[Callmecrazy]

Hi,

I relapsed after being gamble free for almost 2 years and I am feeling awful. I was leading a normal life, had considerably reduced my debts and had, with my current budget, 25 more months to go to being totally debt free. I took up tennis, visited family abroad, and even though I was making ends meet, I could afford these things and now I am back to square one! I am so depressed and angry and feeling hopeless. The worst is, I have to go ask for a bank loan, something I haven’t done in 33 months and I am feeling so ashamed. Plus, I have to pay it off. Such a setback. 

The worst is, I have no idea how this crept up on me. The winter had started being cold and lonely, I was appointed a new boss at work that is a bully, and the next thing I know I’m transfering hundreds to online gambling sites. I have never been so out of control. Aside to paying off debt, traveling and enjoying life, I also managed to save a little, not much, but I did manage to and now it is all gone. I’m feeling so hopeless and wrecked. Any support would be appreciated. 

[charles]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi, well done on looking for help.

I can’t call you crazy but, from what you say, I can call you addicted.

You stopped before so the good news is you know you can stop. Did you use any form of support last time? If so did you continue with it in recovery?

You kow you can stop, this time you have support here, you can also use other support such as Gamblers Anonymous meetings. The thing to remember this time though is that if we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to use support to maintain recovery. Keep posting here, keep using any other support that you use.

If you did use any support the last time you stopped then get back to it – you know it works. Keep posting here as well and you will be stronger still.

When it comes to borrowing money then make sure any repayment plan is a sustainable one.

Keep posting.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for your reply.

I used to be a member of this board, I forgot my username. It helped me tremendously. I used to read and write and relapse and read and write and relapse. I repeated the cycle all the time or rather as many times as I needed to until it finally hit me: “If you’re always going to do what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you always got”. And I did it, I don’t even know how. Scratching the CVC numbers off my cards really helped, as I couldn’t give them away and needed them to survive the first few months (I recommend this to anyone in a similar situation). As I moved away from gambling, I moved away from this forum as well. Funny thing is, the last thing I remember before my relapse and binge is looking at gambling billboards (they are all over town now)and thinking how they’re not affecting me at all. But, now I’m here.

[charles]

Ok, then you know this site helped befoer, that’s good. Scratch those CVC numbers off any cars you have now, get back to posting. What positive thigns can you fill your time with? What thigns did you do in your gambling free time over the last two years?

Remember this time that we are never “cured” use the support that there is to maintain recovery. Get to GA as well and you can be stronger still.

[kin]

Gambling addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey. Unfortunately, we are the prey! The tiger is extremely patient as it waited for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
The tiger is well camouflaged with denial, minimization, rationalization, and other psychological defenses, so it is hard to distinguish the tiger from its surroundings. Its stealth makes it hard to identify as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.

Addiction is cunning and baffling. Many time its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.

This tiger doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It merely recedes into the background. It is always there, waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program. For example: When we are feeling down and out because we have gotten into a bitter argument with someone, or when we have received a special recognition at work or promotion and feel that we deserve to celebrate. The tiger will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.

The first thing to look out is whether our disease is once again trying to establish a foothold in our life. It may be setting us up to take charge and run the show. It is always looking for that opportunity to convince us to return to gambling.

A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her. I wasn’t that out of control, I am not indebted. I did not borrow to gamble. The list goes on and on and on.

Before long, he convinced himself that he can return to gambling, he just need to control it better this time around. This is a person who has not truly surrendered.

This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again.
“This time it will be different, I am not a gambling addict.” The addicted part of us will insist on this position, despite overwhelming evidences.

This disease will selectively ignore information that validates our powerlessness. This filtering is called the Selective Inattention. The information that indicate we are an addict and are unable to control our gambling is ignored.

Watching out how this beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
Watch and listen. It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[velvet]

Hi

Taking notice of where a repeated behaviour got you and then determining to do something different, that you now ‘know’ will improve your life, is that precious commodity called experience.

You have now added to your wealth of experience  an ‘almost two year’ gamble-free time, so now you can look at the why this relapse occurred and add it to your stock of tools for controlling your addiction. Such knowledge cannot be taught.

Is the ghastly boss a permanent fixture? Is there anything you can do about him – I appreciate that bullying is often very hard to complain about but it is horrible and you should not have to tolerate it?

You are not crazy, you are not hopeless, keep posting as you did before and use this latest experience as a launch pad for a better life. You will not be back to square one, nearly two years gamble-free c o u n t s for a lot, ‘you’ did it and you can do it again. I look forward to hearing your progress

Velvet

[Callmecrazy]

Kin, you’re right. This addiction is exactly like a tiger in hiding. I have no idea how it caught me. I don’t remember having gambling urges I had to fight. One day I just came home, took my phone and started spinning. My spin was a win, that’s how I got caught! Had I not won, maybe I would have thought twice about what I was doing. All winnings are only an illusion. We don’t ever win. I went through all my winnings, plus my small savings, plus racked up credit card debt.

