thanks for the encouragement Vera! Playing with fire, tempting fate by pulling the tail of the devil! I had to look that one up although I think I got the idea of it. It’s a Dublin expression according to the net! Tired of playing games. Have a great day Vera.

So true Charles. I had stopped maintaining my recovery. Whether it’s because I thought I didn’t need it any more or just “got away” from the things that helped me remember that I have a gambling PROBLEM that will never be solved. That it must always be managed using the tools that helped me stop in the first place. Thanks for you post.

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement Geordie! As far as the why, who know this time round. I think it’s because deep down I still like it. But like all addicts I can’t have what I like because I can’t take it or leave it, do it in small amounts, use reason, or be financially responsible to myself and my family. Because I basically self destruct! Glad to see you still here, working your recovery. Thanks again, Laura

thanks for the note Liz. Recovery works if you work it! Have a good day!

That’s the thing about making it to group meetings that are moderated here. They voice the questions you do not want to ask your self. Because you already know the answers. And you don’t want to hear them. And if your lucky they’ll ask you something you never thought to ask, they’ll give you advice that is spot on, because quite often they’ve been there before. So what does the person who fell off the wagon have to do? Give over control of finances again in my case. Which no matter what will raise all sorts of questions. Ones I never thought I’d have to face again. I somehow got careless about my recovery, my abstinence and my own mental health. And what are the consequences of this relapse? I am once again a liar and a the very least a deceitful person who has risked financial harm for my family. And it took me to the brink before. How can i fool myself like this? That somehow it is going to end up different than every other time? I just keep thinking omg I suck. Weekends are safe for me, no opportunity. Doing some touch up painting this weekend and having nephew for a sleepover. Cooking a roast pork dinner tonight. No time for trouble! Avoiding doing what I should. Wondering if there is someone else to monitor me. I never wanted to be in this place again. My addiction will never end. Laura

Thanks Dan. When i spent hours reading articles on gambling addiction in the beginning of my recovery,it amazed me how much it affects our brain , changes them. How come people don’t understand it is a real addiction when it is purposefully designed to be as addictive as possible. Designed to light up our reward centers like holiday fireworks. And when life is treating us sh*tty what other way to try and balance things out? May as well set of the brain chemical fireworks. I’ve always had trouble controlling my gambling, almost from the very first day. I’ve historically dealt with depression. Then add down right selfish insensitivity on the part of my husband and best friend and well, gambling for a few hours every day, and more if i could get away with it, looked pretty dam good. But that is the past, 12 years ago now.

So what is my excuse now? I just like them. Like the kick of adrenaline I get when I win. Enough that I don’t mind losing to get it, I’m never a real winner after all. I’m sneaking around like a thief hiding from my husband and any of his family i may run into. His mom had blabbed to his family that I had blown a lot of money gambling. Some of them like to gamble too. Or, maybe run into a friend of my husbands who’d mention to him that they’d seen me. Risking my marriage as he’d sworn the last time he’d leave me if he caught me gambling again. That was a good part of me being gamble free for 6 years. That was my big barrier. But for some reason that isn’t enough right now.

Work days and appointment days in the city are my bad days. Because I run errands and sometimes they end up taking longer as i go gambling and then rush to get a few things done before getting home. This has limited my damages as i don’t have much time. But, where there is a will there is a way and sooner or later I’ ll cause myself great harm.

I was hoping to catch someone in chat but it’s been a quiet hour. Time to do laundry and get ready for a Monday. I did a little bit of painting this afternoon. Nice coat of white on my trim in my new little office/den. Nearly killed me but I did it. Well, two thirds, the rest is for another day.

I really need to focus on the gambling issue as I have money coming to me in a couple of months! ODAAT, I need to set up some safe guards for that money before it comes!

off to the city today for an appointment. I have no money in the bank, only a credit card that I can’t use for cash so today should be a little safer day. What do they say? We can do anything for just one day. Just today is all I need to focus on. No gambling for today. Have a good day ODAAT

so yeah, no money was actually a little money that was to get us through to payday. I spent half of it gambling. And we scrambled through with me constantly checking credit card balances and having a lie prepared for why I couldn’t pay for my treatment- physio. I just don’t like my current head space. Changing in someways would be so easy. Just open my mouth and tell my husband. It’s hard to admit. Because if you don’t know what that irresistable draw feels feels like how can you undrstand? Weekend safe time. I need to get a grip.

thank you Velvet very much for you post. I have read it a few times but never had the time to really let it sink in, digest a bit. Found a little bit of quiet time to reflect. I know gambling free Laura was a lot happier. I could give you a lot of reasons why i continue to dip my toe in the water of temptation. Money is tight which get’s the CG brain thinking it could maybe just win some money. I’ve been using it as a bit of a pressure release, which never works I know. When you lose, which is guaranteed to happen, it just adds another layer of pressure. And then there is always the “reward”. It’s your birthday, you’ve had a tough few months, you deserve it.
I will not gamble today. And that is the commitment I can make right now.

I am busy doing a little bit of painting in my little home office. I’m going to be spending a little more time working from home. I’ve had a bit of time off of work and am really pacing myself. If I want things done I have to do them myself quite often. Which rather annoys me! I need to turn those feelings around. Make peace with them or express them.
Time to get moving and get a little more done.

Have a gamble free day,
Laura

so i was wondering why i am here now. I was staring at the screen trying to decide if i even wanted to be here making an effort to re integrate GT and the other commitments of trying to recover my gambling sobriety. And am I willing to be honest with myself. To say the things that come to mind. Anonymity has always been a big thing with me. Being found out to be a CG was terrible! And it was shared by my husband with his parents. Who then chose to share it with other family members before. I was so humiliated at what I had done. And he had only said a little of what I had done really. It just wasn’t their place to share. And then I found out his aunt had gone to his parents before about how much she had seen my car outside the local gambling venue. Again, the truth. So turns out it was the truth that I was humiliated by. I didn’t like my reputation tarnished. Another to be pitied. Hooked by the machines. It was so painful having that truth shown into the light. And here I am, had 6 years of sobriety. And have been throwing that away. Because no matter the reason or where i put blame it’s me that makes the choice to gamble. To take hard earned money and waste it when there have been so many places it could have gone over the past two years. I believe I read a few times on Vera’s thread about her plan. I think it is time to make a plan of my own.

Today I did not gamble.

bummer! My post i made yesterday isn’t here. I must not have hit enter or something. So I’ll say some of it again! Thank-you Vera for your post! It was very insightful, made me think more about paying myself back. It may be a little at a time but an incentive for something better. Friends of ours have asked us to go south next winter to a resort. Money put in the slots could be money towards a trip. Just another small reason not to gamble on top of all the big important ones. I need to remember how desperate i once was. So very desperate. Suicidal. Thinking all kinds of crazy things to get money to cover up what I had done. I mean things like thinking about kidnapping, break and enter. I’m a middle aged career woman who has physical disabilities. Not your typical criminal. But at the time, when I was at the bottom of the huge gambling pit of despair I had created, these thoughts seemed almost normal. My thought process is pretty normal these days, but slowly there has been some warping due to the dabbling in gambling I’ve been doing. We desperately needed a new set of tires for the truck. In two months I gambled away enough to buy them. I normalized this, justified it in my mind at the time. Thank god I have been only able to sneak here and there for very minimal amounts of time or I might have put the house at risk AGAIN! I need to become reinvested in my recovery, my sanity. So yesterday i posted that I was going to the city. I had tried to convince hubby to come so i wouldn’t be able to go gambling. He didn’t want to come. So, I made a list that would take me enough time that i wouldn’t be able to squeak in a trip. I had to be home by 3 with the fixings for supper, hubby was cooking. I didn’t gamble. Today will be a safe day, home for the day and I don’t gamble at the local venues, too many people would talk. I am going to try and take some time for myself today. I deserve it. ODAAT
Laura

Thanks Geordie, I definitely had some thoughts, but I just couldn’t fit it in without missing something on my list and then having to justify to hubby. Between that and my thoughts of here and how I have been feeling were enough to get me through safe. I also didn’t have much money to access which helped. I hope I’ve found my mojo too. Because I don’t want to go back to the hell I created before. Yes when I stopped before, my husband and others were a big factor in my decision, but I also didn’t want to be the person I had become. Whether my husband or family supported me or not. It was easier with their help, I gave complete control of my money away, which got me through some tough times. But it was me that ultimately made the choice to stop looking for ways to gamble. Once I got the devil out of my system some anyway. In the beginning I don’t know if I could have controlled myself long or not. I’m rambling now I think! I took time to have a longgg nap after supper. Now I’ll be up til three am Liz! But I know I need to do things for myself. I like to treat myself to fresh flowers now and again. As soon as I have a decent pay I’ll get myself a nice bouquet. Take care everyone, made it through another gamble free day. That is 8 days for me. ODAAT

Laura

So I did it’s post about being grateful for the little things really got me to thinking. I do try and be grateful for the little things in life. Right now I could be bitter and sulk that my lump sums will almost exclusively go to cover debt. But on the other hand it will be great to be almost debt free. I will be at a point where there will be some money for savings. I’m thinking I will open a tax free savings account under my husbands bank account. That way if I want any money out of it for anything I will have to ask him. If I get behind on my regular bills that will cause problems as well. Risking having the electricity shut off is another barrier. There is part of me that just doesn’t have the appetite to do it all over again. They high interest loans, begging to family for financial help, total humiliation. I have to convince myself (remind myself) depending which brain i’m using, that this will be the end result. Gambling = downhill spiral into the gutter for me. PERIOD. I was doing a little more touch up painting. Took a break to have a coffee and see if anyone was around in group this morning. Quiet again. I’m hoping to finish up my painting today. Then get hubby to scrub the floor for me. It’s all coming together finally. Again something I can be grateful for. Most of the time I’m so busy being frustrated that things aren’t getting accomplished fast enough. Sun is shining, spring is coming, and I haven’t touched a slot machine in 9 days. Counting isn’t good for some, for me I think I almost need to. I’m enjoying a long Easter weekend. Hoppy Easter everyone,
Laura

Thanks I Did It, I think it will feel good. But I have to make sure I make it to that point. I’ve been on the site regularly since my last bet. Re imursing myself in recovery is helping to keep away urges so far. Never anyone around in group. I’ m thinking I should take in a GA meeting. 10 days no gambling. Happy Easter everyone

thanks Charles for the advice as always. It has been good to make it to some of the earlier sessions when there are facilitators to talk to. Tonight I had a little company too. It did me good to talk barriers with someone new. I need a little reminding of the tools of recovery. Rusty. Still not gambling. ODAAT

Thank you Vera, for you very thoughtful post. I am reaching out to that support. Had a very good one on one with a very good recovery friend. We were very close with our time in the program. She is still going strong. Heard about another friend who had never admitted to a problem still losing all kinds of money. And here I am, with my big toe dipped back in the pool of recovery. I am ready to jump back. And as I’ve learned the lessons before and have had years of experience it would be much like never forgetting how to swim once you’ve truly learned. I’ve been talking a lot to my husband about where my money is to go once I receive it. So that he knows if it doesn’t go there. Slowly i’m working on my barriers. And using the tools of recovery. – Laura

thanks for coming by Vera and sharing your wisdom. I am here for support, but here too for myself somehow. But it is better with interaction i think. Keep working your recovery and you wont have to have another day 1 again. Mental gymnastics is a good description. I could wear myself out with the mind games. Today is day 18. Money is tight at the moment but I will not be tempted to try and multiply my money. Too often it has left me broke and with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Only itching like a bad case of hives to go back.

I was hoping to be around for group but i may have to go lay down.

stay strong,
Laura

It’s late and i’m tired but I can’t sleep. Money troubles. It’s terrible what this takes from us. Lost money represents lost time and opportunities that should have been spent with family. Or even on ourselves. Not the twisted way we reward ourselves with gambling as addicts. You’ve worked hard this week, you deserve a bit of time to throw away enough money to pay your bills for the next two weeks. Who needs to pay their bills? Stressed. I haven’t gambled. I have not enough money for what I need to pay now. three weeks today. I can do this. One day at a time. Laura

I gambled. I sunk to a new low. I took extra money out of my son’s bank account when he gave me his card to get something done for him. I had to write that. Say it out loud. I was never this kind of person. The gambling is corrupting me and stealing who I am capable of being. I owe him some money and have tacked it on to the amount. I’m really ashamed of it all. I hate who I have become. Desperate. ?? ?? As you say Kathryn, I am a CG, who did I think I was kidding? Stupid stupid stupid. Day 3

My CG brain is coming up with all the required excuses. It wasn’t much i “borrowed without asking” stole. Only $55. But I know that it isn’t the amount that matters it’s what I’ve done. I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well Vera. Thanks for thinking about me, and praying for me I’m sure. I hope your word in with the big fellow helps me, it sure can’t hurt.

Thanks Geordie for your tough love. Wanting to keep others from going down the same road. I know access to cash is an issue. So is lack of cash. I felt pressure to try and win some hahahaha (insert hysterical laughter here).

Today is a new day. Thinking about what i need to do. Tell someone who will monitor my spending. It is 6am, last post was done around 1am. And work today.

I am a little muddled this morning but reflecting,
Laura

so sorry for not posting this past few weeks!! I actually had my back go out a couple weeks ago and haven’t been able to sit at at my computer for longer than a minute or two. I do have the GT ap loaded on my phone, but for some reason the forums are so small I can’t read them. No gambling, I haven’t had a choice. Can’t drive much either! No money also. Pain is a barrier at the moment as well! Take care everyone. Laura

Still keeping out of trouble! Back is still out. Getting very depressed as no one understands what it’s like to have chronic back problems it seems. I look pretty normal so what’s the problem! Can’t even escape into sleep which used to be my place to get away from the pain. Now pain keeps me awake.

Hope you survived the Canteen Kathryn! LOL the picture taking sounds hilariously awful! Hope he doesn’t keep it!
Will pop by your thread! Laughter is the best medicine!

