[Dark Energy]

this is my 3rd journal here, it is a long journey but I have reached a point where I have tried everything to recover on my own, and I failed time and time again. I have tried barriers and create more of them each time I relapse but eventually, all the barriers that I create break down.
I have tried to focus on paying debt, I paid it almost to zero, then as soon as I start saving money I relapsed and piled debt again, and now my debt reached a huge amount ( i need 4 years to pay it back). it is almost 7 years since I get hooked on day trading, and 4 years of recovery trials. but I failed time and time again.
I am still in the same place, just I am getting older and the hole that I am digging in myself is getting deeper.

what I learned over the years is that I can’t do it on my own, I have to be open about my addiction with a family member, and I can’t keep hiding. this thing is the only thing that I didn’t try yet. it is a huge move but comparing this with the alternatives “digging a deeper hole, staying in my location, or suicide “I think it is worth trying.

today is Day#2, I need to plan how to break this to my family, I am living abroad alone and this is putting all the recovery load on me and I have a hard time handling money, do you think breaking it to a friend who is living near me will be better?

it is either to break my image to my family or to friends?
any advice here because I am entering new territories here I don’t know what to do. or how to do it. should I say everything or should I break it slowly, should I do it now, should I wait for at least a month of being free of gambling, and my withdrawal symptoms are gone.

any advice, please.

[Losingitslowly]

I dont know what will work for you that you havent already tried so maybe it is worth talking to the friend that lives close to you and see what help they think they can offer. Telling your family may be a deterrent at first, but if they are not in your life on a daily basis it will be hard to use them as a block. I thought that if I told my sister the shame would be enough to turn me straight but it didnt work. She doesnt know what I do and we are all good at hiding things from others, so it’s easy to hide gambling if we continue. I decided to embrace all of my debt with open eyes and now paying it down is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. For now. I’m not sure how I will feel when it is paid but it is something that I will be keeping an eye on. I find that after the first 33 days gamble free I relapsed but not gambling after that now is easier. It’s like the pattern has been broken and the fog has been lifted. If you can get through 30 days again then perhaps you start something new to distract your brain until the fog lifts. There is no answer that is easy other than starting back at day one and trying harder the next time. Perhaps you focus on debt, keep no money to gamble AT ALL, and if it takes you 4 years then you are gamble free for 4 years! Or if you save money, put it into an investment that you cannot liquidate easily to gamble when the urge hits you. I, for one, keep no money handy at all in the bank since I know I draw from my bank account to gamble. I pay all my Bill’s weekly as soon as the money from work hits the account. I take out cash for groceries so I cant gamble that. I am focusing on living on as little as possible so that my energy is redirected. It is what works for me. A little suffering can go a long way to keep you focused on the long path ahead. Dont give up because you have the answer in your head, you just have to find it.

[jvr3419]

Hey dark energy. I’m glad you realize.you can’t do it alone that’s a really important step in recovery. Getting honest is also really important to heal from addiction. I was upfront with my partner and my friends right away about my addiction within the first 2 weeks I noticed gambling became a problem 2 years ago. That helped me stay away from it before I had my 2 month relapse last year. Because people new they were able to help see my behaviors which forced me to get more help than what i already tried. Keeping it to ourselves is part of still being in the sick cycle. I did tell my family eventually but it took me a bit because i was afraid of the backlash and shame. They were more supportive than I thought and it forced me to look more at what was causing such destructive behaviors in very short periods of time. Addiction is harder to stop the longer it progresses as we all no. But telling someone close is definitely part of the healing process.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Losingitslowly,
thank you for the reply, I have focused on paying debt and I paid it then I piled it up again. without money no urges with money the urges come.
this is the problem, I am living abroad I need money as a backup, you need to save money for a car for a better future, for emergency for marriage..etc and I can’t do it. I can’t save money because once I save some amount then at the first relapse I will lose it all, I have done this many times.
I don’t know what to do I am really in a miss, 2 years ago I got myself to 6 months free of gambling I was focused on paying debt then but once I start saving money I relapsed 12 times or more and piled debt again.
the problem is how to control money because, to be frank, we can work hard and get money but once we have it how to save it from the gamblers inside us.

I have tried to buy a good car as a protection for my money, end up selling it after six months, I have tried to invest, I cash it out, recently I have tried to buy gold better than keeping it as cash on my account it ends up now I have to sell it to continue this month.

it is a money control problem no money no urges but on the other hand no money no progress in life.
I manage millions in my work but I can’t manage hundreds in personal money.

[Dark Energy]

hi Jvr,
thank you for the encouraging words, I have to do this step it is the last step, I have done everything I can do on my own and I failed. I need support from outside.

[brenda01]

Hello! I found telling my family embarrassing but I needed just that to make me accountable.

I think of all the money I have spent that I now owe, it makes me sick

[Losingitslowly]

Hey dark,
You must do what will work for you but dont think that telling them will be the end. Many of the posts you see online tell of how people have confided to their loved ones and they still continue to gamble in secret. It makes it even more shameful but somehow we learn to live with that as well!!! You will come to a point when you can no longer do it. Mine was when I had to really face all of my debt. I was a frugal, fiscally responsible person for my whole life and when I took a good, scary look at what I had done to myself financially, and when I had to borrow money from my sister to try to get back up to par, that was enough for me (eventually, not right away,) There will be a point that will push you to your brink. It will happen and if it happens when you tell your family, great. I hope that you find your way to be gamble free and start all over again.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Brenda
yes it is embarrassing and because of that I kept it hidden till now, but I think it is a good step to add an external factor to the equation.

Hi losingitslowly,
well, agree with what you said, it is true, but I think letting them know, and giving them the financial control at least partially, will be a safety net that will prevent me from ruining everything more, or ruining it again after rebuilding.
I really don’t mind if I lose 100$ or 1000$ once every few months in a relapse, but what really breaks me is this downward spiral that will leave me penniless each time I relapse. maybe I will not be able to be completely free of gambling for the rest of my life, but I need to deal with it I need to LIVE. I need to have savings as back up I need to progress financially and in every aspect of my life. really losing a 100$ will not put me back. but if everything on my control I am damn sure I will lose everything I had once I relapse, I have done it many times.

today is Day#3, still, I didn’t inform my family I am thinking of a way to do it gradually, today I started gradually with one of my friends I gave him minor information about me having an addiction issue, but without any elaboration about how deeply it impacted me.

anyhow, I will search for an online meeting because I really need one or multiple to be included as a routine every week.

[jvr3419]

Hey darkenergy I just saw a few posts you wrote and I’m so happy to see you writing alot and your posts show you get what’s going on with yourself. If I recall were about the same age so I feel alot of hope for you as we both still have a chance to make a decent life for ourselves. You got this my friend keep it up ??

[Dark Energy]

Hi JVR, thank you for the support, I hope so, if we keep trying I am sure we will do it right at some point.

I am still remembering a post I shared previously in the 2nd thread about a homeless drug addict in his 30s who recovered and now he is a millionaire and living a wonderful life.
below is the link, if you missed it, it is inspiring.
yes, it is drug addiction, not gambling but all are the same in case of self-destruction, and at least I am in a better situation than where he started.
I am sure there is a lot like him but I have stumbled upon this one.

[jvr3419]

Definitely a cool story thanks for sharing. I went down the drugs and alcohol path to. Not as bad but luckily I quit all that at 24. I’ve seen alot of stories like his in the recovery rooms over the years. Maybe not as financial successful but much better lives come out of good recovery. It’s definitely possible with hard work and discipline.

[Dark Energy]

Day#4,
back to work, productivity is still low, but at least I manage to do some tasks.
tomorrow I need to back to GYM, and after another week I am planning to start a strict diet.
no progress about the coming out to the family and friends.
that’s it for today.

[Dark Energy]

hi JVR,
glad to hear that you have overcome the drug addiction early, I hope you will overcome this addiction as well.
I think it is something that should give you self-confidence that you have done it once in the past and you can do it again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#5

[Dark Energy]

Day#6

[Dark Energy]

I have just added youtube to my web blocker software the software will block it for 4 hrs from the time I came back from work till 2 hrs before my sleeping time, this is for one week period, I hope I can be more productive and doing what I really have to do instead of setting on the couch and watching youtube for hours, and the time passes without doing what I have planned to do.
it seems I have many types of addictions to take care of.

[Dark Energy]

Day#7,
1 week passed, and no progress about opening up to my family, still my productivity is low, and my motivation to do the smallest thing is low.
In a week I will receive some money I need to plan ahead on how to distribute it, it should not stay in my account for more than 2 days otherwise the temptations will start.

Overall I am not feeling that low, but I am not motivated, it took me 3 hrs today to convince myself to move from the bed and go to work, I have registered in the gym before the last relapse but I am not able to get my self to go to the gym.
My be I need one more week so my dopamine levels will back to an acceptable range.

[charles]

Hi DE, It can help to tell your family.

Whoever you tell it is important to not just present them with the problem – show them what you are going to DO about it. The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that can help rebuild trust and give them cause to beleve that “Hey, Maybe he is really trying to stop now.” My family certainly had no reason to believe a word I said Until they could see I was going to GA, asked them to help with accountability etc

I would tell them now – by doing that and getting the help with the accountability you are more likely to be successful in getting to that gamble free month.

I lived away from home but there are still ways to be accountable. I had all bank statements sent to my mum’s address, had money transferrd to her account, so I couldnt access it then drip fed back to me as I needed it. These days with internet banking we can be pretty much instantly accountable even to someone on the opposite side of the world.

Don’t drip feed it, come completely clean. If you drip feed it them they wont know when you have finished dripping, will always be waiting for the next revelation. Also, if something you have kept hidden emerges then any trust earned will go out of the window even if you are doing everything else right.

Show them this site – we also have a friends and family forum and groups – they can see how to help you and also get support for themselves.

Want to save for a car/marriage etc – those arent short term things, put that money in an account you can’t access. You bought then had to sell cars in the past? Give the ovwnership documents needed to seel thhe car to whoever helps you with the accountability.

You want an online meeting? Check the group schedule here. There is also support at https://gamblersinrecovery.com Its online zoom meetings around the world – with different time zones its pretty much 24/7

Keep posting and let us know what positive stepsa you are taking, maybe see you in a group soon.

[Dark Energy]

hi Charles,
thanks for your support and advice. I am planning to inform my family and I will do it just I am thinking about how to inform them.
as you said this will be a very important step in my recovery. I run out of options and this is the only way forward.

[velvet]

Hi DE

Charles is right, loved ones cannot support unless they know what the problem is – but it is easier for them when you are seeking help and trying to change.

Loved ones often feel

Guilt because they hadn’t noticed there was a problem;

Failure because they assume that it is possibly their fault.

Confusion about what to do now they have the knowledge but do not understand what it means, or what to do next.

Knowledge gives us all power over matters that confuse us.

Hearing a loved one has a gambling problem can often results in very harsh words being said, due to natural ignorance.

It is what happens next that matters.

It took me months to adjust to the information that my son was a compulsive gambler and I doubt I handled it well at all at the beginning. I went to Gam-Anon which is the sister group of Gamblers Anonymous. I educated myself at the beginning and went on to further education to help myself and ultimately my son. However, it was my son who helped me to understand more than anybody else what a gambling addiction really means and you have that insight, help them as gently as you can – you will need patience.

I facilitate the Friends and Family groups here and I would be delighted to welcome anybody you felt would benefit from understanding that support means everything to a gambler who wants to change his/her life.

If you choose to tell friends first, I think it is important that you tell them that you are already seeking and getting help but you would like their support but not opinions. Sadly, opinions can often be ignorant and unhelpful even if they are understandable

Keep posting. My son changed his life 15 years ago and lives a wonderful, gamble-free life. I had to learn that he had to learn to trust me. Loved ones don’t always get it right but unless we are told there is nothing we can do.

I wish you well

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by velvet.

[maverick.]

Hi Dark Energy,
You are doing great, you keep coming back and sharing and that is massively important to a person’s recovery, never stop trying to stop, always keep coming back no matter what, your shares are a true inspiration and encouragement to many people me included, it is a work in progress but if we really want to stop thats all that matters.

Keep going Dark Energy as always one day at a time.

Take care and my very best to you my friend, thankyou for always sharing.

Wish you well.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10
2 digits again ” is a typical comment that I wrote many times, anyhow I hope this time will be just a step on the road to the 3 digits, I didn’t reach 3 digit number for 2 years.

@ Valvet,
thanks for your support and post, what you wrote about you and your son is inspiring, I wish you both all the best.
and to be honest with you, informing my family was always in the back of my head, but I was planning to tell them after sorting out this issue and after recovering financially, I always thought that ok I will save some money first and get my addiction under control and only then I will be in a good position to inform them so the pain and sadness that I will bring to them will be much less.
but that day never comes, I am realising I need their support now more than ever. having said that, still, I didn’t break it down to them yet, it is a really hard step to take, to be honest after this period of relapses and suffering that the gambling brought to me I grow a thick skin, the shame and loss of trust (on my side of the equation) is really secondary I can bear it, I have done what I have done and I deserve it, but the thought that by informing them I will bring all this pain and sadness to them is unbearable.
I know I have to do it but I need to do it slowly and wisely.

@ Maverick
thank you for the encouraging words, this is the only way that we have, we have to stand up and fight again, even if we are fighting something stronger than us, at least we have the courage to stand up and fight again, and the hope that we will finally win.
I hope all the best to you my friend, this is a tough addiction, but the stories of those who fight back and win this fight should encourage us to do the same. and there are many of those here in this forum, I can recall some members who really succeeded, you can read their posts here for example I-did-it or GRC and others as well. it is possible to do it. we should not stop trying.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#11,
I am motivated and my mood is good, the withdrawal symptoms are gone.
I need to work more on my recovery, I had some thoughts about investing in the market the last two days, but what I learned is investing will lead me to do day trading so I am not going to take this risk.

[risingphoenix]

Stay at it DE. Soon you’ll be at 20 then 50, 100 days and then years of being gambling free. It all starts with one day at a time.

Don’t be tempted by the markets, fast rises and falls. Try not to even look at the tickers, news etc for weeks at a time. I know certain days the prospect of making money in markets is very real but you know that it is a fleeting moment and once you attempt to trade you get sucked into the vortex that will ruin your account.

Rather, Invest in yourself, learn a new skill, focus on your career. Soon you’ll end up earning more through your day job than you would’ve ever imagined.

Believe me, I have been in your exact shoes. Opening up to family is what has helped me. I am no where near to fixing my issue but I can see I am improving and being Gamble free. It is not easy but it must be done. You have to be vulnerable to those who can actually help you. Those ppl are your family!

Also, if you cannot let your family handle it, go to a financial advisor and hand them your entire money and future salary and let them manage it for you without any of your regular intervention.

