[JordanG]

To whom may read this:

I have just come to the realization this week that I am a compulsive gambler. Thankfully I found this site before it got too bad.
Writing this out I believe is going to help me on this journey, as well as the feedback I have been receiving
in the chat rooms has been incredibly helpful this week.

I am soon to be 30 and over the the past decade I have only ever wagered seemingly small amounts, but in different forms of get rich quick schemes.
Whether it be gambling, day trading, cryptocurrency or lofty business ideas. I have also suffered from substance abuse in the past that lead me into
bouts of depression and antisocial behavior. I started using marijuana in my late teens all the way up to a year ago, while abusing other various drugs in my early
twenties. I was never much into alcohol as I saw it tear other family members apart, so I can be grateful for that. Thankfully I haven’t used a drug in over
a year now, which is a huge milestone for me, as I reflect on that writing this. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I overcame it but now, I have
another vice (gambling) that reared its ugly head over the past week, and it is time to tackle that problem as well.

I do have a seemingly decent life with great salary, bills paid, vacations here and there, a beautiful gf, supportive friends and family
and all the material things I could ever really need. But for some reason there has always been a void I have been trying to fill or self-sabotage as I make wins in my life.

Last week showed me plain as day that I do have a problem with gambling. I have played online poker over the past couple years for fun.
Would deposit $100 bucks and would play for a weekend or two. Lost it and go about my life. I hadn’t play for a good 6 months or so until last week though.
Had a dispute with my gf, and something triggered me to go throw a $100 in on some online poker to distract myself. Lost it. Threw in another couple hundred
and started playing blackjack. Hadn’t played blackjack in a long time. Lost that money as well. All said and done I threw in roughly $1,000. But this time I didn’t lose.
I was up $5,000 and was stoked and went to bed. Next day I logged back on, and was up to $10,000. I was on fire. I never won this much before. Needless to say,
I end up going on a streak and winning almost $50,000. I was set up for life. I was on such a high, that all the drugs I had ever taken didn’t amount to this. I thought
the online casino was broken quite frankly. But every one knows where it goes from here.

Yup. I lost it all.

I spent the rest of the weekend losing a small fortune, and putting close to 15k on my credit card. I just couldn’t stop until I got it back. Every 1k I would put in would vanish in no time.
No discipline whatsoever. I had never seen this side of me before. Luckily I have saving to cover this, but I am still out 15k. Taking it as another life lesson, I guess.

I have spent the past few days on no sleep, and in a daze. The rollercoaster I was in this past weekend has really put me through the cleaner. Last night I was able to get a decent
nights sleep and I am starting to feel grounded again. But the trauma I feel like I have been through is overwhelming. I was ecstatic to tell my gf and family of my winnings and now I sit here
in shame from my losses. I should be able to pull myself out of this in the next 6 months, but this experience has taught me a lesson for life. I hope that I can refrain from toying with my money,
from here on out. I work too hard to just spend it on foolishness. I am grateful that I haven’t done more damage, but to me this was a sign that enough is enough.

This has been my first day not gambling and I thank this community for the support I have received thus far. My biggest hurdle that I am dealing with right now is not even the losses that I suffered but the remorse
of not stopping while I was ahead. I wish whoever takes the chance of reading this could give me some thoughts on that. Thanks, again.

[Ryan123678]

Did similar last week on slots won 7k was so happy went back on got another 2k then lost it all from there. Couldn’t sleep and felt physically sick for days. Can’t see how I can recover as I am disabled and although a small amount compared to some on here it will be impossible for me to save that money and I can’t stop feeling guilty for the things I could have done with family with the money

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Steev]

Good to read your post Jordan and good to talk to you on chat the other night.

What I hear from reading between the lines is someone who feels restless despite having done well in life.

It sounds as if you have come from a difficult family situation with alcohol playing a part and yet you have, to use your words, “great salary, bills paid, vacations here and there, a beautiful gf, supportive friends and family …” Many people on here would be very happy with that!

Yet it is not enough – and you feel you need to gamble to gain more … what exactly? I think a clue maybe in what you said about your big win … “I was ecstatic to tell my gf and family of my winnings …” The ecstasy was not in the win itself but in the telling of this to your loved ones … I wonder if the remorse is linked to the shame you feel about losing – about not being able to tell of your losses to anyone close to you?

It is clear to me (and I trust to you too) that you have a problem with gambling – and I am glad that you don’t feel the need to chase losses. Gambling – like substances is not going to fill the need that you have which I think is something like raising self-esteem.

I think if you could find some way of talking about these feelings to a counselor or supportive self-help group, this would help you to move on with your life and accept the great things which are happening to you without feeling the need for more. Most counselors will offer a first session for free or at a discounted rate and I feel it is important to find someone you feel you could work with – which is often more useful than the type of counseling on offer.

In the meantime there are a number of self-help books on addiction and its links to low self-esteem, mainly concentrating on alcohol but you can read and adapt – John Bradshaw is one author to look at and there will be links to several more.

