[JayKay82]

Here i am again trying to quit for the second time. It feels like i am stuck in a loop. I have so many things going around in my head that i would like to get out, nearly too many to write or speak out loud. Like how did i get here in the first place, i don’t even like gambling, i wish i never started, gambling ruins the things i love and makes me miserable, what if i need to apply for a mortgage, how do i clear my debts, if people find out what will they think, i don’t want to be labelled, i hate labels. It is impossible, not hard, but impossible to explain this to anyone else who is not addicted. So strange how even a winning bet can still make you feel nothing good, horrible horrible addiction, i am loosing my love for sports and it is being replaced with this madness. I feel close to tears when i think how much i have set myself back, not only financially but in life. In any case today is a new day, the end of it. I have to start fresh and move on. My relapse has been short compared to the first period and it is time to truly get over it again. It is so easy to lie to yourself and say “okay, this is it, with all the best will in the world, this is it for me, i am clever, determined and headstrong”. Then poof, its like someone else has taken over the reigns and you are no longer responsible for anything you do, except you carry the can. I like to be a private person, i don’t post on social media and i don’t like confrontation. I do feel better having written this, and i know in the back of my mind that i can do this permanently. the reality is that it must honestly be one of the hardest things to accomplish in life.

[monique]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you?re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you?re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We?re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you?re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practicle Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I?m going to hand you over to our community because I?m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[JayKay82]

Heading to work today. No interest in gambling again. Wondering. If I can block out the anger inside myself for what I have done and get on with my day. I am going to try and be positive, I must make the first few stepseconds alone or in will never again trust myself.

[charles]

Hi Jaykay, well done on looking for help. What things helped when you stopped before? Were you doing it on your own or using support? Read the other stories here, you will see the sort of things that have helped others stop gambling. What barriers can you put in place? Now, while you don’t want to gamble is the time to put up those barriers, then you will be less able to gamble if/when those urges return. Keep posting and let us know the positive steps you are taking.

[JayKay82]

Hi Charles.
Thanks for your message. The last time I stopped I did have help. Partly though because I had been found out and I did go and talk to someone in dependant. This time I am the only one that knows and have decided to get help. I will see where it takes me, initially it has been good and I feel helpful. Now instead of checking scores and assessing betting option I come here and read other people’s posts and think about my own failures and problems. That in itself to me is a change for the good. For me now, I need to control myself for a little bit without help or else I will never trust myself and that is something I can’t live with for the rest of my life.

[JayKay82]

Been visiting this site every day since i joined 2 days ago. Iv read some good stories and some bad. I have all the same thoughts and emotions as everyone here looking for help. Such a crazy addiction, some times i think i am reading fiction and that the tragic events of peoples lives cannot be real, then i pause and think on different levels i am just the same. I read all these stories of relapses thinking, you know what i am stronger, i am able to do this, im different, and yet in the back of my mind at certain stages in the day i think sure what would it hurt just one last time to put another bet on.

Insanity, madness, and im not going to put myself through it again. I read a post today from someone who has been gamble free for nearly 4 years, is enjoying life and does not let it define life. I will get there and there is no room here for a relapse. I would like to post an inspiring last message in a few years (relapse free) and give someone else the same hope and inspiration.

[JayKay82]

So here’s how it worked for me this morning. Quit last Wednesday. Left enough money Inews my account to get myself through the weekend. Lucky I suppose I stopped in time. This morning very busy at work and still have this crazy voice in the back of my head saying. Sure what’s the worst a small bet can do. It’s unbelievable really given I had gambled only 5 days ago to the point that I felt sick, ashamed, hopeless and disgusted with myself. And here I am with these thoughts in my head saying. Ah sure what’s the harm. In reality lots of harm. Two fingers to the voice in my head, today I will not gamble !

[vera]

Hi Jay Kay,
Well done on your G free time.
The early days are the most difficult. The “voice in the back of your head” can’t harm you. Ignore it. When we try to reason with gambling voices they move to the “front of the head” and become thoughts. Thoughts become actions and action is where the gambler falls down.
I hear you when you say you need to prove to yourself that you can take the initial steps alone. The person I find it most difficult to trust, is me! That can be demoralising and make us feel unworthy of recovery. Knowing that we can “do it alone” would be great, if we could be sure it will work. If this is your first relapse I can totally understand your need for privacy and a “second chance”. I spent about ten years giving myself “second chances”. They came at a high price.
Gambling is a progressive disease and it eats away at every aspect of our lives. Some people may be determined enough to overcome the problem alone, but I think it has been proven that having support from fellow travellers helps enormously.
You say you dislike confrontation. Is that only in relation to your gambling or does it pertain to other areas in your life?
Most gamblers I have met , myself included, will say they would do anything to avoid being questioned about their gambling.
Often the “confrontation” (voice) that comes from within is more dangerous than external types.
Keep posting!

[JayKay82]

Thanks Vera,

A little support and feedback on my tread goes a long way and thanks for that.

As per your advice I didn’t turn my thoughts to actions, and I very much doubt I will for the rest of the week or further on for that matter. For now I am not keeping a track of how long I am gamble free, because I want to have the mindset that I will move on with my life now in a gamble free environment and there is no limit on that, that might sound a bit odd but it makes sense in my head …. I a wierd sort of way my relapse has healed me to understand that I can’t control gambling and I shouldn’t be doing. Hard lesson. Well learnt.

I have been quite angry with myself and in time I know that will pass but for now I will take the positive steps and visit the site every day and keep posting.

And again it’s nice to know someone is listening. Thanks again

[JayKay82]

Thanks Vera,

A little support and feedback on my tread goes a long way and thanks for that.

As per your advice I didn’t turn my thoughts to actions, and I very much doubt I will for the rest of the week or further on for that matter. For now I am not keeping a track of how long I am gamble free, because I want to have the mindset that I will move on with my life now in a gamble free environment and there is no limit on that, that might sound a bit odd but it makes sense in my head …. I a wierd sort of way my relapse has healed me to understand that I can’t control gambling and I shouldn’t be doing. Hard lesson. Well learnt.

I have been quite angry with myself and in time I know that will pass but for now I will take the positive steps and visit the site every day and keep posting.

And again it’s nice to know someone is listening. Thanks again

[JayKay82]

I placed a bet yesterday. Not proud of myself. Start fresh again today. I toyed with the idea of lying about it on my thread, but that just keeps me in denial. I had went nearly a full week without gambling and to be honest its not good enough.

So as of today 23 November 2016 i am going to start setting weekly goals for myself to achieve gamble free weeks. The hard part is dealing with the debt on my credit card, it feels like i am continuously paying for my issues and i wont be free until they are gone. The reality is that gambling isnt going to sort it, only make it worse.

I have read stories recently of people with gambling addictions who have sold cars or taken out loans of tens of thousands to fuel the addiction. I feel quite lucky to never have had that mindset.

I feel mostly ashamed of myself for betraying my Fiance, while i have little or no regard for my own well-being, i dont want her to have to carry my burdens. We have been together a long time, i know at this stage if i go back to her for help, initially she will be so angry with me and then she will worry herself stupid. I cant do that to her again. The new plan involves clearing my debts and then maybe i can talk to her. It comes back to me being able to trust myself as much as anything.

[vera]

Hi Jay,
I know the feeling that comes over us when we place a bet after we have sworn that “this is it!”
The second thought that kicks in is “Who will know?”
You have got past these two hurdles, so the next challenge will be “how can I cover my tracks?”
As you say only another CG will relate and give feedback “on the level”.
( This site was great for that when I joined in 2008; people seem less inclined to respond these days)
At the risk of sounding like a rusty gate creaking ( or like Charles), I have to ask you to ask yourself what you could have done to prevent yourself placing that bet?
Yes, I hear you when you say you are a private person, who dislikes labels and confrontations. So am I! So is the “addiction”.
Gambling addiction thrives on secrecy . We call it privacy but if we scratch beneath the surface, we may , in fact find it to be a cover for our secret behaviour. CGs like to have our own “corner”, our own comfort zone, our own “secret stash” and our own way.
We all come from different walks of life and everyone finds their own route to recovery. There are however, common traits among gamblers. Impatience and a tendency to compare with others , to name but two . These traits may serve to hinder our recovery.
My suggestion would be to come clean with your fiancé before she finds out herself . (women have a sixth sense you know!)
IF you had her onside she could have been instrumental in preventing your last “slip”. She will never, of course be responsible for your gambling. That’s up to you and me and every CG here, but let’s say you knew she would be checking your bank account or asking where you spent that time you gave to gambling or was available for a “heart -to-heart” chat about the urge when it hits you. Do you think that would help?
These actually ARE some of the things that will help you quit, Jay, not attempting to re build self trust, privately. Not trying to pay off debt first. Not avoiding the CG label.
Often it is only when a person says out loud in a group “My name is “XYZ—I AM a compulsive gambler”, that the penny drops and we take the next step on the road to recovery, one day at a time.
Well done on coming clean before you spiralled out of control.