[Dark Energy]

Day#12,

hi raisingphoenix,
thanks for your support, and I really agree with your advice to stop watching the charts and news, but it is quite hard to do so, everyone around me at work and with friends this subject is being discussed, about the markets, crypto, and the opportunity that we are in a down market and it is the good entry point “which it is true from my perspective”, but I am an addict and I know once I start investing on my own, there is no issue with investing but in my case, I can’t hold it as an investment it is a matter of weeks before I start doing day trading then leveraged trading which is gaming,
I have to do something to avoid such temptations, but it is quite hard to avoid even if I didn’t open the charts or watched the news, this is a topic that will be opened many times across the day by my colleagues and friends, I have to find a way to avoid such discussions.

@ nkalei79, you wrote awaiting moderation? there is no moderation, we are beyond this point, it is either to stop completely or not.

@ Kin,
so you think there is an issue with getting rich!! please inlight me. and please don’t refer to some book written 2000 years ago or 1400 years ago.

[Dark Energy]

Day#14,
for the last 2 days, I was watching the charts, I has an urge to “invest” but this urge is gone now, I know it is my addictive brain trying to find a way to gamble, and investing is just a trojan horse that will lead me to day trade and gamble again.

I have added the site that I was following the charts on to my web-blocker software, so no more charts checking.
it is worth notice even though I didn’t relapse, I was not in my normal mental state during this period, I was quite occupied by that thoughts, and I didn’t do the tasks that I planned to do during these days, this could be related to urges or maybe it is just laziness.
anyhow two weeks passed so far and I hope this recovery will continue.

[nkalei79]

If you have someone you can trust who will help to support you, you should tell them. I did. I was embarrassed, scared and depressed but I shared my addiction with my husband and best friend and am happy that they chose to support me. I am only now starting to look for ways to stop. I just gambled my paycheck away today and once again, I am stuck. You need the support. Find a group if you need to, thats what I am working on now. Good luck to you!

[nkalei79]

I’m unsure why it says “awaiting moderation”. I surely didnmt type that. Maybe because I’m brand new?

[charles]

Yes it was Nkalei – now that you have had a couple approved though future posts should just go straight through

[risingphoenix]

How are you doing DE?

[Dark Energy]

hi risingphoenix,
thanks for checking on me, I am doing fine so far. just busy with the work I have a lot of delayed work after all these relapses.

hope you all the best in your recovery

[Dark Energy]

today is payday, I was tempted to put a small amount and trade again, but thankfully I get rid of all the extra money, and paid my bills. and now I am safe for another month.

it seems I should defeat these two thoughts “put a small amount to trade”.or “only trade for two days and then stop” those two thoughts cost me a lot of money in the past because you know I will never stop until I lose every penny I have access to.

On the other hand, my mood is better, my self-esteem starts to recover.

[Dark Energy]

today was one of the bad days, where I have no motivation to do anything, I found it hard to do the smallest tasks at work, and at home I just browsed youtube aimlessly for hrs, overwhelmed by thinking about my financial issues and all the other issues that caused by gambling.

I have a bad track record of 20+ relapses in just 2 years, this keeps me unmotivated, I am GF for a month now, normally by then I would have plans, and goals, I would have started dieting again, and I would have joined the GYM, and my focus at work would have been better. but this time I have no motivations to put any plans or to do anything really I am just passing time.
I really don’t think I can survive another relapse, so I have to get it right this time.

I am thinking about what I have to do to solve my issues and start enjoying life again, it is short and meaningless in the long term but at least I need to live to the max before I die. it is depressing that I have wasted all these years on this addiction and it is more depressing that I need another few years to recover from it and from its impact on my life.

I usually give an example to my friends about life, it is like you are playing a cards game, each one will have his set of cards ( say wealth, health, …etc), and we all playing this life game, the game itself is meaningless and whether you are the winner or the loser is meaningless also, what is meaningful is to enjoy the game.
life is about playing the game and enjoying it,
yes I am forced to play it but I am so far from enjoying it.

I need to accept my situation as bad as it is and start enjoying life again, yes I got a very bad hand, and I played it wrongly, but this is the game I have to continue playing and I have to enjoy it too.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

another day free of gambling.
it is no surprise that what comes to my mind now is “what 8 years of addiction had done to me can’t be fixed in days or weeks”.
I need to be motivated to change and fix my life, but frankly, I am not, I am depressed and unmotivated.
taking small steps every day could help me in the long run, so today I forced myself to start dieting, no plan or target goal just diet. it is enough as a start. I hope I will force myself in the coming days to start walking daily and exercising 4 times a week, but now I am not in that mood yet. I have gained 20kg in two years of relapse I need like 5 months to lose all that additional weight.

I will not dream of a big change in my life in a short time, just I will force myself to fix what can be fixed, regardless of how small it is, but I hope small positive steps will accumulate into a big change with time.

I think “just do it” is my new slogan in life, if I will wait to my mood is better or until the time when I am motivated then think I will wait for a long time.

[Don14765]

Hello…how do you deal with strong withdrawal symptoms, and do you have a sponsor…there are many on-line
Gambling sports sites out there that are triggers for me as well…

Don

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
In the first week, it is hard to deal with withdrawal symptoms. but it will fade with time, after 4 weeks I normally feel much better, but then from time to time, I will have these strikes of depression that will not last long normally 1-2 days in my case. I had one in the last two days but today I am back to normal motivated and my mood is good. this is called post-acute withdrawal symptoms, it is something we need 1 to 2 years to get rid of. and this will fade with time.
so in short don’t act on your urge and it will fade with time. I found sleeping and walking help, and just distract yourself by doing anything else whether it is meaningful or meaningless just do something and your attention will go to that thing that you are doing.

I don’t have a sponsor, it will not fit my personality, try it may be it will work for you, no harm from trying.

regarding the online sites you need to install blockers, I am using coldturkey but you have to enter the websites that you are gambling on manually, so this will block your access to the gambling site, but the main part is the access to money you have to do something about it, you should find a way to keep your money protected from you if you relapsed.

start a new post and tell your story and update it, you will get a lot of support and advice from the members, we all had the same issue and we are learning from each other.
also, I find it helpful to record my success & failures and to read the old post that I wrote before and after any relapse and learn from them.

finally, it is hard addiction but it is not impossible to recover from it, many have done it and we can too.

wish you all the best in your journey toward a gambling-free life.

[Don14765]

Thanks for getting back to me- I’m certainly a problem gambler- I’ve tried so many times to “control” the urges- I’ve set aside
A certain amount of money to gamble …

Only to always go over my allowed budgeted amount ??
I’ve lost too much money to keep going on

Ok- sounds good- how do I
Start a post- which heading do I use ?
I saw your post and thought I’d reply
To it
As I was unsure of how to introduce myself …
And I thought yes- perhaps a sponsor
Or
Trying to get a good sponsor would be the way to go ?
Good idea-! To try and distract yourself
With other interests ….
Which I have ?
Baffles me how I think
I can control this gambling ??
Time and again I’m shown that
I over spend and I should perhaps not be
Gambling
Thanks for listening!

Don

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
“I over spend and I should perhaps not be Gambling” no need to include the word PERHAPS in this statement, you should not gamble.
it looks like you are in the pre-contemplation stage of change. you should decide not to gamble this is the first step then all the work will still be ahead of you on how to defeat this addiction. but using ” perhaps ” gives me the impression that you still gambling and you need a way to control it.
there is no control it is either to stop or not and once you decide to stop then your fight against this addiction will start.

you have to ask yourself what benefits you get from gambling, list it down, and be absolutely honest with yourself because there is a benefit from gambling or to be accurate “the illusional benefits”,
then write down the harm, the cost the suffering that this activity is causing to you.
then compare both lists and do a cost-benefit analysis and ask yourself does it is worth it to continue this activity? does it?
I hope your answer is no, because then you can move on to plan how to fight this addiction.

[charles]

Hi Dark Energy, A couple of posts up you mention being “depressed and unmotivated”. Here is a link to a thread in the Recovery Tools Froum https://www.gettogethablog.com/forum/topic/just-for-today-3/ The list is somethign which really helped in my own recovery – small achieveable positives to replace past failures and negatives. just pick one or two on a daily basis though!! Any more would risk setting ourselves up to fail. Hope this helps.

Don, I also replied to you on another thread – if you scroll to the bottom of this forum and type in the “Creat new topic box” you will hae a place where people can give you feedback and advice. You can stop gambling I promise you.

[Don14765]

Thanks for replying Charles !
Sometimes I feel
I need all the help I can get ??
Some days are more of a struggle than others…

[Dark Energy]

thanks for the advice in the link Charles.

after crossing the one-month mark, the fog is cleared and now I am dealing with my terrible life situation with a clear mind. “which is really bad”, but I have to face it and work on it and not escape back to gambling nor to think the trading\investing is the solution.
I know it will be better with time as long as I am away from gambling.
focus on the day that I am living is the best that can be done, it is really a very hard and long way to reach where I need to be, =
but I can cross it one step one day at a time.
anyhow, wish you all a good recovery.

[Dark Energy]

normally I like to be positive, but really I have some bad days now, overwhelmed with life, everything falls apart, and I need to fix everything.
it is like going out of jail after 8 years, or waking up from a coma that lasted 8 years. and now you have to face life. and it is even worst. because I lost my self-confidence, I lost my trust that I can get things right, I am getting older, and everything is urgent and needs to be fixed. and I piled up debt that I need 3 years to pay back if I paid every extra penny after paying my bills.

I know I can’t fix everything at once, and I know it will take a long time to fix it all. but I am really not motivated, I have tried to take one aspect at a time, I thought this could motivate me, I started with weight and physical health, and last week I followed a diet and I start losing weight. but I am not happy or motivated about it. or about anything else.

I have tried to focus on living one day at a time and focus on what I can do on that day, but I am bad at it. I can’t take the full mess out of my mind and focus on the day. my issues are popping up on my mind from time to time to screw my day.

I guess I should try some medication for depression it could help me to pass the days until the thing gets better with time.

[Don14765]

Hello DE…thanks for your post
I too, am going through depression…
Problems seem over-whelming…
My mind can find

It’s self in a deep rut if I am not careful….on a more positive note, there are many a time where I find I have negative, depressive feelings ..and they just don’t have any substance? Like problems at work etc. I find whenever I am so worried /depressed that is usually when I have a good day !

[Dark Energy]

thanks for your post Don.

finally, I had a good day today, I had a long streak of bad days in the last few days, but today I am motivated and I am feeling good, why? I don’t know honestly but I am glad for that.

[Don14765]

Dark Energy: I’m so glad to hear you’ve had a good day!
We need positives in our life to motivate us
And give us hope ??
Different situations/daily dealings with certain people can make me feel
Good as well…
Today I got offered to visit a friend of mine who lives out of town and whom I’ve known for 20+ years on/off
This cheers me up for sure …and I sincerely hope your week continues to be great and positive !

[Dark Energy]

I havs stopped counting days for awhile, but i gues i am at day 44
I didn’t reach this level for a long time.
Overall it is ok. Just i have some good days and some bad days. But because of the addiction impact on my life the good days will feel like a normal day. And the bad days will feel like a horrible day.
Anyhow just posting for posting. I don,t have much to say.

[Don14765]

DE:congrats on your 44 days!
It’s quite overwhelming for the newcomer like
Myself…
And I’m certainly proud of your achievements…
!
I’m still in the “I gotta get a day”
Mode…
I seem to gamble when the littlest
Problem occurs…
I wanna say “thanks”
For giving me inspiration to know
That sobriety from gambling can be achieved ??

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thank you for the support, and yes it can be achieved with planning and support from others.
45 days is still early, I have been here in this forum for 2 and half years, and I have seen many members who crossed the 1-year mark and many of them they stopped posting after that it seems like after one year this addiction will fade dramatically. I never reached the 1-year mark my maximum was 6+ months I hope this time I will reach the 1-year mark and get this demon out of my head.

I wish you all the best in your journey toward a better version of yourself.

[Don14765]

You’re welcome for the support / but it’s true: if you can make 45 days- and even 6 months….like you once did-I tell myself it can be done !
And yes- I think you can achieve
The 1 year mark …!

Really? 1 year of sobriety from gambling ?
That’s a great achievement!
I wonder
Why, though, that they stopped posting?
Because that kind of sobriety could
Be seen as a great inspiration for newcomers
Like myself …
I hope to start today and my first goal is a week – I am aware it’s only one day at a time…
But I thought maybe a small goal for now?

[Dark Energy]

thanks Don for the support,

“Why, though, that they stopped posting?” I don’t know the answer but I think gambling at that stage becomes something from the past or a controlled illness, that does not occupy a big part of their mind. they will be more engaged in life and this addiction is behind them. which is a condition we all hope to achieve one day.

today is Day#47 all going well

[Don14765]

DE: you’re welcome for the support

I’m glad those folks have maybe achieved
A time in their life where gambling
Is a now non -existent in their life
A goal we all hope to achieve for sure
Glad you’re on day 47!
Keep
Up the good work ??

[jvr3419]

Congratulations dark energy your doing awesome ??

[Dark Energy]

thank you JVR and Don,

today is Day#52, again the damage that 7 years of addiction caused can’t be repaired in just 52 days.
I am still where I was a few weeks ago when I started this recovery, the things that are good are I am having better sleep, I have stopped using sleeping pills, and no urges to gamble.
that’s it the rest is still a mess.

[Losingitslowly]

I’m with you dark energy. I had a great day today until my daughter came home upset that her phone had been cut off. Mine too, only I hadnt noticed. I owed them, of course, and they unexpectedly cut my phone off until i paid the balance
Luckily for me I had one credit card that I could still use and that had to cover. I am on the way to recovery and it feels that all the good feelings get very quickly overshadowed by the damage I’ve already done. I’m on a bunch of payment plans with utilities and such to get myself back in the clear but it will be at least one more long, lean month before I am caught up. I have financial plans for after that and if I dont screw up again it could be a bit easier in the coming months. I just worry about any unexpected disaster that would put me in a tailspin so I’m always on guard. I know that a lot of people live this way and AREN’T in it because of gambling and I appreciate those people more every day. It is incredibly humbling and life altering to be living paycheck to paycheck and I know I’m starting to develop new life skills even at my age. I have always been financially responsible and independent and am reeling from all of my bad decisions in the past few years. I wish it could all be over and back to the way it was before faster than it is actually happening. I feel your anguish but, as they say, we didnt get into this trouble in one month and we wont get ourselves out that quickly either. I’m just hoping that this too will build character as I hope that there will be a positive to all this effort.

