After that night out at the casino my boyfriend and I started going quite a bit. He liked to gamble too, just not at the level I was starting to like it.
Over time I started going more and more. Any time my boyfriend was at one of his softball games, or golf league, working, or hunting I went. I tried to go by myself as much as I could to keep him from find out how much money I was spending. I then, of course, lied about what I had done while he was gone.
The most shameful part of this whole story is that soon after I started taking money from my employers to cover my addiction. For the life of me I cant even begin to understand what made me come up with the idea. I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. I have never taken from anyone before and would never have considered in any other situation. I just couldn’t control the urge to go gamble. I tried. I truly tried. I would wake up every morning and tell myself “today is the day, the day I stop gambling and most importantly stop taking what isn’t mine”. Then as the day would progress I would get weaker. I would tell myself, this is the last time. I will win enough to pay back what I took and I wont be a coward about it. I’ll win the money back and go to my employer and tell them what I’ve done. Every time I took the money I said this to myself. I kept reassuring myself that I would make this right. But the truth is no one ever wins. Not really, not in my kind of situation.
Now I was dealing with the stress of my personal life and the gambling stress. So instead of taking the pressure off like I had thought that night at the casino, it added to it. It, of course, was too late at this point. After about 7 months of taking money, gambling it away, and lying I just couldn’t take it any more. I quit my job. I thought if I pulled myself away from the source of cash that I could get a better grip on things. And I did, for a bit. I started working for a friend who, go figure, liked to gamble. We stopped a few times after work at the casino.
Then, I got news that my last employer was having me investigated. I was horrified. I knew there was a possibility that this would happen, I actually knew it was inevitable but some how it still surprised me. To make this part, the worst part of my story, a bit shorter I’ll sum it up. I got a call from a detective and met with him. Told him the truth, a month later I was in jail. I got out the next day (the worst night of my life), and I am still caught up in a legal battle.
The horrible fact in all of this is that I’ve hurt a lot of people. This wasn’t something that I did that just hurt me. That’s the most unbearable fact of all. I am facing losing everything I care about and cherish, and perhaps I deserve to.
The one good thing out of all of this is I haven’t gambled in months. I have no desire what so ever to step foot in a casino. I know they say you never cure an addiction and it doesn’t just go away but anger and fear of losing it all is a pretty good motivator.

Monique,
you are correct in saying it’s difficult. At times I struggle with even thinking about the future. I sometimes feel like I may not have one. A real one that is. This whole ordeal has threatened the way of life I’ve become accustomed to. It is threatening every relationship that I hold dear, but my faith has only gotten stronger. In all of this mess I have truly found faith and strength in a higher power.
Thank you for the encouragement and well wishes. I’ll keep you updated.

It’s amazing how (as mentioned by P) hitting your rock bottom can make you question every bit of your existence. I know in this moment that I am stronger than I have ever been and I know that no matter how this whole situation turns out, I’ll be ok. I truly feel like this is where I was meant to be at this point in my life. This whole experience was meant to open my eyes, I used to be so judgmental towards everyone when it came to addictions. I always thought that if you truly wanted to quit something then you should just be able to quit. Just like that. I know now that it doesn’t really work that way.
I have always felt sort of disconnected from the world. Like maybe I don’t belong here. I feel right now, in this moment that I do have a purpose, I may not know what that is and I may still struggle with the feeling of not belonging but I know at the end of this I’ll find that purpose.
I wish you all luck and hope through my journey I can some how help someone from making the mistakes I have.
We are all stronger than this, we can all beat this..

I’m trying, truly. My biggest struggle is in not having control over my life. I truly hate that feeling more than any other.

I’m having an ok day today.. I’ve always had an overactive mind and today it’s on overdrive. One day at a time is becoming my new motto but it’s a tough one to live by.

I’m trying to work on the “in control” issue. I never thought about what I deserve. I guess I figured I got myself here, I did this and whatever happens because of it is what I deserve.
I’m a work in progress…

I’ve been searching for a job… well since I quit my last one and it’s been a tough time. I’m learning now just how difficult it’s going to be once this mess goes on my record. The chain of events that this addiction has put into motion makes me ill. The fall out of it all is actually worse than going through the addiction. I’m an extremely hard worker, reliable, dependable, I always give 110%, and I’m very intelligent but all anyone is going to see any more is that I took from someone who trusted me.
Where does one truly go from here? What kind of a future can someone really hope for after all of this?
I went to fill out an app today at a long term care facility and got interviewed on the spot, which I nailed! They offered me the job right then, so of course I was excited…. then I had to fill out the paperwork, they do a fingerprint background check. Normally these would have been the kind of papers I signed without even reading them because I have NEVER been in trouble before. Today, however, I read every word. Needless to say, when they do the background check and my arrest shows up they wont be so excited about hiring me.
I’m so frustrated right now, another sleepless night is definitely in store.
I have so much left in me to offer and I refuse to except that this is going to be the story of my life. I have to find a job and I would really like two, the quicker I can pay back what wasn’t mine the better I think I’ll feel and the quicker I’ll be able to move on but this task is proving impossible.
If something doesn’t give soon I think I’ll go insane!

