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It would be nice to stay gamble free for the rest of 2018.
My last gambling day was on the 7th January 2017, today is another busy football Sunday and my first gamble free day.
Am I going to feed my recovery or gambling addiction?Thoughts
It is too time consuming to punt on football. Too much time are spend analyzing each match. After a few back to back matches and many hours later, it is only a matter of time that I grew tired, losing my self-control is very high, I can become impulsive and compulsive.Yesterday was another example, I have been reminding myself not to gamble on the English FA cup matches for 2 days but I still place a bet on them after 4 hours of watching 2 back to back Australian matches, I just continue with the English matches. I cannot stop myself from the next bet and didn’t want to walk away.
Feelings
I love watching and punting on football but there are more important things in my life.
I feel that losing my family or my job as a result of this big distraction is just not worth it.
Action
I am not new in recovery. I will start from the beginning, I will be using this new thread to work my recovery and record my journey this year.
It should be fun. -
I need to seek the truth, these has help me every time in the past whenever I need to start from day one going total abstinent.
Matthew 16:24-26 (NIV)
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.
25 For whoever wants to save their life, will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?
When we die to self we set aside “our wants and desires” and instead focus on loving God, our family and our recovery. This moves us away from “self-centeredness” – selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways.
One baby steps at a time, a day at a time, I had to deny my self-will and follow God’s will.Step One of the suggested GA program of personal recovery contained in Twelve Steps:
1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
I like to borrow these lines from Vera;
I am powerless over gambling but only when I place the first bet. When I choose not to place that bet, gambling has no power over me. I have no doubt that if I make a wrong decision, my life will be totally unmanageable. -
Can a Compulsive Gambler ever become a controlled gambler? No.
What personal beliefs do you hold about this? After 12 years in recovery, I was convinced that I am still a CG, I always reach a point that I could not stop or walk away from the next bet, sometime sooner, sometime later. Winning just simply prolong and delay the process.
Have you ever tried, if so what was the outcome? Yes, many times, losing self-control in gambling happen to me every time, sometime sooner sometime many months later, winning just prolong and delay the process. The ending is always the same.
Do you know of anyone who has successfully achieved this? No
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Hey Kin, I feel your pain here and in a pretty similar situation. Like yourself, I bet on the FA Cup, as well as other leagues, France, Spain, Italy, pretty much anything that has an active game available. Games and teams I know nothing about but it’s “something to do”. I live in the United States so lost the rest of my money on early morning games today. I’m completely broke and in debt. We seem to be starting this journey at the same time, I hope to stay in touch and feed off of each other’s successes. Best of luck, Kin. We can do this.
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Hi StephRo10 and TayCuddie,
The best advice is always the one I didn’t want to hear.
ATM is not Atletico Madrid in football. ATM stands for access, time and money in recovery.I need to limit:
1. my access to gambling places
2. my available time to gamble
3. the money that I carry on me.I made life difficult for myself when I don’t listen.
I am gamble free today.
Thank you Vera for replying.
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A new hobby would definitely be helpful to take up time. I feel like a lot of times I gamble is because I am bored and don’t have much else going on. I just woke up to get ready for work it’s 4:30 am here in Seattle. The whole night I was having dreams about betting. Today will be day number 1 for me and even though it’s only been about 15 hours since I last bet, it almost seems like forever ago. No real urge exists this morning because I know I have absolutely no money to gamble with… Hope everyone has a good day, stay strong!
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I was reading Charles post. Below are my thoughts today:
Barriers are important in the early days.
On one hand:
There were many times in the past when I was feeling bored, anxious and restless to do something. It was the exclusion ban that stops me from entering the gambling premises at the casino, and clubhouses to gamble baccarat and slot machines when I had the time and excess money.
When I was attending recovery support group meetings, Christian fellowship meetings, exercise and writing journal regularly, giving priority to sleep and work, it kept my time occupied which otherwise would be spend on gambling when I had the money and access to gambling premises.
When I put interest before self, principle before personality and made myself accountable and committed, it leaves me with lesser money after everyone and everything was paid every month.
Without the accountability and commitment, there was a tendency for me to use the money first. How many times have I lost all my salary to gambling every month and not do the responsible thing to support my family and service my debt every month.
On the other hand:
When “I” want to gamble, no one can stop “me”.
How many times have “I” find my way into gambling premises.
