[razzabelle]

Hello All My Beautiful CG’s……From my previous post you all know that I was in Horrific State in Early December.  Well, I stayed away from "the bad place" for a few weeks….by cleaning houses ect….managed to give the family a lovely Christmas.  Was off from work this past week * COMPLETE CHAOS…..had a few extra dollars from my Loving Father….went on sucha binge that not only did I mess up ALL that $$$ but wrote a bad check that I had to sell my Gold Locket (that was precious) to a former family member..begging; shame; repulsion; was at the bank this am covered in the filth of myself; crying; covering the bad check by selling off the LAST really important possession I own.  WHY WHY WHY???  I was doing SO well. Back in the same boat….half a loaf of bread in house; don’t get paid until Friday; 28$ until payday…no gas in car…busing it to work in the snow on Weds……WTH is WRONG with me…..I feel depleted….sick…agony of defeat.  Happy New Year……Typing this out is actually causing strength to flow through my veins.  I will NOT let those legalized thieves take my SOUL.  I CHOSE to go there.  I CHOSE to sit for HOURS spending EVERY PRECIOUS CENT…..I can also choose to "black-list" myself.  Please pray for me.  I will continue to pray for ALL  cg’s.  My Good Lord, what an incredibly, nightmarish,  disease this is….it takes takes takes…until there is NOTHING left to give.  I realize I am rambling.  I Love the non-judgemental support YOU ALL give to each other.  Bless and Keep us all; and may we make 2013 a gamble free year!   My Best xxxxx  Razzabelle  xxxxx You Get What You Give

[kathryn]

Oh Razz,
What a horrific time you are having. 
First, i give you a huge pat on the back (plus a big hug) for coming back and posting.  It is so so easy to never come back and many dont.  It shows your strength and determination in dealing with your addiction. 
So, what can you do now.  Coming here is a great first step.  Im not sure if you have any other barriers in place and i think its important to do it now while you are feeling so low.  A lot of the time we put it off and then we get more money and then the cycle starts again. Putting up those barriers will really protect you when you next get paid. 
Have you got someone to help you, that you can give your keycard, that you can be accountable to, that can be your support?  Family, a friend, partner?  It does mean that you have to share your secret, which is **** scary.  I found that what I imagined in my head was no where near as bad as the reality.
Counselling of course it always helpful.  Learning to identify your triggers, and deal with them in a positive way rather than gambling can be life changing.  There is usually a reason why we gamble, be it boredom , lonliness, anger, desperation.  I was told once that there is a word to think of that can help…..HALT….Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  I know for me it is usually one of those things.  To be able to think things through before just jumping in the car can help. 
Razz, i have been there, i know exactly how you are feeling and im sending you all my good thoughts across the miles.  One thing i did was self exclude, i am in my 3rd year of exclusion and it is a massive barrier for me.  May be worth thinking about.
Please dont beat yourself up too much, look at the positive.  You posted, you are actively looking for help.  We all have to start somewhere.  It took me 15 years to finally put those barriers in place, i did them all and it does work. 
There is always hope, be open to the possibilities .
I am thinking of you today,
Love K ***
To live, that would be a great adventure — Peter Pan— 1/01/2013 3:09:04 AM: post edited by Kathryn.

[sherry123]

These painful trips back to gambling are what reinforces why we need to stop.  Next time you think of gambling re-play in your mind how you feel today.  Then think about how it feels to have groceries, gas and a little extra money.  It’s still a tough choice to make for a cg so that’s why it’s so important to make sure you can’t gamble…like Kathryn said. You’re on your way to a better life.

[chubbycat]

Hi Razzabelle
You are not alone.. thats what i want to say to you.. I think all the advice has been given and i just want to say we are here on this journey with you and we all know how you feel because we have all been there before.. me not so long ago.. you can do it Razzabelle, you can.. hang in there and keep posting and reading. Find what works for you
Chubby

[stupidgirl34]

I am not enabling or condoning what you did but I do wanna tell you it’s ok. No one said this would be easy and the reason you will find support here is because I know exactly how easy it would be for me to make one slip and be exactly where you are and I know how it would make me feel if I did. So big hugs, put on your big girl panties and start again. We didn’t become who we are by going to the casino one time, it was a process, recovery is the same. I too am so proud of you for having to courage to come back here and admit what happened. It shows that you are still fighting! Prayers your way.
I will make this work!