[Don14765]

Dark Energy:you’re welcome! I’d like to think my responses
Are of some help to you…
Glad to hear you are having a better sleep
Also glad to hear
You have no urges…
And yes –
It does take time to recover
And old sponsor from another addictions group told me
“Recovery is the a process , not an event “
And also that it will
Take a some time to build up some sobriety
But 52 days is a great start !
And yes- 7 years of error seems overwhelming
But progressive victory is possible
And can be achieved …

[Dark Energy]

Hi Losingitslowly
thank you for the support, don’t overthink about an unexpected disaster, even if something happened I am sure you will manage, you are stronger than you think you are.
I read somewhere regarding exercises when you think you are done you are just at 40% of your capacity and you still have 60% more to go.
about living paycheck to paycheck, I am in this situation for the last 5 years because of my gambling addiction. I am having a good-paying job I could easily save a good amount of money, but no.. I pilled up debt again.
I hope this will end this time. I miss the freedom to pursue a better job and the feeling of financial stability that my savings in the past gave me. but now all gone. and I have to start over

Hi Don,
sure your posts are helpful for me, we need any kind of support that we can get to motivate us and to keep us determined not to back to that bad addiction.

Hi Kin,
I agree with you it is bad, but at that time I was unable to sleep without it.

[Don14765]

Dark Energy:
That’s good-
I’d like to think I can offer some support
Here and there ??
How is your day going today?
I find some days I can think about other things; for me it’s my interest in guitar,
Puzzles and some TV….
And there are other days it feels like gambling is creeping in my mind almost every minute
I’m guessing that’s why we have to take this “one day at a time “

[Dark Energy]

Day#10,
yes, I have relapsed 10 days ago, anyhow I am in a better situation mentally now.

I have a question and I would like to hear what you guys think about it.

I am thinking to destroy my Credit score by not paying off the credit card to reach a situation where I have a “write off” note in my credit report this will prevent me from taking loans or credits for 2 years after this note.
the positive part will be that it will prevent me from borrowing more and losing large sums of money to gambling. and for the next 2 years what I will be doing is only paying debts without the possibility to revolve the debt or borrowing more, so by then, a total of 80% of my debt will be paid,
since the payment is high what will remain to me after all my current monthly expenses will be small so the negative part of this step is I have to delay many things that I need to do like getting married..etc

the 2nd option is to keep my credit score and pay the debt slowly by revolving part of it and paying my debt over a longer period the risk here is in each time I revolve part of the debt I will have the risk of losing that money to gambling again. but the positive side is I can live normally achieving some life goals that I need to achieve “urgently”.

so what do you think?

[Don14765]

DArk energy:
I was faced this AM ; and last week with
A similar dilemma….
I recently was approved for a $15,000
Line of credit by my bank..
I still
Owe a loan back to the same bank of $13,000

The loan manager asked me why I
Would want to pay off my $13,000
Loan with
This new line of credit ?

I told her that the line of credit has a lower interest-rate, therefore overtime I wouldn’t be charged as much money….

I then asked her “I can’t have both can I? I can’t have both a loan and the line of credit can I?”
She
Said “why not?”
Wow!
What a trigger that could have been
For me
Take out $10,000
Off my line of credit & re-instate myself
To my local casino I could have done ??
(I barred myself 3 years ago from any casino
In Ontario, Canada)
I can only barely afford to pay off one
Or the other :
Loan or line of credit but NOT both
??
Wow- the trouble
I could’ve gotten into had I allowed myself to do that, it would’ve been the finishing touches that for almost 100% certain I would never be able to bounce back from??

So I guess what I’m saying is, the gambling devil or however you want to identify gambling; will seem to always try and creep itself back into our lives and entice us, I think the best solution is to avoid these triggers altogether and take the “hard road“… it may not be easy, but in the long run it will benefit us
Or so I feel …

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thank you for your answer, I think I will take the hard road. but what scares me is I took the hard road before and paid my loans just to pile them again, it seems each time my credit record goes up I have to destroy it again to protect myself.

I was reading a book a few days ago, the name of the book is (Evidence-Based Treatments for Problem Gambling, by Katy ONeill) it is a short book of around 100 pages but I think it is worth reading.
I Like some analogies she wrote in the 2nd chapter (Psychoeducation for Problem Gambling):
one of them is the below:
” we can seemingly simultaneously hold two inconsistent beliefs despite our factual knowledge. In the case of gambling – a client may be simultaneously torn between thoughts about going gambling and thoughts about resisting the urge; thoughts acknowledging the possibility of losing while simultaneously believing one is on the verge of a big win ”

and the analogy of Ulysses and the sirens in the end of the same chapter and after a brief introduction about the story, she wrote:

” Ulysses did not blindly trust that the strength of his current motivation to get home would endure through the future high-risk situation of hearing the sirens’ song. He understood that motivation is not a fixed state – it is susceptible to environmental influences – our beliefs are somewhat state-dependent and can change. He knew motivation was not enough; he needed planning and strategy. He undertook a functional analysis of his high-risk situation. He used a range of creative strategies, wax to prevent the crew from hearing the song (stimulus control) and rope to tie himself to the mast to prevent himself from responding.
Ulysses and the sirens is a good metaphor for dealing with cravings that we cannot avoid.”

this is not new information to me or to anyone here, but I think adding this mythological story was a good analogy that keeps us reminded of the fact that we have to plan ahead and not trust our willpower.

[Losingitslowly]

Dark, I am not sure why you feel the need to tank your credit score but do not act rashly as this is something that may take many, many years to recoup from. The plan to pay things down slowly is not a bad one, and in my life I call it my amends. I must make financial amends for what I have done and I know that any help from anyone is just a cheat for what I must do on my own. If you are not going to pay your debt for any reason it will not be paying what you owe! If you cannot pay and need to file for bankruptcy that is another case, buy if you can, you must. Keeping yourself in a constant state of debt is what gambling has done to you and I have read that one of the recovery tools is to pay back what you owe. I hope that you stay clean and that you think these things through for the long run. It may not be an easy road, paying it all back, but it is the right thing to do. I owe a bunch too and have come into agreements with all of them to pay it back over the next couple of years. I figure that once I do I will not be healed but I will have made things right. Good luck to you on this journey.

[Don14765]

Dark: thanks for that analogy…
Makes perfect sense …
A sponsor I had from the past once mentioned to me:
“ there is nothing We can do, unfortunately about the thoughts of gambling coming into our brain, but what matters is if we choose to act on those thoughts or not”

The good days, that we have, are fairly easy to avoid the addiction, or at least I find that, I am busy with work or that I have positive thoughts or there is a movie I want to watch or indulge in one of my constructive hobbies…

The bad days are a huge trigger…
But!
The past shows me that if I give in to my addiction…..
I will end up feeling worse later because
I’ve lost my money (yet again!!)

So I guess what I’m saying is, when we have the bad days, try and be positive, and tomorrow or the next day is usually a better day …and then we let the “storm “ pass us by…
Without giving in(makes me feel
Worse)

[Dark Energy]

hi Losingitslowly,
there is no bankruptcy law here where I am living, “we don’t have this luxury”, I have paid my debt in the past but once I had access to loans again I piled the debt again in just two years to the same level, no I have to do this cycle again and again.
I have to tie myself to the mast and don’t depend on my willpower to avoid the sirens ” gambling”.

Hi Don,
I am quite convinced now with what I am reading about gambling and our brain, it is like we have two distinct ways of thinking. System 1 is automatic, quick, and involuntary. System 2 is effortful, slower, and deliberate.
gambling comes from system 1 and trying to stop gambling comes from system 2. both are in there in my brain and both will be there for a long time, so the way to stop it is to create many blockers (like limiting the access to money). to help system 2 control system 1.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#14.
2 weeks passed, not an achievement I have been there many times just to relapse in the next week or two.

[jvr3419]

Keep your head up DE 2 weeks is still an accomplishment. That’s 2 weeks you didn’t have to act on your addiction. I will honestly say writing here frequently or even everyday has really helped me. Though annoying as it is sometimes to repeat myself or be vulnerable writing massive paragraphs about my life. It keeps me super accountable and forces me to stay in a recovery mindset. This shit is not easy but you get what you put into it. I just got a tattoo that says just keep swimming. If you don’t no that’s a reference from finding Nemo lol. It’s the best thing I can think of to say to try and make you feel better. I’m cheering ya on you got this ??

[Losingitslowly]

While it is wise to look at the past as a reminder and to guide you in a different direction, you cannot look at what you did in the past as the hard and fast rule for the future. In the past you have paid down all of your debt that you’ve accumulated. Good. Do it again. You know that you can. Make the same mistake by going into debt again with excessive gambling? Don’t. If each one of us truely believes that we will simply make the same mistakes again than there would be no recovery. You have to make this your last time and believe that you can do it. If you keep in your heart that you will make the same mistake over again than you will. Open your heart and mind to the fact that you will succeed or you never will. You will once again have access to money whether you pay off these debts or not. You have to believe that you can change. As you have read on this site, it is possible. You may relapse, as it is part of recovery. You will get stronger and smarter and you will get better but only if you think you can.

[Dark Energy]

hi losingitslowly,
gambling is a lifetime illness, those circuits in our brain are already changed, and we may be able to re-wire them but this will take a long time, from a survey done a few years ago those who once met the criteria for pathological gambling 30% recover from problem gambling (1-year recovery) 50% out of that 30% relapsed within the following 4 years.
this means we have a 15% chance to be gambling-free without relapse after 5 years from now. another statistic 20% of pathlogical gamblers commit suicide. if you calcolate the odds that I will commit suicide in the next 5 years it is 17%, to give you an example Russian roulette has the same chance if I play Russian roulette I will have an 83% that I will live and a 17% chance I will die.

I am bringing these numbers not to demotivate you but to tell you that we should understand the nature of this addiction and understand that the odds are against us in this recovery. so we have to do everything that we can do to prevent ourselves from relapsing and to change the odds in our favor, and if we relapsed a safety net should be in place to not let us fall too hard.

this means we should always have some restricting that will support the overall goal which is to live a gambling free life.

as I wrote in a previous post there are two parts in my brain the rational part that tries to control things and fights the urges of gambling and wants to take me away from this activity and the other part is the irrational part of my brain where the urges comes from, the gambling is a behavioral addiction it is now coming from that part were the fight or flight response comes this is a primitive part that we can’t control all the time, do we all know gambling is bad? we all do. but we keep relapsing !!!. I once read that gambling is like riding a bicycle once we learn it even after years of not riding one we can easily ride one because this skill is there in the unconscious part of our brain it will always be there. so after years of abstinence, I could easily relapse, and I have read many stories about that.

if you add to that what I have is not an addiction to some casino games which is a clear form of gambling, I have an addiction to day trading in stocks, forex, and crypto. which is a complicated form because for instance you can consider it trading and under certain conditions, it is indeed trading, and you can consider it gambling under another condition. what I am trying to say it is easier to rationalize that a chance game is a chance game and to get over it (at least for the rational part of the brain) but it is harder to do so for something that can be a trade under certain condition and can be considered as gambling under other conditions.

after all these years of trial, I am pretty sure that I should not trade at all in the stock market and I should not even invest on my own, I should not make the decision to buy or sell a certain stock even if I am buying them as a long term investment because this will trigger the trader inside me and the trader inside me is a gambler addict and will always be.

such decisions as destroying my credit score to prevent myself from getting loans, and the decision not to invest in the stock market may look like an extreme measures, but let us face it we are in an extreme situation and it needs extreme measures to overcome it.

finally, we should do all that we can to support our rational brain against this irrational brain that keeps us gambling.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#19,
I did a painful exercise, I read all the logs that I have from 2016 til today, and by then I came to know I am a compulsive gambler, before that, I thought what I was doing is trading and my issue is just a financial.
going through the records I figured out some patterns
the 1st pattern :
the relapse is not sudden, it comes with having extra money normally anything above 600$, followed by a period of fighting urges, this period last from 1 to 6 days then relapse, I literally wrote many times in the day before I relapse the following “today I had a very strong urge to gamble but thankfully I have fought these urges and didn’t gamble” and then in the next day, I relapsed.

the 2nd pattern is :
it seems that I have 6 levels of gambling-free days’.
1st milestone is: 21 days ( i have reached this milestone a lot of times)
2nd milestone is: 45 days ( i reached this level around 8 or 9 times )
3rd milestone is: 70 days ( 2 times then relapsed)
4th milestone is: 90 days ( reached this level 2 or 3 times then relapsed )
5th milestone is: 188 days ( this is the maximum that I have ever achieved, and I have achieved it once only)

the 3rd thing that I noticed is that I have learned from my experience, I have learned from all these releases, reading my comments I can see how my understanding of this addiction, myself, and my views about trading and investing changed. simply now I am more mature mentally. this gives me hope that I can beat this addiction.

[Don14765]

Dark: I appreciate your rigorous honesty ??
You have achieved some very good milestones
In your recovery process….!
I have to learn that I should be fighting/surrendering the urges like you have ….
Telling myself that I either fight/surrender the urges or
Go back down that dark hole of losing my money yet again…
Thanks for your inspiration that we can over come this disease progressively….
With effort and understanding of how
Cunning it can be ….

[Dark Energy]

Day#21,
the first milestone is achieved, but I am so depressed today, I got some collection calls, and I need another 45 days to clear all the delayed payments, but damn, just one call is enough to ruin the day, I am trying to focus at work, I am barely able to do that without these calls, then one call comes and ruined the day.

my life is a complete mess, and I am overwhelmed with the problems. I am so vulnerable and fragile, all my insecurities are popping up in my mind. it is too hard to live with all this mess.

I know the situation will be better with time but it is too hard now.

I don’t know why today is too hard for me, I Had the collection calls last week I had the same mess, why today I am so depressed and fragile.
anyhow I will go to sleep early today hoping tomorrow i will wake up fresh and ready to face this mess.

[Dark Energy]

Day#22,
it is nice to see the count is increasing, to be honest, I need to reach day#67 by then I will not have any overdue payments and I will be current with all my bills and payments, after that, I need to plan the next step in financial recovery, but I am calculating if I stayed gamble free I will reach to zero at day#778, after that, I need another 18 months to reach to the very basic and Normal life, that I need to live. it is in a total of 1318 days.
considering no bad or good surprises a 3 and a half years. is the minimum time to move from the miss that I am in today to a normal life that I need to live.

it is a very deep hole, I know the odds are against me, and I know I have an 85% chance to relapse within a such long period, but hay it is worth to keep trying.

how sad it is that “living a normal life” becomes a dream that is hard to achieve.

I know I have to do a lot of work on myself during that period, there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed, and a lot of mess that needs to be organized within me and around me. it is a long road full of mines any wrong step will put me down so I have to walk it slowly and think deeply before stepping any step.

