I have just relapsed the day after I have banned myself
Chasing my loss at the other casino in my city. Lost 2000
In an hour and walked out of there feeling numb. Officially now have 0$ to my name. Really in a bad place now have no
Motivation to go to school , or workout, feel like I don’t have anything to say to anyone when they ask how I am doing. My life has been turned upside down in the past month with this addiction. I now gambled on my line of credit today. I hope I can fight this before it’s too late.

I hear you completely dignetas80. I am going to self ban from the only other casino here right now. My best friend is taking me. I told him I Am going back in the morning to try to win back my losses and he offered to drive me to self ban. I need to do this for my sanity, I am self destructing and am so depressed from what I’ve done. I can’t even try to talk to women now because I have no money to take them on a date. Can’t enjoy fun times with friends or go out because I’ve blown through so much savings due to my illness. My addiction beat me. It took over my life. I really hope this is the
End of the battle. I can’t live a life like this of self hatred. I’ve lost my divinity , my sense of life, my happiness, the value of a dollar. Thanks for listening to my story ahd I hope someone reading this can overcome their addiction because its too late.

Before it’s too late *

Thanks man I have just banned myself from all casinos in Ontario indefinitely for life. I can apply to be unbanned afternoon one year but hopefully never have to come to that. I really feel like I can get my mental health back
Now as painful as this last month has been with the sickening swings . I know if I continued I would have probably maxed out my line of credit and credit card because I’m a full time student and only working part time. Everything I lost was savings I have worked so hard for since I was young. All gone now. I’m happy that I have no debt at least and I stopped it before it got to that point. I feel for you bro. I have ran it up to 15-20k with my last 500$ with magical
Shoes.. leave there feeling like a king.. just to give it all back Days later. I realize.. the more we win, the more money we have to gamble.. and more time we spend gambling.. like zombies .. numb. I am happy I did this and I appreciate your support. Hang in there man. I hope it gets better for both of us .

thanks for reaching out bro I appreciate it . We all have the same mentiality we think of those magical shoes where we get so many blackjacks, all our doubles and splits work for us and so we think it’ll be like that again. Trust me this weekend when I lost over 10k I was never up once, not even incense did i have a a good shoe. It’s  a sign I had to stop this for good. I hope I can  over this loss and look back at it as a memory later on in life. I hope we both can beat this man. I really do. WE need to get out lives back.

I am really struggling today with this it’s eating my alive I don’t
Know why it’s exam week and I can’t focus in my studies at all I just keep thinking how did I allow myself to lose everything again.

Found out today a surgery I thought was going to be
Covered under ohip and now had to put 4000$ on my credit card to pay for it. Really keep getting hit this week.
Never thought of things I could do with the money I have just lost. That Money could have really come in hand right now. We never realize it until it’s gone and we need it for something important . I was so tempted today after I got this news to get a prepaid credit card for 500 and play online blackjack. I never played online before.. I know this is a terrible idea. I didn’t do it.

Thanks for your reply . It’s been a tough three days. I think it comes in waves. When I keep hearing classmates talk about their upcoming travels for winter break or what they have bought with their savings. I love to travel and always have . I was planning a trip for my upcoming birthday in December but now it has been cancelled because of my gambling addiction leaving me in debt. I am trying to be greatful for the small things like my
Family, my health, and couple close friends. I know I will make the money back but I keep beating myself up for the fact that’s I got all of it back and then lost it all again in a matter of a couple hours. I don’t know why it keeps replaying in my head like a true gambler keep asking myself why didn’t you take your advice of having better bankroll management why didn’t you walk when up why couldn’t
You have switched tables when th shoe was cold like you always have before. Why why why. I need to accept the money is gone and that this is 3 days gamble free. It’s been tough with exam week and I’m trying to focus on the important
Things and tell myself it’s just money . I will earn it again the hard way… thanks for the support guys I truly have the urge to gamble but banning myself was the first step and I hope I will get over my losses from the weekend.

thanks a bunch I appreciate it . I know as the days go on I will get in a better state of mind. It’s just tough right now. Had to get my old job back and will take me half a year just to make

back what i lost in 2 days. It just sickens me how I lost the value of a dollar and how hard it is to earn. I know it is an illness and I start counselling next week. Just keep having the urge to chase my loss. Sucks

i appreciate the kind words marke. I feel the same way. I actually felt so great last week when I broke even finally after 60 days.. reset, don’t be stupid this time, within half hour I’m playing high limits with 500-1000 per hand it’s like i never listen to my own advice. The addiction takes over.. been a hard week but I’m almost 1 week gamble free. I just keep telling myself why I couldn’t have just stopped when I got even.. because it’s never Enough.. its just hard now being in debt because of this. But glad I am learning this at 28. I know in a year I will look back at This as an expensive mistake and hopefully be gamble free still. I guess more so the money lost is my self respect and sense of well being, I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two months, but I know time heals all. “This too shall pass”.i liked your analogy of the rock climb . I will join you on the second route . can never lose money by working hard and slowly gaining … I refuse to have my life be consumed by these demons. I will beat this one day at a time, save dollar after dollar through hard work and slowly get my mental health and life back. 

Don’t know why today can’t stop thinking of my losses
I want to gamble so bad it’s killing me
I am trying to be strong I know the magnitudes of my losses are small compared to some but being broke is
A very tough feeling knowing
I am now in debt I guess it’s iust bothering me so bad
That’s I won it all back and lose
It all again I’m hating myself for this why couldn’t I just stop and have some savings I guess cuz it’s never enough
I got greedy and I have to move on.. everyday is a battle for me

hello things are ok thanks for asking. I haven’t gambled since November 20. I actually snuck back into the casino and won all of my money back that I lost in the past 2 months, I left. I went back this previous Thursday like a true gambler saying ok I am back even agaib (for this recent binge) I’ll never be even from the 50-70k I’ve lost in my 10 year addiction. When I snuck back in again this Thursday before I can place my first bet of blackjack , two security gurds approach me and ask if I am banned, I tried to lie and say no but then I cracked and admitted I am banned. They re took pictures of me once again. Now I cannot go back, the security guard made a joke at me saying at least I am leaving with money for once. I am very greatful to have won my money back that I recently lost, after winning and losing it several times, I’ve realized I’m not happier than when I didn’t have it, that’s what makes me realize I wasnt even addicted to the money, more the rush of gamblinG. I have now enrolled in counselling and feel a bit more secure with a little savings in my bank account. I hope everyone has the courage to stop this disease, you see even after I broke even again, I went back thinking I can win more, I am happy they kicked me out this time, or the cycle would viciously continue. now I have not gambled since the 20. And Day by day I slowly lose the urge. happy holidays to all, thanks for checking in. God bless

Hey guys, haven’t posted in a month or so. Things are great now. I am
Working part time again, just finished my second last
Semester of school, and most importantly haven’t gambled
In 40 days. Gosh it seems like
It was so bad that I never thought I could stop. There is
Hope guys. I have no urge anymore, I stay busy with work and school, and am in the gym again 6 days a week. I know as a cg the. Addiction will be there for life as I have stopped for years before and relapsed again multiple times, but this is the longest I’ve been since my recent binge. Happy Holodaus to all you . Keep on keeping on and fighting the good fight

I relapsed last night. Everyone was going to the casino
For New Year’s Eve and I joined thinking I could control
Myself and not gamble. I ended up drinking and losing just over 3k. I feel like garbage today. I do not miss this feeling at all. So ashamed of myself for putting myself back in this situation.

Thanks for the kind words guys. I’ve lost soooo much
More than that amount before in less time. And it didn’t hurt me the way this loss did, maybe because when I was gambling everyday , I was numb to the wins and losses, now after taking a month off, it stings so much more. ??

Thanks for the kind words guys. I’ve lost soooo much
More than that amount before in less time. And it didn’t hurt me the way this loss did, maybe because when I was gambling everyday , I was numb to the wins and losses, now after taking a month off, it stings so much more. ??

I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I kept replaying
My night of my relapse over and over. And like a true gambler
I kept saying , “if I had put 50$ on that side bet I would have won 50k” like a true Cg it’s like saying if I had picked the right lottery ticket at the right gas station I would be a millionaire. I’m happy that I relapsed in a sense I know I have not hreaten this addiction and it makes me really not want to place a bet or step foot near a casino again. I am working again now so I will be able to make the money back in a month or so, so sad thinking that is money I lost within minutes will take me months to make back. I cannot wait to go 12 months gamble feee, I have done it before and I will do it again. I love a life without any gambling. Gambling has ruined my mental health and I will beat this demon one day. I am in control of the wheel called life. Good luck to all and a happy new year. A happy gamble free new year. Let’s all crush this !

thanks steev that is a great analogy for sure I am day 3 today after my relapse I feel better as days go on but still

mad I let it happen. I beat myself up a lot. I know I can’t step foot near a casino because I have no control when alcohol is in the mix as well. 

Day 5 gamble free. I WILL GO 2019 GAMBLE FREE 365 DAYS.
A gamble free life is a happy life. Gambling is a disease and we will all beat it one day because our minds are stronger than the flip of a card/ spin of a wheel/ whatever your poison is. I tell myself this loss was small compared to some of my previous binges, but hurt the most due to being g free for over 40 days. I cannot wait to tell all of you in 2020 how I have gone 365 days gamble free, and how much $ I have managed to save in 12 months, and how much my mental health has changed. I am saying this because I am putting it out to the universe . I WILL NOT GAMBLE THIS YEAR. God bless you all.

Day 10 gamble free. Looking at the positives, my heath is good, my family, my education, my job, food to eat, a home to live In. Have to stay busy and focus on being greatful. Do not miss gambling for one second. I guess what makes me the most upset is the day I relapsed I didn’t even have the urge to gamble, I just went with my friends for New Years to party, I realize you cannot put a cg In a casino when he’s drunk, his addiction will always take over. God bless all of you

It’s so true, without our Heath, what do we have, I’ll never forget I was sick for 8 weeks, and it was during my 40 days gamble binge, I went for blood work and labs, and I got a call
In from the doctor saying I need to come in ASAP. I was worried for my life, thought I was dying. The night before I had lost 8k in about an hour gambling, and when I got that phone call, the money meant nothing anymore, luckily I was fine but it just goes to show money is minimal in this world without our health. I pray for your friend and I pray we beat his disease , one day at a time. All the best for the New Years. Keep in touch !

I was over at a Friends place last night and her roommate and her friend were going to the casino . He was telling me stories of hitting big and oh man was it tough for me to hear, I really want to go gamble today .. the urges are really strong today. I know I can’t do this to myself ??

Thanks for the support guys it truly means more than you know. This is such a battle
Of the mind, from all the times I came home after a big win, rethinking I can go do it again:( . Staying busy today and positive , I am in control of this addiction. I appreciate you all here, thank you .

Day 15 gamble free. Had a close call last night and almost drove to the casino cuz I was close by and I was going to try to sneak in(have a self ban) immediately thought of that feeling of walking out of there after losing 3 months of hard work ina less than an hour. Felt sick and turned around. Not worth it. I can, I will. This is my motto to quit gambling. I CAN . I WILL!!

thanks Jen!! Ive lost far too much financially, mentally, and time of my life to keep this addiction going. And I’m only 29. It’s time to put this to rest once and for all!!

lets do this!! And before we both know, there will be another 0 added to that number ! Instead of another few 0’s added to the amount of money we have lost if we continue gambling ??

I’m day 31 gamble free today. Let me tell
You it hasn’t been easy. I had a dream I gambled
Last night and I woke up with a strong urge.
I drove near the casino and even though I was banned
I thought of a way I could disguise and sneak in.
I turned around. I don’t want to feel the Pain of losing
Hard earned money, I never want to feel that pain again.
I guess finances aren’t the greatest right now and I think
Of those times I ran the chips up to 20 thousand bucks ina. Couple of hours. I reminisce on those days, but know it was not real because I lost it all. I will always be a gambler till the day I die, I want to keep going strong, new month and will continue my streak, here’s to a better gamble free life. Day 32. Cheers

hows the gamble free streak going? Hope all is well.

Hey guys. Been a bit. I haven’t gambled since December 31,2018. That makes it around 70 days g free. Until today. I really wanted to gamble, badly. I grabbed 1000 and headed to the casino, I knew In my head I shouldn’t go, but I drove there anyways, even though I am self banned. I knew they had my license plate # so I was going to park at the lot next door and walk over, it’s almost like I wanted to get stopped at the door because I parked in the casino lot. I walked up to the door and security approached me right away, saying I can’t come in. Have 8 more months left of my 5 year ban. It felt good in a sense because I still have the 1000$ and it saved me fro the painful days of losing thousands… I could have thanked the security for doing me a favour. Went out for some dinnner with some friends after … continuing my gamble free journey, man it’s hard sometimes .. miss those big wins..:( ?? but I j is there is no winner in a compulsive gambler.. and I’m really happy I didn’t start the evil cycle all over again… hope everyone is doing well. Keep fighting those demons.

Your words are greatly appreciated. It has been a struggle to stay away and I’m glad I didn’t wake up with regret, self loathing, maxing out credit and debit, starting from day 1. I feel because I’m in school and part time work money is coming in slower and I’m trying to find the Quick fix to pay off debts and have money to travel and enjoy life. But there is no winner with gambling , those big wins will just be lost eventually and a lot more of our own money, pride, mental health . Day 72. Cannot wait till day 365. Thanks for the support guys, means a lot.

thank you for reaching out. I hadn’t gambled since Dec 31 2018, until yesterday. 4 days ago my gambler friend told me there is a way to get into the casino if you’re banned. Just park across the street so they don’t see your licence plate number when you drive in; Surely I tested It yesterday and it worked. I took 1000$ and sat at high limits blackjack. Seeing the same faces I used to see everyday, miserable, sad, distraught and empty. I climbed from 1000 down to 200$ , then back to 1000, then up to 2100. 1100$ profit wasn’t enough for me to walk with, because it’s never enough. I kept playing for another 2 hours and lost the 1100 profit, 1000 I brought , and pulled another 1000 off my debit and lost that too, lucky I had reached my limit for the day to withdraw. I walked out of there feeling that Samw feeling I never wanted to feel again. Angry, sad, numb, empty, desensitized. I had to cover A 2500$ bill I had to pay yesterday so my goal was to win 2500, that’s why 1100 wasn’t enough, I ended up losing that plus 2k if mine, now had to pay the bill so it worked against what I went to do. Why didn’t I Walk? Because winning 1000 was like a penny compared to the 10-20 I would win when I was in this life deep. I needed to feel that big win, and it never came, instead I felt the sorrow, self hate, self loathing, and self destruction that I never wanted to feel again. Now I realize I have to attend GA. My asdicrion is not cured at all, I went right back firing huge hands when I said I would have better willpower and know when to walk. I came clean to my gf that I relapsed, she is very supportive and will get me the help I need. I need to get rid of this for good. It has been over 100 days g free. No urge. But also no mechanisms obviously if something happened where I was having the urge to go, because I failed. Day 1 now, and seeking the help I need to get rid of this disease. i am a student and money isn’t coming in as fast as I want so I tried to get the easy fix of trying to pay off some bills but it never works out in the end. I hope you can find the courage to stop also, reach Out anytime and I will help as best I can. I want ya all to overcome this demon, gamble free life is the onlt life I want to live. This is my day 1, wish me luck. Thank you

thanks steev I appreciate it. I know I have no control over this and unfortunately as crumby as I feel, I am no stranger to this type of feeling and that’s loss is very minute compared to previous lossss, but they all hit you in similar ways. It feels worse because I went the longest I have in years. It’s a new start with a new mind set, and now seeking professional help to bury this forever I hope. God bless 

Ok guys it is with a lot of self hated and guilt as I am writing this. Very numb. Very desensitized. I relapsed today. I had the day off work and took 3k to play blackjack. I played for 2 hours and lost the 3k. I then called my bank and increase my limit to 6k. I took another 3k and lost that in 1 hour. I then drove back home 45 min away and went to the bank to withdrawal another 4k. Worst that 6k was off my line of credit. I climbed out and got my losses to 2500 on the day, you guess what happened next? I lost it all again. I lost 10 grand today. In roughly 6 hours. Putting me into debt. I don’t really know how to feel. Except for a big ******* loser. Sorry to vent, rant, I need help. Major help. My whole world is falling apart in one day just because of my addiction, all the work and months to make that, all gone in 5 hours. What a life. The life of a cg. I am so embarrassed

Update I reached out to my ex who was very supportive of me and always wanted me to get help she is taking me to ga tomrorow for the first Time I’ve never been. Very nice girl for still being there for me after a nasty break up. Worst part of this is all I can think about it trying to get that 10k back
Tomorrow. I’ve been in the hole for lot larger amounts and climbed out but I know it’s terrible of me to think this way. Today was a testament that I chased and lost it all once again. I need to go to ga tomrorow and it’s a step in the right direction but I’m sick in the head and can only think of getting my Money back. What a mess

Thanks for all your support guys, unfortunately I am very ill and went back to chase this morning. I lost another 4k off my line of credit. I now lost 14k in 24 hours. It’s all

Been a blur. And worst part was I am banned, they keep letting me
In. She even came up to me today and asked for I’d because they need to see identification if you spent 10 k in 24 hours. I showed my Id hoping they see it and say I am banned. Nothing. She fills out a form and asks me what I do for work. Then gives me my Id back and i proceed to lose the rest of my money. Starting to think that they know I’m banned but want to see
Me lose because I bet big. My first ga meeting is tonight, I have 0 money in my name. 10k owed on line of credit. 500$ in my bank account. Turn 30 this year. I am really low and even after reading all of your support this morning, I still went back to chase. And I feel totally ashamed of myself and feel you guys don’t trust my words because you try to help me all
The time and I don’t listen because of my
Addiction. I’m sorry for letting everyone down, my friends, family, forums, and worst , myself. I really hope things change after my meeting tonight. I need my life back.

