I checked in here from time to time Vera mostly to follow your success. I am very envious of your 27 months!! I am also very proud of you. You did it before you can do it again. This time I hope we can do it together. I wish nothing but the best for us all.

Day 4. Ita always easy for me to stop gambling after the storm and reality sink in. What is yet to be determined is can I continue on after the clean up. God I pray. All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

Thanks Charles! You are so right. I believe when things are better. ( I pray and have faith that they will be) That is the most important time to keep posting etc) 

Thanks Marke. I will be following and routing for you as well. I am scared because I have known for many many years that I have a problem.  Crazy how after each relapse time goes by and things get better and I jump right into the quick sand or  “stand in front of the firing squad“ as Vera would say. It’s aalmost as If there are two of me.   I have to stay active in my recovery. Meaning after 30,60 90 days is when I have to be the strongest. I have said it too many times “complacency will kick our a…..”.  On to my day 5. Going to try to live in the day and not worry about tomorrow. 

Day 6. Been up since 3am. I was thinking yesterday ….. there really is a simple solution.. “drink the poison and slowly die” “don’t drink the poison and live”. Choose Satan’s will for my life or choose Gods will for my life” it all comes down to a simple choice….. Why have I made the wrong one for so many years?? Why am I so afraid of making the wrong choice again? Why can’t I live for today vs worry about next month, 3 months 6 months etc. I overwhelm myself with being afraid that history will someday repeat itself. I pray the ending will be different this time. “I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me”

Remembering why I have been an intravert on this site for so long.

Hi I did it! I can never seem to get on chat and or into meetings.  I am from the states so not sure if that has something to do with it….   I will keep trying. Hope I run into you on chat.  

Day 7. I m up super early today. It’s so scary how the mind of an addict thinks. A week ago I wanted to die! I told myself I will never put myself through this crap again. Here it is a week later and I think “I will just get back my last loss and than I will quit, I will just get back half than I will stop,” blah blah blah! Seriously??? That is how I got in the mess in the first place. Chasing 700.00 cost me another 4000.00 and left me with shame,quilt, stress, racing thoughts, unhappiness etc,etc. I just can’t let the addicts brain take control anymore. I refuse to take the bait!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Gobble till you wobble!

Day 9.

Day 10. I am a little stressed. Was supposed to got to New Orleans with some friends in a few weeks. We booked several months ago. The flight and hotel were free through Harrah’s. We planned to go and not step foot in casino.. well after thinking about it, I decided not to put myself in that position and not to go. Anyways I just got a letter confirming flight info. In the letter it states that no shows will be charged for flight and room no matter what excuse I have. I wonder how they will charge me when they do not have my bank info??? Does anyone know what will happen??

Thank. I did it. I will try that. Part of me really wants to go and stay away from the casino. The other part knows I will be asking for trouble.  It makes Me mad that I have to stay away from one of my favorite cities.   Do you have any suggestions as to what you meant by charitable organizations???

Thanks Danielle! Yup the fog has lifted. As you know that’s both good and bad…… I try to convince myself of all sorts of things. I have to take my mind back to why I am here and why I keep coming back after all these years. If nothing changes, than nothing changes. I hope  you are doing well.

Thanks I did it.

Thank you for your words Monica1. I am powerless and do believe my higher power can restore me to sanity. I just get in his way too often. Hopefully this is the time.

Day 13. That actually sounds comical when it should be day 7300 or something like that. Oh well, I keep trying and eventually it will stick. Believing this is the time. “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

Ugggh! I brought this up before but it has me full of anxiety today. 4-5 months back Harrah’s’s Casino In New Orleans invited me and a guest on “free” trip to New Orleans (flights, room, transportation). I invited a my friend. We planned on going because we love the city but we had plans to stay out of casino….. than she asked her sisters. They booked their own flights but I was able to get them a room. Well last week I decided I just can’t go. I would be putting myself in the danger zone. Anyways I told my freind and she understood and we were going to just make up an excuse as to why I could not go at the last minute. No plans to tell her sisters. Anyways the casino charges for airfare and room to no shows. Not sure how. They do not have my bank info but I suppose they can bill me. Well today I decided to just call and tell the casino the truth. Well they told me since I am the primary guest if I canceled than the trip would be canceled. The others could not stay. I told them I will just call back.. ugggh! Any advise?? I want to go but I know it will end up in disaster. Someone told me to go and do other things. Easier said than done. I just want to crawl under a rock. Maybe I should just book a room for them somewhere else and pay for it but than this “free trip will have costed me over a 1000.00 without even going. If I do go it will most likely end up costing way more. Uggggh! Never meant for this chaos.

That’s why I love you Vera. You tell it like it is. Now all I need is God to give me the strength to do exactly what you said and let what happens happen.

Day 14. Time flies. I called the casino yesterday and left a message. Still waiting to hear back. I also sent an email basically saying what Vera suggested. To be honest I did not want to. The gambler in me still wanted to go and did not want to “close the door all the way”. I do feel relief now that I did. I know that if I want to live a better life I have to cut out all the crap that leads me on the destructive path of gambling. I need to ignore those messed up thoughts that tell me “just do it, be careful, it will be fun blah blah blah. Sick and tired of being sick and tired….. Gambling…….. what a waste of life! Even as I say that I still want to. I hope that changes someday.

Nothing. I am going to call again tomorrow and than that will be it. Glad I emailed at least there is a paper trail that I tried to let them know what is going on.