[Don14765]

Dark: thanks for your update …
I want to ask you a question:
How do mountain climbers scale a large mountain?
Not just one step at a time ; but also
Keeping an eye on just the one step ahead …

Looking too far ahead as to the “mountain“ they have to climb could get very discouraging and they may just give up?

You may say to yourself “boy this is a long mountain to climb, or in our case this is a long process I have to endure“

But for me, that kind of theory, or mindset will just set me back and I know it

I am no expert in this field of recovery by any means, but what I am saying is I’m just offering a suggestion of possibly just doing one step
(As In mountain climbing) at a time and the days will soon amass if you take that approach….

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thanks for your support, and yes the metaphor of mount climbing makes sense.
but let us face it I have been trying to climb this mountain maybe 30+ times, and I have fallen 30+ times, some of them were very hard, and I can say now I am not starting from the bottom of that mountain I am actually starting from the bottom of the nearby valley.
I am not where I have started 3 or 4 years ago, I am really below that level financially, and in every aspect of my life, simply I still have the same mess but I am older now by 4 years.

On the positive side, I am more mature mentally after all these relapses and I am learning from each time I fall,
what I meant by writing all that timeline of +1300 days is to give myself a realistic goal, a dream that can be achieved if I stayed free of gambling for such period, it makes the daily struggles easier to fight if I aim at that goal. and on the other hand, it keeps me realistic about where I am now, and what will happen if I step the wrong step again. it is like reward and punishment, I am giving myself something to aim at and something to be afraid of.

[kamirr9077]

Dark energy –
I read all your journals man one thing I want to say you are king in my heart a person who go through this level of endurance will definitely excel Soon it’s just a matter of time ,

I relapsed 3 times and I blew 100k$ in total living in a different country like you at the ago 30 .
30 k before marriage . I know numbers don’t mean any thing it’s the pain that counts we all go through that .

What I learned in 2years 7 Months gambling free

1) we all are financially illiterate
2) even if we win all the money we don’t know what to do an we will eventually blew it off
3)money will not solve our issues
4)what are we even fighting for ????
5) What we are struggling is a mental health not financial health

I will mention few things that helped me stay clean 2.7 years

1) keep my self occupied, started deleviring pizzas for 5$ tip from placing 5k per hand bet

I know it sounds silly but I have been doing that 5 hours every day since 2.7 years no looking back my friend

Having zero time to think will keep you going , you can be in this forum and dwell in the past how ever long we want or do something very easy

It’s not about the money the satisfaction I gathered in these days are immense .

My only advise to you is make your self accupied doing something doesn’t matter you like it or not if it is generating pennys as well it will cherish you trust me .

I still belive you will over come all this just give it time .

[kamirr9077]

By the way I spoke about my problem to my brother in law and gave all the card details account information and every password to him .

Good thing is he did not judge me and let me recover. My perspective changed as soon I came clean to my family . My wife still don’t know about my past .

[Dark Energy]

hi Kamirr,
thank you for your kind and motivating post,

but let me start by saying you did it. a 2.7 years is a great achievement, congratulations you should be proud of yourself.
out of curiosity, I am wondering how it feels after such a long period, do you still have gambling urges from time to time? do you still have any bad emotions from the wasted time and money during the gambling period of your life? or it becomes part of the past that you rarely think about.?

I totally agree with you it is a mental health issue the financial part is just one of the symptoms.

keeping myself busy is great advice, I am trying to do so, but it is hard for me at this stage, I am barely able to focus during work, but on the days where I had this 4 or 5 hr of focus at work, once I am back home I feel so good, it gives me satisfaction, a sense of achievement, to contrary in the days where I am not able to focus (which is most of the days in this period of my life) I feel so bad and depressed. I start to think I have an undiagnosed ADHD!!.

Telling your brother-in-law is the best thing that you have done, and I think you already showed a commitment toward recovery I don’t think there is any need to hide your addiction from your wife.

in my case, i am still not able to take this step yet, I know it is very important, and I hope I will have the courage to do it soon.

anyhow, when we are in the middle of what looks like a hopeless situation. we really need people like yourself to remind us that recovery is possible. and there is hope.

wish you all the best in your life.
DE

[kamirr9077]

With a heavy heart, I am writing this.
And I 100% agree with your comments below, and I felt the same as you are feeling.

“I am barely able to focus during work, but on the days where I had this 4 or 5 hr of focus at work, once I am back home I feel so good, it gives me satisfaction, a sense of achievement, to the contrary in the days where I am not able to focus (which is most of the days in this period of my life) I feel so bad and depressed.”

During my gambling days ( 4 years -with three relapses)
1. sheer pain and agony every time I drive back home from the casino after blowing paycheck after paycheck
2. Depressed as shit ( I never thought I would go through something like this in my life )
3. I look at myself in the mirror and cry due to guilt.
4. I always think about the stuff I could do with all the money I blew, and I always think about a new strategy to win back.
5. Cash advances on credit cards, personal loans with 30% APR (it’s insane ), and blew everything
6. Numbing my brain with alcohol and porn, anything that helps me stop thinking about the losses.
7. I Once stole money from my wife’s wallet and told her I took that for extreme emergency ( I still feel sick to my stomach )
8. when I blew all my money, I asked people next to me to loan (it’s like begging…… )
9. loaned cash from friends and family for fae reasons.
10. Self-excluded from a casino in PA, then started driving 80 miles to a different city.
11. So many lies.
12. Financial damage was worst with every relapse, and There is never a rock bottom for us. It will always be deeper and deeper .

Now the recovery ( if this helps you even 1 %, I will be glad )

1. Though we will not keep any of our wins, all our driving force is WIN BACK THE LOST MONEY, and we CAN NOT ACCEPT THE FACT GONE IS GONE.
2. If any of us in this forum is financially literate, we will never treat money like toilet paper in the first place.
3. Why is someone like you, me trying to find peace from where we lost? We are smart enough to get a job and make a living. Why can’t we look for opportunities to make money elsewhere?
4. Though we call it mental health, disease, whatever ……It is a condition we are cultivating with relapse after relapse.
5. 2019 Oct 30 last visit from casino 80 K in debt total have no idea what I will be doing and how I will be doing I was at tears for 80 Miles
6. I called my brother-in-law and explained the 2of nd life I was leading for four years on and off, and I vented my pain.
7. I Banned myself from life in nearby cities ( we addicts can always find alternatives, but I did what I am supposed to ). At this point, I lost hope of winning back.
8. Solid everything on my name that clears any amount of debt peace of mind is more imp than any ( Car, any fancy items that I am not using ), But I still have massive debt. I am still fragile and at the lowest point of my life.
9. I started a journal to keep track of all the debts, from smallest to largest.
10. On Dec 19Th, 2019, I started looking for odd jobs apart from my regular work. ( at this point, I need something to keep me busy or distract me from -ve thoughts ) Then I found a pizza delivery, plain and simple.
The first time, I drove home with a 100$ bill ( 4 hours of continuous pizza delivery) after sooooo many negative losing days.
11. I kept driving day after day without a break
12. At this point, I am still a few days GB free ……so many -ve thoughts, so much pain I cannot explain. I am sure you know what I mean
13. My life-changing realization, was that listening to dave Ramsey while delivering the pizzas helped a lot and I realized my problem is my behavior, greed, wanting nice things, and not educating about money.
14. Now as days go by my paychecks are with me, all the extra money I was making I kept putting to credit cards though it’s not a lot but can you believe I made 45K delivering pizzas …………..till the day
15. I drove every day 5 Pm to 10 PM without a break for 300+ days kept the momentum, I treated that as a meditation, not as a job never discouraged about the 5 $ bills I was receiving as a tip
16. I treated that 2nd job as a pillar for me not having any time to go to casino.
17. After one year I slowly reduced driving to 4 days a week but remaining days I was going to the gym .
18. While I was gambling-free, I did well at my work as I was able to focus. before even I realized I got a raise, got a bonus, and shares from my job that kept the momentum.

In this whole recovery journey, I am blessed with a boy who is 1.8 years now, a 2-year-old puppy, bought a house and I am debt free……………… by just keeping my paycheck and not relapsing

IMP First year was terrible always sick to my stomach when someone paid me 5$ versus I used to give a 100$ tip at the casino when I was winning, so many triggers, so many distractions. Thoughts to relapse came up with strategies and planning to go to a different city now but I am not sure how did I not execute that and fall back, maybe because I was drenching busy delivering pizzas, I guess

We all are here for MONEY no matter what we say we are here to win back, I realized the hard way what is the point you have a million dollars when your mental health is fucked.
As a person who had gone through your state, I know every bit of what you feel, my friend. we were searching for things in the wrong place.
A smart guy like you can do anything not just trading you haven’t tried a different avenue yet that’s all .

[gustav101]

kamirr, this is great! I am so glad for you and that you recovered, thank you for the time you took to explain your journey and the steps you took to correct. This is absolutely amazing and wonderful. Definitely a inspiration to myself. I need to find something that can take my mind of the debt, then work that one day at a time. Great advise for me, and I am sure for many.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Kamirr,
you actually summarized what is gambling all about in this statement “we were searching for things in the wrong place.”
I was searching for a solution to my financial issues in the wrong place, there are a lot of options around us, options that will give us satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

you wrote, “We all are here for MONEY no matter what we say we are here to win back, I realized the hard way what is the point you have a million dollars when your mental health is fucked.”

this reminds me of a thought that comes to me 1.5 months ago after I bought a lottery ticket. “i am not addicted to this kind of thing”, but the story is for a while I thought how wonderful it will be if i won. then, I really got this feeling even if I win it will not satisfy me, I will not have the feeling of accomplishment. I will be ashamed to tell my story if it ended like that (a gambling addict who ruined his life, then he won the lottery and turned everything over) . between us, I will be happy to be that winner but will be happier to be the gambler addict who recovers the hard way, the one who recovered mentally and financially gradually I guess such slow recovery will last long, compared with the overnight recovery, even I can bet if I won a million $ I will lose it the same way because I am not ready yet. and we all have stories about families who bailed out their loved ones financially just for them to lose it all again.

finally thank you Kamirr for your post and your support, I am in this forum for 3 years, and a few members had overcome this addiction, and normally after crossing the 1st year free of gambling we never hear from them, I used to think let me write a post for them to see where they are in their life, it will be a motivation for me to see how they become after such a long period of abstinence, but then I told my self don’t be selfish they overcome this addiction and maybe gambling now is something from the past so don’t remind them with this painful past.
I really appreciate your posts that come from someone who overcome his addiction and stayed gambling-free for 2.7 years.

today is Day#25, I really feel this time is different and I really believe I will overcome this addiction this time.
I know I said it many times before, and I end up relapsing. but there will be one time when this statement will be correct and I hope that that time is today.

[gustav101]

Hi DE, you are an inspiration to me. I read all your journal entries and I am amazed how far you have come. Today is my day 1 and I myself require 1400 days for a back to normal live, and I ruined it 2 years. I am fighting this fight with you, and need you to know that you are not alone. If it is fine with you, I did start a journal entry, but I would like for us to keep each other motivated and updates on our progress. Have a great day, and remember get through today, and we will take on tomorrow when it comes.

[Dark Energy]

Day#29,
tomorrow I will complete the 1st month, no real progress in general, diet not going well, focus at work is very poor, overall the only progress for the last 29 days is just the count of days. and my debit was reduced by 2.3%, that is it. well, I will be positive and say my mind is now clear the gambling fog and stress from the last relapse are gone. but on the ground, I am still not productive at all at work, and at home, I am wasting a lot of time surfing the net, and I am not sticking to the diet plan so I am still at the same level.

I need more focus and more productivity.

[Dark Energy]

Day#30,
one month mark, looking forward to the next mark ( 45 days)

[risingphoenix]

Congrats on 30 days. Keep it up! Atleast 1310 more days to go! ??

One day at a time.

[risingphoenix]

It is interesting how we both have this mathematical approach to this issue. I have this huge spreadsheet that I have mapped out all the intricate details of purchases and plans for the next 5 years and which I look at daily. Sometimes multiple times a day!!

I have certain financial milestones over the next few years with one close to 1000 days (981 from today to be exact) from now being the most crucial one that I am tracking.

I am going to post a few of my milestones on my thread.

[gustav101]

DE! Well done on the 1 month mark! Can’t wait until I post my one month milestone.

It is awesome that you managed to push this far again.

risingphoenix, i believe this is the best approach one can take, I also have a huge sheet I took the time to setup, I marked it with 1500 days, and every morning I go to the sheet, and start of marking my previous day as done. Then I start my current day with some thoughts and emotions and plans of what I want to achieve today, then on another sheet I marked out 1500 and keep a % of completion to 1500 days, I know it will take more than 1500 days, and we have to work at this every day, this is just motivation to return to a normal life again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#31,

1287 days left to reach a normal life, it is not like I am holding everything till I reach that mark, but it realistic estimation of the period that I need to recover financially, and in parallel, it is enough time to recover in every aspect of my life, it is a realistic time to rebuild my self after all these years of destruction.

@Gustave,
thank you, I am sure you will cross this 1 month’s target and much more, you did a step that I didn’t dare to take yet, which is being open about your addiction to your girlfriend, this is a huge factor for successful recovery.

@ raisingphonix,
man you are an inspiration for me, it is really important to me to see the posts of those who made it to long recovery periods. and the posts of those who relapsed including my own relapses.

when I read your post I can see what 280+ days of recovery look like, and the posts of Kammeer show me what 2.7 years of recovery will do, it is a real example of what I am looking to achieve.

regarding the numbers and logs, I have a bachelor of engineering and I am working as a project manager, so my work includes a lot of planning and schedules and monitoring the work progress. so I am taking the same approach to my personal life.

I am taking this recovery as a project, the estimated project duration is 1318 days, I need to achieve a lot within this period, really I don’t have a plan yet for each aspect of my life it is a big mess, I have a plan for staying GF, a plan for the financial part and for the physical helth\ weight loss part. it is a good start but I need to add a lot of sub plans and logs to the other issues in my life it is a total mess as of now.

some times I am feeling stuck and depressed, but taking one issue at a time and planning my way out of it gives me some relief.

one more thing, I have divided my life goals into 3 levels.

level#1: it is staying free of gambling. because this is the base that if I relapse everything will collapse.

level#2: is to live a normal life. to clear all the mess that I am in right now.

level#3: to excel in life, to achieve some of my dreams.

for normal people, level#3 is their level one, but for us, we have two levels to build first before we start working on this level.

[Dark Energy]

Day#36,
tomorrow is my payday, everything is arranged to avoid any temptation, and so far the recovery is going well.
a lot of work needs to be done, and it will take time to regain my life again. I did a mistake last time when I had 188+ days free of gambling and my debt was about to reach zero, after that I had 2 years of relapses. during that recovery period, I focused on recovering financially, counting GF days, physical health, friends, and relations “it is recovery from outside”. even from the outside, I did some mistakes. but what I didn’t focus on is to recover from the inside, recover mentally, to solve all my inner flaws and issues that caused me to gamble in the first place.

this time the decision to screw my credit score will give me a grace period of 2 years during this period I will not have sudden access to a large sum of money by loans or credits, the money will be saved gradually and I will have time to deal with it. and I will have enough time to recover from the inside and from the outside as well.

