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I really don’t know how when or where to begin, but I am willing to give it my best effort..
I know many people prefer to remain anonymous and not really provide much info about themselves, but I think it is important to give you a bit of insight and perspective on myself, so I will share a few details..
I am currently 51 years old (but feel like I am about 25 years younger – at least in my mind), originally form Brooklyn, NY, but now living in the Philippines for about the last 6 years.
I never imagined that my life would turn out this way. No one really says “I am going to become a gambler when I grow up.” A doctor or a lawyer, or an architect or an engineer yes, but never a gambler.
So where or how did this life begin for me? Funny enough, I can remember it as clearly as though it was just yesterday. I was about 20 years old and with my 2 best friends and their dad one Saturday afternoon and we were passing a local OTB parlor (Off Track Betting for horse racing) in Queens. Their dad wanted to bet on the Belmont Stakes. I won my first bet and so it began…I became so infatuated with betting (gambling) from that point. While it was just a passing fad for them, it was just the start for me..
If I fast forward to today, I can say that in many ways I should still consider myself blessed and fortunate. I have a new family, a 2nd wife and two small children, all who I truly love deeply and mean the world to me. I still have a roof over my head, a beautiful and large house I own, a car, and a few other material things of note. I have a steady source of income which for most people should be enough to lead a happy life and save a bit for the future.
Over the years, I have lost many things, besides money, due to my gambling problems. I do not want to think about what I would have become or achieved, or how much I would have saved or invested, if I did not squander it all on gambling. It hurts to think about the people who believed so much in me and trusted and loved me, esp my parents, who are now both deceased. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and so much more, that I have disappointed so many people and abused their trust and friendship. I have indeed lost so many of these good people and my relationships with them will never be the same as it was before, another painful reality. I have had to swallow my pride too often to sometimes ask financial help from them, or anyone else, much to their initial shock and surprise, and later to their anger and/or said disappointment.
Often I hate to look at myself in the mirror and the person I have become, all due to gambling. I have had to lie, cheat and steal to either find money for gambling or survive after heavy losses due to gambling. At first, the excitement, rush and thrill of gambling was such an intense high, or even just the propect or thought of gambling. I knew that things were getting out of hand years ago when it almost seemed like winning or losing was not as important as just the act of gambling itself.
Maybe many of you know the feeling of losing your friends and relatives, or being ignored and looked down upon, because of gambling. The hushed voices, the whispers, the looks in peoples eyes when they see you, etc, etc. I can’t tell you how much this hurts – the fact that many of these indivduals at one time respected and trusted you and now that is gone forever. Yet, there is no one to blame but myself, and to live with these consequences.
In recent years, my gambling has really gotten worse to the point that large sums of money in my hands would be gone in a matter days. Small wins at the local casino would just bring me back to play and play, until my luck would run out and all was lost. Even if I knew this would ultimately be the outcome over and over again, I still would find myself returning to gamble on a daily basis. It’s like if you can look into a crystal ball and see your future, and even if it is a negative result, you still go down the same path and don’t do anything to change course. The money that I lost obviously could have been put to much better use, but I never think about that in the middle of gambling.
Mornings are a hard time for me and I often lay in bed feeling fear, regret and uncertainty about my future. I guess if it were just me I had to think about it may be a bit easier to deal with, but now I have a family to also protect and to provide for. It is because of them and my love for them that I find the courage and strength to be here now and share these thoughts and feelings with you.
Yes, I want to still WIN AT LIFE desite the bad start I have had due to my gambling addiction. I readily admit that I have a problem, but want to seek help and support to change my life and make others around me happy, especially my family.
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Hi JT, welcome to the forum and well done on looking for help.
Read the other stories here, you will see a lot that you will relate to. You will also read the success stories – what are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?
You will see how barriers can help, particularly in the early days. I don’t know the gambling regulations in the Phillipines, is it possible to get yourself excluded from the casino you usually go to?
Financial barriers help as well. You have mentioned family, I am sure your wife will be delighted to help, make yourself accountable. Removing that easy, instant, unaccountabel access to funds makes it harder to place our next bet. Just carry the money you need on a daily basis.
I see that there are also Gamblers Anonymous meetings in the Phillipines, getting to a meeting would be another good form of support.
Keep posting, let us know the positive steps that you are taking.
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Hi JT,
I thought I would post on here again as it has your original story.
I see you have started several threads. I would recommend just sticking with the one. that way peole know where they can give you feedback and support. It also means that your story is all in one place for you to look back on as you progress in recovery. Sadly having several threads started means that most will sink without a trace.
To keep a thread running just post in the box at the bottom and clikc on save.
You might want to copy and paste your other posts here as well so that you have everything in the one place.
Good luck in recovery, one day at a time.
Maybe copy
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Hi JT.
