restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something:
to not do something, especially something enjoyable that you think might be bad:
to choose not to do or have something :
to hold oneself back voluntarily:
to refrain deliberately and often with an effort of self-denial from an action or practice:
People usually abstain from things that are considered vices:

I guess abstinent for me this year involves words that comes out of my mouth.

saying irresponsible things can be fun, unfortunately it can hurt someone at the same time, it is so selfish and inconsiderate.

Imagine how harmful and destructive words can be when saying something to a person can plant the seed of resentment inside them, it can harm their recovery in the end, this is so cruel and wicked.

Sometime it is very tempting to share or say something in the group when I should not say a word, I was impulsive and show a lack of self-control.

saying something can prove that I know something and you do not, it can made me look superior and the other inferior.

It is not important to say anything anymore. It does not benefit or help the other person and me.

I better mind my own business and do someone a favor. Keep my mouth shut.

After all the bad things I have done in this life, what did I do to deserve all the good things. I am only an addict. It had to be the mercy and grace of God.

My self-righteousness has got me into all sort of troubles. My self-belief in gambling are not realistic. I believe that I can beat the house sometime and I have done it many times; this was the truth, unfortunately it was also a trap I fall into everytime.

The fact that I can beat the house sometime will give me false hope and encourage me to continue trying. I will lose everything that I have got in the end this way.

The house changes all the time to adapt to gamblers, it has a system design to beat gamblers by psychologists and mathematicians. It can change very suddenly and quickly, I get hit by a different new rock bottom this way every single time in a very short time when I get trap and could not get out in time. I cannot beat them in the end.  

Listening to my voice and my way only get me into more financial hardships.

There is hope in a new way of life and this way is not my way. I must not take my second chance in life for granted.It could be my last chance.

My Thoughts: If a person ever have many successes in making money, building a company, managing an organisation and managing people using his or her own way. It is not easy to trust others fully overnight. That person must have great wisdom and be very humble to be able to do that.

My Feelings: It is very tempting and easy to trust myself more than others. My way is familiar and predictable, any other new way is an unknown, a fear, no guarantee for me.

It takes so much faith believing in something we cannot see. It takes so much courage and belief to keep the faith all the way to the end.

Do I trust myself more than anyone and anything.

Can I give up my way if I do not have the obedient and keep returning to old ways from time to time.

I need to trust God and a new way of life for recovery people.

I was evil in the past. I have harm and hurt many, some very deeply but very few people realize that if you take away the addiction, I can become a different man.

What was it like in the past?

My mum ask me why everyone die and I was not one of them.

My lover curse me to die

My sibling does not want to talk to me or have anything to do with me for many years.

What was it like now?

By the mercy and grace of God, the bible and the 12 steps recovery program was my compass and has given me a direction in life.

I was learning, and making mistakes at the same time, and making amend to people as and when possible.

My ex lover is someone wife now but my relationship with my immediate family is restored. There is hope.

My slogan: one baby step at a time 

I was dumbfounded, frighten and shock by the sharing in meeting tonight.

I realize that God and the bible, Gambling Therapy, Gambler Anonymous and The 12 steps recovery program, people and meetings did not need me at all.

But I need God and the bible, Gambling Therapy, Gambler Anonymous and The 12 steps recovery program,  people and meetings.

Very Quick

Gambling can destroy and break up family and wipeout saving very fast

Very destructive and powerful

It can take away all your money and friends, destroy your career and put you behind bar in the end.

It is God’s timing, I will now attend and follow GA program and learn how to stop.

Pain and Hope

In meeting I want to hear the pain that gambling brought to a person and the hope that stopping gambling brings to a person.

I must share and focus on my recovery and not tell others what to do.

“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.” ~Zig Ziglar

I was drinking or gambling to numb the pain, but after a few drinks or gambles my emotional pain and gambling loss would explode into more anger and despair.

Drinking or Gambling was a quick fix with a long and heavy price.

Accept the pain, not numb it with drinking, gambling or sex and live with it.

