[Johnny B]

I am reading in several posts about relapse.  There are many times where a relapse occurs, and we tend to lose far more than we were losing prior to the recognition of our issues.  This is an interesting phenomonon to me.  I an not a psychologist, but it seems to make sense to me in that it is something we haven’t done for awhile, something we feel guilty about, and something that we “can’t” let happen…Therefore, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  There are many times where I have had the “urge” to play again, but I am extremely scared that it might bring me down the wrong path again.  I can’t do it responsibly, therefore I cannot do it at all.  I hope anybody who reads this can relate, because I want everybody who wants to recover, to get better, and avoid the pitfalls that face us everyday.  

Unfortunatley, it doesn’t go away on it’s own, and it needs to be psycologically beaten.  The thoughts need to be controlled, and the worst case scenario must play out before you make the “choice” to do it again.  Too much time, too much pain, too many dollars have been spent to slide down the same slope again.  To each and every one of us, I wish for the strength to battle the demons that have bound us to our past, and I hope that clearer days are ahead.  Get our heads above the clouds, and appreciate the sunshine above.  We can beat this, lord know it has beaten us for many years!

Best wishes to all.

I hope you can find peace in youself, and let the gambler go!  

Johnny B

[finding_laura]

It is hard to believe but I managed to let that pain fade so far into the past that it didn’t hold as much threat somehow. I had stayed gamble free for 5 and a half years. For me I know it was that I no longer was using my support systems. I no longer read or posted at GT and hadn’t for probably a year or so anyway. I hadn’t gone to a GA meeting in a year, and probably a year before that one as well. Just to pick up my 4 and 5 year chips and accept handshakes. I hadn’t been attending any sort of counseling for at least a couple years. I had stopped working my step work with a recovery mate. My health was on the downward spiral again and my relationship was right behind it so I was depressed I’m sure and just tired of having to stiff upper lip it all the time and be told that I’m a big baby at the same time. So guess what? Everything was the same as the last time I started. The only thing that saved me from some of the horror of before is that I was on a much shorter financial and unaccounted for time leash. I have managed to put the breaks on again. 1 year. I’ve spent a lot of time of time here in an effort to hold myself accountable. I’ve discussed all details of finances with hubby. It never changed since the last time I gambled. It’s still no worth it. I’m hoping that this time I have finally let the gambler go. Take care Johnny! Good post.

Laura

[kathryn]

I love your words.
They are so true. The slips ive had in my 9 years since I made the decision to take back control of my life were always when my self exclusion had lapsed. I knew exactly what I was doing each time. And each time I felt physically ill, guilt ridden and paranoid.
The decision is easy for me. Keep up my exclusion and temptation is taken away. Abstinence is not the key though, and as you have stated this is a psychological addiction that needs therapy of all kinds to help us live as ‘normal’ people.
The sun shines for me Johnny, even in my darkest day I can say I will not gamble. It has been a long road, and a road I will always travel, but with support I know that I will not stray from the path.
Thank you for posting this, it was a great read.
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Johnny
My recovery is still very much in it’s infancy but I recognise that those thoughts control me a lot .
I have barriers built upon barriers and still I know without them I would be back to square one .
I do notice however as time passes my mid is starting to focus on other things – and therefore less on gambling so I guess that’s some kind of progress.
Most night I battle with myself about bingo , a few nights a week I battle about the lottery and yet this is so much less than where I was six months ago.

Recovery is strange – for some it’s a once off decision and hey never look back ,- for others it’s a long drawn out battle with hazards around every corner – yet for all it is achceivable and a better life is achievable .

Your post has been particularly helpful in reminding me that iwe can all beat this .

[charles]

For me the important fact is that if we need help to stop gambling then it is equally important to use support to maintain recovery. If i continue to do that then I am less at risk of a relapse and can continue to enjoy life without gambling.

[Johnny B]

Thank you for your response Laura.  I find it amazing that we ever felt gambling was worth it.  Especially since it became more than a controled distraction.  Keep the faith, keep up the good work!

[Johnny B]

Thanks for your kind words.  In the states there is legislation to relax the rules to get off of the self exclusion lists in many of the states.  In Illinois, where I am from, they say it is a 5 year ban….However, to get off the list, you need a qualified gambling counselor to agree that you no longer have compulsive issues (obviously, NO counselor will sign off on that )…in effect it becomes a lifetime ban.  However, there is discussion on relaxing those rules.  Ironically, in the last 5 years they have opened up slot play in bars, restaurants, and slot parlors….which have no exclusion list… It is good old fashioned will power which keep us out of those places…. I actually am a skeptic.  I think the Casino industry is crying foul, that the slot parlors have access to the gambling addict, who has signed up for the self exclusion, therefore reaping the $$$$ that they uncontrollably lose with not repricusions (if you are on the self exclusion list you will be charged with trespassing if you enter a casino).  The claim is that “more” people will used the self exclusion if the ramifications werent so severe….The reallity is the self exclusion is a tool, just like someone else being in control of the finances.  The true power to be in control lies within ourselves.  I am glad you are beyond the dark days of gambling, and I too am getting closer.  If nothing else, I weigh my optoins far more than I have in the past, and the negative consequenses has always outweighed the positive potential, therefore I have stayed the course!

