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Back to hell

housedd — Fri, 26 May 2023 15:09:45 +0000

Hey there everyone.
Its been a while since i wrote here.I am a compulsive gambler.Iv been in this state for almost 4 full years.Last time i wrote here was last year whem i stopped gambling and said thats it,i cant do this anymore.And i was good for 4 months,i started to feel better and to enjoy life more,i was feeling that life is coming back slowly.Yes,i had thoughts about it but somehow i managed to keep this urge away by doing some stuff that i like.There were days with bad mood swings when i would cry in the morning and be happy in the evening and vice versa.Breaking point came when my girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years of being together.Thats where my world crushed completely.I was in debt,i lost person that i love the most,and i was supposed to leave to another coutry to work in with debt without any support and with this addiction.I just had this feeling that im alone,but i know its all my fault,im doing this to myself and to my loved ones.To be honest with all of you that are reading this,iv never felt more lonely in my life,it feels like all the problems caught up with me.
Im in UK now,im working,im paying back debt i made,i was gambling occassionaly making excuses that its not a lot of money but i was really not free.
Today i relapsed again,spending 400 euros in 30 mins.After doing this i was juSt laying in the bed looking at the wall for 2 hours,i dont even know how to explain that feeling to someone,one thing i know,i want to stop and be person i was before all of this,happy,cheerful and sane.I know i will never be the same after gambling,but i know one thing.I will try my hardest to not gamble anymore.
This is my first day.

The post Back to hell appeared first on Gambling Therapy.

This addiction is killing me from inside.

housedd — Wed, 28 Dec 2022 00:51:30 +0000

Hello everyone.(again)
I am compulsive gambler and iv been that for 6 years straight now.Tried to quit many times but i always found excuses to go back to casino and hit that play big button.Yesterday after 1 week being gamble free i relapsed.I lost 400 euros in 30 mins.During this short period of being gamble free i felt a bit better,i occupied my mind with other things.But i guees it was not enough,or im just a weak person.
I was walking to my girlfriends place because we had to organize some stuff around new year.I brought 400 e with me for shoping.I stoped at gas station to buy some cigarrets then in corner of my eye i saw a new opened casino.Something in me just flaped.I just said to myself that i will just lose 50 eu and thats is,not more.Point is i shouldnt go there in first place but i did anyway.I found excuse in my head,its just another small bet,why not.Ofc everything turned bad.I went in,lost 50 in 3 mins,then lost 350 in next half an hour.That moment when i lost everything i just stood up took glass of water and threw it into the machine.Bartender came and asked me to stay with him,because casino doesnt have any security and i managed to quickly ran away.I got into my car and drove home,i didnt go to my girfriends place because i didnt know what to say about money,i just said that i need to finish some private stuff and that i would come later.I got home,i went to my room,and started crying,screaming into pillow,asking myself why i did it again.This happend fourth time since i tried to quit and every time gets worse.I feel so useless and ashamed,i developed deppresion since i started.And scariest thing is doesnt even matter if i win,most of the time i will leave all my winnings in casino.Iv been chasing the rush whole time.I know deep inside that i need to stop or my life will never be normal,but right now i just dont see how i can and everything seems lost and is getting worse everyday.Im scared to tell my girlfriend because of her reaction,she didnt deserve this nor my family.
I just thought that i will feel better writing this and to be honest i do.I read a lot of topics and i know that im not the only one here.

The post This addiction is killing me from inside. appeared first on Gambling Therapy.

I did it again

housedd — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 12:57:06 +0000

Hello again,i posted here roughly 2 weeks ago because i wanted to stop gambling but today after 2 weeks of being clean i relapsed,i went to casino with my last money and lost it all.I cannot describe how i feel right now.I feel anger,i feel that i betrayed my family that i dont have power over my own actions and all of these are harsh truth.Nowadays i cant remember my life before i started to gamble,it seems that all good memories have vanished.I dont remember when was the last time i had good laugh.It is really fascinating how one life can be changed so much because of of some slots.
Now after some time i realize that i have serious issue thats impacting my life in various areas.I became depressed,not willing to go to work,relationship with my girlfriend is deteriorating because of my actions,and the worst thing of all is im hiding all of this from my loved ones because im scared of their reaction because im the last person they expect to be gambler.Winning money doesnt make sense now,i just play to feed this urge and thats it.Today i decided even with more courage and strenght that i will not gamble,for my family,my girlfriend and for me.

The post I did it again appeared first on Gambling Therapy.