[TFRSFOS]

Hello.

I have finally come to the realisation that i need help.

A little background

I am 23, and have always enjoyed gambling to so some extent since ive been the legal age, it used to be just ￡20 or 30 here and there on the weekends on sports accumulators.

Recently it has spiralled out of control, playing live blackjack and roulette online.

The worst thing that could happen to me was the fact i had a few big wins at the start, turned ￡200 into ￡1800 on blackjack. This was then all lost within the space of a few days, along with another ￡1000 on top. I couldnt accept that, and the chasing begun i lost another ￡2000 in the space of a week despite having chances to walk away with atleast my own money back, no greed and the compulsion to gamble was too much and i lost it all again. Maxed out all my credit cards etc. Im sure its a very familiar pattern to many on this site.

I then recently took out a loan of ￡4000 and promised myself and my parents that i would use it to pay off some debts and put it to good use. I fully intended to do this, but you guessed it withhin a day id lost 75% of the loan gambling again, i just couldnt stop myself.

I am devastated at what this has done to my mental health and ashamed of myself. I can honestly say i never thought this kind of thing would happen to me.

I am now in a very difficult financial position all down to my own selfishness.

I know this has to stop, and i know i have to put these losses behind me and try to move forward with my life, but at thw moment i am really struggling to cope.

Thanks for reading

[velvet]

Hello Tfrsos and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[TFRSFOS]

So despite everything inside telling me no, and feeling physically sick whilst doing it, i just gambled my last ￡1000 away. Still had that ridicolous sense of false hope we all get when despositing, ‘maybe this is the time i win my recent losses back and walk away happy’

It lasted all of 15 minutes. I broke down as my balance read zero once again knowing the magnitude of what i have again done.

I wont let this addiction ruin my life although right this moment it feels that way. And its going to take a lot of strength to get through it.

I have just self excluded myself from every account i have.

I have lost 10 grand in the past few months, and thinking what i could have done with the money makes me sick to my stomach and eternally ashamed especially considering my job is low income and day to day life is a struggle.

The losses hurt so bad, but i am trying to tell myself that me making the decision to stop here and now, will save me a lot more money in the future. There is no doubt the ￡1000s would keep adding up if i dont.

[vera]

“Despite all” is a common catchphrase for many Compulsive Gamblers.
In spite of my several heavy losses, my many sick stomach , my high anxiety, my shock at losing my first 2k many years ago, I continued gambling.
Despite a friend stating at that time “Don’t look for my shoulder to cry on when your 2 k loss becomes 20k disaster.”
Despite his prophetic words (the 2k changed fast to 20K)
Despite the 20k turning to 200k in what seemed like the blink of an eye, I still gambled.
WHY??
Because I am a CG and no loss , no win will ever satisfy me.
And I was headstrong as well as “hooked” and I thought I loved gambling!
“Despite all” can become a form of justification for gamblers.
You may not understand this YET but at some time you will.
The ONLY way you will “win” is to deny yourself all access to money, cards and credit.
Read and answer the 20 Questions in Gamblers Anonymous. (Available online)
Admit you are powerless over gambling. (First Step)
When you set up barriers to prevent you gambling and take steps to ensure you CANNOT gamble, things will change.
“Despite all” will become “Because of all or due to all”…..( I have done) ,
I did NOT lose that last grand.
I did not borrow more to chase my last loss.
I did not lie and cheat to obtain funds to create more chaos .
“Today, I did not gamble ” will be your new catch phrase
To come to that point T, you will need to seek help.
Well done on joining GT
Try GA also , where you will be given “a bag of tools ” with instructions that will explain why you need never again, to say
“Despite everything, I gambled my last thousand away”

My heart goes out to you T because reading your posts reminds me of how gutted I felt so often.I was in your position many , many times. I ignored all advice for years and created hell on earth for myself whilst making very rich men even richer.
Gambling is a progressive disease. It does not go away.
You need to resist it at every level possible.
Lots of support available
GRAB IT with both hands to prevent you coming back in 20 years time writing
“Despite everything i was told I ruined my life”
God forbid that it should ever come to that.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
You have come to the right place, at the right time for help.
Gambling ruins everything.
Keep posting

[TFRSFOS]

Thanks for the detailed reply vera.

It really hit home.

I am finding the losses so hard to accept, the constant thoughts of why didnt i just walk away at ‘such and such’ amount down. Now ive lost everything i had and put myself in even more debt and fininancial struggle. All for what? This addiction, this drug.

Right now it seems impossible to move forward, this is effecting everything in my life, mental and physical health, my job, my relationships with friends and family, my hobbies. Its taking everything. Thoughts of doing something stupid are constantly in my head but i know it isnt an option.

[Anonymous]

Hi TFR.

It sounds like you’ve hit the bottom to me. Good news though there’s only one way to go if you have and that way is up.