[hetty]

All the others here has basically said it all so I’m just going to leave you a big hug and say that you can do this, you reached out, today is a new day and let’s start again, one day at the time xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[williame]

Read your post and want to comment. First, I want you to realize that you didnt have a HUGE setback, but a short relapse in your addiction. It happens to virtually every CG who decides to abstain from gambling, so dont be so hard on yourself. A huge setback in my eyes would be you started gambling again and it progressively got worse and you suffered thru it for years, or possibly for the rest of your life. Look at the positives, you realize you have a problem, you currently realize that your defenses are very weak against the addiction and that you need help. You can gain online support here, but it seems to me you need more hands on support such as GA or a therapist (I do one on one therapy and it saved my life). You also need to reestablish stronger barriers since your defenses are very weak right now and put your money in control of a loved one or a friend you trust (you should have NO access to money right now). Self ban from all acessable casinos and install software to block all online gaming sites. Once you strengthen your defenses to your gambling addiction, the ability to begin recovery will be easier. Im in New York (not far from you) and know an awesome therapist who specializes in gambling addiction if you want a reference (she does skype sessions online as well as live sessions). She has taught me alot, one of the fundamental lessons Ive learned is not to be so hard on myself and dont set your early goals too high. Take baby steps early that are attainable and build on those. Make today the first day of your "new life" and make some progress today to recovery. Dont let a relapse get you down, they happen. Just brush yourself off, learn from your relapse and set up your barriers to make a future relapse more difficult to occur.

[desdemona]

Dear (((Razzabelle)))! Way to go on coming back and posting about your recovery "detour." Slips can be valuable learning lessons, and the good that came out of this situation is that you are considering blacklisting yourself. It’s a huge barrier and one that I found so helpful. One day at a time you can be gamble free. It’s a new day, new year, so a clean slate for all of us. You need to be kind to yourself today because you deserve it. Progress not perfection! Carole

[razzabelle]

Oh Thank You Everyone of You for Your Replies ***  My Lord; how much BETTER I feel reading them.  As I lay in bed with the "kitties" and my Partner lst night at the stroke of midnight (watching the ball come down); it sounds a little zany, but I had a "moment of clarity"…..I probably would have been at the casino (of course they give massive "free-play" on New Years) by midnight even if I had "won" it would ALL be gone anyway…if not then; in a matter of days…I CANNOT go there responsibly….ANY and ALL $$$ will be USED.  New Years is an excellent time to ‘turn over a new leaf"…..I think of Father who I love and respect SO much; handing over money to me, because he is worried that I don’t have groceries.  I think of taking that money and ripping it up, because that is in an essense what I did with it.  I think of my Beautiful, strong, daughter, who just inspires me SO much.  It is hard on her and my son as well.  They were both out last night; and BOTH called me @ midnight just to say; "Mommy, we Love You"….Honestly friends, my addiction has been tough on them.  They HATE the casino….I am healthy; I am strong; ….I CAN CHOOSE LIFE!  A little about my parner, he is just as bad as me.  I haven’t touched on this, because while a "good man" we do enable each other.  His friend Rob is actually picking him up in a few minutes (because we don’t have gas) and he is going to casino to do "Free Play"…..he said "come with us"  I CHOOSE NOT TO.  It’s ok, because we are ADULTS and we ALL have choices in life.  Today, the thought of the casino is repugnant to me.  I don’t know.  Maybe because Bobby (my partner) doesn’t have the relationship to his own kids or parents that I do?  Does it sound silly to you all?  I mean I think of my Father’s eyes and how disappointed he would be if he knew I spent that money at casino….(he has his own issues with my Mom being a cg)….I think of the kids; and their beautiful green eyes filling with tears because Mommy was  "bad" again….I even think of the kitties having to eat ****** food, and not being able to see their Vet, bacause of my addiction.  These thoughts bring vomit up to my throat.  Everyone, if I selfexclude, it will bring the end to my relationship to Bobby.  He is not ready.  It is something I need to address.  No sugar-coating.  This is REAL LIFE.  Oh my Gosh; THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING….THANK YOU FROM MY HEART….I LOVE YOU ALL….I mean it….this place is a life preserver in a wild sea…..Much Love….Razz   ***You Get What You Give

