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I am an ex resident of Gordon Moody. That was 7 years ago. I’ve been a compulsive gambler for over 25 years. I don’t come up for air often but things are pretty bad at the moment. Perhaps, mentally, the worst they have ever been. It’s been just over 24 hours since I last gambled and I spent yesterday thinking about what I can do to break free of the current cycle I am in. That, in itself, is nothing new. What is new is actually doing something about it so this post is my first step. So this is day 1…. There have been countless others. I completed the residential programme at Moody’s successfully and lasted 3 months after coming out. Other than that, since I was 16 I’ve had one period of 50 days when I didn’t gamble. I’m 42 now. Plan is to post every day to keep some sort of record of my progress. Experience has shown me that it is possible to rewire my thought process but it takes time. Let’s do this! Thanks for reading!
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Day 2 – After I posted yesterday I followed up with online chat to see what additional resources were available to me. I have now started the process for help from Gordon Moody. Not feeling great today. I suppose 99% of the time I’m thinking about giving up gambling I’m not really serious about it so it doesn’t really affect my mood. Now I have committed here and with GM I know it’s serious this time and it makes me sad. Sad because it makes the fantasy world of gambling harder to access and without it I feel a bit lost. It’s my go to place when I need a break from work, when I’m having a smoke, when I’m trying to sleep and, if I’m honest, what gets me up in the morning. My whole lifestyle, or lack of it, is bearable with gambling to look forward to. Without gambling – having no friends, no money, no possessions, no hobbys or no motivation to do anything else, all become much harder to deal with. All I can do for now is keep posting, remind myself I’m only two days in and hope that, in time, my thought process will improve.
Got my weekly ￡60 from my dad today so supermarket soon and then heavily busy with work so it looks like an all nighter could be on the way. Until tomorrow…. -
Getting a bit stressed with work so thought I’d take a break and make today’s post. I’m struggling with my thoughts. Was too tired to go shopping yesterday so still have my weekly cash in the bank. By default my brain seems to revert to thoughts about gambling. Numerous times last night when I was trying to sleep I realised I was visualizing spinning reels. Reliving past wins, inventing fantasy wins. I tried to think about something else but 10mins later I would realise I was thinking about slots again. At the gym this morning I was on the treadmill and realised I was thinking about slots again. It’s normally around three days after a loss I start rattling a bit and thinking of ways to gamble. I’ve started the recovery process so surely I can have a small bet until the real help begins? That’s what I’m asking myself. With payday coming on Friday I would normally be planning a session. For years now my full wage goes out to repay short term debt and that frees me up to borrow again for the month ahead. Planning the session helps me get through my work as I feel I have something to aim towards. A reward at the end of a busy week. Not having that is making it harder for me to complete my work. I won’t gamble today. I can’t reward myself with a drink either after my work is complete either because my resolve will go out the window. Need to get back to work so I’ll just crack on and hope for a better sleep tonight.
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Hi Mike
The reward for being gamble-free is to be free, to be in control, to be the man you want to be – and you have the tools to do it.
With Friday coming up, plan to do something that could make you happy, something that perhaps you haven’t done before. Find a place of safety for you that has no connection to gambling whatever. Do you like animals, do you like walking, what have you admired in others and felt that maybe you couldn’t do? Freedom from an addiction will allow you time to experience new pleasures and tackle the things you felt were out of reach.
Hang in there Mike, I am lucky enough to have known many like you who have turned their lives around – some still post, many no longer post but are living gamble-free.
If I thought for one second that it was not within your power to change your life I wouldn’t be here.
I will look for your posts every day and note your progress, I hope you will tell me your achievements, your victories.
Keep posting, use our groups and Helpline, just keep talking, you are being heard.
Velvet
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I was where you are now. When it doesn’t matter when every time I closed my eyes. I was visualizing the wins and I dreamed about it everyday for the last 2 weeks before I hit my rock bottom. When I lost every last penny and thought of just ending my life. So the pain could stop. Those feelings will stay with you for awhile but I promise you. It will get better. You are not alone! Find something else to do to keep yourself busy for awhile.
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Just a quick check in today as I’m very tired and just about to sleep. Got my big piece of work finished without gambling or drinking at the finish line. Just got a takeaway and watched some TV. More progress with GM on some additional help. Nothing much happening tomorrow just a bit of mental preparation for pay day on Friday. Goodnight all.
