I belonged here. Like I was too recovered. Like my life had gotten too mundane for those struggling in the depths of despair and to whom I probably sounded like a broken record with my tips. Sounds strange to me now. But at the time I felt alone again that was just how i felt. The site had gone through some major changes and I lost access to some long time supportive members, group admins and chat slots that had been part of the routine.I stopped going to Ga meetings because I was too busy, tired or sore from recurring physical problems while trying to maintain my income.
At home I was back to being caretaker, homemaker, chaffeur, breadwinner, financial planner, and all round last place when it came to having my needs met.
Does it sound like a sad story and a big old bunch of excuses?
Probably, but once again I was trying to fill something that was missing and using gambling as a coping mechanism. Hey I didn’t say it was a good one or a smart one. But I think that is what it was.
Thankfully I haven’t done my family the same financial damage, I have some barriers in place that I didn’t remove. And I have more I need to put in place. I always hesitate to post a statement like that. Because it almost sounds smug, like I came out the winner this time. Which I know isn’t the case. I realize how easy it was to throw away my other hard won gain like integrity and trust.
So I’m taking advice from others that are here, like me, just one bet away , and I’m going to try and journal again for me, without worrying what others might think. I realize I have a lot of growing to do.
Happy Halloween!
Laura -
Good post Laura. I wonder why it is so difficult sometimes to have our needs met. I have wondered about that a lot. I thought it might be a woman thing but I think men could probably say the same thing. You maintained such a long recovery period which stresses the importance of staying in touch with GA and recovery throughout the rest of our lives. I find this forum really valuable in doing that. In fact, I think I may be addicted to it! Healthier addiction than gambling that’s for sure.
-
When you are doing well no one posts you but when you are in dire straights you get post after post telling u what I should do or commiserating.
I guess I’m as guilty as anyone of this – although I notice my posts seem to annoy some people and others don’t feel I’m valuable enough to be worthy of a reply -the scientist part of me wonders if this is another trait of a person with gambling addiction – do we feel the need to be “in” with the “important” people on the threads- is this another variation of the “big. Shot” mentality? In truth once we achieve anything like recovery the replies kinda dry up so it is difficult to keep posting .
You had a slip and you did not do too much damage – well done u!
U have learned a lot during your recovery period and u don’t need to apologise for not being perfect – It’s today that counts and it sounds like u are well aware of where you are going. !
Keep strong. – u really are doing great Laura ! -
-
-
I like that expression, Laura!
“Too much to lose” is a good reason to stay “clean”, and it’s not just about money.
No “win” will buy the peace of mind that comes with honest /simple living.
No “thrill”can be had without the hangover.
So here we go, Laura, one day at a time, with our “buzzless”existence they call “Life”.
All of us only one bet away from the “hell” we escaped from.
“When you enjoy the scent of a thousand flowers, you won’t miss the fragrance of one” the proverb tell us and I agree! -
Thanks IDI, Monica And P for posting.
What you say is true. I had a lot of great days racked up until i started gambling again and I have had more since I stopped.
My day one, of my long stretch was horrible. My world was going to come crashing in and there was nothing i could do to stop it. Nothing it seemed anyway. I was in so much pain from the hurt I was going to cause and the mess that I had made that it hurt to b-r-e-a-t-h. I pecked out a sad message into the darkness. I wanted to hide. Waiting for a reply seemed an eternity. I would check and check my thread and read others. I was so scared and sick to my stomach. Time seemed to stand still.
It was a full couple of agonizing weeks later before I told my husband that if we didn’t get financial help we were going to lose our home or have to file for bankruptcy.
I was trolling this site for friendly advice the entire time. Thankfully I found a lot of that at the time and i have received the rewards of that every since.I had just shy of 6 years of gamble free living. It was not easy to come back from the brink or maybe the bottom of the pit. But I did. I paid my debts. I made amends. I made things better for my kids. There was a lot of progress in that time.
I have not lost the benefit of those years YET. The patterns are still ingrained. I am not missing gambling and other than using this forum I don’t think of it often.
I need to work hard at reinforcing the lessons I’ve already learned and continuing on the path of recovery as I am worth it.
I need my current abstinence due to illness to be recovery.
Laura
-
So true Vera! Guess we need to pick those thousand flowers to add to our boquet! Nothing says we have to stick to Daisies or Roses ?? ok a litle metaphor crazy maybe but it’s true. We don’t need stay with the pale version of life gambling has left us with. Over time we can become more rounded again. Thanks for the post! Laura
-
Laura ,
I think any absence from gambling weakens it hold over us , so long as we are not quietly thinking when I’m better I will go to the casino – not planning how we will only spend a limited amount and not planning on having “that win”.MAybe God has had a hand in making it difficult for you to access gambling right now –
We truly need to accept that we can never gamble on anything even once .
I love how Geordie wrote in my thread that slips are not part of stopping and that relapses are not inevitable .When we are stopped for a long time,I understand the thinking of GA is to help others – and in this we help ourselves reinforce how far we have come and how easily we can fall back – I guess it is the “give and you will receive “message . We are showing others that it can be done and how to do it – but also reminding the hidden addiction, which will live in our brains forever , that we are working against it , that we are aware and that we are never giving it our power again.
Vera wrote about mindset – you have an enforced period of no gambling now – maybe it’s a good time to revisit how bad it was – how you felt at the prospect of your family being homeless , the shock your husband felt …the steps you took to pay your debts , mend relationships and make a better life for your kids
Write about it all Laura – because it will not only reinforce for you how you have taken your power back from this addiction, but also serve to remind you how you need to work at this forever.
You are a great , kind woman who always has encouraging words for others . Work hard on your own recovery right now when doubts are creeping in.
Xx -
-
Laura thank u again for your post on my thread – I love ur posts – they really make me think .
I sometimes go back and read them again because they contain so much food for thought.
They are sometimes challenging to how I think but always supportive -challenging our thinking helps us grow .
Thank u . -
I lost my post! My own fault, so speedy recreation..
My rock bottom was 8 years ago. Ready to lose the house, high interest loans to the hilt, bills all overdue, no heating oil and winter coming! My partner didn’t have a clue! I was financial caretaker. In four years I had taken what should have finally been our time to become more comfortable and instead we were dead broke.
What should have been the beginning of family travel became a time of scrimping and scrounging.
I had to come face to face with what I’d done and fess up to it. No other choice. It took a long time to dig out of the whole and that was only with some pretty drastic changes and intervention.So IDI, in the beginning it was very slow. I started with what I could. De-cluttering. Cleaning, donating.
The bathroom was an easier room to tackle for me. It was in good shape except the toilet. Small room to paint so that was relatively inexpensive. Sometimes you can buy premixed paint in a pretty colour and it’s cheaper usually. A new shower curtain. New toilet. A few fresh new towels to finish it. For less than $250 I had new bathroom. But I picked at it. $50 for paint and supplies. Then the next month the toilet $120 (cheap but new and didn’t constantly plug)! And that leaves $80 for towels and shower curtain, new soap holder etc. I shop in discount shops and sometimes you can find cheap curtains. I found mine for $7 for the window in the bathroom.
I can’t remember exact time line but it was extremely slow in the beginning. I think the first thing i got rid of was these horrid 80’s coloured blinds that were dirty and dusty and long over due replacing in the kitchen, living room and bathroom. I replaced them with cheap white blinds but they were clean and all the slats were in one piece.
My sons rooms were painted, new curtains and bedding. They asked for their bedding as Christmas gifts I believe. Themed for their change in ages. Camo and Songebob. Long since out grown again.
It’s taken me the past three years to have the living room, kitchen, and hall painted. New curtains as well. Really paint is the best way to freshen a place that is cheap. Then add some new draperies. Panels from the big box stores aren’t expensive. I picked up a second hand table set and recovered the chairs for my kitchen. Bought a cheap couch set just three years ago on payments. $28 a month! Now paid. Was finally able to accessorize with throw pillows and some very reasonably priced art! $40 and family photos.
It wasn’t done in a day but I’m very happy with it.
So today was about enjoying how I’m feeling. Physically I’ve had a bit of a reprieve. Today I cooked a big supper and apple pie. And it all actually turned out! My clean kitchen is now a mess but that’s ok. Tomorrow is another day!
To busy for gambling today!
-
-
Another busy day today. Hubby is taking me into the city this morning to do some shopping. Our little tiny community grocery store is quite expensive. It’s time for a big stock up. Just one of the many blessing of not gambling. I don’t have to worry about money for food. It is in the bank where it should be!
Will try and do some posting later as well. But all this self improvement stuff takes time. Not to mention just the time it takes to be a regular human being.
Stay strong in your resolve. It does make a difference. Maybe only a little in the beginning. But it could save your life!
-
Hey Laura
Thank you for a great post .
You are doing normal things because you can afford to do normal things .
I love being to go and buy what I want in the grocery store – and I have to admit we have been eating delicious food !Yes you are right – it doesn’t matter at first whether we are in real recovery or abstinence – what matters is that we have money in the bank to buy the things we need .
Well done Laura – treat yourself to something yummy !
-
Thanks I did it. My GA group used to refer to “stop the bleeding” One of the first things is to plug the holes to stop the bleeding of money. A crack addict would be dead if they tried to inject the amount of money we spend (not to belittle such an addiction). We bleed it all until there is nothing left! Some start gambling at a time in their life where they have savings built up, a home, retirement fund. And if the CG in full blown action doesn’t prevent it by turning over finances, or locking things up so they cant be touched we will tragically bleed every last cent! Now some are not full blown yet and still inflict massive damage. Money is important to live, to provide the necessities of life, and yes some pleasures for sure. But with necessities taken care of we can focus on our own mental health. Once we stop the bleeding and immerse ourselves in recovery the money will usually being to take care of itself.
So i’ve been spending lots of time on the forum. And as a result I have been putting pressure on my physical health. I AM feeling better, but I am still not in great shape. I have a list as long as my arm of paper work to deal with. Insurance forms, medical claims, not to mention household bills that need to be opened and paid. Grateful to be able to say “and paid”. So I’ll be a little quieter next couple of days to settle things down again and take care of personal business. Part of my recovery is taking care of me. So a little self care required. Roots that need covering lol
So time to just jump in and gets some stuff done!
Laura -
-
-
Great post Laura-
Yes sometimes we need a break from posting, especially if it’s getting in the way of other things we need to deal with. I am still at the “i need loads of support ” stage but I know I will taper off this support in time.
Procrastination is one of my major weaknesses so well done in deciding to tackle all that paper work. It’s such a good feeling to get things completedI like that analogy of stopping the bleed and wonder why I haven’t heard it before . Not much point in fixing other stuff if we continue to bleed .
Hope you weekend is going great – sorry I didn’t read your post before messaging you about group . -
-
I was queen of lazy past two days P Did get a few paperwork items off my list. Thank you Vera and I did it for your posts as well!
Finally got the roots covered!
Had a nice afternoon with my whole immediate family and spouses and most of the kids. Older ones are working now and can’t always drop everything for a family get together.
So this is normal life i’m living right now, gratefully enjoying the little things like lower pain levels. It seems to take me forever to get some things done and i guess i’m allowed to have a sit out day or two when i need them.
Trying to hang on for first evening group but bed is calling my name. Not feeling too darn inspirational lol. Actually rather loggy after too much food! I don’t know how the people from UK manage to stay up late enough for them!
Tomorrow is another day and i’m hoping a good night sleep will change my energy level. Especially as this is a rather sad excuse of a post. But I posted. I’ve spent time on my recovery today in a group session. I need to keep aware. The beast merely sleeps.
Laura
-
I like this post- after the craziness of gambling it’s nice to be able to have “normal” days .
The open groups are very late for us at his side of the Atlantic – but they are being reviewed for what seems like months .somwtimes I nod off during them .
Happy to read you are enjoying life and hope your hair looks great. -
More of the everyday!
Pharmacy run as i forgot about the holiday and ran out of some meds over the weekend. Need to get some housework done. My GA buddy and very close friend is coming for a visit this afternoon. Seems like everything needs to be done around here all at once and then I start to get overwhelmed. I used to carry the weight of my family on my shoulders but feel like I can barely lift a pebble these days. Baby steps! Sometimes that’s all I can do. Gambling/recovery have been a part of my life for 13 years now paired with chronic pain for close to 20. Disability for quite a spell too. I interchange some of the coping strategies. Many are the same. Self care, walking is so important. Also so many of us don’t get enough vitamin D especially in the winter. Magnesium deficiency is also quite common. Anything to improve how one feels. Because without gambling stimulating our reward center we feel like heck. So on that note, I’ve ordered my meds, need to get breakfast into me to take what I have, and then have to find someone to either taxi me around or do some errands! Have a gamble free day!
-
hi laura, i am currently at work but just wanted to stop by, i have read through some of your posts and i know it’s tough going 6 years and then slipping, feeling like you have lost a grasp over 6 years that you worked hard for but reading beyond that, it looks like you have come back stronger and more connected and determined to have that life without gambling back. that’s the most important thing is that desire to keep moving forwards and forgiving ourselves when we slip up.
you are doing great, invest in yourself, you are worth it tc -
Thanks so much 3raser, very lovely of you to post. Food for thought. It is the not coming clean that bothers me. But I need to make a decision and move on. Not keep dwelling on it. In one way or another my husband would make me pay for it. So it’s my choice to keep it hidden. Then that makes me feel awful because what does that say about our relationship? Ack!
I was going to try and post a little more this evening, so many others to touch base with here. But balance! Back is sore and I have done my limit for today. Praying for all of our success.
Laura -
Hey everyone! busy days, ticking things off my to do list. Medical forms filled out and mailed to surgeon, bank paperwork completed that will save us some money. Quick note to say not gambling today. Although the other day I was walking or hobbling along the wooded path near our home and came across a very cross chipmunk chattering at me. Put me in mind of a game I used to play! And boy the urges came! How nutty is that?
But I have no access to gambling so they moved off within a few hours. I think that is what barriers are about. They help dampen down the urges. Where as if you are relying on will power alone they have greater possibility of spiraling out of control.Hubby is looking for the computer so that’s it for now. Hope I’l be back for the 10pm London time group.
ODAAT
Laura -
Hi Laura , I know exactly what you mean – for most people a beautiful sunset is so uplifting – for me it reminds me of a slot machine- same goes for castles , cars , pyramids and don’t even mention fruit .
It’s amazing how deeply we have been hypnotised by these machines – but we are aware now and we have barriers to stop us –
A great post Laura -
Add bars and Sevens to the memories….If I saw three 7s on a car reg. on a journey, I would swing the car in the direction of a casino.
Today, when I discovered a bit of extra money in my bank account, first thought was “I could have that for a ‘day out’!”
We just have to learn how to deal with these thoughts in a different way. We have no control over our thoughts but they will only lead to actions if we brood over them. -
One day is just sliding into the next. But I’m keeping busy! I know what it’s like to not be able to do anything so when i can move I do. No group for me tonight. Have to go get ready to go out. Just for a few hours visiting with friends. I”m pretty sleepy so would love to skip, but sometimes it’s necessary to push myself not to isolate. I hope you are all spending the evening without a bet. Stay strong. Laura
-
-
Hi Laura. Thanks for your posts and for checking in on me. I am keeping busy and out of trouble. I’ve had a few urges but worked through them. Good to hear you are going out with friends. I had a nice lunch the other day with a friend. I have to push myself also as to not isolate. Hope you have a great night. Take care.
-
??
Hi Laura
You’ve posted some great things to lots of people these last few weeks.
I havn’t quite got the balance right yet between posting and not, its a work in progress!
-
So true Geordie,I truly could use full time hours to spend posting here!
Thanks Vera and Liz, I enjoyed my night out Saturday night. Good to laugh and be with friends. I was tucked in by 11 but had a tossy turny night. Up late this morning so not much time for posting. Spent some time house cleaning. It seems it’s never ending with a family that is home a lot and constantly eating! My husband is a great cook and believes in sitting around the supper table together. It is something we’ve done every night since we’ve been married and then had a family.
No urges right now. But I don’t go anywhere alone and my family wouldn’t take me gambling. Not that I’d ever ask!
If I was giving advice or commenting to someone else I would tell them to make sure they don’t have access to cash before that changes. I would also recommend that they come clean to their partner. Right now there is a door open. I need to really think about that.
I actually have been able to look at making a couple of large purchases. A relatively new vehicle and a piece of property for my retirement. No decisions made yet, but they are options that I can actually consider again. Gambling will take away those things.
Food for my thought.
L -
Not much has changed since my last post. Picked up a good deal on some second hand furniture at a neighbour’s moving sale. It was good to have a little money saved. One of the benefits of no gambling.
Lots of friction on the site. Makes the mediator in me come out. I’ve always been a peacemaker when others are upset or not getting along. It’s my nature to want everyone to see the best in each other and their potential. When you’ve been around this place on and off for a decade you see all manners of people with varying levels of addiction. I’ve seen those I never thought would fall do just that. And those that I never thought would get their foothold in recovery who have shone. Everybody deserves to be treated the same. Sometimes people are not in a place to receive the messages and suggestions of recovery and will have to go back out there one more time or many more times. We cannot save each other by sheer will. Each will have to put a great deal into their own recovery. I pray I remain open to the messages and suggestions of recovery.
Laura -
-
Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.
Liz, Geordie and I were discussing the loss of loved ones the other day. And how missing them can cause urges.
And Vera, mentioned on IDI’s thread about voids in our lives or in ourselves and i talked about using gambling to fill them.
I’ve had two light bulb moments in the past few days. Now my memory isn’t perfect, but I’ve back tracked the dates and it lines up. In January of 2015 a best friend of decades was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. They could only offer her time with treatment. I believe I started gambling in March of 2015 at the same time as she began chemotherapy. I watched a funny vibrant woman fade into a shell of herself subject to what I equate with medical torture. She was so sick and pumped full of drugs it was a nightmare to watch her suffer. She passed in December of that year, a couple weeks before Christmas. In February my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The only blessings were that he was to weak for chemo and he only suffered for three months. We buried him in May of 2016. As much as it broke my heart it killed me just as much to watch my mum lose her partner of a half century.
So now I said I had two aha moments. The other. Well a few years before I lost my best friend to illness, I felt a void in a different way. One other than that left behind by the loss of loved ones.
My sister remarried and no longer spent hours with me every week. We used to spend hours together on weekends doing things with our kids or even just visiting. On the phone with each other at least a couple times a week. My very best friend. She just has different priorities now and I understand that. Kids are older and she’s the taxi driver, spends time with husband in the evenings etc. But it still left a big void.
At the same time my physical health was declining due to various medical issues. I wasn’t able to do a lot of activities. And after sitting at a computer at work all day I couldn’t do it at home too. I couldn’t travel much or spend time doing things like photography. This was also a loss and another void to be filled.
My gambling was sporadic but I think I knew as I was doing it that I was trying to relieve something. But now I see it wasn’t just losses I was trying to relieve it was also voids I was trying to fill.
I just can’t believe I didn’t see it, or I didn’t retain those reasons. It’s so hard to see things when your emotions are tied up in them I guess.
So that being said, I had a rare morning spent with my sister shopping. Got a good start on Christmas. Thank God I am still medically restricted from driving! No gambling. Need to work on putting that mental ban back in place. If I was gambling right now Christmas wouldn’t be a given as the gift money might end up in a slot machine. Never want to go back to October 28, 2009. The day my last cent of credit never mind actual money went into the slot machine. I think I spent the next two weeks thinking of all kinds of crazy schemes to make a lot of money. Some of them illegal.
I guess for me that was where I drew a line. I’ll consider myself lucky in that instance. If I would have been more nimble who knows.
Onward and upward!
ODAAT
Laura -
Hi Laura ,
I agree with what you say about voids – and it occurs to me that that void can be caused by something we never even had – like a relationship that fails to meet our needs creating a void of support .You have had so much trauma – it’s little wonder you needed to escape – it’s so good that you are now in a place where you afford things – that piece of land would be some achievement.
