Hey Geordie,

8 weeks gamble free today! Wow, I never thought I’d be saying that. Today is my last payslip of which I won’t be receiving most of it – about 80% of my payslip has been paying off debt, and 20% I’ve had for going out, doing sport etc. Next pay day (which will probably be post-GH), I will be getting more than 20%, as I will only have a small portion to pay off!

I regret not starting a thread on day 1 of being gamble free, but it’s not the end of the world. I would love to be able to post whilst at GM but don’t think that will be viable!

I think it’s good to have my own thread to get things off my chest, and to be able to relate with other. I know I’m not the only one suffering, but a problem shared is a problem halved.

I’m feeling much better today than I was 3 days ago. I really do think that by not having my hour of counseling on here last week, that I managed to not get certain things off my chest, and then exploded at the weekend. I will try and make sure I get the hour in once a week every week (I had been up to last week, but I actually forgot about it last week).

My main issue now is that I don’t have and goals in life at the moment. My main goal is to be gamble free and happy again, but I can’t really “succeed” until I go away to GH and learn about myself, coping methods, etc etc etc. So right now I’m doing what I was doing when I gambled: sleep, gamble, eat, sleep, gamble, eat, sleep, gamble, eat; BUT without the gambling. I’m just letting the days go by, thinking that I will be in GH in a few weeks time, but the days pass and the phone never rings. There’s not a lot I can do at the moment because in a few weeks I’ll be gone and at GH. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything… I mean I am doing things, I’m playing sport, going out with friends, but I’d much rather I could go 3 weeks into the future, and it be day 1 at GH. I was told end of July, then beginning of August, then mid August… They said they’d give me some weeks notice (me being in Spain and that) so if they don’t let me know this week, I can’t see me going until the END of August. I know it’s not their fault but it just seems like a never ending wait, every day of which I’m suffering more… I’ve also been offered a job which would start in September and I can’t tell them when I will be back to start until I know my start date at GH. They are willing to wait but how long for? Will I even be out of GH before Christmas at this rate, to start the job in the new year?

I guess that’s what’s getting to me at the moment. I don’t have anything worthwhile to fill the time with, and the days are going slower and slower…

Thanks for being the first to write on my post, I really appreciate your support. Enjoy your time off, and thanks for being able to message me on your break.

Take it easy mate. Stay strong, stay gamble free.

MrExon

Hi Velvet,

Thank you for your kind words. It’s times like these where support from others is what keeps one afloat. I really appreciate it.

The reason I brought that subject up the other night was because I felt like I could get things off my chest. I could say what I was thinking, and I didn’t care about the consecuencies. I do in certain aspects regret asking, but it’s something that’s been eating me inside out for over 10 years, and I really need to go into GH with a clean conscience.

I’m sorry you’ve had to live with a CG, but at the same time I respect you staying with that person, and being by their side. CG’s aren’t bad people, we just have made a wrong decision in life from accumulated stress and issues, and have never known how to deal with them. I really do respect anyone who has stayed by a CG. If there is anything positive we can extract from being a CG, it’s that we can appreciate money, family, respect, decisions, love, our job, time, friends… I regret ever time I’ve ever gambled, but I think I will learn and be a bigger man because of it. It will make me into the man I will be one day, and I will hopefulyl look back on me now and say yeah, I screwed up, but I’m twice the man I once was.

I will recommend the forums to my parents although I’m not sure how interested they would be.

Thanks once again.

Mr Exon

I have been given my start date!

I have just received a call from Amy. She told me my mum had emailed her and that she could only speak to me about my personal matters (obviously, I’m “an adult”, what was my mum thinking?). I presume my mum was stressing out after this past week – I’m not surprised at all.

Anyhow, 29th of August is my start date in Dudley!

I’m not sure how this will pan out – my Aunt, Uncle and Gran are all out on holiday in Spain at our house at the time, therefore either my mum or dad will have to take me back, take me to Dudley, and then get a plane back to Spain again. I obviously don’t want to cause all that fuss, but my mum has said she needs to see where I’m going or else she will panic even more than she is at the thought of it. I would’ve liked to go back to Essex to see my uncle and my best mate Tom, but that’s not looking very likely. I know there was never going to be a perfect day, but that day is probably the worst of them all.

I’m glad, really glad that I have a date, but I’m a but disappointed that it’s a month after they had initially said (not there fault), and it being at such an inconvenient time (also not there fault). At least I have some motivation now, and I’m not walking around in the dark like I was before the phone call.

Mr Exon

Hello Velvet,

Thank you! So am I, I really am. I was really lost before now, not knowing when or where I was going. It’s stressful livving like that – I’ve described it time and time again as being in limbo. I now have some focus, some motivation and a goal.

I have just spoken to the people in charge at GM and I am going to go back on my own – they won’t let any family members in so it’s not worth my mum flying back with me and then back again, especially if they’re going to wave her off at the front door. I actually would prefer going back on my own, so I’m almost glad in a way. We can do our goodbyes at the airport.

Thank you for offering to help her with explaining the procedure, I really appreciate it, and so will she. I will tell her today and see what she says. She doesn’t know much about the forums, but I’m sure she’d get something out of using them, just like I have.

There is no perfect time to go, but as you say, the 29th is the perfect day. That’s a contradiction but I understand what I mean, and I’m sure most of you do too. There’s no point in finding the least inconvenient day, as no day is convenient to start, but I am looking forward to it (in a rather strange way).

I love saying what I want on the forums, it’s my life, my story, and no one can judge me for it. You can get things off your chest that you never knew you had anyway, and it makes life easier.

My goal is to be gamble free by the time I go in, and if I achieve that (which I’m quite confident that I will), I will have been over 12 weeks gamble free. I will likely have a 12 week advantage over some people in there, and I hope that because of this that I can absorbe more whilst being in there, as I will be a lot more open minded and less stressed than if I had stopped gambling on the first day of going in.

Thanks for your time and your support Velvet, I really do appreciate it.

Take care, stay strong!

Mr Exon

Hi Jonny,

Thanks for your message. I’m glad you’re doing well too. Keep it up mate.