I wanted to say Hi and welcome but I didn’t know which thread to post on.
It takes a while to get the hang of things here but for now I will just say, I have read all your posts.
Well done on reaching out for support.
It’s never too late.
Gambling has the potential to ruin us so why take the risk.
Keep posting. -
Thanks very much for your replies and taking the time to read a few of my recent posts.
As you suggested Charles, it makes more sense to just stick with one thread and just keep a running dialogue going.
There are not any GA groups in my part of the Phils (I’m about an hour away from Manila by plane btw) as of now. Although I honestly don’t know if I would go, as I prefer the anonymity of just being online.
I am actively reading your messages, so please also keep posting.
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Reading some posts here recently got me to thinking about the subject of being able to plan and save for the future when you are a gambler.
Short answer: of course this is impossible to do.
Personally, whenever I would hear (or overhear) people talking about setting money aside to buy a new house, or for their kids’ educational fund, or to purchase a new car, go on a long vacation, etc., etc..I would feel disappointment and sadness when I thought about my own situation.
I wanted to scream aloud “Yes, I want to do and enjoy these things too, but I can’t because I waste my money gambling!”
On a related note, purchasing anything using a monthly installment plan is the worst idea for a gambler. For non-gamblers this is a great idea, but when you gamble you don’t know how much money you will ever have in your pocket day-to-day let alone how much you will have every month. I can’t tell you how many installment plans I have had to reneg on. It’s always pay cash in full for me..so my future money could be focused nearly 100% on gambling without having to worry about another pesky expense.
Yet, going back to the original topic, I want to be able to get excited about my future and my family’s future.If I cannot do this for myself, then I want to change and motivate myself to do it for them.
I want to give them the best this life has to offer and not to lead a s****y existence because of my selfishness to continue gambing for no other reason than my personal pleasure.
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Just read your post on Dan’s thread, JT.
I didn’t ever have the pleasure/opportunity/misfortune to experience the highs/lows/ of glamorous Vegas. (Lots of people I know go on holidays there).
All I needed to wreck my life was a few old fashioned low tec slot machines in dingy arcade cum casinos in any town that I could reach fast enough by car.
A CG will settle for very little to achieve the buzz, in the end
“for no other reason than personal pleasure” as you say.
Gambling is one hell of a SELFISH habit.
Recovery has to be somewhat selfish too. -
Great points Vera.
I also have been at the low end of the gambling spectrum..driving to rinky dink towns or to an Indian casino in the middle of nowhere. And I would often find myself asking among other things: “Why are you doing this?” Driving hours and hours for what I already know will be a less than quality gambling experience and probably telling a few lies along the way.
You are so right in that our recovery from gambling has to be somewhat selfish too. I never thought about it in that way yet, but it is indeed spot on.
Please keep posting..
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Gambling always brings us to a low level.
I often felt I would have been better off if I had been raped, mugged and molested . At least I wouldn’t have had to spend the drive home convincing myself I had a great night out! First hand torture and self destruction.
Who in God’s name wants that sort of Life?
We were very SICK people masquerading as big shots!
What’s done is done JT.
The best we can do now is keep our focus on TODAY.
Just for today, I will not gamble! -
I agree Vera that we live in the PRESENT and forget (or do not constantly dwell on) the past. We also cannot get too optimistic about the future- at least when it comes to our recovery.
That’s why I try not to “*****” time that passed without gambling, whether it is days, weeks, or months. When we *****, it is like our subconscious telling us it is only a matter of time before we will go back to our old ways.
When we can focus less on *****ing and more on just celebrating being here today and enjoying this time..well this is truly winning.
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Better to use “adding up” than “c o u n ting”.
I used to spend ALL NIGHT LONG adding and subtracting, money I lost and owe.
I only do it occasionally now. I keep small notes in my purse I love counting them Its different than c o u n t ing Spent /gambled money…
nite for now
Bed time
My gambling dreams/nightmares come less often too.
They were almost as scary as the reality! -
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As a compulsive gambler, I always have a fear of not being able to keep (hold) money for very long. Although this fear never prevented me from gambling in the past.
If I could hope or wish for one thing, it would be to be able to trust myself with money. To not continue to have this feeling that the money is burning a hole in my pocket until I can get to the casino to gamble.
I guess for now as some of you have said, it may be better to turn finances over to someone else. In my case, I have married again and my new wife is much younger than I am. If it were not for my gambling, I would say that I am smarter, and more knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to money. However, because of my gambling, I don’t really have a problem to turn most of my finances over to my wife.
I know that she would make better decisions and put the money to better use than I would..at least for now.
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Its a great idea JT, does your wife know about your gambling? (sorry I havnt read your other threads).
Ive always known the most sensible thing is to get someone to look after my money, I started to do so a couple of months ago.
