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Hi Sherrie
I can sense you are in a lot of pain right now.
Well done on coming and writing on your journal. This is the first step to fixing things.
Perhaps you could go to live support here or elsewhere also.Whatever mess you have made there will be a way through it . Can you check if there is a group and maybe go to that?
Things will get better even if it doesn’t seem like that right now.
Hugs xx -
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I am glad you got some sleep and feel a little better today. I hope you read the book. Incase you do not remember, it is Beyond Addictions by Jeff Rudd. I never read and when I picked it up I could not put it down. I read from cover to cover in a few days. It helped tremendously as I did not gamble for at least 5 months after I read. My problem is I always feel better, get complacent and get alway from what works for me. I am committed to staying active in some type of recovery. The better I feel, the more I will commit. Complacency has kicked my butt way too many times. I wish you well and I hope things work out for the best.
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It’s going to be okay as long as you don’t gamble again. Are the default notices on your house? If so, call the mortgage company. You may have to tell a little fib as to why you are late. There are different options that can help you. When I started my DMP, they pulled a credit check on me also. I couldn’t even tell you all the cards I had. $24,000! I have 15 more months and then they wiill be paid. Can you sell anything to make some cash to pay bills? You will get through this. You’ve taken the first positive steps!!! Be proud that you’ve done that. It isn’t easy and stopping smoking on top of that. I’m a ex smoker. Take care. Try to find something positive about today! Thinking of you!
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Hi Sherrie! I have been having some strange dreams lately. I can only remeber bits and pieces. I wonder what they mean or if they even matter. No gambling dreams for awhile. I hate the ones where we win and than wake up. Lol… I like the ones where we are loosing and chasing and are relieved to wake up and realize it’s just a dream. Had far too many real life gambling experiences when I wished it was just a dream/nightmare. Sorry I am rattling on your thread, I to did not sleep well and have been wide awake since 3:30 am. Ugggh!
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Hi Jen .
Your dream was really interesting .
I think it is about how we view the world – everybody else seems to be doing great – having holidays , going out for nice meal, generally having a good time and knowing exactly where they are going.
WE on the other hand seem to be always clinging on trying to make it until payday and never quite knowing if we will make it .Of course we can stop this nightmaRe by taking the actions we need to take but something seems to hold us back – ah yes our addicted brains hold us back and justify why we need to have available cash and access to gambling sites.
Jen you are doing really great – it is nice to chat with you although my chat access is somewhat unpredictable right now. Keep posting and keep strong my friend.
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Hi Sherrie, i understand that working three jobs must be very tireing even though they keep you busy and generate money to pay your bills.
Im glad to hear that you didnt gamble tonight even though the urge was there! Ive been struggling tonight aswell, youre not alone. Hope your dog is ok, i always worry when ours has been sick. Usually gone the next day though ??
Stay strong xx
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I am so sorry that you couldn’t get past the urge last night. If you read my journal, you will see that I had to do the same thing that you are doing now. It’s sad that we have to hit rock bottom before we recognize that we have to ask for help. Telling was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do but it was the best thing that I could do for myself in order to truly start to recover. I don’t think anyone can be harder on us than we are on ourselves. It will get better – not quickly – but we need to realize that in letting it out in the open, there is a huge weigh lifted.
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It seems as if you are working too hard for too little pay, Sherrie. I’m so sorry that some FATCAT will be lining his pockets with your money. I fed those money grabbers for years but not today…
A few years ago , when I was on a very decent salary, 85% went towards payment of gambling debt.
The thoughts that drove me to gambling were as follows ” I might as well be gambling because I’m working for nothing”
or “I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb”.
I realize, as you rightly point out,that I really cannot be trusted with money either. Apart from gambling, I can be very frugal at times but if I start spending (say at times like Christmas), I can lose the run of things very easily.
Also if I know there is a long wait until payday (like this month) I can get very panicky and start believing that “one good win” can sort it all out. The thing is I have had several “good wins” many times and they only led me to the next need to “sort it all out”!
This week/month/year has been G free for me, thank God. I also have to take some credit for it (God won’t stop us directly). At the start of the month I told my husband he would be coming shopping with me. He moans and groans which is a great excuse to make a detour to the casino on shopping trips ( one hour in the shops-ten hours in the slots)
We had 4 shopping trips. I had to buy 2 New Baby presents . I got him to check the prices . (His attitude is “if you want it buy it ; to hell with the price”) but after a few dirty looks and non contact kick in the shins, he agreed to buy the items with 50% off rather than the first thing that came to hand. ‘Hard on him, because I love buying baby clothes and would spent all day in the shops. The other two trips were for groceries. “Spend 50 , get 10 off” also drives him crazy because I add up the exact amount in my head to make sure I avail of that precious ten quid voucher…
Compare this frugality to our gambling spends, Sherrie.
We can be like different people on a different planet.
Don’t expect your husband to comprehend all this mind boggling dollop.
Just get him to be with you when you spend. Show him the receipts. Let him handle the money It will make you richer, it will still be YOUR money and you won’t have half as many temptations to gamble, knowing it isn’t possible.
Start again, Sherrie.
You are not alone. -
Awe Sherrie! I am so sorry that this addiction got a hold of you. I have been right where you are, time and time again. Do not beat yourself up. There is nothing you can do about what is already done. Well done, putting a barrier in place. I am thinking of you and pray you get the courage to tell your husband and that he will support you in the best way he can. You can do this!
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Sherrie! I have said and thought all of the above about myself. You are not a stupid idiot. You are someone who has a disease … yes!!! I do not care what anyone thinks. Gambling addiction is a disease. With that being said, we can do whatever it takes to keep it from destroying us. Tomorrow is a new day. I hope it is better than today. Hang in there my friend. I have faith in you.
