[danchaser]

Hi,
I’m 43 years old and I’ve been a compulsive gambler for 25 years.
Three years ago, it all came to a head.  I was tasting metal in my mouth because of the guilt I felt for losing so much money.  Luckily for my wife and kids, I was too big of coward to pull the trigger.
That same day, I was committed to a suicide ward and started on the straight and narrow – GA meetings, therapy, etc.  All (gratefully) with the support of a wife who should have left me.
Before you assume I’m just a depressive personality, let me inform you that I’m not.  I have a beautiful wife and 4 wonderful children.  I own and operate my own successful businesses, have plenty of friends and a good social life.  NOBODY, except for my wife, knows about the selfish act I was contemplating (I told everyone I was in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer).
Everything was going well for me up until a year ago – two years into my recovery – when I decided there’d be nothing wrong with a small, sure-bet on a baseball game.  Which it was, I won.  But I didn’t stop there, I kept playing and winning and was up substantially.  But then I went on a mini – and when I say mini, it was only 5% of my winnings – losing streak.  Well, of course I had to make this back.  It was too much money to "lose".  That’s when my real problem came calling to make up the lost difference – blackjack.  Not only did I give back my winnings, I gave back my winnings AND three times that amount.
Now the old familiar feeling in my gut is back.  The sleepless nights are back.  The guilt is back.
But his time it’s different.  This time I know this critical thing: I CAN’T WIN!  I can’t.  Even when I win, I lose.  But it’s OK that I lost.  Hell, I was stressing out every day watching and paying attention to stupid MLB games that I normally switch the channel on instead of paying attention to the important people and things in my life. Not to mention the fact that I was hiding it.  Now that’s all gone (stress).  It’s literally a relief mixed with in with this hell.
The bottom line is this: it’s day one of the future.  I can do this if I don’t bet a penny on anything ever again.  I cannot allow my thinking to get to the point where I believe it’s OK to win a little money on a sure-thing.  Losing, or winning, even a penny is not winning or losing a penny, it means losing thousands.
From here forward, I am going to argue better with myself AGAINST betting when the inevitable, eventual time comes again that I think enough time has passed that I can gamble again and the outcome won’t be devastating.  I know better.
Day 1 is not so bad if you’ve been down this disastrous road before BUT understand that years start with a single day. 
I (we) can do this.  It’s simply a matter of understand who we are and what we are.  As compulsive gamblers, we cannot gamble a little.  We simply don’t grasp 'little’ well.  That train left the station long ago.
 

[icandothis]

Welcome!  Day 1 can be the best day of your life, if you decide to make it so.  I think you are determined to make it happen. We are here for you.  You begin your journey now.  The past is behind you.   I believe you when you say you don’t grasp "little" well.  Don’t do it anymore.   Live the "bigness" of life without gambling.  It is there for you. 

[danchaser]

Thanks for the kind words, icandothis.
Funny thing, I didn’t lose all of the "winnings" plus the other 300% back in one day.  It took 2 days. In fact, I was going to bet heavy on another sports team (Dodgers) to win back the first day’s loss before I decided on the quick fix – blackjack.  And guess what?  They won and I would have been back on top.
It’s maddening.  Not because I would have been up again, that’s not it.  I’d have eventually given that back too.  It’s the always telling myself what I should have done:  should have doubled down, shouldn’t have 'hit’, should have bet more/less on that hand/game, etc. 
Who ***** this extra kind of stressful thinking in their life?  We don’t have enough worries and concerns that we need to add losing-result card images and losing sports scores into our psyche?  How many ***** do I have to look myself in the mirror and explain this logic to myself again?  God willing, none.
There’s really only one way to overcome the impending depression that follows losing – win it back.  Since this is a fool’s choice and attempt, resulting in the exact – or more likely, worse – outcome, the only thing left is to suffer through it.  Yet, even though I have years of ample proof to the contrary, a sick part of me truly believes I may win it all back, which is so ridiculously impossible, it’s not even funny, but it still tries to convince me.  Since I can’t surgically remove this ill part of myself, I have to give more strength to the logical and reasonable side and try to focus on it.
Instead of telling myself that had I stuck to the plan I would be ahead, what I should be telling myself is the truth, which is, had I stuck to the plan, and kept sticking to it, I’d have lost far more than just a ****-load of money.
It’s no wonder gambling can cause insanity.  I feel closer to it every time I hit these gambling bottoms. 
I absolutely do not want this any more.

[Dunc]

Hi Danchaser, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy
Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in this addiction
Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer…
To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the ***** of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule.
For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when these options become available.
Also to say when you registered we would have sent you an email with an attachment, this attachment will help you navigate the site and find the support you so rightly deserve, alternatively this guide can be downloaded by clicking here.  
Take Care
Harry
25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

[razzabelle]

Hi Danchaser….You sound VERY DETERMINED and that is an excellent thing:)….I loved your line about "no wonder compulsive gambling causes insanity"…..I too have felt like I am about to go bonkers.  Sending you encouraging thoughts and hope that we will ALL have a gambling free day!  Keep Fighting This!You Get What You Give

[danchaser]