I havn’t gambled since, and neither have I wanted to. Its a hole many cg’s keep open in an otherwise watertight recovery, why?
No coincidence then that most of us that don’t get a hand with our finances eventually f*** things up sooner or later, and have to start again. Again.
You know it makes sense I am of a similar age to you, I used to share all my life on this forum over quite a long period. One thing I didnt do despite the regular gambling escapades was hand over my finances to somebody I trusted and who wouldn’t dupe me. Its up to you as to how you want to proceed but it sounds as though you’d try anything to quit gambling. Lots of people say similar but will try to find reasons not to take certain steps .
My advice is to take action now and get as many barriers in place, including the handing of financies.
Geordie
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I really appreciate your taking the time to reply and to offer me sound advice.
Indeed, I have been gambling for years, but probably for close to 20 of those years I never even thought I had a problem..or at least one that I could not control. Consequently, I also then never considered turing over my finances to another person.
The times that I would be lucky enough to win at the race track or casino I would just keep all of the money in my wallet. I never was really interested in buying anything (at least for myself) becasue in the back of my mind I wanted to have more money available when I would soon be returning
to gamble.All these things that “smart” people would do in this situation such as putting the money in your bank account, paying off any pending bills or expenses early, making some improvements to your home or fixing up your car, going shopping or taking a mini vacation…I would never do.
So like a sucker, I go back to gamble and of course there will come a time when my luck runs out (there ALWAYS comes this time lol). What do I do as CG? Naturally instead of walking out with most of the money still in my pocket, I CHASE even the smallest loss and then CHASE some more and continue to CHASE and CHASE until my wallet is empty.
As hard to believe as it may seem, I have only recently realized the importance of keeping large sums of money out of my possession. I am clearly a STUPID & SLOW guy.
The thought I use to motivate myself (to help make it easier to turn over money to my wife without having any doubts or fear) is that it is better to throw my wallet out into the street rather than for me to follow my same behavior of squandering the funds gambling. Most likely, the person who finds my wallet will put the money to better use than I would. When I think about it in this light, I am now running to give the money to my wife lol. Even if she would spend the money foolishly at the mall or someplace elese (which I am pretty confident that she would not do), it again is still better than what I would do.
I have enjoyed at times over the years and this was all about ME and my WANTS and DESIRES. I think it is time for me to SACRIFICE (but ultimately this should not considered a sacrifice, but rather a CHANGE) and PRIORITIZE my wife and family and taking care of their needs and making them happy.
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The past few weeks have been rough after several big losses at the casino. Nothing new, sad to say. Then the typical feelings of regret, disappointment, hate, self pity, sadness, fear and loneliness. What’s worse is causing my family to suffer. Not being able to do much on the weekends and then making up a story about having to pay extra for some new expense. I see in my wife’s eyes (and in my 2 very small kids) how much they love and trust in me. This is what really breaks my heart.
Well the better news is in a few days I will again be receiving a good amount of money. I want things to be different this time around. I want to learn from my lessons of the past and practice what I preach and turn over these funds to my wife. I don’t want to ever second guess myself or feel like I am missing gambling. Instead, I want to take comfort and find joy in seeing the smiles on the faces of my family. Going to the mall, eating at a nice restaurant, taking a short weekend trip, an afternoon at the beach..things that most famlies do..I want to do these things instead of gambling.
I’d like to be able to plan and set goals for the future. I actually think I have the knowledge to start up a new business, and if I don’t gamble, I would also have the financial resources to do so.
I know..this is all hot air for now and actions always speak louder than words..so please say a prayer for me and wish me well.
Thanks.
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I have been breathing on this planet for more than 51 years now, and upon reflection, I realize how truly blessed and fortunate I have been and still am.
I use the word fortunate as opposed to luck as luck implies gambling..esp in our world. No CG in the end is ever lucky and we all know it is just a matter of time until we lose.
While I have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, other notable assets, my first marriage, many friends and relatives, business opportunities and time..I can’t believe that I am not out on the street without a penny to my name by now.
I have my parents to thank for taking care of me well beyond the time they should, the security and comfort of close friends and family and a fairly decent education that allowed me to have an above average job and earnings. I also realize that many other CGs may not have been as fortunate.
So long story short, I want to make up for lost time, and as I said in an earlier post, I feel like I am 51 going on 21. Both in a good and bad way I suppose, but I choose to think of my glass as half full..
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Hi JT,
I don’t know when you are expecting that money is expected to arrive but I would recommend making sure your wife knows about, and that you are planning on letting her have it, it BEFORE it arrives. Then you are less likely to get tempted when it does.
We talk about giving partners etc “control of our money.” In reality we are doing the opposite – by being accountable we regain more control of our money ourselves than we ever had when we were gambling.
keep posting.
