I gambled late last night and all day. Lost more money. Great success I am.

Day 1 starts now.

Today is day 1 and it’s hard. All I can do is think about gambling for some reason. I don’t have much money left. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs. The only money I have us borrowed.

It’s strange how addicted we become to placing a bet. When thunking about it it’s just dumb. To risk money that we have or don’t have on the outcome of a sport or flip of a card. Another person on here was correct when saying the house has the edge. Even though it’s a small edge on some game they will get you eventually. It’s just math. Today is day 1 and there will be no more. The disease have taken it’s last chunk of my life from me. Later gambling.

It’s such a strange disease. I have been doing it for over 20 years now. I had the best times in my life this last year when I wasn’t gambling. It’s weird to me that I know I felt best then and had the best time in my life. But yet continue down a road of destruction. And for what? Some money that doesn’t change anything once you do have it.

I just deposited $1200 into my bank account. So I do actually have a little cash. I owe about 20K to credit cards at the moment. I will not gamble today. That’s all I’m working on. I will not gamble today! One day at a time.

I’m sorry your chest is hurting you brother. I did some breathing techniques yesterday and stretched a bit. It felt good to just do something for me. Maybe you could try that for a few minutes?

Jon

Hi Charles,

I’m not gambling today. That is my main focus for the moment. I talked to family members about helping me. Not sure that is an option at the moment. I have stopped gambling for 100 days in the past and will again. I’m not going to gamble ever again. I’m done. I accept that I can’t win or if I can that I won;t leave until it’s gone. I understand who and what I am when it comes to gambling. Gambling is a loser. If I gamble so am I.

Jon

Thanks Brendan, I appreciate the insight. I did my research too and believe I may have saw the same study. If it’s the dame one I watched it shows that after some time our brains actually change due to gambling. This is scary for sure but It is what it is.

All I can do is stop. I had one urge today but just said to myself I know how that ill turn out and just let it pass.

Much love,
Jon

Happier today for sure. My back is feeling better and I haven’t gambled the money I have in my checking account. Game on life!

I relapsed. I am so freaking depressed right now.

I quit gambling for 3 or 4 days. On my way into work I see that I have a message from the sports book. They gave me a $250 bonus. I was like, what the hell. I’ll double it up and pull it out or loose it and not gamble anymore.

I double it up Then I double it up again. Then I double it up again. I have $1800 in my account. Then I make a $1000 wager and hit that. I have 3k in the account. I bet again and hit another $1000 bet and have 4k in the account.

That same day I got an MRI. It turns out that I will need back surgery as soon as possible and will be out of work for close to 2 months.

This makes me go a little crazy and I start pressing. I start playing craps online and turn it into $6800. I stop and say to myself. Wholly crap. That gets you close to 33% out of debt. Stop now and start withdrawing. I try to withdrawal and they account says I can’t. I have to turn in a bunch of paperwork to the online folks so they can verify who I am. I do that.

It’s about 1am and I say to myself go to bed. I walk the dog and before I can even get back I’m like try to turn it into 10k. That would be perfect I think. Then I’ll stop.

Well the story is always the same… I gambled big until about 6am and stopped with pretty much nothing. I lost the rest the next day. I then preceded to deposit every last cent I had and overdraft my account again by $500 or so.

Of course now I’m besides myself. I need surgery. I’m broke and will be out of work. I owe so much money to everyone.

So many things have gone wrong in my life. So many things have gone right in my life. I have been blessed so many times. My bad habits have led me down so many bad paths. I have been a drug addict for 25 years (Pot). I have cost myself numerous relationships, jobs, and opportunities because of the gambling and weed. I want to stop both and just live a sober and action free life. Why is it so hard? Why is so hard to just be good to myself. I’ve read a lot on here how people with gambling problems want to self destruct and hurt themselves. Maybe thats what I’m doing and have done. I know I’ve hated myself for a number of years. I honestly can’t remember when I liked myself that much. I pretend I do well.

It’s insane that I am back on here after my 5th relapse in a year and having won and lost so much and just could;t ever stop gambling.

Tomorrow is my last day 1. I will never gamble again. I’m opening up a joint account with my mom and will be calling all my cards and telling them that I lost the cards and give the new ones to my mom when they arrive. That way I won’t have the card numbers memorized and be able to do what I just did. I’ll have one card that I can’t deposit on a sports book with a $300. I’m going to not have any money to gamble with moving forward.

I’ll get this surgery in the next 2 months. I’ll have to move in with my mom to recover. She has been nice enough to offer me a place to stay while I rehab my back.

I have a lot to work on. I believe my career is decent enough that I can do this surgery and get back to work when it’s done. It will take me roughly 1-2 years to pay back this debt.

It’s just crazy because I had a run where I won $5k, and 2k, and 3k, and now that $6800. Add it all up and that’s close to the entire amount I’m in debt. Why the hell could I not just stop and withdrawal that money? I hate that I have to stop gambling because I can’t control it! I feel like I do win at it. My problem is that I can never stop. I can’t stop chasing a number that I can never reach. For a guy like me. I have lost so much that I can never stop chasing unless I win over 100k-150k at this point. Gees I’ve messed up. My life is so horrible right now. I felt good for a few days not gambling and thinking my back was getting better. Now that’s all gone. I’ve gambled won and lost a fortune and am now feeling so horrible that I’m going to take 3 pain pills and just pass out and try to forget my life.

My sister lives in a multi-million dollar home. My other sister lives in a multi-million dollar home. They are both happily married. My brother has recently this last year stopped smoking, eating meat, and stopped drinking and doing drugs. He is doing much better now. I notice how much different he is and has been without all the poisons in him.

I’m not the type of person that wants to kill himself. I love the challenge of life. But this shit has to stop or there will be nothing left of me. I’m scared I have passed all the good moments and am scared of the future for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t living paycheck to paycheck for a coupe years as I was able to save quite a bit. But them I just went on some horrible losing streaks. This last 19-20 months has been so bad. I just want it all to end.

I’m scared of who I am. I say that I want to stop. I say that I want a better life. But what do I continue to do. I ask fro help. I admit I need help. I continue to gamble. What the heck is wrong with me?

Hello All,

So i just can’t stop. It’s so hard. I keep gambling away every cent I can muster.

I have blocked myself from all websites I’ve used. But there are about 2600 of those so not sure how that’s going to to help.

My mom and I are working on me turning over every way possible for me to have access to cash or credit. This sucks pretty bad. I can’t believe I can’t hold onto money at my age. I can’t believe that i am so weak and this addiction controls my every thought. I just want my life back. I can’t stop thinking about the money I lost or trying to get it back. But it always ends the same. I win one or two or three and then give it all back. Last night I deposited money into my account and literally started crying because I hated myself so much.

A forty one year old man crying because he can’t control himself.

I just hope to god one year from now I can say I’m debt free and gamble free. 2 years ago I was on top of the world. Now I feel like I want to put myself 6 feet under it.

This issue is so much bigger then i ever imagined it was. I’m also trying to quit smoking pot too.

I’m not dying I’m never gambling again or this my last day as saying those things hasn’t helped. I’m just not gambling today.

Jon

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I tried to gamble block my computer but found the blocking programs are mainly for PC’s. Do you happen to know if one exists for macs and iPhones?

I’m going to start attending GA meetings again and get a sponsor as well as see someone at UCLA who specializing in gambling addictions.

With my money gone and being watched and accounted for. Counseling and GA in place. And the right state of mind I sure hope I can fight this disease.

I feel like I’m a smart enough person to do this but if I was that smart I wouldn’t find myself in this situation to begin with.

I’m also going to see a life coach about my troubled youth as I have a feeling some of those feelings are still haunting me over 20 years later. I feel I avoided gambling and weed to sort of escape the feelings and pain from that time.

Well. I was able to get day 1 under my belt again.

Thanks,
Jon

Day 3 under my belt. Thinking I can beat this thing. Just need to put a lot of time between myself and the wagers. I just sold my camera for 3K. Will use the money to pay back 1 maxed out credit card. I already called my mom to tell her I had it and would give it to her tomorrow. Day 4 tomorrow. Game on!

Day 3 under my belt. Thinking I can beat this thing. Just need to put a lot of time between myself and the wagers. I just sold my camera for 3K. Will use the money to pay back 1 maxed out credit card. I already called my mom to tell her I had it and would give it to her tomorrow. Day 4 tomorrow. Game on!

I’m on day 7. Had a few urges but feeling better. I have surgery on my back scheduled on Wednesday. Hopefully it’s successful and I’ll be able to resume my old lifestyle physically. If it goes well I’Lp travel for 2 months for work. If I take every cent from that trip and save it I can be close to debt free by then. It still hurts to have lost so much but I know the only way to get it back is to work hard and figure out what I’m passionate about and pursue those dreams and ambitions further.

Btw – No one ever responds to this post. Is it a US thing? haha.

Hi Vera,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I took a couple days off away from the site. I’m on day 9. I had a few urges but they seem to pass if I do something that takes my mind away from that thought. I find that I’m bored and don’t want to do things that are healthy for me. Just want to watch TV and think about losses.

I can’t believe you’ve been on here since 2008. That’s amazing. And good for you to get 350 days under you belt. I’m right behind you at 9. Hehe.

Thanks for your concern about my back surgery. That means a lot. Hows your back feeling today? Did it get any better? Where does it hurt?

Hey Guys,

Today is day 14 I believe. Feels good to get more days. ??

I had back surgery yesterday and am still very sore. I was feeling extremely lonely going into the hospital. I was scared. I didn’t feel like gambling which was good. My mom took a pre-op picture of me which I posted on Facebook and got close to 100 responses wishing me well and 40-50 comments. For some reason it made me feel really good and not so alone. It gave me a little more strength.

I just want to walk normally again. The doctor told my mom when they started the operation that they tested my nerves and I had very little nerve action in my right leg. He explained that by the end of the surgery my nerves were working great. I’m just hoping as the pain and swelling go down that my right leg comes back to life. Fingers crossed.

I am also getting disability which will be great when it arrives. My mom is letting mew stay at her house for a few weeks while I rehab and prepare to maybe go on this trip for work in late January. If I’m able to go on the trip I should be close to close to debt free while I’m gone. I have to find place when I get back and will be needing every cent I can muster. My debt is at around $16k currently. I have about 4K sitting with my mom and some money on the way in. Close to 3-4k. So I think I should be ok. But I have to take it one day at a time and remain gamble free.

I’m very grateful for all of you, my surgery (which was free), my family, and my friends, my dog, and being gamble free for 2 weeks. Yay. Day 14 today. Go day 14!

Yo Brendan,

Thanks for chiming in. Nice to hear from folks on this site. I am gamble free for 15 days now. I feel good about that but am still upset that I gambled so large and lost my savings and more.

As you know I just had a microdiscectomy on my L5/S1 and am slowly recovering. I’m only able to sit around all day. My right leg has atrophied very badly and I’m worried it will never be the same. This usually would lead me to gambling. The crazy thing is that I have $1200 in my bank account and have credit on some of my cards. I could gamble very easily right now if I wanted too. But I’m not going too. I know that gambling is a loosing proposition for me. I can never win back what I lost therefor all I’ll do is continue to chase. Once on the chase I loose site of where I started and when I wanted to stop.

I’m very fortunate for a number of reasons and I like to keep reminding myself of those reasons. I’m very blessed and just need to stop harming myself. I need to let the power of positive energy into my life and let it flow again. The world rewards those who believe in positivity.

I’m also broke. So I’m sure that has something to do with it. Like Vera said, “stopping is easy” it’s the not starting again part that’s very hard. On all of my relapses when I placed that first bet I always felt I had control in my life again and if I won I’d do such and such and be a winner this time. Truth is that I won quiet often and was a decent gambler. The problem is that I am a compulsive gambler. I could have control for 200 straight days but on day 201 I would go crazy and loose 20k in a day. Basically what I’m saying is that no matter what plan I have in place or scheme I’ve figured out I always end up playing to long, chasing money, make poor bets, and end up losing more than I started with. If I could have walked away when I was up I would be up a lot. And knowing that usually makes me go back and try again. I know that I can’t win at gambling because I never know when to pull out. Most stock pickers decide before they buy a stock how much they want to make on it. Maybe 15% or so might be a goal. Us gamblers are crazy… We take $500 into a casino or online and want to make it turn into $2500. That’s a 400% increase over a short period of time. To have that happen in the stock market would be a huge big deal. But to us gamblers that seems natural. This is all the fog that gambling and other addictions pull over us to cloud us from the reality that gambling is very bad.

Thanks Liz. Day 15 done. ?? My back is starting to feel better. My calf is still not working well.

Hi Everyone,

I relapsed and dropped some pretty heavy cash. I got depressed after my back surgery and just wanted to gamble. I was so happy not gambling for those 2 weeks. I gambled for 2 days and broke down and told my mom and her husband. She flipped out at first, as expected. She then finally went and read about gambling, she hadn’t done that yet even though I recommended it so she could understand the disease better. After a couple hours she came to me and told me she was supporting me and was willing to be patient. It made me feel pretty good to have her kind of understand. It gave me strength to have her in my corner. She has control of all my finances at the moment. I paid for and installed bet filter on my computer. I have excluded from every website I’ve gambled on. Went to a GA meeting on Wednesday and will go tonight. I’m doing everything I can to beat this horrible disease. I am very mad that I’ve done this to myself. I know the only way out of this life is to stop and repair the damage.

