[Jonas87]

Hello everybody.

My name is Jonas, and I’m a gambling addict.

My gambling habit started around 2011, when I was going through hard times in my personal life. At the time I did not realize it, but the gambling habit was probably some kind of (destructive) self therapy, which made me feel slightly better If I happened to win some money.
As with most gambling addicts, my bet sizes quickly increased from couple of dollars to couple of hundreds, even thousands of dollars per bet.
The bad habit has been along me ever since..

I am a working person with decent income and I have never taken any loans and always paid my bills and rent in time, but most of my spare money has gone in to gambling and I have almost no life savings at age 28. Only thing I am thankful in my finances is that I gladly have no debt, and never will due to this habit.

In the last weeks/months my addiction has been crazy and a wild rollercoaster: I happened to won 4k at first, but then blew it all couple of days later. Even after that loss I gambled and won another 11k jackpot and promised to myself that I would not bet that money and start a fresh life with nice little amount of money in my pocket. Well you can already guess what happened after that…

My family and girlfriend do know about my problem and after my last big win I convinced everybody that my gambling is stopped and I am now gamble free. And for a brief moment I actually felt like that, everything was looking great.

But for some awful reason that I cannot currently explain, I wanted to play more last weekend (was completely sober)!
I started to gamble little bit of my money and I was again ahead about 1k, but quickly started to lose my money. Long story short, I started chasing my losses and could not stop.
At the end of the adrenaline-rush filled sickening night, I had lost it all. 10k, just like that. Even after all those false promises to myself and my family I happened to lost it all in couple of hours and hit the rock bottom.

After the fact happened I felt extremely disappointed in my self, suicidal (but only surprisingly briefly), disgusted and I felt like I had let myself and everybody close to me down. I also feel sick on what I could have bought for the money or what I could have bought to my family or girlfriend. Writing this right now brings tears to my eyes..
I have felt very depressed after the incident. Only things that keep me positive is my work, family and my girlfriend. She or my family doesn’t know about the loss and I’m currently too ashamed to tell them.

I have couple of hundred dollars left, which hopefully helps me get to my next paycheck in couple of weeks.

I understand that only way to get rid of this awful addiction is to completely stop all gambling once and for all. Thinking about the amount of money I lost feels sickening and I try not to think about it too much or obsess over it. I understand that the money is forever gone and I have to rebuild my finances trough work and savings, not gambling.

I try to keep this journal updated often and maybe buy me a nice little present after day 365 with my hard earned money, maybe the car or watch I’ve always wanted.

Day 1

[Johnny B]

Feel fortunate that you have acquired very little debt. The losses start to become more brutal and unacceptable the more you try to chase… This site is full of people with stories much like yours, but many who have not recognized their issue until well beyond your recognition.
Coming to Gambling Therapy is a good first step. Keep up with your posting, participate in a chat room… I am 3 months gamble free after 30 years of madness. Do I miss it? Sometimes it passes my mind, like a no good ex girlfriend who you had fun with once or twice, but was purely toxic in the long run.
You have to be here for you. Please participate as much as you see fit, but keep in mind you are among friends!
Good luck on your path
Johnny B

[Jonas87]

Thanks for replying Johnny, it’s great to have you and other people as peer support.

I still feel very depressed about the loss.
I know I have the guts in me to stop completely gambling, the hard part is accepting the huge sum I lost. But at the same time I acknowledge that chasing the sum is really no option and by doing that is going deeper in to the rabbit hole. I guess life is full of disappointments and this is just one of them. I guess I’m lucky to be still breathing and healthy.

I had slight suicidal thoughts yesterday night and for a brief moment I wished that my life would completely stop. But then I thought about my beautiful girlfriend and my family, dogs etc. I know that I have to keep fighting for all the people (and animals) I love.

I’m also adapting this positive new mindset: I’ll try to make this loss „worth it” by starting to eat healthier, losing weight, starting new activities and being overall a better man to my girlfriend and other people. I guess time will heal the wounds caused by the gambling and those losses and griefs will be eventually fulfilled with new life experiences.

These things can be positive turning points of life in the long term.

BTW. I still relapsed and gambled all I had left in my bank account (130$) and lost it all. I thankfully have 300$ in cash which I’m going to stretch till my paycheck in 2 weeks.

I’ll try to take one day at a time and use discipline. Gambling stops now!