Going to my first g.a. meeting tonight. A little apprehensive about it all but I know I need to go, and I will.
I go tomorrow to get fingerprinted for my background check… really nervous about that. I’m afraid my arrest will show up and the humiliation that will follow being told I can’t have the job. Some how I have got to find the strength to push forward and to stop letting these negative thoughts creep in.
I am more determined than ever to come out of all of this stronger, smarter and more successful but it’s proving to be an incredible challenge. I have desperately been searching for someone who has been in the same situation… to no avail of course.

Went to g.a. last night and I have to say I am sooooo relieved. I got myself all worked up about going for no reason. I actually think it helped. I met someone there who has gone through a similar situation and just hearing his story made me feel like maybe I’m not the monster I keep making myself out to be. Things can definitely get better from here.
I also went and did the whole fingerprinting, as much as I’m afraid of facing more humiliation I know that the worst thing they can say is no. Fingers crossed that they don’t but if they do I’ll just keep pushing forward.

thank you so much Monique… I’m trying to keep my head up, good days and bad. I’m waiting for the day that the good days out weigh the bad. I guess we all are

Well I should find out between today and tomorrow if I still have the job. I woke up with nots in my stomach today. I truly hate that feeling. I went through months of waking up like that. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually wake up and not have to worry about these things.
On a positive note I still haven’t gambled at all. It’s been almost three months since my stop date. It’s so hard to understand the grip of gambling once you get away from it for so long. I can’t make any sense of the past year. I really don’t know the person I was. I’m getting back to who I was before all of this happened. It’s definitely tough, with everything that has been going on, to truly get yourself back and I’m praying that one day I will. I’m not really sure how you go through all that we go through and still manage to come out the other side whole and unashamed.
Hopefully one day I’ll have the answer…

I woke up this morning feeling so worried and apprehensive about everything and in this moment I’ve never been more optimistic.
Thank you to Charles for our discussion in group today. Everyone on this site has been so amazing. The day I become the successful business owner I’ve always dreamed of I plan on donating every penny I can. You are all wonderful beings.
What, might you ask, turned my day around. Well I was sitting here reading the forum post by Charles labeled Just For Today, worrying about my orientation tomorrow and my background check. Worrying that I would again be jobless just as I thought I had found a job. My phone rings… its a company I worked for in the past and they have an assistant manager job opening. I know I can nail this interview. Retail is what I do best! The great thing is this company has amazing benefits and plenty of room to grow.
I’ve learned that no matter what your religous beliefs are you should never give up faith. When you least expect it miracles do happen.
If you need proof just ask me. I have had so many little “gifts” given to me these past few months. The biggest being that I am FREE at home for all the holidays when I could be sitting in jail wishing I was.

Together, we are a force to be reckoned with!

I hear that there is no cure for this addiction and I hear it a lot. I do believe that it is always lurking but I also know there is a way to beat it….. and I believe I’ve found the way that works for me.
The key is to find something more powerful than the addiction. Preferably we find it before hitting bottom and doing something horrible like I did. We need to find that thing that truly makes life worth it. Personally that thing for me is the future. All of the things I want to do in life, all the dreams I have that I have come so close to losing. I think we should always chase our dreams and develop new ones. This is what motivates me to stay away from gambling. The bonus for me is that slot machines are my weakness and in order to play them you actually have to step foot in a casino. I drive by them often seeing as how there is one 15 minutes from my house and another 5 within an hour or less away, I’m never tempted to pull in because I know what I have to lose. I remind myself of my goals and I picture my life without ever achieving any of them. This is stronger than the addiction. I AM STRONGER THAN THE addiction. I’ve never been an online gambler, into the lottery, or dealt with bookies. These are not weaknesses of mine so I don’t worry about them. I think I was more so addicted to the atmosphere than the actual gambling. Maybe I’m fortunate in that aspect.
Fortunate.. a funny word considering the circumstances.
I will forever remember the low point I found myself at, this journal and the meetings are sure to help with that and any time I might be foolish enough to think I can manage my addiction and gamble a bit I will remember how horrible I felt. I will remember the look of disappointment on the faces of those I love, I will remember actually considering taking my own life and how scared that made me, but most of all I will remember the complete and udder loss of all control over my own life.

