So, best way for me to go about this is to just talk about my last week. Came out of the GM house on the 6th and spent the weekend with my family. They had a lot of questions, some more difficult to answer than others, but it felt good to clear the air about some things and draw a line under everything that had happened before. Moved into my new flat last Monday, all good. Met up for a few drinks with a fellow Glaswegian I had met in the GM house. A few drinks soon became a few too many drinks and it led to my first real urge to gamble since being out. It was a BIG urge. However, I didn’t gamble and have given it alot of thought as to why I wanted to so much.

Just because I’ve done a 14 week programme and my first few days out of the house were free from urges I was in a super confident and happy mood. This led to a bit of overindulgence and recklessness with money. It was this recklessness with money that led me down a dangerous path. Gambling was only one of my problems. Albeit the most destructive one. Just because I’m no longer gambling doesn’t give me the right to throw money around and be reckless. I still need to focus on making the right choices that’ll make my life better.

Went back to work on Wednesday. It felt good to back, even though I was a tad hungover. The familiar walk to work past loads of betting shops with cash in my pocket. It wasn’t that I was feeling different. How much money have I on me? How much can I afford to lose? I’ll just have one spin and see if today is a lucky day. I was just aware that these thoughts weren’t there and it felt amazing.

Done a few more shifts at work since then and I’ve actually felt a bit better about being there.

Flat situation is weird. 8 new individuals all moved in at the same time. Everyone seems to be staying in their rooms. I have made the effort to eat and watch TV on my laptop in the communal kitchen in an effort to engage some of them but I suppose it’s still early days yet.

Student loan payment went in today. Went into town and bought a new pair of trainers and some sports gear. Joining the gym later on tonight and going along to a local table tennis club on Wednesday night. New university semester starting on Friday and I am heading along to the Mature Students’ Association open day on Thursday to try and get involved in that. Feels great to have a large some of money at my disposal and no urges to gamble with it. Again, it’s not that I think I’m thinking differently but I’m aware of the gambling thoughts not being there.

Anyway, enough for what happened over the last 10 days.

Until next week.

109th day without gambling ??

Hello all, thanks for the comments.

Well week 2 came and went. Joined the uni gym (although I haven’t been yet), went to the local table tennis club which proved to be a little (a lot) above my standard and went to the Mature Student’s Association which wasn’t really what I thought it would be. Did a few extra shifts at work as I had a lot of spare time that week and then went along to an open day for the university rifle club but, again didn’t feel it was for me but at least I made the effort to go along and see. That was really it for week 2. No gambling urges at all.

First half of week 3 was great went to my lectures on Mon/Tue/Wed and then had my half sister up to my flat on Wednesday afternoon when she finished school and I cooked her her dinner. It all went downhill after that though.

I was restless in my flat, I’d had a good ten days, a day off coming up and I was lonely. I decided to go to the pub to watch the football. 5 pints later and I was craving company so I texted a friend who came to meet me. We ended up on a 30hour binge which left me physically and mentally hurt. I spent a load of money, called in sick for work on Friday. Managed to drag myself in for a couple of small shifts Sat/Sun but have spent the last three days totally depressed and missed my lectures this morning. There are still positives to take though. Over the weekend and today I have found myself feeling very upset to the point where I have been in tears. When I was gambling I would have buried these feelings and gone out gambling to make myself feel better but, although it’s still not nice, I’ve been able to sit with my feelings and just accept being upset. I now feel extremely isolated, afraid to come out of my room and a shadow of the person that came out of residential treatment 3 weeks ago. Vera…..I should’ve taken your advice and will now.

I think I thought the reason I felt so good coming out of therapy was simply because I hadn’t gambled and didn’t feel that I wanted to any more. There’s no point in me replacing gambling with other destructive behaviors and expecting the end result to be any different. I am choked with the cold at the moment, probably because of what I put my body through over the past week but, once I am better, I will go back to living as I did in therapy. A tight weekly budget, no alcohol, meetings every day (uni classes) and a positive outlook. The way I felt coming out of therapy is still fresh in my mind and I am keen to return to that asap. The last few days have really shown me how fragile my recovery is and I’ll do everything I can to assess my wrong choices and get back onto the right path I deserve to be on and am capable of navigating.

123rd day gamble free ??