Thanks for you time and your kind words.

[Johnny B]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.  You and I are in similar points in our recovery.  Every day the thoughts of gambling become less and less.  I do still play the lottery, very sparingly since I always felt it was likely a waste of money.  but I haven’t done the races or the casino, or the slots in over 7 months.  There are days that I am dissapointed in myself for “doing it wrong” and losing control.  I still debate that level of addiction that I had, however, there is no debating the amount of debt, stress, and dissapointment my gambling had caused.  Life is much better without it, than it is with it.  I don’t truly “miss” it, but there are still fleeting thoughts of the excitement I used to have, but then I remember the depression that followed.  Im too old to ride that roller coaster anymore.  You are a stallwart on this site, and I thank you for your input.  GT is much better with you sharing your experiences!

[Johnny B]

I agree that abstinence is never enough.  How many times have we “stayed away” for several months, only to come crashing back to our old habits.  I do find it important to share, and talk about the experiences… I also feel very comfortable among friends on GT that we can talk openly and honestly about our situations.  I have days where I am angry with myself that I put myself in this position, but I am very happy that I found others who share what I have been through, because in my personal world , nobody understood what I was going through, and how hard it was to control!…. but we are past that now, and I am flying straight and strong!!

Thanks for your time

[finding_laura]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts you shared. I got a lot out of this string of posts. Great food for thought!

[vera]

After 27 G-Free months , I turned thought into action. Three months ago , I decided to gamble. Nobody forced me. I gambled wildly for over 3 months. Nothing has changed in Gambling World! How did it happen? I had saved ￡**** (a very healthy 4 figure sum) Started to “dip in”. Lost everything. Borrowed ￡ * * * * to half cover my tracks. Lost that too. Moral of the story? CGs are not normal when it comes to handling money. It’s exactly like carrying a loaded shot gun in your hip pocket. Just for today, I will pretend it was all a bad dream. Denial is a useful Mental Defence Mechanism.

[i-did-it]

So deeply sorry to read this Vera but also so full of admiration for your bravery in coming back to share and seek help.

It is a constant battle – the urges are never far away and the temptation is overwhelming. You have achieved an amazing 27 months and you can do it again.

Denial is useful but so is action- when you are ready you can start a new plan and start to rebuild the money .

Of course we all know it’s not just about the money – it’s the horrible feelings you described on Lizbeth’s thread – the horrible aftermath when reality kicks in.

You have helped so many on here – start a new thread and let the community help you through this .
Xx

[charles]

Vera, get back to meetings, get back to your thread, get back to the groups. In short get your ar?e back to the things that were working for you.

[Monica1]

Yes, please come back to the community. We really valued your support and threads. We all know how important support is needed for Odaat. Wtf happened? What triggered it? Just lately many of my friends on line have relapsed after long periods in recovery and I too have had urges but not acted upon them.
Charles is right, get back to what helps, we care about u.

[vera]

By God’s Grace and shrewd banking my now 5 figure sum “PLAN/FUND”(starting with the figure “1”), has not been touched. I need to give 7 days notice to release that.

The money I lost, was in a separate Savings Account. It was a wedding present for my son.

[vera]

Triggers can be ignored.

When I decide to gamble, I gamble explosively.

When I decide to stay gamble free, that’s exactly what I do.

Perhaps it sounds a bit cut and dried.

I am an “all or nothing” type.

I need to get in touch with The Golden Mean.

[finding_laura]

heya Vera, I’m so sorry to hear about your return trip to hell. Thank god for all the barriers you still had in place and that you didn’t go any further down the rabbit hole. Compulsive gambling is an all or nothing problem. And really I guess the nothing part isn’t the problem it’s when we put our all into gambling that we run into trouble. You had supports that you used before. What about your GA group? They were so important to you. Can you get yourself to a meeting? We have missed your presence and wise words around here. I know how you feel. 5 and a half years I flushed down the toilet. But! I came back and settled back into recovery. And it didn’t take long before it felt like I hadn’t been gone at all. You can do this Vera. Back on that horse that bucked you off. Use your supports, increase the money going to the “safe” fund and not so much for the other. In hindsight you probably realize you had too much money available. But you can change that. What have we always been told and what have we always advised? Build those barriers higher! I know we can scheme but really when we want to stop and stay stopped they do help. Big huggggggggg Vera. I’ve been thinking about you these past few months. You can do this. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Which I gather is the plan or you wouldn’t have been ready to post. Be kind to yourself Vera. xo Laura

[vera]

Get Back in the USSR!!!

If only Life would be that simple, Charles!!

[charles]

Vera, the good news is that you KNOW what works, you KNOW what helped you get to those 27 gamble free months. Just get back to it. I hope I see you in the groups this evening, after tonight I’m on a 2 week break.

[i-did-it]

Vera

This is great news – you have not hit rock bottom.

You  are a strong woman  – you can draw a line in the sand and move on from this .

Your fund  is intact and you havent undone all your immense efforts.

There is enough money in there  for your son’s wedding .

I am so glad you put restrictions on that account – well done for that .

Get back on the horse Vera- you will  ok !

[Author]

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