Well I wen’t from the most positive I’ve been in a long time to being at a new low. I wen’t to orientation today for the new job. The whole time I spent praying that nothing came up on my background check. Finally after 8 hours there I figured I was in the clear. So orientation ends and we are starting to leave when my department heads says to us “I still have to check references, but I don’t expect any problems there”. Now this was something I didn’t think would be a problem because I was hired. I had figured they’d done all that they needed to or they wouldn’t have wasted the time and money of training me. I’m worried about this obviously because of what my ex employer could and probably will say about me.
I’m so frustrated right now. I’ve been having those thoughts again, the thoughts of where do I really go from here. Do I really have a chance at a normal life. How will I ever pay all the money back if I can’t find a job. And as horrible as it is to admit I’ve once again entertained the thoughts of just ending it. I of course never would, at least I don’t think, but I’ve backed myself into a corner where it seems there is no escape. The ceiling and floor are crushing me.
It wouldn’t be so bad if this were my first rejection but I’ve been filling out apps for months.
After I got home today my phone rang and I know the number was the new job. I was so scared of what my ex employer had told them that fear kept me from answering the phone. They didn’t leave a message so now I have to wait two days and stress about all of this.
I know we can’t control everything and I shouldn’t get myself so worked up but every time it seems I get a little bit of a break I end up getting shot down even harder.
UGH!!!!!

Had my first day at the new job today, I have to say it was one of the most nerve wracking and stressful days yet. I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up. My hat goes off to any of you that have faced the fall out of your addiction and stuck it out long enough to turn your life around. The stress, nerves, and ups and downs of it all are so exhausting and overwhelming. When does it end. When do I get a little relief.
I’m so worried about being “outed” about my arrest at work that I cant just focus on the job. I truly hate this

I’m a little more relaxed today about the situation although it could be because I have a whole new set of issues. I think maybe after a few days at the new job I’ll be a little more comfortable.
The job I took was in housekeeping at a long term rehabilitation facility. I love the work and you get to be around older folks which are my favorite kind! Because it is in healthcare they are very strict when it comes to backgrounds and such. I’m just thankful to have made it this far. I thought for sure when they ran my background I would have been booted.
I also got offered another job as a part time manager at a retail chain. If I can pass the background check for that job I’ll be ecstatic! Two jobs means I can really start and make things right.
I’ll keep praying and sticking to one day at a time..

Thanks everyone, it’s definitely a tough fight. I went to my second g.a. meeting last night. Attendance was a little lacking but there was a member there that I hadn’t met yet. . . He was a defense attorney in the area. This disease really does affect people from all walks of life.
My boyfriends parents are back in town for the holidays. They of course have no idea what has been going on. I may have already explained this but they own a restaurant right next door to the place that I used to work. This is how my boyfriend and I met. His parents rent the building from my ex employer. I’m so terrified right now that my old boss will tell his parents, not for my sake but for his. He’s been so stressed since they’ve been home. I know he’s afraid of what will happen if they find out. They had promised him the restaurant in another couple of years and with this whole situation adding tensions he’s afraid that wont happen. I’ve already cost him so much I just pray, at least for now, that they don’t find out.
I have to wonder when it is that the hits are going to stop coming. This is the first time that the holidays really don’t feel like holidays to me. We have been struggling so much because of me not working that there’s no way we can afford gifts. Our tree is up but it’s so depressing without gifts under it. My mother and my grandmother are currently both in the hospital and I wonder if either of them will even be around this Christmas.

This disease is destroying everything that means anything to me. The worst thing I had imagined is about to happen. As I mentioned my boyfriends family is in town and today he overheard them asking a friend of ours if they had heard anything about me. My boyfriend feels like they know something and he’s going to talk with them. He’s decided that it’s best if he does it alone. I honestly don’t think he’s strong enough to stand by me through this… and that just about kills me.
When all of this first started and I had to come clean with him he was so supportive. He said that everything would be ok, that this is a disease and people make mistakes. He said he would leave me over this and we’d make it through it together but the more this drags on the more angry and negative he becomes. I love him so much and I believe he loves me but sometimes love just isn’t enough. It just might kill me if I truly lose everything. He’s about the only thing keeping me sane these days.
I just feel as though the whole world is crumbling down around me and there’s no way out.
Only positive note in all of this is that I still haven’t gambled…