I just had back surgery for a compressed nerve. The nerve is not better. It is compressed even after the decompression surgery. This means that I will most likely have weakness problems in my leg for the rest of my life. This sucks! What it’s made me think about is that some things are just out of our control. But that other things are. I can control gambling unlike my hurt nerve. I can work the program and get better unlike my damaged nerve. I’m so tired of talking about being a gambler to everyone. The only way to stop is to stop.

I hate to admit that I relapsed yet again. I hate myself for doing it but I don;t want to continue to hate myself. I need to let it go and focus on my new plan for today and better myself.

3racer. I also felt suicidal this week. It’s crazy how my mood will swing from one minute to the next. Listen to this and tell me if it makes you feel better. I think it worked for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKYcowQ3-Qw

Day 3 game the F back on.

I know I do when I gamble. I don’t want to anymore. I want to be happier and will do everything in my power to stop and gain my confidence back.

I had some money in my bank account. I screwed up a bit by leaving it in there. I have pretty much no access to money now. I hate it but I guess it is what it is.

Day 5 for me.

Jon

Hey 3racer and Jay Kay!

Thanks for the kind words. One week down again. The urges aren’t as strong and I have all blocks in place. I can’t gamble electronically at this point and have less then $50 in my pocket at most times. It’s kind of weird asking for my own money but it’s been working so far so lets keep it going. ??

Happy New Year all!

I’m in debt up to my eye balls but feel grateful for many things. Gambling took so much from me. Courage and honor are important words.

Thanks JayKay. That means a lot and I appreciate hearing it. ??

I’m on day 13. One day at a time. Not having access to money and having gamble blocks on the computer are great things for me. Here’s to a gamble free 2017!

I’ve been consumed with my surgery and lack of nerve use in my right leg. It’s a very slow recovery from the surgery. I think it has taken my mind off the gambling. When you lose the ability to walk it kind of puts things more into perspective. I did relapse so many times in the past though so I know that the felling will come back and when it does I need to have everything in place to stop me. Crazy when you talk about yourself in the third person. One day at a time.

Hi Vera,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’ve been very down these last few days. I have a ton of things going on. If you’ve read all my posts you know that I used to have a good amount of money saved. Then of course blew it all. So I moved back into a room at my dads place that he normally rents out. In early November I hurt my back. It was extremely bad. I went to urgent care the next day and they told me to do PT. I asked to get an MRI and was refused. I went back to work taking the pills they gave me. But I think something is wrong. I go back to the urgent care doc the next week and tell him I need to get an MRI. He refuses and then comes out to me as I’m leaving and says he approved the MRI. The MRI can be scheduled two weeks away earliest. So I get through the pain with the pills and then get the MRI. I take the MRI to the Dr and he says I need immediate surgery. The surgeon won;t see me until the approval is made for Workers comp which takes 4 days then I get the surgeon visit 10 days later. He see’s me and approves surgery. The WC people need 5 days to approve and then he schedules me a week later. All in all close to 7 weeks until I get the surgery. During this time my dad sells his house and is moving a few hours away. I get the surgery and am told that I didn’t get the surgery fast enough and that the nerve damage could be permanent leaving me pretty badly handicapped. All this while dealing with a smoking cigarette and weed problem.
I tried to save money but relapsed every time I had a little bit. Now I am broke. Am having to go back to work before I feel I’m ready because I need the money. Basically I have to take a trip next week to another country for 8 weeks. This is a strenuous job that my boss had told me that I don’t have to lift much. I am grateful for the work but am worried because I can barely walk yet and don’t want to reherniate the disk. I have 18K debt currently and about a grand in the bank. I am due another $1k to come in. If I take this trip and all goes well then I’ll be close to debt free when I come.

My dilemma is that I am mad I am broke as I might have been able to make things happen faster for my back. I would;t have had to worry about working like I was and could have just taken time off and gone to a normal doctor from insurance and gotten it looked at. Instead I went the cheap way through workers comp and may have nerve damage. I’m a gambling addict and have gambled everything away. I have currently given all finances or whats left of them to my mom. I have banned myself from every website. I have to say that is getting a little easier day by day. I just can’t relapse. I have to move all my stuff out of my dads place with a bad back which means hiring someone for $600. My mom will let me stay there in her spare room for a week or so given I go to Central America and am out of there soon, am getting close to paying off my debts, and get my own place when I get back.
So I quit smoking cigarettes the day before the surgery and it’s been close to 3 weeks since I had one. That’s good. I quit gambling 13 days ago. So that’s good. I’m starting to save and pay off bills. That’s good. I’m just very scared that my nerve damage is permanent and won’t get better.
Today I started looking at Facebook and LinkedIn and noticed a bunch of old colleagues of mine doing amazing things with their careers and look at me…. Sitting here smoking weed, doing a semi-ok free lance job with shitty benefits. Maybe going to reinsure my back to pay back money that I gambled away, ruined my credit, and most likely can’t get a place when I get back. I also have a little dog that I love to death but he would probably at this point be better off without me now that I can’t walk, pay the bills, put a roof over his head, etc. Looking at how great others are doing, then thinking about myself, and then thinking about all the mistakes that I made, then thinking about why I decided to smoke weed instead of chase after the career I wanted. I’m so mad that I’m at this point in my life.
I don’t want to gamble. But I’m mad as shit that I did this to my life. Nothing I do seems to make me feel better. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m a waste of space. I know I can do better. Why have I chosen these things? I’m so freaking mad!!

Hi Vera,

I called a second surgeon and he won;t see until the 6 week after surgery mark to do another MRI. Of course I’ll be gone by then. I’m looking into getting an MRI while abroad and sending it back to LA for someone to look at. If they say I need to come back then I will at that point. I just don;t know what else to do. I could not go back to work and stay on disability for another few weeks I guess. That would leave my company screwed so they would never hire me back and looking for a job as soon as the disability runs out. It’s lose lose for me.

Hi Vera,

Thanks for responding to my post. I really appreciated it. Of of my problems is that I constantly play the compare game in my head and get down. I think I should be doing better then any of my friends or colleagues. It’s a scary thing how competitive I am deep down inside. That competitiveness definitely played into my compulsive gambling.
By gambling and weed habits I chose to not go to networking parties, chose to take not make time for friends or family, chose to live half in the present and half in the gamble (you all know what I mean, checking scores while trying to do something else), I chose to not pay attention to life going by around me, I chose the wrong direction in my career thinking short term rather than long term, I didn’t go out, I didn’t go out on dates, I didn’t mature….. so many why’s and why nots…. I will not gamble today. Today is my hundredth day 15. I strive to not have a 101th time. One day at a time. Focus on the task ahead…

1. My injury was a work related injury.
2. My doctors will allow me to go back to work when they think I’m ready because I don’t have to lift anything and am in a desk for a couple weeks. They will have to approve me leaving the country and flying on the flight. Getting back to work might not be the worst thing as it’s helping me get my mind off of everything else.
3. I think I answered this.
4. I just got more advise from a new doctor and he pretty much told me to chill and give it time.

I went to PT today and worked out as hard as I could with the PT. He had to tell me to stop and not to over do it. He also told me that I did a good job. I could tell he was happy that I was taking it very serious and working hard. That made me feel better and gave me some more confidence that I might be able to walk normal again. I feel like I’m walking a tiny bit better already. ??

Here’s to not gambling and walking normal again!!! Here’s to good people who care!! Here’s to giving back!!!

Thank you!

Answer 2 correction: They will let me go back when I think I’m ready. They were very open to me taking 4 to 6 weeks off if I felt I needed it. I was also getting close to $1000 a week in disability which was great. I ended yup getting that while over the holiday break which I wouldn’t have worked anyhow.

I got called for 2 jobs today and was offered them if available. Unfortunately I’m working on this project for another 2 months and had to pass. But that makes me feel confident.

Much love for the world that rewards good behavior. Positive energy, loving, giving back, abstaining from bad habits all leads to feeling better and moving forward.

I can’t wait until the day comes that I’m out of debt, and back in the green. I’m seeing other investment opportunities out there that aren’t gambling and wished I’d still had my saving to invest in them. The year I had my savings I made $8000 in the stock market playing very save mutual funds. I need to go back to investing and not gambling. The slow money is the safest. The best stock broker in the world made a return of 40% for a number of years, yet I want to make back all my money now. Doesn’t seem like a recipe for success.

Thanks JayKay. Today is day 16. I’m going to go to GA tonight just to keep off the gambling sauce. It’s weird how the farther you get from the last bet the more control you think you have which leads to placing another bet. I have to remember always that if I place one bet I will place another and end up chasing and hating myself. One day at a time.

Jon

I think you may have misunderstood Charles. I was just saying that to be considered one of the best stock brokers ever you would have a return of 30-40%. Thats the best of the best in history. That’s risking 1 to hopefully win .4 over a years time. Basically I’m saying that if I invested $100 and won $40 in one year I would be considered one of the best of all time. Yet I want to bet $100 and win $100 immediately the same day. If I did that as a stockbroker I would be considered a god and people would think it’s impossible. The idea being that gambling is horribly unsafe, that the numbers we are trying to accomplish are unreasonable. Therefore why even try.

I will not gamble for today. One day at a time.

Day 20 gamble free. Had one urge over the weekend. All in all feeling pretty good about things. Have been able to pay off some debt. That’s good. Still a long road to go. I’m grateful for many things. Life can be challenging. Trying to stay positive.

Hi Everyone! Thanks for reaching out to me. Today is day 28 for me if my calculations are correct. I’m happy about it and making strides to pay off my debt and get back into the green. It is going to be a long road but I’m confident I can do it. I hope all of you guys reading this are doing well also.

Thank you all so much for the support you’ve given me.

Thanks Jay Kay! I hope you are well too. I may be getting a big promotion which is exciting. Positive energy is the best thing ever. I’m slowly feeling better from the back surgery. Nerve damage is a bitch though. The weird thing is that I don;t have any major urges to gamble anymore. At least not for the last few days… I know I’m a gambling addict but am feeling a little better about things. My debts are slowly coming down and having support behind me like my mom has really been a godsend. I’m very grateful that I have 30 days gamble free at this point. One day at a time is the motto.

I hope everyone else on this site is doing well!

Thanks everyone. It hasn’t been easy. Dealing with nerve damage is definitely tough. Day 32 of gamble free.

Not gambling is the only answer.

Thanks,
Jon

Day 35 Gamble free. 1 Day at a time. Some days are easier then others and some are hard. But nothing worth anything should be easy to obtain.

Thanks Vera and everyone else who has been nice to me and taken the time to read and write. I’m still working my job in Belize. I suffered a major set back about a week ago with my back. I think I may have pinched the nerve again and it is finally starting to feel normal. I haven’t gambled which is good and was able to watch the SuperBowl without having any real urge to gamble. Today is the start of day 41. Still upset about my losses. Every paycheck I make for the next few months will completely go to my debt. Hopefully I can continue to get better, will continue to work, and can get myself out of this crazy red hole again and never do this again to myself.

Day 42. Come and gone. Still have a lot of work to do to pay off my debt. But not gambling is getting easier. One day at a time.

Thanks JayKay! Day 47 today. Not feeling great about anything today as I have so much to work on. But things could be worse I suppose. One day at a time. I will not gamble today.

Glad to hear you’re on day 8 Mada. This disease and addiction sure isn’t fun and it’s a pain in the behind to move on from. I’m thankful to meet and learn from people like you.

Our latest gamble free day is the best day.

Jon

I don’t mind at all. Ask anything you want. I like to be honest with myself and others. At least I try my darnedest at it.

Sports online and at the casino – Football, Baseball, Soccer, Tennis, horses, Olympics, Hockey, College Football, Lacrosse, fantasy football, basketball, baseball
Tables online and at casinos – Blackjack, Craps, poker, baccarat, double deck blackjack
Slot Machines: Didn’t play these as much but did play them. Poker, pulls, etc
Lottery – Played scratch offs and the weekly lottery

Basically I loved to gamble and made some big money sometimes. But as you read had some major losses to go with it. The money lost is not as important as the time and opportunity lost.

But not having the security of the money I used to have bugs me quiet a bit for sure but I’m trying my best to let it go.

I have also read studies that gambling does affect us physically. When we place a bet and watch it as it either wins or looses a bit of dopamine is released into our brains similar to a heroin user. The rush for whatever reason feels good to us because it probably helps us not think about things in our lives that are painful and we haven’t gotten over. Or maybe it just feels good. I think we are trying to forget or compensate a feeling of insecurity or whatever… The point being that gambling does release a chemical into our bodies that makes us feel good. Over time and by gambling a lot this can be very bad for you. In some cases it can actually lead to parkinson disease. 5-7% of all people diagnosed with parkinson have or have had a gambling addiction. The number speak for themselves. It seems like ti just takes a few days for this feeling to go away for us gamblers but you will feel it go away at a certain point after you quit.

The scary part is that the study shows more brain activity happening during a loss then a winn. Therefore as gambling addicts we feel more of the dopamine when we lose and even more on a very close loss. SCARY…….

Day 52 gamble free.

Day 65 done. No more gambling for this guy for the foreseeable future. I don’t have that many desires to gamble. I think mainly because I’ve been so busy with work and my back issues.

I got a promotion and changed jobs which helps bring in a bit more money every month. But it’s only for 4 months. So I intend on saving every cent and hopefully be out of debt soon.

Thanks for everyone on here thats cared. I hope everyone else can stop gambling. It’s the only thing we can do in order to have better lives or ANY lives.

Much love!

Day 74. I just posted on my other page. I keep two going because I’m crazy but that’s ok. Happy to not be gambling everyday and every minute. I’m excited to say that I have no plans to gamble today and that I’m taking it one day at a time. Thanks for the kind words jay Kay. I also know I just can’t ever gamble again. If I do I will spiral down to nothingness again. The nothingness gambling fog…

One day at a time.

