[Trucker334]

I’m not asking anyone to answer that question. I’m asking it of myself. I’ve been gambling away most of my earnings for the last eleven years. My entire married life. Right now my wife and two kids live in a trailer park and my wife is driving a beat up old car. Every debt collector we have is on the verge of sueing me, one recently did, just waiting for them to begin garnishing my wages. A few months ago I decided I would get my finances in order. I went back to driving a truck over the road. Leaving my family alone for 3-4 weeks at a time. My kids are 7-9 and I’ve always been home Wih them. But, hey you do what you’ve got to do right? So what am I doing? Well I brought home 975 dollars after taxes and health insurance this week, not even my best week since I‘be been on the road. I stopped at a casino, because I work hard and I should get to have a little fun. I withdrew $100 and played a table game I’ve never played before. I turned the $100 into $900 in less than an hour! Now that will really help my family! Except I did what I always do and losf all of it inabout ten minutes. No worries, I’m a lucky guy and I can easily win back the $100 I lost, so back to the ATM. And back. And back. Luckily for me I’ve got $16 left in one account that I couldn‘t withdrawa, so now I can eat dollar burgers for a week again. Again and again. I’ve gambled away 95% of every penny I’ve made. I send the wifey a few dollars here and there, but I also call her mid week as ask for money some times. She thinks I’m having bad luck with the job, not getting enough miles, or worse I tell her I’m paying off our debt. I called my sister and told her I was paying her back the $350 she loaned me a couple of weeks ago for an ”emergency“ dental procedure, it lasted me about 25 minutes in another casino one night. I promise myself it’s going to be different next time. It’s not an exaggeration that I am up hundreds of dollars 85% of the time that I gamble. So, it stands to reason that all I have to do is learn to walk out and it will be beneficial for me to continue to gamble. Also, I love it. If you’d advance me my next months pay, I’d head right back into that casino, right now. I decided to only send 200 to my sister before I went into the casino, then I’d at least feel good about doing that. I promised my wife some money, but she said to wait until Monday and I said no problem I’ll hold onto the money for you. So I went on my banking app and canceled the 200 check to my sister. I hope they cancel it before it goes out. I’ve screen shot the transaction so when my sister asks about the money I can send her the pic and tell her I don’t know why she hasn’t received the check. If she calls and says it bounced I’ll act all upset with the bank. I’m a really good liar. I can come up with an excuse for anything. But one day I’m going to hit a big jackpot or win the lottery then ill be able to make up for everything. I can’t let myself get too depressed because then I’ll earn less money and I won’t have much to gamble with next week! What was my last job? I was a pastor, a lead full time pastor, for ten years. It’s the best job for a gambler like me, well besides being an over the road truck driver, because I made my own schedule and could go out of town on a moments notice to a conference or to visit some old sick family member or friend. When we lost our house that we were buying I became depressed and went on medication and it took away my desire to gamble, for a month or two. Before we lost the house it was about to go into foreclosure and I made up some story to a church member that was so good he gave me 10,000 dollars to catch up the payments. When it was about to go into foreclosure again six months later I resigned from that church and moved to another. Taking my wife away from her family. She was so depressed and I wasn’t happy because we lived too far from any type of gambling so i found a church closer to the area we we originally. In both of these churches I was paid a nice salary and we lived in very nice houses paid for by the churches all utilities included. At the last one I became so depressed again that I resigned one Sunday without giving notice to the church or my wife. Then I mofed them into a trailer park and went on the road. She’s having trouble with the bugs in the house so I have a guy coming next week and I’m suppose to send her the money to pay for it, but I spent it all tonight. There have been several times in the last month that I’ve gotten paid after midnight and lost it all before the Sun came up that morning. Then I call my company and borrow money from my next paycheck to “live on” only to lose it all and eat off of the points I can get from truck stop reward programs for fueling. At the last church I managed to borrow over 6,000 from members. I have started sending them 50 or so every week, but I’ve one little to nothing for my own wife and kids. I can’t even think to tell you all the horrible lies I’ve told and things I’ve done, some I wouldn’t mention for my own protection. I wish I could kill myself right now, but I’m too damned selfish, because then how would I gamble next week? I’m going to win it all back right? Then I can be a good person and “bless” everyone I love. Is there hope for me? I don’t think there is, nor do I think there should be. Forgot to mention that I haven’t filled my taxes in three years and I’m sure I owe the IRS thousands of dollars. I managed to tell my wife about this and told her my depression just wouldn’t allow me to file, which is true, just not the whole truth. That’s how I convinced her I needed to go over the road. To get our taxes taken care of. Well I’m doing a great job. Also, may be too much information, but I cope with the downs from losing money by viewing pornography. I hate me, or do I, maybe I’m just having too much fun to stop? I don’t know. 