I am grateful for your many posts to me – always encouraging and never judgemental. I go through phases with posting and am kinda having a dry spell right now .
It is nice to spend time with family – no one quite gets us like our own.
You post gives hope to all those struggling with this addiction . -
Hi there Laura and everyone. Laura, your comments about voids and gambling make sense so much. When I started gambling 18 years ago I was desperately lonely, and as I looked around the casino I saw many similar woman to myself, slightly over weight 40/50 + year old woman, zoned out on the pokies. At least on the pokies the feelings of loneliness and failure were replaced by pleasant sounds and excitement. For me this sometimes last for 12 hours at one sitting. So voids are a similar thread indeed. It’s a terrible thing to watch those you love become ill, fade and die. The cost of loving someone is often grief but as we both know filling a void with gambling is distructive. There are healthier and more meaningful ways of filling these voids in our life. Thanks for your thoughts and thread which I find interesting to read Laura.
-
Thanks for your post Tina. I need to work on filling voids in as healthy a way possible.
I’ve been spending too much time sitting these days. GT is a healthy way of dealing with my addiction but not if I start putting everyone else’s recovery before my own recovery.
I have to balance my physical situation with gambling addiction recovery. And what is or isn’t working for someone else may not fit my specific situation. I know what worked for me. I know what I need to do to protect myself from the next bet as much as possible.
I remember there were times where I wanted to be able to gamble like a normal person. I didn’t want to stop. And any advice that suggested drastic steps that may interfere with that was not well received! After all I wasn’t as bad as most of the people here!
All I had to do was give it a little more time and I proved to myself that wasn’t true.
Today I will fill my recovery with positivity!
Laura -
-
??
You’ve written some brilliant posts lately Laura. And off the back of one of them I’ve started to get a bit more balance in my life. I’m just in from work and heading off on a trip to see my partner. I think we’ve resolved the big issue we had between us now, I’m sure we’ll both know for definite after the next couple of days.
I think all Cg’s are as bad as each other. I don’t think I was any worse than anybody else. That’s the whole point I try to make to people. I crossed line after line after line. That dosn’t mean my addiction was different to yours for example.
I hope you don’t mind me bringing up your situation a couple of months ago. Without going into details you crossed a line that you had never crossed before. The difference between you and I is that you had the foresight to see where that could lead to and you took immediate and necessary action to get yourself back into recovery.
I was an immature teenager when I first done a similar thing, my sense of right and wrong was already being eroded by my gambling, I neither had the foresight or fortitude to look past winning the money back to repay.
I do believe that this addiction is capable of corrupting us all with its venomous mesmerising hypnotic spell. It just needs to catch us at the right minute.
I was referred to at my last court case as a pathological gambler and although I refer to myself as a CG the acts I committed to get gambling funds certainly demonstrated pathological tendencies to a tee.
I believe any CG whether they see themselves as an escape or action gambler could so easily cross this line.
Although we re all unique people with different reasons for first gambling, and then ending up as addicts, I think the core elements of recovery are the same for all of us.
I tried and tried for years to stop. The problem for me was I never wholeheartedly believed I could. It wasn’t a case of I wasn’t trying hard enough. Like lots of people currently posting on my journal I couldn’t have tried any harder. The problem was, I think, that I was barking up the wrong tree. I was trying the wrong tactics.
I suppose I am lucky in the respect that before I entered into real counselling which included a lot of regression and looking at my former self , I was able to get properly prepared. I learned how to be honest and I learned how to strip away all the layers that had covered up the real me over the years. Even though I have gambled many times since leaving GH, and nearly ending up in prison again, eventually I started using all I had learned there.
Gambling dosn’t tempt me in the slightest now Laura. Not today. And that is a wonderful feeling. I feel clean, and I feel like a real member of society. I used to feel that I was either insane, evil, and I always felt like an emotional monster..as if I had no emotions..and this is how I behaved.
I do realise that people wont change until they are really ready, and I know nobody was ever able to force me into recovery. I don’t really think I can force anybody into it either, sometimes I do unwittingly try to do so.
Sorry for wandering, (not like me)!
I’ve been meaning to post to you for ages. You’ve given me, as well as others, some brilliant support recently and I just wanted to say thanks before I go away for a couple of days.
Nobody is beyond support whether we’re doing well or not so good.
Thanks again.
Geordie.
-
I hear you Laura!
We do need balance in our lives.
I agree that we need to protect ourselves from the next bet. We also need to shield ourselves from the fallout of the last thousands of bets.
Every year I bought lavish Christmas presents for everyone. Even when I was losing heavily. …especially when I was losing, I think. I would borrow more and SPLASH out to prove to myself that everything was fine.
I know now that I gambled, precisely because things weren’t one bit fine. I was fooling myself and others .
This year I’m drawing a line with presents. Partly because I don’t feel well enough to enter the crowded shops and partake in the frenzied hustle and bustle that I thought I loved. It’s like gambling. Frenzied buying has lost it’s appeal
The buzz has gone out of both.
No thrill=no hangover!!! -
-
Just a quick pop on to say today was a busy day full of those little things in life like car troubles, running late to appointments and playing catch up. Will have more time to post later. Thanks Vera for your post. will respond later/tomorrow. IDI, thankyou for letting me know you are around. Hope to bump in to you over the weekend. Going to go veg in front of tv for a while!
Laura -
So tired this morning. Procrastinating and doing a little posting and reading.
Off to do some banking and I’ve been gathering all the required paperwork. I’m nerved up, like I used to be when on my last cent and debt ready to topple over on me. But that’s not the situation this time round thanks to not gambling. I can tell them to stuff if i want as i don’t need it. The money is for a want! not a need! Before I needed it because I had put my money for all necessities in a slot machine.
So time to finish getting organized! Also, evening out tonight so won’t be around groups. Yawn, I hope i have time for an afternoon nap!
Laura
-
-
Good luck with your banking business, Laura.
It’s great to know you don’t HAVE to have the money.
I know that “nerved up” feeling very well. I still get it at the checkout sometimes, wondering will I have enough in my account to pay for groceries, but it’s a different feeling then acting like a fake.
I think that’s what got me in the end.
Having to live a fake life.
Fooling everyone including myself.
In the end the banks refused to lend me money. I had used my husband’s and sons credit union shares plus my own of course to borrow. I recall strolling through the doors nonchalantly, asking “Is the loan approved”. Nobody knew that my sanity was hanging on the answer . Such stress !
Then when I was maxed out on licit loans, I used the high interest “no questions asked” companies . For what? Christmas presents I would tell myself, but time and time again my money was passed on to fatcats for their Christmas gifts and two weeks before Christmas, I would be grovelling again looking for another loan.
What a fake life!
Not today, Laura. Thank God!
Not this Christmas!
Thanks for reminding me of the difference between now and then. -
Home from an evening out with family. Banking appointment went fine but snafu with the paperwork, computers, great when the work not so great when they take a break! So we took a lot longer due to waiting for the banks system to come back on line. I’m now exhausted.
So happy to hear you are starting counseling Liz! You are worth it. I hope you find a good match. Will pop by your thread tomorrow for a read.
You are right Vera. I was exactly the same. Living lies. Holding up a house of cards that was going to come crashing down sooner or later. Thanks for sharing too. Reminded me of the fakeness of it all.
I really did spend some quality time with my sisters and mother tonight. I treasure those moments. I am blessed to have siblings that would do anything for me and a mother that would move heaven and earth. Same as I for them. Since the loss of my dad I appreciate them even more. And they are the same which is a blessing. Not all families are a joy! I no longer have any secrets from them. I used to hide from them because I didn’t want them to know what was going on with my life. Now I am a take it or leave person with them. This is me.
night,
Laura -
Hi Laura, I closed my thread! I’m going to be a observer here for awhile. I want to read and post on the threads. I will start a new thread down the road when I have some more counseling under my belt. I wish I felt close to my Mom and Sister. That’s one of my issues. Treasure every minute with them!!!
-
hey Liz, whatever you feel you need. Don’t be a stranger. Stop by to let me know how you are doing. I regret that I “disappeared” from GT when I did. I guess it was something I had to go through. Of course if we are busy with real life that can be a good thing too. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself. Take care, Laura
-
Hi Laura,
Wonderful that you had such a good time with your family, and you are so right, this is not many peoples experience. Sometimes the family and the geneology provides us with life’s biggest challenges. For me, it is a fragmented family where one side doesn’t even know the other and have never met. Like you, I am just going to be honest about who and where I am but also being sensitive that parts of my family ie my elderly mother can’t deal with the truth. However, your thread is about you, and I am just pleased that you are able to enjoy time with your nearest and dearest. -
Hi Laura , I wrote to you four times today and none would post !
So if you get five similar posts I haven’t gone crazy !
I loved what you wrote about the loans you “need” and the loans you “want”
It is such a great reminder of how good things can be in recovery .
I am struggling somewhat at the moment but am so appreciative of your support. It is so easy to kick someone when they are down , so easy to get frustrated because it should be easy – such a simple thing to not gamble . I don’t find it easy – I find it a struggle – I find life is conveyor belt of hope and hopelessness , of optimism and disappointment , of feeling empowered and feeling disempowered.
At times I really hate myself and I cannot tell you how much is helps me to open GT and find kind words and support . Thank you .It is also really helpful to hear about your journey – I wonder how long it will be before I am credit worthy enough to get a loan – possible never .
Laura keep doing everything you are doing . Keep up those close family ties and mostly be kind to yourself . I am so glad you are back at GT- you are such a source of hope and inspiration for many of us . -
Laura you talked about the dance between the darkness and the light. I loved this analogy as it relates so well to the dance between hope and hopelessness that idi speaks of. Some of this is seasonal. In the bleakness of winter it seems as though the darkness ascends to be released again in the spring when new Life and real hope returns. Personally can’t wait that long but I do recognise the dance you speak of!
-
thanks for your posts IDI and Monica. I can understand the hating oneself at times IDI. I am hard on myself. Catch myself being mean to myself. We don’t deserve it! Monica, you are having a particularly difficult “recovery” for your first steps from a particularly hard bottom. Some day you will look back and say I made it back from that, how strong and inspiring am I.
So I’m going to take a break for a while, just this afternoon. I’m not moving enough. I’m not doing things for me I need to. I have parcels to get off for Christmas and I haven’t been keeping up with my paperwork. Medical claim to file. I need the support of the site but I also need to get money back to live on.
A trigger for me has been tight finances. Because I think I can win enough to take the pressure off. It never works out that way. Any temporary relief (which is rare) is eaten up and so much more by the long term harm. No gambling for me today. My biggest barrier (not being able to drive to a venue) is still in place and will be for quite some time to come.Please have a good day all!
Laura -
-
-
Thanks IDI, I do miss driving. I’m always on someone else’s schedule or time table when it comes to getting out. But on the other hand i’m not gambling. I want to think I’m not just abstaining. But i guess time will tell.
I went for a nap after supper last night and didn’t get back up! Watched a little tv middle of the night but for the most part slept. Just rubbing the sleep out of my eyes now.
coffee and do some catching up
Laura
-
omg IDI, see, I needed coffee!
new thread right now is up to you. It depends whether you feel like you can use it as your own thread where you will be supported or respectfully challenged for your own growth. I understand if you need to take a breath. Do what feels right for you and to heck with the rest of it.
Laura
-
I’m totally procrastinating. Got a couple things done but not the ones top of mind. Then my anxiety starts. I have to stop letting little things bother me. Like if I don’t soon return an online shopping purchase it’s going to turn into a bigger task to return it for a full refund. So i’m kicking my own backside to get moving. And deal with the stupid task. I’m also trying to figure out a way to apologize to someone who I feel I hurt inadvertently and unintentionally. Onward and upward.
Laura -
-
Thanks for your post Laura
Yes , having a sound core group is essential for the success of GA. A women’s group started up last winter. It fell through after about two months due to a weak core among other things.
Regular turn over of new members is important too.
I hope you get to drop in to your group sometime. I’m sure they would love to see you.
Do you think it would have prevented your relapse if you had been still attending meetings? -
We were writing at same time –
I think just say what you wrote on here .
“I have been trying to figure out how to say sorry because I mistakenly hurt you ” and do it right now !
We are human – we make mistakes – and I think we all forgive easily when we receive a prompt , sincere apology !
You have probably seen from my thread that I am expert in relationships haha -
I definitely think it would have improved my chances Vera. And once able to I intend on going back.
You are the person I feel I have probably hurt. In my support of someone’s feelings I think I tromped on yours. I am sorry and it was unintentional! I think you do your best to share your experience with the intent of it helping others.
Thanks for the good advice IDI.
I’ve always been the tip toer in my relationships! Friendships included.
Laura
-
-
No, Laura. You certainly didn’t hurt me in any way.
I don’t think you have a malicious bone in your body. I hold you in high esteem.
I have come to a stage in Life, Laura where nobody has the power to hurt me. In the same way, nobody has the power to inflate my feelings.
I don’t rely on feelings alone. I resort to sound judgement and will before I act/react..
There is far more to each of us than what is portrayed here in an online forum.
I make allowances for the shortcomings of others.Nobody can read beyond the written word to judge the mood/ environment/circumstances of the writer. It is very easy to hide behind a laptop.
I have far bigger fish to fry these days rather than reacting in a knee jerk fashion!
No hard feelings at all, Laura. -
-
awww thanks IDI ! I hope you had a good day. I have been walking a little bit. Small walks through the woods with my old dog. We are a good pair. The pain has stayed manageable since the mass shrunk slighty, but has also changed shape which is applying less pressure to the nerves in my spine. I sent a very pointed prayer to God on my walk yesterday. Asking for help for someone who is suffering more than most. When I came home a large flock of golden finches (a bird I consider my sign) were waiting for me in the tree at the end of the driveway. They flew into my back yard as i turned in. Beautiful and singing. I am taking it as a sign. I have faith. I can only hope it’s what we think we want!
Laura -
Laura, I am sure the golden finches were a sign my friend, you know walking is good and you never know whos listening!
Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread and also for your kind words, you have a kind heart and I wish you well I also wish the person suffering more than most all my very best, take care Laura and all my very best.
Maverick
-
Oh I do love a good sign!!!!!
Makes all the hairs on my arms stand up!
I’m happy to read you are walking a bit, and that life has become a little easier for you. How much should one person bear??? Hopefully it is onward and upward for you my dear friend.
My mum moved into high level care today, out of the dementia wing. She will never walk. Even though I worked In Aged care for years, I am still totally shocked at the rapid decline of my beautiful Mum. I don’t quite know how to feel about it all. I’m in total self preservation mode at the moment and not thinking about it. It’s all I can do to ensure I don’t foetal position on the floor and never get up.
In saying that, one of the girls I work withs mother has motor neurone disease. She’s only in her late 50’s. She could go any day. What a cruel disease it is, and my work friend is one of the most beautiful kind people I know. When I think of her, I ***** my blessings. Mums not in pain, she doesn’t really know what’s happening (she would be horrified if she did) and she still tells me she loves me every time I go and see her.
I am in a lot of ways a very blessed girl!
Anyway, that was a bit doom and gloom!!!!
I hope you have a wonderful day, you are one of my blessings too. Love K xxxx -
-
-
Thanks Mav and Kathryn. I only ever had a sign once before in my life. I will only believe it is a good sign. I think you’re right Mav, you never know who’s listening and nature puts me in mind of our creator. So good to get a note off of you Kathryn, it has been ages I think! Keep counting the blessings. Mom just went through this process with her mother. It’s so sad. Hold on to the good memories Kathryn. You’ve been a good daughter through out your moms dementia. Your kids still know their gran and see how an elder should be treated. Life doesn’t always seem fair when assigning physical hurtles for people to deal with. So keep living life large while you can for as long as you can. Your last trip was inspirational! So great that you put that ban back in place. Keep going ?? ~ L
-
-
Going shopping for a while this morning. Getting a few more things finished for Christmas. I will be alone for an hour or more. I could have set it up to gamble. But why would I?
I’d much rather have a stress free Christmas! My bills paid and presents under the tree. I don’t go crazy. Never did. Even pre gambling. Maybe that’s why my eldest always says turkey dinner is what makes his Christmas, not the gifts.
We will all be together again this year, sitting around the same table and getting along really. We aren’t perfect, far from it, but I will give thanks for my many blessings.
Now I’d better go get ready. I’m being dropped off at the shopping location that DOES NOT have a gambling venue. I’m not wasting this precious day.
Laura
-
Hi Laura, so nice to to see that you able to enjoy the build up to Christmas by enjoying the simple things that so many people take for granted.
as a CG it is usually a time of dread of trying to cope and wishing the event wasn’t happening because of the added stress. Just to be able to put something under the tree shows the true value of recovery. Precious moments, appreciative heart are the some of the rewards we reap during recovery.
i hope your day has been a really nice one -
-
Hope you got heaps of bargains and finished your shopping off!!!
I’m done. Thankfully.
I get stressed every year. Of course, when I was gambling my stress was about a million times higher. I guess it’s kind of a good stress now, if there is such a thing lol.
Obviously your back is feeling much better to be able to go for a little shop, and I’m soooo happy for you. It’s the little things that are really the best.
Tomorrow I’m going to decorate mums new room in the high care wing. Then my family Christmas party tomorrow night, I’m really looking forward to that. Sunday will be lazy. I only have 7 more days of work then we close for the holidays…Dames and I are going camping for a week! There’s others coming too so it should be a whole lotta fun!!!
Lots to look forward to!
Love K xxx -
When we got to the city i was offered the car to use. I’m feeling well enough sometimes to drive short distances now. I took the car and headed for my first shopping stop. The thought popped into my head that I could go the gambling venue now if I wanted. I didn’t want. I didn’t feel up to sitting on a stool losing my Christmas money and coming back here to let my GT friends know. I feel accountable to this little group right now. I am cultivating this feeling. I need support in recovery.
I am feeling a lot better pain wise Kathryn. But I still have a lot of pain. It just isn’t totally debilitating now. I have to be very careful but can at least make myself comfortable for the most part. For six months I did literally nothing but agonize. But I am so grateful that I am no longer like that!
I’m sure your mom’s room will be lovely! And your camping trips look like so much fun! Nice to be looking forward to summer instead of winter!
Thanks so much for your posts 3racer and I did it! I had a nice couple hours of shopping. Picked up a few thoughtful little gifts for one of my sisters and a sister in law. Shopped for a few of the goodies, chocolate mints, turtles, Christmas nuts. I’m hoping to do a little decorating over the weekend. Again not a big splash but a few of my little ornaments and decorations out. I am grateful to be able to do it. Between gambling and a bad back it’s been a bit of a hit and miss over the years.
So i have husbands business taxes to get done before they post debt on his account. He doesn’t owe, but I haven’t been able to do them. So that is another thing to get off my plate today. At least the part that will stop them from posting false debts.
Have a good gamble free day
Laura
-
Hi there…
Well i loved the sound of those little bits and pieces you got for christmas. Glad you didnt stop to gamble, ugh the thought of you stopping in there and not getting the things you did. The difference in how you would have returned home.