Day 15. Got paid today. Went and got cashiers checks. Paid my bills. Paid extra to car payment and a double payment to a debt and got cashiers check for extra to give “my other 1/2 “to hold on to till next year. The extra he is sitting on is for saving or emergency never to go directly back to me. Of course I wanted to use the money to try and make more. We all know how that works. The last time I tried that it put me 4800 behind. (Not to mention all the chaos of chasing) I am relieved yet sick to my stomach knowing everything I paid out should really be money to save. Can’t go back in time just forward. I wish I could just get over my last screw up. Ugggh! Makes me sick thinking about what almost 5k could do. In reality that’s nothing compared to all the money I pissed away over the years. I got a response from the Casino. It was an email that said “your trip per offer has been canceled” I will assume that is it and I will not be billed since they did not say anything about it. God I hope that’s the end of it. I still have to tell one of my friend who still plans to go that she is out of luck and will have to book her own trip if she still wants to go with the others we asked. I can’t worry about that. It’s not like she paid in the first place. I still feel bad but it is what it is. My head is already planning for the next pay. God give me the strength to do the same thing. I am not wrecking another Christmas due to gambling. Already done shopping but I do not want to be around family during a gambling hangover. A day at a time, a check st a time.

Thank you for your post Kathryn! I remember you from many years ago. You are doing Great! I hope to say the same for myself someday.

It’s day 16. I want nothing more than to plop myself in front of a slot machine or belly up to a card table. Not going to happen. I have plans with my son. Actually I never really gambled on the weekends he is with me and not by his dads… there is always later next week/weekend. However I have less than 300.00 till next pay and I will not go without a bigger bank roll. That way I have more to loose chasing losses. How crazy is that? . I know that if I really wanted to go to casino, i unfortunately have other ways to get money. I banned myself from a casino close to home so the two hour drive to another one does help as a deterrent. I banned myself 5 times from the casino near me. They do not offer lifetime bans only one year. I must have the record on self bans at that casino in one lifetime. I have to keep reminding myself of how I felt just a few weeks ago. Driving 2 hours to get home after being up for 36 hours. The tears, the regret, the shame, the fear of what’s to come, the racing thoughts… you know, the good ole hangover. Did I mention I looked like hell because I am a smoker but very occasional, however while gambling I chain smoke than my skin looks like I was dragged face down across cement. . Do I really want to feel that way again??? Never! At least not today.

Thanks for the advise i-did-it, there are several casinos in all different directions, each ~ 2 hours away. As silly as it sounds I would not waste the numerous drives to go ban myself from all of them. Plus It would be a waste of time because they are all so big and do not enforce the ban.  I know that if I was not banned from my local casnino I would have had several more screw ups than I had over the past several months. 

Vera, I remember a few times, years ago making the 2 hour round trip (4 hours). to chase my looses, knowing like you I was going to win my money back. Ugggh the wasted days of driving back and forth never to win anything, only to loose more. Good God the torture we have let ourselves endure. I have often thought about you saying “ placing the first bet, you might as well stand In front of a firing squad” (something like that) I can’t tell you how many times i’ve Heard the words but still…. “off to the races” only to walk out thinking “why did I not listen to those words.. oh well all we can do is dust off and keep on trying right?? It really is as easy as surrending to God but that Damm devil has such a foot hold. The good news we can still break free and not give him another foot hold.

Day 18. I know, no big deal but I am posting it because I am trying to keep active here. Trying to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason and not let my mind take me to “I do not need this, it’s a waste of time, I can stay away from gambling without help” Most of all trying to stay away from “I am better, I can gamble, it will be fun, I will be careful, I can use the extra money, (extra money hahahaha.)

A little bummed out today because not going to NO on Thursday with my girlfriends But relived it all worked out from them and I will not have to come back adding and subtracting numbers trying to figure out my losses. Even if we did not gamble I would be doing a lot of eating and drinking and just come home heavier. One less thing to worry about. ??

You are right Vera. I waste a lot of time on the future when all we really have is today. I hope you are doing well??

Day 20… urges and thoughts on and off. Trying to keep it simple and just think “gambling is not an option for me” As most of us know that is not as easy as it sounds. In any case I will make it through the day. I have my second appointment with a therapist this morning. I like her but it’s too early to know wether or not I will stick it out or keep searching for the right fit for me. Afterwards I have a few errands, than working from home.

Day 21. Been a stressful week so far. Everything and anything is going wrong. Makes me want to throw my hands up say screw it and go gamble. Yeah that will help it will Help make things worse. Today is a new day. I am going to think positive and try not sweat the small stuff.

Very true! Nothing more stressful than gambling. It’s crazy how we convince ourselves it will make us feel better at times when in reality it always makes EVERYTHING worse.

It’s only 3:00 in the morning on Friday here. I just woke up. Can’t seem to fall back asleep. A little irritated because my girlfriends in NO sent me some pics on Facebook. I know (i hope) they do not mean anything bad by it BUT come on I am sad enough that I can not be there so why rub it in. At the same time I am glad I am not ther because I know in the end I would of lost a fortune. I will go back someday but with my other 1/2 who does not gamble and would keep me away from casino. Day 22. I will not gamble today. I am glad I am banned from the local casino or I most likely would have caved by now. I want to gamble but I do not want to experience the fall out. I am really starting to fear the end result and that’s a good thing. Today I will surrender my will to God,

I get it Liz! Our addiction is so hideous. Every time I relapse, I feel aweful and swear off gambling for good. If only it were that easy. I am the queen of relapse. It’s only been 3 weeks g free and at times the thoughts can be overwhelming. I hate it. We are worth a gamble free life! Eventually we will get it. You have a Great day too!