My ex was supposed to take my last night, but she had to work. I wish I had went alone. But I didn’t, and went to gamble again. I am going to the meeting tonight. I read all of your words of encouragement. And still my disease take so ovwr me . Now I think it’s at the bottom, no more money left to gamble. Down 17k since Monday. Chasing a 3k loss. Credit line is maxed out. Chequing is over draft. And credit card has cash advance, I am numb. I don’t know how to feel except I’ve lost every penny in my name, and am in debt. I’ve lost the down payment for my condo. I will need to find a new job. And it all happened to fast. It’s like a nightmare, I know it’s small compared to some . But it was all I had, and didn’t have. Now will
Be owing the bank interest. For a while. I will get help, u have to. This is my rock bottom. Maybe I needed to feel this. Absolutely no more funds to play, sorry. I am so numb . Hard to go on with life right now

Going to my first GA Meeting right now, need my life back

Was very eye opening and very supportive. I was the youngest there besides one other, most have been gamble free for years, one person 20 years clean. I want that to be me. They told me they wish they had started to come when they were my age. (29) they would have saved so much money, hurt , mental and physical and financial damage. They are so supportive and gave me all their numbers, told me to come every week, there is one meeting every night and I’m going to attend two per week. They said don’t think you
Come here and you will beat this. This is something you have to do for life, forever, you will always be a cg. You can beat this with support but you really need to want it. I really want it bad this time, after hitting rock bottom, only way to go is up. Another meeting tomorrow at 7 pm. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks guys for listening to my story.

Today is my day 1. One day at a time. Starting over. May 16 2019.

Today is my second ga meeting at 7. I want to go twice a week,
The urges are so strong today. But 0
Finances left

Just returned from my second meeting. I’m going to try to attend two per week. They really help
Me to open up and to hear other people’s stories. This disease has no end, and it shows me that I will end up losing everything if I don’t stop now. Most of the people in my life don’t understand cg so it’s nice to be around others with the same mind and disease, likea. Family all wanting to get better . I highly recommend GA to any cg, two meetings have really changed my mind set. I’m starting to cope with my loss, and just want to get to the root of my addiction. I’m also looking into a 19 day rehab centre for cg. If the meetings don’t work, I will ask to go. I want to beat this ??

So lost still, feel like so depressed, sad, lost financially, job hours got cut. Debt, it’s so hard to smile and have conversations with friends and co workers, my performance is gone this week, don’t want to workout, eat healthy. Man I’m letting. My mind beat me so bad here, I’m so strong usually and have such good will power, I feel defeated. Ya the meetings help, but still hard to go on.. I know it’s not even that much money compared tk some, but it’s the feeling of disgust for putting myself through this again for the 100th time. Man.. it’s craxy how gambling can ruin your life and happiness in just 3 days.. we’ll 3 days this time, 10 years it’s ruined mine. Every relapse has been worse than the last, this one hurt the most though. Because every time I lost before, I still had savings. This time I blew through every penny and tapped into maxing our my line of credit and over draft , what a mess. I’m feeling like such a losrr

thanks Jen. I don’t lnow; this one hurts Bad. How did u left it get so out of control. Like from 3k which is so bad already, to let it go to 18k down . I lost all logic and all value of a dollar, I blew months Of work in 10 hours . Never once did I stop tk think to cut my losses, I had to try to break even, and got so bad into a hole. Not once did I say this isn’t a good idea. I’m so lost because it was like I was in a trance. It’s all blurry, and I was sober. It’s still like I want to rewind time. It’s like a bad dream, my peers and family keep saying it’s just monet and I can get it back. But it’s the hurt, sadness, depression, helplessness that is really getting me, I feel sick most of the day, so ashamed. How did it happen again, sorry to vent, it’s just hard .   

thank you for your support . It means a lot. I’m trying to forget about it and move on. I am trying to stay positive. I kjkw through hard work I can get these losses back in a few months if I work hard and save. But in the moment I am torn. Today is day 3 no gambling. I’m gonna go to GA twice again this week. I need to really put an end to this or when I save my money again, I’m going to relapse. I know it

that’s a good ideA. When I start saving again. Maybe i

wkll give my family

my

money to hold. I never want to feel this way again. I know once I make the money back. I can look back on this as an expensive lesson. I need to find the root and beat this before that though, or else the same thing will

happne again. That’s the scary part . Is this 18k feels like it was just 100$ .. it’s so weird I’m desensitized. Until I think of how much it really is and what’s I could have done with it. I lost my down payment for my place, vacation , i hear people talk about trips and buying

things , experiencing life, and here’s I am could have done so much, gave it to the govmt. Pissed it all away in hours. It’s devastatinf when I think of this. Sorry my typing is bad, I’m on

my phone. Thanks for listening. I can’t wait to go back

to ga this week, to start saving, and to live a gamble free life again. It’s funnt I was reading my posts above from before the new year, saying how I have been doing so well and so happy to have quit, then losing 2000 on New Years, I would have laughed if you told me fast forward to 4 months and I would lose everything in my name, again. Wow

thanks Steev you are completely right. I guess because I’ve alwahs climbed out of the hole before, and this time I didn’t. It just got deeper and deeper. It’s day 4 gamble free and it feels like I’ve just lost it all today. Before it would get easier as days went on, this one is staying fresh and consumes my brain every minute of the day because of the magnitude of it I guess. Its just like a bad dream for me i keep beating myself up asking myself why. looking forward to GA this week. I really need to fix myself . 

Day 5 gamble free. It’s been a really hard week. But I’m kind of feeling a bit better today. I am applying for better jobs all day today. If I save for about 2 months, and attend GA weekly, I can recover my losses, and fix the root of my problem, that was my issue before. I never fixed the root. So when I saved Il again, I would relapse. I just want my old life back before gambling . Working hard to save, it’s a rewarding feeling having things you’ve worked hard for, not bet on the flip of a card or a ball spinning around. Wheel. I finally felt the wrath of this addiction when it wiped me clean of all finances and left me in a hole of debt, so the time is now, when I have nothing left, is the best time to rebuild, it’s a test of the mind.. who will win. I will not let this beat me, today Is my day 5. And I will get through this day gamble free. Thanks guys

Thanks for all of your replies. Support, and help with this guys. I haven’t gambled in 9 days, its been really hard. I moved in with two of my best friends and it’s helping being around them when I’m feeling at my lowest. They told me if they find out I gambled again, they’re kicking me out of the house. This alone really makes me not want to mess up. I’ve been to three GA meetings. And I have an apt on Monday for another gambling treatment program. It’s really hard because I keep thinking about how I let it get to losing every penny in my name. I keep asking myself why couldn’t I stop at a couple of thousand.. why did I have to lsoe half a year salary in 48 hours.
Why couldn’t I think of the pain gambling has caused me in the past, why did I never think of that before I relapsed. It just boggles my mind how last week was a blur… I had no self control, I lost all value of a dollar , I completely lost my mind in the midst of it all.. it saddens me. I keep saying it’s jusr money, but hearing people speak of vacations, buying things, even going out to dinner and party… makes me think I cannot do these things now because of the financial mess I put myself in , in just a couple of days because of this sickness. Now I have to rebuild. I am applying for jobs now, trying to stay busy, trying to workout and eat healthy, while really trying to keep my mind off my loss.. some days I want to just go try to win it back, because I have before, countless times I’ve been down and climbed out.. except this time I see it doesn’t always happen, this time I see it can wipe you clean of all savings, and put you in debt, chasing that -3k.. took me to -18k in 48 hours.. I never thought I could take it there. And I know, 18k.. it’s jusr 18k.. people have lost millions, but this is all I had, and part of it was the banks… it’s just stressful because it’s my own doing, I wish I could have. Stopped. I wish I could go back.. but what can I do now, stay positive, stay busy, work hard, and think of this feeling the next time I want to try to get rich off the flip of a card. Imagine.. I just wanted more money .. for what, being greedy cost me going into a hole and wiping me clean, it’s a dark place I never want to go to again. I have told many people what happened, some say I should keep it to myself, but I am an open book. I can’t
Hide things. Also I feel now that a lot of people know, I don’t want to let everyone down by relapsing, especially my mom and dad and sister, seeing them cry , because of my illness.. I went to make them proud, I want to make myself proud, I want to beat this , save, get my life back, and never look back. I want to use this as a lesson . The final lesson of my gambling addiction that wiped me clean of every penny in my name. I hope everyone can get through this, and I am grateful for another day gamble free. Every day I try to accept my loss and move on, until tomrorow. God bless you all

Thanks for the support again, it’s been a very hard two weeks, moved in with two friends, realizing
How hard and expensive live is by myself now. Had to purchase a new bed – 3k. Went to birthday celebration with friend- 1k. Rent 550$. Food, about 300. Trying to
Enjoy life, while putting all this on my visa. I am looking for new job now, I owe about 10k on line of credit, maxed out. Owe 7k on visa. Have trip to visit my sister for a weekend, will cost about 500-100. I can’t stop living but I need to be smarter with finances. It just so hard, after losing 18k.. I wish I had realized how much I could have used that $ to pay for all
This stuff.. I know it’s going to come back once I get my
Job
Going and paycheques start coming In.. 4k a month can’t be debt free in 4-5months. That seems like
Nothing, I am 29. By 30 I can have savings again. I never want to go through this pain again, this addiction, this sickness. It killled me .. it took everything from me in 48 hours. But I know, I can rebuild as I am only 29. I need to beat this and never look back. This is day 15. It gets better as days go on, but I think about my loss everyday still, just my mental
State is a bit
More at ease. Man. I hate gambling so bad.

hi Meghna thank you for reaching out. Day 23 G free. Time flies right? I’ve never been religious but I do believe in spirituality and good things coming to those who are going through hard times. For years I have been personal training but never focused 100% on it, since my gambling relapse Nd graduating college I have focused on growing my business and in 1 week just througg networking I have gained 3 extra clients. it’s cool because i Work for Myself, I met with my mentor and he is helping me with marketing and trying to help me get even more clients, my point is with growinf my business I am chipping away at my debt, and helping people get in shape and gain confidence. I’m making great money the right way, not watching a ball spin around a wheel or a card flip hoping it’s a face card with my ace. I still think about my losesss sometimes during the day and get upset the amount I lost, but I’ve got good people in my corner and in no time I will have 0 debt again and can start saving, working hard, growing my business, and never stepping foot in that evil place again, to me, those people are criminals. Knowing I have a self ban, checking my ID, and still allowing me to keep losing thousands of dollars. It’s sickening. I hope your journey is going well, and I appreciate you being there for me, through my dark days. Here’s to almost one month gamble free. I know we can all do this. Cheers and much love to all

thank you for the message. I relapsed yesterdsy and feel awful. I got back from a weekend which I spent too much money I didn’t have, and I figure I go try to win it back. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I won.. I won the money back I spent, and I was super happy. You know what’s happened next, I think I can go back today and win more. I do win more, 1000$ in 15 minutes of bj. My mind says leave. My cf says stay. I stay and lose it, all 1000, plus the 2500 from yesterday. Plus another 1500 of credit. I feel sick. I feel like I knew u shouldn’t have stayed, I did. I know I should keep going to GA. I thought I was good again. I feel so ashamed. I feel likke such a loser. Worst part I haven’t told anyone. I used to tell my sister and parents, but my parents gave me $ to bail me out of some debt from gambling, and I went and blew it ongambling. I feel like throwing up. I can’t do this anymore. It’s so meased up. I can’t believe im writing this again. Sorry guys. let everyone down, myself, my friends and family, everyone here. I am a loser

thank you meghna. It’s hard, this is so overpowering for me and It took control of my life so bad. I’ve quit drugs before, alcohol, I’n so disciplined in the gym, with my diet, and this seems to be out of my control. I went to gamble this morning and I brought 1000. I was just trying to chase as always, it’s sick. I lost half of it before a security guard finally came up asked to see my id.. wow… -20k later they finally came and asked to see my id. He says sir you’re banned. I said yes thank you , I wish you would have recognized me -20k ago, it’s almost like they waited for me to lose everything for them to say something to me. Told them their secuirt system is a joke, whats the point of a Ban? Ok on one hand I’m glad he did recognize me today. Now I know I’m yellow listed, i can’t. Get in now. It just sucks now I have debt but I know it will get easier as time goes on. I hate this feeling, I feel so ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point,

how? It’s  like I went into a trance. blackout mode and just lost all logic. Money had no value, now

i see it’s value when I look at the 10k I owe on like kf

credit, and 6k I Owe in visa.. with barely any in savings. This will be a long hard road ahead.. I appreciate your support and I hope we can beat this together… I really do .. I want my life back:(

i hope this is the final straw for me, now knowing they know who I am at that casino makes me know I can’t try tk get back in. Time to start saving, working hard, paying off debt the right way. This will be hard, but I can’t wait to look back and think of it as an expensive lesson. Since September I have lost and. Won roughly 70k. at one point I was +20k I felt in top of the world lol, and that’s not even lot of $. Now I’ve given all of that back plus Lots of my own.. so shameful.. they want us to win so we go back… give winnifns back plus all of our hard earned money. That place is sick… I am disgusted. Thank you for your support, truly it means a lot.. more than you know. 

i hope this is the final straw for me, now knowing they know who I am at that casino makes me know I can’t try tk get back in. Time to start saving, working hard, paying off debt the right way. This will be hard, but I can’t wait to look back and think of it as an expensive lesson. Since September I have lost and. Won roughly 70k. at one point I was +20k I felt in top of the world lol, and that’s not even lot of $. Now I’ve given all of that back plus Lots of my own.. so shameful.. they want us to win so we go back… give winnifns back plus all of our hard earned money. That place is sick… I am disgusted. Thank you for your support, truly it means a lot.. more than toy know. 

Tomorrow is day 1. Again ??

Thank you steev and meghna. It’s been hard, been beating myself up so bad , why didn’t I walk, why did I get greedy, I keep replaying it in my head. You. Know when you make the same
Mistake 100 times. It’s so hard and I feel
So stupid. Especially being in this debt. Realistically I know I can pay it off within 4-5 months, if I really
Try. But it’s the fact I relapsed and I feel
So Ashamed. I feel so stupid, like such a worthless loser, I can’t believe my parents bailed me out and gave me money to pay off some debt, and I went to gamble again, they would cry if they knew what I did. I hope this is it for me. Knowing that I got caught finally at that casino. They know who
I am now, brings a sense of relief, I just wish. They caught me before I lost every penny to my name. It just doesn’t make sense to me that they caught me
Now. Anyways. Just venting, worst feeling ever. I have to be grateful for my health, my friends and family, and a chance to make the money back, but better yet be gambling free. It’s going to be a hard road. But I just focus, I must stay strong. We must stay strong
Together, I will keep posting. I appreciate you guys so much, for being there for me, through this rain and darkness.

i read what you posted about his story. it sounds too familiar it can be about any of of us, I feel that exact story is like many of us here. Once we think we beat it, we think we can go back and be smarter, yet it takes control of our life and we fail once again. I will try to be strong

this time. I have seriously had enough of this shit.

that is amazing . Truly. Where can I read the whole thread ?