ODAAT

L

So true Vera! Pain, physical and emotional was never far away for me when I first started gambling. It was my big escape. A betraying bestie made friendship the last thing I wanted. And the convenient and accessible gambling gave me distraction that would fit into my schedule! I could go morning gambling when pain levels were lower. And with coffee and cigarette in hand the slot machines became my new best friend. But it is a false friend. One that only takes in the end for me. I am a CG and that is never going to change. Thanks for posting Vera. Take care, Laura

now that is a new one on me! Jack’s crack? lol Back is no better, sciatic nerve is being a total b*tch. I’m off work for a while now trying to get things to settle. Nothing much seems to help. Pain killers take the edge off but life is pretty uncomfortable in just about every position including sitting. Massage, Physio, the whole nine yards. Want to be able to sit long enough to have my coffee. I haven’t been gambling, I can’t drive and i have no money. So it hasn’t even been on my mind funny enough. But I know I should be more wary about when I do leave the house. Unfortunately right now it just feels like I’m surviving minute to minute. Congratulations on your grandson Kathryn! A new chapter in life is beginning. So glad you got your ban in place! You’ll have too many places for your money to go. Keep looking forward, you are doing awesome.
Laura

thanks for your concern! I’m mid testing to see if there are any changes since my surgery almost 10 years ago. Waiting to review with doc. The public medical system grinds along slowly but it will get there. It’s the isolation that can get to you. And of course I’m not always a peach to my family living with me. I just keep praying that something will change. Staying gamble free. No interest in going online. I’ve often said I’m to instant gratification for that. I want to have the money in my grubby hands right away! Not to mention I think it is illegal here so how would I deposit my big win? LOL there goes that crazy gamble brain thinking! What big win? It would be played away long before the the cashout could happen. Take care, Laura

Still gamble free, but if you physically can’t get there that’s a big help.
So happy for you Kathryn. Truly! You deserve great things to look forward to. You have really stuck to your guns in recovery. That grand-baby you can totally focus on instead of how to pay the bills cause last pay went in the pokies! The great relationship you have with your daughter instead of rushing off to gamble. Just imagine how different things would be right now if you had never stopped gambling all those years ago now. Be proud, you have built this new gamble free life one day at a time.

Life is quiet right now for me with lots of waiting for tests and results and specialists. This is causing a bit of an upheaval in my relationship as my partner finds it an inconvenience to deal with an ill person. Who knew! I’m glad he thinks he will always be in perfect health and never have to rely on anyone!

I am having a hard time focusing on anything these days but it would be a good time to work the steps and focus on my addiction. It tends to go to sleep or lay low when I can’t go for long periods of time. And then wham, first opportunity down the road it will sneak up and bite me. And make up for lost time.

Laura

Thanks Vera and P for your posts and suggestions Vera. I can’t believe it’s been a month since I’ve posted but it’s been a rough one I’m afraid. Lots of pain. I’ve been a big stretcher and have been going to physio for almost ten years believe it or not Vera. They help to keep my body moving. My tests are showing a benign mass on my spine which is pressing against my spinal cord. I have an appointment coming up with a surgeon for the initial consult. He did my previous back surgery so he knows my history. I’m glad we have universal health care in Canada. I couldn’t imagine having to try and pay for this if it wasn’t covered by an insurance or I didn’t have any. I hope you are all doing well. I’d like to be here more but it can be difficult. Will do my best though to give you a few words Vera. Take care GT friends. stay strong!

It was so good to see some old and new faces in group chat last night. Gave me a boost to connect. In all honesty I’m in a constant state of distracted pain. I can’t even focus on a book or quite often even a tv program or silly game on my phone. When pain levels are lower I try and take advantage to move and get those things done that seem to be part of never ending housework. Although my housekeeping leaves a lot to be desired as I tend to do the stand up stuff. Everything below my waist tends to get ignored! Floors are atrocious! I have a consult with a surgical specialist tomorrow. I’ll find out more then. So that’s the health front update.

Gambling. I can’t get out to gamble. So there has been an imposed abstinence period of two and a half months. But I haven’t been thinking about my addiction, or how I’m going to deal with it when I’m mobile again. For now I really don’t even think about it day to day. Then a silly thought will pop in about how I’m going to sneak in a session some way some how next time I’m out of the house. But it isn’t possible. If my family ever seen me put one cent in a machine they would be terribly upset and disappointed in me. I don’t want to go back there again. So I guess I’d better start trying to focus and do something about it again. I’ll try to update soon.
take care,
Laura

I made the trip yesterday to see the surgeon. He is recommending a fairly major back surgery. I’ve already had one before and I guess that wasn’t that answer I wanted to hear. Unfortunately where I am there is a waiting list. 1 year. Very depressing to think the improvements won’t even start for that long. Now that thought makes me want to gamble! Escape! Maybe forget my pain for a few minutes. I’m in chat, going to do some reading. Thanks for the support. Laura

When I read Geordie’s last post to me here I immediately was reminded about what I had so quickly forgotten in my health imposed abstinence. That I can always continue to sink to a new low when in action. And that the last time I had a health imposed abstinence I eventually got back my independence. Very shortly after my “recovery” efforts went out the window and I went on a full blown out of control spree. If I do not recognize this and actually use this time to work on myself and my barriers I will be worse than ever! My nearly six years of abstinence were mostly due to barriers and giving it a 110% effort to deal with the underlying issues that I had. But if I am being honest with myself the last few years of my recovery/long abstinence I slid away from all the things I need to continue on the right path. I stopped going to GA, I stopped using GT I thought because of some changes, I allowed everyone to give me back total control of my household finances and I did not use personal counseling. Sounds like a recipe for failure to me. Sounds like a road map of how to do it wrong. So thank you Geordie for taking the time that you did to read my posts and for your pointed comment. It was a gentle reminder to this mixed up CG.
Laura

Thanks so much Geordie. It’s true, the long timers at GA don’t miss going to meetings. And they don’t forget to tell their story. They remind themselves in front of a group of peers exactly what it was like. And the newbies bring fresh pain to remind them if their story has faded in time.
I’ve proven a few times that I can forget the past as the rawness of the feelings fade. I wish I could stick my last post at the top, to remind myself as I sign on. Reminds me of Kin’s parable about walking down the street with the hole in it. Maybe this time I’ll add another line or two and make it further down the street of recovery.
night!

Thank you so much P for your lovely post. Made my heart smile ?? I was so glad to return to the site and see you doing well with your recovery. You and Vera struggled so hard to fight the demon and to come back and see both of you succeeding thrilled me and is inspiring me to get back on track. I don’t think I ever made it a secret that I have some issues with anxiety. You always made me feel at ease and it has been good to “see” you around the site again. Take care and have a good day!

thanks for your kind thoughts Liz! I”m hoping it will too. My last surgery fused sections of my spine and put in rods. Surgery will be to cut out the mass and fuse another level. I’ve had a few better days, the mass which is actually made up of spinal fluid may have shrunk some as the pressure on the nerves has eased. I’m taking what I can get as I don’t know how long this will last. Any improvement is good improvement. I’ve been able to been on my computer a bit more which allows more contact here. Take care Liz!

I’ve had a bit of an improvement on the physical side of things. A bit of a respite from the pain. I’ve been taking advantage of it and doing things with friends. The small things that we take for granted are the important things. A coffee or short sight seeing drive with a friend. Lunch with my sister. When I was in action I didn’t have time or money for those things. They didn’t hold my interest. I wanted to be alone to gamble. I don’t want to fall back into that TRAP! Today I will not gamble.

Thanks everyone for your support. Considering I really was through the ringer 8 years ago as a result of my gambling I cannot understand why I would start again. Other than
I did not stay engaged with my recovery. I ask myself why. It may sound silly, but I hit a point where I didn’t feel like I belonged here. Like I was too recovered. Like my life had gotten too mundane for those struggling in the depths of despair and to whom I probably sounded like a broken record with my tips. Sounds strange to me now. But at the time I felt alone again that was just how i felt. The site had gone through some major changes and I lost access to some long time supportive members, group admins and chat slots that had been part of the routine.

I stopped going to Ga meetings because I was too busy, tired or sore from recurring physical problems while trying to maintain my income.

At home I was back to being caretaker, homemaker, chaffeur, breadwinner, financial planner, and all round last place when it came to having my needs met.

Does it sound like a sad story and a big old bunch of excuses?

Probably, but once again I was trying to fill something that was missing and using gambling as a coping mechanism. Hey I didn’t say it was a good one or a smart one. But I think that is what it was.

Thankfully I haven’t done my family the same financial damage, I have some barriers in place that I didn’t remove. And I have more I need to put in place. I always hesitate to post a statement like that. Because it almost sounds smug, like I came out the winner this time. Which I know isn’t the case. I realize how easy it was to throw away my other hard won gain like integrity and trust.

So I’m taking advice from others that are here, like me, just one bet away , and I’m going to try and journal again for me, without worrying what others might think. I realize I have a lot of growing to do.

Happy Halloween!
Laura

Thanks IDI, Monica And P for posting.

What you say is true. I had a lot of great days racked up until i started gambling again and I have had more since I stopped.

My day one, of my long stretch was horrible. My world was going to come crashing in and there was nothing i could do to stop it. Nothing it seemed anyway. I was in so much pain from the hurt I was going to cause and the mess that I had made that it hurt to b-r-e-a-t-h. I pecked out a sad message into the darkness. I wanted to hide. Waiting for a reply seemed an eternity. I would check and check my thread and read others. I was so scared and sick to my stomach. Time seemed to stand still.

It was a full couple of agonizing weeks later before I told my husband that if we didn’t get financial help we were going to lose our home or have to file for bankruptcy.
I was trolling this site for friendly advice the entire time. Thankfully I found a lot of that at the time and i have received the rewards of that every since.

I had just shy of 6 years of gamble free living. It was not easy to come back from the brink or maybe the bottom of the pit. But I did. I paid my debts. I made amends. I made things better for my kids. There was a lot of progress in that time.

I have not lost the benefit of those years YET. The patterns are still ingrained. I am not missing gambling and other than using this forum I don’t think of it often.

I need to work hard at reinforcing the lessons I’ve already learned and continuing on the path of recovery as I am worth it.

I need my current abstinence due to illness to be recovery.

Laura

So true Vera! Guess we need to pick those thousand flowers to add to our boquet! Nothing says we have to stick to Daisies or Roses ?? ok a litle metaphor crazy maybe but it’s true. We don’t need stay with the pale version of life gambling has left us with. Over time we can become more rounded again. Thanks for the post! Laura

I lost my post! My own fault, so speedy recreation..

My rock bottom was 8 years ago. Ready to lose the house, high interest loans to the hilt, bills all overdue, no heating oil and winter coming! My partner didn’t have a clue! I was financial caretaker. In four years I had taken what should have finally been our time to become more comfortable and instead we were dead broke.
What should have been the beginning of family travel became a time of scrimping and scrounging.
I had to come face to face with what I’d done and fess up to it. No other choice. It took a long time to dig out of the whole and that was only with some pretty drastic changes and intervention.

So IDI, in the beginning it was very slow. I started with what I could. De-cluttering. Cleaning, donating.

The bathroom was an easier room to tackle for me. It was in good shape except the toilet. Small room to paint so that was relatively inexpensive. Sometimes you can buy premixed paint in a pretty colour and it’s cheaper usually. A new shower curtain. New toilet. A few fresh new towels to finish it. For less than $250 I had new bathroom. But I picked at it. $50 for paint and supplies. Then the next month the toilet $120 (cheap but new and didn’t constantly plug)! And that leaves $80 for towels and shower curtain, new soap holder etc. I shop in discount shops and sometimes you can find cheap curtains. I found mine for $7 for the window in the bathroom.

I can’t remember exact time line but it was extremely slow in the beginning. I think the first thing i got rid of was these horrid 80’s coloured blinds that were dirty and dusty and long over due replacing in the kitchen, living room and bathroom. I replaced them with cheap white blinds but they were clean and all the slats were in one piece.

My sons rooms were painted, new curtains and bedding. They asked for their bedding as Christmas gifts I believe. Themed for their change in ages. Camo and Songebob. Long since out grown again.

It’s taken me the past three years to have the living room, kitchen, and hall painted. New curtains as well. Really paint is the best way to freshen a place that is cheap. Then add some new draperies. Panels from the big box stores aren’t expensive. I picked up a second hand table set and recovered the chairs for my kitchen. Bought a cheap couch set just three years ago on payments. $28 a month! Now paid. Was finally able to accessorize with throw pillows and some very reasonably priced art! $40 and family photos.

It wasn’t done in a day but I’m very happy with it.

So today was about enjoying how I’m feeling. Physically I’ve had a bit of a reprieve. Today I cooked a big supper and apple pie. And it all actually turned out! My clean kitchen is now a mess but that’s ok. Tomorrow is another day!

To busy for gambling today!

ahhh thank you IDI your post is very sweet. You challenge how I think as well. I think it is good for all of us to grow outside our own comfort zone. Somehow those got us where we are. Have a wonderful week.
Laura

Another busy day today. Hubby is taking me into the city this morning to do some shopping. Our little tiny community grocery store is quite expensive. It’s time for a big stock up. Just one of the many blessing of not gambling. I don’t have to worry about money for food. It is in the bank where it should be!

Will try and do some posting later as well. But all this self improvement stuff takes time. Not to mention just the time it takes to be a regular human being.

Stay strong in your resolve. It does make a difference. Maybe only a little in the beginning. But it could save your life!

Thanks I did it. My GA group used to refer to “stop the bleeding” One of the first things is to plug the holes to stop the bleeding of money. A crack addict would be dead if they tried to inject the amount of money we spend (not to belittle such an addiction). We bleed it all until there is nothing left! Some start gambling at a time in their life where they have savings built up, a home, retirement fund. And if the CG in full blown action doesn’t prevent it by turning over finances, or locking things up so they cant be touched we will tragically bleed every last cent! Now some are not full blown yet and still inflict massive damage. Money is important to live, to provide the necessities of life, and yes some pleasures for sure. But with necessities taken care of we can focus on our own mental health. Once we stop the bleeding and immerse ourselves in recovery the money will usually being to take care of itself.