Thanks! I-did-it. One minute I am relieved one minute I am mad and or sad. I love the city, love the drinks, the food, the people watching But unfortunately I am a compulsive gambler and would most likely miss out on all those things sitting in a casino. Even if I managed to do both I know in my gut the trip would of cost me a fortune and I would be coming back miserable on Monday night (Two weeks before Christmas) We just have to keep making the right choices and seeing the good in it.

Not feeling too good today. Self induced. Had a little too much fun yesterday and paying for it dearly. The good news though…. no thoughts of gambling at least for today.

Day 25. Not much to say, just just happy that I have no plans to gamble at least for this week. I am sure the thoughts will come and go but the last few days have been good because I have had no thoughts at all.

Thanks IDI. I feel better. But was just wishing I could do things in moderation. I was just sitting here thinking “many years ago I gambled maybe 4 or 5 times a week. I have not gambled that often for several years but when I do it’s a binge, same thing when I drink. I fdi not do it often but again it’s binge, than I eat like crap the next day, same thing…. I binge eat. Oh well I rather binge drink and eat than binge gamble any day mainly because it’s easy to bounce back from those binges.

Thanks IDI. I finally figured it out (with your help) and planned on jumping on and darn it. I starting monkey around and by the time I looked at the clock I just missed it. Is it everyday?? Or just certain days?

Day 28.. not too many urges. For now I understand “gambling is just not an option for me” the thought actually makes me sick. Cause instead of thinking what I could pay or have if I won, I turn my thoughts into what I don’t have because of the of gambling. It’s not just about the money and material things, it’s about the lost time, the missing out of being present in special moments, missed opportunities a long the way etc. I went to my sons Orchestra concert last night. I got a little tearey eyed thinking about how fast time goes. I am blessed to have him as a son. He really is a good kid all the way around. I could dwell on what I do not have but today I feel overwhelming greatful even for the little things in life.

Tomorrow will be 30 days. Maybe my 50th 30 day mark but at least i never give up on giving up. Got paid today. Went and paid some extra money towards my car loan. I think I will have it paid off in 2 more years which is a few years early as long as I keep giving them the money vs the casino. A few bills paid and a little extra to my other 1/2 to hold on to. I still have some money but not enough to send me running to a casino. I believe I am safe from gambling at least for awhile. :). Although it’s not funny I still have to laugh. I was in the grocery store today and I put something back on the shelf because I knew I could get it a 1.00 cheaper somewhere else. The sh…t I will do to save a 1.00 yet I would throw hundred dollar bills around at a casino like they were from a Monopoly game. Uggggh what a nut!

Great talking to you too IDI!

Hating this day!!!

Thanks Liz and IDI!! Things are better. I was in one of my “f it!” moods. I started to write about why and I stoped after writing “I am hating this day”. I forgot to come back and finish and now I can not even remember why. Lol I had lots of thoughts of gambling the past few days but I just do not want to wreck yet another Christmas/New Year. I am not worried about ruining the holidays financially because everything is bought and paid for but I want to be fully present and not just going through the motions…..

Thanks Vera!! Not sure what is going on with me. I want to “rip heads off” the last few days. When ever I would have a gambling episode…. the days to follow would be first numb, than the tears, than determination to quit, than anger, than the fight not to gamble….. I have not gambled for over ~34 days and the last few days all the anxiety, stress and anger are overwhelming. Maybe my body is used to the cycle?? Maybe it’s the Holidays… I have no clue.. nothing stressful is going on yet I have all the symptoms, if that makes any sense at all.

Sorry we missed each other IDI.. what you said about the with draw makes sense. Otherwise I have no reason to experience the crazy feelings , mood swings, anxiety etc.,, strange cause I have no urges (lately). Before my last relapse 35 days ago I had almost 90 (I think, I forget) and do not remember experiencing this. Oh well hopefully the craziness turns around in a day or two.

Day 41. Made it through Christmas. I wish I did not let little things bug me so much… some people just annoy the heck out of me. Not that I say anything to them but … reall???….Who am I to be so criticle??? I have not talked to my mom in almost a month. I doubt we will ever talk again and I am ok with that because she is toxic. I say that and I mean it yet I still feel sorry for her and continue to pray for her. The holidays come and go so fast. I hope you all survived. Bring on the New Year! Let’s make it a good one!