Day 75 Almost complete. Had my first urge in a little while. I didn’t gamble though.

Day 81 is here. Let’s not gamble today. Woot.

not sure why I feel it’s necessary to inform people on a website.

Day 87 come and gone. I work all day and night. I work on employment and my back. It’s been 5 months since I’ve been back pain free and had regular feeling nerves. It’s been a long haul with gambling as well. I had a few urges just recently. I go an get a donut and there are lottery tickets sitting there. My mind says scratch one… But I don’t. I know what it can lead to an it scares me. My life besides all the back crap has gotten much better since quitting. I still think about the losses though. Hard to let that go. My debts are down to 9K. I have a few grand in the bank. I’ve been able to have access to money and not gamble it. I don’t watch sports anymore and wouldn’t;t even know if its baseball season yet accept that I overheard some guys talking about it somewhere. The ride continues. No more gambling.

Day 89. later.

Hey JayKay. Thanks for checking in. Glad to see you’re on week 19. Crazy how bad it used to be. It’s insane how hard it is to save money even though I stopped gambling. I thought for sure I would be out of debt by now but am fighting everyday to claw out. I’m broke again and still owe close to 10,000. I did close most of my cards. I gave up complete control of my finance for a couple months but felt I could resume control again. I have had access to money for close to a month and don’t have any real urges. I have a donut addiction and the place that has amazing donuts has like 20 lotto tickets under the glass. I’d be lying if I didn’t look at those sons of guns. I know deep inside that I can never gamble again. I gambled for close to 25 years with only a few consistent results that are guaranteed. 1. I will hate myself. 2. I’ll go broke. 3. I’m shittier at life when I gamble and it causes pain all around. So those are pretty good reasons plus about 50 more that I can think of.

I do like to come here to keep the ***** going as I forget the number from day to day. I also really love to read everyones stories on occasion as a reminder how ugly and gross our addiction is. I’m a compulsive gambler and will live gamble free for another day. Thanks to all of you and I hope you a all a good recovery!

Day 93.

Jon

The debt is manageable. It will just take longer then anticipated. Thanks for reaching out Charles. Hopefully O can pay all this debt off in the next 3-4 months and finally be back in the green again. Today is day 100. I can’t believe that. I was hoping to get there. New goal is 200. But just one day at a time.

Day 104. Definitely tough to not think about loss. Tough not To be negative. To dwell on the urges, pains, and unhealthy thoughts. To just give in.

I used to invest heavily. I had the money to do so. I made about 15% in interest or so in 2015. As I’m doing my taxes My accountant asked what happened to my Roth IRA’s, stocks, and mutual funds. I didn’t expect the question for whatever reason, and it just hit me. I lost it all. I hadn’t told anyone besides family. “I, I, I moved the money” I replied. Sheasked why? You were doing so well. I had no real answer. Where did it go she said? I had no answer. To a normal person over $50,000 doesn’t just disappear in less than a year. Especially after you earn a healthy salary for 2016. She is baffled… I’m embarrest and feeling like an asshole.

Crap like this does trigger some horrible feelings. I think everyone gambling addict/compulsive gambler should get a life coach for a few sessions. I know they aren’t cheap. But think about how much money you lose gambling. A few hundred to help ourselves isn’t really that expensive. My life coach helped me understand that I was gambling because I was hurting about something that had happened earlier on in my teenage years. The feeling helped trigger me every moment of every day. I just buried it and thought I was past it but I really wasn’t. I struggle with it everyday. I knew it was there but never accepted it until my coach asked a good question and my answer puzzled me.

I choose to remain possitive no matter what happens to me. I have had to teach myself to walk three times in life. Not gambling might be considered a fourth. I screwed up bad. I hurt myself and people I love. I cheated myself out of happier years. I am okay with that. I have learned from it and choose for today to be a little bit better. I will listen to people, I will love myself, I will love my friends more. I will send three to five nice texts and calls to friends and family. I will keep being hopeful for a brighter future.

Day 117.

Thanks Vera for checking in on me. I hope you are well! I’m on day. Today is day 127. I had some weird urges recently but didn’t listen to them. Climbing out of debt has been much harder to do than earlier anticipated. Just got to keep going. I know one thing for sure…. gambling isn’t the answer.

Day 132 Gamble Free and pretty happy about it. Living gamble free is so much better than gambling. The stress of it is really gone. I obviously am not debt free and that does bug me all the time but It’s not something i can live with. As crazy as it sounds the guilt of letting it happen/doing this to myself has gotten better. I don’t hurt as much or maybe think as much about as I used too although it’s still present and maybe ale ways will be.
Charles, thank you for saying hi and checking in. I find that paying off debt takes a lot of hard work and is just taking a lot longer than I thought it would to pay off. I’m making pretty good money but it’s just never enough it seems to be enough to pay off my debt. I know I’m just being impatient and may have set an unrealistic goal/time frame to pay things back: I was close to 20k in the hole when I quit and now it’s around 9k left maybe a little under so aim making some strides.
I’m hoping by July or August to be back and actually benign able to save money. I also think that will be a major test for me being gamble free. It’s one thing to bring paying back money and another to be in the green. So I’ll be very careful at that point. I definitely would have had a more realistic plan for payback. I have close to 6k in the bank also which I need to make sure I have a place and have some extra emergency funds available so I’m not totally broke either.

Such is life. I’m certainly not perfect. Today will be another gamble free day. I won’t lie though… the urges are always there. When I don’t feel I have enough money or feel bad about something I did many years ago to myself really riggers me for some treason. As long as I remember that when I have the feelings it helps.

Day 139

Day 148

Day 150. I think gambling urges will always be a part of my life. Maybe not daily but present. The thing that has changed is my reaction to them. Now I just don’t let the thought continue and won’t allow myself to go there. Its definitely never going to be over. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be over it.

Good luck to all of you who struggle with this disease. It’s not easy but can get better with time. Still in debt up to my eyeballs but happy to be this far.

Day 155.

Day 163. I wanted to gamble today and would have won. Gambling is bad.

On Day 175. I was just doing some banking and realized that I’m officially in the positive. Not by a lot by a few hundred to a grand. I have more cash than I owe on credit cards. I want to say I’m happy but I’m still just annoyed I let this happen. I’m not going to let it continue and that’s one of the reasons I keep coming back to this site. I read others stories, their pain, their frustrations, their worry. Read mine again. It reminds me how real and debilitating this disease is. That it never goes away. It might get a little easier with time but it is always inside burning. It took me down…. It took my life away and almost killed me. It still takes.
Screw gambling!!!! and what it does to you if you become addicted. I’m moving forward! It just took me half a year of very hard work to get out of this debt from my last relapse. The 3 relapses before that cost me $40,000 of savings. The big fall before that at close to $60,000 of savings. Before that over 20 years of daily sports and casino gambling which I’m guessing cost me in the range of $300,000. Total guesstimated loss is around $425,000. I guess 175 days gamble free pales in comparison to those stats. This is the longest I’ve ever not gambled for since I was 18 years old. All my relapses happened within 2 months of trying to quit. I feel much more determined this time around.
I’m happy that I have found some peace though. I still stress all the losses but am grateful to be working and on the road back. I took back control of my finances a couple months ago. My mom was super helpful but tit was extremely hard to have her manage my money. Her support is what I really need and some self control which I’ve been doing ok with. I’ve been thinking about the next stages of my financial life (besides the personal stuff) more and more. IRA accounts, stocks, mutual funds, bonds, property, business ownership, idea cultivating, donating, helping others, etc. I’m 41 years old and don’t have many chances left at having a life I can be proud of.
No one knows loneliness like a gambler. It leaves in its wake lost confidence, ambition, empathy, friendliness, compassion, caring, etc, and leaves us as a selfish, hurtful, untrustworthy, hateful, vindictive, manipulative shell of a person. Finding our ways back from that while dealing with the shit storm of personal, family, friends, business debts and loss of years and years of savings is crippling for any human to deal with no matter what their socioeconomic, religious, racial, or cultural backgrounds are.
Gambling is affecting people in horrible ways all over the world. Only the super rich benefit from all of us hurting like this. The system and game isn’t developed for us to win. No matter how good we are the house will always win for the greater portion of us. A select few can prosper in the gambling industry that try to prosper off gaming. Self control is the key to everything. Last night I had a shot of tequila. I didn’t need more. I didn’t want more. I didn’t have to have more. But I do with gambling. For me I can control drinking and therefore is ok in moderation just like any bad habit or something you might do a few times a year.
I’m not trying to teach anyone on this site anything. I’m just writing my feelings down for the moment so that I can read them again in another time of need.
I hope you all the best and hope all of our recoveries keep going well. Onward and upward fellow compulsive gamblers.

Much love and peace.
Jonny

And thanks to Geordie and Darren for your comments! I appreciated the feedback when I saw the emails come in.

And thanks to everyone else who has been there for me and others on this site.

Day 188. I posted on my other thread. Hope you all are doing fantastic.

It’s a beautiful day here. I’m finally out of debt and in the green. Nice to finally be able to say that after months of hard work.

Have a great weekend!

Day 193 – Starting to feel stronger from all the working out on my back and leg. Hope you are all doing great. Seems like their aren’t too many people posting to this forum on this site. I appreciate the site and will continue my ***** here. I think it’s therapeutic for me. ?? Crazy how many gamblers their are in the world yet only a few weekly new posts. And those few most of the time they check in and disappear quickly. Not sure if it’s the disease or people get better and don’t talk as much.

Day 197. Thanks for the kind responses.

Day 200. Very happy to have gotten to 200. One day at a time.

Day 208. Crap I think I got the ***** wrong on my other page. Whatever. Hope you’z iz all well.

Day 214 – Thanks for saying hello K. Much appreciated. The days are adding up. I don’t have many urges these days and am coming to terms with things. Just the other day at work someone asks me to take part in some sort of Fantasy gaming. I simply said I can’t gamble on anything but that I really appreciated the offer. They asked why, and I simply said I’m a recovering gambler and can’t. And wished them luck. Haven’t thought about it again since besides telling this story. At first I was a little worried about telling people this but after a day or two I realized that there was nothing wrong with admitting I’ve had a problem and that I’ve chosen to move on. At first I thought it was a weakness when in hindsight I realize it’s a power. By quitting gambling I have gained strength. I said I was going to do something healthy for me and followed through. It’s given me something bigger than I ever realized. For the first time in my life I’m not the gambling man. And thats the way I like it.
I’ve also been out of debt now for a month or two which is great. Of course I think about the losses and where I’d be had I never gambled or stopped sooner… But I always realize that’s just not the way it is and this is where I am. I just need to accept that in the healthiest way possible. I’ve started doing some TM which had helped calm me. I want to start taking it more seriously and understand it better. I’m happy to have found it.
I moved in with a gal who has an addiction to pills (I didn’t;t know this when I moved in). She has been talking about quitting and I just hear myself talking… Saying I’m going to quit but not really meaning it. I can see the lies to herself and to others and it resinates with me deep inside. It makes me feel a little angry and sick. I of course am moving out asap (this week) as it’s an unhealthy environment to be in. As much as I want to help her I have to her I have to help myself first. I can’t be around people who aren’t strong enough to say no. If I see her do that enough maybe I ‘ll do it. I don’t think so but I still don’t want to be around it or see it. I feel bad for her but she’ll have to make her own mind up.
On another note – my job extended me two more months so I should be able to keep saving. I opened a Roth IRA account and some basic stocks. I’m looking into index funds to invest in next. I’ve been watching a ton of videos about TM, Tony Robbins, Warren Buffett, etc., and a bunch of other great people on success, and how to plan savings properly for the future. Hoping it helps me.
Again – Thanks for checking in. I’m going to keep staying strong. I’ve also been working out a bunch trying to lose some weight. Even my back and leg are getting stronger slowly. But thats another story.

How are you doing K?

Day 228

Day 232. Was feeling a little triggery yesterday. Hope that’s past. Thinking maybe it’s time for a GA reminder meeting so i can talk to peers.

Day 236 – I’ve been feeling a little off these last few days. This is a tricky disease. Maybe a GA meeting is a good idea.

Day 241 – Thanks Charles and JayKay for checking in and offering some sound advise.

Hey Peaceful Dreams – I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties gambling has caused you. I’m glad to hear you’re looking for some help. It is hard to just write on some weird internet site about all your feelings and the crap you’ve done to yourself over the years. In order to work through this horrible disease we have I think it’s going to be important for you to start your own thread and just put it all out there. Tell yourself by writing it out how you feel. Write a freaking 10 page essay on there but just get it out man. It will be therapeutic for you and make you feel a little better. Then go back to GA and get a sponsor. Is there anyone that you can trust to help you with your finances? Have someone step in and be a part of that that you’re accountable too whenever you send money. These are all small things and I know you’re thinking this guy is telling me all the same crap. You’re right. What you’re going through is very unique and not many people will understand it and it’s going to hurt bad for you to come to grips with it. But you can if you choose too. We all can. You are a strong person. Be the person you know you can and just don’t gamble. You have gambled for 50 years and have nothing good to show from it. Tell me anything else you’ve done for 50 years and that you’re not good at? If you were cooking spaghetti sauce for 50 years at the rate of practice I’m guessing you’d have some of the best sauce out there. Had you been doing just 5 jumping jacks for every bet you made you’re be in great shape. If you were learning how to play an instrument you’re probably be extremely good by now. But with gambling we stay the same…. just losing our money and never realizing that Gambling + Gambling = Losing Everything.

