[MilkTrayMan]

Hi guys,

I’ve had a problem with gambling for about 2.5/3yrs – started out as an occasional bit of fun.. but somehow the continual self-delusion / justifications to keep going over the years has resulted in a lot of debt and serious depression / self hatred.

My situation is made worse by the fact that I’m a company owner so cash flow always used to be good – I had to save my taxes and pay them 6 monthly or yearly, so the amount of debt I could rack up is substantial.

I started taking efforts to quit much more seriously in recent months – I found myself financially on the brink of missing payments / putting rent at risk / not being able to cope with any emergencies, just pitiful cash flow compared to what I should have.

I’ve been tracking my progress day by day and in the last 4 weeks I’ve gambled about 3 times, or should I say had 3 ‘sessions’ with relatively minor losses, but still enough to sting.

Last week was my first entirely clean week, and I intend for that to continue this week and beyond. I’m trying to keep this up until GAMSTOP comes into force in the UK, a scheme which allows you to exclude from all online gambling in one place.

I found that self exclusion hasn’t worked for in the past because of the sheer number of online casinos available – as time goes on and I exclude from more and more, it does now take a CONSIDERABLE itch to make me want to sit down and go through all the effort of finding another place I can gamble.

I’m really going to try and make last week the blueprint for the rest of my life – I didn’t gamble, I’m feeling happier as a result and I hate myself a little less every day ??

The itch comes and goes, but when it’s gone it’s really gone entirely – although gambling still dominates my dreams… usually in a way where I can see that it’s a negative thing, but I give in and attempt to do it anyway.. I always wake up and feel so glad that it wasn’t real.

Some things I focus on which help me to stop are;

– Tracking progress daily – you HAVE to be able to celebrate your clean days, otherwise the next relapse will make you feel like you’re back to square 1 when in fact you might be on a very positive trend.

– Remembering that wins are not real – they are just further losses waiting to happen. Only the losses are real.

– Trying to be frugal every day and be grateful for what I have

– Try to read up on stories of overcoming hardship – remembering that overall I have it pretty good

– When the urge to gamble is at it’s absolute lowest – pro-actively unsubscribe from all email lists / self-exclude – generally make it as hard for myself next time as possible.

I’ve made a plan whereby I can pay off all my debts over the course of about a year – it’s going to be a tough year because everything i’ll earn is effectively spent, but it has to be done.. it’s either that or continue to lie to myself until my life is ruined. I choose to recover.

I wish you all the best – stay strong!

[charles]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Milktrayman, well done on telling your story here and on the steps that you are already taking. Gamstop sounds good but maybe in the meantime get a blocker for your PC/phone now.

Well done on making a plan to pay off your debts. Have a look at that plan though, is it sustainable? Ifpaying them off in a year means living like a hermit then you might be better taking a year and a half to clear them. That way you can start to see the benefits of not gambling.

Keep posting.

[MilkTrayMan]

Had a bit of a relapse today – really not sure what the trigger was… I think it was just looking at my balance and seeing that I could afford to lose a little.

Of course the reality is – I’m still paying off large debts as a result of my previous gaming, so ‘afford to lose’ is just kidding myself.

Trying not to beat myself up too much – because I’ve been several weeks clean.. I used to relapse quite a bit when I first started but the overall trend was less and less gambling.

I thought I got to the point where it was over for good – but I guess today proves I can’t be too careful.

I guess I’ve been down in the dumps recently because even though I’ve been much happier since I stopped gambling – looking at my finances just reminds me how I have to pay the majority of my income towards debts for the next 2 years (assuming I stop)

I guess I need to try and re-frame those 2yrs and try to see it as not that much time – keep my head down with hobbies and other things in the meantime.

I’m going to try to out-do my last longest streak of non-gambling, this time I will try to fight back when the itch comes on – I’ll think of you all when doing that.

Let’s see if we can do the rest of 2017 bet free – I do hope that Gamstop comes into force by then as promised.

Thanks everyone!

[MilkTrayMan]

Hi guys,

Have managed to stay distracted and racked up 11 days free of gambling in a row which is great.. it’s eroded away the guilt of breaking my last consecutive effort which is good – and as a result I’m determined not to make the same mistakes again.

Some good news coming for UK people – gamstop.co.uk apparently goes live before the end of this year and allows for self-exclusion from all online gambling in one go, which will be comforting.. especially to me since I’ve only ever done it online.

I’ve realised that over the past few years when it was really bad – I was just as addicted to going through my finances as I was to gambling… I would nudge figures, push back payment dates or do lots of other kinds of trickery to CONVINCE myself I had more spare money to play with, when you run a company there are SO many ways of doing this (eg/ paying yourself too early / borrowing from the company) – I would continue to justify to myself that I could afford it / that it wasn’t that bad etc..

Once I stopped playing and ‘woke up’ to the reality of it – I was just so far behind and in so much debt it’s crazy… The figures would make all of your eyes water! – Fortunately though, I have a great job with a good income.. but even so, it will take at least 2-3 years from now to get some savings built up and get the debts down to near zero or a more manageable amount.

I’ve accepted this fact.. it was a hard fact to swallow considering I should have no debts and a lot of money put aside… this is what most people who know me probably think is the case.. ?? That shame was one of the driving forces of my playing – I would play high stakes to try and offset this fact and get back to where I should be. ￡100 slot spins and such.. Awful.