How many times have “I” skipped work and meetings to make time for gambling.
How many times have “I” steal and borrow to get hold of money to gamble.
Using support is important – if I could do it on my own then I wouldn’t have a problem in the first place.
I am gamble free today.
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What incredible short memory I have.
I cannot remember all the pain and suffering, hurt and harm, dark and hopeless, hellish and scary days that gambling has brought me.
What I do remember is the excitement and kick that I get out of baccarat and football winnings.
There is always a real danger that I will do it again. There is no guarantee that I will remain gamble free tomorrow but I am gamble free today. -
I hear you Kin! Short memory!
Why would we want to go back to that dark hellish place of full blown gambling and all of it’s terrible consequences?
It is a artificial sense of excitement this sense of “winning” and the possibility of it. Was does it do? For our physical and spiritual being? It usually deprives by stealing all the focus and resources that should be devoted to our self and not one little addictive part of our brain that is running the show.
Your journal and thoughts help me greatly Kin to see how to put recovery into practice.
I’m sorry for your lapse but you know where this will take you and I’m glad you are back here. Have a gamble free day.
Laura
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P.S.
I’m glad you took your own advice and “stopped digging”!
I also like Geordie’s advice. No relapse is inevitable. My first bet is always a choice. I remind myself of that every time a thought pops into my head. I have a choice. Once that first bet is placed I don’t honestly know where I would end up.
take care Kin
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Its Friday, and football weekend is here. After work, I wanted to proceed to a betting house to place a bet on an Australian match.
I was confident….. and like to gamble on the result today but that result didn’t happen. I would have lost all my money.
I would have been very shock, and frustrated at the unexpected result. I will be helpless over all the money that I have lost. I will be very disappointed with myself and regretted that I have not learnt my lesson after so many times. I will be angry with myself for falling into the same trap.
I could be reliving all the bad feelings that I posted yesterday but it didn’t happen because I didn’t gamble today. -
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Thank you Vera.
I needed this because I cannot see my blind spots.
You are right, I do get tempted and many times I test myself.
When I have the money, the time and the opportunity when the right match appear, I really wouldn’t mind a gamble and it lead to more gambles. I will follow my will, not God’s will. This explain why I occasionally gamble.It was only when I focus on denying my desires or self-will, and follow God that I am in recovery.
Vera, your message is timely. I have switched to self-centered living. I have lost my focus, my life is not centered on God. -
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Sorry to see you’ve lost your focus. I am almost sure you will regain it though.
I think it is possible for us to focus too hard at times, and that can lead to blow outs, certainly in my case.
Your wise words of wisdom over the years, and, at times, quite philosophical posts, have on occasion penetrated my thick head and provoked me to think more deeply about myself. Your posts have helped me regain my focus.
And, God willing, I hope you can find inspiration today, and regain your focus.
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I am a Christian but I do not follow God ‘s way.
What is my biggest fear when I honestly admit this?
I will be tear up by non believer and believer. I was afraid to be shame, embarrassed, humiliated, despise, look down, criticize, ridicule, judge and attack by others. My false pride and ego will be the biggest obstacle to my change for a better tomorrow.
I must be honest about what is happening now, so that I can start right from the beginning. I will learn to eat humble pie and take one baby steps at a time.
I need to focus and not take my eye away from God words and promises. -
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Awareness is at least half the battle, and you have plenty of that.
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Everything happen for a reason. I will be attending my first bible study fellowship in Feb next month. I want to learn more about God’s word and promises.
I have just learn to diet. I am starting my egg diet again tomorrow but this time I will juice my broccoli in the evening so that I am eating sufficient green. -
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Dear diary,
In the full Serenity prayer used in all GA meeting, it says;
“…Accepting hardships… as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;…“It talks about giving up my self will and following God’s will,
Its talks about God ‘s way, not my way.Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.Amen.
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Kin my friend, we do what we do….although we don’t know we do it, we still do it although we don’t want too, is it because we are bad or is it because it is sin living in us and we know not what we do!!
Stay strong my friend and keep fighting, always nice to see you around and read your posts, thankyou for your ongoing support over the years and I hope you can find happiness in your life as deep down I know you will.
Take care and all my very best.
Maverick
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I have lost 7 kg but quickly regain back 3 kg after 2 weeks of egg diet last month and have just completed 10 days of egg diet again and lost 5 kg this month.