Life without gambling has been good. Like any other horrible addiction I imagine it’s not just the elimination of the bad habit but also living with the consequences of what the bad habit did to me. The evilness of gambling will always be with me looming. It’s my job to rise above it and control myself. Again – that doesn’t mean it’s ever gone. At least not for me and it sounds like not some of you guys either. And that’s ok. The other day I missed the feeling of gambling action and the high I got from it. In my head I was justifying the thought for a second like I used to do about how I could gamble to make some extra cash. It was just for a second but the thought came across my mind. The weird part is that I don’t need the money it was just a thought. A trigger for me is loneliness so I have to be on heightened alert when I’m feeling that way.
I had my first gambling gambling dream in a while the other day as well. I remember placing some sort of bet and realizing my days were gone. The feeling was horrible.
I am out of debt again but can’t stand thinking about how much money I lost and what I could have done with that money had I not lost it all. I talked to my brother in law the other night about how much I lost and it’s just a surreal number. I am living with it and dealing with the consequences but it still sucks. I just wish it was half that number. But then again I try to remind myself that money doesn’t really bring happiness. It brings a sense of made up happiness. Happiness comes from within. I’ve had money and I didn’t feel happier or even use the money well. I was sick inside and most likely always have been.
I don’t have the answers, I’m not sure anyone really does. I just know that gambling is bad and left me a state of despair. I lost everything of who I am. I didn’t just lose the money. I lost a sliver of myself. A slice of caring and emotion. Gambling took that from me or I allowed gambling to take that from me. I struggle with that as well. I do notice that I am much more calm no and things just don’t upset me like the used to. I am much more in control of my feelings these days.
I won’t gamble today and hope all of you have a great Monday!

Day 248 – For some reasons I’ve been having some odd thoughts about gambling. It seems to have come out of nowhere. But for the last couple weeks I have had the feeling like I want to gamble again. It’s really scary because I know that if I place one bet I’ll place another and anther and another until I’m again in the hole 30K or more. Thats basically what I have in available credit. One day at a time. That’s what I always have to remind myself of… The Powerball was $750 mm and I was annoyed that I couldn’t buy a ticket. But I know where it leads and have to remain in control.

Day 261 – Wanted to gamble bad yesterday for some reason. I didn’t though which is good. I don’t need the money so I’m not sure why the urge was so strong.

Day 269 – I can’t believe a year is only 3 months away.

Day 275 – I really appreciate reading everyone’s stories on here. Not gambling has been really difficult at times. Even though things are better from a financial stand point I still often find myself wanting to place a wager and feel the action once again. I just read 3racers admission of relapse and it reminds me of my major relapses… I know if I gamble again it will be just as he explains. The worst thing ever. Today is football day. I did love to wager on a game and watch it… But then again I loved to wager on everything.
I’ve been very fortunate… I have been able to get out of debt and save a bit. I’ve been working consistently. My back has been feeling better and better, which is good. My nerve damage is not better but other parts of my leg have gotten stronger and are making up for the loss of nerve. Things could be way worse.
I’m not sure I’ll ever completely loose the feeling of wanting to place a wager… But I always try to remember what placing wagers did to me… I was ready to kill myself. I had nothing. I was ashamed of myself. I knew if others knew how bad I was what t hey would think of me. I was an absolute train wreck at all times. I wasn’t sleeping. I was lying to myself and everyone around me. I felt sick daily. I didn’t;t eat right. I hardly ever brushed my teeth for some reason. My place became dirty. Dishes weren’t done. I wasn’t playing music and sitting in the sun. I wasn’t planning trips or ever having dun with anyone. I was always putting gambling first. Instead of eating something nice I would gamble and then with the few pennies left I’d grab some crafty fast food. If I can rattle off that much crap in just a few minutes gambling is bad. There is nothing good about it. I’m addicted to the feeling of it. The rush. The money is just the aftermath of the rush…. the action…
I’m not gambling anymore. Guess I just needed to say all that.

I just read my day 175 – I was at even on day 175. Now I’ve got money saved and would be ok for a few months if needed. Gambling took so much from me. I would have been worth over $500,000 today had I never gambled and maybe more had I invested that money which I would have. For any younger person reading this post… Don’t be me. Don’t be here in the middle of your life talking about how you lost a half million dollars plus the compounding interest of 20 years. If you add the compounding interest it would be roughly worth double. So I gave up a million dollars to gambling. For the rush of it with the hopes that I would get rich faster. I sure wish I hadn’t done that.

Thanks 3racer! I’m sorry for the misery your suffering and predicament you find yourself in at the moment. It sucks so bad. I remember being right there. The way you explained it brought me right back to the place I was in a year ago. I was doing well. I had quit gambling AGAIN but that time I was doing well. I had somewhere in the 2-3 months range under my belt. My finances were getting better. I was feeling better… Then I felt safe like I could manage 1 bet. I could easily win a grand or two and that would be sweet. The weird thing is that I didn’t NEED the grand or two. I could have been fine without it. I just wanted that rush. I love that rush. So I placed that one bet and won. I was in San Diego when I did it. I won like $200 or something. Then it was on. That wasn’t enough. I needed more. So I placed another bet but lost. No I was down $60 or something. Then I placed another… Before 2 days was gone I was down like $5k and chasing. Then it was $15k. And I was right back where I started chasing and loving the rush overtime…
Thanks for reminding me. That’s not a place any of us want to find ourselves.
But…. you can once again overcome that crap. It all starts with knowing 100% deep inside that you can’t win that money back. It’s gone. And that placing wagers hasn’t worked in the past and it won’t work now. If gambling was mathematically making sense you would be making money at it. A person that practises anything in life for that many hours generally gets better at it. Unfortunately thats not true for the gambler or heroin addict or alcoholic, etc.

Honestly if you add up all the time that most of us have gambled in our lives… That time could have easily been spent doing something more productive. I easily could have gotten my doctorite in the same amount of time and energy given to gambling.

Honestly if you add up all the time that most of us have gambled in our lives… That time could have easily been spent doing something more productive. I easily could have gotten my doctorite in the same amount of time and energy given to gambling.

Day 279 – I invest nearly 50% of every check I take in at the moment. I’m living as cheap as possible. I have some basic urges. Some days the urges seem to be stronger than other days. That’s when I’m not having things change… I noticed the other day I got a call about my job ending. This is pretty normal in my industry. I work freelance so jobs come and go. Of course it was a tough pill to swallow but the odd thing was that I felt the urge to gamble more at that moment or a few minutes later. When emotionally hurt I just want to say screw it… and when I say screw it that somehow means gambling. I know I want that rush. The rush will make it feel better. Winning some cash would make it feel better…. It’s bullcrap. Gambling and the rush are a lie. They are satan sitting on my shoulder saying look at that… it will make you feel good. He’s a lier. He’s a hater. He’s wrong. Day 279.

Thanks I did it and Monicau! And thanks to Vera and Charles! And thanks to 3racer and everyone else on here who talks to me and lets me read their stories.
This thing we share in common isn’t one any of us hoped for but it is there so we must face the music together.
I’m more spiritual than religious but think people should do whatever feels best fro them. The most important thing in life is love.

Day 284 – Thanks for the support Jay Kay and gambling therapy community.

Day 288.

Day 292 – Things have been alright on the gambling front. I don’t stress to much about it. I sometimes wonder where’d I’d be today had I not ever gambled or had a gambling problem. But I guess that’s a total waste of time as that’s not what happened.

Day 297 – It’s weird. I have urges to gamble here and there but not everyday. Sometimes days go by without a thought. I still think about the losses… maybe that won’t ever go away…? I know I can’t ever gamble again. I come back here daily to remind myself by reading some past posts about how bad it was. It’s almost 300 days since I was suicidal. I was suicidal because I couldn’t figure a way out. I felt so alone. I felt the world caving in on me. I was hopeless. I had no friends. My family was distant and distrusted me when it came to gambling or quitting. I was lost and hurt. I’ve worked very hard these last almost 300 days to pay off all debt and start savings. I’ve had one week off in that entire time. Losing everything sucks. Having a crutch like gambling sucked. I didn’t know then what I know now. Gambling was a symptom of my pain. When I started looking inward at why I was gambling it put things into perspective for me. Sure I was gambling for the money or to make back the money, or to pay the bills, etc. But the reason I never stopped gambling was to avoid something… What was I trying to avoid? It took a while but the truth is and always was the same… I was trying to avoid myself and all the feelings I had. Gambling was my companion, my friend, my savior, it was there for me. It gave me something to hope for in a somewhat bleak world and existence. It helped me forget that I was alone and scared. It helped me forget that I was going to die. I could always place a bet and feel nothing but the rush, the action, the gamble. It coursed through my veins, it quieted the noise inside. It calmed my mind. It gave me everything I needed. Unfortunately that is all true…
But once I started questioning it all… All my justifications. All my reasoning… All my hopes for luck… I realized that I was wrong.
The only true hope was to just stop. To look in the mirror and start asking the hard questions. At this point I don’t have many answers. I’m not fixed. I don’t even know what that means. But I still know that gambling again will only amplify all the pain again and take me down a road that I don’t ever want to go down again.

Hi Geordie,

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. I appreciate the feedback. I think it’s pretty standard that I get urges to place the quick wager or buy a quick scratch off here and there. I don’t think those urges will ever go away. The difference now is that I’m better equipped to deal with them in a more positive way when they do present themselves.
I’m not keeping the door to gambling open at all even though you felt that when you read my posts. I have said and will keep saying that I can’t ever gamble again. That it will lead me to a horrible place. I don’t agree with that comment.
This is an open forum where people can express their thoughts and feelings. Whether you can or can’t believe I would write something is on you and not me. If you are troubled by it thats ok. I didn’t;t write it in hopes for your acceptance of it. I wrote it because it was on my mind and I thought 3racer could use some suggestions on other ways to make his money work for him. Again – you can accept suggestions or not. I don’t have a gun to anyones head. This is a diary forum, nothing more.
My investments are my business but I’m happy to share any advise or suggestions or just chat about them any time. I don’t agree at all with you that investing in a diversified portfolio is the same as gambling on a sporting event with odds, the flip of a card, the press of a button on a slot, or the roll of the dice. Gambling on a 100% win lose outcome is different then diversifying a portfolio. In a portfolio people can take risky or less risky investments. With gambling it’s a guess and an all or nothing proposition. Gambling in that arena provides a rush with that action. You don’t get that from investing. Investing is a long slow game, not a fast paced gamble. When I say that I think people with excess money should invest in a house, ira, stocks, bonds, index funds, mutual funds, ETF’S, 2ND income stream, CD, art, etc. So many ways to invest and make money work for you. I think that lumping gambling and investing together as bad or as a possible trigger is not an informed thought. If inflation is increasing at a rate of 1-2% annually and you have excess cash sitting in a saving’s account you’re actually losing money… Does that seem smart to you or does it seem smart to invest and stay ahead of inflation and hopefully make compounding interest work in your favor rather than against you. I have to get back to work but wanted to let you know my thoughts.
Have a great day and again thank you for your thoughts.

Oh and day 298 – I gambled for over 20 years. I gambled over $400,000 away. I think I know what I’m up against.