I wish I had understood this addiction deeply enough when I started my recovery trials years ago, but all that I can say is I am learning from my mistakes.

[kamirr9077]

We all live and learn, at the end we will mushroom, as I reach close to 3 years now recovery is possible . and every day go by it is towards less depressed and more joy .

3 years ago I thought I could never come out of this rat hole today here iam still trying to stay focused .

DE you did once 188 + days and you can definitely add a zero next to it now you area a warrior MAN you will have lot of stories to share soon . I strongly recommend you to get occupied with what ever it is to make your journey smooth .

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kamirr9077.

[Dark Energy]

Day#37,

thank you kamirr for your kind and supportive words, and your advice “get occupied” is really deep advice.
I need to get busy and occupied after working hours because it is the most vulnerable period for me.

today I received my salary and I managed to get rid of it immediately. so I am safe for another month, this is the 2nd salary that I didn’t waste any part of it to feed this addiction.

to be honest, still I am having some bad days where I am depressed and demotivated and other days where I am in a good mood and motivated, I hope as time passes the good days will be much more than the bad days. frankly, I must learn how to enjoy life again, it is a long road and I should enjoy it otherwise I will fail.

[Don14765]

DE: that’s Great that you had 188 days of sobriety!
May I ask you: how many times do you think
You’ve had withdrawal symptoms during that
Time?
How did you get past those feelings? Did you “white knuckle” it and keep refusing and refusing until the moment died down? Or did you find something else to occupy your time- such as a hobby?

I am asking this because number one I am happy for you that you reached that kind of mark of sobriety, and number 2 I seem to have a heck of a time with withdrawal symptoms lately….and they seem so overpowering that I just give in and it’s relapse after relapse ??

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
to be honest, i don’t remember, but that period is captured here in this forum under the subject “Forex addiction” my first journal here.
but in general, the first week will be very tough then it will start to fade and by the end of the 3rd week, the withdrawal symptoms will fade completely, from the 4th week onwards what I will experience is some bad mood days, a depression from time to time that last one to two days, and the feeling of regret from time to time about the wasted time and money, but I can’t really label them as withdrawal symptoms, based on my experience a 3 weeks is more than enough to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms.

there is something called a post-acute disorder, this will occur from time to time and will stop after 1 to 2 years. but I never reached that long period to speak from experience about that but you can google it and learn more about it.

finally what you need is to have a period of 2 to 3 months of staying free of gambling to kick start your real recovery, and to give your brain a break to think clearly on how to overcome this addiction. the easiest way is to not have extra money. so you will not have anything to gamble with. today I received my salary and the urges start to pop up in my mind but once I paid all the bills and get rid of the extra money the urges went away.

Don, you seem like someone who is depending on his willpower to overcome this addiction, from experiance and from reading books about this addiction and posts here in this forum you can see that willpower alone will let you down. so plan ahead how to prevent yourself from gambling using something more than willpower.
Remember the analogy from Ulissios’s myth that I posted in previous posts. it really helps me to visualize our fight against this addiction and I hope it will help you as well.
wish you all the best man, we deserve to live a better life. I am not sure what I will achieve in the future, but if all that I will achieve is living a life without the stress of the gambling, without wasting an additional minute on this addiction. a life without wasting an additional penny on this addiction, I guess I will be happy to just achieve that.

[Don14765]

Yes- A life without wasting any additional money, a life without any additional stress involving this addiction is the ultimate goal for sure!

That’s a good
Idea- to not have “extra money”
On hand
That is tempting for
Sure …

A lot of the info (and thank you for sharing! )That you have pointed out here I have no idea how it feels since I have a hard time getting any kind of good sobriety…

I hate being a “slave”
To this addiction and also
I feel
“Trapped”
And
I know
Deep inside myself that I know I have to go through the very important beginning stages of being GF….
Oh-no-
I am powerless (step one)
Over this addiction
I have tried unsuccessfully to “control”
It time and again
I believe I’m either very stubborn
Or I’m afraid to “let the addiction “
Go….
Thanks for
Sharing your view- and what has made you successful so far ??

[Dark Energy]

Day#1 again.
it is really sad to find myself again on day one, I did a lot of preparation this time, I get rid of my salary once I received it. but after doing all of that I squeezed my monthly expenses budget to figure out some amount that I can trade with, and I relapsed, once that amount was lost, I squeezed it again and lost more money. now I will have a very very tough month I have to live it with 40% of my normal monthly budget.

overall it didn’t hurt me much from a long-term financial perspective, I still need (1278 days) to reach the normal life that I need.
but mentally and emotionally it hurts a lot, I didn’t want to wake up today, and I was not able to get myself out of the bed until 5:00 PM.

I need one more road blocker which is to prevent myself from doing wire transfers online. this will close this final loophole. I will approach the bank to do so I hope they can do it for me.
I am not able to block my Binance account, I approach them many times but they are saying they can’t do it. They have a 30-day maximum cutoff period on their futures account. I did it but it is not enough I need a permanent one.

blocking the wire transfer will prevent me from doing P2P transactions so I will not be able to deposit anything to the broker account, this is the only way left as I have scratched all my cards long back.

anyhow I have a tough month to survive and rebuild

[Dark Energy]

well, I did a great step now, I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before, it could have saved me a lot of money and could have protected me from many relapses.

my main issue was blocking the Binance account, and I was not able to do it, what I did is I changed the authentication mobile number from my current mobile number to another mobile number that I have, then I cut that sim card, now I have no way to access it until I get a replacement for that sim card, which is a long process, the next step is to cancel that number completely to prevent any possibility to recover that number again.
now there is no way to open another account with them since the account with my identification is still active.

it is a workaround solution but if they don’t have the ethics to offer permanent block or permanent self-exclusion for a vulnerable group like us then we have to find a way out.

wow, I am really happy now. it is a huge burden that I have removed from my shoulders.

it looks like a good start for this recovery trial.

[Dark Energy]

thinking about it, I could have done it in a better way, for anyone who has the same issue and reading this post in the future,
create a new email linked to the alternative mobile number only for recovery, change the email first in Binance, then change the mobile authentication to the alternative mobile number, then cancel the alternative mobile number, and the last step is to change the password of that email number ( like type any random text copy it ).
after doing that there is no way to recover the Binance account.

for me, I think it is ok because I think the chance to recover it from the email account only is not possible, but to eliminate the recovery chance completely I suggested the above.

[Don14765]

DE: it’s sounds like you’ve
Figured out a strategy so that you could never trade again, and it may have taken a little bit of work, a little bit of thought on your part …but it looks like you’ve got it down to a science and that’s great!

I’ve relapsed so much in the last couple weeks I’ve probably lost count ??
But You’ve amassed some
Great sobriety
And I have no doubt you can get to those
Milestones (and more!)
Once again ….

[Dark Energy]

thanks Don for your support,

Today is DAY#2.
the first few days are tough, I am afraid of the future afraid of another relapse afraid of repeating the same cycle again and again.
I stayed in bed till 1:00 PM, I was not able to go to work today, I hope tomorrow will be better.
I need to pass 3 pay days without spending any penny on gambling to start saying yes I am on the correct way to recovery, before that it is just not enough based on the past relapses.

[Don14765]

DE: you’re welcome..I just want to be able to help out in return- I’ve read a lot of helpful posts and hints from experienced/helpful folks here….

Yes- the beginning seems tough to get going,
But you do have that experience
Of getting past that 1st day- a very good trait!
I’m sad to hear you didn’t make it into work –
I hope you were able to get back to work &
Also hope you’re able to put that 1st day behind you and get back on the horse
And stay gamble free-
One day at a time…

[Dark Energy]

Thank you Don, you are always supportive.

today is Day#3,
I manage to go to work today, and things start moving again, I am seeing some financial relief in the next 2 months so this gives more positivity today.
That’s it for today I have to work now at home for 4 to 5 hrs to cover the pending work.

wish you all the best in fighting this addiction.

[Dark Energy]

Don, I am seeing you supporting all the members here, but I am not seeing your progress, what you are doing, or how you are planning to beat this addiction. write more and give us the chance to support you as well.

writing your progress, your ups, and downs, your feelings, your gambling free count, and your plan really helps you to assess later on and modify your plan until you get it done.
the other members also can support you and advise you.
wish you all the best.

[Dark Energy]

Day#4.
one of the best days that I had at work for a long time. and this is with just a 30 – 40% focus, I got a lot done, felt confident and my self-esteem increased.

As a side note, today is Day 44 out of 1318 days to reach my goal of living a normal worth living life.

I am not going to reset this part of the count unless the relapse is very tough, the last relapse lasted for 2 days, and didn’t harm me much, my weight loss plan still going well, and didn’t affect my overall financial situation much. yes, I will have a tough month but overall it is ok.

so to keep me motivated I guess I should keep both counts,

[Dark Energy]

Day#5,
nothing to write, just counting…

[Dark Energy]

Day#7,
one week passed, and this time the withdrawal symptoms didn’t last long “only 3 days”, glad for that.
I guess the reason is I relapsed for a short period “2 days” and the financial damage from it was not that hard.

I read somewhere about the difference between lapses and relapses, what I had is not a lapse and it is not a full-blown relapse.
I guess it is good to think about the small relapses in this way to not beat yourself about it and back on track again.

[Don14765]

DE: yes… I agree 100% with you,
Small relapses
Sometimes happen and important we
Get back “on the horse “
As soon as possible…

I wanted to say I believe one of your keys for success -as you’ve had many thoughts come in your head and you know just say no every time they come in….

This is something I need to do, the feelings are so overwhelmingly strong when I hear voices of “oh it’s only a small amount, or oh you might get lucky this time”

But I am learning Albeit slowly,
That even a small amount of gambling just sets off all kinds of triggers and just sets me down that dark road again…

But kudos to you for getting back on the horse and starting to add up your gamble free days!

[Dark Energy]

Day#9,
it is going ok so far,

Hi Don,
I think the key to success is to admit that you can’t fight that gambling thought all the time, you may win 99% of the time but this 1% when you get tired from fighting the urge, you will surrender to it and it will pull you back to the same hole.

so the solution is to protect yourself from:
1. the extra money that you may use to gamble,
2. from access to casinos by self-exclusion, or blocking the gambling sites.

after that, you can start addressing all your life issues, your personal flaws, and all that led you to gamble in the first place.
but this can’t be done when your mind is busy fighting the urges of gambling. you need a break and points 1 & 2 will give you the break that you need. to see things clearly. and to start to reclaim the life that you deserve.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10,
“two digits again”, I wrote the same many times, anyhow I am happy about that.

today started in a good and productive way, but around mid-day, all my demons popped up, and really couldn’t get myself to work, it took me around 3 hrs with multiple coffee and cigarette breaks to get out of the depressive mood and back to focus at work.

I know what has been damaged through all the gambling years can’t be fixed in 10 days, I need another 1268 days to reach a normal life. but what I need to learn is how to live and enjoy life during this period.

[jim1818]

Hi DE,

I have been following your struggle. And i feel your pain, your agony & frustration. Your story reminds me of Murr‘s, unfolding before my eyes. I wish I have the answer but allow me to share with you my thoughts per my observation as an outside observer.

Firstly, you are obviously a clever, rational person. You know how to inform yourself and able to articulate the reasons behind your illness & why you have relapsed. You can provide sound pieces of advice to others in the forum and that’s commendable. What i have just noticed is, you always have a ready reason or explanation for everything. Perhaps what you need is to just completely surrender & accept that you are powerless against this illness. No more rationalizing. Simply accept that you are helpless and the only option is to stop with the help of strategy you have slowly built on to date. In so doing, you don’t get empowered by the comfort of being able to explain why you have relapsed for the nth time. You can devote your energy to other things, the important things in life which you think you have missed. Perhaps you should revive your social life as connecting with others work wonders to our mental health. And who knows you meet someone special in the process. I say go out there without expectations. Or maybe save for a trip. OR support someone’s education in your village or within your family. When I started doing these especially the last one, I have come to appreciate the value of money again and this has strengthened my resolve to never waste a penny or two in gambling.

DE having been there, i feel your pain & the feeling of hopelessness especially at the moment as you are fresh from it. Go out & breathe & be grateful for the chance to restart (as not everybody has this chance). I am rooting for you from the other side of the world.

Jim

[yoyo]

You can do it!

I guess you could cut off all the money and see where it will take you.

[albuseverus]

Hey Dark energy, You are so Strong and you can beat this. Today is day 3 for me. i have lost a lot of money to sports betting. $50. things look so daunting right now but i know we can take back our lives. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[namrathaseo]

thankyou for sharing the info…
movierulz4

[Dark Energy]

hi Yoyo and albuseverus,
thank you for your support, it is a hard addition and we need all the support that we can get even if it is just posted between anonymous people. believe me, it means a lot to me.

Today is Day#12,
motivated and in good mood, there is a saying here in this part of the world, I know I am translating it poorly “if the wind is to your favor today use it” in my case is in the days where I feel positive and motivated I have to use them to the max because I don’t know what the future days will be.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Jim1818,
thank you for your post, I remember Murr’s posts it touched me as well, I hope he is doing well now, I didn’t see a post from him for a long time.

your comment is very valuable to me because as you mentioned comes from an outside observer who may see something that I can’t see from within.

I can see the similarity with the 12 steps in your comment about surrendering, but there it is surrendering to a higher power, and to be honest with you I don’t have this option, I am an atheist so I am on my own in this life, which is not a bad thing this makes me really focus on the issue itself without waiting for the solution from any higher power that may or may not help me, as you know “they work in a mysterious way”.

I reached the state of “surrender” a long ago but it is just the first step. all that I am doing now is closing the holes in my strategy each time I relapse, and I have closed many of them I hope it will work this time.

I don’t know why you think “I am rationalizing the relapse”, what I am doing is analyzing it to find the errors in my strategy to fix them.
I know that I can’t do it with willpower “I am powerless against this addiction” so all I am doing is to fix it from the outside and to have enough recovery time to heal from the inside.

thank you again for your reply Jim1818, wish you all the best.

[Dark Energy]

Day#13,
just another day free of gambling. and that’s good enough for me.

[SinusDD]

You can do this Dark Energy. I have done cds and forex as well. Done that, been there. Keep it up

[risingphoenix]

Hi DE,
Something that I think could be relatable to you is when I used to heavily gamble previously, one of the things that constantly drew me towards gambling even when I was trying to quit (specifically in the capital markets) was the periods of increased volatility. Following market news during this time made me FOMO into it without thinking rationally and I inevitably lost all my money. Every single time.