[Jonas87]

Almost a week has passed since I lost all of my money. It still gives me shivers to think about the sum of 11k+, but at the same time today Is also the first day that I’ve sort of made my first mental step of accepting the loss and starting to feel slightly optimistic about my life. I’ve realized that by changing my spending habits and finances and maybe low-risk investing I can make that money back in the long run. (Let’s say in about 3 years). Only thing I and other gamblers should mentally accept is that the money can’t never be obtained back from the casino (or that the chances for that are close to none).

On the other positive things, my diet has been going very well. I’ve eaten only about 1000kcal per day and I have been very strict about the diet. Friday has been my only munchy day, and I’m happy to allow myself to eat treats at one day of the week prior to the pre-loss 7 days a week that I used to have.
First time in many years I predict that I’m going to be healthy and in shape when the summer comes and this is great positive goal for myself.

Everybody stay positive!

[Jonas87]

Had a disgusting relapse last night. First time in my life, I took a quick loan of 1k and gambled it all away.
The saddest thing was that I was playing in calm manner and with moderate bets and was almost 4.5k ahead, but eventually started to gamble recklessly and lost it all. I could have paid my debts and have extra money if only could I have stopped sooner (I guess us CG:s never learn). I planned in my mind to take 3.5k away no matter what, but I reneged and lost it all. I didn’t even want to chase the whole 10k, and would have been (surprisingly) happy with couple of extra thousand, but eventually for some adrenaline-rushed moment I broke my own rules and lost it all in couple of minutes. I guess greed got the best of me.

Next couple of months are going to be financially hard. I’ll try to stay positive and learn from my mistakes. This is a sick addiction.

[velvet]

Hi Jonas
There is nothing calm about the addiction to gamble – it is active in your brain and ready to take you from the person you want to be, to a person who is capable of losing everything, in the twinkle of an eye.
Abstinence is not recovery Jappy but you are going further than attempting abstinence, you are participating on a site that offers support, guidance and empathy, so well done on starting your thread and posting support to others.
In my opinion, it is important that you stop thinking you can gamble calmly or responsibly – these are definitely not compulsive gambling traits.
Re-read your words in your first post Jonas – ‘Only thing I am thankful in my finances is that I gladly have no debt, and never will due to this habit.’ – I’m sorry to tell you that there is absolutely no guarantee that you will never have debt if you indulge your compulsion, in fact I would guarantee the opposite. The addiction has no regard for your welfare, it will suck you dry.
Keep posting and hopefully you will soon be able to look back on your journal and see how far you have come.
Velvet

[Johnny B]

I agree with Velvet. The fact that you are on here seeking help is an important step. Even if there are relapses, which we hope will be less rare, the fact that you recognize there is a problem is important.
The problem for me, is the acceptance that we cannot do what others can without issue… From many of the forums I have read, the relapses are like making up for lost time, and they usually are extreme blow ups. Fortunately, I have not been down that road ( and I will say yet, praying that it doesn’t happen)…but I know that the support on GT has made me more accountable…
Strangers behind keyboards, allow me to share my thoughts, and know my struggles… and not only do I not gamble for myself, but I don’t gamble because I don’t want to let everybody who believes in me down.
The beauty, is they will always be here with up and downs to share. Be proud of the effort you are making here, and believe me, the longer you stay away from gambling, the easier it is to say no.
Stay strong!
Johnny B

[Jonas87]

Thanks for your replies and wise words Velvet and Johnny B, you both share some great points!

Still feeling pretty down about the 11k jackpot loss. It’s so hard to accept my own stupidity, why the hell did I gamble it all back, I’m an idiot! I could have bought me a nice watch, a car, I could have paid almost two years of my rent, dining out, took my girlfriend for nice holiday, but no, I blew 11000+ euros in an instant. Sad and sickening. I have to work at least 10 months to make that back.

Maybe the good thing in my situation is that I fully acknowledge that the chances of me hitting another jackpot like that with a 5$ spin is next to none, and the realization of the low odds are something that I can use to push me away from gambling totally. I’m not even worried about the gambling, I know I can fully stop it, I’m just worried that I can’t mentally never get over this loss at this point.
Maybe this feeling is something that will ease after time passes by, I literally have no other options than to suck it up and wait it to (hopefully) ease.

