Thanks again Mr Exon, You said many nice things in your post to me, and it’s very much appreciated.

I am fully recovered from my coma now, it happened in October 2015. I woke up one day with crippling pains in my stomach which turned out to be appendicitis. To cut a long story short my heart stopped as a reaction to the anesthetic and after 7 attempts they couldn’t revive me, it stopped for 44 minute. Obviously they got it started again on the eighth and final attempt but had to put me in an induced coma where I was for 9 days. At one time I was given less than a 10% chance of survival. My whole world was turned upside down after that. I had been in a relatively good place and had a lovely flat, and a secure job, with a great wage, albeit heavy work. Because my family had been informed that I probably wouldn’t make it, or if I did the chances were I’d have a very long recovery and may even be brain damaged, they decided the best thing to do would be give my landlord my notice and move all my belongings the family home 300 miles away.

I made what they described as a miraculous recovery, and am now back to normal. Well my state of normal. It’s been very hard getting established again. I had to have 5 months off from my normal job. And when I went back I had a few problems with them which resulted in me losing my contract (am self-employed), As a result I have a claim against them, it’s not straight forward but because of sub judice laws I can’t post in any great detail. Suffice to say I won an application hearing in February, when they had applied to have my case struck out, or for it to be heard as a summary judgement (without a trial), the judge dismissed their applications and said they couldn’t appeal that decision. However they have since applied to the central courts to apply for permission to appeal so it is still dragging on.

During the 5 months off from that job though, I took on a lighter job part time for a small agency. I am now full time in the same job, I can start a full time permanent contract at any time, it should have been this month, but I’ve been able to postpone the start thankfully because before I make the transgression from self-employed to PAYE I have to get my accounts in order, and sort things out with the tax man. As you can no doubt imagine, being a CG my income tax and NI not to mention corporation tax (I’m a limited company), hasn’t been the first thing I paid every month, I owe them a lot of money and need to get some sort of arrangement in place with them.
Right that’s a very short potted history of the last couple of years for me.

You ask if I can give you any tips before going to GMA. I would just say this, listen to the staff first and foremost. They might suggest things that make no sense to you and seem completely irrelevant. They all want to help you, and they know what they’re doing. You will make new friends in there with other CG’s but don’t get involved with anything that’s even just bending the rules a little, don’t succumb to peer pressure. Remember you are there to change your life. If you have any problems with anything when you’re there talk to your case worker don’t let anything distract you from why you are there.

You’ve already stolen off your folks, believe me Mr E, that’s where I started, I’ve been to prison 5 times mate, don’t forget gambling made you a thief, if you let it it can and probably would make you a bigger one.

Don’t let the guilt of what you’ve done bog you down, you’ve stolen off your parents, the biggest pay back you can give them is to stop off the gambling. I’m not kidding you it’s taken me years and years to accept all that I have done and dwelling on my past misdemeanours has done nothing other than eventually take me back to gambling.

In short go into GMA with as clear a head as possible, by remaining gambling free until you get there you will have a great chance of this.

The question I’ve pondered more than any over the last few weeks mate is “what would I say to myself 7 years ago” Brilliant question. Whether I would have listened then I don’t know mind. It’s very hard to learn from other people’s mistakes, it is true we all learn from our own mistakes…eventually. Prior to leaving GMA you are asked what action you would take in different situations the answer to nearly everything is “talk to someone” the vast majority don’t carry this on, (in my experience, from talking to ex residents). Talking, Mr Exon, I think is the key to it all, to be honest. There is lots to embrace, yes you need great dosses of self-honesty, the ability to accept what you have done, and accept above all else that you are a compulsive gambler. By accepting you are a CG and accepting that you are powerless against it, (you are it’s made you a thief and a liar), it should never be a cop-out if you ever gamble again. “I couldn’t help it, I’m a compulsive gambler”. Of course there is no reason why you should ever gamble again, but if you did for whatever reason instead of using being a CG as an excuse I think it’s more practical, (and more honest), to say “Because I’m a compulsive gambler, I should know better, I shouldn’t have gambled”.

I think all I would say to the former me, is much the same as what I say/think to myself these days. Don’t get complacent, don’t try and go it alone, use support and keep talking. Talking mate is the key.

You ask how I avoid urges, simple. I don’t let my head get clouded by problems, little niggly things even, I talk about it I don’t go to sleep with things on my mind. The more my head gets full of stupid little things there’s less room to think straight. Gambling, I think, is a consequence of us not dealing with life’s issues correctly or being unable to. It’s amazing what you can achieve with a clear head.

One final thing. You say in your post, “Looking up to someone like you makes life easier for me – it makes things seems possible”. I get where you’re coming from and if I or anybody else can give you inspiration that’s great, there are plenty that inspire me. But at the end of the day it’s important to remember that for each and every one of us recovery is a very personal journey, and our own journeys is where our focus should lie. Plus, (and I hope it never happens and there is no reason that it should), if I ever went gambling again (the thought makes me sick) it might send out the wrong signal to you. In my opinion no CG is ever infallible but we all have the ability not to gamble, just for a day. That’s all it takes.

It has happened on this forum many times, someone who is strong in recovery cocks up, and lo and behold within a week or two many more have followed suit, as if it’s ok to do so. Like it’s acceptable, because the strong one done it.

I know it’s a bit jumbled Mr Exon, sorry about that. Maybe you might start using this as your own thread now. However you may be in a better state of mind to start your own thread once you’ve been through GMA.

Take care. All the best.

Geordie.