[velvet]

Hello Trucker and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Monica1]

Hi Trucker. Welcome to the forum. You are not the first spiritual person to fall down the gambling rabbit hole, I did too and it took a spiritual solution to come out of it and Into recovery. I had lost hope but found it again. My relationship with my higher power or God has changed radically. I,knew him not before. The same gambling stories, nearly lost my home but did lose my business. Gambling is a progressive illness, it will get worse and worse and we fall down even further until we are on the street, insane, health problems or worse.
Look at your life, is it a happy and fulfilled one through gambling? Are you powerless over gambling and has your life become unmanageable? Do you believe that a higher power can bring you back to sanity? Compulsive gamblers never win and harmless fun becomes funless harm.
Get to GA, admit those two things to yourself. But you have to,really,want to stop. Most of us go so far down before we stop and want to close that door for good. Tellyour wife and ask for help if possible in managing your finances? The depression comes from the gambling and it’s effects.
There is always hope. I thought there wasn’t any for me. I was destitute, depressed and sick for 9 months when I stopped. I did t want to get,out of bed and often didnt. But I did come out of it with a stronger belief in God and wiser, as a result. You can too but you must really want to.

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the response. It’s not fun. I am completely and that ally out of control. When I borrow money or take my paycheck into a casino I really believe, despite knowing better, that I am good my to climb out of this whole I’m in. I know for sure that I know God and He knows me. That‘s why I hate myself the most. It’s obviously some evil in me that makes me continue to do these things. God can do anything, but I can’t seem to get anything right. I was a passionate pastor and I would constantly repent only to fall again. I told my congregations for ten years that I was a sinner and that I made mistakes all the time. I prayed and asked God to take my life if I was going to continue to do things that were not pleasing to him. I begged God to take away my free will and keep me from doing these things. When I was put on medication and it took away my desire to gamble I went back to the counselor I was visiting and asked why the medicine was able to do something that God would not do no matter how many times I asked. For those who don’t believe in God the answer would be simple; there is no God. But, God is as real to me as anyone. He became a part of my life twenty years ago. I know there’s a spiritual answer. Maybe the truth is I don‘t want to stop. But how can that be when I hate myself so much.  Life can seem so dull and routine. Maybe I’m afraid of a spiritual answer because then people will start to look to me again and I’ve never felt worthy of people looking to me. The standard is so high and I can’t keep it. I confess that I’m a sinner. I have no hood apart from God’s Grace and mercy. I deserve His wrath. My wife has emotional problems and I can’t see confessing to her while we’re in such a terrible financial situation that‘s all my fault. I don’t want to see her go through that kind of pain. Once in ten years she did catch me. But she thought I was cheating on her, so I confessed that I had gone gambling and lost my paycheck because I was upset about our bills and trying to get ahead. She just doesn’t know that our bills are all my fault. All because of my gambling. When given the choice between hurting her that way or just trying to win it all back I just want that one big win that will make everything okay. But, I know I have to stop thinking this way. After posting this last night I considered finding a job at home no matter how little it paid so I can be with my family. My wife and kids miss me so much and all I’m doing is giving away our money out here. Your response means a lot it’s given me another reason to write and to think. I do believe God can help me. All things in His time and I‘ve got to choose whether I will love Him and hate gambling or hate Him and love gambling. Thank you.   

[Monica1]

My gambling crisis was for me a spiritual crisis. I was angry with God for quite a few things. Slowly over time the anger dissipated mostly through illness manifesting and I decided Jesus, the master healer was my higher power. In him all things r possible. It isn’t gods fault, we have free will and asking him to take that away is somewhat fruitless. I,knew I would die and be on the street if I continued gambling. I shut the door one day at a time and you can too. God is not a punishing God, we do that enough ourselves. He is a loving father in a life where many people don’t have that. God can’t stop you from gambling but you can with gods help. It comes when we admit we are powerless over gambling and go out and seek support through the fellowship.of GA or elsewhere. But we cannot stop without support. For me right now it is here and I occasionally go,to,GA. When we gamble and we love gambling we are often punishing ourselves. There isn’t a big win trucker because when compulsive gamblers win they lose it all again and more. That is it’s nature and we continue to go down, and fall further each time. God does love you trucker and when we enter into recovery it is thy will and not my will be done.
God wants what’s best for you trucker and you can do,it,one day at a time.