Nice to meet you Faye! I hope you find the help you need. I will pray for you. To the rest of you I totally screwed up!!!! Here we go again tomorrow being day one…. I am so flipping stupid.. seriously it’s so easy choose to be missrable or choose to be happy. Why do I let this flipping addiction control me. Why do I let Satan win over and over and over again. Here goes……. I said scratch offs were not my trouble. I can buy a few. What harm can that do??? I bought some won, lost, won, lost more. I was out about 70.00 (which is nothing to a nut case like me) . So than o thought i will stop this crap. The odds are horrible”. I decide to go to the bar and win it back and than quit.. went to bar….. won 275.00 on a machine, managed to get off. Put 2.00 in a pull tab machine won 500.00. Done, done, done ….. so I thought. All I did is feed the monster… it will never die until I stop feeding it (even crumbs keep it alive) Stoped at another bar won a few more hundred than being the compulsive idiot I am I lost 400 back. I managed to go home while still ahead But of course woke up the next day only to go try and win half of my 400.00 back…. you know once we win we think it’s our money now. Well I did but than I proceeded to loose that and than more. I went back today to collect my money and swore I would only play 100.00 and take my losses… long story short I lost again. I managed to leave with money but still that damm 70.00 cost me 1300.00 when all was said and done. Instead of having my money and 800-900 hundred extra, I some how lost 1300.00. Imagine that. Uggggh! I have no idea what to do anymore…. I know all the guidelines…. I should have no access to money but I have no idea how not too. Ugggggh! Ugggh! Ugggh!! I am ok financially but 1300.00 on top of 4800.00 (last relapse) on top of the time before and the time before and the time before. When will it click???? I does right after the relapse but as soon as the adding and subtracting and the what if’s and the what nots pass I am right back into the same hell hole!!! Help!!!! I can not take this anymore!! One last thing…. not only did I lose money…I lost time and a little more time a little more sanity and I by the way I look like hell. Urgggh! Why why why??? How come some can manage to stay g free and others like myself are chronic relapserss???? I hate this part of my life. I just hate it!! I know I am not alone BUT i just want to be like the ones who manage to live gamble free!

Happy New Year Monica!! Today is officially another day 1. I feel ok. Things could be much worse…. I do feel a little stupid for falling into the same cycle, “sticking my toe in the water” buying scratch offs, loosing than telling myself “as soon as I get my money back I will quit” than wasting time chasing my money only to win that and than some just to end up worse off. I tell myself “no more” than I tell myself “just go play cards and get your money back (of course I want 1800.00 not my original 1200- 1300 that I lost. (Not sure of the exact amount) Than I think to myself “oh please you dumb a..s. you will never get it back and if you do than what??” I would tell any other compulsive gambler “just stop!” I have to somehow just let it go and pick up where I left off before the relapse and carry on. I know I have to do something different so this does not keep happening. I just do not know what…. I need my brain re-wired. I have to learn to hate gambling. It’s obviously my poison so why can’t I avoid it at all costs. Why can’t I put the energy into my recovery. Even as I write this post I think “ who am I kidding I will never be able to live a gf life” my head…get your money back, let it go, get your money back, let it go, get your money back let it go” When in reality I should think “suffer more, don’t suffer anymore, suffer more, don’t suffer anymore”. One last thing…. I am totally embarrassed that I dumped so much in one dumb ass bar machine. I have not played those stupid things in years. I had to look like a complete idiot feeding one all day and night. (That was Friday , yesterday I went to collect some of my money and only played a little back and finally got the sense to give up) Of course I think I should of went to a casino and played cards better odds…. it does not matter what the odds are they are ALWAYS stacked against a compulsive gambler….. so dang tired. I just want to be normal.

I thought I hit my bottom countless times and always managed to get back up. Maybe that’s my problem. This relapse was not a messy as the others. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that weather it’s my “game of choice” or another path ( playing things I normally do not) the results will be the same. I have to figure out a way to have no access to money and I doubt that will happen.. I have been giving my other half quite a bit over the last several months and he is not to give it back under no circumstances. Even with that in place I still control my money and it’s too difficult to let him control all of it… long story. Again this time was not as messy all my bills are paid and I still have money however if I think about the last several relapses they would not have happened or at least not as much money would of been lost if I did not have money…. I will figure something out.

IDI —I will try and be in group. It will get better. It always does. Let’s try our best not make it worse… the hard part will be, once it is better keeping it that way.

I do not go to GA. I did years ago but it was not for me everyone is different. I did go to Celebrate Recovery which is like GA but it’s a Christ centered recovery program for all hurts, habits and hang ups. I stoped going but I am going back tomorrow. There is also smart recovery also again for all different addictions. (My cunslor rcomended said her patients love it but I never tried) I am going to that tomorrow but also have a site online. Similar to this one. I just registered. You should check it out. When I think back Thursday was when I normally see my Counslor and she was gone for the week. Just so happens I gambled that day. Ugggh. Not her fault but it proves I can not do this on my own and have to be active in my recovery. This site alone is not enough that’s for sure. I liked it better when they had open chat.. (not just for an hour here and there). I want to gamble so bad today. I am not going to because what good will come of it??? If I win and walk away it will just encourage me to do it again. If I loose,,,, same thing and I will just beat myself up tomorrow. I have to go pick up some money from the bar but I am grabbing it walking out the door and going straight to the bank my car loan is through and giving it to them. There is nothing owed but at least it’s the money will go towards something and I can not get it back. I really wish I lost it somewhere else besides a stupid bar that happens to be near my house and the bartenders are assholes anyways…. would I felt better if I lost it somewhere where I like the bartenders…. None of this matters and I have to figure out away to just let it go and pick up and carry on. I am scared to death cause like you said each time gets worse. Not nessacarly the amount of money but the psychological damage. Ugggh this sucks!!! Remember IDI. Our God is way bigger than all of this we just have to figure out a way to let go and let God.