Hello Geordie,
I’ll answer your email as I read it.
1. Yes it is a large sum of money to have gambled. I never broke it down by the week. Not sure why you did… Also not sure why you started with wow?
2. Based on you saying that I got off lightly I’m assuming your “wow” to be an insult. So to that I say you’re a douche bag for saying git like that. To say that my addiction and losses are getting off lightly is frankly a stupid thing to say to someone. To compare losses or anything else with someone especially that you’ve never met and over a computer is silly and I find it sophomoric.
3. You said that in 10 months I was able to get out of debt. That isn’t quite how I would put it… my history is a bit more complicated than that. But if that makes you feel good to sum up things like that for me then I hope you’re happy.
4. I wouldn’t have written anything and pressed enter unless I thought it was ok to say something to someone. I’m honest and spoke my mind. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Also, he didn’t seem to mind and actually mentioned in a post that it helped him. But I’ll let him speak to that tune and shouldn’t;t talk for him.
5. Is this sarcasm that you feel envious of me? I did a lot of damage as I’m sure anyone who has chosen to hurt themselves does.I don’t buy it this and feel it’s a tactic to say something and then balance it out with an unqualified compliment.
6. You said… I’m going to great lengths to justify investing money? I don’t agree. Investing and gambling are two different things. I also only mentioned this several times in a year. I don’t even understand the rational of not doing investing so lets just agree to disagree on that one. Are you saying that you should just put all excess money in a savings account?
7. Did you really read my posts? I speak about gambling as more than money all the time. Didn’t I just write that the other night to someone? I’m lost by your thought process.
8. What does “such a good living” mean that I make? Please explain?
9. You said… Money is important to me? Thats what you believe? We’ll you right, and many other things are important to me as well. You’re either a very rich man or a very broke man to even say a statement like that. A rich man wants to present that his money isn’t important while he hoards it. The poor man doesn’t want to believe money is important because then he would have to live upset all the time. Are you suggesting that money isn’t important? Most of us live or die by the dollar. We get to enjoy things a tad bit more when not stressing all the time about getting a meal. Are you a hunter? Do you know how to hunt? Is there an excess amount of game around you? Do you see where I’m going with this? Do your bullets not cost anything? Does heat not cost anything? Does a dwelling that protects you from the cold and elements not cost anything? If I want to eat then I have to earn. If I want to continue to eat then I have to have money in the bank. If I loose my job and want to eat I need to have some savings. Eating kind of seems important to me so I guess money is kind of important to me. Now is it as important as love, family, honesty, etc.? Thats for each individual person to decide… not some guy on GT like me or you.
10. You used my own words to I guess put me in my place or prove that you are right and I’m wrong or something? We’ll I agree with everything I wrote. When you can’t control yourself you need to have blocks in place. But if you read my posts as you claim you have… Then you would know that I also said that blocks are good but not the end all. I have to see lotto tickets if I want to buy a donut. I have to see other games if I want a soda at the the liquor store, etc. Similar to the way an alcoholic has to eat and enter establishments that sell alcohol. It’s about self control and personal growth… not blocks dude.
11. You talk about gambling like thats the problem. I don’t agree. A theory of mine (at least for me) is that gambling is the symptom of a deeper rooted issue in a person. It’s starts with placing a bet. But the underlying current is the rush it gives a person. In that feeling of blissful rush you forget that you have a bunch of pent up feelings. If you can feel that rush all the time then you don’t have to deal with or feel those pent up issues. Please read some of my posts so you can better understand where I am coming from.
12. I’m not on here to help anyone really. At least not yet. I will believe I can help someone after I have one year of non gamble time. Until then I simply talk and make comments. Not really telling anyone anything. Again – please read my posts and you will see that consistency throughout.
13. I moved to another city for work this weekend. I have already reached out to friends at GA here and am going to a scheduled meeting tomorrow night at 7:30pm. I think I do have my life in some control and am seeking the help and friendships I need. I don’t appreciate you trying to use my words from when I was extremely sick/diseased to try to prove some point that is actually a meaningless point as far as I’m concerned.
14. You don’t think I know what I’m up against at all? Who the heck are you to say something like that to me? This is my life and I get to manage it how I see fit. You and me are different people with different triggers, history’s, upbringings, family’s, etc.. How and why do you think you can tell me that I don’t know what I’m up against. Are you serious? Who does know what I’M up against besides me and possibly my counselor? Who has taken the time to understand the depths of me and my problems? Please enlighten me and PLEASE tell me what I’m up against that I’m not aware of? I will honestly tell you if you are correct. Please….
15. So you’re comparing me to Nick Lesson….? Are you serious man? Maybe you should compare me to Gordon Gecco next? Or Charles Manson? How does that comparison even make sense in your mind? You’re somehow comparing my want to invest extra funds in a diversified portfolio to a sociopath thief who lied, cheated, and broke countless amounts of international banking policies and trading laws. I think that’s a bit of a stretch don’t you think? Is Nick Lesson really someone I should seek advise from? It similar to comparing a kid who steals a pack of gum to Bernie Madoff.
16. I came to this site suicidal. I hardly got any responses. I actually mentioned it a number of times. So you sitting here and telling me that I’m wrong for posting my feelings and theories is all bull crap to me man. People should read and hear everyone’s stories and hear their opinions. This site didn’t fix me. I did. I did by making the steps. Finding hope and getting therapy. Learning about myself. Saying no when the going got tough. Being honest with myself. Asking the hard questions to myself. I use and used this site as a diary to write on because when no one responds thats what it is.
17. When is someone’s gambling “in the past” according to you? Who has that answer for that? You? When is it ok for someone to be a person again and not have to have their money held for them and portioned out? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, never? Is that really the answer? You’re basically saying that’s it’s ok to not have any self control. Let others around you that actually have self control hold onto your money forever. How about the truth. A compulsive gambler is someone that is hurting in many ways and has very little self control. This issue isn’t really the money the issue is the lack of control to say enough is enough or make a decision to just stop and lick wounds.
18. Are you really saying that a person can’t say they will never do something again and actually follow through? I think what your saying is that action speaks louder than words. If so then I think my actions are speaking for me. I haven’t gambled in close to 300 days. The reason being is because I don’t want to anymore. It doesn’t add up for me anymore. Sure I have urges to feel the rush. I have urges to see up girls skirts too. That doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it and lift upon a girls skirt. It’s again called self control.
Those are my responses. But In summary, you asked me what is different now? What has changed? Why can I have access to money now and not before? You asked me if just saying I won’t gamble anymore is enough? I think I am a bit different now. I think I have more control. I’ve gotten help and paid for it from a professional counselor. I’ve been doing TM. I’ve been working out. Walking as best I can with two bad legs and a bad back. Exercising. cooking. Making sure to spend ample quality time with my pet. Traveling. I’ve been to some GA meetings. Been speaking with old sponsors. Constantly posting on this site and on other threads when I have time. I’ve been honest with everyone in my life and made amends. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve worked extremely hard to begin to forgive myself and let it go so I can move on and enjoy just one day at a time. I take the time to talk to people and treat everyone with love and care. I try to smile, stop, and breathe when I see something beautiful like a falling leaf from as tree, a butterfly, or just the simple beauty of the sky. I work my tail off. I save every cent and don’t spend any extra cash on anything. I give eye contact and smile at people. I have hope in my life. I have love in my life (although I wish I had more). I have something to do everyday. I have someone and something that believes in me. A person can only do so much to put themselves in a position to be able to have more self control and stop hurting. I’ve put these things in place and am working hard at building a life back. feel I’m far from done. I would also add that life is about the journey… Not just the ending point. Enjoy the journey… My journey is my journey and I do get to make up the rules for my journey. DO I wish I would have zigged instead of zagging. Yes. but it’s still my journey. I can only do what I can to have the best journey possible. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to live in tomorrow. I want to just enjoy being in the moment and hope for more.
You said that I make a lot of money. Please let me know what that number is? It’s interesting that you added up that $400000 over 20 years is around $380 or something. So basically I had $400000 extra or so in 20 years… I was dead broke and in debt up to my eyeballs. I was homeless for close to a decade and spend every cent I earned gambling. Those numbers don’t really add up to someone who has made a ton of money over a 20 year span. You mention that I make this or that. The reality is actually this… I work 12 hour days pretty much 6 days a week. I have had roughly a week off in the last 10 months. I have travelled out of the country and to many states to keep working. 10 months ago I had a MAJOR back surgery and suffered from nerve death/loss in my calf (this was tested 3 months ago or so). The nerve is dead (that means it doesn’t work). And I keep working… and keep chugging along. I paid off my debts and have been saving. I try my best to work out the rest of my body so I can actually walk. I’m in constant pain day in and day out but don’t take any pain meds as well. I’m guessing you want to lecture me on how I will eventually get addicted to pain meds next or are you only a gambling and and compulsive gambling expert?
I’m not trying to be a jerk. But as you can see I found you note to be a bit pushy and not spot on.
I asked you some questions and would appreciate a follow up response as well.

Day 300 – Went to an amazing meeting last night with some amazing people. Probably the best GA I’ve ever been to. So much caring, understanding, wisdom, and love in that room.

Thanks for your comments Geordie. I don’t think we see eye to eye on some things and thats ok. You seem to genuinely care about others which if I knew nothing more about you is enough for me to apologize for calling you any names. I wasn’t trying to belittle you or show you any disrespect. I do appreciate your kindness. I’m grateful for you taking the time to write back.
Although…. when reading your comments I said to myself many times that I see and feel things in a much different way then the way you read and interpret my feelings. I don’t need to explain myself to you or make sense of anything to you. I come on this site to journal some of my feelings and get comfort from others that understand. That doesn’t mean I want to defend myself when I’ve done nothing wrong besides working hard at my recovery and being there for others. Also – The feelings I write about that you have based your opinions on don’t make me up as a whole, and don’t last long. They always pass because I have control over them. For me it’s been cathartic to express my feelings and theories somewhere and I found this site was good for that.
I believe this site is here to help people. It doesn’t have to be your way… It can be anyway that is helpful to them/us. They/we get to choose. Not you.
I get to make my rules. Not you.
I get to decide how I heel. Not you.
I don’t need to defend my actions if they are working. I don’t NEED to do what you say worked for you. I might add that that advise didn’t work for you as you pointed out for a long time.
I don’t generally ask for advise. I don’t believe I asked for yours. I just make statements and read them back to myself to they to learn and understand myself better.
I unfortunately don’t have the time to answer all your questions or to continue this conversation frankly. I am a professional as you mentioned and have a job that is demanding and take s up much of my time when I’m working.
I also agree with your statement on Monica’s thread that others on this site most likely could use your time and care more to hear it than I. I feel like I’m doing okay and am have what I need to stay the course. Take care of the others in need that want your help and I will seek advise and help from others as well.
I only wish you peace and happiness. But again I don’t feel you really get me.
Sincerely,
Jon

Day 302 – Hi Geordie and I Did it. Thanks for taking the time to write me.

Geordie – As I did it mentioned we probably would have a nice conversation if we were sitting together . When reading someone’s words we attach our own feelings to them and assume that we get what they are gong through. I think we’ve all misread a text or email and taken the emotional meaning out of context. I don’t want you to stop posting on my journal. I was just frustrated that you think you know me by reading part of my life story through this journal and then making assumptions. The truth is how could you do anything different if I didn’t tell you everything in those posts. I welcome any advise you have for me and apologize for reacting to your post like I did. It hasn’t made me feel good. That being said I think we discussed some interesting points. I think it would be difficult to carry on that conversation as long as it was. I am open to discussing each item point by point if you would like? Just not all at once. ?? It was a bit overwhelming and struck a cord.
I unfortunately lost my most recent job and have been pretty down on myself. It’s a huge ego killer. I am proud to mention that the only time I’ve thought about gambling during this period is to recognize that I hadn’t once thought about it.
I don’t think I’m cured. I don’t believe a cure exists for what I have. Call it what anyone will… A CG… Or just someone who wants to forget all the pain. Someone who gets caught up in a spiral of emotions, mixed with money, lies, deceit, and tragedy which can only end badly.
I relapsed a number of times when I tried to seriously quit. I talked about putting for years but never tried. Then when I did I wasn’t;t able to. Then I tried again, and again failed… this story repeated itself for gees I don’t know how long. Then I was able to hit a semi rock bottom and was able to quit for a couple months. But then jumped back in head first at the first sign of change and bitterness. This continued a coulee to a few times until I hit rock bottom. I was stuck in bed with unimaginable pain. I couldn’t;t use my right leg. My left leg still damaged form a motorcycle accident. My back needed major surgery and the doctor would take out 30% or so of my disk. I had nerve damage and didn’t know if it would ever get better… I was close to somewhere in the range of 20K in debt after working my entire adult life.
What I’m trying to say is when I lost a part of my body and it was out of my control it dawned on me that some things are in my control. I wanted to quit gambling. All I had to do was stop and abstain. I knew that I was happiest when not gambling. I also realized that it wasn’t working. I wasn’t feeling well and I was not well off. This rags to riches dream I had from not having to work was all a joke I created in order to feel ok. For me it wasn’t about the 12 steps. It wasn’t about a sponsor. I had done all that and it didn’t work for me. SO I chose to have my mother hold my money, I placed a gambling block on my computer. I emailed all the sites I used and told them my problem which in turn they all banned me. I read and read about others gambling problems and how some fortunate few were able to find a life after it. But the biggest change came from deep down. I knew I didn’t;t want to gamble anymore. It was hurting me. It made me hate myself. It made me work for nothing. It kept me from doing anything. I was gambling while life was passing me by. For me it was simple… it was time to stop. I think all these programs are great. I love GA. I love the people there. I love the support. But it didn’t make me stop. What helped me stop was having someone believe in me. Believing in myself that I could so what I set out to do. That I had something to do everyday to keep my mind busy. That I loved more. And most importantly that I didn’t give up hope.
It’s hard to hope when everything seems so dreary and hard.
The 12 steps are great but they the end all be all. We are. I am. I can go to a meeting a night or two meetings a day but that won’t stop someone who wants to place a bet.

Geordie – I would like to debate one thing from our posts now. If you would like…? You mentioned that you had a great deal more experience about gambling then me. You seemed to believe that full heartedly. Of course I want to debate that… how can one quantify that statement? How can you actually say that you gambled more than me or anyone else for that matter and that you somehow have more experience and a better understanding? There’s no competition but I found that statement a bit odd. Is going to the track for 40 years make a person more experienced than a slots gambler of 15 years? Does a card player of 32 years know more than a craps player of 22 years? It all seems like a mute point to me and almost like a way for you to put yourself on a pedestal. I ask you this… Is that a healthy thing for a former CG to say and want to feel? Isn’t a GA we learn about the bug shot fallacy? Isn’t saying something like that similar? Again, I’m not trying to fight, just ,early discuss one point of that conversation at a time.

I did it – I appreciate you caring enough about me to write and think about me while reading. I still ***** the days for some odd reason… Not really sure why I do… All I know is that I can never let gambling back into my life. Not one bet. I often ponder why I did it so long. I know that if I place one wager it could possibly or will end in horror. But I just don’t want to anymore. The other day I say a guy sitting at a shop I was at and he just scratched those tickets one after another. I watched and just felt weird about it. I wanted to say something to him but didn’t. I just watched as he scratched $50 worth of tickets. I’m not sure if he won or what the outcome was. It was just watching someone gamble… To know deep down inside he is just hoping to win some money… There is no joy in it. In reality there is no chance in it. It’s a lose lose proposition.
Read that book. Read everything you can about gambling.
I haven’t offered anyone true advise on this site ever. I often let them know what I’m thinking but don’t tell them how to do something. But maybe that needs to change.
I’m not sure why I’ve been able to quit this time when I wasn’t able to quit for close to 23 years. I really do think that when I sitting in that bed and had lost all hope that the one thing that I could change was whether I placed a bet or not it all clicked. It really was that simple. Fortunately and unfortunately you all can’t go and lose a leg in order to quit. I may never walk again normally or without pain… but I won’t be gambling.