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First off….thanks for the comments on my thread. They mean alot. With payday only a few hours away there is not much safegaurding required. For years now the majority of my pay has gone straight out on payday. This allows me to borrow again for the month ahead. What I have left will go to my dad to ensure my rent gets paid and I have money to come back to me each week. The real challenge for me is not borrowing money to gamble with over the next month. I am going to have a bottle of wine with my dinner tonight. The weather is quite nice so I will eat outside. I do not feel at risk at the moment. Certainly not over the next 24hours. I think the commitment I have made here and with GM has helped alot. As far as gambling goes…my thoughts are still with slots the majority of the time but now I also keep remembering the new football season kicks off Saturday so tomorrow evening will be trickier than tonight and I expect pressure on Saturday morning to go put a bet on. All going well I’ll get through to Monday without a bet.
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Evening all….just a quick check in before Love Island starts….don’t judge me…
Got all my salary sent out where it needs to go today. Feeling OK. I’m expecting a difficult day tomorrow. I have some funds in my account but just enough to get me through the weekend for food, etc. Not sure what I’m going to do with my day yet. Will let you know tomorrow. Have a good weekend all! -
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Made it through this morning. Closest I’ve came to gambling for a week. I thought about the possible outcomes of betting on the football.
Scenario A) I win and then go on a bigger session tonight.
Scenario B) I lose and then borrow the money I didn’t win to go on a bigger session tonight.
Either way I would have stopped posting here, retreated back into a cycle and my resolve would have been damaged.
It is so hard though when your first thought when you wake up is what gambling I can do today. Only then do you remember that you are trying to stop and I suppose the frustration builds day after day and you just get tired of fighting the urge to do what it is that your brain wants. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I remember not having these urges after my 3 month residential stay with GM so I have hard evidence that the urges do subside it’s just a struggle getting there. I think I’ll be OK for the rest of the weekend now and the week ahead. Hopefully next weekend will be a bit easier. -
Hi Mike
I’ll keep the light burning at the end of the tunnel for you Mike and I look forward to the day I see you emerge.
The urges do subside and however hard to is to fight them, it is a damn sight better that giving in to them and feeling the pain of the loss that is sadly inevitable.
You haven’t said what you plan to do this Sunday but hopefully you will come back and post again and read your earlier posts; bit by bit your journal will grow and you can chart your progress.
It only takes one true recovery Mike, relapses are not compulsory.
Speak soon
Velvet
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Got through the week without gambling. Need to address a few more issues this week. I committed here to not gambling and so far so good. I am committing further to stop playing slots on demo mode and watching you tube gambling videos. Aside from one or two gambling sessions my week has been the same as any other. Work, watch movies and TV, play games on my laptop, watch videos or live streamers on my phone. This is what I am used to to get me through the time between gambling sessions. I can’t just suddenly become interested in other things. I thought about going to a shopping centre about 5 miles from where I live yesterday but didn’t go. I’ve lived here for 5 years and only ever been shopping there once. Venturing out to do anything just seems so alien to me now and I worry about feeling anxious in these sorts of places and seeking refuge in the familiarity of a bookies or on arcade. Not going to overthink it….this week has gone well…focus for the week ahead is to stay off the free slots and videos…all going well this time next week I will have achieved that goal and can set another. Goodnight all!
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I normally switch to you tube videos or demo slots when I’m taking a 10 minute break from work or if I’m trying to kill some time. Was harder than I thought it would be not to do it today. I then found myself thinking how to go about borrowing money for a slots session online. Once my short term debts are cleared on payday I am only ever a couple of conversations away from a big deposit and a gambling session. I then told myself that I should play demo slots or watch a video to take my mind off it. I did none of these things, finished my work, got a few days shopping in and then started a new TV show with a housemate who has just returned after 4 weeks away. She’s gone off to bed now so I will continue with a TV show I’ve been watching on my own.
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Just a quick check in….Still no gambling to report but I’m really struggling. It’s on my mind from the minute I wake up and every day it’s like….here we go again. I flip flop between deciding to gamble and staying off it mamy times throughout the course of the day and it’s tiring. Have watched one or two gambling videos this week…I think it helps in the short term but I fear it’s no good in the long term.
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Well, I fell off the wagon in a big way on Thursday. Don’t really want to go into it in any detail suffice to say it has just highlighted how truly lost I am and how messed up my thinking is. It’s late Saturday night now and I’m still recovering physically and mentally. There’s a couple of things I should have done last week that I didn’t. I need to get these things in place tomorrow while I’m feeling like this. Just want a good nights sleep tonight and I’ll post again tomorrow evening.