Today has been a better day. My birth certificate will be delivered tomorrow. A lot sooner than I thought which means I can hopefully start work this week. I got a lot accomplished today, small things but they needed to get done. Staying busy definitely helps keep my mind off all my troubles.
This month seems to just be flying by. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas! My next court date will be here before I know it. I’m truly not so worried about it. I feel like I’ve done as much as I can at this point. I’ve been going to my G.A. meetings, I found a job and possibly a second, and I log in here as much as I can for additional support. I haven’t been gambling at all, completely cut that out of my life.
I’m continuing to struggle with the things I can’t control, like my boyfriends parents and the way that whole situation might turn out. In fact I think at this very moment he is discussing it with them so I guess it’s really out of my hands now.
I’ll update ya’ll later.

The worst has happened.. My boyfriend came home last night after talking with his parents and he asked me to move out. He’s afraid of what will happen to his parents business if he stays with me. He’s afraid of what everyone will say and that they’ll all be looking down on us all the time. He’s worried that we’ll be struggling to get by because of all the money I have to pay back. God, I can’t lose him. He’s all I have left and the only thing in this life that truly means anything to me. I know I can fix this, I know I can make this right and pay everything back without hurting his finances. I just am afraid he will give up before I can try. I see it in his face, he’s moving on, pushing me away. What do I do? Tell me someone has gone through this and some how managed to hold onto the one they love. God help me!

Carole,
I know you are probably right.. I know I need to stay focus and clear headed it’s just so hard right now. I’ve lost everything to this. A disease, a mistake has managed to destroy everything. He (my boyfriend) is an amazing guy. The best I’ve ever known and I know he loves me and I know deep down he wants this to work. I just think he is so scared about the future and his parents have pumped him so full of negativity that I don’t stand a chance. I have to believer there is hope. I have to believe that he just needs this time to think and sort his thoughts and he’ll come back to me. He’s my world…

These past three days have been the hardest days of all. I do however, feel a little better right now, in this moment. I have talked my boyfriends head off and we have come to some what of an agreement. We both want this to work. He’s not ready to give up he just needs time and space. I’m going to move for a while, not sure where to or for how long, but I know in my heart I’ll be coming back home at some point. I hope..
I go back to work tomorrow to finish my training. At least thats a positive note. Another positive note I’m still gamble free.
I’m so fearful of how this will turn out. I haven’t cried this much since my grandfather died. I will fix this. I will complete this recovery and I will come out better at the other end. I have to…

Well another g.a. meeting last night. By the time I had gotten there I had been crying for four days straight, hadn’t eaten in that time, and talked everyones head off. This whole situation has been so hard. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as hard as it may be to accept I can’t control everything and I definitely can’t control anyone. The decision to stay with me or throw in the towel is my boyfriends decision to make. I guess I should probably stop referring to him as my boyfriend until I know what he’s chosen. I know I have a lot left in me to offer. I know I have a great future ahead of me and all those possibilities are still there, they’re just going to take more time to get to. I know my self worth and I wont let this addiction define me. At the very core of me, I’m not a bad person. I’m capable of so many things. As bad as I want my relationship to work, as much as I love him, and as much as I hate myself for this I know that I can and will get through this. I just hope he doesn’t let everyone else control his life forever.
Like a woman at my g.a. meeting put it last night,” if he isn’t willing to stand by you now when you need him most. If he isn’t willing to stick up for you, to push all the worries from his mind to help you in the here and now, and really prove that he loves you then maybe he isn’t the guy you keep telling us he is.” Now of course I know all of this it’s just the pain, the feeling of loss, and being forced to give up something that means so much to you is so overwhelming. He came home last night and told me he closed our joint banking account. Now, we had talked about doing this months ago to protect him because we weren’t sure if they would go after our account knowing my name was on it. It hurt more than I thought. I think because he never even gave me a warning, just did it. I feel like he’s completely erasing any sign of me from him. I almost expected to walk in the door from my meeting and to see all of our pictures off the walls and my bags packed for me. I think I’m swiftly moving from the pain and grieving phase to the angry one. This all just makes me so angry at myself, my situation, my old boss for not at least trying to understand, my boyfriend (gotta find another name for him), and his family. The last thing I want is to be angry especially at him but I can’t help it. How can you tell me for almost three years that you love me, I’m your world, and so on and then be so willing to just throw it away because it isn’t easy. UGHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream and throw things. I’m afraid this is going to make me a bitter angry person. I definitely don’t want that.
I’m scared for him, I afraid that if he gives up now he’ll be giving up the rest of his life on things worth fighting for. He deserves to be happy but if he doesn’t stand up for anything then he never will be.
I just have so much running through my head right now. I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m constantly having a heart attack. The day all of this is over I don’t know how I’ll make it. How do you go from stress and the living the end of the world every day to just having a “normal” day. One without the constant knots and doubt. Hopefully I find out soon ??

