[Johnny B]

Submitted by jenn86 on Thu, 02/08/2018 – 20:33
I am BROKEN
I am addicted to gambling. If someone asked me a couple of years ago if I could ever see myself here, I would have laughed at the thought. Sure, I have had my trials and tribulations in life, but I have so much to be grateful for. I have a wonderful family, a husband who loves me (at least the side of me that doesn’t gamble), a beautiful son, an education, and a career I am proud of. I am pretty, smart, funny, and well liked among people who meet me. My life should be wonderful, but it is anything but that. The confusing thing is, I cannot say why I am addicted to such a senseless activity. I am an intelligent person. I know better each time I even think about gambling. It is such a stupid idea! Yet, I do it anyway.
I am depressed. I cannot say whether I gamble because I am depressed, or if I am depressed because I gamble, but the fact is, I rarely find the joy- the instant gratification- that I find when I win. All other feelings are void to me now. The sad thing is, I have won large amounts at once, and then blew it all within a couple of days. I could have gotten myself out of this hole (at least financially), but I just keep going, going, going…until it is gone.
The non-gambling me has an honest relationship with a man who cares for me deeply. After discovering my gambling problem, once…twice…three…four…times, my husband has lost his faith in me. All respect for me is gone, and I don’t blame him. He has told me he cannot waste his energy anymore trying to get me to stop. He has said he loves me, but he is not in love with me, as the way I am now. And I’m sure it would be easy to earn back. He wants to love me again, as the me I once was. I am sure it would be easy to get there without gambling in my life. But I CAN’T STOP. So, I basically dig myself deeper into debt, depression, and apathy towards everyone and everything I love and I cannot tell you why.
I am a shell of the person I used to be, and yet I still feel that I will lose the joy of life if gambling wasn’t in my life. I need help. I want help, but I worry that I have broken the support system I once had, and my first instinct will be to gamble because “why not?” I am already broken, depressed, in debt, unloved, and looked down upon. What does it matter if I keep doing the only thing I know of that brings me some satisfaction? I hate this. I can’t undo my deceit and I can’t take back the lies. I can only move forward, but I am struggling to find a reason to. I don’t want to spend another dollar on a bet, but I don’t want to give it up either. What is wrong with me??

[Johnny B]

This was posted on the topics section. I hope I didn’t overstep by copy and pasting it on Forum, because I think it is relevant to many of our plights. This is written so well, and it encompasses my exact situation.
Gambling addiction is truly frightening. I am in marriage counseling with a relatively young marriage (less than 2 years) when presented with the thought of never gambling again or losing my wife, I truly hesitated, because gambling was my first “true” love. I cannot look at never again, I have to look day to day, because it is simply too hard.
Good luck Jenn, we are here to support you. And I hope I didn’t violate any GT rules by re-posting this in the forum!
Johnny B

[velvet]

Hello Jenn and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ??

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[i-did-it]

Johnny well done on noticing this and reposting.
I know Charles sometimes moves posts across so I hope we haven’t missed Jen
.
Yes a lot of us could identify with what Jen has written.
It is a senseless , mindless addiction .
I hope Jen notices that her post has been moved and continues to write on here .

[Author]

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