Week 4 done and dusted and, happy to say, nothing bad to report. After having quite a bad few days during week 3 I took some time out just to focus and get my head back to where it needs to be. I was feeling much better by about Thursday and had given much thought about giving up alcohol completely so decided to commit to not drinking alone, either in my flat or at the pub. I invited my new manager out for a few drinks after work on Thursday night and it was great. For the first time in, I can’t remember how long, I had a sociable few drinks with a friend. It turns out we actually have quite alot in common, and, as there was a quiz happening in the pub we went to, which we just missed the start of, we have decided to make it a regular thing on a Thursday night. Fantastic! I think I have made my first new friend since coming out of residential therapy. No problems afterwards either which, for me, was great. No wanting to go off on my own and carry on drinking. No thoughts at all about any forms of gambling. Just satisfied with a few drinks after work with a friend. Now, my next big move came on Saturday. I bought a PS4. Reasons for this, 1) I have the money, 2) I’m trying to brighten up my living environment, 3) It’s fun and I enjoy it. Before, I could never part with that much money unless it had came off the back of a big win. I’m confident enough with the way I’m feeling that if I keep on the path I am on, I’ve got enough money coming in that my bank balance will move in the right direction. It feels so good to have money in the bank before pay days to the point where I find myself surprised sometimes that I’ve been paid and haven’t even remembered it’s been a payday. A stark contrast to checking my bank balance every 5 mins to see if wages had gone in so I could go and buy some food. I’ve just returned home with a corner sofa which I managed to get off gumtree for ￡100. I’m so pleased with it. My room is now at a standard where I can invite some of my flatmates in to watch the footie or x-factor (if they’re that way inclined).

Birthday tomorrow so will be out with my family for something to eat. Plan for the rest of the week is study, study, study. After taking a bit of time out to focus last week I missed some lectures but feel better for it now and ready to get stuck in.

130th day gamble free ??

It’s been a good week on the whole. Was out for dinner with my family on Tuesday night which was great. Had a bit of a low day on Wednesday. Just starting to get a bit stressed out with studying. I’m finding it really hard to keep interested in what I’m supposed to be doing. I probably started university for the wrong reasons from a gambling perspective a few years back. Now, I’m trying to see it as more than an opportunity for a student loan but I just don’t think I’m interested in accounts. Anyway, I can do alot of other things with a degree not necessarily accounts related. I’ll be fine. Worked Thursday and Friday and went out to watch the Scotland game yesterday with one of my flatmates. Was good to finally break the ice with one of my flatmates.

I’ve been contemplating whether or not to post this next bit but, I’m still in recovery, and if I’m not being honest on here then what is the point.

I played poker online last night.

Got a cash voucher for ￡40 from a nearby shop and sat down to play at around 9.30pm. Played in a tournament that lasted until 3.30am. I now have ￡525 in my poker account.

I’m feeling OK about it today though for the following reasons.

1) I didn’t really enjoy playing. I was expecting the same sort of feelings of enjoyment I got before I went into therapy and they just weren’t there.
2)I was able to stop playing and keep what I had won. I’ve never been able to do that before.
3)At no point did I feel pressure to do any other forms of gambling, nor have I had any urges to gamble with my winnings.

I’ve cashed out what I had in my account and self excluded from the site. I feel like I’ve let people down. Maybe myself? Maybe not? Maybe it was OK for me to dip my toe in the water and see how it felt. I didn’t like it. I’m confident that if the enjoyment isn’t there any more then I won’t want to play.

0 days gamble free but I’m OK

I’m OK. The thing I’m most annoyed about is my gamble free days. They were at 135. Now they are back to zero, but, hey, it’s just a number. What’s important is how I’m feeling about the whole thing. Actually feeling pretty good about myself. I could have gone through the next year wondering every other week or so, „Hmmm, I wonder what it might be like playing poker now?” „Would I be in control and able to enjoy it without risk?” I’ve answered those questions and put it to bed now like a few other initial urges I had at different stages of my recovery so far. Very happy also that I could be open and honest here. The alternatives were to disappear or to go on posting, pretending it never happened but I’d have been lying every post when I mentioned my gamble free days. It made me feel so much better to talk about what happened here and I thank you all for your interest and your support.