I was able to function better weighing 9kg lighter now. I can slow jog smoothly and stand up from a sitting position better without feeling pain on the knee anymore.
I have learnt that I was weak and shaky in recovery when I see trigger like rice, noodle and curry…I actually wanted to give up the diet.
Imagine what if I see my salary, not surprise I was trigger to gamble.
Not gambling, taking alcohol, overeating and reducing my debts is just addressing the symptoms of addiction, not the problem of addiction. -
God can help me do what I cannot do for myself.
If I can do it myself, I wouldn’t be here. This is how I pray to God.Dear Heavenly Father,
Honor be thy name, may your will be done on earth as it is done in heaven.
Forgive me my debts, have mercy on me as I forgive my debtor.
Grant me my daily bread, please do not let me fall into temptation, and deliver me from evil.
Thy Kingdom, thy power, thy glory forever and ever in Jesus almighty name I pray.This is how I meditate
Jesus is my shepherd, I shall not want. (repeat)This is how I exercise
slow jog…I take baby stepsThis is how I lose weight
cut down sugar and carbohydrates completely for 2 weeks each time.Stay focus on everything you do!
Otherwise my self-willed will run riot, I will start to act out my burning desires or self-destructive behaviors.
How often have I say or do things that hurt and harm another person, I deny all that has happen because my feeling, emotion and interest was above everyone else and I don’t want to admit it.
I did not gamble but I act out on the things I say, food, alcohol, sex, internet and work so the addiction is still very much alive.
To cure the problem, you need to arrest my illness, not the symptoms. -
I can be an impatient and complacent person, I do not like to be so strict with myself and manage every little thing RESPONSIBLY every day but that seem to be the only way that works for me and I have never done this before.
It was like the weight in every day. I can see the weight gain after I start to eat the food I like and shouldn’t, the body cannot burn STORED FAT when there is HIGH INSULIN in the body after I take carbohydrates.
Isn’t it the same like my addiction. There was no recovery when there was control gambling, and drinking.
There was still progress in what I have been doing provided the check are in place to manage what is happening. I am still losing more weight than I gain if I continue what I have been doing.
Every time I see that I am back sliding and gaining 1 to 3 kg again, I cut down on the carbohydrates and sugar completely and lost more. My recovery continues…the progress was like the cha cha dance, 3 STEPS FORWARD, 2 STEPS BACK and 3 STEPS FORWARD again.
I want the weight lost but I hate to put in the hard work and effort. I do not enjoy being responsible because it doesn’t feel comfortable at all.
It was like I want to recover from disease of addiction but I still want to continue to be irresponsible in my ways and do not want to put in the hard work and effort to succeed.
I have been told not to be too hard or strict with myself but sometimes that is the only way for it to work.
I am only human, I was NOT PERFECT, I will lapse from time to time…if I was NOT STRICT with myself, the mistake will be MORE SERIOUS! -
You do seem very hard on yourself, I hope you have some room in you life for a little fun, a few laughs and time with friends and family.
Weight loss is hard, it lowers our self esteem when we don’t get the results we want.
Unfortunately, like anything, hard work is what it takes.
You have been through a lot of hardships Kin, and come through them.
You are right, we are only human, and can only do the best we can.
Keep doing your best Kin, and you will be ok!
Love K x -
I was abstinent from carbohydrate and sugar for 14 days in my first attempt, 10 days in my second attempt and 2 days in my third attempt before I slipped over 8 weeks.
The constant battle with my desire, urge, and craving for carbohydrates and sugar / food was a sign of what would happen when I face the temptation of gambling and alcohol.
I have shown the same vulnerability and weakness in the face of temptations. I can slip and relapse, I actually allow myself to fail. It would be much more costly, expensive and destructive if this was gambling.
It reminded me to be more careful with gambling without the full-blown relapse, which is usually be too late by the time I realize what is happening.
I did not have to suffer the same heavy financial damage or hurt from gambling when I fail and fall to temptations from carbohydrates and sugar.
There are no instrument to check and measure my tolerant to temptation unlike those instruments that measure temperature or sugar level in the blood. Any tell tale sign alerting me help me to watch out for slip and lapse in gambling.
I was just working on my addiction, not the symptom such as over eating, gambling, alcohol, surfing internet, over working and sex.
I did lose 8 kg in weight since I started…I was not perfect but there was progress. -
I am training again. I remember the beginning, it was year 2000 that I was rebuilding my body and mind for my recovery and family.