You returned home with things for christmas, a whole lot better than returning home broke, full of regret and plans to chase the money back.. happy for you Laura, hope to see you in chat soonp
-
-
I deal with anxiety. Even with close friends I can get anxious. Which is strange because I can strike up a conversation with a stranger and it not bother me. I have a fear of not being liked or accepted. I have self esteem issues. I have worked on those on and off my whole life. I’m also extremely sensitive and intuitive I believe. Then other times I feel as dense as a rock. There are days I open GT and I don’t no what to say to anyone. I don’t want to offend, don’t want to jump to wrong conclusions, or have things come out totally backwards. I’ve read posts from a day or two earlier and thought what the heck was I saying there?? I guess what I’m saying is if something I say offends, please let me know. That is never my intent! Laura
-
Just to say ,aura, along with idi, you are one of the most insightful and yes, intuitive, posters on this site. And you provide a lot of support. Your posts are considered and I do think k I have ever read an offensive post from you to anyone. So get that thought out of your head. I value your wise counsel. And that comes from another sensitive intuitive… who can also sometimes be as dense as a rock. We are only human after all. great tune… sometimes I dont like being human, there must be more advanced species in the universe I could have been born into. Sometimes I don’t like being human at all, not one bit. The only redeeming feature is our capacity to love and the love we have inside of us. That’s it. Thanks for your post on my thread again and the chat last night.
-
Thanks so much Monica. Very kind post. So true about humans. I’d like to come back as my dog lol. She has it pretty much made. Although would complain we didn’t exercise enough. She is now 85 in people years and we are both happy to stay inside on a cold winter’s day.
I was out this evening for an hour. Back was too sore to stay. I get depressed and frustrated that it keeps me from doing every day things. It hurts to move too much sometimes so then I turn into a lump. There are support groups for people that suffer with life long pain and back problems websites with forums etc. But really, how many forums does a girl need? Especially with a bad back. I need one of those back to the future reclining computer console and chair combos. I try and be grateful but feel my life is wasted in a lot of ways. I am stuck waiting. I think I will take my tablet to bed and do some reading to catch up on others threads. Too much pouting going on over here! Laura
-
You and I have that in common. Part of my descent into gambling amongst about 10 other reasons was chronic pain so I know what that feels like with bilateral frozen shoulders post surgery. Took 2 to 3 years for the pain to subside and nothing helped at the time. I also had spinal shingles in 2003 which was exceptionally painful so know full well how both chronic and acute pain can really get us down. You are not wasting your life at all LAura. This site is all the better for you and when we come here we are in quite desperate straits so a helpful word which is insightful and supportive makes a big difference. Have you tried a tens machine? I guess that is the first port of call for back pain. Even though I s, very frustrated at my situation, another part says it’s ok to rest, it’s ok to do very little sometimes, particularly when we have been very active in Life previously. Hope you have a good nights sleep.
-
Laura, Thank you for posting on my thread. Both you and Monica have given me a lot of great advice. I am implementing changes. Right now things look bleak but with both of your support, I feel more hopeful! You are amazing, with your own health problems, you’ve taken the time to support me. I truly appreciate it! Take care and have a great day!
-
I have just seen this post now Monica. Thanks for sharing some of your story with me. We have a lot in common. My partner didn’t end the relationship when I’ve had many health issues but he is only supportive when and if he feels like it, which isn’t often. He’s very much into himself and his way of life. In a lot of ways it suits me to stay married but at other times I feel he causes me more problems then help. Anyway, for a group some time. I’ve tried many things for my back. Tens included. I’d just like a new one. And you are right, it is ok to rest. Thanks so much for your post xo
-
thankyou for posting Liz! I did have a good day although I had to push my self a little to get a couple things completed that just wouldn’t wait. I was sore from traveling. I’m waiting to see if anyone lands in group in the next few minutes and if not I’m going for a nap! Stay hopeful Liz. You can take the steps that you need! It is never to late to change things! Laura
-
Listening to the radio, the odd Christmas carol on. Taking a break. I did some cleaning today and the tree is up. Not decorating until tomorrow as I need to rest for a couple of parties tonight. I won’t manage to make it out long but I want to go. I won’t be around for 10pm chat tonight and the midnight one is always at a bad time for me (London time) so rarely can make that one. Hopefully there will be no more interruptions now that we swapped out our modem. I was disconnected this morning. Grrr so frustrating. I was in middle of a post to Geordie as well. It will have to wait I’m afraid. I don’t have time to even read this afternoon. Take care everyone. I know times can be really tough. Especially this close to Christmas. Hang in there please. Life isn’t perfect when we stop gambling, but we can face things and stop making them worse. And then hopefully things can slowly move forward. No CG improved their life by gambling. We can put life’s lessons to good use however. Stay safe please. Laura
-
-
You are never offensive Laura – you are only kind , supportive and helpful. I too have those self doubts but as I have gotten older I find I don’t care as much about what people think!
You do have great insight (as Monica says below ) and sometimes when I read your posts I am blown away by the angle you see things from.
I once did an online course called mood gym. It was free and by the Australian health service – it made me see the world completely differently.- for example – if someone gives me a dirty look I will now instead of thinking “omg, what did I do?” -I will think I must catch up with them later – looks like they are having a bad day ! I would highly recommend this course although now I have to pay for it . It kinda changed how I perceive things !Stay strong Laura – the pain and the lack of mobility probably are giving you time to over think things – you are a super person and a great support to everyone one here!
-
-
Just sending you a little cheer from across the water.
I miss chat, my computer is still not fixed (I’m lazy as hell) and and it difficult on my Phone .
When I went o. My trip everyone told me the coffee was terrible over there. Well, I loved the coffee from the pot! Delish !!!!!
I’m saving again, so you never know, a couple of years and we might just get there!!!!
Love ya girl, k xxxx -
Thanks for the note Kathryn! I can’t do chat on my phone either. And reading and posting is terrible on the small screen so you get a pat on the back for texting this basically! I’m getting a new tablet for Christmas so I’m hoping that means more chat and posting. Canada is beautiful too with it’s own huge list of must sees. Bigger than the USA though so if you want to see a lot of it you need some time. Keep saving and dreaming!
-
-
Hi I did it,
pain is much more manageable at the moment. Hoping it stays that way. I still have a lot of issues but every second isn’t agony. I’m pretty much ready for Christmas. Husband and I are taking a quick last minute trip for a few things early tomorrow and I will be done shopping. I’ve got half my wrapping done. I never seem to quite manage every thing though. There are Christmas cards not written this year, and even the family may not get any! What does it matter really? They will understand. There are so many people dealing with challenges in this world. I’ve got all kinds of chocolates and treats and the inside of the house is decorated. I treated myself to a beautiful poinsettia planting with three different colours. When I’m not gambling or digging out of financial chaos I treat myself. I try not to blow out the budget but at the same time I could spend thousands before without the bat of an eye. So what is a $20 plant that gives me pleasure to look at? I’m taking my pleasure where I can get it. I try not to see what others have that I don’t ( a working body that enables them to take care of themselves totally). I can’t go out socializing all hours, hanging with friends or traveling. A girlfriend and I were to go stay at a resort together this winter. That has been called off, I couldn’t handle the length of the flight. Anyway, i think i’m rambling! Thanks for the check in IDI. This will be one of my more Christmassy Christmases ?? I think I’ll be at 10pm chat but I am usually a little late as we are just finishing supper here. Catch you soon hopefully.
Laura -
Hi Laura ,
It sounds like you have your priorities right – do you remember the days when you wouldn’t spend ￡20 on a plant for yourself or am I the only person who thinks like that ?.
I feel good today because I was able to do a little for those less fortunate – it is so true – it is in giving that we receive . I also feel devastated and on the verge of tears because I missed something- someone I could and should have helped – I still might be able to but I am confined by boundaries and rules . At least if I can I will be in a position to help this year – as money isn’t so tight , thanks to the progress I have made with my gambling addiction .
I hope you operation is brogubt forwArd Laura – it is a shame to miss out on somany things – and yet you are always upbeat and positive – you make the most of life – even when pain limits your ability to do things . You also are very supportive to just about everyone on here and I really appreciate your friendship and support.Your home sounds lovely – I hope those good neighbours call to see it !!
Hopefully I will catch you tonight in chat ! -
Haha I did it! Of course my neighbours are away for the Christmas holidays. Ah well. I’ve been in and out like a jack in a box all day. Went shopping early this morning then home to clean a bit and sort receipts and Christmas loot. Then back out with husband chaffeuring to pick up a couple last minute gift certificates, some Bailey’s Irish Cream, prescriptions and a quick pop in to the local market for something easy to cook for supper.
I hope you get everything done you wanted to last night. I used to be horrible when gambling. I’d penny pinch on everything from the meat for supper to buying a new pair of under wear! hahaha And then turn around and blow the same amount in 30 seconds and keep going for hours. Crazy!
You will do what you can IDI for that person/situation, I know you will if opportunity presents. And do a little something nice for your self. Reward yourself for all your progress this year. xo
Laura
-
-
Hi Laura ,
Thank you for your lovely supportive post on my thread .
I hadn’t thought of doing somethjng for myself to be honest. (Maybe I will squeeze in a hair appointment ).
But it is so nice that you have recognised my progress – it is discouraging when people only see progress as a number of days .I too remember the having a totally confused concept of money . I have a rule now that if I lapse , I must treat myself to something – not as a reward , but as a reminder of how my life can be without gambling.
I remember gambling and then going to Lidl (cheap supermarket) and buying loads of cheap meats and fruit to tide me over til payday – in truth we probably ate better then than now when I can afford treats .
Life sounds good for you Laura and you certainly deserve a Good life ! -
Thanks for your post Velvet. I hope your holidays are Merry as well ??
Such a lovely post IDI. Thank you for your support and posts! It’s good to get feedback.
I just finished colouring my hair. Feel better when it is a job done. A few months back i didn’t care what it looked like I was in so much pain. Just not being like that still is a huge relief!
I’m feeling good about not gambling. I haven’t had much opportunity but the rare time I did I have stayed away. It’s hard to witness others going through the tragedy this addiction/illness can bring. It brings back a lot of the bad memories. It reminds me that the picture is better going forward not back.
I’ve never been extravagant at Christmas, and kept the budget down this year. Lots of necessities like socks, undies, pajamas, jeans, coat. I’m helping my oldest son get through college which means he has tuition and bills to keep a vehicle on the road. My income has gone down while I”m not working but the basics are covered and I’m so thankful. Not everyone is so lucky. I’m hoping time changes everyone here’s story, for the better.
I hope everyone can find some joy in the season. And if not possible may it go fast for you.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Laura
-
Happy Christmas, Laura and thanks for posting to my thread.
I was just running out the door as your post arrived and I’m only getting round to answering now.
I drove an hour (all back roads, twisty and with potholes) to a GA Meeting. Two men and me! It was a good meeting though and I was glad I went. I used to travel that road in my sleep to gamble. The casinos I frequented are just a few miles away, in the next town to where the meeting is held.
On my way I came across a crash. The car was blocking a main junction and there was a lady sitting behind the wheel (not young) and the driver’s door was open. Lots of car parts scattered around the road. She must have spun round and hit the ditch. There were several cars stopped and a few men in attendance. My first thought was “Maybe she was going to the casino”!
As soon as I got home I started baking and cooking. Hubby had a face on him that would stop a clock. His idea is that the night is for sleeping and the mornings are for getting up and working. Like gambling, he never “got it” that I don’t function in the same time zone as him. I made a batch of pastry Cooked a salmon and broccoli quiche and a cheese/onion/tomato quiche and a few dozen sausage rolls then I made a large chicken and veg curry. I like to have as much as possible prepared in advance We always have mushroom vol au vents, sausage rolls and mince pies on Christmas Eve but my son and his fiancee could come tomorrow so I need to be a step ahead. I’m not as “speedy” with the cooking as I used to be. I will make a sherry trifle and a choc yule log tomorrow. The puddings are all made The cake is iced so it will be just the turkey and ham to prepare and cook on the Big Day. I just don’t have the energy any more.
I smiled when I read about your presents -same as mine! Plus a few scarves and hats ( which are a ridiculous price) I cut the present list in half this year. All practical items. My youngest son’s presents from last year are still here , unopened. I’m hoping he will come home but if he doesn’t I won’t allow it to affect my Christmas. I have let go of lots of my expectations over the years. I still have standards but I know I can’t impose them on anyone else. That was partly the theme of tonight’s meeting. I was lucky to have had two meetings in a row (went Thursday night too). I may not get back for a few weeks again -health and weather permitting!
I wish you and yours every blessing for Christmas , Laura and good health (please God!) for 2018. -
Merry Christmas and happy new year to you also laura .
It is a great achievement to be able to help your son out with college fees etc . I hope we get to chat before CHristmas- I just left a group there with Monica.
I have been a little extravagant this Christmas – my sister has four kids so she buys a big gift between them and it doesn’t seem So extravagant. Sometimes it’s nice for my only child to get some up to date technology but when u buy it for one kid it seems extravagant – it is what it is – I would prefer if he had siblings to argue with over whose turn it is .Enjoy your time with family .
-
-
Dear Vera,
Thank-you for taking the time to post! I really don’t know where you get the energy either! My mom is the same. Prepares a full turkey dinner all on her own. I don’t know if I could do it, even with a better back.
It’s good that you have your GA meetings and groups that support you. At our meeting we would read from “A Day at a Time” meditation book. Then you could comment on the reading or just how your day was going or your recovery in general. I found almost always I got something from the reading. And people’s thoughts on it were also insightful. More an exercise in growth.
You are probably in the thick of your Christmas day. Enjoy Vera! You worked so hard for this day.
Merry Christmas Vera xo
-
Christmas day is here. So many expectations placed on Christmas. Makes me glad that I was rarely extravagant in the past. My sons were not hard done by growing up, they always got so much from others, grandparents, aunts and uncles, I couldn’t see just buying more for the sake of buying. At least now my sense of money has really returned to normal. It’s not just paper, or for the online gamblers a balance on a screen! It is actually supposed to be our means to take care of ourselves. Something I lost in the heat of my gambling addiction. It just made the reels spin! And it was an inconvenience to run out!
Rambling this morning. Today is a day of coming and going for me. Turkey dinners and presents and time with family. I’m a little sore from going out to listen to a band Saturday night for a few hours. The music was lively and it was hard to sit still.
My mind is not filled with my next bet. I rarely think of it. Which is such a relief. As I dabbled I would have times where I could feel myself being pulled back into that pattern of go gambling, think about gambling when not, go gambling.
Life does get better. And we can keep making it better by not gambling.
Merry Christmas everyone, and here’s to a gamble free New Year.
Laura xo
-
-
Christmas day was a lovely time spent with close family. The biggest blessing is that we have all continued to live close to one another. The furthest being 45 minutes away. We support each other through thick or thin and I couldn’t ask for more. This was probably my last Christmas with both my sons living home so I enjoyed the quality time of having them around. Honestly it was a smooth, non stressful day.
I will have to add more later as I’m falling asleep at my keyboard. Nap required! lol I owe a few posts to others as well. Later today i hope. ~L
-
Laura that sounds like a pretty perfect Christmas .
It is good to live close to family especially supportive family.
It is also kinda sad to think that life is moving on and kids may be moving out – but we have all had to take that step I guess. They really do seem to grow up so fast .It was nice to chat to you in group last night – it was a busy group which is great to see
.
Onwards and upwards Laura ! -
Thanks for your post I did it! I’ve been awfully tired with all the goings on of Christmas. It takes a lot out of me to force my body to do things and I can only force so much and the exhaustion sets in. It is 11am and I’m just crawling out of bed. I need to sort that out as I hate waking that late. It makes me feel like I lost half my day. I was up late last night semi dozing as I listened to TV. Not awake enough to do anything ( I tried taking my new tablet to bed with me but that didn’t work out, too sore to get comfortable in a typing position), but not sleeping either. Hopefully I’ll be able to get into a little better routine once all of the holiday hoopla is over.
Sometimes I feel a little silly, here typing about my mundane stuff when others are going through such hard times with this addiction. In early recovery days boredom would have been welcomed compared to dealing with the chaos gambling had made of my life. So boredom can be good.
I also got out the dreaded over due government taxes. My husband has a business so his can take some time. I have got myself organized so I’m hoping about 10 hours will take care of that. A little here and a little there. I want them filed by Monday. I have to do this as it will affect my son applying for loans for college if I don’t get them in ASAP. There is always something to do. Some task to stay on top of. Being a procrastinator extraordinaire I can put them off forever. Always something else I’d rather do.
And with that little whine I’ll say good morning everyone! Definitely onward and upwards. We can’t go back and change things but we can keep moving forward. Baby steps or hanging on tight to prevent back slide. And over time that will take us upward. We just have to keep doing the next right thing. And when I say that, I mean next right thing for our own self. We are all individuals and we need to build our lives for our own self.
Laura -
Laura, I always like to hear what is going on with your life! Boredom can be good! Sometimes when I complain about my life, I feel a little ashamed because there are people on here with more desperate situations. But I think all of our stories are valuable! Your right, we have to keep doing the next right thing for our own self. Have a good day Laura.
-
Laura, I always like to hear what is going on with your life! Boredom can be good! Sometimes when I complain about my life, I feel a little ashamed because there are people on here with more desperate situations. But I think all of our stories are valuable! Your right, we have to keep doing the next right thing for our own self. Have a good day Laura.
-
hi Laura, glad you had a nice Christmas and it is totally ok to write about what you feel is mundane, this is your journey and your page to off load onto.
i know what you mean though as sometimes i feel guilty about writing about anything positive when i know so many don’t have that light at the end of their tunnel yet but i remember reading peoples journeys when i was starting mine and never once thinking that anyone’s writing was less significant than anyone else’s.
we are all here for one reason, to get beyond that gambling place and to be writing about what others may see as boring ?? it shows how far you have come and it put life in more of a “normal” perspective. who wants drama at christmas anyway ?? -
…these were the words that jumped out from your post, Laura.
I always seem to be exhausted or seem to be exhausted, always, even.
What I would give to be able to “semi doze”. I lost my sleep to gambling.
Wonder has this happened to many CGs?
All my family have left now. Last one today . Just back to hubby and me. I’m beginning to feel a void and have a restless sense.
I will P U S H myself to drive an hour to a very small GA meeting (hope someone turns up)
I feel I need to go somewhere.
Yesterday I was 2 years gamble free.
Maybe if I say that out loud I might feel less disconnected from reality.
Well done on your huge efforts over Christmas, Laura. It would be tempting to say “I can’t do it”. Some times it’s good to push ourselves. Sometimes it’s better to give in and stretch out and do nothing. -
Hi Laura
‘Mundane and silly’ are two words that I could never apply to your posts, both on your own thread and the threads of those you support.
I have heard others who are enjoying recovery feeling awkward about posting in case they sound smug and or complacent but ‘smug and complacent’ are two more words I could never apply to you.
It saddens me to hear about the pain you endure but your words are stimulating and bring joy. Your gamble-free life sounds great – ‘mundane’ – never!
Thank you
Velvet -
Thanks 3racer, Liz and Velvet. It is always lovely to get mail and of course for myself, a little validation. I always envy those who can live their life without really caring what others think. Sometimes I try hard not to but I just don’t seem to be wired that way. I have to find somewhere in the middle. So I am thankful for your feedback ladies, it does mean a lot to me. There is an expression that a lot of people toss around, how they are “feeling blessed”. I try not to use it a lot, even if I feel that way. Because why am I being blessed while others are not? I think it’s more a feeling of gratitude for the good things I have in my life and I can ***** all of the people here at GT among the things I am grateful for. Have a lovely evening.
Laura -
Thanks for your post Laura.
Yes, the Spell is broken.
The Illusion shattered.
The Miracle has happened.
“What’s Another Year” is the title of a famous song. My take on it , when I chose it as a title to my thread was “what’s the point in continuing to be part of something that had failed me”.
That is how I felt about gambling at the time. I had given it everything and got nothing in return. It had drained me and left me empty. That’s the nature of gambling. It takes everything.
Yes, I went to the GA meeting. It turned out to be quite powerful. Six men turned up, ranging from 20 something to 60 something.
There was a very honest and humble atmosphere in the room. One man with a long recovery had had a bad relapse. I think that always brings the rest of the group to the realization that “this could be me”. That was voiced by another member, also in long term recovery. I wish could say more about that meeting but anonymity forbids. Suffice to say I did feel a connection with the people in the room.