I went to pick up my money. On the way there I thought” just play a little of it maybe you can win what you lost back” Than I thought “f that just get your money walk out and screw that place” than my thoughts went to “get your money an go somewhere else”. Ugggh! I justified my thoughts with “it’s the last day of the year”. I hate that I would even consider wrecking yet another day… I made it in and out and of the bar and than thought “I will just take a hundred and buy 5 20.00 scratch offs.” Screw that too. I am done. Went and paid money on my car came home and gave the rest (not much) to the other 1/2… I still have some money in my account but not enough to send me running. I have one easy place to get money. It’s an open line of credit. I make a request and the money is instantly put in my bank. I owe nothing to them nor do I want to owe anything cause it’s a ridiculous interest rate…. even if I close it, it’s easy to re-open. I know my thoughts will be all over the place for some time. I have to figure out a way to block myself from being able to get money for the next time I decide to give in to my selfish desire.

I can but it’s so easy to re establish. I canceled it once and told them if they ever give me credit again I am not paying it back. You would think they would put me on a “do not approve list”

I am the same Faye. I will go to 3 diffrent grocery stores to save a few bucks…. I was just sitting here thinking between this relapse and the around 45 days ago I blew 6000.00. It makes me want to throw up when I think about the relapse before these two. I can’t even remember the amount but it was prior to Labor Day and I know it was over 5000.00. Holly crap! I am surprised I am not in a nut house.. headed that way if I do not figure out what works for me and stick to it. 2 years ago I had zero debt and excellent credit. I fixed and trashed my credit at least 3-4 times in one lifetime. As they say “if nothing changes.. nothing changes. Vera you are correct. Places like that rely on crazies like me. I sent them an email anyways requesting they close it. I know it’s not hard to re open but it would take some effort on my part so could be somewhat of a road block.

IDI. My credit is crap now but time and paying everything on time has helped in the past. (Meaning I pay electric bill, phone, car and store cards on time). I have no credit cards. I can’t tell you how many times I have got them, built them up, paid them off, than repeat…. I never used them for anything other than cash advances so why the heck did I keep them so long. The reason my credit is crap again is I have one card that is closed that I purposely did not pay so I could negotiate the balance. Same dumb cycle of mine for 20 plus years. I want off this dang ride and I do not want to get back on.

I wanted to start a new thread but not sure how…. Here it is 2019 and it’s yet another day 3. The financial damage was not that bad “this time” but the psychological well that’s another story that only a chronic relapser will understand. I am bound and determined to stop starting over with my recovery. At the same time I am so scared because of my track record. I am scared because I have failed more times than I can *****. I am sick because I feel so alone. I have this site, a Counslor, recovery groups (that I drifted away from, going back to today) and several friends yet I feel alone because I want the people closest to me to somehow understand… I know things will get better with time. They always do. After things get better is what scares me. If I do not find away to remain abstinent from gambling eventually there will be no coming back. I am so sick of “being diffrent” I am sick of wanting what everyone around me seems to have “peace” “normal life” My God, I am 47 years old and have wasted so much of my life in the same cycle. Fall down, get up, clean up, fall down, get up, clean up. It’s getting old!! What is going to help me stay up this time??? I am more than willing to give up acess to money BUT it’s way too complicated. I have been giving my other 1/2 extra money here and there and he has almost 5000.00 of mine BUT in reality he should have more and or I should have less debt. I have a bigger check coming on the 15th and it will be safe , everything will be paid and I will give him more money but what about the check after and the check after. Ugggh I do not know what to do…. I sound like a broken record!! Please God give me strength, help me make start living the life you created me to live, let this be my last day 3.

Day 4. Why do I feel so lost afraid and alone??? Maybe because it should be day 4040 , more like day 8040. The chaos of the psychological damage this addiction has caused is unbearable. At times I want to go to sleep and never wake up, other times I want to live to see what life will be like with no gambling…, what does God have in store for me in 2019? I am so inpatient. I just want this year to b over and to be able to say “I did it and life is Great!” I am taking off the gloves and letting my savior get in the ring… No more chasing money. If it’s money I need than it will chase me. The worry comes from saying and meaning all of this so many times before. What can I do diffrent to keep the desire not to gamble 30,60, 90 days from now. God…..I am begging you to show me.

Thank you for your support Liz. It means a lot. I think my last relapse happened (no major financial damage BUT tons of psychological) because i normally see a therapist once a week and she was off due to holidays. It was also pretty quite here.(this site) I guess that only goes to show I need to stay active in my recovery or it’s “off to the races” I should have filled in the gap with some kind of meeting but I didn’t. I am trying to be positive and look at it as a slip and lesson learned. I guess it’s just that I have been here sooooo many times. Maybe this is the last??? One can only hope. I am going back to meetings and I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Yeah me! I get to walk in with tail between legs and explain my new start date. There is one more barrier I need to figure out and that’s the “no acess to extra money”… that’s a tough one. I am willing but it’s with who and how. (Hard to explain)

Thank you Vera! I needed that. I just got home from walking the dog. That is usually one of my times with God throughout the day. Except when gambling than my only time is “please give me my money back, I will never do this again.” Lies lies lies. Anyways I was yelling at God. Saying “I don’t want to live this way anymore” you won’t help me” just take me” I even said I hated him for creating me. I told him he treats me like a red headed step child and will not take this addiction from me. The devil was most likely grinning ear to ear while doing a happy dance. Fker!! Anyways came home read your post and down on my knees I went. Apologizing, asking for forgiveness and his help to get me back to me…. I am definitely not down playing the relapse because of the financial damage not being as much as usual. It hurts even when I win because you said it “ another nail in the coffin”. Anyways I am going to look at this as a lesson.. I did a form of gambling that is out of the ordinary with the same results… just goes to show …never bet on anything… I refuse to give up, giving up. I still have hope. Thank you!