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I understand it will not be easy telling him. However I do think it will be a load off your shoulders when you do. Who knows everyone is in a diffrent situation but from my own experience I feel it’s best to “lay all our cards on the table. When we stop living a lie it’s easier on ourselfs period. Just my thoughts.
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I have to agree with Jen. Telling my hubby was probably the hardest thing that I have done in my life but also one of the best. Once the lies were out there in the open, and he had control of all money, my health improved and I could finally think about things other than how I was ever going to get out of the hole I had created. I can’t promise that he will immediately understand but I’m sure he loves you and want you to get better. All I know is that it’s almost impossible to do this on your own. Especially for those of us who can’t be around the temptation of available money .
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I honestly believe it will get better from here. With hubby now knowing your darkest secret and controlling the finances, it somehow seems easier to stay away. I know when I told, I was just so relieved that he didn’t want to leave that it was a boost to me wanting to get better. Whenever you get the urge now, just either come on here and write or write in a journal. You will get frustrated with everyone and you will have triggers but if you write it down and figure out why you want to gamble it’s a little easier to defeat it. Like waking yourself from a nightmare.
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I hope you did the right thing, Sherrie.
Nothing is perfect .
I do know that secrecy caused me more stress than gambling and the more secretive I became, the more I gambled. I never “told”. In my case my husband knew I gambled. He baled me out hundreds of times, when I was in the early stages . I would cry and bawl and beg him to restore the money, I had lost, swearing on the Bible that I would never gamble again. That was in the early years. When the *h*t the fan and I ran out of funds and was up to my neck in debt, I had to come clean and tell him the exact amount I owed. He honestly reacted as if he didn’t believe me. He thought I was making it all up. Total denial. That’s when I knew for sure I was on my own in recovery. A VERY SCARY PLACE TO BE…As time rolled on, I became numb to the losses. No more tears. No more grovelling. I learned to borrow and do my dirty business in secret….the rest is history.
We all know our own spouses best.
My husband knows I gambled several time in 2018. He never once asked if I won or lost
He is just not interested. I think it would be cruel of me to tell him the details of my loss. I can pick up my own tab and move on.
The main thing is I have not gambled since December 26th and do not intend to ever again, one day at a time..
In my opinion , the biggest thing we risk we take by sharing our “secret” is that we will not be taken seriously.
Rejection can lead to further gambling.
Well done, Sherrie. Being true to yourself is the main thing. I hope you get all the support you deserve.
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Sherrie ,
A massive well done to you.
I don’t really know what to say about your dad- except that is a horrible way to react to someone you love . And he was right you weren’t his little girl any more and shame on him for not celebrating his grown up daughter.
Of course your husband was disappointed but he didn’t take down your pictures – instead he is trying to help you with something he probably doesn’t really fully understand. He is allowed to be disappointed but his reaction is the opposite of your dad’s.
It’s good that your wages will be there to pay your bills. We get ourselves into some messes but your bravery will ensure that this is the last time.
Well done my brave friend xx -
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Hi Sherrie, Your body needed the rest! You’ve had a stressful week. Telling Hubby was a big step! I think it’s always good to have support. Give him some time, he will be there for you. Getting control of your debts also is a big step. It’s easy for us to let it snowball. You are taking all the right steps to help your recovery. Keep going! Have a great weekend!
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Hehe Sherrie
I think when people advise us to tell our partners about our gambling they have a vision of a long suffering flawless Saint who will rush in and save us from ourselves.
In truth we are all flawed in our own way .Things will take a little time to settle but look at how much you have achieved today.
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Sorry to hear of the difficulties between you and your husband – but at least things are out in the open between you and you both know what you are dealing with. He is probably as much hurt by knowing about the lying as he is about the gambling. It might be worth him looking for some support for himself – on the families and friends forum on here or through counselling – maybe you could consider couples counselling. Have you got anywhere with your GP yet?
Good that you are keeping yourself busy with other things – although you were busy enough already!!
Take good care of yourself.
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I think it is really important that we look after ourselves when we are in recovery. I know I was picked up on for going to meetings with holes in my shoes – but I didn’t think I deserved anything better. A combination of low self-esteem and punishing myself for being so stupid as to gamble.
But as time went on, I realised that I wasn’t stupid to gamble – it was a combination of factors that led to an addiction – and illness that I needed to get better from. It wasn’t that I was a bad person – it was the behaviour that was bad not me. A bit like your child having a tantrum in a supermarket – you might hate the behaviour, but you will still love the child – perhaps more so because he or she is hurting.
So now is the time to love yourself, because you are hurting – literally from your illness, but also from the situation at home and the workload and the thoughts of what might have been had you not had that behaviour of gambling.
Yes get on with your work if you need to – but also take time for yourself when you can. Nice long soothing baths … enjoy!
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The first thing that my addiction counselor said to me was to be gentle with myself. We get nowhere wallowing in the “what might have been” and I agree with Steev that sometimes good people do not so good things. We’re already beating ourselves up over it on a daily basis, sometimes it’s worth telling ourselves in the mirror every morning, sometimes more than once a day. “I am a good person, I just did a bad thing. I am committed to avoid doing it again”. Don’t wait for that acknowledgement from someone else – give it to yourself.
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Stay Strong Sherrie. this may be one of the toughest trials you have faced yet. Stress may be a trigger for you so don’t give in to it. After work, have a cup of tea and a long hot bath. you deserve it. Write in your journal. We all know that there are days that can break our resolve. Don’t let this be one of them. You will feel so good, and so much stronger tomorrow if you don’t let today get to you.
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Hi Sherrie ,
That’s what barriers are for – for when the flesh is weak .
Give yourself massive credit for putting them in place.I am filled with admiration reading your thread.
I admire how you appreciate all your husband does despite his illness, and how supportive you are of him.
I admire how you are proactive in sorting out those bills – many of us hide our heads in the sand.
I admire how you are juggling all this and still holding down a job.You are like super woman.