Great that you have come here to share your story and I hope you can find the time to let us know what happens in the future. I wish you well.

[JordanG]

Yeah Ryan, I just couldnt stop coming back. I would take a break thinking I was king of the world. Then come back and try for more. And I just didn’t have the discipline to say enough is enough. You’re up. Just leave. 

Just recovering today from the no sleep and sickness. Never want to be in that state ever again.

[JordanG]

This response hit like a ton of bricks, Steev. I appreciate your absolute truth. Self-esteem is probably the nail on the head. I see a lot of people in my line of work with huge homes and fancy cars. Youtube videos of people younger than me on top of the world. I tell myself on a regular basis that I am lucky in life, but maybe I don’t really believe that in my subconscious.

I have begun looking for a counselor. I am going to try to talk it out. And I will look into John Bradshaw as well.

You’re right. Why do I feel inadequacies when in reality I have more than most.

I appreciate the time you have taken to give me insight on what I need to realize about myself. I truly thank you.

[MurrS7]

Your story is very similar to mine and many others on here and basically the end result of every compulsive gambler. The only good thing I can say is your binge happened very fast. It’s like someone that passed away quickly vs someone who suffered from an illness slowly over time and then died, like most people on here battling this demon for 1,2,5,10,20,30 years of the feeling you have after that loss. Imagine feeling that feeling over and over week in and week out of relapsing for so long. You felt it, you learned from it, you admitted you have a problem, and you will now never make that mistake again I can almost promise you that just by reading your post and seeing how upset you are. What stuck with me most is a similarity to myself in which sparked your first bet, a fight with your lady. I was the same way.. every time my gf and I would get into a fight, I would travel to the casino to gamble – I would forget about all of my problems while I was there. The second thing is the substance abuse, I too was and still am going through that to this day, guys like us who have been through that love to gamble because it gives us the same euphoria that drugs did and like you I was able to quit drugs way easier than I was able to quit gambling. You mentioned you have a lot of great things going for you man- great job, gf, material items… we all want that stuff and then we realize once we have it, something is still missing. I wish I could tell you what it was and I wish I could figure it out myself, but I think we will one day. Counselling is a great option for sure in which I have tried with some success- trying to go back and figure out deep rooted issues why we used drugs, gambled, filled voids with things that released dopamine and made us forget about our issues. It’s good you came here after you lost man, and don’t think of the 50k, consider that you only lost 15, the 50 was never yours.. I know it sucks bro…but with your good salary you will make the 15 back in a couple of months I assume and will never look back and never gamble again.. like I said, it was short and painful , rather than long and painful and I would be grateful for that. I hope you do what it takes to combat this demon and don’t chase that 15k because I can promise you through experience that will double, triple etc etc should you continue to gamble. I am 30 this year also and we are considered young to a lot of people on here, at GA, and they always told me they wish they had stopped at our age before they lost millions, businesses, remortgaged homes, lost their partners , families, became homeless.. etc etc. This is a bottomless pit and it’s a very dark addiction that truly can always get worse.. I talk through experience and what I’ve seen it do to myself and people I know and have read about. I wish you the best man- keep posting and know things will be ok… take care.

[JordanG]

Murr, I greatly appreciate your feedback. I am hoping that this short binge will just stay a short binge, but today I wake up with this overwhelming sense of grief about the loss of money. I never thought the urges to go back would be like this. Thought I was stronger. Fortunately I have plans tonight so I should be able to stay clear for today. The high and the withdraw is just the same as any drug I ever took, truly. Took me about a month to lose that feeling for drugs I took, so I am getting the sense that the fight through this will be just as long.

Have to keep the reminder that it was only 15k and could’ve been a whole lot more. But my brain keeps calling me telling me I need it back.

I need to get back to the gym this weekend, hopefully to fill some of those missing endorphins. What do you find yourself doing to fill your dopamine void?

[MurrS7]