Feeling better today. Today starts my 30 day fast from, Facebook,cigs, alcohol & sugar. Alcohol and sugar will be easy because I only eat crap food on occasion. Alcohol will not be too hard since I am a social binge drinker and don’t go out too much this time of year. Facebook, well it will be a nice break. Cigs… will be the tough one eventhough I am not a heavy smoker( unless gambling than I would chain smoke. ). But I made up my mind to do it so I am going to do it. Same applies for no gambling! I had enough. I made up my mind to do it. Not taking the bait anymore!!

IDI!! I have to laugh.. I have a few friends that posted pics of thier new cars and I remeber thinking what you said “who gives a s.t! “ I have a fairly new car and would never even think to take a pic… I also have a handful of “friends” who always take pictures and post their wins from slot machines, pull tabs etc. Seriously, if you are going to post your wins, you might as well post your losses.. I could of filled up the news feeds with mine Lol Anyways I am just doing a 30 day fast from some mindless things to make room for others. I will re-evaluate in a month and see what positives come from it. I went back to a CR meeting last night.. I left feeling so glad that I did. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, why I keep repeating the same cycle… I left feeling as if all my questions were answered…. it’s simple I never follow through with what God wants me to do. He wants me to keep seeking him and a gf life. Normally I feel better and than find excuses not to continue in recovery. When I look back I was most likely making an excuse to relapse. Not this time. I am going back every Tuesday and Thursday night that I can. I am also going to check out a SMART Recovery meeting. Who knows wether that will be for me but can’t hurt to see…. All I know is I am going to commit to my recovery… IDi—- you should Google Celebrate Recovery and see if there is one near you. From our conversations I really think you would like it. Just a suggestion.. we all have to do what works best for us….

Today wraps up a gamble free week.. Last week at this time I was suffering the good ole gambling hang over.. the racing thoughts are what I like best. NOT!! Things do tend to get better quickly. With that said, I never want to go back to that dark place. If I do… one of these times things will not get better. Gambling took enough from me… no more. I will stay committed to the plan I have in place. It works. It’s when I get complacent that I return to the same old s..t. Still very impatient and can’t wait to see what 2019 brings.. I look forward to our vacation at the end of March.. Already paid for. We booked over a month ago. I have to laugh I spendt hours and hours searching on line to save 400.00 yet I lost over 15 times with my last two relapses combined. Crap we could of went around the world several times over with the money I have blew over the years. Oh well. I am still grateful that we are able to go on our yearly trip. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car in the driveway, a good job, a great guy , an Awsome son, recovery support, freinships, friendships from a far, (I have grown to genuily care about so many of you on this site who are on the same journey) the determaination to try to remain gamble free. Most of all I am greatful to God for everything, he continues to show up in my life even when I do not deserve it. 

The start of day one, week two. What a roller coaster. I am determined to do whatever it takes to keep myself from gambling yet it’s so hard to imagine a life without it. My brain references the few good things yet deep down inside I know thier are no good things when it comes to gambling, at least not for someone who has no control over it. Those days ended many years ago. I have to slow down take it a day at a time and not get so ahead of myself. I hate that this addiction has consumed so much of my life. I just hate it.

I am pretty sure there is one at 6:00 pm central time. I always get confused. (You might be an hour ahead ofr behind central time depending where you live.) it is 2:00 here now. So if I have it straight than it’s 4 hours from whatever time it is by you now.

Everything does go to hell When we gamble. That’s why it’s not an option for us.  We will figure something else out.  It will work out one way or the other.  I am going to walk my psychotic dog (he is worse than me only he does not gamble ?? )  Hopefully we catch up later. 

I woke up this morning looked in the mirror and thought about how much better I look since last week.. the last time I gambled I stayed up for hours gambling, drinking and chain smoking. When I came out of the fog, I looked and felt like I was dragged across the cement face down. The puffy eyelids were an added bonus. Yuk! I never want to look or feel that way again. After walking away from my gambling binge I remember spending the day with my son. He had a good time but once again I was not fully present. Today I flashed back to several times of both winning and loosing.. Either ways none of the memories were good. It was all a waste a time. I have had that “one last win” too many times. It never ends there. All the “so called winning “ does is prolong the inevitable. I will not elaborate as we all know what that inevitable is. We all deserve the best life possible. The only way we will experience that “best life” is by stoping the insanity. I am determined to do whatever it takes to be the best version of me. The gambling me, is the ugly me. I can not and will not gamble today! Yeah me!! Do what it takes to be the best version of you, today and always! I believe this is when good things happen!

Yes we can! Yesterday I felt kind of depressed. Today is a new day. I am learning that all I have to do , not only with gambling , but everything in life is just get through today. Let’s be the best version of ourselves today. We can do anything for one day.

Day 10. Yesterday was a good day. I suppose any day with out gambling is a good day. Day 10 is nothing for me because I am more of a binge gambler. Years ago it was 4-5 times a week. How I ever managed to hold a job and other responsibilities is beyond me. I suppose I thrive on stress. Now when I gamble it’s after a month or two of not (Except when on a chase than it’s 3-4 days in a row) Either way, the results and damage is still the same. My head was all over the place yesterday. I had many thoughts of gambling. I still do. However I do understand that if those thoughts turn into action, the action will only turn into misery. I can’t help but wonder if they will ever go away. It’s such a crazy cycle. Gamble, cause chaos, wonder how and why the heck i I did it, wish I would of done it different, hate gambling and the thought of it, bound and determined not to, storm passes and than start the cycle over. Seems to be the pattern of many of us here. I have to break this cycle. It’s funny how I have so much advice to offer yet it’s so hard to take my own.. No plans to gamble today. I just want God to take any and all desire away.