Stay strong, stay gamble free!

MrExon

Hi Geordie,

My mum won’t be coming in the end, as they won’t let her in! I’m not surprised, nor would I! Just kidding. She wanted to be at rest by knowing where I would be and what it would be like, but I know the system isn’t set up for parents, it’s set up for gambling addicts, and it is what it is. I think it’s better that way, but I know she will be panicing. My brother left to join the British Army at 16 and I know how hard it was for her. She still struggles when he comes and goes now, 7 years on! I have been very fortunate I have to say, and I thank GM so much for the opportunity. I think my mum was very worried after this weekend, and so was I, and her emailing Amy certainly seemed to have sped up the procedure.

5 weeks os 5 weeks, I’ve been waiting for 8 so 5 is only a portion of that. I have lots of things to look forward to between now and then – my brother is coming out on Saturday for a few weeks, Fiesta week starts this Saturday, I have 2 cricket matches on the weekend, my gran, uncle, and aunt are coming out just before I go back, so there’s lots to do and no time to gamble!

I’m happy that so many people are supporting me, it feels great, and I realise that I should be proud of myself. It’s been a hard couple of months, but nobody said it would be easy. It’s been the worst period of my life to say the least, but it’s an investment. It’s an investment inmyself, in my future, in my life. I’m putting in the grind now, so that later I can relax and live a gamble free life. I have so many plans for the future. Plans, I never had plans when I used to gamble. My plan was where I was going to get my next bunch of cash from to go and gamble with. I want to go on holiday next year with my friends, I want to start up my own business plan, I want to keep fit, start boxing. I want to be happy. I want live life. I want to me gamble free.

I hopefully will be able to visit Essex after GM, who knows, but I know that now it’s not convenient to go back, so it will have to wait. I know and accept that.

I know that i’m likely to have more shit days between now GM, but that’s life. I will get over the bumps, and I will be a stronger person because of it. I WILL stay gamble free, I WILL go to GH, and I WILL come out of it the person I once was.

Enjoy your sandwiches you cheeky bugger!

Take care, and stay gamble free mate!

MrExon

I can’t get enough of the forums!

I can’t keep up with these forums! I’m posting here there and everywhere, replying to everyone and everything!

With regards to my own post, what do you think I should do? Do I reply to each persons post, or do I just right my own post whenever I feel like it, and acknowledge that I’ve read people’s posts? I say what I want to say when I reply to everyone’s posts on my own thread, but I feel too drained and typed out to then write a post of my own on here (like right now)!

Not much else to add really, I’ve spoken to GH today and I’m going to be going the day after the 29th. I wont get back until Tuesday evening so I’m going to have to stay somewhere and go in on Wednesday morning. This isn’t a massive issue but nothing ever works out!! I’ve been told it’s not a problem, but I would’ve liked to have been there on the first day. No point in stressing about that though.

I’m stressing (only a little) about how bored I’m going to be there. I’m a VERY active person, I go out everyday, I love to do sports, socialize, play games, etc. I found out yesterday that we can’t even play card games! I mean I understand WHY, but what are we meant to do, locked in a house all day, with nothing to do? There’s only so many books you can read, and so much you can talk, right? Am I over analysing this, or am I missing something? I know it’s not a hotel spa, but I feel that I’m going to be pulling my hair out. I also love my music, I listen to music 8 hours a day at work, and after work too. They won’t allow us to take anything that I can think that plays music, apart from a radio, but that’s hardly listening to music. I know we have to sacrifice things, because we are going to be gaining a lot from being in there, but I’m just stressing at the thought of being in a prison like house for 14 weeks and getting to the point where I’m worse in there than where I am at the moment. Can someone who’s been in GH go through a typical day of what you do in there? What do you do for 16 hours every day?

Sorry, I’m really OCD and I don’t like the unknown. I like everything being ordered and knowing what I’m going to be doing and when, and people telling me “you’ll see what it’s like when you get there” doesn’t help, it makes me stress even more.

Anyway, I’m having a much better week this week, I’ve got my start date, my flights are booked, everything is sorted. Now I’ve just got to play the waiting game, and enjoy my last few weeks before I go back.

Take care all, and thanks for the support.

MrExon

EDIT: I have just spoken to Amy AGAIN and she has answered all of my questions. Knowing that we actually will be able to go out shopping, doing sport, and on Saturday’s a group activity, I feel much more comfortable.

Hello Velvet,

I read your two posts yesterday, but I’d already written an awful lot, and I was actually at work and wasn’t doing what I should’ve been doing!

I appreciate your support and you answering my questions. I spoke to Amy yesterday and explained that I know it’s not a spa hotel, but I just wanted to know more or less the things we would get up to. When I received an email from her, there was a list of things that we could/couldn’t take, and not being able to take certain things made me feel like there was a “prison” feeling to it – this clearly isn’t the case. There’s a games room, TV, library, we can go out shopping, we do activities, etc. I think there will be moments of boredom (like always in life), but as you say, you’re there for one reason and that’s to learn and cope about being a compulsive gambler. You aren’t there for entertainment, so what do a few moments of boredom matter in the scheme of things, when the reward of having been there is so much more imporant?

I think my mum is disappointed about not being able to go and see where I’m going to be, but I completely understand why they do it. I need to be there because I want to be there, there’s no point in anyone holding my hand and dropping me off – it’s not a nursery.

I will tell my mum about the forums at some point – she’s very busy with work at the moment, but I’m sure she will find some time and use it. Whether she does or doesn’t, that’s her choice, but I do think that it would do her some good. My gran likewise. They are both very similar, and they panic massively – my dad on the other hand is very chill about the whole thing. What’s done is done, the solution is going to GH. He analysises everything and when you split big problems into little situations, it’s much easier to cope with. It’s funny though, as my parents cope in complete opposite ways.

The program now is 14 weeks, with an initial 2 weeks assesment period. I’m also panicing a bit as I don’t know what they “assess” and I don’t want to be told to that I’m not needed there after the first 2 weeks!

I’m now just trying to enjoy my time left, and hope that the 29th of August comes round as quick as possible.

Thanks for your support.