Thanks for the encouragement, Razabelle.
I have to be motivated about this.  Anything less would have me chasing lost money that will never, ever be in my account again via gambling. 
Honestly though, it’s exhausting just trying to keep positive while staring down the deceptive compulsion inside myself.  Heck, I don’t feel like a compulsive gambler, regardless of the proof.  I don’t get the shakes, get physically ill or have withdrawal seizures like most addictions provide when one decides to stop.  But I do have a compulsion, that’s for **** sure.  But ONLY when I give myself even the slightest nod of approval to gamble, then I’m a stark-raving mad stranger to myself.  Maybe not at first, but eventually, I get there.  That’s my old friend.
The thing that scares me the most right now is that this isn’t even the most sure I’ve been about not gambling again.  I sure hope this is an entire war, because I’ve lost a few battles.  But at least now I’m prepared for a trigger that before I wasn’t aware of before – this being that given time (two years this last time), I get lazy in my recovery (all ancient history now!) and allow myself to be***ve that I can just gamble a little and KEEP IT THIS TIME!  ****** for that bull****! 
This is the *** that lives in far too many of us compulsive gamblers: that we can be cured and it will all be like it was in the beginning – just a fun time at the casino.  No way, no how.  I’m afraid our recovery doesn’t end until the day we die and we cannot allow our guard down for even an instant, because this is precisely when the beckoning viper strikes (again) to deprive our lives of guiltless peace.  And when I say "guiltless peace", I can even do without the peace, just give me the 'guiltless’ (regarding gambling) and I’ll manage just fine. 
 
As a side note: I’d like to thank the operator(s) of this site for affording myself (and others) the opportunity to write these feelings down while I’m in this current state to read again at a later date when I think all’s well with having beaten my long-ago gambling addiction.  If you could keep it in operation for the duration of my life, that’d be perfect, because I need the man I am at the moment to remind the man coming later about just how dangerous he is.
 

[danchaser]

Only 2 1/2 days out and I just finished watching a movie with my wife and children.  Before that we spent and hour or so throwing a ball in the yard.  I was able to look my kids in the eyes and focus on what they were saying since my mind wasn’t preoccupied with which team was ahead/behind in whatever game I had placed a bet.
After they went to bed, I found out that the teams I would have bet on did win (in particularly the Dodgers, which whom I had been placing the biggest nut).  I would have had a very successful night.
You tell me, which is more important?
We watched the movie 'Awakenings’.
There was a line in the movie that brought tears to my eyes (of which I averted, of course – real men don’t cry) as it was so poignant of where I’m currently at:
What we do know is that, as the chemical window closed, another awakening took place; that the human spirit is more powerful than any **** – and that is what ***** to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter. This is what we’d forgotten – the simplest things.
 
 

[icandothis]

What a great quote.  Thanks for sharing.  Will go in my journal.  It’s not too late to "awaken" the giant with us all.  (I am reading "Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins)  Great book if you are ready to take action to change your life.  Myself?…well all I can say is…baby steps. lol 
I raise my coffee cup to you and to strengthening connections to the things that really matter.  Like playing ball and watching a good movie with your kids! 
PS  Sounds like Awakenings is a movie I should see.

[sirena0215]

Hi Dan,
How’s it going? Had you seen the Breaking Bad finale the other night? Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say hi and hope you’re doing well. Hope you are on better footing with your recovery this month.
All the Best,
Sirena

[danchaser]

Oh yea, doing fine. Thank you.

I just ran out of gas there for a minute. I was supercharged when I decided to quit, but after the adrenaline wore off, I was left with the calm. Calm and I aren’t yet compatible. I’m afraid I’m an adrenaline junky. I like action (not talking gambling here, necessarily), even though I mostly refrain, it’s still my nature. Mellow-living and I have to get better acquainted, I suppose. I’ll get there.

I have no worries about gambling again. I’ve been down that path so many times, tried all the angles, tried all my conceived winning methods and believed I could gamble reasonably and rationally….I’m simply done with it.

How about you? Going by you continuing to post here, I take it you’re doing well. Excellent.

Today, we own this.

[danchaser]

Watch the end of Breaking Bad?

Of course!

[danchaser]

8-12-13 was my first post.

Almost 2 months ago. Seems like yesterday.

It’s true what they say – 'The days are long, but the years fly by’.

[bije71]

Hey dan, my first post on here. I’m nearly 42 and have not gambled since 15th November 2012. Before that it was May 2012 and before that June 2011.
I’ve had blips which started with oh it won’t hurt to have a small bet etc. But you win win win and then lose lose lose…..lose. You have hit the nail on the head by understanding that we can’t risk money to win money.
I feel a gambler in recovery needs to live in reality not chasing goals that are difficult to achieve. Most of us are adrenalin junkies who love the rush. But you can change that slowly.
It’s not easy and a lot of 'friends’ won’t let u change as it’s hard for them to deal with a new you also. But you will find in time people slowly back off and people who are good for you will radiate to you and you to them.
And the reward is the new relaxed you, who can get up every morning and enjoy life. Enjoying the simple things in life and feeling good about It without the guilt of the gambling past.
I still go GA from time yo time which really helps me and I get to help others too.
My understanding in life is that enjoy life today and don’t chase happiness thinking 'I will be happy when I get this or when this happens in my life’. Because you can be happy today, it’s just realising that you can be and that it is allowed.

[sirena0215]

Hi Dan, so good to hear you’re on track with your goals. When you talk about learning to live in a more balanced (mellow) way, I hear you! I used to live in constant high gear and am learning to identify the gears between high and low.