I read some but not all of it. I will read The whole thing today . I want to be gamble free so bad, I reallt want it this runwZ it’s day 2 today. A bit easier than it was yesterday. I must focus on the good, and make money the right waY. I really need to get out of this debt, I will be a lot less stressed. Thank you for checking in, it really means a lot. How are you doing? Are you feeling a little better? when is your trip? You must be excited. I also have A trip to Miami in 12 days, I guess that’s why I’m stressing a little too… but I booked it months ago… I feel I shouldn’t go, but I also can’t stop living my life because of my gambling problem, I feel money can always be made back. evenutalky I will payy off my debt, but I must keep enjoying life and memories, it’s really all we have in the end. I can’t wait for us to look back and be 12 months, 24 months, gamble free.. we can do this, I know we can.

it means a lot to me, thank you. I appreciate all of your words of encouragement and I know you got this too! I just keep thinking about past losses more than anything.. how my whole life changed last month financiallY. I really want to forget about this… it eats me up inside ??

I should have never had access to line of credit, worst part I had an rrsp and tfsa. I had 10k in each of those that supposed to not be able to touch. All I had to do was call

my bank and easily transfer the money out and in to my chquing. gambled that away. Funny I never thought my addiction would gamble with the banks money. It was always my own, or the casinos. it goes to show how much of a bottomless pit this really is. I used to read stories of people gambling with credit and I would think how can someone Do that. I could never do that. Well look at me

now. I am what I read and never understood. It drives me crazy if I think about it too much. Well now

as soon  I pay off the 10k line of credit, I’m closing it down. I also called the bank and told them I am a cg. Decrease my daily withdraw limit. my anger and frustration comes inwaves. I really just can’t believe what I’ve done to my life, sabotaged it from my own Decisions to step foot in that hell hole for the 599th time. Every relapse being worse than the one before. The problem now is I don’t know the value of a dollar. I’m trying to retrain my mind. If I make 1000$ in a week from work , it doesn’t feel like anything. I don’t know what I have to do to go back to normality. I guess time will heal this. Sorry. Thanks for checking in. I appreciate you a lot

I tried the meetings, but stopped. It is very depressing for me there, I don’t like to be in places with that much negative energy, surprising those meetings actually made me want to gamble more, as all people talked about was gambling. I don’t know, it was odd, so I stopped going. I def will need one on one counselling. But I don’t have insurance right now and can’t afford to pay for it out of pocket. It’s funnt because like meghna said, I always gamble when I spend too much $ or when $ isn’t coming in fast enough. If I was making steady income and seeing my savings rise, I likely would never gamble. Truly, I gamble to try to get rich fast, and always fail. I know this will Be hard, and once my debt is paid I will
Be so relieved. I realize now I must work hard, focus on building my brand(personal training business) help others, and good things (mentally and financially) will come my way. I have been gamble free for years at a time. My trigger is Las Vegas. My binge and relapse started the day after I returned from Vegas on sept 5 2018. On sept 4 I lost roughly 10k usd in 30 minutes and that’s when I felt the feeling
Of
A first real big loss… to me. When I got back I started chasing it., that’s when I first experienced chasing a loss. From there is was down hill … fast forward 9 months I have been gambling on and off really heavily, tried to ban.. didn’t work obviously I was getting into casino np. I hope 9 months is all. July is coming up soon and I want to really start clean. Like meghna said I want to be addicted to my recovery as much as I was and am addicted to gambling. Thank you steev for your words. I want to make myself, and everyone around me proud and never gamble again. I really want this. There was a quote that said , “when you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breathe, only THEN, will you be successful. I want my gambling recovery to be like the air I need to breathe, to live. Cheers to a gamble free life. No looking back. This is my
Day 3. Gamble free.

i appreciate that. I want it bad this time. I don’t want to look back. I want my life back. How are you doing with your recovery? Do let me know! Have a great weekend. A gamble free weekend. One day at a time.

thank you for this. I will look into it later today. Anything that can help, I am going to try. 

that means a lot to me. And I know we can get througg this together. We can learn from this awful mistake and think of the torture it brought upon us, and our loved ones. I don’t want to feel that ever again, or let myself or anyone around me down. I want to be gamble free for life ??

Day 8 gamble free. The debt is crippling me and I am downing beyond my means. I just cancelled my trip to miami next week. I just can’t afford it and I knew that, I had to do this. Miami will always be there, I can’t go deeper into a hole. Right now I’m busy with my personal training business, staying busy. I am going to attend a meeting tomorrow, I will take your advice and lower the like of credit every 1000$ I pay off. Smart idea. I will remain focused and remember gambling is no way to make money, I will always remember this feeling of dispair. It’s really hard. I’ve always had savings, I’ve always been able to travel, buy thing I like, eat out at restaurants. Take girls out for dates, have fun in the summer, and now I’m doing all of those things still.. not realizing that I am in debt. I am not being smart right now, but to be honest, I’d rather enjoy life than lose more to gambling. Money I can make back and I will eventually, but I need to budget better. Its hard going from being fibancially free to worrying

avout being able to afford things. I need to rewire my brain. I hope you are all doing well. I cannot wait to clear my debt. Around 13k right now.. manageable if I am smart I can pay it off within 3 months. Just need to focus. Thanks for the suppprt guys. 5 clients today … staying busy .. trying to smile through all the BS. Life must go on, life must be better eventually … time heals all. Love

I appreciate the words, thanks meg and Charles, Meg that’s is devastating and it puts things in perspective for sure. I hate that I had to cancel a trip I booked for my
Graduation present to myself before my gambling relapse, but it’s the reality of the mess I’ve put myself in because of this evil addiction. I’m going
To never look back. I’m 29. I have so much time and life ahead of me. It’s day 11 gamble free, some days I
Don’t think of it, other days I think
Of all the money I could have if I never relapsed. It really gets to me. I’m going to keep going strong, I know once my debt is paid it will be a bit of a weight lifted off my shoulders. 6 months till I’m 30. Goal is to have 0 debt and some savings again, I know I can, I’ve always been able to bounce back. Every time I got myself in this mess, I got out, I know this time I will get out and never look back. Charles I will pay off slowoet for sure, I want to
Enjoy the summer with friends still, so pay off by my 30tn is what’s it’s looking like, that’s my goal. Good luck to both of you. We can do this together, day 12 tomorrow. Gambling is a big fat lie that I never want to experience again.

I’m ok thanks, one day at a time right? Day 16 gamble free today. I’m got my debt down below 12kCAD. Can’t wait till it’s single digits. I still think about my losses daily, but it gets a bit easier to swalllow them I suppose. Try to stay busy and work hard growing My business while still enjoying life. How are you

holding up? How is the family? Vacation? Please do let me know. Cheers to a gamble free life. Much Love

i appreciate the message. I’m glad we are both sticking to our word of not gambling. It had been hard for me, only because I just thought this morning, I could have actually been out of debt right now from my gambling if I didn’t blow the money I have this summer so far, I took 2 trips, bought a new bed, and went out a bunch with friends, I’m just being hard on myself because my prioritities should have been to pay off my gambling debt before I went to blow money like I still had savings. Anyways I will just be smarter now and learn from this. I had a dream last night that I was at the Casino. I actually didn’t get though, it was pretty emotional for me when I woke up. I remember in the dream I was crying because I didn’t want to lose more $, and also break mt

streak of 19 Days gamble free. im glad I am still

gamble free. Today marks a very emotional day for me. 12 years ago today my friend died in a car accident at age 17. He was a great friend of mine. It makes me think that gambling is just losing money, he has lost his life and has been gone for 12 years now, will never get another chance at life. I must live for him and make him proud of who I can become. Life is short, let’s not waste it with this evil addiction, god bless you meg. I pray we get through this. We did not gamble yesterday nor the day before, and we will

not gamble today or tomrorow either. Much love

Thanks for the message meg is means a lot. Sorry to hear of your brother friend. It’s def hard to fathom at such a young age when there is so much life ahead for it to be cut short. It’s been a hard few weeks, had a client quit on me. Still think about my losses daily, but I try to stay busy. I just wish I wasn’t in debt from gambling. I used to always gamble with my own money or the casinos. I never thought I was dumb enough
To use the banks money… it just shows how bad this addiction can get. I really just can’t wait to clear my debts. I think after i am debt free it will add less stress to my life. Good on you meg for day 23. I am day 21 today.. I guess they say 21 days to break a habit. Here is to a gamble free life. We got this together… let’s do this. Much love

Day 23 gamble free. Got two new personal training clients. Up to 6 now… 4 more to go to return around 75k a year. Helping people reach their goals, staying busy.. finding purpose and making money the legit and right way. Gambling is a lie. It was the darkest times but also the happiest times when I won. The losses out weigh the wins and the sorrow out weighs the happiness I felt from gambling. I will work hard growing my business. I will not gamble, I will never look back. Almost one month gamble free. I can and I will beat this for good.

Must keep going strong. I had an unfortunate weekend where I got my phone stolen and had to spent 1000 to get a new one in a new plan. I also spent 900$ in one night partying. I was so mad st myself when I woke up. I had my debt to about 13k.. now it’s back up to 15k.. when it rains it pours. Have to learn from this. I am done with booze. I almost gambled today to try to get that 3k back… I resisted though. ??

thanks meg I’m pretty down this week but trying to stay positive. I didn’t gamble because I remember the way it ruined my life right now and

i think that’s a worse feeling than I feel after losing A phone. I never want to feel the pain of a gambling loss/binge as long as I’m alive. Thanks for checking in it really means a lot. Have to grind harder. Have to stay positive. Life must go on.. a gamble free life must go on. Much love. How are you doing? How is work? Keep going meg; we got this.

I forgot to reply. Day 36 gamble free. I haven’t gotten my debt down because I’ve been enjoying life a bit too much and spending a bit more than I should going out with friends… but you know what, I kinda am just enjoying summer… if I go out

and spend a few hundred on dinner and drinks, at least I didn’t lise it to the casino without having a good time lol. I know it’s kind of a bad way to look At it because I am

still in debt. But I’m making decent money now with my personal training. Signed my 6 client

this week. Once sept hits I can prob be debt free by December (my 30th bday) it’s a small price to pay only 4 months to be debt free and never loook back. I hate gambling, I can’t believe how bad it was for the last 11 months. So many sleepless nights and so much depression over such an evil thing.. it should be a crime for those casinos to be open honestly. How are you doing? How is the job and kid? Family ok? Please let me know and let’s keep goinf strong for a g free life. One day at a time. Much love

sorry meg been so busy haven’t checked in a bit. Day 46 today. No urges but yes I still think of the losses, I’m just working hard to pay off my debts. I treated myself to a trip to Miami at the end of the month , only cost me 600$ round trip flight and hotel for 4 nights. Need some time away to recharge, haven’t travelled this summer for the first time in many years due to the losses, told myself just live life a little bit and pay off debts slowly. Debt is about 12k right now… hope can still get to 0 by my 30th bday on december 17. I don’t think about gambling at all, I do think about money a lot though. Funny thing is … I’ve had lot of money and I’ve been broke and now I’m in debt, I didn’t feel much different inside except I was a lot less stressed out with bills and having fun etc. I never been in debt since I went to college.. long ago.. anyways. How are you holding up, thanks for checking in, truly means a lot to hve slmeone care for me. I hope you’re going strong and it’s great we haven’t gambled in almost 2 months. i hope your job is good. Family is great, and life’s is happy because you deserve all that. Money comes money goes, we must be grateful for what we have, things money can’t buy.23 know we will get the money we lost back through working hard, that’s no question. In time, this will all be an expensive lesson and distant memory. Let’s keeP on going! Much love meg!

We cannot look back and dwell on what could have been or what we could have done different, but we sure as heck can not make the same mistake we did gambling. Our minds will slowly move on from our losses and we will live every day till our last breath on earth gamble free, that is the mind set we must have to continue this beautiful life. Your family and child, means so much more than any amount of money, and you have  much time to rebuild with some amazing people in your corner, including myself. I believe in you and I believe we will look back on this in a year, with money saved, a clear positive mind. And a gamble free life. I’m rooting for you and I know you’re rooting for me too. Let’s keep fightimy, keep going, and growing, our bank accounts. And also our gamble free days. God bless!! Onwards and upwards. Never look

back. 

Day 51.

9 days until 2 months sober. Yes I will treat this just like a drug, because gambling ruined my life temporarily just like drugs and alcohol did At one point. 

got To keep fighting.

I got the feels with that post meg. You have helped

me in so many ways as well and I never want you to

forget that. The amount we lost was the same, the duration 

of our losses was the same, and of course, the way we felt

after that binge was the same as well. We been g free

for the same amount of time roughly also. Im not going to lie, I almost gambled the other day. But I didn’t. I didn’t even try to, j just though about it. I got stranded at a beach party and had to take a taxi back in which cost me 650$ . I also spent 850$ at this event with no recollection of doing so. It really hurt. But here I am still alive and gamble free. As long as I am alive, there is a chance to change and make things right. I am an

addict to all things that give me a thrill. And I need to stop. But it’s hard to do all at once. I’m so happy to hear your family and baby are doing well and you are in such a better place. Just imagine in August 2020 when we look Back at this. It will approach quicker than we know . And we can put this dark time behind. 

Keep going meg. Keep doing this for your family , but most importantly .. take a good loook in the mirror

rifgt now… do that for her. She is truly the most important.

love??

almost 2 months. I saw you relapsed and I am sorry:( I been there 100 times. Don’t worry, we are human. There is a quote and it says “if you live life long enough , eventually Life will teach you

how to live it” . Keep going Jen.. were all here for you. 

To a gamble free life.

love??

I’ve just gambled tonight after drinking excessive amount of booze. I had the Urge. I’ve just lost 4000$ in 1 hour. I don’t know how to feel. I feel sad, alone, depressed, like I’m in a nightmare. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what todo I don’t know who to tell. I am pretty much just wanting to die almost. Basically . I can’t believe this. I am so ashamed . I just want to Cry . Quit my job. What a pethetjc low life I am

I’ve failed. I’ve failed all of you, myself . I failed this so bad and I feel like a piece of scum. Trash. I just can’t beliefe it. How life can be so great yesterday and today feeling like I just want to roll into a ball and cry. I just can’t make sense of it. I just cant

I’m sorry and I thank you all for your support, but I am chasing now
.
I am chasing my losses, I am caught in the vortex again.
Going to GA again this week.
Got peeled for another 4K of credit today.
Well
My head is not right
That’s for sure.
Very dark day

I’m sorry

Meg I wish. I chased the 4 and I am -8 today. I am so embarrassed, ashamed , patgetic. I can’t tell anyone. i Never though I would take it here again. Truly. I am sorry 

thanks meg 

.

i am truly, lost for words. Really

i don’t even know what to say.

i appreciate you, truly. Thank you for your support

eveyrone . 

Checking out

thank you

jen

i am so sad, draining away, in alcohols , I know

nit the answer, sorry, to all,

i failed

i might be A failure

right now

but I will . Beat this. I promise.

Sad to say

With a heavy heart,

This is. My day 1; again.

Love

Is def my trigger I realize now.
This is going to be a long road ahead.

I am defeated but I am still alive and there is a chance
To make it right.
I hope I make it right. I know what it’s like to be gamble free
For years. And this is the worst it’s gotten for me.
But I also know it can get worse.
Self sabotage is the worst form there is.

Day 1. I cannot look back

i know , i have contacted councellor today. 

And I need to pay  my line of credit down as

its now reached over draft.

Gambling debt is around 23k right now. 

Had it down to 14k just on Friday… 

wow 

one relapse can set you back so bad .

all gone in a couple hours.

today is tough .

i need help and I will seek it.

i can’t wait till this storm is over .

life feels so low right now .

i know 23k isn’t much.. but it’s just gotten so mhch worse

i have a vaca coming up in 10 days.Paid  for alewady

but I don’t know how I will get spending money 

more credit I guess . 

Have to get away for a bit

Chased my weekend loss for 2 days now.
Today was my last loss an hour ago.
Down -10k from Saturday
Not mine, the banks.
Officially the worst financial state I have been in my whole life
-10.5k line of credit maxed
-12k visa
-2500$ over draft chequing

No money to pay minimum payments
If I save my pay cheque this week from work I can
Pay the minimum.
Won’t have rent money though
Forced myself to move back in with my parents at age 29
No drive, no motivation to work, workout, no appetite
I was 68 days gamble free, life was looking good , well
As good as it could have been without gambling.