It might not feel like it at the moment but you have time on your side if you decide that enough is enough. You can recover mentally and physically and you can also get your debts sorted and under control, if you really want to and you take onboard the advice people will offer you.

When I was your age I was in prison for the second or third time, all due to gambling. I really didn’t care. More importantly I didn’t listen, I do care now and I do listen. What I no longer do is gamble.

You can see how pathetic your gambling has become, so however pathetic the fundamental advice offered may seem it is offered by people who will have been in very very similar situations, and is offered in the hope you take it on board and never gamble again.

Accepting the gravity of what I had done was very very hard to do, but ultimately I have had to accept it otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to move on. I had been riddled with guilt and shame which ultimately lead me back to gambling.

It dosnt sound like you’ve been to a GA meeting so I wonder if you’ve heard of the Serenity Prayer. It dosnt matter if you’re a religious bloke or not it makes a lot of sense;

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. ( You can not change the past, you can not change the fact you are a compulsive gambler).

The courage to change the things I can ( You can change your behaviour, you can change your negative outlook, you can say “no” to gambling).

And the wisdom to know the difference. ( Speaks for its self, you can’t change the past let it go, you can act now in order to build foundations for a brighter future).

A common sense mantra we all should live by. No doubt you will have tried to stop on your own before it’s near enough impossible to do so. You will need practical and emotional support to beat this. Do your parents know about this latest episode.

If I were you I would sit down and talk to them about it. Don’t just fill them with empty promises show them you’ve been here, ask them for their help.

Can you get your wages paid directly into their account?

I no longer get my wages paid into my own account and it is the best practical thing I have ever done. That alone hasn’t fixed my gambling problem it just puts an almighty barrier in the way.

I would highly recommend doing something similar. I would also suggest you self exclude from all the sites you gamble at, and any venues you used to gamble at aswell. There is some great blocking software available these days, if you are serious about quitting get some installed now before payday comes around. It’s no good installing it yourself as you need to create a password so maybe get your parents to do it for you.

Gambling mate is a very serious addiction it is progressive and never gets any better. The amounts of money you talk about will seem like fortunes to many, whilst others will be thinking “I wished I’d only lost that much”. The amounts are neither here nor there. It’s spirals very fast as you’ve experienced. Vera has given you a great insight.

Please do the right thing mate, it might take years to recover from this mess, but it’s not impossible.

I have to go, I’m at work and about to leave on a long journey but if I get time I’ll post you a copy of something Kin sent me and I hope it helps. Otherwise please look at my thread and you will see many inspiring and thought provoking messages from Kin.

Gtg.

All the best, keep posting.

Geordie.

[Anonymous]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I fall in.

I am lost.……I am hopeless,

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,

I pretend I dont see it,

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But I believe it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,

I see it is there

I still fall in…..it‘s a habit

I know where I am

It is my fault

I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,

I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[TFRSFOS]

Hi geordie thanks for the detailed reply. I appreciate it.

Unfortunately since my last post things got even worse unbelievably, ive reached an even lower rock bottom. I went 8 days without gambling.

But that all came crashing down again, i took out another loan which stupid interest rates because my credit score is so poor now. And ye you guessed it i lost everything within the space of 24hours, another ￡3000. Also most of last months wages.

Its hard to comprehend how powerful this addiction is, and for people who dont suffer from it to understand how someone can be so selfish and heartless to themselves and those around them.

I desperately dont want to give into this and let it ruin my life but i cant kid myself, thats how it feels right now. The losses are so great now for me personally that its hard to even comprehend.

I am looking into GA meetings, and have spoke to my mum about it. She was understandably angry and upset. She cant help me financially but is doing all she can to help me get through this and for that im grateful.

I try again from today

[Just26]

Hi tfrsfos,

I guess I can’t offer you much from experience point of view, as I only joined yesterday having blown my savings of over ￡6000. But I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know that there are people going through the exact same feeling of shock, regret and shame that you are.

You hit the nail in the head on your first post – these things don’t happen to me. I’m that guy too, I thought I was above addiction and I’m slowly beginning to realise that this is absolutely not the case. I woke up this morning still feeling physically sick, I can’t look my partner in the eye because I can’t deal with the guilt I am feeling about keeping this dirty secret from him. But what I have done is spent the day analysing my finances and working out a plan. I’m slowly beginning to feel that there might just be a way out of this for me. It is going to take hard work and serious denial of some of the pleasures in life that I once enjoyed. I got myself into this mess and I’ll get myself out of it, you can too.

I know you’ve hit rock bottom but from the little experience I have had on this forum, there are some fantastically supportive people out there. Please keep visiting, I think we could really use each other’s help! ??

[TFRSFOS]

Hi j26.

It helps a lot knowing that others are going through the same kind of thing and youre not alone in this.