Enjoy the pub- you deserve to let your hair down a little xx -
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I hear you Sherrie.
Too much red tape attached to payment of bills and DDs
I was in dispute with the bank over a 12 quid charge that I didn’t owe. They twisted around in their own favour.
For once I let it go.
They will always win (just like the slot machines)
Good to hear you rattled a few cages with your moody boss.
‘Bet she backed down?
Every bully is a coward.
Keep the “old man “sweet. They can be better friends than enemies!! lol! -
Well done on that – and the nice positive post. I know what you mean about new kitchens.
When I sell my house, I know the people buying it will gut it and then spend loads of money doing it up – all stuff I could have done if I had not been in so much debt. Still they are young and will have time to enjoy it – and I will be free to wander about the place.
Not sure if I will post much in the next few weeks as the house sale gets closer – but I will still look in to see how you are doing.
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Sherrie ,
You sound so happy !
The answer is yes she did gamble but has now shut it down and has her untouched wages in the bank and safe. I happen to know her.You have inspired me tonight. I want that feeling of happiness which you have – it’s leaping off my iPad.
A massive well done Sherrie – you deserve every moment of happiness! -
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Sherrie
I am reading
Over-thinking
Skin picking
Gambling addictionAnd I am thinking you absolutely should google a supplement called NAC.
If you forgive my straight talking – your mum is completely at fault.
As mums we have an absolute duty to make our children feel not only loved – but also likeable . Feeling liked by our parents is part of building well-being, self esteem and self value in our children.You are very likeable – I like you lots – and no one on here is going to think any less of you because you exercise your absolute right to express your opinion – whether that opinion is about GA or anything else. In fact many of us love a good debate.
Finally I wish I had the magic words so that you could put down that bag of self doubt which your mother has wrongfully filled on your behalf.
Think about all the things you would want to fill a bag with for a child you are raising.
Better still – draw that bag so you can look at it often. Pick it up and let this be your new bag which you carry through life.You are special and wonderful.xx
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Good words from idi.
Us girls have often discussed GA. it isn’t really for me, my experience with a sponsor wasn’t good hence I did the women’s programme at gma. He was gsmbling the whole time he was my sponsor and the steps tipped me right over the edge. And I agree re I am a cg. When we say I am it means we r that, in that moment and always will be. And it is a label i don’t relate to and see it as a very negative statement we make about ourselves I am a recovering gambling addict for me describes it better. Everyone has different views and we all respect each other for holding different views. We can disagree and it is ok, as long as we maintain respect for one another. So worry not that u may have upset someone with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have every right to your view and should feel free to express it.
Very well done on the job front. When we work recovery good things do happen. -
Thanks for your recent post on my thread. I don’t think GA is for everyone. I had the worst 1st experience with GA. It was male dominated. Thw group had been together for a long time. They actually bullied me. There were 2 other women there and at break suggested that I find another group as they didn’t really like newbies. I tore out of that parking lot and never went back there. I eventually found a group I liked. Now I live in a small town. No groups here!
I don’t think you offended anyone. You have a right to your opinion. -
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I went to GA in the early days of admitting my problem and carried on for several years and got very involved. Then I gambled again and felt that a) GA was part of the problem and b) that there was a lack of support when I needed it most. So I haven’t been to a GA meeting for at least 15 years. I can’t honestly remember when I last gambled on slots but it is problably around 5 years ago – and then it would have been a one-off.
So – GA is not the only way. I tend to recommend that people try it as it is a huge resource out there and some people will definitely benefit from it. But it is not for everyone and I can see that women (and perhaps other minorities) may have trouble making their voices heard. But then it is self-help. It is only self-regulated and is as good as the people who attend can make it.
No critic of GA would get any grief from me – we are all entitled to our opinions. I think this is a situation where you need to be selfish Sherrie. YOUR recovery comes first. It doesn’t matter what other people on here or in GA or elsewhere say or do – you need to put your recovery before anything else.
If leaving here means that you are more likely to gamble – then don’t leave. Don’t leave – keep strong and gamble free.
As for your mum. Family relationships are always the trickiest and I think there is some truth in the idea that most of our psychological problems start from there. Counselling may help. For me – it was my father that ignored me, abandonded me. I still sometimes work on this issue in counselling now – and I’m in my 60s!
Ok enough already – I must get back to clearing. Have a good weekend and speak again soon!
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Sherrie, Don’t ever worry about wether someone agreees or disagrees with how you feel or what you say. We are all entitled to our opinion and to do what works for us. Me personally, I never cared for GA. I certainly did not feel that “as a women I had trouble making my voice heard”. Never have and I never will feel inferior to men. (Annoyed by the comment) For me…. going to meetings just made me want to gamble. In any case do what works for you! Also… sorry to hear about you and your mom. I have not talked to mine since a few weeks before Christmas. Long story… you are doing Great my friend so keep doing what works.
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I love that your husband is saying “no” on your behalf. I remember ONCE in all the years I have been married, my husband stuck up for me..and as for enjoying days out…we won’t go there! Ah! The pressure cooker…I had two over the years. Both out of order now. I only use the base. I must get a new one. One tip. If you cook a full chicken for half an hour , pour oil over it, then place it in a very hot oven for a further 30 mins you will have the nicest roast chicken ever. Good luck with the study and the work.
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Hey less of the degenerate – you are a wonderful person who has had a problem with gambling but has now put that in the past and is dealing with the consequences head on.
I could say I have messed up my life – but when I think about it I started gambling at 16 – it became compulsive probably in my early / mid twenties – I started seeking help in my early 30’s and apart from a few odd occasions and ￡2 per week on the lottery, I have been gamble free from about 40. So given I’m 62 on Saturday – most of my life has been without gambling. That’s not to say that life hasn’t been messy in other ways – but if I hadn’t done something about my problem life would have been far, far worse.