MrExon

Hello Velvet (again),

I was referring to my own thread. I don’t know whether to reply to every person that posts on my own thread, or just write a post on my own thread and reply to everyone via that. Do you understand what I mean?

I am trying to keep up with everyone and everything, I’m normally quite good at it and also I don’t like to leave anything unturned or unanswered.

Take care.

MrExon

Day 58

Today I’m feeling good. I have cricket practice tonight, and I’m looking forward to that. My mum wants to take me shopping tomorrow (I haven’t bought myself clothes since I was 17, so 4 years ago). Saturday I have a cricket game, Satruday night I’m going out for a meal with a big group of friends, followed by going out clubbing and then Sunday my parents and my brother are coming to watch me play another cricket match.

Things that got to me yesterday:

1) lack of moral support from friends and family:

I may sound really selfish when I say this, but I feel like no one has my back at the moment. A month ago I told my parents I wanted them to come and watch me play cricket (why I should have to tell them to come is beyond me). We set a date in a calendar, and all was fine. It was this Sunday, and they are still coming. Just bare in mind I’ve played probably 7/8 games and my dad has come to 1, and my mum to none. Well yesterday I asked my mum if we would go together in the same car, and she had the gut to turn round and say “no, you go on your own as I don’t think we’ll stay for all of it”. Are you fucking kidding me? We set this date in the calendar a month ago, it’s a time when I’m stressed and depressed and need moral support, and you can’t even come to a whole match. Is this some kind of joke? My parents made all this fuss a few months back about “yeah we want to go and watch you but can’t, bla bla fucking bla”, all because I had a fit in front of my brother a while back saying that they aren’t supportive enough of me, yet that clearly hasn’t sunken in. I give up with them, they are supportive of what they want to be supportive of, and I can’t be arsed fighting over whether they can come and watch me play or not. They should want to come and watch. When my mum has singing concerts, I go to support her, I may not love it, but I do it because it means a lot to her. Clearly the feeling isn’t mutual.

2) my friend pissing his life up the wall:

My closest Spanish friend started dating a 35 year old woman with 2 kids who’s going through a divorce. He’s 20.
He met her through tennis (he’s a tennis coach) and they started hitting it off (whilst she was still in a relationship). We spoke extensively at the time of the pros and cons, and they didn’t do anything until she broke up with her husband. It’s a bloody long and boring story, but they are now dating and have been for around 6 months. Anyway, I haven’t seen my mate properly in a long time, not as much as we used to anyway. I understand he has a woman in his life and that takes up his time, but there’s limits. He no longer goes out with any of his friends from his friend group as “they aren’t proper friends”. He meets me and another friend on the odd occasion, and we don’t end up doing much or seeing each other for very long.
Anyhow, we met up last night to have dinner and watch a film (they had an open cinema night where I live, outside. It was really nice). I ended up driving him home, and we sat and chatted for a couple of hours. We used to do this ALL the time, we both love talking about life, and he has a great philosophy on life. It used to be brilliant. Anyway, we get talking about HIM, about how his work is going in the fields (he has a lot of land for produce) and how his tennis is going. Then the subject of his girlfriend comes up, which we ALWAYS talk about for 50% + the time we spend together. he didn’t ONCE ask me how I was doing, how I was getting on, whether I was ready for going back to England to GM. Nothing. I end up flipping out and saying I’m fucking fed up of doing everything everyone else wants to do, yet no one wants to do what I want to do. One thing I really love is going out clubbing. I’m a huge music fan, I love dancing, and I like having a drink. It’s my ideal situation. Most of my male friends dislike it, or don’t have the money to go out. He however, loves it. Last summer we spent 6 days going out to bands and clubbing, all in the space of 9 days. We loved going out, chatting up women, drinking, dancing, talking, laughing. Well, summer fiestas in our village start on Saturday, and they last 9 days. He doesn’t want to go out for a single one. “I hate clubbing” he said. I don’t know how I didn’t smack him. I told him he’s changing, and he only has time for what he wants to have time for. It’s bullshit. He works a lot, I know, but so do I. He has time for his girlfriend, but none for no one else. I’m fed up. I said “look mate, I’m going in 4 weeks for almost 4 months. Can you not even ask me what I want to do, and just do it? Even if you despise it, do it, do it for me.” Nothing. He’s convinced he’s in the right, that he hasn’t changed, and that he still likes what he used to like, and still hates what he used to hate. I give up.

The worst thing is it’s not just him. Any friends I go out and see, everyone’s so stuck up their own fucking arses that they don’t care about anyone else, then there’s me who just goes around and does what everyone else wants to do because if I didn’t, well I’d be stuck at home all day.

I’ve decided to put two fingers up to everyone, do what I want for 4 weeks because I’m going to have a lot of freedom taken away from me when I’m back at GM, and I’m gonna miss it. I’m fed up of running around trying to make everyone else happy and then end up suffering myself. If no one wants to go clubbing, screw them, I’ll go myself. I’m only doing what I want to do these next few weeks, as I believe that I’m in the right to be a bit selfish for once. (This doesn’t mean i’m not gonna do the washing up because I don’t feel like it).

Sorry if this comes across as aggressive, it’s my thread and I think it’s best to get the emotions out rather than exploding.

Advice anyone?

MrExon

Hi geordie,

Thanks for complementing my writing skills – I do try my best (hehe).

Advice is a hard one to give sometimes on here. I’ve been thinking about what advice to give you with what you’ve gone through recently, but I’ll cover that in a minute in your post.

Getting things off of my chest on here is great, but reading back and realising how angry I am feeling is a bit upsetting. I do think I am very emotionally unstable at the moment, but that has it’s reasons (not gambling being the main one obviously).

I think putting two fingers up at the world isn’t the correct solution, although at the time it felt like the only one. I think I must put myself first and not be afraid to say “no” to anyone. I also must learn to not rely on other people as much as I am at the moment. I am weak now, but I need to keep it together and remember that in the lowest moments, sometimes only you can bring yourself to get back up. I can’t rely on other people so much.

I mustn’t let little things get to me, as it can trigger me and my old gambling habbits, and that’s the last things everyone wants. I need to stay strong, and that’s what I will do.