Velvet, we have an anti bullying policy but it’s worth only the paper it’s written on. In reality, if you complain, you become the troublemaker and someone to get rid of. The bullying certainly contributed to my gambling. I felt the escape. I have since settled the score between my bully and I. First, I asked through a connection I had, to be relocated to another position within my company. Second, I wrote the bully a polite expertise opinion about the project he was micromanaging me to do and why it was causing financial hurt to the company and the managers above him. He was mad as hell because of me writing this but he couldn’t ignore it. I was only looking out for the company’s best interest.  Since then he has been polite and has left me alone. Today I got news that I will be relocated by May, probably to a lower position, which means less pay but I’d rather accept that than handle a bully and be responsible for projects that are shaddy, faulty and biased. It’s a major setback in my career which doesn’t make me happy.

Today, I went to a bank to ask for a loan. I have always despised this part of my gambling but it needs to be done as I have 2500 euro gambling debt due to my credit card by the end of this month. Asking for loans makes me so ashamed and frightened my secret would come out, I have kept my credit score perfect through out all my compulsive gambling life! I have never been a day late on paying any debt.  You’d never think there is a compulsive gambler hiding behind such perfection.  But that’s exactly what we are capable of!  Anything to hide THE SECRET and the shame. I could have any loan I want. Lucky for me, for some reason, being found out by the bank is my worst nightmare, so I refused all offers but the essential I needed to cover my bills. On the ride home, I contemplated loaning more or trying a few spins before I use it to pay off my credit card debt which shows the monster is VERY MUCH ALIVE inside me right now.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m a compulsive gambler and I need to set my life as such. I’m aware of this and I have already taken great measures to do so.

– I accept who I am and will try not to beat myself up about it. There are people with all sorts of faults. Some are drug users, some are alcoholics, some compulsive spenders, some are so rigid with their money they are stingy to everyone around them and can never be happy with their bankroll. Some are bullies, cheaters, serial crime offenders etc… They all have havoc in their lives, just like me.

– I accept that I can never be rich and have tons of money on my account. Comfortable and modest is the living I’m looking for. Because of this I have opened a retirement savings account where I save (for now) small amounts that I’m unable to touch in any way until I retire 25 yrs from now. I have also declined my father transferring an apartment to my name which I’m due to inherit when he one day passes on.

– I accept that I have to pay back my debts if I want to live comfortably and I’m meticulous about paying my monthly installments which is a very good strong point I have.

– I need to remind myself often that doing this through gambling will not work. This is something I struggle with.

– I have 26 more monthly installments to pay until I clear my big gambling debt. I have never been so close. This is my BIG short term goal.

– I need to set and check my barriers regularly. Self-exclude, install software, scratch off CVC numbers from credit cards

. – I need to relax, exercise, addict my self to tv shows I like and NEVER EVER compare myself to other people. It’s only a picture I have of them and not their true selves or lives.

[Callmecrazy]

I gambled today because I was feeling extremely depressed. Now I’m 250 euro down and even more depressed.
Lately I have been feeling depressed about life in general and feel I’m loosing my life energy.

[Callmecrazy]

Yesterday, two things happened that might have triggered this.

– I lost 80 euro. Not at a casino but from my pocket. Or I had put them somewhere and don’t know where. I tried to let it go and did in a way.

– I gathered some strength to go out and meet some friends and everyone had asked me where I had been since I had been very withdrawn lately. I told them I was feeling very depressed mostly about work and life in general. Everyone was supportive but one friend. She told me that I had no right to be depressed since I have a well paying job and I’m not homeless. Luckly, I didn’t tell her about my gambling problem. She told me that I have always been a little depressed, ever since she’s known me and that I always bother her with my same old issues. I didn’t see it that way, because I hide my issues and don’t talk about them. I felt she was very harsh. When I tried to object, I was asked by her what kind of a friendship is ours if she’s not allowed to speak her mind. I had no fight in me, so I just left it at that. I’ve decided to keep away from her until I start feeling better.

My depression is worrying me even more than my gambling. I’m so sick of living the same cycle over and over again. I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m loosing control and letting things slip. It’s like I have no fight in me left. I so desperately want my problems to go away.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling very restless. I think once my bank loan goes through next week, I’ll be feeling better. I can’t stand knowing I have debts and bills coming in that I won’t be able to pay. I keep track of my budget and what goes where and when and now I’m in a situation where I’m unable to meet this and it’s making me worry unnecessary. I have a pre-approved bank loan coming in next week, yet still I worry.