[hetty]

Ohh Razz what a hard place to be in, well done for not going last night. Guess you got a choice to make yourself and your recovery or your partner :/
I do not envy you for being in that position. Sends you lots of prayers filled with courage and hope, let’s do this together one day at the time.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[razzabelle]

Thank You Hetty!  It is SO IMPORTANT to me that You and Others Understand the anguish we CG’s live with….As I have stated before I don’t ever think of it as "Misery loves company"….No, it is more like a circle of people around the planet, holding each others hands; understanding each other, keeping each other afloat in that "stormy sea"…..Blessings and Love to You & Yours Today xxxYou Get What You Give

[hetty]

Hey Razz, just checking in to see how your going, thinking of you xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[razzabelle]

Hi Hetty:) TY SO Much for thinking of me.  I have been busy days at work and actually went over an elderly neighbors tonight to help him take down his Holiday decorations in this FREEZING COLD we are having in PA.  GREAT for me!  He gave me 50$ then I stopped at Mama’s house and she slipped me a twenty.  70$ normally this girl would go straight to the devils den.  Guess what?  I got GAS in the car:) bought GOOD cat food, and some nice, normal, groceries:)))) After I get paid tomorrow, with all my "finagaling" I will be able to pay my mortgage.  That will leave me about 50$ to live on until I clean houses again, but I WILL NOT GAMBLE !!!!!  CG;s are SO obsessed with money aren’t we?  I think it’s because we are ALWAYS short of it.  My Boss hasn’t been in after Holiday; but I can’t wait to ask his help with the blacklist.  My CG partner Bobby has the flu.  He DOES NOT want to blacklist himself.  I am going to be doing much soul searching this weekend.  I have avoided the online slots (even though I only play with fun money) because I think they are triggers.  But I do play games (not betting games) on FB,,,,as a CG, do you think these games are ok?  There isn’t $$$ involved, just skill.  Also, HOW ARE YOU????  I feel very happy @ gambling therapy to have the opportunity to share with beautiful friends as yourself!  I hope you too are gamble free this day….*****…..Love, Razz You Get What You Give

[stupidgirl34]

I hope the FB games are ok, lol. I play words and scramble with friends. I also play a lot of solitare. Congratulations on not gambling the $70, I know that feeling. Each small step is a victory!
I will make this work!

[paul315]