[JayKay82]

Hi Vera,

Very kind of you to read and reply to my thread. The truth is that once i placed that bet i wanted to loose straight away so that i could close that account. Which is what happened. In a strange way i am developing more clarity in my thoughts. Just a week ago i was feeling sick to my core with myself and my situation. I have put a few actions in place to tackle my debts and again i am going to be positive.

I do admit i am a compulsive gambler, i do know i can never place that first bet again. I know i cannot do it on my own, i need to confide in my Fiance, i need her to help me.

She does know i have the debt and a serious gambling problem, she just doesn’t know i have re-lapsed. I will tell her i have re-lapsed after xmas, but i wont ruin the next 6 weeks of her xmas because of my mistakes.

As you say, i am the one who is responsible for my addiction not anyone else, but i am trying and willing to get.

Again VERA, most kind of you to reply, thanks.

[JayKay82]

Mondays are always busy. Pressure is on and it helps to take my mind away from thoughts of gambling, which to be fair I haven’t really thought about at all in the last few days.

I think it is when we think we have it sorted and are safe from it that we are at our most vulnerable. I don’t want to be that person that looses everything including self respect. There are too many good things in my life to be flippant about them and or recovery.

All I can do is stay on course and and focus on what matters.

[JayKay82]

Closing in on week 2 nearly gamble free. 1 “slip” last week but i dont think much about gambling more recently. This morning i woke up before my fiance, had a friend staying with us and i had to let him out before my phone alarm went off. I went to shave and took the phone into the bathroom so i could turn off my alarm so as not to wake her.

She thought i was gambling again, which i wasn’t, no reason to lie here. Trust is hard won and easily lost. Every gambling advertisement, every friend who tells me about his bets, every story you read about gambling addictions in the media , all reminds her of the person i am now, how will she ever trust me going forward ? I don’t know. Too many questions, no quick fix solutions, but at least for now i am not gambling . First step is to come clean about my relapse.

[Jonny123987]

Good Job Jay!

[JayKay82]

Thought for the day. Some times every one of of us fighting this addiction forget that we are actually good people. We get so consumed with hating ourselves for our actions that we, and possibly others forget that. I think it is important to accept you have made mistakes, but also in an effort to move on accept that you don’t need to hate urself. I think it’s important in an effort to break the cycle. No gambling all week. Things are looking good.

[JayKay82]

Hard to fathom how, when we work so hard to earn enough money to just get by, we throw it away needlessly and without a thought. Unbelievable.

in on 2 weeks gamble free now. Which really annoys me because If it wasn’t for a slip on week 1 I would have been on week 3. Anyway no more gambling, I’m done.

[JayKay82]

Week 2 done, no gambling and no evil thoughts. I’m Done …..

[JayKay82]

Monday again. Got a head cold and feeling sorry for myself. These smallest things are usually a trigger for me. Not today, I am closing in on three weeks gamble free and feeling good. Best of wishes to everybody battling this terrible addiction. Stay away from that first bet and give yourself a fighting chance .

[JayKay82]

Week 3 Gamble free.

[vera]

Great, Jay!
That’s how the day’s/weeks/months go by.
One at a time.
Enjoy every minute. ‘Hope you cold subsides.

[JayKay82]

Been quite busy with work lately. Entering week 4 gamble free now. A month is a long time and if it wasn’t for my relapse I wonder how I would be feeling now ? If. I hadn’t relapsed I might be better off financially but the urge might also still be festering inside me. Take it as luck or something higher but I am grateful to have an outlet and a way that keeps me away from gambling. I am not finding it hard to stay away, if reading the stories here has thought me anything it’s that only misery that comes from gambling and we are all truly happier when we stay away. I Hope everybody can find enough strength to stay away long enough to see that life can be so good without gambling.

[vera]

There is no place for “ifs and buts” in recovery, Jay.
A CGs, we all messed up. What we have now is the chance to start over and try to do better next time.
Christmas Eve is a good day to look back on as being a G- free day, so Just for today, let’s store that memory!

[Jonny123987]

Awesome work JayKay. A month is awesome. You can’t get to 5 weeks without 4. I’m at 2 weeks and starting to come out of the haze. One day at a time. ??

[JayKay82]

Thanks Vera and Johnny. Week 5 gamble free. Happy new year to everybody, great time to start fresh and keep the recovery going

[vera]

Well done, Jay. Your 5 weeks will have changed to 6 weeks by now. That’s how fast it goes! Hard to get around to post to everyone. Busy cooking , baking, visiting, eating, entertaining , cleaning up,-EVERYTHING EXCEPT GAMBLING.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, ONE DAY AT A TIME, JAY.
You’re doing great.
Stay safe. Keep posting.

[JayKay82]

Tomorrow is week 7 gamble free. I missed a week in there being busy with all the xmas activities. I am lucky in ways, gambling rarely crosses my mind these days, there used to be a time i could not go an hour without looking for some bet to put on, anything at all even if i didnt know what the sport was or who was playing, borderline insane ….

Whenever i am in the company of people who are talking about bets they have placed or adds on tv, or walking past betting shops i shudder and think how much i hate those organisations for taking advantage of us all.

It is an addiction, and like most addictions it is beatable. But only we can beat it, not to say we need to do it alone but we need to be able to trust ourselves when nobody is there to tell us stop.

Wishing everybody a GF 2017.

[JayKay82]

It is a strange addiction gambling. I hate gambling, and i hate what it has done to me financially and mentally in the past. More recently i have been very much in control of it. Today i found €20 in my pocket, its like bonus money when that happens. I had a brief thought, i wonder if i could double it wouldnt that be great, and if i lost it, what harm because i never knew i had it in the first place.

That thought only lasted a few seconds and then i moved on with my day. I have learned to understand that i can never place a bet again, because when it comes to gambling i have no control whatsoever. That is the undeniable truth, i can never place a bet again or else i know for sure the cycle will start again. At first i might say sure one small bet will do, i am in control. In reality that is not even close to the truth, i am nowhere near in control when gambling.

7 plus weeks gamble free. I am going to make 8 and more.

[Jonny123987]

Great freaking work JayKay! Rock on! I love this not gambling stuff!!!! Woot!

[JayKay82]

This day 8 weeks ago i placed my last bet. Of course that was after i told myself id never gamble again. I remember thinking, who cares and who will know anyway. Was a small bet but after i placed it i remember thinking, god i hope i loose, if i win ill just keep going. Thankfully i did loose, I may aswell have given the money to charity, at least then it would have had a purpose.

I think from that point on i realized that i really don’t have any control when it comes to gambling, and a total disregard for hard earned money.

Anyway i dont plan on gambling today, and tomorrow is week 8 gamble free.

[Jonny123987]

Great work JayKay. I will be following in your footsteps.

I’m done with gambling!

[JayKay82]

Thanks for the support Jonny. Quitting gambling has been the easy part, re-building trust and being honest to thoes around us is slightly harder.

Had a bit of a blow out this week with my Fiance. She thought i was gambling again, which i am not. She had every right to be upset and angry, mainly because i have not included her in my recovery. But as i said in my earlier posts, i dont need anyone else to trust me, i need to trust myself. Its all well and good leaning on others for support, what happens when you have to spend an hour, a day or a week alone. Can you trust yourself ? Well thats what i am building towards, i am learning and things are becomming easier. I know i will beat this and i must now put some actions in place to rebuild that trust. All in all, things are positive going forward.

[charles]

Keep posting JayKay and let us know what those actions are.

Well done on your gamble free time.

[JayKay82]

Here i am closing in on 9 weeks gamble free. The hard part for me is to get my Fiance to trust me. She thinks i am gambling even when i can prove i haven’t been. It is hard for both of us, given that this addiction is based largely on deception and hiding. Lets be honest, any of us can be pretty sneaky if we think we need to put a bet on.