What am I going to do differently this time?

Connection

I am going to trust God all the way

I am going to follow GA program all the way

I am going to follow the people in NA,GA,AA all the way

My weakness

It was the temptation to listen and follow me and my old ways

I trust myself more than anyone and any program

It is easier to help a normal person. I will never go into the biz of helping a fellow addict.It was too demanding, and require special expertise experience, knowledge and training

plus these people are too unpredictable; they can get very violent and angry.

It is not their fault. Some are suffering from addiction while some are suffering from both addiction and a mental illness.

I am not train in these area, and I am not ready for these people. The experience with these people can be quite traumatic for me.

Why do I keep re-offending? Addiction is a chronic and relapsing disease.

In the first year of recovery, the chances of relapsing can go up to as high as 70 per cent to 80 per cent.

The longer an addict stretches out the period of abstinence, the lower the risk.

What is their problem?

What is looking down on people? It is judging somebody. And judging harshly. 

They look down on you because they know they are better than you or 

They think that you are inferior to them in many ways.

Why do they look down on people?

Because of their insecurity. Putting down people somehow gives people a false sense of superiority. It helps them feel good about themselves and re-establish their self esteem

When they point out the flaws and wrongdoing of others they take the attention off of their own flaws and wrongdoing.

A lot of “bullies” have had little control in their life.

Since they have no control and are belittled. The only time they feel worthy is when they make others feel worse.

They want to bring people down to make themselves higher. It’s also about a sense of control.

Calling someone by a nasty, unkind name and judging someone hashly feels as if they have more power than the person they are insulting. 

This really does nothing for us, it only made the other person feel bad about themselves.

How do they make me feel?

They make me feel embarass, shame, pain, guilty, rejected, abnormal, ignored, and a failure.

In the past, I will get hurt but today I knew that my happiness does not rest on the things they say or feel about me. Many times, these are lies or judgmental criticisms. These people simply wanted to take full control of the situation because they have very strong feeling of insecurity and this is their instinct.

What should I do?

Confident and happy people don’t give a crap what other people think, whether other people are more successful than them, or what people do with their lives, because they are too busy being happy with their own lives to waste their time caring/thinking about the “faults” or “defects” of others.

Focus on the things that I can do and not on the things I cannot change or do. I can choose to be with people who can help me and stay away from people harmful to me.

I am powerless

1. Many need a listening ear but some want more; they like to tell others what to do and do not like to be told what to do.

It feel like a hostage when near these people, they are aggressive and frightening, they bring terror and strike fear in the heart of others. They threaten others into submitting and giving in to their demands. It is a very typical terrorist, gangster behavior. Groups can also behave like this. You are either with us or not with us.

They feel that they are right and others are wrong, they are not ready to listen but they will try hard to convince others to be like them.

I have learn to manage these situations by setting up and building my support network so that I will not be overly dependent on any one group or any one person for my recovery. I have a right to protect my recovery and sanity by keeping a distance from these group and people. 

2. Some like to take advantage of other. These people have unrealistic expectation. They are very self-centered and selfish. They do not want to take responsibility and accountability of their problem, they let their problem become everybody problem.

I must let go and let the Higher Power, let the Higher Power do their work. I must not not interupt with their work of helping others. It is their duty and they are paid to handle these situation.

My recovery comes first. I have a right to say no to them.

3. They will try to convince me to give service just like them.

I am not them, I was reluctant to give something that I do not have. I am already offering my service to others in many other ways for many years. I do not wish to be like them.

4. I share the same problem as many newcomers and many are smarter, more highly educated, more successful in their career, more wealthy than me, their problem is also many times bigger than me.

The speed that brought them down was so quick that it shock me beyond my imagination about this reality.  

5. I need to work the recovery program harder. This may be my last chance. I do not know how many good years I have left. In my remaining years, it is important for me to learn and follow God, give offering to my family first, pleasing others and myself can come last 

6. I must remember all the times; Let go and Let God.

I am not God, not a doctor , not a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, not a counsellor, not a rich man. I must not act, advice and give like someone I was not.