Now, tomorrow will be my day 1.
I told security once again I am banned, why do you keep
Letting me in. For the 5th time banning, they re took
My picture again, said it hasn’t been updated since 2014.
I was mad, becuase last time security said they updated ur
Pic.
Almost seems like they wanted me to lose my life savings
Well? I don’t know really what to say .
Lost for words as I never though it could get this bad.
29, -25k in debt. Empty, sad, and distressed.
At least I am alive, although I don’t know if I want to be.
Sometimes, these thoughts cross my mind when it
Got this bad.
Thanks for all your support guys.
I truly appreciate all of it; and I’m sorry
That this addiction beat me, for the 500th time.
Maybe, just maybe, one day I can look back and
Live a gamble free life. I pray one day, that is in the picture

thanks meg, I just feel so defeated. 

I cant believe I did it again. 

saturday my sister asked me how many says g free

i was so proud to say 67 days.

back to day one and more debt is so discouraging.

i will have to be so smart on my holiday.

i feel I need to get away to just clear my head.

smart, maybe not.

i don’t know. Lost for words at the moment

I need to get a more structured job. Problem is I have far too juice free time on my hands working for myself. 

Just hurts that what I saved up in the 75 days of workinf

hard, I just lost in 2 days. It breaks me inside.

?? 

thank you meg for all your kind words and support

I know I can get it back in time, I just need to grind hard

for 6

months and I can be out of the hole with a better

state of mind. These next few weeks will

be real tough.

i feel your pain so much. No one understands except for someone who has been addicted to this evil thing.

ive went years gamble free. I used to get so upset losing 100$ . That turned to be upset losing 1000$

to turn to today after losing 24k in 7 trips. And feel

nothing but emptiness. I have to stop the bleeding at

24k. You are right. realistically in 6-7 months I can

clear it with my job. i want this strsss off me. More than the money gone, I don’t want to feel a gambling hangover again.

its the worst feeling , I can’t sleep or eat, I have no motivation to workout , my friendships and relationships are beinf

tarnished. My work clients see I’m off. I wish this feeling

on not even my worst enemy. I am praying for you jen

i hope we can do this together. I want to beat this so bad

Is I want to tell my mom and dad my relapse, but they
Gave me 7k when I lost 17k in May, and cried so bad
Bailing me out, and I promised them I wouldn’t gamble again
It feels so heart breaking I just lost the hard earned money
They helped me with, and it was the alcohol taking over
It wasn’t me. I just don’t know how to break it to them
But I know I have to. Today they told my sister how proud they are of me, for staying clean from the casino. And I received my college graduation pictures in the mail, my mom was so proud.
I don’t know if I should wait to tell them. I’m struggling hard
Right now

I just got back from my parents. They knew something was up

it took me 30 min before i broke down and told them.

so ashamed . My mom wasn’t surprised and said she kenthis was going to happen again if I didn’t get the help i needed years ago: and my father was sad, he said I need to kick this or

its going to be a long hard life. My mom just gets upset and starts getting frustrated with me and yelling so I had to just leave. I don’t blame her because this has been on and

off for 10 years. There’s only so much they can take before I want to help myself. I’m torn now I told her I will go get help.

tomeoeow I’m booking an apt. She told me cancel

my vacation but I really want to get away knowing I cant

afford it. But it’s paid. I dont

know. It’s a hard week.. so lost with my

emotioN. Everything was semi normal on Friday. 

Now life has changed in just 3 days. Ceazy

how this addiction can make you feel so low after a loss.

thanks for all the support. Gonna take some time to 

rebuild. But I know I can. She said I can move back home with them. I think I will. Completely hibernating and no drinking, just save money and

chip away at debt.

thank you. It’s tough, I feel your pain becuase I know yoy

feel mine also. It’s such an evil beast. And those casinos

shoiod be sued, banned, non existent. Watching me

Ruin my life for 10 years On and

oFf. Continuously banning myself over and over

askinf them to re take my picture. Them

saying they did. To today him saying it hasn’t. Been updated since 2014. That hurt me. It’s like they wanted me to keep losing knowing I was banned. I’m torn. I am lost… just trying to workout now and stay busy. Going to take about half

a year to get rid of

this debt. I hope I can come back here in 6 months telling yoy guys I’m debt free and gamble free. ??

thank you. It’s tough, I feel your pain becuase I know yoy

feel mine also. It’s such an evil beast. And those casinos

shoiod be sued, banned, non existent. Watching me

Ruin my life for 10 years On and

oFf. Continuously banning myself over and over

askinf them to re take my picture. Them

saying they did. To today him saying it hasn’t. Been updated since 2014. That hurt me. It’s like they wanted me to keep losing knowing I was banned. I’m torn. I am lost… just trying to workout now and stay busy. Going to take about half

a year to get rid of

this debt. I hope I can come back here in 6 months telling yoy guys I’m debt free and gamble free. ??

And it really hit hard for me

It’s not a contest.

I personally lost over $250k.

My friend lost 10x that.

The only number that really matters now is how many days since your last bet. Make that number grow, bud, and be proud.

I am so determined to quit this for good.

it sounds like you have a great

job and if yoy beat this addiction you will

be able to save up easily and live a happy 

gamble free life again. I believe in you.

today is my day 1. And I’m so determined this time.

my 30th bday is in 120 days. I’m making it a promise

to myself, and to all of you. I will be on here telling

yoy all I made it, and I cleared my debt. I can’t wait

for that day. 

i remember that one, it really resonates and I cant

wait to be at that day of remission. 

I have great news. I am starting a new job 

on the 9th. And I’m continlying my personal training

business at night while moving back within my

parents. This construciton job will pay 4K per month

with another 2.5k from my business gives me 6.5k

per month. I am on route to have my debt cleared  by 

my 30th and also for the start of a new year 2020.

thank you again for the continuius support. 

I appreciate you more than you know.

bless

im really low waking up today. I don’t know

i keep replaying my relapse over and over asking

how and why. And it’s just making me so ashamed

and empty. this one hurts. I’ve lost more

before too, but this one hurts. 

Should be day 70. So saddening
A weekend truly from the pits of hell.
Please help me get through this hard time of my life
I pray these days never come back.

Jen for your continuous support. I really get by these days
With the help
Of amazing people like yourself. God bless your beautiful
Soul.

Reading my whole thread just now and all my
Relapses.
Funny my first post says alll the money I lost “but at least I’m not in debt”
That’s when I was using my own money to gamble
Never did I imagine i would fast forward a year and use
The credit card and banks money.
It’s true this disease is a bottomless pit
There was a quote and it said “a Cg once told
Me that gambling has no bottom, just when you
Think you’ve reached the bottom, you can dig further to a hole you never thought was imaginable” I know this isn’t the
Bottom. More credit cards, more loans, more ways to find money. I need to stop the bleeding at -24k before I add
Another 0 on the end of that.

My first one on one counselling session is booked for
Tuesday. It’s for addiction counselling. I have been
An addict for as long as I can remember. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, you name it. My trigger to gamble is usually booze and drugs. I need to beat all of my addictions for
Good. I’m really looking forward to therapy. Need a sober and gamble free life again. Need my life back before it’s too late

not read it but I will look into it Jen thank you.

day 3 today, haven’t slept much the past few nights at all.

i am coming to terms that money is gone forever

and I am not getting back through chasing,

i accept my losses as a hard lesson learned.

i will work hard, and save, and live a gamble free life

i will not gamble today.

thanks for those words, it’s so true

i kept asking god on the way in please just

help me break even and I’ll never gamble again

ha! Ive broke even plenty, and just went back

and lost it all over again. If god helped me break even

there would be no lesson learned. 

i Accept that money is gone, and never going to see it again. 

Chasing my losses cost me half a years salary in about 10 hours total. And that’s something I will have to live with,

i wont forget about it, but it will become easier to accept.

its just money at the end of the day. I rather live a gamble 

free life broke as heck right now, than be rich and gamble.

thats the way I got to look at it.

your words mean a lot to me.

i didnt know there would be many relapsed during

my attempt at recovery.

i truly thought there was no way I could ever

be in this position once again. But that’s the beast

of addiction and I know this will be a lifelong battle.

i don’t want to  gamble again. I didn’t even enjoy the last 15 times I gambled , I was just trying to break even. Walking into the casino would make me sick, I didn’t even get a rush

or a thrill anhmore, it was just to try to get my money back and it never came.

i will treat gambling as serious as my life now.

if I gamble again, it is like ending my life.

placing another bet, is like committing suicide.

and I don’t want to die.

god bless you 

Day 4. Rough day. But I’m still going gamble free
What else can I do

thank you for your message, I’m always thinking of you wonderful people here in the site as well. 1 week g free today,

first session of counselling in an hour. 

Its been a hard week, vacation this Friday will have to

be very frugle. 

How are you holding up? 

Felt like a big waste of time. Told me things for an hour
That I already knew. However I know this is going
To take time. I will give it at least 10 session sessions
To see if it helps. Imagine, 150$ per hour…
No insurance .,,
Luckily my family is very supportive and is paying for this.
I hope it helps, I’m willing to continue because
I’ve come to my final straw with relapsing

I’ve made one of the dumbest mistakes ever this weekend.
My trip to Miami got cancelled because of the hurricane.
So my friend was supposed to go with is from
NYC. He asked me if instead I want to come visit him
In nyc, celebrate his bday here, then go to Atlantic city for a pool party, then to the Jersey shore the next day.
In my mind I knew Atlantic city was a danger risk for me.
I figured go with him to the pool party. There’s no
Way I’d leave to go gamble when I’m with friends who
Don’t gamble. Well that was a lie. I ended up getting
Drunk, separating from my friends. And in a casino playing
Blackjack wasted. Lost around 3000 usd until I had tapped out my
Limit. It was cash advanced off my credit card.
I really am powerless over this addiction.
Heading back
Home today depressessed. Ashamed, with more debt.
I really wanted to end this trip successfully, saying
I was responsible, I didn’t gamble, I went for a bday and
That’s it, but as you know this is a disease that i am not
In control of. So this is day 2, once again. Credit card is almost maxed out, line of credit maxed out, over draft maxed out.
This is near my rock bottom.

you know what , I don’t even enjoy gambling,

honestly. I don’t get a rush , I don’t like the act of gambling at all. I really just was chasing to try to get some of the 26k I’ve lost

since May. I just wanted to get some back, and didn’t win

once since May. I literally lost every single time for the 

past 13-15 times I’ve gambled. It’s the higher powers

way of telling me to stop, because I have dug a hole

i cannot climb out from gambling and chasing has

 this an absolute financial nightmare.

tuesday I will have to move back

in with my parents. At age 30. It will take me

roughly 6 months to clear this debt. That’s me having

no social life, or spending at all. But this needs to be done

because I’ve damaged my financials, and worse than that

my mental state.

Chased my losses managed to
Find a casino 25 min out of New York today
Lost another 2k
Now I’m close to max out everything
Moving back into my parents tomorrow
-12k since last weekend
-30k since May
How the hell did I do this to myself
How

I sound like a broken record

Who the hell could have sympathy
For me
I’ve make the mistake 1000 times
Nobody can save me but me
Sometimes I feel this is useless to even post
Sometimes I feel I’m a lost cause
Empty
Alone
Distraught
Depressed

I pray there is hope

Because now I feel this is close to the end
Of my rope

I appreciate it man. I never thought I could let it get this bad

i never thought in my wildest imagination I could lose my lifsvaings in such a short time. And be so desentsitized and numb

to this insane addiction. It’s almost like I don’t have any

feeling toward it anymore. When I lose now, I walk out

feeling nothing. And this is a serious

issue. I know you’re right. It will take me roughly 6 montgs

tk get back on my feet. And I want this so bad.  but clearly it’s okt

of my

control.

-20k credit card with 1000$ credit left
-10k line of credit maxed to -10,500
Overdraft maxed to -2500

All in about 9 times gambling

Never thought I could do this.

No More money available to take out.
Thankfully parents are giving me a roof
Or I’ll tell you all I would be homeless tomorrow

I hope people use this as a lesson, and I know this is
Small compared to some stories. But this is real life
Nightmare for me because of my gambling addiction.
I will work very hard
To get out of this mess and get my life back.
GA, one on one therapy, rehab. Whatever it takes

A vacation ruined from gambling.
Life ruined from gambling
Enjoyment ruined

All from gambling

thanks for the message. that makes a lot of sense

and I appreciate different insights. I need to be grateful 

this addiction hasn’t taken my life fully yet. I need to bear

it now before I go another year in this vicious cycle 

need to be grateful that it is possible to climb out still

but youre right will take time.

but I would rather take time rebuilding and recovering

than more time digging deeper into a hole of debt and

misery.

thanks again for your words.

it’s so true. The damn root of all evil. Financial stress.

i guess it just boggles my mind how deep

i took it in such a short amount of time. It’s just so

hard to accept i guess because I was so close to being

debt free before these last two relapsed and my mind

 was in such a better place, being back at square one

in just a matter of 14 days is just baffling. I guess this

is reality though you never know when your next

relpase will come when you are a cg that’s why you have to work so hard on your recovery. ?? I hope you’re doing great

Nd I’m so proud you’re still going strong g free. 

This is my day 1, again:(

Strong urges to chase my losses here back
At home, couple reasons why I didn’t .
I know I’m banned from the casino till 2024
And it’s 40 min away.
I have only 1000$ left of credit that will need to last me
Till I get back
On my feet.
I know that I’m chasing 30k and that to me seems
Impossible to do in a day with a 1000$ bankroll
And the last of any accessible funds to my name.
Also the thought of a casino and the smell of
A casino makes me want to throw up.

I need to accept this money is gone forever and
I need to accept that there’s no way to win it back.

you said is 100% facts and truth.

i need to get it out of my mind that I’m gonna win

it back. My problem is def free time. This whole

chase happened when my hours got cut at work.

decided to try tk go to the Casino and treat it like

i was going to work for the day make a couple hundred.

that didn’t work as you know. I am trying to find

full time work during the week as now I run my own

personal training business and only work 3x a week

def my downFall. So plan is work full time durinf week

and pick up a cash job on weekends. Always stay busy 

occupied. thanks For all your help and advice.

i will def use the strategies above.

we got this, together.

thanks for your words. You’re right gambling has literally

nothing to offer us but pain and misery and financial stress.

i should have def given my cards and cash to my freinds

on vacation. It’s almost as if subconciously I wanted

to gamble. The demons got the best of me

hoping I could recover some losses from two weekends ago

down in Ac. I haven’t won a single bet since my first

big loss in May. That’s someone above trying to tell

 to stop, because I have had not one win since.

i have thought about aa. I will try it if Moving back

home and hibernating At my parents fails.

for now I am so determined to stay sober from

all my demons. How are you doing though?

i hope you are still g free. Please let me know

I know I need to forget the figures. It sucks I’ve tracked

every win and loss since sept 4 2018. Every dollar.

i think that’s what messed my mind up the most.

unfortuntely I have 0 finances left to hand over

ro someone right now. But when I get back on my feet

i will def hand them to my parents and get them

to pay off my  debt with my paycheques.

its a tough day today… don’t know how I did this

yet again… two weeks ago my mind was so clear

im back in a real life nightmare.

moved all my stuff back into my parents today

a fresh start, I’ve deleted all my social media accounts 

I’ve found that to really be negative in my brain

always looking at lavish lifestyles of Rolex watches,

fancy cars and million dollar homes.. made me want

to get rich fast and tempted me to gamble more.

so this is day 1 of a new life, gamble free. I’m not

looking back. This time. Quit all substances also.

I am so happy to hear you are gamnle free

i am with you

i am on board 

I will not gamble today, tomorrow , or the day after that

i am a terrible gambler, I have not won a dollar

since my bad relapses. Why continue something

i am so bad at? Doesn’t make sense.

money is gone.

never going to see it again through gambling

but  will see it through hard work and perseverance 

along with patience and a long grind.

god bless you and meg, Jen, and everyone who has

helped me through my dark times. I don’t know what I would

do without this support.

time will heal us and each day will become esier for us as we go on with gamble free days. Time will literally heal anything , and as we rebuild. It will help our finances and our minds. I always tell myself this analogy. I used to be into bodybuilding , still workout 6 days a week but when I used to compete. I couldn’t have any bad junk food as I was dieting. At the beginning of my diet was the hardest, dreaming of cake and ice cream lol. as the weeks went on , and I made it further into the diet with disipiline, I couldn’t  risk cheatig on it because I wanted to win the competition. i treat this like a diet, the more time I don’t gamble, the less urge i have to gamble and the more I want to win and beat this demon. The first few weeks are the hardest and we must stay Busy. I agree I will focus on my business and get a weekend job so I can chop away at this debt one day at a time. I know it will Take time but I’m determined to win. ironically, tomorrow is the exact date last year where I experienced my first real loss (my biggest). Ever since sept 4 2018, I have chased that big loss , some weeks 7 times, some weeks 4, some weeks only on weekends, I’ve prob gambled over 150 or more times since that day. What’s cool now is just as I’ve ruined my life through gambling the past 12 months, I am going to treat this as a reverse. Make every day gamble free, rebuild my mental state and my finances , and I hope I can come here on sept 1,2020. And tell all of you it has been a gamble free 12 months. Thank you for your support too. It helps me to chat with people with the same demons. I believe this is our year, if we truly want it.

it’s been a tough day, I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about why I didn’t switch games and play roulette where I used to win instead of blackjack where I bottomed out and lost my life savings and put me in this hole. It’s terrible my mind is wandering to that’s place of what if I hit my numbers. a true cg. I need to overcome these thoughts before I relapse. ??

its all so true Jen. Instead of thinking why I didnt

switch games, I need to think about ways to never gamble again, I have another therapy session tomorrow, going to

give it another shot. this gamble hangover is one 

of the worst yet.. I guess cuz I’ve lost eveththing in 

my name this time. Rebuilding will be a long road,

but salvagable. Got to stay focused ??