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JT, I can’t reiterate Charles’ advice loudly enough regarding your expected sum of money.
I won’t go into details here. Anyone who knows my tale of woe will know I ignored advice in relation to a “lump sum”.
‘Thought I had already learned every lesson. ‘Said “I wouldn’t dream in a million years of gambling this money” (which was my last chance of financial security). …..
Suffice to say , it vanished in less than a week.
Tell your wife BEFORE it arrives .
By the way , does she know you’re a CG?? -
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You’re a fighter. As am I. Too bad we fight ourselves.
That’s okay, it’s an even match with knowledge in the ‘don’t gamble’ corner.
I believe I need many character traits and positive affirmation in my battle against whatever the hell this is…and this particular quote caught my eye. It’s not grand. Pretty simplistic, but spot-fucking on:
“A river cuts through rock not because of its power, but because of its persistence.”
There is this little river that cut through sandstone and tossed rock. They call it the Grand Canyon. It didn’t give up because it was formed by nature.
Aren’t we too part of nature?
Try and hang tough, brother. I will try as well.
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I appreciate the advice and support Dan.
I find your messages to be beautiful, brutally honest, insightful and sincere..all at the same time. Please keep posting and I pray and hope for your continued strength and success.
As of late, I am slowly realizing that time is on my side, and not my enemy. Just the other day, it so was nice to spend the afteroon at home kind of at peace and reflecting on my life. I was so happy to have fun time with my 2 little ones (my girl is about 15 months and my boy will be turning 3 this May) and “discovering” that I could get used to this.
That I didn’t have to rush to do anything..especially gamble.
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I appreciate the advice and support Dan.
I find your messages to be beautiful, brutally honest, insightful and sincere..all at the same time. Please keep posting and I pray and hope for your continued strength and success.
As of late, I am slowly realizing that time is on my side, and not my enemy. Just the other day, it so was nice to spend the afteroon at home kind of at peace and reflecting on my life. I was so happy to have fun time with my 2 little ones (my girl is about 15 months and my boy will be turning 3 this May) and “discovering” that I could get used to this.
That I didn’t have to rush to do anything..especially gamble.
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“The money has arrived!” quoting Walter Matthau’s character in the original version of “The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”.
I just hope and pray that things will be better this time around. That I will be both strong and smart enough to do the things I know I should do. The things that I have been rehearsing in my mind over and over again, along with the useful advice from so many of our here.
Please wish me …no, not luck..but rather success.
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and so am I.
Well so far so good with the money..I DID turn it all over to the Mrs. and am only thinking positively about this move.
I felt GREAT waking up this morning and like the weight of the world was lifted off of my chest. This is hopefully the first of many rewards and positive benefits to be gained by sayng NO to gambling.
Tomorrow is never promised and nothing in this life is certain..except for death and taxes lol…but perhaps it is my small little VICTORY for today and something to BUILD on.
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Well done JT.
Even at times when I “hoped and prayed” money would be safe , I always set some money aside. Even when I handed over money I still kept a little stash ” just in case money”.
My advice is to tell your wife NOT to give you any money under any circumstances.
Does she understand you are a CG?
Can she go to Gamanon?
CGs can charm the birds from the trees, JT. Your wife could be easily tricked. Can you put that money in an account which will require two signatures when you want to make withdrawals?
I’m not judging you JT but when I left myself open with a large amount of money it vanished. It was too late then. -
No offense taken Vera..now and in the future..please always feel free to be frank lol.
My wife knows I am gambler yes..but perhaps she doesn’t know or realize the extent to which I once gambled. I have no problems to tell her all though and I have been thinking about doing this soon enough.
Excellent point about CGs being top notch charmers when we need to be.
I also considered your thought on opening a bank account that requires 2 signatures to withdraw funds (an “AND” account instead of the more common “OR” account). Oddly enough, when I was thinking straight (and not consumed by gambling) I already proposed this idea to my wife to help control our spending. A “AND” account with NO credit or debit cards attached to it. Basically, we would both have to go to the bank together and make an over the counter withdrawal..making it as inconvenient as possible to take money out of the account.
There are currently no programs like GA, etc., in the area where I live fyi. I did join GA in the past in another place, but I prefer this website to be honest.
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Well, it seems like forever that I have not posted here, so I was surprised that in reality it has only been about 4 days. Is it true that time moves so slowly when we are not gamblling compared to when we are?
Happy to report that I have not gambled and the urge to gamble is subsiding. As mentioned before, I did try to put up a few barriers to make it more difficult to gamble and easier to resist the temptation. My wife is in charge of my money and I have no compliants.
Healing is indeed a slow process with plenty of time for reflection. I would be lying if I said all of my thoughts were positve, but I can also honesty say that the majority of them were.
I am gradually starting to think about saving money and planning for my family’s future. A big step for me.
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