I almost forgot to mention that I’m still very much GAMBLE FREE!! Yesterday was officially the three month mark for me

Woke up really struggling today. If my first check comes in tomorrow I’m supposed to move out. I just cant seem to wrap my head around all of this. Yesterday I seemed so much more relaxed. I felt like this would all turn around, my boyfriend would realize we would be fine and his parents would get over it but today…. well today isn’t going so well. I woke up with all the knots in my stomach again, hating myself for doing this, for allowing this all to happen. How did I ever let it happen? Why didn’t I ask for help? Why didn’t I feel I could tell him I had a problem? Now, because I was so blind and stupid about this all, I have to lose everything. EVERYTHING that means anything to me. Everyone keeps telling me, “he loves you so much, we can all see it and we just know he’s going to change his mind” “his parents will end up pushing him away and he’ll realize that those fears for the future he has isn’t as big of a deal as living without you” I’m just not so sure. I know I can’t make up his mind for him and I really shouldn’t worry about the things I can’t change, as the serenity prayer puts it. But honestly who can actually just sit back and not worry because they know there’s nothing they can do. I’m so hurt and angry, and I’m becoming more and more angry by the minute.

Thank you Carole, I always look forward to your posts… even when they contain things I’d rather not hear. I’m just so tired of hurting, of being let down, and feeling abandoned. I truly just want a little peace and happiness in my life, why does it seem like those are too much to expect? I know that life is hard, nothing worth having is ever easy but enough is enough. I sure hope you are right about the better days ahead but I swear every time I think I’m at the better days point in my life something comes up and I get knocked back into that rabbit whole I’m always referring to. I feel myself becoming so bitter from all of this and that truly is the last thing I want. How do I find it in me to fight the urge to give into the bitterness and still battle this war I’ve found myself in? So many questions so few answers…

thank you for asking, not doing so well actually. Tomorrows Christmas and although I’m still living with the ex I guess is what I will have to resort to calling him, it just doesn’t feel right. I’m going to be here, in this house that we picked out together, alone… on Christmas of all days. I don’t feel any more secure in his “we’re going to try and work this out, I haven’t given up yet” promises. I truly can say I’ve never been this heartbroken before in my life and I’ve been through a lot. I’ve never hurt this much before. Everyone keeps telling me to cut my losses, focus on me, that great things are sure to happen for me but the pain of all of this is so blinding all I see is me losing everything and having to start from the bottom all over again. Thinking about just taking a couple of p.m. pills and sleeping the day away tomorrow..

Thank you so much everyone, I haven’t been on here because to be honest I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think any more. I’m so tired. My heart is breaking and I don’t know really how to deal with any thing that is going on.
My Christmas was horrible. I spent all day at “our” house alone. Eventually the pain got the best of me and I took a couple of pills to sleep the day away. I will be moving next weekend, I can’t even think about that right now. The pain is unbearable. To think I could be losing everything I hold dear is an uncontrollable pain. I know that he loves me and I love him so much I just hope he decides in the end that it is enough. Right now I know how much pressure he is under and how stressful all of this is. I know how my addiction has affected him and those around him. And I pray every day that they will all find it in them to forgive me. I know I still have so much to offer and this experience has taught me so much. I’m just not ready to give up on this relationship.