So the first Grand Slam of the year is back on. We usually try and get a few matches in for the tennis. I know she will be thinking in the back of her head that i will be gambling on it. But i wont, im done for definite, even though i will admit it will be a test to stay away.

But now it leaves me with the predicament that i will have to go home and reassure her that i wasn’t gambling. Does that seem fair always having to justify your actions (or non actions) ? Is it another form of punishment for bad choices, like having to pay gambling debts with hard earned money ? None of the above most likely, it is just the way it is until we can get past it. I suppose its something that will just take time.

[vera]

Don’t waste time or words explaining your position, Jay.
I used to gamble in response to my husband’s “lack of trust”. I justified my gambling by saying “I might as well gamble, since he doesn’t believe me”. The reality is Jay, we blew the trust with people who deserved better. Now its pay back time, to some degree. CGs are quick to pick up the tab and try to defend ourselves. My suggestion would be to change the topic when it arises. Your fiancé needs to attend Family and Friends or Gamanon to learn when to talk and when to remain silent. Dipping a CGs nose in his past mistakes helps nobody.
Just bite your lip, keep doing what you are doing and eventually she will begin to trust you again.
Actions speak louder than words.
Thanks for posting to my thread.
well done on 9 G free weeks.

[JayKay82]

Today is week 9 gamble free. Looking forward to many more.

[fmm1988]

Great work Jay!

We shouldn*t be upset when the loved one don*t trust us.

After all, we did that to ourselves and we should make efforts to regain the trust.

Great job anyway!

V.

[JayKay82]

When life is tough, why would you make it worse by gambling ? Wednesday will be 10 weeks GF….

[charles]

Hi Jaykay,

Well done on your gamble free time.

9 weeks is great but how long did you gamble for? It can take work to regain trust.

There is an old saying – actions speal louder than words. Especially if those words/promises are ones that have been said before.

There was certainly no reason for my family to believe a word that i said when I finally stopped. When I went to GA meetigns though, when I had bank statements sent to my mums address so that they KNEW I wasn’t gambling, well that gave them cause to think that maybe I meant it this time.

Barriers and accountability help people stay gamble free. That is not all they do though. They alos help with trust as parterns/parents can see that we aren’t gambling, have minds put at rest that we aren’t out there maing things worse.

Keep posting and maybe tell us what you can do to show your partner that you mean it this time.

[JayKay82]

Week 10 gamble free. Contemplating handing over my finances to my Fiance, its not that i cant control myself (just now). Its that she doesnt trust me. Do i have to keep proving myself ? Funny, quitting is the easy part, re-building finances and trust is where the works begins. But then, not so long ago i thought quitting was the hard part….. Week 10 and going strong.

P.S. Charles thanks for your wise words, gratefully received

[JayKay82]

11 weeks gamble free. Seems like a lot longer. I imagine thats a good thing, helps me feel quite far removed from those horrible times of sneaking and hiding. Anyway, onwards and upwards.

[Jonny123987]

Great work JayKay! Harder done then said. Not gambling definitely feels better then gambling.

[JayKay82]

Nearly every week i forget what week i have reached. Thats how little i think of gambling these days. The key is to stay away when evil thoughts briefly enter your head. It is easy to forget how miserable and numb gambling makes you. Numb to all that is going on in the world. I am having a busy few weeks at work now, i remember gambling through those times before and wonder how i coped, ha not very well i suppose. I do feel now no matter what life throws at me im never going to gamble again, it is neither an answer or a solution to anything.

Anyway onward and upward.

[JayKay82]

Here i am at week 13. Re-reading my first posts, they seem like a different person. A very long time ago. Funny really considering that it has only been 3 months. I like to keep posting here so as i dont get a false sense of security. Meaning i think i am ok, then relapse again. I know it would start out as a harmless bet or thought but i want to keep thoes days firmly behind me.

[vera]

Its good to get 13 weeks under your belt, Jay but it can also be a “dodgy” time for a CG. Things getting back to normal, funds building up, feeling a bit more sure of ourselves……complacency can set in. It happened to me too often , that’s why I’m mentioning it. Is your GF still handling the finances? Any progress on the trust issue?? We need to stay alert and walk a step ahead all the time.

[kin]

Hi Jaykay

Congratulation and awesome job for staying gamble free for 13 weeks.

Vera is right, please watch out and becareful of complacency.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ~ Peter 5:8-9(NIV)

[JayKay82]

Hi Vera, Kin,

Thanks for your posts. You are right it is easy to relax and ease back into old habits. Thats why this forum serves as a good reminder of past times.

Vera, i never did hand over my Finances. I suppose i wanted to test myself. And i haven’t gambled, even if sometimes i do think about gambling momentarily, i want to move on with my life and leave it all behind. The trust is coming back, but when your life revolves around being deceptive, you have to give your loved ones time to adjust when you are on the right path.

Thanks again for your kind words.

[JayKay82]

So unbelievably busy at work. I nearly forgot to post. Anyway 14 weeks gamble free. Even if i had time i have no interest. When i was in a bad way, for gambling, i consumed my every thought and action. I wonder now how i had time for life at all.

Anyway onward and upward.

[JayKay82]

Car broke down yesterday. Times like this that i am grateful im not gambling anymore. Surprise expensive costs would have sent me into a frenzy of panic a few months ago, where’s the money going to come from ? All the while throwing my wages away. Sometimes in my sober state i can hardly believe what i used to put mysefl through.

[charles]

Hi JayKay, well done on your gamble free time. You are right, recvoery can give us a lot of great things. It is important to recognise though that it also puts us in a better position to deal with the unexpected bills or problems that life throws at us.

Well done and keep posting.

[vera]

Sorry to hear about your car, Jay.
Look at it this way, if you had kept on gambling, you mightn’t even have a car now.
‘Hope it doesn’t cost too much to fix.

[JayKay82]

15 weeks gamble free. Still wish i had never gone down that road. However at lease im heading in the right direction now. Thanks for the comments Charles & Vera.

[Thomas1987]

Well done JayKay, great achievement, just caught up on your posts…..im just over 14 months and it feels great, so we pretty much gave it up at same time of the year, I remember thinking this time last year, I wish i was a few years off it and I still do sometimes but if you keep yourself busy , the months/weeks/days/minutes/seconds will fly by….one day at a time….keep up the good work

[JayKay82]

Thomas thanks for your post. Im slow getting around to posts these days. Over worked and underpaid, same as the rest of the world. Anyway, i know i have said this before, but i dont even know how i managed to spend so much time throwing my money away ? Keeping busy is not a long term answer, but i have realised a while back that will power is the only way to beat this.

[Jonny123987]

Good work Jaykay! I’m a little slower with posts as well. I think because we don’t think about gambling every minute of the day. ?? gambling blows.

[JayKay82]

Week 17 and counting. Dont have much time for an update, getting twitchy with talk of betting in the office over cheltenham. But its not effected me too much. Thoughts of clearing debts enter my head, but i know ill just dig a bigger hole for myself. So no gambling today, or for the future.

[lily]

hi JayKay, I almost never post over here although I do pop over from friends and family to read posts and try to better understand gambling addiction, but your post hit a few cords with me.

My partner is about 14 weeks into recovery and although it is one of many I am confident that this time he really could do it, he is doing it every day. Despite the many relapses I do trust him, not even necessarily not to ever relapse but to tell me if he did and to get back in control again. I have not felt this way before and I think that is all down to our level of communication.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you felt like you had to prove yourself to your fiance and that that was hard for you. Trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back but in my experience the key to it this time has been him telling me everything, even when it is hard, even when he has messed up, even about how he may of lied to me in the past, even that he can’t guarantee he won’t again. When he tells me these things I know he is being real. If you are having ’twinges’ my advice would be don’t be afraid to share or even ask for help, open communication is the key to not just gaining trust but beating this horrible addiction.

As you say in your original post no one who hasn’t gone through this addiction will ever truly understand it an equally no one who hasn’t lived with someone they love with this addiction will ever know how that feels. It sounds like you are doing well but if you do feel like you are ever struggling there is no shame in asking for help or having your money taken care of, and the very fact you are asking will help to gain the trust of those around you.

The best way to prove anything to yourself is to succeed, the means to getting there are less important. Wishing you all the best, Lily x

[JayKay82]

Last week was maybe a little harder than i had expected. Thought of betting circled my brain momentarily, i am grateful however that i don’t take those thoughts seriously anymore. If i have learnt anything it is that i cannot go down that road again ( i wish someone would tell my subconscious). Apart from work stresses and a few bumps on the road i am in a good place.