Thanks for commenting (as always).

Stay safe, stay gamble free, and have a lovely weekend!

MrExon

P.S. – The pintS were lovely thanks ??

Day 62

62 days without gambling. I’m not sure how I’ve done it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve really really wanted to gamble in this time. I’ve missed it, but I haven’t craved it badly. I feel empty inside, and I know that gambling would temporarily fill up that hole. It’s not the long term solution, but it would be the solution for today.

I’ve dreamt 3 days in a row about gambling. I “relapse” in my dreams, wake up panicing and not knowing whether or not I had relapsed. Fortunately I haven’t, they were just dreams.

I feel really empty at the moment, like I’m living without purpose. I have no motivation to do anything. I’m always tired, I get angry and pissed off at the littlest things, I feel like everyone’s fighting against me, including myself. I have 4 weeks until I’m going into GM but it feels like 4 weeks too long. Time is going by slower and slower, I’m feeling more unhappy every day that goes by. I feel much worse than I did when I was gambling, and that’s hard to say and hard to accept, but it’s the truth. I was depressed when I was a gambler, but whilst I was gambling I was in my own little world, nothing cared. The pain wasn’t present. Right now I’m in a world of constant pain and misery, but without the ability to sink myself in gambling – that was my savior. Now I have nothing, nowhere to bury myself to mask my issues.

No one understands the gambling or how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand myself how I’m feeling, that’s the worst thing of all. I have no ambitions in my life right now . I can’t do much as I’m going in 4 weeks time (To GM). I’m just waiting to go and filling my time with pointless activities. I go out and socialise with who I can, but it’s all a cover up. I drink more now, it’s not like it eases the pain but at least I forget how shit my life is.

If it hasn’t gotten any easier in 9 weeks, why will I get any easier in 9 months? I could die and I literally wouldn’t care right now. At least I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck. I used to be the happiest, smileiest, funniest person ever. Now what am I? A disgrace to myself, to my family, to my friends… I’ve turned into a greedy depressed piece of shit, who doesn’t even want to be alive. How the **** did I get myself into this mess?

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but frankly I can’t even imagine it.

MrExon

Day 63 (9 weeks).

9 weeks ago today I made my last bet. I didn’t even know it was going to be my last bet. What I knew was that I’d let my parents down, and I’d let myself down. I will never forget this day. They got back from holiday and sat me down, and told me that they knew I had gambled again. Now I don’t know if I’d class this as a “relapse”. They had previously bailed me out of debt (never do this with a gambling addict, it solves nothing). They thought I’d stop if I knew I was debt free, but we all know that that’s only a fantasy. I never even really tried not gambling, and the second I had money in my account (the following day), I was back to my old ways. Well 9 weeks ago, which was a couple of months after I had originally told them I had a problem and they’d bailed me out, they came back from holiday and told me they knew I’d gambled again. That night I made the decision to change my life for good, and I haven’t looked back since. It’s been bloody hard, no one said it would be easy, but I will be debt free in a months time, I’m going into rehab, and I have a job lined up for when I come out. I’m looking forward to traveling, going on holiday, saving, enjoying life. Before now, I only enjoyed spunking my money up a bookies’ wall.

The thing I really hate about being a gambling addict is you never know how you’re going to feel each day. Yesterday I felt like shit for no reason what so ever. I didn’t speak to anyone, or say anything. I wasn’t living, I was just alive. Today is looking better and brighter, but I had a shit dream last night. Actually, I’ve had shit dreams for about 5 nights on the trot now. I seem to relapse in my dream which when I wake up makes me confused and angry. Although I realise it’s not “true”, it still makes me feel disappointed. If it’s not gambling in my dreams, it’s me seeing or meeting up with an ex girlfriend. We tend to have a good time and then I wake up and realise it’s all lies. This is quite hard to sort of just “get over it, it’s just a dream”. I haven’t really gotten over either of my past girlfriends, I still miss them both for different reasons. I’m pretty ****ed up in the head when it comes to them because I don’t even know how I feel about them. I’ve spoken to them both at the same time and said that I want to get back with them. But how can I say that to both at the same time? I’d message them both and say I missed them both. That’s just not right… I guess I feel empty and want to fill that emptyness with some sort of “feelings”. I don’t know, I’ve been confused for months about the whole situation, so I don’t expect it to be any clearer any time soon. It’s hard because I was in a happy relationship with both of them, but gambling got the best of me and made living that lie really hard whilst with someone else. I screwed up both relationships, and I feel like an absolute cu** because of it. I hope it’s something I will be able to accept and overcome whilst in GM.

The dreams are hard to deal with because I never normally dream. They say everyone dreams but not everyone remembers their dreams – if that’s the case then I don’t remember mine at all. My “imagination” is very weak as it is – I can’t picture images very well at all in my head, colour tends to be the main issue. Therefore remembering very vivid dreams 5 days in a row, and for those dreams to be nightmares, it’s very draining. I can only hope that they end soon.

I don’t really have anything to look forward to from now until I go to GM. Tomorrow I’m meeting up with a huge group of mates (30 or so) and we’re having a meal together and then we’re going out for a bit of a dance and probably a few drinks too many. That’s all I’m really looking forward to. My job is very boring at the moment and I can’t wait to go back to GM to not have to work here anymore. I’m working with my parents and I appreciate them giving me the job but it’s bloody boring. There’s no real motivation to even get up in the morning.

My brother is out here on holiday which means my mum and dad giving him 100% of their attention and me getting punished for just about everything and anything – I got told off for not going to bed before 12:30 the other night. I’m 21 for **** sake! I think I can go to bed when I feel like it. They haven’t told me in 5 years when to go to bed so why suddenly now. It’s like my parents are being hawks and are spotting every tiny little thing I’m doing wrong, and then they pounce on me. I get on with my brother but he’s VERY full on. He can’t just be doing nothing, and there’s always something he wants a hand with. The house isn’t the calm house it was a week ago, and everyone’s stressing out over nothing, and I am very uneasy at the moment so it’s just making life more difficult 10fold.

