[aalonnopo]

Hello, I’ve been reading this forum in read-only mode for about a year and just registered, thinking it’s time to create my own thread and share my sad life story. I warn you, it will be full of complaints and long text. Please don’t judge too harshly; I’m using Google Translate, so I hope it will be understandable. I really felt the need to vent somewhere since it’s anonymous and there’s no one else to talk to. Maybe it will make me feel better. I don’t blame anyone; I admit I am to blame and fully deserve the nightmares happening to me. It’s a pattern. But there are factors and circumstances I couldn’t influence, and I realized there’s no justice in this world. I won’t name names; I’m from Kazakhstan, 26 years old. My childhood was tough, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so I was initially prone to dependencies. I was never truly happy; naturally, I had constant thoughts of self-destruction, depression, apathy, disappointment, hopelessness, insecurity, and the realization of my own worthlessness. This is my default state, and I’ve become used to it. I put on a fake smile in public and pretend everything is fine. I read posts here and envy people. You have everything for happiness—good income; I saw a post about someone earning $90k a month and still squandering it, and another flying to Europe in first class specifically to gamble and lose tens of thousands of dollars in one evening. And most importantly, you have loved ones who support you, cover your debts—parents, a girlfriend, a wife, children, and friends, as is expected of normal people. I, in this regard, am very unlucky; I can only dream of such things, so appreciate what you have. When I was 10 years old, my mother died in front of my eyes from a severe form of cancer, suffering for 2 years. We lived in a village—just my mother, stepfather, and a half-sister from the stepfather. I saw my biological father only a couple of times; he was imprisoned. After my mother’s death, my aunt took guardianship of me and brought me to her family in the city because my stepfather treated me poorly, and my mother had planned all this before her death, asking her sister to take me away from him. Unfortunately, I lost touch with my half-sister. As a child, I dreamed of living in the city, but not this way. Naturally, all this affected my psyche; from a cheerful child, I became a closed-off, insecure, unsocial, introverted person with low self-esteem. I’ve always liked to dream, to escape reality, and even from childhood, I tried to alter my consciousness. Later, social phobia intensified. I think that’s why I still don’t have friends, girlfriends, or a partner. I dream of my own family, but I understand that in my position, it’s impossible. I really have no one; I am absolutely alone. I had a friend from school, by the way, who taught me to gamble. I don’t blame him; I made my own choices. However, our communication has collapsed, and I’ve lost touch with relatives a long time ago. Everything was standard for me—school, college, army. I don’t understand my profession, I haven’t worked (as an electrician). I entered that field not by my own choice but as a formality suggested by relatives. At that time, I didn’t know what I wanted from life and who I wanted to be. I still haven’t found myself, and I don’t understand the meaning of life, why I was born. I even regret being born. I don’t have the courage for self-destruction yet, so I have to live and suffer. Loneliness, honestly, eats away at me from the inside; when you have no one to hang out with or even talk to, it deeply hurts, and you feel your uselessness in this world. In the end, at 21, my aunt kicked me out of the house, but still, thanks to her for everything. They sold the house, bought an apartment in another city, and left. I was left here with absolutely nothing. Since then, I’ve been wandering through dormitories and doing dirty jobs—construction, warehouses, and so on—to provide myself with food and shelter. At the moment, I’m in a complete mess, deep in debt, and I think the reasons are clear. I’m currently unemployed, lost my job, searching, and have no place to live because I squandered all my money. I don’t know where I’ll sleep; maybe I’ll go to the airport or train station. I think it’s better to go somewhere for rotational work, as it provides housing and food, and maybe I can quit my dependency there. I’ve been on the waiting list for an apartment for years as an orphan, but you’ll never get it; the queue isn’t moving. There were times when I could go 2 days without eating, and if I had 3000 tenge, I’d choose to place a bet and lose it rather than buy food. It’s rock bottom; I went hungry. I initially knew that I wouldn’t earn there, not being stupid, I played for the emotions. Just to get my drug-like dose of illusionary happiness, which I lacked so much in real life. I liked the adrenaline rush, the feeling of escaping reality into virtuality. You forget about everything. Betting is evil, quit it, guys. I am a living example of rock bottom. Money has always come to me with hard work, and still, I ended up in such a miserable state. I don’t know what to do; I want to howl from the pain. Thank you if you read this to the end and don’t judge too harshly.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[iamhere]

Hi over there,

I read every word you wrote. I don’t have many words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know I read your words. And I feel your despair.

Can you get a job working as an electrician there? You’re 26 and with a solid plan and some hard work you can get out of the debt. Gambling has to stop.

We are all struggling with something, we are all here because we have the same problem. Knowing we are not alone gives us hope.

[deji]

it would have been a lie if I would say that your story is not touching but then let us understand what we meant by coming out from a pit or a debt of gambling it means you would take a new turn starting from where you stop. it means that you should be engaged at least with something with something that can sustain you because if you would not do anything just for the sake of not getting money and not using the money for gambling and so blah blah blah, you would be affected you will frustrated you’ll be depressed. just be engaged right

[Forfatter]

Innlegg