Maybe if I could suggest, if you are doing this currently, try not to follow trading news and journals on a regular basis. Delete any subscriptions or access to these kinds of articles or news channels. Go cold turkey for a few months and see if that helps you continue to stay gamble free.

[risingphoenix]

Re: 12 steps. Since you are an atheist, see if you can follow this agnostic 12 steps. https://www.gettogethablog.com/forum/topic/agnostic-12-steps/

[Dark Energy]

Hi Risingphonix,
actually, FOMO caused many relapses in the past, I have blocked the websites that I was used to checking the market charts, but it is quite unavoidable it is everywhere on the news, on chats with friends …etc. anyhow the blockers helped a lot to reduce these FOMO-related urges.
and thank you for the link for the 12-steps for agnostic.

today is Day#14, and two weeks passed, this time I am quite positive that I will cross at least the 100 days mark because everything is prepared and arranged to protect myself from this gambling insanity.

[Dark Energy]

Day#16,
the numbers are adding up, 16 days look good, I had a positive day, and get a lot of work done.
that’s it,

wish you all the best.
DE

[Dark Energy]

Day#19,

[albuseverus]

well done Dark Energy, I’m proud of you. lets keep going one day at a time.

[Dark Energy]

thank you Albuseverus for your support.

today is Day#21, this is the first milestone in my gambling recovery, the next will be 45 days, then 70, 90, and 188 days.
45days look easy to achieve but at the 70 days milestone, I will really have a sense of achievement because I didn’t reach that level for almost a year.

overall I have a tough week to go before receiving my salary, it is tough because this month I am living on 40% of my normal monthly budget because of the last relapse. I could ask friends to borrow some money to pass the next week, and at the end of the month I will pay it back, but I prefer to tough it up and survive with the little amount that I still have.
I haven’t borrowed money from friends and family for 3 or 4 years and I am not going to do it now.

aside from that, my next work carrier step is still foggy, and I really have an issue which is I am not productive as I should be at work, and that is really a painful thing for me because I am feeling that I am wasting my time, I don’t have the feeling of achievement and it is depressing to live my life this way.

the reason for that honestly I don’t know for sure but is either a one or a combination of all the below:
1. gambling addiction, no surprise.., but this should be for the period of the relapse and for a week or two after the relapse “until the withdrawal symptoms fade away”.
2. I started thinking that I have ADHD, and looking back at my life I guess yes I do have ADHD.
3. consequences of gambling addiction: depression, unmotivated, insecurity, anxiety…
4. maybe because I am overwhelmed with all the issues that I have to deal with because of years of addiction. all my peers are 10 years ahead of me in their personal lives and many are ahead in their work life.

5. also I think I had a bad career choice, I am more about technical and engineering work but because it pays less I have accepted project management work and I am stuck with it for the last 7 years or more. and at this stage, I am thinking it is difficult to change careers.
6. routine, I stayed for a long in the same company, usually I was changing jobs every two years, within the two years I am motivated to prove myself and to do the best work I can.

honestly, I don’t know the answer, and I know gambling and its consequences are part of the equation but I don’t think it is all about that.

I guess I should start with checking the ADHD part next month after receiving my salary and passing this tough week, but the career change or at least a job change is a hard step to take because of all the debts that I have it is a highly risky step.

any advice here!!

[jvr3419]

Sounds like your brains going 5 miles an hour over there but thats what us addicts do I no mine sure does. I’m super happy for you getting to another milestone. The job things definitely a tough one I’ve never believed in doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I’ve gone to school several times to change from classic chick jobs to now work in trades because the money is better. If you feel you need change that’s something you have the ability to make happen. Making sudden life changes in early recovery aren’t always the best move though sometimes because of the stress and unpredictable outcomes. I no ADHD extremely well I don’t have it but all the males in my family do and my ex did really bad. Surprisingly it’s the number one diagnosed mental health problem other than depression/anxiety amongst people with addiction. If you notice stimulates make you quiet and like drinking coffee does nothing for you. Do you pace alot, take on shit ton of task but can’t complete them cuz you leave and do something else from squirrel syndrome then yep theres a high chance you probably got it lol. It’s awesome to hear your looking into getting some help for it though if your recognizing that somethings off. Hope you have a good day and wishing you well DE ??

[Don14765]

DE: hope you’re still sober today; and keep up the good work-one day at a time ??

[Dark Energy]

thanks Don for your support,

hi JVR I think yes I have ADHD, but really I think I have anxiety and depression as well, I am not sure if this is a temporary thing that will go after 6 months or a year of recovery. but the focus at work is really something that I daily struggle with and I feel bad about it once I back home.

I have searched for a few supplements for anxiety and mood regulation, I will experiment with them next month.. and for sure I have to visit a doctor to check if I really have ADHD, I hope I can find a good doctor because it is easy to trick inexperienced one since I know all the symptoms.

finally, today is Day#24, 3 more days to receive my salary, I am almost penniless at this stage but everything is covered till payday, this was one of the hardest months for me and I am glad I will pass it without borrowing money from anyone, I didn’t borrow money from friends and family for the last 3 or 4 years and I need to keep it this way till the end of my life.

[Dark Energy]

Day#25,
nice number.

[Dark Energy]

Day#1.
this is the last post I will write here.
nothing really about the forum but I am feeling ashamed of myself even anonymously here in the forum I am ashamed of myself.
I am ashamed to type again that I am on Day#1. I got all the advice that I need, I read many books, I watch tons of content about gambling addiction, I have created a lot of road blockers, and I have done every possible thing to stop this addiction but I keep relapsing. I really can’t find the way out. I am stuck in this loop of relapses.

today is day#1 but it is different. I am now in a complete financial disaster, hopeless, and defeated really no words can describe what I am feeling now.

so thank you all for your support and advice, unless I managed to overcome this addiction at least for 100 days I am not gonna post any updates. if I relapsed I will keep my miserable story to myself.

wish you all the best
DE

[Don14765]

DE: today I am day # 3 myself…
You are not alone with relapses…
Sometimes our stories are different as to why we relapse…
But also hate starting over time and again

You have more sobriety amassed than
I have ever had- thats a plus !

I am still struggling to get past one week…
Be proud of your self for that accomplishment- you’re able to
Put many many days together…
It’s a great booster
For guys like me –
Just starting to see what sobriety looks like

[lavende94]

@Dark energy I knw how your feeling the reason we relapse is we keep thinking about the loose and we hope dis time around we will win a huge and quite that my reason I relapse.

But today am #Day 10 gamble free and not thinking to go back to #Day 1 . This journey is not easy but we must try not to overthink. your not alone in this.

I had money this morning but all I was thinking was try 1 bet . I try avoid the thought, I used the cash for something else.

You can also do this hang in there . One day at a time

[risingphoenix]

Sorry to hear about your relapse DE. I believe you need to restrict your access to cash. You are likely having very easy access to cash that is letting you relapse easily. Delete all your trading accounts. Disconnect all your bank transfer links and either create a brand new checking/saving account or hand over your finances to your family.

Please do this. It will help you. I was in your exact same shoes for 6 years. I relapsed so many times. Only when I confessed to my family and handed them all my money (and still do every paycheck) is when I was able to start my gamble free journey.

I Hope you are able get back on track and reclaim your life.

[Dark Energy]

hi risingphoenix, Laven, Don,
thank you all for your support and kind words,

@risingphoenix,
I know this is the solution, but I can’t do it right now, we all have different circumstances.
I need to arrange my financial situation a bit before doing that.

[Dark Energy]

Day#8 the withdrawal symptoms faded, and I am on track again.

[gustav101]

Hey Dark, you have got this!! One day at a time my friend! you are stronger than you think. Don’t give the temptation what it wants, give yourself what you want. Stop thinking about getting the money back, think of it as a investment gone wrong. I have faith that you will win, I had this faith from the beginning when I joined here and you were my biggest inspiration to all of this.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Gustav,
thank you for your support, I hope you all the best my friend.

today is day#10.

[Don14765]

Dark: congrats on getting back on track!
Are your withdrawal symptoms still
Staying away?(hope so!)

What might you do to NOT act on these symptoms IF they return?

I am having a dickens of a time with these withdrawal symptoms…
I get tired of hearing the voices in my head
Always saying “it’s ok- you’ll only bet $4 or so dollars “
Then,
If I listen and obey those withdrawal symptoms, I always end up spending way more than I have intended to spend? Which tells me that is a symptom of the fact I cannot control my gambling ??

GLAD you have some sobriety behind you and
Are able to not have withdrawal symptoms!

I hope to have a small goal of even 1 week
Of a gamble-free lifestyle…
I know it’s one day at a time….
But a small goal should be attainable…

[Dark Energy]

Hi D?n,
Thank you for your support.
There is deference between withdrawal symptoms and urges.
Withdrawal symptoms for me last between 3 days to 2 weeks maximum : that inclodes depression, feeling hopless, not able to do the slightest thing ..etc.

Urges : will not go easly reading here in the forum even for those who are about to cross one year they have urges from time to time, so you need to deal with it.
The best thing i read about urges it is like scratching itch it will give you good feeling in the short term but in the long term will has bad affet.

You need to learn how to Coop with urges chapter 4 of smart recovery hand book cover this point. You can find the book online if you didn’t find it i can share it with you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Don14765]

Dark Energy: I hope my support helps you…
I mean well ??
And you’re right! I didn’t realize there was
Urges as well as withdrawal symptoms
The way you’ve
Explained it makes perfect sense…!

So- It’s the urges I deal with…
I haven’t had enough sobriety yet
To deal
With withdrawal symptoms….
I’d like some info
On this “smart recovery handbook”

I attended a couple GA meetingS
In my area last year- nothing was mentioned
About this handbook ….

Anyway-I’m glad you’re back on track and thanks for proving sobriety can be done

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
SMART (self-management and recovery training ) is an alternative to GA & AA, their approach is secular and research-based. they have their online meeting ( it is free).

their website https://www.smartrecovery.org , they have a lot of content on youtube search for it.

I have listed below 4 videos from their channel for coping with urges:

[Dark Energy]

Day#18,

[jvr3419]

Keep it up DE glad you never gave up on coming back to the forum. I hope you got some help or advice on the mental health stuff. I’m always glad to see you keep fighting ??

[Dark Energy]

Hi JVR,
thank you for your support, and congratulations on your 10 months GF, you are doing really well, keep it up.
about starting over, it is so exhausting going back to day one every time. but there is no other option I have to keep fighting until I win.

Anyhow today is Day#20, I hope the count will continue.

wish you all the best
DE

[risingphoenix]

Keep at it DE. One day at a time. You’ll be counting in the triple digits in no time. I know it is exhausting, but I am glad to see you are not giving up. Please ensure you are not having any easy access to money. Lock it away.

[Dark Energy]

hi risingphoenix
thank you for your support, giving up means suicide and I refuse to lose my life because of this addiction, it took everything from me except my life and I am not gonna let him take it. so I have to keep fighting even if I didn’t win at least I will keep trying.

today is Day#21
this afternoon my I had a few hours where I felt really normal again, with peace of mind, focused at work, and no unknown stress or tension. it seems 3 weeks is really what it needs to get out of the relapse withdrawal symptoms. I know our mood is a changeable thing and any small thing could ruin it, I hope I can maintain at least a few hours every day in this state of mind.

[Don14765]

DE: there’s a saying- I’m sure you’ve heard of it -“never quit quitting “
I guess sometimes we fall..
Then get back up and try again…
And perhaps that’s the time it can all
Come together for
Us….
I have also heard the term “progressive victory over our drug “
In our case gambling is the drug of choice….

But in all reality it does not matter what our drug is, we can get progressive victory over it …

[Dark Energy]

Day#26,
tomorrow is payday, and this is the first real challenge in this recovery trial, for the past 26 days I had no extra money with me so it was easy not to gamble, tomorrow I am planning to get rid of all the extra money before I return home.

it is just one day I need to handle it well and it will give me another 15 days of freedom.

[Dark Energy]

Day#27,
very happy, celebrating my victory against my addiction today, I have received my salary and as planned I didn’t back home until every bill I have is paid, and until I have transferred the extra money to a safe account. what I have now is just enough to cover the rest of my expenses for this month.

glad this payday passed successfully, I celebrated this victory with a nice dinner and a glass of wine, the sad part is I did it alone. but anyhow I have a great mood today, and I have a feeling of achievement.

the next is 15 days from now I am expecting to receive a good payment in the middle of the month I need to plan ahead to win the next battle.

I wish the best to all of you.

[Dark Energy]

Day#28,

[gustav101]

Yes yes, that looks like a good number Dark!! Keep it up, weldone on the payments you made and the money you’ve put away. Keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

thank you Gustav for your support,

Today is Day#31,
the first month passed, and from a gambling addiction perspective everything looks fine so far, I don’t have urges to gamble, and regarding the other aspects my mood is better, my self-confidence start increasing, and my focus at work started to increase as well, I am not in a perfect situation I am far from it but everything on track now.

that’s it for today,
DE

[Dark Energy]

Day#34,

next week will be my next challenge, the plan is ready to distribute the money once it reach my account.

in the other hand I have quite a depressed today the trigger was a side talk with frinds and all these comparisons that runs in my head and how i am realy in bad shape in every aspect of my life compared to my peers ,
anyhow i have to reasone my way out of this loop of thinking that has lead me to relapse many time.

just back from work and instead of bench watching YouTube and movies I will go for a walk and once i back home i will work for few hours I am way behind at work and I am wasting a lot of time as well.

[gustav101]

Nice Dark! Keep them coming. You are still in control of your ship and you know where the final destination needs to be.

[Dark Energy]

thanks Gustav,

Today is Day#36,
for the past 5 or 6 months, I didn’t cross the 38 Days mark I hope I will do it this time, today was a great day and another battle that I won against my addiction. I am expecting to receive a good payment this week and I have planned for it, but what happened today is that I receive good unexpected payments, the good thing is I was ready with a plan to distribute it and acted immediately once it hits my account, I have distributed everything before I reach home, I know if I reach home it will be difficult to fight the urges so I distributed everything immediately and I won this battle.
now I am current with all my payments, and I have extra money saved and protected from me.

the next step is to plan ahead for the next battle that will be soon within 2 or 3 days.

in general, today was a good wonderful, I was focused at work, received an unexpected payment, went out with friends after work, and had good time. I need more of these days.

wish the best to all of you.
DE

[Dark Energy]

Day#37,
I received the money in the middle of the day, and once I receive it I literally said f***, I was not prepared and had some urges to gamble again but the road blockers worked this time, and I managed to transfer the money and protect it from me. if I kept it I am sure I will find a way around my road blockers ( i always do, unfortunately). but now I am safe again, the next will be payday 20 days from now I will have enough time to prepare for it.
I am celebrating this win that could have turned into a relapse if there were no road blockers.