So i’ve been spending lots of time on the forum. And as a result I have been putting pressure on my physical health. I AM feeling better, but I am still not in great shape. I have a list as long as my arm of paper work to deal with. Insurance forms, medical claims, not to mention household bills that need to be opened and paid. Grateful to be able to say “and paid”. So I’ll be a little quieter next couple of days to settle things down again and take care of personal business. Part of my recovery is taking care of me. So a little self care required. Roots that need covering lol

So time to just jump in and gets some stuff done!
Laura

I was queen of lazy past two days P Did get a few paperwork items off my list. Thank you Vera and I did it for your posts as well!

Finally got the roots covered!

Had a nice afternoon with my whole immediate family and spouses and most of the kids. Older ones are working now and can’t always drop everything for a family get together.

So this is normal life i’m living right now, gratefully enjoying the little things like lower pain levels. It seems to take me forever to get some things done and i guess i’m allowed to have a sit out day or two when i need them.

Trying to hang on for first evening group but bed is calling my name. Not feeling too darn inspirational lol. Actually rather loggy after too much food! I don’t know how the people from UK manage to stay up late enough for them!

Tomorrow is another day and i’m hoping a good night sleep will change my energy level. Especially as this is a rather sad excuse of a post. But I posted. I’ve spent time on my recovery today in a group session. I need to keep aware. The beast merely sleeps.

Laura

More of the everyday!

Pharmacy run as i forgot about the holiday and ran out of some meds over the weekend. Need to get some housework done. My GA buddy and very close friend is coming for a visit this afternoon. Seems like everything needs to be done around here all at once and then I start to get overwhelmed. I used to carry the weight of my family on my shoulders but feel like I can barely lift a pebble these days. Baby steps! Sometimes that’s all I can do. Gambling/recovery have been a part of my life for 13 years now paired with chronic pain for close to 20. Disability for quite a spell too. I interchange some of the coping strategies. Many are the same. Self care, walking is so important. Also so many of us don’t get enough vitamin D especially in the winter. Magnesium deficiency is also quite common. Anything to improve how one feels. Because without gambling stimulating our reward center we feel like heck. So on that note, I’ve ordered my meds, need to get breakfast into me to take what I have, and then have to find someone to either taxi me around or do some errands! Have a gamble free day!

Thanks so much 3raser, very lovely of you to post. Food for thought. It is the not coming clean that bothers me. But I need to make a decision and move on. Not keep dwelling on it. In one way or another my husband would make me pay for it. So it’s my choice to keep it hidden. Then that makes me feel awful because what does that say about our relationship? Ack!

I was going to try and post a little more this evening, so many others to touch base with here. But balance! Back is sore and I have done my limit for today. Praying for all of our success.
Laura

Hey everyone! busy days, ticking things off my to do list. Medical forms filled out and mailed to surgeon, bank paperwork completed that will save us some money. Quick note to say not gambling today. Although the other day I was walking or hobbling along the wooded path near our home and came across a very cross chipmunk chattering at me. Put me in mind of a game I used to play! And boy the urges came! How nutty is that?
But I have no access to gambling so they moved off within a few hours. I think that is what barriers are about. They help dampen down the urges. Where as if you are relying on will power alone they have greater possibility of spiraling out of control.

Hubby is looking for the computer so that’s it for now. Hope I’l be back for the 10pm London time group.

ODAAT
Laura

One day is just sliding into the next. But I’m keeping busy! I know what it’s like to not be able to do anything so when i can move I do. No group for me tonight. Have to go get ready to go out. Just for a few hours visiting with friends. I”m pretty sleepy so would love to skip, but sometimes it’s necessary to push myself not to isolate. I hope you are all spending the evening without a bet. Stay strong. Laura

So true Geordie,I truly could use full time hours to spend posting here!

Thanks Vera and Liz, I enjoyed my night out Saturday night. Good to laugh and be with friends. I was tucked in by 11 but had a tossy turny night. Up late this morning so not much time for posting. Spent some time house cleaning. It seems it’s never ending with a family that is home a lot and constantly eating! My husband is a great cook and believes in sitting around the supper table together. It is something we’ve done every night since we’ve been married and then had a family.

No urges right now. But I don’t go anywhere alone and my family wouldn’t take me gambling. Not that I’d ever ask!

If I was giving advice or commenting to someone else I would tell them to make sure they don’t have access to cash before that changes. I would also recommend that they come clean to their partner. Right now there is a door open. I need to really think about that.

I actually have been able to look at making a couple of large purchases. A relatively new vehicle and a piece of property for my retirement. No decisions made yet, but they are options that I can actually consider again. Gambling will take away those things.

Food for my thought.
L

Not much has changed since my last post. Picked up a good deal on some second hand furniture at a neighbour’s moving sale. It was good to have a little money saved. One of the benefits of no gambling.

Lots of friction on the site. Makes the mediator in me come out. I’ve always been a peacemaker when others are upset or not getting along. It’s my nature to want everyone to see the best in each other and their potential. When you’ve been around this place on and off for a decade you see all manners of people with varying levels of addiction. I’ve seen those I never thought would fall do just that. And those that I never thought would get their foothold in recovery who have shone. Everybody deserves to be treated the same. Sometimes people are not in a place to receive the messages and suggestions of recovery and will have to go back out there one more time or many more times. We cannot save each other by sheer will. Each will have to put a great deal into their own recovery. I pray I remain open to the messages and suggestions of recovery.
Laura

Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

Liz, Geordie and I were discussing the loss of loved ones the other day. And how missing them can cause urges.

And Vera, mentioned on IDI’s thread about voids in our lives or in ourselves and i talked about using gambling to fill them.

I’ve had two light bulb moments in the past few days. Now my memory isn’t perfect, but I’ve back tracked the dates and it lines up. In January of 2015 a best friend of decades was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. They could only offer her time with treatment. I believe I started gambling in March of 2015 at the same time as she began chemotherapy. I watched a funny vibrant woman fade into a shell of herself subject to what I equate with medical torture. She was so sick and pumped full of drugs it was a nightmare to watch her suffer. She passed in December of that year, a couple weeks before Christmas. In February my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The only blessings were that he was to weak for chemo and he only suffered for three months. We buried him in May of 2016. As much as it broke my heart it killed me just as much to watch my mum lose her partner of a half century.

So now I said I had two aha moments. The other. Well a few years before I lost my best friend to illness, I felt a void in a different way. One other than that left behind by the loss of loved ones.

My sister remarried and no longer spent hours with me every week. We used to spend hours together on weekends doing things with our kids or even just visiting. On the phone with each other at least a couple times a week. My very best friend. She just has different priorities now and I understand that. Kids are older and she’s the taxi driver, spends time with husband in the evenings etc. But it still left a big void.

At the same time my physical health was declining due to various medical issues. I wasn’t able to do a lot of activities. And after sitting at a computer at work all day I couldn’t do it at home too. I couldn’t travel much or spend time doing things like photography. This was also a loss and another void to be filled.

My gambling was sporadic but I think I knew as I was doing it that I was trying to relieve something. But now I see it wasn’t just losses I was trying to relieve it was also voids I was trying to fill.

I just can’t believe I didn’t see it, or I didn’t retain those reasons. It’s so hard to see things when your emotions are tied up in them I guess.

So that being said, I had a rare morning spent with my sister shopping. Got a good start on Christmas. Thank God I am still medically restricted from driving! No gambling. Need to work on putting that mental ban back in place. If I was gambling right now Christmas wouldn’t be a given as the gift money might end up in a slot machine. Never want to go back to October 28, 2009. The day my last cent of credit never mind actual money went into the slot machine. I think I spent the next two weeks thinking of all kinds of crazy schemes to make a lot of money. Some of them illegal.

I guess for me that was where I drew a line. I’ll consider myself lucky in that instance. If I would have been more nimble who knows.

Onward and upward!

ODAAT
Laura

Thanks for your post Tina. I need to work on filling voids in as healthy a way possible.
I’ve been spending too much time sitting these days. GT is a healthy way of dealing with my addiction but not if I start putting everyone else’s recovery before my own recovery.
I have to balance my physical situation with gambling addiction recovery. And what is or isn’t working for someone else may not fit my specific situation. I know what worked for me. I know what I need to do to protect myself from the next bet as much as possible.
I remember there were times where I wanted to be able to gamble like a normal person. I didn’t want to stop. And any advice that suggested drastic steps that may interfere with that was not well received! After all I wasn’t as bad as most of the people here!
All I had to do was give it a little more time and I proved to myself that wasn’t true.
Today I will fill my recovery with positivity!
Laura

Just a quick pop on to say today was a busy day full of those little things in life like car troubles, running late to appointments and playing catch up. Will have more time to post later. Thanks Vera for your post. will respond later/tomorrow. IDI, thankyou for letting me know you are around. Hope to bump in to you over the weekend. Going to go veg in front of tv for a while!
Laura

So tired this morning. Procrastinating and doing a little posting and reading.

Off to do some banking and I’ve been gathering all the required paperwork. I’m nerved up, like I used to be when on my last cent and debt ready to topple over on me. But that’s not the situation this time round thanks to not gambling. I can tell them to stuff if i want as i don’t need it. The money is for a want! not a need! Before I needed it because I had put my money for all necessities in a slot machine.

So time to finish getting organized! Also, evening out tonight so won’t be around groups. Yawn, I hope i have time for an afternoon nap!

Laura

Home from an evening out with family. Banking appointment went fine but snafu with the paperwork, computers, great when the work not so great when they take a break! So we took a lot longer due to waiting for the banks system to come back on line. I’m now exhausted.

So happy to hear you are starting counseling Liz! You are worth it. I hope you find a good match. Will pop by your thread tomorrow for a read.

You are right Vera. I was exactly the same. Living lies. Holding up a house of cards that was going to come crashing down sooner or later. Thanks for sharing too. Reminded me of the fakeness of it all.

I really did spend some quality time with my sisters and mother tonight. I treasure those moments. I am blessed to have siblings that would do anything for me and a mother that would move heaven and earth. Same as I for them. Since the loss of my dad I appreciate them even more. And they are the same which is a blessing. Not all families are a joy! I no longer have any secrets from them. I used to hide from them because I didn’t want them to know what was going on with my life. Now I am a take it or leave person with them. This is me.

night,
Laura

hey Liz, whatever you feel you need. Don’t be a stranger. Stop by to let me know how you are doing. I regret that I “disappeared” from GT when I did. I guess it was something I had to go through. Of course if we are busy with real life that can be a good thing too. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself. Take care, Laura

thanks for your posts IDI and Monica. I can understand the hating oneself at times IDI. I am hard on myself. Catch myself being mean to myself. We don’t deserve it! Monica, you are having a particularly difficult “recovery” for your first steps from a particularly hard bottom. Some day you will look back and say I made it back from that, how strong and inspiring am I.

So I’m going to take a break for a while, just this afternoon. I’m not moving enough. I’m not doing things for me I need to. I have parcels to get off for Christmas and I haven’t been keeping up with my paperwork. Medical claim to file. I need the support of the site but I also need to get money back to live on.
A trigger for me has been tight finances. Because I think I can win enough to take the pressure off. It never works out that way. Any temporary relief (which is rare) is eaten up and so much more by the long term harm. No gambling for me today. My biggest barrier (not being able to drive to a venue) is still in place and will be for quite some time to come.

Please have a good day all!
Laura

Thanks IDI, I do miss driving. I’m always on someone else’s schedule or time table when it comes to getting out. But on the other hand i’m not gambling. I want to think I’m not just abstaining. But i guess time will tell.

I went for a nap after supper last night and didn’t get back up! Watched a little tv middle of the night but for the most part slept. Just rubbing the sleep out of my eyes now.

coffee and do some catching up

Laura

omg IDI, see, I needed coffee!

new thread right now is up to you. It depends whether you feel like you can use it as your own thread where you will be supported or respectfully challenged for your own growth. I understand if you need to take a breath. Do what feels right for you and to heck with the rest of it.

Laura

I’m totally procrastinating. Got a couple things done but not the ones top of mind. Then my anxiety starts. I have to stop letting little things bother me. Like if I don’t soon return an online shopping purchase it’s going to turn into a bigger task to return it for a full refund. So i’m kicking my own backside to get moving. And deal with the stupid task. I’m also trying to figure out a way to apologize to someone who I feel I hurt inadvertently and unintentionally. Onward and upward.
Laura

I definitely think it would have improved my chances Vera. And once able to I intend on going back.

You are the person I feel I have probably hurt. In my support of someone’s feelings I think I tromped on yours. I am sorry and it was unintentional! I think you do your best to share your experience with the intent of it helping others.

Thanks for the good advice IDI.

I’ve always been the tip toer in my relationships! Friendships included.

Laura

Thanks Vera. Lots of wisdom in those words! Far more to each of us.

I hope you are proud of the woman you have become without gambling to hide behind.
Laura

awww thanks IDI ! I hope you had a good day. I have been walking a little bit. Small walks through the woods with my old dog. We are a good pair. The pain has stayed manageable since the mass shrunk slighty, but has also changed shape which is applying less pressure to the nerves in my spine. I sent a very pointed prayer to God on my walk yesterday. Asking for help for someone who is suffering more than most. When I came home a large flock of golden finches (a bird I consider my sign) were waiting for me in the tree at the end of the driveway. They flew into my back yard as i turned in. Beautiful and singing. I am taking it as a sign. I have faith. I can only hope it’s what we think we want!
Laura

Thanks Mav and Kathryn. I only ever had a sign once before in my life. I will only believe it is a good sign. I think you’re right Mav, you never know who’s listening and nature puts me in mind of our creator. So good to get a note off of you Kathryn, it has been ages I think! Keep counting the blessings. Mom just went through this process with her mother. It’s so sad. Hold on to the good memories Kathryn. You’ve been a good daughter through out your moms dementia. Your kids still know their gran and see how an elder should be treated. Life doesn’t always seem fair when assigning physical hurtles for people to deal with. So keep living life large while you can for as long as you can. Your last trip was inspirational! So great that you put that ban back in place. Keep going ?? ~ L

Going shopping for a while this morning. Getting a few more things finished for Christmas. I will be alone for an hour or more. I could have set it up to gamble. But why would I?