Originally posted by razzabelle
 
… I was doing SO well … 

Good morning Razzabelle, my name is Larry and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was October 17, until then I was doing SO well for over 3 years.  But in reading your story and seeing you too coming back after another outing to gamble, I see that we are still doing well, maybe without the SO, but doing Well just the same; recovery is a progressive process and you are moving forward — it make little differen in the difference that we have is our time in recovery, it is a ODAAT process for each and every one of us.
Keeping the progress on going takes actions on our part. You still get the promotional offers that temp you to gamble, a positive action for you could be following through with choosing to do what you know will help you; following through with the self-banning, or "black-listing" yourself, will stop the mailings and give you a serious reason to resist any of the bell that are calling you to gamble.  You know that you are the one that is making the choices to gamble loosing everything, and know that you are the one responsible for making that choice, so self-banning will be a good tool for you to use to give you time to think rationally; time to realize that the ******* casinos are not an option for you. One of the earlier members, stephen,  that helped me do SO well, and whose past input still helps me to continue to progress, once posted:
"Fortunately, I have been very strong in recovery for a number of years now. But the addiction is there trying to fool us when we become strong in recovery, sometimes tugging at us like saying, "Go ahead Steve, you can spend a few dollars on that lottery ticket, it’s only a few bucks, it’s chicken feed money is all, you won’t even miss that little money, and who knows you could become a millionaire"…..and that’s when I say "FU" to the addiction…because I know where that type of behavior would lead to…and I’m not going back there.
To those out there struggling which used to be me, the addiction would say, "Come on Steve, sure you’re broke and in debt, and sure you’ve lost countless amounts of money over the years from gambling, but at this point ya might as well take what little money ya got, and buy those lottery tickets or try other gambling games because that gambling hot streak, that big gambling jackpot hit, could be right around the corner, could even be the next bet makes ya rich."
It’s a tough addiction, but the solution to a gambling problem is never more gambling…the solution to a gambling problem is to stop gambling and stay in recovery…otherwise…the problem only gets worse".
It helps to read the post of others, even  earlier ones like stephen that were here before us, their struggles, and success, gives us another look at this problem that we seem to partially cover up in our own lives; but even then we have to accept that it is us that we are reading about, that in the feeling we get here of not being alone we also need to involve ourselves in what is helping others, and separate ourselves form the things that do not work. 
Hopefully I am not sounding hypocritical in that I too recently gamble and failed to do what I knew was best and am recommending here, but this addiction is an overpowering disease that causes us to do the unthinkable when circumstances are right, and  we find ourselves unguarded, or are feeling too SO well that we think that we are immune to that addictive power and the compulsive gambling that comes after any next bet. "Don’t make the next bet and you will not have to worry about the second and other ones".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep your guard up. Keep active and involved. 
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's — God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[razzabelle]

Thank you for the words and thought provoking post Larry:)  You are SO correct on so many levels….this is a horrific progrssive disease.  Yada Yada Me:)  I am feeling sad because I like going to gamble on Friday night, and since my last "Horror" I got paid today.  I had LOTS of cash in my hands, and was SO tempted to get a :headache and drive to racino and try my luck.  Instead I walked over to BOA and paid my mortgage.  Because our payroll dept messed up our deductions, my check was actually short 28 dollars.  Bottom line….I left myself 12 dollars for the weekend.  Drove home, and did laundry.  Now like our other CG, SG I am home broke, with 4 cigarettes, and just feeling Blah.  I am or try to be a normally positive person, but tonight I just feel "YucK"….so to let you know Larry, your reply did give me some "food for thought"  I really NEED to get on the blacklist and try to organize whatever is in my head that is stopping me.  I can blame my partner (who refuses to blacklist) but that is unfair & untrue.  This is MY addiction.  I have to CHOOSE LIFE….I am going to read more forum posts…..***  Razz  You Get What You Give

[desdemona]

Dear Razzabelle! Congratulations on paying your mortgage instead of going to the venue and probably losing the money you have probably worked hard for. I’m sure that feels a lot better than driving home from the racino broke, even though you say you feel Yucky tonight! You say that your partner is unwilling to self-exclude himself, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. Once he sees you, over time, being successful in your recovery, he may want to try recovery himself. As mothers when we know better, we do better for our children and ourselves. We’ll never regret recovery, but we will regret having our gambling affect our children’s lives. You and your children deserve your recovery. Carole    

[hetty]

Good for you razz to find the courage to face what is your truth. Regarding games, I see them as good past time fun, I however choose games none relating to slots and money, unless I’m playing board games.
Sends you a huge hug, hang in there sister, you can do this xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[paul315]