It was my first attempt jogging on the same park, I cannot finish half around the park, but I didn’t allow myself to quit, I PERSERVERE and PUSH through the PAIN, I tell myself that this PAIN was nothing compare to the PAIN and SUFFERING I caused to my FAMILY and MYSELF when I hit rock bottom. Today I completed one round in the park and could have continue to push on but I quitted because I was afraid of HARDSHIP and PAIN, I didn’t want to SUFFER.
I have walk out of the hopeless dark hole, I was no more suicidal or depress. I have a family, job, a place I called mine.
I have reached a stage where I was doing some thing I never did in my recovery before. I never knew I was addicted to carbohydrates and sugar and did not do anything about it until now. It made me realize that there was no short cut, once I stop working my recovery, I will BACKSLIDE.
I had to cut down on carbo and sugar from my diet, and I need to exercise. Failing to do so will see an immediate increase in my body weight. I am in the maintenance stage now.
I am not perfect, I CHEAT in my recovery. When I binge on carbo and put on weight, I stop the binging and stop digging the hole further.
GUESS this was the story of my recovery. I CHEAT.
Over the years, I have a few rock bottoms, the harder the pain and suffering, the harder I focus and work on ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I was always running away from pain and discomfort. When I feel stress, I find relief in food and gambling. That explain why I continue to do all the harmful and self-destructive stuff like losing all my money and putting on unhealthy weight because I didn’t know what else to do.
I can continue to stay abstinent, it will not kill me but I was really not doing my best and relapse. When I feel uncomfortable, stress, bored or anxious, I allow myself to binge on food, gambling, alcohol. These activities are predictable, It kept me distracted and occupied for hours and I enjoy doing them. I don’t have a habit of watching movie, window shopping, jogging or attending church service.
I need to have the attitude of someone new in recovery. I need to work hard replacing old ways with new ways.
Going total abstinent is simple but it really takes a great amount of effort to stay total abstinent on some difficult days.
This is my recovery, I don’t do this to impress anyone. Pride and ego aside, I can either pretend nothing was wrong or be honest and admit that I was wrong, and have been lying.
We are habitual people who like to keep doing the same things. It was insane to keep doing the same thing that was doing us harm every time etc. gambling.
I can either focus on not gambling or I can focus on doing new healthy ways ONE DAY AT A TIME. -
I was stubborn and determined to do as I want, regardless of the consequences:
I choose to over eat, I gamble, take alcohol, watch porn and get into debt.
I don’t want to diet, exercise, attend recovery meeting, church service, watch movie and window shop.
I deliberately and intentionally relapse. -
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My brain is no longer able to produce something enough… needed to perform my own free will at all times.
It has affected the reward and pre-frontal region in my brain that control higher function like my judgement, decision making and self-control over my actions.
The end result was ordinary healthy and pleasurable activities such as watching movie, window shopping, exercise, reading, listening to music and attending church service is no longer enough to motivate me.
I need a bigger surge of dopamine from self-destructive behavior to feel ok and I continue to do this in endless vicious cycle.
1. My addiction made me feel ashamed and inferior.
2. I have reach a stage where acting out in self-destructive behavior is not enjoyable anymore.
3. I have to do it because the distress of not doing it is too difficult to bear.
4. This illness made me lose the function to execute my free-will.
5. The most severe threat of punishment and heavy consequences has not kept me away from self-destructive behavior all the times.
6. I am willing to lose something very important to me in order to act out.
7. It has cause me great distress at not being able to control my strong urge to act out any self-destructive behavior.
8. I have become hopeless and helpless at my inability to control my strong urges to act out in self-destructive behavior. I would try to quit acting out every time, but then I would relapse, and this cycle would repeat again and again until there was self-hatred.I need to face the truth, process my thoughts, feeling and emotion.
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I has been bingeing on food lately. I gave up staying abstinent after 2 days this time. I become 2 kg heavier and was slow jogging 1km lesser in distance.
Recovery is all hard work for me.
Without a routine structured lifestyle, a spiritual and recovery program to follow, practice and check me. I could easily switch into the relapse mode and spiral out of control at any time without notice. If it did not happen now, the answer is not yet!
It was all about stop digging when you are in the hole and start to REFOCUS on staying abstinent today ONE DAY AT A TIME. There was no failure, it was just a part of my journey.