I’d much rather have a stress free Christmas! My bills paid and presents under the tree. I don’t go crazy. Never did. Even pre gambling. Maybe that’s why my eldest always says turkey dinner is what makes his Christmas, not the gifts.

We will all be together again this year, sitting around the same table and getting along really. We aren’t perfect, far from it, but I will give thanks for my many blessings.

Now I’d better go get ready. I’m being dropped off at the shopping location that DOES NOT have a gambling venue. I’m not wasting this precious day.

Laura

When we got to the city i was offered the car to use. I’m feeling well enough sometimes to drive short distances now. I took the car and headed for my first shopping stop. The thought popped into my head that I could go the gambling venue now if I wanted. I didn’t want. I didn’t feel up to sitting on a stool losing my Christmas money and coming back here to let my GT friends know. I feel accountable to this little group right now. I am cultivating this feeling. I need support in recovery.

I am feeling a lot better pain wise Kathryn. But I still have a lot of pain. It just isn’t totally debilitating now. I have to be very careful but can at least make myself comfortable for the most part. For six months I did literally nothing but agonize. But I am so grateful that I am no longer like that!

I’m sure your mom’s room will be lovely! And your camping trips look like so much fun! Nice to be looking forward to summer instead of winter!

Thanks so much for your posts 3racer and I did it! I had a nice couple hours of shopping. Picked up a few thoughtful little gifts for one of my sisters and a sister in law. Shopped for a few of the goodies, chocolate mints, turtles, Christmas nuts. I’m hoping to do a little decorating over the weekend. Again not a big splash but a few of my little ornaments and decorations out. I am grateful to be able to do it. Between gambling and a bad back it’s been a bit of a hit and miss over the years.

So i have husbands business taxes to get done before they post debt on his account. He doesn’t owe, but I haven’t been able to do them. So that is another thing to get off my plate today. At least the part that will stop them from posting false debts.

Have a good gamble free day

Laura

I deal with anxiety. Even with close friends I can get anxious. Which is strange because I can strike up a conversation with a stranger and it not bother me. I have a fear of not being liked or accepted. I have self esteem issues. I have worked on those on and off my whole life. I’m also extremely sensitive and intuitive I believe. Then other times I feel as dense as a rock. There are days I open GT and I don’t no what to say to anyone. I don’t want to offend, don’t want to jump to wrong conclusions, or have things come out totally backwards. I’ve read posts from a day or two earlier and thought what the heck was I saying there?? I guess what I’m saying is if something I say offends, please let me know. That is never my intent! Laura

Thanks so much Monica. Very kind post. So true about humans. I’d like to come back as my dog lol. She has it pretty much made. Although would complain we didn’t exercise enough. She is now 85 in people years and we are both happy to stay inside on a cold winter’s day.

I was out this evening for an hour. Back was too sore to stay. I get depressed and frustrated that it keeps me from doing every day things. It hurts to move too much sometimes so then I turn into a lump. There are support groups for people that suffer with life long pain and back problems websites with forums etc. But really, how many forums does a girl need? Especially with a bad back. I need one of those back to the future reclining computer console and chair combos. I try and be grateful but feel my life is wasted in a lot of ways. I am stuck waiting. I think I will take my tablet to bed and do some reading to catch up on others threads. Too much pouting going on over here! Laura

I have just seen this post now Monica. Thanks for sharing some of your story with me. We have a lot in common. My partner didn’t end the relationship when I’ve had many health issues but he is only supportive when and if he feels like it, which isn’t often. He’s very much into himself and his way of life. In a lot of ways it suits me to stay married but at other times I feel he causes me more problems then help. Anyway, for a group some time. I’ve tried many things for my back. Tens included. I’d just like a new one. And you are right, it is ok to rest. Thanks so much for your post xo

thankyou for posting Liz! I did have a good day although I had to push my self a little to get a couple things completed that just wouldn’t wait. I was sore from traveling. I’m waiting to see if anyone lands in group in the next few minutes and if not I’m going for a nap! Stay hopeful Liz. You can take the steps that you need! It is never to late to change things! Laura

Listening to the radio, the odd Christmas carol on. Taking a break. I did some cleaning today and the tree is up. Not decorating until tomorrow as I need to rest for a couple of parties tonight. I won’t manage to make it out long but I want to go. I won’t be around for 10pm chat tonight and the midnight one is always at a bad time for me (London time) so rarely can make that one. Hopefully there will be no more interruptions now that we swapped out our modem. I was disconnected this morning. Grrr so frustrating. I was in middle of a post to Geordie as well. It will have to wait I’m afraid. I don’t have time to even read this afternoon. Take care everyone. I know times can be really tough. Especially this close to Christmas. Hang in there please. Life isn’t perfect when we stop gambling, but we can face things and stop making them worse. And then hopefully things can slowly move forward. No CG improved their life by gambling. We can put life’s lessons to good use however. Stay safe please. Laura

Hanging in chat. Had a good time last evening. Was home and tucked in by 11. Wish I could have stayed out, the party was just getting started! But my back wouldn’t take any more. Going to do some catching up with everyone. Laura

Thanks for your post IDI. Sad that I need all that validation but I find I do! Having a bad back day. Just want to sleep which I may do. Stay strong everyone!

Thanks for the note Kathryn! I can’t do chat on my phone either. And reading and posting is terrible on the small screen so you get a pat on the back for texting this basically! I’m getting a new tablet for Christmas so I’m hoping that means more chat and posting. Canada is beautiful too with it’s own huge list of must sees. Bigger than the USA though so if you want to see a lot of it you need some time. Keep saving and dreaming!

Hi I did it,
pain is much more manageable at the moment. Hoping it stays that way. I still have a lot of issues but every second isn’t agony. I’m pretty much ready for Christmas. Husband and I are taking a quick last minute trip for a few things early tomorrow and I will be done shopping. I’ve got half my wrapping done. I never seem to quite manage every thing though. There are Christmas cards not written this year, and even the family may not get any! What does it matter really? They will understand. There are so many people dealing with challenges in this world. I’ve got all kinds of chocolates and treats and the inside of the house is decorated. I treated myself to a beautiful poinsettia planting with three different colours. When I’m not gambling or digging out of financial chaos I treat myself. I try not to blow out the budget but at the same time I could spend thousands before without the bat of an eye. So what is a $20 plant that gives me pleasure to look at? I’m taking my pleasure where I can get it. I try not to see what others have that I don’t ( a working body that enables them to take care of themselves totally). I can’t go out socializing all hours, hanging with friends or traveling. A girlfriend and I were to go stay at a resort together this winter. That has been called off, I couldn’t handle the length of the flight. Anyway, i think i’m rambling! Thanks for the check in IDI. This will be one of my more Christmassy Christmases ?? I think I’ll be at 10pm chat but I am usually a little late as we are just finishing supper here. Catch you soon hopefully.
Laura

Haha I did it! Of course my neighbours are away for the Christmas holidays. Ah well. I’ve been in and out like a jack in a box all day. Went shopping early this morning then home to clean a bit and sort receipts and Christmas loot. Then back out with husband chaffeuring to pick up a couple last minute gift certificates, some Bailey’s Irish Cream, prescriptions and a quick pop in to the local market for something easy to cook for supper.

I hope you get everything done you wanted to last night. I used to be horrible when gambling. I’d penny pinch on everything from the meat for supper to buying a new pair of under wear! hahaha And then turn around and blow the same amount in 30 seconds and keep going for hours. Crazy!

You will do what you can IDI for that person/situation, I know you will if opportunity presents. And do a little something nice for your self. Reward yourself for all your progress this year. xo

Laura

Thanks for your post Velvet. I hope your holidays are Merry as well ??

Such a lovely post IDI. Thank you for your support and posts! It’s good to get feedback.

I just finished colouring my hair. Feel better when it is a job done. A few months back i didn’t care what it looked like I was in so much pain. Just not being like that still is a huge relief!

I’m feeling good about not gambling. I haven’t had much opportunity but the rare time I did I have stayed away. It’s hard to witness others going through the tragedy this addiction/illness can bring. It brings back a lot of the bad memories. It reminds me that the picture is better going forward not back.

I’ve never been extravagant at Christmas, and kept the budget down this year. Lots of necessities like socks, undies, pajamas, jeans, coat. I’m helping my oldest son get through college which means he has tuition and bills to keep a vehicle on the road. My income has gone down while I”m not working but the basics are covered and I’m so thankful. Not everyone is so lucky. I’m hoping time changes everyone here’s story, for the better.

I hope everyone can find some joy in the season. And if not possible may it go fast for you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Laura

Dear Vera,

Thank-you for taking the time to post! I really don’t know where you get the energy either! My mom is the same. Prepares a full turkey dinner all on her own. I don’t know if I could do it, even with a better back.

It’s good that you have your GA meetings and groups that support you. At our meeting we would read from “A Day at a Time” meditation book. Then you could comment on the reading or just how your day was going or your recovery in general. I found almost always I got something from the reading. And people’s thoughts on it were also insightful. More an exercise in growth.

You are probably in the thick of your Christmas day. Enjoy Vera! You worked so hard for this day.

Merry Christmas Vera xo

Christmas day is here. So many expectations placed on Christmas. Makes me glad that I was rarely extravagant in the past. My sons were not hard done by growing up, they always got so much from others, grandparents, aunts and uncles, I couldn’t see just buying more for the sake of buying. At least now my sense of money has really returned to normal. It’s not just paper, or for the online gamblers a balance on a screen! It is actually supposed to be our means to take care of ourselves. Something I lost in the heat of my gambling addiction. It just made the reels spin! And it was an inconvenience to run out!

Rambling this morning. Today is a day of coming and going for me. Turkey dinners and presents and time with family. I’m a little sore from going out to listen to a band Saturday night for a few hours. The music was lively and it was hard to sit still.

My mind is not filled with my next bet. I rarely think of it. Which is such a relief. As I dabbled I would have times where I could feel myself being pulled back into that pattern of go gambling, think about gambling when not, go gambling.

Life does get better. And we can keep making it better by not gambling.

Merry Christmas everyone, and here’s to a gamble free New Year.

Laura xo

Christmas day was a lovely time spent with close family. The biggest blessing is that we have all continued to live close to one another. The furthest being 45 minutes away. We support each other through thick or thin and I couldn’t ask for more. This was probably my last Christmas with both my sons living home so I enjoyed the quality time of having them around. Honestly it was a smooth, non stressful day.

I will have to add more later as I’m falling asleep at my keyboard. Nap required! lol I owe a few posts to others as well. Later today i hope. ~L

Thanks for your post I did it! I’ve been awfully tired with all the goings on of Christmas. It takes a lot out of me to force my body to do things and I can only force so much and the exhaustion sets in. It is 11am and I’m just crawling out of bed. I need to sort that out as I hate waking that late. It makes me feel like I lost half my day. I was up late last night semi dozing as I listened to TV. Not awake enough to do anything ( I tried taking my new tablet to bed with me but that didn’t work out, too sore to get comfortable in a typing position), but not sleeping either. Hopefully I’ll be able to get into a little better routine once all of the holiday hoopla is over.

Sometimes I feel a little silly, here typing about my mundane stuff when others are going through such hard times with this addiction. In early recovery days boredom would have been welcomed compared to dealing with the chaos gambling had made of my life. So boredom can be good.

I also got out the dreaded over due government taxes. My husband has a business so his can take some time. I have got myself organized so I’m hoping about 10 hours will take care of that. A little here and a little there. I want them filed by Monday. I have to do this as it will affect my son applying for loans for college if I don’t get them in ASAP. There is always something to do. Some task to stay on top of. Being a procrastinator extraordinaire I can put them off forever. Always something else I’d rather do.

And with that little whine I’ll say good morning everyone! Definitely onward and upwards. We can’t go back and change things but we can keep moving forward. Baby steps or hanging on tight to prevent back slide. And over time that will take us upward. We just have to keep doing the next right thing. And when I say that, I mean next right thing for our own self. We are all individuals and we need to build our lives for our own self.
Laura

Thanks 3racer, Liz and Velvet. It is always lovely to get mail and of course for myself, a little validation. I always envy those who can live their life without really caring what others think. Sometimes I try hard not to but I just don’t seem to be wired that way. I have to find somewhere in the middle. So I am thankful for your feedback ladies, it does mean a lot to me. There is an expression that a lot of people toss around, how they are “feeling blessed”. I try not to use it a lot, even if I feel that way. Because why am I being blessed while others are not? I think it’s more a feeling of gratitude for the good things I have in my life and I can ***** all of the people here at GT among the things I am grateful for. Have a lovely evening.
Laura

Gambling had left me broke and empty as well. I gambled to fill a void. But instead it just took from me, leaving a bigger void, a bigger hole to climb out of! I’m glad your meeting was so powerful. A good reminder that no matter how far we get we can still fall. We are only a bet away as I realize all too well.

I’m glad you are happy Vera. It’s a happiness that comes from being true to ourselves I think. When we are gambling we project a fake persona to the world to hide the chaos that is going on inside. There are lies, or perhaps only “lies of omission” that we are hiding. It’s hard to be two people at the same time.

I will forever remember our heart to hearts back in the days when chat was open 24/7. I miss that! Knowing no matter the time of day there was the possibility of hooking up!

Keep following the path that is true to you Vera. Wishing you all the best in 2018.

Laura

I love that we can get insight from each other. Your thoughts provoke me to work on my though process. I guess if I had to choose between being an unfeeling person who mows over others in life and and an oversensitive person who gets fooled and walked on, I’d pick oversensitive. It just must be nice to not deal with the anxiety it can bring. Not that I don’t push myself to get out. But now and again I tend to freeze up!

I do worry less as I get older. Most definitely about body issues. Not too many perfect people in this world and I don’t have the time and energy to get myself there now! Better things to spend my time on! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for self improvement, but superficial doesn’t do it for me anymore.