I only need to learn to give and love others the way God give and love me unconditionally.

There shall be nothing to fear now. I do not need to be a people pleaser or a doormat.

Thank you God for the mercy. I must learn how to be merciful and mind my own business.

Under the disguise of recovery, and “helping,”

A clean, but non-Sober person can indulge in self-righteousness. They can exercise control over the lives of others, for self-gratification.

Many new, weak and vulnerable recovering people are hurt by evil intent, many has relapse in the process, many are discouraged and has stop coming back for lunchtime meeting by condemnation and insensitive words.

Recovery person were encourage to share in lunchtime meeting, some share dark secrets, some share painful experience…

An irresponsible staff of the recovery center abuse their trust and use what was shared against them at the meeting, this person will judge, criticise, condemn and destroy his victim with his words. It was childish insensitive and cheap. 

My mentor was strict with me, he does not like me to use words to convenient my wrongdoing. For example: he does not like me to continue doing wrong just because no man is perfect. He want me to repent and turn over my ways.

I have received some professional training at work and can tell that this evil intent is misrepresenting and misleading his listeners to convenient his cause.

A professional trainer will focus on teaching the message in the book. The message in the book will not change and was the same yesterday today and tomorrow but people change, they like to add their own words to the message and change the message completely.

Everyone is expected to switch off and not use their handphone in the meeting. This person behavior shows that he think he is above the law, he tells other not to use their handphone in the meeting but has no shame to use the handphone while the meeting is going on. 

These people dismiss your dificulties or issues as unimportant or an over reaction

These people made new recovery person walk on egg shells in an effort not to upset them.

They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatric in order to remain the centre of attention

They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions

They never take responsibility for hurting others

They perceive themselves as heroes and expect preferential treatment. 

I am wary of his verbal abuse and choose not to  believe his lies and save myself from him.

My thoughts:

I can walk away and let God take care of everything, the vengence is not mine.

Many things I do did not made sense to me for many years, no one normal would self sabotage so many times or engage in self destructive behaviors like me. I thought that I was not normal  compare to others aound me until I met other addicts who was like me, I start to feel nornal like them.

I am an addict everyday. I trust and listen to myself. My self-justification, irrational thought and insanity will lead me to repeat the same old thinking and ways again and again.

Everyday I need to made a decision to choose recovery.

As long as I remain an addict, I will want to do something which I do not need.

I. I want to gamble but I do not need it

2.I want sex but I do not need it.

3. I want to drink alcohol but I do not need it

4. I want to eat but I do not need it

Someone told me that age will take care of sex and it is true. This is where I have catch my sick mind at work, my mind desire and want sex when my physical body cannot deliver. This is an evidence and poof that what my mind tell me is not reliable anymore.

The same apply to food, I had proper meal but my sick mind want somemore food even when I am not hungry a few hour later.

Tell tale sign that I should not listen to my mind.

Gambling, sex, alcohol and food are my entertainments. They are a very costly pass time and the price is very expensive. Not something that I should be doing.

Would I love you unconditionally? Would I do anything for you unconditionally? Would I give up anything for you unconditionally? The answer is Yes 

When I wake up tomorrow, it will be the beginning of my 3^rd day of fasting from something I love which is sugar and rice.

I did the same thing last year, it has done me wonders and I want to carry on this practice again this year.

Me

I have failed to abstain from anything I love whenever I listen to my head.

My power fail me in the end.

I like to do the things that I want and not what I need.

I would listen to my irrational thought and justify my reason to act out. I would follow my way and end up where I do not want to be.

Now

During my fast, whenever I recognize the familiar old feeling of an urge, I just drank water and it solve the problem, I was thirsty and not hungry. I need water, not food.

When I feel any temptation before I sleep and after I wake up, I just recite The Lord’s prayer.