[Trucker334]

thanks for the response. I agree with what you’re saying. Telling truth on here that I’ve never told anyone has opened my eyes so much. Last night I was desperate and doubtful, but when I woke up I was broken over letting those truths out and I‘m so glad because my lack of brokenness has worried me for at least a year. I’ve got a woman looking for me a local job right now so I can get home. Here was a casino/game room in the truck stop where I just took a shower and I had $16 left I could pull off my fuel card and I didn’t do it. Baby steps! I’m not the person I’ve been, I know my actions are wrong and I hate them. But, I love to sin I don’t want to make it sound like the devil is makin me to do it, it’s all my fault. I feel like  there is hope. Hope that exists through a long dark path and one Im praying God will give me the strength to endure. God is faithful. He is good. He loves me and he died for me providing that be once and for all. He knew all my faults when He saved me twenty years ago. I’m thankful for this site. Stay strong all of you. Thanks so much. 

[lizbeth4]

I read your story and it really touched my heart. Don’t give up hope. The fallout from our gambling addiction is devastating and helps keep us prisoners looking for the BIG WIN to solve our money problems. There are options, bankruptcy, debt consolidation. Gambling can never be in the picture again. There are support groups here, GA, ect… I’m forever a different person because of my addiction. Does your Wife know of your addiction? The burden of carrying the secret was heartbreaking. Do you have someone to confide in for extra support? Get through everyday. Little steps !!! Stay strong.

[CraigMac6]

Thanks for sharing your story Trucker. While I don’t claim to know everything and have all the answers I do know two things. One, with any addiction we must first admit we are powerless over the addiction and two, fight our addiction one day at a time. If we just worry about today and making it through today without gambling, it is possible to become gambling free. Just like you turning away the poker with your last 16 dollars. That’s huge. You controlled the moment and the urge and took a huge step in the right direction. We can accomplish anything in this life if we have the mindset to take it one day at a time. Forget looking at the end game, lets look at the process of getting to the end game.
As far as the finances go, I do know this, no matter how bad of shape you are in, it will never get better until you stop going to the casino. You mention of the BIG win, but whos to say you will walk out after that big win? Just like when you were up 900 and the family would be in better shape, you didn’t walk out. Who’s to say that wouldn’t occur with the big win? I’m a firm believer winning is the worst thing that can happen to a gambler because it gives us false hope. False hope that we are in control of our gambling when in fact we are powerless to gambling. Yes it might take a long time to get back on track financially (the same is true with me) but by continuing to gamble it will only get worse. Take that one day at a time approach to your financial situation. Most of us didn’t get in financial troubles over night so we wont get out over night but each and every day of being gambling free is one day closer to being free. It might take a year, 2 years, 5 years or maybe even 10 years to get back on track but at least it will happen.
I’m so thankful you posted your story this morning because you seem like a great person, just like many of us are, but the addiction turns us into people that we are shameful of. Keep the faith and keep pushing forward one day at a time!
You can do this! We are here to help!

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom. I completely agree that I can’t continue to hope for the big win and I’ve got to stop all together. It’s difficult, my mind is playing tricks on me.  I’m thinking things like, now that you’ve posted your story and your trying to quit you would be able to gamble again and walk out with your winnings. I know it’s a lie. I can’t ***** how many times I’ve told myself that lie and believed it. I’m a little down today. I’m struggling with the hurt I’m going to cause others by coming clean. I realize that continuing to gamble is what will really hurt my loved ones, so I’m focusing on not doing that ever again. The temptation is real and I don’t get paid until Friday, although I can take a $100 loan tomorrow. I don’t know what my life’s suppose to look like without gambling. Thanks again, I really appreciate every comment. I feel like writing these things down is already helpful me to focus. And truthfully I realize just how unreasonable my addiction is as I confess my thoughts and feelings. I’m glad you’re fighting! Keep it up! My wife only caught me one time and it hurt her and I promised I’d never do it again. My sister is the only other close family I could confide in. I wrote her a text yesterday and then deleted it. She’s such a good person that I’m always ashamed of how week I am. I’m hoping to be clean for at least a couple of months before I share with anyone I know. Hopefully if this doesn’t workout I’ll do the right thing and talk to them. 