So thanks for being there these past months IDI, whether it is to pass recovery time together or make positive connections about ways to find healing. It’s all been a help.

Laura

Off for an afternoon visit with mum and the sisters. It’s a good day. It’s a gamble free day!

My Mary Poppins attitude has been deflated at the moment. My husband made a couple of rather hurtful comments night before last and I’ve been stewing on them of course. He is not overly helpful and I had a minor melt down about it. I’ve told him how I feel about what he said. He looked slightly uncomfortable but not enough to actually take back what he said. So we’ve been picking at each other ever since.

I also managed to fall last night. Right after a group I went to get out of the big arm chair and managed to hook my own self in my pajama pant leg. I went flying as I had no leg to put under me (it was wrapped in the opposite pajama bottom leg). I had food in one hand and it went flying too. I’m a little beat up this morning but not enough to stop my progress. I am in the middle of doing a big clothes clean up in my bedroom. Bathroom got a good scrub day before yesterday and all the holiday decorations are down and away. I had them up early this year as I wasn’t working. I’m ready to end 2017.
The constant cooking that goes on in my home without the necessary cleaning it requires means I’m always pushing myself. I’m not the cook but I’m the main cleaner! I am starting a new eating plan in the new year and I plan on only doing what is necessary to take care of me. I am also going away for a couple weeks next month. I am very looking forward to it. I’m afraid if things don’t change then 2018 will be the year I need to make a big change.

Dear 2017, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Happy New Year Everyone

Today will still be a gamble free day. I will not jeopardize my choices by throwing them away in a slot machine. And that is what gambling addiction has done to me in the past.

Laura

Thankyou all for your posts. You are all really very kind! Bad mood has passed.

I’m over my fall for the most part. Got a lovely big bruise and couldn’t hardly move my arm for a few days. Physical therapist treated my big bruise with a laser yesterday and it felt much better fairly quickly.

Still some friction between hubby and I. I have to take care of me by doing less. And I refuse to live in a pig stye. So he can either clean after he cooks or eat a sandwich! Or get his sons on board to do dishes after supper! I just feel like I need simple right now. Kathryn our fellas always were like twins!

So I received a little windfall. Unexpected adjustment to my previous disability amount that went back a ways. I still don’t trust that it is mine! So saving most of it for now. There is hope people. Gambling did not pop into my mind when i found out it is supposed to be mine. Instead I thought instantly of how I could pay off my credit card and help my son with tuition. I sent an old work mate who is really struggling money to put heating fuel in the tank. Big storm coming and we’ve had frigid temps here. Should get her through a few weeks anyway. Very expensive to heat here. It made me feel good to do it for her. People shouldn’t be struggling not to freeze! And a child in the house as well.

So today I’m just home. The business taxes still need to be finished. The bulk of them left to do. But i have made progress sorting out my clothes and my bedroom. Hoping to do some catching up here as well. Take care my friends. Its a new day. Lets make it a gamble free one.

Laura

Hi IDI, hope first day back hasn’t been too torturous!

you are right. Windfall’s don’t have to come from gambling. And if we are out of control when they come we spend them all gambling. I know at some point in my future, hopefully not for a long long time, I will inherit some money. Not crazy money, but enough to give me a decent old age. I don’t want to be the crazy old lady gambler sitting at the slot in her diaper! And not because i’d need one. There is no shame in that.

Travel is what I want to do some day. When my sons settle into their own lives and leave the nest I’d like to start saving to travel. And that should be in the next year or two. hopefully lol

I like that, is that from the bible?

I think I’ll treat myself to some extra spending money on my trip. I’m going south for a couple weeks. Only two weeks until my trip ??

If I have power I’ll be around 10pm group. Just a few minutes late as usual.

take care xo

I’m having a couple of days where aggravations keep popping up and I feel like I’ve been dealing with everybody else in my family’s issues! But that is family. In my case I’m very lucky that I get a lot of support from the women in my family. So when mom is having a rare bad day I shouldn’t really complain at all. Nothing I want to go into here but just meant I haven’t been around here much since Friday night. And I like to support others.

My Friday night was fine. I’ve been having some bad back days so honestly I would have cancelled if it hadn’t been so long since I’ve last seen her. We just went somewhere near by and had a drink. Really nice visit and I was home by 9:30. I was out last night but just for a couple hours to see friends. They ended up having an unplanned social gathering as several more stopped by. I couldn’t stay and I sooo wanted to. But my back just wouldn’t take it. So home I came to pout. Took a pain killer and lathered on the pain rub and to bed with my heating pad to watch tv. I’m going to have to save for one of those fancy adjustable beds!

Anyway, sorry to those I have missed and would like to have posted to. Stay strong everyone.

Laura

that you did Kathryn! put a little smile on my face that is. Unfortunately men in tight pants don’t interest me much either lol lol 50 hour work weeks and a cleaning job on top, ugh. Ok, lets turn that around. Awesome that you had two weeks Christmas holidays and great you have a job to go back to. Start dreaming about where you may go next holiday. Sky’s the limit! ok well it seems like it is lol. Love right back at you Kathryn. Have a good week.

Up early this morning to try and have a coffee in peace! I go to the doc’s office a little later this morning to hopefully get clearance to fly.

sometimes life is a struggle but what is the alternative?

have a good gamble free day everyone

I am working through relationship issues. I would have thought after three decades we would have this figured out by now. But the key word is we. I had some very serious words for my husband yesterday and I know he heard what I said, listened and processed, and is making efforts at the moment. This is in addition to a few of these conversations recently. I am going to be completely laid up with surgery. I won’t be made feel useless and a burden.

I’m saying this here because in the past this has been a huge trigger for me. As soon as physically capable of sitting I would find a slot machine for a few hours.

I will speak my truth and either his behaviour changes or mine will. And I’ll be d@mned if I’m going to escape again.

Laura

thank you Kin for your reminder that this is an addiction and as an ex addict, a recovering addict there is nothing wrong with having life issues , it will all be in how I handle them. Thank you for the powerful quotes and its true. I’ve read similar things as well. Will I sit down to the rhythmic zone? No I refuse to have that first bet. Going out to friends for a couple drinks. I napped all afternoon as was exhausted from the days tasks. One day at a time right now. Just one day.

Thanks for both your posts today IDI. I had a very busy day for me yesterday and over extended myself. So today was a short trip to the city in the morning with my sister, home in the early afternoon to prepare supper and then I conked. Just woke up now but am going back to bed. I’m glad it isn’t going to impact your recovery, that is what is important! Maybe we will catch up tomorrow some time. I can honestly say I have made some very very meaningful connections here. It does give a place to belong and a core group of supporters who will always be routing for your recovery. Where you should be able to share no matter what. This recovery business takes time effort and support. I know you can do this! Perhaps I should post this on your thread,but i wanted to reply first. I’ll read your response on your thread tomorrow with a fresh mind and maybe after a coffee or two ?? Good night

Too funny Kathryn, I hope the pancakes taste ok! I’m the worst cook. Mostly I think because i get distracted. But the cooking skills are barely there, nothing ever seems to turn out as it should. 3 ingredients is about what i can handle! I’m planning a very lazy day today! I slept for almost 14 hours last night , i should be well rested! Have a good week in work. You are doing amazing Kathryn! thanks for the post xo

My last day gambled was June 25, 2017. I hadn’t gambled in a couple months or so. I was forced to drive myself to an appointment as no one else could. I gambled. I haven’t gambled since. Hope this meets standard.

Laura

so very sweet of you Maverick. Thanks for the boost ?? It’s great that you have maintained a sense of humour. That’s one thing I refuse to let this addiction take from me either! Be by to post soon and see how things are in your world.

My coffee pot will be on and I will be there IDI. Don’t let the distractions get to you! You are right when you said you are alone in this. In one way you are. You are the one who makes the choice and and lets in the suffering that you must bare. Not today! or You are the on that make the choice that lets your bank balance stay where it is and stability to take hold. Which wolf will you feed today? I always liked that parable.

Talk later, Laura

there’s been some more drama and it affects the site and everyone here when it stirs up, myself included. But I’m just going to try and give all the benefit of the doubt as I did the last time. If being right is more important than anything else have at it. I’m just trying to ignore it as I don’t think there is anything I can say that will make things better.

On to happier things. I am heading south for two weeks. It’s for a medical consult but I will also have lots of down time in the warmth. And as we just had a two week spell of colder than -15 C I can use it. I’m a little nervous about my stamina but I have requested wheel chair assistance so I’m hoping everything will go fine.

I still have some paperwork to finish before I go but I am making progress. I need to start packing. Looking forward to seeing some family I haven’t seen in a while. Feeling a little blah but hoping it will pass once I get rolling today.

Onward and upward!
Laura

currently in room 229

Sorry I missed you xo! Kathryn!

Thanks Geordie I will! Wish I could send you some warmth for your hands. Please take care of yourself. Laura

So that update… well, I’m not even started packing, so I’d best get up to it!!! two loads of laundry left to do. I love my men, but a couple of weeks away not either trying to keep up with their mess or ignore it will be wonderful. Not to mention the sun and the warmth. Good place to recoup if I have any surgical procedure. oh yeah, no more coming back to read for an hour or two, I’m supposed to get moving!

Laura

coffee break deserved

I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the last couple hours. I needed to do that. I walked the dog and cleared my head. I folded all my clothes and packed as I put away. Most things ticked off my list so just a little packing left to do and one more load of my clothes. I’m packing light and hope to do some shopping.

I will have family with me everywhere i go and they all know I had a very serious gambling problem. They are my best barrier really. They would challenge me if i even mentioned it. My credit cards are with my husband for his shopping and I’ve left very little cash in the bank. I’ve paid my bills and CC payments. I need to focus on my recovery and staying that way, in recovery.

I have one card for my use on my trip. I intend to spend it looking for needed clothing for myself and my oldest son who is in college and put on a little weight. He’s grown out of all his clothes so I’m going to see if I can pick up several items at good prices.
I’m grateful I”m at least feeling well enough to do a little shopping in between appointments. This real is going to be a wellness trip for me.
Laura

Made it!

I travelled on the 19th and 20th. I’ve had lots of naps and sleep since and am looking forward to a little light shopping today. Yesterday afternoon was a beach day so we went for a few hours. Heaven to sit at the seaside with the smells and noises in the winter!

It must be difficult IDI to have a gambling family. Especially if they like to do it as a group event. I guess you probably know it didn’t get them anywhere financially but to not be able to be social with your own family would be difficult. Perhaps its a good thing you dont live near them? It must make trips home more difficult for sure. Before you next trip home you will have to try and come up with some barriers, excuses, or just a plain old I don’t play them anymore. I have more money when i don’t!
So i will be safe the next couple weeks. I’ll try and post a little but i dont have my usual computer chair and computer so I can’t do too much of it. May be some one liners on my tablet. take care everybody. Onward and upward!

My vacation is coming to an end. I am going for major surgery next week and will not be around for a little while. For privacy’s sake I won’t be posting too much here about it but will hopefully be back to offer my support to everyone here soon. This community and the support we offer each other is so important. From the early traumatic days to the day to day journey that unfolds. Please know that this can be beaten and a good life is possible. Take care my recovery friends.

Laura

Good morning GT friends! Its been 5 days since my surgeries and things are coming along slowly. I am to do very little for the next 6 weeks to interfere with healing of bone grafts. Then another 9 months of being careful. I won’t know if this part of the surgery is a success for a few months, once a couple of sets of progress xrays have been taken. Having the massive cyst removed has been a relief and I’m glad it is no longer threatening to damage my spinal cord. Much like addictions recovery my motto is one day at a time. I try and be a good a patient and am thankful to have family taking care of me. I’ve been sleeping a lot so haven’t caught much sunshine but when I can it’s beautiful. I have my odd poor pitiful me moment but I know I really have nothing to complain about. I am going to try and catch up a little here but please be patient with me as I know I have missed a lot. IDI, I am imagining a great big boquet from all of you here with so many of my favourite flowers and colours. Thank you all for thinking of me.

Laura

very tired and settling in at home. Keep doing well and being here my friends

and you are doing it for you which is what really makes it stick. We can’t be perfect and should never place those expectations on ourselves. Progress baby! And that has just been amazing. Keep it up. xo

I’ve been a bit of a technology hermit this past week and some. Takes a lot out of me. xo thinking of my recovery buddies.

Good morning recovery friends
thanks for all the well wishes. It seem I am constantly tired. So by the time I take care of meds and meals (and I don’t mean cook, just actually eat) i don’t have much more energy for anything else. I can hit the like button on my facebook or play a game of scrabble on my phone. I’ll blame it on the pain meds that I’m feeling so dozey. I sleep a lot. And when not sleeping I’m dozing lol. And trying to walk a little but snow is keeping me in. I’m being devoted to healing. No thoughts of “when I get better I’m going on a bender or celebrating” As if!
I think I’ll book a trip before I spend a nickle on a slot.

Sitting is the worst for me so I really have to limit it. I’ve been up 4 hours and am ready for a nap. Thanks for your notes and understanding that I just can’t be here right now. Take care all!
Laura

Sad to see no group on this evening. I’ll get a little reading in and catch up with other’s journeys. I’m feeling a little better today, a little more energy. Still a lot of back pain but that is about par for the course. I am not going to let this get me down. No gambling today!

This is something I can absolutely do. Agree to disagree. And it’s not so much disagree, I think I just wanted to make sure you were checking from all angles. We can sometimes get stuck into only our own view point. You’re a smart woman and if you’ve made this decision than I support you in it.

I slept right through group. Now it’s near bed time and I’m looking for supper. TV time with hubby. have a good night

Hanging in there. Feeling a bit blue. But I guess that is to be expected when you are in that stage of healing where you aren’t well enough to do anything but not sick enough to just stay comatose and heal. I made it out for my five minute walk. It nearly takes me that long to get ready!

I was feeling guilty and upset that I hurt a friend(s) here with an insensitive post. I will own it. Thankfully she accepts that i didn’t mean any harm but I worry that I may have made it more difficult to trust. xo thankyou for your forgiveness.