The other night I was having a few drinks with my closest friends – some of them don’t know about my gambling addiction because they’re so busy with their own lives I haven’t even seem them for weeks. I decided to tell them about it as I will be disappearing for 14weeks at the end of the month and they obviously need to know why otherwise everyone is going to start asking questions. I told them, one of them smirked, one of them said nothing, one of them said “but did you not win anything” and the other one said “oh shit ok”. This is the sort of shit that puts me on edge, like I’m not making this shit up or exaggerating it. No one understands it in real life (as a pose to people on here). All I wanted was a “don’t worry mate, I’m here for you, if you need anything just let us know”. Not even that. I’ve always put everyone else before myself, and they don’t even have the decency to say something nice, just “oh ok”. What the fu@*? It makes me just want to go to GM and never return again. I feel so so so alone in this it’s indescribable.

Today “feels” like a better day, but the underlying issues are the same ones that were there yesterday, and are the same ones that will be there tomorrow. It’s just how you choose to look at life that changes – but in reality that doesn’t even matter. What’s the point in putting a smile on if you’re crying inside.

Take care all.

MrExon

Hey Geordie,

I appreciate the complement. Everyone is different at different stages in their life, but I think I was maturer just before I was 18. I was certainly happier anyway…

Yes, I’m going through the withdrawl symtpoms, although it’s hard to know when they’re there and when thye aren’t, as they aren’t physical symtpoms.

I am really looking forward to going to GM and getting my life back on track – I can’t wait actually. It can’t come soon enough.

It’s great to have people on here that can relate to me, but also we’d all love our loved ones to be able to relate too, but that’s not something that’s going to happen I’m afraid.

Agreed about accepting your past. I think it’s good to know what got us into this shitball in the first place, but in the scheme of things it doesn’t change anything – life is what you make of it. We chose the wrong decision back then, and now we want to change our decision. There isn’t much else you can do.

There’s no point in lieing to yourself in life. As they say, you can fool everyone else, but you can’t fool yourself. I might aswell be sincere, it’ll make me feel a bit better. Getting your issues of your chest makes life a bit easier too, so it’s all for a good cause.

Lol about the grassy arse – made me laugh. I’m glad that I’ve helped you, but you’ve helped me just as much if not more. It’s amazing this forum I tell you.

I will watch those films at some point, thanks for the recommendation.

Sorry if I sound dull in the post, I don’t like not replying to anything/anyone, but I’ve jost posted myself and feel drained out! I really appreciate your post, it was written with passion, and I can tell you care.

Take it easy mate.

MrExon

Hi Gold,

Thanks for commenting on my post, it’s appreciated.

I’m glad you are envious of my progress – it’s makes me feel proud of myself, and proud that I can motivate others with it. It man seem unreal but everyone looks up to someone who has been gamble free longer. I have people here that I look up to, and they will look up to others etc. That’s how we stay motivated, if it can be a motive for motivation then I’m glad I can help you that little bit more.

The best way to use the forums in my own eyes is to use it as a journal/diary, and just say what you’re straight up thinking. No one here is gonna judge you. We’ve all down bad things, and there’s not much you can say on here that hasn’t been said before.

I also have lost that special part of myself, and so has every compulsive gambler. I used to be the most sincere, open, trustworthy person. I’d never lie and I’d never even dreamt about stealing, but that obviously changed.

I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You need to put yourself first in this current situation, which will clearly put your relationship in jeopardy. I don’t really know what to advise, as it depends on each and every relationship, but all I can say is if you really want to be with someone, you’ll go through hell and back to be with them. You can make the wrongs right, you can still be with her, but it’s going to be bloody hard, and you’re gonna have to suck up a lot of sh!t. I really do hope you sort it out, as heartbreak and gambling addiction at the same time is enough to drive one crazy!

Keep your head on, stay focused, stay calm, and stay gamble free. Take it easy mate.

MrExon

Day 64.

I had a good afternoon yesterday. I went and got my alcohol to make my Sex on the beach tonight – it’s fiestas where I live, and today is the day that everyone cooks paella in the same street, gets pissed, then goes partying. I went to my mates garage where we’re doing our paella, and sorted out the sound system with him.

I went to dinner with some friends (female twins) as it was their birthday. We went to a really nice place, and they even paid for me! It was nice, right on the beach. I even fell asleep in the car on the way back, something I haven’t done in literally years (mainly because I drive 99% of the time myself).

Today I’ve woken up after a greaaaaaaat night’s sleep – I didn’t get back til about half 2 and had to be up by half 9 for work so I was worried that I wasn’t going to get much sleep, bearing in mind that today’s gonna be a long day. Do you ever get it where you sleep and you wake up a few times and time itself just seems to be going past really slowly? Like you’ve been asleep for say 4 hours but you’d happily get up and go to work because you feel like you’ve rested properly and fully. I don’t get that, but this morning I woke up and felt like my energy bar was full.

Today is going to be long but fun, work til 6, then out to my mates where all my friends will probably already be pissed (tipsy at least). It’s the best day of the year today as everyone gets together, no one misses out, so it’s the day to see everyone and enjoy the night. I even managed to pull last year – a girl 7 years older than me who I ended up dating for a few months. Just hope I don’t see her tonight!

Today is going to be a good day.

MrExon

Day 65

I had a bloody good night last night! I was hammered by about 9PM and we hadn’t even started the paella. It was a good night, for many reasons. I went with my brother to get fags from a bar I used to go to to gamble, and walking into that bar and not sticking a few quid in the gambling machine was very fulfilling. I also had a long conversation with one of my mates about gambling, as he is starting to think he may have an issue with the roulette, going 3, 4 times a week, spending money he doesn’t have on it. Typical news.

