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]]>Hopefully I did my last bet today. Will keep writing in this thread everyday and keep you guys updated to try to distract my self from gambling. Have blocked my self everywhere now. Make this nightmare end.
Please if you got some tips let me know.
I am totally done with this gambling word. Time to get free. I am 27 years old. Its not to late i tell my self. So I really hope I stop this time.
Honestly. I am here to just write out my feelings. I have told noone about my problems so this is kinda a good feeling to write out some of them.
Thank you
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]]>My story started less than a year ago when I was casually browsing Twitch and stumbled upon Slots streamers. Not knowing what it was, I opened and saw one streamers overlay saying that he had deposited $150,000 today and while I was watching him play, I saw he cashed out nearly $4,000,000… Seeing that number, something clicked in my brain. I wanted to see if I could do the same thing.
During that moment, I had $10,000+ in my savings account and $5000 in my crypto investments. Salary that allowed me and my family to live a very happy life. Some say people gamble because of pain but for me, I was happy. I was a new dad to the most beautiful kid in the world. Happily married to the most caring wife I could ever hope for.
I deposited $200 on one of the crypto websites and really enjoyed my time there. Didn’t have any gambling addictions or anything. I honestly deposited because how much joy I was getting from spinning and discovering all these cool mechanics and beautiful artwork.
After depositing closer to $1200, I realized that something is wrong and I should probably leave the website and close this chapter in my life. At that time I actually managed to win $1200 back and it was perfect time to quit… I request a withdrawal but the crypto I had was going through maintenance and withdrawals weren’t possible. Instead of waiting for that maintenance to pass, I went back to gambling and lost it all.
Any smart person at this point would just quit and leave but I was afraid… Afraid of something so ridiculous that some of you might think I’m stupid (and I wouldn’t argue back). I was afraid that my dad would ask me about my savings (that he tends to ask quite often to see if I’m surviving fine in my adult married life) and I’d end up lying to him and then one day when we’d sit down to check it, he’d see my lies. I was afraid of being judged by my parents.. People who have trusted in me my whole life. I was afraid they’d think I’m a terrible head of the family for doing something so stupid when I just recently had a kid and I’m the only person working in the family.
Because of this fear, I went back to gambling.. I wanted to win my losses back and I was telling myself that I’ve been able to win a lot in the past so surely I can do that again.. That got me into losing my savings + crypto which was roughly $15,000.
At that time I discovered how easy it was to take loans with my income and took first $2,500 loan, then another $2,500, then $5,000 and eventually another $5,000. Now I was $15,000 in debt and $15,000 of my own money lost. Roughly $30,000 lost in about 3-5 months.
Shortly after such a bad loss streak, I managed to win $12,000 back and paid $7,000 of my debt back and kept $5,000 in crypto savings hoping that it would go up 2-3x and I’d be out of debt. Took my family on a nice mini spa vacation with the wins as I realized that I’ve missed nearly 5 months of my kids life.. I wasn’t there when my wife needed me… I wasn’t there to enjoy my baby’s new interactions how she was discovering the world. I wanted to fix that with my mini vacation.
Now that I only had $8,000 debt left with a monthly payments of $150, I was happy again for the first time in a while. I made a promise to myself that I will not let my gambling addiction I’ve acquired in a few months ruin me or my time with my kid. I self excluded myself from the casino and life was good for a short period of time.
After some time had passed, I went back to gambling on a new website thinking that I’ll just do a few small deposits to keep it interesting for myself at nights when everyone is sleeping and I have some extra time. This was probably the worst decision I’ve made during my life.
Very quickly I managed to lose that $7,000 that I had paid back to cover my debt and lost a lot more. I racked up $40,000 debt.
With everything combined now I was $55,000 deep and no light at the end of the tunnel.
A lot of dark thoughts came to my mind but I always said to myself that “don’t do anything stupid… Taking an easy way out will make your family suffer the most. I can’t leave my beautiful kid to grow without his dad.” So I never did anything but thoughts stayed in my head and they are still there…
During all this time, no one knew about my dark gambling addiction and I was too afraid to share it with anyone. I was again afraid that I’d be labeled as the worst dad/husband on the planet and afraid that my wife could leave me and take our kid with her. Which again I wouldn’t blame her for but I don’t want to lose her or my kid. They mean the world to me and I love them very much.
Last week happened something that I will be ashamed for the rest of my life.. It was my wife’s birthday and I opened my bank account to see that I only have $200 left. Making me panic and think what the …. have I done… How did I end up in a situation where I’m not even able to take my wife for a nice dinner on her birthday because I need to save the money to buy groceries next week..
Today I sat down to do some calculations on my debt and I realized that I’ve racked up nearly $1000 in a monthly debt for next 10+ years due to ridiculously high interest rates.. I realized that for next 10 years, I will not be able to save even $1 with my current salary because everything will go back to paying the debt… I’m not going to be able to buy fancy new toys or clothes for my kid… I will not be able to take my family even on cheap vacations.. My life is ruined for minimum of 10 years and I do not know what to do.
I thought about an easy way out again so my wife could sell the house, pay my debt and live her life without a terrible husband like me but I will not do it, I promise. That would just traumatize my wife and kid for life.
I closed all my casino accounts today and for the first time ever, I’m seeking help. My life is a mess, I see no way out and I’m hoping to find motivation from this website.
Please let me know how you fought your addiction. Please tell me what you did to make extra money to pay your debts… I’m already working 40 hours a week and I don’t want to take a second job and completely miss my kids childhood ?? Please motivate me to stay here with my wife and kid… Please tell me that my future will be better and I will be able to enjoy life with my family…
Telling my wife about my addiction is unfortunately not an option.. I know it might help me out and she might not judge me if she truly loves me but thats not the risk I’m willing to take. I’m not willing to lose my wife/kid… I just need to find a way to hide my debt and addiction for next 10 years ??
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