Something that is often missing in Real Life.
Regarding living Life without caring what others think, Laura I think we sometimes get that wrong. I care very deeply about other people but many years ago I learned that my happiness does not depend on how other people perceive me. In the same way that gambling has no power over me until I place that first bet, people have no power over my feelings unless I allow them to take that power from me.
I learned this the hard way. For the best part of my life I believed my happiness depended on others. It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. Deep down, regardless of any circumstance or situation, I am happy. Lots of people find that strange. You have to experience it to grasp it. It just “is”!
Gambling brought no happiness. It brought thrills and every thrill brought it’s hangover but “happiness” is very different to a thrill.
I think , deep down you get what I mean Laura.
I wish you and yours a Blessed New Year! -
Hi Laura.
I think in truth there are few of us who can live our lives and not worry about what others think – I guess that’s why we get hurt sometimes. I don’t think it is altogether a bad thing as it makes us more sensitive to others and their feelings, as we understand what it’s like to feel crushed .I have to say as I’ve gotten older I worry less or maybe I accept less cr*p from others . Either way I hope you never lose your sensitivity – It is what makes you you ! It is why so many people love to get posts from you – your posts are always kind and encouraging – even when we are letting off steam you seem to be able to pick something positive from what we have written rather than criticise .
I guess the thing I have learned in life is that others are the way they are and no matter how much we worry about what they think, those opinions are little to do with us , but are the result of years of conditioning and experiences – their negativity is not about us (although it still hurts us) !
Never change Laura – your sensitivity is key to your wonderfulness! -
Gambling had left me broke and empty as well. I gambled to fill a void. But instead it just took from me, leaving a bigger void, a bigger hole to climb out of! I’m glad your meeting was so powerful. A good reminder that no matter how far we get we can still fall. We are only a bet away as I realize all too well.
I’m glad you are happy Vera. It’s a happiness that comes from being true to ourselves I think. When we are gambling we project a fake persona to the world to hide the chaos that is going on inside. There are lies, or perhaps only “lies of omission” that we are hiding. It’s hard to be two people at the same time.
I will forever remember our heart to hearts back in the days when chat was open 24/7. I miss that! Knowing no matter the time of day there was the possibility of hooking up!
Keep following the path that is true to you Vera. Wishing you all the best in 2018.
Laura
-
I love that we can get insight from each other. Your thoughts provoke me to work on my though process. I guess if I had to choose between being an unfeeling person who mows over others in life and and an oversensitive person who gets fooled and walked on, I’d pick oversensitive. It just must be nice to not deal with the anxiety it can bring. Not that I don’t push myself to get out. But now and again I tend to freeze up!
I do worry less as I get older. Most definitely about body issues. Not too many perfect people in this world and I don’t have the time and energy to get myself there now! Better things to spend my time on! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for self improvement, but superficial doesn’t do it for me anymore.
So thanks for being there these past months IDI, whether it is to pass recovery time together or make positive connections about ways to find healing. It’s all been a help.
Laura
-
-
-
My Mary Poppins attitude has been deflated at the moment. My husband made a couple of rather hurtful comments night before last and I’ve been stewing on them of course. He is not overly helpful and I had a minor melt down about it. I’ve told him how I feel about what he said. He looked slightly uncomfortable but not enough to actually take back what he said. So we’ve been picking at each other ever since.
I also managed to fall last night. Right after a group I went to get out of the big arm chair and managed to hook my own self in my pajama pant leg. I went flying as I had no leg to put under me (it was wrapped in the opposite pajama bottom leg). I had food in one hand and it went flying too. I’m a little beat up this morning but not enough to stop my progress. I am in the middle of doing a big clothes clean up in my bedroom. Bathroom got a good scrub day before yesterday and all the holiday decorations are down and away. I had them up early this year as I wasn’t working. I’m ready to end 2017.
The constant cooking that goes on in my home without the necessary cleaning it requires means I’m always pushing myself. I’m not the cook but I’m the main cleaner! I am starting a new eating plan in the new year and I plan on only doing what is necessary to take care of me. I am also going away for a couple weeks next month. I am very looking forward to it. I’m afraid if things don’t change then 2018 will be the year I need to make a big change.Dear 2017, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Happy New Year Everyone
Today will still be a gamble free day. I will not jeopardize my choices by throwing them away in a slot machine. And that is what gambling addiction has done to me in the past.
Laura
-
hi Laura, firstly, i am sorry to hear that you are having a rough couple of days,i hope you are ok after your fall, sounds like you took quite a tumble :(.
Things happen unexpectedly that can knock us off our game, become triggers for us to go to our place of comfort which for a long time many of us turned to gambling so well done for recognising the 2 there and being clear with yourself.
something Johnny said to me a long time ago which has always stuck with me which was “invest in yourself” this means different things for different people but i believe it is a good 3 words to keep in your thoughts, not everyone is into the whole new year and making better choices on the 1st January but i always find it a good place to give my motivation a boost without being too unrealistic.
look at the year gone by and see how far you have come and the remarkable posts that you have taken the time to write and motivate others, don’t let a bad couple of days get you down. you really are remarkable and i wish you great things for 2018 -
-
-
Hi Laura ,
I read your post on Monica’s thread – what a lovely kind gesture to send money for fuel to that person who needed it.
I have similar desires to do good but somehow I always seem to gamble and then feel I can’t give .
I hope you are ok after your fall.
It was good chatting to you last night – it kinda helps me to get my thoughts straight .
It occurs to me that after your generosity you got a windfall.
That’s really great !
Keep strong Laura -
Thanks for your post on my thread and your great support. sorry to hear about your fall. Hope you are ok. When hurtful comments are made, they need to be talked through. I somehow feel this contributed to your fall. I guess you will have times to think things through when you are away? Where u off to? I used to be off here there and everywhere but this has all stopped over the past 14 months or so.
-
Hi Laura, Sorry to hear about your fall. How are you? You are one of the most caring, kindest person I’ve known. I think it was awesome that you helped someone with their heating bill. I really need to do some volunteer work. I’ve been talking about it but not acted upon it. It is always good to give back to your community. Take care Laura.
-
Hope things have calmed down with hubby. Dames and I don’t fight….we snipe and then don’t speak. The longest I went was 3 days. How ridiculous!!! when we were driving home from camping we went past an adult shop. The front windows were filled with mannequins in lingere. He says to me, we should go in for a look, I said, I don’t think so, I don’t have the figure for that stuff…he says, well there’s other stuff in there. Now, most people wouldn’t blink. In my head, he’s saying you’re fat, and yes, you don’t have the figure for that stuff!!! I huffed all the way home!!!!
Ridiculous!!!! Why do I do that???? Sometimes it’s the things he doesn’t say, the things that wouldn’t even enter his mind to say that makes me wild! Even as I type that I know how bloody stupid it sounds. Lol!!!!!
Anyway, how are you feeling after your fall?
Awful thing, falling.
I think for me the fright is worse than the actual fall!
Well I should go have a shower, going to see Brea and Tex this morning, then planning to clean out my linen and Tupperware cupboards this afternoon, jobs I’m determined to get done this week before I go back to work.
Take care my beautiful friend,
Love K xxx -
Thankyou all for your posts. You are all really very kind! Bad mood has passed.
I’m over my fall for the most part. Got a lovely big bruise and couldn’t hardly move my arm for a few days. Physical therapist treated my big bruise with a laser yesterday and it felt much better fairly quickly.
Still some friction between hubby and I. I have to take care of me by doing less. And I refuse to live in a pig stye. So he can either clean after he cooks or eat a sandwich! Or get his sons on board to do dishes after supper! I just feel like I need simple right now. Kathryn our fellas always were like twins!
So I received a little windfall. Unexpected adjustment to my previous disability amount that went back a ways. I still don’t trust that it is mine! So saving most of it for now. There is hope people. Gambling did not pop into my mind when i found out it is supposed to be mine. Instead I thought instantly of how I could pay off my credit card and help my son with tuition. I sent an old work mate who is really struggling money to put heating fuel in the tank. Big storm coming and we’ve had frigid temps here. Should get her through a few weeks anyway. Very expensive to heat here. It made me feel good to do it for her. People shouldn’t be struggling not to freeze! And a child in the house as well.
So today I’m just home. The business taxes still need to be finished. The bulk of them left to do. But i have made progress sorting out my clothes and my bedroom. Hoping to do some catching up here as well. Take care my friends. Its a new day. Lets make it a gamble free one.
Laura
-
Hi Laura,
I’ve never heard of laser for bruises – what a great idea.
A windfall that we don’t gamble is indeed a windfall.- when I think of all the gambling fantasies of how we will help others when our luck comes in – and we never help anyone because of course somehow we always lose it . Yet being gamble free means you can offer support to others. Gambling gave us nothing in life only heartache .it is a most generous and kind-hearted gesture to help a friend in the way you did.Also it is a clear reminder that we don’t need gambling to experience a windfall.
I hold firm in the belief that God will restore everything that the locusts have eaten , that the devil has stolen.
Enjoy you windfall Laura and treat yourself also – you deserve it .
-
Hi IDI, hope first day back hasn’t been too torturous!
you are right. Windfall’s don’t have to come from gambling. And if we are out of control when they come we spend them all gambling. I know at some point in my future, hopefully not for a long long time, I will inherit some money. Not crazy money, but enough to give me a decent old age. I don’t want to be the crazy old lady gambler sitting at the slot in her diaper! And not because i’d need one. There is no shame in that.
Travel is what I want to do some day. When my sons settle into their own lives and leave the nest I’d like to start saving to travel. And that should be in the next year or two. hopefully lol
I like that, is that from the bible?
I think I’ll treat myself to some extra spending money on my trip. I’m going south for a couple weeks. Only two weeks until my trip ??
If I have power I’ll be around 10pm group. Just a few minutes late as usual.
take care xo
-
When u travel Laura. -we will have to meet up .
I have another few years to wait until son is grown but how cool would that be if a group of us spent our recovery on crazy trips – Australia , arctic , Japan … yeah being gamble free allows us to dream and follow those dreams through .
Arghhh , I wanna do it now – that old impatience fault ..
It was nice chatting to you in group tonight ! -
Hi Laura
Thank you for your post on my thread .
I slightly over indulged on red wine last nite and feeling a little yuk, but heading out for brunch now so that should help.Did you enjoy your night out? It is so easy to lose touch once we retire – we start off with the best of intentions to stay in touch and suddenly a year has gone by.its nice you made the effort for your friend.
You say about writing on the tablet – I honestly sometimes feel I am having a different conversation in chat because I cannot follow chat and type at the same time or even see what I type on my phone . So someone could deliver really bad news that someone has died and I reply with ” moving on – did any of you see xfactor last night”. It is difficult with the gambling blocker but I am not swapping my betfilter browser for a better chat experience . Lol!Once someone got mad and said I don’t listen and logged out , but other than that most people understand that we have all have different levels of ICT literacy , varying internet connection strength etc . Your chat read fine to me – don’t worry .
I hope you have a lovely day today – I feel really happy – maybe it’s the wine in my system lol!
-
I’m having a couple of days where aggravations keep popping up and I feel like I’ve been dealing with everybody else in my family’s issues! But that is family. In my case I’m very lucky that I get a lot of support from the women in my family. So when mom is having a rare bad day I shouldn’t really complain at all. Nothing I want to go into here but just meant I haven’t been around here much since Friday night. And I like to support others.
My Friday night was fine. I’ve been having some bad back days so honestly I would have cancelled if it hadn’t been so long since I’ve last seen her. We just went somewhere near by and had a drink. Really nice visit and I was home by 9:30. I was out last night but just for a couple hours to see friends. They ended up having an unplanned social gathering as several more stopped by. I couldn’t stay and I sooo wanted to. But my back just wouldn’t take it. So home I came to pout. Took a pain killer and lathered on the pain rub and to bed with my heating pad to watch tv. I’m going to have to save for one of those fancy adjustable beds!
Anyway, sorry to those I have missed and would like to have posted to. Stay strong everyone.
Laura
-
Sorry you’re having a few rough days,
It must be so frustrating not being able to do what you want to do. I’m sitting here with my heat pad on as the first day back at work almost killed me. I’m bent in half!
So, cricket…. have you ever seen it?
Bat, ball, wickets, men in tight pants, who could ask for more?
It’s bearable for a little while, but in MY house it’s a continuous stream of games and I am just about to lose it!!!
Don’t let hubby watch it if he loves sport, they get obsessed! I know what I’d like to do with that cricket bat!!! Lol
I’m working every day this week and next which means 50+ hour weeks for me. While the pay will be nice I’m used to a 4 day week ! I’m also cleaning with Jode all day Saturday, I actually think I might die from exhaustion!! We are putting the money into our savings. Not sure when or where the next trip is but we are starting at least to fund it!
Well , I’m going to bed shortly, hope I put a tiny smile on your face!!!
Love ya girl, K xxx -
that you did Kathryn! put a little smile on my face that is. Unfortunately men in tight pants don’t interest me much either lol lol 50 hour work weeks and a cleaning job on top, ugh. Ok, lets turn that around. Awesome that you had two weeks Christmas holidays and great you have a job to go back to. Start dreaming about where you may go next holiday. Sky’s the limit! ok well it seems like it is lol. Love right back at you Kathryn. Have a good week.
Up early this morning to try and have a coffee in peace! I go to the doc’s office a little later this morning to hopefully get clearance to fly.
sometimes life is a struggle but what is the alternative?
have a good gamble free day everyone
-
-
I am working through relationship issues. I would have thought after three decades we would have this figured out by now. But the key word is we. I had some very serious words for my husband yesterday and I know he heard what I said, listened and processed, and is making efforts at the moment. This is in addition to a few of these conversations recently. I am going to be completely laid up with surgery. I won’t be made feel useless and a burden.
I’m saying this here because in the past this has been a huge trigger for me. As soon as physically capable of sitting I would find a slot machine for a few hours.
I will speak my truth and either his behaviour changes or mine will. And I’ll be d@mned if I’m going to escape again.
Laura
-
When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill, you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Program, Rhode Island Hospital
Once you interact with these machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machine is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull
It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Addict
The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios
The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction.
Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted, until they have zero the player out. -
thank you Kin for your reminder that this is an addiction and as an ex addict, a recovering addict there is nothing wrong with having life issues , it will all be in how I handle them. Thank you for the powerful quotes and its true. I’ve read similar things as well. Will I sit down to the rhythmic zone? No I refuse to have that first bet. Going out to friends for a couple drinks. I napped all afternoon as was exhausted from the days tasks. One day at a time right now. Just one day.
-
-
Hi Laura ,
I have been having a bit of a dry spell with the posting but thank you for your post on my thread .
I hear you loud and clear about behaviour changes.Keep going Laura ! You are blazing the way for the rest of us – not only in your fight against this addiction but also in how you are realising your value and setting standards for how other must treat you ! Keep going Girl!
-
Thank you Laura for your replies on my thread .
I am sorry that issues have arisen again . I genuinely don’t know why . My horns are not going to lock with anyone’s !I have written my response and I am moving on and that’s the matter finished with as far as I am concerned. The good thing is I don’t feel terribly upset this time which means it won’t impact on my recovery.
Anyway I hope your day is going well. Thank you for taking the time to care .
Sometimes I feel alone – and then I check into GT and I see that you and a few others have been writing to me on my thread or maybe referring to me on another, and it gives me a sense of belonging . Thank you . Xxx -
Thanks for both your posts today IDI. I had a very busy day for me yesterday and over extended myself. So today was a short trip to the city in the morning with my sister, home in the early afternoon to prepare supper and then I conked. Just woke up now but am going back to bed. I’m glad it isn’t going to impact your recovery, that is what is important! Maybe we will catch up tomorrow some time. I can honestly say I have made some very very meaningful connections here. It does give a place to belong and a core group of supporters who will always be routing for your recovery. Where you should be able to share no matter what. This recovery business takes time effort and support. I know you can do this! Perhaps I should post this on your thread,but i wanted to reply first. I’ll read your response on your thread tomorrow with a fresh mind and maybe after a coffee or two ?? Good night
-
Sorry about your troubles at home.
What is it with these men sometimes? (I’m not generalising, so don’t start jumping up and down fellas!)
Dames went away for the weekend, came back in a huff. Who knows why! Ugh
So I got busy! Meal prepping for the week, my weight watchers is going ok (I hope) I made banana pancakes earlier for my breakfast tomorrow. Only 3 ingredients! Surely I can’t stuff that up? I’m the worst cook, aaand they look like pancakes!!!! Woohoo!!!!! Don’t know how they will taste though lol !
So back to you. …. hopefully your husband takes on board what you have said and your house becomes a bit more peaceful. You have enough to deal with!!!!!
Hope your week is a good one!
Love K xxx -
Too funny Kathryn, I hope the pancakes taste ok! I’m the worst cook. Mostly I think because i get distracted. But the cooking skills are barely there, nothing ever seems to turn out as it should. 3 ingredients is about what i can handle! I’m planning a very lazy day today! I slept for almost 14 hours last night , i should be well rested! Have a good week in work. You are doing amazing Kathryn! thanks for the post xo
-
-
Laura, It’s always nice to read your posts because you are an honest, genuine, kind, thoughtful, loving women, your last post doesn’t meet my standards it exceeds them by miles, keep fighting and plodding my friend, so very happy to share my recovery with you, look after yourself and really hope you are keeping well.
Take care and speak soon.
P.S – sorry about my title I do have a sense of humour – you probably read it and thought Maverick what on earth are you on about lol – take care and stay strong in every way.
Maverick
-
-
so very sweet of you Maverick. Thanks for the boost ?? It’s great that you have maintained a sense of humour. That’s one thing I refuse to let this addiction take from me either! Be by to post soon and see how things are in your world.
My coffee pot will be on and I will be there IDI. Don’t let the distractions get to you! You are right when you said you are alone in this. In one way you are. You are the one who makes the choice and and lets in the suffering that you must bare. Not today! or You are the on that make the choice that lets your bank balance stay where it is and stability to take hold. Which wolf will you feed today? I always liked that parable.
Talk later, Laura
-
there’s been some more drama and it affects the site and everyone here when it stirs up, myself included. But I’m just going to try and give all the benefit of the doubt as I did the last time. If being right is more important than anything else have at it. I’m just trying to ignore it as I don’t think there is anything I can say that will make things better.
On to happier things. I am heading south for two weeks. It’s for a medical consult but I will also have lots of down time in the warmth. And as we just had a two week spell of colder than -15 C I can use it. I’m a little nervous about my stamina but I have requested wheel chair assistance so I’m hoping everything will go fine.
I still have some paperwork to finish before I go but I am making progress. I need to start packing. Looking forward to seeing some family I haven’t seen in a while. Feeling a little blah but hoping it will pass once I get rolling today.
Onward and upward!
Laura -
-
-
Yes you are both right Laura and Monica.
I need to learn not to react – I think I’m learning .
It is not nice for anyone when the site is hijacked by drama and I hope no one feels the need to take sides. We are all here to support each other.Laura , even though it is for medical purposes I hope you enjoy the trip. You seem so organised with your arrangements and I hope to all goes well for you . I envy you getting away to the heat – we are in standby for snow , although I know our winters are quite mild in comparison to yours.
I hope you really enjoy it and the sun does wonders for your health . -
-
-
-
-
-
??
Hope it goes well. Enjoy the sun.
-
-
So that update… well, I’m not even started packing, so I’d best get up to it!!! two loads of laundry left to do. I love my men, but a couple of weeks away not either trying to keep up with their mess or ignore it will be wonderful. Not to mention the sun and the warmth. Good place to recoup if I have any surgical procedure. oh yeah, no more coming back to read for an hour or two, I’m supposed to get moving!