I just read your topic and i can relate. Im sorry to hear you have lost your savings. Online gambling casino games in particular are brutally unforgiving and like you said, before you know anything about it you are thousands of pounds down and in shock and disbelief at what youve done. I would never have done this in real life casinos.

It sounds like this is your first big loss, and my only advice to you would be do not even consider the thought of trying to win any of it back gambling. I had chance after chance to stop the rut, but that niggling feeling of “if i just deposit another ￡1000 i know i can get it all back” has screwed me over time and time again and i find myself in a far bigger hole than i needed to be because of it.

You sound like you have the right positive mindset and have set yourself a plan. I will keep posting definitely. Good luck

[vera]

Hi TF.
I know how you feel right now. I lost c o u nt of the high interest loans I took out. In the end I was getting loans to pay off debt . How crazy is that? And even crazier , as soon as I would lay my hand on the cash, I would shoot straight off to the casino and lose the lot in a few hours, then I would have to phone the agent from the loan company a week later with a cock ‘n bull story and repeat the same process. MADNESS!!
The bottom line is we are Compulsive Gamblers which means we will never, never, never win .Therefore gambling is a pointless exercise. I knew that for years, yet a small part of my brain convinced me I had limited control. CGs don’t have any control over gambling. Gambling controls us.
Let this be your final loan T.
When you find yourself in six figure debt , it becomes really scary.
Stop handing cash. It’s like carrying a loaded gun. Lethal!
Well done on starting over.
You CAN stop gambling. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Just for today do not take out a loan!!

[TFRSFOS]

Thanks again vera. Yes the cycle that this horrible addiction puts you in is heartbreaking to say the least.

The phrase “we can never win, because we can never stop” hits the nail on the head, and ive realised this more than ever the past few weeks. Have i had chances to walk away with minimal losses and most my money back? Yep a few times, did i? Absolutely not, despite convincing myself i would if i got to that point, it just continued and continued until everything and i mean everything and more was gone again. Crazy.

I want this to be the end of this so badly, it has already taken so much joy of life away from me. I should be in a reasonably good financial posistion now, not the complete mess im currently in.

Im going to start posting daily, updating my progress. I do not want to gamble anymore, i will not gamble. I will not let this take anymore from me than what it already has. The losses are gone, they are not going to come back from gambling more.

Day 1 i will not gamble today

[TFRSFOS]

Hi guys.

Really struggling today, the magnitude of the mistakes ive made gets more real each day. The realisation that i have ruined my life for the foreseeable future in the space of a few weeks of gambling is devastating to say the least

Mixture of emotions, anger, sadness, resentment

Bills and loan repayments will take up 80% + of my monthly wage from now on. It never had to be this way.

The urges to gamble are still very much there, although i have now completly exhausted all methods of financing this.

There is no easy way out of this mess i have gotten myself into, but i hope with time things get easier than they are right now. Its hard to look forward with any kind of positive mindset atm

T

[velvet]

Hi TFRFOS
I normally write on the F&F forum but I was drawn to your thread when you said that you had spoken to your mum who was understandably angry and upset but is doing all she can to help you get through this. I am glad that she can’t help you financially because it wouldn’t help you and it would only rope her into your problem when she needs to keep control of her life.
What is she doing to help you and is she getting support for herself?
She has probably known that you have been unhappy without knowing the reason why and the reason why is because it is bewildering, not only to you but to her too. In the F&F forum and in the F&F group there is understanding and support for her which will help her support you in the best way possible.
You are right that there is no easy way out of this mess and gambling is the worst option to even attempt – as a CG you cannot win but only sink deeper.
You have done something positive by coming here and I believe that GA will support you further – it may be worth finding a group in your area. If they have a sister group called Gamanon it would be a haven for your mum to talk and find out that she too is not alone.
It is a positive attitude, support and time that gradually brings healing and I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that this can happen and you can live a wonderful gamble-free life.
I wish you and your mum well and I hope she will get the support that she needs so that she can support you in the best way possible.
Velvet

[kathryn]

I just wanted to post to let you know that things do get easier.
Working recovery everyday really makes a difference. Posting and reading here can be a great resource. Put up barriers, get someone to help you with your day to day financials and be accountable for what you spend.
We will always be cg’s. Always.
You can live a gamble free life. I’m not saying its easy, but its definitely worth it. Things will ease in time, pressures will lessen and your brain will not be all consumed by this addiction.
Take care, K xx

[charles]

Hi TFRFOS,

You can stop gambling, get to those GA meetings, get yourself banned from whereever it is you normally gamble, make yourself accountable so that you can’t access funds as easily as you have been.