And that will be true for you too. I have no clue as to how old you are – but I am sure when you look at things in your 60’s when you have been decades gambling free – you will see that, yes it was a difficult time – but it has helped to make you the strong, powerful and resourceful woman you will be.
In short-hand, this is just a snap-shot of a difficult period in your life. Don’t let it define you.
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Maybe your Husband is just feeling frustrated. It’s hard for someone who doesn’t have our addiction to understand. Maybe he could read a book about gambling addiction or online articles pertaining to gambling addiction. This may be useful. I’m so glad that you were not able to gamble. It would only make things worse. Stay positive. One day at a time!
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It takes a long time to regain trust in a marriage, Sherrie. Remember, there are two sides to every story. I don’t justify gambling, but we all had underlying causes for our addiction.
Would he agree to attend Marriage Counselling?
He is a lucky man to have you as a wife so don’t allow him to put you down so easily.
Gambling will prove him right so keep a cool head.
Sleep well
Things often seem different after a night’s sleep. -
Hi Sherrie,
Although I don’t comment often, I have been following all your posts because you sound so much like me and I keep rooting for you.
Number 1 – do not stop taking medication! I’m sure that after a good night’s sleep you will realize that the only person you will hurt is you. But maybe that’s where your head’s at right now.
You have fight left in you. dig it up and use it.
As far as your hubby saying that he will never trust you, never is a really long time. I find that with mine, he sometimes says things that hurt, but I have to realize that I hurt him too by not asking for help sooner. I think also that maybe sometimes he just has a bad day and misery loves company.
Write it off as a bad day and back at it tomorrow. You have made so much progress and I’m glad you put the safeguards in place to prevent the relapse. I know that mine have saved me numerous times and I’m no longer frustrated for long – more relieved. And I’m proud that I am strong enough to fight for me.
The trust in the marriage will come back – as so many others have said (to me as well) – it takes time. someone once compared it to an affair – only the mistress was a slot machine.
Keep fighting Sherrie, I’ll keep reading your posts.
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You are dealing with a lot sherrie and emotions come to the surface in early recovery. Why aren’t you taking your meds? What is the underlying reason? Is it meds where u r advised not to stop suddenly?
I also don’t have supports around me, it is me that is usually the support and in life that is really hard to deal with. Who is going to put their arms around me and say it is all ok. No one that’s who! Does that make me sad,? Not really. Get fed up with it every now and again. But I rely on my Heavenly Father and Jesus, each and every day.
I think it is what your husband has said that has upset you. You can gain his trust back sherrie. -
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Sherrie I have just been catching up on your thread . It appears that your tearfulness has coincided with you coming off for meds . Should u have come off without medical advice ? Perhaps you need to wean yourself off slowly .
I was brought up catholic too and I one of the most powerful things I have learned about God is that I don’t need candles , his mother, saints or anyone else to speak to God for me- I have discovered that he is always there , walking beside me through life – and I can turn to Him any time . He will listen and he will wrap you in his love . So please don’t worry about the candle going out .
God has you in the palm of his hand!
Just ask of him and you will receive . I have decided that husbands are strange beings – they drive us crazy and yet we are kinda fold of them lol.
If he doesn’t trust you that’s his issue- if your life had been perfect you would not have sought solace in gambling.
This is why I will never discuss my gambling with my husband – it will just be another stick to beat me with.
You deserve a husband who says “you made a mistake Sherie – let’s work it out together – you have always been there for me , now let me be there for you”.
If not what is the point of being married ?
Just my thoughts – keep talking Sherrie , keep making the right choices for you .
You deserve respect , kindness and to be loved no matter what mistakes you make in life. Xx
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Personally – I try to avoid taking medication as much as possible – especially stuff that makes me numb to my feelings. Having said that – if I was taking something – I would come off under medical advice and do so slowly so not to get unwanted withdrawal symptoms.
Recovering from an addiction is also difficult for partners / families. First there is the shock of finding out – then there is the realisation of the damage it has caused, debts etc. Then there is the realisation of having been lied to in the past. I think sometimes the partner feels left out as all the attention is on the gambler and there is almost this “but what about me?” going on in their mind.
I don’t know what ids are either – but maybe it is a personal word for “I am all over the place – so I’m sorry I shouted but I really am only just holding it together.” At least you had an apology – hold onto that. Try talking – opening up when you both feel safe enough to do it and involve him as much as you can. I wish you well …
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Hi Sherrie, the general chat was good of course and i hope it helped, you always give good input.
Just thought I d say though that if you ever do want to do that Topic we would be focussing on how to move forward from the guilt etc, positive stuff not dwelling on it.
Keep posting and well done on your gamble free time. Oh and on completing that assignment. ??
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Thanks for your post to my thread, Sherrie. I have been doing a bit of selling and back at GA . Both involve travelling, so I’m not around GT very much. When I put something up for sale, I become very obsessive…checking, checking, checking….not the best occupation for a CG but I do make a small bit of money. I might get one of those pressure cookers when I save a bit more. Sounds brilliant. I looked it up online. You said you didn’t get “best at anything” on your workshop trip How about best wife, best cook, best driver… Get CUPRINOL for the woodworm and inject it with a syringe. Depends on how extensive it is and the type of timber (my old man is just telling me all this) Hubby might cook a meal for you for if you heal the woodworm! You sure have a busy life. Did himself recover from the extraction?
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You’re a good person! We don’t get to pick our family members. If someone is toxic, you have the right to cut them out of your life. My Mom is toxic and I see her on my terms and when I want to. My Sister turns toxic around my Mom.. I treat her the same as my Mom. My Mom has gone to the extreme measures of trying to turn my 2 grown Daughters against me but didn’t succeed. Very vindictive and evil.
It took many years to come to that point and a lot of pain. You had the insight at a young age to recognize that. Ir has spurred many gambling binges!!! It’s good that you recognize the connection.