Laura
-
Hope u have a lovely time
I can only imagine heat right now. I wanna go too.Hubby has booked us a Scandinavian trip for February- sorry to anyone from Scandinavia but I keep asking myself why ?? I don’t like the cold much ..
So envious – have never been where u are going – but as I don’t gamble- I might get there soon !
-
coffee break deserved
I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the last couple hours. I needed to do that. I walked the dog and cleared my head. I folded all my clothes and packed as I put away. Most things ticked off my list so just a little packing left to do and one more load of my clothes. I’m packing light and hope to do some shopping.
I will have family with me everywhere i go and they all know I had a very serious gambling problem. They are my best barrier really. They would challenge me if i even mentioned it. My credit cards are with my husband for his shopping and I’ve left very little cash in the bank. I’ve paid my bills and CC payments. I need to focus on my recovery and staying that way, in recovery.
I have one card for my use on my trip. I intend to spend it looking for needed clothing for myself and my oldest son who is in college and put on a little weight. He’s grown out of all his clothes so I’m going to see if I can pick up several items at good prices.
I’m grateful I”m at least feeling well enough to do a little shopping in between appointments. This real is going to be a wellness trip for me.
Laura -
-
Hi Laura ,
How is the trip going ?
Hope you are enjoying the heat .I notice you say you have family with you everywhere and they are the best barrier .
It makes me
Think about my situation and how being with family is a huge trigger for me because they always want me to go to the casino with them. Its so good that you can spend time with family without that worry .
keep in touch ! -
Made it!
I travelled on the 19th and 20th. I’ve had lots of naps and sleep since and am looking forward to a little light shopping today. Yesterday afternoon was a beach day so we went for a few hours. Heaven to sit at the seaside with the smells and noises in the winter!
It must be difficult IDI to have a gambling family. Especially if they like to do it as a group event. I guess you probably know it didn’t get them anywhere financially but to not be able to be social with your own family would be difficult. Perhaps its a good thing you dont live near them? It must make trips home more difficult for sure. Before you next trip home you will have to try and come up with some barriers, excuses, or just a plain old I don’t play them anymore. I have more money when i don’t!
So i will be safe the next couple weeks. I’ll try and post a little but i dont have my usual computer chair and computer so I can’t do too much of it. May be some one liners on my tablet. take care everybody. Onward and upward! -
-
-
-
Not sure when you’re due Home from your trip but I hope you’re having a fab time! Don’t forget the sunscreen!!! Working at a dermatologist has taught me good sun care, I’d die if i had to go to work with sunburn!!!!!
Been super hot here, hotter tomorrow, over 40c….there is such a thing as too hot for sure!
Have had a lovely weekend, Australia Day yesterday, public holiday and a fantastic catch up with family today!
I’m enjoying a bourbon and coke as we speak!
Again, hope you are having a fabulous time!!!
Love K xxxx -
Not sure when you’re due Home from your trip but I hope you’re having a fab time! Don’t forget the sunscreen!!! Working at a dermatologist has taught me good sun care, I’d die if i had to go to work with sunburn!!!!!
Been super hot here, hotter tomorrow, over 40c….there is such a thing as too hot for sure!
Have had a lovely weekend, Australia Day yesterday, public holiday and a fantastic catch up with family today!
I’m enjoying a bourbon and coke as we speak!
Again, hope you are having a fabulous time!!!
Love K xxxx -
-
My vacation is coming to an end. I am going for major surgery next week and will not be around for a little while. For privacy’s sake I won’t be posting too much here about it but will hopefully be back to offer my support to everyone here soon. This community and the support we offer each other is so important. From the early traumatic days to the day to day journey that unfolds. Please know that this can be beaten and a good life is possible. Take care my recovery friends.
Laura
-
-
-
-
-
-
Good morning GT friends! Its been 5 days since my surgeries and things are coming along slowly. I am to do very little for the next 6 weeks to interfere with healing of bone grafts. Then another 9 months of being careful. I won’t know if this part of the surgery is a success for a few months, once a couple of sets of progress xrays have been taken. Having the massive cyst removed has been a relief and I’m glad it is no longer threatening to damage my spinal cord. Much like addictions recovery my motto is one day at a time. I try and be a good a patient and am thankful to have family taking care of me. I’ve been sleeping a lot so haven’t caught much sunshine but when I can it’s beautiful. I have my odd poor pitiful me moment but I know I really have nothing to complain about. I am going to try and catch up a little here but please be patient with me as I know I have missed a lot. IDI, I am imagining a great big boquet from all of you here with so many of my favourite flowers and colours. Thank you all for thinking of me.
Laura
-
Laura, It’s good to see you posting. Sometimes it’s hard to be the patient as I remember when I had my heart attack and stent placement. I had to take it easy for awhile. My sweet Husband took care of me. I’m glad your family is there for you. May you find relief from pain. It’s alright to have a pity moment as you have been through a lot. Take care. It will get better!
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Good morning recovery friends
thanks for all the well wishes. It seem I am constantly tired. So by the time I take care of meds and meals (and I don’t mean cook, just actually eat) i don’t have much more energy for anything else. I can hit the like button on my facebook or play a game of scrabble on my phone. I’ll blame it on the pain meds that I’m feeling so dozey. I sleep a lot. And when not sleeping I’m dozing lol. And trying to walk a little but snow is keeping me in. I’m being devoted to healing. No thoughts of “when I get better I’m going on a bender or celebrating” As if!
I think I’ll book a trip before I spend a nickle on a slot.Sitting is the worst for me so I really have to limit it. I’ve been up 4 hours and am ready for a nap. Thanks for your notes and understanding that I just can’t be here right now. Take care all!
Laura -
Hi Laura ,
It sounds like you are doing the right thing for your post-op recovery – sleep is healing and it sounds like those meds are making sure you are getting enough.Booking a trip is so much healthier that giving our cash to some casino – a great plan.
Look forward to when your health is fully restored and we can have our chats in the groups .
Get well soon xx
-
-
-
This is something I can absolutely do. Agree to disagree. And it’s not so much disagree, I think I just wanted to make sure you were checking from all angles. We can sometimes get stuck into only our own view point. You’re a smart woman and if you’ve made this decision than I support you in it.
I slept right through group. Now it’s near bed time and I’m looking for supper. TV time with hubby. have a good night
-
Hi Laura ,
Great to see you posting .
I hope you are feeling lots better .
Seems impossible to catch anyone in groups
I missed you and Johnny in the late group
I go on holiday tomorrow and of course my latest flu relapse has occurred today so not sure if I will make it .
This is the most incredible and longest flu.Take care – enjoy ur tv shows
Xx -
Hanging in there. Feeling a bit blue. But I guess that is to be expected when you are in that stage of healing where you aren’t well enough to do anything but not sick enough to just stay comatose and heal. I made it out for my five minute walk. It nearly takes me that long to get ready!
I was feeling guilty and upset that I hurt a friend(s) here with an insensitive post. I will own it. Thankfully she accepts that i didn’t mean any harm but I worry that I may have made it more difficult to trust. xo thankyou for your forgiveness.
So I’m off to read and do some “light” posting. Until I’m narcotic free i don’t trust my brain to translate feelings into words.
On the gambling front I cant say a flashing advert on my tablet or phone hasn’t raised my little gambling devil’s head in interest. I picture the little bastard sitting on my shoulder. Asleep at the moment. I will not start illegal online gambling. That would be crazy now wouldn’t it? Little devil opens one eye at the thought. Go back to sleep you little menace!
Have a gamble free day,
Laura -
-
Hi Monica and Laura
There will always be things online which upset us or could be misinterpreted- because without the benefit of facial expressions etc we only have our own interpretation .
I have had some spectacularly horrible posts written on my thread , others threads and even a new thread started just to outline how many ways I am a liar. Despite all I am still here and still in recovery- all from a few people who have never met me personally (thankfully ).We are all quite vulnerable on here – we are suffering from an addiction and worse , we are suffering from the aftermath of that addiction .
Somedays we write better post than others and some days we receive posts better than other days . – friendship though is more than one post and I believe that we have all developed a great friendship based on mutual respect, kindness and helpfulness. The world and our addiction has pulled us down enough .The friendships I have built on here over the years have helped me get to where I am today – so thank you both for your friendship.
Ps Monica – think my flu has improved- staying in today ! -
-
Hi Monica, yes it was you ?? and thanks for accepting apology. And thanks for your post IDI, rather wandering update just ahead.
In my case I think when I was first in recovery, and I mean back when It was crashing down, my house of cards of debt and lies, I was very sensitive to every word said. It was like I was this wounded little creature who was on display and didn’t want anyone to say anything judgemental in the least. But that doesn’t mean some of what is being said isn’t wrong or coming from the wrong place. And that a person shouldn’t stand up for themselves.
I’m fairly medicated today so don’t want to ramble all over the place! I’ve had lots of visitors lately, my caretaking has tired of care taking as much so I was doing a bit to much “tidying”. So overdid it and have pulled something. This is going to be long recovery. Months. So I’m glad to see hubby has gotten second wind! House is tidy, stew on for supper, and he’s out working on a project in the shop.
Wanted to drop in and say I haven’t dropped of the planet, I’m just hanging in there, sleeping lots and by the time I do the exercises and have the odd visitor I’m done in for the day. Haven’t had one for a couple days so I have some time to post!
I am grateful for each day. It is another day to fight to get better. Connect with nature as much as you can in your recovery. It is so good for our mental health to see the world more as it was intended. Before man stamped our sometimes I would say ugliness all over it.
Each day we spend working on our recovery is progress whether we see it or not. Because you never know what is going to do it for you, what phrase, what thought, what person, what path will take you out of the darkness of this addiction.
I was talking to a dear friend who is still wresting with the demon today. I was so proud of some new shoes I’d just had arrived in the mail. I’m trying hard not to replace gambling with shopping. And recognizing what is a good purchase. These were two very sensible good purchases. They will help my back and posture a lot more than a slot machine stool. I need to take care of me! I did my duty and raised my family. Now I need to get healthy for my next phase of life.
Nap time
-
-
Hi Laura
I like the final words in your latest post: ‘ Now I need to get healthy for my next phase of life’.
I think our lives go in phases, some more productive than others and some downright awful. It is great to know that we can always start another phase regardless of what has gone before. I think it is a bit like turning the page and starting a new chapter with the promise of new and exciting experiences.
Your surgery sounds life-changing and I hope to keep reading that you improve by the day. A healthy body and a gamble-free mind sound great to me and I know you can do it.
I’m sorry if I woke you up when you were napping but I just had to pop in and wish you well and at least you didn’t have to get up and make me a cup of tea!
Velvet -
-
-
-
Thank-you everyone for your posts. It’s keeping me connected to the site.
I hate when that happens IDI! Lost post. It’s always the larger ones. I was trying to pop into group but it won’t let me in. Not sure if everyone is having problems or it is just me.
I had another busy week. First physiotherapy session, docotor’s appointment, more exercises and a short walk every day. Some days when it is cold it takes me longer to get ready then the walk.
I’m starting to car shop which is exciting. My car is 15 years old and now passed on to my son. All those years of not gambling helped rebuild my destroyed credit rating. Not perfect but I can look for what will be my vehicle for the next 7 or 8 years. Not new, but almost. In order to do the financing I need to get some more dreaded paperwork finished. I worked on tidying up my office today. I have it all ready now to get down to business.
I was thinking today what will stop me from gambling when I’m driving again. The people here instant came to mind. Will I come back and say I couldn’t stop myself from walking into an establishment? I can. I haven’t had a bet in so long that I should be able to control myself and not start the cycle again. I will continue to tell my husband about all my financial purchases so that he will know where the money is going. Over time things have gotten better.
Thank god I have my job. You have made me even more grateful for that Monica. Someone always wants what we have. Be grateful for those things if you can. Be grateful for your kids and that they are healthy. There is always something to be grateful for.
Take care everyone!
Laura -
-
Hi IDI,
I tried signing in and out of my GT account several times and it still wouldn’t allow me access to the group. I’m going to try again this morning for me/afternoon for the UK group. I believe it is 2pm London time that the group is on.
If I can’t get in still I will contact GT. But is the weekend so don’t know if it will be fixed. Also, my thread is all strange when I’m typing a reply to you. Part of my text box is covered in purple and the typing starts to dissapear behind it and then you cant see what you are typing.
Hopefully the bugs are worked out soon. Change of any kind always seems painful to me. Something I’ve had to work on!
Enjoy the weekend! Laura
-
-
-
Hi Laura
Just thought I’d check in and say hi, it’s been so long!
Day 2 for me today. This time I can do it! I think when I relapsed I had been gradually pulling myself away from the forums which I realised may have been a part of the problem.
Maybe I need you lovely people more than I thought? Or maybe I just wasn’t ready? This time I know I am.. There are things I want to do with my life! I now just need to get in control of this addiction and accept how live changing this is. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That scares me. I need to face my fears.
Sorry for the offload.
I wish you a speedy and healthy recovery. -
Hi all, tired tonight so heading for an early night in bed. Won’t be in group. ***** your blessings and you are right Micky, health is a big one. I’ve struggled with mine for two decades now. Way of life unfortunately. Allie’s mom, I find that GT plants the seeds that will sprout recovery if you tend it. It can give the sounding board we need, the little nuggets of advice and support. Glad you came back. It means you aren’t out there. Have a good night all.
Laura -
-
Hi Laura .
Hope your health is improving – are you starting to feel some benefits from your surgery ?
Are the meds still making you sleepy or do you think you need some post op supplements ?I admire how despite your health problems you are still on here giving support to so many people .
It really helps you know .
I had a very close call last night but today I am so grateful I didn’t gamble . This site is a life saver .Take care Laura – I so miss you and Monica in the groups.
Take care xx
. -
-
Thanks for your posts Monica, Ididit, Liz. I’ve been extremely busy since last posting. Taking care of medical, and finance paperwork. Beginning the tedious process of picking out a vehicle and researching for defects and lemons! Almost as big a commitment as a house. Had an night out with a bunch of lovely ladies. They’ve decided more to come. I can’t wait to start doing things. I’m recovering today. Just sitting for 5 hours without a lot of moving was a challenge. But i’m ready to do it. So I’m sorry i’m being neglectful but life responsibilities takes time. I was coming for group but with the time change I’m off an hour!
Laura -
-
-
-
Hi Monica, thanks for checking in on me. First day I’ve been on the site in at least a week. The car shopping has been going well and is keeping me busy. After another full day of test drives I have finally just picked one out and am now holding my breath that my credit is finally good enough.
I had all my family over on Sunday for snacks and coffee. It is good to be cultivating real relationships with the people I love. And my husband is being more helpful and participated in getting ready for company. Not something he used to do.
My time has been filled to the fullest but that is ok. I’m still healing. So hopping in and out of vehicles or sitting with sales people can tak a bit of a toll. But slowly I feel the improvements as the actually surgery is healed from.
What can I say, not gambling has made things better. My goal is to keep it that way! I have a car to pay for not an addiction that needs feeding.
I hope everyone is doing well and I’m sorry for not being here, but i agree with what was pointed out. I have to look after myself. Hoping things soon settle though so instead of scrolling through car sales ads I could be supporting my GT friends. You have to take care of yourselves as well. xo
Laura -
-
-
LAura it is so nice to hear from you . We all understand that you are recovering from a major operation and you should feel guilty about absolutely nothing – except maybe not putting yourself completely first at this time – you need extreme self care !
I really appreciated your post and it would be great if you could make it to a ten o clock group !
I hope the new car is a success and you are enjoying this symbol of the better life you have fought hard to achieve for yourself .Really rest lots and we will still be here in nine months or so when you feel better xx
-
Thank you Sara for your post! I have been meaning to stop by your thread to say hi, but welcome to the forum. I’m really glad that you were there for Daniel. We can be in a pretty bad place when we first come here. I was suicidal in 2009. But this place helped me immensely by pointing me in the right direction. My recovery hasn’t been perfect but I’ve done well for major periods of time. I’m here to keep trying to do what it takes.
To everyone new and old, reach out and support one another if you can. You never know when you could make a difference.
Night all.
Laura -
Hi Laura ,
I guess it’s a good time to thank you for your ongoing support to me , even when you have been in so much pain.
I missed the groups because I keep falling asleep on the sofa ! I am getting old – I used never do this !I agree with your comments about Sara ! Sara has been offering support to many on here !
About feeling suicidal – but Im not sure why but practically every time I gambled I had thoughts of suicide – not a plan just invasive thoughts – I am so glad we are all here today !
I have a great picture of you whizzing around in your new car Laura – Life can be so good !
-
thanks for your post IDI. For me I had lots of thoughts of suicide. Especially once I had indebted us so much we would lose our house. I kept thinking of having a driving “accident”. I had a lot of life insurance. Sad. It can drive you to prison, insanity or even death. Most times now I am a happy person who deals with being over empathetic. It’s like I feel for everyone in every situation. I love driving my new car. Big sunroof, fancy gadgets and things.
So I’m a little dissapointed. Where has the 10pm London time group gone? Only 5 nights a week now? It’s the one hour that we all have before it’s obscenely late for working people in Europe and not in the middle of the day in North America. I’m starting to be awake and able to sit in front of my PC typing more. Today I was able to drive my car and do errands myself. Wiped me out! I don’t think I’ll be making it to the next group. Take care everyone. Be vigilant!
Laura -
-
Hi Laura ,
I want a shiny car with fancy gadgets – my car still has a tape deck ! Can u believe that ? Haha – I don’t even know where to buy a tape. But I still feel so privileged to have a car !Two or the groups have moved to 11. I agree that the times are really bad now – I think 24 hour and people using the meeting place would work. It seems silly that the meeting place forum was only created after there were hardly any times to meet ! Who knows how people’s minds work ??
Hope your back is healing nicely !
Talk soon
Xx -
-
Funny IDI, I’ve been trying to learn to relax and just let the cruise control take over. Not as taxing on the body. And I’m learning how to make my gas go further as well. Sounds like maybe a good plan for me going forward in life as well.
Thanks for your posts ladies! I do have to remain aware of my situation as part of my recovery. I cannot self ban from every casino and slot machine where I live. They are everywhere! So i must forever keep myself aware of where this will take me if I forget.
Oh, someone in group ?? Take care all!
-
Hi Laura
It is great to read that your health is improving, your gamble-free days are happy and your driving skills are being honed to a high level.
It seems to me that allowing the cruise control to take over is a good analogy of life in recovery, it is great to sit back and enjoy but at the same time it is important to be vigilant for those damned speed signs, designed to catch you out when you are getting carried away.
Keep driving and enjoying the view Laura because my goodness, you deserve it
Velvet -
Hi Laura
It is so difficult sometimes – we must stay super aware and even then we must be super strong .
I really haven’t overcome this addiction even a little bit – but my years of self banning from online casinos means I am banned from opening accounts with almost all casino networks across Europe and America ! I often want to gamble but I can’t .It is even more difficult when it is land based casinos – you can’t fit blocking software to your car – OMG I think I have just invented something – an car alarm that goes off if your car keys enter a casino – lol! Think of the walk of shame of everyone knowing that you have triggered the alarm as you return to your car !
Anyway looking at your shiny car and comparing it to the shiny nothings that gambling gave us is probably a great motivator !
Hope to hear an update soon !
-
Thanks IDI for your post. You are always there to encourage! I have been super busy. Finally got last years taxes finished, only a year late nearly. Had a sleepover night with a group of women friends that have included me through a mutual friend. It was lovely. Then I slept nearly the whole next day. Exhausted. But it was so much fun it was worth it. I keep tackling projects. My goal is to get this years taxes filed on time. When you have disabilities and insurance there is always paperwork to be filed. Receipts for prescriptions and rehab specialists etc. Anyway, that enough of my moaning. I try and be grateful for the mundane things as this means life is no longer chaotic. And I am no longer in denial about what needs taking care of. I’m in the process of updating a budget to include my new car expenses and an Emergency fund as was suggested. I want to spend a little money on freshening up my outdoor space this spring as well. I need to learn how to save a little ahead. I tend to use credit cards too often. But no gambling! I’ll have to go back and check my time line for my date. It’s in May or June I cant really remember! Wish I could ban from one little place. But no such thing unfortunately here.