I asked a dealer if he was a gambler about 7-8 months ago and he said he used to be. I asked him why he stopped?
He told me, you stop when you lose everything.
I understand him now.
And I haven’t even lost everything yet(house , car, business)
There is More of a bottom, always with gambling
His words resonate with me today.

God give me the strength….

youre right. I need to move on:( 

it sucks right now I have barely any work which is giving me all of this time in my Thoughts. Will find work this week hopefully 

as soon as I start seeing some pay cheque’s and that

debt going down, along with gamble free days, my 

mind will slowly become better and life will look up.

how are you doing? gamble free day? Keep going

strong.

and thanks for the kind words.

I have no more finances to hand over to my parents right now as I’ve maxed out every penny available to my name. Once I get my first small pay tomorrow I could give that bit literally that’s going on my minimum payment to my line of credit, cc, and over draft. I had my second one on one counceling today. I think I need to find an actual psychologist instead of an addictions councelllor because although he is helpful, I do believe a psycoligist is more trained with the human brain, maybe I’m wrong. He did make a good point today though, he said you know that with these addictions , you feel it’s you vs You. When actually it’s you vs the brain. So when I went to Atlantic city I was trying to say don’t gamble don’t gamble, but the ill part of my mid brain actually won the battle and I gambled. So I am now retraining my brain to level out and not crave the dopamine I get from drinking, gambling, partying, etc. I’ve moved back in with my parents and I’m applying for jobs with my degree from college. I think once I see the debt slowly go down And the gamble free days pile up, along with the sobriety , things will get better. The problem is I’m an addict to more than just gambling. So it is very hard at the moment I’m trying to beat 4,5 diff addictions at once, but they all revolve around alcohol being my trigger. Can’t remmeber the last time I relapsed sober.. so that’s my culprit. I will also attend GA this week. this is my update for now, day 3 gamble free.

it will be a long road, I’m ready to embrace the struggle.

congrats on day 5.

sounD advice. 

ive had access to way too many funds being a cg.

way too many funds that were the banks and not mine.

even after telling my bank

im a cg. They gave me over draft, and increased my credit multiple times along with my withdraw limits. 

thank you for your message. It means a lot to have support from all of you here. please after I reply here let me know what your thread is called and I will have a read. I read some threads on here and like you, sometimes I don’t know what to say as I’m so torn in this vicious cycle sometimes I just observe. Sort of like when I went to GA , sometimes I would just listen for the hour. I agree and disagree with what you said about it not being about the money anymore. For me it used to be that way, it was about the dopamine rush when I would get a blackjack or two face cards and beat the dealer. That’s when I knew it was for the thrill. But to be completely honest with you, toward the middle of my chase when I was digging my hole deeper, it was actually just me trying to get my money back. I wouldn’t even get excited when I would beat the dealer or a get a blackjack, that’s when I knew the thrill was gone for me. I can be honest and say I haven’t won at gambling since May 14. I’ve lost every single time I’ve gambled and dug my debt deeper and deeper, my hopes was just to break even, recoup my losses, and pay off my cards, because I did it before in the past. That’s the thing, I actually used to win..  never thought I could go on this cold streak of losing every single time.. but it’s reality.. it happened and it happened real fast. Almost like when I gambled, I knew I was going to lose before I even sat down, and I still did it with that 1% hope I could recoup a bit of losses. With those memories of those big wins walking out on cloud nine… never happened. What I can tell you is there is def a root I need to fix because you are right, even if I had the 30k I lost back right now, I would still be depressed, I would still be partying, I would still be battling other demons and abusing substances looking for that dopamine rush. gamblibf was just another way to escape. I’m trying my best to stay positive, and realize that I need to treat this just like a loan… a student loan or a car loan or a mortgage… I need to realize 99% of the world has debt, mine just happened to be self inflicted from gambling addiction and substance abuse. I will attend GA AGAIN next week, and one on one therapy once a week as well. I have even declined a friends birthday today. He was mad and called me a bad friend pretty much.. I told him I couldn’t be around anything that has alcohol involved, and I’m sorry I’m in recovery mode. This will happen a lost in the montgs tk come. ANd if these so called friends don’t understand addiction, they weren’t my friends to begin with. It’s almost like my friend who I told I had a bad gambling prob, brushed it off and invited me to Atlantic city anyways.. if I knew my friend had a problem there is no way I’m bringing him to gamblers haven. But now I know what real driends are .. A lot of people are going to get left behind in My life in the next year. And I’m ok with that . I’d rather be alone and getting better than have people bring me down and hinder my recovery. Sorry for the rant. I appreciare your words and I hope you are doing well with your recovery also. Let’s do this. One day at a time.

god give me the serenity …

It really resonated with me the damaged part. I feel I can never meet a girl who will accept me for all these issues, I’m scared to even speak with women right now because 1) I’m broke and can’t afford to 2) I’m so damaged the last girl who tried to save me , got her heart broken because of my demons. Crazy enough she still want to be in my life to this day.. asks to take me to meetings etc, I just can’t find it in me to get back with her… it wouldn’t be right .. I need to fix myself .. but I don’t know if I ever will ??

that is a great analogy and message you wrote me there, I really appreciate that. And it’s the truth. We can fix this through exercise of the brain. Nothing will come easy ,  but it will be worth it. I have actually went years g free. I think my best was 2010-2014 not a single bet. I didn’t even know what a compulsive gambler was back then..I just gambled with a certain friend often.,, but would lose couple hundred here and there and win couple hundred here and there. It wasn’t truly till 2014 and beyond that the magnitude of my bets and frequency became very concerning.. and it wasn’t until 2018 that gambling truly destroyed my life, mind , and finances. It just goes to show how severe addiction can get, and can always get worse. Part of me is happy I’m trying to beat this now at 29. I really don’t want to let it slip any further or dig my debt any deeper or feel the pain of another gambling hangover again. It all starts with me quitting alcohol. It has been my trigger for every relapse, every gamble session, every time I didn’t. Want when was up, every time. I had an urge. I think through these small steps along with reatending Ga. And one on one counseling, the maintenance you spoke of will be a rewarding one. Because I truly need to find the root of my ”why” … why I am trying to escape reality through these dopamine rushes. I will end it here. “You could have it all it’s all about your reason” 

no struggle, no progress. I have that tattood on my forearm and it’s  time I truly progress through these struggles. Day 5 today. 

Have a great weekend.

Our lives are worth more than money. So
Now I am rebuilding my life. Gambling can go.
I will sacrifice the next few years of my life to make the rest of my life great, but if I continue to gamble, that will cost me the rest of my life.

Hope everyone is staying on track.

Had a dream I was playing roulette during a nap earlier
The urges are so strong today, this is a test
I will not let my mind win

couldn’t agree more with this

thank you for taking the time to read my story man. There is a lot of posts dating back to around 12 months ago so that’s means a lot to me. This week has been… a bit weird. I’m back in with my parents, trying to find full time work which makes my debt more stressful because money really isn’t coming it like  should right now for me to see the debt go down. I got out of my city to visit my sister for a couple of nights.. it has been the first weekend in around 3 months where I haven’t partied and used alcohol. 7 days gamble free and sober from substances with a little bit more of a clearer mind and outlook on my current situation. My sister is a psychologist here in a big city and she told me she’s in debt around 100k from school loans.. she doesn’t stress and knows she will pay it off eventually and it made me realize my debt is very managable to get rid of if I stay focused on saving and more importantly being gamble free. I am relieved to tackle this now before I have good money coming in again because we all know the more money we have the more money we are going to risk gambling. I only stopped basically because I ran out of money. They say inevitably you have to hit rock bottom to stop and lose it all befor you really stop and think of the damages you’ve done to your finances, mental state, and more important who you are as a person, you truly lose yourself and who  yoy are when you’re in this addiction. More so than the money lost it is the psychological damage it has done on my brain to lose all sense of the value of a dollar, to feel pretty empty inside feeling like the hole you’ve dug is unsalvagable. I know the money will be made back through hard work, but I want my old self back, the self that was happy waking up in the morning not worrying about debt from gambling, not worrying or thinking of placing a bet,hitting big, then losing your monthly salary and stressing how you’re going to pay bills and survive. I want that old me back more than I want the money that I lost back. I have been going to one on one counselling as i mentioned and it’s helping me see what addiction truly is to the brain. I will also attend GA again this week and give it a chance. This year is for my recovery. It’s been 12 months this addiction got to be the worst in my life, and I’m very determined to make the next 12 months sober from gambling and substances. It won’t be easy, it will take lots of work. But I want it more than ever now, I’m seeing things from a sober brain and I’ve never wanted to get my life back more than I do at this very moment. I pray and wish you the best in your recovery as well, and again, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my thread. 

Stephen 

day 9 today. Slowly getting over the denial stage that I will never see that money again, urges are not strong to gamble as the days pass, but opening up my bank app seeing the debt I put myself in is very depressing however I am trying to change my perspective and be grateful for all that I do have right now- great support from a coupe close friends, a loving family who gave me a roof over my head and food when I hit my rock bottom, an ex gf who came back into my life as more of a best friend through my darkest times, and more so I am alive brother. I have a chance to turn this around, because many times I have been close to death. It took me 29 years on this earth to realize and accept I am an addict. the next 30 years is going to be strictly focused on my recovery. right now basically lived about 50% of my life as an addict. i refuse to live more years an addict than a sober , true, me. lets battle this one day at a time, and we will see  our old lives comes back slowly, debt go down, have savings again, not worry about bills and be comfortable with our finances again.

i believe this is my final straw. And I am ready to take on this demon full force.

god bless you man

thank you my man. I agree with all that you’ve said there. I’ve been years gamble free with 0 thoughts of Placing a bet so I know it’s doable. Right now I’m just caught right In The middle of the storm. I know once i see my debt go down and the more days I go g free I will feel a sense of relief and well being. I’ve always been very good at saving money so I know this is just a little bit of a tougher task at hand. I pray you find the strength to continue to stop gambling too man, and we can both Make 2020 a gamble free year and get our lives back on track. Keep pushing forward !!

thank you for reading. I agree once we stay stopped and we get our minds to a diff place other than the thought of placing a bet, life will get easier. It literally does destroy us as people, we lose who we are and we get so emotionless because of this addiction. It affects our work, our relationships , our quality of life. Once we realize we are powerless over this addiction, and realize the pain it caused us and those around us, we must want to change and get our lives back to normality. Understanding that 100$ takes a few hours to make at a regular job, and we lose 10-50x that amount in a matter of minutes/hours. I need to rewire my brain now because I’ve lost all sense of the value of a $. It will take time, but I’m determined.

felt like I was writing that myself. I know exactly what you mean and I can realte to every word. The part that hurts me the most is I’ve literally always climbed out of the hole until this time. I’ve always chipped away and slowly gotten out of The mess. This time it was different , it went completely south, I never won anymore.. not even once since my initial relapse in May… roughly 15-17 times after that I never left with 1$.. just more negative in the thousands till im in the position I am now… it just showed me that gambling is pure luck. And I had no luck at all… the question is when do you stop the bleeding? I queskton myself why I didn’t stop it at 5,10,15,20… etc .. because Like you said, as long as I was still gambling.. there was at least a CHANCE, I would win… now there is none.. it hurts me in the same way it hurts you.. but I need to get mad enough to stay stopped. And think of the last 15-18 times I’ve walked out of the casino feeling like i have no soul left.. empty.. not wanting to see my friends or family, work, workout, eat right.. eat at all.. turn to alcohol, drugs, to escape what I did Through gambling.. every time I open mt

bank app.. and see everything is maxed.. that’s what makes me

not want to gamble again.. it sucks but it’s the reality I’ve created, and just like I got. Into this mess.. I have to get out.. I wish you well. Stay strong and keep pushing forward, it can get better.

Seems like a wave and a roller coaster of emotions. I’m currently looking for full time work so my debt is not even going down much right now. I’ve been sober for 14 days and as I start seeing things with a clearer mind state , I just can’t believe how out of control my gambling got… It’s surreal to think about and I get anxiety if I think this is my reality right now.. how? Why? I just can’t believe it.. but it’s what it is, I must keep going forward and get out of this hole. Still going to counselling once a week, I think it’s helping me a bit , see things from diff perspectives. My ex girl and I have been hanging out a bit, she’s very supportive and cares a lot about me, I worry I’m getting involved too fast since I’m weak and at my lowest point right now, but it’s really nice to have someone special , makes me forget how much of a mess life is right now due to this addiction. Well.: that’s my update basically, have to keep being positive , optimistic, and work hard to get my life back on track. I think I’ll post every 30 days here, hope everyone is going strong and gamble free. Bless

Today so badly.
Trying to fight the urges, remembering how it made
Me feel and put me in this mess…
Part of me still feels like I can win some back
This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with

hundreds of times I have been up and not walked, and I think what we need to realize is we truly are powerless over this addiction. no win is big enough, and no loss is big enough, when do we stop? i stopped when I literally had no more money available to take out. If I had access to more, i would have gambled until there was nothing left. I truly don’t even understand it to be honest. I pray you can overcome this, it is truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. God bless 

18 days.. 18 rough days. Still haven’t fully accepted it I guess this is the denial phase. The good news is I start my new construction job on Monday . 50 hours a week should keep me busy. It will show me the value of a dollar again, 25$ per hour of hard labour. I was losing that in .1 seconds gambling. This is going to be a long winter, but I’ll be debt free by April latest if I save my pay cheque’s. 6 months of grind for what I lost in hours. Crazy to think about. Looking forward to chipping away at my debt, but more so I’m looking forward to adding more days to being gamble free. Almost at a month, urges still in waves. But I really want it this time. I never wanna take myself back to that place.. it’s a very scary place. Thanks to everyone who has supported me through this storm, truly I appreciate every single one of you .

Stephen

I have not gambled in 21 days. I hope this is the 21 days to make or break a habit. Lord knows I been here too many times to *****. Started my new job today. Hard labour construction. Made 200$ in 8 hours of tough work., really makes me learn the value of a dollar again. Keeps me busy and it’ll be nice to see my debts go down as I get paycheques…

Here’s to another gamble free day/week/month/year

I can and I will.

thank you for taking the time to read my entire thread. I hope you took something out of it as much as I took out Of your reply. It means A lot. You hit everything right on the head with that post. The reason why I’m not chasing the 30 is because it’s too deep of a hole. I remember like it was yesterday where there wasn’t a 0 in front of that 3, May 14. They always said about chasing losses.. keep chasing and you’ll add 0’s to your current number , give me a few more years and I’ll add a 0 to that 30 if I keep gambling. Like you said even if I got the money back, I would say just say.. because I’ve done it numerous times.. ok I’m even now.. I’ll play smarter, I’ll treat t like a job .. make a couple hundred a day.. ya that fails every time. I am completely powerless over gambling as soon as I place my first bet. truthfully if you told me it could get this bad a few months ago I wouldn’t have believed it… now I see just how much gambling can strip you of.. put you in financial crisis.. play with money that isnt yours.. ruin your mental state.. value of a dollar.. it’s a beast that does not discriminate. I still get major urges.. everyday. But I know I have to be stronger than them and accept the money is gone.. gamble free days mean much more than getting that money back. Because if I got it back, it would put me right back to where I don’t wanna be.. even and convincing my mind it’s ok to start again. I’d rather be where I am now.. flighting this battle and overcoming this, the money will be made back eventually.. the problem has to get fixed more than anything. Megnha and Jen have been a. Huge support for me and evehrone else that’s took the time to read and comment on my journal. It really helps knowing others are going through what we are, because no one around me understands this addiction.. they just don’t get it. This forum has helped me and sometines I read my whole thread again to see the pain it has caused me in just a short 12 months. I’m so determined to make the next 12 months gambke free. And pay off my debt slowly. Congrats on day 3 man. Just keep going, dont look back. relapses are part of this like you said.. but we can beat it through hard work and using resources around us. i drove near the casino to meet a friend today.. of course I had the urge. I didn’t go, that to me is a victory by irself. Keep on fighting… we are stronger than this.. thanks for reading man.