I’ve not had many urges or worries about a relapse (with the exception of one big clarifying experience I’ll write more about in my own journal), but it helps to know that you and others are winning their battles. Whether we come to our own understanding of our addiction from many angles and recurring events or through big traumatic life-changing experiences, we do eventually come to a place that shows us who we are now. And we decide to live differently. You and I know the tricky part is 'living.’

May I ask, what are some of the activities you’ve discovered to get to a more balanced life?

All the Best,
-S

[danchaser]

What activities have a discovered to enable more balancing(?)….

None, really. Even during the most desperate periods of my compulsive gambling, I’ve been fortunate enough to not have to totally sacrifice the activities that I enjoy. Tapered back, sure, but not eliminated entirely. But enjoying and appreciating them is a different story.

I’m convinced that the last episode of Breaking Bad was scripted from an experienced addict. When Walt admitted that at the end, he was committing crimes because he enjoyed the power and rush it afforded him – regardless of the beginning ambition/goal – it defined adrenaline-junky addiction, and it defined me. I simply enjoy gambling. I love(d) the rush of being at the blackjack table, winning a months capital in an hour while risking a weeks pay on two or three hands. I crave it. There simply is precious little other that does it for me in the same vein as gambling does. I cannot and should not deny this fact or I risk losing focus on a major component of what draws me back in.

In summary, for me at this point, it’s not so much about what I’ve discovered to make my life more balanced, it’s about what I’m not practicing that makes my life unbelievably unbalanced.

Sirena, it’s a pleasure interacting with you. I sincerely hope the best for you in your recovery as you do mine.

[danchaser]

Hey Bije, welcome.

With the insight that you possess, I sincerely hope you don’t limit your posting. Reading your post is like listening to my own thoughts.

I used to regard people who didn’t have the strength to quit as weak victims. I dismissed enitrely the notion that addiction doesn’t only work in overt and obvious fashion, but that it also works in misleading, vague and subtle venues; that when I feel cured, I’m at our most vulnerable, as are we all. I’m no different, regardless of my inflated ego.

I needed to be deafeated by gambling multiple times in a multitude of circumstances in order to recoginize the obviousness of my addiction. Simply no one can lie more convincely to me than myself. I simply didn’t believe I was addicted.

So, how do we accept this new depriving reality of commonplace once the bitter sting of a recent gambling losss has faded into virtual nothingness? What fills the void we have been afforded?

I have to believe and trust in the notion that it does get better given time and I thank you for your validation.

[vera]

For me Dan, nothing will ever compare to gambling. The buzz /thrill I get every time I enter a the casino are irreplaceable. But the consequences have become too dire, so I have to surrender and kiss my lover goodbye! I often listen to the song „Nothing compares to you” and when I watch Sinead O Connor’s then beautiful face as she sings from her broken heart I see the same emptiness in her eyes that my own eyes reflect when I look in the mirror searching for something to replace what has been my „all”!….Life is not always about getting what we want, Dan, so today I am walking away from the illusion and saying, „This is not for me! I can’t have it! Tough but true!
„Better to have loved and lost , than never to have loved at all!”

[danchaser]

Right on, Vera, that’s precisely what I’m getting at: denying my desire, my natural inclination.

Even though the reasons I started to gamble evolved into something quite seperate and desperate, the reason I continue to go back is the very same: I enjoy it.

I cannot push this to the side or forget it. When the day arrives that I won’t feel too badly if I lost a little money on sports bet, I have to remember the source of this lie.

[danchaser]

The problem with being a compulsive gambler is that even if you won 40 million (cheating or not), you’d give it all back and still have the urge to gamble some more.

I thank God that at least I’m where I’m at and not where he’s at right now.

Three years, 40 million, gives it all back…sounds familiar.

EL CAJON, Calif. — A well-known professional gambler accused of cheating at cards at a San Diego-area casino has been extradited from Nevada to California.

The San Diego County district attorney’s office says 62-year-old Archie Karas won more than $8,000 in July by marking blackjack cards at the Barona Casino. He was arrested at his Las Vegas home in September.

Karas is a high-stakes gambler known for a winning streak from 1992 to 1995 that earned him $40 million at Las Vegas tables before he gambled it away.

Prosecutors said Friday that he faces nearly four years in prison if convicted.

https://www.reviewjournal.com/business/gambler-accused-cheating-extradited-california

[p]

I have read your thread. You have done really well. Its good you are moving forward. The simple things are the best. Love how you are accepting you are a CG and you are aware that no win will satisfy. We always lose when we gamble and we lose more than money. I lost my sanity. Hopefully I find it again hehe
P
I

[icandothis]

Danchaser, I love reading your posts. They are very insightful. So I wanted to say, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have been using today to focus on recovery. I have been asking the question you gave which was, What fills the void we have been afforded? Trying to figure out what it is I really want and setting goals that I might be able to start working on beginning tomorrow. Also, thinking about something else you said about not practicing the things that can make your life more balanced. I am determined to begin doing things to get my life moving in a better more healthy, conscious, productive direction. I guess you could say today is day of regrouping and goal setting. I realize things won’t change overnight. I need to be patient and keep a positive attitude. I liked what bije said about not chasing goals that are difficult to achieve. I think I need to not expect too much and keep in mind goals can change, depending on the circumstances. I don’t want to expect too much from myself and set myself up for failure. I do not want to give myself more reasons to feel bad. I need to keep in mind that the most important thing is to begin feeling good about myself.