Laura
-
If memory serves me correctly, I became a member here in 2007 under a different name. 11 years ago. I went through 2 years of knowing I had a problem but seeming to be unable to do anything to stop for any amount of time. As I just read here. 100 day 1’s. My world crashed in October 2009. My financial house of cards came crashing down as it usually does for a CG. Oct 29/09 my date one. It lasted over 5 years if that is a consolation to anyone reading this. Then about two years or so of on and off dabbling and gambling. Eroding a lot of the pride I had restored in myself ?? But, here I am almost a year later. No gambling. And I need to remember to keep it that way. I will never gamble sensibly again. I can’t walk away without extreme difficult or intervention. I would break up my marriage being in the wrong. I have rebuilt too much of my life to risk it again. I feel as though I’m trying to convince myself. I’ve had little thoughts of a hole in the wall i discovered where I would unlikely be discovered by anyone I know. Perhaps a workmate, but only another CG would go there. But I don’t really have desire which is a gift at the moment. I’m not scheduled to go anywhere near there for a while. This truly never seems to let a person go. Monster!
-
Thanks Sara.
I only want to look forward. I’m preparing a new budget to account for my new car purchase and insurance. I also shopped around and got a better deal on internet phone etc. I’m going to try and work in a savings account for emergencies and when i need to buy something. I always borrow. I want to travel. I will likely have to retire earlier due to disability. I want to have a life after retirement. These seem like mundane details but they matter. Because I’m not gambling and I want to make that c*ount!
time to rest. Lots of posting for one day. Night all
-
Thanks for your post on my thread. I appreciate it. Of all people, I know that you really understand how low this addiction can bring us to and how hard it is to recover our life. As we have often said, I don’t think we will ever recover who we were, and I mourn for that loss. But Phoenix from the ashes and all that. I appreciate your support a lot and I know that you won’t gamble again. I also want to travel again. My life pre gambling was always full of travel. In fact I can quite happily live out of a suitcase. Goes with the sagittarian nature.
-
-
Life has been good of late in some ways and not so good in other ways. I have booked a short trip to visit a beloved cousin next month. She’s as close to a sister as possible. She is having serious surgery. And will be waiting for biopsy results or have just gotten results. So once she is over the worst of her recovery from the surgery I will visit. We can sit in the late spring sunshine and have coffee. Go for short walks. Visit her daughter and grandson. Paid for it with credit card points and a small fee. I’m driving more and really enjoying having a new car. The bills are paid. My sons are doing relatively well and are happy. My back is better than it’s been in a good while. Hopefully still to improve. I’ve been having a little fun with friends. Life should be good.
But the big But. My husband and I are not getting on at all. And a lot of it is my fault. So many things about him annoy me and I can’t stop pointing them out! I’m trying to tell myself he has his own ways and I have mine but not working all the time. I’m hoping it works itself out and is just a phase. But sometimes i wonder if my internal self is telling me something.
Going out to have some beers tonight and listen to music with friends. Life is too important to waste if I can help it. No gambling. thanks for the encouragement ladies.
Laura
-
Hi Laura ,
So great to read your back is improving and that you are getting out and about in your new car and spending time with friends.
Maybe it’s time for a date night with hubby?
A little bit of special time to remind you of why you got together in the first place?
As we change and grow through different phases of our lives we are sometimes out of sync with our partners. Of course sometimes they are just downright annoying !!!Keep enjoying your improved health and finances .xx
-
Laura hope you are keeping well, first of all my very best wishes to your cousin with her upcoming surgery my thoughts and prayers with you both, secondly my friend it is perfectly normal for a husband and wife to annoy each other with certain habits……well so my wife tells me lol, joking apart we are all different and all have our own “little quirks” I don’t know how long you have been together I have been with my wife for 22 years and now 41 so we meet very young, now I have said this many times when she has spoken to her friends and comes back and tells me they have a perfect life and they never argue with there partners………yes the first word that comes to my mind is a swear world lol and starts with bull however being serious all couples argue, annoy each other (to some extent) and have habits the other doesn’t like, in truth you are right to point them out so he can address them, if you both love each other like I am sure you do then everything will be good, we are what we are and there is nothing wrong with that, keep being you and keep doing what you do because I am sure he loves you that way.
Take care and always good to see you around and read yours post, my very best to you.
Maverick
-
Ahhh thanks for the post Maverick, so lovely to hear from you. I just posted to you as well and it was good to see you had some good news about your wife’s improvement, Thank god! Yeah sometimes I think bull when I hear that as well. We have been together nearly 30 years, since my late teens. In a lot of ways I’m very easy going and he is a very neanderthal type personality lol. Doesn’t seem to know how to pick up after himself no matter what he has touched and drives me literally around the bend. I keep reminding myself there are worse things but when when you have pain and limitations each thing I pick up can be painfully annoying! But anyway, life goes on! Things can always be worse! Thanks as well IDI. Not sure if we could agree on where to go for date night. But we went shopping together today and managed not to kill each other lol.
So life is pretty good not gambling. I picked up a few Dahlia’s for the front flower bed. I’m going to hire a young man to come do a little work on the lawn and flowers. I can afford it. Imagine. Not giving it to the establishment. Keep trying and working on recovery everyone. It is worth it. To keep my money for things that I love and enjoy. Research and development sure did their job when they designed the slots that sucked me in. Not today.
Laura -
Not killing each other is great in my book Laura !
Marriage is hard and if I’m honest I don’t really see he point to it !
But that’s just me !Laura just look at how youbare moving up in the world – anew car and hiring a gardener – could you have believed that was possible in your gambling days ?
Just shows you what can achieved when we really put int he effort .
So happy for u
Xx -
Hey I did it, it’s so true. I couldn’t have imagined it in my gambling days to be honest. Where I played there wasn’t a chance to win dream inspiring wins. And I never held on to the mediocre ones. I’d make a show to my partner about buying something with my “winnings” and then I’d continue to dig a big hole to continue playing. I had an old old car that I was trying to get another year out of when I was in a car accident. I replaced it with another pretty old car, all I could borrow the money for. Life is good, i can’t complain. I have drawn a line in the sand. I WILL NOT GAMBLE. I was out last night with work mates one of whom is a great friend. I will live this life to the fullest. Laura
-
Hi Laura ,
Great post – I too have rekindled some old friendships and seem to have a lot of friends – I guess I was an ok person before gambling addiction took hold .
It is extra nice to have these friendships now that our kids are grown and we have time to enjoy our friends .
I also have created some distance with friends who dragged me down – why do people think we want their uninvited criticism? I don’t anymore and I won’t wait around for it anymore ! It certainly makes life a lot happier and easier when we don’t have to constantly defend ourselves.
I read your posts and think that is where I can be Laura – with just a little patience and a little wisdom.
Thank you for sharing – it is good to read about those who are making it
Xx -
Life is a bit hectic but good. Health is improving a little at a time. I have to be realistic in my expectations but I am so grateful to be able to live any semblance of a normal life. No 10pm group last night or tonight. I was hoping to connect to “the girls”. Now, as I have a very sore neck i think I will retire shortly for the evening with some Netflix and heat rub. I already ate my chocolate! Life is better without the chaos of gambling. I defintely know I have a gambling problem. It`s like night and day when I am vs not. Keep going. I say that to myself and anyone reading. Keep trying!
-
Laura life is so much better without gambling. I remember trying to buy groceries to last a week for the same amount of money I spent today on an impulsive meal out (we all had worked late and kinda needed it).
I remember searching to find meat on offer and trying to make it last all week. I remember writing meal plans that were more about cost than nutrition. Do you remember the desperation when we realised the money was gone and then our minds going into overdrive trying find a way through it all.Yes life is good right now but somehow your post reminded me of those desperate days – every day feels like a win now just knowing there is a little in the bank !
-
What a great post to read this morning IDI. Right now that is how I feel. Everyday feels like a win. Life is good right now and I am one that sure as heck knows it doesn’t always go that way. There are some really tough times in life. In the last few years i was able to pay quite a bit against my home. This has opened up some new opportunities for me but as long as I don’t gamble it will always provide a security cushion. Something to fall back on in hard times if and when needed. We have all learned a lot of lessons here together.
I am hoping to catch the open group that starts at 2 London time. I used to always chat Saturday as i’d do it while having my morning coffee. Only 10am here.
Off to do some reading. Recovery must always be top of mind.
Laura
-
-
-
-
-
Thanks for the chat Monica. It was good. Got me thinking I wanted to try and put to words some of my thoughts. Thanks for the insight.
So, ya know, I can’t get back what I lost. That is gone forever. Money, the retirement fund, family vacations. The time I missed with my children. Both when I was gambling and when I was in a bad mood because the bills weren’t paid and the bill money was in the slot machines. Somehow I had always been chasing something to make me happy. Or maybe to forget my unhappiness. What I didn’t realize before was that everything that is important was there before my eyes. My very very caring parents. Not perfect but there for me in my adult years. A sister who spent loads of time with me and was a built in best friend. A good job that earned a decent living where I was respected and treated as an equal others. Two beautiful sons any mother would have been proud of. All things that were treasures and gifts to really be appreciated and just to name a few.
Today I am in recovery. It doesn’t really matter how long but that I truly am. And the best thing is that I appreciate everything I have and everything that I receive so much more. It’s like blinders have been lifted from my eyes and I see the gifts in everything.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t get, mad, upset or sad sometimes. I do. But I try and face each day thankful that I’m not gambling. And that I have this second chance at really enjoying this life.
I am feeling blessed in recovery.
Laura
-
Everything that is important is right there before us, but we completely lost sight of ourselves and everything else when gambling. It is like we see it deeply,for the first time, or maybe again but deeper, and really appreciate it which is like being reborn in recovery. Would,I want to put a stop to that? Absolutely not.
So I echo your sentiments entirely. -
Thanks Monica, I always appreciate your way with words. I was lucky enough to hook up with IDI today as well. It’s good to be affirming things with others who are on a recovery path also.
So I worked hard at getting some items off my to do list. I’m leaving home Monday so time is getting short to get my tasks dealt with. Once I get to my destination I intend on spending most of my time taking care of me and visiting with friends and family.
Life is short. I’m a recovering gambling addict and am recovering my health. I’m jumping both feet! Look out life, here I come.
Laura
-
Hi Laura
It feels like ages since we met in chat .
I have decided that being less reliant on GT is a great sign of a recovery going in the right direction- despite the slight urges , mostly caused by advertising , I kinda feel I am making it.I hope to catch you in chat over the weekend and find out how things are going with your new venture !
-
-
-
-
-
Hey IDI, sorry I missed you! I have every intention of being on at 10pm your time if you are around.
Heading outside to spend the day in the sunshine. Refill the bird feeders, maybe do a little very gentle gardening. Easy does it! Today I’m grateful I don’t have a gambling hangover. No looking in my bank account to see it empty and a series of withdrawals that added up to an amount I would have been happy to “win”. I have a huge problem with gambling. Once started I can’t stop. It is true that we are only powerless after we place our first or next bet. Right now I have the power to remain stopped. I must remember that this time! Laura
-
I too have a huge problem with gambling, once started I can’t stop either. Good to talk to you earlier Laura. Won’t make the 10pm group as have some work to complete. I just bought two pairs of summer shoes online. Now I have my summer wardrobe together, if I was gambling would have nothing, it feels good spending money on nice things.
-
Ha! so June 25th it is! In honesty I lost track of my last day gambled so had to go back over my thread. I thought I was a year clean. Turns out it is 11 months. The good news is that I am gamble free today. Reading back over my thread was very insightful. The good advice from others is still there. So I’ve been procrastinating enough over the past couple days. Something that is a theme through out my thread lol. Time to get moving. Take care,
Laura -
Thanks so much Jappy for your very kind post. I’m truly thrilled to help in any little way. You have been hanging in there day in and day out. Every little change, and self improvement add up over time. Thankfully!
So Life is good! Not perfect but good. I still have a to do list as long as my arm. But I did make a complete one. Some things are important and need to be done today or tomorrow at the latest. Doctor appointment today. The weather has finally turned hot. I have some help lined up for yard work this evening so won’t likely make the 10 pm London chat group tonight. Have a gamble free day.
Laura -
feeling a little ill today and last night. I hate wasting time being sick. It’s like no matter how hard I try to catch up something always drags me down. Tired of losing time! I can only hope tomorrow is a better day. I have a couple tasks to complete today regardless. And then it will be a Netflix kinda afternoon and evening. I have to remember that this too shall pass! And tomorrow or the next day will be a better day.
-
-
-
I’ve been watching a comedy, Grace and Frankie. Good for a laugh! And another original series that is I’d say kind of a sci fi thriller mystery called Sense 8. Depends on my mood which I watch.
Just a stomach bug that kept me up all night and running. Still draggy. But I know I’ll survive.
Popped into the 10pm group but quiet so far.
Early to bed tonight. Take care ladies!
Hope everyone is having a gamble free weekend.
Laura -
-
I was coming to post and complain that I haven’t accomplished much this weekend and that I am so tired and lazy. But then I realized I did get the shopping done! But I have a pile of dishes and lots of laundry. Lots of important paperwork that is coming due. I have no motivation though. I guess I will just have to force it! One of those days you just get through I guess! Laura
-
-
-
Losing a loved one is a hard thing to do. Thankfully I was not gambling. I was not in another world where my life revolved around wins and losses and debt and lies and deceit. I missed out on being there for friends and family during important times before because every cent, ever effort, every fiber of my being was invested in my addiction.
All of my positive steps of the last year have added up and added to the 5 and a half year abstinence I had previously. I was able to travel and be with my family during this difficult time. To offer support and receive. My connections with my loved ones are more satisfying than any win.
Today I will be gamble free. Glad to be back on the forum and will be catching up. Take care friends! I’ll try and be at the 10pm London time group. Hope you are doing well.
Laura
-
Laura it is the greatest feeling to be able to support our family rather than make excuses as to why we cannot go . Well done on your gamble free time and it is good that you are reaping the rewards of your efforts .
Sincerest thank you for chat last night – something has been released inside me and I don’t feel so alone and shocked .
Thank you xx -
-
-
I’m sure that the advice there is to be had on this site will be helpful. It has helped me many times over. Working on your recovery is much better than the altermative. If the kernals or seeds of recovery are planted and tended they will grow and blossom! May sound a bit corny but I feel it is true. It took me a while to get it but I finally did. All the best Nick.
-
Hi Laura
I hope all is good with you .
I am thinking I have had the worse few weeks and thanks to the support I have received from my kind friends on here I have come through them.
I am seeing those seeds starting to grow .
You are a most kind person and I hope those blossoms are bringing you joy and peace
Xx -
thanks so much IDI! I have been worried for you. I didn’t fear that you would gamble. I was worried about the storm of emotions and troubles we sometimes face in recovery and in every day life. So I am very glad to read your post. Sorry I had to run so quick last night as I was taxi driver! And Monica, sorry I rushed off on you the day before. Mom was coming for a visit. I have been so tired of late and not keeping my regular chat schedule. Seems i’m always running behind with things. And now I just managed to hurt my back by not using proper posture to open a window. Thankfully I was joined in chat this evening and my mood was lifted. It is a freezing cold damp day today. My warm bed is calling my name. I may be back up later to post but for now I am calling it an evening.
Laura -
-
Thanks Monica, such a lovely sentiment. I was truly given hope by others that came before me that I could stop gambling. That the financial mess would eventually be dealt with. That a meaningful life more in touch and in tune with my own self and my own values was possible. So many names that I don’t see here any more. But their message got through. Way down in the depth of darkness and despair they got through to me. All wasn’t lost. There was hope. Things can and do get better. A new life can be built. I appreciate so much of my life today. So if I manage to share a tiny little bit of the hope they passed on to me I’m so glad I’ve been able to. Today I am so grateful for my return to abstinence and recovery. If I look back I’d say near a year. The date isn’t important right now. Today was a good day regardless. Unless something crops up I plan on attending the group that starts in twenty minutes. Take care everyone. Laura
-
-
Did lots of posting the last few days. No one should feel alone with this addiction. Had a good chat. Got out and planted my flowers finally. Wore out. But a good wore out. Going for a hot epsom salt bath with I really don’t want on a hot evening. But will help after having a therapeutic massage today. Then hopefully a good night sleep. I have one more large bit of paperwork hanging over me. I’ve decided tomorrow is the day to get to work. Then I wan’t to live more of an everyday life instead of always being behind the 8 ball with deadlines that are way past due. Oh and I checked back over the thread and I’m back to one year of clean time as of a couple days ago. And it was a day like any other! A gamble free chaos free day. Laura
-
-
Well done on your gamble free time Laura.
One day at a time can achieve great things.
Somethign someone said to me when i hit my one year pin – it is the hardest to get and also the hardest to keep! Time since our last bet is great but it is our next one we all have to avoid. We can all do that ODAAT. Keep doing the things that are working.
-
Thank you both! I was going to do the 11pm group but I was up early today and am done in I think. Did get a really good start on that paperwork. Canada Day here on Sunday and the weather is going to be hot for the weekend. Going to do a little celebrating! Did another chat group! Time for a rest.
-
So it looks like the group is at 10 tonight so ill do my best to be there!!!
I am wrecked from canteen yesterday. 13hrs!!! Long day!
My back was screaming, I was in bed at 8pm (what a party animal) and was up at 8 this morning.
Got all my purchases Friday night so its a putting things together day today. I cant wait, my lounge is going to look terrific when I’m finished. Hasn’t cost me very much at all but it already feels like a new room, it was well overdue.
Anyway, I’m off to the shower,
Hopefully see you later tonight,
Love K xxx -
-
-
hanging out in chat by myself! Looks like I owe myself a post. Right now life is pretty good. Still healing and recovering but much better. Been fighting with some anxious thoughts but nothing to do with gambling. I’ve always struggled off and on with a bit of anxiety and depression. But for the most part it’s controlled and I’m thankful it’s not more serious. Finances need some attention as we’ve been spending more than making for a while now. Need to rein that in! Still a bunch of niggling tasks to get off my to do list. Some of them are important and relate to money. I’ve been making an effort to keep connecting to loved ones. If I can’t do it in person I face time with them. Just trying to remember what is important and meaningful to me. Recovery to me means being present in my own life. ODAAT!
Laura
-
Happy to read life is pretty ok!
Being present……I remember it wasn’t until I had stopped gambling for a while that I really appreciated that. All I could think of was the money I had lost. It wasn’t until I started having some ‘normal’ thinking that I realised just what gambling had taken away from me and in truth the money was at the bottom of the list.
Being present was at the top. With my kids, my husband, my bestie, myself, who I had lost for a long time.
I think because I’m getting older I’m realising what is important. My de cluttering has proven to me that the material things I longed for in my 20-30’s are just not important anymore. Yes, I have bought a new couch etc, but It has cost me under $300 to do my whole lounge room. What I need now is less. And if I’m having less its going to be nice less! Also, a bonus is less to clean/dust!!!! So theres some more time for me to do something else…..like post!!!
Its just after 9.30pm sunday night. I’m snuggled in my dressing gown and slippers, the house is super quiet, I’m organised for work tomorrow, dishes are done so I’m pretty content right now.
I think group is too late for me tonight (11pm) although I did have a small nap this afternoon so I may still be up! Ive always been able to drink coffee from morning till late at night and the last few weeks have noticed that if I have one after dinner I cannot sleep for the life of me so ive stopped doing it. Not sure that its made a huge difference. Mum has been on my mind a lot. Its been 5 months. I miss holding her hand. I can still feel it in mine.