Originally posted by razzabelle

Thank you for the words and thought provoking post …

Good morning Razz,
Your post has given me "food for thought" too, thanks for your thought provoking post. This morning, about two and half months after my "crash" I am looking at a minus balance of a couple hundred dollars for this months budget. I will have a few small checks coming in from my part time job to cover it in time to pay upcoming bills, but this does not change the fact that the consequences of my gambling in October are carried forward to today, and will follow me for at least a year. It was "fun" and "enjoyable" at the time, and even somewhat "therapeutic", and conversely it did cause me to feel "yucky" afterwards, if by that you mean remorseful, guilty, and at a loss of self-esteem.  BUT, that short lived "good" time was not worth it, the events that I was trying to escape and not face still exist. And "surprisingly" enough they did not destroy me or cause unmanageable hurt like gambling did. On a brighter side, but for from justifying, the lingering "yucky" feelings have diminished and has strengthened my resolve to continue on my journey to live gambling free.
But the real reason that I am posting to your post and am writing this is to build the courage to do what I now have to do as a result of gambling again; something that is extremely hard and carries much more regret and deeper feelings than "yuck" than having to juggle finances to pay a few bills and have a little "food for nourishment".  This month I do not have any money to send to my daughter and now have to tell her and her mother that I gambled again after three and a half years of being gambling free.  I could *** to them but that would not help me any, it would only give a false and selfish instance of saving face, something that always backfires later on and adds to any mistrust that might exist. 
I find that posting such thoughts to others is better for me than to post all on my own threads, so thanks for the opportunity and use of yours.  Journaling and sharing problems is good for us no matter what venue we use, but my choosing one different than my own I know is another trait that I need to look into; hopefully it is more to benefit from third party "therapy" than some type of denial or facing the truth head on.  I know that you are new here, and that some of my older friends here could be a more understanding listener, but your post was the one that opened my eyes and causing me to take actions that i need to follow through; again thanks.
Back to a more related reply to your post, you are right, this is your addiction and you need to do what is right and good for you — in the long run it will also be more beneficial to any relationship that you are in. If your partner still gambles the best that you can do is to separate yourself from all that they do in relation to gambling. There are surely other things that you do as "individuals" so this is not a sign of loss of interest in them; this may be a little harder, but that may be because it is still one of somthing that you want to do than something that they want you to do — hopefully you are not being wrongly coerced or pressured into joining them that is. A relationship or friendship built of true love or caring, and not just for support of some codependency, will not cause you to act in harmful ways.  I know that this is not always the case, but it is something that ***** to be considered.  I am truly fortunate and grateful that my loved ones and friends recognize my problem and the harm that they might cause if they attempt to encourage me to join in on any of their, occasional "normal" gambling (I do miss our past trips to Vega some, but back then they were fun trips to enjoy more than the gambling, and not ones to feed my addiction) — and I practice the same understanding with a friend that is AA, we separate any of my outings for a "night on the town" from any ***** of just meeting or dining out.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and sharing, "a problem shared is a problem halved"LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's — God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[razzabelle]

Oh Larry, Hetty, Carole, EVERYONE!  I WANT TO LIVE!!!  I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!  I am crying as I type….Gosh, this disease is EMOTIONAL….Thanking Good Lord that I found alll of the incredibly, strong, supportive fellow CG’s ….WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE!  WE HAVE A DISEASE…..I woke up this morning feeling the familiar sickness of despair that comes with KNOWING you don’t have available funds for basic ***** (toilet paper out) and my partner (Bobby) has the flu, he took the last roll and was blowing his nose…needless to say I pointed out that I would not be able to do a Wal-Mart run for a long time so please be prudent with the remaining tp, cause I am going to have to borrow some from my sister.  This stupid remark escalated into a huge fight that resulted in ME: crying….Him:  Leaving with his friend Rob to go use his "free play" and saying "F U I am NOT coming back"……Result of this:  I am on the fence…Oh Lord, I am NOT even sure if I love this man any longer…..Too much enabling each others CG…Friends, I also suspect he is doing illegal *****….OK ….I said it, and my Mama always says, "If it smells like a rat…."; well you know the rest of that old line….I need to breathe….OK my Mortgage is PAID….Car & cable & Power Co……NOT.. PAID.  NO $$$.  OK…Bobby owes me 265$ right now….if he REALLY IS GONE; I KNOW I will not get this.  I have 200 coming in on Friday…that will cover the cable….Focus POSITIVE…there is food here; the kids are good; their father has them this weekend; they do not care for Bobby and will be very happy if they return tomorrow and he has left.  OK: I can hold off PP&L (power co) for a bit….Bad…my car.  I am only 5 days late but honestly can’t let it get out of hand…..OH Goodness; when I was a little girl without a care in the world, I never dreamed that my life would be such a mess…did any of us?  Oh Larry, when you mentioned not being able to send your daughter some money this month, well, that just tore me up.  I NEVER have money for my daughter….it wasn’;t always that way….I have given up SO many important parts of my life to enable my compulsive gambling.  Yet, friends, because of this safe haven, I NO LONGER WANT TO DIE!  Inspiration:  I owe about 6 thousand dollars on my car, and the KBB value is double that.  Even if I can sell it for 10….shouldn’t I be able to get a decent pre owned NON-FINANCED back & forth to grocery store, work, vehicle for 4 thousand dollars?  Inspired, I will sign off and google like crazy.   I LOVE & VALUE you people *****  Let us make today a GAMBLE FREE day ***** Razz You Get What You Give