Well. Week 6 and it only took me until Tuesday night to lose the money I’d won on Saturday. Gambling establishments are clever and they know how to manipulate their customers. The poker site blocked my withdrawal request and were making me jump through hoops to release the funds. Whether it was me justifying it to myself or really just wanting to get over the whole incident I played with the ￡525 I had in my online account until it was gone. It took a couple of hours. Felt real frustration and contempt for the poker site for blocking my withdrawal request which I requested immediately. I obviously had to wait until they released the funds before I self excluded. Anyway, lost my „virtual” balance and then self excluded. I’ve self excluded from this site numerous times over the years for 180 days at a time. This time I self excluded for life and felt happy that I’ve drawn a line under it and I’m moving on. No urges at all to gamble since. I feel the same way about gambling as I did a few weeks back before it happened so still really happy about my recovery. It’s 6 weeks now since I have been out of residential therapy. 6 weeks of always having money in the bank before payday ?? 6 weeks of never being hungry ??

Still, the remainder of the week threw up another couple of incidents. Went to the pub quiz on Thursday night with my new friend from work. We started off well but fell behind on the music round. At the end of the quiz I noticed the barmaid out on the floor selling raffle tickets. Alarm bells immediately rang in my head as I knew I was in a difficult situation. I decided to wait and see how my friend responded when she came to our table. The raffle was for a rollover prize which was currently sitting at just over ￡100. Tickets cost a pound and the owner of the winning raffle ticket took part in a higher or lower card game to win the money.

My friend bought two tickets.

I bought a ticket.

Why, because my situation dictates that I cannot let this person know I am a compulsive gambler. Partly because he is my boss at work and probably because I’m still in the early stages of a new friendship and want to fit in. He knows I’ve gambled in the past and that I’m no longer betting on football but I felt for me to refuse to buy a ticket would have sent alarm bells ringing and may have led to an awkward situation. Neither of us won the raffle but, still, more questions are raised now about the motivation for being at the quiz. Does the quiz now play second fiddle to the raffle? I don’t know. Time will tell. Again, I can only try and draw positives from the situation as it hasn’t led to any urges.

Then, on Saturday, we were about to do a stocktake at work and we had run out of pens. My boss asked me to nip across to the bookies and get some. What was I supposed to do? I’ve not set foot in a bookies for over 4 months. I was a little nervous walking over but I felt I would be OK and I was. I was in and out in 20 seconds. Grabbed the pens and left. No feelings at all when I was in there. No feelings afterwards. Well, maybe a little pleased with myself that I had been able to do it so easily.

Other than that, was overplaying the playstation so have addressed that and now only going to play at the weekends. For the next three weeks anyway as I have a lot of uni work (essays and tests) due in, all of which counts towards my final grade.

I’ve been overspending on food. Too many takeaways. So I spent ￡30 on a weekly shop, all healthy stuff, to try and sort that issue. Still think I’m being bit careless with my money as still adjusting to actually having some.

I’m giving up on trying so hard to make friends with my flatmates. I think I’ve been trying to force it too much and I might be coming across as pushy or desperate. I’ve made invitations to all of them, the majority of which have been ignored so if I make friends or don’t, at least I’ve tried. If it happens, it happens. I won’t try to force it any more.

Decided to stop thinking about gamble free days. I’m doing good and that’s what counts ??

Well. Things are not good. Decided two weeks ago that as I was feeling confident about not being at risk from certain types of gambling that I deserved as much a chance as anyone else at winning the lottery so bought a couple of lottery tickets for the week. After work last Sunday ended up having too much wine to drink. Went out after midnight, withdrew ￡200 cash from the cash point and got taxi to the casino. It was closed for refurbishment. Got taxi back home. Played the lottery again last week and had day out arranged for yesterday (sunday) to watch the footie in the pub with guys from work. Decided on Saturday that the guys from work would be putting football bets on and I wanted to be involved so I took the ￡150 that was in my flat (what remained of the ￡200 I had lifted from the bank the previous Sunday) and went off to place my bets for the football on Sunday. Placed ￡20 on a couple of bets for Sunday, ended up also putting ￡20 of bets on for the Saturday games and then lost my remaining ￡110 in the machine. Sunday came, bets lost, ended up spending the cash I had on me in the fruit machine in the pub. Withdrew the last ￡130 from my account, went to the bookies and lost it in a machine. Now I’ve got four days to wait until payday, a couple of eggs and a tin of tuna and 7p. A familiar situation but one, I had hoped, I would never be in again.

Conclusions –
1) I thought I was OK with raffle tickets and lottery tickets but they were the starting point for what quickly escalated into uncontrollable gambling.
2) I need to stop drinking alcohol. I’m making excuses now that it’s OK because I’m making friends and being sociable but when the social time ends and I end up on my own I’m a liability.