I was having a great night until my brother came up to me at about 12PM ish, showing me a message from our dad:

Well thanks again for ruining you night you pair of cunts. I never expected to have this conversation, but that is what you have driven me too. Just so you both know you really upset yout mother by trying to embarass her tonight. Not just a bit. Seriously upset. I’ve told you both before, and this is the last time I’ll say it. You piss off your mother, you piss off me. In which case find someone else to live with and take the piss out off because we don’t need that sort of shit, nor do we deserve it no matter how pissed you might be. We are your parents. We are not money trees or the butt of your jokes. If you don’t like it or respect that, you know where the front door is and where the street is and you can both **** off and annoy the rest of the planet. We won’t ever have this conversation again. All you’ll find is your crap that I can be bothered to throw over the fence, and our doors locked until such time as the pair of you can demonstrate you have grown up and don’t act like cunts. I don’t give a flying **** what either of you think. We’ve wiped your pussy arses for longer than I care to think. Grow up and grow some balls and start acting like adults. I’m tired and fed up trying to be dad to a pair of 3 year olds. Pandering to your every whim. Making excuses for your inexcusable behabiour, alcohol or not. If you can’t handle your grog which neither of you two lightweights can without getting getting arsey, then don’t drink. So either grow up and help, pay your way a bit, or **** off. Got that ? Is that simple enough that you can both understand? This is OUR home. You live here at over 18 as a luxury, not a right. Treat it with respect. Treat US with some respect. So best you both get your arses out of bed early and start to make up to your mother. Or you are both gonna get ****ed by me. Claro?.

Now when I read this I was like what the ****? Where’s this come from? My brother had told me that he had quite a heavy argument with my dad, but I wasn’t involved. I wasn’t even with my parents… I went and saw them and their friends a couple of times and everyone was having a laugh… My mum came to see me and my mates towards the end of the night, with my brother, and we started the whole joke about my mum doing drugs blah blah (this has been a recurring joke in our family, I tell everyone I know and see that my mum does coke, weed, heroin etc). This is nothing new. I used to ring my gran up “crying” saying that my mum was too high to look after me. I know this is a stupid joke but it all started for a reason (my mum has never done drugs, or at least not in front of me, wink wink nudge nudge). No, honestly, she hasn’t. But it’s a joke we’ve been using for years, she always gets a bit moody when we use it, but she knows it’s a joke, it comes, and it passes. Now with my mates last night I used the joke like I always do, she got a bit more pissed than normal, but I thought that that was probably because she was drunk and it hit a sensitive vain or something. Anyway, to receive a message like that from my dad is like what the hell? I’m fed up of them playing the victim card, acting like they do everything for my brother and I. It’s a crock of shit.

Anyway, apart from reading that from my dad, which I still don’t fully understand, I soldiered on and had a good night.

Got back at 6AM, work at 11AM (I managed to wing 2 hours off work) and I’m bloody tired! Can’t complain though, I had a good time and now I have to work…

My mate was meant to stay at mine last night, I lost him at about 2-3AM. Think he went for a shag the cheeky bugger ??

Take it easy everyone! Choose life, choose being gamble free just one day more.

MrExon

Hi guys,

Sorry, I’ve had a few hectic days. No I bloody well haven’t relapsed Geordie – no faith mate! I was out Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday… Also had a mate staying at mine since Wednesday so had no real time after work to catch up with everyone on here. I tend to write long posts and get long replies, and not just on my own story but on other peoples’ stories too, and I’ve been overwhelmed by it all and can’t reply to everyone at once!

I’ve had a great couple of nights, I really bloody have. I’m not gonna go into loads of details because they’ve been long nights, but I’ve had so much fun that I forgot about gambling and the fact I’m a CG! Lots of dancing, lots of music, lots of drinks, lots of fun. This past week is the week where everyone is out and about, you’re with everyone and anyone throughout the whole week and it’s just party crazy all day every day. Friday night was great, met some older lads who are cousins of a friends of mine. I also saw a girl who I have literally fancied the ass off ever since I met her about 5-6 years ago. We used to speak online alot but never in person, and she came over and said hello and I was ****ing overwhelmed! Think I shat myself… Had such a laugh with such great people, I’m so fortunate to have had such a fab time – I don’t feel like I deserve it…

Yesterday was water fights in the village, there’s like an irrigation ditch that goes through one side of the village and everyone goes down and chuckes water, piss, colouring, paint etc at each other (whilst there are bulls running in the streets 50m away). It’s hard for people to comprehend it, it’s taken me almost 10 years to get my head around it, and I still don’t get it to this day. It’s bloody great, that’s all I know. Night time came round and we obviously hit the town. I’d been pissed since about 6PM so I was having a whale of a time. My brother came out in typical army style (he’s in the army) and that was fun keeping up with his northern banter. He started crying at one point randomly, because he felt shit about my whole situation and felt a bit powerless. I took him aside and said look we’ll speak about it another time, now isn’t the time nor the place, I understand your emotions but I’ve come out to have a good time with mates who I’m not gonna see for months so just let me enjoy it. He understood. I kept looking for that girl from the night before and just as I was about to lose all hope, she appeared! I’d told my mates about the situation, and 3 years ago I’d of been over there in a flash, chatting her up like I used to. Unfortunately, being a gambling addict has destroyed ever last inch of my confidence, and something I once used to do without a blink, now takes me hours to build up the courage. In the end my brother said **** this and went over there and pretty much said look my brother’s being a c$#@, can you come over and speak to him. This made me look like a dick, but it did the trick. We didn’t speak much, but she knew I was there, I knew she was there, and that was that. She went back in with her mates and I was like mate, if you don’t speak to her, you’re gonna kick yourself forever and a day. I decided to go find her and ask if we could speak outside. That was the hardest bit, the rest was easy. We sat and chatted for over an hour, she made me laugh a lot, and we both seemed comfortable. I didn’t pull though, but I think there’s a lot of graft that needs to be put in there…

I’m so bloody tired today, accumulated lack of sleep. Thank god I have nothing to do as it’s Sunday!

Sorry about this sounding “happy” and “upbeat”. It’s strange for me to post about being happy… I think people vent on here which is good, but it’s good to vent your happiness at the same time – you are what you write, and writing depressing thoughts all the time can almost be counter productive.

I will reply to you all when I have time!! It kills me to not be able to but I want to reply and say exactly what I want not just a “thanks for commenting”.

Anyway, I hope you are all staying strong. If I can, you can.

Keep safe, keep gamble free.

MrExon

2am thoughts.