Sherri, take care of yourself first and everything else will follow. Do what’s right for you. Follow your gut instincts. You are doing well. Keep going! -
Another interesting and full day.
As for the church thing – I sometimes put off going to places or meeting people because I feel miffed that they haven’t made the first move. Then I realised that sometimes I was making things bad for myself – not them. So if you feel you NEED to go to church – do it. Don’t let others put you off – remember put your recovery first. Have a good Sunday. -
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Good points Sherrie. Next time you are in a “Normal” group we can look at this if you like. To give you somethign to think about between now and then my brief thoughts are…
1. My initial motivation was being in the chit! that changes though as we progress in recovery, we need to find a new motivation after climbing out of the messy stuff.
2, I agree, it is what actions we are prepared to take that show if/how motivated we are. Words and promises never stopped us gambling.
3. Yes, by keeping doing the things that are working but also being prepared to change/add things if needed – when I relocated and was out of work I was getting to 3 meetings a week instead of my usual 1; I knew I was vulnerable. Finding a new motivation/reason to continue recovery after the initial pain as passed as well. For me seeing the benefits of not gambling really helps.
Thanks for the input Sherrie, see you soon.
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Hey sherrie, i think i get where you are coming from. You have a desire to do good and help out when you can like with your collegue at work. It’s good setting up limits – i have even though it means shutting someone out but being someone who always wants to please everyone else cause we think that it’s making us a better person actually does not mean that we are doing ourselves or anyone else a favour. The last thing my counsellor said before i walked out today was – dont beat yourself up over everything. I kind of get where she was coming from.
Love jez xxx
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I tried to create an online wallet using hubby’s bank card so that I could gamble. The banks fraud dept. called him at stupid o clock to report the suspicious activity and as soon as he heard it was for betting he knew it was me. He cried alot and wouldn’t talk to me so I ran away. He talked me into coming home about 4 or 5 o clock. I am tired. He is dissapointed in me. I am a big fat liar.
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If it had worked, had you thought about how you would explain it to hubby when he eventually found out?
It makes you realize just how much of a hold gambling really does have on us. Even when things are back on track and we’re feeling happy with life and better about ourselves, that CG hand can just pull us back in so easily.
So we have to think.. was there something that happened that triggered this and if so, how do we confront it next time?
Because there is always an “next time”.That “middle of the night thing” was always my biggest downfall.
Stay strong Sherrie. You are not a crazy lady – you just did a crazy thing. Forgive yourself and move on. No one ever said this was easy.
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There’s no point in being hard with yourself over this. You tried to get money to gamble with. It didn’t work – if it had, things may have been even worse.
Now is the time to regather and get into your recovery. Counselling? GA? One-to-one on here? I hope things are ok with you and hubby. Take care!
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Sorry you missed out on the job this time, Sherrie.
“What’s for you, won’t go by you”so, this job wasn’t for you.
Lent is a great time to reflect on our lives. I hope to fast and get my life in order.
I’m heading into it with awe.
Just home from a meal out with 2 family members. I missed out on their 50th birthday last year (due to gambling) so I was delighted to be able to treat them to a meal. They bought the dink so it was affordable.
You work very hard, Sherrie.
Maybe you could save up and plan an Easter break for you and hubby.
You deserve it. -
I know giving up control is difficult and seeing him buying stuff brings up feelings of “fairness” for you. But you aren’t gambling at the moment and that it the big thing.
You do seem to alternate in how you feel about your relationship – close and then far apart. Talking about your feelings when you are close may help, as may bringing in a third party – either you talking to a counsellor or seeing someone together. Remember he is in recovery too – he is getting used to the new you who is not gambling but is (probably) emotionally in turmoil because of not gambling and not using the usual prop to deal with the stuff – both of the here and now and of the past.
It is great that you are posting about your feelings here and that you are open to others commenting. I hope you can take something from what I have said and discard that which doesn’t speak to you. Go well.
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Sherrie ,
I couldn’t give up control of my money for the exact reasons you describe. Is there someone else you could trust to manage your money , like perhaps your Aunite? You work hard and should have some benefits of not gambling or else what is the point in stopping?
I find myself wondering if this could have been a trigger in the first place which started your addiction? It seems to me that if hubby didn’t buy himself all those goodies you could drop one of your jobs.
I may of course be completely misinterpreting your post, and apologies if I am , but it does appear that you carry all the financial burden for your home and that is a lot of pressure and could drive anyone to find an excape .Xx
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AS I understand it, the whole point of handing over control of money is to keep it safe. It will still be YOUR money albeit in the care of a RESPONSIBLE person who releases amounts to you for what you want and when you want (need) it.
The whole point of this exercise is to prevent you spending money on gambling . It is a mutual agreement between two equals.
Not a chance for the 2nd party to have field day at your expense.
This is very unfair (bordering on control ) action on your husband’s part.
Please do not allow him to put you on the back foot, Sherrie. I would put an end to that arrangement, pronto. As IDI said it would be enough to drive me to the hell we are all trying to escape from.
You asked him for help , not for punishment.
It actually makes me mad to read about this , Sherrie.
If this post offends you in any way, I will remove it.
Sounds as if you need Marriage Counselling as per Steve’s post. -
I agree with idi and Vera. You don’t give someone Control of your money for them to spend it. I gave money to my sons to look after when I had stopped gambling. Both spent it, one paid it back pronto, still awaiting the other which will come in time. But the point is I realised this wasn’t helping me and actually making things worse. So I had to take control and I manage my own money now. Still overspend on clothes this year in particular but I feel like I am emerging out of a chrysalis.
On another matter, when you say you do things with files, what exactly is it you do? Just curious.
Balance in relationships isn’t easy. When I entered well into recovery my relationship had to end as I just wasn’t facing things, and I ended up asking him to move out. We r, of,course, the best of friends now. -
Hi Sherrie. I know you are finding it hard with your partner in control of your finances – but are you certain you are ready to take back control yourself? I would hate to see you undo all the hard work you have put into your recovery.