But now that I’m not gambling, I also don’t feel the need to obsess over my finances.. and instead just try to focus on being good at my job, living a simple frugal lifestyle and just being grateful for what I have.. I have so much to be thankful for – now I’m just allowing time to pass so that this horrible nightmare can be eroded away with time and things can gradually improve.

A little money aside each month – reduced debt each month.. and the hope that I can keep this up and get my life back on track

Thanks for reading ??

[i-did-it]

Well done Milk Tray man.
11 days is a fabulous achievement -and you have a plan in place for debts . You can see a good future ahead of you.
Great post

[MilkTrayMan]

Hi guys,

I am 15 days gamble free today, that was since a minor slip up with (thankfully) minor losses, it was another 15 days gamble free before that.

So in that last 30 days I’ve had one slip up – that’s a bit of a blot on an otherwise gamble free month, but I’m trying to focus on the positives rather than the negatives ??

I’ve found myself obsessing less over my finances and just allowing time to pass – I’m gradually coming to terms with my debt and how long it will take to pay it off.. it’s a big chunk of my life to lose but I think healing is all about coming to terms with that loss rather than trying to undo it or erode it by trying to win.

If I’m honest I have found myself going to the slot game manufacturer websites and playing the games on free mode… I don’t know why I do this, I guess I like to imagine it’s real and then when I lose over and over again it feels good knowing that it’s not real and it re-affirms my decision not to gamble.. it disproves any notion I might have that if I go for one big stakes session that I will win.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this for others though since it’s kinda like a nicotine patch for a quitting smoker and might foster that dependancy somewhat ??

I’m using an app called Way of life to track my gambling progress and other metrics in my life, currently the gambling side of it is trending down to almost completely zero.

Life is getting back on track- I have a tiny bit of financial room to wiggle which means no more payday loans ever again I hope.. and no more lying to myself ever again… or collapsing in tears promising myself I will quit.

it’s been a dark chapter – and I REALLY feel like I’m coming out of it now, I truly feel in this moment that after (almost) 30 days gamble free that I Will stick to it. But I don’t want to stop coming here and reading, I don’t want to forget what it was like.

Take care everyone!

[MilkTrayMan]

Hi guys,

Sorry I know this probably isn’t the most inspiring or dramatic thread to bump – but for now I still find it useful to document my progress somewhere ??

Today I am 38 days 100% gamble free – before that was another 15 days, so I’ve gambled once in the past 53 days. It feels good writing that.

It hasn’t been easy.. I wouldn’t recommend this to others but to satisfy the itch I was hitting the slot manufacturers websites and playing games on free-play, just simulating big stakes plays over and over until it’s drilled into me exactly what the actual odds are.

I did this a lot at first, and more recently I’ve started thinking “this is boring/stupid” and moving on to something else.. weirdly despite having the games in-front of me I’ve had no desire to play them with real money, I’ve played them so much on free-play that I now fully understand how unlikely a big win is.. you’d have to bankrupt yourself several times over to find one and it would never be more than you’ve lost.

Now that I’ve stopped doing this – stopped having anything to do with slots or gaming.. life is ok. Obviously one of the big things I have to deal with like many of you is debt.. I have a lot of it.

Since I’ve stopped gambling the situation has slightly improved as you would expect.. but it feels like chipping away at a mountain with a spoon. I should be out of the ‘danger zone’ within about 8 months, and fully paid off within maybe 2yrs.. that’s really depressing, that’s the real loss right there.. If I had never gambled, I would have no debt right now.. And that’s the bitter truth that most of us play to escape, it’s SO hard to swallow it and accept it.

In truth the ONLY way to accept it is to distract yourself and find happiness in life, try to stop obsessing over finances and just let time / hard work and frugality erode it away.

To anyone who’s trying to quit you can do it – make sure you track your progress daily, I use an app called Way of life.

Also make sure if you don’t have any hobbies – TAKE SOME ON!! Even if that means spending a bit of money and you don’t feel you deserve to.

Lastly – try to stop obsessing over your finances and looking for a way out – the way out is time, and every decision you make not to give in to gambling.

Thanks all!

[Johnny B]

congrats on your effort. I too am approximately 50 days gamble free. It is a difficult task, but I read once that all you have to do is not gamble today! The rest of time will take care of itself if we stick to one day at a time.. I for many years had stopped, and gambled “responsibly”, but there were always events which made me realize that maybe I am not cut out to “do it right”. I have found that these forums help me know I am not alone. It is amazing to me how all of our minds work alike. I don’t want anybody telling me I can’t gamble again, I want it to be my choice, which I am working on every day. I think that was always a trigger of mine, being told what to do, I hated that. We are adults, we make our own choices…but let’s make informed, rational decisions….always think before you leap….and in my life, the negatives far outweigh any positives that gambling can bring me.
Keep the faith!!!

[Johnny B]

I just ordered a book called “addiction by design” author: Natasha Dow Shull. I heard about it on another self help website. It dives into the design and the mathematics about slot machine gaming. The thrill of the spin and potential result is always more satisfying than the final result…. so the brain is always on high. Quite interesting, I have not dove too deeply yet, but it seems quite interesting. I have also seen a you tube video where they took a cg into a MRI machine and measured the brain activity during play and in between games… it is really interesting.
anyway….keep up the good work

[Yazar]

Yaz?lar