So I’m off to read and do some “light” posting. Until I’m narcotic free i don’t trust my brain to translate feelings into words.

On the gambling front I cant say a flashing advert on my tablet or phone hasn’t raised my little gambling devil’s head in interest. I picture the little bastard sitting on my shoulder. Asleep at the moment. I will not start illegal online gambling. That would be crazy now wouldn’t it? Little devil opens one eye at the thought. Go back to sleep you little menace!

Have a gamble free day,
Laura

Hi Monica, yes it was you ?? and thanks for accepting apology. And thanks for your post IDI, rather wandering update just ahead.

In my case I think when I was first in recovery, and I mean back when It was crashing down, my house of cards of debt and lies, I was very sensitive to every word said. It was like I was this wounded little creature who was on display and didn’t want anyone to say anything judgemental in the least. But that doesn’t mean some of what is being said isn’t wrong or coming from the wrong place. And that a person shouldn’t stand up for themselves.

I’m fairly medicated today so don’t want to ramble all over the place! I’ve had lots of visitors lately, my caretaking has tired of care taking as much so I was doing a bit to much “tidying”. So overdid it and have pulled something. This is going to be long recovery. Months. So I’m glad to see hubby has gotten second wind! House is tidy, stew on for supper, and he’s out working on a project in the shop.

Wanted to drop in and say I haven’t dropped of the planet, I’m just hanging in there, sleeping lots and by the time I do the exercises and have the odd visitor I’m done in for the day. Haven’t had one for a couple days so I have some time to post!

I am grateful for each day. It is another day to fight to get better. Connect with nature as much as you can in your recovery. It is so good for our mental health to see the world more as it was intended. Before man stamped our sometimes I would say ugliness all over it.

Each day we spend working on our recovery is progress whether we see it or not. Because you never know what is going to do it for you, what phrase, what thought, what person, what path will take you out of the darkness of this addiction.

I was talking to a dear friend who is still wresting with the demon today. I was so proud of some new shoes I’d just had arrived in the mail. I’m trying hard not to replace gambling with shopping. And recognizing what is a good purchase. These were two very sensible good purchases. They will help my back and posture a lot more than a slot machine stool. I need to take care of me! I did my duty and raised my family. Now I need to get healthy for my next phase of life.

Nap time

Thank-you everyone for your posts. It’s keeping me connected to the site.

I hate when that happens IDI! Lost post. It’s always the larger ones. I was trying to pop into group but it won’t let me in. Not sure if everyone is having problems or it is just me.

I had another busy week. First physiotherapy session, docotor’s appointment, more exercises and a short walk every day. Some days when it is cold it takes me longer to get ready then the walk.

I’m starting to car shop which is exciting. My car is 15 years old and now passed on to my son. All those years of not gambling helped rebuild my destroyed credit rating. Not perfect but I can look for what will be my vehicle for the next 7 or 8 years. Not new, but almost. In order to do the financing I need to get some more dreaded paperwork finished. I worked on tidying up my office today. I have it all ready now to get down to business.

I was thinking today what will stop me from gambling when I’m driving again. The people here instant came to mind. Will I come back and say I couldn’t stop myself from walking into an establishment? I can. I haven’t had a bet in so long that I should be able to control myself and not start the cycle again. I will continue to tell my husband about all my financial purchases so that he will know where the money is going. Over time things have gotten better.

Thank god I have my job. You have made me even more grateful for that Monica. Someone always wants what we have. Be grateful for those things if you can. Be grateful for your kids and that they are healthy. There is always something to be grateful for.

Take care everyone!
Laura

Hi IDI,

I tried signing in and out of my GT account several times and it still wouldn’t allow me access to the group.  I’m going to try again this morning for me/afternoon for the UK group.  I believe it is 2pm London time that the group is on. 

If I can’t get in still I will contact GT.  But is the weekend so don’t know if it will be fixed.  Also, my thread is all strange when I’m typing a reply to you.  Part of my text box is covered in purple and the typing starts to dissapear behind it and then you cant see what you are typing.

Hopefully the bugs are worked out soon.  Change of any kind always seems painful to me.  Something I’ve had to work on!

Enjoy the weekend!  Laura

Hi all, tired tonight so heading for an early night in bed. Won’t be in group. ***** your blessings and you are right Micky, health is a big one. I’ve struggled with mine for two decades now. Way of life unfortunately. Allie’s mom, I find that GT plants the seeds that will sprout recovery if you tend it. It can give the sounding board we need, the little nuggets of advice and support. Glad you came back. It means you aren’t out there. Have a good night all.
Laura

Thanks for your posts Monica, Ididit, Liz. I’ve been extremely busy since last posting. Taking care of medical, and finance paperwork. Beginning the tedious process of picking out a vehicle and researching for defects and lemons! Almost as big a commitment as a house. Had an night out with a bunch of lovely ladies. They’ve decided more to come. I can’t wait to start doing things. I’m recovering today. Just sitting for 5 hours without a lot of moving was a challenge. But i’m ready to do it. So I’m sorry i’m being neglectful but life responsibilities takes time. I was coming for group but with the time change I’m off an hour!
Laura

Hi Monica, thanks for checking in on me. First day I’ve been on the site in at least a week. The car shopping has been going well and is keeping me busy. After another full day of test drives I have finally just picked one out and am now holding my breath that my credit is finally good enough.

I had all my family over on Sunday for snacks and coffee. It is good to be cultivating real relationships with the people I love. And my husband is being more helpful and participated in getting ready for company. Not something he used to do.

My time has been filled to the fullest but that is ok. I’m still healing. So hopping in and out of vehicles or sitting with sales people can tak a bit of a toll. But slowly I feel the improvements as the actually surgery is healed from.

What can I say, not gambling has made things better. My goal is to keep it that way! I have a car to pay for not an addiction that needs feeding.

I hope everyone is doing well and I’m sorry for not being here, but i agree with what was pointed out. I have to look after myself. Hoping things soon settle though so instead of scrolling through car sales ads I could be supporting my GT friends. You have to take care of yourselves as well. xo
Laura

Thank you Sara for your post! I have been meaning to stop by your thread to say hi, but welcome to the forum. I’m really glad that you were there for Daniel. We can be in a pretty bad place when we first come here. I was suicidal in 2009. But this place helped me immensely by pointing me in the right direction. My recovery hasn’t been perfect but I’ve done well for major periods of time. I’m here to keep trying to do what it takes.

To everyone new and old, reach out and support one another if you can. You never know when you could make a difference.

Night all.
Laura

thanks for your post IDI. For me I had lots of thoughts of suicide. Especially once I had indebted us so much we would lose our house. I kept thinking of having a driving “accident”. I had a lot of life insurance. Sad. It can drive you to prison, insanity or even death. Most times now I am a happy person who deals with being over empathetic. It’s like I feel for everyone in every situation. I love driving my new car. Big sunroof, fancy gadgets and things.
So I’m a little dissapointed. Where has the 10pm London time group gone? Only 5 nights a week now? It’s the one hour that we all have before it’s obscenely late for working people in Europe and not in the middle of the day in North America. I’m starting to be awake and able to sit in front of my PC typing more. Today I was able to drive my car and do errands myself. Wiped me out! I don’t think I’ll be making it to the next group. Take care everyone. Be vigilant!
Laura

Funny IDI, I’ve been trying to learn to relax and just let the cruise control take over. Not as taxing on the body. And I’m learning how to make my gas go further as well. Sounds like maybe a good plan for me going forward in life as well.

Thanks for your posts ladies! I do have to remain aware of my situation as part of my recovery. I cannot self ban from every casino and slot machine where I live. They are everywhere! So i must forever keep myself aware of where this will take me if I forget.

Oh, someone in group ?? Take care all!

Thanks IDI for your post. You are always there to encourage! I have been super busy. Finally got last years taxes finished, only a year late nearly. Had a sleepover night with a group of women friends that have included me through a mutual friend. It was lovely. Then I slept nearly the whole next day. Exhausted. But it was so much fun it was worth it. I keep tackling projects. My goal is to get this years taxes filed on time. When you have disabilities and insurance there is always paperwork to be filed. Receipts for prescriptions and rehab specialists etc. Anyway, that enough of my moaning. I try and be grateful for the mundane things as this means life is no longer chaotic. And I am no longer in denial about what needs taking care of. I’m in the process of updating a budget to include my new car expenses and an Emergency fund as was suggested. I want to spend a little money on freshening up my outdoor space this spring as well. I need to learn how to save a little ahead. I tend to use credit cards too often. But no gambling! I’ll have to go back and check my time line for my date. It’s in May or June I cant really remember! Wish I could ban from one little place. But no such thing unfortunately here.

Laura

If memory serves me correctly, I became a member here in 2007 under a different name. 11 years ago. I went through 2 years of knowing I had a problem but seeming to be unable to do anything to stop for any amount of time. As I just read here. 100 day 1’s. My world crashed in October 2009. My financial house of cards came crashing down as it usually does for a CG. Oct 29/09 my date one. It lasted over 5 years if that is a consolation to anyone reading this. Then about two years or so of on and off dabbling and gambling. Eroding a lot of the pride I had restored in myself ?? But, here I am almost a year later. No gambling. And I need to remember to keep it that way. I will never gamble sensibly again. I can’t walk away without extreme difficult or intervention. I would break up my marriage being in the wrong. I have rebuilt too much of my life to risk it again. I feel as though I’m trying to convince myself. I’ve had little thoughts of a hole in the wall i discovered where I would unlikely be discovered by anyone I know. Perhaps a workmate, but only another CG would go there. But I don’t really have desire which is a gift at the moment. I’m not scheduled to go anywhere near there for a while. This truly never seems to let a person go. Monster!

Thanks Sara.

I only want to look forward. I’m preparing a new budget to account for my new car purchase and insurance. I also shopped around and got a better deal on internet phone etc. I’m going to try and work in a savings account for emergencies and when i need to buy something. I always borrow. I want to travel. I will likely have to retire earlier due to disability. I want to have a life after retirement. These seem like mundane details but they matter. Because I’m not gambling and I want to make that c*ount!

time to rest. Lots of posting for one day. Night all

Life has been good of late in some ways and not so good in other ways. I have booked a short trip to visit a beloved cousin next month. She’s as close to a sister as possible. She is having serious surgery. And will be waiting for biopsy results or have just gotten results. So once she is over the worst of her recovery from the surgery I will visit. We can sit in the late spring sunshine and have coffee. Go for short walks. Visit her daughter and grandson. Paid for it with credit card points and a small fee. I’m driving more and really enjoying having a new car. The bills are paid. My sons are doing relatively well and are happy. My back is better than it’s been in a good while. Hopefully still to improve. I’ve been having a little fun with friends. Life should be good.

But the big But. My husband and I are not getting on at all. And a lot of it is my fault. So many things about him annoy me and I can’t stop pointing them out! I’m trying to tell myself he has his own ways and I have mine but not working all the time. I’m hoping it works itself out and is just a phase. But sometimes i wonder if my internal self is telling me something.

Going out to have some beers tonight and listen to music with friends. Life is too important to waste if I can help it. No gambling. thanks for the encouragement ladies.

Laura

Ahhh thanks for the post Maverick, so lovely to hear from you. I just posted to you as well and it was good to see you had some good news about your wife’s improvement, Thank god! Yeah sometimes I think bull when I hear that as well. We have been together nearly 30 years, since my late teens. In a lot of ways I’m very easy going and he is a very neanderthal type personality lol. Doesn’t seem to know how to pick up after himself no matter what he has touched and drives me literally around the bend. I keep reminding myself there are worse things but when when you have pain and limitations each thing I pick up can be painfully annoying! But anyway, life goes on! Things can always be worse! Thanks as well IDI. Not sure if we could agree on where to go for date night. But we went shopping together today and managed not to kill each other lol.

So life is pretty good not gambling. I picked up a few Dahlia’s for the front flower bed. I’m going to hire a young man to come do a little work on the lawn and flowers. I can afford it. Imagine. Not giving it to the establishment. Keep trying and working on recovery everyone. It is worth it. To keep my money for things that I love and enjoy. Research and development sure did their job when they designed the slots that sucked me in. Not today.
Laura

Hey I did it, it’s so true. I couldn’t have imagined it in my gambling days to be honest. Where I played there wasn’t a chance to win dream inspiring wins. And I never held on to the mediocre ones. I’d make a show to my partner about buying something with my “winnings” and then I’d continue to dig a big hole to continue playing. I had an old old car that I was trying to get another year out of when I was in a car accident. I replaced it with another pretty old car, all I could borrow the money for. Life is good, i can’t complain. I have drawn a line in the sand. I WILL NOT GAMBLE. I was out last night with work mates one of whom is a great friend. I will live this life to the fullest. Laura

Life is a bit hectic but good. Health is improving a little at a time. I have to be realistic in my expectations but I am so grateful to be able to live any semblance of a normal life. No 10pm group last night or tonight. I was hoping to connect to “the girls”. Now, as I have a very sore neck i think I will retire shortly for the evening with some Netflix and heat rub. I already ate my chocolate! Life is better without the chaos of gambling. I defintely know I have a gambling problem. It`s like night and day when I am vs not. Keep going. I say that to myself and anyone reading. Keep trying!

What a great post to read this morning IDI. Right now that is how I feel. Everyday feels like a win. Life is good right now and I am one that sure as heck knows it doesn’t always go that way. There are some really tough times in life. In the last few years i was able to pay quite a bit against my home. This has opened up some new opportunities for me but as long as I don’t gamble it will always provide a security cushion. Something to fall back on in hard times if and when needed. We have all learned a lot of lessons here together.

I am hoping to catch the open group that starts at 2 London time. I used to always chat Saturday as i’d do it while having my morning coffee. Only 10am here.

Off to do some reading. Recovery must always be top of mind.

Laura

Hey all,

1am. I’m tired and heading to bed. Gamble free for another day. Right now it seems like the last thing I would do. Man I’d like to keep it that way.

Night all

in chat now!

Thanks for the chat Monica. It was good. Got me thinking I wanted to try and put to words some of my thoughts. Thanks for the insight.