I could see that we were only getting one side of the story – but I still feel that talking to someone about your relationship would be a good idea – calling yourself a “basket case” is a self put-down but it may mask the fact that you have difficulties that you are not dealing with. I know I used gambling to put off doing the difficult things that were necessary for me – and yes I do worry that you might be doing the same.
Similarly – journalling seems to be really working for you – so why stop? If you don’t want me to comment on things just say so … I won’t take offense! It is your journal – you are in control here at least.
Yes you are not suicidal anymore and I am glad that this site has helped you with that – but please don’t abandon it now when you are starting to feel better. That was a pattern for me and generally led to a relapse and back on the treadmill of gambling and “recovery” and gambling again. You deserve better than that.
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I am glad you posted and hope u continue to do so. It helps to have somewhere to talk about how we feel.
Sometimes it’s difficult when people mean well and want to provide support but we r as human as the next person when we may hold views or have experience that is quite different to how it feels for ourselves in those relationships. I have experience of that on this site. People care about you. We rvhere to support you.
None of my family would ever do counselling from the top of it down the family lines. I was the only one so it was pointless. Many years ago in the early 90s family therapy was suggested as my family were quite dysfunctional. No one but me would do it, so I get it.
Hope u feel better from the methotrexate, a strong drug, and I really hope you keep journaling. -
Hi Sherrie.
I think your journal is honest and real.
I hope you continue with it but do what’s best for you.I feel misunderstood on my threAd and In groups so often- especially when I try to explain how being with my mum sabotages my recovery. I get comments like you can’t blame your mum or you must accept responsibility and I feel totally unheard in what I’m trying to explain . I get accused of enabling my mum( who gambles with or without me) and somehow always feel attacked when I discuss this biggest obstacle to my recovery.
Unfortunately close relationships are never so black and white – all kinds of history, behavioural and relationship patterns , issues and sub-issues come into play. No one really can understand or pass judgement on these.
It is the same with the relationship between you and your husband . I have to admit that I can imagine nothing worse than sitting with a stranger and discussing my problems in person, and yet I know many people get so much from counselling . We are all different and there is no one size fits all.
I am so sorry if I caused you any offence – I hope you continue to post but really you must do what’s right for you.I’m afraid I don’t really know very much about drugs but I hope whatever treatment you are on is helping .
Xx
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Sorry to hear you’ve been ill, Sherrie.
If it was serious the doc would have phoned back as soon as the blood results came. Some take longer than others.
Well done on sticking to your Lenten promises. I cheated a bit. Off cake, sweets and all desserts but cheated a bit by having bread and jam.
I don’t drink , smoke or gamble so those habits are easy to resist.
Enjoy your music and your book.
GET WELL SOON x -
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And that you managed to resist the temptation of the Grand National.
Also good that you are getting on with your uni work – sounds like you have a plan. Have you a choice about your next period of study or is that already set for you?
It feels like quite a while since you last gambled … I’ve kinda lost track – but keep it going and keep posting. -
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So good to hear your news – and did you notice something?
No mention of gambling whatsoever!
I think that’s great – you seem to be getting on with and enjoying the things that matter to you. I hope as the days get warmer and longer that you can wear more and more dresses and your training goes well for the long run.
Take good care of yourself!
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It’s so nice to see that you are doing well, Sherrie. As a fellow Uni student, you give me hope that I too can get through a gambling recovery process and taking care of my other responsibilities (such as my studies).
Getting 90% is top tier grade, which is impressive! I can understand why you must be ecstatic – go celebrate it and don’t let anyone bring your mood down because that is, I’m sure, well deserved ??
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This seems to have been the week for relapses. I keep writing that it what we do as gamblers we gamble. I know it is hard, but try not to beat yourself up about it.
You will get through til payday. I guess you are going to have a difficult talk with hubby – he will feel let down. Can you get him to be more involved in your recovery? He can see now how it affects him as much as you.
Learn from your relapse – what was the trigger? What feelings did you go through? At what point could you have stopped yourself, so that when you hit that point again you can do something different, call someone, talk to someone.
It is good to see you back here – sorry it is in such difficult circumstances. Redouble your efforts and keep strong. Speak again soon.
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It puzzles me how strange we are about money. I would agonize about which brand of beans to buy and yet think nothing of putting ￡50 into a machine which gives me nothing.
One thing I do know is that money brings up feelings and feelings are not good things to act on. My main feeling around money is one of guilt. Here’s an example. I didn’t have a holiday for 10 years – so I decided to go out walking instead. Free right. After a while I decided to do part of the trans-pennine trail, a long distance walk that passes nearby. You’re a Yorkshire lass – so you’ll know it. That was fine for the first few days / weeks. Then as I got further into it I had to drive to start points – I remember the agony of that … something like “I can’t just drive out for a walk!” Eventually, of course, I got to a point where it made more sense to stay overnight somewhere than to drive there and back a few times. So my first holiday was the other side of Doncaster in a motel with paper-thin walls and no breakfast. And I still thought, “I SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.”
Yes there were money worries at the time and I was feeling it was wrong not to put every last penny into paying debts off – but I also (with my thinking head on) knew that ￡30 was not going to make a lot of difference – and I needed to change my life in some small way … the way I wanted it to go.
So it could be that the feelings you get around money are a trigger for you. Time perhaps to take deep breaths and break away until you can think clearly about what you need (in terms of the shop) and if you can really afford the wants (those extras that make life worthwhile – you still deserve them!)