Till heals ALL. So cliche but it’s the truth bro. Trust me when I say please do not chase that 15. Should you chase it there are two outcomes. The first outcome is you might get it back. If this happens, your brain will then tell you you are back at even, now you will convince yourself you can try again to make some money, that’s when the addiction comes in, because , well- you just might. Truthfully man. The wins are actually worse than the losses. The wins are what trick our brains into thinking we can make a living off gambling, “I won 50 before, surely I can do it again” that’s your mind playing tricks on you, don’t believe it man. As long as you have bankroll to gamble, it’s only a matter of time before you lose every last penny- inevitably. Your second outcome is bad too, you will chase the 15, until you lose every $ of savings you have in your name at this moment. And guess what? You will then tap into your credit, yes.. you will use the banks money to try and get your money back.. this is exactly what I did. It worked, (once) – this was the worst thing that could have happened to me, because i told my mind I was even again (let me try again to play smarter) wrong! The end result is always the same, you will lose, we all will lose, there is not one person I know who has successfully come out on top as a gambler. The only people you know who have, hit a jackpot (sheer luck) ONCE, and never gambled again. It’s 1%. Should you chase that 15, you will lose it, you will lose every available fund to your name just like I did in 5 months time. All of my savings , maxed out (25k credit card) maxed out (11k credit line) maxed out (3k) over draft. Please I beg you with every ounce of my soul to stop now , I don’t wish that pain and prolonging this addiction for anyone in this entire world. I hope you can feel the rawness in this post, I have a journal with about 40 members telling me to stop chasing, around the 6-8 month mark of my one year binge, 12 months of hell man. I didn’t listen to most, there were periods of 1-2-3 months clean time where I tried so hard, but my brain would get highjacked and I just couldn’t accept the money gone( initially 3 k loss that turned into over 40.. of the banks). There is one thing you can do right now that will keep your 15k loss at 15k, and put your gambling to rest forever. Put blockers on all of your devices, give your cards to someone close to you that can manage your finances just until all urges are gone, and please do not I repeat do not have access to any credit cards or lines of credit, you will tap into that should you decide to chase your losses with your HARD earned savings. There is one way to make money in this life and that’s through hard work. The reward of hard work is so much more satisfactory than praying and wishing on the flip of a card, spin of a wheel, the team You THINK is going to win, to try to get rich. Trust me, nobody will get rich that way, and if they win… it’s a loan.. the bookies and casinos know its only a matter of time before they get that winning $ back, plus all of your own.. you experienced it first hand, but trust me.. it can get a lot worse. Gym is a great outlet man… Weights and cardio. I don’t know if you play sports, but organized pick up is great… I love basketball and I joined a league that had refs, scoreboard , felt like I was playing back in highsschool, nothing like that dopamine rush of hitting A game winner in a playoff game. Look into it if you do enjoy playing anything. Sorry for the long post man, I really want to try to help you… because I’ve been through hell and back this year, and I don’t want you to go through it too… Take care of yourself.

[JordanG]

Murr, thanks for the words of wisdom and ecouragement. Really humbling seeing the amount of support that pours out into these forums. Doing my best to take heed of everyone’s advice. Going to get through this weekend and hopefully keep it going. I have put blockers on my devices so that should keep me from my urges to chase. Just keeping myself productive with work. Get back to even with hard work. I know I can’t win. Gotta keep reinforcing that in my mind over and over. Trying to frequent this site as much as possible to keep my mind off the loss. 

Have a fantastic weekend man. Good luck to you and thanks for everything.

[Ryan123678]

Keep going man. I’m just over a week and been struggling everyday so far wiped out all my savings and just my luck the week after a massive vet bill. Gym sounds like a good idea for you. I’ve been checking back on here everytime I get the urge.

[JordanG]

Thanks for the encouragement, my friend. Got through the weekend without gambling. Just staying busy as much as possible. The urge to try to win it back creeps in every morning when I wake up, but slowly coming to terms with the loss. Just have to grind to get it back. Shame of what that money could’ve been used on but, gotta pay the price. Simple as that. Keep coming back on here to get words of wisdom from the more experienced users man. Only thing that keeps me focused right now. Our lives could always be worse.

[Hibach1]

Hi Jordan. As I read your story I can definitely related to one of my many binged phases. I did learn from it but still end up doing again recently. Now I’m staring to post and working to stop gambling once and for all. I hope you can realize that the odds are stacking against the gamblers so no matter how much we win, it will eventually going back once we start gambling again. This is a guaranteed. There is no winning in gambling, even for poker, the one form of gambling that I used to vowed it’s not gambling. Sometime we say we can play small for entertainment but for compulsive gamblers, we just cannot. We have to treat gambling like a disease, let our egos go and give up on gambling. Congrats on getting back on track, keep it up man.

[JordanG]

Yeah, I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am just not wired to gamble in a healthy way. I always found it fun and exciting. But now I just see it can be a curse for me.

[urangenii]

Do you still offer help with gambling problems?

[LucasSpringer78qFS]

I also have a question not related to the main one.

[suetahdd]

THank you for sharing your experience

[crilmitic]

I agree that gambling is very dangerous.

[crilmitic]

I mean, yes, you play because you like it and see that you are successful. However, suppose you can not control this, and in that case, it becomes difficult, especially for your budget, so you can get into trouble. A similar situation happened to me and my friends, we still loved gambling until we realized in time that we were going too far, so we decided to let it go and find something without money. Finally, we found an online patience card game, and we have already been playing there for a long time. Thank God we don’t waste money like crazy anymore.

• В?дпов?дь зм?нена 3 роки, 5 м?сяц?в тому користувачем charles. Причина: I have edited out a games link - i think anyone wishing to play non gambling games online can find their own sites

[charles]

Hi Crilmitic,
I hope you start your own thread and tell us how you are progressing in your own recovefy and gambel free life.

[tisikisit]

Thoughts of getting rich quickly can drive a person crazy! This is a very wrong approach to this case. In the casino and any other gambling games, you need to play with a different mindset and in a different way.

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