If there’s one thing I’m finding really hard about accepting that I’m a CG is that how do I tell new people I meet in life? Is it just a dark secret that gets locked in a box, and the key thrown away? I don’t work that way, I say what I think, I say how I feel, and I say what I know. Maybe the key to telling people is when you have more trust with them, but then they’d maybe feel betrayed because of not knowing before about being a CG. I know it’s MY problem, but still, we all know how other people act.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m shit scared that no matter who I meet (girls), they’ll judge me for it, because they obviously don’t know anything about being a CG. I’m bricking it, thinking that if I weren’t a CG I’d be able to be with anyone as they wouldn’t judge me…

I just think that if you tell people, they can either accept you or not. If they accept you, that’s great, cos that’s who you are. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, but they accept you, is that really gonna fulfill you? No. Much better to be judged for who you are than rewarded for who you aren’t. Or is that good in theory but not in practice?

2am thoughts, just needed to get it off my mind.

Night.

MrExon

Changing thoughts.

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since I last gambled. Has it been hard? Yes, but I have to say, looking back on it, not as hard as I thought it would be. Gambling was part of my routine, and I just needed to get it out of my system. I haven’t relapsed, or even had a chance at relapsing, or even wanted to bet in these past weeks. Yes, sometimes my memory gets the best of me, and I remember fun times when I would gamble, and I think “yeah, I could gamble now and have some fun”, but I return to reality and remember the shit I went through.

I guess what I’m saying is this: I don’t massively want to go back to Gordon Moody. I know this is very controversial, but I always speak my mind. It’s 14 weeks which is/isn’t long, but I don’t think I will be able to cope. I don’t think I’m in need of the help, I may be kidding myself but I honestly don’t. I think there are other people out there who have been gambling all their lives, they need help. For me it was just a few bad decisions that got me in the shit, and I’ve managed to get out of it myself, and haven’t looked back. Yes, going to GM would be helpful, they’d give me the “bag of tools”, and I have nothing to lose by going. But, if I don’t want to go, don’t want to be there, it’s gonna make the whole process worse.

I dunno, I just can’t see myself being in rehab for 14 weeks… I don’t think I deserve it or need it. If I’d struggled the past 10 weeks I would understand, but yeah, I’ve had shit days and I’ve been more emotional, but that’s just the withdrawals symptoms. I haven’t been close to relapsing, nor have I thought about it. This obviously makes me think about “why” I’m going back. Yes I know WHY, I had a gambling problem. I’m not saying “I’m cured, I can now gamble again”. I will NEVER gamble again, **** going down that route again, but if I can do it myself, why do I need the help?

Mondays are such a mind ****!

MrExon

71 days.

10 weeks it was yesterday since I last gambled. I’m not gonna ramble on about that anymore as I don’t fancy it.

I had a mate’s birthday party last night, and didn’t get home til 7am. Work with my parents at 9:30am, they obviously weren’t pleased this morning. They kicked off, my dad said that I should be sacked as I’m not worth shit, blah blah ****ing blah, same shit different ****ing day dad. Have the balls to say it to my face but you don’t, because you’re fake and you say it behind my back. I got really really angry and ended up putting my fist throw the bathroom window.

Mum wanted to have a chat with me and a lot of emotion and anger came out, followed by way too many tears. My parents problem is they don’t understand how much of an emotional wreck I am. I do stuff without thinking about it or thinking it’s a good idea, but in reality it maybe isn’t. They’re on top of me twice as much as normal, and it’s getting too much. Monday I didn’t want to go to GM and now I want to go tomorrow. Every day is an emotional rollercoaster, it’s draining. They don’t understand that gamblers only understand 1 thing – gambling. We’ve lived for so long doing sleep gamble eat repeat, that we have lost all consciousness of the world and it’s surroundings. We don’t value money, friends, family, love, food, time, love, emotions, feelings, NOTHING. I have to relearn all these things every other human being knows. My parents don’t get that. They don’t get that I’m effectively a baby that has a gambling problem.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. I had a great night but a shit morning, my hand hurts like **** and my Dad wont even look me in the face – nothing new there then.

ARGHHHHH take it easy.

EDIT: I have read all your comments but I don’t have the time nor the energy to reply at the moment. I’m struggling to post 1 thing just on here…

MrExon

Hi all,

Coming up to 11 weeks on Tuesday.

I’ve had a great weekend, we’ve had some Americans over, who are friends of my dads, and we’ve all had a good laugh. Life every day is a struggle for different reasons. The gambling no longer affects me (and hasn’t done for a long time). The only time I think about gambling is when I say to myself “Oh damn, almost 11 weeks! I never think about actually gambling, and that side of things has been easy. The hard bit has been all the underlying feelings coming to light. I’m emotionally weak and I flip in a matter of seconds over very little. I’m so happy that I haven’t relapsed and that I haven’t even wanted to gambling, or been close to.

I haven’t been motivated to write on here at all lately. Not sure why, I just haven’t. My mind has been in other places and I’ve been quite busy.

I met this girl last weekend, a girl I’ve known for about 7 years. We’ve hit it off so well, and I met up with her last night and we were with each other for 4 hours in a bar, and then 3 hours in my car (getting up to no good!). I had a brilliant time, one of the best days I can remember in a long time. I haven’t wanted a girlfriend in over a year (I was with a girl about 10 months ago but I was only with her because she wanted to be with me, it was strange but I never felt anything for her). This is the first time that I’ve actually met a girl I can see myself with since my other girlfriends who I broke up with about 18months ago (more or less). It was hard for me to get over her and I probably still haven’t fully gotten over her, but this girl I’ve been getting to know I want to get to know even more and more. She’s great, she understand me, she gets me, I get her, she makes me laugh, she makes me smile, she makes me feel good about myself, she makes me forget about my fu**ed up life, she makes me want to keep moving forward, one step at a time. She knows I’m going back to England to GM in 2 weeks time, she knows why, and she has been very supportive and very helpful. She hasn’t judged me at all and I respect her so much for that. She’s just told me that if things carry on going the way they are now, that she won’t have any reason to meet anyone whilst I’m back. I can’t be selfish and ask her to wait for me, but if we’re both happy with things are going, it can wait, right? Is this a bad move? I know it’s been quick, and it’s sudden, but I’ve always been like that with relationships. I know straight away if I like someone, I look for certain aspects and if they tick the boxes and the first date is 10/10, then I know I could be with her. Is this a bad idea though? It’s confusing me a lot, I don’t want to screw up GM or my chances with her, I’ve fancied her since I met her, and whenever I’ve seen her since then (which hasn’t been that many times), she’s always made my heart go 1000 to the dozen.