Hi Monicau,

Thanks for reading my thoughts and for letting me know that they made you feel a little better. That means the world to me. I’m not sure exactly why I lost my job but I ‘m assuming it’s because I wasn’t working hard enough or fast enough or this boss just didn’t like me. Either way I need to suck it up, brush myself off, and move forward and just try harder on the next project.
I love the 12 steps, I love GA, and I love sponsors. I’m not for one second saying GA, the 12 steps, or anything like that is negative in any way. Of course not. I have been going to GA for 7 years now. The problem is that when I left GA I was still in my body and still had my problems. I felt like I was a burden to my sponsor as I bugged then at all minutes of the day. I felt like I was just talking and talking and not doing any heeling.
I am in a different place though. Similar to you. Gambling actually not only ruined us financially and mentally… but it took a physical toll on both of us. I think when you this rock bottom it sort of puts things in perspective… You realize that just being alive and being able to breathe normally, walk without pain, get out of bed without pain, get off the toilet without pain, etc.
That being said I still attend GA meetings. I should probably go more not just for myself but to help others if they can somehow benefit from my betting history. I would like to be a sponsor if that was ever in the cards. I feel that I have things to share.
You seem like a great person! I know you’re struggling right now and it’s hard for me not to be able to give you a hug. No doubt that you are going through some serious stuff right now. Perhaps more serious than most. But I can also tell that you are a strong person… You may feel weak right now or this last two months but that’s not who you are. You are strong… You have much to offer. Your family needs you although you may not feel it all the time… They do. Trust me. They also believe in you… I have to keep reminding myself that it’s all about baby steps. baby steps. baby steps.
I have a smoking marijuana problem. I need to address it at some point. I used to smoke cigarettes but also quit that when I had the surgery 10 months ago. I had one last night when I lost my job with my brother and my lungs have been burning all day from just that one. Ouch… My vice is definitely weed.
I’m not surprised the 12 steps are painful. Things that are hart never aren’t. Nothing worth accomplishing is usually easy or pain free. Not like gambling which masks the pain but hurts worse in the long run. I have faith and believe in you and hope I can now call you my friend.

Oh… and I’m happy to hear that your cough is getting better.

Also – I was maybe being a bit overly harsh on Geordie. I can admit that. He struck some weird cord and for some reason it made me lash out a bit more than I should have. You are right that he is just trying to help. He most likely doesn’t mean the things he says exactly how I read them. But I do think it’s cathartic for ads to have these discussions, debates, arguments, etc. It’s definitely better than what we used to do wit our time… ??

Day 305

I feel a little down but have been doing some pushups, pull-ups, walks, and talking to friends. I was thinking about working on a webpage for a blog and a business I wanted to start. I need to brush myself off, lick my wounds, and get back in to the game. I really appreciate you asking Monicau. Since I haven’t gambled in a while and saved every cent I made I was able to save a little. That with unemployment I can survive for a few months without working. But I’m trying to remain positive and am hopeful the phone will ring.

Hi Monica, Thanks. I actually got a call yesterday and a job offer today. It’s a bit below my normal rate so I am thinking about it. But I’d rather be busy than not. For me, doing nothing is hard, it drives me crazy. I kind of do want to hold out and wait but what if the phone doesn’t ring again until the new year. I’ll just be sitting on my hands. Need to consider it a bit more. I might just take it and if something better comes along jump. Not my normal MO but has crossed my mind. Today is day 307.

Day 310

Day 314 – Thanks IDI. I appreciate that. Its nice to hear. I ended up passing on that job as it didn’t feel right. I interviewed for 2 more jobs today and it’s looking promising. This will pay me my rate and sent me international again which I like to do. It will be a challenge… so I like that. Not working for two weeks has definitely put a dent in the savings already.

Day 315 – Seems like not so long ago me and I did it were buds. How quickly things change… Similar to gambling. With the drop of a dime and a bad decision the house can come crumbling down. The nice thing about having a argument/debate/miscommunication we can talk it through and forgive and forget. With gambling it’s a bit tougher.
This place has offered me a place to write my thoughts and diary things in a safe forum that I can reflect on later and in times of need or when an urge comes. It has been great. I also love reading and relating to a bunch of others on here that are experiencing or have experienced some of the same issues, pains, emotions, feelings, etc., that I’ve experienced that a lot of people out there just don’t get. But with that seems to have come a couple disagreements about how I’m supposed to feel, our my methods of recovery, that I feel money is important, or something I’ve said or how I’ve said it, etc., that can be distracting from what the real purpose of me being on here is to me. I’m totally cool hearing peoples thoughts and theories on everything and prefer it rather than not hearing. I would not be where I am today without that advise, this forum, my family, my conviction, my back surgery, and working a plan day to day while taking small steps towards getting a life back together. I also realize that people aren’t asking specifically for my advise and help. I’m kind of just offering it and expecting people to take it serious. I think I’m going to stop doing that as I’m not sure I’m qualified to offer anyone advise. And maybe I’m not that good at accepting criticism. The one thing I know deep down is that I wanted to stop gambling, I needed to stop gambling. Sure I had a lot of wonders on what life would be like without gambling and had been gambling so long thats all that I knew. Well I stopped gambling for some time now things seem pretty normal. It’s the same stuff with just no gambling. I have noticed that relationships are better. That I’m doing better at work, but even that has it ups and downs.
Sorry for the rant. I guess what I’m trying to say is I come on here to write. To be accepted. And to talk to others. I can be hard headed. I can be a pain. I can be jerk. But at the end of the day I do care about my recovery and everyone else’s. I sincerely apologize to everyone on here if I have been a thorn in your side at times. I sometimes am no nonsense but then can also get sensitive when someone is no nonsense with me. This is definitely something I need to think more about and probably make some adjustments.
Anywho I feel pretty good about day 315. Back to work for me. I took a job today so I’m off and running again. Thanks I did it for your welcome advise. Thanks Vera, Geordie, Maverick, P, Mark, Charles, Monicau and the many countless others on this site who have been caring to ,e and have offered me advise when I needed it and a lot of times didn’t listen. I’m grateful for all of you.

Day 317 – Hey Guys – Thanks all for the lovely posts. I enjoy reading everyones posts on here. It really helps keep me grounded and level headed. Thanks to the good earth for providing us a place to all help each other out.
On the job front – Thanks guys. I think I kind of got lucky on this one. It pays a slight bit more than the other. It’s more challenging and will be more to worry about. I’d rather be challenged than not but won’t lie… I’m a little bit worried I’m not in physical shape to do it. It will be a tough one. I’m going to start training but I don’t have much time. I think it’s time that I took a long look at myself, my exercise regimen, and my diet. I also need to think about my the smoking habit. I have so many things to work on.
I’m also opening up a corp for the first time to save on taxes. I seem to keep working so It makes sense to financially to do it. I think now is an extremely good time to remind myself that all these things I’m talking about are going to take an emotional toll on me. The ups and downs and that gambling is always right there at the forefront. Not gambling always has to remain my main concern. In all things. No gambling.
Talk soon.

Day 322 – Not much to say. Hope everyone is staying strong.

Hi P,
Thats so nice of you to say. ?? Thank you. Life is so much better I can’t begin to tell you. I mean I don’t feel like great and giddy all the time but that stress is gone… I feel so much more confident. I feel like anything is possible and can be accomplished. Gambling is sooo scary. It took so much from me…. It hurt sooo bad. But I guess thats just what I had to go through. I’m learning to accept things and just be more end goal oriented. I try to live in the moment as much as I can. For today things are good. I’m also very aware of any emotional situations and move around them like a mine field as I am always aware that a trigger is lurking. The last thing I can ever do is place a bet… Even a friendly one. I can’t imagine ever living like that again.

Day 323 – So happy to say that. ??

Thanks Monicau!

Awe. Thanks. I feel for him. ??

Day 330 – I did start my new job last week I did It. Thanks for asking. It’s going well. Lots to get done. I was happily surprised to get the higher title which is always great on the CV. Just back to saving every cent I make. For the first time in so many years I decided to splurge and went on a mini shopping spree and bought some new clothes. I have to say it’s amazing how I just gambled everything away for so long that I didn’t ever just buy myself something nice. I have/had just basic crappy clothes. Nothing that made me look nice. When getting ready for a date I would wear the same one outfit that I wore to anything nice. Besides that I didn’t have anything. I could always justify spending it on something else when really it was always going to the gambling. Sorry to ramble on and on. That stuffs pretty boring but It’s what’s on my mind.
Best.

Hi Everyone,

Day 331 – Just waking up after sleeping in. Saw a couple emails from the site and it made me want to post. I think it was Jac’s post. I find myself mad at him/her. I don’t like that he/she won’t just try harder. But I forget how disabling this disease is…. It’s a good example of how this disease just tears someone completely down and shreds them of any self worth and strength. I’m so scared to think thats all just one bet away for me. I sure hope he can find the strength to carry on and stop hurting.
Finding Laura – What a fitting name for a gambler in recovery…. quitting gambling is a reveal for sure. We find out who we are again. It may be really difficult to find out who we are which is the reason why we may have started gambling. But thats where the real work and therapy kick in. I just love that name… I read your posts above and must have missed then previously. I’m sorry to hear about your back. What part of your back did you have work on and need work on now? Did you have any nerve damage? What kind of surgery do you need to get? I’ve been getting a bit stronger by the week and am hoping for more and more but it’s been slow. My back is pretty bad. They took out close to 40% of the disk so no matter what I do the pain is there. It’s tough living like this but not sure what choice I have. The doctor has no answers either. Talking to him is like talking to a broken record of maybe’s and possibly’s. He literally told me when the pain gets unbearable come back and see me and I’ll do another surgery that will take 80% of the pain away. I 100% agree with you about the correlation of issues with our bodies and the issues with gambling. But I think gambling just latches on to anyone who isn’t just suffering from a physical problem but more of a mental problem that a person has. The physical problem most likely causes a mental problem that needs to be addressed by the individual and a counselor (many types) that the person has a connection with. Basically what I’m saying is that in order to really quick gambling we have to take a look into our minds with the help of a professional that we trust. Just my two cents
Hi Idid It – Thanks for saying hello. I do love the way new clothes feel. I had two people compliment me on how I looked and it made me feel so good. I also just love the way new socks and new shoes feel…. I gambled for so many years I just forgot what it was like to spend money on anything and myself. I always never had enough money. If I did I was always worried it wasn’t;t enough. If I needed new clothes I would buy a 3 pack of shirts at Walmart. Or 1 pair of crappy jeans at Walmart. For the first time in like 20 years I went shopping for clothes and spend like 2-3 grand. I got like 6 business shirts, 10 sweaters, 7 pairs of pants, 15 pairs of new socks, 3 pairs of new shoes, etc. It barely made a dent in my savings. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Now I have a bunch of awesome clothes to wear to work and it feels so great!!
Thank god I stopped gambling. I know I lost a fortune. But you know what. Maybe I needed too. I feel blessed to write that I feel good and that I spent 3k and don’t care because it was on something I’m actually loving. Oh and I bought this amazing new backpack and just said fuck-it and got the best one.

Hi Vera – I definitely bought some small clothes this year. Not sure if it was the back surgery or what but I’ve gone up a size for sure and nearing 2.
Vera you are always good at helping others. You are seriously one of the best… You are so kind and caring. Please don’t say mean things about yourself… I’m trying not to do that about myself also. It sure is hard sometimes. But we need to love ourselves always. Lets do some pushups and sits ups today and fight back the weight… I ate 5 cookies last night that I shouldn’t have…. Oyyyy.

Haha. Just the one. I told myself and my brother last month when I was in New York that I just didn’t look that good. That all of my clothes seemed old and out of date. I told him I was going to update my entire wardrobe… Guess what. I had said that for years and never did it. This time I did. ??

I have never worn a nice watch either. But I think I’m going to get one finally. I know these things are silly btw. Clothes, watches, etc. But they do make me feel good walking around. I feel just a little bit more confident so I guess it’s worth it. ??

I’m not trying to be a pain and maybe you were being funny Vera but I don’t love labeling things like a “compulsive buyer” or always trying to see the connection to something negative in all things. At least not anymore. Some times people can just have some fun. Is buying a new car a compulsive buyer? Is eating a really nice meal and ordering a great desert a compulsive desert eater? Is a person that likes to surf everyday a compulsive surfer? I think we should be careful at labeling things. Reading that made me feel like you were saying I was doing something wrong for spending some of my hard earned money to buy something that makes me feel good.
Some one on here said that investing was like gambling and had this whole thing they had to say about it. Just want to throw out there that I pulled all money out of the stock market besides my Roth IRA’s about 4 weeks ago after I made a little. It’s all just sitting in a brokerage account and has been for this entire time. No stress in moving it or reinvesting it until the right time. Hence I haven’t done anything with it while researching the next stocks to buy when the time is right. Not everything has to be gambling or related to gambling always even though on the quick surface it may appear that way. Sometimes gambling is just gambling after time goes by and we have to put it to rest. It isn’t everything to me anymore.