I feel a little more hopeful today. I’m still scared to death about what the future may hold for me and terrified that my boyfriend may not be factored into it.The negative thoughts and fears keep trying to take over. I just keeping telling myself to keep the faith. Believe that God will provide and that he hears my prayers. I had a perfect example of that today.
Just a month ago I was unemployed. Things seemed completely hopeless. I filled out thousands of applications and couldn’t even get a call back. I just kept praying “Lord please bless me with a job, preferably two”. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. Then I got the cleaning job, that same week I got a call about another job which I was given pending my background check. I started working this cleaning gig and a woman I work with told me about her second job. She said they are looking for another full time person and she could get me the job if I wanted it. Then just today I got a call about another interview. The Lord works is such strange ways. I’ve always been told “ask and ye shall receive” I’m clinging to that right now. I’ve never prayed so much in my life.
I still have no desire to gamble, if anything that is the one good thing that has come out of this. Even at my lowest and most stressed I still don’t think about going to the casino. In the past that would have been the first thing on my mind. I only wish I had learned everything I have before I ever developed this addiction, before it ever got this far. Before all of this I always said if I had one do over, the chance to go back in time and change one thing I would go back to day before my grandfather past. He was in the hospital a day away from coming home and he was on the phone with my grandmother. She asked if I wanted to speak to him (he and I were very close) and I said no I’ll see him tomorrow. Well he died that night. I never got to say goodbye. It haunts me to this day. Now, if I ask myself that same question my answer has changed. I would go back to the first time I ever went to the casino alone. That’s where it all began. After that first time there alone I decided going alone wasn’t all that bad and any time I got the urge I went. If I could go back to any point in my life it would be that one. Then none of this would have happened. I would still have my job, the friendship with the owners that I truly cherished, my security, I wouldn’t be worried about losing my freedom, I wouldn’t be losing my boyfriend and the future we planned together. Amazing how one decision can truly impact the rest of your life. It’s like the domino effect. I just wish I would have known how things would go.
But, we can’t go back we can only grow and learn from our mistakes. I believe with every molecule in my body that my relationship will be fine. I know he is stressed and overwhelmed and not sure how to handle all of this, I can’t blame him for that. I also know he loves me and that we are very happy together. Its going to take time but I have faith that we will fight through this and come out stronger and closer in the end. I pray and pray for this.
Another G.A. meeting tonight. I’m kind of dreading it to be honest. Might ask my friend to go with me.
Thank you, all of you. Your words of encouragement and the friendship I’ve received on this site mean so much to me.

well I haven’t been on here much lately… Too much going on. I truly am not sure how much more I can take. My uncle went into the hospital tonight. He’s currently hooked up to life support and they will be pulling it tomorrow, per his wishes. I guess the only blessing in all of this is my grandmother is so out of it from her dementia that she isn’t aware that another child of hers is going to beat her to the grave. It’s one hit after another at this time of year of all things. I truly understand now, how and why it is so many people decide to end it after an addiction like this.
I have no idea where I stand with the boyfriend.. ex.. whatever he is. Things have only appeared to get worse between us. He’s so distant and cold now that its hard to believe him when he says he loves me and hasn’t given up. I’m quickly becoming very bitter and angry over all of this. I feel like over the past few days I haven’t seen him at all. He wen’t to a wedding yesterday that I was originally supposed to go with him to. He stayed away all night because he got too drunk to drive home. That one night alone without him almost killed me. How can you love someone so much when they just seem to want to give up on you? I just feel so hurt, disappointed, and abandoned.
The job is going well. I’m good at it and have met a lot of great new people. One guy in particular has become a good friend. He recently went through a divorce, which he didn’t want so we are at similar crossroads. I’ve explained my whole situation to him and it’s amazing how understanding and forgiving a complete stranger can be. I think he was put in my path to help strengthen me and to show me that not everyone will be as judgmental as my boyfriends family seems to think. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who is outside the situation, who can be completely honest with me. He’s even gone so far as to offer me a room if I need a place to stay. Sometimes people surprise me in such amazing ways.
I’ve been hoping and praying that my boyfriend.. ex.. changes his mind about me moving out but it seems as though this prayer may go unanswered. New Years Eve is coming up, we haven’t even talked about it. I think he’s going to avoid me. Probably made plans already. Who knows. I just hate all of this. I feel myself becoming an empty shell and that’s the last thing I want. I went through this with a past ex. He treated me the same cold distant way. I in turn became a walking empty shell of a person. I just never thought this guy would ever do these things to me. Never in a million years thought he’d ever even consider being so mean, cold, and distant. Sometimes people surprise me in horrible ways too.
Still gamble free, even though our tradition has always been to go to the casino I haven’t thought about it once. If I do it’s only in remembrance of the great times we had in the past and the uncertainty of the this years holiday. I will not spend it sitting in this house alone. The new friend at work invited me to go out with him and his friends. Worse comes to worse that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll keep ya posted..