I don’t want to lose yet ANOTHER thing in life. If I weren’t to go back to GM I could see myself with this girl in a few months time. We’re both quite crazy about each other, but GM is in the middle. I am 100% going, but I don’t want to come back and the first thing I find out is she’s with someone else or that she doesn’t want anything to do with me (for whatever reason).

Anyway, this is what’s been on my mind. My relationship with my parents is kinda “back on track”, but I am looking forward to getting some space and going to GM. I think it will do us all some good.

Stay safe guys, stay gamble free as always.

MrExon

13 weeks.

Well I’ll be damned, I thought it was 14 weeks until I just checked on here! Anyhow, 91 days is a bloody long time to not do anything for.

I don’t know how to start this off really. I haven’t posted in weeks – nor have I wanted to, nor have I needed to, nor havd I had time to. It’s been a stressful few weeks…

Firstly, Geordie I am in a travelodge in Dudley right st this very moment, and tomorrow I will be embarking on the start of a new beginning. I am looking forward to going to GM but I am shitting it massively at the same time. I am very tired, I have had to catch 2 planes 2 trains and a taxi to get here and I just want my bed, but I promised myself that I would write before going in. Thanks for being by my side every step of the way, I’ve thought about you every day and I hope to god you’re doing well (I’m sure you are). I really wanted to write to you but if it wasn’t going to come out naturally then I didn’t want to force it. I did want to but I didn’t want to be on the forjms in the past weeks.

My life has kind of flipped upside down in the past 3 or so weeks. I’ve met a girl, the job I thought I would have post GM I don’t think I will have, I’ve realised my weak points with my parents, my bestfriend has let me down, people I thought weren’t my friends have demonstrated they love me, my uncle has been extremely helpful, etc. I can’t go on and on, it’s late and I am tired and I have an early start.

I’m disapointed i have left this until now. I like writing and ai”. **** for leaving it until now, and for stopping writing kn the first place. There are so many things I can write about from my past few weeks, but do you know what? It’s in the past, just like my gambling will be. I’m here, almost in GM, and I’m determined to get my life back on track. I have half the world behind me, and it’s now just down to me.

Go team Rory.

Thanks to everyone else, I mentioned Geordie because he’d been there since day one but shoutouts to Jonny, Vera and everyone else who has supported me along the way. This isn’t a goodbye. This is a see you later. Not a full stop, but a new parragraph. This isn’t a new life, but a new chapter of my life.

I really would love to ramble on but I haven’t the time. Thanks guys, you don’t know how much I mean that.

Keep up with your recoveries. These next 98 days are going to be fucking hard for me, and I’m gonna be rooting for every one of you guys, and I hope you’ll be doing the same for me.

Take care.

MrExon

To be resumed.

Hello all,

MrExon here! Thought I’d do a quick update whilst I have my phone as I’ve been meaning to for a few weeks now.

GM is so much better than I thought it would be. It’s not a prison like I had imagined. You get a lot of freedom, but the rules are the rules and you have to abide by them no matter what.

We get lots of free time which is great to reflect and chat eith the lads. There’s a great bunch of lads in here, all from different backgrounds and walks of life. Ages range from 21 to 62 which is great as many people have a lot more experiencie and wisdom than myself. In my house is kstep85 who is a decent lad, he’s fun to be around and supportive all hours of the day. Then there’s Adam who’s only a year older than me, which is great as we can relate a lot. He’s very supportive and loves a good laugh. We get on like a house on fire us 3, and I couldn’t have wished for 2 better housemates. I really hope that we can be mates for life, I’ve never met two more genuine lads in my life. I’m blessed to be in with them.

As some of you may know, everyone here is on a different week of their course, so we see people come and go almost weekly. It is sad to see people leave, but they are ready for the real world. It’s good to see new people come in, as you can appreciate the difference between the mentality of someone just starting and someone just finishing. I have finished my 6/14 week today. It’s bloody flown by!

The course is great, although not as intense as I thought it would be. Aprox. 10hrs a week in total. You relate more to some topics than others, and the way I’ve found it id that I learn a lot on one day, then not much for a few days, and then I relate to something again and it sinks in. I’ve had a few ups and downs since I’ve been here, but one thing for sure is I’m here for the long run.

I’ve realised so many things about myself and about my past that I never knew – I lost out on a big part if my early teens due to being in another country and not comfortable with myself or my surroundings, and also how much of a negative impact being made independent has had an effect on me. I’m not going to blab on about the negatives, but it’s amazing how many things he hide from ourselves. Also, our emotions are what make us hinge on a decision, and how much of an impact they have on our day to day. All these things I’ve learnt from being here, and had I not come here, I would never know today.

In our free time we play pool, darts, table tennis, football and badminton. It’s great to be able to compete with the other lads, and it’s healtht for all of us. On Saturday’s we go our and do an activity together which is great for spending time all together.

In general I’m feeling great. I’ve gotten back a lot of my confidence, I have more respect for myself and others, I’m more accepting of everything in general, and I’m all roud happier in general. I haven’t thought about being unhappy/depressed since week 1, which is a really positive sign. Being here is the best decision I’ve ever made.

That’s about it for now. I hope you’re all doing great and remaining gamble free! I’m on around 125days gamble free so far which feels amazing.
-“He who says he can, and he who says he can’t are both usually right.”

Stay gamble free guys, screw the demon inside us.

Take care all, and much love.

MrExon – Rory

Hey mate!

It’s been a while. How’s it hanging? I finished GMA and stayed on at the halway house, I did about 7 months in total. Been gamble free for almost 2 years now! Hope you’re well.

Rory