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Evening all. Just back from a 3 night residential stay with Gordon Moody. Not feeling great at the moment. I think the 3 days therapy has stripped away all of the gambling parts of me and without them there’s not much left so I feel a bit lost and empty. Important thing is to start rebuilding myself with new and positive pieces and to avoid rebuilding with the rubble lying around from what has just been broken down. Just going to take it one day at a time….
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Hi Mike
All the best bits of you are left Mike and that is why you are here posting again.
Your support network is all important and you have that in place.
I know you can live gamble-free, which is why I am posting to you. Nobody could have said to you that taking control of your life was going to be easy but I do know that this is one battle that is really worth fighting and winning. I have seen the wonderful outcomes of so many who have trodden the same path as you.
It is natural to feel impatient because recovery takes time but keep posting and joining the groups, use the Helpline and your support network, you can do it – we all want you to succeed.
Velvet
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Thanks Mike B. I’m reading posts on these forums and it’s a complete revelation. It’s hard to be honest with yourself tho isn’t it – I’m really trying to give myself a good kick up the backside and keep it real. Trying to live in the reality of gambling loss and debt. Not fading into fantasy of winning against a randomly produced set of numbers created by a computer algorithm!
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Evening all, just a quick check in. 44 days without gambling now. No videos. No demo play. Starting to notice some positive changes in my thought process. Noticing the changes helps motivate me to continue. Day to day cash situation hasn’t improved much but I’ve managed to pay off a fair chunk of debt over the past month and a bit. Onwards and upwards. Have a good weekend all!
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Just back from another 2 days residential therapy with Gordon Moody. 62 days without gambling now. Good to strenghthen that defensive wall over the last couple of days. Taken me a while to make the first steps to get out of the cage I’ve created for myself but gym induction this Sunday and got a dentist appointment booked mid Jan. Two dates in a calendar thats never been used…..
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Evening all. 92 or 93 days now. One or the other. Feel proud I’ve got this far. More than half way to clearing my debt which is good. Aware of a lingering feeling that gambling is there for me in the future if I want it which is bad. It’s hard though. Holding on to that thought is keeping me from gambling but it cannot be good long term. Just trying to get my debt clear. I’ve came far enough now to have the confidence that I can keep going for another couple of months. Once I’m approaching the day when I’ll be debt free I need to have a long hard look at my thought process, financial barriers,etc to make sure they are adjusted for being in a different financial situation. Should be around Feb/March. Hope this helps anyone with a few days under their belt and may sound familiar to anyone who has been through a similar situation and could offer any advice for that time when it comes. Onwards and upwards!
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Hello MikeB
Thank you for the encouragement, in 2 days I will have one month gambling free. I can’t believe I have managed to go this long without any type of gambling. I think it was helpful for me to even remove the free games from my phone. The first few days I found myself saying the Serenity Prayer several times a day.
But congratulations on making it 93 days, that’s a lot to be proud of.?????? -
hi mike! its been a pleasure reading your little journey you have here. im inspired by just reading the posts and seeing how quickly the days have gone by. i gambled today so will be starting day 1 tomorrow. Im like you, i havent posted here in years and have finally returned. All I can say is keep it up, you dont want to be like me who is constantly starting back at day 1. the sad part is that christmas is coming up and im still gambling away money I could be buying gifts with. you arent missing out on anything. gambling is horrible and im going insane over here. I will start day 1 tomorrow and hopefully be able to get as sober as you without another relapse now. I will be starting my own thread and posting daily from now on too.
Keep it up brother, good on you. I can only imagine how much better ill be doing in life being able to say 93 days clean. Im excited for this new journey now too
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103 days now! Waiting the 30/40 mins before I get paid so I can transfer my salary and xmas bonus into my dads account. Was a bit of a chore to try and figure out how many days I was gamble free so gonna stop counting the days now. Feeling fine. No urges to gamble recently nor with my wages imcoming. Far from out the woods yet though as I’m still finding comfort with the knowledge that gambling is there if I want it. Not a good thought process but it’s keeping me clean for now. Onwards and upwards folks!
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thats so good to hear mike. youre an inspiration to me at the moment. Any chance you could share a timeline of how you felt and how you got through the first few weeks? i keep making it a few days and then failing again. im back to day 1 now but i believe i can do it this time. any knowledge or advice would be much appreciated. It makes me smile when i imagine myself at the same amount of days clean as you, its just a matter of experiencing that feeling myself and making it there.
Should be dam proud of yourself mate, good on you
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