[Hope1]

well, I’m back after a long time. I just got weary, and decided I had to ride the roller coaster  and take my chances. Sometimes you get tired of talking and nothing changes.  My son has had problems since being 18. He’s now 28. He’s now in a good job and doing well, for how long who knows because he takes lots of sick time off with anxiety. He earns good money, but never has any, he says he’s not gambling, I think he is, he is deluded and sys he isn’t but all the signs are there. He has lost his long term girlfriend because he has let her down so mY times.  He’s now spent three days barricading himself in the bedroom, he’s says he’s not happy and he can’t cope.  Yes, and he still lives at home, and pays nothing for his keep which he agreed to do so.

its an absolute disaster and I’m so tired of it all, but I love him, I can’t throw him out because I know he wo t survive. One thing I do know is that he is burdened with mental health issues, but he won’t get help.

just thought I would touch base, probably because I feel desperate .  You will no doubt remember me velvet.

hope 1 

[Paul Dent]

A familiar theme today – unfortunately in supporting him you are also enabling him to continue to live the way he does. Have a look at the Stepchange (www.stepchange.org) website in terms of debt management and try to connect with one of us to talk through your issues. We now have advisers available from 8am until 12pm that can offer you support in your very difficult cirumstances

[velvet]

Hi Hope
Of course I remember you.
I am sad that you are still involved in the cycle of a gambling addiction but I am so pleased you knew you could return even if you thought that you were probably going to hear nothing new.
You have been physically barricaded out of your son’s bedroom for three days but I suspect you have been mentally barricaded out for a long time by a wall of non-communication, built to prevent him taking responsibility for his poor behaviour. He is hanging on to his nest without his finances being affected thus freeing up money to indulge his addiction.
He is behaving like an active CG who intends to do nothing about his problem which means he will be unhappy but it seems to me he is still trusting that one day his addiction will turn up well for him and he will show the world that he knew what he was doing. Where do you want to be in five years time? It is a difficult question but I know this addiction takes its toll, from those who are closest, for as long as they allow it.
Of course you love him although I would have understood if you had said that your feelings had been stretched to the limit!
In a way, strangely, I am sorry he is in a good job that possibly pays well because while he can live with you and fund his habit he will struggle to reason out why he should face his demons. I suspect that he blames his girlfriend for the breakdown of the relationship because if he accepted that it was a consequence of his poor behaviour, he might have to take responsibility and responsibility is something he is clearly avoiding on every level – at the moment.
You write ‘mental health issues’ – do you suspect he has other issues apart from the addiction to gamble? The addiction to gamble can be at the root of many difficult behaviour such as depression and violent mood swings which can disappear when the addiction is controlled.
Has he left home before and if so how did he manage and why do you feel he would not survive now? I have a vague memory Hope of the support that you had from family and friends but I don’t want to assume that it is correct – it would be good if you would refresh my memory.
In this first reply I can only suggest that you poke details of local GA meetings and possibly information on this site and/or the GMA organisation under his door – our Helpline is, as ever, one-to-one, anonymous and private. Your son might not be receptive to talking but he might read something to point him in the right direction even if he does screw it up and throw it away.
The addiction to gamble does cause tremendous anxiety but that anxiety is also dragging you down so I hope you have on the ground support. I will of course be here for you for as long as you want me to be and the groups are often attended by other mothers so please look in – ‘talking’ in real time is very different and usually productive.
Keep posting too
Velvet

[notworthit]

Kids are a lot stronger than we give them credit for and he won’t know his own strength if he isn’t tested.

[Tosca]

Hi Hope, I’ve been away from the forum for quite a while too and am also in the same situation as you and feeling desperate. I have just been re-reading Velvet’s CG and CH cycle post and trying to gather my wits and strength. My CG is currently holed up in his bedroom playing games and avoiding the world as he has just lost yet another job. I have not had the energy to tackle him properly recently.
I think you know you are right, if all the evidence is there. I hope you are feeling better now than when you posted. I have to believe there is a way through this. One thing I try to remind myself is that if some of the things we try don’t work, it doesn’t mean we were wrong to try, or should blame ourselves. And sometimes you need to take care of yourself first and regroup and that’s fine too. x

[???]

?