Enough about me. Just wanted to say thank you. I hope you continue to share your thoughts. We are all in this together!

[danchaser]

Thank you, P & Icandothis. I suppose only time will tell if I’m progressing, but I’m not taking comfort and confidence for granted any more.

I have repeated the phrase 'we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ so many times, but never accepted or appreciated it. Or maybe I did, but my inability to accept life without gambling required I push it aside. Either way, memorization of this phrase made making the connection that much easier when I once again was presented with the question. But I do believe you are right, I am doing good this time. Much better than I ever have in the past and I believe it’s because of a combination of reasons which include absolute acceptance of my compulsive gambling addiction and honesty with myself regarding the reasons I want to gamble. I can allow forgiveness of myself, but not forget the insane depravity. Sounds easy enough, but this ends up being the tricky part for me.

For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. Unfortunately, that’s the simple, unmitigated truth for me. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.

So, I’m told – and I tell myself – to fill the void with something else. Honestly though, what could ever fill that particular, high-octane (not any more), addiction-infused (current, but checked) void besides daily drug use, skydiving or Formula-1 racing? From where I stand, it all looks like boring, virtually pointless crap.

But then I go back to repeating that phrase I didn’t believe applied but eventually resonated with and defined me: 'we admitted we were powerless over gambling’ and I have to believe that other potentially positive living methods/philosophies – no matter how contrived and forced they may feel – may also bear fruit.

Why not try, what have I got lose besides another gambling outing that ends in gut-wrenching frustration, anguish and shame? I’ve been there countless times before and I’m fairly certain I could survive another.

But today, I choose not to. Today, I choose something distinctly different, not matter how alien. Anything beats what I know.

[vera]

In my experience Dan, what draws me back to what I know to be the ultimate source of self destruction, is both the memory of „high credits” and potential wins AND the devastating guilt and anger at my loss, which my flawed/addicted psyche can still easily convert to potential winnings, should I have the nerve/perseverance/audacity to „try again”!
What I need to instil into my heart and soul ( I believe our desire to gamble rests in our heart and soul as much as in our mind), is a CG can NEVER WIN! Because of our faulty mindset, illusion overlaps into reality until we come to the point of being unable to distinguish between the two and all this talk of progress, recovery and healing only serve as a smokescreen until we see the next opportunity to take over where we left off and before we know it, the wheel of misfortune is spinning again and we become oblivious to past present and future consequences.
When I „decide” to gamble (it always is a decision for me-nobody ever duped me into entering a casino. The trance comes after I have cold bloodedly walked in that door), I know the risk I am taking. I either block out the consequences or weigh them up and say „for today, it’s worth the risk!” I rationalize my actions to the point where I cannot turn back, because this is „my decision, my time, my money” etc etc.
I need to put barriers in place to prevent this insanity from taking hold of me. I need to make it impossible to get past that first niggling thought. I need to know I have NO money available. I need to tie up my time. All the tools we are given here can either help or hinder us, Dan. It’s all up to each CG to decide what course we follow. The facts I have to accept are;
1.CGs never win ( despite my false hopes)
2.I will NEVER get my money back…..( that’s the painful bit for me. I WANT MY MONEY BACK, still!!!)
3. If I continue doing it „my way” ( sneaking around, fooling myself and others), I can only expect the very worst outcome imaginable….
I could talk forever…but action speaks louder than words.
Its all about dropping our perverse desires, Dan!
„The root of ALL sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness”
Food for thought!
Keep posting! Looking out for your posts fills some of that „void!”

[sirena0215]

Here’s the one that really opened my eyes:

Ex-mayor of San Diego, Maureen O’Conner, wins and loses $1 Billion during a 10-year gambling binge:
https://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57570670/

For me, no one exemplifies the CG truth that no amount will ever be enough, more than this poor lady. The only reason she stopped was because she ran out of $$ and ended up in court for embezzling $2 Million from her husband’s charity.

It saddens me that she wasn’t able to get the help she needed. What a tragedy.

[sirena0215]

Have to admit that I really held back from taking up space on your thread about this, but since you brought it up ??

I found myself working through a lot of alarming and guilt-ridden thoughts about personal choice, evil, addiction, etc, through this show. And I’ve gotta agree with you. The writers really knew or researched addiction well. The fact that Walt finally admitted he enjoyed being Heisenberg, „And I was good at it!”, in that last episode was quite the ending. (I just had a vision of me yelling that out at my next GA meeting.)

Walt displayed those high risk, sensation seeking, action oriented traits that we CGs share, over and over again right? This was disturbing and fascinating to watch as I realized that I always had it in me to go off the rails (a version of Walt without the brilliant chemistry).

[danchaser]

Brilliant, Vera, you paved the path I’m heading.

When I’m in the throes of gambling, I literally cannot think rationally and my ability to stop – or even take a break – is so diminished by what I now recognize to be addiction, that it is rendered virtually nonexistent, but after I have been away from gambling a while and the dust has settled, there is a moment before I step through those casino doors again that I consciously ask myself whether I should continue or not. The answer has always been yes and I believe this is because that battle was already fought and the victor declared before the question was asked.