Still fighting

that was deep man. It’s people like you who really get me through these dark times. a good soul with a big hearT that took time out of his day to make someone feel better, the world needs more people like you in it. my relapse after 70 days was exactly like you just descirbed. Got wasted hopped in a cab after friend ditched me.. told him take me to the casino, blacked out lost thousands. Woke up chasing .. it’s terrible and it robs you of all happiness, self worth, etc.

everyday gets a bit easier and once my debt is clear it will be a huge milestone for me, less stress.. but more so I cant wait to have gamble free days in the hundreds. 

Thank you again brother. You will get through

this too, I truly believe after reading your words.. you are sincere and genuine, and real nice soul.

much love

unfortunately, for me it was not about the dopamine rush after my first big loss in May. I didn’t even enjoy gambling. I gambled to chase my losses. I had anxiety walking into the casino, I wasn’t even excited when I would get a blackjack. i would sweat and get crippling anxiety when the cards were dealt. for me, gambling was not about the dopamine rush or fix anymore, it was about getting the money that I lost back. I’m sure for some and even most it was about the high they got from gambling, I didn’t get that even 1%. I strictly gambled in hopes I could recoup my losses, and I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. So as I do understand where you’re coming from, my situation was not for the thrill of gambling, it was simply being in debt and trying to pay off the money I had gambled that I used from the bank. the urges I have to gamble these days again, are not to feel the high, they are because I am in debt and wish I could just get that money back to pay it off. I do not enjoy gambling one bit. Haven’t enjoyed it since May 14 When I experienced my first real chase. Chased until sept 2 And lost evey penny available to gamble with. I guess I’m a bit different, because I didn’t get any rush from gambling, I actually hated it with a passion.

Thanks rk and everyone for the words of encouragement, and motivation for me to continue my gamble free journey.
Just checking in today as I am 1 month gamble free.
I will check back in monthly. I’ll still be reading others threads, and even if I don’t comment always, know I am always reading the forums. Here’s to day 30 gamble free. Will be back at day 60.

Onwards and upwards.

Again. Should have kept going to counselling. Not working right now thought I could come gamble. Won two days in a row.. not much. Came back the third day. Lost it all plus my own. You know how it goes….
Worst part was up today, didn’t walk, again.. you know same story as always as a cg.
Feeling that hangover right now. Here’s to trying again…
Will go back to therapy.

Damn!! I’m so sick of relapsing.

Same old story. Bring x amount today after winning x amount Monday and Tuesday. Win again today. Debate to leave while up.. say no one more shoe. Lose winnings from today plus what I brought, take out more off over draft debit, lose that, go to teller take more, lose that, drive to teller again. And I think this is prob when I realized how bad this got… teller says you’ve already been here twice.. can’t give you more, calls co worker over.. he looks at me like you already nearly maxed out your over draft and cc.. both of them looking at me and was prob the most embarrassing moment I’ve had in years. Two people looking at you basically knowing you have a maxed out cc, maxed out over draft . Maxed out line of credit. Walked out of there thinking wow… I never want to feel this again. Back to therapy tomorrow at 2 pm. Like I said, just when I thought I was at the bottom, I am at a new bottom today.

Insanity. Doing the same thing over and expecting diff results.
Feeling lost to say the least
But I’ve been here too many times.

Vera, Matthew, and dark energy. I appreciate the kind words.
I’ve oficially maxed out all available funds to my name. Which worries me when interest and min payments come at the end of the month. Hopefully I have a job to pay those off within 3 weeks. Just finished counselling. Was a tough session.. very down.. lost, know this feeling too well. But this one hurts more because I’ve lost all $ available. I guess that’s what it takes to not gamble anymore ? But what about when I have $ agaib? Will I gamble? I will never understand this addiction, I will never understand why we torture ourself. Over and over and over, when is enough ? When will I not want to feel this low ? I pray one day

my problem is the chase, I been chasing my original loss since yesterday . Now I even chased today, after therapy. imagine that .thats when you know you’re fully not in control. So now, I have literally 0$ no credit no overdraft no credit line. It’s all gone. gym membership will come up soon, get declined. interest, will go into negative more? Or get declined. Credit is about to be really screwed up. I don’t even know what to say. Again, I thougt I was at th bottom but like Vera said every bottom has a trap Door. I fell through it again this week. I think maybe a treatment centre is the option..

thanks for your support man. 

I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back.

I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back.

This is my first day gamble free, again, for the 100th time. Sometimes I don’t even know if I should post. I seem to only re read my thread and others when I relapse, if only once I read the thread when I got the urge, I would see all
The pain, misery, agony, hurt, self destruction, financial stress it has cost me this past 12 month binge. Yesterday was my last time gambling in the morning chasing a hefty loss in the thousands, I don’t like to mention numbers anymore because everyone has a diff number and the loss feels all the same at this point weather it’s hundreds or thousands, I’m in the same pain, although I wish my mind could stop at hundreds. Once again this week I’ve lose it all, but yesterday I tried again to get my original loss back from Wednesday and thankfully security stopped me before I lost my last bit. Actually it was my
Whitesox hat that saved me from losing more, it was the hat I wore in my most recent picture they took of my self ban. If only I had worn that hat on monday. I could have saved myself
This hurt. I was a bit upset, but it’s like I know how to get in. Don’t wear a hat.; wear sunglasses, park across the street. I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t take pictures with hat and no hat. Security said he will put me on high alert list, I told him man I asked to be put on that 50 times!! Why aren’t you guys helping me here, it’s like they don’t care, anyways I know it’s my own fault for sneaking in; it still hurts that I am able to so easily. No one with a self ban should be able to get in the same day 4 times . Anyways ok rambling .
Sorry

Day 1

Lost

Monday 2 hours gamble – win Tuesday 1 hour – win Wed 30 min win Win as much as I would make in a month or so in 3.5 h Not good enough. Need to hit big. Lose all winnings, panic. Withdrawal more from atm- lose ATM limit maxed- drive to teller , come back , lose that Drive back to teller, withdraw last funds, lose Drive home- know a friend owes me $- go back at night- lose Lose all available credit, over draft, line of credit Wake up, panicking , manage to get extra line of credit so maxed beyond limit- break even at least on the day so able to put the $ back in bank to have a couple hundred bucks left and get kicked out. Its really been a nightmare, a blur, I went into a trance and once again my mind got Highjacked by this addiction I could have really used that $ to pay off some debt and Stay afloat. It’s funny my posts from May, saying I’m at rock bottom.. nope. Debt has doubled since then, relapsed so many times, here is a new bottom. I’m scared to see what the next bottom is , I need help.

Why don’t I post when I win? Why only when I lose. Because when I win I don’t feel like I’m doing anything bad. I feel like I have to live in secrecy. When I lose, here I am. Depressed and going on a massive rant and vent. What I should have done after Monday win is post here that I relapsed. No I didn’t, I posted only wed night after I lost it all. Maybe if I posted when I won, I could have been talked some sense into. But only when I lose I feel I relapsed and did something wrong. This mentality is the worst, it’s not right, it’s terrible.

So much truth in that post. this week I have put so much effort into gambling…that’s the addict part of me. Its so easy to get addicted to gambling , and not as easy to get addicted to recovery. What just doesn’t make sense to me in just a week prior I was so happy to be one month g free. I don’t know how 6 days later I can be caught right back in the vicious wrath of gambling. how things can change so quickly , how quality of life can change so quickly from relapsing. how I can be doing well mentally, or better at least, and then boom it comes back around to suck me in. I will def attend ga again this week, as many nights as I can. Weekly councelling is 1 time per week as it’s all I can do Right now since I’m paying out of pocket 150$ per session. No insurance. I really need to separate myself from my behavior . this is the hardest thing for me. I think one of the main reasons I gkabke is free time, and not much money coming in right now. I need to get a job badly. Once I see paycheques come in I can put some toward my debt and feel more at ease and leas stressed out. everyday I wake up I ask myself why, how, how the heck did I take it here. The number one rule should have always been don’t gamble with money that isn’t yours. I don’t know where along the line my brain thought it was ok to use credit? It’s just mind boggling. I went crazy somewhere down the line. I really need to use this as motivation to rebuild. I’m tired of beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself over this. Enough is enough. I need to be mad enough to fix this anyway Possible. thanks for your words and advice steev. sorry I don’t always follow it Nor my own. if I had listened to peoples advice I could have saved a lot of hurt , stress and time, but I guess you have to learn the hard way and lose everything in order to finally change.

Thanks to for your words. I am hard on both myself and my gambling. I really like how you said be gentle on yourself and hard on my gambling. I want to use that ladder instead of falling into a deeper hole. I truly want to make 2020 gamble free. I need my life back. I miss the old me that never experienced these feelings of addiction and gambling. Gambling also comes with substance abuse for me, so I’m trying to tackle a few things at once which is really tough. I think a treatment centre might be a strong option. As scary as it is to me… I don’t want to waste any more of my life or cut my life Short. I want to come out on top and say I’ve beaten this.

Referring to gambling ..

I liken it now to looking at a cliff face. There are two possible routes up.

One is hard, beyond our ability but we keep trying and keep falling off, we think it is the quickest way up, we want to try and prove ourselves in some way. On this route we have also hit the ground and hurt ourselves many times.

The other route is more straightforward, lots of attainable moves, there are even some bolts we can clip onto for support. Maybe it is more boring but it still leads to the top.

I finally have realised which route I need to take

To see that view ??

thanks for the support man, have a great weekend also!

I started this thread on nov 12 2018. Nearly
One year of self destruction. I refuse to make another year like the last one. It has been hell on earth with this evil illness. I am so determined to quit, but I’ve said this many times before. There is only so many times you can hit the ground and want to keep hitting it putting yourself through pain that becomes unbearable. I will not gamble today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. God give me the strength

Thank you for your words Kin. I truly appreciate them. I know it is only once we place our first bet or have that first drink that all falls apart slowly and we self destruct. I refuse to let my addiction overpower me and longer. I am going to beat this day by day with all the resources made available. I wish you the best in your recovery and i Believe we can make it out on top and live a g free life again.

Like a déjà Vu. I’m so tired of falling and hitting the ground. Although the more I hit the ground the more numb I am. But the pain is deep. This time will be different. This time I will come on here if I get an urge. I will re read my thread and others threads. I will check in weekly. Even daily if I have to for my own sanity. I will not gamble today. And
I will repeat the same behaviour tomorrow and
The day after that. Gambling is a lie.

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Everything that happens to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.

You choose

“Please dont think of this as a financial problem, but As a lifestyle and behavioural one.”

“You will sort Things out, but don’t rush. Concentrate on yourself, not on the debts. Take small steps, and remember you can sort out your money, your life, and your peace of mind, but don’t think like a gambler, think like a measured individual who is wise and learning from mistakes.”

My behaviour is always the same.
Relapse around 30-60 day mark when I feel “normal” again with some money saved away to pay off debts, then relapse and lose all.. vicious cycle continues. I know I need to be positive. But when you relapse so many times you start to really lose hope in this process. I mean, how many times do you want to feel the same pain? Maybe because in my mind I think I won’t feel the pain of a loss, only the joy of a win. The story always ends the same… I will never win. I lose as soon as I place my first bet. I am so just so frustrated. I hope this is the last time.

I know what I need to do. 
weekly ga meetings 

weekly one on one councelling

post here more

hand over all cards to parents 

Gambling is 95% losing and 5% false hope.

back to GA Tonight.

Week 1 gamble free. It’s been a rough one to say the least.they say each relapse teaches you something and you feel some different kind of pain as the previous one. This relapse hit me different. I guess mainly for the fact that I literally took out every available penny of credit left… I had never lost ALL of my available credit until last week. Well, I never thought my mind would allow me to take it that far I guess. I would have actually experienced this back in sept if my bank didn’t allow me to get another 5k on my credit card. Now I realized that the more $ a cg has available to gamble, he or she will eventually gamble it all till they have nothing left. I am still grateful for my family, I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a very solid support system through my family and friends, I have my health, I have resources available for councilling that I attend weekly again. Now I must stick to my guns. I read something here from someone the other day that said… you didn’t lose money, you invested in losing your happiness. Damn, that really hit hard.. literally for the past year I have invested in sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, self hate, financial stress, emotional stress, lost myself as a person. Lost the value of a dollar. I need to start investing in my happiness again because in the big picture, if I got my losses back right now, I would still be unhappy. I am trying to work on becoming happy internally again, it has little to do with money. We think it’s the money, but the gambling was actually just masking my unhappiness because i wouldn’t think of my insecurities and disastrous life while I was in action. Then it hits you ten times as hard once you hit rock bottom financially and also have all of your other demons to battle as well. Sorry for the rant.. I guess it helps me to just vent on here when I’m just lost with everything. Here’s to more gamble free days/months/years.

“Your success is not measured by how high you can climb, but how high you can bounce back when you hit the bottom.”

Thanks to all for your endless support. I appreciate every single one of you.

Thank you for your reply. I always appreciate your words and I can always relate to everything you’ve ever told me. Gosh, I wish I was able to take your advice, along with many others over the past 12 months. It’s alnost like my addicted brain wouldnt even process it fully and I’d always end up relapsing After some time off. I can’t wait to have my inner peace back, and peace of mind. I know that money is never coming back, and I’m finally realizing the Monet is such a minimal factor in the big picture. We have both felt what it feels like to live a gamble free life, and I know we can again. We are just so caught in this vortex that We forget what it feels like to not have this illness control our very lives. Congrats on 1 week Vera, let’s reinact this same behaviour next week. And the week after that too.

you got this, I got this. We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. 

Sorry I have not been active on here for a bit. I thought I would come in today to share my progress and read some threads. Today is day 33 gamble free. I don’t have any urges to gamble but my debt is still very stressful from my addiction, I have a very loving and supportive family who has helped me in this very dark time and covered a few thousand on my credit cards and line of credit for me(again) they’ve done that a few times before and I’ve gambled their hard earned money away. I just want to update my father has been diagnosed with angina recently (it is where not enough blood is getting to his heart) he had an apt today at the hospital and my mother and father have been there for 9 hours. My father will be spending the night for an angiogram. He might have a blockage in the arteries. I just want to say that we stress so much about this whole money thing, that when a real life scare comes up, we seen to realize that money means nothing without our loved ones and our health. We must really put that in front of all this gambling and money issues. I want to tell you now when I think about gambling. I think about the last time I relapsed. I think of losing my last cent of credit and trying to shuffle over another 500$ off an already maxed out line of credit to try to gamble again for the third time in one day after taking out two cash advances off a credit card at the same bank and being too embarrassed to drive to that same one so drive 25 minutes to a different one not realizing they will be able
To see I’ve already taken out 2 cash advances on the day and every account is maxed out. I think of the two bank employees looking at my account and telling me they can’t give me any more money, I think of the feeling of basically being stripped naked in the streets and thrown into a crowd of people. That was my last relapse, and for this reason, I can’t say I will never gamble again because I know it’s a life long battle, but this is the thought I have, when I think of what gambling did to me. Thanks for listening to my update, and I wish everyone well in their gamble free journey. They say you have to hit the bottom in order to change.. that was my most embarrassing experience in my years of gambling; and it is what I will think of for the rest of my life if I ever have the urge to place another bet.

Thank you for your words, it really is the truth.
The longest I’ve gone in the past year was around 100 days. I usually relapse around the 60 day mark, but I haven’t had an experience like I did the last time. Basically I always had more money available to my name after I relapsed.. I never completely ran out of every available fund. I’ve never had an experience like I did on my last relapse, which makes it different for me this time… I always forgot the pain that gambling brought me once my brain thought I could “gamble for responsibly after some time off” this year has been one from hell. My debts will take me roughly a year to pay off I assume, but that’s nothing to me compared to the years I have ahead of me, I will be 30 in December. I always say I’m glad to have experienced this fairly young and while I didn’t have access to hundreds of thousands. What is a mistake without the lesson right ? I’m very determined this time to live gamble free. Failure is a part of growth. I hope you are well, I always appreciate your support through my journey, it means a lot to have good people in my corner that have gone through the same emotions. God bless you, let’s make 2020 great.
One day at a time.