Just got off chat. A good group of people. I am still laughing. I have faith that 2019 is going to be the beginning of a great milestone for us…. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.

Day 11. Had a thought of blowing the day off and gambling…. Not today, not going to happen because I do not want to wreck the weekend coming up spendt chassing losses. (Chain smoking, shuffling money around, adding and subtracting, blah, blah, blah ). Heck even if I were to win it would just set me up for future loss. Besides it’s not even about winning or losing anymore, maybe it never was. It’s just a bad habit that offers nothing but chaos. It makes me angry that It would even cross my mind. I suppose I will always have to deal with those thoughts. Praying they lesson with time. Going to try and be the best version of me today. The gambling me is the worst version. Turns me into a rabid pitbull. Ugly!

Thanks Sherrie! I have to start taking my own adicice. ??

I was relieved last night that I did not blow off the day to gamble. Even though I did not work very hard, things were accomplished. Had I gambled I suppose last night would have been a restless night or I would still be up chassing.. Funny thing is eventhough I was relieved I woke up today feeling the same , wanting to blow off the day. I won’t because I have things to do and plans with my son this weekend and I do not want to mess them up. I still wonder will these darn desires to gamble ever go away??? In my thoughts I think “oh it will be fun or relaxing”. Why don’t I think “it will be nothing but??”

Day 1 of week 3. Thursday and Friday were tough, as they were filled with thoughts of gambling. Yesterday was a good day, spending quality time with my son. Today,,, I am relieved I did not give into temptation and I have no urges . I have a terrible headache and I am full of rage, snapping at everyone and everything. Wonder if it’s withdral or just me??? Either way I would rather feel this way without gambling than the way I feel after..

You said it Vera! That is exactly how I felt a few times last week. “ a lot on the mind, I will just go block it out”. I was able to think it through all the way to the hangover. I never want to experience one again. I worry about next weekend as I do not have my son and will have time on my hands. I will just have to come up with something better to do with my time. There are a ton of other things I could do but seems I have no energy or interest. I will force myself to try something new. If nothing changes than nothing changes.

Day 17. I was paid today. My check was 360.00 more than I thought it would be. I am going straight to the bank and getting cashiers checks to pay bills. They will be paid early and the extra will go towards my car. The devil on one shoulder tells me “use some of the money to gamble maybe you can make more” than the logical one on my other shoulder says “do not do it, let’s make 2019 the best in years” look around you, gambling offers nothing but misery. I imagine we will always be tempted but I also long for the day the temptation lessons. Not going backwards. I refuse to go backwards!

Years ago I had the thoughts of winning big.. Now it’s just wanting to gamble to escape. It makes me sick to pay debt everytime I get paid, beside my living expense I could be saving so much money. I just have to keep looking ahead and thinking of how it will feel to be debt free. Lord knows I have dug in and dug out enough times to make ones head spin. .. I have to keep my eye on the prize…. not sure what that is but there is only one way to find out and that is to do whatever it takes to remain gamble free…. In the end gambling makes everything just suck!!

Thanks Liz! I am not going to. Mostley because I feel too run down to do much of anything.

Hi Sherrie! Thanks for checking on me. I have been following your thread but too sick to post. I have not been sick in many years unless it’s self induced. (Too much to drink) Not sure what’s going on. I went out Friday and came home sick as a dog. Throwing up etc. Felt better Sunday only to feel like crap again yesterday and today. Who knows maybe it’s Gods way of helping me not want to go on a mini vacation with my girlfriend. We were supposed to leave Thur and come home Mon. I just know the drinking will turn into gambling and the gambling will turn into a miserable trip. I guess I just get mad that I can not do things like a “normal” person. It’s strange because deep down I really do not want to go BUT I keep telling myself I want to go if that makes any sense. I just want ojump in a time machine and go back 20-25 years. Than again, would I do anything diffrent??

I do know there are no time machines and as I said even if there were I doub’t I would of done anything different. Of course I have a lot of regrets but who doesn’t?? I think we are all on a journey and we are right where we are supposed to be. I also believe that God does not care so much about how “we ran the race” but more about how we finish. We can’t go back but we can use our past mistakes to keep us from making them again. None of us want to live through another gambling hangover. Temporary pleasures bring long term consequences. I understand that being ill is not Gods plan for us, however I asked him to intervene and I truly believe that he did by letting me get sick and I am greatful. To each it’s own. 

Sounds like me Vera! I would beg to win my money back and swear I would never gamble again. I was such liar! When I did win or win back I used to think it was God answering my prayer. Now I know any wins from gambling did not come from him. They came from the Devil himself, just to keep me sucked in. I took the bait each time as he laughed and laughed. I do feel better, a little sluggish but nothing I can not handle. I did tell my friend I can’t go so no worries there. Today I was going to play catch up with work but thier is a Snow storm here.. schools are closed etc. I will work from home. I can always catch up tomorrow and Friday since I am supposed to be off anyways.

Not much to say… no urges .. no thoughts for awhile now. Maybe it finally sunk in that gambling is just not an option for me. Maybe it’s because I got out of the ring and asked God to take over.