[maverick.]

Hi Razzabelle, Just wanted to wish you well and to say keep doing what works for you, we are all different and what works for one will not for another so do what works for you and when you find what that is hold on tight to it and work it everyday, take care love Maverick.

[razzabelle]

Thank You Maverick!  I wish a LOVELY GAMBLE FREE DAY to YOU; Friend! *** RazzYou Get What You Give

[hetty]

One of these days you will be ready for the next step in your recovery, think you already know what you need to do its just a matter of facing the changes. Sends you lots of hugs and healing prayersYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[sherry123]

Hi Razz, I just read what you posted about never walking out a winner.  Like you, I’ve hit some big wins but it only bought me more gambling time.  It’s crazy to hit $700, enjoy the machine sounds, have everyone looking to see what you hit, cash out so you don’t spend it all and take twenty after twenty after twenty out of your purse to keep playing until there is no money left. Yep, I always walked out a loser.  I would never be that careless with money anywhere but a casino. Razz, next time you think of gambling know that once you place that first bet…no win will be enough, no small jackpot will make you feel satisfied and there is no walking out a winner.  Keep your money for you and your kids…then you’ll be a winner. 

[razzabelle]

RIGHT ON SHERRY! ??  I just posted on RG’s topic that I have felt like I was going INSANE during the Blackest days of my addiction.  I would hold in my need to "pee" for HOURS, I had a nagging, pain in my wrist.  My weight was down to 119 (BELIEVE me at 5"8 NOT A PRETTY SIGHT) YIKES….just typing once more makes the thought of gambling choke me.  Funny though while I am living like a "bum" right now, I am not too unhappy tonight….I still haven’t got my car payment straightened out, but it’s like I care but I don’t?  I also do NOT want to blame the "racino" for any of this….I blame MYSELF…I need to keep busy (like on here:) and FOCUS on My RECOVERY>  Positives:  Food in the fridge, cats happy, warm house, NO GAMBLING TODAY!  Thank You Sherry, for caring!  *** Razz ***  You Get What You Give

[sherry123]

I know a lot of people say to don’t blame the casino but it’s the greedy casino who use the best technology and gimmicks to entice us and addict us. They want to get us hooked and get our money. We are victims…but there comes a time when we realize the damage gambling is causing in our lives and we have the choice to try to break their hold.  It’s so tough at first.  That’s why it’s important for the road blocks so we can’t cause too much financial damage.  In the early days, the need or desire to gamble is so strong that we do what we can just to gamble…again that’s why it’s important to make sure we CAN"T gamble. My heart broke for you when I read your post on Running Girls thread.  I have some shameful gambling moments too…but that’s all behind us today.  You have food, warmth and security. You are a winner.
 

[sherry123]

Razz, I didn’t get to finish my post and it sent!  My nagging pain was in my neck and shoulder.  I went to the chiropractor (also a compulsive gambler) and he should me how to sit at the slot machine.  Of course, when I’m in action, I don’t care how I am sitting I just want to keep hitting the spin button (sounds crazy!).  I also wanted to say about the shame of gambling…I used to hate Mondays and going to work while everyone was talking about their weekends and I was ashamed to say my weekend was spent in the casino.  Beautiful sunny days wasted in the dark dingy smokey den of gloom.  Then I’d have to face my checking account because sometimes I lost track of what I lost and have to juggle money to avoid a possible overdraft.  I thank God that I haven’t had days like that for many years but I still cringe and get a knotted feeling in my stomach when I do think about it. Razz, a life without gambling is worth giving it all you have!  I know I’m rambling so I’ll just hit ‘send’.