My progress with my eating disorder reflect on my relationship with alcohol, porn, gambling, borrowing, money and work. It was the same illness.
I had thoughts to take alcohol and gamble last night. -
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I like to follow my feeling and desire. I loves to do as I want. My Self-will is my direction.
In a relapse mode, the feeling of distress was unbearable if I did not do it. The most severe threat of punishment and heavy consequences could not keep me away from doing it.
In a recovery mode, I care about the heavy consequences and punishment of self-will run riot. I want to repair the situation and stop myself from digging the hole deeper and slipping away. These are very simple things in life but sadly one that will destroy me because of my multiple addictions, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive behavior.
I have been bingeing on food, have thoughts to take alcohol and plan to gamble. All the effort over the years will be wasted if I did not put in the effort require to stop the rot. Maintenance is a lifetime work, there was no holiday.
I cheated and loosen up, doing sinful stuff was a nice feeling, I ate everything that I desire. I have since put on more than 2 kg now. It is time to get back to recovery work.
It works. I only need to cut down the carbohydrates and sugar from my diet, they call this keto diet. I heard the result can be quicker if I do inter-mitten fasting altogether which I have never do before. I also need to continue the regular jog. All these to keep the 7 kg and more weight loss. My goal was to lose another 10kg.
That looks like a lot to do for me. I really did not have a desire to do them, but I did not want to suffer the consequences and punishment if I did not do them.
This is a lesson for me. The same effort is required for gambling.
The reward of weight loss is equivalent to the reward of a healthy saving for not gambling.It doesn’t happen overnight, it will take time, 3 years period sound reasonable to me.
feast feast fast, feast feast fast ? hmm…
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Hi Kin,
Thank you for your post on another thread .
Sometimes it’s hard to know online whether people want us to post on their thread or not and I’m not sure if you prefer to keep yours as your own personal diary or if you like replies .I am very drawn to your thread at the moment because as a side effect of not gambling. I find I am become very aware of what I eat – in the past eating was as mindless and impulsive as gambling .
I find that when I eat really good food I don’t crave chocolate and rubbish – so I now spend the little extra on good quality food and save on the junk food I used to crave.
Good luck with the keto diet – I tried it once but my mood swings were so extreme I had to stop .Keep posting. KIn.
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I didn’t know I was fasting for a spiritual reason.
I didn’t know I was abstaining from food for a specific amount of time for a spiritual purpose.
Some people eat for 8 hours and fast for 16 hours a day. – inter-mitten fasting
Some people abstain from carbohydrates and sugar in their diet. – keto diet
Some people eat for 6 days and fast for one day.
Some fast for 40 days.
Why did I fast?
I was trying to overcome temptation and was looking for direction.
I was really very disappointed, sad and frustrated at the temptation that I keep falling into.
What is fasting?
Fasting is putting down the desire of the flesh
The desire of the flesh is “give me more” … I am hungry for more money, gambling, food, alcohol and sex. When we are fasting, we are saying NO to the desire.
What did I experience in fasting?
I experience many strong mental and physical cravings.
The craving and urge come and go, some time the temptation was weak but some time the temptation and craving was so strong that I cheated on my fasting, I slip and relapse.
It reflected on my vulnerability and weakness at the moment.
There are progress but no perfection for me.
It was a big relief to be practicing total abstinence from my addiction without the heavy financial losses from gambling and ill health from alcohol when I fail.
What are the benefits?
Today I had 9 kg weight loss over 2 months.
The experience has strengthened my belief in recovery from all addictions. The progress has given me more confident to carry on with the recovery program.
The slip, fall and failures warn me not to test myself as I can lose control and start bingeing uncontrollably when I least expected it. The bingeing was the same for food, alcohol and gambling.
If I relapse, it was not the end of the world, I should stop the digging and pick myself up immediately and continue with the journey in recovery.
Recovery is not a single event in my life, it was a life journey, a lifestyle…it was never perfect.
How many times have I failed WHEN I WAS TESTED in the face of temptation.
How many times have I given in to strong mental and physical craving.
I need to build up my mental strength to manage the stress and challenges in the future. -
Last year today, I gamble at the casino…it was a wrong way to find money to contribute to the family. I won and found the money for the family for that month but I complicated things and it became payback time for the rest of the year.