I was not prepared, I just receive a payment yesterday and it covered

[Don14765]

DE: I am glad to hear that you had Road blockers in place:)
Also- you resisted the urges and that’s great – good way to stay gamble free…
Also….
You’ve not risked your money ….
= no losses ??
I like to replay in my mind a quote from the movie that I saw:
“You can’t lose what you don’t put in to gamble “

I read some of your past posts in the last couple weeks, I’d like you to consider the fact that I keep trying to get sober and I keep falling off the wagon….
I’ve never had 37 days of sobriety…
You have ! Please be proud of that and
Carry on- one day at a time gamble free!

I am going over to my post to reply to your comments : thanks for reminding/thinking of me!

[gustav101]

Well done Dark!! This is inspirational! You are making moves into the right direction, you are showing a lot of us, that it is possible if you truly put your mind to it! Keep it up!

[Dark Energy]

Day#42,
thank you Gustav for your support, it is getting easier with time.
wish you all the best.
DE

[Dark Energy]

Day#79
it has been a while since my last post here, 79 days .. YES
I didn’t reach this number for more than two years, so this is really a promising start for me.

we usually say one day at a time, but for me, it is one payday at a time. because the urges come only with the money, and money comes on payday. if I managed the payday then the rest of the month will pass smoothly.
I am still in the early stages but I can see my self-confidence and self-esteem starting to increase, my sleep is much better, and my focus at work is getting better.

[Dark Energy]

Day#88,
yesterday I received my salary and I was tempted to put some amount to do online day trading (gambling) but I managed to get rid of all the extra money and put it away me, the temptations are gone now,

very happy to reach day#88 and I can see I can cross the 100 days easily since the next payday is after one month.

it is all about controlling money.

today is the last day of this year, and to be honest, it was not the worst but it was bad enough, I have relapsed many times and lost a ton of money, anyhow the last 88 days of it were a good recovery start I wish it will continue throughout 2023 and beyond.

anyhow I hope 2023 will be better for me and for all of you

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU

[risingphoenix]

Glad to see you staying gamble free. Keeping money away from your reach is the KEY to staying gamble free. No money = No temptation

[Don14765]

Dark E: Happy new year!
Congrats on day # 88!
I have relapsed many times and lost
Good money as well…
Let’s make this a great 2023
And stay gamble free the best we can ??

[Dark Energy]

Day#99,

thank you Raisingphonix and Don for your support, tomorrow I will reach 100 Days. it is getting easier with time.

wish you all the best

[jvr3419]

Congratulations DE so glad to hear your doing so well ??

[Dark Energy]

Day#116,
4 more days to cross the 4 months mark, the recovery looks good so far, only from the addiction perspective.
the rest is really very slow progress (weight and health, financially …etc) I know I need a long time to rebuild what 8 years of self-destruction did to me.
anyhow as long as I am not gambling the re-building will continue.

the payday is very close, today I will put a plan to manage the payday, for me the slogan is not one day at a time but one payday at a time. if the payday passes smoothly I am safe for the rest of the month.

JVR,
thanks for your support, you and raisingphonix, sunny are an inspiration for the rest of us, that the recovery is possible, keep posting.

[notyoung56]

Congratulation on your growth, progress, maturity and success!

[Dark Energy]

Day#175,
5 more days to cross the 6 months mark, I didn’t reach this level since January 2020, I had 3 tough years with almost 20+ relapses each relapse drags me back to square zero (or below zero ), but finally, I can see my way out of this addiction and I am walking in the correct direction.

I am changing slowly to a better version of myself, and I always remember a comment from one of the members here in this forum ” what has been destroyed during years of gambling can’t be rebuilt in just a few weeks or months).

to be honest I have stopped posting for a while but I felt it is important to keep posting my progress as a reminder for myself and to others that even someone like me with all 20+ relapses can finally find his way out of this addiction.

there is always hope, but it should be mixed with cautious because I know I am just one bet away from going back to square zero.

just keep trying and you will find the way.

[risingphoenix]

So glad to see this post DE. Congrats and Keep it up!!

[Dark Energy]

thank you Risingphoenix,
I have read your post congratulation my friend on your 500 days free of gambling, it is a great achievement.

[Dark Energy]

Day#180,
6 months free of gambling. I am so happy that I did it finally.
I have not reached this level since January 2020, back then I relapsed on day 187.. it is not gonna happen this time… I have matured enough to accept that this a permanent illness and that I should never reduce my roadblocks.

[Dark Energy]

Thanks Kin,

[jvr3419]

Hey DE congrats on your 6 months super proud of how far ya come keep it up ??

[Dark Energy]

thank you JVR, wish you all the best.
we deserve it after all this struggle, I once heard one guy in a GA meeting say that being addicted was the best thing that happened to him, he said addiction exposed all his flaws and he faced them to recover and grow up mentally and emotionally and he now knows himself better ..etc.

well, I can relate to that, I have learned a lot about myself and I grow up mentally and emotionally but I can’t say it is the best thing that happened to me.

• This reply was modified 1 years, 7 months ago by Dark Energy.

[gustav101]

Hey DE – Just want to say I am very proud of you for growing so much! I haven’t been on here for a while, and can say I’m in doing good, I always think of your story as our stories are so alike. Hope you are till doing good and keeping on growing!

[Dark Energy]

Hi Kin,
thanks for checking on me, everything is fine still gambling-free, this time looks like I got it right. I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

Hi Gustav,
thanks my friend for your kind words, I am not posting regularly like before, just sometimes visiting the site to re-read what I wrote and to recharge, remembering all the pain that I felt after each relapse gives me the power to not slip again.

honestly, I stopped counting long ago, but as I can see from my records here today is my 271 days free of gambling, I am in much better shape physically and mentally, and financially.

some times I think how silly I was to fall for this addiction, some times I got mad at myself for why I didn’t kick this addiction earlier, why it took me all these years to be able to win the fight against this addiction.

but it seems we have to grow up mentally and learn from all the relapses and all the struggles to then be able to win this fight, some will do it before others but we all can do it.

I hope you are doing well Gustav, stay in touch, what we are addicted to has a lot in common with normal gambling but it has the cover of trading and investing, and that’s what makes it harder to overcome.

wish you all the best
DE

[marcusmaximus]

I wish you well on your journey Dark Energy. Keep up the good work.

[Dark Energy]

I have to admit it, it is Day#1 again!!!!!!
after being gambling-free for 291 Days I am back at Day#1. I didn’t cause a lot of damage this time, but it is a relapse and I have to start the count again.

I am really fed up with these endless relapses, each time I am going through the same cycle. few days of total depression then another few days of getting myself together to be able to start doing the smallest tasks, then 3 to 4 weeks to back to be a functioning human being, after that it is just a matter of time to start over again. this time I had a long run, I had more than 9 months, and I have improved personally and financially this relapse didn’t destroy everything I did over the 9 months, but it is a relapse and the cycle started again, currently I am still in the depression phase I hope this will pass soon since it is the hardest part of the cycle.

I am really wondering what is next, it is very hard to live such a life. I am already behind in life and with a ton of debt, 10 years of delayed personal and professional growth, and each time I barely start to improve I relapse and start from zero again… I don’t know what is wrong with me….

it is really hard to start over but I have no choice but to do so. I have to roll the rock uphill again like Sisyphos.

I always thought in Greek mythology the punishment of Prometheus (having his immortal liver eaten by an eagle every day) is the hardest one. but now I think the punishment of Sisyphos is the hardest because of this cycle of hope and losing hope and starting over again.

each time I start over with the hope that I will be able to do it this time, then before I reach the top.. I relapse again and lose hope, and there is nothing to do but to get myself together again and grow the hope inside me again and start over. it is so hard. This is not an ancient myth it is my fuckin life…..

[Don14765]

Dark: thanks for your humble, rigorous
Honesty….to me;
I look at 291 days of achieved Sobriety…
And say wow ??….
You provide hope for people like me
Who are scared /and /or stubborn
To go through
Even a week of cravings or withdrawal symptoms…
By you
Achieving 291 days of sobriety it tells me that it can be done with determination, posting here …and work-
I succeed by surrendering my addiction
And also by NOT betting….
Sounds odd?

Suppose I want to get in better shape, or build my muscles up? Then I have to go to the gym and physically do some work, but with an addiction, it is important not to feed it…..
Or so I’m learning!
I’m thinking you’ll get back on the horse (of sobriety)
And perhaps this time you’ll
Have 365 days of sobriety
Or more !
You are an inspiration to
People like me
Who are lost/ afraid of withdrawal symptoms
Or i may be just plain stubborn (geez)

Head up!
And im
Looking forward to hearing
Day after day of great sobriety!!

[Dark Energy]

hi Don,
thanks for your support, you mentioned that you are afraid of withdrawal symptoms. you relay shouldn’t be afraid of that, from someone who relapsed and started over maybe 100 times, and passed through the withdrawal symptoms 100 times, really there is nothing to be afraid of. it will really get easier from the 4th day and by the 20th day, most of the withdrawal symptoms will be gone.
what I am afraid of and what you should be afraid of is to keep relapsing, to keep losing money to this addiction, and to destroy everything you build each time you relapse, this is what I am afraid of.
wish you all the best in your recovery.

[risingphoenix]

DE, So sorry to hear about your relapse. If you are anything like me, I know how the current events and the volatile stock market with all the options and crypto can play mind games and pull you in. It is not worth it. I know the money comes easy with risky bets but it goes away even faster because unfortunately we don’t have a normal mind. No matter how many times we think we can be disciplined, we cannot. Take it from someone who lost over $500k of extremely hard earned savings to this disease. I had a relapse 75 days ago and it was ugly. Wiped out over 6 months of my savings.

Please protect your money from yourself. If you have disposable cash, Keep it at arms length, put it in deposits or buy a home, something that will force you to stay disciplined.

Best wishes for your gamble free journey

[Don14765]

Your welcome for any support that helps you
Dark…..
Looking forward to
Hearing of your newest success !

[Dark Energy]

thanks Kin,Don and Raisingphoenix.

Raisingphoenix, I am learning how I can protect my money from myself, it is a work in progress, with costly lessons to learn with each relapse.
I believe learning how to do it correctly is the only thing that can make a difference. this will decide whether I will keep relapsing or I will live a normal life or I will live a prosperous life.
because frankly my brain is damaged, and the control circuits in my brain are completely unreliable. Even if I stayed 10 years free of gambling I will be always afraid of slips, 100$ slip could cause me to lose 10 years of savings and it will put me in debt…
so I am at peace with the idea that I should never keep easy access to money, I am experimenting with different methods to do so, each one of us has different circumstances, and each one of us should find the way that works for him to keep his money protected from him.

it is so funny and sad at the same time to use such a sentence “protecting my money from myself” I never thought that my brain will be fucked up to a degree that I am afraid of
having access to my own money.

Kin,
it seems we relapsed at the same time, so I hope we can both celebrate a one-year free of gambling after “361 days” from now.
wish you all the best, stay strong, and you know the saying “relapse is part of recovery”, I hate that sentence but it is true…

Don,
I hope that I will have success stories to tell in the future, but I will be honest with you, I wish my life story is better, a story where I have turned my life around and live a great life after a period of addiction…, but so far my story looks like a bad tragedic movie. given my past records if I need to predict what will happen in the future, I will bet that this is not my last relapse.
all that I can do is delay it, and protect my money from it once it happened so it will not cause a lot of damage. I am brutally honest with myself. I have relapsed 100 times, and I have read all that I can read about this addiction I know my disease inside out, and tried to overcome it many times.. but it seems in my case all that I can do is live with it. like a diabetic lives with his disease, I need to live with mine. and this is not a new thing that I came up with now. I knew this for years, but I am still learning “in the hard way” how to live with this mental disease.

[Dark Energy]

Day#5 the recovery days are adding up fastly.

[Don14765]

Good ! Happy to hear the days are adding up quickly, Dark !
I guess it’s always one day at a time..
And to be aware of triggers…
But I’ve a feeling each one of us is different with regards to what
Triggers us to gamble ?
Being aware helps …
But it’s a start only for me…
Looking forward to hearing more of your sobriety success

[Dark Energy]

thanks Don, Today I am on Day#8. the good thing is I have had a lot of pressure at work during the last few days and this will continue for another two to 3 months. my mind is totally occupied with work and this really helps to keep the gambling thoughts away.

[Dark Energy]

Day#14
two weeks passed, and I rebounded to my normal state very quickly this time, I think because I am too busy at work, this is really a good distraction.

[Don14765]

Hi Dark…yes…very good idea to
Keep
Ourselves occupied a lot with other things …
Keeps us distracted..important for sure ??

[Dark Energy]

here we go again, after 9 months of being free of gambling I had a relapse 3 weeks ago, I was afraid that this will lead to a series of relapses… and what I am afraid of it.. is happening.
I have relapsed again ( for one day) then I managed to start over again today before causing any more damage.
Today is Day#1 Again… the rock is at the bottom again and I will start pushing it uphill again.

[Dark Energy]

it is almost 9 years, I remember that in August 2014 I get hooked on trading forex, it started a few months earlier but from August 2014 I started opening credit cards and getting loans to do forex trading, I had good savings at that time around 40,000 $, but instead of using my saving I decided to use a small loan with low interest and I was delusional enough to think that I will be able to win much more from trading.

almost two years later in August 2016, I reached my deepest rock bottom, I had a total of 150,000$+ in debt between 8 credit cards, personal loans, and loans from family members, I lost all my savings, I was not able to pay my rent, I left the apartment and slept in my car for 7 days, that was my deepest rock bottom ever, and oddly enough till that moment I didn’t know that I have a gambling addiction, my naive analysis was what I have is only a financial problem.

another year passed before I admit that I have a gambling addiction, and start to read more about the subject, frankly, gambling is not a common thing here in the middle east, no casinos, and religion prohibits any gambling activity, so growing up I never knew or heard about anyone from my friends, family or from the community who is suffering from gambling, it is a subject that will be rarely mentioned, this a positive thing that comes from religion, I am a hardcore atheist but I think our ancestors were right by prohibiting gambling.
anyhow, I really read many books and watched a lot of videos at that stage just to know what is gambling addiction, and how to treat it. it was an alien subject to me. especially because I was addicted to day trading, not normal gambling games or sports betting.

then from 2017 till now, I am trying to recover from this addiction, and I am really tired of repeating the same cycle time and again, it has been 9 years of living in Hell, and 6 years trying to get out of it.

today is Day#3 in this new trial, will see how far i will reach.