So, ya know, I can’t get back what I lost. That is gone forever. Money, the retirement fund, family vacations. The time I missed with my children. Both when I was gambling and when I was in a bad mood because the bills weren’t paid and the bill money was in the slot machines. Somehow I had always been chasing something to make me happy. Or maybe to forget my unhappiness. What I didn’t realize before was that everything that is important was there before my eyes. My very very caring parents. Not perfect but there for me in my adult years. A sister who spent loads of time with me and was a built in best friend. A good job that earned a decent living where I was respected and treated as an equal others. Two beautiful sons any mother would have been proud of. All things that were treasures and gifts to really be appreciated and just to name a few.

Today I am in recovery. It doesn’t really matter how long but that I truly am. And the best thing is that I appreciate everything I have and everything that I receive so much more. It’s like blinders have been lifted from my eyes and I see the gifts in everything.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t get, mad, upset or sad sometimes. I do. But I try and face each day thankful that I’m not gambling. And that I have this second chance at really enjoying this life.

I am feeling blessed in recovery.

Laura

Thanks Monica, I always appreciate your way with words. I was lucky enough to hook up with IDI today as well. It’s good to be affirming things with others who are on a recovery path also.

So I worked hard at getting some items off my to do list. I’m leaving home Monday so time is getting short to get my tasks dealt with. Once I get to my destination I intend on spending most of my time taking care of me and visiting with friends and family.

Life is short. I’m a recovering gambling addict and am recovering my health. I’m jumping both feet! Look out life, here I come.

Laura

Well after a week away, without a care in the world I am home. Just recovering from the flight.

I am in the 10pm chat London time

Hey IDI, sorry I missed you! I have every intention of being on at 10pm your time if you are around.

Heading outside to spend the day in the sunshine. Refill the bird feeders, maybe do a little very gentle gardening. Easy does it! Today I’m grateful I don’t have a gambling hangover. No looking in my bank account to see it empty and a series of withdrawals that added up to an amount I would have been happy to “win”. I have a huge problem with gambling. Once started I can’t stop. It is true that we are only powerless after we place our first or next bet. Right now I have the power to remain stopped. I must remember that this time! Laura

Ha! so June 25th it is! In honesty I lost track of my last day gambled so had to go back over my thread. I thought I was a year clean. Turns out it is 11 months. The good news is that I am gamble free today. Reading back over my thread was very insightful. The good advice from others is still there. So I’ve been procrastinating enough over the past couple days. Something that is a theme through out my thread lol. Time to get moving. Take care,
Laura

Thanks so much Jappy for your very kind post. I’m truly thrilled to help in any little way. You have been hanging in there day in and day out. Every little change, and self improvement add up over time. Thankfully!

So Life is good! Not perfect but good. I still have a to do list as long as my arm. But I did make a complete one. Some things are important and need to be done today or tomorrow at the latest. Doctor appointment today. The weather has finally turned hot. I have some help lined up for yard work this evening so won’t likely make the 10 pm London chat group tonight. Have a gamble free day.
Laura

feeling a little ill today and last night. I hate wasting time being sick. It’s like no matter how hard I try to catch up something always drags me down. Tired of losing time! I can only hope tomorrow is a better day. I have a couple tasks to complete today regardless. And then it will be a Netflix kinda afternoon and evening. I have to remember that this too shall pass! And tomorrow or the next day will be a better day.

I’ve been watching a comedy, Grace and Frankie. Good for a laugh! And another original series that is I’d say kind of a sci fi thriller mystery called Sense 8. Depends on my mood which I watch.

Just a stomach bug that kept me up all night and running. Still draggy. But I know I’ll survive.

Popped into the 10pm group but quiet so far.

Early to bed tonight. Take care ladies!

Hope everyone is having a gamble free weekend.
Laura

Can’t believe it’s Sunday evening already. I was busy today, did a big grocery shop with my sister and ran a few other errands. Now I’m beat. No one in chat yet so I think I’ll go relax and watch a bit of tv. Maybe a snooze. Have a good week. No gambling today.
Laura

I was coming to post and complain that I haven’t accomplished much this weekend and that I am so tired and lazy. But then I realized I did get the shopping done! But I have a pile of dishes and lots of laundry. Lots of important paperwork that is coming due. I have no motivation though. I guess I will just have to force it! One of those days you just get through I guess! Laura

Losing a loved one is a hard thing to do. Thankfully I was not gambling. I was not in another world where my life revolved around wins and losses and debt and lies and deceit. I missed out on being there for friends and family during important times before because every cent, ever effort, every fiber of my being was invested in my addiction.

All of my positive steps of the last year have added up and added to the 5 and a half year abstinence I had previously. I was able to travel and be with my family during this difficult time. To offer support and receive. My connections with my loved ones are more satisfying than any win.

Today I will be gamble free. Glad to be back on the forum and will be catching up. Take care friends! I’ll try and be at the 10pm London time group. Hope you are doing well.

Laura

Your welcome IDI.  And thank you for your support this past year.  anytime you need some extra support.  We can make a date.  Hope all is ok.  Laura

I’m sure that the advice there is to be had on this site will be helpful. It has helped me many times over.  Working on your recovery is much better than the altermative. If the kernals or seeds of recovery are planted and tended they will grow and blossom!  May sound a bit corny but I feel it is true.  It took me a while to get it but I finally did.  All the best Nick.

thanks so much IDI! I have been worried for you. I didn’t fear that you would gamble. I was worried about the storm of emotions and troubles we sometimes face in recovery and in every day life. So I am very glad to read your post. Sorry I had to run so quick last night as I was taxi driver! And Monica, sorry I rushed off on you the day before. Mom was coming for a visit. I have been so tired of late and not keeping my regular chat schedule. Seems i’m always running behind with things. And now I just managed to hurt my back by not using proper posture to open a window. Thankfully I was joined in chat this evening and my mood was lifted. It is a freezing cold damp day today. My warm bed is calling my name. I may be back up later to post but for now I am calling it an evening.
Laura

Thanks Monica, such a lovely sentiment. I was truly given hope by others that came before me that I could stop gambling. That the financial mess would eventually be dealt with. That a meaningful life more in touch and in tune with my own self and my own values was possible. So many names that I don’t see here any more. But their message got through. Way down in the depth of darkness and despair they got through to me. All wasn’t lost. There was hope. Things can and do get better. A new life can be built. I appreciate so much of my life today. So if I manage to share a tiny little bit of the hope they passed on to me I’m so glad I’ve been able to. Today I am so grateful for my return to abstinence and recovery. If I look back I’d say near a year. The date isn’t important right now. Today was a good day regardless. Unless something crops up I plan on attending the group that starts in twenty minutes. Take care everyone. Laura

Did lots of posting the last few days. No one should feel alone with this addiction. Had a good chat. Got out and planted my flowers finally. Wore out. But a good wore out. Going for a hot epsom salt bath with I really don’t want on a hot evening. But will help after having a therapeutic massage today. Then hopefully a good night sleep. I have one more large bit of paperwork hanging over me. I’ve decided tomorrow is the day to get to work. Then I wan’t to live more of an everyday life instead of always being behind the 8 ball with deadlines that are way past due. Oh and I checked back over the thread and I’m back to one year of clean time as of a couple days ago. And it was a day like any other! A gamble free chaos free day. Laura

Thank you both! I was going to do the 11pm group but I was up early today and am done in I think. Did get a really good start on that paperwork. Canada Day here on Sunday and the weather is going to be hot for the weekend. Going to do a little celebrating! Did another chat group! Time for a rest.

hanging out in chat by myself! Looks like I owe myself a post. Right now life is pretty good. Still healing and recovering but much better. Been fighting with some anxious thoughts but nothing to do with gambling. I’ve always struggled off and on with a bit of anxiety and depression. But for the most part it’s controlled and I’m thankful it’s not more serious. Finances need some attention as we’ve been spending more than making for a while now. Need to rein that in! Still a bunch of niggling tasks to get off my to do list. Some of them are important and relate to money. I’ve been making an effort to keep connecting to loved ones. If I can’t do it in person I face time with them. Just trying to remember what is important and meaningful to me. Recovery to me means being present in my own life. ODAAT!

Laura

Nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends in recovery succeeding at life. Life is good!

Thanks so much Jappy and IDI for the posts. I always love getting “mail”.

Haven’t been around as much the past few days. Got a few more things off my to do list and one was a biggie. Now fingers crossed life will cut me a break or two and I may actually completely catch up in the next month or two. My back is acting up but always does if I do physical work or sit for too long doing paperwork. I’m thinking of brewing a nice cup of coffee and going to sit on my deck and read for a little while. Something to make me forget the humdrum of my current life lol. Ok, couple more posts. I apologize to those I don’t get to today. It is good to see lots of different people posting. This community needs each other to make it work. Keep passing it on. Laura

It’s thanks to you I see every casino owner as a greedy fat Cat wanting my money no matter if it would cost my soul. In my case the fat cat is the government so no fear that they will outlaw gambling. They run all the casinos and all the slot machines scattered all over town. You can hardly avoid it now. But with a plan you did. With a plan and barriers and safety lines we can snub the fat cat and his seedy casino!

Try not to think of the money. We paid to play. And if we keep playing we may think we are winning for a short while but it will never last. The benefits of meeting someone for a walk is the much smarter choice. Glad you could call a friend. Please drop a line any time you are home alone. I try and get on daily if not more often. We’ve missed you xo

Hanging out in the UK afternoon chat but only for a few minutes.. Going to see my mom and sister this morning (only morning here)! And an afternoon enjoying the weather is planned. I would love to do lots of posting but need to spend more time moving! Back is sore a lot lately. A little discouraging but hopefully getting off my duff will help. Keep the faith people. You can do this. Laura

Your post made me laugh K. I know all about whinging boys (grown ones) not having something for dinner ?? A movie sounds great. It’s supper out for me tomorrow at a posh new place. I’ll have to dress up for a change! Extra vacation! A raise! What is not to like about all of that ?? Hope it helps towards your next adventures. It’s great to have “normal” things in our life to be excited about and it not all have to do with gambling. Imagine, ten years ago you might have “celebrated” with a binge. So glad you have put that behind you and you are looking forward.

Well everyone, I’m nodding off reading posts and it’s only mid afternoon. I think that means a nap is required lol. Hang tough. Good things come to those who are brave enough to grab onto recovery with both hands. Laura

Funny, I missed your post Kathryn as I guess Monica is right, I haven’t been round to post on my own thread for a few days. I was out to gaze at Mars last night which looked like an extremely bright star. Brightest in 15 years or so. Not a red moon but a red star lol Blessed that we are looking at moons and planets and not slot machines. Enjoy your little miracles. Monica I too feel for everyone in every situation. I am not sure if I feel their emotions or if I am feeling as I would feel in that situation. Either way it makes for a lot of emotions and I try to damp it down some as I don’t feel it does me a lot of good. It is exhausting over all. But I know i will never totally change that. I had one of those brief situations where I had opportunity to gamble. I thought of my hard won honesty and also how I would feel coming back here to be accountable. I kept on driving. Made it home on time without having to lie as to why I was late. Been enjoying vacation weather and time off work. Gambling would be adding so much stress to my life right now that I do not need. Glad to be gamble free. Laura

Hugggssss Vera thanks for your post. How are you holding up?

I’ve had a couple of busy days! Took a break from the heat and sunshine to organize and clean in the air conditioning. Got a lot done but I’m a little stressed. I have family coming for a visit and other than the main part of the house there is still a lot to be done. Some of the to do’s are outdoor’s but it’s been too hot. I wish my partner saw more merit in keeping things up and looking nice. It makes me feel like I can’t keep up and a bit ashamed. But I have to remind myself I can only do what I can do. That’s probably where one of my desires to have money comes from. Would be nice to just hire people to take care of everything! But I never walked out with a big win. I never had money to put into anything. I always was taking everything out of my regular money and leaving myself in a mess. So back to reality!

I’ll be busy again today. Please take care everyone.

Survived the company! Had a great time! Lots of time seaside. Great tan. Exhausted though! Need another good night of sleep to catch up. Thanks for the posts. I was also happy to see familiar names posting on the forum. Sorry I missed group tonight. lf I get second wind i will do some reading, posting and catch a later group as well maybe. Life is busy and full. Received letter in the mail. My taxes are being audited. Received letter in the mail, my drug coverage provider wants me to confirm I received said drugs. I swear, the universe is just making up more paperwork to send me because I was dwelling on what I already had to do! One step forward two steps back sometimes. Thinking of you all and hoping everyone is doing ok. Laura

Sorry Monica, I haven’t been in chat since my last post. Seems I’ve lost several more days. I’ve just been completely exhausted and more family visiting. One of my absolute favorite aunts who hasn’t been here for a visit in 8 years. So another round of family visits and lunches and suppers! I’m thinking of bringing up my exhaustion to my doc as it is much deeper than usual and I can’t seem to shake it. Apologies to the GT gang. Once again I hope you are all doing ok. No gambling here! I had a very brief opportunity to gamble again and made the right decision. Accountability to my GT friends is a barrier for me. It makes me think. It makes me play the tape to the end. Thanks friends! Laura

Well darn IDI, I had to finish up something so checked out of group for ten minutes. I left a message in the group forum but I’m sure you didn’ see it ?? I think I checked back in one minute literally after you left. Caught up with Kathryn though so that was a nice surpise. I’m staying til group closes in 15 more minutes.

just signed into group.

slept late. making a coffee. in group in five minutes. sorry i missed you Vera!

Thanks IDI! I’m constantly chasing my tail these days. I’m still very tired but working on it with supplements. I’ve had one of those weeks full of medical dealings, paperwork and on top of it all I had a bad fall earlier in the week. I’m hoping I haven’t done any permanent damage. I have a lot to get accomplished this weekend. I don’t want to go into details but a lot of time sensitive things that will really affect my life if I don’t get them dealt with. My morning coffee is really hitting the spot. Makes me thing of my dear GT friend P. Miss her bursts of posts. Now to wake up a little. I’m writing this as I sip on my first coffee. Sorry I missed you in chat Vera. I’m hanging round til it’s over. Laura

Thanks to all the ladies posting to me of late. Summer is a busy time IDI so it’s good you are busy doing summer things like visitors. Kathryn, I’m not quite ready to share the warmth with you yet. A little more summer please! And Alice, your post is a breath of fresh air! It’s been lovely catching up.