[FlyingDutchman]

18 weeks is amazing, keep going don’t look back. Just read through your thread and it has inspired me. CG here, over 12 years up and down like a yoyo but determined to stop this time round. Stay gambling free and keep posting !!

[JayKay82]

Thanks for your post FlyingDutchman. Half the reason for my journal is to keep a check on myself, or to keep myself in check. Not to loose sight of where i have come from or to where i am going. If i could only inspire one other person to quit for life. It would be worth it.

[JayKay82]

Doing my best to update this. Thought and forgot a few times today. Being busy at work mostly to blame, then again I always was busy and managed to fit in a good amount of gambling. Anyway I am certain that it is in the past, I do believe I can never gamble again. To think anything else would be very foolish.

[charles]

Well done on your gamble free time JK

[JayKay82]

Thanks Charles.

As it happens it doesn’t give me much satisfaction to be gamble free. Not that i am ungrateful, its just that i wish i could undo all the stupid stuff i have done. I know its not the way to look at my current situation, but thats the way i feel about it. Believe me i am done with gambling, i know how the guilt, hiding and stress impacted me before, and i am grateful that i have come so far.

This sounds like a negative post, its not supposed to be. Just putting words down on paper. Very happy to be 20 weeks in no doubt.

[JayKay82]

It is funny how you are obsessed with sports and results when you gamble. I still follow quite a bit of sport, but sometimes i hear results or big tournaments going on and i think to myself, wow i didnt even know that was happening. Lucky i suppose i can still be involved in following my team and not have the urge to gamble. Gambling is such an odd obsession, takes everything we love and slowly destroys it. I hope all the compulsive gamblers out there, at some point, realise how good life can be without gambling and that it is enough to keep them on the straight and narrow.

[vera]

Twenty weeks away from a bet does help us to think more clearly, Jay but it doesn’t take away the regret of what we have done. Our feelings change over time and I think the regret will fade. Using sound judgement and prudent “barriers” will help us rise above those feelings.
It is what we do today that matters most. Acting on feelings is not always the way to go, but it doesn’t stop us having those thoughts.
Writing them here in your journal is one way to overcome them.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for the advise Vera. Hard not to let regret have some part in our thoughts, when the debt follows us around as a reminder. Anyway bar a few tough times i am still gamble free and tomorrow is week 21.

[JayKay82]

Still gamble free. I have had a hard 2 weeks for some reason. But i am not gambling , been tempted but i know i cant. I think i am at the stage where my brain deceives me into thinking i can do it for fun and control it. Ha, not the case. If i can get past this i think things will get progressively better.

[vera]

I often convinced myself I could do likewise, Jay. I had the mental ability to compartmentalize things in a way that I would even set money aside for “playing” versus gambling…..suffice to say everything went belly up, every time , it all ended in tears and 15 years on, I’m still finding strategies for damage control.
Just keep telling yourself “CGs never win”!

[JayKay82]

Thanks for the comments Vera. Out the other side of another week ! The last 2 were strangely difficult, just have to deal with it I suppose and come out the other side. What’s the alternative anyway, gambling, secrets, anxiety, pure hello. Not this time !

[micky]

Hi jay just been reading through your thread and how positive and focused you are now since you last gambled 22 weeks and going strong , keep it up stay focused one day at a time.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for the comments Micky. The reality to getting to 22 weeks, and beyond, is not gambling. No matter how much i think i can control it the “next time”, i know for certain i am only fooling myself. Debt follows me around like everybody else as a sore reminder of wrong choices, and will do for the next few years but we have to deal with it and not dwell on it !

[CraigS83]

I’ve just read through your thread and I’ve got to say that what you are doing is an inspiration. I had my last gamble 3 weeks ago now and I’ve found this site to be such a great source of information. Hearing from people who are dealing with the same demons that I am has been very helpful.
Like yourself it’s going to take me year’s to get out of the mess that I created while gambling but I’ll deal with it.
Anyways just thought I would post a message to say congrats on going 22 week’s without gambling. Keep it going my friend.
All the best

[Sharins0903]

Hi jay. Just like to say congrats on 22 weeks. I am new here but am determined to stop before it ruins me. I can totally relate to what you say about not being the person gambling turns you into as I am exactly the same. It really is like a demon that gets into your mind. Anyway good luck for the next 22 weeks and hopefully by then I’ll be where you are now . Sharon

[JayKay82]

Thanks to everybody for the support. I suppose i am guilty at time of reading other peoples threads and not posting. Selfish at times and focusing on my own recovery. Hopefully my thread would inspire someone else to quit for good !

[JayKay82]

23 Weeks done. I know for sure i will never go back to where i was. I had a thought during the week, oh what if i just stuck a small bet on and won a few hundred. Maybe that would take some of the debt or i could take my fiance out for dinner.

1. Cannot understand why my brain is tell me that.
2. It is the most ridiculous though i have ever heard of.

I know i cant gamble, my brain knows i cant gamble, why the hell is this stupid thought still stuck in my head ?

Suppose thats why its an addiction, we all have to realise that we cant just keep letting that thought control us. Say no and move on with your day. Easier said than done i know..

[micky]

Hi Jay the reason your brain tells you to gamble is because it knows you enjoy it ( before you lose) , it is not your brains fault. Teaching your brain not to tell you this is not easy , i have mentioned this recently. i.e. if your right handed your brain tells you to pick up a cup of tea with your right hand automatically, if you tell your brain to pick it up with your left hand over time it will do this automatically. In certain situations your brain says go gamble because it knows you feel better when winning or just escaping from the real world if only for a short time. So when your brain says go gamble you have to stop-think-and keep thinking it through (all the reasons why you shouldn’t) until the thought passes.

[JayKay82]

Still going, an i intend to keep it that way. Not to say its no problem, but when you have a bumpy week, just say no and don’t gamble. Simple as that…. in truth i know its not as simple as that, but that is what it takes. Just say no, im not gambling today. Hope that everybody who is trying to quit can find the will to stay away.

[Anoniem]

Hello Jay, don’t think I’ve posted on your thread. I remember when you first posted, I was gambling then and couldn’t have mustered a post if I tried.

It’s mad isn’t it. Imagine if somebody had suggested to you when you first came just to “say no” it would have seemed impossible I think, but in essence that is the bottom line. I’m not up to date on your full thread but occasionally read. You have been very honest so far I think, nearly six months already. Well done mate.

Geordie.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for the comment Geordie.

So i had a talk with my Fiance last night. We decided to sit down and look at finances for saving for our wedding. We decided we should clear the remainder of the credit card debt and start putting the repayments from each month into savings. It is a relief to finally be debt free, i also know it is like having a weight lifted off me, which is a dangerous time.

I know my subconcious will tell me that i am back to square one and i wont be able to do as much damage as previous, sure i can handle it and its great fun. Whats the harm in a little bet anyway, sure ill prob make even more money this time. What a load of b.s. I know what will happen, i know it is a place i never want to go back to again. Rock bottom is not an option ever again.

But i am learning and have learnt to deal with the “urges”. There is no way i am going to entertain gambling ever again. I never want to break her trust again, i never want to gamble again. I am lucky, gambling no longer defines me, it is still all around but i will not let it break me again.

Any way to end on a positive note, by the end of the month i will be debt free and heading in the right direction.

[JayKay82]

Today marks 25 gamble free weeks. Next week will be 26, which is 6 months. Happy with that, noting is impossible, 6 months ago i thought it was impossible to get here.

[JayKay82]

6 months in. Everybody has the ability to do it.

[vera]

How many days in 6 months Jay?
132 approx.
You get here one day at a time.
No reason to believe you won’t keep going, odaat!
Well done!

[Jonny123987]

Good work Jay. VERA a half year is roughly 182.5 days.

Best,
Jon

[JayKay82]

Thanks Vera and Jon, hope you are both doing well also. Busy life for me leaves little time for devious thoughts of gambling. Hope you are both in the same boat ! Thanks again got the support.

[JayKay82]

Over the 6 months mark now. Id be lying if i said it was easy or i never had a thought of gambling. But when you focus your energy on other things you have no time for gambling, funny the way that swings around !

[JayKay82]

Another week down. Find myself wondering if i will have to write in this journal for ever more ! Who knows but at least for now it keeps me on the straight and narrow.