[Dark Energy]

I feel like the relapse was two weeks ago, but I am just on the 5th day of my recovery, the withdrawal symptoms are gone fastly.

[Dark Energy]

Day#12,
Have the color of your eyes changed?
I remembered this from a YouTube video for a psychologist talking about relapse prevention and understanding addiction, he said the addict’s brain is wired differently, and changing that is like changing the color of your eye.
I was about to relapse a few days ago, but I remembered his analogy, and it helped me, I was driving back home after a very stressful day at work, I have money I have time ( 2 days weekend), so why not put in a small amount and do a leveraged trade, why not !!! All the encouraging thoughts started to pop up, and before I reached home” I remembered that analogy about the color of the eye, and then I literally looked at the car’s mirror and asked myself loudly Have the color of your eyes changed???. and this saved me this time.

if I find the link for that video I will share it here It helped me and I hope it can help those who need a reminder that our brain is wired this way and will be always like that so don’t start because you can’t stop.

• This reply was modified 1 years, 2 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Day#15.

this is the place that I am in, a series of mistakes and and bad decisions over the years. there is no magical solution to fix all my problems I just need to keep going and fix what I can fix.

[Dark Energy]

Day#16, totally overwhelmed. it is not about gambling but it is about everything in my life and about myself. I am really doubting myself, Is this really who I am? A f*** loser!!!.

gambling made everything much much worse, it set me back 15 years, and worse than that I am currently at a negative Net worth of 54,000 $, and a total of 95,000 $ in debt.

the debt is one subject. work is another subject, At work, I am a ticking bomb I don’t know when I will burst and resign, I am stuck in this job and this career that I need to change, but I can’t because of all that debt. and because of the bad career choices over the past 15 years.

add to that the personality issues from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and most likely ADHD.

Also, Health issues started to come up, In addition to that I am overweight, I am 18 kg away from my acceptable level and 28 kg away from my perfect level.

no girlfriend, no marriage, no kids, In two years I will be 40 and I have done nothing.

Friends, only work friends.

and I forgot to add Nicotine addiction.

to be frank, I doubt that this is all because of addiction, I really think this is who I am, and even after fixing the gambling issue, I will have a ton of personality issues to fix.

I can’t really handle it anymore.

[Don14765]

Dark: I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling down lately, I, too , have no wife…no GF and
Also no kids….
I too, struggle with low self-esteem and low confidence…I’ve no doubt this is part of the reason why I’ve struggled with a couple of addictions…

Gambling being the most prevalant….
I took a close look at your post…
there’s got to be some positives in your life…
I know..
I’ve been in dark places with my mind too
When we get in a negative, self-hating mood
we can easily over-look the positives going on in our life…
Also…
The summer had a couple people where I work that gave me a really hard time..

You unfortuneatley can’t change them..
BUT!
You can change your reaction to them..
also what I find works is to know it’s not my fault…
put the blame in the right place…
I’m not always right….but mostly when someone is “out of line”
it’s usually them….
and not my fault

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Dark Energy
You will get days when you feel overwhelmed for sure. All the what ifs? Could have beens? How to get out of this mess?
Recovery is very much getting from day to day, taking small steps.
We are never going to fix everything all at once, it’s impossible !! I think we can start to make small changes and just keep on at improving ourselves.
It may take months or years but
there is no point in looking back. I have really struggled with that one. But what is gone is gone. Now is a good time to quit forever and to look at making some positive changes where we can.
The longer we spend in the cycle of gambling – recovery – gambling – recovery the more of life we are wasting. I have finally understood that.
You can do it!

[Dark Energy]

Hi Don,
thanks for your comment, I am feeling better Today, just yesterday all my issues popped up in my mind, I know the trigger was the work pressure, and it is not from someone in the company it is because of the company itself and the management style, anyhow, the point I am so fragile, I have ton of issues and any small thing will put me in that depressive mode. and yes I agree with what you mentioned about these personality flaws playing a major role in us becoming addicted.
I think addiction exposes us and shows us who we really are at our lowest points, and we need to fix or deal with these personality flaws on our road to recovery.

Hi Marcus,
totally agree with you, but after many relapses, I started doubting who I was before getting hooked on this addiction, I was not living a perfect life, I was just living a normal life with a lot of bad personal & career decisions, and all my personality flaws were not so clear to me but it was there, they are not a new thing that has been caused by gambling but gambling exposed them.
I am not sure but the road that I was going through before I got hooked to this addiction was not really a promising road, and this may be what led me to try forex and stock trading as a solution.

gambling addiction is the tip of the iceberg.

[Dark Energy]

Day#22,
crossed my first relapsing schedule, The 21 days were one of the main days in the past, I relapsed many times at that mark, it is related to receiving my salary, so the typical month will be receiving the salary on the 1st day, then relapse for few days, and by the 8th to 10th day from the month I will be left with no more money to gamble with and then the recovery starts, and in many times once I hit the 21st day of recovery it will be the time when my next month salary arrived. so it is a huge trigger to gamble and I fall for it many times.
this time I passed, I had one urge that didn’t last long, I used the “Have the color of your eyes changed?” question and it worked again and the urge was gone.

this month I used a small amount of 350$ to buy a home office desk & chair, and an additional closet for storage, and I searched a lot to find the best model and best quality with the best price, and all of that for just a less than 350$ dollar, it is so strange how I used to through hundreds and thousands of dollars to this addiction without thinking twice. the money lost its value it was just a matter of keeping that false hope going.

[marcusmaximus]

Agreed Dark Energy, money loses it’s value when we gamble. It is about “the action”, the false hope.
Especially if we gamble online as we are not handling actual bundles of notes !
It is pretty depressing to think in terms of handing over bundles of money to gambling companies but that is what I have done and I guess many others.
I now try and use that thought to keep me focussed. Why would I hand over a bundle of my money to a ruthless gambling operator???
One day at a time, stay gamble free.

[Dark Energy]

Day#28,
2 days more to reach the 1-month mark, my mind is clear, and my mode is not bad.

I am planning to make a good change every 30 days and give it 30 days so this change will become a new habit.
The 1st 30 days were to put my gambling recovery back on track, and now I can say I am back on track and ready to take another step.
There are a lot of things in my life that need to be fixed, Now I am taking this new approach, and I will not overwhelm myself like I used to do, I used to start multiple things at the same time.

my next step is following a diet plan to tackle my weight problem or to stop smoking. Both are very difficult for me at this stage, because I use both of them to reduce stress and I have a very stressful period at work that will last for another 3 months.

I have 2 more days to decide, but I need to select the easiest option to commit to and focus on for the next 30 days to keep this snowball of good changes rolling and getting bigger and bigger.

[Dark Energy]

Day#31,
One month has passed, and as I mentioned in the previous post I need to make one good change each month, I have decided to work on my weight, Smoking is difficult to stop this month and I need a positive momentum so I picked to focus on my weight loss.
I have started a diet plan today, and within 30 days I hope I will adapt to this new diet.

[Dark Energy]

Day#38,
battling my other issues put the trading addiction in autopilot mode, I am not thinking about my gambling addiction these days, I have no urges at all.
now all that I am focused on is solving the other issues \ addictions in my life.

my diet plan didn’t go well, I have “relapsed” on the 5th day and am back to my old bad eating habits, I will start over tomorrow.

• This reply was modified 1 years, 2 months ago by Dark Energy.

[marcusmaximus]

Keep going Dark Energy, I guess nothing worth having comes easy, you can succeed if you can put your mind to it.

[Dark Energy]

Day#44,
my gambling addiction is under control, no urges.
my diet is going well I have reduced 3 kg in 14 days, not good but at least I am changing my eating habits, I had a setback a week ago but now I am on track. i need to lose another 13 kg to reach my acceptable level.
I am trying to rebuild my life one day at a time, a lot of things need to be fixed but I am trying to do what I can slowly without overwhelming myself.

life throws a lot of shit on us every day we have to deal with that and deal with our own issues that have been compounding over years off addiction.

[kamirr9077]

Hello darkenergy hope you are doing well with your diet and everything else . I have a question for you or need your advice bro.

I was a gambling victim for 4 years lost tons of thousands and clean from three years . But I couldn’t forget about my losses a friend of my is recommending me to forex to get the looses back . Is it worth exploring my friend.

My gambling symptoms
1) so many lies
2)exceeding credit cards
3)high intrest loans
4)started with 10$ and went to 5k$ bets in less than a year
5) never get out of the casino when ahead .

[Dark Energy]

hell no…my friend Forex caused all my suffering.
it is gambling but with cover.
let me give you an example, you can have leverage up to 1:500. what this means is if you have 1000$ you can trade with 500,000, if the market goes as low as 1% against you you will lose the 1000$. and if it goes 1% in your favor you will win 1000$. it is pure gambling.
and don’t believe all this technical analysis, indicators ..etc I have tried it all, but it didn’t work.
keep away my friend it is not worth it at all.

at least with gambling, you know that you are doing something wrong, you know that you should not gamble, but with forex.. you think you are doing something professionally, you think you are going to learn to improve your skills to be able to do it full-time as a professional trader. but no.. you are gambling in the market.

plz stay away from it, or any kind of day trading, the only relation with the market that we can have as gambling addicts is long-term investing with special measures to protect us.

you can read my first journal (Forex Addiction) to see how Forex ruined my life.

forex addiction

[kamirr9077]

Thank you for your reply DE , only belief I have is, you can understand a fellow gambler position and the mindset more than any one . When I was going crazy thinking about the loseses and doing some research 100’s of YouTube videos about day trading’ forex trading and how are they making money online too good to be true . A part of me says it all trash but deep down wanted to give it a try ( you know how we think) before doing anything stupid I reached you . I guess you are straight to the point. Thank you so much .

[Dark Energy]

here we go again, today is the 7th Day free of gambling, this time I reached 80+ days and then relapsed…
the golden words that come to my mind these days are ( abstinence is not recovery ) I guess no one could value these words more than I do especially in the last few days, when you relapse that many times like I did you start doubting your self you start to doubt everything.
but I think these words are the answer (abstinence is not recovery) it seems all I was doing was abstinence without a real recovery.

[gustav101]

Hey Dark, see you haven’t posted for a while. If you get this message and I hope it comes through on your mail. How is it going? What are you up to these days?

[Dark Energy]

Hi Gustav,
thanks for checking on me. still gambling free since my last post, I guess today is the 97th or 98th day. in general every thing fine, my mood is better, I am working on my self, it is almost 6 weeks of following a keto diet and the result is very good so far, financially I am a bet better nut still I have long way to go, also I have some Ideas and projects that keeps me busy. this is the positive side.

the negative side
I am still very fragile, every now and then a small things triggers my depression. some time it last for hours other times it last for 3 or 4 days, eventually I get over it and back on track.

also I still have a deep sadness that does not leave, I hide it when I am around my friends or at work, and I really tray to be busy all the time to not let this sadness turns in to depression.

in addition to that, I still have this fear of relapse, I know I am one slip a way from destroying every thing that I built in the last 3 months, a one slip could cost me my life. I am really scared from relapses.

years of gambling and years of recovery and relapses left me completely destroyed and defeated.

that’s it, there is progress but there is a lot to be done.

wish you all the best

[kin]

Hi Dark Energy,

Thank you for sharing.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and get well soon!

[gustav101]

Great to hear from you friend! I am glad to hear it is going the right way. You deserve so much better than all the constant stress and anxiety caused by all of this, we all deserve better. Keep up the hard and good work, it will pay off… It has to!! Keep in touch, and when the will power seems to fade, come chat on here, I am going to be on constantly for a while,as I have something to prove to myself. Goodluck old friend and may the Gambling thoughts die away one day!!

[Dark Energy]

hi everyone.
I think I need another 2 weeks to complete 6 months. I have stopped counting long ago.

last week, my bank updated their mobile banking application, and they add a feature to show your card number including the 3 security numbers…. and since then, the gambling urges starts coming back.

all my cards are scratched to prevent online transaction and now the bank come up with this update!!! really why? who will need such feature.
now I have to find another bank to buy out my loan from this bank so I will be able to move on to another bank.

I am thinking how the Technologie is making it difficult for us to survive,
life is really difficult for us any silly changes like that could ruin our recovery and our lives.

[Dark Energy]

hello everyone,
just checking in to write an update, I didn’t write for while thou I am keep reading the new posts.
I think I am 9 months gambling free.
the past 3 months where very tough for me. it all started a what i thought is a heart attack and after going to emergency the diagnosis was it is just a panic attack!!! i did not believe this diagnosis. I am a 39 years old, never had a panic attack, I am very tough, i don’t care of i will die today or tomorrow, the last time i cried was 30 years ago when i was 9 years old. and i grew up a thick skin after all the disasters that i passed through and the disasters that i am still living. my life was not easy at all but i never had a panic attack…so I was vey sceptic, why now !!. then i had another 2 episodes in the following two days. so I decided to check with cardiologist i was pretty sure it is something related to my heart it could not be a panic attack, but the cardiologist assure me nothing is wrong with me, them i moved on to neurologist and i got the same answer.

some how i refused to believe what I am having is panic attacks, i don’t know, I felt like “f**k i never though i will become f** up to this degree…. how low i will reach before i get my acts together”. Am I now too weak to a degree that I am having panic attacks.
having the panic attack is bad, but the idea that i become to week to a degree that I start having panic attacks this idea is much worse for me, yes I am an educated person, open minded, atheist, rational person but I think it is it is a culture thing.

anyhow, after a lot of hesitation i decided to see a psychiatric, and after a 3 long hours she diagnosed me with major depression, anxiety, and high possibility of ADD. i was surprised that gambling addiction was not mentioned in her report despite that most of the discussion were about my gambling addiction.

i have to admit i should have done this visit maybe 5 years ago, but my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatric and i really felt ashamed to speak out openly about all my issues and the fact that there in no approved drug to treat gambling addiction lead me to avoid such visit for the past 5 years.

anyhow, for the past 3 months my life really changed not to the better but to a something like hell, each 3 weeks i was changing the combination of medicines. visited 3 different doctors, until i finally decided to stop all the medicines, i have stopped taking all these drugs and i am just keeping Xanax as a magic pill in my pocket in case i felt i am about to have a panic attack.

while i was using the drugs i noticed a difference but the problem is one drug will make your mood much better and will treat your depression but will increase your anxiety, the other will keep you focus but will not make you sleep at night and the one that will make you sleep will screw your work because you will not be able to wakeup on time, I can see the positive side of these drugs on me and it could be the thing that i need to support my recovery from this addiction. but man I need a break from this trial and error i need to find a good psychiatric that will give me the correct combination from the first time.

i think should not ignore medical intervention, this will be an addition to all the steps that i am taking to recover from this addiction. but i need a break i can’t continue trying different combinations of drugs.

[Author]

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