I had a few minutes this afternoon but now back to work! I’m slogging through my heavy todo list! Pray for me!
Laura

Today will be a day spent doing more mundane tasks. I keep plugging through hoping for the day where life is simpler or easier but not sure if it will come. Feeling a little debbie downer today. Going to push through. I have days to be grateful for. This too shall pass.
Laura

Thanks Alice! I try as much as possible to follow instructions like those. Because just wishing something was a different way doesn’t make it so. So I try and do the best I can. Get the most out of each day I can. I try not compare to what others can do. And look for the little joys in each day. Wishing others well. Laura

Seems to be more posting on the forum these days. I’ll consider that a good thing as that means people are supporting each other. I’ll be on chat in five minutes. 10pm London time. Laura  OOPS forgot it’s not on till 11PM London time on  Thursday. There is another group on right now!

I’m in group now. Got caught up reading and didn’t notice it had started!

Had a very busy long weekend. Worked on medical paperwork for insurance company. Went out with friends last night for sunset sail on a boat they had chartered. Was a great evening. Had a little too much to drink and stayed up really late but so enjoyed myself. I slept in until 11am for the second day in a row. Then I spent the afternoon with my mother and sisters eating and having a catch up. I will be in bed early tonight. But it is for a good reason. Life is short!

I will try and remember to check on removing the number IDI. I hope last night wasn’t too tough on you ?? Laura

So good to read IDI, I’m glad you are over the binge. You’ve got dreams to live!

I’ve been crazy busy. My son’s car has broke down again for the last time I’m afraid as it is not fixable. So we’ve been scrambling to help him find a car. Daunting task when you need something trust worthy on a budget for a long commute each day. As he just finished college he can’t take on too much. And he needs it in a hurry. Got about half my paperwork sorted. I wouldn’t know what being a healthy person is like or what id do with my free time. Going to be a busy week ahead. Touching base in between. Now I’m going to rest my aching back! Hope you are all doing well.
Laura

Hi everyone, thanks for checking in on me! Paperwork almost all completed. A couple more important tasks to complete and then it’s just putting it all back where it came from! Found a car, had to increase our budget but he should have a reliable drive for many year to come. My old dog and best friend had a rough spell and we had to put her down this week as well. And even though I made it out to a few social events this weekend I find myself quite sad and down in the dumps. I’m hoping to catch the 10pm London time chat tonight. Time to get back into a routine! Take care everyone, Laura

thanks IDI. I’m finding myself quite teary today. I’m really missing her. We were together for a very long time. She was always there. I got some of that paperwork packed away. I’m hanging out in group but will leave a few minutes early. I’m going for a walk for the first time without my companion. Meeting my sister. I need the company tonight. Hope to catch up soon. Laura

thanks so much Monica. I am missing her a lot. And yes my mood is affected. All sad and sorry. I am also playing catch up from the past year and a half of disability. I have almost got all my paper work done, ugh there is so much. I was nearly finished of one electronic form and it didn’t save my work. Sigh, so I had to start again after wasting a whole day at it. The only reason I have to file the thing is because I was late filing something else! Vicious cycle. Housework is a constant chore and I find I’d rather sleep and binge watch shows. I made it to the hairdresser but still need to do my own colour and I have a wedding tomorrow. Not to mention the whole what to wear thing. I think I’m rather depressed! But this too shall pass. I plan on being in group in a few minutes as long as my sister doesn’t pop in early, I’m expecting her. I hope everyone is hanging in there. I will try and check in with as many as I can. Have a good weekend. xo Laura

Thanks all for your supportive posts. I had read them all at the time. Gives me a boost.

I’ve been sooooo busy and then down and out for a couple of days. Physically ! Lot’s of rest later I’m feeling a bit better.

Got my basement half cleared. Loads of stuff gotten rid of. I will soon have a completely clutter free home. And hopefully a clutter free mind! Take care everyone. I won’t be on this evening either. Have to visit a friend.

Hope you all managing. Catch up when I can. Laura

I would love to check out from all the stress i’m currently under. Life has kept piling on but I will not give in or give up! Hoping to connect in chat this weekend sometime. Onward and upward! Laura

thank you so much for your post Kin. I’m still here. Still stressed but found part of the reason why it has seemed so much worse lately. Yes there are more reasons to be stressed but I also made a calculation mistake when cutting back on some medication and that is leading to a lot of me extreme emotions and how I am feeling. So hoping things will improve now that I have identified and can correct. I’m in group chatting at the moment if anyone is free. xo

Thanks so much for your posts. I hear you Kin and your point of view. So many ways to look at things. I Just found when I was too strict with too many things I would have a blow out. Like trying to hold everything in until the pressure gets too much. But we are each dealing with our own personalities, addictions, situations etc. What is for one is not necessarily for all!

IDI I think my clutter got so out of control because of physical health problems and my addiction. As well as lack of support around the house. Then add some reno’s to the mix without things being properly moved or sorted and my basement level became instant chaos or so it seemed. I have a lady coming today to help me do some more sorting clearing and cleaning.

Work is going ok. Spinal cord damage and sitting too long is resulting in wicked muscle cramps in my legs. Will be medicated today. I may make the 11pm London time group tonight but forgive me if I’m sleeping!

I was thinking a little earlier that it would have been 9 years gamble free the end of the month if I wouldn’t have gone slightly off the rails for a while. Thank heavens for barriers as it kept the financial damage to a minimum. In that time I’ve managed to improve my credit. That new car I always wanted, I have it. On payments but I can make them. A cleaning lady, I have one. Travel? Well as much as I could I have. All the things we are trying to win would be just as likely if we stopped gambling and invested all that time into ourselves.

Keep your eye on the real prize. A gamble free, satisfying and productive life.

take care,
Laura

Hey Monica, I started a post earlier today. I waited in chat on my own for quite a while and then got distracted. Lost the post along the way.

So, Amazing what difference a few days can make. No way to sugar coat it, I gambled. A couple of times last week after work. Just stupidity. Credit cards have been creeping up and starting to get worried. I didn’t put up much of a fight with the thoughts.

I want to think I have reinforced the lesson that it isn’t worth it. I can never gamble in a controlled manner. I will never “get ahead” gambling. It won’t solve one thing in my life and only create more problems. The damage is minimal so now is the time to remember where this took me before.

Think I’ll sign out of group early and go rest up for work tomorrow. Pray for strength for me. Take care,
Laura

thanks for your prayers and thoughts everyone. Quick note to say i haven’t continued gambling. Crazy busy this week between medical appointments and work. Not sure how I’m going to make it through! No room or time to gamble. No urges either. Not avoiding everyone just no time for posting this week. I’ll try and catch up on the weekend. One day at a time xo

quick note to say i’m in the 2pm london time chat and then I’ll catch up here

thanks Velvet for checking in on me.  It is truly appreciated.  I’m back on the wagon remembering the waste of time it is and the danger it truly poses.  Just surviving day to day at the moment due to lack of planning on my part.  Working on it for next week.  One day at a time.  It can be hard when you fear there isn’t enough time in each day to stay on track with life.  Time to make my schedule for next week.

Laura

Hey IDI,

i think your time changed so I was referencing wrong time? I don’t see a 3pm group or feel that was the one I was in…. May catch you tonight although that will be late for you. Our time changes next weekend. Hope you are well. Laura

thankyou for your post and all the ways you help by sharing your exerience and knowledge.  It’s not an easy path and I’m glad to have friends here who share the journey.  The ups and the downs.  I’m doing ok.  Gambled twice but it’s been over a week and I don’t have urges just random thoughts.  Not sure how  I believed that the possibility of short term pain was a good price to pay for the chance of a large gain. I almost made things worse.  I need to focus my thoughts and your excercise is a good way to help do that.  I need to make my list of tasks to do and start tackling them.  I feel rather untethered sometimes but need to take responsibility.  Hope you are doing well.

Laura

Little energy this evening. Tough week so I deserve to treat myself with kindness. Sorry I can’t seem to support others right now with posts. I’m having a hard time focusing on what I need to get done myself. There is lots! I’ve asked to lower my house payment to try and buy me some breathing room. I need to tackle my credit card balances. I can’t afford to mortgage the house further. I’d run the risk of losing it then. It was only reaching out for help in the first place that kept me from losing it years ago. I refuse to throw it all away again. I need to remember that. Engrave it in my mind. It is all so unbelievable really. What I’m willing to risk! For something that only hurts me. Good to see a few in chat this evening. Got to go.

Hi everyone,

I’m still stopped. Had those two freak sessions. One of which was to chase losses. Not interested. I ended up with a really sore back and down a little. Was nothing earth shattering. Just a reminder that gambling is POINTLESS for me. It has no up side, only a down. Work is tough but I guess I knew it would be. They are getting my GT time. Group now open!

thank you so much Nick for your offer of support. It means a lot. Pain and disability much like gambling can cause isolation. Thanks Kathryn ?? your posts always uplift me. Your excitement for life is infectious. I will try and get caught up with you soon! Keep steady IDI, hope you have a good rest of the week.

I’m gearing up for a work day after having a few days off to try and recover or regroup from the shifts done so far. Tomorrow is a big day with physio and medical appointments. Living the life! Not. But hey, gambling would only make it worse.
Laura

Will be in group in a few minutes. Morning here so just getting on the go. Hope I have company.
Laura

waking up with morning coffee. Hope to do group in a few minutes. My body is not wanting to go along with the plan to feel better! Aching all over. Challenging times. Rehabilitation, threats of income being taken away, delayed payments from my disability insurance. My past gambling sure didn’t help me. I should be sitting on a nest egg, my home paid off, small car loan. So don’t know why I thought gambling would be the answer. It’s been a few weeks or longer. I’d have to check my bank statement. Funny how ashamed it makes me feel to see those withdrawals in a neat little line on my account. But at the time I’m taking it out it is nothing. I need to stay strong. I can’t give up on everything. One day at a time.

Good morning, you are quite welcome IDI, that’s what recovery friends are for.

Always good to get a post K. My last post seemed a bit depressing but I think I was just trying to pound into my head that gambling isn’t going to fix anything, it never did in the past! So why would it now? I had a little slip few weeks maybe even a month ago now. No need to go back to the madness.

I too try to stay positive mostly. Being grumpy doesn’t fix anything! There are difinitely positives from my past experience. As you say, making many friends in recovery, here and in my GA group. I have a lot more empathy for those with addiction having walked a mile in their shoes so to speak. I appreciate family, friends, relationships and time together so much more. I also learned a lot about myself and what my expectations were of life and my partner. So not all bad! Of course I’ve been climbing out of the hole I dug gambling for a long time now. I’d like to think I’m out of it, I just stumble round the edges a bit stupidly!

Easy day for me today I think unless I feel up to pushing myself a bit later. It’s a holiday and i’ve got a lovely cold. Had to cancel plans this weekend. Pray for my health please, I need all the help I can get. Take care everyone,
Laura

made it through another week. Nothing new or exciting to report.

Blew a few hundred on Thursday which nearly made me sick. Good news it was on sensible things like a new pot and pans for baking. Some Christmas shopping as well! And groceries. I felt a little ill at how much I’d spent but then I reminded myself it was on life and not gambling.

Getting over this cold still. It will be a quiet weekend of house chores and getting ready for the work week ahead. I slept in today so feels like half my Saturday is gone. Chat is quiet, no one around this morning. I was late as I’d slept in. Hope to catch a group or two over the weekend. Stay strong everyone. No matter what, it is worse with gambling. ODAAT.
Laura

Wow that weekend blew by. Sunday night and not nearly ready for work tomorrow. Time to throw in a load of laundry and take care of a few things. I worry about the new members not getting enough support. But I can’t post a lot right now. I hope they try the groups or use the support line. ODAAT, life is better without gambling in it. Laura

Thanks for the post IDI! Been a busy week. I will be in chat in five minutes, just grabbing a coffee!

hanging out in chat while I catch up on a few threads

work, continued physical rehabilitation, dealing with daily life stuff like paying bills, shopping etc just sucking up most of my energy and time. I still am on several medications to help with my pain and refuse to take any more. I stay connected with friends and family as much as possible.

That was something I gained in recovery. I had isolated so much when gambling that I had shut almost everyone out of my life. As I focused on my recovery I made an effort to reconnect with those people that I loved and missed.

So I’m sorry I’m not here much now but there truly isn’t much of me left at the end of the day, the end of the week. On the rare occasion I feel up to it I try and do SOMETHING. Friday night I was out to a party where several musicians entertained. It was a wonderful good time!

Today I’m out to celebrate my mother’s birthday with family. But first a chat with Bettie! Anyone who wants to pass on a message let me know.

take care and keep going!
Laura

in chat, waiting for company. I will catch up a little while I do! Haven’t even read posts as I want to give heads up!

Didn’t have to wait at all! Was good to catch up a little with IDI and Henno.

Thanks for your post Monica and checking in on me IDI. It was another exhausting week. But I’m accomplishing more each week so I’ll ***** that as a win. It is all a balancing act.

Christmas shopping is almost finished, my bills are paid for the most part and i’m not stressing too much about money. Ok well maybe a little. But it’s not because I’ve been gambling!

I haven’t been perfect this past nine years but what a difference it has made in my life. I couldn’t imagine where I’d be now if i’d kept going on that same path.

Doing a big grocery shop after lunch with my son. Have to get ready for another work week. Very mundane stuff these days but i’m grateful for a job and the means to take care of myself and my family. I lost so much through gambling and disability that I realize it could be a lot worse if I didn’t have a good job. Blessings! I’ll ***** every one I can find.

That’s my little update for the week. Probably all that a person will be able to manage for a while. Now going to check in on a couple of people before I do the next group. On in less than a half hour.
Laura