What do I mean by this? Incremental successions of concessions and the breaching of my poorly defended resolve.

Like you said, Vera, we desperately want our money back and the only way to do so in satisfatory manner is to win it back via the same manner in which we lost it. Since not only did the casino take my money, but they beat me out of it, I have lost both financially and emotionally and it’s only natural to want revenge. So I try and fail, time and time again and then quit, time and time again, each time telling myelf „That’s it, I’m quitting once and for all!” But then, given a little time, I always ammend my declaration with „But maybe one day I can avenge myself by winning my money back”. Big, big problem. By using this flawed and enabling strategy I have left the gambling door ajar. I may as well have left it open entirely.

Another thing I do is this: read the damn sports lines. When I read them and think to myself „so and so should cover that line”, or „those teams will easily cover the over/under”…nothing good will come of this. I simply remember the times I would have won – secretly regretting the fact that I didn’t have money on those games – while disregarding the times I would have lost since I conveniently have no action on those games and thus don’t feel the sting. It’s a win-win for my addiction and I have again set myself up to gamble again.

So, given that I do have an addiction to gambling, do I ultimately even have a choice to gamble or not when the opportunity presents itself? I believe, yes…and no. It depends on what I have done to either prevent or facilitate it prior to the point of the decision. Anything short of an unwavering „Not a chance in hell!” puts my discipline and resolve to the test, both of which will likely not be up to the desired task for some time.

[danchaser]

„Taking up space on my thread”…lol. I suppose it would be better with no responses, save my addiction-addled, depressing thoughts?

Please, I bore myself to tears and you’re my favorite poster on this site. Your story touched and resonated with me and when I look back one day with a clearer head from years of recovery, the strength emanated from your posts will be remembered as a helpful catalyst.

We seem to have the same taste in shows. movies.

By chance, have you ever watched the movie 'The Mission’? It’s my personal favorite.

The premise (or at least how I perceive it) has to do with the decisions we make in life and spotlights how even when some of the presented choices are diametrically opposed to one other, they are not necessarily wrong or unfavorable to our personal growth or ultimately the very definition of our lives, but are instead decisions made from circumstance and moral leanings.

I highly recommend it.

What are some of your favorite movies?

[danchaser]

Two months and three weeks and I almost successfully rationalized a way for me to gamble.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been comforting a friend who is recently divorced. We’ll drink a few beers and watch a movie, or something like this. But today, I thought about how much fun it would be for us to bet on a football game and watch it together. I mean, it would be for him, not just myself, after all.

I was able to catch myself and I’m sure glad that I can now see through my own bullshit.

And speaking of BS, I was wondering today if the feelings of guilt and shame I felt after losing were actually those feelings or decoys I devised to masquerade the anger I harbored towards the casino and life in general. In other words, if I felt guilt, I couldn’t really be that crappy of a person for just doing what I had done and was instead somewhat of a victim of unfortunate circumstance.

Does anyone else know what I’m getting at? Do you have the same doubt in the integrity of those feelings?

[vera]

I turn into a psychopath when I gamble!
Do psychopaths feel shame, guilt, remorse or even anger?
The theory is that they are void of all feelings.
Sometimes, ( not always), I have no feelings when I gamble. How scary is that!
Win or lose, I eventually become totally numb.
When I throw down my crutch and being walking on broken legs (metaphorically), the pain returns and doubt about feelings begins to fade, as I wobble forward towards a more rational place.
I think when we are in the throes of the addiction, Dancaster, our thinking becomes so distorted that we will believe only what allows us to continue on the path of destruction, desensitized to all feeling for anything or anyone, ourselves included.
In the aftermath of a gambling binge what dominates my thinking is „how do I cover my tracks” or (worst case scenario), „where can I lay my hands on more ammunition to pursue the loss!” Are these thoughts governed by „normal” feelings? I think not!
Moral of the story…don’t trust your feelings! Measure those feelings against reason and judgement and see how flawed a CG’s thinking has become . Feelings, at the best of times and especially in relation to addiction have lead me up many blind alleys.
I do not see myself as an unfortunate victim of circumstances.
I see myself a a person with free will ( albeit a power that has the potential to enslave me), but only if I make the wrong choices!
Today I can permit myself to choose freedom or slavery.
That choice is mine! Acting on feelings is not always the answer!

[Mercedes’s]

Hello I’m totally new to this, and not sure if this is the proper place to post. This is my first admission to anyone that I am a compulsive gambler. It feels good to say it at loud, and I hope it is the first step toward getting this under control. I’m commenting on this thread because I was drawn by the title, ended badly again. I have spent all of today in bed, not wanting to face myself that I gambled and lost again last night. It was only 9 days past my resolution to stop. I’m depressed and ashamed. Thank you for listening. I need help but I’m so ashamed I can’t discuss this addiction with my family and am afraid of running into someone I know at GA. So after years struggling alone, this is my first attempt to reach out for help

[danchaser]

Hello, Mercedes, welcome.

This was the perfect place to post and you made the right call. The realization that gambling has control of us, and not the other way around, has to be the best place to start.

So then, how do we stop trying to break down this cement wall with our head?

The easy answer: don’t gamble.

The hard answer: don’t gamble.