Thanks Vera! I am back to normal. (Well you know what I mean ?? ) The weather has been so crazy here. We started out with such a mild winter, warmer than usual and no snow in Dec and most of Jan. Well Mother Nature has went bonkers. We had a snow storm last week and than again on Monday. Today 1/2 the city is shut down because of the frigid cold… -21 with windchills of -50. Has not been this cold in over 30 years. It might be warmer in Antiartica. I suppose in years past I would be sitting in a casino during the down time. Not today! Hopefully not ever!

You brought a huge smile to my face. The pressure is on :). I hope You like it and I certainly hope that it helps with your recovery. You are doing Great Sherrie. 

Today is the first day in several weeks that gambling crossed my mind.. it was just a thought but also a reminder of how in the past a thought would turn into action and the action into a nightmare. I guess I do not even want to entertain thoughts of gambling so giving it to God and going on with my day. 55 degree temp change. We went from -21 to mid 30s. Tomorrow and Monday upper 40s. I suppose some will be running around in shorts. Lol.

Hi Liz! Thanks for your post.  I am just catching up here. Been busy the last few days.  No more cold fronts. In the twenty’s today but looks like a little snow every day this week comming up. This has been the craziest winter I can remember. I can not wait till spring.  I hope you are doing good. I am making my way to your thread.  

Thank you for sharing Kin! 

It sure has Vera! I still cringe when I think about all the lost money. But whats done is done. Just have to keep moving forward. Trying not to look back. I only look back when I am tempted. For example, one Day last week I went to meet with a client at his bar. I was early and saw some machines. I thought “those look fun”. Yeah I suppose they might be for some but not for me. I know I can not play unless I want to torcher myself. A little fun would turn into a lot of pain. It always has and always will. 

Hi Kin! I have been doing ok. No gambling and not really struggling with any urges either. I thank God for that. Been dealing with some health issues. Long story. I wonder if it’s aftermath or years of stress that comes with gambling. (Road that roller coaster way too long) It’s strange because I do not feel stressed.. I should but I don’t. I guess I just know I can not change the past, I can just do my best to avoid relieving it and I trust Gods plan for me. I hope you are doing well. You and many others are always in my prayers!!

I was having episodes of horrible chest pain. Mostly after physical excretion. Doc suggested a stress test and echocardiogram. I went in on Wednesday to have that done. Results were good. However, I still have the chest pain. It’s dull pain at all times and gets worse during and after exercise. I can not wait to see the financial damage from these tests. I wish I would not have had them but at least I have peace of mine that there is no issues with the “ticker” We will be in Mexico late March and the last thing I would want to happen is to drop over in foreign country. I have to laugh because I although I have not seen the bill yet I keep thinking“I did all that for nothing, what a waste of money”. How many times have I stayed up all night blowing hundred after hundred after hundred till I was in the thousands and broke for nothing??? At least this time I blew money on something sensible,,,, ruling out a heart condition. I guess it was the place to start since my dad has a history of heart trouble. If I had to diagnos myself now I would say chostochondritis or fibermyalgia… OR maybe its anxiety or withdrawal symptoms?? Which would be strange because I do not feel stressed and I do not really miss gambling.

Thanks Vera, they did do an angiogram before and after the stress test. I am no good with medical terms. I just assumed it was part of the stress test. Like you, I usually self diagnose and avoid doctors and hospitals but never felt anything like this… but whatever it is, at least it’s not my heart.

Thanks Liz!  That’s what is so strange… I eat pretty clean, no sugars, no starches (with the exception of natural) However I did smoke for many years. I was never a heavy smoker BUT when I was gambling I would chain smoke. YUCK!  My dad has an irregular heattbeat too. In anycase I am glad they ruled out heart issues. I am gonna go with the flow for now and if things do not improve or get worse I will look have other things looked at. 

I told “my other half” that I guess I do not have heart issues but I propbably will when I see the bill. :). I do have insurance but it’s so confusing who knows what’s paid and what’s not. As far as the cost, It is what it is, so not going to worry about it.

Just checking in. No gambling which is always a good thing. Debt dwindling and peace of mind increasing day by day. I really do not have much debt BUT I should not have any. I have been quite on this site but I have been keeping many of your threads and praying for us all on a daily basis. Made it through Jan and Feb with no gambling, just fine. Here is to no March Madness .

Update… No gambling so far this year. Life is a lot less stressful without it. No “I wish I would have, I wish I could have, I wish I didn’t , I will get my money back than I quit, blah blah blah” No sleepless nights, no shuffling money around, no adding and subtracting money over and over. Today is my sons 13th B-Day. Wow! 13 years goes by in the blink of an eye. We leave for Mexico in 15 days. We go somewhere warm every year around this time. I know I will not gamble prior because I want to be fully present when we go. When I get back I will be ready to conquer April. Hope everyone is well. Keep fighting the good fight.

Thanks Liz! Vacation was Great. Back to reality. ;(. I have been reading your thread. You are doing Great! I know you have your hands full. Always in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Vera! Yup back to the grind. Have not been coming here too much. I guess I have been busy and sometimes think it’s better for me to only check in occasionally. No gambling this year. Only a few thoughts here and there. I guess I just know it’s not an option fo for me. The so called pleasure is just not worth the long time misery. I am happy to read you are staying away from the misery as well. I think about you often. Keep fighting the good fight!

Back to the drawing board… Relapsing is getting so old! I do not even know what to do different anymore.