He said I needed to take money away from him, so I said I’ll handle it. We don’t live together, so when we got to video call after my work, he was so depressed and said he thought about ending his life many times before admitting the problem to me, but backtracked because he found out his personal loans would get transferred on to his beneficiaries.

I have a background in addiction because of my brother, who we thought was an alcoholic, and our family went to a couple of counseling sessions. Turns out he’s bipolar and is taking medication. A close uncle is also a recovered drug addict, sober for decades now, but I saw how it ruined families. I knew right off the bat that it’s a disease, and it’s scary and unpredictable, but i did not have enough knowledge in knowing how to effectively help now, being the partner of an addicted loved one.

I told him that I was canceling the wedding (he just wanted to postpone, but the contracts didnt allow an indefinite date, and the window was short before bigger penalties could be imposed) that same week because we can’t put a deadline to his recovery, we don’t have the money anymore, and frankly, I need time to think about it because its a big problem, and it will be for the rest of our lives. I asked if he wanted to self-exclude and he said yes, so I facilitated that for him by giving him the forms and sending it out. He made the decision to self-exclude for 5 years and went into looking for a local GA and counselor.

I ended up not handling his finances because he had self-excluded anyway, and he was scared to break that because he knew someone who tried to break it and was caught. We agreed on sending screenshots of his pay slip and payments for loans. Luckily (or not. At this point, I’m not sure), all of his loans were from the bank (mix of credit cards, housing, salary, personal, and insurance) and his brother. No loan sharks. The loans were huge compared to his earning capacity, and it was clear that it will take him years before he can dig himself out of this hole.

After 3 months of contemplating whether I should stay or not, all while keeping contact like normal and trying to find solutions to our problems, I told him that decided that I would stay because if the tables were turned, he’d help me get through this. It was difficult for him to be with me because my family didn’t approve of him, but he stayed and worked it out anyway, and eventually got the family’s blessing before he proposed to me. I fought hard for him behind the scenes, too, because he’s the love of my life. We had an amazing relationship pre-gambling, and I know he was also fully invested emotionally for us. We knew from the start of the relationship that we’d end up getting married and both of us were almost there. Pre-gambling, he’s the most charismatic, trustworthy, loving, patient, understanding boyfriend ive ever had. I always felt lucky we found each other and we were very happy to work everything out to make us reach our goal to get married and finally live together like we always wanted.

I was away for a family emergency when I told him that I’d stay and work it out. When I got back and saw him a week after, there was a strand of hair longer than mine (and his) that was in the toilet in his bedroom. That broke me. He said he didn’t know where it was from, probably from his brother or sister in law when they stayed over during the holidays. I told him, “that was 21 days ago. It’s right there in the toilet, are you trying to tell me you didn’t flush for 21 days because you obviously did. I don’t know is not an answer,” because at that point, the trust was gone. He lost the benefit of the doubt. I knew I could accept him for his addiction and be there for him in whatever capacity he needed, what I could never accept is cheating. Had he not lied about the gambling from me for over a year, and I saw the hair, I wouldve given the benefit of the doubt, of course. At that point, I forgave him still. But I could never shake off the feeling of him lying to me about other things. I struggle with overthinking and anxiety when triggered, and if this wasn’t the atomic bomb of all triggers, I don’t know what is. About 3 weeks after that incident with the hair, I left. I told him it wasn’t working out because I couldn’t trust him and he didn’t have the space to work it out with me. I told him to sell the ring to pay off the loans. I also told him I’ll get the dog (that I gave to him from my dog’s litter) because he might not be able to afford the vaccinations, food, emergency, etc. He didn’t want to give it back, so I said okay, but if you start to date other people, I’d get him back because he’ll be left alone a lot of the time. I treat my dogs like my children, so I also couldn’t stand some other girl holding my dog. He just laughed and said how can I think of dating someone else with my problems. So I left the dog for the meantime so he won’t feel so alone.

Those 3 months (from when I found out until I left) were fights and stonewalling–rinse and repeat. That was more than we ever fought in the 5 and a half years that we were together. In one of our fights (pre-hair and pre-breakup), he said that he didn’t want to define our future because that would be too rash; that maybe we needed to heal as individuals and talk once we’ve reached that point. I got so scared I was gonna lose him, but he had a point. I explained to him that when my brother was in recovery, everyone else gave up on him except me. It put so much strain in our relationship that now, we barely even talk despite living in the same house. We used to be the best of friends, and now, we barely talk. I didn’t want that to happen to us because I knew the cycle, I didn’t want to lose myself and lose us having a future together once we’re both better. After a long talk, we agreed to still stay together because he was alone and we love each other so we’ll fight for it. It was the most vulnerable, open, and communicative I’ve seen him in our whole time together so I was happy and thought we could do this if he’s always this open. Before, I would have to drag it out of him. During that conversation, I just lay down on his lap, just listening to what he had to say and it was a lot. I was so happy and relieved. At this point, he was also going to virtual GA meetings almost everyday so I thought he was making good headstart.