[icandothis]

Hi Razz, I just finished a great book called "Tattoos on the Heart…The Power of Boundless Compassion"  To quote the author.."Guilt is feeling bad about one’s actions, but shame is feeling bad about oneself."   This quote really hit me.  I have no answers, but I know I must continue to work on changing my actions.  As I begin to change my actions, I begin to feel better about myself.  But then, as we all know, sometimes our actions fall short.  That is where that power of boundless compassion comes in.  We should have this compassion for ourselves, but we don’t.  At least I don’t.  I believe it is hard for me because right now the shame has permeated every fiber of my being.    I may feel embarassed, weak, and worthless, but I continue to come here to this site because I need the compassion from others that I cannot give myself.  I hope you will continue to do the same and stick with us no matter what. 
The author talked of a compassion that stands by each other for what we have to carry rather than judging each other for how we carry it.  You will find that here. Today is the first day of my spiritual journey!

[razzabelle]

***** Sherry & Ican!  Weds. evening here; just enjoyed good meal and some facebook time.  Trying to keep busy until bedtime for Weds. evening was always my "spin to win" the magical horror of "free play" night.  Why is it that we CG’s suffer from SUCH low self-esteem?  I have a few basic theories, one being that even if we have a "hit" of course we DO NOT leave the casino (like a normal person) instead like Sherry said, "even with her purse full of twenties, they continually fed into the mouth of the beasts, until they were gone" (this is my own "play" on Sherry’s word:))….Now, we are broke ie: OUT OF MONEY.  Money, pays bills, allows us to live, food, live life, transportation.  Think about it, we spend money every day JUST TO LIVE.  Now, the money is GONE.  Oh boy, compound the feelings of letting down people we care for with our shame, anger at ourselves, ect..ect….Gosh people, it is a wonder we have ANY self-esteem at all.  Interesting enough, I consider myself a "sensitive" very in tune with the feelings of others in my sphere.  For the past year or so, I had very bad vibes at the "racino"…I mean that…an undercurrent of nervous, kinetic, energy spilling onto the floor, enveloping the "players" especially we CG’s in its ironclad, unrelenting grip.  I see false shrugs and forced smiles…if I was floating above the place on lovely clean air, I KNOW my heart would break …..for the casino/racino whatever you call it, is NOT a happy place.  I have NOT gambled today <3 I hope my fellow CG’s are enjoying peace and clarity today.  I will close now…..goodnight friends! *** Razz ***      You Get What You Give

[neva]

Hey Razz, how are you doing?  I haven’t seen a post from you for awhile.  I was thinking of your post about the lady that embezzled $115,000 because a 65 year old man embezzled $2 million from a government agency and spent it on ******* and gambling.  The article said he had a hundred dollar a day **** habit so that means he must have had thousands of dollar a day gambling habit.  Just goes to show that unlimited money still doesn’t get you ahead in gambling. I also thought he must have a strong heart to be 65 years old and doing that much *******!  It made me think of all the ***** I wish I had more money to gamble but I know all the money in the world wouldn’t change the fact that we always end up broke.  Hope you are having a great gamble-free weekend.

[icandothis]

Hi Razzabelle,  Neva and I must be on the same wavelength.  I was thinking of you today also, as I hadn’t seen a recent post from you.  I hope everything is ok.  I also have thought a lot about that woman you wrote about.  I thought about some goals I set a few years ago.  We were supposed to quickly write, no matter how outlandish, things we wished for.  I wrote that I wanted to have lots and lots of money so that I could gamble and it wouldn’t be a big deal.  Neva, is right.  There isn’t enough money in the world to support this habit.  I still wish for lots and lots of money! lol  But, now, I do not want to gamble with it.  There are so many other worthwhile things to do with our money, no matter how much or how little we have.  Hope to see you posting soon.  Take care. 

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