So nice to hear from you and hear your words of encouragement. you have been with me for a lot of this roller coaster and I truly appardciate you more than words can describe. I hope you are well, i Don’t even need to ask if you’re gamble  free because I know you are and I truly believe we both reached a point where the thought of gambling literallt makes us sick. Hope the baby is well and your family life is amazing. you are an Amazing person that deserves nothing but love and happiness until your last breath. Sending all of my love and well wishes your way. 

”Lifes greatest accomplishments are the ones that at first seem impossible” 

Still going strong. My father goes for open heart surgery on Monday ahd ive been visiting him everyday for the past 2 weeks in the hospital. it’s weird to see your family in the hospital, it really opens my eyes to realize they will not be around forever and we must appreciate them while they are here. no gambling urges at all, starting a new job January 8th so I’m really looking forward to tackling this gambling debt once and for all. Should take me roughly 6-8 months if I am frugel And manage my finances well. ive learned to accept my losses finally… it took me a while and a lot chasing my original 3k which turned to 30k lol. My advice to anyone new here would be do not chase your losses.. it’s actually the one thing I reallt have to preach over and over and over. once you start chasing you seriously lose all logic and the value of a dollar. I learned the hard way and I wish I had truly Listened to those who told me to stop when the hole wasn’t so deep, however I’m glad I relazied it before the debt was so insurmountable that I would need to claim bankruptcy. My head becomes more clear as the gamble free days go on, and the thought of my last relapse makes me almost sick when I think about It. I should probably go back to counselling as I’ve stopped but I would recommend it to anyone trying to find the root of ”why” we cg’s gamble. Hope everyone is staying strong and trying their best to finish off 2019 gamble free and make 2020 a gamble free year. Thank you to everyone who has read my journal and been there for me through this roller coaster of emotional and financial damage, you all really helped me get to where I am today.

Thank you so much for the support and prayers for myself and my family. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that as well. It’s very tough to see our parents ill, I live with a lot of

regret in how I treated them when I was younger. it really makes me appreciate them more. Being gamble free in this time is very important to me for sure, my main focus is seeing my dad get out of the hospital and have a speedy recovery. Thanks again for the message. It really means a lot. And that song quote is so true it really resonated with me. I hope you have a good rest of your weekend gamble free, one day at a time. 

I know it isn’t much, but it’s almost the longest I’ve gone in the past 6 months so it means a lot to me. Not so much the number , but I am in a very good place mentally.. without gambling and substance/ alcohol abuse. Those went hand in hand for me , gambling and substances/alcohol. I’m clear minded , I am so determined this time… I feel so strong and I’ve had so much help From all of you here there are too many names to thank. But I truly appreciate every single one of you. My father had his open heart surgery and it went smooth, they were so surprised at his recovery after surgery they sent him home after 2 days instead of 10. I am closer to my family after knowing I could have lost my dad, I am there for my mom and helping out as much as I can. Just a small update. Hope everyone is well, and living gamble free, if I can make it this far, so can each and every one of you battling, it’s never too late. God bless

Thank you for your kind words hibach.

I hope you are doing well also. battling this demon one day at a time.

gamble free life is the only life for me.

cheers!

Thank you for your kind words. You def are right about being there for my parents and also showing them the ”me” they truly want to see, sober and abstinent from gambling , becoming happier and happier as the days go on without those demons. life Indeed is very precious and I want to really be present in my families lives without being totally consumed by substances and gambling. I have a clear mind for the first time in I can’t even remember. you are right about staying focused Because I have slipped around the 60 days mark a few times, but for some reason this time feels different, I don’t know how to explain it… before was always still kind of thinking/hoping/ by the grace of god I could recoup my losses with just one more ”big win” … I saw it never came and I just made my debt deeper and deeper. This time I have finally accepted the money is gone. I think because I have a great job lined up For January and I am in my third step of the interview process… which gives me some hope that some decent paycheques will be coming in soon so I can watch that debt go down. I also dont obsess over money like I used to when I was gambling. I had that pipe dream of becoming a millionaire from that evil place that I won’t even mention, now after losing all of my finances and going into debt from that place I realize the only way to create financial success is through hard work, patience and time. And that time being gamble free time. I know you can do it too Vera and I am praying for you to beat this with me, every step of the way I will be there to encourage you and support you in any way I can, as you have done that for me time and time again during my 1 year horror binge. Thank you again Vera, it means a lot to me to have the support of good souls like yourself in my corner. Wishing you the best for this holiday season and a happy gsmble free New Years. As they say…

one day at a time.

god bless.

I had a dream I was at the casino. I have these dreams time and time again, every so often. Well… usually they make me want to gamble and a lot of the times I have gone to gamble after these dreams. My dream was I had gotten to the video roulette and it wouldn’t let me insert my money, of course it hit my number ,7. The number that has won me thousands in the past lol. The machine still wouldn’t allow me to insert any cash and I was furious. The pit boss gave me money to play.. and fixed my machine, before I could insert the money, I woke up. I don’t really know , but I think this is a cool dream. I usually would gamble in my dreams and win or lose, mainly lose, lol. This time I didn’t gamble at all. Anyways just thought I’d share… still going strong, in two days I will be 2 months gamble free. I’m feeling better than I ever have before. Sober from alcohol and substances for over a month, my mind is so clear without these demons. Take care everyone!

Well sorry I’ve been a little missing in action lately. I wanted to share a quick update. Today is my 30th birthday, and it is sort of bittersweet for me. First off I am grateful that I made it to 30, as I have had far too many near death experiences but clearly I am here still for a reason. I remember when I stopped gambling after my last relapse I went to my calendar and said, If I stop now I will be around 2 months gamble free around my birthday, and here I am 68 days clean. Over one month sober from alcohol and substances also. Last week I lost a friend to a car accident and it made me realize how fragile life is esp after my dad just had his bypass surgery also. I also started counselling again last week which im proud of. It is a bittersweet birthday because I got the job I had been interviewing for, so January I start to make good $ again and pay off my debts, my dad is healthy again, I am mentally at peace in my sobriety, yet I still feel like there is something missing ?? maybe I miss my ex gf and wish things didn’t end the way they did, maybe I am lonely, maybe I am rewiring my brain , but one thing is for certain I will not give up and I will keep pushing forward. I am the author to my book of life and only I can write the ending of it. I hope all is well with everyone and you continue to fight for a gamble free life. All the best for 2020. Best wishes to all

thank You Vera for the birthday wishes and the kind words. I am a little bit down on myself as I relapsed on my birthday and got into alcohol again trying to escape my problems of losing my ex again for the 2nd time From my own wrongdoing. I ended up fighting with her while intoxicated through text and phone and said some pretty mean and hurtful stuff, that I regret a lot. Usually I would gamble after something like this happens, but I knew relapsing on substances was bad enough for me and I couldn’t gamble or honestly I would have one more thing to dmaage my mental health. I have had counselling this week and another session tomorrow, I need to find out why I turn to booze and substances when I try to deal with stress and life’s problems, which actually make things 100x worse in the end. The irony is the words of advice you gave me that my addictions overpowered, I went searching for fulfillment and temporary happiness in booze and actually make me more sad, anxuous, depressed .. but its a new day and I can learn from this. Still gamble free, yet still feel like I messed up badly. Life 

I hope I figure it out one day.

In 18 days I will have triple digits gamble free- 100 days.
This is a huge milestone for me as I have not gone this long since I can remember, I’ve completely forgotten about gambling, but not the pain that is caused. That is a scar that will stay with me for life. I am battling lots of demons but gambling is not one of them right now, thankfully. I am grateful for my health, my family, and my new job I will start in January. Paycheques will come in steadily and I will watch my gambling debts go down every two weeks, slowly but surely. I figure it will take about 12 months to clear, but I am just living for today- the present, and I will slowly chip away. Wishing everyone a merry Christmas and a time where we can spend with our loved ones, not worrying about our next bet or how we will get money to buy gifts because it has all gone to the casino. This has been a very tough year but I’m so determined to live the rest of my life gamble free.

Wishing everyone the best.

I apprdciate  your kind words and encouragement and for all the help you’ve given me throughout this bumpy journey. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and although life isn’t the greatest at the moment, gambling isn’t in my life to make it worse. Wishing you a merry Christmas, happy New Years. And another gamble free year for you and me. your presence in this forum is never unnoticed and you have helped myself and probably hundreds of others get through some dark times with this addiction. 
cheers!

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread brother it is truly appreciated and if it helped you in anyway from my posts or the posts of others , that’s what matters the most. I believe we all have it in us to quit, there are some very low bottoms that weve experienced with this demon And one day you just say I’ve had enough.. I don’t want to feel this way for one more second while I’m on this earth. 18 days is great bro and it will only get better. I am so sorry you almost lost your Family and your divorce, these are traumatic experiences which usually cause people to gamble, it is good you are done with that because it only masks the pain(when we win) when we lose it is 100x more painful with our other life issues plus our financial losses… we don’t want to feel this way. It is nice you are on vacation and can do some soul searching brother, it will make you see how beautiful life can be without gambling. I will read your thread tomorrow and give you any advice I can to help you, as you did that for me and I truly appreciate it. Have a very merry Christmas and New Years, and enjoy your vacation.

“Another lesson: gratitude is the cure for greed. One cannot become consumed by greed when they are grateful for what they already have, or even just for being alive.”

Day 80 gamble free. 100 days is so close I can see it in clear sight.

Happy gamble free New Years to all.
Health is wealth (mental and physical)

My brother thank you. truly your words and kindness are very much appreciated. you are the type of person who keeps me on the right track to stay gamble free. Your positivity in this Forum is what we all need man, truly your words can help someone in the darkest time, and that my friend is very special. You too are a great person even having never met you, and I know you will stay on the right track of living happy and gamble free, if you ever get the urge, reach out.. I will try everything I can to help you. i Wish I reached out to people here before I relapsed, instead of After the damage was done over and over. Have a great New Years brother. All The best to you and your loved ones. And to a g free 2020.

love

Thanks for those words I-d-I. Sorry I have been far too busy to Check on the forum the past month or so. I appreciate your words and kindness. Well just thought I would come on here for an update since it has been a bit. I have started my new job on Jan 13 and it is a career that I have no previous experience in so it has all been very overwhelming for me but I am determined to succeed. I have been gamble free for 3 months and 23 days total, and I don’t think of gambling for even one second of my day. The only reminder I have from gambling is when I open up my bank app and see my debt, but ever two weeks I put 75% of my paycheque to my debt, which will have me debt free in around 7-8 months time. Basically I am volunteering at my new job for just under a year due to my gambling addiction. I have also been sober from alcohol and substances for nearly 2 months and that as well is a huge accomplishment for me. With my new job I really have to have a clear mind, or I will not succeed, the workload is far too strenuous. Being gamble free for around 113 days feels .. well.. almost like a relief and a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder… I never thought I would be able to get out of it. Gambling was probably the worse addiction I’ve ever had in my life, because the damage I did to my brain, finances, happiness, was like no other. However I have re wired my brain now and it can only get better from here. My main focus is paying off my debts , staying sober, working out 7 days a week and mastering my new position in my new career. I hope everyone here is well, you won’t be seeing me much because of my new roll and how busy my schedule is but I will leave on this note. Anybody who is facing this addiction and it caught in the wrath right now, it can get better. You can beat this. You will beat this with the proper resources and the right mind set. I am living proof from Someone who lost every penny to their name, maxed out credit cards, lines of credit, overdrafts, lied, ruined relationships… it can all be reversed I promise you that because I am here today a new man than when I was a gambling addict , and that’s just in 113 days. To name a few people who I always have nothing but respect and gratitude for. Meghna(you have helped me become this new man) Jen, Vera, idi, seanraj, Kin, Monica, Ryan. Thank You all from the bottom of my heart and with every ounce of my soul, for helping me through some Of my darkest days here on earth. Take care all, and keep fighting. Love

Brother thank you I hope you are staying on track too 

man on wards and upwards no looking back! God bless 

I appreicate it. You got that right . It is the worst one for me.

but there is hope, for me and for you and for everyone 

that is struggling. Best wishes to you and your loved ones for this new year. blessings. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it. If I can inspire you to stop and keep going, that is what the meaning of life is, to inspire , to motivate. To help make a change. Trust me I have had too many day 1s to c ount. That feeling of thinking you have beat it, to then tell your brain you will go gamble ”smarter” and leave while you’re up… to then losing everything once again. It made me sick to my stomach and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the financial and more so mental damage I had done and am still paying for now. However you need to think of that feeling of losing a montgs salary in a day.. the next time you have an urge to gamble. It is only when we forget that feeling that we think it’s ok to go back to gamble.. dont forget it. 10 years I battled on and off, 1 year was my worst from last sept. Lost everything. Never thought I could stop… only stopped when I literally had access to no more credit… keep going.. have you tried counseilling ? Or ga? I find those helped me and also staying busy.. working lots.. gym.. spend time with loved ones. The worst part of gambling is we miss out on a lot of life… and we can’t get that time back. You can stop and you can stay stopped. I know we all have it in us. Today is my 4 month and 5 day mark gamble free, I want to see you get there too and I know you can, blessings.

So nice to hear from you. thank you for this message. I have not been around for some time, just busy with life and these crazy times. I miss you and your awesome spirits also! In 3 days I will be 6 months gamble free. It’s pretty crazy to see you messaged me here because the reason I came on here actually was last night I had a dream that I gambled. And I lost. I was so disappointed of my relapse and the dream brought me back to a dark time, I felt that feeling of disparity, self hate, embarrassment, and couldn’t believe it.. jeez was I happy to wake up from that nightmare. It has been a long journey but I have no intentions to ever place a bet as long as I’m on this planet. My job is going amazing, I am with a company that I am able to work from home so I really lucked out. I just approved for my condo and I will be moving out June 1. My debt will be paid off by then .. we’ll 90% of it. in just 6 months I completely did a 180. I have been sober as well for over 3 months. Life could not be any better personally, but the irony is how messed up the world actually is right now. How are you ? how is the newborn and the family? I hope you’re on track and staying Strong. all the best meg. Stay safe.

Thank you for checking in. Life is great on this end. in 3 days I will be 6 months Gamble free, and the new job is great, I am defiantly excelling in a field I knew nothing about before I started. I don’t think I have read your thread, do you have one? Thank you for checking in. Truly appreciated. Take care and stay safe.

thank You so much for your kind words. The feelings are completely mutual and I am so glad we had And have one another support as we were both battling the same demons and it is so amazing to be on the other side of it now. I knew we could do it. A lot of people on this site helped me get through this, but you were that one person who checked in on me daily, encouraged me through my many relapses that everything will be ok and that I would come out on top, and so did you. You are very inspiring and admirable to me as well, don’t ever forget that, without your help… I don’t know if I would be where I am today, I mean that. Im happy to hear about the baby coming .. a brand new beautiful life that you are bringing into this world, and that is very special. I believe you will end this year gamble free, better yet I believe you will never place another bet as well. After what we went through, I think it scarred us enough to have truly learned from this unfathomable experience. I believe in you just like you did for me. Thanks for checking in Meg, and know , that you too.. will always have a true friend in me. Take care of yourself. Sending all my love your way.

Stephen 

Hey,

it was pretty weird seeing this message pop up in my email inbox. It has been so long. I had to go to my sober calendar to see how long it has been since i last gambled. Today marks 11 months and 4 days gamble free. I am doing pretty well. Working from home for my

new job, and trying to stay positive during these hard times. I quit alcohol for 7 months also, but recently I have been drinking more than I should, which I need to change. funnny I don’t even think If gambling , but I am still paying off my debts from the many thousands that I lost. I am happy it has almost been a year, and I really change my life from last year, which I am proud of, I know I have to always have my guard up, but for now I am happy where I am at. Once I pay off my debts, it will be a good feelikg too. I hope you’re well. Please let me know how you’re doing. Thank you again for checking on me- really means a lot. Much love my friend. take care for now.