Anyway, I hope you have had a great weekend, keeping in touch with family is so important. We are lucky to have them.
Talk soon my lovely friend,
Love K xxxxx -
Aw Laura – sorry I missed u in chat – I am there alone a lot also!
I am away with family at the moment and having a blissful time – I have been able to treat us all a few times and pay my way without worry – like you I will be having a leaner time over the next few weeks ! I love this feeling though !Onwards and upwards Laura – we are living the dream !!
-
-
-
Thanks so much Jappy and IDI for the posts. I always love getting “mail”.
Haven’t been around as much the past few days. Got a few more things off my to do list and one was a biggie. Now fingers crossed life will cut me a break or two and I may actually completely catch up in the next month or two. My back is acting up but always does if I do physical work or sit for too long doing paperwork. I’m thinking of brewing a nice cup of coffee and going to sit on my deck and read for a little while. Something to make me forget the humdrum of my current life lol. Ok, couple more posts. I apologize to those I don’t get to today. It is good to see lots of different people posting. This community needs each other to make it work. Keep passing it on. Laura
-
I hope you get relief from your backache by the time this post arrives, Laura.
I had a dental appointment today.
In the exact same town where the “hellhole ” is. Well, one of them.
I drove the exact route. Parked in the same car park. It was all like a dream. When I put the ticket on the car, I had an instant flashback to two days ago. I actually felt my legs turning to jelly. I convinced myself, that it was fear of the dentist but it was far more than that. I have gambled for years to avoid going to the dentist. Would any normal person believe that? I had to walk through an alleyway , past the door of the casino and just as I turned the corner, the owner of the “kip”was driving out in a very fancy car. Probably rubbing his hands together -“here she comes again”! But he was WRONG. I could FEEL him staring at me but I refused to meet his eye. As far as caino owners go, this guy is decent. I went to the dentist’s clinic, walked the same route back. Had a tentative arrangement to meet a friend.Sent a text to say “I can only wait 5 minutes”. Had the parking paid until 9am. I texted hubby. He said “I’m starving” . I had chicken chow mein made so I booted it home. 40 minute drive. We have just eaten and now I’m heading back to a different meeting point to walk with this friend.
Ironically, the cost of the dental work coincides with the 3 figure sum I managed to escape with on Tuesday night.
I didn’t have it with me today, for fear of being tempted.
I still can’t think about my 9k loss or I’ll flip the lid altogether!
I need to cop on to Life!
-
It’s thanks to you I see every casino owner as a greedy fat Cat wanting my money no matter if it would cost my soul. In my case the fat cat is the government so no fear that they will outlaw gambling. They run all the casinos and all the slot machines scattered all over town. You can hardly avoid it now. But with a plan you did. With a plan and barriers and safety lines we can snub the fat cat and his seedy casino!
Try not to think of the money. We paid to play. And if we keep playing we may think we are winning for a short while but it will never last. The benefits of meeting someone for a walk is the much smarter choice. Glad you could call a friend. Please drop a line any time you are home alone. I try and get on daily if not more often. We’ve missed you xo
-
-
-
Hanging out in the UK afternoon chat but only for a few minutes.. Going to see my mom and sister this morning (only morning here)! And an afternoon enjoying the weather is planned. I would love to do lots of posting but need to spend more time moving! Back is sore a lot lately. A little discouraging but hopefully getting off my duff will help. Keep the faith people. You can do this. Laura
-
-
Thanks for your post on my thread, as always it is so appreciated!!!
Ive had a pretty busy day really, out this morning with Jode, went and saw Brea and Tex and heading off again in an hour to the movies.
Havent got too much done on my day off but I have made sure dinner is ready for the boys here so there will be no whinging!!!!
I did get a pay rise this week which was awesome, not huge but I am now getting the hourly rate I have always strived for.
There was also a mix up in our holidays so I have also been credited 3.5 weeks holiday which is brilliant!!!!
Means i can take a day here and there with pay!
It has been awful weather the last 2 days, sooooo windy (gale force), storms and rain. I’m grateful for a warm house and a warm work place, poor Dames and Bailey are working outside today…brrrrrr!!!!!!!
Anyways, must go get ready for the movies, i haven’t been for a couple of years, just unorganised and a bit lazy i think!!!
Nothing better than popcorn for tea!!!!
Talk soon, Love K xxxxx -
Your post made me laugh K. I know all about whinging boys (grown ones) not having something for dinner ?? A movie sounds great. It’s supper out for me tomorrow at a posh new place. I’ll have to dress up for a change! Extra vacation! A raise! What is not to like about all of that ?? Hope it helps towards your next adventures. It’s great to have “normal” things in our life to be excited about and it not all have to do with gambling. Imagine, ten years ago you might have “celebrated” with a binge. So glad you have put that behind you and you are looking forward.
Well everyone, I’m nodding off reading posts and it’s only mid afternoon. I think that means a nap is required lol. Hang tough. Good things come to those who are brave enough to grab onto recovery with both hands. Laura
-
-
Just popped in to say GDAY!!!!!
I set my alarm this morning to see the blood moon. 5.45am it went off. I thought, it is freezing, I don’t want to go outside…..but I got up and looked out my bedroom window and BAM!!! There it was!!! woohoo!!! I ran down and got Bailey up (Harry is at a friends) and made him come up and see it too…lol. We are star gazers, him and I, and I didn’t want him to miss this as apparently theres not another like it for 84 years and I know for sure ill be digging up the daisies by then!!!!!
I was planning on going back to bed but once I’m up, I’m up!
I’m heading in to Breas today to help her with the kids (it seems very weird to type that) but Cam is playing football and she needs some help with the little fella!!! I’m sure ill get a small cuddle in with Della as well!!! Oh life is hard!!!!
Ive been logged into chat for a while, I was late as I was posting and didn’t realise the time but unfortunately ive missed a couple of people and no one else has come in.
Anyways, just wanted to say HEY GIRL!!!
I hope you have a wonderful weekend,
I need more coffee!!!!!!!
Love K xxx -
Thanks for the chat, it was really helpful as were the posts outlining positive things. I noticed you hadnt posted on your thread. Typical of you to think of supporting others. I also get what you are saying re a sensitive empath which I think we both are. This causes difficulties sometimes as I pick up on so many things. If I see something sad on the news or in a documentary which I have seen just now on tv of someone who committed suicide I actually pray for that person. I can’t bear to see suffering and I think that is half my problem!
Anyways, thanks again, it was good to read. -
Funny, I missed your post Kathryn as I guess Monica is right, I haven’t been round to post on my own thread for a few days. I was out to gaze at Mars last night which looked like an extremely bright star. Brightest in 15 years or so. Not a red moon but a red star lol Blessed that we are looking at moons and planets and not slot machines. Enjoy your little miracles. Monica I too feel for everyone in every situation. I am not sure if I feel their emotions or if I am feeling as I would feel in that situation. Either way it makes for a lot of emotions and I try to damp it down some as I don’t feel it does me a lot of good. It is exhausting over all. But I know i will never totally change that. I had one of those brief situations where I had opportunity to gamble. I thought of my hard won honesty and also how I would feel coming back here to be accountable. I kept on driving. Made it home on time without having to lie as to why I was late. Been enjoying vacation weather and time off work. Gambling would be adding so much stress to my life right now that I do not need. Glad to be gamble free. Laura
-
-
-
I’ve had a couple of busy days! Took a break from the heat and sunshine to organize and clean in the air conditioning. Got a lot done but I’m a little stressed. I have family coming for a visit and other than the main part of the house there is still a lot to be done. Some of the to do’s are outdoor’s but it’s been too hot. I wish my partner saw more merit in keeping things up and looking nice. It makes me feel like I can’t keep up and a bit ashamed. But I have to remind myself I can only do what I can do. That’s probably where one of my desires to have money comes from. Would be nice to just hire people to take care of everything! But I never walked out with a big win. I never had money to put into anything. I always was taking everything out of my regular money and leaving myself in a mess. So back to reality!
I’ll be busy again today. Please take care everyone.
-
-
Remember, your family are coming to see YOU, not your house!!! Some things cant be done in 5 minutes and I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice!!!
In saying that, even when Brea comes here I’m sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilet!! LOL
Sunday morning here, coffee and sunshine through my window. I know you saw the photo I posted of Dames and I and the kids , I blew it up and framed it for my sideboard. It looks fantastic. The petals are falling off my orchid now….not sure what to do with it once the flowers are gone? Someone told me to stick it out the back and leave it there till they come back? I have no idea being the novice gardener I am!!!
6 months yesterday since mum passed. I cannot believe how quickly that time has gone. It feels like a week ago that I last saw her. Blows my mind.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed your visitors,
Hopefully will catch up in a group sometime!!!!
Love K xxx -
Survived the company! Had a great time! Lots of time seaside. Great tan. Exhausted though! Need another good night of sleep to catch up. Thanks for the posts. I was also happy to see familiar names posting on the forum. Sorry I missed group tonight. lf I get second wind i will do some reading, posting and catch a later group as well maybe. Life is busy and full. Received letter in the mail. My taxes are being audited. Received letter in the mail, my drug coverage provider wants me to confirm I received said drugs. I swear, the universe is just making up more paperwork to send me because I was dwelling on what I already had to do! One step forward two steps back sometimes. Thinking of you all and hoping everyone is doing ok. Laura
-
-
Sorry Monica, I haven’t been in chat since my last post. Seems I’ve lost several more days. I’ve just been completely exhausted and more family visiting. One of my absolute favorite aunts who hasn’t been here for a visit in 8 years. So another round of family visits and lunches and suppers! I’m thinking of bringing up my exhaustion to my doc as it is much deeper than usual and I can’t seem to shake it. Apologies to the GT gang. Once again I hope you are all doing ok. No gambling here! I had a very brief opportunity to gamble again and made the right decision. Accountability to my GT friends is a barrier for me. It makes me think. It makes me play the tape to the end. Thanks friends! Laura
-
-
Well darn IDI, I had to finish up something so checked out of group for ten minutes. I left a message in the group forum but I’m sure you didn’ see it ?? I think I checked back in one minute literally after you left. Caught up with Kathryn though so that was a nice surpise. I’m staying til group closes in 15 more minutes.
-
-
-
-
Thanks IDI! I’m constantly chasing my tail these days. I’m still very tired but working on it with supplements. I’ve had one of those weeks full of medical dealings, paperwork and on top of it all I had a bad fall earlier in the week. I’m hoping I haven’t done any permanent damage. I have a lot to get accomplished this weekend. I don’t want to go into details but a lot of time sensitive things that will really affect my life if I don’t get them dealt with. My morning coffee is really hitting the spot. Makes me thing of my dear GT friend P. Miss her bursts of posts. Now to wake up a little. I’m writing this as I sip on my first coffee. Sorry I missed you in chat Vera. I’m hanging round til it’s over. Laura
-
-
-
Hi Laura .
When you mention morning coffee I always think of P too- I hope she returns here soon.I hope your fall didn’t do any damage to your back- recovery from surgery is hard enough.
It good to see you writing on your own thread – maybe we will catch up in chat later – I have guests staying which makes it difficult to plan anything .
Xx
-
I too think of P often and wonder how she is doing. So many people who have come and gone over the years, I hope they are all ok although if I’m to be real there’s a reason they aren’t here.
Sunday morning here, revolting day. Cold and miserable. I have a 1yo birthday party to attend in a couple of hours, should be nice, ill catch up with some family.
Anyways, hope your weekend is going well and you aren’t too damaged from that fall!!!
Take care my lovely friend,
Love K xxx -
Hey Laura thank you for your kind words of thinking of me on my recent post. I’m just catching up with you by going through this whole thread but you’ll have to bare with me as it may take some time! I see you’re currently gambling free though so that’s great news. I will be praying that it will become easier for you to not gamble though and not still a daily or even weekly/monthly struggle. For me not gambling just comes second nature to me in the way that gambling used to be. I hope that can be true for you too in the future.
-
Hey Kathryn, I am one of those thatnhave come and gone over the years. I want to give you some hope regarding the reason that people may not be here. For some it could well be because they are gambling but it won’t be true for all. I have been very much gambling free and so much so that I have been living life without it being a second thought for me and haven’t needed this extra support. I’m sure that will be true for others also. It can be done.
-
Thanks to all the ladies posting to me of late. Summer is a busy time IDI so it’s good you are busy doing summer things like visitors. Kathryn, I’m not quite ready to share the warmth with you yet. A little more summer please! And Alice, your post is a breath of fresh air! It’s been lovely catching up.
I had a few minutes this afternoon but now back to work! I’m slogging through my heavy todo list! Pray for me!
Laura -
-
Yes it will pass but that doesn’t always make it easier at the time does it? Allow yourself to be in the moment and feel it even if it’s not all a bed of roses. Down days are all part of normal life so sit with it and tomorrow may be a better one. Be kind to yourself and do what you need today. Eat the things that make you happy, do the things that you enjoy. Snuggle and rest when you can. Just don’t beat yourself up for having a down day and go with it.
-
Thanks Alice! I try as much as possible to follow instructions like those. Because just wishing something was a different way doesn’t make it so. So I try and do the best I can. Get the most out of each day I can. I try not compare to what others can do. And look for the little joys in each day. Wishing others well. Laura
-
-
-
-
Had a very busy long weekend. Worked on medical paperwork for insurance company. Went out with friends last night for sunset sail on a boat they had chartered. Was a great evening. Had a little too much to drink and stayed up really late but so enjoyed myself. I slept in until 11am for the second day in a row. Then I spent the afternoon with my mother and sisters eating and having a catch up. I will be in bed early tonight. But it is for a good reason. Life is short!
I will try and remember to check on removing the number IDI. I hope last night wasn’t too tough on you ?? Laura
-
Hi Laura
You weren’t too tough on me – you were very caring .
I have put extra barriers in place and I have cut off all access -I hope . I also feel I am Over the binge .Sounds like you are having a really nice time and enjoying good company – that’s he way life should be – you are right -life is short and we should make the most of every moment .
Mega thank you for all your support of late – it helped more than you will ever know xx -
So good to read IDI, I’m glad you are over the binge. You’ve got dreams to live!
I’ve been crazy busy. My son’s car has broke down again for the last time I’m afraid as it is not fixable. So we’ve been scrambling to help him find a car. Daunting task when you need something trust worthy on a budget for a long commute each day. As he just finished college he can’t take on too much. And he needs it in a hurry. Got about half my paperwork sorted. I wouldn’t know what being a healthy person is like or what id do with my free time. Going to be a busy week ahead. Touching base in between. Now I’m going to rest my aching back! Hope you are all doing well.
Laura -
Ooooh your boat trip sounds lovely!
How’s the car search going?
I got back from the camping trip today. We had a lovely time. Sooooo relaxing. Basically sat sat sat all day and night!
The bird life was brilliant. I’m not really a bird person, but there was this peacock with the huge tail who kept coming around our camp and lifting that huge fan up….I think he was practicing for mating season…it was AMAZING!!!!
Got some great pics too.
Back to work tomorrow, I have Tuesday off this week, will spend it mopping my floors lol.
Anyways, hope you are getting that paperwork sorted, sounds like a small nightmare!!!
Talk soon, love K xxx -
-
-
Hi everyone, thanks for checking in on me! Paperwork almost all completed. A couple more important tasks to complete and then it’s just putting it all back where it came from! Found a car, had to increase our budget but he should have a reliable drive for many year to come. My old dog and best friend had a rough spell and we had to put her down this week as well. And even though I made it out to a few social events this weekend I find myself quite sad and down in the dumps. I’m hoping to catch the 10pm London time chat tonight. Time to get back into a routine! Take care everyone, Laura
-
-
thanks IDI. I’m finding myself quite teary today. I’m really missing her. We were together for a very long time. She was always there. I got some of that paperwork packed away. I’m hanging out in group but will leave a few minutes early. I’m going for a walk for the first time without my companion. Meeting my sister. I need the company tonight. Hope to catch up soon. Laura
-
I am sorry for your loss. I would be devastated if anything happened to bailey. You are grieving as anyone wouldand u need time to grieve. When my daughters dog was put down she grieved for months, the dog was part of the family. Life isn’t easy at the moment for us it would seem. Here’s hoping for some respite.
-
thanks so much Monica. I am missing her a lot. And yes my mood is affected. All sad and sorry. I am also playing catch up from the past year and a half of disability. I have almost got all my paper work done, ugh there is so much. I was nearly finished of one electronic form and it didn’t save my work. Sigh, so I had to start again after wasting a whole day at it. The only reason I have to file the thing is because I was late filing something else! Vicious cycle. Housework is a constant chore and I find I’d rather sleep and binge watch shows. I made it to the hairdresser but still need to do my own colour and I have a wedding tomorrow. Not to mention the whole what to wear thing. I think I’m rather depressed! But this too shall pass. I plan on being in group in a few minutes as long as my sister doesn’t pop in early, I’m expecting her. I hope everyone is hanging in there. I will try and check in with as many as I can. Have a good weekend. xo Laura
-
Thanks for your post on my thread. More paperwork huh? So much of it and it takes up so much time. So work soon for you. Do what I did, try it and see what happens and I pray for the strength to continue on a daily basis as I find the long days not easy. Butmwork for me helps shake off any depressed feelings. . I miss the groups and you and idi but must try and keep it up as find myself too tired during the week. Hope to chat soon.
-
It seems as if you have a lot going on right now and things seem tough but please remember; Tough times never last tough people do!
You will get through this. Stay positive, and upbeat as much as possible. Life is beautiful even with the peaks and valleys. Have a great time at the wedding and enjoy your weekend!
You can do this! -
Hi Laura
Sorry to hear you are feeling low – the loss of a pet is so huge and the house has such an emptiness – when we lost our beloved first dog it was so unbearable – the house felt so cold and empty. Our new little dog (we have her five years now) could never replace the old dog but we soon loved her just as much .I miss our chats with Monica too. I too have been trying got get to bed earlier – I think looking after our health is so important in recovery .
We have asked for earlier groups but it seems GT staff don’t listen, and I guess the fact that we stay up later than we should sometimes makes it look like the group times are successful.
Keep strong – be extra kind to yourself – and treat yourself often . You are a little fragile right now so you deserve pampering xx
-
I hope this finds you feeling a little better.
Your paperwork is horrendous! Why oh why is there always so much of it?????
I have today off. Going to babysit for Brea for a few hours then getting my hair done….just s touch up. We are going camping tomorrow, im only working half a day and Dames is picking me up from work. Back Sunday. Its the football Grand Final weekend here so Friday is a public holiday. It is going to be FREEZING and im dreading it a little bit!!! Hate being cold. No power where we are going so lots of layers, coats, beanies and a roaring fire. Its meant to be Spring here, but its still winter weather. I cant help but wonder if we will have a really hot summer. I will never complain about the heat again, its been too cold for too long.
Every time you walk think of your beautiful girl. Im sure she is running around in dog heaven feeling amazing! She was lucky to have you as her momma!!!!
Take care my lovely friend,
K xxxxx -
Thanks all for your supportive posts. I had read them all at the time. Gives me a boost.
I’ve been sooooo busy and then down and out for a couple of days. Physically ! Lot’s of rest later I’m feeling a bit better.
Got my basement half cleared. Loads of stuff gotten rid of. I will soon have a completely clutter free home. And hopefully a clutter free mind! Take care everyone. I won’t be on this evening either. Have to visit a friend.
Hope you all managing. Catch up when I can. Laura
-
-
-
Hi Laura
You are doing the wise thing posting here about your stress in life.
It allow your fellow recovery buddies in here to remind you that stress was no good excuse to gamble.
Every stories remind us it is not worth it to gamble, it is far more painful, stressful and disastrous with gambling.