We simply forget the anguish and regret. You mentioned it was nine days since you swore off gambling that you went back to it. Nothing unusual about that. I’ve sworn off it and gambled the very next day.

Why does this happen? I believe it’s because every time I decide to quit, I leave a caveat in my decleration. It’s always very hushed and disreet, but it’s always there. I say to myself „This doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t ever gamble again…forever. If the right scenerio happens, like I come into a bunch of money (money fairy?), then I can gamble. But for right now, I quit.”

This is a problem for me. If I leave a heartbeat to the notion of ever gambling again, I will.

The other thing I have to understand is that I will always lose..in the end. This is coming from a pretty decent gambler. I can win 80% of the time I play and go home with the money. I can literally do this. But I have a problem. This problem is that I’m a compulsive gambler and I cannot accept a loss, no matter how small and cannot accept a win, no matter how big. I simply keep playing until the money is gone. Doesn’t matter if it takes a day, week, month or year, I’ll play until the last dollar in my pocket.

So, in order for me to succeed and/or make it to the next level of recovery, I have to understand and appreciate three things. They are now the law in my life:

1) I have a gambling problem.

2) I can never gamble again, no matter what.

3) I will always lose in the end.

Simple rules to follow, right? For a compulsive gambler, not so much. In fact, they’re quite difficult. But not impossible.

You have begun your path, Mercedes, just remember that there are stones in our paths we may trip on, streams that may need crossing, and possibly even the occasional snake that may cross our path. But this mustn’t deter us. Hell, it’ll be a cakewalk conisidering the path of gambling that we have been wakling on is nothing but snakes.

Best of luck, Mercedes. Don’t be a stranger.

[danchaser]

Man, you brought up some descriptors of the possibly-not-so-genuine feelings I may be purposefully burying.

My primary concern was also hiding my addiction. Everything else came second.

How does that work?

LOL

It’s like burying the body of someone you just murdered in the desert so no one will ever find out about it, all the while telling yourself how bad you feel about having just murdered them.

[Mercedes’s]

I almost cried when I read your post. I have never addressed this problem with anyone , it felt good not to be completely alone in this. I agree with your analysis. In the back of my mind there is a voice telling me that it is just out of control now, that once it is controlled I can go back to gambling occasionally and just go with a set sum, don’t hit the ATM, walk away when I win etc. that never happens. I went from an occasional gambler to gambling ever cent on me, maxing out on my daily ATM then going to the cashier to check checks. Fortunately I have a good job and my husband pays most of the bills so it is not as if my gambling has effected paying our debts. However I’m at the point that I’ve been dipping into retirement savings to gamble. I think that part of me feels that gambling is the only form of excitement and fun left to me at my age (58) I justify it by saying I work hard and deserve to have fun. But it is not fun to walk out of the casino with my heart racing over the money I lost, feeling panicked and nauseous. Yet when this feeling wears off I will be telling myself that it is ok, I could go for a little while, will stop if I’m losing , I deserve to live a little, on and on until I’m back at the casino

[danchaser]

When a cancer patient beats cancer, it’s considered heroic. When an alcoholic has been sober for a long time, it’s considered commendable. A compulsive gambler doesn’t share this social empathy. Ours is a private and lonely struggle.

Condidering this lack of social empathy, one has to ask, Is compuslive gambling really a „disease” as some call it? Is it an addiction?

For the longest time, I didn’t believe so, even though I displayed the precise traits of being just that – addicted. But after witnessing my behavior so many times, the bulb finally -finally!!! – lit.

Heres the thing, what most people who’ve never had an addiction don’t realize is that the most debilitating factor of addiction in not the physical aspect, but the mental.

Let’s take an alcoholic. Is he/she physically dependent? Sure, but after several days, the physical addiction is gone. So now he/she is cured, right? Will never drink again. But they do and in far higher percentages than don’t. Why is this? What seperates a no longer physically addicted alcoholic wanting a drink to a compulsive gambler desiring his/her fix? Nothing. We’re no different in virtually every addiction criteria.

And here’s the thing, understanding this actually gives me strength and hope. It helps me to feel less bat-shit crazy. It helps me to understand why while in the throes of my franctic gambling binges I behaved so contrary to my nature. It also helps me appreciate that if I slip (God willing, I don’t) that I must try to rectify my course as soon as possible and proceed with my recovery.

Luckily though, Mercedes, we’re not truly alone in this. We do have other, fellow compuslive gamblers who understand in spades. We’re actually not alone, even though it sure as hell feels like it.

[charles]

Well done on your gamble free time Dancahser.

mercedes, well done on making your first posts here. As you can see you are not alone. I’m sure you are reading a lot of things you can relate to on the other threads her as well as this one.

Can I suggest you start your own thread as well though? Just click on the My Journal Forum. If you scroll then down the list of existing threads, at the bottom and to the left of the page click on „New Topic”.

Welcome to the forum and I look forward to seeing your progress in recovery.

[charles]

Hi Again Dan.

I have just noticed a post you made on another thread and have also commented there.

„I’m almost convinced that relapse is a necessary component of recovery…………”

You went on to give some good advice in that it is important to learn from any slips. This is of course true; we can recognise the triggers that sent us gambling, realise what barriers might have stopped us gambling etc.