[Callmecrazy]

I have been seeing a therapist regularly for the past 10 yrs. Recently I asked to be put on antidepressants but I’m still feeling low. I know that I have a hard time with my finances being a mess and that’s exactly what I did to them. I can stand paying monthly installments to loans but I have a hard time tolerating my finances being a mess. They’re a mess when I have bills coming in for which I don’t have the means to cover them. Until that is settled I won’t know how I’m feeling about other stuff in my life. My depression is mostly linked to being stuck in a job I don’t like but having debts to pay. There is no way out.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling so upset today. I’m going to try install gamblock now and then have a bath and try to relax.
I might not have access to this site anymore.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up today still feeling lousy. I need to do these things:

– Get the loan from my bank. It’s going to be okay so I will try not to worry.
– Apply for a new bank card under the pretense I lost this one and scratch the CVC numbers without looking.
– Apply for time off from work so I can sort myself out.
– See my therapist more regularly

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you.
I’m feeling stressed out and I’m no longer equipped to be a compulsive gambler. I don’t bounce back as I used to and miss my days of being relaxed and not thinking of gambling or the money I had gambled away.

As of today I have installed betfilter on my home devices and am feeling more protected. I made sure to install it in such a way I can’t go around it.

My hope and goal for the week is to get to a place where I’m feeling less stressed.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up feeling more hopeful today. I have installed betfilter. Once I get my loan, the next step is to cut up my MasterCard and throw it away. Goal of the week is putting all barriers in place.

[Bee123]

Callmecrazy, thank you for the advice on my thread.
What you said is so true, I cannot afford to have one more spin on a slot machine as I know that is all it will take to draw me back in. Whoever designs those games know exactly how our addictive brains work. I see the symbols and hear the noises in my sleep goddam it.
Glad to read that you are feeling positive today and getting ready to put barriers in place. I’m hoping having barriers up will stop the horrible urges.
Enjoy your day with no gambling involved.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Bee.

Put those barriers up, remove all temptation, keep your money and your sanity safe. The noises will disappear once the barriers are up. Barriers are freedom.

There is life without gambling, even more, there is life AFTER gambling. I’ve seen it. I developed some very nice urges:

– the urge to relax. Watch my favorite show with a peaceful mind and stretch my legs.
– the urge to be kind to someone and brighten their day.
– the urge to socialize, be outgoing and laugh
– the urge to fall asleep carefree

None of these things can be done with a mind that is racing, high on slot dopamine, thinking how to get away and find solitude to gamble. Or when your mind races in a desperate attempt to find means to pay bills. Or when you do find the means you swore you would use to pay bills and your mind goes up and down, pay bills/ give to slots . Pay bills/ give to slots.

We did not choose to have this disease. We have it, let’s not let it rule and take our life.

[finding_laura]

You are so right Callme! I had over 5 years without gambling, returned to it for 2 years and have now been clean for nearly a year again. I remember how I would see the slots flashing on my eyelids at night when i closed my eyes. And that was only the beginning. But the sounds disappear and the visions fade and life can get normal again. I socialize and travel as much as I’m physically capable of doing ( I have health issues). The first few months in some ways were the hardest for me. But it was two years before life normalized for me. Not every journey is the same but there are a lot of tools we can use in common. Being here helped lots of us. Glad you are back again.
Laura

[Callmecrazy]

Hi Laura, I read through your thread. I’m sorry to hear you have health issues, but I’m happy you’re making it into 1 year gambling free again. Good job! Nobody, but us CGs, know what a huge undertaking this is.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up feeling better but had loads of stress at work. I don’t like the new takeover our company has had and I don’t like the new management. I’m sorry to say, it’s made up of bullies and small time criminals. I work in a government owned company and everything is about politics. It has always been. The difference now being that they don’t even care in hiding their true colors. Things have gotten progressively worse. Before it used to be at least mildly important if you knew how to perform well at your job. Now, it’s all about bullying and harassing and the rule of thumb is take it or leave it, everyone is replaceable. Things will not change until rock bottom is hit. For a minute I thought about escaping into gambling but pushed the thought aside. I recognize this trigger and decided not to give into it. Instead, I thought long and hard, how I’m not going to go into auto-destruct mode or take it out on myself. It’s other people’s poor behavior, I can’t do anything about it.  I’m disgusted where this society is going though. It’s a huge trigger for me.

I can’t believe I’m only on day 3 gamble free.

Had money on my account but paid bills.

Looking forward to relaxing and falling asleep watching a tv show.

[Callmecrazy]

Had some thoughts of gambling today. Two things trigger me: stress from work and having access to money. Tomorrow is a big day as I’m being payed out a loan.
Must do tomorrow:
-pick up loan and pay my huge credit card bill. Deposit remainder of cash to my bank account.
– get a haircut. I’m long overdue.
– go out and socialize
– if stress is felt, breathe, go with the flow, everything is going to be okay. Do not let your mind escape into thoughts of gambling.

Everything is going to be okay.
–

[finding_laura]

It’s good to be aware and have a plan! I hope you get out and enjoy some time with friends or family. Getting that money where it needs to go will be a relief. Self care is always good. We need to really weigh what we are doing. We’d blow thousands in an evening but not leave ourselves enough for a hair cut. Been there! Now I try and treat myself to the things that make me feel good where ever possible. I deserve it ?? So do you. Have a good night.
Laura

[Autor]

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