YOU

I did not know what actually happen to me, but after I have fasted in the last 2 days, I have experience and can tell the big difference every day. I was thinking of YOU my God more often. I am no more struggling, fasting help me to think of YOU.

Miracle

I did not have the usual craving thought for gambling and alcohol in the last 2 days. Where did all those temptations disappear to?

The wisdom here is not relying on my own strength to abstain from something I love.

The focus is on the power of God and praying for God’s strength to help me stay away from my temptations. Trusting God more and me less. Fasting is helping me to get closer to God.

I weight 86 kg before I start the fast.

Update 83 kg now

my fourth day of abstinent was the hardest. I tried to sleep but cannot sleep until the last 2 hours before day break and all this while… I was struggling with urge to give it all up.

I made a decision to stop fasting on the tenth day, because of the corona virus.

Quality of life in recovery has improve for me and I was making amend to people over time. I was also contributing and helping people in recovery back home.

I thought it was the right time to clear some things from the past now. I was clearing my old stuff and found things that reminded me of my tragic past.

Suddenly I realize, nothing I do can help. How can I recover from all this?

This is a scary thought. Nothing I do can erase all the wrong that I did in this life. When I am facing the judge, it is useless to tell the judge that I has been doing good thing and helping people, it is not going to help or erase all the wrong that I have committed.

There are so many moments in my life when I was not in the right frame of mind, the year of 2002 was one of them, it probably explain how everything lead me to seek help for the first time in year 2005.

Why didn’t I attend to all those important thing?

I felt sad looking at all the bad things that I have done. I will forever have to live with this guilt that I have committed many unforgivable and punishable sin. 

 And yet I have to finish this race, it is not going to be beautiful but I hope it will have a good ending.  

I do not control how much time that I have left. I just have to trust my Higher Power and handover everything to the Higher Power. I just have to trust my Higher Power’s timing.

I am watching things getting done now. It was not my plan and timing. It did not happen according to my plan and way.

These are impossible task for me but I read about my Higher Power promises and His promise to deliver. They are coming true for me, amen.

All glory goes to God!

I tried to help my 90 years old mum feel better by spending time chatting with her. I ended up becoming her punching bag, she throw out all her frustration and resentments on me. She will be like that when she is trigger by my cousin or the new maid, suddenly she is very unhappy with everyone. I was the convenient target available to her.

It is not that they are lying or making things up. They are sick and unwell in the mind, they see thing and feel thing very different from us. I realize that it can be very tough to be a caregiver to an elderly who has lost their mind. It was very stressful, they can say very hurting things and it can be very painful. In short it can drive you nuts, it takes a lot of tolerant, patient and love to take care of them unconditionally. Something I feel very lacking.

They can complaint about someone or something this minute and you remind them later about what they have say and they cannot remember saying them at all. 

I kept myself sober end of the day by taking some time out to go watch a movie at the cinema, collect my feeling before I return home to the same thing.

I did not know why I did not take alcohol or gamble, I really wanted to numb my feeling with alcohol but it did not happen.

How did this happen? It just happen one day!

God’s timing is perfect. I will be making financial amends to my siblings early next month, I can invite them to dinner and update them on the latest health of my mum so that we can pay more attention to the things that she say and help her with more tolerant and  love, care and kindness. Something I am very guilty of not doing enough.

Met some people from AA. These people told me it was the same, I know it was not the same, our rock bottom is not the same.

We can be from the same industry, I have lost my career, they have not. I was broke, they are not. I tried to take my life, they have not.

These people are very successful in their career and business today. I am not like them, I have no career, I have no money. I need to fight for survivor every single day.

I cannot afford to be complacent. I need to be very vigilant to protect my emotional sobriety.

I need to keep a safe distance from these people, I cannot do what these people are doing.

I need to continue my slow and careful baby step forward. I have gone very far this way; I do not need to follow them.

I have watch one by one putting in solid effort and do what was told by the false teacher in recent years and every single one have relapse.