Astrofly,

your words mean a lot to me and I thank you for reading my journal from beginning to end. today marks 365 days gamble free. a lot of emotions coming back to this site, but also a reminder of how bad my addiction got. I am writing this with a very clear mind, and gambling being a distant memory. I never thought I would come this far, and I hope you know that you can do it too. Sometimes we are in so deep, it feels likr there is no hope. I will never forget when I went in to the Bank after maxing out my final 50$ on a 25,000$ credit card, trying to get another 500$ of over draft in front of two bank tellers who looked at me like I was completely naked and told me I have no available funds left. probably laughing at me inside how poor I was, probably one of the most embarrassing moments I my life. At that moment I realized I need to change. I am still paying off that credit card, but being gamble free for one year means more to me than having that card paid off. it will happen As long as I stay focused. Had I kept gambling , that debt probably would be in the hundreds of thousands, I would most likely be homeless And addicted to subtances. I believe you can do it also. You must believe you can as well At whatever it may take: GA, counselling, opening up to family and friends, having someone handle your finances, banning yourself from all sites and casinos; anything it takes. I am living proof you can get out of the hell that ?gambling has caused you, myself, and millions of others. If you ever want to talk, vent, need advice, message me. You will always have a friend in me. remember; money can always be made back, but time gambling , mental anguish and hopelessness, hours spent gambling, missing out on what’s important in life, the things money can’t buy, will never be able to be made back. I’m rooting for you, always. Keep pushing forward, one day at a time. I did it, and so can you. God bless.?

Stephen
?

Always so nice to hear from you. I will look into the meetings for sure. I am so happy to hear you’re doing well. Keep going, and thank you for helping me through my dark Days. god bless you and your family.?

It is with a heavy heart and damaged soul that I have relapsed on gambling after 18 months without one bet. I had gotten my life back and never even thought about gambling. The super bowl came and I don’t know what got into me, I wanted to bet on it. I didn’t even consider it relapsing … it wasn’t the casino games so it wasn’t relapsing .. at least that’s what I convinced myself. I won, and that was the problem as we all know. I started betting on more basketball games, as I have been an nba fan since I was a little boy and again, tried to convince myself this isn’t betting, it’s more strategic since I know sports; not some cards flipping. One night I lost on the basketball, and I saw casino in the sports app… I felt sick.. I opened up blackjack and I relapsed on the casino, I took out 200$ 4 times and lost every single hand. The Chase is on. I’ve always chased; my mind tells me I can get it all back, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I was going to my gf house that night and I was so mad and was in a bad mood, I didn’t want to be miserable around her and tell her I gambled , as she know
I had a bad problem with it. I switched from bj to roulette and won my 800 plus ankther 200$.. all of a sudden I was in a good mood again… phew I could go over and be my happy self.. jeez gambling is such an emotional roller coaster. The next week i would bet on nba games every night, my gf would be mad as she would come over and I would be glued to the tv.. not showing her any attention.. she begged me to stop betting .. I told her yes I will I swear. What I would do is place 2-500$ bets on sports; then go recover my initial bet in the casino , which I did most of the time, so in my mind even if I lost the sports, it’s like I never bet … again.. the mind of a delusional, degenerate , loser gambler. The next few days would get intense, I won 1-2000 3-4 days in a row; I was up around 12k in a week. I was ecstatic .. one night I lost about 3k.. so I started chasing on blackjack. I lost more; then I couldn’t believe what happened .. I went up to 5k in 10 minutes .. I closed the app and told myself go to bed … as I was about to.. I swear I went into a trance.. usually I withdraw the cash so I don’t have access to it that night anymore. This time
I did not, I opened the app back up, and watched the 5k go to 2.56 cents. In under 5 minutes.. I blacked out.. sober… I stood there in disbelief .. asking myself what th F just happened; why steve!! Why!! You never wanted to feel this again; you had profits of 15k for the week… u just lost it all. Then the chase. I had work at 8 am .. I stayed up all-nighter trying to get that 5k back, ajd lost another 6 k of credit . I wanted to throw up. My whole financial situation changed in 1 hour. The next day I had to tell my gf: and my parents; and my sister. My mom cried. I cried. I can’t believe what I did. How? 1.5 years clean!! I nevver wanted to feel this again. You know, gambling makes us liars, thieves, miserable people. My mom gave me 900$ so that my
Account wouldn’t freeze from my car payment. I got home, after telling her I’ll never gamble again, and that’s why I realize I’m powerless over this. I gambled the money she gave me. I then took over draft and gambled that; I then took cash advances and gambled that. I loook at my bank and eveythinf is maxed. How? Why? This can’t be happening. This must be a nightmare: wake me up. The next day I go over to my family and tell my mom I owe a debt and I’m in serious trouble if I don’t pay. She gives me more money.. it was just to gamble. I am so ashamed : I am feeling like a true piece of garbage. My loving mom trying to help me; but just enabling me.. but I can’t tell her what I did. I can’t. I am not a bad person, but gambling is evil and turns me into one. Now being down over 16 k in 3 days. I play again last night ajd manage to take 50$ up to 5000$ in 30 minutes. I cash out right away. Now I’m
Down 10-11k and my mind is telling me just be happy you got 5k back. My gambling mind is telling me get the other 11:( this addiction will kill anyone worse than drugs , alcohol , anything I’ve ever tried before. I am nearly in tears writing this.. I just can’t believe I am going through it again. God bless anyone who read this, anyone struggling, anyone who has had years of sober time just to ruin it all in minutes … I am
Here with you all:( goodbye for now

Hi all, I am very sorry. It has been a rough 2 weeks. I read everyone’s posts and I appreciate and love you all witg the bottom of my heart. I am powerless over this addiction . I have been gambling every day since I posted, I manage to win all of my money back and more, Just to lose it all again in minutes. I won again today a very large amount and the voice in
My
Head told me keep going, I even told myself if I win I’m cashing out . Ajd indidnr, I kept playing until every cent was gone. I was just bout to clear my debt to 0, 0$ out of debt, from 30k. Basically to say f u gambling and
Never look back. But gambling took control of me . I owe just as much now, I have won and lost over 30k
This week alone. My gf is about to leave me because she says I’m not helping myself but I am powerless over this addiction . There is no logic. There is no common sense: it is never enough, I never know when to walk abd
I have 0 discipline. I am so ashamed. Drijkjfm
Booze and trying to forget how I lost it, won it all back plus some, lose it all again; win most back, then lose it all again. Same story. Asking
Myself what just happened.. it’s a nightmare.. it’s a blurr.. it happen so fast. I’m torn. I haven’t told my parents but rent is coming up, car payment, bills, and every thing is maxed. I have to tell them.: or I will be homeless.. they will never allow that but I don’t know what to do.. what happened to me .. it was all
Good a week ago. I evej. Got it all back abd profit.. I was so happy.. why do I want to feel this way… why do I have no self control.. I’m lost for words . Story of a degenerate gambler .. it’s never enough .. we always want more and the thrill of hitting our bets.. it’s not even about the money it seems .

Signing off.. I’ll update soon.. I might have to Get pro help.. before I die .. this will kill me

Hello all,

Thanks for all the love and support and encouragement to stop. You know this addiction is so evil and it’s such a war every day. I have been gambling so much and I had a very big sports win. Got myself completely out of debt .. why couldn’t I stop? Because as mentioned it’s never enough. I lost it all and got it back so many times, with more profit, but just could not stop and win the war. I have enrolled in meetings again, and blocked myself from the sites I used… it’s a nightmare to be honest. I have ruined my relationship with my family, gf, work, mental and physical health. I have turned to alcohol and drugs , sleepless nights, underperformance at work.. lost so much time spending it with my loved ones. Become a liar living a double life to gamble.. for what? Money? Clearly it’s more than that. It’s all gone again, it’s really the hardest time right now.. trying to quit gambling , substances.. at once.. during a pandemic. Haven’t worked out or eaten clean. In weeks. The past 30 days have been living hell.. it feels like years.. so much damage in such a short time. Today is my day one. I can. I wil.. this will kill me. Take care for now . Sorry I don’t update as mhch.. I’m just ashamed of this hell on earth. I hope I make it..

Thank you guys for the endless support. I am
In meetings twice a week and I have not played casino since Monday. I did place a sports bet on Tuesday but usually I would go to the casino after and gamble all night, I am taking baby steps and taking it day by day. My mind is in a better place. I will continue to fight the good fight and I thank everyone for their love and support. I will not let gambling win. I am
Stronger than gambling. I am on my road to recovery.

Hey plaza thanks for your harsh but realistic comments man. I’m sorry I haven’t posted here every day as I am super busy with work. I hope it doesn’t affect your life in any way by me posting it not- but if you are losing sleep over my Life then my apologies. I am in meetings 2x per week ajd have not gambled in 6 days. I am not looking back and staying busy each day working out, healthy eating, spending time with girlfriend and family more. Things that matter. Life is very busy right now and I’m sorry if I can post everyday. Appreciate all of everyone’s comments , love , and support. Some a bit more blunt and harsh than others. Relapsing is a part of the game and I will never talk down to someone on this forum or tell them to try harder. Especially someone who experiences gambling addiction should relate. Take care all. I’ll post when I can. God bless

And by the way plaza, it has worked in the past as I was clean for 1.5 years. I wish you well my friend, hope you find some love in your life

Meg,

It
Is always nice to hear from you. And
You are not a loser, you are powerful more than you will ever know. As compulsive
Gamblers we know we can’t talk down to someone, tell them to try harder, tell them love and support can’t help them. Lord knows I got through some of my darkest days with your love and support; and many others on here that gave me the same advise. Someone that doesn’t understand addiction will tell us to “try harder” “just stop” “you know what you need to do” if only it was that simple. This group has helped me beyond words, and although I slipped up, lost, won, won, lost. I’m still fighting another day. I’m always wishing you the best in your recovery, and know I have your back every step of the way. You are worth it, you are loved, and you are strong. Don’t let the words of certain members on here, affect your recovery. I post when I feel I need to, not for others, but for me. Take care and god bless.

Hello
All. I’m sorry I didn’t post again this week,
Once again I have lost it all. I am going to go to a 21 day treatment centre. This is too hard to beat with GA alone. I have lost a years salary in a night and now
I owe my friend cuz I used his winnings without telling him. Same old story. Cleared all debt and should have been so grateful. Nope.. lost it all and more.. and owe now..
got no words. God bless . This is evil

Thanks guys..
I don’t know what to say. Rehab starts in may.. I’ve maxed out all
My finances again. In the hole for nearly 50k in 3 days.. I haven’t processed it and I can’t stop going deeper.. this monster has full control on me.. I’m losing hope..

It’s like money means
Nothing. Anymore… before I would be mad at losing 500$.. then 5000… now add another 0’on. 3 days ago i had
Cleared all debt.. and had savings again. The worst part is.. I am now dead inside.. I can’t eat, sleep; workout. And I am
Not even doing stuff at work. Next I will lose my job. My gf dumped me last night but I’m trying to get her back. She doesn’t understand addiction.. she doesn’t know how
I can go to GA.. talk about Gamblignwitg her and then go right back
To it.. I try to tell her it’s not me.. it’s the addictive part of my Brain. She said it’s an excuse and to just stop. I’ve lost my life. In 72 hours. Just blew out another 10k of credit . It’s hell on earth guys. I wish this upon no one. I hope I make it

I read this many years ago when I was in the wrath and hell of gambling. 2018. I experienced it then an I experienced it now. And trust me, if I have access to more .. I will lose it all until there is nothing left. Gambling has no bottom…

“You have not hit rock bottom yet. A long term gambler who struggled with addiction once told me: “just when you thought you couldn’t go any lower, a gambling addiction can bring you a new low that you didn’t even know could exist.” The next step is to take out loans and gamble that away. Then begging/borrowing/stealing money to fund your addiction. The pit really is bottomless. If you continue you will lose your family, friends, partner and job. Most importantly, you will lose your sanity and everything good about who you are. True rock bottom awaits should you keep chasing your losses. Stop now before it’s too late.”

Guys although plaza is very harsh. There is some truth to his post. He’s right. Why aren’t I helping myself? Why arent I handing finances over? Do I blame my gf for leaving? Nope: I would leave me too. I’m about to lose more than $. I lost my mind, my gf, every penny to my name. Will probably lose my job soon. I might have to move back in with my parents. Why didn’t I learn? Because the addict in me didn’t want to stop. I cleared my debt. I was up 60k. I was on cloud nine. I was about to go get my
Dog tomorrow. I have cancelled that. I have nothing left. My visa is maxed (23,500). My line of credit (10,000) , over draft 2500. Owe my friend 16k. Rent coming, car payment. Life is a living hell. When I am asleep, is the only time life is ok. When I wake up, I am living in hell on earth. I need to help myself. I need to make changes, put barriers in place. Because people won’t feel sorry for someone who doesn’t try just 1 thing to change..

Why? Because I am an addict. And an addict doesn’t want to make just 1 change, because they he can’t gamble. I thought rock bottom was losing 30k in a summer. Fast forward, 50k in 3 days. I don’t want to accept it. It was at 30k Monday. Last night I miss 1 point on a 5 game parlay to win 75k. Didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, didn’t work. There is not much to live for right now. Rehab is the best bet, but i hope I make it before that time comes, cuz at this rate, I can die any day now. God bless to all.

Love, always.

Stephen

Thanks for the posts guys. I almost feel ashamed to post here now
To be honest after the last posts. I don’t think I have much to say any more. I lost everything and most likely be kicked out of my
Condo next month, and lose my car. Bills coming in and getting declined from my
Cards because there is no available funds. All
I can say. Is it’s a living nightmare and hell on earth. And I wish I could “just stop” or “not make the same mistake” but it’s a monster. All
It
Took was 2 weeks to be on top
Of
The world… to losing everything and not having food to eat and having to go bankrupt. Take care guys. It’s a broken record now
and I am losing the battle

Wish the best
To all.

Thanks guys. Today I didn’t gamble, it’s the first day I didn’t bet in a couple weeks… honestly.. only because I had 0 left .. I would always scrounge around some cash to bet but today I did not find any. Sad reality but I feel like one day is better than none even if it was becxayse I literally
Couldn’t bet. Had one on one counselling today. I got a puppy and I think he will be my saviour. The same friend I lost all of his $ on my account bought me the dog… incredible he didn’t want to kill
Me instead want to help me…
I still have major cravings .. also battling substances too.. now the borders closed because of COVID so I can’t see my gf anymore. I think my dog will really help me get through this hell on earth. Tomorrow is day 2. I have such a long road ahead. I might do consumer proposal. The roller coaster of gambling is insane, I keep replaying it over and over. Why did I blow out all that $ on blackjack… the place and game that ruined my life 100x. Felt the same pain 1000x and it’s almost like I enjoy pain. Sports betting at least I was winning … there was more strategy.. but some how I threw it all away on blackjack . I can’t comprehend this. I was so scared to place more than 1000$ per night on sports.. yet I would be ok blowing 30k ina night on cards, I would literally have to lose 30 days in a row on sports to lose what I lose in blackjack in 1 hour.. where is the sense? Where is the logic? Why go back to the place that robbed me of everything. Sorry for venting .. I just can’t process what I have done. It’s INSANITY!! Odds of casino are build to win.. sports at least I was picking good teams vs bad teams: I know it all gambling but at least be smart if you’re going to gamble. I guess I needed this because the sports would just keep fueling my addiction and now I literally can’t bet on anything cuz I’m wiped clean: this is a sign.. this is what needed to happen to learn. This is the rock Bottom I never thought I could reach. And I know there is a further bottom than this. That’s the scariest part. A true monster. A true evil. Lord pray for everyone’s soul.

Hey guys thanks for the messages. Sorry
It’s been a really long week at work. I did GA last week for th first time again. It’s just hard to accept I guess, that I’m back at a new rock bottom. It’s just such a monster and I have no compassion for myself.. I’m very hard on myself for what I did. Had counselling again today, she tries to explain I have a mental
Illness but I feel like there was so manh things I could have done to prevent losing it all again. Anyways. Haven’t gambled since Friday. Urges are insane but I have 0$ now.. feel terrible I placed a huge bet with the books and it lost, my friend ajd I a lot., and now he is on me for the cash. I feel teeeible cuz I told him the team to win.. they were up huge ajd lost last Second. Gambling is sick. New job interview this Thursday so I can make more $. Banned from the sites I was using indefinitely .. need my life back.. in the hole for 75k. To bank, bookies, family. Might do consumer proposal. This disease is so progressive and I never thought
This would be my life again at 31. Did it at 18,19,29,24,26,28.. 2 years clean almost and did it again at 31. Man I’m
Tired, sick.. sick and tired of this feeling. Never thought it would Happen again. I’m no expecting to gambling .. I am a statistic .. this is how everyone’s story ends.. if it wasn’t, none of us would be here right, we’d all
Be milllonaires. Much love to all. One day at a time.. longest I have gone without gambling in months. Day 3.. still feel like I’m dead inside. But I know it gets better in time. Prayers for all. Love all