Hi Laura,
I’m sure Vera was just typing fast and not meaning it as I took it. I’m super sensitive at times and a total pain in the butt. Vera has always been extremely supportive and kind. ??
Geordie was the person I got into with about the stock thing. He is also extremely kind and supportive and I appreciate him. I agree that certain things can be compulsive and bad but that doesn’t mean we need to dwell on it always. Sometimes a glass of wine is a glass of wine and not the beginning of alcoholism.
That being said none of us are experts (I could be wrong). We are all just people trying to live through this horrible struggle that we found ourselves in… Some of us longer and some of us shorter. We are all in the same family as we know how it feels… How it (being a gambler) feels….. I repeat that because only certain people know what I’m talking about. It hurts bad…”That Feeling”. You have to feel it to understand unfortunately. Similar to our backs and nerve damage. Until you know… You just don’t know… Do you?
Wow – That’s all I can say is wow… That’s major surgery on the back… Is your nerve damage motor or sensory? I have mainly motor damage and a tiny bit sensory. I can’t push up onto my toes on my right leg. My calf muscle is petty much completely gone. I had L5 S1 surgery where they took out somewhere between 30-50% of the disk. The MRI looks insane. I’m not even sure how I can walk when looking at it. This happening put everything in life into perspective. I’ve had major surgeries in the past but none of them woke me up like this. Not being able to walk is the scariest thing ever. Not gambling compared to not walking was an easy feeling to quantify.
Why are you having another surgery? Is the pain just hard core? What is the feeling that is causing that move? I’m sorry to ask but I’m just curious…. I’m so scared of the next back surgery. What happened to you that caused the first back surgery? Seems like a major surgery from an accident or something.
I really appreciate you understanding where I’m coming from. From the back stand point as well as the recovery stand point. I thank you for accepting me. I talk a big game and try to make sense of my recovery all the time. But I’m also worried all the time to not slip. I think I have such a hard stance on my beliefs because it helps me ultimately not go back to the person I used to be. That person I’m so scared of. That person that just doesn’t care. That person that is so selfish and hateful. That person that just existed but didn’t exist.
You say my postings might help others. You say that I am now an example. That is so kind of you to say and it feels good to read. But I’m not sure I am. I’m not sure anyone should listen to anything I have to say. I’m no beacon. I screwed things up for over 20 years making up BS so I could continue placing bets and dreaming of the big run. How great that was going to be. I remember every once in a while It would dawn on me that what would happen when I did hit it big…? Was I just going to quit gambling? Was I going to retire from it? The answer was always never there. I kind of pushed the thought out of my mind. Similar to the way I do with the questions – What to do about the massive piece of trash in the Atlantic Ocean? or world hunger? It was to big of a question to face so I just pushed it somewhere else in my head…
The only answer for me is not gambling. I’m not a better person for it. I’m not someone that should stand on a pedistal because I haven’t gambled. I’m a person who is fighting very hard to not feel like death everyday. Life is getting better though. I do feel I have a lot to offer.
If anyone that is in the midst of a gambling addiction is reading this I would stress that gambling puts you in a weird fog. This fog can take months to lift. You can’t see clearly in the fog. When it lifts things will become more clear. No one can say how thick your fog is but you. It will clear with time.

Day 333 – Very busy these days. Don’t think about gambling much these days…

Geordie – I’m glad you enjoy reading my posts. I’m glad to read your posts. I’m not sure what you want me to say? I’ve been pretty honest as far as I know. I don’t have much to defend or uphold. I will say it for the 20th time. I write on here for my recovery and to tell people the truth about how I feel. If they don’t like what I have to say then they don’t have to read it or agree with it. I’m not a professional counselor. I’m a recovering gambler. I’m not trying to prove myself to you or anyone else. Just to myself. If you don’t like me then I’m ok with that. I do beg one thing of you though. Please just email me a question or two and I’ll answer. But the long email thing doesn’t totally work for me. Also – If I’m going to answer your questions I think it fair that you answer mine. Tit for tat so to say…

Your question – The quick question was how’d you manage to pay 1-2 years debt off in less than six months?
Answer: The estimate to pay off the debt that you are pointing out was made by me based on my old salary and hoping I would work for 9 months or so last year. I also made that assumption while I was in a full blown fog of gambling so I wouldn’t put much merit on it. Fortunately I got lucky and was promoted earning 33% more per week and have not stopped working besides maybe 3-4 weeks in that time as well as picking up side work to make extra scratch. Plus I live a very meager lifestyle and have little to no bills. I also travel for work so I don’t pay rent most months. Does that answer that question for you? Whats the next one?

My question: What and why were you incarcerated 5 times in your life?

Jon

Oh – And I forgot to mention.

I don’t have to agree with you mate. Just because the book says that gal ha to be honest with people doesn’t;t mean she has to be honest with her potentially cheating boyfriend. I just don’t agree. If she is honest with him and puts all her eggs into his basket and then finds out he is cheating on her or leaves her than she is potentially worse off. She needs to be honest with herself and find the strength within. She needs to reach out to someone else that she can love and trust like a family member. Not some guy that isn’t being faithful. I’m a single man so maybe I look at the whole put all your eggs in the partner basket a little differently. I have a theory that gambling is a personal demon that can’t be beat by others. Others can arm us with the weapons but we need to learn how to master those weapons and use them against the demons in our own ways. How dare you tell me not to tell her my honest feelings. How dare you try to mussel me. Are you the GT police? Haha. I sound a bit mad but I’m not at all. ??

Geordie – I don’t understand how to explain my life to you to make you understand and believe in me. I have never been incarcerated and manage work forces of up to 100 men/women at a time. Yes, I had a gambling problem… And I’d like to hear your stories. But only about gambling. You have been incarcerated 5 times in your life. I’m not sure I should listen to you about much of anything else. I’m just saying. Do you think I should listen to you or have to explain myself over and over to a person that doesn’t believe you? Why would BS anyone on a blog site about my recovery? What do I have to gain from it? What are my motives? it seems like you really enjoy the role of senior person on this site which I can respect. But don’t call me out or my recovery man. You really have nom right.

Geordie – Do you have kids? If you had a choice between who your kids took advise from would it be a hardened criminal with little money who has been on the inside 5 times or a college grad who manages teams of up to 100 people or more and makes 6 figures (most years)?
This isn’t a competition but an honest question. I’ll debate anyone but I also don’t like defending myself to strangers over and over again and most likely will just leave this site and seek a place to write elsewhere. Ask all the questions you want but please give me the respect to believe me and have faith in my recovery.

I officially going to take a break from this site for a while. I think I’ve heard enough and been questioned enough. I can’t just be myself on here. I came on here because I wanted a safe place to talk and I feel like when I see the emails pop up I kind of cringe. I will take my recovery with me whether people on here or not feel that I’m not taking MY recovery seriously enough. Or that I hold a job over someones head. Or whatever. I’m just being myself and feel that’s not good enough for you folks. I guess now I see why there are like 10-15 people that stay on this site… It most likely is for this reason. I will seek my support elsewhere. Peace to you all and have a great 2018.

Day 335
Hi Everyone, Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I do want to still kind of take a GT chill pill as I think I may have taken my gambling addiction and somehow morphed it into using this site and wanting to talk and be heard when I don’t know how important that is to me now vs before when I was first starting my recovery. I don’t know if I do need this support or if I should be strong enough to just be gamble free without having to always talk about it or voice my thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are a burden to others and cause people to say they don’t believe me or question my motives, etc. I came on this site to help me understand my problem and hopefully stop gambling which I have done for 335 days. So firstly and most important – Thank you GT for giving me the forum to talk and be myself. To feel free to be honest and open. It has been great release for me and the support has been amazing and just what I needed at times.
Honestly – I love to talk to people, read there stories, offer some input, and want the best for everyone always. Can I be a jerk – Sure! I’m only back on here writing today because I got like 5 emails in the last day from you very kind folks as well as read this rant from Geordie which fired me up to write today. I also had what I consider a somewhat odd conversation with Geordie who for the life of me can’t seem to make understand my pretty simple life. I read his whole thought process again as I’ve done a number of times and I really don’t understand his fascination with my story or the fact that he just won’t believe me for some reason and that he wants me to constantly prove myself and tell him over and over again about my life and then only hearing back that he doesn’t get it and that he feels I need to do this or that and just doesn’t believe in me… I find it odd and somewhat negative, and condesending. I found it to feel negative when I read it. I feel when I read that its an attack on me somehow. And maybe I need to look within to understand why I feel that way when he writes me. I don’t generally ever feel that way when reading others posts to me even when they are saying some tough truths. I did it and I had a quick scoff but seem to come to a compromise and now I think we are closer than before…?!? The truth to me is if a person can’t add 2+2 and get 4 then I can’t really help them… or honestly care to talk to them. I find it a waste of time. I would suggest that they do take a math class or another class that helps them with their calculations. Geordie I do not seek your approval but would I guess like to hear that you believe in me and not have it come as a two faced back handed compliment like I feel you do often. The only reason I brought up your 5 times in prison was to prove a point. You first used my words against me and to prove that I was a lier or something. Not everything we say defines us as a whole. Yes, you went to prison 5 times… Does that define you as a person? Should I base my judgments off of what I think of a person that had to go to jail 5 times in order to finally recognize right from wrong? Or should I read between the lines to Geordies life and not question and antagonize him about those things or should I support and care about him? Did I question whether he did in fact go to jail 5 times or did I simply believe him and not push him about it as I knew it was a sensitive subject to branch and really none of my business. That being said I do respect Geordie for his service on this site, the way he wants to help others, the way he wants to help me, and the fact that he has almost a year gamble free. I don’t think he needs to be revered on here for being an elder statesman though. He is just a recovering gambler who obviously has flaws like everyone else and if he knew all the answers, well lets just be honest, he wouldn’t have had to go to jail 5 times to figure out that 1 gambling is bad and 2 that doing illegal shite is bad and lands you in jail.
Was I wrong for talking about myself and my job, shopping for new clothes and how it made me feel good, or how I was out of debt and excited to possibly invest smart rather than what I had been doing for 23 years, etc. Maybe I was and thats something I want to think about. This is part of the reason I felt I should take a break, maybe I should think about what I say on a site like this more as people take it very seriously. and they should I suppose. But like I’ve always said I’m on here for me and to have a running ***** and journal too I can reflect back always at how bad it was.
I also would like to point out that an issue I have with Geordie is the way he puts things… I said I wanted to take a break from GT, but somehow he hears as I am running away. Thats just not a supportive positive view point and partially why Geordie and I have issue. I think he doesn’t choose his words correctly but I do think his emotions are directed come from a good place.
Laura and Geordie – You guys asked a question and apparently I haven’t answered it. Geordie pointed it out like I was running from the question but honestly I hadn’t really seen it. To answer the question whether I think having money available to me is a bad or good idea…? The answer I don’t think it matters 1 iota. I have control over millions of dollars at work. I have access to company cards with very high limits and have throughout my gambling career. That was just a line I was never willing to cross. I also talk on here that quitting gambling for me is a self control thing. Sure I needed to have my finances held for me for my first 2-3 months while getting out of the gambling fog but part of the growing process is getting access again and being able to have self control. I’m not a child. I’m an adult who needs to be in control of my finances and my life. I have often said that similar to an alcoholic a gambler can’t just not ever be around gambling again similar to the way an alcoholic will have to be in the presence of alcohol again… they have to have the inner strength and self control to not drink the same way I have to to not gamble. I can’t just live the rest of my life like a child having my mommy look after me and my finances. Geordie has spoken about how his boss has to hold his money, etc. I just can’t do something like that or I would be fired as I’m the guy that’s supposed to be trusted there. And lets just examine that for a moment. 51 year old man that has his boss handle his finances. Is that someone I need to take advise from?
Geordie – You also mentioned that you have taken a couple courses about becoming a counselor. Thats great. But I’m pretty sure none of us would go to a doctor to fix our broken arms if the doctor had his certificate of 2 med classes complete. I would also love to know your gap in that course work?

This isn’t an attack on Geordie either. This is me trying to point something out… We are all problems gamblers who are seeking support. I’ve heard on here that GA is a mans club. That people at GA don’t care. That people at GA don’t do this or don’t do that that is supportive. I think the people that say that need to take a step back when visiting GA and realize you are entering a place where sick people are that are trying to get better. They are not people that are professional counselors and shouldn’t;t be looked at as such. They are people with MAJOR issues. Is it a mans club? Hard to say, I do agree that more men are in my GA meetings. I am curious if more men have gambling problems or are less woman willing to admit it and seek help or just don’t need the same similar venting process that men do? It is an interesting questions from a sociological perspective…
It just seems to me that Geordie tells people how it has to be and then uses his own life experiences such as his lack of control and where to draw the line vs what someone else’s lack of control on where to draw the line. For Geordie having access to a lot of money is an impossibility. For me it isn’t. For Geordie investing in a diversified portfolio is gambling and he can’t see past it.But for me it isn’t. Some people may think the earth is flat. But I don’t and that all okay. I am doing better at having self control. And if I gamble again I will be the first one to admit it.
I think we can all agree that none of us or anyone at GA are professional career care givers or professionals when dealing with mental health issues or addiction. We are the addicts and experts at our own addictions and need a safe place to vent our thoughts and hear others thoughts back like this site or GA. There shouldn’t be any right and wrong with people’s thoughts unless those thoughts are about suicide. Then of course we need to intervene. No one on here should question whether we are lying about numbers? No one on hear should put words in each others mouths. Just let this site be what it should be. A a safe place to talk and be yourself and hopefully get some sound advise how to stop gambling. I don’t feel as safe as before so I want to take a moment to think about things. I’m not leaving this site forever. I’m just not going to be posting things like this much more. I’ll just keep my ***** going. Peace everyone and be well!

Ok moving on please answer one of the questions I posed to you. How long does a person need to have their finances looked over in your opinion after stopping gambling?
A. The rest of our lives?
B. 1 Year
C. 10 Years
D. When it feels like they have self control again?
E. When you say so

Please answer?