I was foolish to made matter worst than it was before with gambling. I ended up with much more stress.
-
thank you so much for your post Kin. I’m still here. Still stressed but found part of the reason why it has seemed so much worse lately. Yes there are more reasons to be stressed but I also made a calculation mistake when cutting back on some medication and that is leading to a lot of me extreme emotions and how I am feeling. So hoping things will improve now that I have identified and can correct. I’m in group chatting at the moment if anyone is free. xo
-
-
Hi Laura, Thank you for your support!
This is just my thought and feeling on grey areas. I am speaking for myself. Grey area does not apply to everything in life, especially in gambling and other addictions, either you are gambling or you are not gambling, there is no in between. How many addicts is not acting in one addiction but acting out in another because of grey areas. I will not go into the reasons given because there are just too many.
I remain an imperfect person in recovery but I was a better person than before.
-
Hi Laura
Congratulations on being close to a clutter free home. I am taking your post as a signpost – every time I pray I feel God is screaming trying to reach and motivate me to work on my messy home.
It must feel so good- I think perhaps we Hold on to clutter for fear of needing to sell junk to get us out of a mess or perhaps gambling is so consuming we didn’t have time to keep on top of things?
It must be the best feeling – and you must have such confidence about inviting People to visit .Sorry to hear about the meds affecting your mood-good luck with work xx
-
Thanks so much for your posts. I hear you Kin and your point of view. So many ways to look at things. I Just found when I was too strict with too many things I would have a blow out. Like trying to hold everything in until the pressure gets too much. But we are each dealing with our own personalities, addictions, situations etc. What is for one is not necessarily for all!
IDI I think my clutter got so out of control because of physical health problems and my addiction. As well as lack of support around the house. Then add some reno’s to the mix without things being properly moved or sorted and my basement level became instant chaos or so it seemed. I have a lady coming today to help me do some more sorting clearing and cleaning.
Work is going ok. Spinal cord damage and sitting too long is resulting in wicked muscle cramps in my legs. Will be medicated today. I may make the 11pm London time group tonight but forgive me if I’m sleeping!
I was thinking a little earlier that it would have been 9 years gamble free the end of the month if I wouldn’t have gone slightly off the rails for a while. Thank heavens for barriers as it kept the financial damage to a minimum. In that time I’ve managed to improve my credit. That new car I always wanted, I have it. On payments but I can make them. A cleaning lady, I have one. Travel? Well as much as I could I have. All the things we are trying to win would be just as likely if we stopped gambling and invested all that time into ourselves.
Keep your eye on the real prize. A gamble free, satisfying and productive life.
take care,
Laura -
-
Hey Monica, I started a post earlier today. I waited in chat on my own for quite a while and then got distracted. Lost the post along the way.
So, Amazing what difference a few days can make. No way to sugar coat it, I gambled. A couple of times last week after work. Just stupidity. Credit cards have been creeping up and starting to get worried. I didn’t put up much of a fight with the thoughts.
I want to think I have reinforced the lesson that it isn’t worth it. I can never gamble in a controlled manner. I will never “get ahead” gambling. It won’t solve one thing in my life and only create more problems. The damage is minimal so now is the time to remember where this took me before.
Think I’ll sign out of group early and go rest up for work tomorrow. Pray for strength for me. Take care,
Laura -
-
-
??
Hi Laura
Sorry to see that you’ve gambled. I hope you get yourself straight back into recovery.
Take care.
Geordie.
-
-
-
thanks for your prayers and thoughts everyone. Quick note to say i haven’t continued gambling. Crazy busy this week between medical appointments and work. Not sure how I’m going to make it through! No room or time to gamble. No urges either. Not avoiding everyone just no time for posting this week. I’ll try and catch up on the weekend. One day at a time xo
-
-
Hi Laura,
I am so sorry to hear that you have gamble.
Below was an exercise that a doctor suggested to me close to 20 years ago, she told me to write down my thought, feeling and action plan.
In the past
My Thought
I have huge credit card debt and I was worried I cannot pay up on time.
My Feeling
I felt very anxious, impatient, fearful and insecure.
My Action Plan
I decided to gamble. This is the quickest way to increase my money.
Nowadays
My Thought
I still have credit card debts. I was worried, but if I do not gamble, there will not be new gambling debt and the current one will not grow bigger. Slowly and surely, the debt will be repaid and reduced over time and fully paid up one day.
My Feeling
Calm and patient, and hopeful
My Action Plan
I decided to spread out my repayment plan over a longer period of time to make sure my family and living expenses was not affected and also, to ease my stress and burden.
I accepted and tolerate the truth. I learn to live with my debt.
I hope you find this exercise helpful
-
-
-
thanks Velvet for checking in on me. It is truly appreciated. I’m back on the wagon remembering the waste of time it is and the danger it truly poses. Just surviving day to day at the moment due to lack of planning on my part. Working on it for next week. One day at a time. It can be hard when you fear there isn’t enough time in each day to stay on track with life. Time to make my schedule for next week.
Laura
-
-
thankyou for your post and all the ways you help by sharing your exerience and knowledge. It’s not an easy path and I’m glad to have friends here who share the journey. The ups and the downs. I’m doing ok. Gambled twice but it’s been over a week and I don’t have urges just random thoughts. Not sure how I believed that the possibility of short term pain was a good price to pay for the chance of a large gain. I almost made things worse. I need to focus my thoughts and your excercise is a good way to help do that. I need to make my list of tasks to do and start tackling them. I feel rather untethered sometimes but need to take responsibility. Hope you are doing well.
Laura
-
-
Little energy this evening. Tough week so I deserve to treat myself with kindness. Sorry I can’t seem to support others right now with posts. I’m having a hard time focusing on what I need to get done myself. There is lots! I’ve asked to lower my house payment to try and buy me some breathing room. I need to tackle my credit card balances. I can’t afford to mortgage the house further. I’d run the risk of losing it then. It was only reaching out for help in the first place that kept me from losing it years ago. I refuse to throw it all away again. I need to remember that. Engrave it in my mind. It is all so unbelievable really. What I’m willing to risk! For something that only hurts me. Good to see a few in chat this evening. Got to go.
-
I can’t imagine having to deal with a chronic illness. It must be hard and very tiring. It’s okay to put your energy on self care now. If I don’t stop my gambling, I risk losing 2 homes. I won’t do a second mortgage on either as I’m afraid of getting in too deep. I’m sure the mortgage company will work with you. They are usually helpful. It is unreal what we will risk to gamble. Take care of yourself.
-
Hi Laura
I know a lot of things have been going on with you and your finances – and that these things triggered a relapse. Can I ask are you stopped now?Read Monica’s recent post – we can overcome anything – it is wise to reorganise your repayments so that you don’t lose anything that is important to you .
I am going to set a reminder on my phone for the 2pm group – I hope you can make it .
-
-
Hi everyone,
I’m still stopped. Had those two freak sessions. One of which was to chase losses. Not interested. I ended up with a really sore back and down a little. Was nothing earth shattering. Just a reminder that gambling is POINTLESS for me. It has no up side, only a down. Work is tough but I guess I knew it would be. They are getting my GT time. Group now open!
-
-
I read your thread this morning but it has taken me all day to be able to get to this computer.
Biggest hugs to you my friend. I read the stress in the pre gambling posts, thank God you didn’t do too much damage.
I have a lot to post on my thread, and will get to that when Dames goes to bed. He cant cope with the clicking noise of my fingers on the keyboard….(also cant cope with chewing noises!!!)
So, sending you lots of love, good thoughts, and the relief that it wasn’t toooo bad. Thanks for reminding me that there Is simply no point to gambling, and that we are only one thought away from the next bet.
Hopefully things will settle, financially, work wise and home wise…..I get the lazy family bit, im living that too!!!!!
Love ya girl, ill be back on later,
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx -
Thanks for your uplifting message on my journal means a lot . I hope you are coping well with life and all it is throwing at you, sometimes it can all be to much believe me i have been there and still am, so anytime you need to message your problems or whatever feel free to message me on my journal. Nick . X
-
thank you so much Nick for your offer of support. It means a lot. Pain and disability much like gambling can cause isolation. Thanks Kathryn ?? your posts always uplift me. Your excitement for life is infectious. I will try and get caught up with you soon! Keep steady IDI, hope you have a good rest of the week.
I’m gearing up for a work day after having a few days off to try and recover or regroup from the shifts done so far. Tomorrow is a big day with physio and medical appointments. Living the life! Not. But hey, gambling would only make it worse.
Laura -
…is wealth, Laura but there are some things we can’t control. I wish you all the best with your medical appointments. I need a check up too….BAD at facing health issues. So much easier to gravitate towards the slots for a “cure”!! Makes everything worse as we all know. Sometimes it’s good to isolate, in the right place of course!
-
-
-
-
waking up with morning coffee. Hope to do group in a few minutes. My body is not wanting to go along with the plan to feel better! Aching all over. Challenging times. Rehabilitation, threats of income being taken away, delayed payments from my disability insurance. My past gambling sure didn’t help me. I should be sitting on a nest egg, my home paid off, small car loan. So don’t know why I thought gambling would be the answer. It’s been a few weeks or longer. I’d have to check my bank statement. Funny how ashamed it makes me feel to see those withdrawals in a neat little line on my account. But at the time I’m taking it out it is nothing. I need to stay strong. I can’t give up on everything. One day at a time.
-
-
Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread, it was lovely seeing your name there, I know you have been going through a bit of a tough time so I really appreciate it.
If I had never gambled…….I think about that sometimes. I don’t think its healthy to dwell on, but hey, its reality.
In saying that, if I hadn’t of gambled I wouldn’t have met all the lovely people here, I doubt I would appreciate my life near as much, my family and friends and the little things that make me happy. I choose to look at the positive. I don’t think theres any other way to be…..
Anyways, I hope your appointments went well, and that things are starting to sort themselves out.
Take care my lovely friend,
K xxxxxxxxxxx -
Good morning, you are quite welcome IDI, that’s what recovery friends are for.
Always good to get a post K. My last post seemed a bit depressing but I think I was just trying to pound into my head that gambling isn’t going to fix anything, it never did in the past! So why would it now? I had a little slip few weeks maybe even a month ago now. No need to go back to the madness.
I too try to stay positive mostly. Being grumpy doesn’t fix anything! There are difinitely positives from my past experience. As you say, making many friends in recovery, here and in my GA group. I have a lot more empathy for those with addiction having walked a mile in their shoes so to speak. I appreciate family, friends, relationships and time together so much more. I also learned a lot about myself and what my expectations were of life and my partner. So not all bad! Of course I’ve been climbing out of the hole I dug gambling for a long time now. I’d like to think I’m out of it, I just stumble round the edges a bit stupidly!
Easy day for me today I think unless I feel up to pushing myself a bit later. It’s a holiday and i’ve got a lovely cold. Had to cancel plans this weekend. Pray for my health please, I need all the help I can get. Take care everyone,
Laura -
-
made it through another week. Nothing new or exciting to report.
Blew a few hundred on Thursday which nearly made me sick. Good news it was on sensible things like a new pot and pans for baking. Some Christmas shopping as well! And groceries. I felt a little ill at how much I’d spent but then I reminded myself it was on life and not gambling.
Getting over this cold still. It will be a quiet weekend of house chores and getting ready for the work week ahead. I slept in today so feels like half my Saturday is gone. Chat is quiet, no one around this morning. I was late as I’d slept in. Hope to catch a group or two over the weekend. Stay strong everyone. No matter what, it is worse with gambling. ODAAT.
Laura -
Wow that weekend blew by. Sunday night and not nearly ready for work tomorrow. Time to throw in a load of laundry and take care of a few things. I worry about the new members not getting enough support. But I can’t post a lot right now. I hope they try the groups or use the support line. ODAAT, life is better without gambling in it. Laura
-
-
-
-
work, continued physical rehabilitation, dealing with daily life stuff like paying bills, shopping etc just sucking up most of my energy and time. I still am on several medications to help with my pain and refuse to take any more. I stay connected with friends and family as much as possible.
That was something I gained in recovery. I had isolated so much when gambling that I had shut almost everyone out of my life. As I focused on my recovery I made an effort to reconnect with those people that I loved and missed.
So I’m sorry I’m not here much now but there truly isn’t much of me left at the end of the day, the end of the week. On the rare occasion I feel up to it I try and do SOMETHING. Friday night I was out to a party where several musicians entertained. It was a wonderful good time!
Today I’m out to celebrate my mother’s birthday with family. But first a chat with Bettie! Anyone who wants to pass on a message let me know.
take care and keep going!
Laura -
Thank you for your post on my thread. Always a delight to hear from you and your wise counsel which sounds to me like very good advice. Things have settled with resting but I will go to a walk in if it starts up again. Also struggle with energy and time to post so really understand only being able to deal with work etc. Have just done the one group this week.
Well,done on keeping things going with work and social life. Xmas coming soon so hopefully for you a good long break. Hope to catch you inchat soon. -
-
-
-
Didn’t have to wait at all! Was good to catch up a little with IDI and Henno.
Thanks for your post Monica and checking in on me IDI. It was another exhausting week. But I’m accomplishing more each week so I’ll ***** that as a win. It is all a balancing act.
Christmas shopping is almost finished, my bills are paid for the most part and i’m not stressing too much about money. Ok well maybe a little. But it’s not because I’ve been gambling!
I haven’t been perfect this past nine years but what a difference it has made in my life. I couldn’t imagine where I’d be now if i’d kept going on that same path.
Doing a big grocery shop after lunch with my son. Have to get ready for another work week. Very mundane stuff these days but i’m grateful for a job and the means to take care of myself and my family. I lost so much through gambling and disability that I realize it could be a lot worse if I didn’t have a good job. Blessings! I’ll ***** every one I can find.
That’s my little update for the week. Probably all that a person will be able to manage for a while. Now going to check in on a couple of people before I do the next group. On in less than a half hour.
Laura -
-
-
Thanks for checking on me IDI and good morning to all my GT friends. Posting a little update to say yes I’m still alive. I’m either busy or resting it seems. Not much in between. Did manage to make it to a Christmas party with friends last night. Had a wonderful time. Just out of bed in time to check group but everything there is quiet. I am grateful to be pretty much ready for Christmas. Just the wrapping to do and a couple of gift certificates to pick up. I am also grateful that I don’t have a gambling hangover with thousands in losses wracked up while I try to win enough for Christmas. Those days are in the past and I need to always leave them there. I want to wish everyone a gamble free Christmas! Whether it is the beginning of your journey or you are well on your path. That is the foundation for a better tomorrow. Take care,
Laura xo -
-
-
Merry Gamble Free Christmas Vera and all! And sorry I missed you IDI. I will try and catch the 10pm your time group this evening if you are around. Sorry I was on the phone and missed you and Jen. And she you and Jen missed each other. Maybe we need to make a date? So we know each other will be there. Laura
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Wok .
I have just discovered there is no way to block or restrict what I need to restrict so I guess it’s bye bye iPhone .Gonna check out new phone- I use many apps to stay in touch wit family and friends around the world so it will need to be a smart phone with Greater parental restrictions .
Thanks for this Laura
-
let me know if you need a new random number for a bit longer yet. Protect your trip!! Visualize the money is gone and then what? Go to someone with a lame story because now you don’t have money for the trip? Not challenging, trying to protect you from what could happen. Only way I know how is this way. xo you deserve a life with choices.
luv Laura
-
So wow, a really long time since I updated. Thank you all for the new year wishes. I hope it’s a gamble free New Year for all. I wish I had more time to post. Perhaps I’ll get a new bigger phone and do it more from the couch or bed. I wonder if my cheap tablet has a dictation function? That might work too. I haven’t gambled in the New Year. I had a couple slips in 2018. But think it was a lot to do with going back to work and driving again and not affirming in my mind that I was a non gambler. I’ve been doing pretty good since then. If the thought pops in my head I remind myself I don’t gamble and that it will just cause me more back pain. Wish I could say I was living a pain free life but the return to work has brought a level of pain with it. The question will be how much I can tolerate. I continue to go to physio and try and do the exercises given to me when possible. I am hoping that there will be enough progress at the end of the day to allow me to live somewhat pain free working a part time week. I hope all my GT friends are doing well. I miss you all. I will try and catch up some more before this weekend passes me by. Had a cleaning lady in again yesterday to help me do some deep cleaning and she also did my bathroom for me. My housed smelled wonderful when she left yesterday. It gave me such a lift. Today I just had to tidy up after breakfast and I didn’t have to spend the whole day doing as much as I could. I am going to have to schedule her regularly. When I was gambling I could never have considered such a thing. My new car is nearly a year old and a pleasure to drive. I wouldn’t have been able to make those payments if I was gambling. My bottom was October 28, 2009. I have not been perfect since then but have almost 7 years clean in there. I will remind myself that it is today that counts. Take care!
Laura -
Great to see you posting, Laura. You have come a long way since 2009. As you say, it’s all about TODAY. I am so glad you are enjoying your car and can afford a Cleaning Lady. My Cleaning Lady is a man-my husband. I’m ashamed to say, I’m very critical of the standard of his work.He has dis-improved over the years. The reality is we are not getting any younger. This house /garden are too big and we have NO HELP. I feel very guilty that I don’t do more work. I have plans to change all that…….. I really do hope and pray you get relief from your pain, Laura. Is there any way you could go on long term disability from work? The Social Welfare system here allows for that. It’s really not worth it when you are pushing yourself every day. Being gamble free and seeing the reward is a bonus that you deserve. Thanks for making the effort to post on your phone. I can only use a laptop. Never bought a smart phone. Never will.
-
Hi Laura,
Thank you for taking the time to post some encouraging words on my thread. Recovery for me was not perfect too, everyday was one day at a time and this journey is for a lifetime. I wish you success in staying gamble free! May you have peace, joy, happiness and good health in the year 2019! -
-
-
Thank you all for your messages! I’ve been very busy with appointments, part time work and my commute. I’m also tackling more projects around my home. They take me forever without a lot of help. My cleaning lady stood me up today. Just didn’t show. Not the first time. I’m going to have to find someone new. But it can be hard to find someone trust worthy. If my company can’t hurry up with the bureaucracy that would allow me to do most of my work from home I may have to file for disability Vera. Right now I’m just hanging in there. The only good thing right now is i’m not losing my shirt every day gambling. Today I will not gamble. Stay strong, Laura xo
-
-
-
Thanks for the positive messages. This good egg feels like she is cracking sometimes! I finally received the go ahead and am not commuting all the time. Good thing as I am dealing with more medical issues. Still not gambling. It’s not that I don’t think about it because I do. I just keep moving myself on. Once home I am in my safe zone. So more time home means more safe zone. Thinking about my GT friends. Laura
-
-
checking in! Work has been extremely stressful with lots of changes going on. Wish I could say I haven’t gambled. I have. A couple times ?? No financial damage but I always feel awful. Hoping to catch a group tomorrow. 2pm London time. I’m setting a reminder! Hope my GT friends are doing better than me! talk later!
-
-
Trigger is finances! Always seems to be the one for me. I have a friend coming to spend a week and we are doing a bit of site seeing together. Rooms and food. Nothing major but always figure I can win enough for that. I did. But…. we all know the end to this story. I went back again and lost my “winnings”. For me there will never be and never is winnings, only losses. Personal and financial. Off to chat! Laura
-
I am glad u r back Laura. I think sometimes when we don’t post for a while we enter the danger zone. It has been over a week for me and conscious I must do it. Odd when the trigger is finances, we do something that just makes it worse. I am still sitting on massive debt but I never feel like gambling as a means to help with that. It never ever will work for me. I know that In the deepest way one can know that so it is not an option.Total non gambling for me is the only way as once I start I can’t stop.it isn’t fun either, like an allergy to peanuts. Hope to catch u In group soon.
-
- ??? ??? ? ?????.