I just thought it was worth highlighting though that whilst a slip can be part of recovery it isn’t inevitable. To assume that it is would be just doing what our addiction wants and setting down teh justification for our next bet.

Keep posting. One day at a time

[sirena0215]

Thanks, Dan, likewise. I think we came onto the GT site at approximately the same time. That and a shared taste in movies/tv shows, there must be some relevant film/cinema as therapy experiences there.

It’s been a while, but yes, I did love The Mission. It has one of my favorite movie scores and composers (Ennio Marcone) of all time, and of course, DeNiro. On top of the personal/moral courage themes, I also remember poignant themes of redemption, which resonated with me quite strongly. I like about 95% of any movie DeNiro has been in – Midnight Run – lol! to the Godfather, etc.

I have so many favorites movies, so tend to remember them by category, but one of my all time favorite foreign films is Cinema Paradiso (epic coming of age story).

I haven’t been able to watch too much TV or movies lately, but on TV, I am really liking Sleepy Hollow to my pleasant surprise.

[danchaser]

I understand what you’re saying about planting the seed of doubt (relapse is inevitable) in one’s head, likely instigating a relapse and I don’t want to give the impression that relapses result in positive outcomes. They absolutely don’t. Relapses get worse, each and every time at an exponentially depressing degree. During my 6th or 7th relapse, I was ready to repaint the walls with my cranial matter….and it made complete sense to me at the time to do so. Luck, God, fate…whatever it was, is the only reason I’m here today, because I truly believed that those around me were better off without me. After a few more relapses, I found myself a ward of the state. That’s where consecutive and repeated relapses takes you, and it’s not pleasant. .

I’d also like to issue a disclaimer/warning to CGs who have recently quit about interpreting my personal musings as anything but. I’m not an expert at staying away from gambling once I decide to do so as evidenced by my many relapses. This thread is not about what you should do in your journey, it’s about where I’m at. My apologies if I came across as anything but a lost CG trying to find my way.

With that said, I’m approaching 3 months of abstinence and I could care less about gambling. Since I live in Vegas, I have to drive by 5-10 casinos a day, but not once have I seriously considered turning into the parking lot. I see them (they’re hard to miss), but I simply don’t care.

I sure hope this mindset continues to like the neighborhood and decides to buy a home.

[danchaser]

Midnight Run…hilarious!

I’ll have to check out the Sleepy Hollow. Sounds horrible. If I didn’t know you had such good taste, I’d dismiss the notion entirely. Now it’s simply a must ??

[charles]

You are coming across as a CG sharing their own experiences Dan and by doing so you will be doing what everyone comes here to do – helping yourself. ?? Of course everyone who posts here gives others the opportunity to learn from their experiences, apply the things that help to their own situation etc So by helping ourselves we also have the opportunity to help others. No disclaimer needed ?? Keep posting

[sirena0215]

Try catching Sleepy Hollow from the beginning, if you can. It has a twist of horror, humor, time travel/fantasy, a touch of history, and very fine acting – which is what I’m enjoying about it most. The premise is out there (but hey, so was the one about a chemistry teacher turned meth lord), but I found the pilot intriguing and the show just kept getting better from there.

What movies and shows are you watching this season?

[sirena0215]

That is a stunning display of willpower, Dan, driving past casinos every day and deciding you just don’t give a damn about any of them. I sometimes wonder how well I would do in that environment.

Thank you also for reminding us where this addiction can take us. The utterly stark possible endings for a compulsive gambler are jail, insanity, and death. And I see a man who decided to live, after surviving his darkest, most insane moments of addiction. Your spirit is resilient. To bring oneself to start over again, and again, and again these past 20 years… That self-correction and never-ending effort deserves a medal. Also happy you didn’t choose that permanent solution to your temporary situation. Slip or no slip – what is important is you made the decision to live and the choice to stop. Choosing to stop is the best case scenario for a CG and the only one that allows us to walk away with dignity. That is the momentous choice for us, and sometimes it can mean the difference between life and death, and the beginning of a lifetime of prosperity or one of destitution.

Some of us were lucky enough to get thrown a lifeline when we chose wrong, via whatever grace manifested itself as help. I’m choosing to believe there’s a higher purpose in store for us because by all logic, I should be in jail and your cranial matter painting the walls. But I’m not in jail and your cranial matter is in tact, so time to „get busy living.” (You know it.)

[danchaser]

Time to get busy living.

I like the sound of that.

Hope I can eventually feel it. Right now I just feel bored; like my life is commonplace. I miss my old, secret mistress (gambling), no matter how horribly she treated me. Sounds a little strange, I know, but it’s true. It’s as though I’m an abused ex still longing for his/her abuser.

I had my first, real strong urge the other day. I’ve had small urges over these last couple of months, but not a big one like this was. The feeling that came over me was overwhelming. Had I been standing in a casino at that moment, I worry about what could have happened. The feeling/urge to gamble wasn’t a tense or pressure feeling, it was a warm, comforting and exciting rush. I was stuck there for a good 15 minutes and it made me realize something…

Remember the game show Wheel Of Fortune? Well, if I replace all the $$$ placards with 'don’t desire to gamble’ and the Bankrupt placards with 'desire to gamble’ and then spin it, it’s a fitting analogy of what it’s like when I’m in recovery. The majority of time it’s going to stop on 'don’t desire to gamble’, but not always. When it lands on 'desire to gamble’, it’s going to be overwhelming (as it was the other day) and I better be in the right place and right mindset. When it stops on 'desire to gamble’, just saying 'no thank you’ isn’t going to cut it. I’m going to have to tap into my reserves. I have to have won the fight before getting in the ring.