I now know through months and months (pre and post breakup) of watching youtube channels about recovery, this forum, and many podcasts that my way of helping wasn’t helping at all. He wasn’t ready to look at the financial impact of it, while I was focused on that because I thought I couldn’t help him with his steps. I suggested ways to get extra income by renting out his house and move back to his family, selling the house, selling the engagement ring, or get an online job. I was concerned because all his income would go to loan repayment and I don’t know where he’ll get money for food and transportation. All nothing to him. He said he’ll take action when he’s ready, but for right now, he’s just happy that he’s able to wake up everyday and live one day at a time. He didn’t want to sell the ring because it’ll take him further away from me, but I said it’s just a ring, we’re still together. If it means that much, we can buy another one when we have money, our priority now is getting your loans paid. I understood, but I felt so helpless and desperate. I became a nag, and I didn’t want to be that way to us.

We didn’t communicate for 2 months after the breakup, until my feelings caught up with me. Right after the breakup, I had to keep myself together for my closest cousin’s wedding, who I consider my younger sister. I knew I had to keep myself from falling apart because our weddings were supposed to be a month apart, and we were supposed to honeymoon together. After the wedding, I, expectedly, came apart and regretted my decision to leave. It was the time I needed to gain clarity that my ex matters to me more than anything. I thought I wanted children so bad, but it turns out, a bigger priority for me is my ex and our relationship. He said he’s committed to his recovery, and i felt so guilty for leaving him alone. So I asked for him back and he didn’t want to at that time because he can’t be distracted from his recovery. He said he doesn’t know if he loves me, or if we even have a future together. I said I understood that he still doesnt have space for it, but please reach out to me when you’re ready to talk. I knew we’d still talk because it’s part of the steps. I also saw my ring being posted online by a girl I never heard of, after i asked for him back. It’s like someone punched me in the stomach. She works in the same company as my ex, but I never heard her name nor was she part of his group of friends from work who I’ve met. A couple of months after that, my best friend saw them together but my ex, very blatantly, avoided walking past them. They weren’t holding hands, but they seemed pretty close. I told him over the phone that I’d get the dog back, but he didn’t want to give it but I said I’ll get him anyway. I asked if he’s dating the girl who’s selling my ring, and he said, I don’t know. I took that as a yes, so on his suggested date, I was going to pick up the dog but he left. I was able to convince him to go back to his house because I was almost there anyway.

He looked so dejected when I saw him, I wanted to hug him right away but I couldn’t because knowing him, he wouldnt want me to. So we talked, and I said I just want to cut ties with him since he clearly doesn’t want me in his life and I want the dog back so I don’t need to worry about anything happening to him–if he’s being fed, if hes being left alone far more often since he doesn’t work from home. And he said he’s committed to being single for at least 2 years, and that he doesnt want to bring anyone down with him and his addiction. He has the tendency to shut down his emotions to survive, and he did say that he is shut down most of the time. He’s not letting anyone in. I said he can’t do recovery alone, and if he lets himself, i can help him for whatever he needs. He said he has friends who send him groceries every month; he goes out but not so often because that would mean that other people are gonna pay for him and he feels small. He also said when i told him id stay, he appreciated it so much that he made a promise to himself that he’ll commit his whole life to me. At that point, i almost broke down because of the guilt. He said you shouldn’t have returned the ring, that was the most painful part. And again, I said it was for your loans so you can pay them off if you sell it. I can sell it if you want me to, but he didn’t want that. He also said that I could’ve asked for more time instead of breaking up, and he’d understand. I explained that I couldn’t even see where I was standing, much less what was in front of me, and I felt so alone because I couldn’t trust you. I asked if he’s moved on from us, and he said he doesnt want to, but he also doesnt know if he loves me. I said I’ll wait for him, and he said not to because its gonna pressure him. He said he has forgiven me for leaving, but he cant forget. He doesnt know if he can trust me not to leave when things get hard for us again in the future. And that just validated what i felt when i asked for him back the first time. Towards the end of the conversation, he said that he wants to move on (which confused me because he said at first that he didnt want to) and he proposed that i can get the dog on weekends. After a few days, I messaged him that I can’t see him every week, twice a week to get and return the dog and not also not want to be with him. So that’s a status quo for now. I just send him minimal support for dog food and grooming and told him everything I wanted to say via text message but didn’t get a reply, which was expected.

Now, I’m confused about his state of mind. I have a feeling he is dating that girl, and after I left his house, I felt manipulated and gaslit. How did everything become my fault? I asked what step he’s in now, and he said “6?” in a confused tone. So I’m nervous that he’s also just abstaining and not working true recovery which requires deep introspection and vulnerability. I congratulated him on being 9 months sober and he was caught off guard, I don’t know if it’s because he didn’t expect that I’d remember, or if he relapsed, or he’s still holding on that his sobriety date is November 13, despite me correcting him that it was the 19th based on the bank timestamp. I used to say correct it for your GA, and he said no need as long as he isnt gambling. It’s just an overall, hard situation– both letting go and holding on to hope is hard. Especially when the person you love isn’t sure about what he feels. Is that normal? I read in some threads and watched in some videos that after a couple of months, your brain starts to “heal” itself from the addiction and gives you more clarity than when you were in active addiction. I just want to have hope that what we have is strong that he’d want to come back, but I’m not sure if that’s possible with addiction. It’s just so painful that I am willing to forgive him with far more mistakes than a technicality of asking for time vs. breaking up.

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