[Trucker334]

You’re right about everything. I’ve got to remain focused on today. It took me over a decade to get into this mess, so anything less than a decade to get out would just be gravy I guess. I’m sure I’d gamble away the big win. I was once given $5000 cash and it would have gotten me out of the mess I was in at the time, but I just knew I could turn it into more. I knew I could double or triple it and pay back the loan and take care of my family. It was gone in one two day trip to a small poker room with a few table games. The bigger the loss the stronger the pull to take your next paycheck and win it all back. Always thinking, my luck is going to change and this time I’ll walk away. Then, now I’m really in trouble. I have no choice but to gamble this next paycheck. So sickening. So depressing that I’ve believed this lie for so long and hurt so many people. I wish I was normal. I‘m so jealous of normal people who pay their bills and enjoy hobbies and family time. I’ve ruined all that, but all I can do is take one day at a time. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Stay strong! Doing the right thing when you’re an addict is much more difficult than the world gives us credit for. I just hope I can do the right thing today. 

[lizbeth4]

Hi. Please don’t gamble your next paycheck! We just keep feeding this awful addiction and it makes it harder and harder to ever recoup. Stopping is not easy but the more days we have gamble free the stronger we become. Do you think you could get a extra part time job for awhile? The creditors can only garnish your wages up to a certain percent after a judgement in court has been filed. I truly believe we can retrain our brains to stop this behaviour. Just take it one day at a time. Your happiness will come back. Stay strong!

[Monica1]

How r u today?

[Trucker334]

Thank you for the encouragement and reminder I need it! I’m reminding myself every day to pay bills and give my family money this week. A part time job isn’t possible as I’m on the road 24/7 and work an average of 70 hours a week. I’m not too stressed about the garnishment. If I’d just apply the extra money I’d normally gamble to that bill I can have it paid of pretty quickly. I’ve just got to stick to my guns and avoid the casinos. It’s difficult being out here alone with no accountability, but this site is helping. Thanks again for taking the time to follow up. It means a lot. Stay strong, you’re helping me so I know you can continue to help yourself!

[Trucker334]

I‘m in Florida and had to drive down I-75. There were signs saying, “I’d rather be playing black jack“ and I had to admit that was true of me. I did divert my attention to other matters and the rush went away pretty quickly. I’m only miles from one of my favorite casinos, but I don’t have any intentions of going. I’m kind of anxious about my next paycheck, but I’m making plans to be wise with my money. It’s been a good day overall I’ve been very positive. Thank you for taking the time to check on me. I really feel like making that first post here was one of the best things I could do. Hope you’re doing well. 

[CraigMac6]

Hello Trucker,

Its great to see you are doing well today and having a positive attitude definitely helps out. There were a couple of things that I have to share with you, and the first is that BIG win we were speaking of. Well, just to give you a little background on me, I’m a sports betting addict and I have been betting on sports for about 10 years. I can honestly say the ultimate high of my life was a sports bet (wow that sounds terrible) but it is true. I asked you the other day what the chances would be of you hitting it “BIG” and actually walking away; and I did that because there was a time when I placed a 3 team parlay bet for 1.5k and turned it into 10,500 all in one night. I can’t begin to tell you how nervous I was when that last came was completed. Ironically, I was working a second job at the time (to pay for my gambling addiction) and I was following the game on my computer as i paced the store in the final seconds of the game. I hit it BIG (at least big enough to get me out of debt a little bit) but you know what, I can admit that I never saw 1 damn dime of that money. In fact, it was all lost within a week. When that happened, I realized I had a huge problem and I have told myself over and over no matter how much I win, there is a 99 percent chance I will give those winnings back plus more!

You also made mention of being jealous of normal people and you wish you were normal. Well, brother, to be honest, I don’t think anyone is normal and I firmly believe everyone is fighting some type of battle. Ours just happens to be gambling. Thats our battle. A lot of people have issues that they are never willing to confront, like you are with gambling. And quite honestly, I look at my addiction like this; yes I could be so much further ahead in life if I didn’t gamble and things most likely would be much better in general. However, I believe tough times help us develop into people of great character. Is lying, cheating, stealing and all those things in order to gamble a representation of someone with great character? Absolutely not ! But when we get through this, we will be better people in the end. These tough times will make us into better people. So yes we could wish to be normal and have an easier life, but would that help shape us into the people we want to be? Going through an easy life wouldn’t develop any character. You can be normal with paying your bills and all those things, but I can promise you this when its all said and done, we will be better people because of this difficult time. I would much rather have that, than to live an easy life and be just “normal.” We will develop mental strength and toughness that only can be developed through tough times. Sorry for rambling but I know I am a way better person today after being free of gambling for 15 days than I was prior.
Keep posting and always feel free to reach out. Together we can do this! I’ll make my promise to you, no gambling for me today, sir.

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