[kathryn]

I’ve been posting here for 9 years!!!
There’s been times, as the years have gone on they i have posted less and less but I always come back to what I know! It’s been a lifeline for me, so I guess use it as much as you need to!!!
Congratulations on your gamble free time!
Love K xxx

[JayKay82]

I wonder if i was more addicted to easy money more than the act of gambling itself ? Not sure.

Ha, “easy money” what a joke, all i ever got from ghambling was debt, stress, anxiety …. the list goes on.

Anyway, Another week down, another notch on the learning curve.

[JayKay82]

What keeps me from gambling ?

1. I am an honest person and i don’t want to lie on my thread. There is no point in gambling and lying about it ?
2. I really don’t want to deceive my Fiance into thinking im not gambling, if i am.

I wish i had never won any money gambling, when finances are low, the answer is not gambling.

Week 30 gambling free fast approaching.

[JayKay82]

I would be lying if i said it was easy. But it is very possible. This whole time i have been in control of my own finances, i do often think about gambling when my favourite sports are on, but i never act. Easier said than done i know, especially for people who cant break the cycle.

Much like everyone who uses this site as an outlet, i am grateful to have the facility and appreciate the time and work people put in to it.

[kathryn]

Great progress!
This site saved my life. I absolutely believe that.
You are right, it isn’t easy, even 8 years later.
And yes, it is possible. And life starts to take over addiction.
What a beautiful life it is.
Take care, K x

[JayKay82]

Nearly 8 months in now. Today i paid the last of my gambling associated debt, on my credit card. No sense of relief really, but you cant have everything, can you ! At least i’m out the other side, maybe not wiser but definitely less foolish…..

[vera]

Be careful, JayKay,
Paying off a debt means you have more credit available.
Be ready to turn down any new offers.
Does your partner know about this?

[JayKay82]

Hi Vera, thanks for checking in. Yes she knows, it was a joint decision to pay off the debt. Im not saying i am any different than anyone else who has fallen into the gambling trap, but i am choosing not to gamble. It is still in the back of my mind, maybe always will be, but i will continue to choose not to gamble indefinitely.

Thanks for the wise words.

[JayKay82]

Work life gets harder, staying away from gambling gets easier. I wont ever gamble again, if i have any control whatsoever over it. But in a short space of time, you do forget how addictive and emotionally crippling gambling can be.

[kathryn]

Isnt it amazing how the urges to gamble lessen when you stop, the longer you stop the lesser they get!
I don’t know how I ever found the time!!!
So happy to read you are doing well, keep making that good choice every day!!
Take care, K x

[JayKay82]

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks for your comment. I hope all is good at your end and your family all doing well. Especially the new arrival !.

[JayKay82]

Week 33 done.

[kathryn]

Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you are enjoying your gamble free time.
My little grandson is just divine!!!
I cannot get enough of that child. I was never going to turn into one of ’those’ grandmothers…….but here I am, KILLING IT!!!!
Have a great day,
Love K xx

[JayKay82]

I know why I keep my journal going. But I wonder if there is a benefit anymore or if I could keep going in the right direction solo. Well see I suppose at some stage.

[vera]

Can a bird fly on one wing, Jay?
??????????????????????
I tried it and crashed many times.

[Anoniem]

It’s working fine jaykay, why bother changing.

Like Vera, I’ve tried too many times. It’s proven time and time again, you can’t beat this without support.

Look at Kathryn, eased off posting after many years and had a slip. Posting again and not gambling.

It’s no coincidence mate, it’s working for you why go backwards?

Why test yourself?

You’ve said in earlier posts how you are a private person and don’t use social media. I can relate to that. However this isn’t social media and must have helped you get to where you are. The addiction in you thrives on secrecy, it doesn’t like people to be accountable.

If you stopped posting I would think in no uncertain terms that it would be a huge mistake, it would be complacency setting in and that usually ends up one way!

You have done great mate, and sharing your experiences could benefit a lot of others, if not yourself. I don’t post a lot on your thread, but I know I’d miss seeing you about even if it is just a weekly update.

Geordie.

[JayKay82]

Hi vera and Geordie. Thanks for your comments and support. I know exactly what you are both telling me. Very greatful to have ppl like u guys on this website looking out for everyone. Oh and that includes you too Kathryn.

[JayKay82]

Sneaky little addiction gambling. Always hovering in the background. The more u stay away the less u do think about it. But it helps to always be on your guard. It is not harmless to have one last bet, or one more for that matter.

[kathryn]

Truer words have never been spoken!
Let that guard down and it will seize the opportunity.
Over 8 years since stopping and its still there, that sneaky little thought. I doubt it will ever leave me.
All I can do is ensure that barriers are up. Recognising when the urges come helps too.
I was once told about HALT. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
Its amazing just how many times, during an urge I thought of that word and realised it was one of those things that was giving me the urges.
Food for thought? Its a good one to have in the back of your mind if you ever find yourself in that situation.
Take care,
Love K xxx

[JayKay82]

Thanks Katryn for your post, as usual your a great support. I had started writing a big long post and my thread crashed. So i dont have the motivation to write it again. Anyway, hopefully anybody new or old to the site is on the right path and beating the urge to gamble.

[JayKay82]

Sitting at home on my own at the weekend and one of the on line accounts I used to bet on, and closed, emailed me. Disturbing on a few levels. Not exactly to me because I deleted it and got on with my day, it’s just I think these companies ruin lives and continue to be in your face afterwards. I don’t pay much attention to them these days truth be told, it’s people they keep sucking in I feel sorry for. In the age where everybody is connected every minute of every day, I think gambling needs to be regulated more than it currently is. Rant over. Have a good day.

[vera]

Yes, Jay. Those emails from gambling establishments are a huge temptation and a source of relapse for many CGs.
I hope you sent them a response, threatening legal action if they persist in breaching contracts with ex clients. They have a legal obligation not to do that, surely?

[JayKay82]

Thanks for checking in Vera. Wish i had the time to persue legal action against betting sites. But thankfully they are the last thing on my mind these days.

[JayKay82]

Only 12 weeks from one year. Of course i still think about gambling, not too regular to be honest, but these days i choose not to act.

[vera]

slow down Jay
Enjoy today
In 12 weeks time we might all be washed away like the poor unfortunate people in Hueston USA.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for checking in Vera. Im not in any rush, just a few words for my weekly update.

Yes the poor people of Hueston are having a hard time of it and i hope they all get some relief very soon.

[JayKay82]

Another week done. I hope everybody is having a good week, even though we’re only at the hump now !

[JayKay82]

Week 42 done

[JayKay82]

World events make me feel like my problems are very small. Life is busy but good, no gambling for me !

[kathryn]

You’re not wrong!
And not gambling is one less thing!
Well done!
Love K xx

[JayKay82]

I dont miss that feeling of autopilot, where nothing else matters and sure whats one more bet, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100, 1000. Crazy level of recklessness and self hurt/emotional torment that gambling puts us through. I still choose not to gamble, because i know i will never win. I hope anybody who reads this post can do the same.

[kathryn]

You’re right, there’s no thought, just action and damn the consequences. How many times I would spend everything, no money for groceries, feed the family on a dime, couldn’t even buy my kids a rotten ice cream!
Gambling takes everything, and all around it suffer!
Keep making that good choice.
Love L xx

[vera]

Well done, Jay.
Knowing that we never win puts a halt to a CG’s gallop.
One day at a time.

[JayKay82]

If i was a smoker, alcoholic, drug addict or other physical addict i would probably well out of the woods by now. Not that i am possessed day to day by gambling, but it is something i know is always at the back of my head. The thing is not to put thoughts into action and this is what i have learnt! Anybody reading this, JUST DONT DO IT, simple or not…. just dont….. get your life back. Happy hump day !

[i-did-it]

Hi Jay, I have just read your entire thread from start to finish- I have been posting on here for a long time and I guess I missed your thread because I was too busy gambling to look at new threads .
A massive congratulations on all you have achieved- in an hour I will have reached seven days gamble free and your thread has convinced me that this time I will do it .
I am going to post the weeks like you do once I actually get a few under my belt .
Please continue to post – your thread is helping others like me to believe that we can do it too. I think it’s a really effective thread to read because it’s very positive, you number the weeks so it’s easy to follow your journey and also your posts are very concise (as u can see that’s I skill I have yet to conquer )
Thank you for inspiring me tonight .

[JayKay82]

I have pondered whether my weekly update keeps me attached to gambling, or away from it ?

Anyway i never want to go back into that could of autopilot, deceit, lies, frustration, broke, crap, that gambling brings upon us.