I heard a good term yesterday on the internet from a former gambler who experienced a similar situation as me. She won probably close to my amount and lost it all the next week. She called her situation a „motivating crisis”. After the loss she totally stopped gambling, turned her life around and is now a tutor in GA meetings, and doing supposedly good in her life.
I want my loss to be a similar positive experience in the long run. My diet has been the first step and I’ve been 100% discipline with myself and already feeling better physically. I also plan on writing a book this year and making some music.

[Jonas87]

Hi folks,

I’m still fighting trough the disappointment of the loss, day by day. It might be getting a little bit easier to accept, even though the grief is still very present.
Gladly in Wednesday is my salary and I’m able to get my financial things back on track. We also get a small bonus from our work and this is good since every extra penny I can get a hold on for now is helping.

As honest as I am, I’ve had few little relapses during these days, but the positive direction is that I’ve managed to gamble less and less every time (and stop without spending it all on gambling). My ultimate goal is to stop it completely , but If I have to gamble I just gamble less and less each time, this seems to work for now.

Hope everyone’s doing better.

[Jonas87]

Hello guys, The loss grief I’ve been battling kind of subsided for the first time in the latter part of last week, and for the first time I mentally was able to accept the loss at some level. The bad news is, because I felt pretty good tonight, I just went on a adrenaline filled gambling spree online and burned a lot of loan money in short time (over 1k). I feel sickening about this and just want to cry. Reading my first post about not being in debt is no longer true, unfortunately and I’ve let myself down on that one. I really need to find some professional help soon in my area, before I completely ruin my life. I’ll probably get back writing here tomorrow or monday when I’m feeling slightly better. Hope everyone else is doing good though.

I’¨ve self excluded myself for every online casino I’ve had an account in, but this is only temporary solution since the internet is full with these sites.

[slapshot16]

Gamban my friend, locks you out of every type of gambling online. If you truly want to stop, check it out. https://www.gamban.com

[Jonny123987]

You are only at the beginning. The question is when will enough be enough for you? For me it took many years. I did what your doing a hundred times… Truthfully do you want to stop gambling?

[Jonas87]

Hello everybody and thanks for replying.

Gladly I haven’t been gambling for 9 days since my last relapse (that I wrote of), which I think is my short-term record. Hopefully the days keep stacking up, I literally have had no urge to gamble since Day 21 whatsoever. I know it is only a matter of time when the urge kicks in though and I have to mentally prepare to counter it.

Financially I have made a plan that’ll get me out of my debt in couple of months, so my finances are looking at least manageable for now.

I have also spent lot of time on making music, which has greatly helped me to change my focus away from gambling. At least for me, focusing on other activities really does help!
I guess most of us gamblers try to subconsciously fill some boredom gap with gambling, so re-focusing your attention to something else (constructive!) that keeps you’r mind busy might be fundamental to recovery.

[arovs9331]

Those are the iconic words of my last (more or less) 6 years since i was 22 and now im 28, and approximately 67k in debt due to online sports gambling..NEVER TRUST THOSE DAMN BOOKIES that pretend to be your friends and listen to your shit and then when you’re feelin soft or tired out, convince you to put $ down on a game – my debt is all credit card / personal loans / to my mom even…. Damn. It’s so insane considering in the past year, ive had two runs … once i made 72k in like 2 weeks in June 2017 , then lost most of it, then again 75k in like 10 days in July 2017, and this is all hard cash. I know baseball, but at EOD, looking back at it, and how many great runs ive had followed by great losses, this is the undeniable truth: no matter how well you know any sport – you could be Serena Williams’ friend, and she wont tell you to bet your hard earned money on her, cuz guess what? Anyone can win on any day, and momentum is not something that is „tangible” so why should you bet something „tangible” on it – unless of course you realize the money in your bank account is just a digital representation as well. It’s sad because I treid so hard – placing 700+ wagers between Feb 1, 2017 and March 19, 2018 – and what did I get? Despite all my hard work and time spent watching games , biting my nails htrough many of them, and laughing / crying even, and I am down 60k+, and htis does not even account for the international fees, bank advance fees at times, etc. It’s crazy! I am definitely a fool , and I realized that last night. I closed my account with BetUS, and told them under no circumstances should you open it until 2019. This gives me itme to recover and focus on my goals in 2018. I realized so what, if I am broke? I make decent money for Silicon Valley to survive and enjoy my life. I’m no longer going to be controlled by this addiction. I highly suggest any of you to reach out to me if you want to talk because I have so much experience dealing iwht the highs and lows of this horrid crack- like addiction. Wish you all a great , gambling-free day!

[Autor]

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