I started packing today, it was hard but I got through it. I’ve been putting it off just hoping that things would change. The “he” would change his mind. I can’t wait any longer. I get paid in two days and that was the agreement.
I’m done sitting around feeling sorry for myself and feeling so pathetic. I’m done feeling like a I have to beg someone to love me. This is not me or the kind of person I want to be.
In a way I think you were all correct. I have sort of lost myself in this relationship. Not completely but I always had the mindset that this was about us, not me. That, when we moved in together and made that commitment we joined our lives into one. This will not change, I have always believed this but I realize now that he wasn’t thinking the same way or if he was he never knew how to show it. I can’t believe after everything that has happened that he is choosing to run. Abandon ship so to speak because there is a storm brewing. This is the time he should be holding me closer, helping me through this tough time. I know that it’s natural for him to have doubts and concerns but if he truly loved me that love would be stronger than all of those things. I still love him very much, still pray every day that we come out of this mess together and closer than ever but I can’t sit around and wait on that dream forever. I have to focus right now on my legal issues. On repairing that aspect of my life. I had hoped he’d be there to help me through all of that but it’s time to put on the big girl pants and handle it on my own. I’ve been attending my meetings, working (even if it is only part time right now) and I haven’t gambled at all, not even a lottery ticket.
I’m supposed to move in two days and I have no place to go, no idea what to do and I keep falling back on the friend from work that offered me a room. I can’t go to my moms. I was just there yesterday trying to visualize moving back there, where I would sleep and how it would work… truth is it wont work. There are six people living in that three bedroom house. Granted three of them are very young children but I can’t go back to that. I can’t live like that, it will for sure push me back into a bad direction. I’ve tried several of my friends and they don’t have room either. So again, I’m back to the coworker. I know things could go wrong but right now it seems to be the only choice I have. We have a lot in common and have agreed that we will keep it just a friendship. I told him the whole situation and he just seems like he genuinely understands what I’m dealing with and wants to help. Might only be a temporary fix anyways. He lives out of state, if I get put on probation for this mess I wont be able to live out of the state I got into trouble in. But at least for now I’d have a roof over my head and not have to stress so much.
I’ll keep ya’ll posted

Well tomorrow is moving day.. I’ve made the decision to move in with my mother. As much as I hate the idea of going back to that life and dealing with that situation again it’s something I must do for now. I will not be moving in with the coworker I mentioned. I do believe he was just trying to help, after hearing about my situation, but I definitely don’t need any more conflict or drama in my life. Besides, if I can manage to get another job or get bumped to full time at my current job, I may have a place of my own… at least for a few months. There is just so much going on in my life right now. My mind is a major mess.
I’m extremely conflicted about tomorrow. I hate the idea of moving out of the house that I thought was my home even though I know I’m not wanted here any more. I hate the idea of sleeping in a bed alone and I know I’ll be constantly wondering what my ex is doing but I have also accepted that I can’t change or control anyone but myself. I finally have accepted that and I will not beg anyone to love me or want to be with me. Reading the posts that I posted the past week and a half sickens me. It’s not me, those do not represent the person I am. I can’t believe I let myself stoop so low, become so desperate. I was just so damn hurt and upset over everything that I felt like I was losing everything… if that makes sense.
It’s horrifying, the things love can do to you and make you do.. I let you know how it goes. Thanks Carole and Monique

Well it’s been almost a week exactly since I moved back to my moms… I absolutely hate it there. Words can never describe how much I hate it there. I’ve pretty much accepted it though and I’m done fighting the things that I have no control over. I’m learning the true meaning of accepting the things I cannot change. Right now my life is full of things I have no control over. I feel much stronger than I did a week ago though. I am more determined than ever to come out of this stronger and a much better, self reliant person. I will never allow myself to be in a position like this again. I still haven’t gambled… hasn’t even crossed my mind. That person that used to gamble almost every day, I can’t relate to. I don’t know who that was but I do know I never want to go back there again. I lost myself in something so stupid, something that in the end only caused problems for me. The job is going ok. I was offered a full time position two days ago. I’m not really crazy about it since it’s the night shift but right now I can’t afford to be picky and I should be incredibly proud. There are several employees that have been there longer than me that want the full time position. So I’ll count it as a blessing and deal with it for now. I’m going to continue to look for something different. Something that pays more. For now though, this will work.
My car broke down this week. In the middle of a blizzard and then today I’ve been borrowing my moms and hers broke down on me too. I have the worst luck ever. Oh well can’t change any of that. Gotta love it…