Whilst I’m here – can I just say it is not useful to think in terms of always and never. “I’ll never go on holiday / I’ll never get a new car.” You don’t know that and it will bring you down to dwell on those things. There may be ways in which you could blag free holidays. My friend goes dog sitting and gets at least one or two free stays a year looking after mutts. Or you could (if you have the energy) look into working holidays – where you do some work to pay for your board and lodgings somewhere. https://wwoof.net/#destination https://www.rspb.org.uk/get-involved/volunteering-fundraising/volunteer/residential-volunteering/
But I guess my idea of a holiday might be different from yours! ?? -
As Steev mentioned above, it’s been a week full of many of us relapsing. So Sherrie, I am right there with you. My finances are also a trigger for me with the stress and anxiety they bring. But I made a decision last year to do something about that for myself.
I have always had a very negative relationship with money, never learned about it as a child, lost everything I owned (house included) at age 25. I watched my parents struggle all their lives, go bankrupt multiple times and when my father passed 5 years ago mum’s words of shame will always sit with me. “I’ll never heal from your father having zero estate when he died”. In fact, I discovered he had 80k worth of credit card debts at age 67 that I went through lawyers to get written off.
So money has always confused me, stressed me out big time and I even grew to hate it. I was ready to change how I felt about it last year. I signed up to complete a certificate course, night school, in Personal Financial Money Management. While it didn’t help me to earn more or get into an easier position quickly, it did completely change my attitude with money. I went in hating money, being told I was never allowed to discuss it with my partner (very wealthy) at the time. I came out confident, excited, willing to openly talk about money and begin to face it head on instead of hide from it.
When you say you won’t ever have a holiday or nice car, I know from experience that kind of self talk is limiting in what we can achieve there. My tutor asked me about holidays, and this was before I had any kind of win gambling. I told him I can’t ever afford holidays. I win them instead. While that second part was true (I’ve been extremely fortunate enough to win some amazing holidays) it’s not a game plan in life, and me planning to rely on luck was always going to ensure disappointment.
Make it through to pay day. Make it through after that to your next pay day. If you remain gamble free you will see each pay day begging to make a difference, even if it’s small. I now force a though into my head when I am tempted with thoughts ed gambling. I ask myself “can I afford to loose this $100?”. Of course than answer is no, and the stress at the thought of losing it and having to go without even more sometimes helps me pull away.
I’m back on day 3 of not gambling. The last relapse has caused me huge loss and anxiety in my life. But I’m looking forward to day 4 tomorrow. One day at a time, one pay day at a time.
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This is a difficult time for you and I don’t know if I can give any advice right now. Except to say that I am sure you can get through this.
And when you get through this remember how horrible it was and vow never to go there again. Recommit to your recovery and do all you can to stop. I know you can do it. -
Hi Sherrie. I’ve known you for a while now. You were at your strongest in recovery when you were a regualr in the groups here, were getting to GA and were actively working on your mindfulness stuff. Get back to what was working.
Getting back in the black will be god of course but it will also give you available gamblign funds again. What barriers can you put in place so that you are less able to do so?
See you soon in a group I hope.
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You are not too broke to be fixed!!! That was a disgusting, mean thing for anyone to say especially someone whose job it is to help others!!!
Hang in there! I’ve been on a DMP for quite some time and I’m seeing results. Don’t give up! You need to find something that works for you. GA is hard since you’re dealing with so many personalities. Some groups I’ve fouind helpful and some, I got up and left never to return. It’s not for everyone.
RG turned me on to the Allen Carr book about gambling. I’m finding it very interesting and relating to what he is saying. Maybe give it a try???
You’re never alone. We are here to support each other. Keep your chin up!!!!! -
Good luck with your exams on Tuesday.
Did the counselling line really say that or r they only able to deal with simple things? Is it you telling yourself u r too broken? Because no one is too broken to turn it around.
I get what u say about the docs, The system is in a mess but all surgeries have a process for urgent appointments even if it takes hanging on the line or pitching up first thing in the morning.
There r some difficult days no doubt in recovery with Health and debt issues that I also know more than most but don’t give up. Tomorrow is another day and good things can happen.
I don’t have a car, dont drive and I rent my home. Yes, I blew a lot of money to destitution but I don’t spend wasted time in regret over those things. For me it was a huge learning about myself. There really is only now and dealing with the now.
Keep posting sherrie, we missed u when u didn’t post. -
I’ve been reading back through a few members earlier posts to learn more of their stories, their strugglers, their achievements and progress. I know I don’t know you and am new to this forum myself, but through your posts I gather you are much stronger and more determined than you might be believing right now. I hear in your words how much you want to change this, get through this crippling addiction and how ready you are to be done with it.
A parking ticket that you can’t afford will of course be a huge trigger for emotions and being completely over it. I get it. I think we all get it. My car was rear ended by someone a few weeks ago who ended up doing a runner, leaving me with having to find $500 for insurance excess when I had so little. What did I do? I panicked and started gambling again. $10,000 later and in tears in the isolation of my own home where I live alone I now had a real problem on my hands, much bigger than insurance excess.
My point it, it’s these triggers and financial challenges that can push us to just giving up. It’s exhausting, it’s isolating, it’s suffocating. But the only way for us to change our current situations is slowly, day by day, pay day by pay day, with the support of others who understand completely where you are.
You sound like a woman who is far from being too broken to fix. You have drive, you have determination… and remember in Japan they fix broken pottery with gold, showing the flaw with new beautiful imperfection.
Let us know how you are feeling when you make it through to payday with the half yearly bonus you mentioned. I hope this will help you to see past right now.
We are here to support you. Hugs from New Zealand
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i have been reading your journal and think that you are truly amazing..you have inspired me to hang in there. I cannot believe with so much happening in your life..you can work 2..3 jobs and still study..and pass for that matter. God bless you and you give hope for all of us. ..BTW , I share your sentiments about GA.
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And finding better(?) ways of spending your time than gambling. (I was proud I didn’t need to look up COD!)
It’s fine to look forward to good news – I am sure the exam result will be fine … and hopefully by then you will have a bit of money to celebrate with.
Glad you didn’t take the gambling bait – the bin is the best place for that. Keep strong and keep posting!