[Anoniem]

But if it ain’t broken why try to fix it?

You post every week on here, you have not gambled for FORTY SIX weeks. That’s brilliant I would say it’s helping you keep away from gambling. Yes we all read a lot about gambling on the threads of CG’s so we are never completely detached from gambling. In my eyes that is no bad thing, I know that for me the reminders of how pathetically I behaved and the selfish immature arrogance I repeatedly conducted myself with by allowing gambling back into my life time and time and time again, are a neccasary requirement in my recovery.

When I stop remembering the chaos my gambling brought me and those around me, that’s usually when I go wonky.

I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, but I’ll never forget them.

We nearly all come here the first time desperate for help, desperate to quit or to find an answer. Gt helped me stop, it helps me stay stopped too. It’s not a cure, but it can be a big ahelp.

I wouldn’t ponder too long JK your weekly updates as far as I can see keep you still attached in a roundabout way, which is probably keeping you away from it.

[JayKay82]

Geordie, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Just here for my weekly update. Life is good.

[JayKay82]

Seems to be a lot more traffic on the site these days. Not sure if that is good or bad. I suppose it is good that people are looking for help. I’m not the best to support those around me but i do a little bit i’m my own way. Some people are very good and we should all be very grateful of the amount of time and attention they give everybody. I wouldnt be fair to name people, basically for fear of missing someone. Anyway thanks !

[JayKay82]

Nothing much to report today!

[vera]

Having nothing to report is a good sign, Jay.
I like the question on whether frequent posting keeps the attachment to gambling open or not?
Just remind yourself that you new attachment is to recovery.
One day at a time.
Posting works for you.
Keep it up!

[JayKay82]

Hi Vera, thanks for checking in again. Time will tell i suppose in terms of the journal entries. Cant keep it up for ever, nor would i wish to ! Not that im saying that is a negative thing, but somewhere in the future i will have move on. But not yet.

[i-did-it]

Hi jaykay ,
I am forever posting and checking this site – it kinda feels like Another addiction – the only thing is it doesn’t bring a huge amount of heart ache, stress, worry and sometimes even suicidal thoughts with it- so il take it for now . If I am addicted to this site the big difference is that I can engage with the world without being distracted by it – when gambling there was no room for anything else in my head
Between posting though I do feel a new life emerging – sometimes in baby steps and sometimes in huge strides .
I hope down the line I will not need such a level of support .

I guess what I’m saying is at different times we will need different levels of support – if what you are doing now s working for you stick with it. There is no right or wrong and we are all at different places in our journey .
It is encouraging however to hear about people who are doing well and continuing with their recovery .

[JayKay82]

Thanks I-did-it. Time will tell i suppose !

[JayKay82]

I’m out the other side now. I know it for a fact. I have no want to gamble. I know and iv said it many times, its a sneaky ****** the way it creap’s up on you. But i just don’t entertain it. That’s the truth. Because we are so wary of gambling we sometimes forget to pat ourselves on the back and say, yes i have beat it, yes i can keep beating it. Be positive people, but not complacent !

[Anoniem]

You are doing exceedingly well.

Many a good man has said the same thing, only to eat their own words months or even years later.

To be positive is great, I agree. You dont need to live in fear JayKay there is no reason any of us should ever return to gambling.

But I knew for a fact after my first prison sentence that gambling wouldn’t send me back there again….it did another 4 times.

I knew for a fact when I first went to GA that I’d never end up like the sad looking gaunt men who had ruined their lives that were sitting there………..I did and then some more.

I knew for a fact when a “drugs man” offered me ￡300 a week to use my flat to press his drugs I wouldnt do that to raise gambling money…..but I done it.

I knew for a fact for over 30 years, that its not just about today, its about for ever……it isn’t mate.

It’s all about today mate, just today, tomorrow will soon be today, and so will this time next week.

But today is the only day, I’ve learnt over the years, is the only day I can say for certain that I won’t gamble. To promise to myself, or to anybody else, any longer commitment would be futile.

None of us have the ability to see what the future holds mate.

The thing with complacency is, we don’t see it ourselves. The more that people would tell me that I was getting complacent, the more I would deny it.

Maybe you have got it cracked JayKay I hope so mate.

Just remember these words a wise man wrote on this site about a year ago…..

” It is so easy to lie to yourself and say “okay, this is it, with all the best will in the world, this is it for me, i am clever, determined and headstrong”. Then poof, its like someone else has taken over the reigns and you are no longer responsible for anything you do, except you carry the can”.

A fortnight later that wise man gambled again. He hasn’t gambled since though.

You wrote those words mate, I hope you live by them and remember just how vicious this addiction is, each and every brand new TODAY.

Take care, and I do wish you all the best.

[JayKay82]

Hi Geordie,

Thanks for checking in as usual. U are one of the good ones. I knew when i wrote this post that either you or Vera would be straight on it, and i don’t mean that in a negative way. I know what i have done and where i have come from. This is not a projection of where i want to be, nor is it a measurement of where i have come from. Id just like to share a little positivity with others today because that’s how i was feeling. Simple ! And i do appreciate you taking the time to check in andi know you give others so much support when they need it and they will appreciate that. Cheers

[Anoniem]

Mate, I’m not that predictable am I? LOL.

We’re all different mate, and I know that most people wouldn’t let themselves sink as low as I let myself.

But you know me, and I couldn’t read that without passing comment.

Keep on doing what you’re doing JK.

Cheers.

[vera]

“the things we don’t want to hear, are usually the things we need to hear”!
I can understand your positivity , Jay and your determination, but given the wrong/right circumstance all that can change in a flash.
TODAY, I know it is very unlikely I will gamble.
Tomorrow could be totally different.
Stay focused.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for posting last week Vera and Geordie. Another week down, the last week has been very busy. Some times it is hard to see past all the things i have to do in my work and personal life. Hard to think how i could have balanced such a busy life with such a time consuming addiction. That was draining !

[Jonny123987]

Almost a year now JK. Killing it!! Good work!

[JayKay82]

Thanks for checking in Jonny. I see you are doing quite well yourself, well done.

Well that’s a year. The past year form me has not been defined by gambling or not gambling. Its just a fact, a statistic no more. I am not willing to let it be a defining moment in my life. Then why *****, numerous reasons i suppose none of which i need to explain. One thing i will say, for the first 10 or 15 weeks *****ing does give you focus when your brain is fuzzy with confustion, desperation and guilt. That is it for now !

[Jonny123987]

Rock on!

[JayKay82]

Another one bites the dust. Oh and don’t feed the beast !

[Anoniem]

Nice one JayKay.

I hope new people to the site on seeing the title’s to your posts (weeh 53 ect) also scroll up and read, it gives hope that we are all capable of breaking free from the “loop” as you say.

I’m pleased youv’e carried on with your thread after passing the one year without gambling “milestone”. After all it was only another today.

Are you looking forward to Christmas this year? It must be more attractive than the last one.

Take care.

[JayKay82]

Hi Geordie, thanks for checking in again and taking the time to write. Yea, the xmas break signals the end of another long year ! Looking forward to the break to be sure, it is a great time of year for everyone to catch up with people they may not have seen all year.

[JayKay82]

Busy busy busy.

[kathryn]

Oh well done on your year. You always seem so blasé, that isn’t an insult by the way, just doing what you need to and staying gamble free!
So, I am going to be super excited for you and give you a big fat WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You should be so proud, think about where you were a year ago………
Congrats my friend,
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

Wow JayKay! Congratulations on your one year ??

I too feel like when we are stuck in our addiction it is like a never ending loop in our brain. Well done on breaking the pattern.

Enjoy the holidays this year! Be proud of your success dealing with this addiction. It is a damn tough one!

take care,
Laura

[JayKay82]

Thanks Kathryn and Laura, its always nice to have people leave a note. I’m not very good at contributing, but i do appreciate it and i suppose selfishly i am only looking after my own problems for now ! I don’t want to give this addiction any more time than it has already taken from me, and to be honest it doesn’t really feature in my life anymore.

I know, alarm bells, stay aware and vigilant…. etc. etc. But the truth is i only thing about it on my weekly post. Anyway, best of luck to everyone, and stay gamble free. !

[Johnny B]

It is nice to look back at older posts and see people who find the value in sharing with like minded individuals. 45 days in, I am finding it almost embarrassing that I have let this control me for the last 20 years. It hasn’t been easy, but really, it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it was. I find it is the trust in yourself, and the self esteem that is the most important. You have to see the forest through the trees. Sometimes what is directly in front of you is not what it appears (gambling is not a friend).
I find it funny looking back…whenever I was down, I was like, “if I can only get even”…..Guess what, I was even before I sat down….and as a CG I will never be even…. so it is better not to play!