I am going to comment on your debts. Is having to pay 80%+ of your wages sustainable? I don’t need to know the figures but i always say that if paying something off in 3 years means living like a hermit then we are better to pay them off in 5 years and start to see some of those non gambling benefits. If thigns aren’t manageable/sustainable then I would advise you to get some proper financial advice. The Citizens Advice Bureau or Step Change will give you that advice and they are free.

Keep posting.

[TFRSFOS]

Hi all.

Thanks for the messages of support.

Unfortunately fell off the wagon again today, had ￡100 that was meant for getting me by day to day the next week or 2. I put it on a horse racing treble, 2 won the other was beaten close to the line. It would have returned nearly 3k. Cruel, but i almost see it as a punishment for gambling again.

I know that gambling is not the answer to get me out of a mess that gambling has got me into, and i know it will only further worsen the problems i have yet i still do it.

I feel like im so far in a hole, that i have no choice, im just being honest and upfront. I suppose the inability to let go of my losses is the cause of this as im still chasing with any kind of money i get.

I feel pathetic and lost.

[TFRSFOS]

Hi guys

Been a few weeks since i last posted and thought id update and remind myself of why i signed up here in the first place.

I have continued to gamble recently, a week ago i happened to get lucky or unlucky as it turned out to be and ‘won’ a large chunk of my gambling losses back from a relatively small deposit. I was on cloud nine, all my money problems gone for now, fell back in love with gambling, my luck had finally changed. This all seems so easy again.

I convinced myself time and time again that if i had that one win to just get me out of trouble i would run away happy and stop for good. I genuinely believed this would be the case of course it didnt go like that. All that happened was my greed and compulsion to gamble got stronger and stronger again as the balance stacked up, the stakes raised, before the eventual bad streak of losses and crash back down to earth with not a penny left

This is a serious brain disorder that doesnt just let go, it tricks you in everyway possible to keep you gambling and however much you convince yourself youre in control the reality is you arent and never will be for as long as you continue to gamble and feed it.

I would do anything to get my life back to how it was before this addiction caught hold of me, and its only me who can do that. This addiction isnt about the money and its took me a long time to realise that, we depend on the feeling and buzz that gambling gives to function and make us happy for that short period of time, but forget the mental pain, financial problems and anguish it creates long term.

Its a lose lose situation, when i win i lose, when i lose i lose even harder

Im still fighting this and want to beat it. I dont want to keep feeling this way, keep finding myself in the same old patterns and mistakes. The feelings of regret, guilt, anger relying on that rush of winning or even losing to get by day to day. It is no life

[kathryn]

You’re right, it is no life and no one deserves to live that way.
What can you do to protect yourself? Have you got someone close to you that you can confide in? Perhaps you need someone to take over the reins for a while and let you breathe?
Give you a small (and I mean small) daily allowance to get you through the week?
This addiction is just horrific. Soul destroying.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Make this your time to change, put up some barriers now, get to a GA meeting, keep posting!!!
Keep fighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love K xxx

[TFRSFOS]

Thanks for the supportive words K.

Today feels different for me in someway, i have never felt this sick and tired of being a gambling addict as i do right now. The other times as much i was in turmoil at the amounts of money i had lost, it was more anger at the fact id lost, but still deep inside knowing that i thought i could win it back, did i think i wanted to quit? Ye absolutely, but deep down im not sure i truly did.

I can honestly say i dont want this life anymore, it is pathetic and soul destroying. Your happyness, mental health and finances resting on the turn of a randomly shuffled card where the house has an advantage and always wins in the end. It makes no sense, because its just that, senseless to the core.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I cant let this control my life anymore. I was on holiday a few days ago, having a great time, but even then the urge to play hands of blackjack crept in and one night after a few drinks this turned into a big loss and ruined the rest of the holiday for me and those around me. But forgetting the money, its the fact that despite being on holiday and having a great time my brain still felt the need for that rush, thats what upsets me the most now. Gambling has been number 1 priority in my life the past 6 months in every singleway and i want this to be the end.

I will no longer be in control of my cards, and have excluded myself from every single casino i know online. I have even took the measure to sign up and instantly exclude from ones ive never even used.

I want my life back

T

[kathryn]

Oh well done on taking the steps you need to protect yourself.
I’m sorry your holiday didn’t go as well as you planned.
When I stopped gambling, it wasn’t because of something major, I just became sick and tired, just like you.
I finally found the strength to get my barriers up and get of the rollercoaster.
My favourite saying is ‘to live, that would be a great adventure’.
Its true.
I am living. I am happy (for the most part! lol)
Its your time. Keep posting, keep working on your recovery. This addiction will always be there. Over 8 years and I still have days. My exclusion prevents me from acting. This site keeps me sane and grounded.
So happy to read you have taken such positive steps for yourself.
Take care, K xx

[2017shaun]

8 years k? Wow.. this road to recovery seems long and painful. I hope it gets easyier.
Good luck all the best

[Author]

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