I realize it’s been months since I’ve been on here and a lot has changed. I finally got the internet so I’m back here for good.
Where to start……
Let’s see, when I left off here I had moved back home and was dealing with car problems waiting for my final court date. So the car troubles never ended, my car was complete toast. I met an amazing man at my new job and now …. I’M ENGAGED!!! My ex, the one that forced me to move and pretty much chose everyone over me was very upset when he found out that I moved on and he tried getting back with me. Turns out everyone was right on here. I don’t want someone who would be so willing to give up on me and run. I found someone who was willing to love me and stand beside me at the worst time in my life. There is nothing that compares to that feeling and he proposed at the worst time ever.
I went to my last court date March 3 and was senctenced to 60 days in jail. I got a trustee position my first night in so with all of my “good days” and the trustee time taken off I actually only did 30 days in jail. It was definitely an experience. One that I never want to repeat but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. While I was in jail my fiance, will never get used to that term, found me a good job and handled everything for me that I couldn’t from jail. It’s like I’ve completely started a whole new life. New home, new job, I sold my car since it was junk so eventually a new vehicle is in the mix, and I’ve left a lot of friends behind. In the end I think this is what I needed. It’s horrible that it took something so major, like embezzlement, to get my life on track but it did. I struggle, still, every day for different reasons and I get down on myself often for the choices that I’ve made and those I’ve left behind but things are coming along.
There’s much more to tell and I’m sure I’ll get to it but for now I’ll leave it at this..

Been a while since I’ve posted but I wanted to fill everyone in. It has officially been just over two years since I last gambled, Yay!!!! I am here to tell you it gets easier with every passing day. I think I may be one of the lucky ones. After my ordeal, going to jail and all, I truly don’t ever think about gambling. Well that’s a lie, I think about it but in a totally different way. When I think about “it” it’s not about going or the desire to play it’s about how much of my life was wasted in the act. How much I lost and am still losing because of it. looking back it’s strange, I truly don’t recognize that person that I was. It seems like it was all just a bad nightmare. I know, of course, that it wasn’t. It was very real! Heartbreaking, sobering, and humbling in it’s own way. I’m still struggling to rebuild my life, it’s going to take years to come back from the financial end of it all and even longer to mend bridges, but I’ll do it. I’m determined to do what it takes.
I encourage anyone who is struggling with gambling to just keep trying. I can contest to the one day at a time, I now have that tattooed literally on my body. It really does work and with every day that you successfully stay away from gambling it only gets easier. you really do need to find new hobbies, maybe pick up a few old ones that you left behind. Fill the time and your thoughts with life and you’ll get there. ..
Till next time “one day, one step, one breath at a time”!!!

Can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I last posted in this this “journal”. I was doing some soul searching here lately and thinking a lot about what I’ve been through, made me think of course of the darkest time in my life. So…. here I am to once again push for all of you to do whatever it takes to get away from the gambling world. It’s been so long since I last stepped foot in a casino (slot machines were my poison), that’s hard for me to even attempt to understand the pull of it. I do, however, remember days/nights spent in the casinos. I remember spending so much time in them that I would go home and fall asleep to the sound of the slot machines still dinging in my head. The horrible smell of all the cigarette smoked caked all over me, and I don’t smoke but for some reason I felt the undying need to place myself in that environment every day. That’s how bad I was, I went EVERY SINGLE DAY!! It’s getting closer now to the three year mark and I’m still going strong. I work in a factory now and I work around a lot of gamblers but I can honestly say that hearing them all talk about their trips to the casino only makes me feel scared for them. Scared they may cross that line and never be able to turn back. I still never think of going. I have such a long way to go before all of my debt is paid back and I’ve been through so much because of the addiction that I hate even the thought of a casino. I have thankfully started to rebuild some bridges that I thought for sure were gone forever. I hurt a lot of people but forgiveness is a beautiful thing when you have the courage to allow it into your heart. People I was sure would never speak to me again are starting to come around. It’s taken me two years to get here, jail, 57,000 dollars in fines, fees, and restitution, heartbreak, embarrassment, loss, grief, and a whole lot of demoralization but I’m here. I’m alive and stronger than ever.
Take a look at your life. Take a look at who you were before you started gambling and who you are now. I know the grip it has on you. I know that feeling of complete helplessness. I know that no matter how hard you try it seems you lose the battle every day to this horrible disease. I also know that there is hope, there is a way to get away. Everyone is different. It took hitting the bottom of all bottoms for me to get away and I pray each and every day that none of you have to get to that point. But I am proof that there is life after gambling. There is life after hitting bottom. There’s a better, fuller, happier, less stressful life after it all. Starting right now remember who you were and set your sights on being that person, only a bit wiser for the wear. Focus on today and today alone. Get through it without gambling and congratulate yourself at the end of every day that you don’t gamble. Buy a calendar and pencil in a schedule every day. Make sure you fill every minute of that day. New hobbies, new adventures, new friends… just fill it. Stay so busy and get so wrapped up in just living that the thought of gambling never enters your mind. It can be done and it only gets easier with every passing day. There is a passage from the bible that got me through every step of the horrifying court battle that I went through for a year of my life, I’ll share it and hope it can least help someone else.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”