So, back to square one, no more gambling of any sort and no more drinking for any reason. I desperately want the frame of mind back that I had when I was in residential therapy so need to work at getting that back.

Some positives for the last two weeks, my essays and exams have gone well. Got one more to go on Thursday. Also I joined match.com and it seems to be going quite well.

Thanks for your comments Harry. I understand where you are coming from when you ask if now is the right time for me to be looking for a partner and the short answer is no. But, what I am looking for is friends. I’m enjoying chatting to folk via that site and if it has the potential to lead to a night out at the cinema or out for a nice meal with company then I think that would be good. Friendship, I think, would lead me to a better frame of mind which, in turn, may get me closer to a point where I am ready to be in a new relationship. It’s early days yet anyway. We’ll see what happens. Thanks again

Busy, busy week. Last of my mid-term exams was on Thursday so spent the first half of the week studying for that. Started watching the Walking Dead from the beginning to break up my studying. It’s pretty good. Worked full days Fri, Sat and Sunday. I know I said I was giving up the alcohol, but, after such a busy week, the first half of which was really tough due to me having no money, I decided I would get some nice food in, a bottle of wine and just relax in front of the TV which is what I did last night. I told myself, „One bottle of wine, that is all.” Woke up this morning feeling pretty good. That’s a full week gone with no gambling, no more lottery tickets, raffle tickets, nothing at all. ??

Pretty uneventful week this week. In fact, so uneventful I’m finding it hard to think of much to say. I’m quite happy though. I’ve not really been bored just a relaxed week after exams over the couple of weeks prior. No gambling, no urges to gamble, all of which is positive. Was probably a bit hacked off about the money I lost when I had my slip a few weeks back so instead of thinking about trying to win it back I just picked up a few extra shifts at work that I might not have done otherwise. Meeting my dad tomorrow night to go to the Scotland v England friendly, if such a thing exists, ha ha. That’s all this week ??

Hi all. Slipped again over the past week and now in pretty much the same position I was in last month. Don’t feel as bad about it this month which I think may be a bad sign. Went on a first date on Tuesday night and it didn’t go very well. My date was fine and I think she liked me as she has tried to arrange for us to meet again but I felt really uncomfortable the whole night like I didn’t really want to be there but I felt it was what „normal” people do. Think I retreated to the familiarity of gambling the next night (Wed) with a few football bets. A few more football bets on Saturday. Pub after work to watch results coming in. More bets on evening kick offs. Ended up in a bookies playing the machines. Left myself ￡30 as couldn’t withdraw any more from the cash point. Withdrew it on my way to work this morning. ￡15 on football bets and ￡15 into the machine. Walked to and from work for the first time in 6 months. Worked through my break at work as I was worried people might wonder why I wasn’t buying food. Old habits and behaviours right back in play.

Now I’m wondering whether or not allowing my dad to have access to my account is a good thing. I feel like i have enough to deal with to get my recovery back on track without having to worry about his disappointment. I don’t know. Feel just now like I just want to be left alone.

Got major exams starting on the 12th I’m nowhere near ready for. Xmas at my dads. Been told I’m cooking again. Seriously, I cooked last year. Feel like I am invited there to make my dad feel better that I am not alone but that they don’t really want me there. Then it feels like I can’t refuse to cook xmas dinner because I’ve been invited and it would be rude. I’m going through a really tough time just now and just want to chill out on xmas day. I’d rather just be on my own.

Right rant over. Got an online therapy group tomorrow to talk about stuff. Fingers crossed my recovery continues. Feel like I might be closer to relapse than ever before.

Hi all, not going to go into all the stupid things I’ve done over the past 6 weeks and where it has left me at the moment. Suffice to say, I’m still alive, I’ve still got a roof over my head, I’ve still got a job and my place at uni. I’ve been trapped in the cycle spiralling further and further out of control. Enough. I’ve stopped before and I can do it again. Here goes…… ??

Well, I lasted 15 days, and then last night the familiar mix of alcohol and online gambling has left me with a sore head and an empty pocket. One difference this time though, I managed to destroy my laptop before going to bed. I thought I’d feel bad about it today but I do not. I’m up and about and have came into the library to get some textbooks to study and post on here. I’m sure this is going to be a positive step and will make my recovery easier. ??