The risk are always there that I could be repeating the same thing over again this year, there was growing pressure and anxiety until the day I receive my salary today and gave it to the family. This year was better than last year. -
I have just reached home after a long walk of 3 hours, it is 7.50 am now. I must have walk more than 16km. The people I met and saw on the way reflected on my nature and my character.
The experience shows that I am no saint, and definitely not perfect.
First person I met was a lady my age sitting by the roadside talking to herself, I thought she must be suffering from mental illness. I didn’t even try to talk to her and continue walking away.
I did not bother to ask her why and did not encourage her to return home, she should not be wondering the street in the dark. I did not even offer her any comfort. It shows that I can be prejudice with the seriously mentally ill. I feel that they do not know what they are doing and they cannot be blame for any wrong.
Second person was a man my age, he was heavily intoxicated, he was sitting dangerously by the roadside with his long legs stretch out on to the road, I thought he was an alcoholic.
I decided to do something. I was concern that a car may miss him and run over his legs. I ask him if he was ok, he told me he was waiting for a cab. He was too drunk to flag down a cab. I ask him where he drink, what he drank, how much he drink and where he stay – I care and help him flag down a cab making sure he is safe .
Guess I knew an addict better, they are like me and more predictable. We are sick in the mind sometime but not all the time like those selfish mentally ill.
Third person I met was a very strange experience. It was crazy. I saw an elderly person on a wheelchair speeding down the road, any driver who cannot see him can run him down. He saw me and actually stop. He asked me for money.
He told me he has not eaten for 3 days and he was homeless but I swear he look clean and well groom, he doesn’t look like someone who haven’t eaten for 3 days and homeless. He actually begged me for money and rush me to be quick. I gave him enough money to take a cab and feed him but he wanted more and ask me whether I have some more lose change.
I sympathize that he was wheelchair bound. I would have given him a little money, he does not have to lie to me.
I ask for his identity card, my intention was to help him if I knew where he stay, I will surely find help for him. He told me he was rob and lose his ID. I don’t believe that he has not eaten for 3 days, homeless and lose his ID.
He received my money and speed down the road, he wanted to go to a nearby crowded temple to beg for more money from the devotee there because today was a festive occasion here.
He is sick emotionally, mentally and physically. He only care about how he feel and what he need. He don’t care about me. He will make up story and lies to get what he want from me exactly like what I did to many people when my addiction was active. I was little of these 3 person I met. The truth about me is ugly.
Fourth person I met was a jogger, I greeted him good morning and he smile.
Fifth person I met was a person walking 2 dogs, I greeted the person. She ignored me.
I was like all the 5 person I met today and sick in the mind. I deliberately and intentionally or not intentionally do wrong. I need help. -
I am sick in the mind!
I am self-righteous, wilful and stubborn.
My self-will was running my life.
I did not surrender to God and His recovery program.
If I did, I would not be making this confession right now.
If I could do recovery on my own, I wouldn’t be here.
Guess I will have to seek help at the Church, OA, GA, AA and SLA meetings.
I must learnt to be honest, and humble, open-minded and willingness to change.
The truth and reality is forcing me to come clean! -
My next thread if I start one will be called the above.
They are just the symptoms, my illness is call Addiction.
Gambling send me to this site more than 8 years ago but the real devil has not really leave me, it continue to manifest in other areas of my life and remain very much alive making me very sick.
The cure is a spiritual one. -
Kin we are all imperfect humans .
You are hard on yourself .
Perhaps you recognise your short comings more that others .I would love to read a post where you talk about all the good things you are.
We are all a mixture of good and bad – what do you consider to be your good points ?Keep strong my friend .
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Dear I did it,
Thank you for the kind words but I don’t think it will work for a proud, arrogant and stubborn person full of self-believe, self rationalization, self-justification, self-righteousness and self-deceit like me. I have not been honest and humble all the times. I have INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY, I can easily forget all the pain and suffering from previous mistakes and repeat them.
I am either insane or sick in the mind.
It was not going to be easy and is going to be very uncomfortable to put down the desire of the flesh on my own.
HELP ME GOD! HAVE MERCY ON ME, SHOWER ME AND BLESS ME WITH YOUR GRACE AND LOVE, GOD. -
Dear I did it,
I used to be a bankrupt mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially after I hit rock bottom.
By the time I finally took my first baby step forward in recovery, that was in August 2005.