[JayKay82]

Another week down.

[kathryn]

Happy to read you are doing well.
Wishing you a happy Christmas, not gambling makes it a bit easier for sure!
After 15 years of gambling, scrounging every Christmas it is so nice to not have the stress or worry. I hope you enjoy it!
Keep up the good work,
Love K x

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping by Kathryn.. hope you are enjoying your Xmas.

[kathryn]

How was your Christmas?
I hope it was a happy, gamble free one!
Just thought I’d check in on you.
Take care,
Love K xx

[JayKay82]

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks for checking in. Hope you are well. Yes, nice long break and very much gamble free. To be honest i don’t even think about gambling until someone brings it up in conversation or i make my weekly update.

I havnt been able to update much, not that i am that active on the website. Spent quite a lot of time on the road travelling to see different people.

I hope you too had a good break for Xmas. and wish you all the best for the new year.

[finding_laura]

Hi Jay,

Happy New Year!

good to hear you are staying gamble free and that it isn’t much of a thought anymore. Word of caution from someone who stopped doing maintenance (no GA, GT, therapy, journaling) it can creep back in. Not saying that would happen in your case, I just wish I would have kept a little bit more of an eye on the things that made gambling such an easy escape. And more of a finger in the the things that reminded me of it’s power. But now I know!

Enjoy your travels. It really is about the journey as they say.

well done on your gamble free time.
Laura

[JayKay82]

Laura, Kathryn,

Thanks for your words of wisdom and taking the time to write here., hope you are both keeping well.

Reading through some of the posts on other threads and i had a flashback to times when i was on auto pilot flinging money at my online accounts. Crazy addiction, all i can say is WOW, what madness.

Anyway i just don’t entertain those thoughts anymore, gambling doesn’t feature in my day or my thoughts most of the time. If it does it is just a passing thought that i leave slip by.

Hope the rest of you people struggling to break the cycle can just say no and ignore the urge and get your lives back on track.

[kathryn]

Madness is the word! I remember after I stopped gambling thinking, how on earth did I find the time to do it?
Keep living your best life, it’s too good to waste!!!!
Take care, love K xxx

[vera]

Refusing to entertain gambling thoughts , prevents gambling action.
It’s not just a crazy addiction. It’s a scary one too.

[JayKay82]

Busy busy. Nothing else to report.

Thanks for stopping in last week Vera and Kathryn, hope you are both well.

[i-did-it]

JayKay.
I read through a lot of your thread today -a massive well done to you.
I hope a year from now I am writing posts similar to yours-thank you for sharing.

[JayKay82]

Hello I-did-it. Thanks for reading through, all that i would hope is that i could inspire people to quit by showing them it is possible with motivation and discipline. Easier said than done i would say. Anyway i hope you break the cycle and trust that you learn to never look back once you do.

take care, and most of all, persevere !

[JayKay82]

Another week down. I am going to say something conversational now….. And you see it is only directed at me, it is not for everybody and it is not directed at anybody but myself. Anyway, i dont believe in blocks, triggers, urges or any of the mechanisms thats lead us to gamble, i only believe in the power of our own will to say no and the determination we must have to say no until the feeling has passed. I say this as a person who knows that even with every block in place i could still find a way to gamble, luckily for me i never stole or missed a bill but i was down to the wire on more than one occasion.

I just want whoever is reading to find the strenght to say no and i feel sad (and sometimes angry) when i hear people putting the blocks in place and still reverting to old habits.

Anyway, heres hoping i havnt offended anyone, just my weekly post and some thoughts running through my head.

[Semaj]

Hi JK, I hope I will be able to summon the same strength and willpower as you did, and finally go clean. I have not put any blocks or external measures in place as well, because I want to be able to stop on my own power. This may actually be the hardest route to recovery, but I also believe this to be the most effective and rewarding. Perhaps some may say i am taking a ‘gamble’ on the strength of my own willpower, but i want to eventually be able to say that I quit before I wanted to, and not because I couldn’t bet anymore.

[finding_laura]

Hi JK, well done on another week of not gambling and normality. I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your above post. I agree that a mental BAN ( I don’t gamble anymore ) is a very important part of recovery. But i also feel that for a lot of people it takes barriers to break the cycle. Many have tried the will power thing and failed many many times creating so much destruction. I wanted those barriers as I was afraid of myself, and wanted a just in case safety net. True, I probably could have figured out a way to gamble a small amount once I was gamble free for a year or two, but I didn’t want to. My early barriers were pretty rock solid. The good thing is that people can come here and read about what worked for different people. There are some that can’t put barriers in place and there only options are to make it a little more difficult and to put in place a mental ban. It is good that they see it can be done too. Take care,
Laura

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in Semaj & laura, i hope you are both doing very well on your recovery.

Week 62 down, nothing much to report , just wishing everyone well on their journeys.

[i-did-it]

Jaykay- this should be a safe place to express ourselves – and if you feel that works for you then you are completely right to say so. As a person who has written a lot of stuff that was judged I feel it is a very positive and strong post .
I also agree there is no barrier stong enough to prevent me from gambling – but the barriers I have do give me thinking time . In truth I need plenty of it .

I feel there is no right or wrong way , no better or worse way . I personally hated all that straight talking which was repeating things we already knew over and over until it became frustrating . There is no one size fits all- and we all need to accept that we all have our own way.
Great post – thanks for sharing.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in again IDI, as i say, i know that all the barriers in the world wouldnt stop me if i wanted to gamble. The only person who could stop me, is me. I suppose i am lucky in some ways, while i ran down my wage every month and ran up my credit card bill, i never stole, i never missed a bill, never missed rent and always made sure i had enough money for food for the month. I like to think that gave me some control in the madness, and that is also probably why i have kept control of all my finances and am still gamble free. Thats not to say that i dont think about it, i just choose not to act.

Anyway, thanks for stopping in.

[Johnny B]

Hi Jay
I concur with your assessment of our own will controls us. The only thing I will say to the contrary is when I was in the grips, people would always say, why don’t you just stop?
I think it is important to allow yourself to get in the right frame of mind, before you can be able to make a conscious decision to let it be just a passing thought. I am 2 months gamble free. I still battle with myself saying I will never gamble again, I still play the lottery (very sparingly), but my time here has allowed me to stop and think before I act…therefore, to your point, I am in control of my conscious decision to act or not…
But, once again, we all have to get the clouds cleared before we can see the sunshine again!
Good Luck… Congrats on your “free” time!!

[JayKay82]

Interesting week last week. I had a lot of urges to gamble. I know the root of the problem though.

Stress at work makes me think how easily i could win money at times, thousands in the space of a few days. On the other hand it never enters my head that at one stage in 2014 i had 50 in my account, no social and work had just dried up. Luckly i had just paid the rent, but i never foresaw that my work would be cutting me loose. The stress, good lord its not worth it.

Similarily at home, life is good, very good in fact. But at times you do think if i had more money i would nt still be living in a one bed flat paying another mans mortgage. I know ill start gambling again, SURE WHATS THE HARM. Sure this time im going to make my millions….. FARCE.

Anyway, staying away from gambling is not easy (some of the time) but it is very possible.

[Johnny B]

Reading your last post reminds me of what I am going through. I have finally reached the point in my life where the happiness I have without gambling, far outweighs the rush that gambling allows. I recently changed jobs and am earning half as much as I used to. However, since I don’t gamble anymore, I feel better off financially. Looking back it pisses me off that I didn’t save when I made, but it is not healthy for me to look back at what could have been…I choose to look forward to what is going to be, and knowing that I am not gambling today –(easiest way for me to stay true, one day at a time)–life is good. Time heals all wounds, and things will get better…as long as we don’t make them worse!! Congratulations on being strong, and staying away, this is a rough time to make the right choice, and you are doing great!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
That post echos my feelings ~ stress at work sends me straight to thinking about my lottery win.
Despite the huge odds I always think I will win.

It is hard to stay away from gambling but just look at how far you have come.
I like to read your posts – they are real- you get that it can be a struggle .
Keep strong

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
That post echos my feelings ~ stress at work sends me straight to thinking about my lottery win.
Despite the huge odds I always think I will win.