The person who play God to these people was quick to condemn, judge, criticize, shame and embarrass them when they relapse. This false teacher is very quick to shake off any responsibility and involvement in the recovery of the person he advise. My reply to him was which addict does not relapse, I have relapse and has keep coming back for many years.

His followers in recovery stop coming back to attend meeting after they relapse. They see the true color of this person and lost hope.

My true teacher will look for the lost sheep, he will not abandon his sheeps.

I shall mind my own business and focus on my recovery. I shall leave everything to God. The vengeance is not mine.

Hi I did it

Thank you for the support and encouragements. If I am still in active gambling, it would be almost impossible for me to provide the family with my time, money, care and love.

My mum is more than 90 years old now, she is losing her memory and is saying hurting things very regularly nowadays.

I still struggle to accept what she throws at me everyday and stay sober. How I wish that I have endless tolerance. 

I still need to fight for my survivor everyday as I carry on living.

I have nothing to fall back on for the rainy days. My addiction only complicate matter and make me vulnerable in difficult life situation.

I have travel far taking one baby step at a time for more than ten years…my quality of life has improved and is nothing for me to complaint.

Recovery in addiction has taught me about the reality of life and force me to be humble. Recovery has not made me a better person than another person in recovery.I am still vulnerable and no different from any newcomer.

I never expect to say this one day, I must learn how to be tolerant of others.

Tolerance is a willingness to accept others and their beliefs, even if I do not agree with them.

I need to listen carefully without jumping to conclusions and try to understand the other person ‘s point of view.

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” ― Timothy Keller

I can agree to disagree.

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.

1 Peter 3:10

For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.

1 Peter 3:11

let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.

Man are not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Man is fallible. I was not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. My thought, feeling and emotion can be different every day and they could affect my decision and action.

Every day I need to make a decision. It was a daily affair. Every day I had  to make a choice to choose recovery or self-destructive behavior.

Recovery is an action plan.  I need to follow up this decision with action and commitment to deny my desire to act out my self-destructive thought, feeling and emotions.

I replace the people, place and things associated with my self-destructive  behavior with people. place and things associated with recovery and a new way of living life.

I drop in at the recovery drop-in center whenever I am free, I attend various support group meetings, I attend 12 steps recovery and smart recovery workshop and classes whenever I had the opportunity. I try to visit the church to attend service, alternatively I seek these service online,  I also watch youtube videos on recovery online and I visit this recovery website online to keep and update my recovery journal. I also meet up with other recovery people and chat over coffee or  tea. These actions act as a constant reminder and my commitment to my recovery. As a result, my journey was the same on most of the days.

My journey was not the same every day, I am still prone to making mistakes and weakness. I am human, my mind can slip, forget or get distracted by people, places and things. My recovery was not perfect, I have my fair share of slips and relapses.

My journey does not end with a slip or relapse. Slip and relapse was a part of my learning and growing process, they are a sign that I was not doing something right or correctly, they are a sign that I need to change. I intend to soldier on until the last day of my life.

I was so glad and relieve with learning how to seek progress and not perfection in my life. It has teaches me how to be happy, joyful, peaceful and grateful.

My recovery slogan was one baby step at a time. Little by little, slowly but surely, the quality of my life improves over the year.

It can never get worst as a result of addiction if one chooses this path of recovery.

Best regards and best wishes from the bottom of my heart to the person still suffering and struggling reading my thoughts here.

All glory goes to God.

With Love

Kin

August 2005 was my beginning and introduction to recovery. Two of my biggest wish in recovery was to restore my relationship with people and to made financial amend to people.

Fast forward in March 2020, my relationship with the family was restored and I have completed making financial amend to more than half of the people on my list.

It was a dream for me, I thought they would never happen, but they did.

In the past, I was always feeding my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways. Today people are asking me to be more selfish. They also tell me not to work so hard now. These are signs that people around me are changing how they look at me.

I felt that this was an opportunity that I cannot miss and most probably my last chance. I have received a cash proceed of 96,000sgd from the sales of my humble property last Tuesday and have used 105,000sgd to made financial amend to 15 person.