Since then, I have work hard to win back “Love” and “Trust” from my family.
I have bought a small place I called mine.
I have a job.
I have a stable income.
I have a small saving for old age.
I am more at peace with myself after so many years now.
I don’t feel so tormented and miserable when I fail, this is all a part and parcel of recovery. I just continue to march forward in baby steps during good times and bad.
There are many bad relapses along the way.
Add up all the baby steps forward after more than 12 years, I have travelled far, I never stand still.
I have not met any perfect recovery person. Addiction can hide inside a person and act out in other ways. All you need to do is watch the person ‘s behavior and temperament. If that person was perfect, he will be loving, caring, powerful and perfect like God. -
Yes Kin,
When I read your post I thought if we were perfect (not sure if you are Christian ) but we wouldn’t need God to save us .You have described my recovery also – I often tried to explain that even though I had relapses I still felt somewhat that I had never went back to the dark days of old .
Adding all the baby steps to find I have moved forwArd is definitely a great way of describing progress.
I am so pleased to read that you have got a place you call home and family and friends – the things is you might not fully have their trust yet – but you still have them – proving that they see enough good in you to stay around.You are a good person Kin- always self- reflecting and trying to improve .
The thing about addiction is that none do us chose it – others can indulge in these activities and never become addicted. We cannot be responsible for our brain chemistry or for something we didn’t know would or could happen .However as we now know we have these addictions we can take steps to avoid falling into the trap again . That is what you are doing. You are working hard to overcome these addictions – who can ask for more from any of us ?
You are doing so well Kin – well done
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Hi I did it,
In year 2000, I must write down my thoughts, feeling and action plan every day, I need to show them to my doctor when we meet up.
In year 2005, a 12 steps recovery person told me to keep a journal.
I have been writing ever since, they help to process the thought, feeling and emotion I had. .
In year 2008, I came across this website, I just continue the habit.
Thank you GT (Higher Power) -
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If I did not maintain the good result I get, the tendency to slip away anytime is real.
The slip and relapse can be so sneaky, it was the same for food, gambling, alcohol, and others. I thought it was alright to loosen up and binge once in a while, but if I did not check myself daily and weekly, it was normally too late by the time I notice the consequences.
There were so many times in the last 2 months that I cannot remember how many times.
While I was doing well, recovering and having good result in weight loss, the BIG TEMPTATIONS from food were there ALL THE TIME.
The STRONG URGE AND CRAVING for carbohydrate and sugar COME AND GO. It NEVER STOP, it NEVER DISAPPEAR.
The experiences from regular check – daily and weekly check was awesome!
Every single time in the last 2 months, I was able to catch myself drifting, it allow me to made the adjustment and decision to get back into recovery after 2 days or 7 days of bingeing.
I was able to repair the small damage before it become a big problem for me. Guess this is maintenance work.
The result can be track and is measurable, beside the number of days one was abstinent, you can see the number of kg loss and the saving actually growing from not gambling.
If there is no result to show, something is wrong somewhere, I could be lying about my recovery. -
Today I was sharing table with 2 friends working the 12 steps recovery program together. Both of them were taking turns to read the book 12 steps and 12 traditions. I benefitted from their reading out loud and sharing.
One word stood out in their discussion.
Mental obsession is a form of fear that build walls between us and gambling and it greatly reduce our effectiveness in dealing with situations.
The mind, by obsessing, thinks it is taking care of us when in fact it is robbing me of strength and peace.
We experience an obsession when we are trying to stop gambling and are overpowered by thoughts of gambling.
We also experience an obsession when we feel the desire to control another person moods or behavior.
Obsession can take a variety of forms. -
1. Intrusive Obsession
An intrusive obsession is a thought of GAMBLING that seems to enter our minds from out of nowhere.
When we are hit by an intrusive obsession, we find ourselves suddenly dropping our plans and responsibilities, and pursuing the gamble that we crave.
2. Reoccurring Obsession
A reoccurring obsession is a thought of GAMBLING that enters our minds over and over again throughout the day.
Fighting with this thought consumes all of our energy. We try to remind ourselves of the importance of not gambling, but the gambling thought keeps coming back and seems to grow stronger over time.
If we are able to hold out against the reoccurring obsession, we become exhausted and easily irritated. The reoccurring obsession wins.
3. Circumstantial Obsession
We experience a circumstantial obsession when we are presented with the opportunity to gamble and cannot think of any good reason not to.