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Well done on getting through until payday and all the best in your application for the new job. I hope that works out for you too. You haven’t mentioned any gambling thoughts and I trust that is because there are none! Concentrate on the non-gambling side of your life and things will work out. Good to hear from you.
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Yes you are right – noone else gets it. I, the gambler, am responsible for my own actions and I can’t expect those that don’t have the problem to understand me or my urges. Lets face it – if we really wanted to bet, we would, whether family members or friends were looking out for us or not.
Glad that you are not having urges and that you are keeping going. Try and include something good for you in your busy life. You are working hard – you deserve a treat now and again. Speak soon.
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You wrote: “I feel so desperately alone sorting out everything.”
That struck a chord with me. I know when I was in debt and worrying – I felt that I had no-one to turn to. In fact a couple of friends did lend me money when I was really desperate and I paid them back when I sold the house, but that didn’t stop me from FEELING that I was alone … I guess it’s back to feelings and thinking again.
You did really well in thinking your way through the situation and you know you can do this again when the feelings come up and threaten your gambling sobriety.
I really enjoy your posts.
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I always thought you lived by the sea – dunno why I thought that …
I think you could do with a break – what with all the work you have been doing lately … just make sure you keep away from those gambling resorts!
I think you have pretty strong willpower given how long you have been gamble free (if you add up the time before your ‘slip’ and your time since,) but more would always be good.
Anyways keep looking after yourself and have a great gf weekend.
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Speaking as someone who has been there, it will pass. My direct debits all bounced, I had a repo order on my home and I came out of that. You will too.
Have you just got until Wednesday to go?
You’re right, the holiday pay issue is t right, u should challenge him on that. I hope u get a counselling appointment soon. -
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Hi Sherrie
You are doing really great. I also started a thread in the gamcare website but I haven’t updated it -I will look u up there.I have been having some counselling also and it is helping so much it makes me wonder why I put it off for so many years .
It’s great to have a brain that can think about other stuff .
Take care Sherrie xx -
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I know when I relapsed back to gambling – especially towards the end of my “career,” the amount of financial damage was less but I actually felt worse afterwards – because I felt a) I had let myself down and b) that I was a failure. But that was the wrong way of looking at things. If I had a year of not gambling and gambled for 3 days and lost say 300; then that was 300 over a whole year – less than 1 a day – and when “in action” I would have taken that.
The trick was to STOP once I had realised what I was doing and to have the courage to come back and admit to myself and those supporting me, what had happened. Then to examine it and find out what the triggers were and what I was not looking at in my life.
I have a lot of gut problems now – so I look out for any pain and try and deal with it as soon as it occurs. It is not pleasant but it is an indication that something is wrong. So were my relapses.
Sorry to go on – but I hope some of this helps. Find out what is going on and work on that – then the urge to relapse should reduce. Well done on your 30 days – keep well. -
There are ad blockers for most internet sites – the one I use is called ghostery and is free … I think there is one simply called ad block – which claims to work on facebook as well … it might be worth giving that a try. Otherwise just keep hiding the ads on fb and eventually they will get the message.
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Just read your last 2 posts, and oh my goodness you are killing it! It makes me wanna double, triple my own efforts haha. It’s so nice to read about someone being so productive, it really motivates me! With regards to the ads, as Steev mentions, Ad-blocker is your friend. I use chrome and it’s literally a one-click download. But it’s not gonna take you all the way there. The ads that make it through usually have an option in the corner, where you can like to report it. Whenever I see gambling add or something I don’t like to see, then I report it and mark it as not relevant/inappropriate/find it offensive. As long as you stay away from any sites, that the algorithm could potentially classify you as a person with interests in gambling, those pesky and annoying ads will be gone by the end of the month – worked for me.
– Chris
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Hi Sherrie
I over indulged a little myself last night but am just about able to keep going – I hate this feeling but I guess it’s ok once in a while.
You are a very hardworking person who takes pride in each job you do no matter what it is – that makes you the perfect employee ! You are always generous to others in work with your time and your knowledge – I am sitting here wishing I worked with you !
Life seems to be going really well for you and you deserve it.I think everyone should have a counsellor every week! I think once we reach an age (or have addiction) there is no one to say well done – you made a good choice -like our mummies did when we were little- but we still need to hear it.
GA I didn’t like either Sherrie but yes some of their stuff is good but most of it I find really annoying when it is quoted “at” me!
Keep strong Sherrie – you are doing so well
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Been thinking of you today and hoping that things are good for you.
It’s a new month and the kick-start to Christmas. I hope it is not too stressful for you and that you can have a real break when you get there.
I hope you know that you have the support of many on this site and it will be good to chat again in the near future.
Wishing you well …
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Hello Sherrie I am Shawn from Trinidad We briefly met online chat. I am here for your company. you are amazing. please believe people do care about you. the following is lyrics from a song written by Seether Rise above this
Take the light, and darken everything around me
Call the clowns, and listen closely, I’m lost without you
Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this
Hate your mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know this void will grow
And everything’s in vain, distressing you, don’t leave me open
Feels so right but I’ll end this all before it gets me
Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down,but I’ll rise above this
Call your name everyday when I seem so helpless
I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this
I’ll mend myself before it gets me -
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Hello. Sherrie you are gonna be a better person for this moment on. Believe in yourself. Observe the words your are saying to yourself. Be mindful of the thing you allow into your life, be aware of your thoughts. You can start doing self talk mirror talk speak affirmation to yourself each day. Stop and be positive. see things that not seen. You are an amazing person. Be thankful that you are amazing always from this moment on.
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Keep that mind set follow the tread on this forum keep your mind activate on positive affirmations daily. keep on doing what you do best for you in keeping a poistive energy and mind set.
Focus on attaining a perfect health now rewire your mind daily with uplifting words to encourage you to start living your best life now.
Thank you for keeping up your progress
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