And you are mixing words. Not believing something someone says over and over again and having to make them prove it and then still not believing them and them and then writing about it is implying you don’t believe in them… Don’t be foolish about that. You can lie to yourself all you want but I don’t accept your BS.

I really believe in you but I just think your a lier. Oh you want to take a break from posting, you must be running away. Oh you have access to your money, you must not be taking your recovery seriously. Oh you want to invest… Well thats gambling no matter how you do it. I bought some clothes and feel good, well I must be a compulsive buyer now… All of it just is odd to me. I came here to stop gambling…

In your posts you say something nice and then you backhand me across the back of the head… Do you not see that? I did it back to you to prove a point. But as I’ve pointed out. If you can’t add 2+2 and make 4 then we’ll never understand each other.

Hi Monicau,
I just saw your email and gees this site is hard to stay away from. I just love replying to people and most likely just love the sound of my own voice…hehe. I also feel a certain kinship to you… I am so extremely sensitive sometimes and especially when it comes to gambling stuff. It took so much from me that it taking anymore in any form is just not allowed for me. It just digs right into a place that I don’t allow.
Thank you so much for this post. I really needed it. I’m definitely going overboard on this one but it just irks me so when someone says your truth is a lie to them. It’s just like…why? Why won’t this person just believe me and be empathetic. Last night I was respectful upon his request to talk personally over the hotline, we talked for a few minutes but I was busy at work. He literally belittled my gambling problem to me and my debt as if my problems weren’t enough for him and since I make this amount of money why would I even have a problem, etc. Then told me he didn’t believe what I was saying and asked me to explain my earnings to him which I did and then after that he was like thanks for explaining that helps but I still don’t believe you…Then today spouts off about this and that. I didn’t even get to finish what we were talking about because I had to finish work and got dragged away. The dude should take a chill pill on me and just let it go. Obviously I don’t like his views and don’t think I need his advise if it feels negative. I have said a number of times I would welcome his advise and thoughts, but please keep it a little shorter and be positive about my recovery and respond to my questions with answers as well and believe me when I answer.
About the stock market question you bring up. I agree that everyone has different levels of issues. What might appear a small issue to one might feel like a huge burden to another and vice versa. The truth is that most well off folks in this world do invest and diversify those investments to do it in a safe manner. Those accounts generally have set goals… some being more aggressive and some being very safe. The investor gets to choose that. In our world inflation is moving at a rate of 1-2% a year. Meaning the price of milk will be double in roughly 50 years. What cost $5 today will cost $10 then. Meaning if you have $1 now it’s worth $.50 then. If you don’t invest to offset inflation then you are not being penny smart in my eyes even if one might consider it gambling. Honestly I drive to work everyday and some might say thats a gamble. We take gambles and risks everyday. The difference for all of us is gambling on a known or an unknown. If you buy a house in a down market in a good neighborhood the likelihood is the house will go in value over the next 50 years. Is that a good or bad gamble/risk? Whose to say? I’m guessing Geordie would call that a gamble. I call it an investment and being smart with your money (penny smart). Also – When I was born there was 6billion people in the world. Now there are 7billion people. When I’m 80 there will be 8billion people in the world. It’s pretty simple math to see that the consumers are growing meaning demand will always be steadily moving up while resources will steadily moving down meaning that business is going to go well.

Hi Laura,
I really appreciate your post. Thats the type of thing ZI need to hear. I’m so sorry that happened to you but I could really learn from that. I do worry that something major could possibly happen like a family member passing away and would I gamble again. I’d like to say I won’t but I guess whose to say. What do you do now with your finances in order to have control but also not be able to gamble if some strong trigger knocks me on my butt and I want to gamble again?

Monicau,
I am an unbearable prick sometimes. I often talk to my life coach about why I’m such an unbearable prick… But being this way has also helped me in certain walks of life. As crazy as it sounds. By being an unbearable prick got me my back surgery months earlier than it was supposed to happen. It got me back in the gym and fighting hard for my life back. It allows me to known what I wanted and tell people clearly. I stand up for myself. I don’t scare easily. I don’t just allow someone to hurt me or let someone just cut in line (unless they are scary looking of course). ?? But it also means I can be just that… An unbearable prick. And I’m not always right either. But I have strong conviction, which can be a curse sometimes.

Day 343 – Hope all is well.

Day 350 – Hope you’re all well!

Day 359

Day 369 – Don’t really think about gambling much these days. Glad to have moved on with my life. I still want to keep my ***** though for some odd reason. I gambled for over 23 years. It can be done.

Thanks IDI. How are you doing these days?

Best,
Jon

Last Gamble Day I think was 12/27/16. Happy to report that. Thank you for your kind thoughts all. Please be well.

I hope you are all staying strong and gamble free in 2018.

Best,
Jon

Hi Everyone – I hope you are all doing better and taking things one day at a time. I’m still gamble free since 2016 which is great. I’m not sure how I managed to stop. I drove by a casino the other day and thought maybe I could have a great night but then realized that can’t happen. I saw a basketball game on and thought the under will hit but that was about it. I haven’t gambled in over 14 months but still have these tiny thoughts every once in a while. I don’t need the money. I just want that high. Going to read some others stories on here and say hello.
Best.

Hi Diamond,
I hope my story has helped you a little. I have a bunch of advice for sure. Gambling is a horrible addiction and affliction to have to deal with day in and day out. The truth is life is hard. I think we can both agree on that. Life and gambling is nearly impossible. I gambled for over 20 years and lived like that. It took mostly everything from me.
My first advise is:
1. Decide that you 100% want to quit. There can be no question.
2. Surrender to it. Know that you have lost what you have lost and that it can never be won back. It is gone and that is ok.
3. Get rid of all access to money. However you can do this your need to do it. No money, no gamble. That simple.
4. Block yourself from access to gambling (I think this is a solid step but not a guarantee. There are too many places to gamble to get banned from all of them. This sounds nice but is virtually impossible. I liken this to an alcoholic banning themselves from every establishment that sells alcohol in the world.)
5. Go to some GA meetings and check them out. They can only help. Being able to speak to people that have a similar problem is very helpful.
6. Find a life coach that you trust and start trying to figure out what the root of the problem is that made you want to gamble. Want the high of gambling. Wanted to self destruct. Wanted to win fast without working hard. What drives the beast? What has happened to you to make you this way? We all have demons/issues and need to address them in order to help have better self control. You spent a bunch of money hurting yourself – Why not spend money to help yourself.
7. Start exercising
8. Start giving time to help others
9. Start thinking about three things you are grateful for when you wake up and before you go to sleep.
10. Do trancendental meditation in the am and in the evening.
11. Start reading one book per week.
12. Start a new diet.
13. Start writing in a daily journal about how you feel. Maybe this site is good for that?
14. Trust someone and tell them about your gambling problem.
15. Try to find happiness.

Hope you are well and doing great!

Sounds like you’re conquering the beast I did it. Good work. It gets easier with time.

Hi SaraJ,
Sounds like you are in a similar place that I was in a year or two ago. It seems impossible and like there is no end in sight. It also feels like everything is caving in.
Why do you feel like you continue to go back? Is it the rush of gambling? Do you need the money? Is sounds like you can’t afford to lose that money as you need it for the basic things in life like eating.
I’m not sure what gave me the strength to finally say enough’s enough. I do think losing the nerve in my calf had something to do with it but I was also done with gambling in my head. I knew I couldn’t win it back. I was too far down. Thee was no way out for me accept potentially killing myself or quitting. Thats how bad I was. I had to let it go. I had to start rebuilding. I needed to start healing and stop pealing the scab off. I wanted my life back and compulsive gambling to stop. I made the decision. I let it go. I moved on. Is it hard? most of the time it isn’t. But I still think about it every once in a while. I don’t think I think about in an unhealthy way, usually the thoughts are about what life might have been like had I not gambled… would it have been different…. Then I realize that’s not my life and I move on and think about something I can change.

Hi Sara J,
Thank you for your very honest response. You seem like an incredibly intuitive person. How is your recovery coming along?
I actually had an odd feeling of wanting to gamble a few nights ago. Not sure why. It passed after a time. It’s been close to 16 months of gamble free time for me. I’m thankful and grateful that I don’t live like I used to.
I hope everyone on here finds the strength to stop.

You are doing great Sara! Congrats! I bet you feel a bit more balanced now.
Gambling is so scary. Good Work Idid It!
Lets keep on not gambling everyone!
Happy Mothers Day to all you mothers out there!

Hello GT World,

Just thought I’d stop in and say hello and give everyone an update. Seeing a Lot of familiar names on here still which is nice. Good to see people are helping others.

I just passed my 2 year gamble free Anniversary on Dec 27. So that’s good. Life actually is pretty good. Quitting gambling was by far the ultimate game changer in my life. Sometimes I think about gambling. I turn on a game and watch for a few minutes before I pass out of boredom. The truth is. will never gamble again. It took so much from me for so long. And quite frankly it doesn’t work… The match doesn’t lie. I worked for over ten years and made pretty decent money… when gambling. To show for it and all my genius and all my plans and all my tomorrows I was living in my dads garage, driving a beat up car, always feeling the stress, never having time for anything or anyone, being n debt up to my eye balls, loving pay check to paycheck, feeling lonely, feeling like a nothing blight on society, always looking for the next score, not eating well, etc., it never er ended. Just a process of shit.
Because I was able to quit gambling I have the following now. A great and clean apartment with all the nicest things a person could want, I was able to leave a decent job and take on a bigger challenge and seemed out a better company and got it. still have the same car as I like to save money. Have a chunk of money invested in the stock market and am doing ok. Have an emergency fund. Am taking great care of my teeth. Get acupuncture, massages, treatments for my back, etc. I could get fired tomorrow and bye fine on money for at least 2-3 years because of the money I have saved over the last 2 years.
I’m not saying this to brag or say how great I am. I’m really not great. I’m always hurting just like anyone else. But now I just don’t gamble. I don’t allow it in my life. It’s bad. It’s the devil. It’s the worst of a person coming out.
We can all stop though. We can have life back. The simple choice of not doing it will solve the equation. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes inner strength. It takes everything you have and more. Gambling compulsion is a very serous issue and needs to be dealt with with the same ferociousness that you gambled with. A non stop will to say NO.
Good luck everyone. I love you all.

Thanks Monica and Jen! That’s extremely kind of you both to say hello.

Monica – 18 Months – Woot! That’s amazing. Great work. Well… we sure worked hard and long at hurting ourselves… I suppose we’ll have to work just as hard or harder to improve our situations.

Jen – I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with this horrible compulsion that we share. What do you think you need to have happen to say you’re done once and for all? You can have your life back and not gamble anymore by simply not allowing it in your life. I know it’s not easy, but whats the alternative? If the gambling path working out well from a mental, physical, and economic stand point? If so then keep going y all means. But if it isn’t…. then it’s a simple equation really. That equals its time to stop. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. So basically you’re driving yourself insane… It’s proven that your brain releases more of the drug we all love so much right before a loss. Not a win, but a loss. Meaning you get more high right before a loss. Your body and brain secretly and quietly want to loose so you can feed that high or fog. In takes a while to get out of the gambling fog but once you do you will see clearer. At the end of the day quitting should be the easiest thing really. All we have to do is STOP.

Much love. Please keep me posted on your recovery. Life isn’t ever perfect but it’s better not gambling. ??

Thanks Monica and Jen! That’s extremely kind of you both to say hello. 

Monica – 18 Months – Woot! That’s amazing. Great work. Well… we sure worked hard and long at hurting ourselves… I suppose we’ll have to work just as hard or harder to improve our situations. 

Jen – I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with this horrible compulsion that we share. What do you think you need to have happen to say you’re done once and for all? You can have your life back and not gamble anymore by simply not allowing it in your life. I know it’s not easy, but whats the alternative? If the gambling path working out well from a mental, physical, and economic stand point? If so then keep going y all means. But if it isn’t…. then it’s a simple equation really. That equals its time to stop. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. So basically you’re driving yourself insane… It’s proven that your brain releases more of the drug we all love so much right before a loss. Not a win, but a loss. Meaning you get more high right before a loss. Your body and brain secretly and quietly want to loose so you can feed that high or fog. In takes a while to get out of the gambling fog but once you do you will see clearer. At the end of the day quitting should be the easiest thing really. All we have to do is STOP.

Much love. Please keep me posted on your recovery. Life isn’t ever perfect but it’s better not gambling. ??

Thanks Monica and Jen! That’s extremely kind of you both to say hello. 

Monica – 18 Months – Woot! That’s amazing. Great work. Well… we sure worked hard and long at hurting ourselves… I suppose we’ll have to work just as hard or harder to improve our situations. 

Jen – I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with this horrible compulsion that we share. What do you think you need to have happen to say you’re done once and for all? You can have your life back and not gamble anymore by simply not allowing it in your life. I know it’s not easy, but whats the alternative? If the gambling path working out well from a mental, physical, and economic stand point? If so then keep going y all means. But if it isn’t…. then it’s a simple equation really. That equals its time to stop. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. So basically you’re driving yourself insane… It’s proven that your brain releases more of the drug we all love so much right before a loss. Not a win, but a loss. Meaning you get more high right before a loss. Your body and brain secretly and quietly want to loose so you can feed that high or fog. In takes a while to get out of the gambling fog but once you do you will see clearer. At the end of the day quitting should be the easiest thing really. All we have to do is STOP.

Much love. Please keep me posted on your recovery. Life isn’t ever perfect but it’s better not gambling. ??