We may give ourselves some silly excuse for gambling. Before we know it, we are gambling again, wondering what happened to our common sense.
4. Fundamental Obsession.
The fundamental obsession may not be experienced as a thought of gambling. Fundamental obsession only gets worse. The pain of daily living builds up inside us and we have to vent it.
We experience this obsession as a basic preoccupation with ourselves and how we feel. It is about how we experience the world.
Those of us who have stop gambling for long periods of time without a spiritual solution know the pains of fundamental obsession all too well.
Life is unsatisfying. We are constantly agitated and restless. We have a deep sense that life is treating us unfairly.
We are constantly trying to adjust the circumstances of our lives in an attempt to find some comfort.
No matter what we try, we do not seem to be able to get any peace of mind.
We may have a vague sense that something is wrong with us, but we do not know what it is.
Many of us find that GAMBLING provided us with temporary relief.
We gamble to cope with the pain of fundamental obsession. -
The Twelve Steps listed below have been adapted for Christians and are reprinted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous.
A corresponding scripture verse is included with each Step to illustrate the relationship between scripture and the Twelve Steps.
Step One
We admitted we were powerless over our separation from God—that our lives had become unmanageable.
“I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (ROMANS 7:18)
Step Two
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (PHILIPPIANS 2:13)
Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—which is your spiritual worship.” (ROMANS 12:1)
Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (LAMENTATIONS 3:40)
Step Five
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (JAMES 5:16)
Step Six
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (JAMES 4:10)
Step Seven
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 JOHN 1:9)
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (LUKE 6:31)
Step Nine
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.” (MATTHEW 5:23-24)
Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.” (1 CORINTHIANS 10:12)
Step Eleven
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.” (COLOSSIANS 3:16)
Step Twelve
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” (GALATIANS 6:1) -
I cannot trust or listen to ME/I/MYSELF. My addictive mind will always tell me to gamble.
My self-will and self-confident fail me many times.Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.” (1 CORINTHIANS 10:12)
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Today while I was waiting to cross the road at the traffic light, I saw a lady on the opposite side waiting to come over this side, she look very normal other than a sunken cheek like those active drug using friend of mine.
I wasn’t expecting anything waiting to happen crossing the road.
When the traffic light changed, she crosses over quickly, I could hear her pleading with a young man beside me. She beg for money saying she need it to see a doctor. She didn’t ask for a lot.
My reaction was shameful and fast, I quickly walk away.
When I reach the other side of road, I turn back to look at her. I was safe from her, I didn’t see anyone giving her money.
When my feeling settled down, my conscience felt so lousy.
If I did not gamble away my money, I can really volunteer to help these stranger on the street because they are asking for so little.
Instead I did the cowardice and shameful thing of walking away and avoiding these needy people who need financial help.
I met the elderly wheelchair bound man yesterday and the lady today…the problem is not them, the problem is me because of my gambling.
I was a desperate addict and a liar once upon a time. I took advantage of kind people asking them for more money to feed my gambling habit. I have no right to judge the elderly man and woman. I was a worst person!
I may have done the right thing giving money to support my family this month but it didn’t help the fact I don’t have much left for myself to help the needy people who ask for so little because of my gambling. I felt very ashamed of myself. -
I really hope that the last 2 months of experience trying to abstain from carbohydrate and sugar help me lay the foundation to my recovery moving ahead.
I realize that temptations are everywhere.
My urges and craving come and go, some time it is weak some time it is strong.
There is nothing to be proud if I could continue to stay abstinent when the urge and craving is weak. It will be a big trial when the strong urge and craving arrive. Without a strong spiritual foundation, I only manage to stay abstinent from carbohydrate and sugar for 14 days in my first attempt, 10 days in my second, 2 days in my third.
”I” only lasted 2 days before I give in to the craving and slip on the 3rd attempt trying to abstain from carbohydrate.
What are my chances with gambling, alcohol, borrowing, porn and others?
I will experience the same level of urge and craving. Temptation will be everywhere.
While I continue to “try” to stay abstinent immediately after slipping, the growing weight loss is showing my growth in recovery.
I did not continue to binge and spiral out of control into another rock bottom. -
When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted.
We had approached A.A. expecting to be taught self-confidence.
Then we were told that as far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence was no good.
Our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession
So powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it -
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