My thoughts and aspirations of a new life and a day one to beat all of the other day ones has begun with a but of a hiccup, but not something that I cannot get over. My neighbor had a small fire issue at there house at 130 a.m. and sleep was not had in any great quantity last night. I am tired and a bit dishevelled this morning, but it’s up and off to work I will go. I will start to journal here and in my planner so that I have something g to look back on and someone to talk to about this,even if it is only myself. Today is a good start because it is a day that I call v.f., meaning that I dont have to work at all with my boss, whom I loathe. Fake and incompetent are a great combination. Anyways, today, none of her. I did some laundry first thing, dishes and made lunch. My kitchen is clean. I am good to go. I dont worry today about the gambling because I will be busy. I am strong in my resolve so there will be none of that today. The problem lies in the fa t that my resolve seems to last less and less these days and my v.f. days are few and far between. On the days that I work with the boss I am frustrated and hateful. Not my style but she brings out the worst. That’s the problem with the situation that seems to be the catalyst for my gambling. It frustrates the hell out of me and I cant seem to do anything to improve the situation. It’s been so many years of joy followed by so many more of anguish that there is a struggle to try. I need a new identity that doesnt involve work but I am 55 this year. How do you start over now?

That was a lot to take in and yet so concise you wonder why this is not a part if your own knowledge base. We all know that we have it in us to succeed and to beat this thing because all addiction can be overcome by making the right choices. On the days that I dont gamble I think, boy that was easy, and i think that i have overcome its grasp. Then i start to want the feeling of being relaxed, usually after a horrible day like today will most likely be, and my mind wants to forget all about what I had to endure all day. I think that because I managed to mot gamble for the past days, weeks or months, that I am better prepared to do just a “little”. Its there that i lose sight of my own weakness and quickly become enveloped. I literally can’t stop. I feel like my house could be on fire and I would be running out still pressing the spin button. It’s hard to accept that something as trivial as a game can take over your free will. I watched an episode of Star Trek TNG once where they had these little gaming devices that they were playing that became addictive and no one would stop. They all fought so hard to overcome the evil that these games represented and that is what I think of sometimes when I have been overcome by a bought. That little game is designed to take over my brain and make me want to play. If I don’t start, it cant do that. I have to work on the not starting since i know that i cant stop once i do. I plan on keeping very busy in the next cycle. I need to stay away from all things electronic after work and first thing in the morning. I will journal here and then away goes the phone. It is my best chance at getting the influence out of my line of sight and winning this otherwise tiresome battle. I hope you all can keep the demons at bay for one more day. After all, it really is like the AA motto of “I will not drink today”. I will not gamble, at least for today.

All was going well until I had a little down time yesterday morning.
nI had been out in my garden, put on the tomatoe cages, weeded and put down some mulch, walked the dog and even started some laundry. While I have my coffee in the morning is the danger time. I like to pick up some form of technology and check the daily news, weather, and to my dread, the emails. I subscribe to soooooo many things via email that I need to delete at least 50 per day and I usually start out first thing. Yesterday I had an email from an online casino that refuses to close my account. I ha e emailed, instant chat, requested and requested and the account never closes. I had over $300in bonus cash in my account. What’s the harm in playing out the bonus cash and then putting another load of laundry in? Wrong. A good sum of my own money later and I hadn’t even made dinner by 7. I get lost. I have to.play until there is nothing left. Every time. They make it so hard to cash out of those places that everytime I try I just end up playing it out. It’s in the light of the next morning qhe I dont want to wake up because I have failed again that I realize its technology that keeps us in touch but also keeps us slaves to needing to know. When I couldn’t access gambling on my technology I didnt abuse the time I spent on it per se. I do surf you tube a little too long sometimes, so if I am busy I just dont open the laptop. My phone is the enemy right now and I need to find a way to isolate myself from it on those times where I will find myself vulnerable. I am feeling that it is more than just this aspect of my life that needs to change and it may result on more of an overhaul than I am really comfortable with. I need yo think about this more and gamble less. I think about nothing at all when I do that, and that’s my biggest hurdle.

Thanks for sharing Kin. I screenshot that one for quick reference. It’s so true yet we just never visualize our fall as being the same. It applies to my falls when I dont watch my own triggers. Same every time. I think its time for something new.

This will kick me in the right place hopefully on the right times. I hate waking up in the morning knowing I have fed the wrong one the day before. My soul is sad, my Hope’s defeated. I want to wake up feeling right. That is my first goal as I am a morning person who gauges the day on how I wake up. Today is dark. Tomorrow will be light. Of this I can be sure. One day at a time.?

I thought that I had it covered. I put gamban on everything and it has worked fab on my computer but not so well on my phone . I won’t go into detail, but there is a way to get around ALL software on the android phones and I found it out by mistake. Now I can play if I find the frame of mind that allows me to. I have self excluded from all of the casinos in my province so I will have to get a ride for hours and hours, and I know I won’t. I am a firm believer in putting up barriers as well, but I am the only adult in my household and cant relinquish financial control to anyone else. This I have to do alone, and while I know that others are there, like the gang on g.t., I need to take responsibility and fail or pass. That way it’s only me to blame. I am a little more driven than I was last week so I’m feeling good. I know that I am weak once I open the phone so I am trying not to. Technology is a great thing for some, while others are a bit more challenged using it wisely. Once the casinos open up it will be a challenge not to try to sneak in wearing a mask…..it would be great for all of us who have self excluded. We need to banish the opportunity that might arise out of this horrible time in our lives to make it even more horrible. I will use all thi gs at my disposal to block myself from gambling today. That’s all I can do.

Was in the precarious situation of just me and my phone in a room last night because one of my daughters friends broke up with her boyfriend and I had to skedaddle out of the main living area. I did play, but found no joy in it and quit right away. Is this the beginning? Can I abstain on my own? Perhaps the true cost of gambling is more than the feelings I used to get. Let’s hope.

Was in the precarious situation of just me and my phone in a room last night because one of my daughters friends broke up with her boyfriend and I had to skedaddle out of the main living area. I did play, but found no joy in it and quit right away. Is this the beginning? Can I abstain on my own? Perhaps the true cost of gambling is more than the feelings I used to get. Let’s hope.

After the last week of trying and failing, and waking the next day to despair and regret, I have decided to try to wake each morning feeling proud and joyful that I made the right choice the day before. My days off are my biggest challenge because I cant stay busy forever, and with covid still having us on emergency protocol here, there is really nowhere to go. As mentioned, I had found a way around my blockers on my phone, and at the last binge decided that enough was enough and closed all accounts that were available. I will now have to search, verify and open more if I want to fall, and that will take hopefully enough time to stop myself. I am keeping busy in the evening either cleaning or making some food for the next day, so my idle time is minimized. The days off are going to be the challenge, and my plan is to start with not taking my phone of of my purse and keeping it on another part of the house. I have some down time today before I go in but have lots planned and little time to ruin my good day. I feel like I am at the mid part of the giant mountain, with a cliff separating where I stand from where i want to go. I can try to go back down but it is not a good climb down- it is a drop. Up is the only way to go, it will be hard, but not impossible, I just have to keep climbing a little at a time.