These people have not seen me for more than 16 years and I have lived with the guilt, shame and regrets ever since.There was a lot of self-beating, mental torment and self punishment because I cannot forgive myself. I cannot accept what I did to other people.

Now that  this is a thing of the past for me, some very heavy baggage on me was finally lifted off my shoulder.

This journey was a process of redemption and making amendment to people for me.

When an alcoholic, over eater or a compulsive gambler relapse, they can try to do recovery again the next day. It Is not the same for the drug addict, if they are caught, they lose their freedom, and get lock up behind bars.

The take-away for me here is this…I would do anything to stay away from drugs. As long as I am alive and free, I have a life-time to slowly work my recovery.

Now… I would do anything to stay away from drinking, this was a very ugly form  of recovery, I would really do anything to replace the drinking and gambling. It was an imperfect way to stay clean for me but it works for me.

I learnt this from the recovering drug addicts.

After resolving something that I have been hiding and haunting me for more than 15 years, I notice that I had a new problem adapting to a life free from guilt, shame and regrets. They have always been there since the beginning of my recovery.

Take away these load and I lose my focus on my recovery and job. I need to do a reality check of my current status and identify my existing debt and commitments.

I still need a job to keep servicing the remaining loan and commitment in the future.

I do not want to fall into the trap where I feel that “everything is ok, and I am ok” and I allow myself to get into troubles again.

I need to refocus on how I want to finish this race.

I really do not know how I survive the last 6 months but I did. There was just too many things going on at the same time.

Even as I completed the task over time, I can see what was happening to me. I was anxious and fearful because of my remaiing debt and commitment, I was afraid that I would relapse and self-destruct, I was stress by mum, work, selling my old flat, and buying a new flat.

I just realize that my old laptop was not working recently and my daily activity or pattern was badly affected. I was actually suffering from the withdrawal of surfing the internet that I do everyday.

I could have fill up this void with all form of self destructive behavior but somehow I struggle and survive.It is not worth it, I did not want to be too calculative with myself for once for fear of ruining everything in my life now and bought a new laptop, radio and alarm clock to cope with my daily activities and let everything return to normal.

God has been very merciful to me and I have survived by God’s Grace till date.

The vengeance is not mine. I will leave the false teacher and liars in the hand of God.

I was concern today that I have no one to check my thoughts ; I prayed to God to lead me and I offered 500 sgd to someone who needed help and bought them grocery at the same time.

There was a time when my mum was suffering from cancer and fracture leg, I was so poor I had no money to take the public transport to see her. I knew how painful this feel.

God is good and I was given the opportunity to pass 100sgd to someone in the meeting who shared that she will be chase out of their house and 100sgd to a man who felt very guilty and lousy for not being able to purchase milk powder for his new born baby.

My close friend is telling me to be selfish and keep the money for myself in the future because I will need them but If I was told to let God lead me, this is what happen. God love me first. It was important for me to show love and give others hope in life and humanity.

All Glory goes to God.

My journey was not beautiful but I will finish them one day.

54 this year and not knowing how many good years left.

Almost 15 years living this life knowing I have an addiction. During these times, been to some place and met some people who was never there for me in my most difficult time. They are not there before and I do not need these people in my life now. 

But there are some exceptional, compassionate and kind people who have stood by me all these times. These special people are rare and hold a special place in my heart. They are enough for me.

I need to re-evaluate my current situations in recovery, I must stay very down to earth and grounded. There is no need to fix something that was working for me. I only need to repeat the same thing one day at a time, and take one baby step at a time.

Nothing about me has change except the  progress and distance that I have travelled.

My debt is not troubling me as much as it used to anymore, the debt now is not a result of binge gambling but more like the living expenses any normal man or lady  would have and it is more acceptable and less punishing to myself.

I calculated that I would need to set aside 1000 sgd a month for the next 30 months to complete the next phrase of my repayment plan.

God is good.