It is hard to stay away from gambling but just look at how far you have come.
I like to read your posts – they are real- you get that it can be a struggle .
Keep strong

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in IDI, Jappy and Johnny B, Its always nice to know others are on the journey with you.

Anyway, week 64 down. For me it was always online betting. This is good and bad in some ways, in one way it is always accessible, at the drop of a hat i have felt the need and found myself registering and signing up for new accounts, of course having closed multiple ones in disgust.

With online gambling you must take the first steps towards the “investment”. You must take out your card, fill in the online forms and make a deposit. I make this three steps before the madness begins.

So why take that first step ? Instead, think about that sick feeling you get when you hit rock bottom and ask yourself. Is it worth it to go through all that again ? The answer is a resounding NO !

Anyway, food for thought and maybe someone can use this thought process, no matter their vice.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
I remember those three steps only too well.
I remember how I couldn’t get through them quickly enough
I remember the huge buzz when a deposit was accepted
I also remember the awful feeling of self hatred and disgust afterwards – when the money was gone and you remembered all the things you could have spent it on.

Definitely not worth it and now that my brain has cleared , I wonder how could I have been so stupid ?

Thank you for this post Jaykay- it triggered a memory I never want to repeat !

[JayKay82]

Another one bites the dust….

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay,
Not sure what your post means but I hope you are ok.
It’s so hard to stop gambling but even if you have slipped you can straight back on the wagon .
Hang in there my friend !

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in again IDI. Just another week down thats all.

All good over here, hope you are keeping well !

[i-did-it]

Great news !

[JayKay82]

Another week down. At some stage i would like to continue without this diary. But for now it is working, so why fix it if its not broken ?

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
I still write a lot on my journal and find it helpful.
I do however find I am having more dry spells with it .
Keep doing the things that have got you to here .
It helps us all to read about others success .
Well done.
Onwards and upwards

[JayKay82]

I like the old webite layout better ! Not much for change

[finding_laura]

Change is not easy! Really not much has changed except the home page and the group page. I’m having a bit of problems with the group page but will report it and try and work it out.

Keep with what works JK. We don’t have to spend a lot of time on here but touching base seems to help. When I stopped connecting even after having over 5 years clean I went back. Coming here is helping me get back on track and stay there I hope.

Take care!
Laura

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in Laura, hope you are keeping well.

Everybody in the office is betting on cheltenham this week. doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m not betting and i’m not bothered by other people betting.

[JayKay82]

Busy life leaves no time for gambling, ….. unless ur a fully functioning CG…

Roughly one year and 4months since i last placed a bet, who knows maybe ill inspire someone some day !

[JayKay82]

Thanks for following SaraJ, i hope you are taking all the steps you need to beat this addiction.

Break the cycle and and things get much better very quickly.

[Lily Nix]

Hi Jay Kay, I have to say I AM very inspired with your story, thanks for sharing your Journey it gives me hope….I am on Day 8 and that is something, I have surrendered to the fact I can not gamble responsibly and have no control, I am not in denial anymore.

You should be very proud of yourself!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
A really well done on your gamble free time – it is so nice to read success stories and so encouraging .
Can I ask how you have filled your gamble free time as I find myself often bored ?

It seems like only yesterday that Your name first appeared on the forums and look how much gamble free time you have accumulated .

Thank you for sharing
Xx

[JayKay82]

Thanks for your post Lily Nix & IDI. Glad to help if i can. Im sure you will bothe be a lot further down the line in a few months and will wonder why you ever gambled.

Working hard is a much more effective way of making money ! Gambling only stressed me out and wasted a heck of a lot of my time.

In answer to your question IDI, i dont do much different. I do run every evening and cook my own dinner (this takes up most of my evening). Never a take away. Try to eat healthy and stay focused. Its so easy to slip off track when we are out of routine. The trick is to keep on track even when it feels tough to do so.

Hope this helps.

[velvet]

Hi JayKay

I believe that whatever works for a person taking control of an addiction is fine – you are definitely doing it your way, with support from your fellows on this forum and it is great to read.

What I like most is when those who are enjoying many months of gamble-free life write how little their triggers pop up – I remember when the CG in my family said that he was facing a life-time of daily committing to his recovery that I found the thought, for him, quite overwhelming. Seeing him now, many years on, with hundreds of ‘just for todays’ behind him there is no mention of gambling between us and I see a happy person living a full life. 

This thread is holding up a light at the end of the tunnel – keep posting, running and cooking, it sounds great.

Velvet

[JayKay82]

Thanks for you words of wisdom Velvet.

Another week down !

[JayKay82]

Hi Sara J, hope you are still on track ! Keep up the good work.

Just stopping in for my weekly post. Nothing to report really.

[JayKay82]

Another week down. Take care all.

[JayKay82]

One year and 5months from the day i last gambled. But who’s counting …….

[velvet]

Hi JayKay
I’m not counting as a result of reading you post but I am smiling
Well done
Velvet

[finding_laura]

So well done JayKay! So you run every night and prepare all your own meals. Do you like to cook or do you find it a chore? Perhaps if my family was open to trying some new food ideas I would enjoy cooking more. But who knows, maybe I’ll see if I can find a recipe site for picky eaters, lol. It might inspire me! Life is good for me too with no gambling on the agenda. Keep posting. It gives so much hope.

Laura

[JayKay82]

Thanks Laura & Velvet for your posts.

Laura, i suppose the point is, that it is not what i do, or what anyone else does to keep busy. Its whatever works for you. Its the power of your own perseverance to stay away.

When i think of gambling i think of times when i didn’t have the money to do the things i wanted. I remember stopping in for a burger one day with my other half and dreading that i didn’t have enough money in my account to pay for the meal. Its not only that i couldn’t pay, it was the fear of being found out for the addictive gambler i was, and then of course the questions and trying to help that would ensue. I don’t know if you are the same as me but i dont cope well with others trying to help. Of course if you need help, there must be something wrong with you, which of course there was.

I feel sick thinking about that day, but i can use that to stay away from the gambling and as a gentle reminder of where i dont want to be

[finding_laura]

good morning Jay. I’ve always been the helper. So accepting help of any sort always feels unnatural to me. I’m sure we all have a day like that we can remember. When things are going good in recovery we don’t spend a lot of time necessarily on “recovery stuff” like counseling or we ease off with our GA meetings. Having a memory we can pull out, hold up to the light, and remember where we don’t every want to go again, is a good reminder! Life just keeps getting better. Sometimes there will be some pretty awful stuff. But not gambling allows us to better handle those times. Keep up the awesome work.
Laura

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping in Laura. Hope all is well with you.

I often wonder about the people who use this websit when they are desperate and have “bottomed out” to the point of desperation, they will be gamble free for a week and think they are cured ? Maybe they dont think they really have a problem. I dont know, one thing i do know is that life is defo better on this side.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
Well done on your achievement and the progress you have made in life . I too remember that feeling of dread – imagine us working all week and then being unable to pay for a burger !

I have been gamble free for a much shorter while but I know I am far from cured -I still get urges; triggered mostly now by advertising on tv, and I know the only real thing between me and my next bet is my barriers.

I think. The fact that life becomes so much more fulfilling and happier really helps us to stay stopped – it is the best feeling to know that there is a little money behind me .

Please keep reminding us all of how well you are doing.

[JayKay82]

Thanks for stopping IDI. I hope you are doing very well. I’m nearly too busy to post anything these days, but im doing my small bit.

[finding_laura]

Great to see the check in Jay! I’m doing well. Just got home from a week long trip visiting with family. I’m busy living life and planning a future. Not stuck in that loop. To answer your previous question, i don’t know if people think they can lick it after a few weeks of recovery but I know I couldn’t. It took a few attempts and a hard bottom before I really found recovery. And a whole lot of help was required. Keep living life. Thanks for posting. _ Laura

[JayKay82]

Im glad you are doing well Laura. Seems we all stop when we bottom out. The trick is not to forget how bad things are when we do gamble i suppose. Looks like things are going well for you, keep it up !

[finding_laura]

I had a bit of temporary amnesia! It had lost its bite and sting after 5 and a half years of abstinence. I half heartedly sneaked around But I believe it’s been a year now again. I have to go back over my thread and find my date. It wasn’t one that stands out in my mind. However October 29, 2009 will always and forever be to me the day I hit bottom and stopped the vicious cycle. Don’t ever forget! I would love to read my original thread but GT couldn’t easily find it for me. Anyway, keep at JayKay, glad to see your posts! Laura

[Auteur]

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