Mental preperaton.

What am I going to do during my yearly visit from my friend back East? We used to get hammered and gamble. Now what? Get hammered and NOT gamble? Hell, that won’t work. If I’m out on the town in Vegas, drunk, I’m going to gamble.

So, back to preperation. To prepare, I need an entire life-changing outlook and lifestyle. I suppose this is what you’re talking about by „time to get busy living”. But it won’t work unless I „get busy living” by living a different way. And THAT is why abstention from an addiction is so hard, I suppose. Because it’s not just quitting what we’re addicted to, but embracing lifestyles that were heretofore alien to or rejected by us that leads to a lasting and beneficial recovery.

That part (entire lifestyle change) is really difficult and sounds awful. But I reflect on something you said in an earlier post. You said something along the lines of it taking years to get to where we are today, so we can’t expect recovery to take place overnight.

I believe you’re right.

[jackwilson]

danchaser, not sure if you’re still around, but this post resonates with me more than anything I’ve read anywhere. It feels great to know that my actions are not isolated, and that there are others who have gone through the EXACT same issues. The three laws you’ve outlined are absolutely spot on and I will incorporate them into my daily life.

Thanks again for posting, and I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

[jackwilson]

danchaser,

Thank you for writing here. The writing, insights and stream of consciousness are phenomenal. I have a glimpse of what my life could look like in 13 years if I continue to gamble. I’ve copied a few lines below because they express exactly what I’m trying to convey, except you’ve done so with a sense of wit and earnest that I can’t replicate. Wherever you are, I hope you come back to the forum, danchaser.
———————————————————————–
two years into my recovery – when I decided there’d be nothing wrong with a small, sure-bet on a baseball game. Which it was, I won. But I didn’t stop there, I kept playing and winning and was up substantially. But then I went on a mini – and when I say mini, it was only 5% of my winnings – losing streak. Well, of course I had to make this back.

This time I know this critical thing: I CAN’T WIN! I can’t. Even when I win, I lose. But it’s OK that I lost. Hell, I was stressing out every day watching and paying attention to stupid MLB games that I normally switch the channel on instead of paying attention to the important people and things in my life.

It’s maddening. Not because I would have been up again, that’s not it. I’d have eventually given that back too. It’s the always telling myself what I should have done: should have doubled down, shouldn’t have 'hit’, should have bet more/less on that hand/game, etc.

I was able to look my kids in the eyes and focus on what they were saying since my mind wasn’t preoccupied with which team was ahead/behind in whatever game I had placed a bet.

For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.

„we desperately want our money back and the only way to do so in satisfatory manner is to win it back via the same manner in which we lost it. ”

Another thing I do is this: read the damn sports lines. When I read them and think to myself „so and so should cover that line”, or „those teams will easily cover the over/under”…nothing good will come of this. I simply remember the times I would have won – secretly regretting the fact that I didn’t have money on those games – while disregarding the times I would have lost since I conveniently have no action on those games and thus don’t feel the sting. It’s a win-win for my addiction and I have again set myself up to gamble again.

The other thing I have to understand is that I will always lose..in the end. This is coming from a pretty decent gambler. I can win 80% of the time I play and go home with the money. I can literally do this. But I have a problem. This problem is that I’m a compulsive gambler and I cannot accept a loss, no matter how small and cannot accept a win, no matter how big. I simply keep playing until the money is gone. Doesn’t matter if it takes a day, week, month or year, I’ll play until the last dollar in my pocket.

[Cubsfan2531]

So my day one starts today. I am so sick of feeling like this. Even when I win I end up losing in the long run. This is not a productive way to live. I feel like sleeping all day but I’m going to force myself to get up and be productive without gambling. I understand the feelings are always going to be stronger in the beginning. My goal is to make not gambling a habit. I want to look at gambling and it makes me sick. I want to look at gambling and internalize that it is evil for me. I cannot control myself when it comes to gambling as much as i think I can. I can’t. I have no impulse control over it. My triggers are clear. It was the perfect storm yesterday. No girlfriend, off work, extra money, nothing to do.
Fuck this. I’ll beat it. This is not taking me down. I’m going to beat this addiction. No more bets or anything. No lotto, no casino, no horses and no fantasy football. Nothing. I’m done

[Cubsfan2531]

So my day one starts today. I am so sick of feeling like this. Even when I win I end up losing in the long run. This is not a productive way to live. I feel like sleeping all day but I’m going to force myself to get up and be productive without gambling. I understand the feelings are always going to be stronger in the beginning. My goal is to make not gambling a habit. I want to look at gambling and it makes me sick. I want to look at gambling and internalize that it is evil for me. I cannot control myself when it comes to gambling as much as i think I can. I can’t. I have no impulse control over it. My triggers are clear. It was the perfect storm yesterday. No girlfriend, off work, extra money, nothing to do.
Fuck this. I’ll beat it. This is not taking me down. I’m going to beat this addiction. No more bets or anything. No lotto, no casino, no horses and no fantasy football. Nothing. I’m done

[Author]

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